Why Your Ex Boyfriend Acts Like A Jerk

346 thoughts on “Why Your Ex Boyfriend Acts Like A Jerk”

Mona

August 27, 2017 at 7:38 am

Hi EBR team,
I was in a long distance relationship. He stops communicating with me suddenly. Then i used the no contact rule and he called me out of blue and said sorry and he loves me . so i ask him “what do want to do now? when u come to marry me?” he said he can’t tell me when he could come to me or not,cause his parents don’t agree for this relationship but he love me. that seems to me that he don’t want to commit to me and making an excuse for his parents. I cut all communication with him. after that he called me several times but still he couldn’t commit to me…then i got frustrated .I told him don’t call me . Then he again call me but i didn’t respond . Last week he called me more than 80 times but i didn’t respond, he text me that he had something to say important but i did not respond. Last night he text me and show me his all anger,told me he hate me and he don’t want to see my face again and many slung .I wanted to return his all gifts. Now he wants the ring back only which he gave me as a promise ring . he also said he will never come to me cause i show him my ego. In short he didn’t commit to me, he didn’t want to take any initiatives to make this relationship works, i waited for him 3 years,during this time i canceled all other marriage proposals only for him and today he blame me that i am a stubborn girl i show him high attitude(I didn’t wish him on his birthday last week,this one he also make a big issue and he feel hurt,whatever he forgot my birthday all the time) that’s why he hate me and he canceled his flight. i think he bluff me about the ticket .I reply him today that thanks for your this kind of behavior . Right now what should i do and what to say him.I still love him and want him back as my husband but i really don’t understand what he actually wants !! please help me …..give me an advise please .

Mona

August 30, 2017 at 6:01 pm

I want him and I want to marry him .He also said that from the beginning and he never said that he couldn’t marry me . But after 3years ,right now he saying that he needs more time like 5-6 months but he saying this very casually,he didn’t take any initiatives except said that he is trying to convince his parents . he seems so confused ! He knows it very well that if he is not coming very soon,my family will arrange my marriage with another one ! He is my everything but he makes me feel so down so neglected.
From last some days, i felt i have to move on but after a while i felt no no how could i live without him !

please tell me why i feel like this and what can i do to make him committed to me ? (he called me last time ,but we are not talking each other from last 3 days)
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 31, 2017 at 7:25 pm

As they day, actions speak louder than words.. You can’t control other people, that’s why you need to have standards, so that the you can cut off the people who doesn’t fit in it and have the right one stay
Mona

August 28, 2017 at 4:43 am

Thank you Amor. what can i do rihgt now? is there any chance that he make a commitment with me? should i restart the no contact rule again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 28, 2017 at 7:12 pm

You have to be clear on what you really want.. if you really want marriage, the question is, why isn’t he in the same page with you? Are you rushing it? Or it’s really just him not wanting to married? Because if that’s the case, you have to move on. SO, you can start to meet the right guy that is in the same page with you.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 27, 2017 at 2:07 pm

Hi Mona,

if he knows that all you want is marriage, and he doesn’t want that, it means he keeps contacting you because he wants to keep you around, since that’s what he’s used to.

Jennifer

June 14, 2017 at 5:46 am

Hi Im going through a situation as well and would like some help. I feel like Im going crazy its pretty long but here I go. My ex boyfriend broke up with me because someone told him that I had cheated with a friend of mine from middle school. So we called that friend and he denied it because its not true. My ex boyfriend then took my cellphone and msgd my friend and harrassed him into sayig what he wanted to hear that “i had cheated” so he told him he was going to press rape charges on him. My friend was really high at the moment and nervous so he invented that we had kissed which didn’t happen either. Now my ex boyfriend wont talk to mw he blocked me from all social media accounts including phone. He kicked me out from the apt and ripped all my clothes. I dont know ehat to do at this point. My friend said he was willing to say the truth and speak to my ex boyfriend but im not sure if its too soon for that or not. This happened on Sunday and my ex boyfriend messages me everyday he unblocks my number to call me a whore and then blocks me again. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point I really love him and think its very unfair what he is doing just because of a lie.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2017 at 4:57 pm

your friend should talk to him

Anon

May 1, 2017 at 2:25 pm

Hi there! Really, really appreciate the advice you give on this site and would like an opinion on my current situation!
I broke up with my ex as he had started becoming distant, nasty at many times and kept bringing up that he had problems with my past which he previously said he would look past. After a week of NC I called him and basically begged for him to give me a chance. At this point he told me he never loved me, that he liked me and what I did for him but knew we could never be long-term, and he would never ever be in a relationship with me again. He expressed no remorse for saying this and only apologised for me having to “see this side of him”. He said he was sorry for leading me on so far.
He claims he is only looking for marriage now, not “relationships”. I.e possibly something arranged. He said his friend introduced him to a girl who is more marriage material as they share similar views with regards to religion and interests. He said he is getting to know her and is hoping their family can arrange a marriage. Bear in mind that this boy is 20 years old. My friends also think he has a couple screws loose in general haha.
After this episode of him rejecting my multiple attempts to work things out, I did send him a few messages telling him that I missed him etc. which he replied nonchalantly to. The thing is, he would be ‘nice’ to me when we were messaging but as soon as we facetimed he would turn nasty and say hurtful things and brag about his new love interest when I asked about her. Anyway, eventually it got to the point where I was fed up of getting nothing positive from him and attempted to start NC again.
After about 3 days NC he messaged me with a link to a video about religion which I replied “Thanks”. A few days later, he messaged on 2 occasions asking me if I was around university/if I wanted to revise together etc. All of which I sent a polite brief message declining, which he didn’t respond to.
Last night he called me at 11.30pm and again asked if he could come over to mine and revise, whilst still somehow managing to sound a bit distant and rude. I said no as it was late and who starts revising at that time?! After hanging up, he messaged me saying he actually just wanted to cuddle and again asked to come over. I explained that after the horrible things he said/did to me, I really did not want to “cuddle” him. He said that’s fine and that he wasn’t offended by me saying that. He then went on to ask me questions about how I had been sleeping recently (it was late at the time) and how my journey of spirituality has progressed (Before meeting him I was an atheist), which I gave a minimal response to. I did however say that “I had learnt a lot” to which he replied “nothing wrong with sharing knowledge” and I left it at that.
Are all of these messages “breadcrumbs”? I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t want to get back together after what he said and his lack of apology. He more just misses the company/likes the ego boost. I have not initiated any contact with him at all since. Should I completely ignore him to make him really miss me more or carry on replying to his messages? I would ideally like to make things work, but am worried he will just continue to use me and lead me on.
Sorry this is so long
Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 2, 2017 at 5:58 pm

proceed to no contact instead because you’re more likely to be friendzoned if you keep talking to him

Hannah

April 26, 2017 at 2:14 am

Hello,

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, and ever since the break up he’s been nothing but a jerk towards me and putting me down as if I was a terrible girlfriend even though I did everything for him in the relationship and treated him loads better than his exes before me, I was also with him the longest(almost a year) the rest he was only with a few months. But I just don’t understand why he’s being such a douche towards me when I don’t deserve it and at one point I was the best thing to ever happen to him and he supposedly still loves me though we’ve broken up? People say if I stop talking to him a few days he should soon realise what a mistake he’s made but I don’t know if he will? It’s all just confusing

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 29, 2017 at 10:00 pm

if you’re going to do the no contact rule do at least 3 weeks or maybe 30 days and be very active in improving yourself and in posting in social media.

Tania

February 12, 2017 at 10:11 am

Hi, sorry I don’t speak English that much, I’m French and this message will be long but I beg you to please read and help me out because I’m so lost right now. I’m having a hard times lately, I have this guy we work with and were very close friends, he started to show interest to me but I wasn’t interested, because it was continuously I naturally started liking him back and wanted a relationship with him. He understood that I want him back by how we was talking but he the behaved like he doesn’t want me any longer. So I asked him for out for a date to talk he refused, I actually did that 3 times and he rejected both. Now I decided to text him and explain to him the reason why I wasn’t interested when he wanted me back then and the only reason was ” I wasn’t ready for a relationship” and he was someone that I just met. He liked me a week after he starts working there. After me opening to him he stopped talking to me. He shows hates towards me. We used to go back same bus but this guy will prefer to take the next bus so that we don’t go same road, he had all other this girls that liked him so much, before he was avoiding them but now everyone knows we don’t talk at all, this guy will flirt with those girls in front of me and whenever he does that he always look at me. He will go on his Facebook and post this status to just make me feel bad. He lately posted that he was making love with his baby mama and their child saw them doing it and she started crying.., while he told me they weren’t together… In fact he uses all his power to make me feel bad. So after his Facebook post, a week after I posted a picture of me and this new guy that likes me and I custom made only him and few friends can see that picture. He went to tell his friend at work and his friend came to tell me. Since then, this guy double his energy to make sure I’m uncomfortable at work, like on break he goes sit with the girls especially this married woman that clearly show her interest to him etc… They will start talking loud and lough to just get everyone’s attention. And the funny thing is they will be doing that and looking at me which upset me the most in my heart but I try to stay cool and mind my own business, but now I don’t know what to do as I’m so hurt. That was my best friend that I cared so much for. All other those girls liked him because they saw I like him. Not bragging myself but people find me very attractive at work and men from every race always compliment me and he knows it how men always want me at that company. I’d say at least 60% of single men there want me but I always never interested. I like him though but I think he’s very immature and the things he does hurt me so much, I don’t know how to cope with this. Do I quit the job or what? Because i feel lost and miserable. Any help will be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2017 at 8:13 pm

Hi Tania,

take a leave of absence and have a vacation.. Don’t make big decisions just because of a guy but if you really can’t work after that and it’s affecting your day to day activities, secure another job first before leaving your current one..check this link too:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2017 at 11:58 am

sorry for the typo in the last message, I meant he has to think you’re not affected..

well, now is not the right time to get back with him because he’s being like that
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 24, 2017 at 1:16 pm

It’s either you’re right or he thinks you’re still into him and just wants you to move on.. Either case, he has to think you’re that affected by him anymore and that you’re moving on. Because if he wants you back, he will not be able to resist and tell you. If he doesn’t want you back, and he’s sure you’ve moved on, especially if you’ve improved, then he will be more open to start as friends again.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 23, 2017 at 4:50 pm

Hi Robyn,

you haven’t contacted him, so you mean you’re going to do the no contact rule?
Haley

January 19, 2017 at 11:53 pm

So, we weren’t consider dating cause he asked me out but then like 3 days later we called it off. But I’m wondering now about this. The thing i’m wondering is why do guys act stupid? Like for example, Like I don’t know weather to say I still like him or not but he pulled his house keys out and he did this the day before, he whipped them at me and I heard him saying something like “revenge”. What does this possible mean?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 21, 2017 at 2:24 pm

Hi Haley,

why? how long are you seeing each other?

Sandy

January 13, 2017 at 4:45 pm

Hi,
Me and my ex broke up for 1 year because at that time I was so needy like he said. Last month we got back as friends on FB, he told me that he doesn’t want a relationship, and he doesn’t want to love or be loved by any girl. I accepted that and we remained friends. He kept on giving me hot & cold behaviors and I did the same with him because I don’t want him to feel that I still love him. Until last week we got into fight over a silly topic, he asked me whether i’m seeing someone or not, I told him nope i’m not seeing anyone. It wasn’t the fisrt time he asked me this, he asked me 2 times before. So last week I told him I don’t have a new bf, he acted like he didn’t believe me and ignored my msgs. After two hours he changed his status to ‘in relationship’ with one of his female friends that have crush on him. I was like what’s going on?!!! even my friends saw it and they were shocked. He never told me that he’s seeing that girl, and out of sudden he is in relationship with her?! he started putting love quotes and tag that girl on his posts (he was being so childish). I tried to act normal, I didn’t like his posts or anything, no reaction from me at all. After 5 days, he changed the status from in relationship to single, I was like wtf!??? by the way, he didn’t text me at all during the past week, so I decided to msg him. I asked him if there is something going on with him cuz he didn’t text me at all, and I explained that i’m not in relationship if that what made him angry. He replayed with “nothing is going on, its just you making a big fuss over nothing, and I was joking all the time. if you don’t want me to joke around then I’ll stop :)” I told him that wasn’t a joke becuz he made me feel like he was angry with me. He repeated that it was nothing then ignored me. I didn’t say anything more. Maybe he moved on? maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? but he always made me feel special, but after him questioning me whether I found new guy or not, he changed.
I decided to do NCR on him, maybe after that he will start missing me. Why do you think my ex is acting like that? Any advice? Thank you.

Sandy

January 15, 2017 at 7:47 am

Thanks Amore.
So is it right to do no contact rule on him?
I already started it. I stopped being active on FB.
I want him to miss me and look for me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2017 at 6:38 pm

yup..but be active in improving yourself too
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 13, 2017 at 5:18 pm

Hi Sandy,

either he’s using reverse psycholofy or he’s just being possessive..

Natalie

December 16, 2016 at 2:14 pm

I followed the steps for the 30 plan like it was my bible and recently my Ex and I hung out and it was really fun.
But then I asked him how he was doing on the dating side and he said he said he has zero plans on dating or being in a relationship.
But I couldn’t hold it and i told him I missed him and i wanted us to talk about how we could work again.

He was shocked and said he didn’t know what he should say so I told him think about it.

A couple days later he texted me and said he missed us and they way we took care of each other but he didn’t want a relationship and he didn’t want to give me false hope so to quote him “I want to but I cant” was the answer.

At that point I felt like I had let it all go and I couldn’t be straddled along anymore.

For months he had me there anytime he needed guidance and he said he wanted be his own person but he never took the steps to let me go fully.

So when I said alright so now i know and ill back away 100% so that I can move on, lets not have a relationship of any kind from today.

then He explained his message was to discuss more than a final answer… What did he mean by this?

But there was no hesitation in the message, he just wanted me as a emotional support friend..

Am i making the right decision to walk away?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 19, 2016 at 5:24 am

Hi Natalie,

yes, because you dont have the same interest.. and staying wilk more likely put you in the friendzone..

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 19, 2016 at 1:16 pm

maybe he’s trying to talk you to see if you’re past what happened and then tey to be friends again..
Dm

May 23, 2016 at 7:57 am

So my ex and I met a year ago. We dated all of last summer… At first kind of casually, but by the end we had met each other’s kids (at his request), I had met all of his family and he had tried to meet mine (out of state) but it hasn’t worked out so well… Bottom line we had become much closer. I’m a guarded person naturally so I have to admit that while always being happy to see him etc I may not have expressed to him what he meant to me. End of summer – my birthday- we go out with some friends. Note: he had lost his job a few weeks before we met. We come home from my birthday outing and as we’re walking into the building, he stops and very seriously tells me that he wants us to get an apartment together… “That he will always be there for me, always take care of me.” My unfortunate drunken reaction was to dance around him singing “get a job get a job get a job”. I’m an adult woman, im embarrassed this happened. I recovered though and told him that I was sure we would live together soon. We went upstairs, got into bed and as we got started ahem I said “I love you”… I know I took him by surprise, his eyes bugged out for a second and then he said I love you too. I had to leave in the morning early (my kid) so I ran out. He called me later that night wanting to come over (Labor Day weekend so he was drunk)… I said he couldn’t and that I couldn’t go to him either. My mom was in town, I was sleeping on the couch… It would’ve been a mess. So he says ok and good night but calls back and breaks up with me. Says he loves me but he is also still in love with his kids mom and that he is just not ready and doesn’t know what to do. Again, he’s drunk so this is ongoing and while we didn’t fight, I did cry. He fell asleep on the phone and I left him a text saying I was sorry it was over and that I wish him the best. Two weeks of silence on both ends after that and I get a call… Asking me if I can forgive him. We spoke that night, nothing certain came out of it but I went to him and we slept together. Supposed to see each other the next night, it didn’t work out and after that we just didn’t speak again. I waited 30 days and text him about a movie we both liked-no response. So I gave up. Three months passed and I still missed him so I texted him wishing him a merry Christmas. He called me a couple of hours later and we spoke for 4 hours just catching up. We tried to get together for New Years at his request but it fell through- his fault. Finally a month later, we got together. Spent a night just talking and kissing. We started seeing each other again. At first every couple weeks, then every week then our kids schedules changed and we were back to every two. A couple times he asked me to stay over for a week, we tried to take a weekend way together and ll this time he is without a job btw, but ultimately due to either his or my schedule with the kids, it didn’t work out and at first we weren’t ready for time with the kids and then I was ready but he wasn’t. As things felt like they were getting more serious between us. I was spending more and more time with his brother and sister and parents. Since getting back together, I had been trying to be there for him more, give more of myself not be so guarded. I’ve had to take him to the hospital, help his brother get to the airport, sent a cab to pick him up in freezing temperatures when the train wasn’t working, etc… So, in keeping with that, I decided to offer my help in terms of a job. A friend of mine was able to call in a favor and it has worked out. He got the job one month ago. He was ecstatic and grateful and as its a construction job and he hasn’t had any money, I took him shopping to buy boots, socks and a few tools he might need. Two weeks ago, I went to a birthday party. Got a call from him at 2am to come to the bar he was at (we’re not alcoholics just big beer drinkers who like to hang out). So I go over to find him mostly passed out in a chair. I have a couple of beers and then we walk out to catch a cab. He trips adorably and I say “omg I love you” (only the third time I ever say this, I didn’t describe the 2nd time above sorry). And he says “don’t love me, I’d rather you hate me than love me.” And then goes into a rant “you’re so ready and I’m not ready” “I don’t want to hurt you ever” “any man that has ever left you is a fool” “you’re the best thing that has ever come into my life and I want you badly badly but I’m not ready”. I kept it cool, reminded myself that he was drunk and asked him calmly if he wanted me to leave…”do you want to leave?” “No” “then stay” so we walked into the building where he grabbed me and kissed me. We got upstairs and I told him that I love him very much whether he wants to hear it or not and to please just not push me away. He said I would never do that, I want you badly. And we made love. Next day cuddled and talked as usual and then I came home. But I texted his sister that day and told her that I was scared, that he is scared and that that scares me. He seemed fine for a few days but then he didn’t respond to my texts for 4 days (not that strange, he shuts down when he’s stressed) but I was upset by it lol. Then we texted good mornings to each other and again next day stopped responding this time for 6 days. I was admittedly freaking out, saw a picture of him on Mother’s Day with his sons mom and called him. Asked him if he was sleeping with someone else, he said no (which I believe, it’s not in keeping with his character), asked him if he was getting back with his ex, he said no, I said ok and thank you and bye. Later that night I get a call from his sister. He never picked up his kids from school that day and no one had heard from him since the afternoon where he texted both moms saying he couldn’t make it. And his phone was off… His sister was panicking. I didn’t know what to think. Turns out he was at a bar, got drunk and went home late. Totally out of character, he doesn’t drink on weekdays. I called next day, no answer but he’s been posting ridiculous hurtful immature crap to Facebook. Females always freak out over nothing… The better you treat someone the more you get hurt… Rip to all the relationships that didn’t work out, the best of it was me… And “current relationship status” with a meme of Homer Simpson rolling over and patting the empty bed next to him happily. I haven’t done anything to hurt him, I’ve been there for him, bee old to him…, I guess asking him if he was sleeping around maybe, but this is definitely all geared towards me. He hasn’t spoken to me all week. I text him asking if we could talk even if he doesnt want to be with me just so I understand what happened, what went wrong and if I did anything, no response. Yes, I know I need to go into no contact, immediately. I figured that out already. I just don’t really understand what happened, if he hates me and why, or if this is just the worst kind of fear taking over him… (He was with his sons mom for seven years, he proposed in front of both his children and she said no, and she punched him in front of their son on a separate occasion… I know he’s got baggage… So do I). Will he ever be ready with me or is it just that he doesn’t want me specifically? And is 30 days enough? I don’t want to fall into a cycle here… I want to give him the time and space he needs to well realize that I love him and won’t hurt him and space to think about whether or not he loves me. I want a real future here not another three great months and then boom.

Dm

November 7, 2016 at 4:17 am

I figured I should give him space in between chats so it doesn’t feel like I’m just wanting to be his gf all over again… what’s the appropriate amount of time to wait between text conversations or should I wait and let him initiate the next conversation?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 7:07 pm

give it 15-30 minutes before replying.. It’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is you end the conversation in high point
Dm

November 6, 2016 at 7:34 pm

well we’ve spoken quite a bit this week (his own doing) and even spent an afternoon together because he needed my help picking a suit for himself. He sent me pics from his cousins sweet 16 last night. How can I tell if he’s flirting or just trying to be my friend? I have tried light flirting… told him he looked amazing last night, etc…. he just responded “lol” and sent another pic later. I can’t even tell if he has a girlfriend or not. He hasn’t mentioned her and Facebook isn’t helpful either.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 6, 2016 at 11:14 pm

well if he has a gf, he’ll mention it eventually if you keep talking.. Right now, it’s too early to say if he’s friendzoning you.. What’s important is you can use this time to build rapport and attraction because you’re just starting out as friends now, you’re not friendzoned yet.
Dm

November 5, 2016 at 1:47 pm

My ex texted me again on Monday about the possible job. I responded and we had what was probably the first real conversation we had since our breakup six months ago. He texted me again that night but then dropped his phone in the sink. Tuesday we texted about setting up an interview. Wednesday he called me after the interview and we spoke on the phone for a bit. He asked me for another favor… needs help buying a suit for his cousins sweet 16. I know i look like an idiot for helping but it wasn’t without me first freaking out on the phone and telling him “what am I a sugar mama” and that I felt used…. i then texted him back after the call and said sorry for over reacting and that I knew he wouldn’t use me like that and he said it was ok and that he really appreciates my help so I said “you’re welcome i got you” and he said “lol ” which freaked me out a little but i played it off with a hubba hubba joke. More than anything I offered to help because I want to see where it goes. We met up Thursday and spent 2.5 hours shopping together. He didn’t stop talking from the moment we met up. And when I tried to speed him up a little he said “sorry I just want to catch you up on everything that’s been going on” which he did. He quit smoking. He’s been working a lot actually. And struggling with his unwell father and complications with the kids. No mention of any girlfriend. Not that I expected him to mention anything. And he hugged me tight and lifted me off the ground when we said our goodbyes and promised to send me pics in his suit. Overall though I can’t tell if he’s just trying to be my friend. He’s supposed to send me the pics tonight and I’m hoping to respond with something lightly flirty. How can I tell if he has a girlfriend? How can I tell if he just wants to be my friend?
DM

October 31, 2016 at 1:55 pm

We broke up almost 6 months ago now. “He wasn’t ready”. I did 40 days no contact, during which time he tried calling me and texting me and I didn’t answer. After that, i texted him politely and while he responded… we didn’t really talk to each other. Just a few polite texts. Another month passed and I found out that he’d been reaching out to me around the time his dad had gone to hospital. And his dad was again back in the hospital, so I went to visit his dad and texted him my apology for not having answered and been there for him when it all first happened. I checked his Facebook at this point and discovered that he has a girlfriend (this was over a month ago now). A few days later, he texted me asking for help with a speeding ticket. I helped him and then did what was suggested to me to see if it is a rebound relationship. I texted him a week later and got no response. I waited two weeks and tried again and no response and then as a final effort, I tried one last text two more weeks after that and no response. I decided to give up and move on. None of those texts were in any way clingy or about “us”. But then 2 days ago, almost 3 weeks after I sent that last text, he texted me asking if I knew of any available jobs (I helped him find a job once before while we were dating). I took the opportunity to make the conversation as friendly as possible… I asked how he is, let him know I’d ask around about possible opportunities, asked about his dad’s health and when he said “you’re the best” I responded with a rolling my eyes emoticon and “Sure lol”. I haven’t decided whether to actually help him yet since I don’t know if this is an excuse to talk to me or if he just needs a job and figures i can help him. I can’t tell for sure, but I think he’s still with the new girlfriend (although, he’s tagged her in fewer and fewer posts as time has passed). I figure, if it is an excuse to talk to me, he probably expects me to jump on this and start texting him all the time about it, so maybe I should not do that and instead be aloof… not text him right away and give him the opportunity to text me again himself to follow up and see what he says then. Is this the wrong time to be aloof? Bad play?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 1, 2016 at 11:53 am

The bottomline is, he still has a gf..so you need to be careful.. It’s ok to be friendly..just dont expect much
Dm

September 26, 2016 at 12:30 pm

A) what if he ignores my text?; B) what if he tells me he has a girlfriend?; C) what if he tries at some point to talk to me about his problems (not hat there are any right now) with his girlfriend?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 1:26 pm

If he doesn’t reply, wait a week to try again. If he doesn’t, wait a two weeks, if he still doesn’t, that means it’s really time to move on.
If he has a girlfriend, then ok, don’t make a big deal, just don’t be too forward so, you won’t appear like you’re trying to get him back. Remember, you’re just being friendly so, him having a girlfriend and asking your about her should not be a big deal.
Dm

September 25, 2016 at 10:52 am

I did no contact for over 30 days. He called three times and texted twice asking me for help during that period of time. I broke no contact at 37 days because he left me a mean voicemail just to tell him that I wasn’t sure what he was expecting from me after how he treated me. He stopped contacting me after that so two weeks after that incident, i texted him to wish his dad a happy birthday. Neither he nor I reached out to each other after that. A month after that I texted his sister wishing her a happy birthday, 2 weeks later she wished me a happy birthday and in that text convo I found out that his dad had gone to there hospital right around when he had been trying to reach me 2 months prior. I went to visit his dad in the hospital and texted my ex my apology for not being there for him. 4 days after that he sent me a speeding ticket asking me if I could help him find out how much his fine is, which I did. Haven’t heard from him since but did hear from his friend a few days after that which I still don’t fully understand. He’s been dating his new gf for the past one month. So, just to recap at this point I should let him reach out to me and be cool if he does, correct? I shouldn’t be chasing him or trying to contact him, right?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 3:53 pm

Ah, it’s ok to initiate contact, just don’t initiate talking about the relationship. It’s ok to be friendly. Just don’t be too forward.
Dm

September 24, 2016 at 4:02 pm

Should I be ignoring him if he tries to contact me or should I talk to him but avoid talking about “us”?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 8:47 am

The us topic should really avoided if there is no rapport because that’s the last thing he wants to talk about if he broke up with you and avoided you, especially if he has a girlfriend. If you’re done with no contact, it’s ok to talk to him.
Dm

September 23, 2016 at 1:50 am

So I’m certain now that he has a new gf. He tags her in almost every post on his Facebook page. We’re not friends on Facebook. I’ve read the posts about how basically it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance. She could just be a rebound. He seems really excited about her though… like he was at the beginning with me. How do I know if I even have a chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 23, 2016 at 6:26 pm

If they’re in the honeymoon period now, he won’t show much signs.. The only sign that can show is if he still tries to talk to you when you ignore him
Dm

September 18, 2016 at 11:38 am

Why would my ex text me for help with a speeding ticket? And, last night his friend messaged me via Facebook in the wee hours of the morning (same time my ex would call me when he was getting home from a night out to talk to me before bed). He asked me what I was up to and when I said going to bed, he said I could talk to him tomorrow or whenever I wanted. So I responded and said that I always had fun with him and the guys and would like to be friends but that anything more is off limits and that i would never disrespect my ex or his (who I also know) in that way. He said of course duh, but i don’t really understand the intention then. This friend lives in the same building, one floor above my ex.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 2:07 pm

hmm..either it was just a coincidence becauee they know you’ll probably reply because you’re awake, or he’s testing you or worse is, they tried a booty call
Dm

September 15, 2016 at 12:33 am

So it turns out he was trying to call me two months ago because his dad went into the hospital… I just found out from his sister this past weekend… I sent my ex my apologies for not answering his calls via text and let him know that I was going to go visit his parents in the hospital… He didn’t respond, but I went and took food and flowers. I ran into two of his friends on my way out… We said hello and one of them, one who has always been close to my ex, was acting what I thought was very weird with me and kept asking me repeatedly if I had seen my ex or if I was on my way to see my ex… I said that I had to run to do errands and he then told me that they are at Bar X every Friday and every Saturday and that I should come by. Now… I think my ex is dating someone… Not sure of course. But this morning my ex texted me asking me for help looking something up online (yes he has a computer and a smartphone and he is capable of doing this on his own although I will say that this particular thing was difficult for me to figure out). Why would his friend act like that with me? Especially if my ex is seeing someone new?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 18, 2016 at 11:05 am

don’t jump into conclusions yet.. for all we know, his friends might be just expecting you to see your ex..
Dm

July 23, 2016 at 12:05 pm

If you mess up after no contact, how do you start over or repair the damage? For example, I did no contact for 42 days. During which time, he called me 3 times (at day 22, and x2 at day 41) and texted at 40 days. My first response was to text him that I didn’t understand what he was expecting from me after the way he treated me. After that he responded just saying he wanted to see if I could help him, which I ignored. A week and a half later, I texted him asking how his dad’s birthday was, he responded and I asked him to send his dad my love. I feel like I was too harsh with my first response and should’ve been more laid back in order to pull off this ungettable girl look. I was trying to repair that by asking about his dad. Any tips on how to pull off looking laid back, fun and carefree?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 23, 2016 at 2:33 pm

actually that was a normal.. so chill..just don’t do it again
Dm

July 20, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Is this the point in time when I’m supposed to be the “ungettable girl”? This is the one part of the recovery program that I don’t fully understand… If he messed up (I am not sure how much), when do we talk about what happened? (keep in mind, he didn’t tell me it was over, just avoided me). so when should I expect some form of apology: (1) before I consider responding to him or… (2) While I’m ungettable… (3) Or never?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 21, 2016 at 7:02 pm

it depends in the guy.. but mostly when he feels most dafe to say it.. when he sees you’re not that emotional anymore
Dm

June 30, 2016 at 1:51 pm

Does it mean anything that he stopped posting on social media the same night that photos were posted of me out? Or am I looking for meaning in meaningless places? Does it mean anything that he only called once and left no message and hasn’t called again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 1:00 pm

if he’s an avid social media user, then that can mean he’s avoiding to see your posts.
Dm

June 25, 2016 at 1:11 pm

Just an update: I’m at 28 days no contact. And…. A) I realized that those sheets…. Were the new sheets that had been on his floor for a few weeks. B) since my last post he started posting all sorts of inane memes about partying, being single, etc…. But no actual pictures of him with other girls. I went out a couple of weeks ago and ran into a mutual friend… Took pics with her which she then posted. He hasn’t made one post to Facebook since that night. Also, he’s no longer friends on Facebook with his ex… The one I was concerned with. Further…. I haven’t been Facebook stalking I promise. I just looked at it this week for the first time in 20-some days because he called me a week ago… On Father’s Day, late at night. I didn’t answer, no voicemail and no text. I’ve been hoping he’ll try again… I know I’m almost at 30 days…. But because he did such a number on me…. Is it wrong if I give it more time to see if he tries again? I miss him terribly just feel I need to assert my self worth… Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 11:10 am

it’s ok to take your time if it helps you to be more emotionally stable.
Dm

June 1, 2016 at 6:09 pm

What if we go thirty days no contact and he hasn’t even tried to contact me once? i know the answer is that at that point I have a decision to make about what I want… I’m just very hurt by his behavior right now. I’m not even sure I can actually forgive him more for not speaking to me, for just ignoring me than anything else. It all hurts, but that hurts more than anything else. Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 2:30 am

nope you didn’t break no contact.. actually that’s one of the right moves.. He has to see those posts.. You will only be breaking no contact if you had a small talk with him or about feelings or relationships.
Dm

May 28, 2016 at 6:35 pm

And another dog filter picture in bed, I don’t recognize the sheets. This is going great.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 29, 2016 at 2:21 pm

ok, you’ve done enough.. You need to start the 30 days now.. be strong in it and don’t break it, unless he really says he wants to make up and work everything out..but don’t do it too soon..let him prove it first
Dm

May 28, 2016 at 11:18 am

Things have changed a bit. I got a call from his new boss yesterday. He’s been acting up at work, on the phone all the time, most likely with a woman from what his boss was able to tell me and then was found sleeping in the truck while on a job… His boss was asking me for advice… To fire or not to fire. I told him I couldn’t give him that advice but that I appreciate the heads up and that I would also be speaking to him about his behavior at work because he can end things with me but I won’t let him throw his life away… Called his sister hoping she would be able to warn him before his boss spoke to him but he didn’t pick up her call so I called and left him a long angry voicemail, nothing insulting just facts. That I got this call, that this is what I heard and that if he doesn’t want to f*** up his whole life he needs to get it together. I then went to happy hour where I became a total text gnat on purpose. He didn’t answer once but I basically told him that he needs to stop acting like people don’t care bout him because they do and stop acting like he’s worthless because he’s not. That whoever this woman he’s speaking to is doesn’t care about him if she’s on the phone with him all day, all she cares about is the attention he’s giving her right now. And that I get it, he wants me to hate him right now because it’ll make it easier for him emotionally but that i don’t hate him and I won’t. And that when he’s ready to accept that regardless if our relationship is over I still care about him and will not give up on him and will not stand by while he destroys himself, I will be here to help him through whatever. I tried to go to his home to speak in person but he wasn’t there. He posted a picture of himself with dog ears and a dog nose with the caption “when you start to accept that this is what you are..” I guess I sounded like I was barking orders to a puppy to him… Maybe I did. Maybe he needs to know someone cares enough to yell at him via text and in person and whatever it takes. I don’t know. Any thoughts? Or have I left the realm of ex recovery? I’m in ex saving mode!
Dm

May 26, 2016 at 1:01 pm

Obviously, I can’t be sure… But it seems like too much of a coincidence to me that I ask him if he was sleeping with someone else or getting back with her and that same night he decides to go to a bar and next day starts posting this stuff. Plus when his sister called me to find out where he was that night, she had already spoken to his ex and she said the only message she had gotten from him all day was a text asking her to pick up their son. So it just seems unlikely that any of it is geared towards her. As an update, he hasn’t responded or reached out to me at all and I have not contacted him either. Just in this first week, the time to think has helped me realize a few things that I want to see change if we get back together… Nothing terrible, but definitely some things I’ve been overlooking. I miss him very much, but I think knowing that I have been good to him has given me a sort of peace. Any advice would be appreciated… I do want us to be together just not at the detriment of either party. I think he needs this time to really consider what he wants in his life.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 26, 2016 at 12:46 pm

Hi Dm,

Are you sure if it’s really about you? What if it’s about his ex wife becauae they’re talking too?

Tao Tao

April 16, 2016 at 3:20 am

Hi Chris,
I broke up with my ex in September because he was a jerk to me. I asked him to move out in July, and we were supposed to try to fix the relationship, take things slow, have fun date nights and seek help for communication issues in the relationship. But during the living appart period, he had no time to do any of theses things and was supper disrespectfull to me so I ended things. Until today, he was a complete jerk to me, he was still angry that i ended the relationship. So since Febuary, we didn’t contacted eachother. But today he offered to do something very nice for me. I know he as a new girlfriend, but what does his gesture mean? He has moved on or he was to reconnect with me?
Thanks for your reply 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 18, 2016 at 5:06 am

Hi Tao Tao,

if he has a new girlfriend, maybe he just wants to end things in a good way with you?

Beth

December 23, 2015 at 4:52 pm

We were about to get married, and one day out of the blue, he sent a Whatsapp message to break up. He was on a trip, and didn´t leave me his hotel number, so it´s not like I could call, but I believe he should´ve. He had been living in another state for work. He took my car there.
The trip he was on, while we broke up, was also about 30 days, so I thought I would ask him for the car back when he came back.
The only time he made contact was when he wanted to take our dog. He said his mom would pick him up, and she took him while I was at work, and couldn´t really do much.
30 days pass. We both have family on another state (which is not where we lived together, and is not where he is working now) So I sent a text asking if he was visiting them for christmas, and politely asking for my stuff back. May I remind you that I´m not asking for CDs and a few shirts. He had my car, furniture, TV, and my favorite guitar. I just wanted the car and the guitar. He didn´t respond, so I left it at that, and wait.
Days pass, I remind him that when I left the house we shared where I live now (which is his) was left clean, with all payments made (by me) etc. and that I was hoping he could return my stuff with the same good will.
He responded that he was on a trip again, and that he could come back on February to give me my stuff back.

Now, he wasn´t such a jerk while we were together. Is he gonna be like this forever? If so, I don´t want him back, but I still want to get my car and my guitar. I don´t have a key to his home there, but I do have keys to the car. Is it wrong if I just go and take the car? would he give me my guitar back?
Does this all qualify as being a jerk?
Also, may I add that I don´t think he´s really on a trip.
I mean, breakup a years long relationship via whatsapp, then not have any kind of discussion regarding living arrangements, taking the dog while I was away and expecting me to wait for two months to get my car back is sort of being a jerk, isn´t it?
Also consider that I never cheated, never disrespected him, and he just “fell out of love”. He proposed, I didn´t push him or anything, but then he got scared. He broke up with me the week before the wedding.
My question is:
I know I´m supposed to be upbeat and have positive interactions, I haven´t been gnatting I´ve been polite, but how can I have positive interactions while he acts like this? Am I supposed to just suck it in, and let him have the car parked in another state for months while I take the bus? What should I do?

Even if I reinitiate No Contact, I need at least the car before that (It´s mine, I paid for it, I had it before I met him, it´s not like I´m stealing, I didn´t ask for any money even though I had invested a fair amount on his house either).
I know my contact this time was not positive, and mostly failed, because nobody wants to give a car back, I guess. I don´t want to just let him get his way and start being super nice, while he´s being such a jerk. Is there any way for me to get my stuff back without proceeding legally?
Ashley

December 16, 2015 at 3:09 pm

Hello, Chris. I have a question for you about jerks. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me a month ago. I immediately started doing NC (I also bought your ebook for further guidance) and did not break it for 30 days. He said the reason he broke up with me was our relationship got boring and lost it’s passion, regardless of the fact I was the “best girlfriend he ever had”, he was “still very attracted to me”, and he “really cared for me” (we had a very long honeymoon phase and a space issue a for the last few weeks prior to the break up was the first issue we had…although I didn’t know it was going on and he never told me). Prior to the break-up, a close relative of mine died. He told me he used the death to “test” me to see if I would fight with him (not sure if that was to prove there was passion or to make it easier to break up with me). He decided to break up with me as soon as I got back from the funeral (talk about kicking someone when they are down). Considering things were wonderful before then, I didn’t want to let the whole relationship go, so I went into the 30 days of NC to give him space to think things over and to give me some time to heal and reconnect with myself. After the 30 days (which he never connected me during), I decided to contact him via text (can’t say I’m really fond of that form of communication as its hard to put things into context). I sent him a message asking to get a few items I left at his house that I wanted back prior to winter break (we are both grad students). He responded slowly (12+ hours) and in a jerk-like fashion. I didn’t over text (it was a 1:1 ratio), but was annoyed over the course of two days of texting that he wasn’t giving me a time to get my stuff. Finally, frustrated, I asked why he couldn’t be decent about this considering how cruelly he broke up with me. Then a text messaging fight ensued (he was very responsive during this period). He claimed he didn’t owe me anything and he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me because I was “being aggressive”. We never fought during our relationship, so it’s not like he had come to expect a fight every time we communicated. I know I didn’t follow your guide with your recommended texts (but honestly, I’m not the kind of person who would write those kind of text messages…they just felt so out of character and forced), but obviously I botched things. But I guess I am more interested in getting some perspective on his behavior (and I’ve ask some guy friends about this and they don’t think his behavior makes sense). Why act like a jerk to me when I gave him space after the break up? Why act like a jerk when I didn’t cheat, manipulate, deceive, or “go crazy” on him? Why act like a jerk about something as simple as getting my stuff back from his house? And what is my next step?
Alice

December 14, 2015 at 9:11 pm

Hi Chris, my ex who I dated for 11 months has gotten back with his old ex girlfriend who cheated on him before and who he dated on and off freshmen and sophomore year about a week after I had broken up with him. I begged for him back the day after the breakup because I knew it was wrong and I was still fully in love with him. He told me no of course.
Now she and him post pictures of each other together all over social media and it kills me, I have tried no contact but I have broken it many times and asked him to be honest with me as to why he didn’t want to get back and he just wouldn’t answer me despite texting me for a while after the relationship ended and asked me about a guy friend I had went out with one night.

I texted him telling him how disappointed I was in him and how much I felt like I hated him, I was angry when I said all those things but I never meant it. His girlfriend texted me telling me to stop talking to him and that he was with her and not me for a reason and he isn’t going to come back so get over it. He texted me later that day telling me he didn’t see a future with me and just lost feelings and to stop talking to him and “If I want to talk to you I will.”

Its completely awful right now, we dated and were perfectly happy for 11 months and friends for 5 and everything was wonderful I had never loved another person like I did him and he was such a sweetheart to me in everyway, I broke up with him over a stupid dispute with his parents who never like anyone who goes out with. Everything said about her was bad when we met, even when his friends talked about her… I don’t understand at all what is going on.
(He is 17 and I am 18.)

Now I don’t know what to do… I feel he hates me now.
Please help?
JJ

December 11, 2015 at 2:49 am

Okay so my ex and I had a really bad breakup. The relationship became very toxic and he decided to end things. I was very upset but he was all over social media.. Posting pictures with a bunch of girls all over him, alcohol, and etc. (And he created a Twitter account and followed me with the picture, with the girls all over him, as his profile picture). He texted me two days after the breakup and asked me if we could be friends.. I told him that I wasn’t ready for that yet and I began the no contact rule. I have a class with him so I see him everyday. I would just ignore him and try to focus on myself. He would talk about how happy he was and he would smile all the time.. And he would like all of my pictures and follow me on social media even if I unfollowed him. It made me upset but I kept moving. Then a few weeks later I decided that I was ready to be friends with him.. He told me he wanted to take it slow. So the next few days he would say hey and smile at me.. He then posted a picture with a new girl. I was SO upset but I didn’t react. Instead I went on a frozen yogurt date with a new guy. When he found out, he didn’t say hey to me, He just looked really angry. (Even though just the day before he was smiling and acting like everyday was the best day of his life.) He completely ignored me and so I just continued on with my day. Then I walked into the class we have together and he stared at me (without even looking away at all) from the moment I walked in until I walked all the way across the classroom to sit down. I felt so uncomfortable. I’m just very confused because why would he say hey everyday and smile at me then after I post a picture with a guy he stops saying hey and angrily walks past me????? I’m just very confused with this entire situation.. 🙁 It all sounds so juvenile but it’s confusing……I understand that maybe he got jealous but is that really all?
Lisa Luo-xu

November 26, 2015 at 8:35 am

So me and my second ex boyfriend been friends since highschool. We have been friends for for years. Suddenly he confessed to me his feelings and ask me to date him. So I agreed and we only dated once. The next day he dumps me. I feel very hurt and I am wondering if he used me . He has not called at all to check on me and only my first ex calls me to check on me which I Don’t get.My second ex still hss feelings for his first Ex girlfriend and my first ex dated for a few months he dated me only after two months of getting to know me. I broke up with my first boyfriend because I have felling for the second ex since he dated my best friend . Even though I broke up with my first ex my first ex wants me back. I have told him to move on a few times before. I told him to break the chain a couple of times. I am wondering if my second ex asks me to get back together with him again should I give him another chance? He has been acting werid like he won’t even talk about his feelings to me. It’s totally bizarre be cause before all this drama happened he was fine. He use to call me and be like let’s go hang out or can you come see me? I wish that would happen but it has changed. Did I do something wrong or is it him ? All I give people ate fake smiles and all I feel is emptiness and I am slowly fading away I need some advice or answers because I don’t get my second ex.

Lisa Luo-xu

November 26, 2015 at 8:38 am

I have been praying for answers so can you give me advice be cause I don’t know what to do any more. It’s like my second ex does not care about me. I feel like he only thinks about himself and not me.

hannah

October 17, 2015 at 10:11 am

hey chris,
i was wondering if you could please give me some advice,
my boyfriend and i so we broke up for a day, because of his family reasons, then he wanted to get back together because he felt as though he was missing me, he decided to break up with me just befor the deb and i felt really sad about how he timed it, then after the deb people kept putting pressure on me telling me how are you and your boyfriend, which was nice but i really didnt want to talk about it, then i talked to one of my guy friends, one of my best friends about how i was feeling, my boyfriend doesnt like him though, but he is my friend, but then my guy friend told another person about how i felt and that person, she showed my boyfriend, i wanted to tell my boyfriend about how i felt but i didnt know how to, thats why i asked my guy friend, but it fustrates me that my best friend, would pass it on especailly to a girl that i dont like very much at all. she liked my boyfriend as well and i think i know why she showed it to him. because of that my ex boyfriend got angry at me, he thought that my guy friend liked me, and said all these things that really hurt me alot, he told me i should f**ck him and stuff and it hurts alot because i love him, then i talked to the girl that sent it to him and asked her why, she got mad at me and told me i should leave my boyfriend so he can be happier, then the next day i told him i was sorry for not talking to him a bout it first and he said that we should have some space and then try again in a bout 4 weeks and then maybe get back together. i shouldnt of told anyone but i was out of my head space because of people asking me about it, i appoligised to him and told him that i was disrespectful and i didnt mean to. so two weeks in i tried the non contact rule.then two weeks in just before school started because it was the holidays then he text me telling me he asked out a girl, the one that sent him the message, the one that told me to get away from him. i feel really upset and felt like i was nothing to him, but i didnt want that to be mean and told them that i wish them the best of luck. i decided i wanted to work on myself and i went to hangout with one of my guy friends he was helping me with what was going on. but concedently my ex he saw me with him and that day he texted me for the first time since he told me about how he liked another girl and asked her out, (about 2 weeks) he asked how i was and said he was happy that i had found someone else, i really didnt feel comfortable talking to him so i ignored him, but he kept texting and texting then i finially answer him, i asked him why he randomly text me. he then started getting angry, i told him that what he did made me feel upset but he didnt even say sorry he told me that i made him feel like shit though the whole relationship that i alienated him made him unhappy, he kept on texting me all these really mean things, he made me feel so guilty and upset so i told him what he wanted to here i told him that i was sorry but he kept on going on about how i made him so misrible. i felt like really hurt and worthless, he told me how his best friend just died and how i made him lose all his friends, i told him that i didnt and that you have plenty of loved ones and friends around you, i told him that i was sorry about his friend and said gave him my sympathy, then he replied saying sorry and that he wanted to talk to me about his friend and the guy i was with. i said okay, but it never happend. i still love him and i dont know what he is thinking i dont know, he is so happy at school, but ignores me completely and i really want to see if he is okay but yeh, i dont know what to do,
if you could help it would mean the world to me.

hannah

October 26, 2015 at 5:57 am

i tried but he typed back and didnt stop so i gave up and responded
Chris Seiter

October 18, 2015 at 11:26 pm

Have you done NC yet?

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