“Why is he such a jerk?”
I can’t tell you how many times women have told this to me when talking about their ex boyfriends.
I would say a good 90% of the readers of this site want their ex boyfriends back. So, automatically that means that every little thing that an ex boyfriend does is going to be dissected and taken personally. If he does something good that will benefit you it is likely that your heart is going to race with excitement. Of course, if he does something mean or “jerk-like” your heart will start breaking apart and you will almost slip into this mini depression where food loses its taste and things that normally get your excited don’t seem to do it for you anymore.
As I am sure you have already noticed. This guide is all about the jerks out there.
In other words, if an ex boyfriend is acting like a jerk this guide is going to attempt to explain why.
How is it going to do that? Well, once again I am going to attempt to expand your knowledge on the male mind and dive into the reasoning behind these jerk-like acts that your ex boyfriend keeps engaging in.
What Actions Qualify A Man For Being A Jerk?
Relationships are so complex and interesting if you really think about them.
You have two people of the opposite sex. Each has their own unique ideas about how to approach life. Each has their own idea of how a relationship is supposed to work. Yet, neither person can truly control the other person.
So, lets say for a moment that you and your ex boyfriend get back together. You are in a relationship and are quite happy. You have your own ideas on how your ex/new boyfriend is supposed to treat you and he has his own ideas about how you are supposed to treat him. The only problem is that neither of your ideas on how to treat each other match up. If you sprinkle in the fact that neither or you can truly control each other all sorts of wacky things can start to happen.
This is essentially one view of a relationship between a man and a woman.
You have to admit that it is a little comical but I feel there is a hint of truth to this view when it comes to jerk behavior.
No matter what, no two human beings are going to think exactly alike. Sure, maybe two people can think very similarly but no one is going to think exactly 100% of what another human being is thinking. If we accept this view, isn’t it possible that what you consider to be “jerk behavior” your ex boyfriend does not?
We all have our individual views on how relationships should be treated but these individual views can sometimes make it hard to pin down exactly what a jerk is.
So, this leaves us with the ultimate question,
How can we determine what a jerk is if men and women view them differently?
In this case it is probably best to view a jerk by looking at what society collectively considers to be a jerk this way both views are taken into account (both men and women.)
Societal jerk-like behavior includes things like cheating, saying hurtful things (that are uncalled for) and overreacting over ridiculous things.
Of course, this guide is unique in and of itself because it is not studying men as a whole. Instead, it is studying only a certain segment of men, the ex boyfriend.
Luckily, I am a man and I have also been an ex boyfriend who remembers almost all of the thoughts that went through my head during my past relationships. So, I can literally give you an entirely unique perspective at why I acted like a jerk in my relationships (which if I am being honest… I was one.)
Now, I can’t give you all the gory details of my past because I have no interest in slandering an ex on the web. However, what I can give you access to is all of the thoughts that went through my head which is really want you want anyways, right?
To have the ability to understand what is going on in your exes head?
Why do you think Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO has been so successful?
The Behaviors Of An Ex Boyfriend Jerk
“He used to be so sweet to me… what happened to him?”
It is a thought that runs through every woman whose ex boyfriend has just been a jerk to her.
Understanding why an ex boyfriend is a jerk is not generally an easy thing to grasp. Doing so requires you to take a trip into the mind of a man and that is not always a fun place to be. However, I have decided to take the issue head on by listing all the “jerk” behaviors I can think of and explaining the actual thoughts that men have when they do them.
Lets start with a common one for ex boyfriends, causing unnecessary fights after the breakup.
First Jerk Behavior- Causing Fights After A Breakup
I wanted to start off with this behavior because it is likely that this is something you have experienced for yourself.
When I say “causing fights after a breakup” am I just talking about the normal fight that may occur during the breakup talk?
This is something different.
Imagine for a moment that you and I dated and broke up. Of course, you being the amazing person that you are you offer to remain friends with me and I angrily decline your offer. Every time you attempt to talk to me I say something that sets you off and then you say something in return that really sets me off and before you know it we are both having a full fledged argument. This little “argument dance” occurs every single time we talk or attempt to talk after the breakup.
What is going on here?
What causes a man to react this way after a breakup?
Furthermore, have I personally ever experienced anything like this before?
Did you find yourself wondering why I chose that fake example above? You know, the one where you and I dated and we both argued every time we talked after a breakup. Well, truthfully this is an example from my own life.
I once reacted like this after a breakup and I am about to lay some shocking knowledge down for you.
At the time a lot was going through my head. It has been about five years since that particular incident has occurred so I have had a lot of time to reflect on exactly what I was feeling.
The truth was that it all boiled down to maturity or a lack of it. Instead of handling the situation like an adult should I decided to “become the victim” and create a fight every time I would talk to my ex. For some reason fighting gave me this sense of control.
I had lost control of the relationship and viewed myself as a failure. Even now when I look back at some of the mistakes I made I cringe and I feel like I was a completely different person. I think at the time I even knew that. So, instead of manning up and admitting my own shortcomings as a boyfriend I decided to take the cowards approach and give myself a way to become the “victim” when I really didn’t feel like one.
Thus, I would find a way to fight with my ex even when she was just trying to be nice and check up on me.
Looking back it was a really rotten and insecure thing to do but I actually don’t regret the experience. Sure, I was definitely in the wrong with how I acted during the breakup but it allowed me to truly be honest with myself and make some major changes in my life.
Second Jerk Behavior- Other Women During And After A Relationship
There is a lot to talk about here.
I actually love talking about this particular type of behavior because it is going to really address one of your greatest fears, having your ex look at other women or go on the rebound after your relationship.
So, what exactly am I talking about with this jerk like behavior?
Well, during your relationship with your ex boyfriend were you constantly catching him check out other women? After your breakup is he constantly talking to other women or perhaps even dating them?
Many women will rally by your side if your ex does this and label him a jerk but I am not so sure that is the case.
Yes, you heard me I don’t think your ex is a jerk if he was casually looking at other women during your relationship.
The first thing I want to tackle here is that there is a difference between looking at other women casually and looking at them and aggressively pursuing them.
Chick flick movies have created this perception that a guy has to be faithful to only one girl and “being faithful” requires him to not even notice other women. While this may make relationships a lot easier (and put me out of a job) real life is different.
Every boyfriend you have will hopefully have two eyes and he can’t help but notice the beautiful new intern. Heck, he may even fantasize about her. This is a normal thing for men.
Take me for example.
One of the things that I am most proud of about myself is the fact that I am loyal to a fault. You show me the most loyal boyfriend on earth and I bet I am more loyal than him in a relationship. However, I am a human male and I am not afraid to admit that I look at other women when I am in a relationship. I can’t help it. Heck, if a beautiful woman came up to talk to me while I was in a relationship I wouldn’t shoo her away. No, I would talk to her and be friendly. If this beautiful woman were to hit on me I would feel very flattered and maybe even blush a little bit. However, if this very same beautiful woman wanted to hang out and her intentions were obviously “date like” I would have the will power to turn her down because I would be dating someone and that part of me would be reserved for them.
Deciphering if a boyfriend or ex boyfriend is a jerk will require you to study how they approach this very situation.
If a beautiful woman is literally throwing herself at your boyfriend would he have the will power to put a stop to it?
A non-jerk would have more than enough will power.
A jerk would not.
Furthermore, a man who is a jerk might even pursue a beautiful woman if shes not throwing herself at him. Why would he do that?
Maybe he needs to stroke his ego and prove he still has “game.”
Perhaps he has cheating tenancies.
Either way, he has just ventured into jerk territory.
Third Jerk Behavior- Other Women After Your Relationship Ends
It’s like a nightmare.
You and your ex have just broken up and now he is off talking to ten other girls at the same time. Sure, you are incredibly angry with the breakup and you have called him every mean name you can think of in your head but should he really be considered a jerk?
This is an interesting question because technically right now you and your ex boyfriend are broken up. He doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe him anything. So, does it make him a jerk if he talks to other girls after the two of you aren’t together anymore?
I don’t think it does because technically he isn’t doing anything wrong. The two of you are broken up remember?
However, there is a way that a man can be a jerk when it comes to other women after your relationship ends.
You found this website so I am just going to assume that you are interested in your ex boyfriend in some way shape or form. Now, I want you to imagine for a moment that after your breakup your ex boyfriend starts meeting and talking to all these other beautiful women. In fact, it starts getting so ridiculous that you have a sneaking suspicion that he is talking to these other women as a way to upset you. Essentially he is flaunting his interactions with the other girls at you as a way to get a rise out of you.
If your ex boyfriend is doing this then he is being a total jerk.
Now, this brings up an interesting question.
If your ex boyfriend is flaunting other women at you as a way to “stick it to you” did his time with you mean anything to him?
I promise you it did.
I know that may be shocking to you when his actions seem to say otherwise but lets take a moment and look at things from his perspective.
No matter how toxic the relationship a breakup usually hurts both parties involved in some way shape or form.
I can tell you that a guy is going to usually react in many different ways to a breakup. I would like to study two of those ways right now.
First Way- He Will Become Very Depressed
For some reason when I picture this breakup outcome in my head I am picturing something like this:
Essentially an ex boyfriend who reacts this way will think the world has ended and not do anything to improve his situation. This type of breakup reaction from an ex boyfriend usually means the chances of him wanting you back is going to be increase because lets be honest…. a guy that looks like the one in the picture above is not going to get a girl of your caliber.
Now, I don’t know your situation personally but if you are reading this particular section on this page then something tells me your boyfriend is not acting like this.
No, he is probably acting like this:
Second Way- Filling The Void With Other Girls
We have already established that breakups hurt.
One reaction that men have to breakups is the fact that they look to fill the pain by talking to other people, other women in particular.
I remember after one of my breakups I actually looked for other girls to talk to. Now, I am a really nice guy so I didn’t look to date any of these girls because I knew it would be for the wrong reasons. However, I knew that if I got some type of interaction with the opposite sex and just got this feeling of being wanted by them it would make me feel better.
Why do you think I did this?
Well, nothing says “I don’t want you/like you/care for you anymore” like a breakup does. So, since I felt really down I started looking for other sources outside of my own internal circle to tell me that they liked me and cared for me.
I am not saying it is morally right but I figure if I opened up and told you a little about my experience it might make a few light bulbs go off for your situation.
Now, one thing that may have set me apart from your ex boyfriend is the fact that I wasn’t ever going to date my “void filler” girls. However, it may be entirely possible that your ex will start dating one of these girls.
Usually when women ask me about this situation I sternly tell them to read my rebound relationship page. However, I want to do something a little bit different this time around. I am going to tell you what you really want to know.
A really quick way to figure out if your ex and his new girlfriend (assuming he has a new girlfriend) are going to last or if she is just another “void filler.”
During your relationship with your ex boyfriend you set a certain standard. Every other girl he meets or takes on a date is going to be compared to this standard. The only way that your ex boyfriend will take another girlfriend is if he thinks that she beats the standard you set.
The problem with this type of thinking is that his “idea” of a standard can only be a guess because the only way to gauge the standard of a girl is to date her. So, if he dates her and determines that the standard she sets is better than the standard you set then they will probably have a longer relationship than you might expect. Of course, if the standard the new girl sets is not anywhere close to yours then sooner or later he will come to his senses, trust me!
Fourth Jerk Behavior- Not Picking Up Phone Calls or Responding To Your Texts
The good ole no contact rule.
Except this time there is a pretty clever twist. Instead of you doing a no contact rule on your ex, he seems to be doing one on you.
It’s pretty shocking how people get when someone they want to talk to ignores them. I have seen some crazy stuff happen during my tenure here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. For instance, after I advised a visitor here to enter into a no contact period with her boyfriend he got so crazy that he showed up in the middle of the night at 3 a.m. knocking on her door.
Of course, I have also seen the flip side of that equation.
I have read multiple stories from women who have gone absolutely crazy once their boyfriends have ignored them (all of them later regretted it.) I guess the point I am trying to make here is that pretty much everyone hates it when someone ignores them.
So, if your ex boyfriend ignores you whenever you try to reach out to him does that make him a jerk?
I think the answer to that question all boils down to how he approaches the initial ignoring.
Lets pretend for a moment that you and I used to date.
During our breakup talk we both established that we would try to remain friends. Both of us verbalized that things would be different but despite the differences we both wanted to remain friends. So, if you never ever hear from me again after you have tried multiple times to contact me then that would make me two things. A liar and a jerk.
Now, lets imagine another scenario. This time lets assume that you and I dated but we had a really bad breakup. You did a lot of things that hurt me and quite frankly you don’t deserve to talk to me again. If I were to ignore you in these circumstances I am not sure that makes me a jerk. I didn’t put any binding promises on contacting you so technically I don’t owe you anything.
“This is insightful and all but what if an ex just suddenly stops talking to you after he had no problem talking to you previously?”
Ah, this is probably the question you are all wondering.
The way this scenario will play out is quite simple really. You and I are exes. The two of us text back and forth after our breakup and you seem to be under the impression that things are kind of “ok” between the two of us. That is until you send a text and I don’t respond to it. Then you send another one a few days later and I ignore that one too. You try a few more days only to be ignored again.
“What a jerk” you think to yourself.
Would you like to know what is going on in your exes mind if this happens to you?
Well, it could be a number of things.
I think if this happens to you it means he just didn’t want to talk anymore. There are times where I will be texting someone and thinking of something or someone else. For example, if I have a pressing action I need to get done on this site then my attention isn’t really going to be fully with the person I was texting.
Of course, there are other times where I really want to hear from someone but instead I hear from you and at the moment I am not in the mood to talk to you because I want to talk to this other person.
Men are kind of moody (if you haven’t noticed already.)
When I am in a certain mood I can literally talk to everyone very happily. However, there are other times where I can be in kind of a “darker” mood and when I am in these kind of moods there are maybe only one or two people who I really want to talk to and usually an ex girlfriend is not on that list.
Fifth Jerk Behavior- Lying
If you haven’t already read my “guide” on men and lying I suggest you do so here.
The fifth type of behavior that an ex boyfriend can display if he is being a jerk has to be lying.
What do I mean when I talk about lying though? Remember, we are only exploring how an ex boyfriend can be a jerk by lying here.
Off the top of my head one specific lie that an ex boyfriend can tell really jumps out to me, why you broke up.
I am usually careful about the way I word things on this site so I don’t paint myself in a corner that is impossible to get out of but I think right now right here I am going to paint myself in a corner. You need to assume that your ex boyfriend is lying to you about the real reason he broke up with you.
I know it is a total douche move by us guys but we want to lie to you about breaking up for a very specific reason.
We don’t want to hurt your feelings. Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you that all guys are like this. You may have dated a real big jerk who gets off on seeing you in pain (see the next section) but generally speaking we don’t want to see you in pain.
I am not afraid to admit that I have lied to women about the reason I didn’t like them because I knew if I told them the real reason I didn’t want to be with them it would probably devastate them and they would definitely hate me. That is kind of the beauty of owning a website like this though. I can educate you about these things without hurting anyone’s feelings.
It is sort of like this.
Imagine that you and I have a connection. You like me and I like you. However, when I sit down and think about our relationship and the future of it I just don’t think that you are good looking enough for me (I am a total idiot by the way ;).) Now, something tells me that if I sat you down and said to you “I just don’t think you are good looking enough to date me” it wouldn’t go over too well. So, instead I may lie to you about some insignificant reason.
Now, the reason I used that particular example is because I know for a fact that you ARE good looking enough because at one point your ex boyfriend dated you. However, I figured if you understood the process that goes through a mans mind it could make a few light bulbs go off on why your ex may not be completely honest with you about stuff.
Sixth Jerk Behavior- He Just Wants To See You Suffer
Out of all the behaviors that I have talked about on this page this one is by far the most despicable.
I really debated if I wanted to even include this behavior in this guide because this is pretty dark stuff. However, I figured you deserved to know the truth about things so here it is.
There will be some ex boyfriends that want to see you suffer. Everything they do will be done out of hate just to make you feel horrible about yourself.
Want an example?
Ok, lets say that you and I dated and we had a pretty bad breakup. After the breakup you decide that you don’t really want me back but you do want to remain friends. So, you ask me if we can remain friends and I agree. However, as time goes on I say some very hurtful things to you that leave you crying every day. Now, a normal ex boyfriend might apologize for hurting your feelings but I am not a normal ex boyfriend. Instead, I take pleasure in seeing you in pain though I never verbalize this thought.
Right now I am known as one of the top experts in helping women get their ex boyfriends back. However, THIS is where I draw the line.
A human being who takes pleasure in seeing someone in pain is not worth your time. You shouldn’t ever try to get someone like this back.
So, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is how can you tell if your ex boyfriend is a jerk that likes seeing you in pain?
Don’t worry I have your back here.
He Says Hurtful Things And Doesn’t Apologize
I know this is a pretty childish thing to talk about. As I wrote the title (he says hurtful things and doesn’t apologize) I got this picture of this little girl crying and saying:
“HE WAS MEAN TO MEEE.”
That is not what I am really getting at here. I am talking about an ex boyfriend saying some pretty unforgivable things. The type of things that HE KNOWS will hurt you down to your soul. He says these things to you for one reason.. to see you hurt.
Now, why would he do that?
Well, this is your ex boyfriend remember? We are automatically going to assume that you aren’t going to be on the best of terms with him. Lets say that the two of you had a really bad breakup and he has a lot of anger and emotions at the moment. This anger within him is going to cause him to seek revenge by thinking of the most hurtful thing he can say to you.
Lets hit the pause button for a moment and really study this event.
It is pretty much common sense that people say some really dumb things when they get angry. I am all about forgiveness and I think it is important to understand that when emotions run high logic runs low. I am able to forgive someone if they say something in anger towards me. I understand what it is like to say some very regretful things through anger because I have been there.
However, where I have a problem is when the person shows absolutely no remorse after they say the hurtful thing.
I remember a few years ago I said something really mean to someone out of anger. It was kind of an impulsive thing and I just said it. When I saw how hurt this person was after I said it I immediately felt horrible about myself and went on an apologizing rampage.
An ex boyfriend who is a true jerk won’t show any remorse after he says his hurtful thing. I think it is ok to make a mistake here and there, like an impulsive angry comment, but it is not ok to take pleasure in seeing how that comment can hurt someone.
That is the sign of a true jerk.
I know this hasn’t been one of my normal guides. Usually I give these really long step by step instructions on how to do a certain thing or get your ex to react a certain way. Instead, this guide was all about understanding the complex person that is your ex boyfriend.
I do hope I have given you some helpful insight into his mind and why he may be acting a certain way after your breakup. If you would like more straightforward “how to guides” I suggest you check out some of the following:
- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Guide.
- Understanding Your Ex During No Contact.
- How To Become The Ungettable Girl
I also just wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year (2013.) I wanted to thank all of you for reading, learning and communicating with me throughout 2013. Without you this site would literally be nothing. When I initially wrote the first “guide” on this site I had no idea that it would get the attention that it has gotten. A lot of you comment about how insightful and helpful my guides are to you but the truth is that without you those guides wouldn’t exist. It is through your constant need to understand the mind of a man that I have pushed myself to come up with the best content I can think of.
So really, everything that this site is I owe to you. It is my constant need to provide you with the best content in the world that has made this site great.
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all and I promise I will keep doing my best to deliver the best content I possibly can. If you have any ideas on future guides or any questions about your jerk of a boyfriend 😉 please comment in the comments section below.
I wish you all the best in your lives and hope you have an incredible 2014!