I was asked an interesting question on the support group recently, it’s something that I think a lot of you will be wondering…..
“How do I get my ex back when he blames me for everything?”
It was a really good question and it deserved a really good answer so I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I’ve worked hard this week on refining the approach to getting your ex back in this scenario and I am really excited to share it with you!
Now, how you go about getting your ex back when they blame you for the breakup varies slightly depending on your situation so in this article we are going to cover four areas:-
- Is the breakup really your fault?
- Should you apologize?
- How to handle an angry ex-boyfriend
- How to persuade your ex-boyfriend it’s not your fault
Lets Dive In
I think it’s fair to say that most breakups make both people feel pretty rotten right?
Nobody enjoys being dumped and no-one really enjoys hurting someone they love either….
I thought about this for a while and there are two main reasons a person might blame you after a breakup, firstly they are disappointed or secondly they feel guilty.
An ex-boyfriend might feel disappointed if they feel you let them down when something like cheating happened; alternatively an ex might feel guilty that they hurt your feelings during the breakup.
Dumping you can leave your ex-boyfriend feeling guilty for a long time afterwards especially if they can see you are suffering with the news.
So what might an ex-boyfriend do to make himself feel better after he breaks-up with you?….
He will convince himself that you were was so badly behaved that he was forced to breakup with you, this means that he can feel like the victim!
That’s crazy behavior right??!
But it makes sense when you think about it…..because victims don’t have to feel guilty or accept any blame for their own faults either, it means they can have a clear conscience!
Even the most down to Earth guy can have this kind of a reaction to a breakup, in fact it is really common because nice guys are even more likely to feel guilty for hurting your feelings
Is The Breakup Really Your Fault?
I’m going to make the assumption that you are all reading this article as your ex-boyfriend broke up with you, clearly if you broke up with him then the breakup is your fault.
There are three straightforward questions you can ask yourself to establish if the breakup was your fault
Were you abusive?
Were you violent or controlling towards your ex, if you were then the breakup was your fault. This is going to take the longest time period to winning your ex back as it’s going to take a while to prove you have changed your behavior.
Did you cheat?
If you cheated on your ex-boyfriend whilst you were together then I probably don’t need to tell you that the breakup was your fault. This may also take a long time to win your ex back. You will have to demonstrate to your ex that you are sorry and that you are trustworthy before he will stop blaming you and consider getting back together.
Did you have any major life issues like gambling, addictions or depression that caused a strain on your relationship?
If you had some of these problems then it’s at least partly your fault the breakup occurred. This issue is a medium time period to fix. I think most exes would be willing to consider getting back together if they can see you are getting some help and on the path to recovery.
Did you have a general breakup?
If you just had a general breakup then it is fair to assume that the breakup wasn’t your fault and your ex is blaming you because they feel guilty. This is the easiest of the four scenarios to get your ex back from as the breakup was no-ones fault.
Whether you need to apologize really depends on whether you were to blame for the breakup.
If you cheated or were abusive then you will need to make a big apology and build up some trust with your ex and this is going to take a long time to fix.
If you had life issues and were struggling with some inner demons of your own, then you are going to have to accept some blame in the breakup. This is a medium apology and will take a medium amount of time to fix.
If you had a general breakup, then you make no apology for your behavior and can reasonably hope for a short timescale to fix.
Some of you are probably wondering why are you going to apologize?…
Well if your ex was right in blaming you for the breakup, then ignoring his reasons will just make him even more angry. The best thing you can do is apologize once and acknowledge your wrong doing.
Now I want you to apologize and make it as sincere as you can because you are only going to apologize one time. If you apologize many times it is going to seem desperate and the Ungettable Girl is never desperate.
So I know what you are thinking, I had a general breakup and it wasn’t my fault, shouldn’t I just apologize to stop my ex being so angry as well?….
No way! Apologizing is admitting guilt and unless you are the cause of the breakup you don’t want to do that. If you apologize you will confirm in his mind that his reasons to breakup with you were valid and the breakup was your fault. If you do this you will make it more difficult to get your ex-boyfriend to take you back.
Think of it like going to court, if you get caught doing a crime then you might get a lighter sentence if you apologize and plead guilty, but you wouldn’t plead guilty if you are innocent because you would automatically go to prison. The same applies with your ex-boyfriend and your breakup.
When Should I Send The Apology
If your ex texts you during the no contact period and blames you for the breakup you should respond with an apology BEFORE your no contact is over; take 24 hours to draft your apology and send it the next day.
Applying immediately will lead to another fight and that’s not going to help win your ex back. Your ex-boyfriend will probably try to pick a fight with you after you apologize and I recommend that you back away from all conversation and go back into your no-contact period.
After you finish your no-contact period you should start texting as per the normal Ex-Boyfriend Recovery texting plan.
If you have not heard from your ex during the no-contact period but he either ignores three of your initial texts in a row or replies angrily to your texts and the breakup was your fault then you will want to reply once with an apology, then go back into no-contact.
Just to re-iterate…. If you had a normal breakup, do not apologize ever!
Now, this begs an interesting question,
What exactly are the apology types?
The big apology: This is where you accept full responsibility for the breakup and express regret.
“I’m sorry I was unfaithful, I know I have hurt your feelings and I am truly sorry for that. I was stupid and there is no excuse for my behavior and the pain I have caused you. I know this can’t be fixed with a mere apology but I offer it anyway and hope you read this knowing how much I regret my actions.”
The medium apology: This is where you accept that you contributed towards the breakup and tell your ex-boyfriend why it won’t happen again.
“I’m sorry I keep losing my way and drinking, I know that it is not right and I don’t want to keep repeating this so I am getting help. I understand I have a problem and that it affects the whole family. I can only imagine how my drinking has made you feel and I am sorry for putting you through that. I hope one day you can forgive me”
No apology: This one is pretty obvious, simply don’t apologize.
If you fall into the no apology category just go straight into the “first contact” text message.
- Avoid using phrases or reasons that justify your behavior.
- Keep your apologies brief, a few lines is enough… do not write a long letter.
- Don’t ask for forgiveness on a big apology, it will look like you are ignoring the scale of the issue.
- Avoid grand gestures like cards or gifts. You cannot buy forgiveness.
Handling the angry ex.
As I mentioned earlier if your ex is blaming you for the breakup it is most likely caused by either disappointment or guilt. There are two types of angry ex, I have named them the Silent Sulker and the Angry Bear, which one your ex is will depend on his personality.
The Silent Sulker
If your ex is a Silent Sulker then his most likely reaction to the breakup will be to blame you whilst ignoring you. You might find out through friends or social media that the breakup is all your fault but he probably won’t tell you directly.
When a Silent Sulker ignores you, it’s a sign of their discontent and it is a way to exercise control over you even after the breakup.
Here’s how ignoring you helps him do that:-
- It’s a way to hurt you without being aggressive.
- It’s an excuse to avoid caring or showing respect.
- He can see that it makes you depressed when he ignores you.
- It feeds his ego when you gnat him to get a response.
Silent Sulker Response Method
If you get ignored, do not become a text gnat just take a step back and wait a week and try again with another text.
If he ignores three texts in a row send the apology and wait 4 weeks for a big apology, 3 weeks for a medium apology or 2 weeks for no apology before restarting texting.
The Angry Bear
If your ex is an Angry Bear then you should be prepared for him to blow up your phone with texts and phone calls blaming you for the breakup. Your ex might say he never wants to see you again or that he hates you or never really liked you in the first place. If this happens I want you to stay calm, your ex is saying this out of anger in an attempt to hurt you.
When an Angry Bear sends you messages, it is going to feel like the most tempting thing in the world to hit reply and confront him but I need you to put your phone away and go out to the gym or have food with your parents…. Basically anything but text him back so you’re going to need some discipline here!!
There’s an excellent reason you should wait to until you are calm before you text….. I heard a great quote about it last month and I want to share it with you…
“Speak when you are angry and make the best speech you’ll ever regret”.
This statement is so true for both you and your ex-boyfriend so remember to restrain your emotions and avoid sending him messages that you regret later on.
Angry Bear Response Method
If your ex starts a fight and you haven’t already apologised, wait until the next day then send your apology. If you have already apologised or didn’t need to apologise then you should text him within the hour saying:-
“I understand you are upset, I will leave you in peace, hope you are doing well”
You will then disappear for 4 weeks if you had a big apology, 3 weeks for a medium or 2 weeks for no apology.
Why Do I Have To Wait So Long Before I Text Again?
There’s an amazing thing called the Kubler-Ross curve, it explains the rollercoaster of emotions people go through when there is a big change in their lives like a breakup.
It’s pretty awesome because it actually helps you predict how your ex is feeling and will be feeling in the future.
The great thing about the Kubler-Ross curve is that everyone goes through it, even you are going through it right now because of your breakup. Look at all the emotions it maps out and see if you can relate them to your own experience during the breakup!
The fantastic news is that the Kubler-Ross curve shows that your ex-boyfriend can’t stay angry forever!
According to the curve your ex-boyfriend is going to stop feeling angry and start thinking that things could be fixed and eventually start feeling depressed and full of regret that you aren’t still together.
So, how long does that take? Well normally people get to the angry stage after about a week and the depression stage at about 3-4 weeks. Of course everyone is different and it depends how long your relationship was but assuming you were seeing each other for more than a few months then I think those are good estimates.
Now using those estimates, you will see that at roughly the same time your ex is going to regret the breakup, you’re going to come out of no contact!! …. I know it is genius, that’s why the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery plan needs you to wait at least 21 days!!
Of course occasionally an ex can stay in the angry stage for longer, if this happens you need to be a bit more patient. If you get to 21 days and your ex-boyfriend is still angry, it’s reasonable to assume that he might need another few weeks before he gets to the stage of regret. Should this happen I want you to keep working on being the Ungettable Girl and send a text message later on in the month.
The reason you need to give him some space is that your ex wants to enjoy sulking and being angry; it’s a lot like a game to him. However when you choose not to argue back or acknowledge his sulking you take the fun out of the game and he will get bored with sulking.
Bingo!…. You win the game quicker by ignoring him!!
So if he is ignoring you remember….. Don’t be a text gnat.
Persuading Your Ex That It’s Not Your Fault
Ok, so now you understand why he is blaming you and that he will not stay angry forever; it’s probably time to talk about how you can convince him it’s not your fault.
Now what you need to do is think like a ninja!….
Because the thing about ninja’s is that you never notice what they are doing until it is too late.
You see you can’t just tell your ex the breakup wasn’t your fault because he’s is just going to resist. What you have to do is show him and let him come to the conclusion himself.
I can guess what you are going to ask me…. “How on Earth can I do that when he hates me??”
I want to tell you about a clever little thing called the “Yes Momentum”…. It comes from NLP, which is a way to activate your unconscious mind to achieve your goals and get results. NLP is used by athletes, psychologists and career people to help get what they want in life, it’s a bit like the Law of Attraction on steroids! If it’s good enough for them, it’s got to be good enough for the ungettable girl right?
Using the “Yes Momentum” will help you to convince your ex-boyfriend that he shouldn’t blame you for the breakup!…. Isn’t that fantastic?
It works by getting your ex-boyfriend to say yes to a series of smaller questions and when he does this it sets him up mentally so he is automatically more likely to say yes to bigger more important questions.
Before you begin using the Yes Momentum, I want you to take some time to come up with a vision of what your perfect relationship might look like.
Try making a vision board or something like that, you should think about all the great things your perfect relationship might have… kids, holidays in the sun, great friendships, a house in the country, basically anything you want in life.
Afterwards I want you to think about the reasons you broke up, not just the reasons he told you but the reasons you feel in your gut too. Once you have done that think of ways to prove him wrong or ways to show how things are different now because of all the changes you are making in your life, then go and add these to your vision board as well.
Each time your ex texts you to blame you for the breakup he will probably give you a reason why the breakup is your fault. It will of course be painful to read those messages but they will include really useful information about how you can change his mind.
The first thing you should do is avoid replying straight away and use the Silent Sulker and Angry Bear response methods we talked about earlier.
Then I want you to refer to your vision board and use your ideas to post evidence of how the situation is different on social media and tell some mutual friends.
Your ex sends you an angry text blaming you for the breakup because you were boring.
You post on Facebook about a new exciting holiday you are going on.
Your ex blames you because you were always negative about his achievements.
You post congratulatory messages to your friends for getting a promotion or finishing school.
Your ex blames you for the breakup because you were an alcoholic
You post that you are celebrating being dry for 6 weeks.
The key to the technique is avoid answering his objections directly, what you need to do is post something similar where he can draw comparisons and come to his own conclusions.
Handling each of his small reasons for the breakup is a way of getting a small yes.
Getting him to agree to getting back together is a big question and requires a big yes.
Using the examples above, the Yes Momentum would work like this:-
I thought she was boring, now she goes out….. Would she be fun to be around?- YES
I thought she was negative, but she seems really kind…. Could she be nice to me?- YES
I thought she was an alcoholic, but she’s getting help….Should I trust her?- YES
I thought it was her fault, but none of my reasons seem valid….. Should I stop blaming her?- YES
I thought I couldn’t date her, but it doesn’t make sense…. Should I date her?- YES
When you build up a series of little yeses in your exes mind he is going to start convincing himself that the answer to the big unspoken question …”should we get back together”, is yes!
I told you this technique was pretty ninja!
Now some of you might not be friends with your exes on social media, if this is the case I want you to post to social media anyway and then tell mutual friends about all the cool stuff you have been up to. If you are not friends with your ex on social media I want you to talk about the things on your vision board in your texts to your ex-boyfriend after the no-contact period is over.
When texting your ex, make sure everything you send him is positive. You will need to read and re-read all your texts before you send them to ensure that there is nothing in there that could give him a reason to blame you even more for the breakup.
Be prepared for some angry or neutral responses from your ex at first, this is completely normal; you will have to patient, it will take time to change how he feels.
Each time he responds in anger go back into a mini no contact period and come back out with a First Contact text message.
If he responds neutrally then you should progress with the normal Ex-Boyfriend Recovery texting program according to neutral replies.
Over time your will see your ex-boyfriend becoming less and less angry and more willing to talk to you.
Isn’t that the most stealthy technique of persuading him to stop blaming you for the breakup and want to get back together?
By using the Yes Momentum you can convince him without ever having an argument and he will think it was all his idea that the breakup wasn’t your fault.
That pretty much covers all you need to know about how you can get an ex back that blames you for the breakup.
We have covered so much information that I recommend you go back and read the article a couple of times until it fully sinks in.
You will see that when you start to tie all the elements together by identifying if you were at fault, giving an apology, handling your ex’s angry behavior and using the Yes Momentum to persuade your ex to stop blaming you for the breakup that you have the best strategy available to start winning your ex-boyfriend back!