I don’t know about you, but I live in Texas. Our weather here changes so drastically and suddenly that my allergies tend to get whiplash… especially in the Fall. One day you’re wearing shorts to go for a run. The next, you’ve donned gloves and a jacket, and you’re seriously considering putting those little hand warming pouches in your shoes.
All of this change leaves a lot of us in the area dealing with colds, allergies, and ultimately upper respiratory problems.
The upside is that we are SO used to it that we don’t let it slow us down. At the first sign of congestion, we start hitting up Walgreens like we are stocking up for an apocalypse. Most of us don’t even have to hit up walgreens because we stocked up so much the last time, which was probably last week.
I could be wrong but, if there were an Olympics Medal for fastest recovery time from being sick, I’d put my money on someone from Texas bringing it home.
We’ve all got our tried and true ways that work for us. For me, it’s piling on the Vitamin C, drinking vegetable broth and lots of water, and gargling salt water before I go to bed and when I wake up.
I don’t think I’ve ever let being sick keep me from doing what had to be done.
It’s the same way with a breakup.
We are good at beating colds because we’ve had practice and we know what works for us. But breakups, for most people, don’t happen on a regular basis.
Me? Admittedly, I’ve had a lot of practice. What can I say, I’ve never let past heartbreaks keep be from giving someone new the benefit of the doubt. So, I’ve kissed my fair share of frogs.
Looking back, I like to consider it research.
And then, on top of that, I’ve dealt with people going through breakups every day all day for almost 2 years now. You kind of get a feel for what works for most people and what doesn’t after a while.
That’s is why Chris, our fearless leader, is such a pro. He’s been doing this every day all day for over 5 years.
That’s a LOT of breakups.
And, believe it or not, he has a pretty high percentage of happy clients, if I do say so myself.
Seeing the difference he makes in people’s lives is one of the reasons I was so eager to work with the EBR team
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Elephant In The Room: You Want Him Back
Ashley, it sounds like you’re telling me to… get over it and move on.
I assure you, that is not my intention at all.
Let’s me explain something.
If you break up with me these days, I’m not the kind of person who is going to let you see me sweat it. Even before I came across the wonder that is The Ex Recovery Community, I knew that I needed to learn to get my emotions under control.
After reading “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, The Ungettable Girl”, and “Why Men Love Bitches” (a book that isn’t ours but we suggest often) I realized that I had already gotten a huge part of being Ungettable down. Getting someone to come crawling back requires SOME degree of moving on and it DEFINITELY requires you to push past those emotions that make you abandon the program.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI know. I know. Right about now, you are probably a little concerned, maybe a little hesitant.
When you chase after someone who has cut you loose, the ONLY thing you are going to achieve is making them block you on every front.
I’m taking a wild guess and assuming that’s NOT what you want.
So, If you want him back, you have to learn how not to do that. Right?
Well, what if I told you that no matter what you do, your brain is going to work against you?
You’d tell me,
“No, Ashley. When I make a decision I stick with it.”
Think about No Contact as a diet. When you are on a diet, and you say
“No more sodas, sweets, or bread.”
What are you going to be craving every time you turn around?
Sodas, sweets and bread, right?
It’s like you can’t get away from people talking about them.
And suddenly you come face to face with temptation. And what does your brain say?
“Oh a little bit won’t hurt.”
“Maybe just a bite.”
“I’ll take one bite. And I’ll hit the gym extra hard later today.”
You reason yourself into why it’s okay, right?
Now, take a step back. This is exactly the mistake I see our girls fall into constantly when they do No Contact. They make the commitment to cut contact for 21, 30, 0r 45 days. They put a lot of faith in their ability to not give into temptation. They spend all of No Contact focused on their ex (speculating what he’s doing, thinking, and how he is going to react) And then when they are actually faced with the temptation to reach out or interact with their ex, they fold like an accordion.
(By, the way, before we go any further I want to point something out. Our articles aren’t supposed to work as a substitution for the program. They should be used to supplement the program and expand on the points made in the book. Just thought that needed to be said.)
The Art Of Kind-of Sort-of Moving On
In EBR we call this “Moving On Without Moving On.”
It’s not news to you I’m sure, but breakups can be down right devastating. They can shake you to your very core and even break you.
You don’t just “bounce back” from a broken heart. But you can learn how to recover from a breakup quicker than usual. and in a healthy way.
However, taking a bad situation and turning it into an opportunity can be a helpful talent to have… in any situation.
Here are the facts:
- You WERE in a realationship.
- You AREN’T in it anymore.
- You want your ex back.
Luckily, you found the one place that can help you do just that.
Welcome to recovery!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizRecovering from the devestation.
Recovering your life.
And eventually recovering your relationship.
I have one question.
No really.
Are
You
Ready?
Don’t worry. We’ll do what we can to get you ready.
Let’s get into it.
Action 1: Getting Emotionally Ready
There isn’t a whole lot to this first action. It is mostly mental.
If you’re new to the site and you haven’read Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro yet, then that should be your next stop after this article. It walks you through the step by step process of how to get your ex back.
However, if you are “stuck” in the breakup cycle, replaying happy memories and then getting emotional about the breakup, you can kind of end up handicapping yourself before you even get started.
First, you have to create emotional distance between you and your ex and that takes a little work, because everything you are going to want to do instinctively is going to be exactly what you shouldn’t do.
After a breakup, especially a bad breakup, with someone you obviously still love everyone wants the healing process to happen as quickly as possible. BUT, none of them want to put in the work.
You see? Right after a breakup, usually one or both of the people involved end up holding onto the romantic connection. They either try to stay involved in each others’ lives or they keep replaying memories that trigger strong emotional feelings. This keeps them within that cycle.
So, how do you create emotional distance?
Well, preparing for this isn’t necessarily easy. It’s like a roller coaster. On the way up, you know what’s coming. But you still scream on the way down even though you knew what to expect.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut, if you tell yourself to stay calm, control your breathing, and remind yourself that hundreds of other people have ridden his ride and survived… you can keep yourself from giving in to fear.
So… this is the uphill climb. You know what’s coming when you commit to No Contact. You just have to tell yourself you can do it.
So in order to create that distance, you have to prepare yourself for the next part.
Action 2: Set Countermeasures Into Play
Learn How to Focus on Yourself
When in a relationship, we start to think of ourselves as half a whole instead of as an individual. For example, right about now I bet you are feeling slightly incomplete. It may even feel as if part of you is missing.
That feeling isn’t because you are actually incomplete. It is because your mind got used to an idea of you as part of a couple.
Look at it this way.
Your life is a box.
Before you met your ex, you were what filled that box and you filled it completely. You did things that you loved with your friends and your family.
Then, you met your ex and you made room for him in that box. You started to make room for the things he loved, his friends, and his family.
Suddenly, he left the box.
It takes time for you to get used to filling that box again. And most women who come to this site try to work the program while ALSO trying to save room in their box for their ex.
NEWSFLASH LADIES: If your box isn’t overflowing… if you are holding back because you are afraid…. then you are handicapping yourself and your chances of being successful go down.
Not to mention, you can’t create emotional distance if you are feeling empty. You will automatically fill that space with fear, paranoia, and memories that will all keep you in a constant funk.
Read the EBR Pro book. Being in a funk will NOT get you where you want to be.
Instead of saving room for your ex in your box, make the decision to combine your box and his to make one BIG box once you get him back. That way you aren’t left waiting or holding back.
Sounds reasonable right?
By rewriting the way that you look at it, you can make time to focus on the Holy Trinity, an integral part of getting your ex back.
The Holy Trinity is made up of Health, Wealth, and Relationships, the three things you should pay special attention to when you are learning to focus on yourself.
If you do it right, you won’t have a lot of time to spend thinking about your ex.
Build a Reliable Support System.
Part of being together is being able to rely on each other.
After a breakup, we tend to try to still keep our exes around in a supportive capacity because we are used to relying on them for that, either by guilting them into it or trying to be their friend… or worse, chasing them.
In the situation that you are in right now, you probably don’t understand how unhealthy that can be for you.
If you are new here and you aren’t quite sure what No Contact is, then it’s exactly what it sounds like. It is a set amount of time that you spend without contacting your ex at all.
I know your heart probably dropped into your stomach just now.
It’s alright. Everyone feels that way, at first.
That feeling starts to go away about the same time that they get their ex back.
You can counteract that feeling by reading some of our No Contact success stories or just a few stories about our ladies that got their exes back.
Now that you have some peace of mind, let’s talk about how you can avoid feeling like you’ve lost that support line that you were so used to having around. Because even if you are at a point where you feel secure in your friendship/connection with your ex, at some point you will realize that it just isn’t the same anymore.
Right now, those of you that just went through a break up and are in that weird limbo stage of “what do I do now?”, you know those that are still window shopping ways to get your ex back and aren’t quite ready to commit to No Contact, bookmark or pin this article right now.
Why?
Because, even if you aren’t sure where you are or what to do right now, this site is your BEST bet at getting your ex back. Yeah there are several others, but you won’t find a single other site that will do for you what ExRecovery does.
But, then again, I guess you’d just have to stick around to find out.
Now, let’s talk about how to fill that hole left by the loss of your support system.
How, do you replace one person that you relied on for almost all of your emotional support?
I mean, a lot of us talk to our partners about EVERYTHING. I know that I personally find myself talking to mine about things I can’t talk to my parents or friends about, or even about my parents or friends. (Let’s be honest, we don’t always agree with our parents or friends on everything anyways.)
There is a common phrase that I think applies to this situation better than I would’ve thought when I first heard it as a child.
“Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.”
Imagine carrying several baskets. Each one is a relationship you have in your life, whether it’s romantic, a friendship, or a familial one.
Let’s use me as an example.
I have three best friends,J , L, and B, and then my parents. They are my closest friend and familial connections. That means I am carrying 5 baskets right?
Now, L usually relies more on me to help carry her emotional “eggs” so I tend not to put a lot of my “eggs” in her basket these days. Not to mention, she got married last year and our basket has grown significantly smaller.Most of her eggs and attention go to her husband these days, as they should. So, our basket can’t really hold that many eggs anyways. J is in Masters school, but he is pretty good about distributing his “eggs” between me and his fiance. So, I can rely on him to him carry a few eggs. B lives overseas, and generally our basket stays pretty full between the two of us. Then there are my parents. They can only handle certain grade “eggs.” I can’t always talk to them about everything. So, when I get into a relationship, I tend to test the connection to see if it can be balanced with my other baskets and if it can handle the weight of a few “eggs.”
Now, what do you think happens if I take all of my eggs and move them into that relationship basket?
It makes the basket heavy, right?
The other baskets will have to be made smaller so I can use both hands to hold it.
Most of the time, those other baskets fade and you don’t even realize it because you’re so focused on your relationship basket.
Now, let’s say all my eggs are in that relationship basket, then it just disappears! Either the weight of the emotional “eggs” put too much strain on the handle or some other reason. Poof! Just like that!
I’m left juggling eggs because they won’t fit in the tiny baskets that are still hanging around.
There is no way I can keep up with that forever. Especially after a breakup when it seems like those emotional “eggs” seem to multiply.
I mean, I’m a pretty talented juggler, but even I would end up with a bunch of egg on my face.
So, what should you do to keep from ending up emotionally scrambled? (Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the egg puns.)
Is this your next step?
Nah. Not unless it’s always been your dream to run away to join a circus.
What you are going to do is look at the baskets you had that have shrunk or faded.
You see, No Contact only works if you have that emotional distance from your ex. You can’t really do that if you feel the urge to run to him every single time something happens that gets your emotions stirred up. And you can’t really lean on him with the emotional aftermath of the relationship. If you do that, he is SURE to run for the hills.
A lot of girls do this in an attempt to play on his emotions and make him regret the breakup. But, generally speaking, this doesn’t work. It only makes him crave distance from you.
Have you lost a few good connections in lieu of your relationship? Do you not have those people you once had that you could rely on? Or have you stopped relying on them as much?
Now is the time to reconnect with THOSE people and rebuild those relationships.
The goal here being not making the same mistakes again. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Spread them around.
An important thing to point out is that, whether you kept your friendships and relationships with family alive and working, you can’t expect to fill those baskets with only your “eggs.”
Yes. Yes. I know that urge to talk about your breakup and your ex constantly… all the time… to anyone who will listen.
But the fact of the matter is that if your people can’t rely on you to let them put their “eggs” in the basket too, that basket is going to start to shrink again as they pull away.
The same thing will happen if you start overloading one person with all of your eggs.
You can’t just have one person as a support system. It puts too much strain on the relationship.
I have a simple solution for this.
Well, actually EBR, does.
When you start the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Process, we have an option to opt-in to the EBR Facebook Group.
In all honesty, this is what it exists for.
When things get to be too much, talking to people who understand your situation an take some of the strain off of your relationships.
Be honest, some of your friends’ eyes have already started to glaze over every time you open your mouth. I know my mom’s did every time I mentioned my first ex. I mean, I was devastated, and because she was my mother, she felt obligated to listen to my every woe. But even she would glaze over or look annoyed. She couldn’t help it.
You want to know the best part about the Facebook Group?
Currently, that basket is carried by over 1,200 people and it is ever-growing.So, it can handle ALL of the emotional “eggs” you can throw at it.
Avoid Emotional Instigators.
There are somethings that will set you off down an emotional spiral that you have no control over. And once you get down that path it can seem like it takes an act of Congress to get out of it.
So, what are some common emotional instigators, or triggers, that people face after a breakup?
- Driving by his house
- Hanging out in places that were “yours and his”
- Music or movies that stir memories
- The things that he left scattered around your house
There are so many things that could bring on an onslaught of emotions. Seriously, one of my exes bought me a tiny elephant and named it Humprey… as in Bogart. I had to avoid elephants and Casablanca for a while.
Basically, as you recognize triggers just make a mental not to avoid them and, if they are actual things around your house, just stick them in a box in the back of your closet for a bit where you won’t see them constantly.
Part 3: Break Habits
Everyone has habits, but breakups tend to bring out the worst in people.
“Treat Yourself” Thinking I’m feeling crummy, so I’m going to do all sorts of things that are unhealthy. I’m going to eat entire tubs of ice cream and multiple bottle of wine while marathoning Netflix. I mean, maybe once riiiiight after the breakup. But letting this become a habit or a way of thinking, you are basically building walls in front of your goals.
Seriously, it doesn’t make you feel better. It accomplishes nothing. And it doesn’t help anyone, except maybe Bluebell and Franzia companies. I get that you feel bad, but there is no way that going zombie and vegging helps get your ex back.
SOLUTION: When the desire to indulge in self-sabotaging, unhealthy behavior, redirect toward something you can do that is healthy.
You can do this by recognizing what sets off that initial indulgent thought and redirecting toward something healthier for you that could possibly help your situation.
Some, healthy replacement behaviors could be anything that temporarily distracts you from that unhealthy desire.
For example, if you feel the need to eat all of the junk food in your house, go for a walk and listen to some peppy music or a podcast.
Asking the same question until you get an answer you like. I see this a lot… no really, a LOT. Where you ask one person what they think you should do, and they don’t give you the answer you want. So, you find yourself asking anyone willing to answer till you get the answer you want. If you’re going to do that, you might as well just do what you want anyways. you wouldn’t succeed in getting your ex back but you’d tick off less people. So, there’s that.
SOLUTION: If you recognize this pattern (and now that I’ve mentioned it, you will), ask a professional. And by professional, I mean us! You can ask in the comments below, or you should join our Facebook Group where you have access to our team ALL THE TIME! (Just make sure the person you are talking to is part of the team. A lot of the time, people in the group will lead you to do what they would do. And, you guessed it, what they would do is pretty close to what you want to do. So, it’s not always the best idea.
So, talk to an ExRecovery Team Member or, at least, evaluate what you are consider. Something I’ve found to almost always be true, if it’s easy or something you WANT to do, it’s probably not the best course of action.
Fantasizing believe it or not, imaginary relationships can be just as addicting as actually being in a relationship can be. So, if you are spending all of your time thinking about the relationship you could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve had, just STOP IT!
Most of the time, you won’t even realize you are doing this until you stop and realize that it isn’t real and that sadness sets in.
SOLUTION: This is another one of those things you kind of have to figure out what is causing it. What is that first thought that gets you starting on this path? For, me I recognized that every time I checked my phone, even if I wasn’t checking for a text from him, I would start to think about where I went wrong, which would spin into what could have been.
One Solution to Trump All Emotional Hurdles
Most of the triggers and habits have something to do with where your mind wanders to, as if it isn’t occupied enough. You find yourself thinking about your ex when you really should be thinking about something more important. It’s not unusual to have obsessive thoughts after a breakup. And for the most part, they are harmless… unless you are operating heavy machinery, sharp objects, or trying to get your ex back. (I actually have a friend who almost lost a finger because he was daydreaming about his ex. Luckily, a very talented doctor sewed it back on for him, and he only lost partial mobility in it.)
You’re going to laugh when I say this, and probably even doubt it.
Ready?
Are you sure?
Alright, you asked for it.
It’s writing, or, more appropriately, journaling.
There is a specific way you should go about this though.
You are going to basically start it as a stream of thought. That means write down EVERYTHING that comes to mind as you think it. Eventually you’ll reach a question.
Write it down.
Then answer it as best as you can. Then, you are going to move on to the next thought that hits your mind. Don’t sit and dwell on the question.
Do this every day for a week.
After your week is up, you are going to go back and read what you wrote. And, in your next entry, you are going to re-answer those questions.
You see, most of the time when we write, we are in one mindset, but then when we go back and read it, we find a bit more clarity.
For example, reading something you wrote 6 days ago, you might see the situation differently. A lot can happen in 6 days.
If you also write about the happenings of your day can help you recognize those thoughts that initiate your self-sabotaging behaviors and start stopping them before they begin.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhere Do You Go From Here?
Well, I know that your goal is to get your ex back, and everyone wants to see immediate results. No one wants to take the first steps, they just want to be over that wall already.
Well, I hate to tell you, but you can’t achieve anything without putting in the work.
So, that being said. let’s look back at what we talked about today, because we covered… a lot. But overall, we learning how to Move On Without Moving On.
I know what you’re thinking
“Wait a minute, we did?”
Yep, we sure did!
let’s look back, what are the things we talked about?
We talked about:
- Preparing Emotionally
- Setting Up Countermeasures
- Breaking Habits
Now, you are probably thinking that that sounds an awful lot like moving on. Well, this is how you create that emotional distance that you need during No Contact. It allows you to build an Ungettable Girl Life.
By the way, if you don’t know what an Ungettable Girl is, you should definitely check out the link. It is an integral part of the ExBoyfriend Recovery Program. It basically turns you into a magnet. Your ex won’t be able to avoid being curious.
Now, if you are still thinking,
“I need more!”
Well, Chris did this excellent interview with Samantha Burns where they talk about how to survive a breakup.
Alright, so I think I’ve given you enough to think about for one day. But I’ve also given you access to plenty of other information if you are still itching for knowledge. AND if you are still needing more after that, there is always the Ex Boyfriend Recovery System.
Yeah, I know. I’m just so nice.
So, taking what we learned today I’m going to do one more thing for you.
Let’s start a conversation about your breakup in the comments below.
I want to know a few things
- What habits you’ve gotten into since your breakup?
- Who is a part of your support system now that you don’t have your ex to rely on?
- What countermeasures can you put into play?
- Lastly, I want to hear about the circumstances surrounding your breakup.
Sound good?
By doing this, we can help you get a better grasp on what the next step is in your journey to getting your ex back.
Lav
March 13, 2020 at 11:37 am
Hi!!
Its been just 4days since v broke up. I really dont know the reason. It was him who initiated it saying a lame reason. I even doubt if he ever had feelings for me. I can very well say that i have improved a lot emotionally with the help of ur site. But still the anxiety and confusion is very well seen in my face. Yes! I am confused though!! I really dont have any support system as my mother feels it was inappropriate for him to break up with me and shld cut off ties even in future. I sit thinking whether should i try getting him back or just move on! I am not able to decide. So much of uncertainty in circumstances.. He looks pretty normal and is carrying on with his work. Worst part is we both live in same building. Every day i had to go to his house cause his father is taking a language class for me. Glad that i hvnt spoken a wrd to him since he brkke up though he txted me. I am cinfused as to wat to decide and how do i manage this anxiety and get happy once again
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 18, 2020 at 1:10 am
Hi Lav, while you are confused go into a No contact and stay there for until you know what you want to do. If you choose to move on stay with no contact, if you want to get back together then you can reach out after you have completed 30 days of NC
Jasmine
May 7, 2019 at 11:54 pm
So I did the worst thing and fell in love with a married man. At the time, he had one child with her and this was the main reason he was finding it so hard to believe. We spent on and off two and a half years together and I will be honest. He treated me like nothing more than a friend with benefit. Even worse actually as our entire relationship consisted of one movie at a theater and all the rest of the time was spent on coffee shops, car sex, and lunch time breaks, and you guessed it…more sex.
We texted all day everyday and I receieved hundreds of pictures of him and his daughter. I was a part of his every single day. Just not publicly. And then one day he dropped the bombshell on me that his wife was pregnant again with their second child. Even then i didnt stop talking to him. Even though I should’ve. But eventually he just started fading out closer to the delivery day. I never thought I’d hear from him again and then he messaged me to tell me he loves me and needs me. This was about 2 months after baby was born. So I caved AGAIN and we started texting and chatting. Things were the same and then one day we were having a serious conversation (texting as usual) . Where I mentioned I wanted kids one day with or without him. He immediately changed. Forgetting i stood by him with two children. He started getting distant and cold . Started ignoring me etc. Then finally he agreed to come over to talk. Guess what. We didnt talk. He came over to have sex. So i messaged the next day telling him how hurt I was and went emotionally off on him and he GHOSTED. We work together kind of. Same building. And hes gone out of his way to avoid me. He wont reply wont talk. Its like i dont even exist . Hes goinng on a trip with wife and kids in 10days and i am going crazy. What do i do? He used to talk to me all day every day . Told me we have a once in a lifetime connection. Love of his life etc. I need him back. I think…
Ferdinand Leo
November 5, 2018 at 11:53 am
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Luna
February 17, 2018 at 5:25 am
Hi! I just broke up with my boyfriend of six years. After being friends for most of our lives and dating for six years, I think we got in sort of a comfort zone. We didn’t go out as often, because of work we didn’t see each other much and the relationship got stuck in calling and texting and seeing each other one or two times a week. Now he feels the relationship got stuck and that he’s not in love with me anymore. He still cares and talked about maybe in the future giving it one more try. Since the breakup I can’t eat, sometimes I spent 2 or 3 days without eating. I can’t sleep from overthinking and have shut myself out. I don’t have many friends, right now only two and they have been listening to me and trying to make me feel better. My family has been a great support. It’s really recent and I just wish I could get him back.
Anon
February 16, 2018 at 2:29 am
Hi!
It’s been 4 hours since my ex broke up with me over facetime after we got into an argument. Last month was really stressful and I found out he had been lying and hiding things from me. We got into a fight because I tried to surprise him with a Valentine’s day gift tomorrow and he wanted to know everything about it in order to conclude if he even wanted it. We started fighting and I hung up. He facetimed me to say my gifts were shitty, he was too annoyed with me to want to be together and I should go annoy someone else. He’s the kind of guy when he’s angry he’s good at being mean. We constantly break up and minutes or hours later we’re back together. Our longest separation was 2 weeks in October. We are super in love, and bring out both the best and worst in each other. He was very open about wanting to marry me and bragged to all his friends of how great I am. I expect he will contact me tonight or by the end of this week at least bc we always do this. But I am tired of this cycle, I want to be sure we are meant to be and he can change. Do I immediately implement the no contact rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 19, 2018 at 11:26 am
Hi Anon,
Yup, are you in nc now?
AJ
January 19, 2018 at 10:12 pm
Hi Amor,
So dated this guy for about a month, saw each other twice every week for the full day, I knew up front that he’d be gone for the entirety of next month for work, we had a conversation prior to the break up about sexual exclusivity and i said i didn’t feel comfortable with him potentially sleeping with someone else while he was gone, he said he probably wouldnt be sleeping with anyone in 2/3 locations he was going to for work, but that he was going to have a party weekend with friends at one of the places he was traveling to for fun. Last night, he ended things with me saying he couldn’t commit to us. I pretty much pretended like I was cool with everything and said I appreciated his honesty and respected his decision. He seemed surprised I had nothing else to say. He attempted to have sex with me, but I didn’t allow him to. I hugged him goodbye and he seemed very sad. He’ll be gone next month (February), but will return in March. I was enjoying going with the flow and getting to know him and I miss him. Do I go no contact until he comes back, or do I send him a text seeing if he wants to restart things on a more casual basis without the pressure of commitment when he comes back in March? To be clear, other than bringing up sexual exclusivity, I never really brought up commitment or pressured him. I’m unsure of what to do :/
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 21, 2018 at 4:53 am
Hi Aj,
If you’re going to initiate after nc, don’t ask that.. Treat this as a restart that you’re just friends.. Don’t ask to be friends, just act friendly.. And if you’re going to do nc, since you only dated for a month, just go 21 days…
Anon
December 20, 2017 at 10:44 pm
Hi Amor,
How can he not have feelings for me after being together for 5 years and him asking me to be his wife? It all seems very rushed into this decision and ir doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe he doesn’t love me anymore i just new i couldn’t argure the case. I feelbecause this last year has bern stressful and boring he had gond for someone who is young carefree and has no responsabilities and that’s not real life. With this girl she is a distraction how could he of dealt with 5 years of feeling in just 4 days?! I think attracting him back will be with the weightloss being confident and hapy againand my complete shock into showing him i have changed will be doing a sky dive next year which is what he has always wanted to do. What do you think? Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2017 at 11:10 pm
I meant just acting in that mindset.. I didn’t mean he really didn’t have feelings at all.. because it’s better to approach it that way than to keep on grasping and hoping if there’s anything left.
Anon
December 20, 2017 at 7:24 pm
Hi,
So here’s my story, me and my ex have been split for two months now he has got with a girl 7 years younger than him and they entered a relationship 4 days after he officially told me he doesn’t want to be together. We were engaged and had been together for 5 years. He met this girl at work and insists he never cheated they were just talking until we broke up. I don’t know the truth. He took her away for the weekend on what was supposed to be our 5 year anniversary. He has been nothing but disrespectful and cruel since we split. Leading up to the break up as far as i was aware everything was fine. The last year has been stressful because we bought a house and hadn’t been going out that much especially as we were saving for a wedding (he proposed a month after we moved in to our house) i did get complacent and I controlled the finances which resulted in me always saying no because we couldn’t afford it. He even agree to have a baby with me and then said he agreed with this to go along woth what i wanted. A month before he broke up with me was our engagement anniversary and he wrote me a card saying ‘I can’t wait to be your husband’. I never asked him to write those words. It’s like he doesn’t want responsabilty and wants to go back to his youth. He has moved back to his mums house pays no rent and she does his washing and cooks his dinner. I am so confused as to why this has all happened and this all is not in his character at all. I am finding it so hard to let go because this is not him. Since the break up I have lost 2 stone in weight, been horse riding, clay pigeon shooting, joined the gym and booked a tattoo. I have blocked him from having any contact with me as I drunk called him a couple of weeks ago and don’t trust myself with his number. I have come off from all social media because if i have it active i will look at his profile and see what he is doing with this new girl and it sets me back. I feel as though i need to get stronger and work on myself. Before we met i was so confident, care free and independent. I became ill and suffered with anxiety and depression during our relationship that I became very insecure and dependent on him. 30 days just does not feel long enough to me as I need to work on myself first and become better. I know i will have to see him to discuss the sale of our house and i want to be completeley transformed, thats what i am working towards not for him but for me. This will be a few months down the road and obviously his relationship with this mew gorl would of progressed. Would it be too late by then?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2017 at 10:32 pm
Hi anon,
At that point, approach it like a restart..how are you going to attract a person who doesn’t have feelings for you?
Tran
December 13, 2017 at 7:31 am
Hi team Ex boyfriend recovery,
I read a lot of articles on this website. I love to read these articles although I’m no longer involved with my ex-boyfriend any more. It’s been more than 6 months I broke up with him – a long distance relationship lover. But until now I still keeping his gifts and our emails back and forth, especially I do like to listen to his music. We exchanged more than 600 love songs. When I listen to his music it recalls all happy memories we had together in past.
After read this article I became confused. Should I delete all the emails and remove the gifts too? Give me your advice.
Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2017 at 10:10 am
Hi Tran,
If it’s not helping you move on, yes..
Crystal
December 6, 2017 at 6:44 am
When you mentioned he was clear with his. Can you clarify what you mean? Do you mean he was clear with his intentions which was to not wait? I know he couldn’t meet my standards but sadly that doesn’t change the fact that I still miss him (even after 60 NC) and feel like things are unresolved until we talk (foolish I know but he really did a number on me an as it’s mentioned on this site emotion washes over logic lol) and I want him in my life from at least a friendship perspective which is why I’m messaging for help on how to get him back in my life. What is your suggestion then on how to approach this and what to text so I can get a response? 🙁 Do you agree with my earlier text of saying though I feel like I was not treated fairly, I would like to put it behind us and be friends? Then a positive curious message? Sorry I know I’m still stuck on asking the same question but could really use the help as I can’t get over this guy it seems.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 10, 2017 at 5:50 pm
Yup, on him not waiting…well, moving on doesn’t mean you’ll forget what you feel..but if you really just want to be friends, yeah you could say that to him…but frankly, I know you’re hoping he will change or that he will be sweet with you again, just always remind yourself that remaining friends means you’re the one lowering yoir standards and that means in his mind, he can try to be friends with benefits later on..
Crystal
December 5, 2017 at 6:23 am
Thanks Amor. To answer your question it’s because he treated me like a princess when we were dating but after we were intimate obviously I was not treated right but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps it’s because he didn’t know how to handle telling me the truth that he couldn’t wait. So yes I guess I’m hoping to see the side of him that I thought I knew so well, the guy that I was dating before he disappeared. I agree with you it is the most confusing situation I have ever been in hence why I’m asking for help.. lol! Is he a con artist or actually a nice guy who just ran as he didn’t know how to tell me the truth that he couldn’t wait for sex? Is there a genius text to send to figure this out? 😀
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2017 at 8:18 pm
All people give their best foot forward at the start.. For me, you should move on, because if he was really serious about you, he would understand what your standards are.. He was clear with his, you’re just hoping that it would change for you..
Crystal
December 1, 2017 at 7:14 pm
Thanks Amor for your help. Just one last question though I’m having problems just initiating a friendly text. So unlike everyone who might have reacted emotional during the breakup, we never even had a phone call for the breakup.. we didn’t even breakup it was a message with an excuse of needing time away so the only thing I did was respond nicely to giving him space to figure things out and initiated NC and never reached out to him again and he has never reached out to me and it’s been 60 days of NC. So for me I have hurt feelings that he has never heard about. What he did is not okay.. to be intimate with a girl for the first time and on top of that.. he did some slight 50 shades of grey on me and then we never saw each other again and he makes up some excuse because he can’t wait for intercourse meanwhile he did some backdoor action and now he can’t reach out as he can’t wait for sex and he is hiding as he lied however sadly I still miss him like crazy. So my question is how to strike a fine balance between standing up for myself that what he did was not okay and at the same time not scare him away and actually get a response. I want him in my life and do want to be friends with him at the very least. What text do I send? I know this is a challenge and it’s complicated. Thanks so much for your help on this matter!
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2017 at 12:49 am
Hi Crystal,
Frankly, if I was in your position, I wouldn’t be friends with him.. because if you’re being friends with him after that, it means what happened was something you didn’t take seriously because you were not looking something more than sex, else, you would walk away because what he did is not in your standards.. or is it because you’re hoping he would show a different side of him if you rebuild rapport?
Crystal Kelly
November 29, 2017 at 9:33 pm
Sorry Amor I’m confused, you would like me to do less of fb/instagram stories? His last message to me was that he knew what he was doing wasn’t fair to me which is why I was starting off with even though I felt he didn’t treat me well in the end, he did treat me very well throughout the time I knew him and would like to put things behind us and be friends. If this is not the best route, I’m open to a better text method. 🙂 Please let me know what you would suggest as a better text to get a positive response from an ex admirer who left as he couldn’t wait for sex? I purchased the Texting Bible but it doesn’t cover ex admirers (only ex boyfriends).. lol! Please advise! Thanks so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 30, 2017 at 8:05 pm
Yup, posts that after 24 hours disappears.. If you’re not doing it, good… You can still follow the texting advice for ex bfs.. dont ask to be friendly nor explain why you’re being friendly..just be friendly.. Initiate a text with a topic of his interest..
Crystal Kelly
November 29, 2017 at 4:29 am
Hi, just wanted clarity on your question about posts that stay unless I remove them? I have been actively improving myself and posting pics of me looking pretty and doing awesome stuff with awesome people. 🙂 What should I do next and which text will work on the ex-admirer?
I feel like he didn’t treat me well at the end although he made me feel so wonderful like a queen while we were dating and made me feel worthless when he wasn’t honest about his reason for not being able to wait and disappeared. But there was something special and I miss having him in my life (as a friend at least) and I’m thinking of saying even though he didn’t treat me properly at the end, I’d like to be friends then insert one of the positive memory texts from your texting bible. 🙂 I’m making that statement to ensure he knows he messed up and I’m the one giving him the chance to be friends rather than starting off with a “Hi, remember that time (insert positive memory)…etc.” which makes me feel like I’m the one begging him to be friends. I am open minded however to whichever method you think would work best though…if you think I should use the latter and not start off with bringing up his mess up then I’ll do that.. whichever the experts think will work best in bringing him back in my life.
Thanks so much in advance for your help! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 29, 2017 at 2:59 pm
Ah, sorry, that was meant to be a period..I meant do less of fb/instagram stories or snapchat posts.. You can try that message but expect that he will either defend himself or pull back a little because that’s offensive to him and confusing.. Because he might be thinking if you really didn’t like the way he treated you, why are you still talking to him?
Kristen
November 28, 2017 at 5:23 am
Hi,
I am no longer trying to get my ex back but I would still appreciate some dating advice. I met someone new two months ago at a college alumni club event. We started talking at several events after that (for hours). And then we finally went on our first real date two weeks ago. But I’ve known him for two months now. Our first real date was great and we spent many hours together. It got really coupley and PDA filled and we talked a lot about other things we could do together in the future. I’ve met a few of his friends and we have mutual friends. We have now slept together and he has been gone for two weeks on vacation. During those two weeks we talked a handful of times and it was flirty. He got back yesterday but he has not made any plans to hang out with me on another one on one date. We have only talked about an alumni club event that we are planning in a couple of weeks. It has now been about three days since we last talked and I’m wondering if and when he is going to ask me out. Also, we follow each other on social media and he has been liking a lot of my posts and watching all of my snapchat and instagram stories. I’m wondering what I should do from here. Should I wait for him to reach out or should I text him first? He seemed really into me but now I’m starting to get fearful of the lack of him asking me out so far. I really do like him. What do I do? just wait?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 29, 2017 at 2:00 pm
Hi Kristen,
If you’re not officially together, that means you’re friends with benefits.. Check this one:
EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
Crystal Kelly
November 27, 2017 at 4:55 am
Hi Chris,
I’m having problems understanding what falls under the definition of an ex…..Is a guy that you dated for 4 dates and was intimate with on the 4th date an ex and would the no contact rule work on him? The guy showered me with compliments and gifts and put me on a pedestal throughout the whole month we dated and we talked about a lot of future plans. Then we were intimate (slight backdoor action which caught me by surprise) since I told him I wasn’t ready to go all the way (front door) lol then he realized he couldn’t wait and said sorry, made up an excuse and we haven’t spoken since. Would the no contact rule work on him? By the way I did buy your texting bible and was wondering which text would work on him (I have done NC on him for almost 60 days now..he hasn’t reached out but we are still connected on all social media including the dating app we met on and we had promised to be friends if the dating didn’t work out though obviously I’m not sure where we are at now since we haven’t spoken). Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks so much for all your help and advice in advance! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2017 at 1:38 pm
Hi Crytal,
He’s not an exboyfriend.. more like an ex admirer.. how active are you in improving yourself and in doing posts that stays unless you remove them?
Rebecca
November 27, 2017 at 12:55 am
It’s been 3 months since we broke up, 2 months since he moved out. I approached him twice in those 2 months. Last time was 2 weeks ago, since then I’m trying NC (despite the fact I’m blocked anyway)..
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2017 at 1:29 pm
Hi Rebecca.
are you doing new activities to help you grow in the health, wealth and relationships aspect of your life?
Rebecca
November 27, 2017 at 12:45 am
My ex and I met at Uni last year and were eachothers first loves and first relationship (he’d been with people before sexually but no feelings). We lived together so had a very intense relationship for 1 year – he was besotted with me and chased me at first. People would always say he was punching and he himself thought that I think, though I didn’t. I did everything for him, supported him loyally and his family loved me (he said he loved introducing me to people). We have so much in common and were best friends, similar odd sense of humour which is hard to find (lots of people take him the wrong way). He had a trip booked when we met which involved going to the other side of the world for 3 months over the summer to play a sport, he asked me to go so we went (I worked solidly all year to save) and it was too much time intensively with eachother and we started arguing. Big arguments over small things. He’s bad at communicating and I’m very emotional (he isn’t) so he got a bit overwhelmed. We got back and were meant to be moving in together for second year of uni. He broke up with me the day he came back to uni, said he didn’t love me anymore and cried a lot. I begged him to reconsider. I live locally so didn’t move in. He messaged the next day about something trivial, I gave short replies. Messaged again the day after and said he was confused and wasn’t sure what he wanted and shouldn’t really make any decisions while he was feeling like this. Messaged him a few days later just saying hi and got anger and nasty comments in response. Since then that’s all I’ve had. I begged for a month and got more nasty comments and anger. Then moved in to the house myself, he started trying to make trivial conversation and we even started to joke again, but he still had a wall up. But then I went over while he was speaking to a girl in a club (know I shouldn’t have but was a natural reaction) and we had a massive argument (for the first time I said things I shouldn’t have and got quite personal). He then decided to move out and told me never to contact him again. I bumped into him out again and apologised and said I’d do anything to make things better. He just got angry and stormed off despite the fact I was being lovely. I tried to say hi once more since then and again he just walked off. He’s blocked me on everything. I can’t help but think the anger is him trying to stop himself going back to me. He said even if he missed me he’d think about how it got towards the end and not let himself go back. I care about him a lot and think he doesn’t know how to cope with the break up (very priveleged background and has never had much hardship) and feel like he’s almost broken up with me to prove a point that he would, even though I’m pretty sure the situation of a bedsit for 3 months is probably what did it. I’ve just got an awful feeling it’s going to be a case of him returning in 3 years when he has seen other girls and realises how good he did have it (his parents broke up and got back together after uni). I just don’t know how he could possibly want me how he used to when the only thing I can do is look good when he walks past me on a night out. I’m trying to focus on work and hobbies but can’t help but think this is such a shame. He takes ages to get over anger so the general time frame might not be appropriate with him. Any advice would be appreciated as I’m at a loss.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2017 at 1:29 pm
Hi Rebecca.
are you doing new activities to help you grow in the health, wealth and relationships aspect of your life?