Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.
How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because that’s really what we’re here to do.
So today, we’re going to be talking about what it means when an ex actually says that he doesn’t see a future with you. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shauntee, whose ex ironically has just said this exact thing to her.
But before we get started, I do want to let you know, if you’re considering getting your ex back, the first place that you should always start is on our website, to take our ex recovery chances quiz.
It’s a two-minute quiz that is simply designed to answer one question, what kind of chance do you have of getting your ex back?
Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than working to try to get an ex back in a situation that is probably impossible. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of their time.
So, we want to weed these types of situations out immediately, or help you improve the odds of your chances, but in order for you to understand that, you have to go to my website and take the quiz.
So again, just go to Google, type in ex boyfriend recovery.
My website will pop up, and look for the quiz there. There’s only one quiz on the website, and it is the quiz I’m talking about right here in the podcast.
Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what your ex means when he says he doesn’t see a future with me, and I’m going to play a voicemail I got from one of my readers named Shauntee.
The Listeners Question
“Hi Chris, this is Shauntee.
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because he said that he thought our relationship had reached a plateau, and that he really didn’t see a future for us, and that to continue dating me would basically be leading me on at this point.
I’ve read through your website. I didn’t really see an example of a success story from that sort of situation.
So, I’m just wondering, do you think there’s hope there, that someone who doesn’t think that you’re the one, may realize that they made a mistake, I guess?
Like I said, it’s been a week. I haven’t spoken with him. I haven’t tried to contact him. He hasn’t contacted me.
He’s actually not on social media, one of the very few people in the world. So, it’s not like I’m looking at his social media, or anything like that, or he’s not looking at mine because he’s not on it.
I don’t know if there was another woman in the picture or not. So, I guess, like I said, my question is just, do you think there’s any hope for that at this point, for any hope for any reconciliation?
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for having the courage to send me a voicemail, Shauntee.
If you’re listening to this podcast, and are interested in sending me a voicemail, you can actually go to my website, and actually, record a 30-90 second voicemail for me.
Sometimes, I pick the best ones, or the ones that fit the criteria that I’m looking for, and I will answer your question on-air.
He Doesn’t See A Future Together
So today, let’s do a quick recap of Shauntee’s situation.
It looks like her ex broke up with her about a week ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and says he doesn’t see a future together, says dating her would be like leading her on.
Now, Shauntee is obviously very discouraged by this. She’s wondering if there’s still hope. Will he realize that he made a mistake? And interestingly enough, her ex doesn’t have any social media.
So, when I look at your situation as a whole, Shauntee, there are two things that really stick out to me.
Number one is, what the heck is going on in his head when he actually says he doesn’t see a future with me?
I’m sure a lot of people listening to this are wondering that as well.
There’s nothing like having a man actually tell you what’s going on in another man’s head, and that’s what I’m going to spend some time doing today.
But on top of that, I’m also going to spend some time helping everyone listening, and you Shauntee, understand how men make their commitment decisions.
Because I think, interestingly in this case, the two are kind of linked.
So, part one of this podcast will be dedicated to figuring out what’s going on in his head when he says this.
Part two is going to be helping you understand how men make their commitment decisions.
So, let’s get right to it
Part one, what is going on in his head when he says he doesn’t see a future with you?
All right, so first off, the first thing you need to understand is, does he believe what he’s saying?
I would say yes, he does, right now. In this moment, he’s broken up with you, it’s still very fresh, he does believe that he doesn’t see a future together with you.
Every man who breaks up with a woman, citing this, will believe that at the time, but interestingly enough, the one agent in life that you can count on is change. Feelings change, circumstances change.
In many cases, anyone who says, “Yeah, he does not believe this,” they’re lying to you.
Absolutely, he believes that he doesn’t see a future together with you. Why else would he break up with you?
But what you are counting on, and it’s what I’ve seen happen in countless situations, is that change can occur, and he can change his mind.
Now, let’s distil down a little deeper, and try to understand the actual process going on in his head. Why is he getting this thought?
Well, in my opinion, I think he thinks that there’s a better alternative out there for him.
The thing you need to understand about men is, often when we’re making commitment decisions, we’re doing it based on a cost and benefit scenario.
In other words, we’re looking for an opportunity that’s going to provide the most benefits and minimize the most costs.
So, he’s in the relationship with you, and he’s enjoying his time potentially, because he thinks,
“I’m getting a lot of benefit out of this relationship and it’s not costing me much. My feelings are still into this,” but somewhere along the way, there was a catalyst, a catalyst for change.
This is actually a technique that I use with my coaching clients, because what I find is, that a lot of the women who I coach, and also who Coach Anna coaches, will be a little blind to the real reason that caused the breakup.
There’s always a catalyst, there’s always a turning point. Sometimes it’s not one singular moment, it’s a combination of many singular moments.
But it’s important for you to be aware of what that catalyst is, that catalyst that turns things for the worst, that makes him think,
“You know what? This is costing me too much. There are not enough benefits. The benefits don’t out weigh the cost anymore.”
So, it’s important to think back. In most cases it can be something as simple as a comment like, “Oh yeah.”
My wife and I, interestingly … I’ll give you a really inline idea of this process at work. My wife and I often will watch The Bachelor, or recently we’ve been kind of getting a kick … at least I get a kick out of it … this idea of The Bachelor in Paradise, where essentially they get all these couples together on a beach, and you can only advance at the competition as long as you’re in a couple.
There happened to be a woman and a guy who were really hitting it off. It looked like she liked him and he liked her, and then she made some comment.
Now, the interesting thing, the trademark you need to understand here, is with The Bachelor in Paradise, they’re often introducing new people into the equation, and the new person has the opportunity to take someone out on a date.
It just so happened that the men had the power, which means the men have these roses.
I know this sounds like a ridiculous show, but the men have these roses, and they are allowed to give it to the women of their choice, to advance in the competition.
Of course, the couples that were already together don’t necessarily stay together, because there’s always new women coming in, that are going to ask the men on dates.
There was one couple that seemed really strong, and what ended up happening was, the woman felt a little insecure about the facts that there’s another girl that’s going to come in, that could potentially ask her man on a date.
She got so insecure, she decided to test him. Her test was, “Hey, if you get asked out on a date, I want you to do what’s best for you. I want you to go on the date.”
Now, the man was really into the girl, but this kind of took him aback, because he was looking for an actual commitment out of the person he was with, and it made him feel like the girl he was with wasn’t as committed because she was doing this test.
And so of course, the girl, the new blood, comes and asks him on a date, and he takes it. Of course, the girl who gave him the test is in tears.
This is all because the new alternative came in and he felt, you know what?
Maybe there is a better alternative out there for him. This caused the catalyst for this dissension, this break up, so to speak.
It can be something as simple as that, or something as complicated as, for 15 weeks straight you fought every single day.
Those are the kinds of catalysts we’re looking at. Once you have those identified, you can get an idea of the moment he starts looking for alternatives.
Think of it like this. If you look at the pros and cons list of being in a relationship with you, the second the cons start outweighing the pros, the second he starts looking for more alternatives.
Now, does him saying this to you …
Hey, my ex said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does him saying, “You know what? I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t see us being together when we grow old,”
Does that impact your overall chances of success with getting him back? Not really.
I know that’s a weird thing to say, especially after I gave all this evidence saying, “Yes, he does believe what he’s saying in the moment. Yes, he’s thinking there are better alternatives out there,” but here’s the trick.
Thinking there are better alternatives out there aren’t the same as there actually being better alternatives out there.
And if you listen to what I’m about to say, if you take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions, you can actually turn this in your favor, because the agent of change will occur. He can change how he’s feeling.
You’re a week out from your breakup, Shauntee. The emotions you’re having, and he’s having, are at the highest state.
So, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when people are in highly emotional states and tell you something, they’re doing it as an impulse reaction.
That impulse might not be the same a year from now, six months from now, three months from now.
So, let’s take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions. Because your ex, right now, is looking for a new type of commitment.
Four Major Factors
In my opinion there are four major factors that you need to take into account:
- Fear of loss
Let’s talk a little bit about each one of these.
How satisfied is your ex in the relationship he’s in currently?
We just spent a whole bunch of time talking about this, but alternatives.
Is there someone else out there who can meet his needs better?
Remember, when I view alternatives, or when your ex is viewing alternatives, he’s looking at a pros and cons lists.
He’s looking to see, “You know what? This girl has more pros than cons, than the current relationship I’m in, or the current relationship I was just in.”
How much money, and time, and emotional energy has he spent invested into the relationship?
This is a really undervalued factor, and I’d argue it’s one of the most important, if not the most important factor to commitment decisions, investment.
What we found is, as long as an ex has invested a lot of time, energy, emotional energy, resources into a relationship, even if that relationship is starting to become unsatisfying, even if the alternatives are ripe, he can still stay in the relationship because he feels like it’s a waste of his time.
There’s nothing people like less than wasting their time, even if we spend all day wasting our time.
And then finally,
Fear of Loss
Oftentimes to me, this is the agent that gets the action of commitment in play.
It’s not enough just to be satisfying. It’s not enough to be the best alternative. It’s not enough to get his investment sometimes, or get his time invested into you.
Sometimes, we find that when we teach our clients about this process, and they actually work to try to get a commitment from their ex, they do a great job of getting satisfaction, alternatives, investment.
It’s not enough to push him over the edge. It’s not until he feels like he’s about to lose you forever, that he will take action.
So, what does this mean?
Well, when you look at understanding how men make commitment decisions, it gives you the game plan going forward, especially with an ex who says he doesn’t see a future with you.
So, an ex who says that, is essentially talking almost about investment.
He’s not willing to invest enough time into the relationship because he doesn’t think it will pan out, because either it’s become unsatisfying, but my guess is, he thinks there’s a better alternative out there.
What are breakups, if not an admission that, “You know what? I think I can do better than you.”
It’s your job, your mantra, to live your life in a way that he feels like he’s going to miss out on the alternative of being with you.
It’s your job to live your life in a way, and romanticize the past for him, so that when he does start meeting other alternatives, other women, he’s comparing them to the bar that you set, and the bar that you set is so high.
That is how you get a man to commit to you.