Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.  

How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because that’s really what we’re here to do. 

So today, we’re going to be talking about what it means when an ex actually says that he doesn’t see a future with you. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shauntee, whose ex ironically has just said this exact thing to her. 

But before we get started, I do want to let you know, if you’re considering getting your ex back, the first place that you should always start is on our website, to take our ex recovery chances quiz.  

It’s a two-minute quiz that is simply designed to answer one question, what kind of chance do you have of getting your ex back? 

Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than working to try to get an ex back in a situation that is probably impossible. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of their time.  

So, we want to weed these types of situations out immediately, or help you improve the odds of your chances, but in order for you to understand that, you have to go to my website and take the quiz.  

So again, just go to Google, type in ex boyfriend recovery.  

My website will pop up, and look for the quiz there. There’s only one quiz on the website, and it is the quiz I’m talking about right here in the podcast. 

 

Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what your ex means when he says he doesn’t see a future with me, and I’m going to play a voicemail I got from one of my readers named Shauntee. 

The Listeners Question

“Hi Chris, this is Shauntee 

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because he said that he thought our relationship had reached a plateau, and that he really didn’t see a future for us, and that to continue dating me would basically be leading me on at this point. 

I’ve read through your website. I didn’t really see an example of a success story from that sort of situation.  

So, I’m just wondering, do you think there’s hope there, that someone who doesn’t think that you’re the one, may realize that they made a mistake, I guess?  

Like I said, it’s been a week. I haven’t spoken with him. I haven’t tried to contact him. He hasn’t contacted me. 

He’s actually not on social media, one of the very few people in the world. So, it’s not like I’m looking at his social media, or anything like that, or he’s not looking at mine because he’s not on it.  

I don’t know if there was another woman in the picture or not. So, I guess, like I said, my question is just, do you think there’s any hope for that at this point, for any hope for any reconciliation?  

Thank you.” 

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for having the courage to send me a voicemail, Shauntee 

If you’re listening to this podcast, and are interested in sending me a voicemail, you can actually go to my website, and actually, record a 30-90 second voicemail for me.  

Sometimes, I pick the best ones, or the ones that fit the criteria that I’m looking for, and I will answer your question on-air. 

He Doesn’t See A Future Together 

So today, let’s do a quick recap of Shauntee’s situation.  

It looks like her ex broke up with her about a week ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and says he doesn’t see a future together, says dating her would be like leading her on.  

Now, Shauntee is obviously very discouraged by this. She’s wondering if there’s still hope. Will he realize that he made a mistake? And interestingly enough, her ex doesn’t have any social media. 

So, when I look at your situation as a whole, Shauntee, there are two things that really stick out to me.  

Number one is, what the heck is going on in his head when he actually says he doesn’t see a future with me?  

I’m sure a lot of people listening to this are wondering that as well.

There’s nothing like having a man actually tell you what’s going on in another man’s head, and that’s what I’m going to spend some time doing today. 

But on top of that, I’m also going to spend some time helping everyone listening, and you Shauntee, understand how men make their commitment decisions.

Because I think, interestingly in this case, the two are kind of linked.  

So, part one of this podcast will be dedicated to figuring out what’s going on in his head when he says this.  

Part two is going to be helping you understand how men make their commitment decisions. 

So, let’s get right to it

Part one, what is going on in his head when he says he doesn’t see a future with you?  

All right, so first off, the first thing you need to understand is, does he believe what he’s saying?  

I would say yes, he does, right now. In this moment, he’s broken up with you, it’s still very fresh, he does believe that he doesn’t see a future together with you. 

Every man who breaks up with a woman, citing this, will believe that at the time, but interestingly enough, the one agent in life that you can count on is change. Feelings change, circumstances change.  

In many cases, anyone who says, “Yeah, he does not believe this,” they’re lying to you.  

Absolutely, he believes that he doesn’t see a future together with you. Why else would he break up with you?  

But what you are counting on, and it’s what I’ve seen happen in countless situations, is that change can occur, and he can change his mind. 

Now, let’s distil down a little deeper, and try to understand the actual process going on in his head. Why is he getting this thought?  

Well, in my opinion, I think he thinks that there’s a better alternative out there for him.

The thing you need to understand about men is, often when we’re making commitment decisions, we’re doing it based on a cost and benefit scenario. 

In other words, we’re looking for an opportunity that’s going to provide the most benefits and minimize the most costs.  

So, he’s in the relationship with you, and he’s enjoying his time potentially, because he thinks,

“I’m getting a lot of benefit out of this relationship and it’s not costing me much. My feelings are still into this,” but somewhere along the way, there was a catalyst, a catalyst for change. 

This is actually a technique that I use with my coaching clients, because what I find is, that a lot of the women who I coach, and also who Coach Anna coaches, will be a little blind to the real reason that caused the breakup.  

There’s always a catalyst, there’s always a turning point. Sometimes it’s not one singular moment, it’s a combination of many singular moments.  

But it’s important for you to be aware of what that catalyst is, that catalyst that turns things for the worst, that makes him think,

“You know what? This is costing me too much. There are not enough benefits. The benefits don’t out weigh the cost anymore.”  

So, it’s important to think back. In most cases it can be something as simple as a comment like, “Oh yeah.” 

My wife and I, interestingly … I’ll give you a really inline idea of this process at work. My wife and I often will watch The Bachelor, or recently we’ve been kind of getting a kick … at least I get a kick out of it … this idea of The Bachelor in Paradise, where essentially they get all these couples together on a beach, and you can only advance at the competition as long as you’re in a couple. 

There happened to be a woman and a guy who were really hitting it off. It looked like she liked him and he liked her, and then she made some comment.  

Now, the interesting thing, the trademark you need to understand here, is with The Bachelor in Paradise, they’re often introducing new people into the equation, and the new person has the opportunity to take someone out on a date.  

It just so happened that the men had the power, which means the men have these roses. 

I know this sounds like a ridiculous show, but the men have these roses, and they are allowed to give it to the women of their choice, to advance in the competition.  

Of course, the couples that were already together don’t necessarily stay together, because there’s always new women coming in, that are going to ask the men on dates. 

There was one couple that seemed really strong, and what ended up happening was, the woman felt a little insecure about the facts that there’s another girl that’s going to come in, that could potentially ask her man on a date.  

She got so insecure, she decided to test him. Her test was, “Hey, if you get asked out on a date, I want you to do what’s best for you. I want you to go on the date.” 

Now, the man was really into the girl, but this kind of took him aback, because he was looking for an actual commitment out of the person he was with, and it made him feel like the girl he was with wasn’t as committed because she was doing this test.  

And so of course, the girl, the new blood, comes and asks him on a date, and he takes it. Of course, the girl who gave him the test is in tears. 

This is all because the new alternative came in and he felt, you know what?  

Maybe there is a better alternative out there for him. This caused the catalyst for this dissension, this break up, so to speak.  

It can be something as simple as that, or something as complicated as, for 15 weeks straight you fought every single day. 

Those are the kinds of catalysts we’re looking at. Once you have those identified, you can get an idea of the moment he starts looking for alternatives.  

Think of it like this. If you look at the pros and cons list of being in a relationship with you, the second the cons start outweighing the pros, the second he starts looking for more alternatives. 

Now, does him saying this to you …  

Hey, my ex said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does him saying, “You know what? I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t see us being together when we grow old,”  

Does that impact your overall chances of success with getting him back? Not really. 

I know that’s a weird thing to say, especially after I gave all this evidence saying, “Yes, he does believe what he’s saying in the moment. Yes, he’s thinking there are better alternatives out there,” but here’s the trick.  

Thinking there are better alternatives out there aren’t the same as there actually being better alternatives out there.  

And if you listen to what I’m about to say, if you take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions, you can actually turn this in your favor, because the agent of change will occur. He can change how he’s feeling. 

You’re a week out from your breakup, Shauntee. The emotions you’re having, and he’s having, are at the highest state.  

So, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when people are in highly emotional states and tell you something, they’re doing it as an impulse reaction.  

That impulse might not be the same a year from now, six months from now, three months from now. 

So, let’s take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions. Because your ex, right now, is looking for a new type of commitment.  

Four Major Factors 

In my opinion there are four major factors that you need to take into account:

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Fear of loss

Let’s talk a little bit about each one of these.  

Satisfaction

How satisfied is your ex in the relationship he’s in currently?  

Alternatives

We just spent a whole bunch of time talking about this, but alternatives.

Is there someone else out there who can meet his needs better? 

Remember, when I view alternatives, or when your ex is viewing alternatives, he’s looking at a pros and cons lists.  

He’s looking to see, “You know what? This girl has more pros than cons, than the current relationship I’m in, or the current relationship I was just in.” 

Investment

How much money, and time, and emotional energy has he spent invested into the relationship?  

This is a really undervalued factor, and I’d argue it’s one of the most important, if not the most important factor to commitment decisions, investment.  

What we found is, as long as an ex has invested a lot of time, energy, emotional energy, resources into a relationship, even if that relationship is starting to become unsatisfying, even if the alternatives are ripe, he can still stay in the relationship because he feels like it’s a waste of his time. 

There’s nothing people like less than wasting their time, even if we spend all day wasting our time. 

And then finally,

Fear of Loss

Oftentimes to me, this is the agent that gets the action of commitment in play.  

It’s not enough just to be satisfying. It’s not enough to be the best alternative. It’s not enough to get his investment sometimes, or get his time invested into you. 

Sometimes, we find that when we teach our clients about this process, and they actually work to try to get a commitment from their ex, they do a great job of getting satisfaction, alternatives, investment.  

It’s not enough to push him over the edge. It’s not until he feels like he’s about to lose you forever, that he will take action. 

So, what does this mean?  

Well, when you look at understanding how men make commitment decisions, it gives you the game plan going forward, especially with an ex who says he doesn’t see a future with you.  

So, an ex who says that, is essentially talking almost about investment.  

He’s not willing to invest enough time into the relationship because he doesn’t think it will pan out, because either it’s become unsatisfying, but my guess is, he thinks there’s a better alternative out there. 

What are breakups, if not an admission that, “You know what? I think I can do better than you.”  

It’s your job, your mantra, to live your life in a way that he feels like he’s going to miss out on the alternative of being with you.  

It’s your job to live your life in a way, and romanticize the past for him, so that when he does start meeting other alternatives, other women, he’s comparing them to the bar that you set, and the bar that you set is so high.  

That is how you get a man to commit to you. 

9 thoughts on “My Ex Said He Doesn’t See A Future With Me”

  1. Avatar

    Moana

    September 17, 2019 at 2:48 pm

    My ex broke up with me 3wks ago and i have been on no contact since that. By next wk, i will be finishing my no contact. I dont know what should i do? I mean he broke up with me because he thinks there are differences and there’s no future for us anymore. I really dont know how to face and deal with him, as he will be coming over my place to pack all his stuff.

  2. Avatar

    Lilian

    September 16, 2019 at 2:48 pm

    Hiya! I desperately need some advice..
    Me and my ex have been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years. We started off our relationship long distance and I often flew to see him in London every twice a year. We have known each other when we were kids at primary school for just a year.
    After our third year of being exclusive, he moved to his new place from his parents, and I popped by for a visit and lived with him for the past three months. I noticed that there was something really strange about his behaviour. He was being less affectionate and acted rather distant, so I thought he was probably going through a phase or having mood swings so I didn’t really take too much notice.
    One day I got back home after seeing a friend for lunch, he told me there was something important he needed to tell me. I felt like he was acting rather odd.
    He told me he doesn’t see a future and has lost feelings for me from a year and a half ago, and he started sobbing hard. I was totally left speechless and couldn’t believe a word he said there. How could I have not see that coming? He would regularly send me long I love you messages before I went to bed, Skype whenever he’s free and calls me every day and takes me on holidays around Europe..
    So everything was a lie!? I couldn’t believe he was able to mask his feelings the entire time and not tell me how he was feeling. I found it mighty creepy..
    My heart was shattered into pieces and I felt so devastated. I begged and pleaded him that night, and we both slept on separate beds.
    I was so devoted and loyal to him.. We shared all our deepest darkest secrets, our likes and dislikes and shared the same interest in music. We shared our life together.
    I thought he was one of the most genuine guys I have ever been in a relationship with. He was so caring, loyal and was like a breath of fresh air to me.
    Just to let you know I’m my ex’s first serious girlfriend. He has never had a relationship with anyone in the past.
    Would there be a possibility of a reconcilation in the future? I’m planning on flying over to London next month.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 17, 2019 at 9:30 am

      Hi Lilian, so there is a chance of reconciliation, you will need to complete a No contact and read the program and follow through with all the information. For your best chance you need to be the best version of yourself, if he has lost feelings for you. You need to look at your relationship and think about where things had be come difficult or “boring”

  3. Avatar

    Haley

    September 15, 2019 at 4:45 am

    My ex said hes not sure if he can see himself marrying me in the future. I’m 9 months pregnant with our daughter. We have been happy the whole year weve been together. This blindsided me. I’ve started the no contact except for baby stuff but I am due to deliver her in less than 2 weeks and he is going to be staying with me for the 1st week after she is born. How do I approach everything then?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 15, 2019 at 1:30 pm

      Hey Haley, are you broken up? I think this situation is a difficult one for couples to deal with, is marriage that important to you that you want to get married. Did you guy say he didnt want to marry YOU, or didn’t want to get married. If you’re broken up then you complete a limited no contact, allow him to come to the birth if you’re comfortable with that and then back into your LNC

  4. Avatar

    Marie

    September 13, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    My ex told me that he doesn’t see a future with me when he broke up with me. He said he planned on moving two hours away in 7 months when his lease was up and that he didn’t see a future with me. We had been together a year and didn’t have any problems until 9 months in (a problem that came from the way his friends treated me). He also told me there were other contributing factors such as: he didn’t want to waste my time, and his depression and him thinking he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. I didn’t fully believe that because he said quite confidently he would be dating in 3-6 months and he then urged me to go out and find someone that could make me happy in a way he never could… This was crazy to me because up until the one incident we had been really happy. We were always happy, laughing/smiling and having a good time. The sex was great and quite active.

    I speculated he met someone else, and sure enough, 13 days after our breakup he added a new girl on facebook and she happens to have a career in the field he wishes he had gone to school for/he is obsessed with. How can I make him see I’m a good investment if she has one thing I don’t (that career)?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 15, 2019 at 12:36 am

      Hi Marie, so once you’ve done a no contact I would make sure that when you reach out you talk about his other interests, just because they share a career interest does not mean that they are well suited in other ways. Work on becoming ungettable and being the best version of yourself. This will show if you focus on your lifestyle choices and how you present yourself through social media and mutual friends

  5. Avatar

    Jane

    September 12, 2019 at 7:37 pm

    My bf asked me to move to Kentucky with him. Then two weeks before I was moving, after I sold all my stuff & left my job, he told me not to come. He said he was happier without me. I feel so sad. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 9:18 pm

      Jane, I’m sorry! Make sure you NC him and work on being the best version of yourself so he knows what hes missing!

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