Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.  

How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because that’s really what we’re here to do. 

So today, we’re going to be talking about what it means when an ex actually says that he doesn’t see a future with you. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shauntee, whose ex ironically has just said this exact thing to her. 

But before we get started, I do want to let you know, if you’re considering getting your ex back, the first place that you should always start is on our website, to take our ex recovery chances quiz.  

It’s a two-minute quiz that is simply designed to answer one question, what kind of chance do you have of getting your ex back? 

Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than working to try to get an ex back in a situation that is probably impossible. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of their time.  

So, we want to weed these types of situations out immediately, or help you improve the odds of your chances, but in order for you to understand that, you have to go to my website and take the quiz.  

So again, just go to Google, type in ex boyfriend recovery.  

My website will pop up, and look for the quiz there. There’s only one quiz on the website, and it is the quiz I’m talking about right here in the podcast. 

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz
 

Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what your ex means when he says he doesn’t see a future with me, and I’m going to play a voicemail I got from one of my readers named Shauntee. 

The Listeners Question

“Hi Chris, this is Shauntee 

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because he said that he thought our relationship had reached a plateau, and that he really didn’t see a future for us, and that to continue dating me would basically be leading me on at this point. 

I’ve read through your website. I didn’t really see an example of a success story from that sort of situation.  

So, I’m just wondering, do you think there’s hope there, that someone who doesn’t think that you’re the one, may realize that they made a mistake, I guess?  

Like I said, it’s been a week. I haven’t spoken with him. I haven’t tried to contact him. He hasn’t contacted me. 

He’s actually not on social media, one of the very few people in the world. So, it’s not like I’m looking at his social media, or anything like that, or he’s not looking at mine because he’s not on it.  

I don’t know if there was another woman in the picture or not. So, I guess, like I said, my question is just, do you think there’s any hope for that at this point, for any hope for any reconciliation?  

Thank you.” 

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for having the courage to send me a voicemail, Shauntee 

If you’re listening to this podcast, and are interested in sending me a voicemail, you can actually go to my website, and actually, record a 30-90 second voicemail for me.  

Sometimes, I pick the best ones, or the ones that fit the criteria that I’m looking for, and I will answer your question on-air. 

He Doesn’t See A Future Together 

So today, let’s do a quick recap of Shauntee’s situation.  

It looks like her ex broke up with her about a week ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and says he doesn’t see a future together, says dating her would be like leading her on.  

Now, Shauntee is obviously very discouraged by this. She’s wondering if there’s still hope. Will he realize that he made a mistake? And interestingly enough, her ex doesn’t have any social media. 

So, when I look at your situation as a whole, Shauntee, there are two things that really stick out to me.  

Number one is, what the heck is going on in his head when he actually says he doesn’t see a future with me?  

I’m sure a lot of people listening to this are wondering that as well.

There’s nothing like having a man actually tell you what’s going on in another man’s head, and that’s what I’m going to spend some time doing today. 

But on top of that, I’m also going to spend some time helping everyone listening, and you Shauntee, understand how men make their commitment decisions.

Because I think, interestingly in this case, the two are kind of linked.  

So, part one of this podcast will be dedicated to figuring out what’s going on in his head when he says this.  

Part two is going to be helping you understand how men make their commitment decisions. 

So, let’s get right to it

Part one, what is going on in his head when he says he doesn’t see a future with you?  

All right, so first off, the first thing you need to understand is, does he believe what he’s saying?  

I would say yes, he does, right now. In this moment, he’s broken up with you, it’s still very fresh, he does believe that he doesn’t see a future together with you. 

Every man who breaks up with a woman, citing this, will believe that at the time, but interestingly enough, the one agent in life that you can count on is change. Feelings change, circumstances change.  

In many cases, anyone who says, “Yeah, he does not believe this,” they’re lying to you.  

Absolutely, he believes that he doesn’t see a future together with you. Why else would he break up with you?  

But what you are counting on, and it’s what I’ve seen happen in countless situations, is that change can occur, and he can change his mind. 

Now, let’s distil down a little deeper, and try to understand the actual process going on in his head. Why is he getting this thought?  

Well, in my opinion, I think he thinks that there’s a better alternative out there for him.

The thing you need to understand about men is, often when we’re making commitment decisions, we’re doing it based on a cost and benefit scenario. 

In other words, we’re looking for an opportunity that’s going to provide the most benefits and minimize the most costs.  

So, he’s in the relationship with you, and he’s enjoying his time potentially, because he thinks,

“I’m getting a lot of benefit out of this relationship and it’s not costing me much. My feelings are still into this,” but somewhere along the way, there was a catalyst, a catalyst for change. 

This is actually a technique that I use with my coaching clients, because what I find is, that a lot of the women who I coach, and also who Coach Anna coaches, will be a little blind to the real reason that caused the breakup.  

There’s always a catalyst, there’s always a turning point. Sometimes it’s not one singular moment, it’s a combination of many singular moments.  

But it’s important for you to be aware of what that catalyst is, that catalyst that turns things for the worst, that makes him think,

“You know what? This is costing me too much. There are not enough benefits. The benefits don’t out weigh the cost anymore.”  

So, it’s important to think back. In most cases it can be something as simple as a comment like, “Oh yeah.” 

My wife and I, interestingly … I’ll give you a really inline idea of this process at work. My wife and I often will watch The Bachelor, or recently we’ve been kind of getting a kick … at least I get a kick out of it … this idea of The Bachelor in Paradise, where essentially they get all these couples together on a beach, and you can only advance at the competition as long as you’re in a couple. 

There happened to be a woman and a guy who were really hitting it off. It looked like she liked him and he liked her, and then she made some comment.  

Now, the interesting thing, the trademark you need to understand here, is with The Bachelor in Paradise, they’re often introducing new people into the equation, and the new person has the opportunity to take someone out on a date.  

It just so happened that the men had the power, which means the men have these roses. 

I know this sounds like a ridiculous show, but the men have these roses, and they are allowed to give it to the women of their choice, to advance in the competition.  

Of course, the couples that were already together don’t necessarily stay together, because there’s always new women coming in, that are going to ask the men on dates. 

There was one couple that seemed really strong, and what ended up happening was, the woman felt a little insecure about the facts that there’s another girl that’s going to come in, that could potentially ask her man on a date.  

She got so insecure, she decided to test him. Her test was, “Hey, if you get asked out on a date, I want you to do what’s best for you. I want you to go on the date.” 

Now, the man was really into the girl, but this kind of took him aback, because he was looking for an actual commitment out of the person he was with, and it made him feel like the girl he was with wasn’t as committed because she was doing this test.  

And so of course, the girl, the new blood, comes and asks him on a date, and he takes it. Of course, the girl who gave him the test is in tears. 

This is all because the new alternative came in and he felt, you know what?  

Maybe there is a better alternative out there for him. This caused the catalyst for this dissension, this break up, so to speak.  

It can be something as simple as that, or something as complicated as, for 15 weeks straight you fought every single day. 

Those are the kinds of catalysts we’re looking at. Once you have those identified, you can get an idea of the moment he starts looking for alternatives.  

Think of it like this. If you look at the pros and cons list of being in a relationship with you, the second the cons start outweighing the pros, the second he starts looking for more alternatives. 

Now, does him saying this to you …  

Hey, my ex said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does him saying, “You know what? I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t see us being together when we grow old,”  

Does that impact your overall chances of success with getting him back? Not really. 

I know that’s a weird thing to say, especially after I gave all this evidence saying, “Yes, he does believe what he’s saying in the moment. Yes, he’s thinking there are better alternatives out there,” but here’s the trick.  

Thinking there are better alternatives out there aren’t the same as there actually being better alternatives out there.  

And if you listen to what I’m about to say, if you take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions, you can actually turn this in your favor, because the agent of change will occur. He can change how he’s feeling. 

You’re a week out from your breakup, Shauntee. The emotions you’re having, and he’s having, are at the highest state.  

So, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when people are in highly emotional states and tell you something, they’re doing it as an impulse reaction.  

That impulse might not be the same a year from now, six months from now, three months from now. 

So, let’s take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions. Because your ex, right now, is looking for a new type of commitment.  

Four Major Factors 

In my opinion there are four major factors that you need to take into account:

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Fear of loss

Let’s talk a little bit about each one of these.  

Satisfaction

How satisfied is your ex in the relationship he’s in currently?  

Alternatives

We just spent a whole bunch of time talking about this, but alternatives.

Is there someone else out there who can meet his needs better? 

Remember, when I view alternatives, or when your ex is viewing alternatives, he’s looking at a pros and cons lists.  

He’s looking to see, “You know what? This girl has more pros than cons, than the current relationship I’m in, or the current relationship I was just in.” 

Investment

How much money, and time, and emotional energy has he spent invested into the relationship?  

This is a really undervalued factor, and I’d argue it’s one of the most important, if not the most important factor to commitment decisions, investment.  

What we found is, as long as an ex has invested a lot of time, energy, emotional energy, resources into a relationship, even if that relationship is starting to become unsatisfying, even if the alternatives are ripe, he can still stay in the relationship because he feels like it’s a waste of his time. 

There’s nothing people like less than wasting their time, even if we spend all day wasting our time. 

And then finally,

Fear of Loss

Oftentimes to me, this is the agent that gets the action of commitment in play.  

It’s not enough just to be satisfying. It’s not enough to be the best alternative. It’s not enough to get his investment sometimes, or get his time invested into you. 

Sometimes, we find that when we teach our clients about this process, and they actually work to try to get a commitment from their ex, they do a great job of getting satisfaction, alternatives, investment.  

It’s not enough to push him over the edge. It’s not until he feels like he’s about to lose you forever, that he will take action. 

So, what does this mean?  

Well, when you look at understanding how men make commitment decisions, it gives you the game plan going forward, especially with an ex who says he doesn’t see a future with you.  

So, an ex who says that, is essentially talking almost about investment.  

He’s not willing to invest enough time into the relationship because he doesn’t think it will pan out, because either it’s become unsatisfying, but my guess is, he thinks there’s a better alternative out there. 

What are breakups, if not an admission that, “You know what? I think I can do better than you.”  

It’s your job, your mantra, to live your life in a way that he feels like he’s going to miss out on the alternative of being with you.  

It’s your job to live your life in a way, and romanticize the past for him, so that when he does start meeting other alternatives, other women, he’s comparing them to the bar that you set, and the bar that you set is so high.  

That is how you get a man to commit to you. 

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64 thoughts on “My Ex Said He Doesn’t See A Future With Me”

  1. Avatar

    Mariana

    May 21, 2020 at 9:56 pm

    My bf broke up with me 3 days ago, he basically said this that he doesn’t see a future and doesn’t want to waste both of our times. I didn’t see the catalyst but I do now, as quarantine was ending he made plans to go hang w/friends at the lake on the weekend that I was coming back in town after being away for almost 2 weeks, I didn’t take well and it pushed me away bc he values his friends and independence highly. I know I was wrong in being so pushy/clingly and I’m working on that but I was reacting like that bc I felt he was being distant and had been having doubts about us. Doubts that started the second time I reacted like that to him having other weekend plans. We texted later in the night that we broke up and it was the most honest and open conversation we had, I didn’t even expect him to reply, just wanted to get some things off my chest. But he expressed his fear of wasting his time with people and wanting to find the right person and loving his independence and free time and how he has a bad habit of comparing current relationships to past relationships and how he thinks he should feel and that’s why he’s been single for so long. I don’t take it for granted that he committed to me even tho that’s something he doesn’t do lightly and I really think we could have had something great and even get back together but I would appreciate any sincere and honest advice. I’ve taken the quiz and I got 74 percent. We casually dated for 2/3 months and officially bf/gf for 2 months.

  2. Avatar

    Amy

    May 6, 2020 at 5:31 pm

    My ex and I were best friends for over a year before we started dating (we were both in relationships during that year). He knew I had feelings for him and when we initially talked he said he didn’t ever, ever want to lose me as a friend and by dating me he was afraid that would happen, especially if we broke up. The issue was dropped. A couple months later, his behavior toward me changed and he said he wanted to date me. During even our friendship… he didn’t always value me as he should have. I was there for him 24/7 without him having to ask, and he wasn’t always for me. We started dating in January and he broke up with me about three weeks ago. I contacted him about two days after, initially, but it was not a plea to get back together, but something he had asked to know about before the breakup. He said he had been having this “feeling” for about 3 weeks (which was when we had to stop seeing each other due to COVID) and he couldn’t shake it. He then said he loved me, but only as his best friend, not his girlfriend and this was the first time I ever heard him say it. He said he couldn’t lose me as his best friend but that he just didn’t see a future with me, so there was no point in continuing. (He broke up with his last girlfriend of 2 years for kind of the same reasons– he didn’t see himself marrying her.) Over our relationship i asked him a couple times if he had truly been ready to date me and he assured me he was and that he was so happy to be with his best friend. However, even during our relationship he was never there for me in the same way that I was for him. He was never mean to me, he just didn’t make me a priority. I don’t know what to do… he was so sure of us getting married and having a future in the beginning (though it wasn’t explicitly said) and then bam, a change. I would date him again but I’d have to see change from his side on making me a priority, but I still don’t understand why he would break up with me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 2:59 pm

      Hi Amy, sometimes our exes dont value enough in their mind so the best thing to do is remove yourself from their lives (short term) and let them feel that loss. One of the reasons we follow a NC rule for at least 30 days. I would suggest that this would be more effective way to make your ex realise they were not putting enough into the relationship. Make sure you read articles that apply to your relationship and follow that advice

  3. Avatar

    Sara

    March 22, 2020 at 11:16 pm

    My ex and I were together for a year, then he broke up because he didnt have feelings and he wasnt ready for a relationship then after 3 months came back as he missed me and after 2 months dating, he say he wasnt ready… same history for 2 years.
    Today he finally say he doesn’t see a future with me, he loves me just as a friend and we need to move on for good this time.
    And who knows what will happend in the future.
    Do you think is chance he will change his mind or i can do something? I really love him..
    Also its to painful and i dont know how to move on when I know is no more girls involve
    Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 28, 2020 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Sara it sounds as if your guy is getting grass is greener syndrome while in the relationship and then when he goes out there and realises he cant do better he comes back to you. I would work on yourself to become Ungettable and then use social media to show your ex you are moving on with your life and he has “lost you”. If he wants to get back together then you need to get him to invest much more time into the relationship before you take him back properly. Go on dates, build a foundation and make him wait for the intimacy of a relationship.

  4. Avatar

    Rachel

    March 22, 2020 at 5:18 am

    Hey Chris,

    My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. Long story short, I was in a rough place because I moved to a new state to start a job and it was way more intense than I thought it was. We broke up because he came home for a funeral and I had a mental breakdown during that time. Things were said that were not meant by both parties and he initially just “wanted a break”. I reacted typically and begged to get him back. He went back to his military job and I continued to reach out to him for 3 weeks with the hot and cold conversations. One of those conversations he said “I just don’t see us working out”. It’s hard for me to take him for his word because his answers have been so different every time we’ve talked. I’ve been in NC for 4 days now and it’s just hard because we never fought until this blow out.

  5. Avatar

    Beth

    March 20, 2020 at 7:50 pm

    Hi me and my boyfriend broke up 1 time a couple weeks before we made it to our 1 year mark. We were broke up for about 3 weeks but I still tried to talk to him I called him and texted him I was very pushy. He told me he didn’t love me, didn’t care about me, didn’t think about us, or miss me. His dad asked him if he could see me with another man and he said he didn’t care. Well around week 3 of us being broken up he asked how I was doing I told him “I’m doing good still feeling like I was and how are you doing” he replied “stressed” I apologized because I was thinking I had made him stressed from constantly bothering him well he said “well I’m gonna go good talking to you” I still continued to message him first and that following Sunday he started to text me about how I was doing and about a party I went to so I started to tell him about it and make him jealous. I asked him when I could bring him his gift I had ordered him before we broke up he said I could meet him at his house in the evening the next day. We had a good talk. He ends up messaging me the next morning asking if he can come that morning to talk. We ended up working things out and getting back together. I was so happy that day I can play the whole day out in my head and remember every word said. He told me he said all those hurtful things to make hisself believe he was making the right decision. Well it’s now 5 month after that and he breaks up with me again for same reasons. That we argue to much over dumb things and I never let him have fun with his friends. But this time he said he didn’t see a future with me when a month ago we talked about a future together. He said he wants to love someone the way I love him. That’s hurt but I didn’t know if I should believe he meant that. At first when we talked about it he was asking me what we should do or what he should do like he still wasn’t sure what to do but he ended up breaking up with me in the end. I did the same things as last time messaged him, called him, cried to him, just trying to make him see where I was coming from and trying to convince him not to do this. Well after like a week or a little more I find out he has already started to talk to another girl and hanging out with her and he has worked everyday long hours. I don’t know what to do because I see a future with him and I pray about it everyday. Even though he said all those things my feelings haven’t changed for him and I still see a future with him. I am having a really hard time with this because I believe he is serious this time and I don’t want it to be true. I have read all kinds of articles and watched videos in what to do so I tried the no contact well I tried for like 5 days and I ended up messaging him saying how sorry I was for stressing him out over things and making it harder for him and all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. He messaged me “it’s all fine” it was so short and seemed he really didn’t want to talk to me so I said “ I really hope you are happy” he replied “ I am”. I’m happy that he is happy but I’m not happy he isn’t happy with me. He made me feel a way no one ever has he got me through so many hard times in life and was always the person I wanted to go to, to talk about anything. He has a lot of insecurity problems and I think that was one factor in his reason to break up. He kept telling me I shouldn’t be upset that he should be because he was loosing someone amazing but I was kissing nothing or he didn’t deserve me, or my love, And his emotions didn’t matter. I want more then anything to be with him and be able to spend the rest of my life with him but idk what to do or think. I know this is really long but I need help.

  6. Avatar

    Sophia

    March 18, 2020 at 5:58 pm

    Hi! I hope you can give me some advise. Me (25) and my ex boyfriend (24) were in a relationship for 4.5 years, and 3 weeks ago he broke up with me. He told me that he doesn’t see a future with me anymore, because his feelings for me changed over the past months. We both cried (a lot) and said goodbye.

    A week after the break-up we decided to talk face to face without the crying and all the drama that was going on the week before. This is when I did something very very stupid. I asked him if he wanted to try the 30 days NC (I ASKED him… how dumb!).
    I explained that we both needed to rediscover ourselves and to just enjoy life without each other, while looking back at our relationship every now and then to figure out what went wrong exactly. I also said that after the 30 days we can meet up (if he still wants to) and just get to know each other again, not as boyfriend and girlfriend, but just as two people who used to be best friends for years. If there is a spark, than that’s nice, but if there isn’t, thats fine too and we go our separate ways.

    He said; well why the hell not. At the time I thought I was being very sophisticated and smart, but now, almost two weeks later, i’m afraid I made a big mistake by suggesting the 30 days NC. I’m a huge controlfreak and did it to stay in control of the situation, while it would have been better to just LET GO.

    So, do you think I ruined my chances to get back together by suggesting the 30 days NC? Should I break off the 30 days while I still can or should I just go with the flow and hope for the best? (and do fun stuff with friends in the meantime and work on myself).

    Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2020 at 12:26 am

      Hi Sophia, so you need to complete a no contact after a break up to give yourself and your ex a break from each other. And deal with the emotions of the break up at the time. When you reach out to your ex you need to make sure that you are using one of the texts that Chris suggests so that you break a pattern how you would normally reach out to your ex and make sure that the conversation is short and positive.

  7. Avatar

    Kai

    March 17, 2020 at 12:13 am

    Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me 1 month ago after 2 years of relationship together. I did a 2 weeks of brief no contact and decided to ask him if he would like to try again. He told me he could not see a future of us anymore. I understand why he would say that. During our time together, we did not managed to built a strong emotional connection and I was quite demanding. However I am willing to change for the better. I still want to get back together with him because he is special to me and he is worth it. Will there still be any chance of
    reconciliation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 17, 2020 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Kai, so you broke the no contact for a text we tell you not to send. If you want your ex back then you need to complete a full no contact for 30 days and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests in his articles and videos that open a form of communication with your ex that is going to interest him while also not being emotional or too must pressure on him. You need to work up the value chain before you can reach a point where your ex will start thinking of you in a romantic way again. Re start a no contact for 45 days and work on yourself to be the Ungettable version of yourself.

  8. Avatar

    Annie

    March 11, 2020 at 9:52 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me… again, after we got back from a trip together We were great for a few days after our trip. We ha a great time but then we got in a fight….. We break up a lot and usually make up but this time he told me I need to move on because he doesn’t see a future with me. He said he will never marry me and that he lost feelings for me. Every time he gets mad at me he tells me he never wants to get married an that he will never marry me. I am planning on going no contact for 45 days but what should I tell him to initiate? I havent ever committed to No contact because he looks for me shortly after our break up every time. He will talk to me like if are together but will tell me we’re broken up and I usually go along with it until we get back together. This has been going on for over 5 years. Should I tell him I respect his decision and tell him I’m moving on? right now we are still talking and he’s very hot and cold. I don’t know what to do. I want to do no contact but I don’t kn ow what to tell him so he doesn’t contact me because every time he contacts me I eventually fall and answer him. I want to work on myself and become confident and be the “ungettable girl” . I think he knows he can come back when ever he wants and I will be there. I want him to fully commit but I know It wont work until I go through with no contact and work on myself. How can I tell him or should I even tell him I understand he doesn’t see a future with me??? and should I let him know I’m doing no contact? Also, should I block him or just ignore his calls/texts? Please help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2020 at 12:33 am

      Hi Annie, so if your relationship is an on and off again pattern you need to break this pattern. You need to complete a no contact where you work on yourself for that time and then also make sure that you give your ex some space to reflect on their mistakes (hopefully) too. If you feel that there is not a future with this person then you stick to your no contact, there is no need to reach out and tell him this as it will appear that you are being emotional and trying to put guilt into the break up. Stay silent and keep your dignity. Also I wouldnt block him unless you find that you cant stop cyber stalking him

  9. Avatar

    Nina

    February 24, 2020 at 7:10 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I were dating all throughout medical school, we did go through alot of rough patches, we did have fights. We dated for 4 years and then he broke up with me, because he says we are incompatible. (Due to having fights, not constant fights at all, but yes often). He continued to stay in touch with me, I couldn’t do a period of no contact immediately because he had his exams and then I had mine. So we just stayed in touch. He and I are very much attached to each other.
    He isn’t looking to date anyone else, he still loves me and he hasn’t dated anyone since. It’s been 2 years since the break up, and we live on two separate sides of the country now.
    He told me he is tired of hurting me and disappointing me.
    So he said now just yesterday that he doesn’t see a Future with me.
    But I asked him if we could take a break from each other for 3 months and reevaluate. He said he would consider it.
    Am I doing the right thing?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Nina so that is not really what we do here at ERP, but if you stick to a 45 day no contact and reach out with a text that Chris suggest and see what sort of response you get from your ex. Read about the ungettable posts and what it takes to be the best version of yourself in that time.

  10. Avatar

    Emily

    February 20, 2020 at 3:31 am

    hey so me and my boyfriend of one year just broke up. i am completely heartbroken. he said he doenst want a relationship but is constantly reminded of me all the time and almost wandt to date again but sees no future. my friend talked to him and he was saying all that and that he just can’t see us in the future. we had a love that was stronger then anything and everyone looked up to us as a couple and we were both 90% of the time always happy together. but now im here and want him back asap what is the best way i can do that because i know he still cares for me and borderline loves me but he’s just not seeing anything

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Emily I suggest that you work on the Ungettable information and apply this to your life so your ex regrets losing you

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    Sindy

    February 18, 2020 at 5:10 am

    Hi, my ex came back after 12 weeks after I text him. He’s with someone else with children but said as long as he gets to see me sometimes it’s better than not seeing me at all. We just talked for 3 hours. What do I do? His girlfriend is using social media to try and make me jealous cause she knows I’m his ex. We never seem to quite make it as he put barriers up. I’ve known him for more than 30 yrs and moved my life to be with him and then he changed his mind hence the no contact. What’s my next step? Or should I just use the be there method?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 11:03 pm

      Hi Sindy, so you need to complete a full no contact where you work on yourself for some time and allow him that time to miss you and not have you in his life! He does not get to end the relationship and still have you in his life when it suits him. Let him feel the loss of you. After your 30 days no contact and working on the Ungettable information then start following the being there method while dating casually

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    Stephany

    February 3, 2020 at 9:42 pm

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago, we have been in contact on and off because he reaches out to see how I am doing. His reason for breaking up with me is because he says that the chemistry did not feel like it use to and that the relationship started feeling more as “friends”. Last week on tuesday he reached out to me to see how I was doing etc. and in the convo mentioned how it felt awkward texting me and when I asked why? he says because we have never been friends. I told him that I wasn’t looking to be his friend, and we kind of got into it. Just today we spoke because I reached out to him, when we spoke today he was telling me how much of a great person I am and that i never did anything wrong in the relationship and that maybe one day we will laugh or reflect on all of this. He says that “I’ll never say were over forever” and that we both need to work on ourselves and see how things progress naturally. I told him I didn’t want to lose him and he said I don’t but that we can talk the way we use to as in bf/gf. So at this point I am wondering will there ever be a chance for us again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 9:23 pm

      Hey Stephany, you need to complete a No Contact where you DO NOT REPLY if he reaches out! You need 30 days of ignoring him! This is how you get your ex to worry about losing you and that you might be moving on. If you keep giving him what he wants (speaking to you when he feels like it) this is the situation that is going to continue. Following this program it is essential that you look up what to do during No contact and what work you need to do on yourself in the mean time. Ignoring your ex is a good thing at this point. They get upset, they get angry, they even try to guilt you into answering because he does not like the fact you are taking away his option to speak to you when he feels like it

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    Soph

    January 19, 2020 at 7:17 pm

    Hi Chris, Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, after a month of no contact he reached out to meet up and we met three weeks later cause I was busy. During these 3 weeks we spoke a few times and he used pet names, told me he missed me and did at times get flirty/sexual. When we met, we did have sex and he asked to meet again. Then I ended up talking about the relationship and asking what he wants ‘He didn’t see a future with us’.
    After he found out I was using tinder we got in contact again and had a few serious conversations where he said he wanted to send me a letter explaining everything about why he broke up with me. I chose to have a slightly serious text conversation about why our relationship ended instead and he said ‘at least now we know if something ever happens between us in the future’.
    We had a talk recently where he said he doesn’t know what the future holds but right now he was happy alone and chatting (he’s told me he likes talking to me multiple times). I said I get that but I’d want to eventually hang out and see where it goes and he said that sounds positive and we can take it as it goes and we decided to just talk for now. We’ve since had a quick light conversation where he goes he still wants a painting from me which he initiated.
    Our current conversations can easily have quite flirty/sexual tones. I don’t know how best to go forth cause I’m worried that I could just be getting strung a long. I don’t know whether to do no contact cause I just said I was okay with talking and seeing how it goes.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:11 pm

      Hey Soph so you have the option of keeping the conversation going as you are, and flirting with him to see if you can get a meet up, but I would also be on dating sites, or go on dates if you have guys asking you as he needs to know that he could lose you to someone else. He is happy talking to you because this way he knows you are not going anywhere, I would leave him waiting for a response from you for a while and not reply as quickly as you normally to do make him worry why you are not replying etc.

  14. Avatar

    Bethany

    January 14, 2020 at 1:53 pm

    Hi,
    For a bit of insight my ex left for uni in September and his parents moved 250miles away a week before he started uni. I work full time and also study on the side.

    He is 21 and I am 20
    We were in a 2 year relationship when we broke up

    My Ex-boyfriend broke up with me last week over FaceTime (he lives around 33miles away from me). It was out of the blue because the evening before he was expressing his love for me and why I was great for him. We had only seen each other two days before when he was up at mine. But on the day of the break up he was off and not replying to my messages. I think something might have happened the night before as I went to bed early as I had work but he went out with his flat mates.

    I had felt since he started uni that he was acting very differently I no longer felt important I felt I was the only one putting any effort in. He went back to his days before we started dating. He no longer expressed his feelings he hid them away. I was no longer interesting he only ever wanted me when he had nothing to do. His uni life seemed extremely boring to me just partying and drink (Which he told me he was over and ready to actually just get a degree – I know you can have fun at uni without alcohol or drugs as I have many friend in uni and my brother also started at the same time and he has a very different experience) and due to me being the only one with money I started to pay for more things so we could do fun things. But I would be very annoyed when he would spend the same on a night out that I did for us to go out together like see a movie or look around a castle. I felt like I put a lot more effort in and I expressed this and he started to get better he got a job he started coming up to me and taking me out.

    He was my first boyfriend, first love, first everything. When we met he had just come out of a very toxic relationship we a very horrible girl and now we are done I’m starting to feel like he has gone back to her.

    My family have all said he made me feel horrible the last few months they all said I have always been insure but he has definitely made it worse. When we were apart things would be very different and distant but when we were together it was amazing and so I would always say it was just the distance.

    When he dumped me he started with that maybe we needed space and that he didn’t feel happy anymore and that he felt he was leading me on as he saw no future with me. I had been upset this day anyway due to family problems and he also used this as a reason why he didn’t do this sooner. We said we would meet up in two weeks and talk through it properly. I want all my stuff I’ve payed for back now because at the end of the day the reason I bought it for him was because one day I believed we would share them together.

    We did talk about moving in together in the future only weeks before.

    But if he really felt this was over why did he buy us tickets to do to the theatre In March. Why did he help choose pick out matching phone cases with pictures of us on two days before he dumped me. I’m still very confused.

    I defiantly feel he as a person is very unhappy he has never had unconditional love and I think as it was getting more serious and difficult he stopped trying because nobody has ever really loved him or looked after him and I defiantly put even more effort in which I’m worried is the reason this break up has happened if I hadn’t tried so hard I think he would have stepped up but I don’t think I have him space too.

    I’m kind of hoping some people have had the same kind of experience. I think someone people can never change and I do feel sorry for him as everyone in his family has crashed and burned but I think in the end think maybe I wasn’t the right one for him I’m ready to grow up and I don’t think he is.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 12:09 pm

      Hey Bethany, its great how you have handled the situation from what you have said and maybe it is a case of you are ready to grow up when he isnt and he sounds as if he is going through some emotional struggles too. So I’d suggest a No Contact for 30 days and decide what you want to do regards to him in that time and focus on yourself for a bit. Also so it is clarified, when someone wants to end things and it is not in a heated argument usually they are thinking about it for a few days and that is more than likely why he was telling you how much he loved you the night before, because he was trying to convince himself all was well. Even though he was doubting it in his head. So know he probably does have feelings for you, but isnt able to do a relationship right now for whatever his reasons may be. Work on the Ungettable girl and decide if you want to try and get him back then follow the program if you want to get over him you can do this by following the rules for Holy Trinity and Ungettable girl still the same without reaching out to him in the mean time

  15. Avatar

    Abbey

    January 13, 2020 at 10:26 am

    I was going out with a guy for a couple of months, and it wasn’t serious but we’d discussed not wanting to date anyone but each other so I thought it was going somewhere. Until last night when he ended our situationship saying he’s really attracted to me, thinks I’m “perfect on paper” and that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him but he didn’t see us falling in love. He said he didn’t think he felt strongly enough for me – for instance he felt more excited to see his friends the other day than me which is pretty hard to take – and he thinks I wanted something pretty serious and he’s not sure so didn’t want to mislead me. I’m pretty shattered, it was early days but I saw such potential there. We both said we wanted to be friends and didn’t like the idea of never seeing one another again. I took it okay, but I feel like I could have done better in not saying things along the lines of “I wish you’d give it a bit longer” and trying to convince him that I didn’t want a serious relationship at the moment. So I waited 24 hours and sent him a “Clean-Slate Text” just apologising for not taking it better, saying I respected his decision and that I only wanted what was best for us both. He replied saying I handled it well, that he understood and that he was sure I would bounce back quickly. I have no intentions of replying to that and going for NC now. Do you have a recommended time period for it? Do you think we have an established enough relationship for this to even work? I’m aware that in the meantime I may just get over him anyway but I would like to think we might be able to resume as friends at the end of NC and then something might spark up again slowly.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 10:08 pm

      Hey Abbey, so if you are hoping to get him back then you need to follow the program and the direction it takes you, if you just want your ex back as a friend then you can reach out after you have completed a no contact, but make sure you are aware of the types of messages you should be reaching out with for the first time

  16. Avatar

    Katie

    January 7, 2020 at 5:10 pm

    Hi, I have been reading numerous articles on this website to try and find an answer to my situation.
    About a month ago, a week before Christmas, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me. We were mad about each other, he took me on amazing dates, bought me flowers, cherished me and treated me like a princess. I got a new job in November and so we spent a bit less time together but still tried to make it work. However, the break up was completely out of the blue and he said that a couple weeks prior he started to feel like “his head wasn’t in it and then my heart wasn’t in it” and he felt like carrying on would hurt me more than being honest. I was distraught and depressed for two weeks and begged him to come back so I ended up being the crazy ex. Then I found he messaged me again and said “I’ve had a think and I just don’t see it working out and it just wasn’t working in the end”. I don’t believe that intense a love that we had can go that quickly but I don’t want to beg or push him anymore because I know it’s not helping. I found this website and I’m two days into the no contact rule but I’m just wondering if you’ve got any further advice for me?

    I would have given him the world and we never argued, we were incredibly happy together and went out to different places and had lots of fun. I think that his decision is based on him being confused in his mind but I know that we were perfect together and I want to restore what we had. Please help, I’m at a loss and I don’t want to lose the person I love the most.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 5:03 am

      Hi Katie, I know it is awful and painful to be broken up with when you are in love with someone, but what you are not considering right at this moment that is not how your ex is feeling. That doesnt mean he didnt feel it at the start, it just means that he started to feel differently about the relationship. Its hard to understand, its hard to accept but if one person does not want to be in the relationship, we can not force them to be. Take some time to heal from the break up and work on yourself so that when you speak to your ex again you know you are at your best version of yourself and it will remind him how he fell for you in the first place.

  17. Avatar

    Ray

    January 5, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    I was dating a guy for 5 months exclusively (agreed at week 7/8). But he broke things off on 1st Dec. Saying he wasn’t feeling it and just didnt think there was enough there to make it work. We didn’t fight or anything, we both had a great time together (he was happy and bouncy around me, danced with me in the kitchen, looked at me the right way) but for that last week he just went cold. He would text everyday to see how my day went (he initiated) and we would see each other once a week (both busy schedules). I didn’t argue about the break up. I wished him well. Gave him a Christmas gift that I had already bought. Said no hard feelings. He texted later that night thanking me and apologising again that things hadn’t worked out. I replied Have a gd xmas. Be happy. I went NC. He didn’t reach out till Xmas Day. Really nice text thanking me again for the present and hoping I had a great xmas with a x. Wasn’t sure what to do. I didnt read it till Boxing Day, didnt reply till BD night. Just said You’re welcome. Merry Christmas. Left it at that. I guess I’m wondering if he was just being nice or if he’s missing me…Will he come back? He hasn’t contacted me again since 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 8, 2020 at 8:26 pm

      Hey Ray, so I would say its likely he may be missing you but you need to stop replying to his messages and stick to NC now you have to start again as of the day after Boxing Day. Working on yourself to become Ungettable to then reach out in the next 30 days as a better version of yourself

  18. Avatar

    Stephanie

    January 2, 2020 at 7:46 am

    Hello, i broke up with my ex 2 months ago. Me and my ex together for only 3 months but we were really in love and so happy we’re going to be serious about it and we had no fight, and i feel this is the relationship i really wanted. And then suddenly he said, his father didn’t agree with our relationship because of the matter of age (i dont know if there’s something else). I’m older than him 3 years old. After the break up, we still texting and he said still in love with me but he wanted me to move on if there’s someone better than him who can give the future. but i can’t. A week ago he said, he wanted to keep like this and who knows we can be together in the future (like in relationship) BUT without status. He didn’t want status because he’s afraid that in the end we can’t be together. But i’m confused right now, what should i do? i don’t know if he’s gonna be serious about it or not.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 1:36 am

      Hi Stephanie, so I advise that you life your life and amke sure it shows on social media that you are doing so as now you have had that conversation with your ex they now assume that they can ahve you back, without a title or real commitment, when they are ready. You do not want this as you are going to place yourself as a safety net. You need to make your ex worry that there is going to be someone else who is able to take you away from them, who is going to want to be with you. So while you do a no contact work on yourself, reach out at the end of your no contact but also be open to dating other people casually. No sex, just getting to know them and posting how you are out to dinner in different places this will make your ex feel the need to decide if they are going to commit to you or allow you to get to knew others

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    Sandy

    November 21, 2019 at 2:56 pm

    Hi Chris!

    My issue is kind of opposite to this. I successfully completed nc, worked on myself and all that. All of the sudden my ex texted me that there are past issues he cannot overlook and if we were to ever get back together, things would have to start from clean slate and he thinks to let go he would need at least a year if it would even then go away. Then he added that if his negative past experiences with me are forgotten, he’ll marry me on the spot and have kids and a house.

    HELP!! I am so confused with his message. What does he want from me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:13 am

      Hi Sandy, by the sounds of it he wants to get back together but what ever happend in the past needs to be removed / forgotten about. Only you know what he is talking about in that situation and I dont know how to advise further without knowing. If it is cheating then I assume he means that the situation or the person is out of your lives and not spoken of again.

  20. Avatar

    Gargi

    November 15, 2019 at 2:16 am

    My boyfriend and I were in a 5+ years romantic relationship…He used to love me a lot and also respect me. Last year he moved to a different state and it has become a long distance relationship since then…He was talking about meeting soon…I told him that I have told about him to my mom and asked him when was he going to say to his parents.He became nervous and angry at that point.After that he didn’t contact.After four days I contacted him.He said he told his father about us and he didn’t accept so there is no future of us together and he wants to focus on career.He also said that “I am not saying I don’t want you,I don’t want the relationship”.After that I went through NC.After 7 days his friend messaged me that he is in pain… the next day he called me and wanted to have video call but I didn’t show interest…and after that he contacts me in a gap of 3-4days.One day he sent me a angry message for I don’t initiate contact.One day he shared his funny dance video with me…One day he said he miss me now..when I said i too miss him he changed the topic.After that I called him one day and said I am upset because I am remembering him…He politely said “Don’t think so much”…After that I posted a letter to him that I wrote before breakup but couldn’t send then…He messaged me 5 days ago that he has received it…After that he didn’t contact me.. What’s going on in his mind?What should I do to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Gargi, so it seems that when you do the NC he gets scared but you break it by answering him. You need to ignore him for a full 30 days without replying to him. You are just giving him the reassurance that you are still available to him as an option. Now as for his parents not happy about your relationship. I dont want to assume, but is it a culture thing? If he is not going to stand up to his family about who he wants to be with and they demand he focuses on his career or another love interest that they do approve of there is not going to be much you can do until he is willing to stand up for himself. You cant do that for him. You need to make sure you do the work to become an Ungettable girl in his eyes so that he feels like he lost you and does enough to get you back in a relationship

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