Does your ex want to be friends with you after a breakup?

Then you’re in the right place.

Today we are going to be tackling three of the biggest questions that my clients seem to have when they find themselves in this situation,

  1. Why your ex wants to be friends
  2. If staying friends with your ex will actually work
  3. What to do if your ex wants to be friends but you want more

Perhaps the best part about all of this is that everything I’m going to talk about today has been backed up by research or my own personal experience helping couples after a breakup.

Let’s begin!

Why Your Ex Wants To Be Friends With You After A Breakup

Before I actually start diving in and answering this question I’d like to lecture for a little bit.

There seems to be a very big misconception out there by how human beings operate.

People seem to be enthralled with this idea that true love conquers all.

They seem to believe that love somehow makes human beings selfless.

Human beings are a lot of things but one thing they aren’t is selfless.

Sure, every once in a while you’ll hear about a story a mother throwing herself in front of a bus to save her children but those kinds of people are in the minority. Most of us operate with one single mantra,

What’s in it for me?

We are ruled by our own self interest.

I say this not to be controversial but to help you understand why your ex wants to be friends with you after a breakup.

You see, I’ve been doing this for almost 7 years now and I’ve seen a lot in my time.

I have a coaching practice.

I have written a best selling book.

And well over 20 million men and women have visited my websites and a good segment of them have asked me questions.

After going through all of that I can confidently say that there are three primary reasons for why an ex would want to remain friends with you after a breakup and all of them have to do with their own self interest.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Three Reasons Your Ex Really Wants To Be Friends With You

The three reasons are relatively straightforward,

  1. Emotional Support
  2. Physical Support
  3. As A Holdover For Their Next Relationship

I’d like to take a quick second and expand on each of these reasons for a moment.

Why Your Ex Would Want To Be Friends With You For Emotional Support

People respond to breakups in many different ways.

Some will jump into bed with the first person they can find (see rebound relationships.) Others will avoid you like the plague.

And then you will have the people who want to “remain friends.”

But here’s the problem with that.

You often find that this kind of friendship is one sided.

It’s all about them unloading “how they feel” onto you and you making them feel better.

In essence, they are using you for emotional support and it makes total sense seeing as how they just went through a breakup.

After all, who better to understand them than the person they went through a breakup with?

Why Would Your Ex Want To Be Friends With You For Physical Support?

Friends with benefits shouldn’t be that hard to grasp, should it?

As I stated above, everyone responds to breakups in a different way.

In this case, your ex will want to remain friends with you because they believe they can get you in bed.

Want to know the most bizarre part?

According to a poll done on breakups by the Associated Press 36% of people have admitted to having sex with an ex at least one time,

Oh, and you may also notice another interesting question asked in the poll,

“How many of you have personally ever stayed friends with an ex after a breakup?”

According to the poll 51% of people have,

Staying friends and sleeping with exes is a lot more common than you think.

Why Would An Ex Want To Stay Friends With You As A Holdover For Their Next Relationship?

I believe we call this the dreaded friend zone.

People are appalled when I say what I’m about to say but quite frankly I don’t believe there is any other way to look at it.

When someone breaks up with you it’s essentially the same thing as having them admit,

I think I can do better than you

In other words, they believe they can find someone else.

The funny part is that we have a tendency to build these big ideas and feelings up in our heads and when it comes time to actually execute or experience them we find that it’s a little more difficult than we thought.

Where do we come running when this happens?

Yep, you guessed it!

Right back to the person we are comfortable with.

Will Staying Friends With Your Ex Actually Work? 

I have three main thoughts I’d like to discuss with regards to this question.

  1. Sometimes It Can Work So Long As Rules Are Redefined
  2. In Most Cases It Won’t Work If You Are Looking To Get Back Together
  3. The One Case Where It Is Actually Recommended

Let me unpack these three insights for you.

Sometimes Being Friends Can Work As Long As Rules Are Redefined

Let’s assume for a moment that you aren’t anything like my clients and you aren’t trying to win your ex back.

You are simply looking to remain friends with them and that’s it.

I believe this kind of arrangement can work assuming both of you are getting something out of the relationship, support.

Above I believe I made a pretty strong case that human beings are very self interested creatures and most of the time when an ex wants to be friends with you it’s because it serves them in some way.

As long as you aren’t getting used and you aren’t sleeping together I have seen certain exes successfully remain friends.

However, let me point out the proverbial fly in the ointment, it’s going to complicate things.

Assuming you do start dating someone else I haven’t met many people that are cool with their girlfriends or boyfriends being friends with their ex.

More on that in a second.

For Most People Being Friends Won’t Work If You Are Looking To Get Back Together

I’ve said it many times and have even written a book about it.

Getting your ex back requires you to position yourself properly and the timing has to be right

Often when you become friends with your ex you are placing yourself in a position of weakness.

It’s not impossible to get your ex back if you have friend zoned yourself but it makes life a lot more difficult.

Consider for a moment the stories you hear online like this,

Where a couple goes from “friends to lovers.”

The one common theme you see in those stories is the fact that it took time before one person was “ready to date.”

By purposefully putting yourself in the “friend zone” you are adding more time to your sentence.

In other words, it’s going to take longer to see success.

There Is One Case Where Purposefully Friend Zoning Yourself Is Recommended

Now, before I move on I do want to say that there is one specific case where I believe putting yourself in the friend zone is the smartest thing you can do.

Care to take a guess at what situation that is?

If your ex is dating someone new

I call it, “the being there method” and it’s something I’ve talked a lot about on this website and have even filmed a few videos over it,

The premise is pretty simple.

By purposefully putting yourself in the friend zone you will indirectly intimidate the new person your ex is with without actually doing anything wrong.

What To Do If Your Ex Wants To Be Friends But You Want More

Consider for a moment the types of conversations you have with the different people in your life.

You are going to have one type of conversation with your boss.

You’ll have another type with a stranger.

Another with your friends and family.

You’ll probably have a different one altogether with your lover.

Why?

What separates these people from having these different conversations?

In my opinion, trust.

If you could establish a clear hierarchy it’d probably look something like this,

Notice how the conversation opens up with people who hold coveted places in your life.

It all has to do with trust.

Generally speaking the more you trust the person the more powerful the conversation can be.

Here is perhaps the coolest part about this concept.

Every person will have a different hierarchy.

For some people their family may be more trusted than their friends.

For other their best friends may hold the top position.

It’s unique to each person.

However, I think one thing we can universally agree on is that if you are in the friend zone you have some work to do before you can be trusted enough to have powerful conversations that are meaningful enough for your ex to consider you a lover again.

How do you do that?

By doing earning trust via the conversations you have,

Each time you have a conversation with your ex you need to take a look at this scale and slowly move up it until you get to the sharing feelings bit.

Now, some of you may be looking at this scale and wanting a deeper explanation.

I have two recommendation if that’s you.

  1. Read my book
  2. Then read this article

Do those things and we’ll work to get you out of the friend zone.

What to Read Next

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Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

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How To Make Him Want You Back

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

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79 thoughts on “My Ex Wants To Be Friends”

  1. Avatar

    Christal

    April 22, 2020 at 6:13 am

    Hi.
    Me and my ex having been dating for 6 years. There was Infidelity on both sides. Twice on his part and once on mine. I actually did it to get back at him sad to say. After he found out, he broke up with me and I can honestly say that I had regret my decision instantly and I apologized sincerely and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. However, he did not want to hear that. 2 weeks after we broke up, I found out that he started to date someone that dented our relationship during the six years because they were talking and being flirty with each other. We’ve been broken up for 8 months now and he has been in his relationship for 7 and a half months. However, we still have been talking and somewhat acting like a couple even still been having sex. I tried to do no contact three weeks ago, and yesterday he reached out saying how proud he was of me for starting my business that I was planning. He then went on to send me a screenshot showing that he has not removed any of our photo albums from his phone and he told me that even though we are together I should know how he really feels about me. Which in I don’t to be honest. When I pitched the idea of getting back he said he can’t just leave the girl he is with because she hasn’t done anything wrong to him. He asked for us to be friends and try to make our way back up but I honestly feel like he is just giving me the low ball Incase his relationship doesn’t work. I also feel like he is in a rebound relationship because it has all the signs mentioned and is at the stage of trying to prove to everyone that the relationship is real. Please, any advice will work. Because I don’t want to lose him to her. We have been three for three years before we got into our 6 year relationship. So it wasn’t only losing a partner but also losing a long time friend

  2. Avatar

    Dani

    April 1, 2020 at 10:00 am

    Our relationship is for about six months but we loved each other very much.But last month he wanted to breakup with me that he said he need his mental freedom.I never did bad things for him but when I was upset he upset more than me.Those times he told he need some days,and after few days he was with me with love.This time also same thing happen but he wants to end up.I want him back so I texted him not everyday just somedays.Now I want as a friend to give a chance for us again.Is that okey?Did he go away from me.Whay should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 10:42 pm

      Hi Dani, so starting the program is the best hting to do if you want to get them back. Starting with your No contact and working on the Holy Trinity

  3. Avatar

    Rachel

    March 25, 2020 at 1:50 pm

    I dated a guy for three months. Things were going really well and we spent 2 days together which he Invited me. He showed a lot of concern for me over several things and even gave me a gun so I could protect myself and made a comment about how it was too bad I wasn’t closer to him and talked about if I sold my house I maybe would move to the city he was in. He is only 45 min from me. This was all right before things went silent. He is going through a lot right now and claimed that everything was fine to then call me a few days later to tell me he ran into an ex he dated 20 years ago and always regretted breaking up with and he started having feelings and because their long history he wanted to see where things would go with her. He expressed that he was really sorry and wanted to remain friends and that he does have some feelings and does care about me even still. I sent him a heartfelt text and then left things be. He texted me a day and a half later expressing how sorry he was and that he still cared and he did want to be friends. I really miss him and keep holding out hope. The girl he started to date lives 3 or 4 hours from him but he has a house where she is at and said he was just going to travel to see her but wasn’t planning on moving back. At this point he said he wasn’t wanting anything serious and wasn’t official with her but didn’t want to date two people at once. His wife died almost a year ago so I know he is wanting to take things slow. He made a comment that this girl shares some qualities he liked in his wife which may be why he ended up with his wife In the first place. He also made the comment that he puts up a lot of walls. I really want to be with him. Please advise.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 4, 2020 at 8:21 pm

      Hi Rachel when someone is telling you that they do not want anything serious you need to take this as they are not investing enough in you, or afraid to lose you. Looking for almost a friends with benefits situation where they dont get the commitment of a relationship. I would work on your Holy Trinity and date casually when you can so that your ex can see he is going to lose you if he does not commit

  4. Avatar

    Megan

    March 24, 2020 at 3:15 pm

    Hey there,

    I have not spoken with my ex for about a month (since we’ve broken up). He finally reached out to me last night and was asking questions. I was very brief with him but he then realized it and said, “I thought we were friends.” I’ll leave you alone if you want. I simply responded we could be friends but I have not texted him or called him since. He initially called me to ask when I was going to pick something up that I left there but then started asking questions about my job and my dating life. Again, I was brief. Should I tell him that I don’t want to be friends? I have started dating again but nothing too serious. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 28, 2020 at 9:06 pm

      Hi Megan if you do not want your ex back, or want to be friends either then I would just NC him rather than having those sort of conversations

  5. Avatar

    Veronica

    March 17, 2020 at 11:38 pm

    Hi I was in a relationship with my ex for 2.5 years we broke up on January 27 because we weren’t happy he decided to work on himself and wasn’t prepared for relationship anymore but we were friends andhe would flirt with me and we almost met up at a hotel to hook up but last minute he canceled because he realized it was not a good idea i was upset because i felt played. He’s at a rehab trying to grow on himself to better his life but i was supported and was always there for him after he started to ignore me i started to insult him and got crazy and mean to him because I was hurt he suddenly agreed to stay friends with me after he said that he stopped loving me but that his boundaries were up and wants his space. He keeps telling me that I deserve to be happy and that he hopes i get laid and added a happy face . Why does he keep telling me that I should get laid. Do you think is a good idea to be friends with my ex? If i show him that I’m not interested in sex with him will it make him win me back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 20, 2020 at 10:09 pm

      Hi Veronica if you want your ex back then you need to complete a No Contact, and you do not friendzone yourself if you want a relationship. Unless he gets into a relationship with someone else. You need to work the Ungettable information to show you’re ex what he has lost by letting you go. Use social media and mutual friends to enforce this. You need to not entertain even having sex with him while you are out of a relationship as you do not want to fall into friends with benefits situation either.

  6. Avatar

    H

    February 26, 2020 at 11:26 am

    Hi Shaunna,

    Noticed a lot of postings on situations, just wondering if some people could post their success or unsuccessful stories on here?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2020 at 9:57 pm

      Hi H there are success stories posted as articles, along with YouTube videos where Chris has interviews with the success stories if you want to go check it out

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1jMYwzkpOM

  7. Avatar

    Jenn

    February 18, 2020 at 1:52 am

    My ex and I split up on the weekend. We’ve been long distance for a while, his work has been overwhelming, and he’s relly anxious and down. He’s been wishy washy about us for a bit (no sex drive from stress so he says he doesn’t feel the spark, read that article too). But he had the audacity to ask if we could just stay best friends and if I could come visit as a friend. I asked him why he would make an effort to keep me as a friend but not a girlfriend, no answer. I asked him what he would do when I started talking about guys I was dating and he didn’t seem happy, said ‘we don’t have to talk about it’. He’s obviously conflicted. I’ve asked him not to contact me, and I’ve gone NC. How long should I go for?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 11:03 pm

      I would suggest 30 days No Contact

  8. Avatar

    Monica

    February 16, 2020 at 7:44 pm

    Hi! So my ex boyfriend and I broke up because he feels that I’m constantly hiding things from him and not telling him stuff right away. He constantly push me to open up about my feelings which is something hard for me to do because I have trouble expressing my feelings. He wants to be friends with me after we broke up but admits that he still have love and feelings for me which is very confusing for me as well. What would be the real reason why he won’t let me go?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2020 at 8:40 pm

      Hey Monica, it sounds as if he is being honest, he wanted you to open up to him. But wants to keep you as a friend more likely because he still has some feelings for you

  9. Avatar

    Sandy

    February 6, 2020 at 9:57 pm

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend of four years just broke up with me. We did long distance for the middle 18 months of the relationship and I finally got a job in the same city last summer. He just bought a house and we were finally going to move in together. He gave me the keys to move my stuff in then blanked me over xmas so I knew something was up. He told me he felt differently because we never see each other (through his faults) and that he didn’t fancy me as much anymore. He said he wanted to try so we did. 3 weeks later I still felt like he wasn’t making the effort so I told him that if he doesn’t let me, he should let me go. He said he was scared of me walking out the door and never coming back. We carried on and finally I had enough to I ended it. He finally admitted that he wasn’t in love with me but loved me as a best friend and didn’t want to give that up until he was sure we wouldn’t be able to fix it. He said he wants to stay friends but I want him to regret it. He lives alone but has plenty of friends and has openly admitted he will think of something else when he has thoughts about his future and the fact I won’t be doing all the things we used to do together, again. He said he wants to see me again in maybe a years time when he’s had space and I’ve had space. He didn’t want to keep something of mine that he slept with nightly because it would remind me of him. He also said he would miss our conversations (daily for 4 years). He’s never been one to be open with his feelings and I worry that even if he did regret it, he would never tell me.

    What should I make of all this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 4:59 pm

      Hey Sandy, so if you want him back then I think you’d have a good chance but you have to know what you want and during that time work to become Ungettable. And showing him what hes lost through mutual friends and social media. He is going to miss you as you said you spoke daily for 4 years thats a big part of his life that is not there, which is why it is sooooo important that you complete a NO Contact

  10. Avatar

    Lilly

    February 5, 2020 at 4:53 am

    My ex and I have been on and off for 7 years. For 4 of those years we were doing long distance. It was hard on both of us. I made the decision to move to where he lives (which is also closer to my family and where I grew up). He had been looking forward to this move, saying things like “Now we can finally give this a real shot” or “I’m so excited to work on our future together. The month I was set to move, we had a fight. Ever since then he had been distant and said we had lost the spark. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago but was very adamant on staying friends. I agreed but want more. I read your article about how this can only work if I go through the hierarchy. Part of me wants to ignore him and go through the NC rule? Will this work? He’s also the type to show up to my apartment.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 7:09 pm

      Hey Lilly yes you still need to do No contact, him wanting to stay friends is to clear his conscience for ending the relationship. You need to go into NC to let him feel the loss of you in his life, which after 7 years is going to hit him hard when he realises you are willing to walk away from him. Focus on yourself and do what is goign to work best for you for some time. And then at the end of a 30 day No Contact you can reach out with a text like Chris suggests to open the window for conversation and work your way up the value ladder again. Do not friendzone yourself unless he is to get into a relationship with someone else, thats when you work the being there method isntead

  11. Avatar

    Stephenie

    January 7, 2020 at 7:07 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I have been together for four years and have been in love with each other since six years or more. We broke up when he told me he had begun to see me as best friend and with a physical angle. When I broke up, he still kept pleading to be a friend. When I agreed, he keeps making moves all the damn time. I’ve tried the NC zone three times as of now, but each time he gets back he does the same. Acts like friends but makes moves for a lot more. Please tell me what to do. When we started we had a passionate and really loving relationship. And sometimes he even tells me he loves me just not the way he did before. But wouldn’t even say he wants a relationship. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 7, 2020 at 10:35 pm

      Hey Stephanie, if you want him back and you feel he does not want a relationship it means that you need to work on being Ungettable and show him that you are the best he is going to get, ever. So when he starts thinking about you as the best, and realises that others could easily be with you (by you being open to dating casually) he is going to then consider if he wants to be single more than he wants you. It is difficult to change someones mind, but if you can get to a stage where you are meeting up in romantic settings he will start thinking of you in that way again

  12. Avatar

    Nat

    January 4, 2020 at 10:43 pm

    Hello….

    My ex and I have been hanging out, anyway last night we played a card game just the two of us which ended in us asking eachother questions.. And ultimately us getting a bit deep.

    He said two very different statements during the night that I’m not sure how I interpret either of them

    1. I’ve been anxious because I’ve had second thoughts, about us breaking up.

    2. We work better as friends

    How the he’ll do I interpret either of them.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 4, 2020 at 11:12 pm

      It shows he is thinking about you in the romantic sense, so if you want him back then you need to keep putting him in romantic situations and flirting but not giving up sex in the mean time, at least not until you are officially together. He needs to consider if you are someone he can be with so you need to be the best girl that there is out there for him

  13. Avatar

    M

    December 19, 2019 at 1:26 am

    Hello 🙂
    So my ex broke up with me about two months ago, after two successful years together— we shared a friend group, we’d traveled together, we were into a lot of the same music/books/media, etc. He was coping with a lot of depression and anxiety things, as well as some stuff in his home life for the duration of the relationship, much of which came to a head when I went through a really rough time with family stuff on MY end and he didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to support me and deal with his own stuff at the same time. He broke up with me, saying that he’d rather have me in a friend context.
    After a couple of very tear-filled weeks and one really nasty interaction, I went fully NC for a month, until he contacted me saying he wanted to be responsible for his actions and the impact he’d had on me, and that he wanted to be my friend because he says he misses being close with me and wants to get to know me again. The thing is, he’s “talking to” someone (and has been since our breakup), and while it’s undefined and he says that he’s committed to a friendship with me and to being close with me, I consider the person he’s “talking to” toxic and I don’t want THEM anywhere near me. My ex insists that he can keep his maybe-relationship with them separate from his friendship with me, but I’m dubious. My ex also said that he regrets not trying to make things work between me and him.
    Any tips for how to interpret and/or deal with what’s going on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 4:38 pm

      Hey M, so you need to read about the being there method, but I suggest you also let your ex worry if you are “talking to” someone else too, because he probably assumes you are sat around waiting for him to come back to you based on the interactions do not be an option, make sure you are the better choice to be with. Reading and understanding the being there method and the ungettable girl posts form Chris is essential in your sitaution

  14. Avatar

    Natalie

    December 18, 2019 at 2:03 am

    Hi there, I need some advice, my ex and I had quite a messy break up – we both had our faults, after a while, he did end up wanting to be in my life, telling me he missed me and that I will always be his best friend and that his door is always open to me – unfortunately I did make the mistake of sleeping with him and it obviously made it worse because we were just friends and then when I needed him the most he cut me off and I realized he had been lying to me the whole time and was seeing someone else so I blocked him on all social platforms, except for Instagram, he manipulated me into unblocking him and recently has been watching my stories on Instagram, he the messaged me to say that he misses me and that he hopes we are still friends, I proceeded mistakenly by saying ya don’t worry about we are still friends and I miss you too – he became quite awkward when I said that immediately. I then found out that he was seeing his ex again on the same night he messaged me this and after I had said yes we can be friends….after finding out this info, do I respond to it? Do I just not say anything? Because now I actually don’t want to be friends after I found out the truth and I’m waiting for him to pay me some money he owes me so I’m not sure if I should block him just yet or even say anything regarding this truth that I heard… they say silence is golden, shall I just leave it be and move on with my life or tell him listen I actually don’t want to be friends…after he pays me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 5:34 pm

      Hi Natalie if you want your ex back then you need to learn about the being there method and how to implement it. If you have completed a no contact then keep in touch but do not mention that you know he is with the ex again. Just act as if you didnt know and treat him as a friend while you learn how to follow the being there method and how to be the ungettable girl too

  15. Avatar

    A

    December 14, 2019 at 7:19 pm

    Hi guys
    I really need some advice as I’m feeling frustrated for a little while now. My ex and I broke up back in Feb after nearly 4 years and recently have been liking posts on social media of eachother back and forth for a bit which I’ve noticed (sometimes I will like something of his and then he would like something of mine, indirect communication) but there has been no direct contact with us yet. I did reach out on his birthday and we had small talk but since that there has been nothing. He added me on Facebook around 3 months ago and then we started following eachother again on instagram, it’s all been a very subtle and gradual process.. But I’m worried that my ex just wants a friendship and sees me as just a friend but we actually haven’t had a conversation to make things clear about that. I would be open to seeing where things go. I have healed over the last few months and I’m in a different place now but I’m still working on myself and things in my life at the moment..but there’s times where I do miss him and would like to talk. I still feel connected to him but I don’t know how he feels about me. I know he still cares but I do want to be cautious. Our breakup wasn’t a messy one, it was hurtful but I removed myself from the situation straight away and never reached out after he ended it and removed him from my life so in that sense I handled it well and did what was best in order to heal. Any advice to perhaps get the lines of communication open and how to navigate a situation like this without being friendzoned so he could see me as a potential partner again? Thanks for your help 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:42 pm

      Hi A as you are back in touch and speak often you need to try the flirt/friend zone/ flirt with your ex to see the type of response you have from him and increase the flirting if he responds well. the main thing you need to remember that you do not give him any boyfriend privileges before you are back together officially

  16. Avatar

    Noelle

    December 12, 2019 at 3:07 am

    My ex romantic liaison (not ex-boyfriend, someone I was trying to date) decided that we shouldn’t date due to our different core values, distance (we are five hours apart) and the stresses that it puts on us. Briefly speaking, we were taking for almost three months, spent an entire weekend together. He had suggested that we date (openly) and spend an entire two weekends a month together before becoming exclusive. I had said I needed to think about it because I felt that with being long-distance, we would provide some sort of commitment to one another. Example, how is it fair if you’re “dating” someone long-distance and also “dating” someone locally? We both took our responses in our discussion under advisement. I had accepted that we try “dating” because I wanted things to work out between us and he changed his decision and decided it would be best to part ways. He said he would like to be friends and still stay in contact as much as we were when we were trying to date, which is everyday. I actually don’t want to be his friend, I only agreed to because I was devastated, pleading, etc. he decided in the early stages and felt we weren’t given a fair chance.

    I tried to implement the NC rule, but he messaged me within 72 hours and if I message him, he replied to me within a second (I’m not exaggerating). My questions are (and I’ve purchased the book by the way): 1. Does the NC rule work for an attempted relationship? 2. If it does, can I just initiate it even though he thinks we are friends? He’s in his 40’s and I’m in my 30’s.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 7:11 pm

      Hey Noelle, so yes you can give this program a go but you need to stick to it. Which means you do not reply to messages from him when you are in No Contact and you do not reach out to him at all. IF you have bought the EBR Pro then you need to read it and make sure that you full understand what it is that you need to do!

  17. Avatar

    Savannah

    December 6, 2019 at 11:14 pm

    I broke up with him over a year ago and have regrets ever since. He and I to back and for every few months since the break up. He told me over and over he loves me I’m the best girlfriend ever, but always tells me he’s not ready for a relationship again. I haven’t ask about a relationship, but he tell me anyway. August of this year he told me he had a girlfriend and he was committed to her. I told him best wishes and to not contact me again. After two month I felt like I was finally moving on. October he reaches out because they’re having problems. They broke up a few weeks ago and I went and stayed at his place, we had a great time and everything was good. This week we were planning to see each other again he was helping me with something. He said he really needed to talk to me, he ended up saying he doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be friends for now. I ask if he was getting back with the new girl and he said he’s not sure and she’s asking the same about me. We had a nice time I played it cool he told me how he’s scared if we got back together I would break his heart again how much he loves me on and on. I felt sad after he left knowing I want more than a friendship. He texted me several times and when I didn’t reply he called. When I answered I broke down and told him how much I loved him and wanted him back. I haven’t heard from him since. I feel so stupid I had done so good, by telling him he had to do what’s best for him and I would give him space, but after breaking down to him the next day now I seem very needy. What should I do at this point? Thank you, for your help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 10:08 pm

      Hi Savannah, so there is articles on this website that Chris has done that explains what to do when you have had a long term break up, but you need to do a short No Contact so that your ex thinks you are starting to move on with your life. You need to do the research into what it takes to become the Ungettable girl, and what it is your ex finds appealing in a partner and make it seem that you are the best person he is ever going to get

  18. Avatar

    Zoe

    December 6, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    My ex broke up with me after 3yrs relationship. We’d lived for 2.5 yrs and I moved out 2 days ago. He told me that he loves me so so much and I’m his best friends and I’m the best girl he has never met, but, for the future he is not sure if I’m the right one or if he wants spend the rest of his life to stay with me . He wants be my best friend as well and follows his heart to see if he really misses me. I totally understand he gave up our relationship because of not 100%love or not the best for his standards, but I’m hurt , I want keep in touch with him to see if we have chance in the future, I also don’t want help him heal from me. What should I do…

    Sincerely
    Zoe

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 9:42 pm

      Hey Zoe, so you no contact him and do not reply to him if he reaches out, unless he says he made a mistake and WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER. Then you can answer, other wise do not reply for 30 days minimum. In that time work on yourself and socialise with your friends.

  19. Avatar

    Johnny

    November 20, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    My ex just broke up with me after 2 Years, she felt as if the relationship wasnt growing even though we were both happy with eachother. She felt as if i were holding her back and she needed to explore things herself. She told me she didnt want to be with anyone or committed to anyone she told me she made up her mind and didnt want to continue the relationship. I asked her if she could then just delete me off social media but she refused and said she wish to stay friends and will forever have me in her heart. She said im free to delete her though. I dont know if I should or not. I really love her and would love to have her in my life but respect her decisions but i dont know if i can move on having her on social media as of now. Should I delete and do no contact and wait to see what happens or should I try to fix things with her right now? Thanks hopefully I get a reply because I just lost my best friend and dont really have anyone to talk to.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:47 pm

      Hey Johnny, so you need to do things that she wanted to do without her, for example if she wanted to go visit a city or go travelling do those things and post to social media so that she realises that shes missed out on that opportunity and she should have stuck with you. Making sure you complete a full No Contact first before you reach out to her, but do thing sthat you know she would have loved ot have done and experience interesting things os you have plenty to speak about when you are done with No Contact

  20. Avatar

    Miss Toonice

    November 20, 2019 at 11:43 am

    Hi
    I was with my Ex for 1 year .. it was great, he was really keen and telling me how happy he was since he met me and he loved me, however in the last 3 months of the relationship he slowly started to deal with an episode of deperssion – he has experienced it previously once before following the break up of his marriage and had been very open about it and how he dealt with it. He was open when he could feel it coming on again when we were together and tried to use the same strategies to work through it and we chatted about it and it explained some of the changes in his behaviour ( that had been extreme reactions to a couple of conversations that was upsetting)
    As it progressed he acknowleged that he needed more help and spoke with Dr and started to see a councillor – he asked me to be patient and said I was being perfect with him
    A few weeks later he called ( didnt some to see me) to say that he couldnt put me through this and he needed to sort his head out and work on getting through it – we agreed to ‘taking some time out’ and would check in on each other – which we did. I read up loads on the illness to help support and took the key advice of always letting them know you are there and not taking things personally, and that loved ones do push people away but deep down dont want that
    So when he contacted me again – to say he had tried to put a timeline on getting past this and it wasnt getting better ( i had never asked for a timeline) so he needs to end things all together and he needs time on his own and not in a relationship to work on things
    I accepted that but as mentioned re above dperession advice said that would always be there and support for him and wasnt going anywhere and when he was clear of mind we could talk about the break
    So I kept checking in and he was OK sometimes and other times not very nice and after a while he said that he needs to end things properly we are not together and never will be and I have to stop saying he can have a hug or being reminded of him being in a bad way and it was all just too much ( I had never tried to remind him this) and it came to a head
    As before I tried not to take it personally but as a first time experience of supporting someone I loved I will admit that my mistake was that I tried to hard – checking in every 3-4 days seemed like and age to me but looking back I should have given more space ( but it killed me to try and figure out if it was the illness or whether this guy no longer wanted to be with me – all while being the person I am and wanting to be there for him regardless of lable)
    I apologied for this ( felt so bad I had mde things worse for him) and said I wouldnt contact him again – I didnt and 2 weeks later he initiated contact ( at this point this had al been just over 2 month) – and we chatted on text. Baby steps light conversation and it was positive which made me feel good.
    After a couple of chats I approached how he was feeling and at this point he said he was feeling loads better and wants to get out of bed and doesnt feel worried about everything and is in a better place – I was really pleased for him
    We carried on chatting small talk, sometimes I felt I was asking questions and he was just giving short answers and then he would suprise me and ask about me
    A few weeks later we ended up having a really open conversation about things and he apologised for how he had been and everything and thanking me for understanding and that he was sorry things didnt work out ( so confirming that yep he doesnt want to be with me – clear headed)
    I accepted the apology and told him it was hard to balance support and wonder if
    he meant the break or not etc – and said that I missed ‘us’ but if its what he needed then I accepted it.
    He said that he was comfortable with his alone time but who knows what will happen and also said he was sorry it came out of the blue (for me) but he just couldnt carry on with us and he had been thinking since he had asked for space that he wasnt ready and just enjoyed his alone time and nothing else but in weeks or months may hate it etc
    I thanked him for letting me know ( secretly felt that there was an opening there – or was it just a carrot or disclaimer cos he had someone else – I didnt ask cos I didnt want to push)
    He asked to stay in touch – but I wasnt sure so I bottled it and just ignored the ask and said Take care – glad we chatted etc
    A few days later he contacted me to ask if I was OK – which was nice
    He contated me again the day after and we chatted – but again it went to me asking and him just seemingly responding ( this was about 6 weeks ago)
    The following week I contacted him about a shared subscription I was using as it had logged out and thought he had removed me – I said if he has its OK considering situation. He replied saying no it was a system thing and of course its OK to use as ‘were are friends arent we’ – so I plucked up the courage to say – I am not really sure if Im ready just yet on the whole just friends etc – I dont know how I feel – and I asked if I could ask him why he wanted to be in contact ( I know I did cos I still have feelings for him – but I dont want to be a mug hanging on if he just wanted a crutch)
    His reponse was cold and well I thought we could be friends but clearly not so fine lets leave it (he did however say I could still use the subscription!!??)
    He then blocked me immediatley from everything
    I rang him at this point and was shocked at how angry he was with me – saying I thought this was amicable and he had been responding to texts and I had liked his posts etc – he didnt let me speak for a good few mins – when I got the chance to say I didnt say I didnt want to be friends I was just trying to convey my honest feelings over how I am not sure if I can be at the moment – I dont want to experience being a mate and seeing him move on with someone new ( to which he said – well I could be thinking the same about you !!! – he was the one who dumped me)
    Anyway – he calmed down and we had a small chat where I tried to explain and say that things during him being ill were not the nicest to deal with etc and he seemed OK and said he had blocked me as a reaction and not thinking – we ended the call saying, lets see how it goes
    A week went on and he didnt unblock me or contact – so I decided to send a text saying a but hurt still blocked and apologieed that he got upset but ask I still had feeling for him, its not that I dont want to be friends but not sure its the right thing to do etc and I have to look out for myself too – but I dont want to cut ties
    He replied straight away saying again he blocked me as a reaction – I said OK and if he wants to keep it that way then I understand – he unblocked
    We chatted a few days later and even a really nice catch up on the phone – he was giving me TV advice
    Last week he instigated contact about a finale of a TV show we watched – and we had a small chat on text – but again went to simple replies from him and no asks about me – but it was nice to be in contact
    I have tried to leave it to him to instigate contact since – but I have instigated a couple of times but not every day and he always replied
    Anyway last weekend I found out through someone he knows who I am aquaintence of that he has been saying to people that he was never really into me and that he is chatting to someone at work and he is really really into her ( not sure why this person had to be soo forceful on that point) – I was hurt more about thinking he was saying he was never that bothered about me and that he is really into someone else more than anything – anyway it was quite late but one of my friends ( wirhout my knowledge at all – I would have never aked this) contacted him – I was upset and we had a few words mainly me apologising for himbeing contacted in the middle of night
    The day after I got a text asking me to tell everyone to stop sending him messages at night ( which I totally agree with – but it was first time throughout all of this) he did acknoledge that he knew it wasnt me and wasnt blaming me but to stop talking about him at the pub as we have been over for a very long time now and it needs to stop and just move on ( in total from him pushing me away while ill to now is 4 months half of which )
    I replied to say he wasnt taked about ( he isnt – apart from me to my close friends and mainly when he was illl) and that it wasnt me -but could we chat about what I had been told / heard
    He said no we will juse leave things there as we had been over for a very long time. I had to say to stop throwing that in my face as for me this was still raw and hadnt had the same time as he has had as for half of this I didnt know what to think or feel about it while he was going through things
    We have left it there but last night I decided to send the acceptance have goodbye text – as I do not want bad feeling with anyone as I am not that person and in the end it is what it is and wish him well
    I still have big feelings for him and our time was great and i feel robbed because of his illness but now I am wondering given what he seems to be telling people whether he was going through things as bad as it appeared or was just a method of removing himself without much come back – and also to be soooo into someone new already – it hurts
    Apologies this was sooo long, but felt the need to get it out – I am working on myself but do wonder if his behaviour is to be expected of someone who is still invested or not?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 9:10 pm

      Hi Miss too nice, so I wouldn’t have said he was an invested as much as you want him to be. I think hes had time to process how he feels and come to a point where he was comfortable enough to let him go. So if you want him back you are going to have to work on how to reattract him from the start, as if it was a new person again. Look up what Ungettable means and how you can apply this to yourself and also look up the value chain so that you can build up your connection with him gradually.

      There is still the mental health aspect you need to take into consideration he is telling you that he cant do a relationship right now and is trying to work on himself, so you have to respect that is his decision and he may not be ready for a committed relationship for some time.

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