Raise your hand if you’ve ever had your ex tell you that he isn’t sure what he really wants.

Most of our clients face this at some point after their breakup, and it can be incredibly frustrating because well, we’re not all mind readers. Why can’t people just SAY what they want?

Now, when your ex says they’re not sure of what they want, they could be talking about the future of your relationship or just life in general.

Today, I will take out all the guesswork from this game so you will know EXACTLY what to do when an ex says that they aren’t sure what they want.

As Steve Jobs once said,

“People don’t know what they want… not until you show it to them”

Keep that in mind as you read this article because it really is the key behind reacting to an ex who doesn’t know what they want. Think of this as the mantra of deciphering your exes confusing thoughts and words if you will.

My job is to tell you what attracts men based on years of proven research on thousands of men all over the world.

  • So, what is it?
  • What are men ultimately attracted to?
  • What do they want?
  • What do they even mean when they say they don’t know what they want?

After years of research, we’ve come to one conclusion- they all want ONE thing.

The Ungettable girl.

That’s right. The age old saying of wanting what you can’t have is the basis of how every man operates.

How To Become Ungettable So That You Become Exactly What Your Ex Wants

Every man wants that perfect woman who’s the ideal balance between beauty and brains and is somehow always seemingly unattainable.

So, how do YOU become Ungettable, and therefore exactly what your ex wants?

Buckle up because that’s what we are going to be talking about today.

Well, there’s no “right” answer to this one simply because each man has his own version of what his Ungettable girl will look like.

After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

But we found certain patterns that are found in most of these ideal Ungettable girls that can instantly make any man interested in them.

I’m going to share FOUR of those patterns that Ungettable girls have with you so you can capitalize on those to make your ex believe that you ARE what he needs even when he’s unsure of it himself.

Ungettable Quality # 1: The book vs. The cover

People have spent years arguing over whether men care more about looks or personality.

Regardless of where you stand on this, let me ask you one thing. When you walk into a book store to buy a new book, what’s the first thing you look at?

The book or the cover?

Be honest, it’s probably the cover.

So, you buy this book based on the cover and then start reading it… It turns out to be absolute trash, and you instantly regret your decision.

What, then, made the lasting impression on you?

The cover or the actual content of the book?

In my opinion, what matters more should be the book itself!

The storyline, the characters, and everything else that gives life and a voice to the book and allows you to CONNECT with the story should be at the center of the book’s value.

But, interestingly enough, it’s often not the way you make your ultimate purchase decision.

In an ideal world, both the book and cover would perfectly complement each other, but we don’t really live in an ideal world, do we?

Honestly, this book vs. cover analogy is the best one to understand the complex dichotomy of the whole looks vs. personality debate.

The Looks Vs. Personality Debate

I often see women obsessing over Ungettable girls by looking at beautiful models on magazine covers, and I always tell them, “that girl is not Ungettable, she’s just pretty.”

There’s a lot more to being Ungettable than merely having ‘the look.’

So yes, while looks DO matter, personality matters just as much.

No man really wants a pretty girl who can’t hold a conversation or intellectually satisfy him.

Ungettable Quality #2:  Stability vs. Mystery

As I began my business, I picked up on a trend among my clients- those who were only stable but didn’t provide enough mystery and adventure to their exes became boring; however, those who were only mysterious but didn’t provide enough stability to their exes became scary and unsustainable.

So, what’s the solution?

Well, both of these traits are like the Yin and Yang of being Ungettable.

They must both coexist in the perfect ratios to ensure a health relationship.

You need to show yourself as being incredibly stable yet mysterious and adventurous at the same time. Too much or too little of either just leads to an awkward and unbalance relationship which is not fun for either side.

I’ve heard countless men complain about a lack of chemistry in their past relationships, and this whole notion of “chemistry” often boils down to that mystery factor or the lack of it in long term relationships where couples become too used to a specific routine or each other.

So yeah, being mysterious and having exciting shared experiences is a huge part of any healthy relationship especially if you’re trying to get an ex back.

But being on the extreme mysterious and adventurous side can also be dangerous because it’s financially unsustainable for most of us and we humans just crave a certain “home” feeling that could be lost if there is too much mystery in a relationship.

To become the ultimate Ungettable girl, you must carefully balance stability and mystery to ensure that the relationship doesn’t get too boring or too scary.

Ungettable Quality # 3: First Experiences Together.

The best way to understand this is to think of yourself in a movie theater at a movie premiere.

It’s the first time you see that movie, and your excitement levels are at an all-time high. It quickly becomes your favorite movie, and you might even want to see it again immediately after the first screening.

So, you see it again! It’s still amazing, but it loses some of its wow factor. The jump scares don’t really get you and the big plot reveal is no longer a surprise. You keep watching the movie, and it keeps losing the spark until one day you basically have the whole movie memorized and have no intent of ever seeing it again.

Sound familiar?

That’s exactly how first experiences in relationships are too.

There’s something incredibly special about first-time experiences and unique one-off dates. If your ex takes you on the same date that he’s taken all his exes on, he might not have the same feelings that you do if it’s your first time on the date.

So, the best way to build a strong relationship with your ex is to go on a date where you’re both experiencing something for the first time!

There is no better bonding experience than seeing something together for the first time because both of your emotions will be at a maximum as you guys will be going through something unique together for the first time.

The shared excitement of a new activity basically feels like a new relationship because you don’t just see a new thing- you see new reactions of the person you’re with too!

Ungettable Quality # 4: They Leave You Wanting More.

Leaving your ex wanting more is ESSENTIAL if you’re going to catch and keep their interest.

So, how do you do that?

Well… it looks a little something like this.



Next time an ex says that he’s not sure of what he wants, you can just skip the whole guessing game because you know exactly what he wants and how YOU can fill that void.

Steve Jobs rightly said that people don’t know what they want until someone tells them so it’s up to you to show your ex what he needs.

  • Just keep these four tips in mind to be the ultimate Ungettable girl that’s the answer to all his prayers:
  • Be on top of your looks and your personality because both are equally important!
  • Strike a balance between being stable and mysterious/adventurous, so he always stays engaged.
  • Try out new things together to build shared memories.

Oh yes, and always leave him wanting more.

26 thoughts on “What To Do When An Ex Says They Aren’t Sure What They Want”

  1. Avatar


    January 23, 2020 at 11:22 am

    Thank you Shaunna, for your reply. The thing is as I reached out to my ex after 26 days of NC, he replied immediately, then we met each other already the next day, and we started to be romantically again( spent a night together), he came to hold my hand during sleep. After that he texted me and we texted back and forth for a few days now. I think am at the end of the value chain, what should I do next? I would want to have him to be in the relationship because we already went so far, but we both got hurt from the breakup ( from last March), how can I get his commitment again without looking desperate.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 11:27 am

      Hi Jenna, so this is skipping stages through the value chain, however as you have already slept with him you need to make sure you keep very composed emotionally and let him reach out to you, do not chase him and do not initiate the conversation about getting back together. You need to be controlled and act in a way that you are not desperate to get him back. You are going to have to avoid having sex with him again until you are in a relationship or you are going to end up in a friends with benefits situation. Check out Chris new video about this exact situation here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rljxv95trY

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    January 22, 2020 at 12:22 pm

    Had a nearly 5 years relationship with my ex, he seemed always breaking as soon as we got more serious, but we were an official couple and I was brought to his family and his parents like me very much, we still stay contact with each other. I broke up with him last March because he acted really mean to me, I hoped he would apologize but he didn’t. Couple of months later I regretted and wanted to get him back, but since then we are on and off, he was hot and cold and later on I decided let it go, but he reached out again after one month, then we started seeing each other again, but I didn’t want to be in a friend’s with benefits relationship with him, so I stopped contacting him, one month later I thought about him so I texted and he replied immediately, since then he always reply pretty fast. Before the Christmas he even brought me a present, but as I didn’t contact him he also didn’t contact. So what is really going on between us, why we can’t seem to let each other go but also can’t get back? What should I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:42 pm

      Hi Jenna, so from the sounds of things you are in this on and off cycle with no real commitment, so if you want this guy in a relationship you need to start the texting phase after taking a month of no speaking to him you text, and build up your connection so that you can work the value chain and value ladder (both of these can be found on this website and Chris YouTube videos) this will help make him value you more and want to talk to you more, and see you.

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    January 19, 2020 at 10:59 am

    Thank you Shaunna, I will. I hope NC doesn’t make him forget me for good… And that that bright new “relationship” (they have met for less than a week!) ends before my NC but still yes, I’ll take care of myself and prepare for the texting phase. We never spent more than one day and a half without talking, so I hope he misses me…

  4. Avatar


    January 18, 2020 at 6:53 pm

    Hi Shaunna, thank you for asking.
    The problem is that we don’t have mutual friends in that sense. We lived in a city which is not our hometown (we were from different countries and that was in a third one) and people doesn’t stay too long (we will stay for 3 years at least). He hangs out with the work colleagues (which change from time to time) and my friends which are still there for a few more months (the others are back to their countries) doesn’t know him well and not going to randomly meet or talk.
    The no social media is a big problem to get him back. I can do the NC but that will make him forget me for good. The only good thing I have is that his memories of us together are extremely good, even idealized, but that’s not much to work with.
    I’m gonna go in two months for a weekend anyway but I’d like to have a chance (I know, and he to, that if he sees me… He was the attached one, even if now he says otherwise) but if that girl he met DAYS AGO turns out to become something or he forgets me… As I said, without social media or sphere of influence, what can I do? How can I do the NC if I can’t do anything else?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 10:20 pm

      Hi Olivia, so without social media it is harder to show how you are being ungettable with out telling him directly what you are up to, so it means that you have to work on your texting phase and how to talk to you ex when your no contact is over. Keep going as you are, you are doing great understanding what is needed so far, make sure you are putting the same amount of effort into loving yourself at this time too

  5. Avatar


    January 18, 2020 at 11:08 am

    I posted a comment the other day and it doesn’t appear but it doesn’t matter, I have new info:
    My long distance…ex, now yes, just broke up with me. I was going to visit him next month (we used to live in the same city / country but I had to move back home, I was and still am looking for the way to go back because I was happier there, not only because of him) and he told me he had doubts about spending the whole weekend together, because lately, even with friends, he is changing his mind a lot about plans, he is confused. And yesterday he told me he met another girl these days and want to try (they may have met once, for timing, he just met her). When I came back a month ago we didn’t say we were going to be a serious couple, it just happened.
    Now he met a girl once and dumps me.
    I don’t know what to do. I imagine that NC would be good but I can’t do more, not even UG because he doesn’t use social media.
    I’m gonna travel to the city for a weekend in two months instead next one, to meet friends, and I keep looking for the way to move back. For that time I’d like to see him… He told me that this girl may be nothing, but that he doesn’t know, that’s why he can’t promise he would see me the weekend I was planning. But two days before he had told me that, even if he didn’t know if he would want to spend the whole weekend with me 24/7 (I know him and he would, in situation he would because even if he thinks I’m too attached, it was him the attached one), he would want to meet for sure. I told him that I had more plans, that he wouldn’t have to stay with me all the time… And in two days this, the new girl appears (I know him, she just appeared and he’s confused, he wasn’t playing double, I know him about that) and “just in case it becomes something” he dumps me.

    Sorry for the long post but I need your help, what can I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 10:32 pm

      Hi Olivia, I am sure I have replied, but focusing on this post. This link may be useful for you https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-win-back-an-ex-who-is-with-someone-else/

      This is about the being there method when trying to get an ex back, however you do need to complete a no contact first so that you can allow time to pass from the break up and give your ex a chance to miss you and feel what it is like to not have you around to talk to and be in his life

  6. Avatar


    January 15, 2020 at 10:31 pm

    My…ex? Just told me he doesn’t know what he wants. We are in different countries right now, we haven’t seen each other in a month and a half and I was going to visit him next month. We’ve talked about it. We was being nice and affectionate as always. But a few days ago he changed and just a while ago he told me that he needs time to think about my trip before I confirm the flights because right now, in his life in general, he is changing is mind all the time. I was cool and told him that there’s no problem, that he can think about it and even if I go we don’t have to be together 24/7 (I have more friends to visit in his city) and he told me that the is afraid I’m too attached. I’m the opposite, I’m not needy or clingy and he recognizes it. When I told him to remember who I was he told me that that warms his heart because time with me was perfect. I can understand. I gave him time but I am afraid he doesn’t come back.

    I know that the perfect move here would be Ungettable Girl but there’s a BIG problem: He doesn’t use social media. He has Instagram but never uses it, he didn’t even posted anything. So he’s not going to see anything.
    What can I do?

    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 6:38 pm

      Hi Olivia still work the Ungettable girl and I am sure that you have some mutual friends that would see your activity and mention to him what you’re doing

  7. Avatar

    Allie Gatier

    January 15, 2020 at 5:44 pm

    Having a long distance relationship with an old friend for six months. Everything was wonderful until this weekend he disappeared without a word. Then, he calls to tell me an ex contacted him that her divorce is finalized and wants to give it a chance so now his brain is confused because she’s in the same location while I am too far away. He stays in contact for next couple days saying he loves me and we are good. He texts and calls but something seems off. He has not asked for space but what do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 4:05 am

      If he has not ended things then I would keep yourself calm and not freak out about the other woman, act as if you are not worried. If he ends things and decides to pursue something with the other woman then you need to start with a 45 day no contact and read the being there method and make sure you prepare for the process that we follow here when trying to get an ex back. If he keeps in touch but is just quiet I suggest you be as normal as you can be, but avoid bringing up the other woman if you can.

  8. Avatar


    January 15, 2020 at 3:25 pm

    Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, after a month of no contact he reached out to meet and we met three weeks later cause I was busy. During the last month I have done a lot of stuff like talking about the relationship and asking what he wants ‘He didn’t see a future with us’. After a slightly serious conversation about why our relationship ended a week ago, we had a talk yesterday where he said he was happy alone and chatting to me but doesn’t know what the future holds. I said I’d want to eventually hang out and see where it goes and he said that sound positive and we can take it as it goes. I’m just worried that part of me is reading it too positively or he just doesn’t want to hurt me again by saying he still thinks we have no future.

  9. Avatar


    January 13, 2020 at 10:38 pm

    My fiancé broke up with me two weeks ago because of severe depression and he said he really needed space right now. Originally it was supposed to be a temporary break so that we could work on ourselves and come back together stronger and build a healthier relationship, however after talking to him in person he was in a depressive episode/panic attack again and he’s now saying he doesn’t know what he wants and if we ever got back together things would have to change but I suggested we still be friends and he seemed OK with that. When we left in person We left on good terms, give each other a hug and everything. But when I text him now his responses are very very minimal to none at all. He had expressed interest in maybe hanging out when we spoke over the phone briefly, but when I tried to set something up he’s completely ignored me now. The last text I sent him was that I know he needs space right now and I am going to respect that. We have had a very very strong connection and a sincere deep love for each other. At the moment, we are signed up to take the same college classes that begin next week. I’m just wondering what I should act like when I see him/should I text him/after a few weeks should I try and go to his work or something? I know that sounds needy and desperate, but I’m really worried because I want him back so much and I know deep down this isn’t even what he wants to be a part he just wants to get healthy but I’m not sure he can see that right now. What should I do? Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 11:39 am

      Hi Saige, so you need to give him space, you’re not giving him that, you’ve met up, you’ve texted called and asked to meet up again this is not respecting his need for space and time to himself. When someone is depressed you need to understand that they need to do what is going to help them. Give him some space and in that time you focus on yourself and how to become Ungettable

  10. Avatar


    January 13, 2020 at 6:51 am

    Me and my ex been on and off for a year and I have done the no contact then he would text me and I’ll text back we broke up because I was entertaining other guys so I continue to talk to him to regain trust but he keeps saying he’s scared to go back out with me and his pride Is to high. He always be like maybe later but not right now What shall I do ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 10:56 pm

      Hey Sasha, so if you have done 30 days of No Contact where you do not speak with him even if he reaches out to you, where you have worked on yourself but not shown that you are chatting to other guys, and made it clear to your ex that you are sorry for entertaining the other guys and will not be doing that if you got back together. If you have done all I have said here, and its been more than 3 months of you trying to get him back then I suggest you stop chasing him and start living your life while doing the being there method on your ex, to show that you are the best person he will get to be with. But you MUST not break his trust again if you want the relationship to work

  11. Avatar

    Jasmine Hardy

    January 10, 2020 at 10:33 am

    Hey all
    So just over a month ago my boyfriend of over 2 years regretfully broke up with me (I pushed him to make a decision) as he thought he was losing feelings. After 3 times of meeting up with him post breakup I have decided to go no contact for 30 days, as I know he doesn’t know what exactly he wants and he cannot keep me attached ready for when he decides he wants me back. He even said ‘Dont worry, we will get back together in the future just think about that’ . I do really want him back and i know this whole situation is not truly him. Do you think no contact will force him to figure out what he wants and preferably come to the conclusion that he wants me back?
    I just am terrified he will move on tremendously and forget about me, and on top of that I am struggling to focus on myself during this NC and not worrying about him with other girls

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 14, 2020 at 9:07 pm

      Hey Jasmine, that is something many worry about and your ex is not going to forget you in that amount of time! You need to stick to NC and do some work on yourself and your self confidence.

  12. Avatar


    January 10, 2020 at 2:30 am

    What should I do when a guy who I was dating 4 months said that he can’t get involved in relationship (when we start dating he was after 2 years toxic relationship) and break up our relationship saying that he doesn’t love me, he have feelings but it’s not love. I think that I was too involved in this and make some pressure cause he always said that he really like spending time with me but he can’t get involved but I really want to make things official and I was really good for him maybe too good and too caring… He broke up 4 days ago. I think that during his “breaking” I was really calm and only said that I don’t understand cause 5 days ago he said that he fell in love with me too . Day after when he ask me out to have a talk I write to him in message that I agree with his decision but i need some time for me now and start no contact then.I forget about one thing that could be important he said something like “I thinking about my emotions and not being sure about them but since our last meetings I’m sure that it isn’t love” – last three weeks I was really scared because he was really distanced and I try so hard to be carrying and loving.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 7:16 pm

      Hi Mary, so I wouldnt take this personally. He came out of a toxic relationship and got straight into a situation with you so he did not have time to get over that relationship or deal with the feelings that come with that break up. So eventually those feelings catch up with us and we have to deal with them, and sadly at that point people tend to NEED to be single to go through those emotions and thought process. I would in the mean time work on yourself, become ungettable show you are not going to hound him or chase him because you are respecting his decision to not be with someone right now, and just make sure you reach out after your No Contact and follow the information Chris has set on how to complete the texting phase

  13. Avatar

    Alexis Eunice Dimasuay

    January 8, 2020 at 12:22 am

    This is exactly what happens to me.
    I just dated this guy for less than 3 months. We talked about our status and he said, he wasn’t sure with me. After that he simply ignores me.

    After going through my brain, I don’t have any idea what happened.

    We are currently on NC for 2 week+ now.

    I wanted to talk to him but i guess that’s not appropriate. Should I try reaching out to him after the 30-45days of NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 2:47 am

      Hey Alexis, reach out after 30 days and see what sort of response you get, but make sure it is a text like what Chris suggests and not a generic message.

  14. Avatar


    January 7, 2020 at 11:51 pm

    My ex texted me out of the blue over the holidays. He just wondering how I am doing. He broke up with me over 7 months ago and I haven’t heard from him until now. We were in a long distance relationship for over 3 years. We texted back and forth about 5 times. I sent him a text asking what he has been up to. We haven’t spoken in so long. Ask about his job and his kids. Also ask him what made him think of me and why he reached out . I told him that I was glad he reached out to me. Anyways he hasn’t responded back to me and it’s been two days. First why would he contact me after this long going NC . I don’t even know if he’s still with his rebound either. What do you think is going on? I don’t know what I need to do. It’s so confusing. I still love him and want him back.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 4:52 am

      Hi V, so he reached out as you were on his mind. So he thought hed check in and when you asked him he probably didnt know how to answer that question without it sounding emotional. Have you read the program that we follow here? If not then you can start the texting phase as you have only just spoken to him after such a long time. Read as much as you can that applies to your situation and work from that

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