Today we are going to talk about if your ex regrets breaking up with you.
It’s pretty obvious that breakups in general are hard. Often most of my personal coaching clients are left reeling and confused.
Often they’ll have the following thoughts.
“Does he regret leaving me?”
“Does he even feel bad for hurting me?”
If it makes you feel a little better, everyone going through a breakup has these exact same thoughts.
In this article I’m going to explore the idea of breakups and regret in a way that I’m not seeing anyone attempt.
I’ll be tackling questions like,
- Is Regret After A Breakup Normal
- Are There Signs That An Ex Will Exhibit If They Regret Their Decision?
- How Often Do Dumpers Actually Regret Leaving?
- What Exactly Is Going Through A Dumpers Mind When They Do Regret Leaving A Relationship?
- Steps You Can Actually Take To Make An Ex Regret Breaking Up With You
Is Regret After A Breakup Normal?
So I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that regret after a breakup is completely normal.
Often when faced with an emotional situation like a breakup human beings have this tendency to romanticize the past.
I’ve often spoke about the idea of the “peak end rule.”
Essentially it’s a framework that shows how human beings process information.
Take a look at this chart.
You’ll notice immediately that there are two distinct points in which human beings remember most when forced to think back on a memory.
- The peak, which is the most exciting part of the experience.
- And the end, the actual end of the experience.
After a breakup these two points are put under a lot of stress.
Exes who tend to romanticize the past tend to think back fondly on the peaks of their relationships.
They’ll remember those amazing times together and often that romanticization can lead to regret.
Of course, I started this section by explaining that I had good news and bad news.
The good news was that yes, regret is completely normal after a breakup.
The bad news is that sometimes you’ll never get confirmation if an ex is regretting their decision to break up with you.
This is why I’d like to dive into the rabbit hole even deeper and discuss some of the signs that me and my team have noticed exes express when they regret their decision to break up with you.
Signs That An Ex Regrets Their Decision To Break Up With You
I’ve actually talked a lot about this concept on Ex Boyfriend Recovery before.
I’ve recorded a few podcasts on the subject.
And even was lucky enough to film an entire video dissecting some of the signs that an ex regrets breaking up with you.
But one thing you’ll learn about me is that I am never satisfied. I am constantly taking my theories and trying to disprove them.
My thinking is that the more I do this the more I’ll be able to find the universal truth about a specific subject and provide you with better breakup advice.
So, what has years of internal research yielded when it comes to signs that an ex regrets their decision to break up with you?
In all my team and I have identified 4 signs signs that your ex is having a hard time with the breakup.
- Deleting Pictures Together But Leaving One Untouched
- Being Quick To Anger
- Obsessive Thoughts And Cravings
I’d like to take a moment to dissect each of these signs.
Let’s start from the top.
Sign #1: They Unfollow Or Unfriend You
Initially this may seem like an odd sign to include but if you really think about it, it does make sense.
I’ve been on record many times stating that human beings tend to react one of two ways after a breakup.
Fight or Flight
Essentially they’ll either run away from the problem or they’ll fight the problem.
That’s what will happen here.
Sometimes an ex who regrets his decision to break up with you will avoid you at all costs.
And all costs includes things like unfriending you or unfollowing you on Facebook.
Simple, they don’t want to be reminded of anything you are up to because it causes them extreme pain.
Sign #2: Deleting All Your Pictures Together But Leaving One Untouched
This may seem like an odd sign to include as well. However, I don’t want you to think of it like that.
I recently filmed a video on the signs your ex is pretending to be over you.
What is interesting about it is that this was one of the signs we noticed exes will exhibit.
Essentially they’l delete all of your pictures together except leave one untouched.
Well, my theory is that they are trying to get a reaction out of you. They want to see you struggle because it’s a way for them to check and see if you still care.
They want you to react.
Because if you do then it tells them that you still care about the relationship as much as they do.
Sign #3: Being Quick To Anger
Have you ever seen one of those pendulums that swing from one side to the other?
Emotions kind of act in a similar way after a breakup.
I often call this phenomenon the “pendulum swing effect.”
One minute your ex may seem cold and the next the pendulum will swing to hot.
This essentially means they say or do something that makes you think they are interested.
A few days go by and then they jump to being cold.
That means they are quick to anger or just completely fall off the map.
So, what can this hot and cold pendulum swing tell us?
Well, all it will tell us is that your ex is having a hard time processing the emotions that typically come along with a breakup.
Sign #4: Obsessive Thoughts And Cravings
I’m going to touch on this concept a bit later in this article but one of the biggest signs that an ex is regretting their decision to break up with you is if they think about you more than normal.
Now, I can hear the naysayers out there saying things like,
“Chris, how in the world can we tell what’s going on in our exes heads?”
Put simply, you can’t.
But you can pay attention to their actions. Generally I used to tell my clients to pay attention to what an ex will say when you talk to them.
However, experience has taught me that what an ex says and what an ex does don’t always match up.
I always advise my clients to pay attention to what an ex is doing.
Their actions will tell you what they really think.
So, how can you tell if they are having obsessive thoughts and cravings about you?
Well, how often are they texting you?
Are they trying to see you in person?
These are direct actions that tell us that they are obsessing over you to the point where they have to talk to you or see you.
A very good sign indeed.
But How Often Do Dumpers Actually Regret Leaving?
Regret is a funny thing.
Recently I filmed a video on regret. Specifically how to make an ex regret his decision to break up with you.
Now, normally when I film these videos I jot down a few things that I’d like to cover and just talk organically about them.
The question when I planned out that video that I wanted to answer was,
“What are the things that people regret at the end of their lives?”
Once I went down that rabbit hole that was it.
I couldn’t stop researching and surfaced one of the most fascinating insights about the human psyche that I think I’ve ever encountered.
The biggest regrets human beings have at the end of their lives have to do with not fulfilling their ideal selves.
In other words, it all has to do with opportunities they missed.
How does that connect to a dumper regretting his decision to break up with you?
Well, when he leaves you does he feel like he is missing an opportunity?
In fact, I think an argument can be made that he is leaving you because he feels like being with you would cause him to miss other opportunities with other women.
Don’t take offense to that.
Men are like all human beings, very self interested.
Also, that’s not to say that you can’t make him regret his decision.
From The Mouths Of Babes… Three Men Who Regret Their Decisions To Break Up
Many of you probably don’t realize this but I actually own two of the largest breakup websites on the internet.
This website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery is for women who are going through breakups.
My other websites, Ex Girlfriend Recovery is for men going through breakups.
In other words, I have an entire audience of men who are going through breakups and many of them are regretting their decision to actually break up with their girlfriends.
In preparation for this article I compiled three of the best “regret” comments I got from them.
For those wondering there were two prerequisites for me to choose a comment.
- They had to admit they regretted the decision
- They had to be the ones to break up with their exes
I want you to pay attention to some of the common themes at play which I’ll talk about after I get through each of these comments.
Man #1: Cole
“I just broke up with ex-girlfriend a couple days ago. She was falling for me and I believed we lost a connection…that was until she walked out. We dated for two months.
I instantly felt regret when I knew she wouldn’t come back.”
What I find interesting about Cole admitting his regret was that he felt they lost a connection but really didn’t feel regret until she walked out.
Let’s take note of that for later.
Man #2: Will
“Hello, I broke up with ex six months ago. The relationship was great for the first two and a half years but the last few months were full of fighting mostly because she felt like I wasn’t ready to take the relationship to the next level. She is 37 years old with two kids in elementary school. Maybe taking on the responsibility of being a parent played into my decision. I broke it off, moved out and proceeded to travel and teach overseas for a few months. After a two month nc I reached out and poured my heart out explaining that after time for soul searching I realized that I am ready for marriage and to be a step dad. She was obviously still angry and was not interested in me coming back to her. We met through work and now we are back to working together. She has a new bf that she is half moved in with but their relationship has been volatile to say the least. We have worked together for six weeks and there are still hurt feelings on both sides. I will work with her for the next five months before I make the decision to leave the US without her or stay with her. How should I approach getting her back thanks”
So, he broke up with his ex six months ago, took some soul searching time and determined that he wanted her back.
Here’s the problem.
She already moved on and got a new boyfriend.
He regrets his decision clearly and I feel like he started regretting when he had that soul searching time.
Again, let’s take a note of that.
Man #3: Jonas
“I broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago. And I already regret it. The worst thing is that we study in the same school and in the same class. It would be much easier to me to not see her almost every day. I broke up with her because I wanted to get better at myself, I tried to explain it to her, but hopeless. She thinks that I broke up with her beacuse I’m tired of her or something. Is there anything that I can do?”
So, Jonas here broke up with his girlfriend and immediately regretted it.
I think it has to do with how quickly he has to see her after the breakup.
But it probably goes deeper.
It probably also has to do with the fact that she isn’t agonizing over the breakup.
What Can We Learn From These Three Men And Their Regret?
There were three big takeaways I took from this little study.
- One man instantly felt regret when he felt he lost his girl forever.
- Another one needed time before he started realizing his mistake.
- The third man grew upset when he saw how his ex wasn’t as upset as he thought she would be.
What do these three things tell us about some of the triggers of regret?
Well, more than anything I think they show us that they all have a connection to that “missed opportunity.”
With Cole (man one) it was all about when he had to confront the fact that he may have lost his ex forever.
With Will (man two) he felt regret when he had time to reflect on what he had really lost.
Finally with Jonas (man three) it was having to see his ex every day that probably reinforced his realization that he could have been having fun with her when he wasn’t.
Another missed opportunity.
Remember this, missed opportunities are key.
Three Steps You Can Take To Make Him Regret Breakup Up With You
Thus far we’ve really tapped into the psychology of regret.
Do men regret the breakup?
What has to align for them to regret it?
But one thing that we haven’t really talked about are specific steps that you can take to make an ex regret breaking up with you. Overall there are three main strategies that we see work the best.
- Completing No Contact
- Focusing On Self Improvement
- Do Things To Keep Him Guessing
Let’s talk about those three things.
Step One: Complete No Contact
For women in pain, not talking to their ex is difficult to do. We want to share how we are feeling and we want to know that our exes feel the same way.
However, No Contact is highly effective against men.
Here’s why: Men don’t like to be controlled.
What they do like is power.
When you start blowing up his phone after the breakup, he KNOWS he has power over you.
BUT, when you go silent and say nothing he begins to wonder…
“Where is she?”
“Why isn’t she upset and begging for me back?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“Is there someone better?”
“Did she realized she doesn’t need me?!”
This doubt is going to make him think that he doesn’t have as much pull over you as he thought he did.
You’re strong and independent.
You are worthy of his RESPECT.
Holding your own and staying silent is going to make him respect you and in time this will draw him back to you.
We all want what we cannot have. You need to make yourself as unobtainable, or ungettable as possible.
Step Two: Focus On Self Improvement
So, speaking of becoming ungettable… do you know what that is?
It’s an Ex Boyfriend Recovery term.
You can read more about it in this article, The Ungettable Girl.
The absolute best revenge you can take on an ex is to make him regret losing you in the first place.
A lot of women make the mistake of becoming the “crazy” ex girlfriend.
But not you.
You are going to become a glowing, healthy, vibrant version of yourself that is going to make him stop and say,
“Is that really HER?!”
How do you go about doing this?
Well, you focus on the Holy Trinity.
The Holy Trinity is another one of those Ex Boyfriend Recovery terms. It’s a trifecta:
Here’s a video I put together to explain it:
Let’s tackle the holy trinity step by step.
This is a pretty big one for you as men are upsettingly interested in looks.
After a breakup, exercise is an excellent way to burn off your negative emotions and get an ego boost while your at it. And you do it all while working on improving your overall health and physical appearance.
Get a new haircut and update your wardrobe Do anything you can do that makes you feel goo about yourself. Yes you want to make him stop and take notice as he scrolls through your Instagram, but ultimately the goal should be making yourself feel amazing.
On that note, there is another aspect of health that doesn’t always get as much attention ad your physical health and that is your mental health.
Working on mental health can mean many things:
- Seeing a therapist
- Doing some journaling
- Attending yoga classes
- Just taking some time for yourself
Whatever it is you need to do to rebalance your mind, do it.
I don’t know if you have heard or not but now is the time for powerful women.
This means we no longer relying on men.
During your No Contact, work on getting yourself established financially so that the only person you NEED to be successful is you.
This can mean many things.
It can mean getting a new job, it can mean asking for a raise, or it can mean going back to school.
Whatever it means for you to place yourself into better standing financially go forward and start taking the steps needed to get there.
After a breakup, women have little to no interest in dating. They want the man they want and that is it.
However… hear me out here… dating is actually going to get your ex interested in getting back together with you.
Like I said earlier, men want what they cannot have and they want what other people want. If he hears you are dating again he is going to start to fear truly losing you and will come running back.
I’m not saying go out and look for love. I am saying go see a movie… have dinner… let someone treat you well for a change.
Outside of just dating, though it is important to cultivate the relationships with your friends and with yourself. It is too easy to get the idea that you need a relationship to be happy.
That is simply is not true!
Become comfortable with yourself and develop a solid support group to surround yourself with. That is the goal of the Holy Trinity and Becoming Ungettable.
Step Three: Do Things To Keep Him Guessing
The final piece of advice that I am going to give you is to keep your ex guessing.
After No Contact, if he asks you about things that you did or people you met after the breakup give vague answers that will make his imagination run wild.
For example, if he asks,
“Have you ever been to this restaurant?”
Smile and say,
“Oh yeah, a couple weeks ago. It’s a fun place!”
and leave it at that.
I personally have been doing this and my ex now thinks I went on twenty times as many dates as I actually went on… It drives him crazy.
Emotions and people change. Your ex may feel a certain way now but that is not going to last forever.
Focus on yourself, become the best version of you that you can be and he will come crawling back to you. You may very well realize you are worth so much more than he could ever offer you.