By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 16th, 2021

Today we’re going to explore the answer to the question – will my ex come back if I let them go?

We’ll also share some of the fascinating internal research my team and I have done over the years that will shed light on the answer to this question.

But first let’s start with a popular quote I’m sure many of us have head before.

“If you love something so much, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be.
If it doesn’t it never was.” – Albert Schweitzer

This is perhaps one of the most famous quotes about love.

Essentially it means that if we let go of what we love and it returns to us, it was meant to be.

You may be wondering; do relationships really work out this way?

Well, yes and no. I know that’s not exactly the answer you want to hear, so allow me to elaborate.

When you are trying to get your ex back, simply leaving and ignoring your ex or using a strategy to ignore your ex will not be enough to woo them back into a relationship. You need something more. You need an overarching game plan or strategy.

So, let’s talk about the overall game plan you should be implementing to win back your ex and by doing so learn some of the signs that they will probably be coming back.

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The “Get Your Ex Back” Game Plan

Now, I am one of the biggest proponents of the No Contact Rule.

Ignoring your ex at its core seems to be one of the most prolific strategies that most relationship experts, like me, are recommending.

Where I differ with some of my peers regarding the No Contact Rule is that I don’t think it’s smart to rely on this strategy alone.

Think of it like this – the No Contact Rule is simply one piece of the puzzle, so if you only apply this rule, you’re not going to get the full picture. Your puzzle is going to be incomplete.

There are more little puzzle pieces that you need to fit together to make this process work for you.

It just so happens that, for the better part of the last decade, my team and I have found the most effective puzzle pieces or strategies to pair with the No Contact Rule.

It really comes down to adding two additional strategies to complete an effective game plan.

What are the two strategies we recommend pairing with no contact?

  1. The Value Chain
  2. The Value Ladder

Now, let me start by explaining the Value Ladder first.

Strategy #1: The Value Chain

Simply put, the Value Ladder is the different types of communication you should have with your ex after the No Contact Rule ends.

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Now, if you want to get technical, there are five types of communication that you should have with your ex.

But, for the purpose of this article, we’re going to focus on the three most common types of communication you should have with your ex.

What are the three most common types of communication?

  1. Text Messaging
  2. Phone or Video Calls
  3. One-on-one Interaction

After the No Contact Rule ends, clients commonly communicate with their exes through text messaging, phone or video calls, or meeting one-on-one.

Now, if you’re confused as to how you should stack or order these types of communication with your ex, that’s probably something you need to learn by reading this article.

However, before you do that, let’s talk more about the second strategy we recommend — the Value Chain.

Strategy #2: The Value Chain

The Value Ladder was all about the types or methods of communication you should have with your ex, but the Value Chain is focused on the actual conversation you should have with your ex. Or, rather the type of conversations.

We have found there are basically five types of conversations that you should have with your ex throughout the entire process of trying to win them back.

Here are the five types of conversations you should be having with your ex.

  1. Small Talk
  2. Telling Stories
  3. Sharing Opinions
  4. Virgin Ground
  5. Sharing Feelings

Now, the most common mistake we see our clients make after explaining the Value Ladder and the Value Chain is, they picture them literally as a ladder or a chain that they need to climb up.

They think – I need to have one type of conversation with my ex before I have another type, and then another type.

Believe it or not there is a correct order that you should be implementing these conversations in.

The more effective way to approach this piece of the puzzle is to spread all five types of conversations in the Value Ladder out throughout the entire process of trying to get your ex back.

Don’t Kid Yourself… There Are No Guarantees

Now, before I share something incredibly fascinating that we discovered about your original question, it’s only fair that I tell you the truth about the process of getting your ex back.

Even if you are doing everything right. Even if you are using the three most common types of communication in the Value Chain and you are having the right types of conversations that we have outlined in the Value Ladder, things can still go wrong.

Anyone who tells you that getting your ex back will be an easy process is lying to you.

Quite frankly, the odds are almost always stacked against you. Yes, you can increase the odds by using our methods, absolutely. But, increasing the odds doesn’t necessarily guarantee success. If fact, I would still say the odds are relatively stacked against you.

So, what does this mean? Does this mean you should give up trying to get your ex back? Is that what we are suggesting?

No, not at all. But we do want you to enter the process understanding that even if you do everything by the book – even if you execute everything perfectly – things could still not work out.

The Truth About Letting Go

It is at this point in the process where my team and I discovered something fascinating about letting exes go.

You see, we’ve been blessed over the years with a variety of success stories. What potentially separates us from our peers is that we spend a lot of time diving deep and talking with our each of our successful clients to learn what truly worked for them in winning their exes back. We receive all different answers.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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What is interesting, however, is a pattern that has emerged from this research with a certain subsection of our successful clients.

This group of successful clients followed our advice. They followed the Value Ladder and the Value Chain. Things were going well, but they still were not winning their ex back. It was only after these clients said to themselves and even to our private Facebook group, “I give up. I’m ready to move on. I can’t take this anymore!” that they started to see progress.

After seeing this trend repeatedly over the years, my team and I came up with an interesting term to describe this phenomenon. We call it “moving on without moving on”.

Moving On Without Moving On

Essentially, “moving on without moving on” occurs when a client reaches a breaking point.

They bottom out and completely give up on trying to win their ex back — and that’s when they start to see success.

Their ex starts to notice they are not contacting them anymore and wonders why. Suddenly, the ex decides they want our client in their life again.

You may be thinking, why does this happen? Well, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, but we do have a hypothesis.

I think it ultimately boils down to the fact that people who literally reach the end of their rope and give up on trying to win their ex back, can’t fake it anymore.

Here’s my point. Sometimes when I explain the “moving on without moving on” phenomenon to my clients, they try to fake it until they can make it. What do I mean by that? Well, they say they’re going to give up, but deep down in their heart they still really want their ex back more than anything – and their ex can sense it.

It’s the clients who truly WANT to give up on winning their ex back that creates an aura of confidence about themselves that says “I’m moving on”. When the ex senses our client has truly moved on, it likely re-attracts them.

So, if you are wondering if your ex will come back if you let them go, the answer is that it’s likely. From our experience and research, there is a lot of truth in Albert Schweitzer’s popular quote, “If you love something so much, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it doesn’t, it never was”.

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26 thoughts on “Will My Ex Come Back If I Let Them Go?”

  1. うみ

    February 24, 2020 at 9:31 am

    Hi! Me and ex gf broke up a month ago bc I cheated on her but I ended things up with the other to make things up with her, to make things right. I cheated bc she herself told me that she got bored in our relationship, she rarely have time on me. I even did what she wants, she wants us three to talk together and have me choose and I did it and chose her but eventually after few days she broke things up with me bc she doesn’t think that our relationship is going anywhere and that our LDR will still work. It really hurt me big time since she is the only one I wanna be with for the rest of my life. She said she needed space so I went NC but after we broke up she’d still call me once in a week and even checked my social media accts every once in a while since she still has access to it. We talked about some things but we really haven’t talk about our relationship bc she don’t want to talk about it. Do you think there is still chance that she’ll get back to me?
    Should i not answer her calls on the 30days NC? Will i not lose her for doing that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:39 pm

      Hey there, so no you do not answer any calls or texts form your ex during your no contact, you ignore anything they send unless they say that they want to get back together. Anything else you ignore. You are not going to lose her for good you are going to show that you are accepting the break up and focusing on yourself in that time. Read about the Holy trinity and focus on yourself for some time

  2. Xavy

    February 6, 2020 at 1:38 am

    Dear Shaunna thanks for your reply regarding NC during a break. What do u suggest is a good amt of time? 21 days?? Do i need to tell him how long this NC will be? Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 6, 2020 at 9:46 pm

      Hey Xavy, do not tell him you are going into NC! Just vanish. And do a 30 days No Contact, there is no reason for you to be doing 21 days

  3. Xavy

    February 4, 2020 at 9:52 am

    Hi my bf and i have decided to take a break cos he needs space but during this time i got angry when he didnt reply me so he has suggested NC during the “take a break”. Do i also do NC by totally ignoring him even tho we are not really broken up yet?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 4, 2020 at 9:51 pm

      Hey Xavy, so if you are “on a break” rather than broken up I suggest that you NC for a set amount of time while you are apart so that you do not add pressure to the situation.

  4. Jennifer

    February 3, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    Hi. So this month was supposed to mark 4 years of knowing him and august was supposed to mark 2 years of dating. Since september he has been acting so weird and diatant and everytime I mention it to him that he has changed he gets angry and we have been fighting so much since. He decided to break up on Saturday because he ” is scared of himself ” and is scared to hurt me … how should I use no contact in this situation and is it possible that he may come around

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:15 pm

      Hey Jennifer, scared in what way… have you asked that question? Is he worried he will be unfaithful? You can do No Contact of 30 days and work on yourself in that time

  5. Kath

    February 3, 2020 at 4:52 pm

    Me and my boyfriend broke up late october. We had been together for four years, i have lived by his place the last three years. We had an fight were i wonder if he felt it better if I moved out. Then he Said yes. A week later i was out. ONLY thing keeping on my feets its mye work. I do not have any family hete. Planning to move closer to my family. But me and my ex have som much history togehter, struggling letting him go. He got me to feel complete. After a months og begging and crying i went no contact. Met him a couple of weeks ago. He told to me to text him if i wanted to meet him again. I am now in no- contact again. He has not reach out yet, but he said something about missing me.

  6. Confused

    February 3, 2020 at 2:21 am

    I had only been with my boyfriend for four months when he broke up with me over a misunderstanding. Throughout the short relationship he told me what he didn’t like about me like… the way I drove my car and when I would talk during a movie and I made him late… said I needed better time management skills. He also hung up on me a few times. He forgot my birthday too, which hurt my feelings. So what happened to make him stop speaking to me was a text I had sent based on a conversation we had earlier in the day about his passion for hunting and how he would never stop hunting no matter what and he had said all of this to me before. I had never said anything about his hunting so I didn’t know where this was coming from but the text that I sent said “I am not trying to stop you from hunting or change you in any way… I did think you would be different and include me in all parts of your life but it’s clear you don’t want that and that’s ok. I have been through this before.” I realize I probably should not have sent the message but with all the other things I just thought he should know how I felt. He sent a message back that said I hope you find the man you are looking for. Do not call or text me anymore. I have apologized because I never want to hurt anyone… he won’t speak to me at all. I just hate things ended so badly and even though they did… I want to hear something from him.. I don’t even know why. I am so hurt and confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 8:02 pm

      Hey there, so when someone makes you feel that you are not good enough we get addicted to finding ways to gain their approval. So if your ex is putting you down and telling you things that is wrong with you, you find that you are looking for for his praise and not getting anything in return it becomes a toxic relationship. While you are following No Contact, make sure that you take some time to realise your worth!

  7. Steph

    February 1, 2020 at 11:31 pm

    My boyfriend of six months broke up with me. He said he does not want to deal with my problems on top of his. I had been going through a very tough time mentally due to some work and school circumstances and was crying a lot. He is working 3 jobs and going back to school full time. He said he doesnt want to be in a relationship if he cant be in it 100% and that he feels like he needs to focus on himself and that I am not a priority. It hurt. I feel like he meant being in A relationship is not a priority. Im trying not to take it personally. He also said that he had tried but after a long day at work, texting or checking up on my was not his priority, and that he just wants to rest after work. It truly hurt me because before his schedule got so hectic and I was going through my stuff, he said itd be hard but we would try to make it through. I feel like it was bad timing on both ends and I am sad it ended and it feela so hopeless. He didnt hang up after breaking up. I feel like he waa maybe trying to be nice, asking me about my future plans and sharing his. He told me how hes going to be super busy in the summer. We also had a thing where i said breaking up is its over and he said yes thats it but he still wants to be able to check up on me and make sure Im ok. He also shared his personal mental struggles. Its been 3 weeks and i am truly overwhelmed and I dont know what to do. I still like him and feel like it was mostly bad timing ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 5, 2020 at 9:45 pm

      Hey Steph, look up the Ungettable girl posts from Chris and apply this to your life at this point. If you have drama work on getting yourself to a stable and emotionally controlled state. Then when your ex sees that you are sorting your life out you are going to make him think about getting himself sorted and also he will start respecting the work that you have put into bettering yourself during this time.

  8. Harley

    January 31, 2020 at 11:25 am

    My ex-bf broke up with me as he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship (which we were in, initiated by him actually). As we ought to bump into each other regularly we’ve been friendly albeit aloof. We had a bit of small talk (initiated by him then me after 2 weeks of NC) I reached via text saying i was still hurting (Although I don’t know if that was the right move). I haven’t texted or interacted with him since and I don’t know what the next steps are. I’d love him back but at the same time have the feeling that letting him go is the way forward. I don’t really know where to take it from here, I’m as confused as ever…

  9. MAJA

    January 30, 2020 at 7:53 am

    So after 4 months of not seeing each other, I decided to call him, he was friendly on the phone and he said everything that I wanted to say to him, I was surprised, he said that there was so much pressure in our relationship, and we were arguing a lot for the past few months so I broke up with him in order to settle things and calm down, and that hurt him and he blocked me on social media. I am so sorry because of that. I wanted to make a statement and it went bad. So I was glad that he picked up the phone when I called. He proposed to meet so we met on Saturday night to talk. It was firendly and nice, sometimes we would come to the break up subject and what went wrong and I tried to say that I am sorry about things, I did, but I think he is still a bit angry and insecure. I get that..we talked for about 4 hours. He walked me home and at the end he huged me, kissed me in the cheek and forehead and told me he needs peace and that I should try to finde peace too. He still isn’t sure what to do..we were together for 6 years, supposed to move in together and marry some day and had plenty cool moments and travels and adventures..we are so much a like. I haven’t contacted him for 5 days now because I don’t want to be desperate and what should I do? Will he forget me or find someone else? Why did he hug me if he is angry? He told me that he needs peace for himself and then he could do anything. He was asking himself what would be different this time if we get back together? I know in my heart that it would be different and better, I am willing to try to be the best woman there is for him, but don’t know how to make him see it. I texted him the other day after saturday that we met to thank him for the talk (5 days ago), he was ok and friendly but stil suspicious and I only said that sometimes you need to crash things in order for the new ones to be stronger and better. And he didn’t anwser back, I ended the texting converation..What should I do? What does this all mean? Will I ever have another chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:54 pm

      Hey Maja so the conversation was emotional so that is not ideal in this situation as you want him to think you are passed the break up and living your life, so I suggest that you take some time in a short NC of 21 days and then start posting on social media all the great things you are doing with your friends and possibly dating other guys. And then reach out to your ex with a casual text that Chris suggests to get his attention by sending a text with his interests in mind. Having these shorter conversations is going to get him wanting to talk to you more

  10. Harley

    January 29, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    My bf of less than a year has broken up saying he needed to focus on himself & that he didn’t think we wanted the same thing even if there were feelings involved. I thought best to give him space and went NC. He’s reached out in person doing small talk after 2 weeks, I did too (breaking NC, I know, it’s not great – it’s our first break up). Kept the conversation light hearted as I didn’t felt he wanted to address the elephant in the room and I didn’t want to push it. I’ve not texted at all since. I don’t know whether I’m being friend zoned, if leaving him some space was the best thing to do. I’ve got so many mixed signals I’m really confused and am struggling…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 31, 2020 at 11:34 pm

      Hey Harley what your ex did was tested to see if you are going to be civil and reply if he reaches out, if you want your ex back you need to work on yourself, look up the term Ungettable and keep to 30 days NC

  11. Julie

    January 26, 2020 at 9:42 am

    My boyfriend of 7 months wants a break because he isn’t sure if he loves me enough to move forward to the next step in our relationship (moving in together, getting married). I’m in my late twenties and he is in his early thirties, devorced for two years (a nasty one at that). He is confused and I think he has a little bit of fear of commitment. But I don’t know what to do except of the no contact rule.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 28, 2020 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Julie yes the no contact rule, along with working to become the ungettable girl so that you can show your ex what hes missing out on

  12. P

    January 25, 2020 at 9:36 pm

    We were together for 10+ years. Marriage came up here and there. I wanted to do the whole court thing along with saving up for the wedding of our dreams.
    4 or 5 years ago I ended the relationship because we were constantly hitting rock bottom financially. Not enough money for rent you name it we were flat broke. This was going on for better part of that year. I thought ending it at the time would be best for her because she deserved better.
    I knew I was the problem because I have “stuff” come out of my paychecks. I looked for a part time job and was unsuccessful It was difficult, but I persevered and continued looking during that rock bottom time period. In the meantime, I did majority of the household work/cooking because she has an extremely stressful job. It never bothered me doing it. Even to this day of doing them. I love doing it. I thought my way of showing affection and gratitude was to do everything else.
    Throughout the coming years we stayed “roomies” moved numerous times together and did everything together. But never spilt apart. Until a couple months ago things got beyond ugly. She said she wants to move on and start dating and do things. We got into a hard-core verbal fight no one was physically hurt. The reason why we got into the verbal fight because I thought we somehow rekindled things. We lacked communication in that part. I love her and thought she loved me, but she doesn’t, and she says and to this day she keeps saying the “ship has sailed”. The whole time she just saw us as friends, but I saw us more.
    Now present day. We share 3 dogs and share other things (all these things are under her name) I want to try what you suggest in your article, but I don’t know how because I come over and help with the dogs. I know she can have someone else help with the dogs, but she asked me and wanted me to still be a part of the dogs’ lives. I love the dogs. I can’t stop thinking about them. It is heart wrenching not being around them 24/7. We can’t separate the dogs we tried they’re inseparable. I constantly stay in contact with her for those reasons. Please help?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 30, 2020 at 10:10 pm

      Hey P, you are going to have to work on the situation so that you go to do no contact where you share your time with the dogs if you are not willing to be without them for the short term, but you do not HELP her with the dogs. If you are broken up then give her a break up. Stepping back and allowing her to see what life would be like with you not in it is essential. Work on yourself in that time, as much as you are going to miss her and the sharing the dogs this lifestyle can not continue for ever it is unfair to you. Then at the end of your No Contact, you can attempt to reach out with a text that Chris suggests and attempt to create a new relationship with her where it works because you have worked on yourselves in that time including financial.

  13. Shellz

    January 24, 2020 at 10:04 am

    My boyfriend, well ex, recently told me that he needed some space after I caught him cheating a few 5 days ago with a girl that he was in communication with for 5 months. I’ve been with this guy for 3years. A lot has gone down within those 3 years. His mom recently passed away last year from cancer and his lost his job a few months after. he kept mentioning how there was a new reality for him, like he saw things differently. He also mentioned how I wasnt there for him the way he needed me to be there during that time. The truth is I tried my best to be there for him the best way I knew how. I never I had to deal with something like this before so it was all brand new for me. He said that he also questioned my ability to make him happy long term. Now that i have a better understanding of what he needs, I just never got a chance to implement what I’ve learned. He told me that he grew feelings for the new girl and that his feelings are quite significant, whatever that means. I suggested counseling and therapy before but he’s not interested at the moment. I desperately tried to make it work even after the cheating but he just said that we need a little space. He said that he is focused on fixing his life (going back to school). Have I lost him forever? I feel like I did. Btw him requesting space just happened 2 days ago.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:25 pm

      Hey Shellz, so the fact he has told you he wants space… after he got caught cheating on you. I think you need to see this for what it is, a cop out for doing wrong. Keep to No Contact and read about the being there method.

  14. Gabby

    January 24, 2020 at 1:11 am

    My bf and I had been together almost two years when we broke up. It was very recent. I felt him detaching from me for a few weeks before I brought it up to him. Him feeling that way made me feel unwanted. When I told him this he told me he was unsure if he wanted to be with me. However, 6 weeks ago I found out through a friend that he was looking at engagement rings. Like what the hell happened? The break up started as mutual but in the following days I realized I wanted to be with him. I love him so much and we are best friends. I am in day 3 of the no contact rule and he texted me already but I haven’t responded. I don’t know what my chances are, but I am hoping and praying that he comes back to me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:21 pm

      Hey Gabby, so it is difficult to hear this but do not listen to what your friend said about the engagement because its not got any proof just words. Had you been falling out recently? Keep to your no contact, the fact hes reached out already is good it shows you are on his mind. Work on yourself to be Ungettable during your no contact