“Why is he such a jerk?”
I can’t tell you how many times women have told this to me when talking about their ex boyfriends.
I would say a good 90% of the readers of this site want their ex boyfriends back. So, automatically that means that every little thing that an ex boyfriend does is going to be dissected and taken personally. If he does something good that will benefit you it is likely that your heart is going to race with excitement. Of course, if he does something mean or “jerk-like” your heart will start breaking apart and you will almost slip into this mini depression where food loses its taste and things that normally get your excited don’t seem to do it for you anymore.
As I am sure you have already noticed. This guide is all about the jerks out there.
In other words, if an ex boyfriend is acting like a jerk this guide is going to attempt to explain why.
How is it going to do that? Well, once again I am going to attempt to expand your knowledge on the male mind and dive into the reasoning behind these jerk-like acts that your ex boyfriend keeps engaging in.
What Actions Qualify A Man For Being A Jerk?
Relationships are so complex and interesting if you really think about them.
You have two people of the opposite sex. Each has their own unique ideas about how to approach life. Each has their own idea of how a relationship is supposed to work. Yet, neither person can truly control the other person.
So, lets say for a moment that you and your ex boyfriend get back together. You are in a relationship and are quite happy. You have your own ideas on how your ex/new boyfriend is supposed to treat you and he has his own ideas about how you are supposed to treat him. The only problem is that neither of your ideas on how to treat each other match up. If you sprinkle in the fact that neither or you can truly control each other all sorts of wacky things can start to happen.
This is essentially one view of a relationship between a man and a woman.
You have to admit that it is a little comical but I feel there is a hint of truth to this view when it comes to jerk behavior.
No matter what, no two human beings are going to think exactly alike. Sure, maybe two people can think very similarly but no one is going to think exactly 100% of what another human being is thinking. If we accept this view, isn’t it possible that what you consider to be “jerk behavior” your ex boyfriend does not?
We all have our individual views on how relationships should be treated but these individual views can sometimes make it hard to pin down exactly what a jerk is.
So, this leaves us with the ultimate question,
How can we determine what a jerk is if men and women view them differently?
In this case it is probably best to view a jerk by looking at what society collectively considers to be a jerk this way both views are taken into account (both men and women.)
Societal jerk-like behavior includes things like cheating, saying hurtful things (that are uncalled for) and overreacting over ridiculous things.
Of course, this guide is unique in and of itself because it is not studying men as a whole. Instead, it is studying only a certain segment of men, the ex boyfriend.
Luckily, I am a man and I have also been an ex boyfriend who remembers almost all of the thoughts that went through my head during my past relationships. So, I can literally give you an entirely unique perspective at why I acted like a jerk in my relationships (which if I am being honest… I was one.)
Now, I can’t give you all the gory details of my past because I have no interest in slandering an ex on the web. However, what I can give you access to is all of the thoughts that went through my head which is really want you want anyways, right?
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The Behaviors Of An Ex Boyfriend Jerk
“He used to be so sweet to me… what happened to him?”
It is a thought that runs through every woman whose ex boyfriend has just been a jerk to her.
Understanding why an ex boyfriend is a jerk is not generally an easy thing to grasp. Doing so requires you to take a trip into the mind of a man and that is not always a fun place to be. However, I have decided to take the issue head on by listing all the “jerk” behaviors I can think of and explaining the actual thoughts that men have when they do them.
Lets start with a common one for ex boyfriends, causing unnecessary fights after the breakup.
First Jerk Behavior- Causing Fights After A Breakup
I wanted to start off with this behavior because it is likely that this is something you have experienced for yourself.
When I say “causing fights after a breakup” am I just talking about the normal fight that may occur during the breakup talk?
No…
This is something different.
Imagine for a moment that you and I dated and broke up. Of course, you being the amazing person that you are you offer to remain friends with me and I angrily decline your offer. Every time you attempt to talk to me I say something that sets you off and then you say something in return that really sets me off and before you know it we are both having a full fledged argument. This little “argument dance” occurs every single time we talk or attempt to talk after the breakup.
What is going on here?
What causes a man to react this way after a breakup?
Furthermore, have I personally ever experienced anything like this before?
Did you find yourself wondering why I chose that fake example above? You know, the one where you and I dated and we both argued every time we talked after a breakup. Well, truthfully this is an example from my own life.
I once reacted like this after a breakup and I am about to lay some shocking knowledge down for you.
At the time a lot was going through my head. It has been about five years since that particular incident has occurred so I have had a lot of time to reflect on exactly what I was feeling.
The truth was that it all boiled down to maturity or a lack of it. Instead of handling the situation like an adult should I decided to “become the victim” and create a fight every time I would talk to my ex. For some reason fighting gave me this sense of control.
I had lost control of the relationship and viewed myself as a failure. Even now when I look back at some of the mistakes I made I cringe and I feel like I was a completely different person. I think at the time I even knew that. So, instead of manning up and admitting my own shortcomings as a boyfriend I decided to take the cowards approach and give myself a way to become the “victim” when I really didn’t feel like one.
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Looking back it was a really rotten and insecure thing to do but I actually don’t regret the experience. Sure, I was definitely in the wrong with how I acted during the breakup but it allowed me to truly be honest with myself and make some major changes in my life.
Second Jerk Behavior- Other Women During And After A Relationship
There is a lot to talk about here.
I actually love talking about this particular type of behavior because it is going to really address one of your greatest fears, having your ex look at other women or go on the rebound after your relationship.
So, what exactly am I talking about with this jerk like behavior?
Well, during your relationship with your ex boyfriend were you constantly catching him check out other women? After your breakup is he constantly talking to other women or perhaps even dating them?
Many women will rally by your side if your ex does this and label him a jerk but I am not so sure that is the case.
Wait, WHAT?
Yes, you heard me I don’t think your ex is a jerk if he was casually looking at other women during your relationship.
The first thing I want to tackle here is that there is a difference between looking at other women casually and looking at them and aggressively pursuing them.
Chick flick movies have created this perception that a guy has to be faithful to only one girl and “being faithful” requires him to not even notice other women. While this may make relationships a lot easier (and put me out of a job) real life is different.
Every boyfriend you have will hopefully have two eyes and he can’t help but notice the beautiful new intern. Heck, he may even fantasize about her. This is a normal thing for men.
Take me for example.
One of the things that I am most proud of about myself is the fact that I am loyal to a fault. You show me the most loyal boyfriend on earth and I bet I am more loyal than him in a relationship. However, I am a human male and I am not afraid to admit that I look at other women when I am in a relationship. I can’t help it. Heck, if a beautiful woman came up to talk to me while I was in a relationship I wouldn’t shoo her away. No, I would talk to her and be friendly. If this beautiful woman were to hit on me I would feel very flattered and maybe even blush a little bit. However, if this very same beautiful woman wanted to hang out and her intentions were obviously “date like” I would have the will power to turn her down because I would be dating someone and that part of me would be reserved for them.
Deciphering if a boyfriend or ex boyfriend is a jerk will require you to study how they approach this very situation.
If a beautiful woman is literally throwing herself at your boyfriend would he have the will power to put a stop to it?
A non-jerk would have more than enough will power.
A jerk would not.
Furthermore, a man who is a jerk might even pursue a beautiful woman if shes not throwing herself at him. Why would he do that?
Maybe he needs to stroke his ego and prove he still has “game.”
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Either way, he has just ventured into jerk territory.
Third Jerk Behavior- Other Women After Your Relationship Ends
It’s like a nightmare.
You and your ex have just broken up and now he is off talking to ten other girls at the same time. Sure, you are incredibly angry with the breakup and you have called him every mean name you can think of in your head but should he really be considered a jerk?
This is an interesting question because technically right now you and your ex boyfriend are broken up. He doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe him anything. So, does it make him a jerk if he talks to other girls after the two of you aren’t together anymore?
I don’t think it does because technically he isn’t doing anything wrong. The two of you are broken up remember?
However, there is a way that a man can be a jerk when it comes to other women after your relationship ends.
You found this website so I am just going to assume that you are interested in your ex boyfriend in some way shape or form. Now, I want you to imagine for a moment that after your breakup your ex boyfriend starts meeting and talking to all these other beautiful women. In fact, it starts getting so ridiculous that you have a sneaking suspicion that he is talking to these other women as a way to upset you. Essentially he is flaunting his interactions with the other girls at you as a way to get a rise out of you.
If your ex boyfriend is doing this then he is being a total jerk.
Now, this brings up an interesting question.
If your ex boyfriend is flaunting other women at you as a way to “stick it to you” did his time with you mean anything to him?
I promise you it did.
I know that may be shocking to you when his actions seem to say otherwise but lets take a moment and look at things from his perspective.
No matter how toxic the relationship a breakup usually hurts both parties involved in some way shape or form.
I can tell you that a guy is going to usually react in many different ways to a breakup. I would like to study two of those ways right now.
First Way- He Will Become Very Depressed
For some reason when I picture this breakup outcome in my head I am picturing something like this:
Essentially an ex boyfriend who reacts this way will think the world has ended and not do anything to improve his situation. This type of breakup reaction from an ex boyfriend usually means the chances of him wanting you back is going to be increase because lets be honest…. a guy that looks like the one in the picture above is not going to get a girl of your caliber.
Now, I don’t know your situation personally but if you are reading this particular section on this page then something tells me your boyfriend is not acting like this.
No, he is probably acting like this:
Second Way- Filling The Void With Other Girls
We have already established that breakups hurt.
One reaction that men have to breakups is the fact that they look to fill the pain by talking to other people, other women in particular.
I remember after one of my breakups I actually looked for other girls to talk to. Now, I am a really nice guy so I didn’t look to date any of these girls because I knew it would be for the wrong reasons. However, I knew that if I got some type of interaction with the opposite sex and just got this feeling of being wanted by them it would make me feel better.
Why do you think I did this?
Well, nothing says “I don’t want you/like you/care for you anymore” like a breakup does. So, since I felt really down I started looking for other sources outside of my own internal circle to tell me that they liked me and cared for me.
I am not saying it is morally right but I figure if I opened up and told you a little about my experience it might make a few light bulbs go off for your situation.
Now, one thing that may have set me apart from your ex boyfriend is the fact that I wasn’t ever going to date my “void filler” girls. However, it may be entirely possible that your ex will start dating one of these girls.
Usually when women ask me about this situation I sternly tell them to read my rebound relationship page. However, I want to do something a little bit different this time around. I am going to tell you what you really want to know.
A really quick way to figure out if your ex and his new girlfriend (assuming he has a new girlfriend) are going to last or if she is just another “void filler.”
During your relationship with your ex boyfriend you set a certain standard. Every other girl he meets or takes on a date is going to be compared to this standard. The only way that your ex boyfriend will take another girlfriend is if he thinks that she beats the standard you set.
The problem with this type of thinking is that his “idea” of a standard can only be a guess because the only way to gauge the standard of a girl is to date her. So, if he dates her and determines that the standard she sets is better than the standard you set then they will probably have a longer relationship than you might expect. Of course, if the standard the new girl sets is not anywhere close to yours then sooner or later he will come to his senses, trust me!
Fourth Jerk Behavior- Not Picking Up Phone Calls or Responding To Your Texts
Ah..
The good ole no contact rule.
Except this time there is a pretty clever twist. Instead of you doing a no contact rule on your ex, he seems to be doing one on you.
It’s pretty shocking how people get when someone they want to talk to ignores them. I have seen some crazy stuff happen during my tenure here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. For instance, after I advised a visitor here to enter into a no contact period with her boyfriend he got so crazy that he showed up in the middle of the night at 3 a.m. knocking on her door.
Of course, I have also seen the flip side of that equation.
I have read multiple stories from women who have gone absolutely crazy once their boyfriends have ignored them (all of them later regretted it.) I guess the point I am trying to make here is that pretty much everyone hates it when someone ignores them.
So, if your ex boyfriend ignores you whenever you try to reach out to him does that make him a jerk?
I think the answer to that question all boils down to how he approaches the initial ignoring.
Lets pretend for a moment that you and I used to date.
During our breakup talk we both established that we would try to remain friends. Both of us verbalized that things would be different but despite the differences we both wanted to remain friends. So, if you never ever hear from me again after you have tried multiple times to contact me then that would make me two things. A liar and a jerk.
Now, lets imagine another scenario. This time lets assume that you and I dated but we had a really bad breakup. You did a lot of things that hurt me and quite frankly you don’t deserve to talk to me again. If I were to ignore you in these circumstances I am not sure that makes me a jerk. I didn’t put any binding promises on contacting you so technically I don’t owe you anything.
“This is insightful and all but what if an ex just suddenly stops talking to you after he had no problem talking to you previously?”
Ah, this is probably the question you are all wondering.
The way this scenario will play out is quite simple really. You and I are exes. The two of us text back and forth after our breakup and you seem to be under the impression that things are kind of “ok” between the two of us. That is until you send a text and I don’t respond to it. Then you send another one a few days later and I ignore that one too. You try a few more days only to be ignored again.
“What a jerk” you think to yourself.
Would you like to know what is going on in your exes mind if this happens to you?
Well, it could be a number of things.
I think if this happens to you it means he just didn’t want to talk anymore. There are times where I will be texting someone and thinking of something or someone else. For example, if I have a pressing action I need to get done on this site then my attention isn’t really going to be fully with the person I was texting.
Of course, there are other times where I really want to hear from someone but instead I hear from you and at the moment I am not in the mood to talk to you because I want to talk to this other person.
Men are kind of moody (if you haven’t noticed already.)
When I am in a certain mood I can literally talk to everyone very happily. However, there are other times where I can be in kind of a “darker” mood and when I am in these kind of moods there are maybe only one or two people who I really want to talk to and usually an ex girlfriend is not on that list.
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Fifth Jerk Behavior- Lying
If you haven’t already read my “guide” on men and lying I suggest you do so here.
The fifth type of behavior that an ex boyfriend can display if he is being a jerk has to be lying.
What do I mean when I talk about lying though? Remember, we are only exploring how an ex boyfriend can be a jerk by lying here.
Off the top of my head one specific lie that an ex boyfriend can tell really jumps out to me, why you broke up.
I am usually careful about the way I word things on this site so I don’t paint myself in a corner that is impossible to get out of but I think right now right here I am going to paint myself in a corner. You need to assume that your ex boyfriend is lying to you about the real reason he broke up with you.
I know it is a total douche move by us guys but we want to lie to you about breaking up for a very specific reason.
We don’t want to hurt your feelings. Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you that all guys are like this. You may have dated a real big jerk who gets off on seeing you in pain (see the next section) but generally speaking we don’t want to see you in pain.
I am not afraid to admit that I have lied to women about the reason I didn’t like them because I knew if I told them the real reason I didn’t want to be with them it would probably devastate them and they would definitely hate me. That is kind of the beauty of owning a website like this though. I can educate you about these things without hurting anyone’s feelings.
It is sort of like this.
Imagine that you and I have a connection. You like me and I like you. However, when I sit down and think about our relationship and the future of it I just don’t think that you are good looking enough for me (I am a total idiot by the way ;).) Now, something tells me that if I sat you down and said to you “I just don’t think you are good looking enough to date me” it wouldn’t go over too well. So, instead I may lie to you about some insignificant reason.
Now, the reason I used that particular example is because I know for a fact that you ARE good looking enough because at one point your ex boyfriend dated you. However, I figured if you understood the process that goes through a mans mind it could make a few light bulbs go off on why your ex may not be completely honest with you about stuff.
Sixth Jerk Behavior- He Just Wants To See You Suffer
Out of all the behaviors that I have talked about on this page this one is by far the most despicable.
I really debated if I wanted to even include this behavior in this guide because this is pretty dark stuff. However, I figured you deserved to know the truth about things so here it is.
There will be some ex boyfriends that want to see you suffer. Everything they do will be done out of hate just to make you feel horrible about yourself.
Want an example?
Ok, lets say that you and I dated and we had a pretty bad breakup. After the breakup you decide that you don’t really want me back but you do want to remain friends. So, you ask me if we can remain friends and I agree. However, as time goes on I say some very hurtful things to you that leave you crying every day. Now, a normal ex boyfriend might apologize for hurting your feelings but I am not a normal ex boyfriend. Instead, I take pleasure in seeing you in pain though I never verbalize this thought.
Right now I am known as one of the top experts in helping women get their ex boyfriends back. However, THIS is where I draw the line.
A human being who takes pleasure in seeing someone in pain is not worth your time. You shouldn’t ever try to get someone like this back.
So, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is how can you tell if your ex boyfriend is a jerk that likes seeing you in pain?
Don’t worry I have your back here.
He Says Hurtful Things And Doesn’t Apologize
I know this is a pretty childish thing to talk about. As I wrote the title (he says hurtful things and doesn’t apologize) I got this picture of this little girl crying and saying:
“HE WAS MEAN TO MEEE.”
That is not what I am really getting at here. I am talking about an ex boyfriend saying some pretty unforgivable things. The type of things that HE KNOWS will hurt you down to your soul. He says these things to you for one reason.. to see you hurt.
Now, why would he do that?
Well, this is your ex boyfriend remember? We are automatically going to assume that you aren’t going to be on the best of terms with him. Lets say that the two of you had a really bad breakup and he has a lot of anger and emotions at the moment. This anger within him is going to cause him to seek revenge by thinking of the most hurtful thing he can say to you.
Lets hit the pause button for a moment and really study this event.
It is pretty much common sense that people say some really dumb things when they get angry. I am all about forgiveness and I think it is important to understand that when emotions run high logic runs low. I am able to forgive someone if they say something in anger towards me. I understand what it is like to say some very regretful things through anger because I have been there.
However, where I have a problem is when the person shows absolutely no remorse after they say the hurtful thing.
I remember a few years ago I said something really mean to someone out of anger. It was kind of an impulsive thing and I just said it. When I saw how hurt this person was after I said it I immediately felt horrible about myself and went on an apologizing rampage.
An ex boyfriend who is a true jerk won’t show any remorse after he says his hurtful thing. I think it is ok to make a mistake here and there, like an impulsive angry comment, but it is not ok to take pleasure in seeing how that comment can hurt someone.
That is the sign of a true jerk.
Conclusion
I know this hasn’t been one of my normal guides. Usually I give these really long step by step instructions on how to do a certain thing or get your ex to react a certain way. Instead, this guide was all about understanding the complex person that is your ex boyfriend.
I do hope I have given you some helpful insight into his mind and why he may be acting a certain way after your breakup. If you would like more straightforward “how to guides” I suggest you check out some of the following:
- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Guide.
- Understanding Your Ex During No Contact.
- How To Become The Ungettable Girl
I also just wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year (2013.) I wanted to thank all of you for reading, learning and communicating with me throughout 2013. Without you this site would literally be nothing. When I initially wrote the first “guide” on this site I had no idea that it would get the attention that it has gotten. A lot of you comment about how insightful and helpful my guides are to you but the truth is that without you those guides wouldn’t exist. It is through your constant need to understand the mind of a man that I have pushed myself to come up with the best content I can think of.
So really, everything that this site is I owe to you. It is my constant need to provide you with the best content in the world that has made this site great.
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all and I promise I will keep doing my best to deliver the best content I possibly can. If you have any ideas on future guides or any questions about your jerk of a boyfriend 😉 please comment in the comments section below.
I wish you all the best in your lives and hope you have an incredible 2014!
Nicky P
October 26, 2020 at 4:31 am
Hi,
I started catching my ex (1 year) in small lies. Like going to a strip club when he told me he was sleep all day….or not returning my phone calls for 24 hours. Well, after 2 months i got fed up with it after his last lie at the strip club. I broke up with him and basically told him if he wanted us to work he’d need to show consistently and transparency etc
He never did. So i chose NC for a month. I broke NC to talk about canceling our 2 international trips. He was very cold, Aloof and it seemed as though i was bothering him. Also, he has moved on.
I only contacted him to tell him that i was trying to get his money back from our future trips…. why did he treat me cold. Unfriend me on social media and basically blow me off
Tessa
October 21, 2020 at 7:31 am
Hi my ex of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I tried no contact the first week and failed by sleeping with him. He said we should only meet up for that and that’s all. He was mean and didn’t care however he asked if I’ve slept with anyone else and that I shouldn’t because then he will too. It’s been a week since and I’ve been following no contact and not viewing any of his stories since he’s posting stuff like “ask me anything, I’ll answer all” or social media’s that we’re not blocked and I havent posted anything myself since that night as I was clearly upset over his words. Should I continue no contact more? How long? I really wanna try this again but not sure what my next step is… please help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 24, 2020 at 9:38 pm
Hi Tessa, yes if you want a relationship with him then you need to go back into a NC and start following the program a second time around. I would suggest that you follow for 30 days 45 if you feel you need more time to work on yourself to become the best version of yourself before you start reaching out to your ex again
Gj
June 12, 2020 at 11:44 pm
Hi well me and my ex have known each other for 5 years we used to break up and a lot of times but the last year was actually good and no problems but lately we were arguing a lot because of some small things well I didn’t like that situation too but I’ve never thought about leaving him and he was saying that I’m making problems over nothing and he’s no longer confortable with but actually I wasn’t I only talk about something when I’m really hurt but even though I told him that I’m sorry I don’t mean to make problems I just want him to know how I feel so I thought everything was gonna be okay again but he started to ignoring me he told me that he wast just nervous and have some problems I trusted it like an idiot I waited for him to talk to me se when he came back he stated to ignore me again and then I found out that he was talking a girl that I know so I told him because he got no time for me but there is time for other people he said that it’s just because he had problem with her he wanted to make it clear but he tried to make me feel that all of this is my fault again and he hates me and we didn’t talk again after that he knew that he saw one of my exes on my friends list on Facebook he came to me he said a really bad things to me he said that I always search for someone else whenever we broke up maybe he thought that I’m in relationship with him but I’m not and I told him but he didn’t listen he keep throwing me with those hurtful words he came back with his ex girlfriend so I texted him because I didn’t get it how someone could forget u so easily and know I regret it he hurted me again and he blocked me I know that he started a new relationship just to make me upset but what I don’t get is how someone show u all that love and spend a lot of good times with u leave u like that and say all those bad things to hurt you I didn’t do anything wrong I respected him even though he left me but he didn’t I know I’m gonna sound like an idiot but I still love him though I loved him for five years I can’t forget him it’s been one month right now but I still think of him I know he loves me too and it’s not the first time we break up I really want him to feel guilty for what he did and said and apologize I didn’t text him when he blocked me I really don’t know what to do and if was gonna unblock me again
Gg
May 27, 2020 at 4:59 am
Hi my ex broke up with me 2 months ago because of the long distance . I did a NC of 3 weeks and we started talking again as friends. Yesterday I heard he might be putting himself out there. So I texted him to as if that was true. But he refused to tell me the truth he said I would not like to discuss my private life ( he was a private person but now it hurts he is acting like I didn’t mean anything to him ) he also told me it’s time to move on and that from next time I shouldn’t bring us up. I am gonna move to same place as he us in couple of months.
hailey anne
April 27, 2020 at 2:11 pm
Well, my boyfriends Ex of a year, is constantly trying to ruin our relationship, he isn’t filling the void with tons of girls- im the only girl he has talked to, i dont know why shes trying so hard to break us up.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 27, 2020 at 2:53 pm
Hi Hailey It sounds as if she wants to get her ex back possbily
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 27, 2020 at 2:53 pm
Hi Hailey, it sounds as if she is trying to get her ex back possibly
Lorraine
January 31, 2020 at 5:38 am
Me ex, his gf, and I all work together. We dated 2 years ago but he always acted like he was in love with me. Anyway, long story short he maintained that he was single and was pretty heavily involved in my life, we talked every day. He flirted with me every day and was with me during every one of his breaks. That is, until I found out he was with another girl, that he lied to me about. He had kept her a secret from not only me, but everyone including his mother for 8 months, most likely because of her awful reputation of having a fake/manipulative disposition. I stopped talking to him and the situation got worse, some of our mutual friends sided with me and stopped talking to him because he lied to them too, but he blames it all on me. Things cooled off and I tried to extend an olive branch and be nice, and added him back to Facebook which he accepted but now he’s ignoring me and literally slamming doors in my face, it’s like it got worse when I tried to be friends. I don’t know…I think we might be ruined beyond friendship at this point, I kind of hate being around him.
Abby
October 29, 2019 at 11:31 pm
Hi, my ex and I dated for eight months and have been split for three weeks. I have been doing NC for two weeks. Our last convo (text) was very short and ended abruptly. I was upset because he posted pics days after our breakup with “a friend” on his social media. This female friend had been an issue in the past because she displayed covert aggressive behavior toward me but my ex would always say I was reading way to much into it. A woman knows when another woman is attracted to her boyfriend especially when I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, she would surely make her presence known how close they were. That being said, the relationship had its challenges because my ex comes from a very religiously strict family and should not be dating, so are relationship was kept private. His family found out about us, which is the reason we broke up (supposedly) and forbid him to continue to date me. This is why the photos of him and his friend were upsetting. When I texted him telling him how hurt I was by the photos he told me he could not deal with the “this negative stuff with you right now” and that he has been recently been feeling really happy, sorry he hurt me but he needed to take care of himself and although he still had feelings for me he could not live life attached. This was devastating and all I could say was “okay” and have not talk to him since. I see him at school, he seems happy and recently I have heard he has been flirting with another girl on campus (he told me he found her attractive before we dated so…another blow. I question the reason for our breakup and feel it may be a lie. I also question if I should have hope of reconciling, he is very driven and if he is determined to do something he does and feel if he is over me than I should not hold hope in getting back together. Please share your thoughts.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 30, 2019 at 3:47 pm
Hi Abby, so at times there is difficult factors to over come, yours are the religious family and the sphere of influence. So once you have done your NC and done some healing from the break up and you need to work on some confidence so that you are no longer threatened by any other woman because you know your worth. Reaching out to talk to him as a friend first is going to help you be able to get a conversation out of him but not until you have done 30 days NC first
Olivia
October 14, 2019 at 12:40 pm
My boyfriend of almost a year and a half just broke up with me over the phone after we did long distance for about 3 months. I asked to meet in person this weekend since we would both be home and it would be the first time we had seen each other in over a month. I had hoped to talk more about how things ended and get a little more explanation from him. We met up and he seemed very cold and emotionless towards me. He claimed he had said “all he had to say” on the phone when he first broke up and continued to tell me our relationship became a “burden” to him. This is hard to fathom because it doesn’t seem like he’s the same person I dated for so long. He isn’t sweet and emotional anymore like he had been, and it seemed like our relationship didn’t matter to him and that it was so easy for him to drop. I’m overall very confused and hurt. Any thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2019 at 7:27 pm
You need to complete a NC and take some time to work on yourself, read as much as you can through this website and specifically about your sitution
Kasey
September 14, 2019 at 4:37 am
My ex and I broke up back in July, it was pretty mutual. He owned a bar and didn’t have a lot of time. He wanted to remain friends afterwards and I attempted but soon realized that I wouldn’t move on if we remained friends. I deleted him off all social media. I got drunk one night and went to his bar and acted a fool. I apologized numerous times and we seemed to work things out where we were fine. A few weeks later I asked him if we could meet up and chat (I wanted to apologize in person and also clear a few things up) he agreed to meet up but when I’d ask him what a good time for him to meet he would stop responding. I later asked him again he agreed then again didn’t respond when it came down for a good time. So at this point I’ve started to give up. He texted me the other day and said what he had to say was too complex for a text. So I offered to talk to him on the phone (because clearly meeting up wasn’t an option) and he never replied. I have no idea what is going on..Should I reach out again or should I just drop it?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 15, 2019 at 12:41 am
Hi Kasey, if you want him back restart the process with a no contact, and work on your emotional control so the same issues don’t happen again. If he gets in touch about meeting up during your no contact ignore it as at this moment in time he thinks you’re still struggling with the breakup and you don’t want this. You want him to think you’re Ungettable
Kylie
August 14, 2019 at 12:02 am
He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and it was more of a mutual split. But then he came back and said he was done. Last thing he said was that he will always love me and I’ll always have a piece of his heart but I needed to heal and move on. We broke up due to fighting a lot and arguing. Of course I begged him to work it out for a couple days and even reached out to his best friend because he blocked me on all social media. Not phone. No response. Then I went into NC. I felt crazy and embarrassed because thats not me and I didnt understand how an6s why he would blow me off. Caved after a week because I got a promotion. I shouldnt of but I did. And he replied and wasnt nice to me. Told me to move on and that we were never getting back together and to delete everything, all pictures. I told him i wasnt ready and he said at least the naughty ones out of respect and he deleted all mine. He said hes moved on and I need to as well. I asked him how it was so easy for him and how do you stop loving someone and I asked if there was someone else. He said it didnt matter and to take care and he was tired of the fighting and all the crap. Sad thing is my oldest daughter sent him a goodbye texts and he never responded to her and it broke her heart and mine. They were so close. I’m in NC again and I plan to do the full 30 but I’m still blocked on all social media. Do I even stand a chance?
Kerry
February 14, 2019 at 1:57 pm
My ex and I broke up (we fought because he wanted to see me so bad but I can’t due to work)- he said mean things to hurt me such as he will have sex with his ex, would date other women, he can do better, he has a lot to offer and all kinds of mean threatening words thrown around- unless I meet him that night (12am) – I refuse to meet him. He was basically giving me an ultimatum.
I offered to be friends because I honestly want to be friends and I accepted the break up but he said he will not be friends with me and he can’t be friends with me. He said he will ruin my reputation around our common friends and I cannot be in his circle anymore (we share common friends and belong to a club) that same night he kicked my membership in a club (he was president).
I’m not sure why he’s acting this way. It has hurt me so much.
Chris Seiter
February 14, 2019 at 11:16 pm
Hi Kerry!
I am sorry your ex was so insensitive to you and your needs and acted badly. Its time to put him in the rear view mirror. In my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” I cover a lot of things, including how you put a rotten ex behind you.
kalia
September 18, 2018 at 4:05 pm
Regarding jerk behaviour 1 – I have an ex who said we would still be friends during our breakup, but since then almost every time I talk to him he acts irritated and like everything I say is wrong. I don’t think I even want him back anymore but I do miss him and I would love a friendship between us and peace. However if I try to talk to him it’s like I can’t say anything right.
I just spoke to him after nearly 2 months no contact and our first conversation already turned into him having a go at me.
First i made some jokes about drinks as i was dealing with a hangover… he said the conversation was boring him. He started talking about why he likes keeping busy, I tried to ask more about it. Got told he won’t talk about it. I changed the subject to ask about his work – got told he doesn’t want to talk about work when he isn’t at work because he has more important problems right now. Asked him about the problems – again got told he won’t talk about that either. He then lashed out at me saying I was interrogating him and left.
He’s been like this for months. Ive had an entire relationship with someone else since our breakup and we’ve gone long periods without talking, but even after all this time attempts to get back in touch keep ending like this. Nothing I say is interesting to him or good enough and i get snapped at and told I never change etc. No contact doesnt fix it. Everything I say is wrong. If I ask him about his life I’m being nosy and he doesn’t ask about mine and if I bring up another topic I’m boring him. And it’s clear he still resents me.
Is there any hope of making things more peaceful here…. I don’t want to completely lose this person from my life but I’m at a loss.
I want some sort of peace.
Chris Seiter
September 19, 2018 at 12:14 am
Hi Kalia!
This guy just doesn’t seem happy with himself. Its obvious you are a great catch and yet he is hyper critical. Perhaps take a step back. There are many paths for you to pursue if you so choose.
Eva
April 4, 2018 at 3:16 pm
Hey. Very good article.
For mw the question arises where ro draw thw line between saying sth mean out of anger and being verbaly abusive, so being a true jerk.
My Ex (On off) seems to have a self confident maturity problem. One day he says he wants to marry me next day he splits up saying the meanest things. Mostly he apologises days later (but then truly) but quite often not. As if he has to pay back me because I somehow hurt him and he cannot deal with anger. He blocked me now after a stupid fight (I apologised for it several times),unblock me so that I can apologise, just to pick a fight while I apologise. He regrets the proposal. He doesn’t care about me. I am toxic. He wants another girlfriend, one that matches, i should fuck off. U get the point.
I have a huge patience (he has add), but this hurts. And I don’t wanna be a doormat. I love him and I know he is hurt, but where to draw the line. how to make hom regret?
Chris Seiter
April 5, 2018 at 11:12 pm
So, you’ve neglected to let me in on any strategy you have tried.
Eva
April 20, 2018 at 8:15 pm
I am sorry but what exactly do you mean Chris? I would never neglect you by purpose.
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2018 at 8:40 pm
Hi Eva…so good to hear from you again. Yes…my response was 14 days ago. So as I recall, I was trying to come up to speed on your overall strategy at that time. No worries. What is important is you have a plan in place and having whatever supporting materials you need to effectively move forward. I know you are not the type of person who neglects. Poor choice of words on my end. In fact, you are the opposite….a person who cares and is selfless.
Caroline
March 13, 2018 at 1:06 am
My ex cheated on me after a year of being the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We had talked about the future and he was constantly telling me he wanted to spend his life with me (not me bringing it up). The cheating was completely out of the blue, as the day before he surprised me telling me he was taking me on a trip to New York and we were so in love. The next day he sleeps with another woman and calls and tells me while I’m on vacation with my girlfriends. He has never cheated on anyone before and i was the first woman he’s ever fallen in love with. When he called to tell me he cheated, he was very apologetic and answered my questions and apologized. However, when i met with him yesterday to talk about the cheating in person he looked at me with a blank stare as I cried, told me that information about the cheating was none of my business, and told me he never meant anything he has said to me and probably never loved me. I think he may have been on drugs due to his peculiar movements and the emotionless way he was acting because I’ve never seen him act this way before in my entire time knowing him. Not even remotely close to this. Why would he say those things? Unless he is an Oscar nominated actor or a sociopath no one changes emotions that have been vivdly cultivated for an entire year that quickly. Do you think he was just lashing out or trying to block the pain?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2018 at 12:36 pm
Maybe he’s pissed and that’s his way of defending himself from being confronted..
Sanne
February 27, 2018 at 4:33 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend because he keeps repeating the same issues twice. He let me free and asked if we could stay as friends, I agreed. After the breakup, I keep checking up on him on whatsapp to see if he has changed. Although, the first day of breakup, he didn’t online that much and the next day, his time were still occupied to whoever that person his talking to. I didn’t contacted him nor unfriended him on social media because he told me that we could stay as friends, and continued my own shits. I acted as if nothings happened. After a few days, he unfriended me on social media, still I didn’t confronted him but I was upset. The day after, he chatted me, told me he was upset and I told him the reasons why I broke up with him and he also told me that he unfriended me, it was odd. I told him it was okay. I felt guilty afterwards and wants him back, he accepted but he told me we have to start all over after a few months. I have trust issues so when he repeated the same issues we had back then, I decided to end it. He told me on how I think so less of him and that’s why he won’t answer me because I suspected him of cheating. Turns out the first issues we had he was talking to a girl – he was being defensive the first time. The second time it happened, he got mad after I told him, he would rather not talk to me and just ignored me not wanting to fix the issue, still continues to talk to whoever that person is. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 28, 2018 at 3:40 pm
Hi Sanne,
I’m not sure I do.. But did you mean to ask on how to make him change his ways?
Little Bit Lost and confused
February 5, 2018 at 1:16 am
My ex has now done the 6th jerk behaviour- yesterday, we’re four weeks post break up (by myself due to fidelity issues on his side), I’ve been in limited contact due to us having a 19mth old child together- he’d been here to see our son this weekend (I still live in our home, as he works away and stays there normally mon- fri prior to break up and now resides there permanently) he stayed in the spare room Saturday night- I left him and our son alone all day Saturday and I went out for the whole day, I was polite to him (it killed me inside to know we’ve been reduced to this) but I went to my bedroom, didn’t say good night or anything just went to bed. I woke up Sunday morning, got our son organised and he got up and took him to the park….. came back home put our son to bed and packed up and left…… I sent a text 15mins after he’d left to let him know our son had woken up (which he had and the pitiful dad dad dad dad he was saying broke my heart to be honest) please bear in mind this is the first time in four weeks he’d seen his son or I and that I had been in LC with him to avoid arguments, allowed him to video call our son and interact with him, I never spoke to him during these calls, nor did he see me, during limited contact I’ve been looking for work, I’ve been losing weight ect even registered for an online dating site……. anything to distract me from him. So his response to my text about or son waking was just ok- so I left it at that. No response was needed from me. 3hours later I get another text asking why I sent it. So I told him, and said I don’t know what’s worse, leaving his son while he’s asleep or doing it while he’s awake and allowing him to actually say bye bye- I did acknowledge that ours sons reaction had left me feeling sad. So then I copped it, I calmly reminded him that I did not say he had to leave, that it was his choice to leave, I also advised that I’ve not prevented him from seeing his son either, I copped a tirade of abuse back and at this point I responded in kind, first text I received was a thank you for re affirming his feelings for me which are apparently none “I looked at you and felt nothing” okay hurtful a bit and bet ya bottom dollar I cried……. I had heard no more until approx 7pm last night about my using his bank card (which was last week to purchase fuel and some other things for our son) because he works I get very little in the way of assistance from the government and there was always the intent for me to return to work this year……… I apologised for using his account and explained that I had no choice but to use it. Advised that I’d been selling things (clothing ect) to try and keep me head a float. That this using his money was an absolute last resort and that from now on I will not touch his money and any child support will be collected via the correct channels…….. I copped some more abuse, but the next part, that’s the cruelest of all. I’m not fat, but I’m heavier than what I was prior to our son being born. He then called me a fat lazy cunt, that no one will want me, and the guys that do want me will only want to use me for an easy fuck. I ignored this, at this stage I was in tears again…… then I got another saying keep crying ya fatty, but good news is keep getting fat and no one will use you for an easy lay. Then got wow must’ve hurt your not responding (there was obviously more said but this is a semi short summary of what’s happened) I expected him to apologise for how cruel he had been but up until this moment I’ve recieved no such thing. I was following LC because I wanted to be with him. Even after all of this there’s still love there otherwise what he has said would be just water off a ducks back…….. I’ve no idea what to do from here, nor do I know if I should block his number and email completely, I don’t know what to do if or when he attempts contact again (if he does it will be about our son I believe) this is a pretty crappy time for me atm and some advice on where to go to from here would be muchly appreciated. Because no where does it advise what to do when there’s a baby involved when your ex is being deliberately hurtful, he knew exactly what to say to hurt me, and it worked I’ve been devastated since, but I’ve still remained silent, even though he knows me well enough to know it would’ve upset me being that cruel about me, my pride is what kept me quiet, because any reaction would’ve let him know how deeply he’s hurt me. So please any advice has to be better than what I’m currently using which is absolutely none.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 3:00 pm
You should move on.. We don’t advise going back to an abusive relationship. Don’t let a man treat you that way because what you allow, you will get
Lara
February 2, 2018 at 6:32 pm
My botfriend broke up with me three weeks ago and we ended it in really good terms. However, as soon as we broke up he started following a bunch of girls on instagram, liking their pics and started going out with his friends a lot. It didn’t bothered me that much because i know that that’s the way men react to a breakup – but in the past few days he went completely cold and started doing things that really hurt me: he followed his ex on instagram (which killed me cause we had fought about her many times when we were together because she liked my pictures and kept trying to talk to him), he also deleted the most recent photo of us from his instagram and bloked me from watching his instastories (he didn’t block me or unfollowed me on instagram though, and he and his friends watch ALL of my stories). I don’t know what to think of this… i never did anything to hurt him or make him mad after we broke up so i can’t think of a reason for why he would be acting like this, and it hurts me to think that he’s completely over me (even after 3 weeks!!) and that he doesn’t miss me at all.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 12:32 pm
HI Lara,
It’s just his way of checking if you are going to react because he knows you’re probably checking his account.
saraxyz
December 30, 2017 at 4:14 am
after starting nocontact, my ex stopped seeing my whatsapp statuses, he even one day send me a message on whatsapp but he deleted it and the notification came. why is he acting like that? is he hating me more after nocontact? he has blocked me on instagram right after breakup, so the only place of communication is whatsapp. please help
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 31, 2017 at 10:15 pm
Hi Saraxyz,
he probably did that to see how you would react.. how many days are you in nc? Do more of posts that doesn’t disappear after 24 hours.
Ria
November 21, 2017 at 2:05 pm
My long-distance boyfriend broke up with me saying that we are very different personalities. I immediately stopped contact and he asked if I will never speak to him again. I said I have feelings but I am hurt so I don’t want any contact. And he said “nonsense”. I feel so bad and angry I want to react but I didn’t message at all. What to do now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 24, 2017 at 12:46 am
Hi Ria,
That’s good that you didn’t.. That’s the start of your nc period.. how long were you together?
daniela
November 13, 2017 at 9:29 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago, we were together for 7 months in a long distance relationship. The weekend I ended things he met this new girl at a party and he started dating her and still has apparently. The reason we broke up is because I did not communicate and I got mad because of silly things and so he begged me 4 times not to break things off but this last time was different because he got tired. I tried to talk and get back together that next week but he just didn’t want to get back together because he said I really hurt him and this last fight made him think about the whole relationship, I think he gave up on us and he just stopped talking to me. I started dating someone about 2 weeks ago and once he saw he deleted me from social media, I think he hates me which is wrong because he started dating the girl about a week or 2 right after we broke up. The last time I talked to him he was mean and doesn’t reply to my text even though I was just sending a condolence message, not even a thank you. I don’t know how he feels or if he hates me even though I think I did nothing wrong. I did apologize for the way I ended things up and I tried to get back together it was him who did not wanted and preferred to date other girl.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 17, 2017 at 8:38 pm
Hi Daniela,
check this one:
EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend