So, you’re single?
Except it’s not quite as glamorous as Beyonce made it seem with her backup dancers and fancy leotards… is it?
It’s more like…
So… you’ve decided that you want your ex back. Where do you even start?
You want to make him want you back….. and not just want you back… desire you.
I get it. I have been exactly where you are standing and I have wanted nothing more than for my ex to beg me to come back and It took me several failed attempts to realize that I was going about it the wrong way.
You should have seen me chasing him. I was Wile E. Coyote and he was the Road Runner.
Believe it or not, getting your ex to desire you requires no actual interaction between the two of you. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
I’m going to explain to you how to make this breakup not only work out in your favor, but make getting back together be the easiest decision your ex has ever made.
Embrace the Distance
Well I have to tell you something, and you aren’t going to believe it.
The absolute worst thing you can do if you’re trying to get your Ex back after a breakup is smother him with affection and attention. In fact, you should do the exact opposite.
Let me put it this way…
Have you ever broken up with someone in the past?
If not, have you ever had a fight with a friend ?
If you answered no to both of those questions, let’s consider something everyone has definitely dealt with, having a disagreement with your parent’s.
I think it’s safe to say EVERYONE has had a disagreement with their parents at some point.
Let’s keep it simple in this scenario. Let’s say you wanted to do something…
and your mom said you couldn’t.
Now, that would be aggravating. right?
This happened to me quite a bit, but over time I realized something. If I continued to bother my mom to let me do whatever it was I wanted to do, not only would the answer still be no, I would get myself in even more trouble.
Maybe you were an angel as a kid and this is completely foreign to you. But for most people this is a pretty common issue.
Pressing them to make a decision or change their mind tends to make it much… much bigger of a problem than it has to be.
The same can be said for fights with friends and issues between in relationships.
Why is it so difficult though?
The answer is simple. Patience is not a common attribute. It’s something you have to work at and we want results RIGHT NOW, not later.
If you’ve been in any of these situations, you know that pushing won’t get you anywhere but somewhere you don’t want to be.
So, what do you do?
Well, first you need to start No Contact.
No Contact is the most important step towards getting your ex back?
Well, if you are going to build a house, you aren’t doing to do it without a proper foundation and you can’t do that without leveling out the ground beneath it.
No contact is a cooling of period of sorts. It gives you time, not only to level out your emotions, but to get the other aspects of your life leveled out as well.
Read more about No Contact by clicking here!
Set Yourself up for Success
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times we get asked if it’s okay to break No Contact. If I were to guess, it would be 8 out of 10 readers.
Well, No Contact is hard and at the first sign of progress people either think,
“Ah, progress! I’ve done all I have to do!”
“This came up and it will work better than this program that has helped thousands of people get their exes back, because I know better.”
Well, I can tell you one thing for certain. This kind of outlook will keep you from getting your ex back and whining will get you nowhere.
There are very few reasons for cutting No Contact short.
To read more about cutting No Contact short, click here .
Trust me, it will be extremely tempting to quit early and give into that temptation to reach out to your ex. You have to fight that urge.
In order to set yourself up for success, you need to remove the things that feed into that temptation. The’yll only derail you.
That would mean removing his posts from your social media feeds… ALL OF THEM. You don’t have to delete him, just hide his posts by:
Unfollowing him on Facebook.
Muting Him on Twitter.
Blocking him on Instagram and Snapchat.
Almost every form of social media has made it possible to hide his posts without deleting him all together.
Remove anything that might be an obstacle, anything that might hinder you in this challenge, because it WILL be a challenge.
Be Mindful of Him
When I say be mindful, I mean consider what your ex might be going through along with your own feelings. Whether you broke up with her or she broke up with you, you both will be going through a roller coaster of emotions.
It’s easy to have a bit of tunnel vision after a breakup. Your emotions are all over the place and you aren’t sure where to go from here. Every part of your brain is screaming at you to do a million different things and you’re tempted to go running back to what is familiar even if you know that space is necessary.
How do you know that?
Because I just told you so.
Were you listening?
Take a moment an clear your mind of everything and put yourself in your ex’s shoes. Whether he chose it, or not, he in an unfamiliar situation just like you. Even if he did do the breaking up, eventually it will hit him that you aren’t there and he’ll realize he misses that.
Give him that space to come to that conclusion on his own. There is a good reason that it’s a cliché that men don’t like to accept things unless they think they came up with it on their own .
How long do you give him though? The No Contact article I mentioned before can be a great help in deciding that. Generally, we suggest 30 days as a good middle ground, but if you read the article you’ll realize that there are other factors that need to be taken into account if you want it to be more effective.
If you keep reading, I’ll show you how to help him come to that conclusion without him realizing that you had a hand in it.
During No Contact, you aren’t supposed to just sit and stare at the time on your phone counting down the days till you are allowed to text him again. That would be pointless. There is no resolution on your end that way. If the two of you reconcile with no improvement on either side, statistically speaking you are likely to end up right where you did last time… breaking up, possibly permanently.
That would be a complete waste of time. I mean, clearly something needs to change. What better time to use the 21, 30, or 45 days ahead of you to clean up your side of the road so to speak.
And don’t try and tell me that there is nothing you can do in this aspect. You may not have had actively done something that cause the relationship to come to a screeching halt, but there are plenty of things you can do to make sure that, when your ex returns, you’ll be ready to build a relationship that will last… together.
There are three parts of your life I want you to look at:
- The Past
- The Future
- And The Right Now
Identify Past Shortcomings
When looking at the past, you should look at two very different parts of the life you’ve already lived.
First, look at the commonalities across every relationship you’ve ever had. Every one has bad habits. I’ll give you a couple of personal examples. I have two really bad habits that tend to cause issues, not only in romantic relationships, but in my friendships. One is that when someone used to tell a story or say something interesting, I had this knee jerk reaction to either one up them, or pretend I already knew what they were talking about.
Why? I have no idea. But this habit had a grating effect on most of my interactions with people and they began to wear thin. I was a One-Upper, a Know-It-All. I would hear myself say these things, and would berate myself later for my inability to control what came out of my mouth.
If you have something that you know makes the people around you grate their teeth, even little things, I suggest you do what I did. Make yourself aware of it and make it a goal to overcome it.
It took me a while, but I finally learned to bite my tongue when the urge to One-Up or to be a Know-It-All hit me.
The second thing in your past you need to look at is anything you let slide.
It’s part of life to set dreams aside for a healthy dose of reality. But, a lot of times, reality gets overrun with complacency. I see so many people get into relationships and life becomes a constant travel between going to work, coming home, and spending time with their significant others.
They end up letting friendships, dreams, and hobbies fade simply because they are comfortable.
It’s okay. It happens to everyone. It’s part of why, when a relationship ends, a hollow feeling sets in.
This happens because in a relationship, you find joy in the presence of another person. There are some people who find a healthy balance in their relationship. But the reality is that most people find themselves completely lost without the relationship to hang onto.
Finding solid footing can take a little work. But if you put a little effort into rebuilding friendships, passions, and hobbies, then you are likely to find your footing. This will keep you from treading water until No Contact .
Plan for the Future
Before you hone in on what you need to take action with right now, it’s important you decide where you want to go from here. It’s also important that you create a plan that works for you in two scenarios. The first scenario is the one in which your ex and you get back together. The second is the one in which you don’t.
Now, if you follow the entire plan laid out in ExRecoveryPro, your chances of scenario number one happening are fairly high.
How do I know?
Well, aside from the fact that all but two of my exes has come back or proposed to me at some point after we went our separate ways, I’d say I have a fair idea. And the fact that we have SO MANY success stories. Some of them include wedding invites from happily reunited couples!
I’d say that speaks for itself.
But don’t take my word for it, take the leap and try it for yourself.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh yeah! Figure out what you want to do with your life.
A lot of times, a lot of the sadness that comes after a breakup is not what it seems. I mean, yeah, you might miss your ex, but a lot of that feeling of loss comes from losing out on the perspective future that you had imagined.
Go ahead, let that soak in.
Everyone imagines what the future will be like and when you are with someone and happy, it’s normal to imagine the perfect future with them.
For my mom, it was a beautiful house on a hill with a white picket fence and a porch swing… don’t ask. She had a quiet country life planned for her and my dad and presumably a few kids.
Well, they did live in the country, just a little more rural than she expected. And her house is NOTHING like what she imagined. And they couldn’t have kids together, so they wound up adopting.
Things rarely work out the way you imagine, but when you have a partner it makes it easier to accept. My mom was perfectly happy with her rewrite .
That feeling you’re dealing with now, you know, the one that feels like there’s a ginormous hole in your chest, it’s temporary. That feeling comes from having your imaginary rug made out of that future you had planned pulled out from under you .
Don’t worry. There is a simple way to keep that from ever happening to you again.
Plan for everything!
Sounds crazy right?
Does that mean you need to have 5,000 plans laid out and ready to set in motion?
You need one plan, just one.
You need to plan for the absolute worst thing that can happen.
Look at your situation and imagine the absolute worst thing that can possibly happen.
For most people, that is simply that they don’t get back together with their ex. But for others this might mean even more drastic outcomes.
It’s okay. Don’t panic just yet.
Take my friend, well call him Brad.
Brad is going through a split with his girlfriend right now. They’ve lived together for several years and he paid for everything. He opted to move out but has nowhere to go.
In this case, my advice to him was to consider the situation coming to a place where he and his ex don’t get back together and make plans based on that. He should look for apartments that he can afford. He needs to talk to his landlord and figure out what he would need to do to transfer the lease from his name to hers. And he needs to talk to his parents and friends to see if someone can take his dog for a month or two till he gets situated in a new place.
It’s not unfeasible to assume that moving would be costly, so I advised him to go ahead and take into account the costs that he might have to deal with and set money aside so if he has to take action it won’t derail his entire life.
See, the thing is, if he wanted to get his ex back, he certainly could. However, if he plans for the absolute worst thing that could happen, then he is ready for anything that could happen.
Right now your heart is telling you that if you don’t get back together, the world will end. But your head knows better and being prepared for the responsibilities that come with reality will make anything that could possibly happen from you getting back together to him completely disappearing from your life into something that you are at least prepared to handle, even if you aren’t ready to deal with it emotionally.
The other thing to take into account are those ambitions and hobbies you may have let slide in the past that we were talking about before. How do you want those to play into the future? Are some of them things that you can reestablish? Take this into account when you make your plans for the future. You’ll thank yourself later for building a life for yourself.
Build that life and then, when your ex comes back into your life, don’t let them take over your focus. Merging lives doesn’t mean completely abandoning your own. It only works if you both work to intertwine both of your lives together while still maintaining your individuality. Make sure that you aren’t the only one putting forth effort to make this work.
The Here and Now
Okay, so we’ve looked at the past and figured out what improvements or adjustments need to be made. We’ve looked at the future and decided what preparations need to be made just in case things don’t go our way. You’ve even taken the life that you’ll build whether he comes back or not and you’ve considered how to make it work so you don’t lose your individuality when he does.
So, what now.
I mean, you have this list of things to do, how do you put them in action?
You don’t just take your list of ideas and flaunt them at him and hope he finds your creativeness attractive.
Well, as to the habits and altering them, take an index card and keep it in your pocket or in your purse. Every time you catch yourself doing the bad habit, make a tally mark on it for a couple of days. Then, come up with something you can do instead of your bad habit and make it a point to replace the original habit with the new one. Keep a tally on one side of the card that is for how many time you successfully replace the old habit with the new one, and on the other side the unsuccessful moments.
For example, in my case I would keep a running tally for a couple days of how many times I One-Up someone. Then I would decide to replace it with something like congratulating the person on whatever they accomplished or were talking about or simply making a positive statement and keep a tally of my successes and failures.
Continue to do this until the number of successes outweighs the failures immensely. This is how you replace a habit as discovered in a study explained by Charles Duhigg in his book, “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and in Business.”
Then you have to figure out what actions you need to take to prepare for the plans you came up with for the future. You need to figure out what your next action needs to be.
For examples, the next action steps you’d need to take in *Brad’s case would be to talk to your landlord about transferring the lease and your parents or friends about taking care of your dog for a month or two. You’d also have to look into alternative housing options, just in case things don’t pan out the way you want them to.
I know the thought is probably a bit of a downer, but don’t collapse in tears just yet.
It’s just a precautionary method. Believe me, when you have a plan, there is such a weight off your shoulders because that is just one more thing you don’t have to worry about.
Setup up your safety net, so you don’t have to worry.
Eventually, it will sink in that he misses having you around and he will find himself on your social media and listening extra closely when your friends bring you up in conversation. By removing some of the natural worry about what you will do with your future in the worst case scenario will give you a air of Beyonce-confidence that you didn’t even realize you were capable of.
When you come up in conversation, he’ll try to be casual when he asks them,
“Oh yeah? How’s she doing?”
(and he totally will if you’ve stuck to No Contact like you’re supposed to)
and your mutual friend will respond with something like,
“Well, she’s actually doing pretty well. It’s like she’s really come into her own, you know?”
Basically, if you appear to be doing well, that’s great! If you are ACTUALLY doing well, even if you are hurting, then he won’t be able to keep from checking in on your social media to see what you’re up to. So, don’t be afraid to post pictures of your social life and the improvements that you’ve made .
Then when you finally finish with No Contact and move forward to the texting section of the ExRecoveryPro process, he won’t be able to keep himself from jumping at the opportunity to talk to you, because he’ll have imagined every other guy will have realized how awesome you are.
There is one more thing that everyone thinks they need to take on when they are in no contact.
I’m talking about hitting the gym. Don’t get me wrong, going to the gym and getting healthy is something I am all for.
I mean, I’m a gymaholic if that is such a thing. I have a minor obsession with all things Nike and Lululemon. If you were to look in my closet I have more pairs of tennis shoes and yoga pants than I care to admit.
A lot of women get it in their head that they need to look a certain way to get their ex back, and spend the entire time they are doing No Contact in the gym. However, unless you are building a lifestyle that you intend to stick with, this fix isn’t a permanent one. It might get your ex’s attention if you are in better shape and catch his eye. But, unless it’s paired with other overall improvements and effort, it will be pointless. Once you get out of No Contact and your ex is back in your life, it is highly likely that you will lose interest in the gym.
If you are going to put focus into getting in shape, make a point to focus on integrating it into your life and making it into something that you absolutely can’t imagine life without. Explore the other benefits of getting fit and healthy that resonate with you.
Because, if the only reason you are doing it is to catch your ex’s attention, you’ll no longer have a reason or motivation to continue once you get it.
Make your motivation based on you rather than on him and not only will you reap the benefits for life, but you will also find yourself filled with self-worth and confidence that you’ve never felt before. (unless you were already a gymaholic like me… In which case… ignore this section and keep doing what you’re doing.)
If You Build It…
Well, now you have the groundwork to build a wildly desirable presence that is sure to make your ex do a double take. Like I said earlier, the next step is texting, but there is a very specific way to go about it to make him give into that desire you’ve built up and keep from jumping in too fast like we all naturally want to.
You’re not quite in the clear yet, texting is a tricky process. You have to put thought into every single thing you say and end conversations at exactly the right point in the conversation.
For more info on the texting process you can either read this article, or you can get the full program that have resulted in so many successful reconciliations with ExRecoveryPro.