Without a doubt the number one question that I get every single day is,

Chris, do I have a chance to get my ex back?

And usually I have to give a variation of this answer,

“Well, that depends on a lot of different factors”

Of course, if you are trying to get an ex back that is the last thing that you want to hear. Instead, you want a clear cut answer. Heck, some people have literally harassed me until I gave them an exact percentage of their chances.

And usually I am really careful about NOT doing that because I am not a fortune teller…

No, trust me.

I am not!

But a few days ago someone asked me the inevitable question I am always asked,

How often do exes come back after a breakup?

And I got to thinking…

What if there was a way for me to combine my own independent research (I have had thousands of success stories) with the research of others to come up with an actual generalized percentage?

And that is how this article came into existence.

But coming up with a percentage isn’t going to easy since there isn’t a ton of research to go off of out there.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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How We Will Calculate Our Success Percentage

I am a big believer in proof.

Nothing annoys me more than someone making a claim without having proof to back it up.

That is especially true when it comes to calculating the percentage of exes who come back after a breakup.

So, I wanted to find a way to legitimize this calculation so I can give you as accurate a number as possible and I think I came up with a pretty awesome way to do it by looking at two data points.

  1. We are going to look at specific studies that came up with a percentage on exes who come back after a breakup
  2. We are also going to ask professional experts (relationship coaches, psychologists, therapists, etc) what percentage they are experiencing

Now, we are doing it this way to limit the outliers.

Something tells me that your chances of getting an ex back aren’t going to be 80% but if someone professional says that they are and it’s the only data point in the calculation then your chances are going to be significantly inflated.

I think that is a really short sighted way of looking at this.

Instead, we need to be looking at data points from all around and averaging them together so we can come up with an accurate number that seems realistic and that is what we are doing by going this route.

Ok, enough chit chat.

Let’s get right to it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Part One: What Scientific Studies Had To Say About Exes Coming Back After A Breakup

In this section we are going to be focusing on research studies that I happened to stumble across that gave a percentage calculation on exes coming back after a breakup.

In total I stumbled across 4 studies that I am trusting enough to cite.

Each study came up with an actual percentage.

So, here is how I am going to approach this.

I am going to cite each study, briefly give you my thoughts on it and then average the studies together to come up with one number.

Once I do that I am going to jump into the other section (experts) and repeat the same process.

Sound good?

Let’s begin!

Study #1: Poll Conducted By The Associated Press

If you are a pretty avid reader of Ex Boyfriend Recovery then this study might sound familiar to you because I quote it often.

In late 2015, The Associated Press conducted a poll where they asked 1,240 individuals all kinds of interesting questions about exes. Of course, one of those questions was,

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex after a breakup?

It turns out that 41% of the people being polled had said that they had.

(Source)

Now, I will say that this poll is a little flawed in the fact that the wording of the question doesn’t hit on the exact thing that you are wanting if you are reading this article.

You see, “The Associated Press” asked them if they have ever gotten back with an ex before.

In other words, in your lifetime have you ever gotten back with your ex.

It never specified specifics which is kind of what you want.

Nevertheless, this is a legitimate poll and it’s a great start to our little study here.

Study #1 Percentage: 41%

Study #2: Conducted By Dr. René Dailey of the University of Texas

In 2009 René Dailey thought it would be interesting to take a look at dating in college and she found that around 65% of college students who had broken up with their partners had eventually gotten back together again.

(source)

Now, I want to point out the huge discrepancy in percentages between study #1 and study #2. Why do you think that is?

Well, if I had to guess it’s because Dr Dailey only queried college students in her study whereas study #1 was much more generalized querying people of all ages.

I suppose the big take away from the discrepancy is that college aged students tend to go back to their exes at a higher rate than normal.

But we have only looked at two studies so I can’t say we have found “normal” yet.

Study #2 Percentage: 65%

Study #3: Study In (Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/Off Relationships and Sex With an Ex)

In 2012 A study conducted by S. Halpern-Meekin, W. D. Manning, P. C. Giordano and M. A. Longmore found that around 44% of men and women aged 17 – 24 were reported to have broken up and then gotten back together again.

(Source)

So, what can we learn from this study?

Well, the discrepancy between it and study #2 are apparent but I’d like to point out that this study focuses on a few extra ages that study #2 did not.

So far it appears that study #2 is an outlier as the other two studies have had significantly lower percentages.

However, I think there is something to that college ages thing that study #2 hones in on but lets take a look at our last study before we make an assumptions.

Study #3 Percentage: 44%

Study #4: Study Conducted Amber Vennum From Kansas State University

Now, before I dive into this one I want to say that this is probably the least accurate study of the four.

Why?

Well, because it only focuses on a subset of couples who have broken up.

According to a 2013 study conducted by Amber Vennum, an assistant professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University, about 37% of couples living together who had broken up had reported that they had gotten back together again.

(source)

I wish I could have found more accurate data for you guys for the fourth study.

I looked everywhere and read some of the most boring studies you can imagine but this was the best I could find so we are just going to have to make due!

Study #4 Percentage: 37%

Adding The Studies All Up

So, we looked at a total of four studies in part one.

Their percentages respectively came in at,

  1. 41%
  2. 65%
  3. 44%
  4. 37%

So, overall when you average those four percentages together you get,

46 Percent

Which honestly I think is a pretty solid number considering one of these studies only focused on couples who were living together which always presents it’s own set of unique problems.

Overall, when you look at these studies it seems like you have the best chance if you and your ex are in the college ages,

College Ages = 18-22

Study #2 found a significantly higher success rate when it only focused on couples within that age range.

So, it seems like that is the sweet spot to be.

But we are only looking at half the data here.

Lets move on and ask some experts!

Part Two: What Experts Had To Say About Exes Coming Back After A Breakup

I knew I wanted to get some actual experts take on percentages instead of just relying on studies.

After all, there is something impersonal about studies and sometimes you can learn a bit more by hearing from experts out there.

Overall I was able to bring together four experts to the table for you,

  1. A professional relationship consultant
  2. A sex therapist
  3. A psychic
  4. Marriage and family therapist

Now, one thing I learned very quickly is that experts are a lot like me in the fact that they look at things situation by situation. Sometimes it’s impossible to give an exact percentage when you look at things like that.

So, as I give you the expert take you will notice that I am going to be not counting some of their answers.

Why?

Well, some of them didn’t give percentages.

Overall though I think 3 out of the 4 gave us a percentage to work with!

Lets begin!

Expert Take #1: Chris Seiter (Professional Relationship Consultant)

Hey, that’s me!

Getting people back together is kind of my thing since it’s what I do for a living but putting an actual success percentage behind it is really difficult.

Why?

Well, sometimes people don’t tell me when they get their exes back.

Most people know me through my writing here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and they never get a chance to introduce themselves to me because they never leave comments.

So, knowing my exact success percentage is difficult to nail down.

What I can focus in on though are the people who I have worked with personally.

Off the top of my head I would say that 45% of those individuals have seen success in some way, shape or form.

However, I will say that, that number significantly increases for those people I work with that actually execute what I tell them to do.

I find that the majority of people who I work with don’t actually implement the things I tell them to and then I often get blamed when things don’t go how they were hoping.

Nevertheless, my number is probably somewhere around 45%.

Expert #1 Percentage: 45%

Expert #2: Sunny Rodgers (Certified Clinical Sexologist)

Sunny runs a pretty popular website and is a Certified Clinical Sexologist, a professional sex coach and an Ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association

I have to say that I found Sunny’s findings really fascinating.

Here is what she had to say,

“With a lot of my clients I find that Exes play a big part in their current lives, whether their in a new relationship or not. I’ve had clients seek tarot card readers and have worn Moonstone because they heard that that stone will help reunite lost loves. With my clients, I find that 20-25% do get back together with their Exes, usually within a few months. Some repeatedly break up just to keep passion and tension alive in their relationship. And for the 20-25% that do get back together, 50% of them will break up again permanently within six months. All of this is just what I’ve seen with the people that I’ve coached.”

The 20-25% success rate doesn’t shock me. What really interested me was her finding that half of them will stay together and half of them will breakup within six months.

Fascinating stuff!

Expert #2 Percentage: 25%

Expert #3: Davida Rappaport (Psychic, Entertainer, Speaker, Tarot Card Reader)

I figure you always need to have a psychic in the mix when you are doing these kinds of calculations so I asked Davida about her findings and she wrote a lot of really fascinating things for me,

“Many of my clients ask me if their Ex is coming back or what they should do if their Ex wants to come back. In some cases, they still love them and would welcome them back in a heartbeat, even if the relationship may have been abusive. Predicting if and when an Ex may return is somewhat unpredictable. Everything depends upon what their relationship was like prior to the breakup and what triggered the breakup. Here are a few possibilities you may want to consider:

1. If the relationship was very steamy – major chemistry and hot, hot, hot, there is a strong chance the Ex will want to come back; he will probably re-establish contact within a few weeks or a few months. When the chemistry is off the chart, even if there are problems in the relationship that were never dealt with, chemistry generally overrides logic. This type of comeback goes both ways. However, if the couple does not work on the relationship, they may break up and reunite more than once. If fact, they can keep doing this for years.

2. If the relationship was volatile (and ended the same way), I generally tell my clients it would not be a good idea to let their Exes back into their lives because their relationship was unhealthy and/or abusive. Because of the volatility of the personality, it is impossible to predict when their Ex will return. These types of Exes can come back within a month or as far out as a year later, if they are going to come back. I remind my clients they should not expect him to change his behavior – this will still be a volatile relationship. If they take him back, they may end up separating again because the relationship problems are still there.

3. If the relationship was a good one, and your breakup was due to your Ex relocating for a new job or accepting a transfer, why not call him to see how he is doing if he does not contact you after six months? You can always find out if he misses you. The best thing that could happen is he tells you he still loves you and misses you. Who knows, you might end up reconnecting and relocating to be with your former Ex.

4. If you broke up because your Ex suggested you both see other people, that is usually a sign that your Ex wanted out of the relationship. In this case, the chance of him wanting to come back is slim to none. You may never know the real reason why he wanted to break up, and I don’t recommend driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out. It usually has nothing to do with you. If at some point down the road he realizes how wonderful you are wants you to take him back, wouldn’t it be fantastic if you found someone better in the meantime? You could tell your Ex, “You blew it.”

5. If your breakup was because of family obligations (older parents or young children), this type of breakup usually does not lend itself to comebacks. Some Exes have a problem with familial obligations because they want things simple, easy and no drama. In this case, he probably won’t want to come back. That can be a good thing.

6. If your breakup was due to your Ex’s familial interference, more than likely, your Ex will not be making a comeback. Generally if you have an Ex whose parents always pull his strings, even if he wanted to come back, he will always choose his family over you.

7. I saved the most outrageous scenario for last. If your Ex is commitment phobic and broke up with you when you brought up the “C” word, there is a good chance he may turn up again under a future Retrograde Mercury. However, he may also leave again if he doesn’t want to commit. If you want to dismiss the Retrograde Mercury option, remember that a commitment phobic Ex may come back again at any time, and often does. However, if you mention the “C” word again, he will either break up again or become a ghost. Like a ghost, he may haunt you in some way…if you let him.”

See, aren’t her findings really fascinating?

The sense I got from them was that your chances are very situational.

So, with her I don’t think we can come up with an actual percentage but that is ok.

She just cut right to the heart of the matter which I am going to talk about in a second.

Expert #3 Percentage: N/A

Expert Take #4: Lisa Bahar (Marriage And Family Therapist)

And last but certainly not least we have Lisa Bahar a Marriage and Family Therapist!

Here is what she had to say about exes returning,

“Ex’s tend to return more often than not, it is the second question as to why, in many cases, there may be a sense of guilt, attachment, that they need to confirm that the ex is still receptive to them, wanting to seek control even though they are no longer committed, wanting to have attention. 

In other cases perhaps, the individual had time to reflect, explore his or her feelings about the breakup after a period of time and feels inclined to try and reach out and return.  Many times, there is rejection that the ex was not expecting, and returns to one who they feel will be more open and receptive.”

Exes tend to return more often than not…

How do we quantify those words into a percentage?

I wouldn’t ever try to speak for Lisa but it is my understanding that more often than not means more than 50%. So, using that logic 51% would be more often than not and I would like to use that as Lisa’s number.

Why?

Well, I wanted to mimic our research findings with the studies above as closely as possible and 51% is the closest number we can use.

Expert #4 Percentage: 51%

What Percentage Chance Of Getting Your Ex Back That You Actually Have

And now we come to the grand finale.

This is the moment we have all been waiting for as I add everything up and give you one specific number as to what your chances with your ex are.

First things first, I’d like to remind you what the studies number was in case you had forgotten.

  • Studies Found That 46% Of Exes Will Come Back After A Breakup

Ok, now before I give you the final number let’s add up all of the experts opinions.

In total we have four experts who gave us opinions on what percentage of exes came back,

  1. 45%
  2. 25%
  3. N/A
  4. 51%

I am just going to void the N/A and not count it in the average.

So, when I tally it all up we get,

  • Experts Say 40% Of Exes Come Back After a Breakup

So, experts are definitely a bit lower than studies but that doesn’t really matter since we still need to average everything together.

Are you ready?

Drumroll please!

….

…..

…..

…..

……

According to my research there is a 43% Chance That Your Ex Will Come Back After A Breakup

But I personally think that you can move that number up if you know what you are doing.

How many of the men and women in these calculations actually knew what they were doing?

The answer = not many of them.

Just saying!

What to Read Next

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124 thoughts on “How Often Do Exes Come Back After A Breakup?”

  1. Avatar

    Bec

    August 20, 2020 at 4:28 pm

    Hi team,
    I was dating a guy for 6 months and we have been broken for 6 days and I am on day 2 of NC today. He said that he wanted to work on himself and he needed to be alone. There is no other girl or anything like that. What do you think the chances are of us getting back together? We had the best connection no signs he would break up with me at all so it came as a shock. Just wondered your advice. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 27, 2020 at 1:35 pm

      Hey Bec, there isn’t much information to go on where you broke up because he wanted to work on himself. Give him the time to do that while you work on this program and you can get him back, giving that your relationship was healthy and happy most of the time

  2. Avatar

    Diane

    August 18, 2020 at 3:52 pm

    Hi, my husband and I have been together for nearly 9 years (since we were 21). We recently lost a baby through miscarriage and he has since ended things and says he isn’t happy and can’t take it anymore despite this he is also saying he doesn’t really want this and is an emotional wreck when he was ending it. He is now Stonewalling me and has totally shut me out. This is all only two weeks after losing the baby. We also went on a trip away to clear our heads and we had a nice time despite him voicing that he was feeling overwhelmed and felt unhappy he then said the opposite when we were on route home. I am so confused he has done this before and has always come back but I don’t know how to deal with it and don’t want to lose him.
    D

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 9:12 pm

      Hi Dian,e it is really hard situation to deal with when we lose a baby, as a woman we go through the grief understandable because it is our bodies. Sometimes there is a stigma about the dad grieving the loss of their baby. It is hard to understand but I think he is grieving at the moment. I would suggest that you stick with a limited no contact, this is where you would only speak to him if there is a shared responsibility in some way. Otherwise its NC and let him have some space. Reach out after 30 days

  3. Avatar

    Elisha

    August 6, 2020 at 5:00 am

    Hi team, I was seeing a guy everyday for 4 weeks straight. Everything seemed amazing! He had some flaws but never made a deal out of them but did pull him up a couple of times for being on his phone at meals of watching movies. He considered this as challenging him. Also, his best friend was a girl ( no issue) but when asked if they ever had any sexual relations due to social media comments he got extremely defensive and cut me off. I asked if he would like to catch up for a face to face chat but said no he does not and does not wish to talk to me anymore. We sent a few heated msgs and iv sent an apology msg for questioning his honesty. What’s the chances of him Coming back if I do NC since it’s only been a 4 week relationship?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 11:22 pm

      Hey Elisha, yes its possible but you need to follow a 21 day NC and work on yourself in that time, make sure that you do not social media stalk him etc. Just spend these three weeks all about you

  4. Avatar

    Heidi

    August 3, 2020 at 3:01 pm

    I was seeing a guy from end of April until June. We connected more than my previous long-term relationships and we always had so much fun together. Our chemistry was through the roof and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We were spending days at a time together and in retrospect I wonder if that was too much too soon. Anyway, he would always be the one to initiate hanging out, talked about me meeting his family and future trips together. Then out of the blue, he said he was overwhelmed with preparing for an exam in addition to work. I was blindsided but said I understood and hope to cross paths in the future. He appreciated my kind words and understanding. Since he left I feel that he needs to be the one to reach out. But I’m worried he’ll forget me and has already met someone else. I have been NC for a little under 2 months. Do you think he’ll eventually come back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 6:15 pm

      Hi Heidi, in this program we strongly suggest that you would reach out to your ex first to break the ice with you ex and re start your connection. Read some texting articles on this website about how to reach out to your ex after a no contact is over

  5. Avatar

    Brett

    July 18, 2020 at 1:31 pm

    Me and my ex gf dated for about 5 months, during the relationship I kept abit of a wall up and wasn’t 100 percent the best the whole time, because she had certain baggage and a daughter that I didn’t know if I was ready for. We had broken up 2-3 times but never much longer then a day, then in April broke up and 2 weeks later started hanging out and working on things. Towards the end of May we went to a party and she got drunk and we got in a fight, which the day after I didn’t really forgive her, so then she was like we just won’t ever get back together. Then a couple more days go by and she gets with the much older man she was telling me not to worry about, that she had dated last year. Right now we barely talk and she doesn’t see me because of him, and when we first broke up and even for a few weeks she came off as very hot and cold, one day FaceTiming me and sending me a pic of her trying some workout leggings on that she ordered while we were together to another day completely kicking me out of her life and telling me to move on. So I’m just wondering how permanent it could be and how serious she could be about this guy, before our major split she would only trash his name when he was brought up because during the month of May while we were working on things but not together she was being his friend, and getting on his boat, which seems is all she does now. When we first broke up she said I was using her as a test relationship and not being a partner which I understand but it’s because I had a wall up, quarantine was a major thing, and she was stuck at her parents, so I couldn’t exactly be a partner, now I’m just trying to grow up and prove to her that I can be. We are both 27.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 1:28 pm

      Hey Brett, I think if you take action to show you are growing up and doing the things you spoke of doing with her, but on your own she is going to see this. I would also suggest that you go into a 45 day No Contact and let her think you are done. Even when shes sends you photos of her in leggings… ignore. Read about the being there method, and make sure you read some articles too about how to get your ex back. The ex girlfriend recovery website has some great articles there if you wanted to pop over to that and use that information too.

  6. Avatar

    Can

    July 4, 2020 at 5:29 am

    My ex and I recently breakup after a big fight. He said that my words are very harsh and he just isn’t willing to forgive me this time. We broken up a time or two before, but he always came back. It seems very different this time because he’s blocked me from everything and he wouldn’t return my calls before he blocked me. I did ask him via text if he was completely done and he never would answer the question. Also, one of his last messages said that we could try again next year but for now, he was completely done. I did respond and say some mean things and also said that he can’t keep playing with my emotions by coming in and out of my life and we should just let go. I really love him, but what are the chances of me hearing from him again. And us making it work?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 2, 2020 at 7:04 pm

      Hey Can, the chances really depend on if you are willing to do the work on yourself so that you can show your ex that you have made positive changes to yourself while allowing him a chance to miss you and think about your good times together he will be more interested in speaking to you at the end of your NC

  7. Avatar

    Rachel Quaternik

    July 2, 2020 at 12:20 am

    Hi,
    I was with my ex only a few months, but we connected more than I did with my previous 8 year relationship. By day 5 he cried and told me he loved me, We already were talking about marriage and kids, I am older than him, I’m 29 and he’s 24. Maybe it’s maturity level? He told me he wasn’t ready, that we wanted different lifestyles and he didn’t want to pursue this any longer. I had just met his family the week prior, afterwards he was so happy they approved and he knew that was a sign for us to pursue on with our future. Then out of the blue a few days later. The call came, that he wanted to end things. I’m heartbroken , I haven’t spoke to him since and I just feel so broken. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 2, 2020 at 4:55 pm

      Hey Rachel work on yourself during your No Contact and reach out at the end of 30 days No Contact

  8. Avatar

    S

    June 18, 2020 at 1:19 am

    my ex and I were only theft when 5 almost 6 months…. we broke up for a few days after a month of dating but shortly got back together and then found out I was pregnant. We broke up May 27th and he moved out June 6th, I found out he got into a new relationship June 11th, I have initiated no contact for the time being, but I just didn’t know if there is any chance or getting him back at all, his mom isn’t a huge fan of me but the rest of his family loves me ….

  9. Avatar

    Meghna

    June 5, 2020 at 8:17 am

    Hey, I am Meghna my ex broke up with me last week of March say that he doesn’t feel like it any more. We have been in an on again off again relationship for last 2.5 years he broke up twice during the duration but during this period he was very serious about it and confessed his feelings to me which he never did before. He even used to talk to me about our future and everything. Then suddenly he started ignoring me from around mid of March and finally broke up in the last days of the month. I was really hurt and emotional and i actually kinda begged and cried in front of him and pestered him but i have been practicing NC for last 15 days now. In between he called me once to know the whereabouts but then started ignoring again. He also got on tinder and is talking around and meeting up random girls. I really really love him and i want him back. What should i do as he is ignoring me time and again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 7, 2020 at 12:31 pm

      Hey Meghna you need to restart your No Contact from the day of that phone call and stick to it. You don’t answer any phone calls from him regardless of what he wants unless it was to get back together – to which you ignore calls until he texts explaining to you he wants to get back. With you saying you are an on and off again relationship I would suggest that you look at the patterns in which you break up. There must be a reason you are not working and always end the relationship. It isnt going to be an issue getting him back it seem, the issue is making your relationship last long term. Work on your Holy Trinity and being Ungettable and assess your previous relationship with him and see what goes wrong each time you ended.

  10. Avatar

    Jacob

    May 31, 2020 at 12:27 pm

    Hi, I’m jake. My ex recently broke up with me due to some personal trauma she had experienced and wants to process it before she continues a relationship. Am I just screwed? Or is it possible to get her back? I love her a lot and like her as a person.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 1, 2020 at 11:56 pm

      Hi Jake, I suggest that you start with your No Contact and give her some space and then reach out at the end of your Nc with a text that chris suggests

  11. Avatar

    Brandy

    May 26, 2020 at 8:12 am

    My ex and I were together for a year and a half. We both are previously divorced and have children of our own and have taken it slowly. He brought up the idea of moving forward with our relationship a couple weeks ago… that he wanted to start doing things together. I don’t know that I necessarily disregarded it. I just didn’t immediately act on it. Obviously there’s a lot going on in the world and I’ve been a bit scattered. He seemed fine up until 4 days ago. He talked about what kind of cupcakes he wanted me to make him for his birthday in July. He talked about us going to a theme park when things start to reopen. We were intimate. So it really caught me off guard to get broken up, by text mind you. He said he’d been thinking about it for a while… that he wanted to be able to spend more time together and such and he didn’t think I was ready. (Mind you, he’s never even offered to let me meet his children. Lived with ex wife until recently. The list goes on). I immediately went into fix it mode. I’m like ok, let’s do this. Let’s work this out. But he had already made up his mind. He told me loved me and that he was holding back tears… but that he needed to do this. I was blindsided. I never knew he was unhappy or unfulfilled until it was too late. I do love him and care for him and want him back. I’ve been in no contact since. I guess I just need some wise words.

  12. Avatar

    Janice

    May 12, 2020 at 9:09 am

    My ex broke up with me first time due to codependence. Told me he was unhappy, didn’t see a future and didn’t love me anymore. I worked on myself. During no contact, he realised he still loved me and 3 months later, he came back.

    However, 6 months later, we broke up again yesterday. During the time 2 weeks prior to COVID-19 lockdown start, we had been arguing a lot under the same roof and we did for the past 3 months. I kept over-communicating my needs, I tried to push through us fixing issues together & he kept neglecting me due to university work. This led him to think we are not meant for each other as he is unhappy. Again, he said he doesn’t love me anymore. We did 1 session of couples therapy yesterday before the breakup. I wanted to make it work and he said he wants closure and out the relationship.

    I am going to move out by the end of this month, but I am torn. He said he will most likely not come back this time and he is sure this time that he is done. I believe we can still work things out and that we are endgame. Are there still any chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 10:59 am

      Hi Janice, one thing to keep in mind right now he thinks that he is done so is going to tell you those things. You need to stop having this conversation with your ex at this time because it isnt going to help either of you. You need to stick with the NC like you did last time, focusing on yourself and be sure that you work up the value chain. I would suggest that you learn how to communicate in relationships too just to help you when you next get into a relationship how to express yourself without things turning into an argument

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    Jeff Stevens

    May 6, 2020 at 1:03 pm

    Hello. My ex and I dated for 15 months. Almost the entire relationship was peaceful and amazing. No conflict, no drama at all. But in the last two months of it we were unable to see each other regularly, and almost not at all, due to factors beyond our control: schedule conflicts, sickness, etc. Distance naturally crept in and she began to fear my feelings had shifted despite my continued reassurance they hadn’t. She had a history of abandonment in previous relationships which I know added to her fears. During this same time, I had a friend die unexpectedly, a close relative also died, and I received some other bad news regarding another longtime friend. All of these events happening so closely together caused me to withdraw emotionally from everyone as I processed them. Again, my ex took this personally and thought I was checking out on her and she withdrew in self-defense, and again despite me communicating to her my real feelings. My own feelings became hurt as she wasn’t there during this difficult time for me. We suddenly ended up broken up. We remained in contact, and both of us made it clear we still loved each other and did not want to be apart, but we remained broken up. She became more and more guarded as time went on, but also was still grieving the loss of our relationship. Finally, a few months later, I convinced her to meet with me to discuss reconciling and we did decide to give that a try. Over the course of a few months, we made a few efforts that again were hampered by external factors, but more so by me being extra cautious and taking things slowly. This caused her to feel like I wasn’t fully committed and that I had one foot out the door, which wasn’t the case at all. This misunderstanding led to hurt feelings and frustrations and suddenly she began to retract again and our communication trickled to nothing despite both of us still professing love for each other and a desire to be together and unhappiness with being apart. I decided to give her some space because I didn’t like feeling as though I was hurting her. Regrettably, I went 2 1/2 months without contacting her, by far the longest we’d ever gone. During that time I continued to miss her every day. I did a lot of soul searching, realized mistakes I had made, and came up with action plans as to how I could correct them. And most of all, I realized I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I finally reached out via text in hopes of telling her all of this, but was ignored. I sent some follow up messages and finally received a response, “Please stop texting me, I’m in a relationship. This is inappropriate. Take care.” I was devastated and in disbelief. Over the next few weeks we ended up communicating a few times on the phone and in person, and she continually insisted she had moved on and was happy now. Three times, we had what I thought were final conversations, but each time she would end up reaching back out to either talk more about it, or just to say hey. But ultimately she has held to her story that she has moved on although she says she misses our friendship and that she is not in a serious relationship, but rather one that is moving very slowly. I’ve done all I know to do and I’m sure I made the typical mistakes in the process, but I just can’t believe this is how it ends or that she really wants this herself. Maybe I’m in denial, but I feel she is only protecting herself and fearing being hurt again. In fact, others close to the situation say she isn’t even seeing anyone right now. And I can’t comprehend how quickly and dramatically her feelings changed in less than a couple of months. I’m 5 days in to no contact and lose more hope with each passing day. I can’t help but feel like our previous extended time of no contact is what led to the current situation, especially since she told me that my recent efforts would’ve worked had I made them a couple of months ago. I’m not sure what to do at this point and obviously don’t want to do anything that would make things worse or leave us farther apart. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 2:46 pm

      Hi Jeff, happy to help with ex girlfriends too so don’t worry 🙂

      I would suggest that you do a 45 NC where you ex can feel the loss of you because at the moment I would say that she has the impression she could get you back if she wanted. This changes that, and then you need to work on understanding how the being there method works, and implement that at the end of your NC

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    Jeff Haggard

    April 28, 2020 at 12:14 am

    I have been with my current wife for 12 years- married for 4- i was a complete jerk and didn’t ever trust her. In my heart I know she never did anything to ruin the marriage, she gave me the opportunity for a break and I completely ruined it. I did not start looking into how to act or what to do to fix it until it was to late. We have 2 children together, daughter 11 and son 6. Today she told the kids we are getting a divorce and she constantly tells me she doesnt want to talk because she is angry at me, please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 1, 2020 at 9:51 pm

      Hi Jeff, I would suggest that you allow her some time to calm from being angry / upset with you and the situation. So stop asking her for another chance and follow the rules of a limited No Contact, where you would only speak to her about the children, this means their health and visitation. By the sounds of things you need to also work on your insecurities as this causing the issue in your marriage. Look for a local couples therapist too, it can help you understand why you feel the way you do

  15. Avatar

    Isabel

    April 13, 2020 at 12:51 am

    Hello!
    So my ex and I broke up about a month ago over a really stupid fight. We had been dating officially for a year and a half but dated on and off for 3 years. We had a pretty good relationship with some arguments here and there. He broke up with me because he said he didn’t think our personalities were good together but this was only after our fight. The day before we had been perfectly fine and there was never an indication to me he was unhappy. He said he needed time to fix himself but to me it just sounds like an excuse. He had used this excuse before once, but he changed his mind and we continued our relationship. He’s always been confused about it His life in general.
    He told me to move on and live my life. After our breakup we continued talking for about two weeks, it was mostly me reaching out, but he would be very flirty. We hooked up twice during that time. He would still tell me he loved me but he said he didn’t love me as much as before which hurt a lot. Whenever I would mention moving on, he would get upset at me. He also got a tinder and started talking to random girls. When I told him I’d do the same he got annoyed. I feel like he’s playing me, I don’t know know why he’s being like this. He was always good to me during our relationship and we got along fine, now he’s acting like such an ass I don’t understand. I stopped talking to him on Thursday, I told him I couldn’t wait forever for him to make up his mind and he was crying. Despite the way he’s acting, I still love him very much and it’s hard for me to let go. Should I continue not talking to him? Should I completely move on? I don’t know what to do, especially during this quarantine, it’s hard to distract myself. Please help! Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 22, 2020 at 12:52 am

      Hi Isabel you need to complete 30 days NC and then start the texting phase, during your NC you need to be focused on your holy trinity

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    Nellie Hayes

    April 7, 2020 at 11:32 pm

    Hey there! My relationship just ended. We’ve been together almost two years. We decided to move out of state together. He moved Jan 1st, and I moved about a month later. We had been arguing nonstop since I moved. We’ve been pretty on and off until this past Saturday, when he finally kicked me out and I drove 16 hours home. Things were very hot and cold, on and off, and I’ve started no contact. I’m 3 days in. How often can you get an ex back after a nasty breakup?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 10, 2020 at 12:32 am

      Hi Nellie it starts with a 45 day NC and you working on yourself int hat time, look up the information to become Ungettable and I would also look at the reasons that the relationship wasnt working, what was causing the break ups

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    Jules

    April 5, 2020 at 10:35 pm

    My now ex boyfriend and I have broke up I discovered 3 months in our amazing relationship he has a substance addiction I left knowing I still love him and I feel guilty for leaving in regards to him not getting help we are now in a difficult time with this growing coronavirus and having no help for him he chose the wrong path he had been lying and perhaps cheating I don’t know for certain but he has blocked me and I cannot reach out or afraid of rejection . I have read the examples listed in your article and mine doesn’t quite match but my question is will I ever hear from him again ? A question I seek

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 7, 2020 at 11:27 pm

      Hi Jules its not possible for me to tell you, that you will definitely hear from him again. I would say that if you work the Ungettable girl information and apply this to your life adn use social media how great you are doing it is more likely they will want to talk to you again. We suggest that you reach out to your ex after 30 days of No Contact

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    Marie

    March 27, 2020 at 10:24 pm

    Hi Chris,

    So I was together with my ex for more than half a year, then i made him like a second choice and start going out with other guys. When he found out, he was heartbroken and ask for break up. I really regret what I did and I begged and pleaded him to stay because everytime I ask if he still loves me he said ‘yes but it won’t work’. We were on and off until 6 months, I can see his attitude changes in time (less interested), until he got a new job (which is further from me 3 hours drive). Then he started to ask advice from his new friends there, and they said we were toxic.

    He left me again and said he needed to be firm this time and he doesn’t see a hope in us because everyone says so. And he said he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

    Since our break up, I didn’t contact him for 1 week, then i said i miss him. Then he blocked me again ( the first one after the breakup), then when i do another 1 week no contact and ask if we can meet up at his house he only replied no.

    Now I’m doing NC again and it has been 3 weeks, but I can see from his spotify list that he has already moved on because he no longers hear to sad songs. I’m afraid that I will reach 66 days of habit rule. What should I do? Should I contact him after 45 days? (Which is 20 april since the day i last ask if we could meet up). Please answer.

    Our age is both 24. And due to this corona issue, I’m very worried about him. (Some people said he got a new gf but I don’t know the validity in that).

    What should i do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Marie, so yes you reach out when you get to 45 days of NC and if he has someone else in his life you need to read about the being there method too. Make sure you plan your texts in the mean time so that you can plan for all outcomes, and also make sure that you are ending the conversation first.

  19. Avatar

    Sean

    March 14, 2020 at 8:40 am

    I’m not sure if my situation is unique or not. My fiance and I were together for 5 1/2 years. For the last 2 years of our relationship we had grown distant and were more or less living as roommates. Not necessarily because anything bad had happened, but that was just the routine we’d slipped into.
    About a month ago I discovered my ex was having an online affair with her best friend and her best friend’s husband and had been making plans to join them in a poly relationship. I confronted her. She claims it never became physical. We originally agreed to try to fix things but within 5 days she had changed her mind and ended our relationship. She’s moved out and now lives with her father. She claims that everything that was going on with this couple has stopped and she is not currently seeing them as they are having their own family issues that they are trying to work on. So, they’ve effectively put everything on hold. She also claims that they told her that she needs to take time to figure out what she wants out of life and not just jump into another relationship.
    Her and I are still in contact as we have shared responsibilities to deal with (not kids). When she ended things she did say she wanted to try to build a friendship with me and “who knows, maybe even date again eventually”. I initially made the mistakes of trying to stay in contact and change her mind, etc. and her reception was very cold. I have now instituted no contact. I’m only a few days in so we’ll see how it goes. But I have to wonder if there is even a chance here.

  20. Avatar

    Anonymous

    February 16, 2020 at 8:24 am

    hi..i am in relationship for 8 months and our relationship is an intercaste one …i live in a place where caste is really important and i dont know what to do …my boyfriend is a commitment phobic since his family wont approve me…and we both are studying in the same college …we have broken up for several times and i apply no contact rule and he come back within 1 week…but we again broke up on this feb 14 ,2020…due to a fight and he said “this time i wont come back “.i never begged …he said “take time to heal” but i want him…will he come back again like …the past or move on…i need help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2020 at 8:58 am

      Hey there, so ignore the family issues for a moment, and notice that when you go into no contact he is back within a week. But what the reason things are not working out is that you are both the same people, you need to start working on yourself so that you can grow as a person, and if he is not going to commit to you and use his family as an excuse then you need to start casually dating other people in school. Of course, this should make him jealous and he will either commit to you properly or he’ll show you he is not interested in a long term relationship.

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