You have broken up with your ex-boyfriend and are probably wondering if he is thinking about you, whether he misses you, if has he forgotten you and why he hasn’t text you.
You might be questioning why he is acting strange and considering if it is pointless to even try to get your ex back. Things are rarely pointless and to explain why this article is going to talk you through it
- Your situation
- The emotional roller coaster
- How men deal with breakups
When a couple breaks up, it is a confusing and painful time for both parties but more often than not one person is left suffering more, and that is the first area we are going to talk about.
There are three key factors involved in identifying if your ex-boyfriend is still thinking about you and to what extent.
The first is how long you were together, it might seem obvious but the longer you were together the more he is going to think about you after a breakup.
If you were with someone for several years, then your ex will miss you more than a relationship that lasted only a few weeks.
That’s not to say your ex will not miss you at all if you had a brief relationship, however you should be mindful that a sense of infatuation is easier to overcome than deeper feelings of love.
The next important factor to talk about is who initiated the breakup. Generally speaking, the breakup is easier for the person who initiated the breakup.
This is due to a number of different reasons.
- They accepted the idea of being alone BEFORE the breakup.
- They are less invested in the relationship than the other party, hence the breakup.
- They likely have other distractions such as work or school that contributed to the breakup.
I would say there is perhaps one exception where your ex may miss you more than you miss him even if they initiated the breakup….. this exception is if you were caught cheating on them.
If this is the case your ex-boyfriend will miss you but those feeling will also be tainted with anger and hurt by what has happened.
The final factor in establishing if your ex is thinking about you is how long it has been since the breakup.
Your no-contact period will do wonders to make your ex miss you…. This is because you actually have to disappear for someone to miss you, you don’t miss people when you hear from them all the time.
At the start of your no-contact period your ex will not miss you much but as you progress towards the end he will miss you and think about you more and more.
We know on average it takes an ex-boyfriend around 60 days to get over a breakup. Your ex will tend to think about you the most around the 21-45 day mark after the breakup. For this reason, the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery plan recommends you do around 21-45 days no contact. Beyond that point in time, the closer you get to the 60-day point the less your ex is going to be thinking about you.
After 60 days your ex is likely to be over the breakup but you can re-attract him back to you, there is still a possibility that you can win him back.
Now that we have discussed the rough magnitudes of scale when it comes to your ex-boyfriend missing you, I want to move on to the next area which explains how his thoughts and feelings towards you will change as time passes
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Recently I touched on the concept of being on an emotional roller coaster after a breakup. This idea is based upon something called the Kubler-Ross curve of grief.
After a breakup a person experiences similar feelings of loss as grieving, so using this is particularly relevant to a breakup scenario.
When a couple breaks-up both people go through the same spectrum of emotions in the same order as can be seen in the diagram below.
This diagram shows the whole range of feelings a person goes through during a breakup.
There are 7 different feelings your ex-boyfriend will go through, each with its own unique set of characteristics. Sometimes a person can flip flop between the boundaries of stages but a person would never go from the end of the roller coaster to the beginning again.
This is a feeling of numbness or a kind of emotional paralysis where a person might not feel anything other than a sense of surprise. It can last from a few hours to a few days.
This is that period soon after the breakup where you convince yourself that everything is fine and that the situation will go back to normal, perhaps you think that your ex will pick up the phone and ask to get back together as though it was only a misunderstanding. You may even avoid telling people about your breakup in-case the situation is remedied quickly.
Not everyone experiences anger or blame on the emotional rollercoaster but it is common.
This can either be anger at your ex or with yourself. During this stage, an ex-boyfriend can sulk or lash out at you or other people, often with a subsequent apology. It is usually paired with finding ways to blame you for causing the break-up…. Often stating you drove him to break up with you by something you did.
This stage of anger and blame can last a couple of weeks or more and there are several articles on the website to help you deal with an angry ex-boyfriend.
This is the time after the breakup where you try to cut a deal with your ex. Perhaps you promise them you will change and things will be different.
This usually manifests itself with begging or pleading.
Sometimes this might even be bargaining with yourself or God or fate that your breakup is temporary.
This stage involves an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness as you would expect and is a normal part of a breakup. It is now, that your ex-boyfriend realizes the magnitude of the situation and the breakup.
This stage also involves feelings of guilt and regret for the things that may have been said or done before or after the breakup. Often a person will wish they had done things differently and long for an opportunity to turn back the clock.
The stage of depression and regret is the point at which your ex-boyfriend will miss you and think about you the most. It usually occurs around the 21-45 day mark and coincides with the end of your no-contact period.
Trying to move on
This is the point at which a person starts to experiment with being single, they start to feel ready to recommence a new life. This might involve taking up a new hobby, making new friends, finding a new job etc.
This stage is about figuring out what life is supposed to look like now you are single again.
The last stage of the emotional rollercoaster is acceptance. At this point, your ex-boyfriend will realize that life is probably not going to be the same again but has hope that life will be ok.
Now there are some slight differences in the roller coaster depending on who ended the relationship. The stages of shock and denial come before the breakup for the initiator and if your ex broke up with you…. that means him.
Why is this?….. Well before someone breaks up with you, they tend to think about it for days, weeks even months beforehand, just to make sure they are 100% certain they want to end the relationship. This means that if your ex was the one to break up with you, the shock factor of the breakup isn’t there and the denial stage has often been surpassed as they tried to make the relationship work before leaving…… It makes sense when you think about it.
When you look at where your ex (blue line) is on this second chart compared to you (orange line), you will see that he has already started the rollercoaster before you broke up and you are in fact trailing behind him.
Don’t worry because this is not a problem, men and women tend to heal at a different pace but things eventually synchronize up. Try not to panic that your ex seems to be racing away, as you will soon catch up.
How men deal with breakups
Many of you might be wondering if your ex is thinking about you and going through an emotional roller coaster as he seems fine.
A man’s way of coping with a breakup is different to how a woman would deal with it.
You might be considering how he can appear to move on so fast after your breakup…..It may surprise you to hear that even if your ex appears to be moving on extremely quickly, he is still thinking about you.
Here is a list of the different methods men will use to try and get over a breakup. Pay close attention as they can help you identify where about your ex-boyfriend is in the recovery process.
A lot of you will find this really frustrating and wonder why your ex-boyfriend can’t just communicate like an adult.
Men aren’t encouraged to talk out their problems and deal with how they are feeling. Men learn that the “done thing” is to bottle it up and internally manage their problems.
Often it can seem like your ex is over the breakup because they are ignoring you. In fact, the act of ignoring someone is a sign of anger. Holding onto a grudge is an active decision that takes energy and as such, that means your ex still has feelings for you.
Is it a bad thing that your ex is holding a grudge?…… Well, it’s obviously not ideal but the fact your ex is actively holding a grudge means he still has feelings for you and is thinking about you.
When someone is over a breakup they have no unresolved feelings, they feel indifferent, it is indifference that is the opposite of love…. So in a weird way, sulking is a sign he still cares.
When women go through a break up they have an amazing group of friend’s that they can call on for advice and support.
For men it’s a little different, at best they might be able to confide in their best friend. The advice he will receive is most likely to be to move on, especially if it has been more than a couple of weeks after the breakup.
Occasionally men will seek advice from their female friends but again this does not last beyond the first couple of weeks generally
For a man, there is a need to maintain their sense of masculinity and an appearance of self-control after the breakup. This limits the level of advice and support an ex-boyfriend can call upon after a breakup, because of this your ex-boyfriend may have to endure the breakup in relative silence.
Not being able to work through the breakup actually makes it HARDER for your ex-boyfriend to move on and stop thinking about you.
Even if your ex-boyfriend is thinking about you constantly that doesn’t necessarily mean he is going to contact you.
Why?….. there are several reasons.
Your ex will not want to look weak and reach out first.
He wants you to chase him
He has made a decision and feels he needs to stick to it
He doesn’t think you have changed
Rather than contact you, an ex-boyfriend is more likely to sit and wait for you to text him and wonder why you are not chasing after him during the no-contact period.
Exercising His Freedom
After a breakup you might see your ex-boyfriend turn into a party animal. It may seem like he is having the time of his life, maybe he is out drinking all the time and hanging out with girls.
Your ex does this to prove to you that he can have a great time as a single guy, the problem is that your ex-boyfriend will quickly discover that partying all the time will not help him to overcome how he feels after the breakup.
Exercising his freedom serves a few purposes, it helps him prove that you have no control over him, it can also be used to make you jealous or even hurt your feelings.
A man tends to exercise his freedom the most in the lead up to the depression stage. This is because the permanence of his singledom has not yet set-in and he has not felt the full force of loss after the breakup.
You may well find your ex-boyfriend lashing out at you after the breakup, being mean or saying hurtful things.
This can also include your ex being mean, hurtful or aggressive towards other people in his life.
This lashing out is caused by an inability to effectively deal with floods of emotions, and eventually, the stress of this bubbles over into arguments and fighting.
An ex-boyfriend is mostly likely to lash out at you or other people between the stages of denial and depression.
Beards and underpants
I know it can sound like a bit of a cliché but women can eat chocolate and ice cream when they are sad. They can go get a manicure, or talk things through with their friends. Women can have a make-over or indulge in a bit of retail therapy…. All fantastic ways to make you feel better when you are depressed.
The male equivalent of this is growing a beard and sitting at home in underpants watching TV. This is another way to both exercise freedom from your control as you aren’t around to nag him anymore.
The beards and underpants stage can also be a sign that he is struggling to look after himself without you and is feeling depressed.
The beards and underpants behavior can occur right up to and including the depression and regret stage.
After a breakup a man’s ego takes a bit of bashing and a man will want some female validation to lift his ego, this is to make him feel attractive and like a man again. This can range from flirting online with lots of girls to one night stands or rebound relationships.
If your ex-boyfriend is talking to other girls and dating again this can often be a sign of missing you.
Your ex may be using other girls as a way to distract himself from thinking about you and also to lift his spirits now he doesn’t have you around anymore. If your ex has a new girlfriend within the six weeks of your breakup then this is most likely to be a rebound relationship.
These tend to be short-lived, during his rebound your ex will hit pause on the rollercoaster ride of emotions as the new girl will act as a temporary distraction but once the rebound is over your ex will return to the roller coaster.
Will your ex still think about you when he is with the new girl?…. yes, everything she does will be compared to you, in fact having a rebound can actually make your ex miss you MORE.
Hitting the gym is often a guy’s go-to coping mechanism when trying to get his life back on track. It’s a good way to work off those feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness.
If your ex is spending a lot of time in the gym then it is likely that he is missing you. Going the gym helps improve his self-esteem and boost his ego whilst also providing a useful distraction from his feelings. Working out tends to happen after the depression stage and last right through until the end of the rollercoaster.
What Does It All Mean
It’s reasonable to say that your ex is thinking about you after your breakup. The more interesting questions are “How much is he missing me?” and “When is he thinking about me?”.
The best place to start figuring out the answers is by thinking about how long you were together, how long you have been apart and who initiated the breakup. This should help you establish how much he misses you.
To figure out when he thinks about you, have a look at the emotional rollercoaster and try to guess where he is. If you are struggling look at how men deal with breakups to get an indication of where he might me in the recovery process. This will give you a good indication of when he is thinking about you and how is feeling about you right now.