How To Win An Ex Back Who Is With Someone Else- Here's What You Do!

240 thoughts on “How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else”

Bardcore

March 20, 2020 at 2:47 pm

My ex and I did a fwb gig for a few months with one instance of him asking for me back and me dropping the ball with that and playing games (cringey as hell, right?) before he got a new girl (who I actually know and is a wonderful person but the total opposite of me); otherwise we’ve been broken up for over six moths. As much as I’d love to have him back and would like some advice, I think the best I can do is work on the flaws I have that made him look elsewhere (which we’ve talked about and I’ve owned up to!) and rock Being There for him; no matter what the outcome I’m at peace with it. Thoughts and advice welcome!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 20, 2020 at 10:19 pm

Hi Bardcore, so you answered yourself really! Work on yourself and follow the being there method after a No Contact period. It does sound as if you are a strong person to deal with this so use the information and let me know how you get on!

Kathy Nguyen

March 20, 2020 at 8:00 am

My ex and me dated for about one year. But we had many fights since he did not want me to meet my other ex boyfriend who is also my best friend. Then we had a fight in last December. After that, he tried to talk to me nicely, warmly and sweetly. I also gave good feedback to him and told that i missed him sometimes. It took 2 months for me and him not to contact usually. During that time, he still argued about my ex boyfriend story. One day, he did not contact me in 1 week. After that week, i contacted him back and knew that he was seeing another girl. That girl used to have relationship with him but she decided not to go with him since she had boyfriend that time. It meant she used to run after 2 horses. Last year, she broke up and has started flirting and approaching my ex until now. She said that she would compensate for her last cheating.
I now meet him once a week. He tells that he still loves me but he does not want to get back due to him sadness and he is now seeing that girl.
Please give me some advice here!!!! I’m very dissapointed.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 28, 2020 at 5:50 pm

Hi Kathy if he is seeing someone else and is telling you that he loves you, then you need to look at the actions he is taking rather than his words. He is being unfaithful to the new person which is also something I would suggest you keep in mind during this time. There is the being there method that we recommend doing when you want an ex back but it does not pass the line of cheating emotionally or physically. If you have not done so yet you need to complete a No Contact for 45 days for their new relationship to pass the honeymoon phase

Luna

February 27, 2020 at 8:14 pm

Hey.

I’ve been reading some of the comments and thought maybe you could give me some advice too.

So. Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 2 years and have been broken up for 1 year now. We split up on the last day of February 2019. It’s been 1 year now. I’m still deeply upset and miss him every day. During our relationship he really became my best friend. We would talk and text every day. But we always had issues. He worked shifts so would often be at work all night and sleep during the day. Which mean difficulty meeting up. I was constantly rearranging my schedule to meet with him. We did have many adventures together, we loved travel. We traveled more in one year that I had done in my life so far (I’m 22 now, then I was 19/20). We had different travel styles so there was always some difficulty. A lot of the time I felt abandoned and wanted to see him more and connect more. But he was busy and sometimes even when he could meet he would just stay at home.

Anyways. So we broke up because we always had the struggle to meet and always had recurring discussions about the same issues. It was rough. I did no contact for 1 month and then realised we want to be together again. The day after we got back together my grandmother (whom I was very close to) suddenly passed away. I was devastated. It was a shame because obviously she passed away and also because I had made a lot of progress in that month really working on myself to be better for him and the relationship. When she passed I was devastated. I tried to be strong but obviously I broke down slightly. I wanted to stay in more and take life one day at a time. He understood but wasn’t too impressed as he was hoping for a crazy romantic rekindling. Unfortunately I wasn’t much up for it. We met up and had sex and stuff but I wasn’t as adventurous. In fact, I was exhausted! I had 2 jobs and full time university at the time and this is when it was put to the test. Can he make time for me instead of me moving my schedule. At that time my schedule was not flexible and he struggled to make time when I had it. It was hear wrenching. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Both of us sitting on my bed and crying in each others arms because we were exhausted and just couldn’t work it out. This was two months after we got back together.

So he left my flat that night and that was the end of a two year long relationship. Initially I was okay. I still had my studies to finish and was very busy with work. However when my time freed up, with my internship coming to an end and graduation around the corner I really started feeling the lack of him again. I always did during this time and still now, but when I first came out of that busyness the first thing I thought of was seeing him. I reached out in May to say I’ve finished my coursework and am finally free. We had not talked for a couple of months. He said he’d rather not speak anymore as he felt this would just amplify the pain.

Side note. He did tell me several times during our relationship that he feels we have met at the wrong time. I was poor and a student and he was a couple years older and in a good job. We always had money problems because of this. I couldn’t afford to live a lavish lifestyle like he did. He said that maybe we will meet later in life and it will work out. We did actually say this on the day of the break up. That maybe we will meet again later when we are ready and at a place where we both have income and both know where we stand in life.

So that’s why I thought I would contact him. After the initial contact in May I left it again and went travelling in August until end of October. Backpacking around Europe. I should have used this opportunity to put lots of good pictures up of myself but I was too much enjoying my time travelling.
So the travels came to an end and I decided to give it another shot. I remembered what we had said to one another and felt that I now want what he wants and was ready to move to his city and wait for him to be ready to move in. I decided to contact his best friend for this quest just because I felt he might be able to tell me if there is a chance still. I was met with an answer that I was not expecting. He had someone new and was reportedly “very happy” with them. I broke down and didn’t know what to do. All these months I had been thinking we weren’t fully finished given our last conversation. So I contacted him (WRONG decision) and he replied with also saying that he is “very happy in a relationship and wishes me the best for the future”. He was always a man to wish best for the future. I was devastated. I tried to call in an attempt to talk about things. He did not respond well and blocked me. As I write this now I must sound like a crazy person, but at the time I couldn’t see anything else in my life besides getting him back. But he did block me. On everything. I do still have all of his friends on social media and his sister as well.

I was so deeply upset. I felt we were best friends. He said he’d always be there for me but after the split he did not communicate much.

Today a year after the break up I still miss him terribly and often think of what could have been if I was just a bit more what he wanted. Or what I thought he wanted at least. I question if what he said was true. That we would find each other later and be together. Will that really happen? The latest events indicate otherwise I suppose. But you know. I really want him back. I feel sick and depressed without him in my life. Is there any chance? Any strategy? I do live quite far away from where he lives now so the only way he would know about my whereabouts would be through friends telling him what I do on social media. I am thinking of moving back to where I used to live in the UK, just 20 minutes drive from his town. I’m sure he still lives there. He wowed to never leave the place. Is this a good idea or no? Should I move somewhere new instead. I don’t know where I would to be honest. I miss him every day. We had a strong relationship but a lot of problems. I think now I could be a much better girlfriend. Much better. Any advice please?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 10:58 am

Hi Luna, so as for your choice of somewhere to live that’s your call do what is going to be best for your future, be it your happiness and how you can excel in your career. As you broke up a year ago you are going to have to read some articles about how to get an ex back after a long break up. You are going to have to have a way of showing him how great you are doing, most use social media.

Lacey gotz

February 9, 2020 at 5:26 pm

Hi. So my boyfriend and I were together for a year before dating. We were best friends for years so we had to see. After dating for two months we moved in together. We had lived together for three years till one day he said he was done. Literally out of the blue. We were talking about trying to have kids. We got dogs together. We had a future.

We kept dating and living together for months but he wouldn’t speak to me. He would try to work things out. He checked out. Recently I moved out about a month ago with just a bag. He broke up with me. Except all of my things are still in the house. He hasn’t asked me to collect , we talk every single day , I see him everyday to walk the dog. And most evenings we sit in the living room together. I want to work things out because I love him very much and have expressed that a lot.

But he keeps giving me mixed signals. One day it’s we are never gonna get back together and the next it’s flirting and wanting to meet up to talk. Or checking up on me. Recently he had a girl spend the weekend in our bed , and it was the girl I was never ever supposed to worry about.

I still want him. That hurt a lot but I still want to work things out cause I love him. But it felt like he has betrayed me for four years. Like everything he said to me about her was a lie. I don’t care I just want him back. I want him to try with me. Cause we are so important to me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 12, 2020 at 9:37 pm

Hey Lacey that is such a heartbreaking situation for yourself and I am sorry you have had to go through this! Taking some time in No Contact and getting over the hurt that has been caused is essential right now. And then when you are ready you can reach out and start the texting phase from this program if you feel you want to try and get him back. As for the girl that you worried about, it is hurtful to know he has done that but remember right now he is single so can do as he wants as hurtful as that is. You could also make sure that you are working on yourself and letting mutual friends hear how great you are doing and the positive changes you are making in your life so that your ex takes a step back and thinks to himself, “Why is she doing so well without me?”

Lisa

January 10, 2020 at 11:54 am

Me and my ex dated for almost a year. During that time we never fully committed to each other as I think I was too needy and did not give him any boundaries or limits.
6 weeks ago he told me he needs some space and does not feel like meeting up at the moment. 3 weeks ago I asked him to meet up again and he told me that it is complicated as he is dating someone. He does not know where that will go and what will happen in the future but right now he wants to give this other girl a chance and see where that goes. I wrote him than a message and told him that the news where a shock for me but I can understand that he wants to try it with the other girl as I could also feel that our relationship got a bit stuck and it was not that fulfilling for me either and I was far to unrelaxed the last couple of months. He then told me that he was always a nice time with me and cannot say what the future brings but right now he tries to date that other girl and sees what will happen. I told him then that we should both give each other space and distance and not see each other for some time but concentrate on our own lives and then maybe in a couple of weeks meet up again for a coffee. He just then just wished me a happy new year but did not say anything to having a break or take some distance from each other. Now I am a little bit unsure if it was good to tell him that I was not happy in the relationship anymore too and that it did not that fulfil me anymore as well. Because after I wrote that he reacted very distant and cold. I know have not contacted or written him for 3 weeks. How should I know continue and do you think I destroyed my chances of getting him back for telling him that being with him did not fullfill me either in the end?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 17, 2020 at 7:22 pm

Hey Lisa no you did not ruin your chances doing that, whats gone on is he has met someone else while you were apart. You need to work on yourself and work on your self confidence in the mean time. And read about the being there method if you want to try and get him back form this other person. As you were not in a committed relationship you may find that he is quicker to close off conversation but you just have to try and be friendly not flirty for some time, adn also date other guys

Elderflower Cider

January 6, 2020 at 11:46 am

Hi EBR team

My ex ended things with me a few months back after dating for 2 months because his feelings were not growing. However, we remained friends and became even closer (we slept together and text everyday). He claimed he liked me more than his other friends and confides only in me. He also asked about my other dates and i always sensed some jealously.

Recently, I asked him to date me seriously. He refused because he said he had no feelings. So I said we should stop talking- he called me unreasonable, but respected my decision. I went on tinder to fill the void as I went from having a constant companion to 0 communication. I do have other friends, but no one else who is as compatible and who has very similar interests.

I see my ex on tinder the next day, and it’s an instant match once i swipe. he messages me immediately to say he misses talking to me. I don’t respond and notice that he deleted tinder shortly after. This is likely because he found someone as I constantly see him online on telegram and previously, he only used telegram to chat with me.

I miss him terribly, but I am dating others as well as a distraction. I still have some of his stuff to return to him. When Should i contact him to maximise my chances of getting him back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 11, 2020 at 1:10 am

Hey there so, maximising your chances of getting him back, is not about when you should contact him. Its about the work that you do with yourself in that No Contact period that is going to make the difference. He has told you openly. That he misses talking to you but he has no feelings for you, even though you have still been sleeping with each other. That shows that he does not value you enough. So you have to do some work on being Ungettable girl and showing your ex that you are willing to move from him by dating (which you are doing) and living your life until he starts to value you more and asks you to go on a serious date with him. But most important thing is you do not sleep with him again until he is your boyfriend

Lindsay

December 11, 2019 at 8:56 pm

Hi, we had been in the relationship for 7 years. My ex boyfriend dumped me in Aug and started dating with a girl after 2 month or so. He refused to answer my call or meet up with me since the breakup but he kept contacting me by messenger every 3~4 day. Also, he watched my social media and liked my every post.
Why he dates someone new but keeps contacting me in the same time? Should I respond his message or just ignore them? I don’t know what else I can do to win him back.
Thanks a lot!!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 15, 2019 at 6:09 pm

Hi Lindsey, the messages he is sending you what is it that he wants? I would not reply and I would start doing a no contact where you start to work on yourself and making it clear to him you are not going to be waiting on the side while he moves on. Look like you are dating even if you are not ready to do so yet. Socialise with your friends and live your life. When it has been 45 days you can reach out to him and start doing the being there method. This information is on the website for you to read about and implement it into your situation and the new girl

Wise actions

November 13, 2019 at 12:50 pm

Hi,
My boyfriend of 5 yrs split up and it’s been 3 months. He builted a bond with her for 7 months while we were together. The problem is thst they do all thrir music project together. If I began to dk his kind of music it would be too obvious that I am trying. They both broke up with their bf/gf. He broke up to went living with her. It’s been 3 months… they do all their music (3 bands), sport ( that we use to do), and party until 3 am 1 night on 2 together. I don’t how to compete with that… I can be there but I feel she is filling every hole in his life… And I don’t think he w.ould stop playing with her.. lol He has a pattern if 3 yrs with his exes..Which is plenty of time to built something strong and forget about me. I am hesitating to tell him that I know he cheated on me, I know he had his reasons but he kind of broke my trust. How do you deal with wanting zo get back but still want to show that you don’t agree with that kind of behavior?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 13, 2019 at 11:03 pm

So first you need to go into a No Contact and then work on yourself so that you are over the hurt and betrayal that your ex has caused. Cheating is hard to deal with because you give them your trust. But you do need to read about being Ungettable and the being there method. So you are prepared but you need to consider if you were to get back would you be willing to forgive and forget what he has done with this girl, and know he will still be in contact with her for the music work that he does?

Alic

October 27, 2019 at 10:00 pm

So me and my partner was together for 5years,I have two children from previous 4&9. I’m currently 8months pregnant with his first child that was very much planned he left a month ago out the blue, said he didn’t love me anymore and up and left totally didn’t see it coming I thought we was happy we recently moved into a new house together all excited about the baby everything g was good and happy in my eyes..only to realise day after he left he was txting my best friends sister who I also considered to be a friend, she knew about us aswell. He’s left for her basically.hes barely contacted me at all since he left a month ago but wants to be in baby’s life.. iv hardly contacted him either and doing the NCR in hope he will see sense is it rebound or?? He seems happy with her walking about all happy she also has a 1yr old herself. Apperntly theyeve always had a crush on eachother.. is there any way back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 30, 2019 at 7:08 pm

Hi Alic, so I would see this more as an emotional affair before he left you. So it is more up to you if you want him back or not. You need to do a limited NC where you only keep in touch about baby and access to the little one when they arrive. You need to read about the being there method and work out what has happened in the relationship to make him feel the need to cheat. Read some cheating articles on this website and also visit Chris’ Youtube channel itll help you understand his decisions a little more if you can work out why hes walked away from you and your family

Charissa

October 23, 2019 at 3:07 am

Hi Shaunna,

Thanks for the advice 🙂 I’ve had to restart NC this week bc I wasn’t able to deal with not hearing from him so I reached out. I hope I stick to it this time. Was toying with the idea of limited no contact, but since I am still emotional (ups and downs), maybe NC would be better.

Regards
Charissa

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 24, 2019 at 8:54 pm

100% No Contact your situation doesn’t require limited because your emotional stick to NOTHING and let him miss you

Charissa

October 18, 2019 at 2:32 am

Hi Shaunna,
Unfortunately I tried NC and broke it last week when he texted me and called me.

After the call over the weekend, I tried to reinitiate NC but could not deal with not hearing from him (previously, he had always been the one reaching out). And he asked to video call this weekend to show me his new apartment.

How long should I go for NC before reaching out to him again? Will that give him enough time to forget that i’ve behaved so suffocatingly before..?
Will disappearing during NC give him a chance to connect even more with the other girl? (Sry for the many qns!)

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 8:51 am

Hey Charissa, so you’ve spoken this weekend you need to give him 30 days NC hes not going to forget you but it is going to give him some space from the pressure. He isnt going to stop getting close to the new girl at the beginning you need the “newness” to pass which does usually happen after 30 days. Read some articles that apply to your situation and it will help you understand what you need to do

Charissa

October 15, 2019 at 1:35 am

Hi, I’m not sure if my comment managed to get sent through so just trying once more.

I met a guy in my home country last year (June 2018) when he was on an exchange programme. He returned to his home country of Europe in Sept 2018 to work. We continued texting almost daily, but it was more friendly in nature. He invited me to spend Christmas & New Year with him and when I agreed , as I had never been to Europe, he got really excited and took annual leave so that he could spend the 11 days with me, going around. We were really happy.

When I returned back to my home country (Asia, aka 12,000km apart) after the 11 days, in January 2019, he seemed to get more emotionally attached and clingy, in a good way. We continued texting everyday, but the texts grew more intimate and caring, he was very accountable, he would share with me all aspects of his day, and ask about mine. Then he started to ask to call – so we would call every weekend to chat on the phone for an hour or more. It went on January, February. But we never talked about whether we were dating long distance. I was just enjoying having his attention and care.

Then in February, i decided to go on a 3-month backpacking trip to Europe to WWOOF , a programme where you work on farms voluntarily. When i told him abt it, he was even more excited, and he asked if I was going to Italy (where he lives). and I said yes. But the trip was for myself, I did not want him to think I was going there only because he was there. I had fallen in love with Europe during my trip in December last year. ANyway, he got even more excited and sweet. When I arrived in Europe and he fetched me to his place, he said he really missed me etc and was surprising me with chocolates. I spent Easter weekend with his family. I was never able to spend much time with him because I was always moving around place to place, but he would make detours and make plans for us to meet. for eg, he visited me on one of the farms that I had been staying at. The last leg of my trip, i spent 3 weeks living with him, but we had some crazy fights when I got insecure about very small issues.

I returned to my country in mid-July this year. Before I came home I asked about our status and he said he did not want to commit in a long distance rship because he is not sure how it will end – will we move to be with each other? I said that I did not mind moving because I am keen to find work abroad. But he did not want me to move JUST BECAUSE of him, he said. anyway, he was still emotionally attached, it seems – he wld ask why i did not text him good morning, he would still ask to call every other day..

However in August, somehow, I got extremely insecure and I would pick fights if I felt he was not showing me the level of attention he used to , even tho i knew he was very busy working on work projects and settling his new apartment. as the fights intensified, he was still “chasing” – in the sense still calling, but the texting seemed to take a different turn. He would text much less throughout the day and it felt one-sided, he didn’t seem as engaged at all, and shared much less – you can just feel it.

When I asked him abt it, he wld always say that it’s nothing I’ve done, and that he was just busy/too much on his mind. And I tried to believe that but deep down I felt I had pushed him away, because several occasions when we fought, he said he felt controlled (esp when I ask why he was not texting me). Last week, he called as . usual, BUT this time, he said he started seeing someone a week ago, and I was stunned. I texted alot of hurt messages asking if I ever meant anything to him. He insisted he wanted to call and text the way we have done before, but he was also defensive in saying he had alr told me he cld not commit to a long distance rship.

After a day of texting him hurt msgs, I stopped. Then he texted asking how my day was – i ignored it. A day later, he texted a photo of what he was doing at work (special lunch with his colleagues) and i replied out of curiosity for the photo. and then he responded and asked about a photo I had posted but I took my time and only replied the next day , and he proceeded to tell me about the last touches he was making for his new apartment. A day ago , on Sunday, he finally finished refurnishing his apartment and he sent me a video, and then called me to ask me if i liked it etc. But we were not able to talk for long. It’s since been 1.5 days, I have not texted after the call and neither has he.

At this point I dont know what I should do. Is all hope lost because he says he does not want a long distance and he has another girl now..? 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 15, 2019 at 7:10 pm

Hi Charissa, so your best chance is to get yourself into a NC and working on becoming Ungettable Girl and then planning your first reach out that needs to be a hook type text abut his interests. You also need to read the being there method because of the new girl. Good luck 🙂

Judith

October 11, 2019 at 9:57 pm

Hi Shaunna, thank you for your interesting perspective. I can see what you mean about how he might not reach out himself… I will have a think about whether to contact him or not. As I recently blocked him, I won’t right away as I don’t want to look like a flip – flopper. But maybe I will try in a month or so. Appreciate the advice!
Judith

October 10, 2019 at 8:29 pm

Hi! Thanks for your helpful website. It is 6 months since my ex and I broke up, but recently I worked out that he still looks at my Instagram page every day! According to your advice, I have been posting happy pictures with friends etc every couple of days. I also changed my account to a business account to track how I was doing. I noticed that I was getting at least one profile view every day. Then a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally saw a picture of him and his new girlfriend together, got annoyed, and impulsively blocked him on everything. At which point my profile views dropped to zero! I unblocked him a week later and my profile views went up again. So I think he must be watching me!

I am quite surprised by this, as he left me for another woman and we have not spoken in 3 months. Also, he has recently been posting lots of happy pictures with the new woman. Saying that, some of them are a bit over the top, with lots of PDA, and seem to smack of insecurity on his part…

I am not sure what to think about this, as I have largely moved on and had pretty much given up on getting him back. But this has me wondering. I could understand him looking at my profile once in a while, but every day…?!?

Any thoughts how to proceed? Given that he cheated on me and left me for someone else, I am inclined not to contact him, but to wait and see if he contacts me. And in the mean time, keep on “being there” by social media!!! What do you think?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 11, 2019 at 7:33 pm

Hi Judith, to do the being there method you need to speak with him, as his friend. The fact he is viewing your pages, even though not fully confirmed, shows you are on his mind still, so if you were to go for it with the being there method I do think you’d be able to. But its your choice, as for waiting for him to reach out that may not happen as he maybe is waiting for you because he did wrong.

Ally

October 10, 2019 at 1:29 am

Hello,

So me and my boyfriend broke up in January, he stated that he didn’t see us as compatible anymore and he stopped wanted to have sex. But he had also started going out with a co-worker at this time stating that they were just friends.

Next few months we would see each other very frequently and at times things would still happen between us until I called him out and said you need to decide what you want, he decided nothing. I then went no contact slightly (and badly). Next few months he started dating said co-worker, then in June we started to become really close again as he was going through a really tough time and I wanted to make sure he was alright, but it turns out he had started having sex with the co-worker whilst using me as the emotional support.

In July we then went on holiday for 8 weeks. However, I stated before day 1 that we were not having any sort of relations on holiday out of respect for there relationship and for my own sanity. He kept denying that there was a relationship, but it was evident through the amount they would phone each other, messages sent and pictures sent to each other. During the holiday it was at times flirty, we would be very close, cuddle, play with each other, but then he would also be very distant and not good. I also did not react fantastically at times as I was finding out more and more about there relationship, which lead to me pushing him away a bit.

On return I started no contact for a week to which he got really upset and angry saying that it was unfair and that I should have told him and replied to him. Since, we have chatted a bit via text but it seems awkward and forced and we have also been out a couple of times but again it seems a bit awkward and not normal. Even he going as far as saying he forget what it was like us even being romantically together. But he also keeps asking me about my dating and if I had slept with people etc (I have).

After the last time of going out he asked about my night out on the Saturday, then last few days the contact has been nearly non existent and his new girlfriend keeps tagging him in couply posts on Facebook.

What should I do now as I want to try and regain some sort of spark that has been there?

Thanks ally

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 12, 2019 at 8:24 am

Hi Ally, so you need to do NC and a real one this time no ifs or buts, stick with a NC and stop giving him emotional support and caring. You need to date, and post subtle hints nothing too over the top. He is using you for the familiar connection and then hes getting to know the new girl too. So he is keeping his options open to you both. You need to appear that you are done waiting for him, for 30 days. Then start up a conversation with him but NOT EMOTIONAL ONES just as his friend. Read the being there method articles here. You need to appear to be the “better choice” out of you and the other woman.

Lola

October 9, 2019 at 10:26 pm

Hi Shaunna,
Thank you very much for replying to me.
I started a “partial NC rule” since Monday and I only contact him or talk to him if I have to tell him something about the boys or if I have to ask him if he can stay with the boys during I’m out. For example, on Saturday I want to go out with my friends all night because it’s my birthday, so I had to ask him if he can stay with my boys. He said yes, so when he comes over on Saturday, he is going to find me all GORGEOUS and ready to have a wonderful night without him ;).

Now, I’m still planning to move to Nevada next month or in December because there I can work FT and support my self and my kids. My mother in law lives there and she is supporting me and she will help me with the care of the boys so I can work FT again. She is very upset and disappointed with her son’s actions. They are not even talking to each other unless they really need to, so this situation really messed up their mother and son relationship. She just can’t believe that her son is so blind and stupid and that he is doing this. She told me: “That girl is nobody to us, she is nothing. She thinks that my son is so wonderful now but later she will realize that he is not :(. ”

I want to WIN HIM BACK FROM HER but at the same time I want the best for my kids and I want to become who I was before him. And at the same time, I want him to see me as the strong and hard-working woman that I’m and I always was but he never saw, because he was so blind to see it.
So do you advise me to move forward with this plan, or do you think that that will give him the total freedom to be with her permanently? After all, she will have him all for her self if we move. And I’m afraid that he will get so used to his freedom, that he will not miss me at all or even miss his kids.
What do you think?
Thank you.
Lola

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 9, 2019 at 11:21 pm

Hi Lola,
I’m glad you have planned that for Saturday and you stick with it and be happy when you get home too. If the move alters your life positively then do it, and the fact your moving closer to his mother, and that she is on your side in this is all to your advantage. Let him have that freedom itll get boring REAL fast when he misses his kids and the family life. Especially if you’re going to be putting some distance between you and him. And handling the household and working full time yourself is going to prove his complaints wrong.

Lola

October 6, 2019 at 12:06 am

Hi Chris,
I’m in really bad shape and reading this article gives me a bit of hope but I don’t know if these strategies will work with my husband. We had been married for 12 years , almost 13 and together for 14 years.
In June after coming back from a trip with our kids, my husband went to a work party. He never came back home that night until the next morning and I even had to call out from work because I didn’t have anyone to stay with my kids. He told me that he drank too much and that he lost track of time.
After a day of the event, after I came back from work he called me to my room and he told me that he wanted the divorce. He told me that “he didn’t love me anymore and that he was not happy with me”, and that on the night of the party he was flirting with a bartender and that he realized that because he was married to me he couldn’t really do anything with anyone.
We were already in trouble. We use to fight all the time because he will say that I didn’t work enough and that I didn’t make enough money because since I work and worked PT and the rest of the time I will spend my time racing my kids and taking care of the house and everything else he was the only one working full time. But I still work and I still help to pay the bills. So because he was upset he will always disrespect me, he will always leave me alone, lonely and he wouldn’t even spend any time with me, no even on my birthday or the holidays. He neglects me and I use to complain about that. So he uses to complain about money and I use to complain about a lack of love an affection. I became really depressed for years and I even lost my sex drive, which exacerbated everything.
He wouldn’t even eat dinner with the kids and I cause he will always find an excuse to be in his spear room. But he always uses to blame everything on me. The emotional abuse and fights. Everything, even when something will break or not work he will try to blame stuff on me. But technically he did still love me and he told me that this year, even if he doesn’t remember.
He even was afraid that I will cheat on him and he was always asking me if I was having an affair to fulfill my needs. But he will ask me this stuff when he was drunk but he also uses to dream about me cheating on him even so I never gave him any reason to make him think that I was doing that. So thinking about all this I thought that he still loved me without knowing for real.
Anyway, so when he told me that he wanted the divorce on that day, I told him that I love him so very much with all of my heart and soul but that I would let him go because I love him. But when I decided to do that and say that, I did it because I thought that after 12 years of marriage he was just confused, maybe in a midlife crisis, and I thought that he needed time to think and to find himself and to realize that he still loved me and that maybe we could try to work on our marriage. He told me that he thought that went we married his youth was stolen but he doesn’t remember that even if he was 26 I was only 27 as well and we both were young.

He decided to stay in our place because he could not afford to have his own place and because he wanted to have his kids close too. He was already sleeping in the spear room and he will only sleep with me when he wanted intimacy with me but on that day he technically separated me. I agreed with that, but starting on that day he started to go out every day to bars and with his work friends. He technically wanted his youth back. He would go out every single night and sometimes he will not come back home to sleep and he will tell me that he was too drunk to drive so he will crash at his friend’s house. Then after a couple of weeks, I asked him if he was already with someone but he told me that no, but that he was talking to a woman, just talking and flirting.
When he asked me for divorce was at the end of June. After a month and a half, I asked him for a second chance. I asked him to give me a second chance and since I thought that I was always the problem since he will blame everything on me, I told him that I will change if he gives me a second chance. But he just got angry and refused to even try to give me a second chance. Then he told me to stop begging him for a second chance because he already was seen some else. And I just started to cry so he left the house.
The next day after trying to talk about it again, he told me that the day when I asked him for a second chance he went to have sex with this OW.
I lost it, I felt like my entire world was destroyed. I wanted to die. I really wanted just to die but I thought about my kids.
He told me that he didn’t think about me or the kids when it happened but that he didn’t mean to happen. That it just happens!! But for what I can see and find out now, this was happening before he told me that it happens.
He apologized the next day and he told me that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that this happened in an unexpected way. Then starting that day I knew that every time when he was not coming home or every night when he was going out, he was going to her. And I had to deal with that horrible pain, I have to see him going to her or not coming home for almost a month until my father in law called him and asked him to leave our home because he was destroying me emotionally and physically more and more. So he left the house but because he didn’t have the money to rent another place he now stays with her. He sleeps with her every night and technically lives with her, even so, all of his stuff are still here cause he doesn’t have a place to put them.
He comes on his day off when I have to go to work in the morning so he can take care of the kids during I’m at work PT but then when I get home he will usually stay here for 1 or 2 more hrs and then he will go to her place.
I’m 40 now. He is 39 and she is only 27… She is the same age that I was when I married him and she is turning 28 this month, the same age that I was when I gave birth to our twin boys. Our wonderful and brilliant 12 years old now.
They work together, they know each other for a while. She lives near my house.
Technically they were only acquaintances but I think that she already wanted him for a long time and when she knew that we broke up, even if we are still married she decided to do everything to have him. And she knows that we are still married. She knew all about me and my kids before our separation. But she decided to freely open her legs to him because she saw him weak, needy and hangry of affection. She saw him weak and she did take advantage of that and of his stupidity. His man stupidity. She didn’t care that our separation was really fresh and that maybe he was confused. She erased any chance of reconciliation. She acted fast and did it with an intention to have him. She acted fast before he could think about or marriage. She acted fast so he could not even think about me anymore.
She saw his weakness and he fell inside his web.
They didn’t care about me or my boys.
And now I’m destroyed, in so much pain. I never in my life experience this kind of emotional and physical pain.
I tried to open his eyes and tell him that he is making the mistake of his life but he is not listening as usual, and of course, he will not listen, because this horny girl is giving him all the sex that he wants and I don’t think he is thinking with his brain.
Now because we can’t afford to leave here anymore (we live in Los Angeles) and because I can’t stand living here anymore because is too painful, because everything reminds me of him and his affair, I will move with my kids to Nevada.
Now he is very depressed because he will have to see his kids only once a month or when he can afford to drive to us. He told me that he is very sad because our marriage is ending. They told me that he is even a mess at work and that he is always sad.
He told me that he still loves me but that he is not in love with me to be able to be with me anymore because he thinks that we are bad together.
After 12 YEARS of marriage and 14 years of being together, he is losing me and the boys but he is still with her. And she is probably happy cause she knows that she will not have to share him with me or the boys anymore once we move.
And now I’m reading this because I want him back and I want him to leave her because I still think that he is just having a mid-life crisis and that he is confused and just stupid but that maybe he still in love with me without knowing. Or maybe he really loves her, but I don’t know.
And I don’t know if these strategies will work with him but I truly love him. He is the love of my life.
I’m open to suggestions and advice.
Thank you for reading

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 6, 2019 at 2:53 pm

Hey Lola, so I can sympathise with the whole kids work working life thing it is hard to do and sometimes the less inclusive partner doesn’t really see how much work it takes to keep a house running along with children and a job. The way he blames you though, that’s guilt on his part in my opinion. That hes resenting he doesn’t get the life he wanted to live. However part of being married is about partnership and sharing the load. Even if your incomes were not the same I can bet you put more hours into motherhood than he did in work.

Because he has the other woman in the picture now and they’ve moved in so fast. That’s not going to last too long let that implode all on its own…

Meanwhile you need to get on your feet and get yourself to an emotional position where you are strong and happy without him (HE WILL HATE THAT) and make sure that your kids are sorted too. They are actually old enough to speak to him themselves to arrange visits etc now so you can try and do a full NC apart from shared bills or an emergency with the boys. Doing this and working on being yourself again before this negativity entered your life will show him what you needed was love and support. If you can run your household and show you don’t need him this will actually prove how you don’t “need him”. Try not to talk down about the other woman, it will just look bitter. If you can try to act as if she doesn’t even exist that will be much better.

So your plan
Limited No Contact
Become Ungettable
Start Dating Casually
Texting Phase – Being There Method

Erin

September 5, 2019 at 3:54 pm

Recently my partner and baby’s father left me for a much younger girl. There is still an obvious attraction between us, he’s working away during the week but still living at home. One minute he talks about selling the house but keeps moving the goal posts. Then he’s making plans. I wish I knew where his head was at! I know he’s hurt me so much but I still don’t want to give up on us and our family. What do I do?
lia

August 9, 2019 at 7:42 pm

Good afternoon Chris,
I feel at such a loss. My boyfriend I broke up 8 months ago. To date, I’m sure why. However, he said he was going through a lot with work, his parent was very ill, and I was suffering from the effects of a bad car accident. This all became too much for him. Since the break-up we kept in irregular contact. I see his parents once a week ( as we are still friends). In the early part of this year, we started hanging out as friends. He said he still did not want to be in a relationship. But, he did try to get intimate (in April of this year). He has now been dating someone for 3 months. He said “it just happened” and he did not plan to be in a relationship.
I am devastated. When we first met, we had an immediate and deep connection. Something I have never felt in any relationship previously.
I’m not sure what to do form here.
Desi

July 28, 2019 at 4:46 pm

Hi Chris,
So I dated this guy for four years. We had a very nasty break up two years ago and were pretty much no contact and then low contact during that time.

We both got dumped about three months ago—literally on the same day—by people we were dating for a while (7 months in my case; 9 in his). After our breakups we started hanging out again, going out to dinner, texting, etc. Here’s the thing: his most recent ex just came back into the picture a few weeks ago and said she wants to work things out, so now that’s what he is doing. This was a bummer because it felt as though we were working things out, mending things, and slowly exploring the possibility of getting back together. I told him as much. He said he is in love with her and not with me anymore (though he did say he loves me and always will).

Mind you, he still texts me back and we run into each other regularly at the local watering hole but the dinners and lunches together have basically stopped, as the new gf doesn’t want me hanging around and is a bit jealous. Obviously, his time is more limited now.

What do I do? Does the being there thing work in a case such as this? Or is NCR better in this instance? And what are the odds of him falling in love with me again/convincing him that it’s worth working through the issues we had? What does it mean when I guy says I “love you but am not in love with you anymore”? Is there a way back from that? He’s responsive, so I take that as a good sign. But I don’t want to be friend zoned permanently. Thx!