Almost a year ago I wrote an article on how to get your ex boyfriend back if he has a girlfriend. That article turned out to be the third most popular article in the history of this site. Right now there are 1700 comments on the page and it doesn’t look like that number will stop anytime soon.
I have received praise for writing it and have even received some personal messages on Facebook from women thanking me for “opening their eyes to the truth about men.” So, you would think that with all the success that, that particular article has had I would be happy but I am not.
I don’t think it’s any secret that I am very different from most people out there who run websites around ex boyfriends. Where they would see an amazing success I see an area that needs improvement. Honestly, every time I open this site and think back to the early articles I wrote I am actually ashamed because I felt like I dropped the ball for you guys.
The how to get your ex boyfriend back if he has a girlfriend
article is a total of 1728 words. It bugs me that I am heralded as one of the few people who go to great lengths to give you in-depth information and every time I look at that “successful” article I feel ashamed because I didn’t go in-depth enough for you.
(Update: I have since re-written it so that it is the premier article. I recommend reading that article over this one.)
Well, that all changes.
Right here and right now!
Instead of writing an “article” I am going to be writing a full fledged guide that is going to be a lot longer than 1728 words. So, sit back and take the knowledge in because this one is going to be special!
Your Fear Of Other Women
If you were to ask me “what do you think all the women who visit your website are most afraid of?” I would definitely reply with two words.
Since you are this far down the page I am assuming that your worst fears have come true. Your ex boyfriend is now dating a new girlfriend. There is a lot to talk about here but I think what I want to tackle first has to do with your fear of other women.
It is impossible to control a human being. You can’t control what they think. You can’t control how they act and you sure as heck can’t control whether or not they talk to other people. This is a fact that many women visiting this site refuse to accept. The ironic part about all of this is that if you do try to control another human being they immediately resent you. I know I have resented it any time I have felt controlled in my life. Oh, and that just doesn’t go for in relationships. You should talk to me around tax time and I promise you I will have nothing nice to say about our government (which deep down I am really appreciative of.)
The point I am trying to get at here is that human being are going to do what they want to do no matter what. I want you to realize this before we move on because it is going to be really important.
Of course, you are here not because your ex boyfriend “talked” to another women he is actually dating one and this is going to be really hurtful for you.
How His Dating Affects You
I am the type of guy that has never really cared about a potential girlfriends past or future relationships. My mindset is very different from probably anyone you have ever met before. If you were to meet me in real life I would be shy but I would have this quiet confidence. In the back of my mind I am always thinking that “no guy that this girl can date can ever be better than me.”
How arrogant is that?
Well, it is very arrogant I am not going to lie but this is seriously the mindset I have. Deep down I know that there are a lot of people in this world and there is probably someone out there better than me but I always convince myself that I am the best. I don’t think I do it because I am trying to be conceited I am doing it because it will give me the mindset I need to have to be the best boyfriend I can possibly be. However, it also serves another very important purpose. It creates this strange confidence in myself and I rely on that confidence to get me through any interaction I have with a potential girlfriend.
What does any of this have to do with your ex boyfriend dating another girl?
I have a lot of experience dealing with women who have been hurt by a boyfriend in this situation (1700 comments of experience ;). Oh, and writing a book.) One thing I constantly notice is that women in this situation have really low self esteem. You know what really turns me off as a man about a woman? One that has zero confidence.
Have you ever heard that phrase fake it till you make it?
I say fake it until you become it!
I want you to have the arrogant “I am the best attitude.” I want you to get confidence from that. Sure, it may not be true at first but say it enough in your head until it becomes true. It doesn’t have to be an arrogant thing either. Use that mindset to work towards actually being the best version of yourself that ever existed if you feel that at the current moment you aren’t (that’s what I do.)
THAT is really what this is all about. Sure, he is dating another girl and sure it hurts but the more reliant you become on him and his actions the less likely you will be to get him back. Having the “I am the best” attitude will free you from being totally reliant on his every move. It will give you something else to focus on for a while.
(See there is a method to my madness.)
Two HUGE Factors You Can’t Ignore
(For more information on how you can get an ex boyfriend with a girlfriend back check out the E-Book.)
Before we start figuring out the actual “steps” that will be required in order to get your ex boyfriend back there are two big factors that we need to cover. These factors are so important that they will dictate how you approach your particular situation. They will also be a way in which you can determine if your situation is even worth trying.
So, what are these two factors?
Well, the first factor is the amount of time that elapsed before he started dating the new girl. Basically, I want you to imagine an imaginary timer. The second your breakup occurs this timer will start. Now, the timer will not stop until the moment his new girlfriend and him become “official.”
The second factor is a lot easier to understand. It is the amount of time that him and his new girlfriend have been dating. Pretty simple right?
Lets take a few moments and dive into each of these factors so we can determine why each of them are so important.
The Amount Of Time Before He Started Dating The New Girl
Why do you think this is such an important factor?
For me, this is the most telling indicator of a rebound. Lets go back to the example I gave above (you and me dating and breaking up.) Lets imagine for a moment that after our breakup a total time of 3 weeks elapsed before I got a new girlfriend. Now, you may be wondering why I picked that specific time frame. The truth is that 3 weeks is actually pretty common. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that in the comments.
Anyways, I bet you are wondering what is going through a mans head during that 3 weeks. The truth is that a lot of men react very similarly after a breakup. No matter who broke up with who the fact of the matter is that there is going to be pain on both sides of the breakup (both yours and his.) Most men will look to fill this pain by using other women to make themselves feel better.
This is something that I experienced during my very first breakup when I was 19 years old. Granted, at 19 years old I didn’t have the most mature relationship but that’s not what we are studying here. We are studying the reaction AFTER the breakup. I remember the first thing I felt I needed was to feel validated by other women. I needed to be told that I was still worth something since I felt I wasn’t in that relationship. So, my best friend picked me up and took me to a theme park to try to cheer me up.
While we were at the theme park he tried to get multiple women to talk to me. Now, I was in no mood to talk so I am sure I was incredibly rude to them but I did start to get some confidence back. In my head I was beginning to realize that I am worth something.
Now, even though I admit to wanting to feel validated by other women I am proud to say that I have never rebounded before. However, there will always be some men that refuse to face their pain head on and deal with it. So, instead of doing that they rebound with a girl who can constantly fill their need to feel validated.
One thing I do want to point out is the fact that everything I just described is assumed to happen in under a month. The actual amount of time that elapses matters a lot.
Lets flip the script for a moment and say that 7 months has passed instead of 3 weeks. Well, in this case I believe the circumstances are a little bit different. Assuming that your ex has gotten his spree of getting “random girls numbers” out of the way and he hasn’t dated anyone in that time frame it could be possible that he might be ready to date again.
So, what does this mean for your chances?
Well, I would be lying to you if I said you had as good a chance as you did with him getting a girlfriend in the 3 week example above. It just likely means that him getting a girlfriend 7 months down the road increases the chances that his new girlfriend is not a rebound. So, realistically it is going to take longer to get him back.
So, let me break all of this down for you because what we just covered may have been a lot to swallow.
Essentially the more time that elapses after your breakup with your ex and him becoming official with his new girlfriend the less likely it is that the relationship he just got into is going to be a “rebound.” Now, this also works in the reverse. The shorter amount of time that elapses the more likely it is that he just got into a rebound relationship.
If you would like to learn more about rebound relationships I urge you to check out my guide on them.
The Amount Of Time He Has Been Dating Her
This factor also ties into the rebound equation we are going on about.
Look, I know exactly what you are wondering.
“Is this new relationship with this new girlfriend serious or is it just going to be casual?”
Have I ever told you that I am a huge fan of the actions vs words equation? If you don’t know what that is take a look at Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO… And for those of you who are too lazy (check it out below,)
Actions vs Words- In order to truly understand what someone is thinking it is smarter to look at the actions they take rather than the words they say.
So, how would this theory apply in this instance? It’s quite simple really. If you really want to know how serious a relationship is going to be just take a look at the amount of time that has elapsed when the couple has been “official.” I would say anything above 7 months can be considered something more serious. Of course, that means that a 2 month relationships may not be considered “serious.”
You find yourself in a very awkward position though. You see, you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back who probably just got into a relationship with a new girlfriend. Thus, the “action” of time elapsing hasn’t really had a chance to play out in your case.
What does this mean?
I am going to try to make this as simple as possible for you.
Right now your ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend probably haven’t had enough time to figure out if their relationship is going to be considered “serious.” Unfortunately, you are in a bad position because there isn’t a lot you can do right now. So, what I want you to do is keep an eye on their relationship. The more time that elapses the higher the chances are that their relationship could become serious.
This invariably means that the longer they date the worse your chances are of getting your ex boyfriend back. I know that is probably not what you want to hear right now but I am not in the business of telling you what you want to hear. Instead, I prefer to tell you what you need to hear.
So, this begs an interesting question.
What does any of this have to do with knowing if your ex is in a rebound relationship?
While it is true that the more time that your ex dates his new girlfriend the worse your chances become of getting him back it is also true that the less he dates the new girl the greater your chances become of getting him back.
Lets say that he ends up dating this new girl for a total of 2 months. After the 2 months elapse a breakup occurs. Chances are high that the new girl was considered to be a “rebound.”
Why is this such a good thing?
Well, I am a guy and I can tell you that every girl I date I always compare to the previous girl I have dated. Why do men (not just me) as a whole do this? Well, it is all about quality. Men always want to have the most “quality” girl.
So, lets say that I date a girl who I consider to be “quality.” Unfortunately the two of us break up… :(. After the breakup I go on the “rebound” and start dating another girl. It is only natural that I will compare the “rebound” to my old girlfriend. Now, lets say that the rebound doesn’t even compare to the standard that the old girlfriend set. Chances are very high that I won’t date the rebound for very long.
Another Speech On Logical Thinking
(If you need more “step by step” information on getting an ex back I urge you to check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
A few weeks ago I was asked an interesting question in one of the comments.
“How did you get so good at this?”
The truth is that I am not so good at this. I am just like you. I don’t consider myself to be a relationship expert (though everyone seems to give me that title) and I don’t even think what I talk about is that “revolutionary.” However, I would say that I have one very rare quality in humans. I have the ability to let my logic trump my emotions.
Have you ever heard that saying “when emotions run high, logic runs low?”
It’s so true. However, the reason I trotted it out in this guide is because YOU are in a situation where your emotions are probably going to trump your logic a lot. I want you to know ahead of time that it is ok. It is human nature and everyone is going to make impulsive decisions based on emotions at times.
The trick to giving yourself the best chance to get your ex boyfriend back is to have a very logical mindset.
Now, I used to believe that was all you needed. However, I have changed my tune a little bit on that. I believe there is a time for emotions. In fact, emotions can be amazing if you use them correctly. The problem is that at the beginning of this process, especially in your case, emotions are usually not your friend.
- They will make you fight with your ex.
- They will make you say things you won’t be able to take back.
- They will make you desperate.
- They will even make you a text gnat..
The point is that emotions at the beginning part of this process are not a good idea. This brings us back to the beginning where I said that I have a “special ability,” the ability to let my logic beat down my emotions.
Trust me. I have been through some dark times in my life (mostly my own doing I might add.) You don’t think I wanted to pick up the phone and beg for my ex back? You don’t think that I have been so lonely before that I wanted to just find someone to be there (or essentially use them to make myself feel better?)
I have wanted to do those things really badly, but I didn’t.
I had the ability to think ahead to how those actions may affect me and the other person involved in the future.
Chances are, that the “dark times” I gave above wouldn’t work in my favor at all. I was only able to come to this conclusion by setting aside my emotions and thinking logically about the situation. As usual, logic was right!
In order to be logical you almost have to have this special ability, the ability to think ahead and see the future. This is where things get tricky because everyone thinks they can do this, think ahead. However, people who “think” they can do it actually can’t because they are seeing an emotional future instead of a logical one.
Let me give you an example to kind of illustrate this point.
Lets say that person A is in the process of trying to get person B back. Unfortunately, person B is dating someone else. Essentially person A is in your exact situation. Now, person A has a strong urge to beg for person B back (please tell me I don’t have to explain why this is a bad idea.) Anyways, person A wants to remain logical about their decision to “beg.” If they think ahead and imagine an emotional future then they would most likely see something unrealistic like person B dumping their new girlfriend and running away with person A. While I suppose this is a possible outcome the chances of it happening are below one percent probably. Now, if person A imagined a logical future to begging they would probably see the bad consequences that begging has towards re-attracting an ex.
The morale of the story, be logical, not emotional.
My Promise To You
I am going to be straight with you for a moment.
Attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who has a new girlfriend is one of the hardest things to do. Even if deep down he is just using the new girl to fill the void that you left it still won’t be easy to get him back. Out of all the situations you will encounter on this website this will probably be the one that has the lowest chances of success.
Pretty scary huh?
Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to be prepared for anything that is thrown at you in the future. Now, before we really start to move on I want to let you into my personal life for a moment which is something that I rarely do. Ex Boyfriend Recovery is my baby. I have cared for this site from the beginning back when no one heard of it or cared about it. I learned really fast that in order for this site to be successful I had to go above and beyond the normal calling for a “regular” relationship site.
So, I want to make you a promise. All this stress you are feeling about the new girl and your ex, leave all that stuff up to me. It isn’t your job to think up the gameplan to get him back, it’s mine. All I want you to focus on is successfully implementing the gameplan I am about to give you.
(For a more in-depth gameplan on getting an ex boyfriend back please check out my E-Book.)
The gameplan for getting an ex boyfriend with a new girlfriend back is not a particularly easy one to understand. When I had the entire plan laid out in front of me all I could think was “how can I explain this to them in a really simple manner?”
The answer- I can’t..
So, I am going to do something I have never done before. I am going to break this gameplan up into three different parts and break it down from there. There are a few reasons that I would like to do things this way. For one, it will allow you to process the information in a much easier manner. However, it will also give you the ability to figure out what you need to do at every single juncture of the gameplan.
So, what are these three parts that I am breaking the “gameplan” up into?
- After The Breakup.
- During The No Contact Period.
- After The No Contact Period.
Each of these parts are equally important so don’t skip over them if you think they are not. It is important to read ALL of the information.
After The Breakup
When I say “after the breakup” do you have any idea what I am talking about?
This one is pretty self explanatory…
I am talking about that period of time that occurs after you and your ex break up. The thing I want to talk about specifically is that your ex is going to start dating someone new BUT a lot of things are going to occur during this time as well. For one, most women I meet make some big mistakes during this time frame.
The Mistakes You Make
Begging.. (oh wait, I already said that.)
Desperation is your mistake. I don’t think you realize how much of a mistake it is so let me just tell you. No guy wants to date a desperate woman. Sure, you may hear a guy say something like “I just wish for once that a woman actually chased me without me having to do anything.”
The truth is that this is not what we want.
I have been thinking a lot about desperation lately because I have been answering so many desperate women and I have come to one big conclusion.
The reason that men don’t like desperate women is that a desperate woman are easy to get.
Men don’t want want something that everyone can have.
While I understand that you being desperate to your ex boyfriend may not mean that “everyone” can have you I want you to put yourself in your exes shoes. He probably perceives the situation as “if I can make her this desperate I am sure every guy can…” What is special about that?
Months ago I was texting one of my friends. I was having a pretty bad day and feeling bad about being rejected by a girl in my personal life. My friend gave me probably the most insightful advice I have ever received. He said to me:
“Chris, the secret to women is making them feel like they are the only one in the world.”
This got me thinking a little bit. Not only did I find it incredibly insightful but I also began to realize that all I wanted to feel was that I was the center of a girls universe. So, men in a way also want to feel like they are the only one in the world for you.
The problem with desperation is that it makes you come off like you aren’t of high value or that you may act like this with any guy you deal with.
Being Too Available
Women are hard to get..
Most guys don’t know how to get a girl (sometimes I feel like I don’t either to be honest haha.) I mean, just look around the internet. Did you know there are actual courses completely based around how to pick up women? It’s true! Getting a girlfriend for most guys is a challenge.
Yet I always find it so interesting that the script completely flips after a breakup occurs. All of a sudden the woman becomes reliant on the man whereas at the beginning of the relationship it was probably the guy who was chasing the girl. So, what happened here?
I want you to take a step back for a moment. The fact that you are on this site reading this page tells me a few things.
- I definitely know that you are interested in getting your ex boyfriend back.
- I also know that since you are reading this page you REAAAALLLLYYY want him back.
It’s crazy right?
I mean, he is dating another girl right now so you must have strong enough feelings for him to want him back. These feelings can be your greatest strength but also your greatest weakness. At this stage, though, it is a weakness. You are becoming too reliant on him.
“Will he call?”
“Did he ever care about our time together?”
“Do you think he still thinks about me?”
I have an interesting idea.
I know it seems like I am being really hard on you and I am but I am doing this for your own good. (There is always a method to my madness.)
About a month ago I was communicating with a girl on Facebook that was in the middle of a no contact rule on her ex boyfriend (I will teach you about no contact later.) Anyways, during this period she decided that her ex had treated her so poorly that she didn’t want him back. While I was behind the scenes and had a direct tap into her feelings her ex didn’t. So, while she kept asking me the generic “will he call?, did he ever care?, do you think he still thinks about me?” questions she never let her ex know that she was feeling this. In other words, she was not available for him at all.
That was when a funny thing happened. All of a sudden her ex started texting her. After a while the “I still love you” texts started flowing in and now the rest is history.
The morale of this story?
If you are too available for a guy it can kind of ruin things. Don’t be so reliant on what a guy thinks or does. Living your life like that is not really living. Your life should be about one person and no one else, YOU.
The New Girlfriend
Seeing your ex boyfriend date another woman is not going to be an easy thing to live through. Especially if you want him back.
So, how are you supposed to handle this new girl?
Well, I am going to ask you to do something that you may not want to do. I want you to put yourself in the new girlfriends shoes for a moment. Believe it or not she is probably going to be threatened by you just like you are threatened by her. Thus, the new girlfriend is probably going to do some really mean things to you.
These things can include:
- Telling your ex to never talk to you again.
- Saying hurtful things about you.
- Trying to start a fight with you.
- Doing everything in her power to discredit anything positive left over from your previous relationship with your ex.
Now, most women who deal with situations like these go on the attack. I think that, that is the dumbest thing you could possibly do. Make no mistake about it, right now your ex boyfriend chose the new girl over you (rebound or not.) If you do get into a negative exchange with the new girlfriend you are probably going to accomplish one thing, bring your ex closer to her.
Imagine for a moment that you were trying to get me back but I had a new girlfriend. Maybe this new girlfriend was a rebound who I didn’t have a lot of feelings for. While I may have been slowly coming to the realization that the new girl wasn’t for me you did something that was a massive mistake, you engaged my new girlfriend on Facebook and had a Facebook war.
People are always looking for a common enemy. As messed up as it sounds it is unfortunately true. By engaging with the new girlfriend you just became our common enemy. Now, what happens when you become the common enemy?
You bring me closer to the new girlfriend thus prolonging the relationship.
This is one of the many reasons that I recommend the no contact rule. Lets talk a little about that now.
During The No Contact Period
(Find out more information about the No Contact Rule with my E-Book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
This is the second “section” that I have divided the gameplan up into. This will probably be the shortest section out of the three I talk about because there isn’t too much to go into.
So, what is this section about?
Well, it’s pretty self explanatory from the title..
(it’s the no contact rule.)
Why It’s Important In Your Case
You are really dumb..
(What did you say?)
I am sorry but right now it’s true. You are super emotional and a lot of the decisions you are making are not based on logic with a future in mind. They are based on emotions and as a result you are making error after error. Right now I know for a fact that you are way too reliant on your ex boyfriend.
Let’s stop for a moment and think about that. Isn’t it ironic that probably the smartest thing you can do to get your ex boyfriend back (and get him to dump his ex girlfriend) is to NOT care.
These are a few of the many reasons that I want you to try a no contact rule.
What is a no contact rule?
However, the gist of it is that for 30 days you are going to perform what I like to call a “freeze out.” Essentially you won’t pick up the phone to text, call or skype your ex. You also won’t pick up the phone if they call, text or skype you. This is a complete freeze out from them for an entire month.
Now, I know exactly what you are thinking.
“If I do a no contact rule won’t that just bring my ex closer with his new girlfriend?”
To that I have one simple response (well really three but who’s counting?) Lets look at your options here.
Option 1- Continue Doing What You Are Doing
Ya… because that has worked so well for you so far (eye roll.)
Look, what you are doing now obviously isn’t working because you felt the need to search the internet for further advice. Do you know what the definition of insanity is?
Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Don’t be insane.
Option 2- Turn Into A Text Gnat
You could try texting him with these super long text messages declaring your love for him.
Maybe that would work?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
This only works in one case, if you are actually dating the person and they want to hear from you.
Option 3- Implement The Gameplan (Which Includes NC)
You could do what I am recommending throughout this gameplan and work to slowly make your ex realize that the new girl isn’t anywhere near the woman that you are.
No contact is important throughout this process because it will allow you to evolve and give you time to reacquire that logical mindset that you need. As for convincing him to leave his new girlfriend. Well, I am going to show you how to make him decide all on his own to do it and you won’t even have to do anything crazy.
What You Need To Do During The No Contact Period
Simply doing a no contact rule isn’t the end of your job during this phase of the process.
No, I am afraid you will actually have to do some work.
Have you ever heard of the Ungettable Girl before? Well, it is basically my own creation. One day I was sitting at my desk and I was thinking. If I could create the perfect girl that any guy would chase what would she be like? So, I took out a pen and paper and start listing qualities down.
About ten days later I wrote one of the most popular guides on this site.
Striving towards becoming an UG (ungettable girl) during your no contact rule is going to do two things for you.
Thing 1- Make You More Attractive To Your Ex (And The Rest Of The World)
Imagine having the world at your fingertips?
Imagine being able to make any man drool?
Well, that is what I am basically trying to give you by urging you to achieve the ungettable girl status. Look, you want your ex boyfriend back and I understand that. However, imagine if a few months down the road your ex is still dating this new girl but he happens to run into you and you have achieved this UG status I keep going on and on about. Don’t you think he would start thinking that he made a mistake?
Thing 2- Give You A Backup Plan
Look, I am not going to lie to you because a lot of the women who visit this site are incredibly intelligent.
The success rate in this situation isn’t anywhere close to 100%.
I think that is pretty much common sense at this point. But if you do strive towards becoming the ungettable girl not only will it act as a goal to achieve but it will act as a backup plan if this gameplan doesn’t work out for you. I don’t want you to be empty handed and feeling like the world is over if things don’t go your way.
Think of being an UG as killing two birds with one stone.
- It will make you more attractive to your ex.
- It will allow you to move on and feel amazing about yourself as well.
After The No Contact Period
This final section, after the no contact period, is probably going to be the longest of the three that we will be talking about today.
Well, a lot has to be accomplished in this section.
- You have to reignite your exes feelings towards you.
- You have to influence your ex to leave his new girlfriend (and make him think it is his idea.)
- You have to make him comfortable enough to want to go on a date with you.
Obviously this section is going to deal with the period of time that occurs after the no contact rule. This means that you are going to have to figure out how to initiate contact with your ex again after a lot of time off from talking to them. Not to mention, the complexity of the new girlfriend is added into the fray so you have found yourself in quite the pickle. While I am going to tell you exactly what you need to do to succeed in your campaign to get your ex boyfriend back there is a concept you first need to understand.
I like to call it the “setting the bar theory”
Setting The Bar Theory
All men compare their girlfriends.
It is only human to compare the person you are currently with to the person you used to be with.
Whenever I explain this concept to people I like to explain it like this:
Every man has his own internal idea of what he considers to be the “perfect woman.” Every girl he ends up dating is going to be compared to this idea. Eventually a girl is going to come close to his idea of the perfect woman but we are talking about a member of the male species here so something is going to go wrong in that relationship (usually because of something he did.) Anyways, after a breakup occurs every single girl is going to be compared to the standard that the best girlfriend he ever had set.
This is the essence of the “setting the bar theory.”
Now, I want to hit the pause button for a moment and go over what I just covered because it is important for what we are going to be trying to do here.
- Every man has his idea of a perfect woman.
- When one girlfriend gets close to that “idea” she sets a standard.
- Every girl he dates after this is compared to that standard.
What we are going to be trying to do is highlight your best aspects so he uses this theory (setting the bar) to compare you to his new girlfriend. This can be especially effective if you do this right because not only will he begin to realize that the new girlfriend can’t compare to you but he will think that leaving her is his idea when really you were the one to plant the seed.
Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend After NC
I want to especially cover this because there is still a lot of confusion among the visitors of this site on how to properly approach an ex after the no contact rule.
The first thing I want to talk about actually has to do with the new girlfriend. A lot of women are scared to talk to men who have girlfriends.
There is nothing wrong with innocently talking to a man with a girlfriend. Look, I realize that you want your ex boyfriend back and I would never ask you to try to sabotage his new relationship with his new girlfriend but there is nothing wrong with talking to him as long as you stay away from controversial “feeling” topics.
All we are trying to do here is highlight your strengths so that he realizes the “bar” you set is way higher than the girl he is currently dating.
Now, obviously you can’t come out guns a blazing to do that right off that bat. You sort of have to lead up to it.
So, the initial text message I want you to send your ex has to be uncontroversial. However, at the same time it has to be really interesting (to get him to respond.) One of the best ways to do that is with the following text message.
(For more texting examples check out The Texting Bible)
The key to really making this work is having something really interesting to say after you send the text above. So, what would constitute as interesting? I might say something like this:
There are a few things I want you to take note of here. Notice how the tone of the messages that were sent was really friendly (almost playful.) This is a good opener because it yielded a response. Now, I do realize that in the example I provided above the responses aren’t exactly what you would call positive but this kind of opener is not conducive of a positive response. It is simply to open the conversation up. Once you have the conversation open with an ex you can text back and forth for a little bit and then I would like you to end the conversation.
Highlighting Your Strengths
How can you highlight your strong points while at the same time highlighting his new girlfriends weaknesses?
That is really the question.
Obviously you can’t come right out and say
“Hey, I am awesome and your new girlfriend is not.. WAKE UP!”
We are going to have to go about this more subtly. The first thing I think you need to do is think back to your relationship and list all the high points you can. For example, if you were to ask me to go back and list the best parts of my last relationship I think I would list the following qualities:
- I felt I was in a good mood any time I saw that person and this person was in a good mood when they saw me.
- I was definitely happy to be in a real relationship.
- I felt like there were times where the world ceased to exist and it was just me and her.
(Of course, I can give you the list for the worst parts of this particular relationship and unfortunately that list is a lot longer.)
This brings us to an interesting point. What if you start making your list of the “best qualities” but your mind keeps wandering back to the worst moments. I want you to stay away from these memories as much as possible. I have established throughout this site that men usually only respond positively to good memories so I don’t want you to touch the bad ones with a ten foot pole.
Get it? Got it? GOOD!
Once you have your list of good qualities in front of you it is time to integrate those into your conversation with your ex boyfriend. Now, this is where things get really tricky because you can’t say anything that your ex boyfriend will view as you trying to “highlight” yourself. In addition, you can’t say anything that he will view as you trying to break him and his new girlfriend up.
What I want to do now is use my own list of “good qualities” above as an example to show you how I would “highlight” myself without “highlighting” myself. If that makes any sense.
I think if I had to choose any of the qualities I listed above I would choose the one about being in a good mood. So, basically any time my (now) ex girlfriend and I saw each other we always seemed to be in a good mood. Now, how do you say that in a text message without crossing any of the “borders?”
I think I would try something like this:
(Again, you want to look at The Texting Bible if you want more texting examples.)
There is a lot to talk about here.
I think I want to start with the initial first text sent.
The “Isn’t it the greatest thing when you see someone and they just automatically put you in a good mood?” is really just used as a set up question. While perhaps it is a risky question to ask, ultimately, it is an innocent statement. I would just use that question as a way to test your ex boyfriend. To see how he responds to it. If he responds positively (like the person in the example above did) I would move on to the next part.
“Actually, I think that you and I were always pretty good about that.” This part of the second text message is meant to highlight your previous relationship, which is the whole goal of this exercise. Now, it is risky to send that alone because it may cross over some lines in your exes mind. That is why I added the last part. “That is probably why we get along so well even now.” I did something really clever here with this statement. Not only did I paint the current relationship between you and your ex in a positive light (you two still get along) but I also acknowledged something that maybe the two of you were afraid to admit, that whether you like it or not you actually still think about each other.
This was a long guide huh?
Actually it is over seven thousand words so I am impressed you read all the way to the end. I realize I left out a lot of the steps to accomplish the goals you need to accomplish but I gave you the overall gameplan that you need to succeed.
Forgive me for leaving things out though. I have to keep some content exclusively for those willing to pay for the E-Book.
I hope you enjoyed this guide. Feel free to leave a comment. I will be happy to answer your questions.