I was asked an interesting question on the support group recently, it’s something that I think a lot of you will be wondering…..
“How do I get my ex back when he blames me for everything?”
It was a really good question and it deserved a really good answer so I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I’ve worked hard this week on refining the approach to getting your ex back in this scenario and I am really excited to share it with you!
Now, how you go about getting your ex back when they blame you for the breakup varies slightly depending on your situation so in this article we are going to cover four areas:-
- Is the breakup really your fault?
- Should you apologize?
- How to handle an angry ex-boyfriend
- How to persuade your ex-boyfriend it’s not your fault
- Understanding if they still care about you
Lets Dive In
I think it’s fair to say that most breakups make both people feel pretty rotten right?
Nobody enjoys being dumped and no-one really enjoys hurting someone they love either….
I thought about this for a while and there are two main reasons a person might blame you after a breakup, firstly they are disappointed or secondly they feel guilty.
An ex-boyfriend might feel disappointed if they feel you let them down when something like cheating happened; alternatively an ex might feel guilty that they hurt your feelings during the breakup.
Dumping you can leave your ex-boyfriend feeling guilty for a long time afterwards especially if they can see you are suffering with the news.
So what might an ex-boyfriend do to make himself feel better after he breaks-up with you?….
He will convince himself that you were was so badly behaved that he was forced to breakup with you, this means that he can feel like the victim!
That’s crazy behavior right??!
But it makes sense when you think about it…..because victims don’t have to feel guilty or accept any blame for their own faults either, it means they can have a clear conscience!
Even the most down to Earth guy can have this kind of a reaction to a breakup, in fact it is really common because nice guys are even more likely to feel guilty for hurting your feelings
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIs The Breakup Really Your Fault?
I’m going to make the assumption that you are all reading this article as your ex-boyfriend broke up with you, clearly if you broke up with him then the breakup is your fault.
There are three straightforward questions you can ask yourself to establish if the breakup was your fault
Were you abusive?
Were you violent or controlling towards your ex, if you were then the breakup was your fault. This is going to take the longest time period to winning your ex back as it’s going to take a while to prove you have changed your behavior.
Did you cheat?
If you cheated on your ex-boyfriend whilst you were together then I probably don’t need to tell you that the breakup was your fault. This may also take a long time to win your ex back. You will have to demonstrate to your ex that you are sorry and that you are trustworthy before he will stop blaming you and consider getting back together .
Did you have any major life issues like gambling, addictions or depression that caused a strain on your relationship?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you had some of these problems then it’s at least partly your fault the breakup occurred. This issue is a medium time period to fix. I think most exes would be willing to consider getting back together if they can see you are getting some help and on the path to recovery.
Did you have a general breakup?
If you just had a general breakup then it is fair to assume that the breakup wasn’t your fault and your ex is blaming you because they feel guilty. This is the easiest of the four scenarios to get your ex back from as the breakup was no-ones fault.
Apologies
Whether you need to apologize really depends on whether you were to blame for the breakup.
If you cheated or were abusive then you will need to make a big apology and build up some trust with your ex and this is going to take a long time to fix.
If you had life issues and were struggling with some inner demons of your own, then you are going to have to accept some blame in the breakup. This is a medium apology and will take a medium amount of time to fix.
If you had a general breakup, then you make no apology for your behavior and can reasonably hope for a short timescale to fix.
Some of you are probably wondering why are you going to apologize?…
Well if your ex was right in blaming you for the breakup, then ignoring his reasons will just make him even more angry. The best thing you can do is apologize once and acknowledge your wrong doing.
Now I want you to apologize and make it as sincere as you can because you are only going to apologize one time. If you apologize many times it is going to seem desperate and the Ungettable Girl is never desperate.
So I know what you are thinking, I had a general breakup and it wasn’t my fault, shouldn’t I just apologize to stop my ex being so angry as well?….
No way! Apologizing is admitting guilt and unless you are the cause of the breakup you don’t want to do that. If you apologize you will confirm in his mind that his reasons to breakup with you were valid and the breakup was your fault. If you do this you will make it more difficult to get your ex-boyfriend to take you back.
Think of it like going to court, if you get caught doing a crime then you might get a lighter sentence if you apologize and plead guilty, but you wouldn’t plead guilty if you are innocent because you would automatically go to prison. The same applies with your ex-boyfriend and your breakup.
When Should I Send The Apology
If your ex texts you during the no contact period and blames you for the breakup you should respond with an apology BEFORE your no contact is over; take 24 hours to draft your apology and send it the next day.
Applying immediately will lead to another fight and that’s not going to help win your ex back. Your ex-boyfriend will probably try to pick a fight with you after you apologize and I recommend that you back away from all conversation and go back into your no-contact period.
After you finish your no-contact period you should start texting as per the normal Ex-Boyfriend Recovery texting plan.
If you have not heard from your ex during the no-contact period but he either ignores three of your initial texts in a row or replies angrily to your texts and the breakup was your fault then you will want to reply once with an apology, then go back into no-contact.
Just to re-iterate…. If you had a normal breakup, do not apologize ever!
Now, this begs an interesting question,
What exactly are the apology types?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe big apology: This is where you accept full responsibility for the breakup and express regret.
Example:
“I’m sorry I was unfaithful, I know I have hurt your feelings and I am truly sorry for that. I was stupid and there is no excuse for my behavior and the pain I have caused you. I know this can’t be fixed with a mere apology but I offer it anyway and hope you read this knowing how much I regret my actions.”
The medium apology: This is where you accept that you contributed towards the breakup and tell your ex-boyfriend why it won’t happen again.
Example
“I’m sorry I keep losing my way and drinking, I know that it is not right and I don’t want to keep repeating this so I am getting help. I understand I have a problem and that it affects the whole family. I can only imagine how my drinking has made you feel and I am sorry for putting you through that. I hope one day you can forgive me”
No apology: This one is pretty obvious, simply don’t apologize.
If you fall into the no apology category just go straight into the “first contact” text message.
Apology tips.
- Avoid using phrases or reasons that justify your behavior.
- Keep your apologies brief, a few lines is enough… do not write a long letter.
- Don’t ask for forgiveness on a big apology, it will look like you are ignoring the scale of the issue.
- Avoid grand gestures like cards or gifts. You cannot buy forgiveness.
Handling the angry ex.
As I mentioned earlier if your ex is blaming you for the breakup it is most likely caused by either disappointment or guilt. There are two types of angry ex, I have named them the Silent Sulker and the Angry Bear, which one your ex is will depend on his personality.
The Silent Sulker
If your ex is a Silent Sulker then his most likely reaction to the breakup will be to blame you whilst ignoring you. You might find out through friends or social media that the breakup is all your fault but he probably won’t tell you directly.
When a Silent Sulker ignores you, it’s a sign of their discontent and it is a way to exercise control over you even after the breakup.
Wait what?!??!….
Here’s how ignoring you helps him do that:-
- It’s a way to hurt you without being aggressive.
- It’s an excuse to avoid caring or showing respect.
- He can see that it makes you depressed when he ignores you.
- It feeds his ego when you gnat him to get a response.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSilent Sulker Response Method
If you get ignored, do not become a text gnat just take a step back and wait a week and try again with another text.
If he ignores three texts in a row send the apology and wait 4 weeks for a big apology, 3 weeks for a medium apology or 2 weeks for no apology before restarting texting.
The Angry Bear
If your ex is an Angry Bear then you should be prepared for him to blow up your phone with texts and phone calls blaming you for the breakup. Your ex might say he never wants to see you again or that he hates you or never really liked you in the first place. If this happens I want you to stay calm, your ex is saying this out of anger in an attempt to hurt you.
When an Angry Bear sends you messages, it is going to feel like the most tempting thing in the world to hit reply and confront him but I need you to put your phone away and go out to the gym or have food with your parents…. Basically anything but text him back so you’re going to need some discipline here!!
There’s an excellent reason you should wait to until you are calm before you text….. I heard a great quote about it last month and I want to share it with you…
“Speak when you are angry and make the best speech you’ll ever regret”.
This statement is so true for both you and your ex-boyfriend so remember to restrain your emotions and avoid sending him messages that you regret later on.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAngry Bear Response Method
If your ex starts a fight and you haven’t already apologised, wait until the next day then send your apology. If you have already apologised or didn’t need to apologise then you should text him within the hour saying:-
“I understand you are upset, I will leave you in peace, hope you are doing well”
You will then disappear for 4 weeks if you had a big apology, 3 weeks for a medium or 2 weeks for no apology.
Why Do I Have To Wait So Long Before I Text Again?
There’s an amazing thing called the Kubler-Ross curve, it explains the rollercoaster of emotions people go through when there is a big change in their lives like a breakup.
It’s pretty awesome because it actually helps you predict how your ex is feeling and will be feeling in the future.
The great thing about the Kubler-Ross curve is that everyone goes through it, even you are going through it right now because of your breakup. Look at all the emotions it maps out and see if you can relate them to your own experience during the breakup!
The fantastic news is that the Kubler-Ross curve shows that your ex-boyfriend can’t stay angry forever!
According to the curve your ex-boyfriend is going to stop feeling angry and start thinking that things could be fixed and eventually start feeling depressed and full of regret that you aren’t still together.
So, how long does that take? Well normally people get to the angry stage after about a week and the depression stage at about 3-4 weeks. Of course everyone is different and it depends how long your relationship was but assuming you were seeing each other for more than a few months then I think those are good estimates.
Now using those estimates, you will see that at roughly the same time your ex is going to regret the breakup, you’re going to come out of no contact!! …. I know it is genius, that’s why the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery plan needs you to wait at least 21 days!!
Of course occasionally an ex can stay in the angry stage for longer, if this happens you need to be a bit more patient. If you get to 21 days and your ex-boyfriend is still angry, it’s reasonable to assume that he might need another few weeks before he gets to the stage of regret. Should this happen I want you to keep working on being the Ungettable Girl and send a text message later on in the month.
The reason you need to give him some space is that your ex wants to enjoy sulking and being angry; it’s a lot like a game to him. However when you choose not to argue back or acknowledge his sulking you take the fun out of the game and he will get bored with sulking.
Bingo!…. You win the game quicker by ignoring him!!
So if he is ignoring you remember….. Don’t be a text gnat.
Persuading Your Ex That It’s Not Your Fault
Ok, so now you understand why he is blaming you and that he will not stay angry forever; it’s probably time to talk about how you can convince him it’s not your fault.
Now what you need to do is think like a ninja!….
Why????
Because the thing about ninja’s is that you never notice what they are doing until it is too late.
You see you can’t just tell your ex the breakup wasn’t your fault because he’s is just going to resist. What you have to do is show him and let him come to the conclusion himself.
I can guess what you are going to ask me…. “How on Earth can I do that when he hates me??”
I want to tell you about a clever little thing called the “Yes Momentum”…. It comes from NLP, which is a way to activate your unconscious mind to achieve your goals and get results. NLP is used by athletes, psychologists and career people to help get what they want in life, it’s a bit like the Law of Attraction on steroids! If it’s good enough for them, it’s got to be good enough for the ungettable girl right?
Using the “Yes Momentum” will help you to convince your ex-boyfriend that he shouldn’t blame you for the breakup!…. Isn’t that fantastic?
It works by getting your ex-boyfriend to say yes to a series of smaller questions and when he does this it sets him up mentally so he is automatically more likely to say yes to bigger more important questions.
Before you begin using the Yes Momentum, I want you to take some time to come up with a vision of what your perfect relationship might look like.
Try making a vision board or something like that, you should think about all the great things your perfect relationship might have… kids, holidays in the sun, great friendships, a house in the country, basically anything you want in life.
Afterwards I want you to think about the reasons you broke up, not just the reasons he told you but the reasons you feel in your gut too. Once you have done that think of ways to prove him wrong or ways to show how things are different now because of all the changes you are making in your life, then go and add these to your vision board as well.
Each time your ex texts you to blame you for the breakup he will probably give you a reason why the breakup is your fault. It will of course be painful to read those messages but they will include really useful information about how you can change his mind.
The first thing you should do is avoid replying straight away and use the Silent Sulker and Angry Bear response methods we talked about earlier.
Then I want you to refer to your vision board and use your ideas to post evidence of how the situation is different on social media and tell some mutual friends.
Example
Your ex sends you an angry text blaming you for the breakup because you were boring.
You post on Facebook about a new exciting holiday you are going on.
Example 2
Your ex blames you because you were always negative about his achievements.
You post congratulatory messages to your friends for getting a promotion or finishing school.
Example 3
Your ex blames you for the breakup because you were an alcoholic
You post that you are celebrating being dry for 6 weeks.
The key to the technique is avoid answering his objections directly, what you need to do is post something similar where he can draw comparisons and come to his own conclusions.
Handling each of his small reasons for the breakup is a way of getting a small yes.
Getting him to agree to getting back together is a big question and requires a big yes.
Using the examples above, the Yes Momentum would work like this:-
Small Yes
I thought she was boring, now she goes out….. Would she be fun to be around?- YES
I thought she was negative, but she seems really kind…. Could she be nice to me?- YES
I thought she was an alcoholic, but she’s getting help….Should I trust her?- YES
Big Yes
I thought it was her fault, but none of my reasons seem valid….. Should I stop blaming her?- YES
I thought I couldn’t date her, but it doesn’t make sense…. Should I date her?- YES
When you build up a series of little yeses in your exes mind he is going to start convincing himself that the answer to the big unspoken question …”should we get back together”, is yes!
I told you this technique was pretty ninja!
Now some of you might not be friends with your exes on social media, if this is the case I want you to post to social media anyway and then tell mutual friends about all the cool stuff you have been up to. If you are not friends with your ex on social media I want you to talk about the things on your vision board in your texts to your ex-boyfriend after the no-contact period is over.
When texting your ex, make sure everything you send him is positive. You will need to read and re-read all your texts before you send them to ensure that there is nothing in there that could give him a reason to blame you even more for the breakup.
Be prepared for some angry or neutral responses from your ex at first, this is completely normal; you will have to patient, it will take time to change how he feels.
Each time he responds in anger go back into a mini no contact period and come back out with a First Contact text message.
If he responds neutrally then you should progress with the normal Ex-Boyfriend Recovery texting program according to neutral replies.
Over time your will see your ex-boyfriend becoming less and less angry and more willing to talk to you.
Isn’t that the most stealthy technique of persuading him to stop blaming you for the breakup and want to get back together?
By using the Yes Momentum you can convince him without ever having an argument and he will think it was all his idea that the breakup wasn’t your fault.
That pretty much covers all you need to know about how you can get an ex back that blames you for the breakup.
We have covered so much information that I recommend you go back and read the article a couple of times until it fully sinks in.
You will see that when you start to tie all the elements together by identifying if you were at fault, giving an apology, handling your ex’s angry behavior and using the Yes Momentum to persuade your ex to stop blaming you for the breakup that you have the best strategy available to start winning your ex-boyfriend back!
Anastasia
January 2, 2021 at 4:57 pm
Hi me an my boyfriend is difficult on me cause he doesn’t say whether it’s over or wat he keeps on saying I broke his heart by disrespecting him, not trusting him an also wit my insecurities. He always say I don’t lesson to him and cause I can’t why can’t I look for someone I can lesson to. I have apologized too many but still he is blaming me… And I askd him when is going to meet me he says he don’t know cause I keep on breaking him. And he doesn’t know if I have changed. So please I don’t knw what to do.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 4, 2021 at 9:33 pm
Hi Anastasia, you need to work on yourself esteem and insecurities. If he is in a relationship with you then you need to accept that he is choosing to be with you and he has no reason to cheat/lie to you. If he does choose to do such things then you end the relationship as you do not want to be with someone who would treat you that way. You work on yourself, read the articles about being ungettable and make sure that you do not chase or reach out to your ex in these ways, only speak to him in positive ways and make sure that you are not chasing him to speak with him. Let him reach out to you a few times too to show that you are not as needy as you have been.
Evangelina
April 19, 2019 at 4:45 pm
Hi, me and my ex have been in a complicated relationship since almost 15 months. We have been fighting since past 4 months where we said some really nasty things to each other. He got into another relationship with his ex which led to few more fights wherein I asked him to choose between her and me. I tried NC a couple of time for approx 20 days each and tried 2 weeks after each period to try and convince him. Towards the end we fought more after which I totally gave up. But I had hope that I can still get him back. In meantime he blocked me totally except on phone. I called him up 2 weeks later to help him as friend as he has lot of complications going on in his life. He angrily said he doesn’t have any place for me in his life not even as a friend. How should I get him back?
Tanya
March 8, 2019 at 1:49 pm
I wrote a long angry letter after the breakup , he replied in a text blaming me . I haven’t replied .. the breakup was because of his drinking and being verbally abusive .. I am hurting , but he feels like he doesn’t have a problem it’s been a week ..why is he blaming it all on me ? When he has the drinking problem?
Chris Seiter
March 8, 2019 at 10:45 pm
Hi Tanya…so I hope that long letter helped you get some things off your chest. Its easy for others to blame someone else as they would rather not think they could be at fault, particularly when they drink too much. Perhaps time for you to adopt NC. Go pick up my epic long eBook, “PRO” as it can cover all of this in far more detail than I could ever do so here.
Chris Seiter
March 8, 2019 at 10:45 pm
Hi Tanya…so I hope that long letter helped you get some things off your chest. Its easy for others to blame someone else as they would rather not think they could be at fault, particularly when they drink too much. Perhaps time for you to adopt NC. Go pick up my epic long eBook, “PRO” as it can cover all of this in far more detail than I could ever do so here.
Shine
March 5, 2019 at 7:33 am
Hi! This page is so cool! My ex boyfriend and I broke up 14 days ago. Before the break up, he was blaming me that it was all my fault. Since I was the one who ended our relationship, then he will just accept it. Blaming me that I cheated on him and he was so tired with very small things we fight again and again. He was shocked that I broke up with him because of a very small problem. Ofcourse I already ask an apology. Yesterday he told me that he needs space and time to think. That he is still thinking of me and he is trying to move on from our break up. Yet when I checked his account in facebook, I notice that he is starting to flirt to one of his coworkers. I didn’t responded to his text sent to me yesterday. What should I do? Does No contact rule applicable? Do I still have a chance to get my ex back?
Chris Seiter
March 5, 2019 at 10:56 pm
HI Shine! Yes, I do think you should be faithful to NC, for your own sake. A big part of it has to deal with healing your torn emotions and focusing on being the best “you”. I have a ton of information about all this in my 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO)
Katie
December 10, 2018 at 1:53 am
Hello! I have already bought multiple products of yours. When we had our big fight, he blamed me for all the problems in our relationship. I have been doing no contact for almost 3 weeks now. I have been posting a lot of “ungettable girl” things on social media. His main criticisms about me were that he thought I was not invested enough in the relationship, did not share enough with him, and was too busy to spend time with him. How do I use social media (or text messaging, when I break no contact next week) to make the “yes momentum” happen, so he does not continue to blame me?
Chris Seiter
December 10, 2018 at 4:18 am
Hi Katie! Some guys are that way…they don’t want to take personal responsibility for their contributions to the issues within the relationship. For now, don’t worry too much about whether he wants to continue to blame or if he is still tied up in resentment or whatever. If he is, that’s on him. The idea is that with some time and space, if he is mature enough and honest enough, he will learn to set aside a lot of the petty blame making. What matters more is if and when you start connecting up again, whether the two of you are able to have constructive and honest discussions about the expectations of the relationship around thos issues of spending more time together and coming up with an Action plan to accomplish both of your needs.
Mishti
November 17, 2017 at 1:59 am
My ex and I had been together for 6 years and then he dumped via telephone hours after we met up for a weekend together claiming he’d “fallen out of love” and was “emotionally disconnected”.
We met at work and I was hesitant at first. He came on very strong and it was a rollercoaster ride. I moved in after a year. We lived together for 3 years and he then had to move. For the first 2 years or so, I was not keen on getting married or the like. I wasn’t sure about him or us. We knew he would have to move when he did because of career paths. During those first two years, he would always talk about getting married, having children, and he had explicitly mentioned his desire to be engaged, particularly before he moved. When we reached this point in time, when, truth be told, I was nervously anxious, he told me that he felt this timing was arbitrary, his finances were not in order, and asked me to wait. I was impatient and this was a source of contention for us, but I asked why not, and he clearly stated what his intentions were, which included marriage and what not, just not right now. I was not thrilled but I loved him so I stuck around. During this time we were in long distance we almost broke up a few times because I doubted his intentions and did not know if our future plans were truly compatible. When I asked him he always gave me the “right” answer. Once I asked him why he was so afraid to commit if he really intended on marrying me and he told me he didn’t know why. I asked him to talk to someone about it and figure it out. He never did. He instead told me the next time we talked about our relationship that he was looking at rings.
2 years of long-distance later he moved again back to his hometown. Now I was at a point in my career when I would be looking for a job. When he moved this time he had mentioned that there were jobs available there for me and even mentioned me to the job recruiter at his workplace. He recently bought a house there which was a bit annoying since, how could he afford a house and not a ring? But he repeatedly told me it was “our” house and told me about the career opportunities that awaited me. I visited him there and he had bought us matching bikes to ride around town. It was very cute.
About a month ago he drove down and stayed at our old place. We went out and spent the whole weekend together. We laughed and talked and made love and he repeatedly told me he loved me and it was wonderful. I brought up the recruiter again and he texted me the information so it would be on my phone. He drove back to his house. I even called him to make sure he made it home OK. Then several hours later he called me, I thought to say good night, and instead said, “I don’t think I have the passion for this relationship that you deserve. ” When I asked, dumbfounded, whether this was a break or a breakup, he answered that he did not know and then started crying. I then asked him if I should send my CV to the local recruiter and he said “Probably not.” I was of course heartbroken and devastated. I told him he was a coward and disappointing for not being able to do this in person. Then I stopped talking to him.
2 days later he texted me an apology. “But you are my best friend and we have invested so much time in this relationship, I don’t want to lose all of it.” I told him it was too much to stomach and said I couldn’t talk about it right then. We have a joint lease/parking garage card so I hammered out the details of that so it would be entirely in my name and then stopped communicating after I had initiated this through the lease office.
About 2 weeks after that he texted me again to ask me how I was; it really set me back when he did that and initially I didn’t want to text him at all. But I also didn’t want to exude anger or hurt him, so I texted him that I needed time and space to move forward and deleted his contact information from my phone. He can still text me, I just can’t call or text him that easily.
I’ve been trying to get out but I am quite heartbroken and depressed by it. Did I have some doubts about him and this relationship? Yes. But I also truly loved him. And 6 years is a long time. We are both in our mid-30s now, this is not a high school romance. Not to mention, I would’ve started my job search earlier if I had known! Being that we are in the same field and he knows about this, I find his reluctance to tell me earlier about his reluctance to be the sign of a very selfish and inconsiderate person. But we talked every morning, every afternoon, every night. And now that he isn’t a part of my life anymore, I find it truly empty.
I know I responded in anger when he broke up, but his way of breaking up with me was just cruel. I don’t know what I am to apologize for and I don’t know how long my NC period should be. I’m not over him and I haven’t gotten to a “good” place yet with myself. I think, given the depth of the relationship and my feelings for him, and the timing and methods of his breakup, I need more than 30 days to move forward to be a better person. I don’t know if I want him back because the cognitive dissonance that he created is truly unbearable; if he truly felt disconnected from me, it’s been going on for a while and he’s allowed himself to drift away from me and his perception of me has been changing slowly but surely all during that time. I was not given the same time to grow apart; all of sudden, the man I trusted and loved, feels like a stranger who knows all my deepest darkest secrets, desires, and fears, and 6 years of time together is now clouded by doubt. I’m being melodramatic but I also believe it.
Should I apologize and for what?
I’ve read the guide. Trust me. I’m just having trouble moving on so I can focus on the whole “health” “wealth” and “relationships.” I am working on it through.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2017 at 2:42 am
Hi Mishti,
Get a personal counselor and keep in mind that moving on doesn’t mean easing the pain. It means keeping on improving yourself while it still hurts.
Becky
November 11, 2017 at 2:42 pm
So, my ex is angry with me because I have serious mental health issues that caused the end of our relationship. I have been in NC for about 2 weeks and he sent me a message asking about my mental health and how I’m doing. I am now on medication and I’m improving a lot. Although he isn’t outright blaming me, should I reply and apologise for my behaviour/explain that I’m handling it before returning to NC? Or should I leave it? It has been a day since he messaged and he hasn’t asked anything else
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2017 at 1:18 am
Hi Becky,
leave it be.. how active are you in posting in social media?
Kristina
October 15, 2017 at 2:39 pm
Hi. Dated my guy for almost 2 years. Only fought 6 times. The last 3 this month. We had decided to try counseling to work on dealing with stress instead of snapping at each other. He sent me texts about how much he loved me and was in it for the long haul etc. the next day after that text, he left me a note at our house saying he couldn’t “act” anymore and he hadn’t been in love with me for months. I convinced him to meet me 5 days later but he didn’t want to he sad he felt bad and came for my feelings. The reasons he gave we’re past resentment he was holding against me that he never told me about. He said I wasn’t being your partner and you don’t deserve that. He also said we didn’t “mesh” on things anymore. I tried explaining that counseling would help but he didn’t want us to “change who we are”. I also said the recent fights were both of us not dealing with stress well and it would’ve helped. Is this a situation where I should apologize for being snappy? Or consider it a no apology situation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 15, 2017 at 8:23 pm
Hi Kristina,
Nope, don’t apologize about those..
Sierra
June 27, 2017 at 2:53 am
I totally just keep making it worst for myself. So I may have been a text gnat and I apologized and I’m going to wait 3 weeks and my ex is a silent sulker but I am focusing on myself I’m losing weight and starting my own blog I guess I’m just trying to get some advice on what to do next he hasn’t responded to me yet but I’m not upset I’m just like this dude is so immature
Sierra
June 30, 2017 at 11:35 pm
Ok I haven’t tried reaching out since last Monday so I’m on day 4 of NC but it’s just I thought that because he unblocked me that meant he was ready to talk it out or something. My ex boyfriend is very guarded he doesn’t communicate very well and it’s always a struggle in the beginning to get him to open up I guess I was wrong idk why he unblocked me
Sierra
June 30, 2017 at 11:30 pm
Ok I just thought that since he unblocked me he was ready to at least talk my ex is very guarded and its really hard to get him to express how he feels even in a relationship I guess I was wrong idk why he unblocked me
Sierra
June 30, 2017 at 3:59 pm
Oh even if he doesn’t respond back? Doesn’t that make me look desperate if I am constantly messaging him and he doesn’t respond?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 5:08 pm
If he doesn’t respond after 3 attempts within 3 weeks you have to move on
Sierra
June 29, 2017 at 9:38 pm
Ok so just give it 3 weeks and give him time?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 1:29 pm
Nope.. You can talk to him maybe just after 3 days
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 29, 2017 at 5:28 pm
You cant always use nc.. It will not help you anymore if you kept doing it.. You just have to stick to word and not gnat anymore
sara
June 25, 2017 at 8:53 am
Hi
my situation is complicated my ex of 1 and half year work togethwr nd this is our 3 breakup
-he intiated first time and we were back together after 3 weeks but he was very jealous and wanted to check on my cell phone and didn’t like my clothes he says it is too tight and i let him interfer in both which made him more controlling so i initiated the second time and we didn’t talk for a month then sinxe we are colleagues eventually we started talking and he told he started seeing therapist for his controlling issues and insecurity.
-I clearly stated that i wanted this time to be different so we won’t end up breaking up again means that he has to trust me regarding my phone and the way I dress it only concerns me … he didn’t like what i said but stayed he will respect my will but my desicion will affect badly on our relationship.
– month after he became distant stopped asking or caring for almost 2 weeks dead silent… I knew he was stressing me to step back from my desicion.
-when i didn’t react he started talkinh to me at work asking if i am ok and if i am seeing someone els and we sat down and talked. I explained that i didn’t like being treated as old chair whenever he is not ok with my desicion he would just leave .
– he tried to give me lam reasons about why he didn’t contact me and at the end he said he wanted me to know how much was he upset
– things got clear and said he missed me and we even kissed. The next day at work he grabbed my cell phone and teied to unlock it .. so i became upset and left, he called me saying that there was nothing should be upset of and blamed me for nothing and ended the call next five minutes i find a text saying that he can’t be with me anymore.
– I wasn’t so emotional about it and never griefed or asked for explaination or called it has been 2 weeks.
– my questions 1- can there ever be a chance after 3 breakup assuming the issues between us resolved ( i know it is not easy ones)?
2- his reaction to this breakup is serious he used to check up my fb account, find him checking on me wherever i go in the work premises. Now he deactivated his fb account and not looking for me like he used to and treating me like a colleague and no signs he still cares.. does he seriously moving on?
3-will no contact rule makr any difference it has been 2 weeks and is it better to maintain NC for 45 days this time?
NB: we are from arab country and of different religion. Sorry for taking too long
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 29, 2017 at 5:59 am
The nc cannot change the attitude of another person.. It’s good that you have standards and if he doesn’t change, even if he knows your standards, move on
Asianna
June 19, 2017 at 4:27 pm
Hi. I’m dealing with a tough situation right now regarding the no contact rule. My long distant ex and I had used it when I was in a relationship with the guy I cheated on him with. I had no time to recover and wasn’t thinking. The relationship had been emotionally abusive and ended 9 months later. My ex, who is my best friend have a long history together. He had talked to me for a while until he blew up at me. I had been blinded by myself not realizing I had spoken of the chance of us to date again it poked at him in bad ways. And I really do regret and am sorry for it. He said he thinks I won’t change because of what’s happened, it’s my fault for him being the way he is, he didn’t care about me anymore and had only talked to me because he wanted to see me suffer like he had when we broke up. It’s been almost a week and the only communication he has prevented me from is by phone. I’m not blocked on a gaming site we are friends on or on Skype. And in 2 weeks I’m supposed to be visiting my friends and hopefully him. Will the no contact rule work for this? I’m worried because I’m afraid he meant what he said and that’s not the friend I known to say such hurtful things. I have been improving by getting things ready and prepared for college and finding a job and making friends… what can I do in this situation??
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 22, 2017 at 2:53 pm
What do you mean that you and him already did it before? He reall knows nc or you just didn’t talk?
Vivian
June 13, 2017 at 4:37 pm
Hi?
Didn’t get a reply
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2017 at 5:34 pm
you need to move on because you cant force or make other people change or wait for them to change
Samira
June 9, 2017 at 7:04 am
Hi’?
I’m dealing with a really angry ex boyfriend. It’s been 10 months since the break up but it’s like he is still angry. I cheated on him with his friend and nothing has ever been the same.
I managed to do no contact last month and after i initiated contact.. He was still angry. I had approached him about an issue and we talked about it and he told me that all that time he was never going to give me a chance because i cheated on him and he will never even give me a chance. He also said that he was amazed that i didn’t contact him for a month and he is happy for my next boyfriend. The conversation didn’t really go well because he said really hurtful things to me. He even told me that i used him when i cheated on him and he never used me even though i did (we’ve hooked up many times and he felt like that’s not using me yet he had no intentions of ever committing to me… He told me if he was using me.. He would have a girlfriend already..is that not using someone? )..he also said that the moment he gets a girlfriend he will tell me about it. The following day the story changed and he said that he has a girlfriend. It kills me though and now i feel i have no great chance with him. He blames me for what i did and every time i initiate contact he is a bit distant and angry.. He replies though but he is angry and whenever he feels like it’s becoming an issue.. He doesn’t reply at all.. He still tells me i have issues and I’m a psycho.. He still thinks I’m not changed.
So after that i didn’t initiate contact with him again because it’s as if it was getting worse. He then texted me after one week and i replied to him. Everything went well but then the second day after i initiated contact we had a good conversation until when he reached a point and asked me what I wanted..I replied asking him what he meant by that ..he then said he knows I’m about to start issues and ask him why he was using me.. I told him I’m only being friendly and that’s not what i wanted. He then said that I should remember what he told me.. Then i told him to kindly remind me what he said and he said no.. He won’t repeat himself.. I then said okay so i called him later and he was like not in the moods to talk to me and he just rubbed the fact that he has a girl friend on my face. I don’t know why he does that but then i said I’m happy for him…i don’t understand him though because i thought he wanted to be friends when he initiated contact after a week then he just wants to remind me of how he has a girl.
Later on during the day i wrote him a long text and I told him I’m still in love with him and yes I’m jealous about his new girl but i wish him the best… He didn’t reply
I then wrote to him again saying that I need space because i can never stop loving him and that he should delete today’s conversation and he replied saying okay.. He’ll delete the conversations.. I didn’t talk to him again
But he is what Chris is saying.. The silent sulker.. So how do i make him stop being mad at me every time because i still love him? I understand that guide and I wish i learnt about it before..that i should be positive but how do i just fix things again when i have made a mistake already? Should i wait for more weeks or? Please help me know how to fix my situation.. I make mistakes every time..
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2017 at 5:35 pm
you need to move on because you cant force or make other people change or wait for them to change