I don’t know about you, but I live in Texas. Our weather here changes so drastically and suddenly that my allergies tend to get whiplash… especially in the Fall. One day you’re wearing shorts to go for a run. The next, you’ve donned gloves and a jacket, and you’re seriously considering putting those little hand warming pouches in your shoes.
All of this change leaves a lot of us in the area dealing with colds, allergies, and ultimately upper respiratory problems.
The upside is that we are SO used to it that we don’t let it slow us down. At the first sign of congestion, we start hitting up Walgreens like we are stocking up for an apocalypse. Most of us don’t even have to hit up walgreens because we stocked up so much the last time, which was probably last week.
I could be wrong but, if there were an Olympics Medal for fastest recovery time from being sick, I’d put my money on someone from Texas bringing it home.
We’ve all got our tried and true ways that work for us. For me, it’s piling on the Vitamin C, drinking vegetable broth and lots of water, and gargling salt water before I go to bed and when I wake up.
I don’t think I’ve ever let being sick keep me from doing what had to be done.
It’s the same way with a breakup.
We are good at beating colds because we’ve had practice and we know what works for us. But breakups, for most people, don’t happen on a regular basis.
Me? Admittedly, I’ve had a lot of practice. What can I say, I’ve never let past heartbreaks keep be from giving someone new the benefit of the doubt. So, I’ve kissed my fair share of frogs.
Looking back, I like to consider it research.
And then, on top of that, I’ve dealt with people going through breakups every day all day for almost 2 years now. You kind of get a feel for what works for most people and what doesn’t after a while.
That’s is why Chris, our fearless leader, is such a pro. He’s been doing this every day all day for over 5 years.
That’s a LOT of breakups.
And, believe it or not, he has a pretty high percentage of happy clients, if I do say so myself.
Seeing the difference he makes in people’s lives is one of the reasons I was so eager to work with the EBR team
The Elephant In The Room: You Want Him Back
Ashley, it sounds like you’re telling me to… get over it and move on.
I assure you, that is not my intention at all.
Let’s me explain something.
If you break up with me these days, I’m not the kind of person who is going to let you see me sweat it. Even before I came across the wonder that is The Ex Recovery Community, I knew that I needed to learn to get my emotions under control.
After reading “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, The Ungettable Girl”, and “Why Men Love Bitches” (a book that isn’t ours but we suggest often) I realized that I had already gotten a huge part of being Ungettable down. Getting someone to come crawling back requires SOME degree of moving on and it DEFINITELY requires you to push past those emotions that make you abandon the program.
I know. I know. Right about now, you are probably a little concerned, maybe a little hesitant.
When you chase after someone who has cut you loose, the ONLY thing you are going to achieve is making them block you on every front.
I’m taking a wild guess and assuming that’s NOT what you want.
So, If you want him back, you have to learn how not to do that. Right?
Well, what if I told you that no matter what you do, your brain is going to work against you?
You’d tell me,
“No, Ashley. When I make a decision I stick with it.”
Think about No Contact as a diet. When you are on a diet, and you say
“No more sodas, sweets, or bread.”
What are you going to be craving every time you turn around?
Sodas, sweets and bread, right?
It’s like you can’t get away from people talking about them.
And suddenly you come face to face with temptation. And what does your brain say?
“Oh a little bit won’t hurt.”
“Maybe just a bite.”
“I’ll take one bite. And I’ll hit the gym extra hard later today.”
You reason yourself into why it’s okay, right?
Now, take a step back. This is exactly the mistake I see our girls fall into constantly when they do No Contact. They make the commitment to cut contact for 21, 30, 0r 45 days. They put a lot of faith in their ability to not give into temptation. They spend all of No Contact focused on their ex (speculating what he’s doing, thinking, and how he is going to react) And then when they are actually faced with the temptation to reach out or interact with their ex, they fold like an accordion.
(By, the way, before we go any further I want to point something out. Our articles aren’t supposed to work as a substitution for the program. They should be used to supplement the program and expand on the points made in the book. Just thought that needed to be said.)
The Art Of Kind-of Sort-of Moving On
In EBR we call this “Moving On Without Moving On.”
It’s not news to you I’m sure, but breakups can be down right devastating. They can shake you to your very core and even break you.
You don’t just “bounce back” from a broken heart. But you can learn how to recover from a breakup quicker than usual. and in a healthy way.
However, taking a bad situation and turning it into an opportunity can be a helpful talent to have… in any situation.
Here are the facts:
- You WERE in a realationship.
- You AREN’T in it anymore.
- You want your ex back.
Luckily, you found the one place that can help you do just that.
Welcome to recovery!
Recovering from the devestation.
Recovering your life.
And eventually recovering your relationship.
I have one question.
Don’t worry. We’ll do what we can to get you ready.
Let’s get into it.
Action 1: Getting Emotionally Ready
There isn’t a whole lot to this first action. It is mostly mental.
If you’re new to the site and you haven’read Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro yet, then that should be your next stop after this article. It walks you through the step by step process of how to get your ex back.
However, if you are “stuck” in the breakup cycle, replaying happy memories and then getting emotional about the breakup, you can kind of end up handicapping yourself before you even get started.
First, you have to create emotional distance between you and your ex and that takes a little work, because everything you are going to want to do instinctively is going to be exactly what you shouldn’t do.
After a breakup, especially a bad breakup, with someone you obviously still love everyone wants the healing process to happen as quickly as possible. BUT, none of them want to put in the work.
You see? Right after a breakup, usually one or both of the people involved end up holding onto the romantic connection. They either try to stay involved in each others’ lives or they keep replaying memories that trigger strong emotional feelings. This keeps them within that cycle.
So, how do you create emotional distance?
Well, preparing for this isn’t necessarily easy. It’s like a roller coaster. On the way up, you know what’s coming. But you still scream on the way down even though you knew what to expect.
But, if you tell yourself to stay calm, control your breathing, and remind yourself that hundreds of other people have ridden his ride and survived… you can keep yourself from giving in to fear.
So… this is the uphill climb. You know what’s coming when you commit to No Contact. You just have to tell yourself you can do it.
So in order to create that distance, you have to prepare yourself for the next part.
Action 2: Set Countermeasures Into Play
Learn How to Focus on Yourself
When in a relationship, we start to think of ourselves as half a whole instead of as an individual. For example, right about now I bet you are feeling slightly incomplete. It may even feel as if part of you is missing.
That feeling isn’t because you are actually incomplete. It is because your mind got used to an idea of you as part of a couple.
Look at it this way.
Your life is a box.
Before you met your ex, you were what filled that box and you filled it completely. You did things that you loved with your friends and your family.
Then, you met your ex and you made room for him in that box. You started to make room for the things he loved, his friends, and his family.
Suddenly, he left the box.
It takes time for you to get used to filling that box again. And most women who come to this site try to work the program while ALSO trying to save room in their box for their ex.
NEWSFLASH LADIES: If your box isn’t overflowing… if you are holding back because you are afraid…. then you are handicapping yourself and your chances of being successful go down.
Not to mention, you can’t create emotional distance if you are feeling empty. You will automatically fill that space with fear, paranoia, and memories that will all keep you in a constant funk.
Read the EBR Pro book. Being in a funk will NOT get you where you want to be.
Instead of saving room for your ex in your box, make the decision to combine your box and his to make one BIG box once you get him back. That way you aren’t left waiting or holding back.
Sounds reasonable right?
By rewriting the way that you look at it, you can make time to focus on the Holy Trinity, an integral part of getting your ex back.
The Holy Trinity is made up of Health, Wealth, and Relationships, the three things you should pay special attention to when you are learning to focus on yourself.
If you do it right, you won’t have a lot of time to spend thinking about your ex.
Build a Reliable Support System.
Part of being together is being able to rely on each other.
After a breakup, we tend to try to still keep our exes around in a supportive capacity because we are used to relying on them for that, either by guilting them into it or trying to be their friend… or worse, chasing them.
In the situation that you are in right now, you probably don’t understand how unhealthy that can be for you.
If you are new here and you aren’t quite sure what No Contact is, then it’s exactly what it sounds like. It is a set amount of time that you spend without contacting your ex at all.
I know your heart probably dropped into your stomach just now.
It’s alright. Everyone feels that way, at first.
That feeling starts to go away about the same time that they get their ex back.
You can counteract that feeling by reading some of our No Contact success stories or just a few stories about our ladies that got their exes back.
Now that you have some peace of mind, let’s talk about how you can avoid feeling like you’ve lost that support line that you were so used to having around. Because even if you are at a point where you feel secure in your friendship/connection with your ex, at some point you will realize that it just isn’t the same anymore.
Right now, those of you that just went through a break up and are in that weird limbo stage of “what do I do now?”, you know those that are still window shopping ways to get your ex back and aren’t quite ready to commit to No Contact, bookmark or pin this article right now.
Because, even if you aren’t sure where you are or what to do right now, this site is your BEST bet at getting your ex back. Yeah there are several others, but you won’t find a single other site that will do for you what ExRecovery does.
But, then again, I guess you’d just have to stick around to find out.
Now, let’s talk about how to fill that hole left by the loss of your support system.
How, do you replace one person that you relied on for almost all of your emotional support?
I mean, a lot of us talk to our partners about EVERYTHING. I know that I personally find myself talking to mine about things I can’t talk to my parents or friends about, or even about my parents or friends. (Let’s be honest, we don’t always agree with our parents or friends on everything anyways.)
There is a common phrase that I think applies to this situation better than I would’ve thought when I first heard it as a child.
“Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.”
Imagine carrying several baskets. Each one is a relationship you have in your life, whether it’s romantic, a friendship, or a familial one.
Let’s use me as an example.
I have three best friends,J , L, and B, and then my parents. They are my closest friend and familial connections. That means I am carrying 5 baskets right?
Now, L usually relies more on me to help carry her emotional “eggs” so I tend not to put a lot of my “eggs” in her basket these days. Not to mention, she got married last year and our basket has grown significantly smaller.Most of her eggs and attention go to her husband these days, as they should. So, our basket can’t really hold that many eggs anyways. J is in Masters school, but he is pretty good about distributing his “eggs” between me and his fiance. So, I can rely on him to him carry a few eggs. B lives overseas, and generally our basket stays pretty full between the two of us. Then there are my parents. They can only handle certain grade “eggs.” I can’t always talk to them about everything. So, when I get into a relationship, I tend to test the connection to see if it can be balanced with my other baskets and if it can handle the weight of a few “eggs.”
Now, what do you think happens if I take all of my eggs and move them into that relationship basket?
It makes the basket heavy, right?
The other baskets will have to be made smaller so I can use both hands to hold it.
Most of the time, those other baskets fade and you don’t even realize it because you’re so focused on your relationship basket.
Now, let’s say all my eggs are in that relationship basket, then it just disappears! Either the weight of the emotional “eggs” put too much strain on the handle or some other reason. Poof! Just like that!
I’m left juggling eggs because they won’t fit in the tiny baskets that are still hanging around.
There is no way I can keep up with that forever. Especially after a breakup when it seems like those emotional “eggs” seem to multiply.
I mean, I’m a pretty talented juggler, but even I would end up with a bunch of egg on my face.
So, what should you do to keep from ending up emotionally scrambled? (Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the egg puns.)
Is this your next step?
Nah. Not unless it’s always been your dream to run away to join a circus.
What you are going to do is look at the baskets you had that have shrunk or faded.
You see, No Contact only works if you have that emotional distance from your ex. You can’t really do that if you feel the urge to run to him every single time something happens that gets your emotions stirred up. And you can’t really lean on him with the emotional aftermath of the relationship. If you do that, he is SURE to run for the hills.
A lot of girls do this in an attempt to play on his emotions and make him regret the breakup. But, generally speaking, this doesn’t work. It only makes him crave distance from you.
Have you lost a few good connections in lieu of your relationship? Do you not have those people you once had that you could rely on? Or have you stopped relying on them as much?
Now is the time to reconnect with THOSE people and rebuild those relationships.
The goal here being not making the same mistakes again. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Spread them around.
An important thing to point out is that, whether you kept your friendships and relationships with family alive and working, you can’t expect to fill those baskets with only your “eggs.”
Yes. Yes. I know that urge to talk about your breakup and your ex constantly… all the time… to anyone who will listen.
But the fact of the matter is that if your people can’t rely on you to let them put their “eggs” in the basket too, that basket is going to start to shrink again as they pull away.
The same thing will happen if you start overloading one person with all of your eggs.
You can’t just have one person as a support system. It puts too much strain on the relationship.
I have a simple solution for this.
Well, actually EBR, does.
When you start the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Process, we have an option to opt-in to the EBR Facebook Group.
In all honesty, this is what it exists for.
When things get to be too much, talking to people who understand your situation an take some of the strain off of your relationships.
Be honest, some of your friends’ eyes have already started to glaze over every time you open your mouth. I know my mom’s did every time I mentioned my first ex. I mean, I was devastated, and because she was my mother, she felt obligated to listen to my every woe. But even she would glaze over or look annoyed. She couldn’t help it.
You want to know the best part about the Facebook Group?
Currently, that basket is carried by over 1,200 people and it is ever-growing.So, it can handle ALL of the emotional “eggs” you can throw at it.
Avoid Emotional Instigators.
There are somethings that will set you off down an emotional spiral that you have no control over. And once you get down that path it can seem like it takes an act of Congress to get out of it.
So, what are some common emotional instigators, or triggers, that people face after a breakup?
- Driving by his house
- Hanging out in places that were “yours and his”
- Music or movies that stir memories
- The things that he left scattered around your house
There are so many things that could bring on an onslaught of emotions. Seriously, one of my exes bought me a tiny elephant and named it Humprey… as in Bogart. I had to avoid elephants and Casablanca for a while.
Basically, as you recognize triggers just make a mental not to avoid them and, if they are actual things around your house, just stick them in a box in the back of your closet for a bit where you won’t see them constantly.
Part 3: Break Habits
Everyone has habits, but breakups tend to bring out the worst in people.
“Treat Yourself” Thinking I’m feeling crummy, so I’m going to do all sorts of things that are unhealthy. I’m going to eat entire tubs of ice cream and multiple bottle of wine while marathoning Netflix. I mean, maybe once riiiiight after the breakup. But letting this become a habit or a way of thinking, you are basically building walls in front of your goals.
Seriously, it doesn’t make you feel better. It accomplishes nothing. And it doesn’t help anyone, except maybe Bluebell and Franzia companies. I get that you feel bad, but there is no way that going zombie and vegging helps get your ex back.
SOLUTION: When the desire to indulge in self-sabotaging, unhealthy behavior, redirect toward something you can do that is healthy.
You can do this by recognizing what sets off that initial indulgent thought and redirecting toward something healthier for you that could possibly help your situation.
Some, healthy replacement behaviors could be anything that temporarily distracts you from that unhealthy desire.
For example, if you feel the need to eat all of the junk food in your house, go for a walk and listen to some peppy music or a podcast.
Asking the same question until you get an answer you like. I see this a lot… no really, a LOT. Where you ask one person what they think you should do, and they don’t give you the answer you want. So, you find yourself asking anyone willing to answer till you get the answer you want. If you’re going to do that, you might as well just do what you want anyways. you wouldn’t succeed in getting your ex back but you’d tick off less people. So, there’s that.
SOLUTION: If you recognize this pattern (and now that I’ve mentioned it, you will), ask a professional. And by professional, I mean us! You can ask in the comments below, or you should join our Facebook Group where you have access to our team ALL THE TIME! (Just make sure the person you are talking to is part of the team. A lot of the time, people in the group will lead you to do what they would do. And, you guessed it, what they would do is pretty close to what you want to do. So, it’s not always the best idea.
So, talk to an ExRecovery Team Member or, at least, evaluate what you are consider. Something I’ve found to almost always be true, if it’s easy or something you WANT to do, it’s probably not the best course of action.
Fantasizing believe it or not, imaginary relationships can be just as addicting as actually being in a relationship can be. So, if you are spending all of your time thinking about the relationship you could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve had, just STOP IT!
Most of the time, you won’t even realize you are doing this until you stop and realize that it isn’t real and that sadness sets in.
SOLUTION: This is another one of those things you kind of have to figure out what is causing it. What is that first thought that gets you starting on this path? For, me I recognized that every time I checked my phone, even if I wasn’t checking for a text from him, I would start to think about where I went wrong, which would spin into what could have been.
One Solution to Trump All Emotional Hurdles
Most of the triggers and habits have something to do with where your mind wanders to, as if it isn’t occupied enough. You find yourself thinking about your ex when you really should be thinking about something more important. It’s not unusual to have obsessive thoughts after a breakup. And for the most part, they are harmless… unless you are operating heavy machinery, sharp objects, or trying to get your ex back. (I actually have a friend who almost lost a finger because he was daydreaming about his ex. Luckily, a very talented doctor sewed it back on for him, and he only lost partial mobility in it.)
You’re going to laugh when I say this, and probably even doubt it.
Are you sure?
Alright, you asked for it.
It’s writing, or, more appropriately, journaling.
There is a specific way you should go about this though.
You are going to basically start it as a stream of thought. That means write down EVERYTHING that comes to mind as you think it. Eventually you’ll reach a question.
Write it down.
Then answer it as best as you can. Then, you are going to move on to the next thought that hits your mind. Don’t sit and dwell on the question.
Do this every day for a week.
After your week is up, you are going to go back and read what you wrote. And, in your next entry, you are going to re-answer those questions.
You see, most of the time when we write, we are in one mindset, but then when we go back and read it, we find a bit more clarity.
For example, reading something you wrote 6 days ago, you might see the situation differently. A lot can happen in 6 days.
If you also write about the happenings of your day can help you recognize those thoughts that initiate your self-sabotaging behaviors and start stopping them before they begin.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Well, I know that your goal is to get your ex back, and everyone wants to see immediate results. No one wants to take the first steps, they just want to be over that wall already.
Well, I hate to tell you, but you can’t achieve anything without putting in the work.
So, that being said. let’s look back at what we talked about today, because we covered… a lot. But overall, we learning how to Move On Without Moving On.
I know what you’re thinking
“Wait a minute, we did?”
Yep, we sure did!
let’s look back, what are the things we talked about?
We talked about:
- Preparing Emotionally
- Setting Up Countermeasures
- Breaking Habits
Now, you are probably thinking that that sounds an awful lot like moving on. Well, this is how you create that emotional distance that you need during No Contact. It allows you to build an Ungettable Girl Life.
By the way, if you don’t know what an Ungettable Girl is, you should definitely check out the link. It is an integral part of the ExBoyfriend Recovery Program. It basically turns you into a magnet. Your ex won’t be able to avoid being curious.
Now, if you are still thinking,
“I need more!”
Well, Chris did this excellent interview with Samantha Burns where they talk about how to survive a breakup.
Alright, so I think I’ve given you enough to think about for one day. But I’ve also given you access to plenty of other information if you are still itching for knowledge. AND if you are still needing more after that, there are always the Ex Boyfriend Recovery System and the Webinar.
Yeah, I know. I’m just so nice.
So, taking what we learned today I’m going to do one more thing for you.
Let’s start a conversation about your breakup in the comments below.
I want to know a few things
- What habits you’ve gotten into since your breakup?
- Who is a part of your support system now that you don’t have your ex to rely on?
- What countermeasures can you put into play?
- Lastly, I want to hear about the circumstances surrounding your breakup.
By doing this, we can help you get a better grasp on what the next step is in your journey to getting your ex back.