My Ex Told Me He Loves Me (But He Still Won't Commit)- How Can I Make Him?

197 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend Told Me He Loves Me But Won’t Commit”

Ashley

March 30, 2020 at 3:30 am

We broke up 2 weeks ago after slowly more and more distance grew between us. He had a lot of problems in his own life that made him unable to be happy in a relationship and asked for space (which I failed to give him and severely regret it) and he initiated a breakup. Since then we apologized to each other and took responsibility for our parts in ruining the relationship. We casually talk on the phone every few days and he tells me he loves me at the end of every phone call still, but he posted a pic of him with a girl the other day. Is this just a show for the world? I can’t imagine he actually moved on so fast. What are the odds we could reconcile and get back together? We had 2 years together and talked about marriage and kids and living together too 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 8, 2020 at 9:51 am

hi Ashley if he moved on this quickly and hasnt dealt with the things that he told you he was going through then this is a rebound that is filling the void for his relationship with you, it will end just as fast as it started so do not worry about that so much, for now you need to follow a 45 day nc and spend some time on yourself working on your holy trinity and then reach out starting the being there method

Ken Concepcion

March 7, 2020 at 12:57 am

Hi!

I want some help, Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years but now we broke up last January 27, its been 1 month since it happened. I initiated the break up because I feel like he doesnt care to me anymore, he found a new job on November and since then we barely talk to each other. We barely see each other and we always got into fights and arguments then we cool off for days then we communicate again forgive each other and be couples again and then fight again. But what is the reason why we are fighting? Because ever since we started our relationship his pride is bigger than him. And sometimes his friends is more important than me because he would rather hang out with them than to be with me eventhough we barely see each other. But he always says he loves me so much. I dont know if thats his personality, or did I expect too much of him. Because when he is courting me he seems so nice and gentleman but now its gone. I am so dissappointed.

But eventhough we broke up he still contact me, he get jealous when other guys text me or talk to me. He still cares and said take care of myself always. Because we dont know what the future holds and maybe one day we will be together again. But he dont wanna see me now he said we will see each other again but not sure when. Then last night i asked him if he still love me, but he sAid he dont want to answer bec. he had reasons and he dont want to tell it to me. So i felt very mad, and said to him, I dont want to waste my time with you, and I dont need your reasons. And I said Ill find someone else, and he said Ill also find someone else to be fair. Did I hurt him?
Or is it too early to asked him that when we are on the process of healing?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 18, 2020 at 3:26 am

Hi Ken so you went in too quickly with the emotional side of things. Start with a no contact again and reach out to your ex with a basic text that you are trying to just have a friendly conversation to start re building your connection

Elle

February 18, 2020 at 1:04 am

Hi there,
I really need some advice.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me in October after another argument. We always bickered – the joys of two stubborn people falling in love.
I was distraught and felt quite blindsided by the split. I begged for him back. I did everything you’re not supposed to. But then I stopped. He moved on, and later reached out to me in December asking if I still wanted him back. I was honest and said yes, and he admitted to still loving me (all the while, he was dating someone else). I then stopped speaking to him again, and since, he has left her and according to the girl, a big part of it was because he kept speaking about me to her, and obviously to me. I have seen him a few times. On the last occasion, he told me he wanted to give it another go and get back together. Two days later he changed his mind and we have been arguing ever since. He is adamant that he wants to be single (even though I know he is speaking to other girls), but he still professes to me how much he loves, cares and misses me. What do I do? Do I just step back completely and run in the other direction? No contact? What next? I am obviously still in love with him and this back and forth is destroying me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 22, 2020 at 5:56 pm

Hi Elle, so if he is telling you he loves you and wants to be with you but is entertaining other girls online or in person then his actions are not meeting his words. He could be confused, still having feelings for you and struggling to let the relationship go but he also could be trying to keep you available to him. I do suggest that you make it appear, or even if you’re up for it start dating other guys casually if he hears that you could be moving on it will force him to take action. Do not accept “I want to be with you”… unless he gets back into a relationship with you and is committed to you keep appearing to be moving on with other guys.

Sarah

February 10, 2020 at 5:18 pm

Hi, i hope you can give me some advice. We were together for 4 years, we lived together for half a year. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We didnt have any particular problem, just small things, that can be easily talked over and solved. 3 month ago he started to keep distance, we didnt talked as much as we used to. At january he broke up with me after he took a night out at weekdays, he didnt arrive Home until 8 am, didnt text me that he is ok, or anything. I am sure i managed it wrong and faulted him, but after that he broke up, because he doesnt love me like he used to, he wants to have his own life and he cant give me what i want, and the care he think i need. (after 4 years, often i dreamt about our life together, even his workmate mentioned him, that it is maybe time for him to ask me). He said he is not feel like he want to be married, and probably its better for both of us is we broke up. After the break up we met every week for talk, i was the one who asked for talking. He wanted us to talk usual things, what happened to him and things like this. I asked if we can met sometimes, he said we can,that he never said we shouldnt, but he dont know if its right for me. Since the break up, he always party and drink, he is never alone, not even weekdays. I dont know what should i do. I love him, and i think he got afraid over things, that are actually not even a problem. I know he would regret his decesion, but it could take years.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 15, 2020 at 5:43 pm

Hey Sarah, if you work on yourself and read the materials to become Ungettable and apply them to your life, using social media and mutual friends as tools to get this “new you” information back to him, it is likely he is going to show interest in you eventually. But you need to make sure that you are focus on making sure you are happy in life.

Olivia

December 17, 2019 at 5:32 pm

Hi, really hope you can give me some advice. My ex and I were together 5 years and very serious about one another and our future. We are in our mid 20’s and over the course of the last year we have dealt with a lot of change in relation to his career which I have found challenging to deal with. I didn’t realise the impact it was having on me but I became very difficult in the relationship and took everything out on him while also making it look like we wanted very different things. In August, a month into the very new intense job he had moved to he broke up with me saying he clearly couldn’t make me happy anymore and that we seemed to be on different life paths. I was devastated and knowing that the impressions I had given were wrong took myself to therapy to understand my behaviour. Over the course of the last four months I have done a lot of work on myself and have spent time doing things I never would have before (such as travelling abroad alone etc) but knowing that I want to be with him.

From day one of the breakup I decided not to reach out for him but we live nearby one another and ended up bumping into each other one week into the breakup and then week 3, and 5. During these times we had really short but nice conversations. A month and a half in we met properly to speak about everything. I explained everything I had learnt in therapy and the progress I had made and how we weren’t on different life paths and he did make me happy. He listened and said he could see I had changed and is still in love with me he just isn’t mentally ready to be back in a relationship with not just me but anyone. He said to be able to give our relationship another go for both our sakes he would need to be 100% sure it was the right thing for both of us because he wouldn’t want to ever break up again. We went back to no contact but we met up again several weeks later for a coffee to catchup and then again several weeks later we hung out for an afternoon and went to a museum together. Both of these meetings were initiated by him as wanting to catchup and in both we talked about what a future relationship for us would look like and I spoke about how different it could be. On both occasions he told me he is very much in love with me and finds himself missing me more and more as time goes by but that he doesn’t feel ready to get back together and therefore understands I need to move on. While I realise that this sounds as if he is trying to have his cake and eat it by seeing me, he is not like that at all and I have been able to see his pain very clearly and can see how conflicted he clearly feels. He says that he knew when breaking up with me he had to make peace with the idea I could meet someone else which is a thought he says he torments himself with on a daily basis but also knows it would be unfair to me for him to go back into this unless he is 100% sure he is ready. Right now he is focusing on getting used to this very intense job he is now in and gaining back his independence and after being together for so long.

On that last meeting he said that we can’t meet without a purpose and that he thinks we should meet in January and have that as an ultimatum for whether we move forwards together or stop meeting up. He suggested that we have one last meeting before Christmas to do something nice together – we had the weekend just gone. He planned a really lovely Christmas activity for us (something he knew I Ioved) followed by a beautiful dinner at one our favourite haunts. He insisted on paying for everything and said it was his Christmas present to me. We had a very romantic night, we ended up kissing and holding hands for most of it. When this first happened he clearly freaked out and when we talked about it he said he hadn’t intended for that to happen and doesn’t want to be unfair to me because he knows he still wants to wait until January to make a decision. I reassured him that it was a two way thing and that if I didn’t want to kiss him I wouldn’t. We went on to have a lovely dinner and drinks, when we talked about our future he said again that he is still in love with me but that his life is very different now with his job (he has virtually no free time) and that he has enjoyed gaining back some independence but also knows how much he misses me and is conflicted. We ended the evening with the agreement to meet in January to decide what to do and loosely said that we would text to wish each other Happy Christmas and New Year over the holidays. What would you advice I do over the next 3 weeks, would you suggest not contacting him at all other than on Christmas Day? I know how conflicted he feels and how desperate he is not to hurt me and therefore he will take making a decision like this very seriously and will not give this another go unless he is 100% sure he is ready to. I worry that having an ultimatum in January makes things feel very pressured and that over the holidays this thought will scare him and convince him he isn’t 100% ready and therefore cannot try to give it another go. Please advise!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 22, 2019 at 4:14 pm

Hi Olivia, so over this holiday period, I would allow him to make the majority of the moves allowing him to miss you and if he wants to talk to you he can and you reply politely. It is difficult as you are not over, you’re more in limbo but I would limited no contact him just so that he can miss you and reach out to you if he wants to, to show that you are not going to chase him either

Kels

December 2, 2019 at 8:23 pm

Hey!!
This is definitely helpful. Right now I’m in the no contact phase. Ex broke up with me November 7 and haven’t talked to him since. We met in March and have been friends, friends with benefits, dated, broke up and repeat for the last 9/10 months. He broke up with me because he said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore that his feeling’s changed but that he loves me enough to let me go and still cares alot about me. He mentioned trying to be friends again eventually but I’m not sure. He said alot that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship (Yet he asked me to “date”) he doesn’t have his self together and I think that really bothers him. He mentioned he wants to possibly try again in a a year or whatever but idk if he just said that for my sake or if he really meant it.

Him and I are in a tough situation because my best friend is dating (There engaged and we’re both in wedding) my ex’s cousin so no matter what we are going to be around each alot.

Any advice?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 6, 2019 at 7:05 pm

Hi Kels so as your life is involved with your exes somewhat, you need to remain in an emotionally controlled state when around him. Showing him that you are not crying or losing sleep over him choosing to not be with you, your sphere of influence is strong with your connection to his family and the fact you are both in the wedding party means you are going to be looking amazing in front of him when the wedding is on and you… ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM YOUR TIME. You can be civil and you can say hello, a nice short chat and move on be the social butterfly in the wedding where you are not in the same place for too long. If he spends the evening following you or trying to be around you be nice but keep yourself strong and composed.

Alice

December 2, 2019 at 2:58 am

Hi, first of all thank you for the amazing advice on your page.
My ex and I broke up in September after just over a year together, we had quite some troubles (both of us were at fault) during our time together. It was mainly communication issues that led to broken trust on both sides. But even until the end although we had big fights, we still laughed a lot together, we still loved one another, we still had an amazing physical connection. He ended it, and he did it in a not very nice way because he felt like it was the only option and although I don’t agree with what he did, I understand how he felt as we had both come close to breaking up a few times. He told me he didn’t want to speak to me for at least six months at the time, and I emailed him a few times, which I know I shouldn’t have. I stopped and after ten days he wrote to me for the first time, apologising for his part in everything and saying I deserved better and he isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now, that he hopes we can be friends and ended with “I love you”. I replied and also apologised for my part, told him I wish that we could share something together and told him I love him too. Since then, I found out that I have been really unwell the whole time we were together and that is largely related to my emotional management during our relationship. I let him know, and he’s said its moved a lot of his feelings, and made him less afraid of us reconnecting, that he can imagine us sharing physical intimacy and affection someday but first we need a solid friendship. That even if it makes a big difference, it doesn’t change everything that happened and he is more focused on himself and having friends and lovers than a serious relationship. Since then we’ve been emailing back and forward, he always tells me he loves me and is sending a lot of love, but he did tell me during the break up that he’s not in love with me anymore and he’s said it once (kind of) since we broke up. I can’t tell why he keeps saying he loves me. I am taking time to reply to him, as well as dropping in nice memories together and talking about things I’m doing differently compared to when we were together. It’s hard, because we live in two different countries now and I don’t know how often we will be able to see each other. When we were together we both agreed that didn’t have to be an issue and we could make it work, but now he’s said that for anything else moving forward and trying to rebuild anything he’s not sure how it will work because of the distance. It’s all quite confusing, because I can’t tell if he still loves me (he says it a lot) but only as a friend now. I also don’t know if we can progress from friendship to lovers to partners again. He wants to take more time with people generally before settling into that kind of commitment with them. Is it possible that he wants to see how things will go with us and will one day consider it if things go well and the obstacles we had are removed? Or is that door closed forever because of the difficulties we already had? I’m also not right now in a place for a serious relationship honestly, but I would like to rebuild it with him in the future one day after being friends and lovers and seeing that we can have better communication together. Thank you

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 6, 2019 at 7:46 pm

Hi Alice, so if you’re not ready for the relationship then follow the process to reach a point you are in regular contact with your ex again (the texting phase) and build yourself up that value chain, if by the time you are talking almost daily you are still not ready for a relationship then that is your answer for you and him. As if you follow this process properly your value invested in each other is growing and should make you want to be with your ex and them with you. Now as you are saying you need to do some self work you also need to read about the Ungettable Girl which is huge part of the process and so important for women to learn about if they want to better themselves

Missy

November 25, 2019 at 2:09 pm

Thank you. Myself and my ex were together 2 years and it was not always an easy relationship. There is a 15 year age difference and we both have emotional baggage. We had a very difficult few months and split twice then split again after a third try. We broke contact and I met someone else very quickly, which I regret. We then started contact again and when my brief relationship ended we started seeing more of each other as friends.
He supported me through a very difficult time and said he wanted to get back together. We both agreed the time wasn’t good but that it was something we hoped might happen. All was fine until a few weeks ago when he became more distant, stopped contacting me as much, was angry with me and generally cold. I asked and he says he is not ambivalent about us and does not know if he would want to get back together. He said it’s not a no or a yes. He is adamant he has not met someone else (my suspicion). However, if I do not contact him he rarely contacts me, he will read messages and ignore them and whilst we have seen each other recently I’ve also suggested meeting for a coffee and he put me off saying he was tired and wanted an early night-and was then on social media at 2am.
I think really I know the answer. But should I stick with the friendship? I’ve stopped contacting him and he did text after a couple of days but when I replied he just said ok and didn’t really reply to the text I sent. I’m confused and hurt.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 25, 2019 at 4:46 pm

Hi Missy, so considering your friendship has been going on for a whole and he is distancing himself from you I would assume he has met someone else too but you have no proof of this. If you want to continue your friendship carry on as you are and just be patient with him. If you want to get back with him then you need to being the program, where you start with No Contact

Missy

November 21, 2019 at 9:41 am

Hi is this still being monitored at all? Could do with a little advice

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 23, 2019 at 11:45 pm

Hi Missy yes still being monitored 🙂

Tara

November 19, 2019 at 1:57 am

My ex bf and I were together for 3 years. We broke up the first time 4 months into the relationship and we got back together 11 months later. He dumped me again 2 weeks ago because we kept fighting nonstop and my emotions got out of control so I exploded at him which made him want to end things. I told him I want to see a therapist to help me control my emotions and he said “do it for you, not for the relationship”. He also kept saying “its too late to change and fix things”. When I was saying goodbye to him, he said he will always love and miss me, he won’t get over me, he does not want to get with any other girls, and he even kissed me goodbye 3 times. We were already in a long distance relationship, so I have not seen him since we said goodbye. I told him we just need space and a break from each other. We talked a few times after the breakup but every time we talked he was acting awkward and uncomfortable and told me he needs space. I started the no contact and will not talk to him unless he makes the first move. He agreed to see me before I go back home for the holidays, but I am scared he’s not going to want to work things out with me. I am a believer of distance makes the heart grow fonder and I know he was too. I know we are meant to be together, we have so much in common and we are each other’s best friends. It’s been 2 weeks and I have been crying every day since he ended things.
JennaM

November 16, 2019 at 6:16 pm

Hi, I have split with my partner of 10 years but are still living together until the house sells. It’s very difficult, every few days I get a text saying “love you xxx” and it’s so confusing because he comes home and is horrible to me. He has been very abusive in the past but has asked me to change… I still love him but I’m finding him loving me one day and hating me the next. He makes me feel worthless so I’m not sure why I would consider even giving him another chance. We have 3 children at home so we are kind of living like a family just to try and keep things normal for the kids but we don’t sleep in the same bed.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 18, 2019 at 9:12 pm

Hey Jenna, from what you’ve said that, this is not a relationship you want to go back into unless he gets into therapy and actually works on himself properly with a professional. It is not healthy for your children to see your relationship if this is how it works as they will learn this behavior themselves. So you are doing the right thing being apart right now. As hard as it is for you hearing him tell you he loves you one day, you need to make it clear he needs to take the correct steps to get you back and start therapy

Jossie

October 15, 2019 at 7:59 am

Hi. I really need some advise. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 8 years. We loved each other so much over the years, and we love one another still! But our relationship has had its bumps – starting with the fact that there is an age difference. It has never mattered to us! And if he were the older one it would be no problem for anyone else, but I am the older one. His family had a big issue with this in the beginning; and personally I didn’t think it was any of their business! But everything is is everyone’s business in his family. (His parents and everyone in his family older than him were immigrants from another country, and there are cultural differences, so I’ve always tried to respect them – and seek their approval). Most of his family eventually accepted me; except his father has never really liked me (though I don’t know why. He doesn’t speak any english and we have never said one word to one another. But he doesn’t approve of the age difference, even though my boyfriend’s father is 10 years OLDER than his mother! But it’s acceptable for the man to be older which is crap). Over the years we have broken up and got back together a couple of times. But this time it was different. This time, it was unexpected. In the past we have had many arguments and disagreements, but we had been getting along much better over the last year. We had done so many firsts in the last 6-12 months! We had taken a 15 hour road trip to my family reunion and had a blast, went to 6 flags with his family and rode rollercoasters which we both love, went and saw all 3 of our favorite comedians live, went to the Winchester Mystery House and took the tour, so when we got into a fight – at his parents house where he lives – it didn’t seem fatal to me. But the next day when I tried to call him to apologize for my part, he didn’t answer. Knowing how stubborn he can be and that he is quick to need time to himself, I decided to leave him alone (except for a bunch of texts I should never send – but always do!) We didn’t see each other or talk for 3 weeks. Then I saw him around the corner from his house ( I live less than a mile away) so I drove over and said Hi when he got out of his car. He hugged me and said hi, then standing outside by the curb, he told me he just wanted to “be friends” and that we had been together “8 years too long.” He then told me that his parents didn’t want me over anymore, he would call me the next day to talk more, and he walked inside his parents house and shut the door… and just left me standing there in tears. He ignored my calls and texts. After going by his work, he finally came by to “talk” a couple times; but we never talked. I would start to cry, he would get angry…and after a few minutes he would leave. I finally got fed up with everything. I got help for myself via talking with my friends, going to the spa, getting my hair and nails done, focusing on my career which I love, cleaning out my closets, and joining a gym after not working out much for a couple years! I went no contact for 10 days. I’ve moved passed the “craziness” of breaking up. I’ve let go of it – because I don’t want to go backward. But I still love this man more with each day – broken up or not! After the no contact, I sent him one little text saying “I love you.” And he texted right back, “I love you too.” I waited a couple more days then made contact. Now he has been coming over once a week for dinner or a movie – and yes, we have been intimate. I did let him know that I refuse to be anyone’s “friend with benefits,” and he said he understands. So, I want to do this right. I want respect from him this time, and I won’t accept anything less (because I feel like I’m always last priority. Like after he hangs out with his friends, then his cousin, then he finds time to spend with me! At like 8pm on a Sunday night!) Sometimes that’s okay, but I want to be the woman of value to him that he once believed me to be. And for once, I would like to live with one another – in our own place! We never have in 8 years! We’ve only lived together – at his buddy’s house (and every day after work and every weekend him, his buddy and their other guy friends would hang out. For 18 months! That’s not living together!) Help? Advice? I don’t know how to play this “game” well. I just know how to be myself. But I also am tired of being too available all the time, taken for granted, and last on the priority list. Please tell me what to do! Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 15, 2019 at 3:54 pm

Hey Jossie, so where we always say not to have sex until you are officially back together. So that is where you need to think about your actions rather than words. Telling him you dont want friends with benefits then sleeping with him when youre not in a committed relationship goes against yourself.

As for living together you should maybe start subtle showing him places you can afford together. If his family are going to control his life though you need to consider if he is going to stand up to them and be with you, or is he going to follow as they say and you’re going to be back where you started again. But again these conversations have to be light, tension free and positive so use your words wisely.

Elaine

July 26, 2019 at 10:46 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We got into a huge fight that just blew up and caused him to break up with me. After gnatting him, I’ve attempted no contact but only lasted 2 days because I missed him so much. We’re going into week 3 since we broke up. He says he’s still firm on not being my boyfriend right now but is very adamant about remaining friends. I’ve tried dropping off the rest of his things and told him we couldn’t be friends because the feelings I have for him are too real & too strong. I love him. He says he misses me, loves, & still cares for me but still wants to remain friends as of now. He says he’ll come to me when he can so we can talk but I don’t see a point in talking when he wishes to be friends and I wish for another chance with him. I’m confused and hurt because I want nothing more than to be with him and I hope he still feels the same but just doesn’t know what he wants. Help.
Maya

June 24, 2019 at 7:18 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m in a rather complex situation. My ex is polyamorous and I’m figuring out where I sit on that spectrum. We’ve been long distance and off and on because of it since 2014. I moved out to the U.S. to study and give us a real go and things have basically been great….until the pressure of being in a new place and dealing with so many new things (relationships, sexuality, immigration, financial insecurity, school, being away from home etc) resulted in me developing an Adjustment Disorder with anxiety and depression traits. Without knowing, I hurt him, I hurt his other partner, and most of all, I hurt me. He confronted me, with a whole bunch of things I had never heard before, and said that we should work on being good friends, and then maybe good lovers.

One month on and I am getting help to better myself for me, and am still living with my ex and his partner. Because of everything, I’m a little bit more reserved in terms of interaction, and more focused on keeping busy and working through what I can. He says he still loves me and cares about me and wants me to be able to talk to him, but I don’t always feel that comfortable when the actions don’t seem to match i.e. there’s not a lot of engagement – he doesn’t respond to small talk messages, which I have pulled back on. Yet the other day he came in and was talking about hanging out once he has his work schedule.

I’m not quite sure what to make of all of the mixed signals, and am not quite sure what to do other than watch and wait!
Sarah

May 11, 2019 at 1:08 pm

Hi Chris,
I hope you can help. My ex boyfriend of 2 and a half years finished with me straight after a wedding we attended. He told me initially that he could not trust me even though I have given him no reason not to. I work in a male dominated sales role (which he used to be very proud of me for). He was very cold when he was splitting up with me and said some very nasty things about my character.
Straight after he went out with his friends and was partying for a couple of days. I messaged him and told him how much I loved him, for him then to tell me he was thinking about finishing things with me for a while due to things we never managed to fully agree on; where we would live, how we would bring up children, he even had an issue that I have a faith and he doesn’t.
I told him that I was willing to compromise on some areas but he then told me he was too selfish to compromise and that he just wants to be single.
He asked to meet me the other day and he gave me back my things which hurt so much. When I seen him he was a mess and was crying his eyes out. He kept on telling me how I was an amazing person and he loved me dearly, that there is nothing else I could have done. My point being that we had an amazing relationship but some issues did need to be resolved and I was always willing to.
I am unsure what to do from here, I can’t help but feel he is very final however the romantic in me and my love for him keeps wishing that he will change his mind and realise we can work on things.
Please can you help me I am a devastated mess, I thought I was going to spend my life with him and we were even saving for a house.
I cannot eat or sleep and I hate myself so much right now.

Chris Seiter

May 11, 2019 at 10:58 pm

Hi Sarah….don’t hate yourself…love yourself. Take time to focus on your own healing and recovery. That is the most important thing right now. So repair that important relationship you have with yourself first. Also take a look at my EBR Pro Bundle Program as its has a lot of helpful tools and resources.

Sonia

March 11, 2019 at 9:35 am

Hey Chris, I really need your help.
My ex and I were dating for a year and a half and broke up a month ago. He broke up because he is from another country and is studying where I live. He is supposed to leave in a year and a half, but he doesn’t know if he’ll go home or go somewhere else to continue studying. We had an amazing relationship. I was his first real girlfriend and he was treating me like a queen. We never fought and we were best friends. Always there for each other, traveling together, talking about the future. The thing is, he was wondering what will happen to us when he leaves, and decided that he isn’t ready for me to leave with him because he still doesn’t know himself where he’ll go and do next, and he doesn’t want me to put my life and dreams on hold. He decided to break up now, and not when he leaves, because it will hurt even more. We are in contact and we still love each other deeply. We have been intimate after the break up. He always cries when talking about our relationship and feels really guilty about what he did.. Whenever we see each other, he can’t keep his hands off of me, and said “he hates how right it feels to hold me”. He thinks he made the right choice for the future, but can’t stick to it. I told him I would go anywhere in the world as long as I’m with him, and he sees that as a problem because he doesn’t want me to follow him. He said I’m the right girl for him but at the wrong time. I don’t know what to do. I’m a nurse and I can work wherever in the world, that’s not the problem. But he really scared of the future and decided the easy path-the breakup. Can you give me some advice on what to do?
Thank you.

Chris Seiter

March 11, 2019 at 11:55 pm

Hi Sonia…my feeling is if two people are truly the right ones for each other, then they will find a way. So he may be stuck in his head. Perhaps giving him plenty of space may help put things in better perspective. So check out my Program (EBR PRO) and consider implementing no contact.
Chris Seiter

March 11, 2019 at 9:48 pm

Hi Sonia…so some guys are just not so good with “attachment” and look for ways to bow out. So implementing No Contact can help him realize your value value and also help you accomplish other things. I hope you are using my eBook to help you thru all this!

Felicia

March 2, 2019 at 5:12 pm

My ex and I have been broken up for about a month now, we were together for 8 months, with talks of moving in together. I was blindsided because I thought it was just a rough patch. I had been feeling pretty down during the last two weeks of our relationship because of university and I just felt something was off. I wanted some attention but it didn’t seem as much as before and we barely texted throughout the day. I would get upset when he made small comments, it made me feel even worse and as if I wasn’t enough. He never meant them as they were supposed to be jokes or to keep it light. The day before we were to meet up, he asked to pick up a work shift, I was upset but I felt it was a lose-lose situation telling him he couldn’t pick up a shift. And if I did say yes, I would be upset anyway. We were to talk seriously, but his work and my school made it so we had to wait a week. When we hung out that night, it was lovely, I felt calm and at peace, and everything seemed fine. I spent the night and then we talked on Saturday morning. He asked if I was happy, I said I was, I was just having some trouble. He talked about how he felt he didn’t do enough because I would get upset at small things or maybe I wanted to try shaking things off more easily. He talked about wanting to date me again and not being in a relationship (this was also recently after he received his university diploma). I was distraught of course, but I had work afterward. So after my work, he drove to talk. He said he loves me but he couldn’t be my boyfriend. We talk some more and we were both crying, and how he said he’s unhappy when by himself, he isn’t a special guy, he doesn’t know what he wants and that killed me. He says maybe he’s an idiot for doing this and I can’t just say he is. But he says he wants to be friends still. I ask him if this is a breakup then and he tells me he doesn’t want it to be. I ended up crying and saying how I hate how people think they get to decide what’s best for me, and if it’s best for him, I’ll just leave and ran to my house crying. He texts me later that night how he was sorry about how that night went and if I need to talk he’ll be around. I text him once each day after that (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday) but I didn’t get a reply and I stop.

A week later on Sunday, he tells me that his past texts haven’t been sent since it seems I’m not receiving them. And he says that he doesn’t think he can be my boyfriend. He sends me a screenshot when I asked, and he had replied in a timely manner. He told me I shouldn’t wait for him since he doesn’t know how long to figure himself out. I had told him I wanted to be there for him while he does this but he stated this was something for him to do himself.

We talk a bit, asking how each other has been doing, and it felt so nice talking to him again. But I couldn’t say all that I wanted to, as a “friend.” I didn’t agree with being friends yet. I ask him some questions about being friends, like what are your intentions for being friends after a break-up? Have you done so with other exes? Wouldn’t it hurt to be friends? I asked him why he wanted to be friends (since in my head how did he know if he wanted to be friends if he doesn’t know what he wants).

His answer is that of being there for each other, we could still hang out with him and his friends. I don’t have a car so the only way had been for him to pick me up. That maybe it would hurt but it’s up to the person hurting. But he would still be my friend. For my last question, he replied with “Because that’s who I am,” which wasn’t satisfactory to me. It wasn’t if he wanted to.
I tell him that it’s best to not be friends right now since it invalidates our connection and appreciated him trying to be friends and would let him know when I was ready.

I initiated NC, broke it to deliver his already made gift/send him a birthday text. Received a simple Thank you! I then broke NC again, when I made a call when intoxicated on a girls’ night out. He was kind, my best friend was supervising me during the call. I asked him why he couldn’t be here with me and he replied with I’m sorry repeatedly. I then asked did he love me, he said yes. I have started NC again since then, currently been 8 days since then. I don’t know for how long though will I keep NC, perhaps 45 days.

I have been working on myself, focusing on classes and healing. I posted a couple of new posts on social media, and have even made new friends. I’m also due to see a therapist soon. Any advice is appreciated.
Ashley

February 21, 2019 at 12:57 am

Hi Chris! I have been diving into your blog but I really would appreciate some advice.

My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. We had dated a little less than a year and lived together for about 6 months. Unfortunately, being under the same roof sparked some heated discussions and arguments towards the end of our relationship; I needed quality time and communication with him and he is more social and wanted to always be with his friends. We both work very stressful jobs and even though we lived together, we never really “spent time together” which caused me to feel insecure and asking for quality time; but it felt like we were always surrounded by other people. About a month ago, he asked me to move out because the pressure of not having our own space was suffocating, he said that he was doing this for the good of our relationship, and even though it was painful I agreed it would be helpful. I lived at home with my parents until I found a new place. When it came time to move me into my apartment, he was distant and the following day he broke up with me. He was crying when he did it and said that he still loves me, and didn’t see himself with anyone else (anytime soon), and hoped we could work out in the future and that I would be hearing from him. I went no contact immediately. About a week after the breakup, I was at his house getting a few things I left behind when he wasn’t supposed to be home, and he showed up. We talked and it was positive: he said that he loved me, missed me, was struggling and “taking it all day by day” and was confident and hopeful we would be back together. He then gave me the tightest hug and kissed me. The next day, he told me that he meant all the things he said, but he regretted saying them because he didn’t want to give me “false hope” but that he hoped we could still be together eventually, he just wasn’t sure when that would be. He reiterated that he loved and missed me, but he “doesnt want me to wait for him” and hopes we find our way back to each other. What does any of this mean? I’ve been (sort of) in no contact, but this is all terribly confusing and painful. How can he say he loves me, misses me, and is confident we will be together again, but then acts like I don’t exist and tells me he doesn’t want to get my hopes up?? PLEASE HELP!

Chris Seiter

February 21, 2019 at 3:19 am

Hi Ashley!

I know its hard and confusing….always is post breakup. I do think NC is a reasonable path. I hope you are using my Program eBooks so you can optimize your efforts and also get inspired to focus on some personal recovery activities.

Sierra

February 12, 2019 at 5:21 pm

I could use some advice please. My ex and i have been broken up for well over a year. We broke up because i was much like the runaway girlfriend, in a position in my life where i wasn’t sure what i wanted, we fought and it just became unhealthy. For the past 7 months, we have been back and forth (yes we get intimate). there has been 3 separate occasions after a period of no contact where he has come back and tell me he want to be with me but wouldn’t put in much effort. Just under two weeks ago he did the same thing for the third time… and i fell for it again. This time was very short lived cause I’ve been jerked around before and i just did not have the patience. Two days ago we hoped on a call and he told me he wants us to work out but the timing does not feel right, he said he loves me but is not where he wants to be as a man and in building his business. I have dozens of messages with him going through different scenarios of us being together, but he is very conflicted with what “he thinks he should do and what he wants to do”. The conversation ended very heated, we both said we should not talk for a few months so we can heal and then i blocked him… My heart is broken again, i try to ease my anxiety with mediation. I try to find comfort in knowing this pain won’t last forever, i just don’t understand why it was so easy for me yet he was so conflicted. I felt like he drug me through the mud, he apologized for it all and told me what he said is really how he felt… I guess I just wonder if he will come to his sense? or if i should truly walk away given how many chances i gave him. i mean where is the self love….

Chris Seiter

February 13, 2019 at 12:39 am

Hi Sierra!

well before you throw in the towel, build in some extended down time. No Contact is partly about that and much. Keep the focus on your recovery and healing and becoming the best “you”. IF he can’t get on board in the future, then its his loss and you will have other very fulfilling paths to explore.

Pristine

January 23, 2019 at 11:41 pm

Hi,

I have know my ex boyfriend for 2 years now. We hooked up 2 years ago in 2017, we were friends before that for almost 4 months. We started hanging out together all the time. Eventually developed feelings but we were not admitting. We were still going out on dates. After a year in 2018, we decided to deal with our feelings. We stopped talking to other people on any dating apps. But 2017, kind of messed up our feelings. We couldn’t trust each other as we have been seeing each other dating other people and still remain FWB. We used to be jealous but couldn’t admit. After deciding to be exclusive in 2018, we were on and off several times as he was not sure if we could have a future together. Then finally in Sept 2018, we were fully committed. He started the conversation with his parents about our wedding. His mom did not approve. He tried until December 2018. She became extremely negative and finally he gave up. I tried no contact in Dec for 3 days, he came back saying he did this under too much pressure from both his mom and me and took the easy way by breaking up but he wants to try. He started talking to his family again and in a week, he gave up again. I did a no contact for a week after that but this time with no anger. I simply went to another city for week but we live together, so I had to come back. He tried contacting me, I responded during that week but I was cold. Then after coming back, I decided to live like normal couples for 2 more weeks and then I was moving out to a new place. Now, I have moved out and I have told him that he should not contact me again. We both cried a lot before I left, he said he will miss me and he loves me. He took care of me like the way he used to during these last two weeks. He got me roses and a nice gift on my birthday which was just a day before I left that house. It’s day 2 of no contact. I think he loves me and he says that I am a unicorn, he will never find someone like me and I feel he means all this but the problem is, he is a mamma’s boy. He will not go against her will. I want him back. Will he come back?

Chris Seiter

January 23, 2019 at 11:47 pm

Hi Pristine!

Its early in the process but he seems to still care for you very much. Perhaps a briefer NC period.

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