It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.
I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.
As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.
You can see that I have done that here and here.
If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.
Why is this so important?
Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.
If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.
Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.
But before we do so, I encourage you to first check out my popular eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!
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What Is The No Contact Rule?
Ah what a great question.
The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.
When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.
- Before No Contact
- During No Contact
- After No Contact
Before No Contact
This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.
It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.
During No Contact
This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.
To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.
After No Contact
Yup, you guessed it!
Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)
So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.
My point?
If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.
Wait…
Hahahahaha…
I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.
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The No Contact Rule Explained
This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.
Why? Because I wrote an awesome book, called “The No Contact Rule Book“, so go pick up a copy!
When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?
No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)
Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.
So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,
No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.
Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?
Actually…
That is entirely accurate.
Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.
Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?
It’s when I said “a period of time.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.
The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.
What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)
Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.
Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.
Hmm…
Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.
Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.
However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.
What’s this role play over?
Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.
Get it now?
Ok, lets begin.
What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works
Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.
(Ready for the role play 😉 .)
Ok, lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.
Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,
Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.
Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.
Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,
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Another good sign.
It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)
Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,
Hmm…
I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.
In other words, IT’S WORKING!
But why?
What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?
Allow me to explain!
What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule
In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.
I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.
One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.
What do you think happens?
Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.
Get it?
No?
Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.
Oh I got it!
What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?
The baby starts to cry, right?
Why?
Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.
In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.
It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.
What do you think happens?
Find out for yourself by watching the video below,
Pretty crazy, right?
Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.
In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.
Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.
No one likes to be ignored.
(Even babies.)
But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?
All of a sudden all was right in the world.
The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.
I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.
So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.
- From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
- Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?
Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.
Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.
Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.
The baby smiles…
It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.
It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.
The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.
Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty
My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule
Lets talk about time.
More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.
Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.
Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.
So, what’s the right answer?
What’s the right amount of time?
Well, it depends…
Why Not Learn So Much More By Picking Up Your Copy of My Ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book“!
I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.
Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.
However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.
What are the time frames?
- 21 days
- 30 days
- 45 days
Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.
Why do you think that is?
Truth be told it’s all about habits.
How Habits Play A Role
Now I know what you are thinking.
What the heck do habits have to do with anything?
Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.
How long does it take to perform a habit?
Do you get it yet?
No?
Ok, how bout this one,
How long does it take to get rid of a habit?
Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)
Fun story.
I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,
So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?
WRONG!
Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.
So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.
Why?
Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.
You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.
Well, now you know why.
We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.
But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?
Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.
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The 21 Day Rule
For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.
However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.
(You can go here to find that out.)
Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.
BUT BEWARE…
For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.
Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.
The 30 Day Rule
This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.
Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.
- If he broke up with you…
- If you broke up with him…
- If you had a massive fight…
- If you cheated…
- If he cheated…
- The list goes on and on.
Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.
The rest of the 10%?
Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.
The 45 Day Rule
This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.
Anything longer than 45 days is too much.
Now, this begs the question.
In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?
Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.
So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.
The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.
The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.
Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.
The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule
Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.
Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.
Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.
Why?
Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.
Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.
So buckle up!
Lets get this party started.
Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again
I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.
For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.
So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.
Here is the thing about Jane.
When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.
In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,
She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.
…..
IS SHE CRAZY???
One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.
Situation Two: Exchanging Things
Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.
The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.
Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?
Simply put, yes you are.
But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?
Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?
Hmm…
It depends…
What does it depend on?
What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.
Let me give you two examples.
Example One
Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.
Example Two
Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.
So, here is my question to you.
Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?
A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?
OR
A tooth brush…
The prized ring, right?
The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.
You can totally live without them.
Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .
Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together
It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.
I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.
But how does the no contact rule fit into this?
Can you even do the no contact rule?
The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.
How can I put this?
Hmm…
Ok, I know.
I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.
If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.
But that’s it…
You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.
In other words, if you get a text like this,
You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.
So, if you get a text like this,
Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.
Do you see the difference now?
Good!
Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.
The True Purpose Of NC
This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….
Well, actually that’s not true.
I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.
That ends today obviously.
So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?
On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.
I want you to think about something for a moment.
This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?
The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.
Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.
Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.
Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.
Well, the no contact rule works in this way.
Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.
In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.
You know what this means right?
It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.
Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.
You (Version 2.0)
The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.
Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?
No?
Do you have control over yourself?
YES!
So, lets focus on that.
Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.
So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.
I am going to call it…
The No Contact Role Play
The no contact role play is simple.
We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.
Are you ready?
Yes?
Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.
Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.
(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)
So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.
What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?
After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.
What’s next?
Ah yes, the self improvement plan.
How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?
There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.
Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,
- Get in the best shape of her life
- Read a book
- Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
- Redo wardrobe
- Educate herself about the world
- Get out more by socializing with friends and family
The No Contact Calendar
What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.
Above we established two things.
Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule
Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.
But how are these things implemented?
What do they look like?
Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.
I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.
To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.
Take a look at the graphic below for me,
Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.
Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.
You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.
Sound familiar?
You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?
Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.
Cooking class…
Salsa dancing…
Getting in incredible shape…
Reading a book…
Learning a language…
Revamping her wardrobe…
Learning about the world…
Socializing…
All of it can be found on this calendar.
Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.
Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.
N
September 2, 2024 at 4:10 pm
Hi everyone. My girlfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago, and not for the first time, saying I made her feel like she walks on eggshells and she felt this way about every two months. She then blocked me everywhere. I begged and circumvented the block (I know this was bad) but I now haven’t been in any contact for 5 weeks, although of course I’m blocked so you could say there are limited opportunities to be in touch anyway (only email). Nevertheless, I have respected no contact since early August. I really wanted to try couples counselling but she said she “didn’t see what she could contribute to my journey”. I’ve now read an online article saying the “eggshell” personality is just a bad way of reacting to a need for emoptional connection (which is true in my case) but that this can be resolved in both individual and couples therapy. I’m in therapy anyway but I wanted to share this article with her by email, to ask if she’d reconsider counselling even though we’re not together. Should I do this or should I give up? She was so loving in our relationship and I’m hurting very badly. I loved her so much and I’m reall in agony that it didn’t work.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
R
June 20, 2024 at 5:50 am
Hi. So we were in a sort of situationship. It was amicable at first when he wanted to end it then I became a GNAT. He was so mad that he didn’t want me to contact him anymore. I blocked him that day and started NC. I’m on week 2 now. Will NC still work?
Jasmine
February 20, 2024 at 1:12 am
How does the No Contact Rule work when you work together and you see each other every day at work?
Coach Shaunna
March 10, 2024 at 11:31 pm
Hi Jasmine, when you work together you follow the limited no contact, this is where you would only speak with him when you MUST. In the working environment you remain professional and polite but you do not go out of your way to speak with him and if you can avoid it do so.
Ana
March 9, 2023 at 2:50 am
I’m implementing the 45 days because I made the mistake of being a ‘gnat.’ I’m on the 38th day. What should I do if I don’t hear from him in 45 days? Should I reach out myself?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
April 9, 2023 at 10:21 am
Hi Ana, yes you reach out after 45 days has passed with the texting style that Chris has provided in his articles! Check out this video of Chris’ to help give you an idea of what you need to be doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhE9wyDryY
ellie
July 20, 2022 at 7:54 pm
hi me and my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up 5 days ago and i haven’t spoken to him since, i broke up with him as he was confused whether about our relationship and i was willing to give him time and space to think about it then that following night he was at club so the next morning i ended things, i now am trying to do 25-30 days of nc as im hoping during it will give him enough time to miss and realise he wants me etc. and im just scared as i dumped him it’s a different way around
Jasmine
July 20, 2022 at 4:16 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 years. I realized he started to grow more distant so I decided to try harder. I would do everything for him hoping he’d do the same back at some point. All month leading up to the breakup we spent all his free time together going to family functions/ friends’ parties but there was no quality time because we had no time for that.
He told me he needed some space and how all his time was being taken up. So I respected his space and allowed him to use his free time for personal time.
He decided that wasn’t enough and wanted to break up. I told him how I truly felt unappreciated for all this time and he understood and apologized and that was the end of that. The next day he wanted to talk so he came over and told me how our communication was off and we need to work on that and he could definitely put more effort in to show his appreciation towards me. Only for a week to go by and him say that he wants to break up again. I begged him to reconsider, told him I’d give him space, I told him we could work through it and he just didn’t want to. I finally told him its fine, I’ll be okay and blocked him on everything so I can start my no contact.
Should I have not blocked him on everything? Im trying to figure out the best way to give him space but I feel so sad without him
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 8:52 pm
Hi Jasmine, do not block him as you need him to be able to see what you are doing with your own life and doing well without him. Read the materials and be sure that you apply the UG information
Lana
June 30, 2022 at 4:26 am
Hi, I’m in a long-distance relationship, he broke up with me 11 days ago and I’ve been trying to go no contact ever since. Last night I logged on to the game we play together which shows our activity status. He was online, so I logged off. Then later that night he tried to video chat me, then blocked my calls & messages on messenger. Did I break no contact by logging on the game?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 18, 2022 at 10:29 pm
Hey Lana, no you did not break the NC by logging into the game – however I am just wondering how do you know he blocked you on calls and messages?
Keep to a 45 day NC if you are blocked he is likely annoyed that you ignored his videocall and will likely unblock you before the end of your NC
Shila
May 19, 2022 at 1:35 pm
Hi. I was in a complicated relationship. After 9 months, I realized my boyfriend had a partner. I tried to break up with him, but he told me his relationship was toxic and he would separate from her, but he never did. After almost five years into the relationship, he broke up with me after I found out he was lying again and I talked to his girlfriend. It’s 45 days of NC. I miss him everyday
. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 28, 2022 at 9:51 pm
Hi Shila, so you had a five year relationship with him and he was with the other woman the entire time too? If this is the case my advice is to move on and find someone else as he clearly has no problem with cheating on either of you.
Kylee
April 7, 2022 at 10:26 am
So my boyfriend broke up with me saying he was not ready for a commitment. I have not contacted him after the initial goodbye text. I don’t post on social media a lot but when I did I noticed he did view my one Instagram story. If he does not reach out by the end of day 30 would you recommend waiting up to 45 days to see if he reaches out or contacting him after 30 days?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 10, 2022 at 3:33 pm
Hi Kylee, you are not waiting for him to reach out to you, you are supposed to be spending some time working on yourself and then reaching out after 30 days / 45 days depending on how bad your break up was
M
November 19, 2021 at 5:30 pm
Hi ,
So this is really weird putting this here ,but does no contact work for friendship situations?
My best friend (happens to be a guy) told me he doesn’t want to be friends anymore
For the past 1 year , we spoke everyday and were each others support in everything
He started to drift away because of some mean things I did and I pushed a little harder. He doesn’t even care anymore. He didn’t block me or anything but he has simply ignored me pint blank
I will understand if this isn’t the right platform for this question but I really really want to know what to do
His statement to me the last time were extremely mean, so a self respecting person shouldn’t reach out unless reached out to but he never reached out to me.
Yes he has a girlfriend but I truly cherish his friendship and do not know what to do at this point
Rain
August 29, 2021 at 9:29 am
I am implementing the nc rule at 45 days because I feel like I was a depressed woman reluctant to let this man go and maybe he felt pressured by me.
I am 27 and I fell in love with a 53 year old man. Yeah I don’t know what I am doing. But he has my heart and he is running around my mind all day and night. We met seldom and inconsistently,and he drove me nuts because I wouldn’t see him and I was sexually and emotionally deprived so when we met we would always bang. I have decided to become celibate now and only to have children will I participate. He is very ‘busy’ often and is good at neglecting me, he also has Asperger’s syndrome. The last we saw each other*and banged* was 12 days ago. Then he broke it off with me on the 20th and I sent some desperate texts and we stopped talking on the 21st.
Nana
August 13, 2021 at 4:06 am
I dated a guy for two months we saw each other twice a week and talked on the phone.. he started to pull off because he wasn’t ready for a relationship for reasons I know of.. I told him we can be friends for now until we are ready to date again.. I haven’t talked to him for 21 days… I am doing a 30 days of no contact
Do you think that the no contact rule will work to get him to date again? Thanks!
Shannen
July 31, 2021 at 11:53 pm
My ex bf of 8 months suddenly broke up with me a week ago. We were very happy, until his ex wife asked him to take full custody of their 13 year old son. In retrospect, my reaction was probably not the best. I immediately brought up all of my concerns, which he seemingly hadn’t even considered. I have full custody of my 2 kids, we live an hour apart, we already only see each other on the weekends and struggle with getting any alone time for ourselves, he won’t be able to move here as we had planned because his son will be in school, etc. I also brought up that he has crazy work hours (I also work full time, but normal hours) and it would not be fair to me to expect me to shoulder all of the responsibility for his son, should they move here in the future. I wanted to talk about this and figure it out, but he grew more and more distant each time we talked. Finally, 2 days after finding out, he broke up with me over a text message, saying everything I said was right and there was no way it can work. I told him I was willing to work through it because we love each other and have always been so happy, but by the time I finally said that it’s like it was too late for him. He heard my first reaction (which was all out of fear and anxiety), and didn’t want to discuss it anymore. Looking back, I see that he was stressed with BOTH situations, and just wanted me to say ‘it’s ok I love you we’ll make it work’, and he felt like I wasn’t willing to accept his son full time. But I tried explaining that’s not at all what I meant, but he wouldn’t hear it. He admitted he still loved me and this was hard but he had to do what he had to do. He then blocked me on Facebook and probably the phone too (not sure bc I haven’t contacted him since that conversation) and I am just devastated. We went from totally happy to broken up in a matter of 2 days. I am in shock how cold he turned when he broke up with me. I don’t know what to do…
Lynn
June 27, 2021 at 11:04 pm
Hi! My man implemented the no contact rule on me, he said he wanted to reconnect, re-evaluate and see where we both are in September and that was at the end of May. So that would be too long? Do I abide by this 90 day NC or do I break it around 45 days? It’s been over 30 but not quite 45 yet.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 28, 2021 at 1:55 pm
Reach out after 45 days, do not allow yourself to pass the 60 NC days
Kathryn
June 21, 2021 at 10:10 pm
Hi
Recently broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months and believe it was a mistake. While I have valid reasons for breaking up with him, I believe we could have worked it out if I did not let my insecurities get in the way. So I have chosen the 30 day NC route. One of my insecurities is that I have not dated very much and he is my first love and thus I play the “What if there is someone better….” or “Can my first love be the one?” So over the next 30 days I want to focus on myself and make sure these feelings are not just the loss of being a relationship but for loss of being in a relationship with him. Then at the same time I also wish go out on some dates during this time and talk to other guys. I believe I need it so that I can grow past the “What ifs” but at the same time it feels a little wrong. I would hate to hurt him again or worse say I want to work on us and then a few months later have the same What if feelings.
Thank you
Paula
February 26, 2021 at 5:59 pm
Hey Chris! I have failed the no contact rule and when I realized I was still in the same needy spot I decided to tell my ex I am distancing myself from him because I need some more time apart. Will the no contact rule have the same effects when he knows I am distancing myself from him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 27, 2021 at 9:53 am
HI Paula, yes as long as you keep with it and working on yourself in that time.
FG
November 26, 2020 at 10:39 pm
Hi, my ex and I (31F, 30F) broke up a 2 yr relationship a month ago on Oct. 24. We had been fighting a lot the last months, and on the last fight see took off and ghosted me.
Two weeks after that I called her asking were we were at, and she said she had been thinking and was done with me, she was no longer happy.
A week after that I found out she was talking to her ex, so I called her and told her I hated her for doing this to me and that she had made me lose 2 years of my life by using me as a stepping stone to get over her ex, and that was why she never really was there for me. We texted a couple of times after that (same week-ish) to exchange our belongings.
Last text was a week ago. Im trying no contact but it is SO HARD.
We blocked each other everywhere, but her Twitter account is public and she keeps posting about how wonderful life is, some nasty stuff I think is about me, but whos to know, and about how she loves herself so she left me and completely cut the cord and how adamant she is about it. This all hurts so much. I know I should not be checking her Tweets, but its the thing I have to know how shes doing/what shes thinking (presumably).
I love her deeply and miss her so much. I know I will not contact her because she asked me to and I need to respect her and myself, BUT I cant keep myself from hoping that she someday will come back and we can figure things out.
Which contact rule should I apply in this case? 21 30 or 45? Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 23, 2020 at 5:46 pm
Hi FG, so the first thing you need to do is avoid looking at her twitter account ( this is actually breaking no contact rules) and make sure that you use the remainder of your 30 days (45 if there is a possibility of her being back with her ex) to focus on getting over the break up and the hurt you are feeling. Read articles about being ungettable and use this in your own life to show that you are doing great yourself.
Sally
November 19, 2020 at 12:30 pm
Does the no contact rule work if you live in separate countries? We were not long distance but he has gone home since the breakup
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 19, 2020 at 5:10 pm
Hi Sally, yes it can still work even if you are living in different countries.
Meg Richards
August 27, 2020 at 2:25 am
My boyfriend asked to be friends and we have spent about 3-4 months since then still cooking for each other every week, going on trips, every now and then he keeps saying I make him feel special. However I started worrying that there was no physical intimacy recently. He said he started recently feeling distant after an argument and that he does not want to commit because he doesn’t want to disappoint or be disappointed. He asked for few days to think about us when I asked him to try the relationship again. It has been 2 weeks now that we haven’t tried to contact each other. Should I do a no contact rule?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 27, 2020 at 4:06 pm
Hey Meg, if you want a relationship with this guy then yes you need to go into a NC and stick with it for at least 30 days
Noni
July 25, 2020 at 8:51 pm
2 year LDR with my unofficial boy (the entire 2 years he says he can’t commit due to distance as it’s too painful for him – he’s had a heartbreak LDR before). The 2 years we text and call every day morning to night – him initiating the entire thing. He freaked out 1 year in and told me his feelings had changed – came back within 3 weeks when using a broken NC rule (didn’t know about it at the time). We then were super in love (him saying I was his soulmate) until 2 months later he changed his mind again and said he couldn’t do the distance. Agreed to be best friends and immediately continued to talk for 5 months but I took his lead and finally he admitted his feelings, I was still his soulmate and he wanted to be with me one day when we were in the same place. We agreed I’d move in with him in September as I can work remotely and try it out. The week before we were going to see each other for the first time in 5 months (corona) he suddenly came out saying flying to see me would give me the wrong message and he didn’t feel the same way. Said he didn’t have feelings and didn’t have a response when I challenged him pulling me closer the past 5 months. Then blamed the distance for confusing his feelings and said his mind may change again in September, I said we were done and that was it. I cut contact and blocked and deleted everywhere. So technically I broke up but because he said he has no feelings. So not sure who counts as the dumper. But I’m 21 days NC and heard nothing and want him to come back and explain and tell me he panicked and we can try again. What should I expect in this scenario? Also I fear people can move on faster with LD as the physical distance is already there; so does my 21 days translate as something much bigger? Do I reach out, wait, or leave him for good?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 26, 2020 at 10:27 am
Hi Noni, we suggest a 30 day NC because you need that time apart. Once you have worked on your Holy Trinity and completed a full 30 days NC that is when you start to reach out to your ex using the information that Chris has provided in the texting articles