Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.  

How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because that’s really what we’re here to do. 

So today, we’re going to be talking about what it means when an ex actually says that he doesn’t see a future with you. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shauntee, whose ex ironically has just said this exact thing to her. 

But before we get started, I do want to let you know, if you’re considering getting your ex back, the first place that you should always start is on our website, to take our ex recovery chances quiz.  

It’s a two-minute quiz that is simply designed to answer one question, what kind of chance do you have of getting your ex back? 

Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than working to try to get an ex back in a situation that is probably impossible. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of their time.  

So, we want to weed these types of situations out immediately, or help you improve the odds of your chances, but in order for you to understand that, you have to go to my website and take the quiz.  

So again, just go to Google, type in ex boyfriend recovery.  

My website will pop up, and look for the quiz there. There’s only one quiz on the website, and it is the quiz I’m talking about right here in the podcast. 

 

Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what your ex means when he says he doesn’t see a future with me, and I’m going to play a voicemail I got from one of my readers named Shauntee. 

The Listeners Question

“Hi Chris, this is Shauntee 

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because he said that he thought our relationship had reached a plateau, and that he really didn’t see a future for us, and that to continue dating me would basically be leading me on at this point. 

I’ve read through your website. I didn’t really see an example of a success story from that sort of situation.  

So, I’m just wondering, do you think there’s hope there, that someone who doesn’t think that you’re the one, may realize that they made a mistake, I guess?  

Like I said, it’s been a week. I haven’t spoken with him. I haven’t tried to contact him. He hasn’t contacted me. 

He’s actually not on social media, one of the very few people in the world. So, it’s not like I’m looking at his social media, or anything like that, or he’s not looking at mine because he’s not on it.  

I don’t know if there was another woman in the picture or not. So, I guess, like I said, my question is just, do you think there’s any hope for that at this point, for any hope for any reconciliation?  

Thank you.” 

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for having the courage to send me a voicemail, Shauntee 

If you’re listening to this podcast, and are interested in sending me a voicemail, you can actually go to my website, and actually, record a 30-90 second voicemail for me.  

Sometimes, I pick the best ones, or the ones that fit the criteria that I’m looking for, and I will answer your question on-air. 

He Doesn’t See A Future Together 

So today, let’s do a quick recap of Shauntee’s situation.  

It looks like her ex broke up with her about a week ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and says he doesn’t see a future together, says dating her would be like leading her on.  

Now, Shauntee is obviously very discouraged by this. She’s wondering if there’s still hope. Will he realize that he made a mistake? And interestingly enough, her ex doesn’t have any social media. 

So, when I look at your situation as a whole, Shauntee, there are two things that really stick out to me.  

Number one is, what the heck is going on in his head when he actually says he doesn’t see a future with me?  

I’m sure a lot of people listening to this are wondering that as well.

There’s nothing like having a man actually tell you what’s going on in another man’s head, and that’s what I’m going to spend some time doing today. 

But on top of that, I’m also going to spend some time helping everyone listening, and you Shauntee, understand how men make their commitment decisions.

Because I think, interestingly in this case, the two are kind of linked.  

So, part one of this podcast will be dedicated to figuring out what’s going on in his head when he says this.  

Part two is going to be helping you understand how men make their commitment decisions. 

So, let’s get right to it

Part one, what is going on in his head when he says he doesn’t see a future with you?  

All right, so first off, the first thing you need to understand is, does he believe what he’s saying?  

I would say yes, he does, right now. In this moment, he’s broken up with you, it’s still very fresh, he does believe that he doesn’t see a future together with you. 

Every man who breaks up with a woman, citing this, will believe that at the time, but interestingly enough, the one agent in life that you can count on is change. Feelings change, circumstances change.  

In many cases, anyone who says, “Yeah, he does not believe this,” they’re lying to you.  

Absolutely, he believes that he doesn’t see a future together with you. Why else would he break up with you?  

But what you are counting on, and it’s what I’ve seen happen in countless situations, is that change can occur, and he can change his mind. 

Now, let’s distil down a little deeper, and try to understand the actual process going on in his head. Why is he getting this thought?  

Well, in my opinion, I think he thinks that there’s a better alternative out there for him.

The thing you need to understand about men is, often when we’re making commitment decisions, we’re doing it based on a cost and benefit scenario. 

In other words, we’re looking for an opportunity that’s going to provide the most benefits and minimize the most costs.  

So, he’s in the relationship with you, and he’s enjoying his time potentially, because he thinks,

“I’m getting a lot of benefit out of this relationship and it’s not costing me much. My feelings are still into this,” but somewhere along the way, there was a catalyst, a catalyst for change. 

This is actually a technique that I use with my coaching clients, because what I find is, that a lot of the women who I coach, and also who Coach Anna coaches, will be a little blind to the real reason that caused the breakup.  

There’s always a catalyst, there’s always a turning point. Sometimes it’s not one singular moment, it’s a combination of many singular moments.  

But it’s important for you to be aware of what that catalyst is, that catalyst that turns things for the worst, that makes him think,

“You know what? This is costing me too much. There are not enough benefits. The benefits don’t out weigh the cost anymore.”  

So, it’s important to think back. In most cases it can be something as simple as a comment like, “Oh yeah.” 

My wife and I, interestingly … I’ll give you a really inline idea of this process at work. My wife and I often will watch The Bachelor, or recently we’ve been kind of getting a kick … at least I get a kick out of it … this idea of The Bachelor in Paradise, where essentially they get all these couples together on a beach, and you can only advance at the competition as long as you’re in a couple. 

There happened to be a woman and a guy who were really hitting it off. It looked like she liked him and he liked her, and then she made some comment.  

Now, the interesting thing, the trademark you need to understand here, is with The Bachelor in Paradise, they’re often introducing new people into the equation, and the new person has the opportunity to take someone out on a date.  

It just so happened that the men had the power, which means the men have these roses. 

I know this sounds like a ridiculous show, but the men have these roses, and they are allowed to give it to the women of their choice, to advance in the competition.  

Of course, the couples that were already together don’t necessarily stay together, because there’s always new women coming in, that are going to ask the men on dates. 

There was one couple that seemed really strong, and what ended up happening was, the woman felt a little insecure about the facts that there’s another girl that’s going to come in, that could potentially ask her man on a date.  

She got so insecure, she decided to test him. Her test was, “Hey, if you get asked out on a date, I want you to do what’s best for you. I want you to go on the date.” 

Now, the man was really into the girl, but this kind of took him aback, because he was looking for an actual commitment out of the person he was with, and it made him feel like the girl he was with wasn’t as committed because she was doing this test.  

And so of course, the girl, the new blood, comes and asks him on a date, and he takes it. Of course, the girl who gave him the test is in tears. 

This is all because the new alternative came in and he felt, you know what?  

Maybe there is a better alternative out there for him. This caused the catalyst for this dissension, this break up, so to speak.  

It can be something as simple as that, or something as complicated as, for 15 weeks straight you fought every single day. 

Those are the kinds of catalysts we’re looking at. Once you have those identified, you can get an idea of the moment he starts looking for alternatives.  

Think of it like this. If you look at the pros and cons list of being in a relationship with you, the second the cons start outweighing the pros, the second he starts looking for more alternatives. 

Now, does him saying this to you …  

Hey, my ex said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does him saying, “You know what? I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t see us being together when we grow old,”  

Does that impact your overall chances of success with getting him back? Not really. 

I know that’s a weird thing to say, especially after I gave all this evidence saying, “Yes, he does believe what he’s saying in the moment. Yes, he’s thinking there are better alternatives out there,” but here’s the trick.  

Thinking there are better alternatives out there aren’t the same as there actually being better alternatives out there.  

And if you listen to what I’m about to say, if you take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions, you can actually turn this in your favor, because the agent of change will occur. He can change how he’s feeling. 

You’re a week out from your breakup, Shauntee. The emotions you’re having, and he’s having, are at the highest state.  

So, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when people are in highly emotional states and tell you something, they’re doing it as an impulse reaction.  

That impulse might not be the same a year from now, six months from now, three months from now. 

So, let’s take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions. Because your ex, right now, is looking for a new type of commitment.  

Four Major Factors 

In my opinion there are four major factors that you need to take into account:

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Fear of loss

Let’s talk a little bit about each one of these.  

Satisfaction

How satisfied is your ex in the relationship he’s in currently?  

Alternatives

We just spent a whole bunch of time talking about this, but alternatives.

Is there someone else out there who can meet his needs better? 

Remember, when I view alternatives, or when your ex is viewing alternatives, he’s looking at a pros and cons lists.  

He’s looking to see, “You know what? This girl has more pros than cons, than the current relationship I’m in, or the current relationship I was just in.” 

Investment

How much money, and time, and emotional energy has he spent invested into the relationship?  

This is a really undervalued factor, and I’d argue it’s one of the most important, if not the most important factor to commitment decisions, investment.  

What we found is, as long as an ex has invested a lot of time, energy, emotional energy, resources into a relationship, even if that relationship is starting to become unsatisfying, even if the alternatives are ripe, he can still stay in the relationship because he feels like it’s a waste of his time. 

There’s nothing people like less than wasting their time, even if we spend all day wasting our time. 

And then finally,

Fear of Loss

Oftentimes to me, this is the agent that gets the action of commitment in play.  

It’s not enough just to be satisfying. It’s not enough to be the best alternative. It’s not enough to get his investment sometimes, or get his time invested into you. 

Sometimes, we find that when we teach our clients about this process, and they actually work to try to get a commitment from their ex, they do a great job of getting satisfaction, alternatives, investment.  

It’s not enough to push him over the edge. It’s not until he feels like he’s about to lose you forever, that he will take action. 

So, what does this mean?  

Well, when you look at understanding how men make commitment decisions, it gives you the game plan going forward, especially with an ex who says he doesn’t see a future with you.  

So, an ex who says that, is essentially talking almost about investment.  

He’s not willing to invest enough time into the relationship because he doesn’t think it will pan out, because either it’s become unsatisfying, but my guess is, he thinks there’s a better alternative out there. 

What are breakups, if not an admission that, “You know what? I think I can do better than you.”  

It’s your job, your mantra, to live your life in a way that he feels like he’s going to miss out on the alternative of being with you.  

It’s your job to live your life in a way, and romanticize the past for him, so that when he does start meeting other alternatives, other women, he’s comparing them to the bar that you set, and the bar that you set is so high.  

That is how you get a man to commit to you. 

49 thoughts on “My Ex Said He Doesn’t See A Future With Me”

  1. Avatar

    Emily

    February 20, 2020 at 3:31 am

    hey so me and my boyfriend of one year just broke up. i am completely heartbroken. he said he doenst want a relationship but is constantly reminded of me all the time and almost wandt to date again but sees no future. my friend talked to him and he was saying all that and that he just can’t see us in the future. we had a love that was stronger then anything and everyone looked up to us as a couple and we were both 90% of the time always happy together. but now im here and want him back asap what is the best way i can do that because i know he still cares for me and borderline loves me but he’s just not seeing anything

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Emily I suggest that you work on the Ungettable information and apply this to your life so your ex regrets losing you

  2. Avatar

    Sindy

    February 18, 2020 at 5:10 am

    Hi, my ex came back after 12 weeks after I text him. He’s with someone else with children but said as long as he gets to see me sometimes it’s better than not seeing me at all. We just talked for 3 hours. What do I do? His girlfriend is using social media to try and make me jealous cause she knows I’m his ex. We never seem to quite make it as he put barriers up. I’ve known him for more than 30 yrs and moved my life to be with him and then he changed his mind hence the no contact. What’s my next step? Or should I just use the be there method?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 11:03 pm

      Hi Sindy, so you need to complete a full no contact where you work on yourself for some time and allow him that time to miss you and not have you in his life! He does not get to end the relationship and still have you in his life when it suits him. Let him feel the loss of you. After your 30 days no contact and working on the Ungettable information then start following the being there method while dating casually

  3. Avatar

    Stephany

    February 3, 2020 at 9:42 pm

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago, we have been in contact on and off because he reaches out to see how I am doing. His reason for breaking up with me is because he says that the chemistry did not feel like it use to and that the relationship started feeling more as “friends”. Last week on tuesday he reached out to me to see how I was doing etc. and in the convo mentioned how it felt awkward texting me and when I asked why? he says because we have never been friends. I told him that I wasn’t looking to be his friend, and we kind of got into it. Just today we spoke because I reached out to him, when we spoke today he was telling me how much of a great person I am and that i never did anything wrong in the relationship and that maybe one day we will laugh or reflect on all of this. He says that “I’ll never say were over forever” and that we both need to work on ourselves and see how things progress naturally. I told him I didn’t want to lose him and he said I don’t but that we can talk the way we use to as in bf/gf. So at this point I am wondering will there ever be a chance for us again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 9:23 pm

      Hey Stephany, you need to complete a No Contact where you DO NOT REPLY if he reaches out! You need 30 days of ignoring him! This is how you get your ex to worry about losing you and that you might be moving on. If you keep giving him what he wants (speaking to you when he feels like it) this is the situation that is going to continue. Following this program it is essential that you look up what to do during No contact and what work you need to do on yourself in the mean time. Ignoring your ex is a good thing at this point. They get upset, they get angry, they even try to guilt you into answering because he does not like the fact you are taking away his option to speak to you when he feels like it

  4. Avatar

    Soph

    January 19, 2020 at 7:17 pm

    Hi Chris, Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, after a month of no contact he reached out to meet up and we met three weeks later cause I was busy. During these 3 weeks we spoke a few times and he used pet names, told me he missed me and did at times get flirty/sexual. When we met, we did have sex and he asked to meet again. Then I ended up talking about the relationship and asking what he wants ‘He didn’t see a future with us’.
    After he found out I was using tinder we got in contact again and had a few serious conversations where he said he wanted to send me a letter explaining everything about why he broke up with me. I chose to have a slightly serious text conversation about why our relationship ended instead and he said ‘at least now we know if something ever happens between us in the future’.
    We had a talk recently where he said he doesn’t know what the future holds but right now he was happy alone and chatting (he’s told me he likes talking to me multiple times). I said I get that but I’d want to eventually hang out and see where it goes and he said that sounds positive and we can take it as it goes and we decided to just talk for now. We’ve since had a quick light conversation where he goes he still wants a painting from me which he initiated.
    Our current conversations can easily have quite flirty/sexual tones. I don’t know how best to go forth cause I’m worried that I could just be getting strung a long. I don’t know whether to do no contact cause I just said I was okay with talking and seeing how it goes.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:11 pm

      Hey Soph so you have the option of keeping the conversation going as you are, and flirting with him to see if you can get a meet up, but I would also be on dating sites, or go on dates if you have guys asking you as he needs to know that he could lose you to someone else. He is happy talking to you because this way he knows you are not going anywhere, I would leave him waiting for a response from you for a while and not reply as quickly as you normally to do make him worry why you are not replying etc.

  5. Avatar

    Bethany

    January 14, 2020 at 1:53 pm

    Hi,
    For a bit of insight my ex left for uni in September and his parents moved 250miles away a week before he started uni. I work full time and also study on the side.

    He is 21 and I am 20
    We were in a 2 year relationship when we broke up

    My Ex-boyfriend broke up with me last week over FaceTime (he lives around 33miles away from me). It was out of the blue because the evening before he was expressing his love for me and why I was great for him. We had only seen each other two days before when he was up at mine. But on the day of the break up he was off and not replying to my messages. I think something might have happened the night before as I went to bed early as I had work but he went out with his flat mates.

    I had felt since he started uni that he was acting very differently I no longer felt important I felt I was the only one putting any effort in. He went back to his days before we started dating. He no longer expressed his feelings he hid them away. I was no longer interesting he only ever wanted me when he had nothing to do. His uni life seemed extremely boring to me just partying and drink (Which he told me he was over and ready to actually just get a degree – I know you can have fun at uni without alcohol or drugs as I have many friend in uni and my brother also started at the same time and he has a very different experience) and due to me being the only one with money I started to pay for more things so we could do fun things. But I would be very annoyed when he would spend the same on a night out that I did for us to go out together like see a movie or look around a castle. I felt like I put a lot more effort in and I expressed this and he started to get better he got a job he started coming up to me and taking me out.

    He was my first boyfriend, first love, first everything. When we met he had just come out of a very toxic relationship we a very horrible girl and now we are done I’m starting to feel like he has gone back to her.

    My family have all said he made me feel horrible the last few months they all said I have always been insure but he has definitely made it worse. When we were apart things would be very different and distant but when we were together it was amazing and so I would always say it was just the distance.

    When he dumped me he started with that maybe we needed space and that he didn’t feel happy anymore and that he felt he was leading me on as he saw no future with me. I had been upset this day anyway due to family problems and he also used this as a reason why he didn’t do this sooner. We said we would meet up in two weeks and talk through it properly. I want all my stuff I’ve payed for back now because at the end of the day the reason I bought it for him was because one day I believed we would share them together.

    We did talk about moving in together in the future only weeks before.

    But if he really felt this was over why did he buy us tickets to do to the theatre In March. Why did he help choose pick out matching phone cases with pictures of us on two days before he dumped me. I’m still very confused.

    I defiantly feel he as a person is very unhappy he has never had unconditional love and I think as it was getting more serious and difficult he stopped trying because nobody has ever really loved him or looked after him and I defiantly put even more effort in which I’m worried is the reason this break up has happened if I hadn’t tried so hard I think he would have stepped up but I don’t think I have him space too.

    I’m kind of hoping some people have had the same kind of experience. I think someone people can never change and I do feel sorry for him as everyone in his family has crashed and burned but I think in the end think maybe I wasn’t the right one for him I’m ready to grow up and I don’t think he is.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 12:09 pm

      Hey Bethany, its great how you have handled the situation from what you have said and maybe it is a case of you are ready to grow up when he isnt and he sounds as if he is going through some emotional struggles too. So I’d suggest a No Contact for 30 days and decide what you want to do regards to him in that time and focus on yourself for a bit. Also so it is clarified, when someone wants to end things and it is not in a heated argument usually they are thinking about it for a few days and that is more than likely why he was telling you how much he loved you the night before, because he was trying to convince himself all was well. Even though he was doubting it in his head. So know he probably does have feelings for you, but isnt able to do a relationship right now for whatever his reasons may be. Work on the Ungettable girl and decide if you want to try and get him back then follow the program if you want to get over him you can do this by following the rules for Holy Trinity and Ungettable girl still the same without reaching out to him in the mean time

  6. Avatar

    Abbey

    January 13, 2020 at 10:26 am

    I was going out with a guy for a couple of months, and it wasn’t serious but we’d discussed not wanting to date anyone but each other so I thought it was going somewhere. Until last night when he ended our situationship saying he’s really attracted to me, thinks I’m “perfect on paper” and that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him but he didn’t see us falling in love. He said he didn’t think he felt strongly enough for me – for instance he felt more excited to see his friends the other day than me which is pretty hard to take – and he thinks I wanted something pretty serious and he’s not sure so didn’t want to mislead me. I’m pretty shattered, it was early days but I saw such potential there. We both said we wanted to be friends and didn’t like the idea of never seeing one another again. I took it okay, but I feel like I could have done better in not saying things along the lines of “I wish you’d give it a bit longer” and trying to convince him that I didn’t want a serious relationship at the moment. So I waited 24 hours and sent him a “Clean-Slate Text” just apologising for not taking it better, saying I respected his decision and that I only wanted what was best for us both. He replied saying I handled it well, that he understood and that he was sure I would bounce back quickly. I have no intentions of replying to that and going for NC now. Do you have a recommended time period for it? Do you think we have an established enough relationship for this to even work? I’m aware that in the meantime I may just get over him anyway but I would like to think we might be able to resume as friends at the end of NC and then something might spark up again slowly.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 10:08 pm

      Hey Abbey, so if you are hoping to get him back then you need to follow the program and the direction it takes you, if you just want your ex back as a friend then you can reach out after you have completed a no contact, but make sure you are aware of the types of messages you should be reaching out with for the first time

  7. Avatar

    Katie

    January 7, 2020 at 5:10 pm

    Hi, I have been reading numerous articles on this website to try and find an answer to my situation.
    About a month ago, a week before Christmas, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me. We were mad about each other, he took me on amazing dates, bought me flowers, cherished me and treated me like a princess. I got a new job in November and so we spent a bit less time together but still tried to make it work. However, the break up was completely out of the blue and he said that a couple weeks prior he started to feel like “his head wasn’t in it and then my heart wasn’t in it” and he felt like carrying on would hurt me more than being honest. I was distraught and depressed for two weeks and begged him to come back so I ended up being the crazy ex. Then I found he messaged me again and said “I’ve had a think and I just don’t see it working out and it just wasn’t working in the end”. I don’t believe that intense a love that we had can go that quickly but I don’t want to beg or push him anymore because I know it’s not helping. I found this website and I’m two days into the no contact rule but I’m just wondering if you’ve got any further advice for me?

    I would have given him the world and we never argued, we were incredibly happy together and went out to different places and had lots of fun. I think that his decision is based on him being confused in his mind but I know that we were perfect together and I want to restore what we had. Please help, I’m at a loss and I don’t want to lose the person I love the most.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 5:03 am

      Hi Katie, I know it is awful and painful to be broken up with when you are in love with someone, but what you are not considering right at this moment that is not how your ex is feeling. That doesnt mean he didnt feel it at the start, it just means that he started to feel differently about the relationship. Its hard to understand, its hard to accept but if one person does not want to be in the relationship, we can not force them to be. Take some time to heal from the break up and work on yourself so that when you speak to your ex again you know you are at your best version of yourself and it will remind him how he fell for you in the first place.

  8. Avatar

    Ray

    January 5, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    I was dating a guy for 5 months exclusively (agreed at week 7/8). But he broke things off on 1st Dec. Saying he wasn’t feeling it and just didnt think there was enough there to make it work. We didn’t fight or anything, we both had a great time together (he was happy and bouncy around me, danced with me in the kitchen, looked at me the right way) but for that last week he just went cold. He would text everyday to see how my day went (he initiated) and we would see each other once a week (both busy schedules). I didn’t argue about the break up. I wished him well. Gave him a Christmas gift that I had already bought. Said no hard feelings. He texted later that night thanking me and apologising again that things hadn’t worked out. I replied Have a gd xmas. Be happy. I went NC. He didn’t reach out till Xmas Day. Really nice text thanking me again for the present and hoping I had a great xmas with a x. Wasn’t sure what to do. I didnt read it till Boxing Day, didnt reply till BD night. Just said You’re welcome. Merry Christmas. Left it at that. I guess I’m wondering if he was just being nice or if he’s missing me…Will he come back? He hasn’t contacted me again since 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 8, 2020 at 8:26 pm

      Hey Ray, so I would say its likely he may be missing you but you need to stop replying to his messages and stick to NC now you have to start again as of the day after Boxing Day. Working on yourself to become Ungettable to then reach out in the next 30 days as a better version of yourself

  9. Avatar

    Stephanie

    January 2, 2020 at 7:46 am

    Hello, i broke up with my ex 2 months ago. Me and my ex together for only 3 months but we were really in love and so happy we’re going to be serious about it and we had no fight, and i feel this is the relationship i really wanted. And then suddenly he said, his father didn’t agree with our relationship because of the matter of age (i dont know if there’s something else). I’m older than him 3 years old. After the break up, we still texting and he said still in love with me but he wanted me to move on if there’s someone better than him who can give the future. but i can’t. A week ago he said, he wanted to keep like this and who knows we can be together in the future (like in relationship) BUT without status. He didn’t want status because he’s afraid that in the end we can’t be together. But i’m confused right now, what should i do? i don’t know if he’s gonna be serious about it or not.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 1:36 am

      Hi Stephanie, so I advise that you life your life and amke sure it shows on social media that you are doing so as now you have had that conversation with your ex they now assume that they can ahve you back, without a title or real commitment, when they are ready. You do not want this as you are going to place yourself as a safety net. You need to make your ex worry that there is going to be someone else who is able to take you away from them, who is going to want to be with you. So while you do a no contact work on yourself, reach out at the end of your no contact but also be open to dating other people casually. No sex, just getting to know them and posting how you are out to dinner in different places this will make your ex feel the need to decide if they are going to commit to you or allow you to get to knew others

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    Sandy

    November 21, 2019 at 2:56 pm

    Hi Chris!

    My issue is kind of opposite to this. I successfully completed nc, worked on myself and all that. All of the sudden my ex texted me that there are past issues he cannot overlook and if we were to ever get back together, things would have to start from clean slate and he thinks to let go he would need at least a year if it would even then go away. Then he added that if his negative past experiences with me are forgotten, he’ll marry me on the spot and have kids and a house.

    HELP!! I am so confused with his message. What does he want from me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:13 am

      Hi Sandy, by the sounds of it he wants to get back together but what ever happend in the past needs to be removed / forgotten about. Only you know what he is talking about in that situation and I dont know how to advise further without knowing. If it is cheating then I assume he means that the situation or the person is out of your lives and not spoken of again.

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    Gargi

    November 15, 2019 at 2:16 am

    My boyfriend and I were in a 5+ years romantic relationship…He used to love me a lot and also respect me. Last year he moved to a different state and it has become a long distance relationship since then…He was talking about meeting soon…I told him that I have told about him to my mom and asked him when was he going to say to his parents.He became nervous and angry at that point.After that he didn’t contact.After four days I contacted him.He said he told his father about us and he didn’t accept so there is no future of us together and he wants to focus on career.He also said that “I am not saying I don’t want you,I don’t want the relationship”.After that I went through NC.After 7 days his friend messaged me that he is in pain… the next day he called me and wanted to have video call but I didn’t show interest…and after that he contacts me in a gap of 3-4days.One day he sent me a angry message for I don’t initiate contact.One day he shared his funny dance video with me…One day he said he miss me now..when I said i too miss him he changed the topic.After that I called him one day and said I am upset because I am remembering him…He politely said “Don’t think so much”…After that I posted a letter to him that I wrote before breakup but couldn’t send then…He messaged me 5 days ago that he has received it…After that he didn’t contact me.. What’s going on in his mind?What should I do to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Gargi, so it seems that when you do the NC he gets scared but you break it by answering him. You need to ignore him for a full 30 days without replying to him. You are just giving him the reassurance that you are still available to him as an option. Now as for his parents not happy about your relationship. I dont want to assume, but is it a culture thing? If he is not going to stand up to his family about who he wants to be with and they demand he focuses on his career or another love interest that they do approve of there is not going to be much you can do until he is willing to stand up for himself. You cant do that for him. You need to make sure you do the work to become an Ungettable girl in his eyes so that he feels like he lost you and does enough to get you back in a relationship

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    Mie

    November 14, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    My bf broke up with me 10 days ago he said he doesn’tsee a future with me.we’ve been dating for 14 months.we were soo happy we never argue even once he is a truck driver he visited me every fortnight but suddenly he rang me 10 days ago and broke up with me I still love him we still in contact but we are not talking about our relationship anymore we just talk just like a friend 2 days ago I found out he went back to a dating site what should I do now ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 14, 2019 at 11:28 pm

      Hi Mie, so you need to go into a NC and work on the program, read up about what the stages are and how to get an ex back. Learning and following the program is your best chance of getting you where you want to be

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    Karen

    November 13, 2019 at 6:05 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago, after a 5+ year relationship. We never really had fights or big disagreements during that time. Everything seemed to be going well and I was excited about the next step (getting married and moving in together). But he suddenly became hesitant about it. He said we were too different and one day, out of the blue he told me that he didnt see a future together and broke up with me. I was so hurt and havent contacted him since then, and neither has he. I dont think there is another woman involved and i do think we would be very happy together, but what to do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 10:36 pm

      Hi Karen you start with NC and focus on yourself while you get over the break up. But by the sounds of it he got scared of the commitment you were about to make, or the pressure of things got to him. As you were together for so long sticking to NC and living your life is key in getting him to reconsider his decision

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    Tatiana

    November 12, 2019 at 11:21 pm

    My ex and I were in a relationship for four years. We had that back and forth high school sweetheart relationship until it became solid our sophomore year and we stayed consistent up until this past July. He told me that it seemed we were just going with the flow and that he couldn’t really see us together in the future anymore. Just the month before, we were talking about living together and having a family; all things like that. We never really argued and were pretty solid. We’ve remained in contact and have been friends since, but his mind has not changed. Just recently however, he hooked up again. I know this wasn’t the best thing because I still have strong feelings for him. Should I start a 30 day no contact? He’s insistent on talking and calling at random times.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 11:30 pm

      Hi Tatiana, so if you want to follow this program and you want him back you need to ignore him for 30 days so yes start NC. Even though he wants to talk and calling you, he wanted a break up. Give him one!! Let him miss you, he doesn’t get boyfriend privileges when he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend. Avoid seeing him and and definitely no more hooking up with him

  15. Avatar

    April

    November 10, 2019 at 2:37 am

    Me and my ex were together for almost a year. We work at the same place but didn’t tell people cause he said he wanted to keep our personal relationship separate from work. We don’t work in the same department but do see each other every day at work. Anyway the whole time we were together he never introduced me to his friends never wanted to meet my friends and really never took me out anywhere. We usually hung out at his house but didn’t always have sex cause his mom lived with him. Whenever I would bring up about meeting his friends he would always say he just wanted to take things slow cause his ex wife hurt him bad. He would say he didn’t know if he wanted a girlfriend but would always say he could see things going somewhere with us. After almost a year he ended things with me via text while we were at work so I really couldn’t confront him about it. He said he didn’t see a future with me and basically left it at that. We broke up 5 months ago and haven’t talked or texted since he ended things. I know he led me on and didn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But there is still a small part of me that wishes he would reach out and say he’s changed his mind. Realistically I know this isn’t going to happen but how can I get completely over this and move on. It’s really hard cause I have to see him everyday.

  16. Avatar

    Aure

    November 6, 2019 at 10:45 pm

    My ex broke up with me suddenly after a party, drunk. He said he’ll never love me. I didn’t understand as everything was going well in our relationship. 2 days after he apologized and said he was lost, too busy with work and that he didn’t think he could manage our distance relationship and his work. That he overreacted that night but at the end he still think he can’t invest more and that he fears the engagement etc.
    I first keep in touch and now I’m in NC since10 days but no news..

  17. Avatar

    Cily

    October 31, 2019 at 2:36 pm

    My ex and I have been together 1,5 years. I was not very interested in him at first but he was persistent in getting me and in the end I agreed to give it a try. After a while I fell in love with him too. We’re from different countries and I went with him to his parents many times and vice versa. He often talked about marriage and children with me and seemed to want to live in my country. We are both very passionate and have had many quarrels. Often they’re triggered by his or my insecurities. I have fairly low self esteem and have strong jealousy. He also had strong jealously towards my exes although I didn’t have much contact with them. We have broken up twice recently because of quarrels brought on by my insecurities. I am constantly seeking reassurance and proof that he loves me and if I don’t get enough of it I freak out. The first time we broke up I initiated it and stormed out of his apartment. I regretted an hour later and begged him to take me back. He wouldn’t. A week went by with no contact. Then he wanted his stuff and keys back. I met him and told him I would change and promised to be better. He was reluctant. Another week went by with no contact. Then he messaged me asking why I had been silent and that he wanted me back. He said life without me would be horrible. I agreed to get back together and we stayed together approximately two weeks before pretty much the same situation happened. But this time he wanted his stuff back immediately. He said he didn’t see a future with me anymore. He said I was his dream girl when we didn’t quarrel but that he didn’t want these ups and downs anymore. I didn’t beg to have him back this time and we have been no contact for almost two weeks now. He changed his profile picture to not include me anymore after one week of no contact. He had his birthday during this time but I didn’t congratulate him since I wanted to keep no contact. I know this relationship sounds very dramatic but I really love him and feel very strongly that we should be together. Do you think that no contact will work this time and that he’ll change his mind again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 12:14 am

      Yes giving No Contact a go and doing it properly and working on yourself in that time is what is really important, learn about the Holy Trinity and do the work to improve the factors in your life.

  18. Avatar

    Em

    October 18, 2019 at 10:49 am

    Help! My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago after a 3 year relationship. We have been no contact ever since apart from once (my gran died). I have been going over and over everything I did wrong in the relationship and am totally blaming myself for the whole thing. I feel racked with guilt. I nagged him all the time and questioned him because I have deep rooted trust issues (no reason not to trust him) it got too much and he couldn’t see a future with me so he’s walked away. Do I continue no contact or do I message and tell him I’m so sorry and that I’ve realised in hindsight that I shouldn’t have done all those things? We were so good together it’s such a shame we have ended but even more so a shame we have ended because of my actions. How do I show I would change if we aren’t speaking? He doesn’t use social media. Pls help and advise

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 8:51 pm

      Em a relationship is a two way street so it will not just be you that made it not work. Stick to the end of your NC and don’t bring up the past you need to have a new conversation that is going to be about his interests and get him wanting to talk to you. Conversations about the past is only necessary if he brings it up when youre talking about getting back together but in that time you will have shown how youve grown by then

  19. Avatar

    A bit confused

    October 16, 2019 at 2:25 pm

    Hi, my guy and I formally ended things a few days ago. We weren’t in a serious relationship, but we went a couple times before school got out four months ago. I ended up working the summer in the country where he lives, so I saw him a number of times. We kept in close contact, I stayed at his home and even met his family (not as a formal thing, just because he was kind enough to let me crash at his). During that time he had told me he wanted to continue seeing me back it school, that he really liked me, etc. The only problem was that I wasn’t ready to have sex with him; that’s relationship territory for me and we weren’t there yet. We didn’t see totally eye to eye on that, but I thought we were both okay with just fooling around for now. Upon returning to school, he was completely normal and asking to hang out, watch movies, grab drinks, etc. When we did eventually see each other, the next morning he was odd and mumbling things about how he would be going back to his home country after the year and didn’t know if furthering a relationship with me would be worth it just to be heartbroken later. He then cut himself off saying it was too early to be having that conversation and to forget he said anything. Of course I couldn’t, and the next time I saw him I was acting off. I had intended to just drop some passes off, but he turned it into a two-hour hangout in his room, of course pushing to make out and such – he seemed normal. I still felt weird and wasn’t really into it, and the situation was awkward when I did leave. Fast forward two weeks later, I hadn’t heard from him at all, finally asked him to coffee and he eventually said that he just doesn’t see anything romantic with me. Everything was perfectly amicable, but I’m confused since I’d had it in my head for months that we would continue seeing each other here – we have 8 more months together here, after all. Since this wasn’t a serious relationship I’m not sure what to do. I miss him and want to go back to how we were before it got weird, I like him and we get along really well. Any advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2019 at 4:17 pm

      I think taking some time apart will help you and while you’re doing the NC you need to work on yourself and be open to flirting with other guys and showing interest in new people. Showing your ex that you are not going to wait around for him. The fact he doesn’t want to commit to you fully you need to make it clear you’re standing by your words and not giving him sex if you are not in a relationship

  20. Avatar

    Caroline

    October 3, 2019 at 11:14 am

    My husband of 12 years just broke up with me 2 days ago. He has moved back to his mums whilst I stay at our house. 3 months ago he had a mental break down but did not seek treatment. After agreeing to non contact at that time he texted me after 3 days saying he missed me and suggested booking a holiday. We went on the holiday and had an amazing time. I said that I found it difficult to trust him after this and he wrote a whole letter telling me how much he loves me and that he will spend the rest of his life proving that he can get the trust back. 2 weeks later he started drinking again which was a major problem over his breakdown period. He made a commitment to not drink until his mums birthday and he had already gone out twice in that week to drink. That night he said he was only going for one drink but came back in at 2am! I texted him saying I wasn’t ready for this at the moment because we were building the trust again back in the relationship and I needed a bit more time. I also said that he made a promise not to drink. The next 2 days he stops communicating with me. He didn’t come home on the Monday night and by Tuesday he had broken up with me. He said that he didn’t see a future with me and that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore and that if he were to see me with another man it wouldn’t bother him and he doesn’t feel like he wants to fight for the relationship. We have both agreed not to talk. Do you think I should just give up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 3, 2019 at 10:16 pm

      Hi Caroline, so its totally your call if you want to give up. But you can give this program a go to give you your best chance of getting him back if that’s what you want to do. You in the mean time need to work on you and be the best version of yourself. When we get into long term relationships we fall into patterns and get predictable, start doing interesting and adventurous things that he would never think you would do. And post to social media and any mutual friends WILL tell him what you’re doing.

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