In episode 6 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we are going to be dealing with one of the hardest situations that any woman can find herself in after a breakup, being friends with benefits with an ex.
Now, before I really dive in to the show notes of this episode I have a favor to ask of you.
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Alright, lets talk a little about what is covered in this episode,
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Why Friends With Benefits Is A Bad Idea
- Men Like Challenges
- Why Women End Up In FWB (Friends With Benefits) Situations
- How To Turn A FWB Into A Relationship
- How To Re-Establish Your Value
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast
- EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?
- What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex
The FWB “Things To Remember” Game Plan
So this game plan consists of six things that you have to do if you find yourself in a friends with benefits situation.
Lets get right to it!
Obviously if you sleep with your ex you are going to be of lower value in his eyes so going forward DO NOT DO IT. Avoid it at all costs.
Making Him Commit
The only time that you should ever even consider sleeping with him is if he actually commits and actually calls you his girlfriend. If you have talked and are considered his girlfriend then you can commit to him.
Keep The Conversation Short
If you do talk to him initially keep the conversations short. You need to regain your value in his eyes. The conversations should be a maximum of ten minutes. Anything longer is pushing it.
His Last Relationship
In Joann’s case her ex boyfriend just broke up with his new girlfriend. Well, if he brings it up that relationship to her she should ignore it or act disinterested.
Redirect The Conversation To Something You Want To Talk About
When you do talk to your ex don’t make it all about him.
Feel free to take control of the conversation and talk about things that interest you.
Don’t Date Him… At First
If he asks you out on a date (which he will) then simply re-schedule the date to the next week. Again, this will raise value in his eyes and force him to chase after you.
I Have A Favor To Ask
I mentioned at the beginning of the episode show notes that I would really appreciate it if you went to my Podcast on iTunes and left a review,
Well, that is my favor.
Please, visit my podcast page, subscribe, leave an honest review and rating and that would help me out tremendously.
Thank you Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation!
Welcome to Episode 6 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We’re going to be talking about something really interesting today—friends with benefits.
Before I get into that, I’m going to ask a small favor of you. The Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you went to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left an honest review and subscribed. That would help me out tremendously.
I’ll leave the link to the iTunes page in the show notes for this episode. You can find the show notes at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.
Let’s get to today’s question from a woman named Joanne:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Joanne. I’m in my 50s. I raised two sons and took care of my parents. During this time, because I was so busy, I guess you could say I had a friend with benefits. Over the years, love developed but never anything serious. He doesn’t want a relationship.
About six months ago, he disappeared. He popped in and out. I found out that he met another woman and had a relationship with her for a few months. They just broke up. I know he’s going to call me. I’m doing the no contact for 30 days.
I’m going to the gym. It really taught me a lesson. I’m really taking care of myself. But I’m not sure how to handle it when he calls me. I read your books. I should know better but maybe you can help me with that. He’s also in his 50s. He likes to flirt. Thank you.”
Thank you, Joanne, for that extremely interesting question. For those of you who are listening and didn’t quite catch Joanne’s situation, I’m going to do a quick recap. Joanne has two sons and she’s been taking care of her parents. During this time, she kind of met someone and got into a friends with benefits situation.
She was in this situation for two years. He never really committed to her. Six months ago, he disappeared completely and she found out that he met someone else. After some time, she found out that they broke up. She has a feeling that he’s going to be calling her again soon. She really doesn’t know what to do.
This is a really interesting situation for a number of reasons. Before I dive into it, I want to give you a general overview of a friends with benefits situation. The first thing I want to say is that it’s never really a good idea. There are three reasons for this. Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out long term.
I’ve been doing this for a few years now. I can honestly say that, out of all the situations that I’ve seen on my website, friends with benefits rarely every works out. I rarely see a situation where a couple started out as friends with benefits and ended up getting into a relationship.
If you’re listening to this episode and you’re really into it, I’m assuming that’s what you want to have happen.
Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out. Reason number two is that men like challenges. Someone who is in a friends with benefits situation with a man is not a challenge. The man knows he can get the girl.
Let’s imagine that your “boyfriend” is comparing you to another girl. The other girl is essentially a carbon copy of you. She doesn’t look exactly like you, but on an attractiveness scale, you’re both at the same level. There is one big difference between you and this girl. You are in a friends with benefits situation with your “boyfriend” and this girl is not.
You’re not really committed to your “boyfriend.” This other girl is not in a friends with benefits situation. When he looks at the two of you side by side, he’s going to be more attracted to the girl he doesn’t have versus the girl he knows he can get whenever he wants. That doesn’t ever end well for someone in a friends with benefits situation.
Reason number three for why friends with benefits is not a good idea is that you’re more valuable not being friends with benefits. That ties back into reason number two. On my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I am constantly talking about the un-gettable girl.
It’s this idea where a man falls for a woman he cannot have. What is it about the un-gettable girl that makes her un-gettable? She has high self-esteem. She almost gives off this aura that the man can’t ever have her. It keeps the guy drawn to her. It keeps him coming back for more. Most importantly, she challenges him.
What about being friends with benefits has any of these qualities? Nothing. Friends with benefits has none of these qualities. A woman who is friends with benefits with her friend can’t be an un-gettable girl.
Now I want to talk about how women end up becoming friends with benefits with their exes. What drives them to do it? Obviously, there’s the physical aspect. In a woman’s mind, when she goes through a breakup with her ex-boyfriend, she’s thinking, “How can I get him back? How can I get him to commit to me? What do men like? They like sex. Maybe if I give him sex, he’ll one day wake up and commit to me.” Unfortunately, it never really works out that way.
This is hard to say, but some women just don’t have the self-restraint. They still have tons of feelings for their exes. The feelings are constantly there and they draw upon them. There is that physical attachment to their ex. It becomes quite easy to fall into a situation like that.
Then there is self-esteem. Some women have low self-esteem after a breakup. They want to feel wanted. He picks up on this and takes advantage of them in that way. This is the ex-boyfriend’s fault.
The question you’re asking is, how do I turn this around? How do I turn a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship? I’m going to give you a few key pointers on how to do this. I’m not talking specifically about Joanne’s situation yet. I will get to that later. This is more of a general consensus. Joanne, you can get something out of this but this is more for the general listeners.
My tip number one for turning a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship is not to have sex with your boyfriend. You need to take that off the table completely. The only time you should ever sleep with him is if he commits to you.
You also want to do the no contact rule. It’s like pressing the reset button on things. Women who are in a friends with benefits situation are not doing the no contact rule. They’re doing the exact opposite of that by sleeping with him. There is nothing valuable about a girl who doesn’t do the no contact rule after a breakup. She most likely will beg or find herself in a friends with benefits situation. That does nothing to help her chances of getting him to commit to her.
Another thing is having your own life or improving your own life. I talked about that in Episode 3 of the podcast. You’ll find a link to that in the show notes so you can go back and listen to it. I covered a situation for a woman who turned her life around. She was having a great life. All of a sudden, her ex came back into the picture.
She was wondering, does having your own life actually help you get your ex back? To put this in perspective, I think it had been years since she and her ex broke up. He came back and was telling her how great she looked and how proud he is of her. Doing this can really help you get your ex back. More importantly, it can help you get out of a friends with benefits situation and raise your value in your ex’s eyes if you are in that situation.
You need to flirt through texting, but if it gets sexual, you cut it off immediately. This final piece of advice is probably the best piece of advice I have. It directly ties into what I just said with flirting through texting.
Friend zone him. This ties into not having sex with him. You know how it’s called FWB? That stands for friends with benefits. You take off the WB and keep the F. Just be friends. Friends don’t sleep together. They’re just friends. You might find yourself in a situation where you’re asked out on a date by him. In this case, go on a public date. Don’t go on a date to his house. He’s just going to want one thing. We all know what that one thing is.
Those are my top tips on how to turn a friends with benefits situation into a relationship. Let’s turn our attention to Joanne and her specific situation. To recap, she’s wondering what to do when her ex calls her. She knows that he’s going to call her. He just went through a breakup. She was already in a friends with benefits situation with him. She wants to turn that around when he calls. What should she do when he calls?
I put together a specific game plan for Joanne to follow. I worked really hard on it. I think it’s a solid game plan. Joanne, if you’re listening, I would follow this. I think this will work in your situation.
There are six main steps to this game plan. They’re mostly guidelines to follow. There is not a specific order. You need to do these things. Thing number one is to have short conversations with him. They should be 10 minutes maximum. Then you cut the conversation off. Since you were in a friends with benefits situation with your ex before, he’s most likely going to try to turn the conversation to something sexual. You’ve already opened the door for him in that way. If that happens, don’t engage him with it. Try to find a good place to end the conversation. You don’t want to hang up immediately. Then he will think, “I scared her off because of that.” You want to wait two or three minutes before you say, “I have to go.”
Thing number two is that he just went through a breakup. If you’re talking to him and he brings up his last relationship, just act disinterested, but not in a way where you’re rude about it. Simply turn the conversation to something you want to talk about. If he brings up his last relationship, act disinterested.
Thing number three is to turn the conversation to something that you want to talk about, something that interests you. This is not all about him. It’s about you, too.
Here is thing number four. You were in a friends with benefits situation with him and you two slept together. You already opened the door and he is probably going to want this. At all costs, do not sleep with him. You will lose all value in his eyes. Like I said, you need to become the un-gettable girl. If you sleep with him, you will not be the un-gettable girl.
Then there is nothing about you that he can’t have, that he will strive to get. Men always need to feel like they’re winning something. We are competitive creatures. A girl who we can get, there is nothing valuable about her when you’re dating. Thing number four is not to sleep with him.
Here is thing number five. Obviously, you do want him back. The physical aspects of a relationship have to come back when that happens. Just don’t sleep with him until you get him to commit. It’s that simple.
Here is thing number six. This is a clever one that my wife gave me advice on. Don’t go on a first date with him. If he asks you out on a date, do not go on a first date with him. Make him reschedule. Let’s say he asks you out to Starbucks. He calls you up one day and says, “Joanne, I really miss you. I miss talking to you. Let’s go to Starbucks. Let’s catch up.”
I would consider that a date. Technically, it might be a hangout, but I’d consider it a date. If that happens, you can say, “Tuesday is not good for me. Can we reschedule for next week maybe?” That will raise your value in his eyes.
All of a sudden, you’ve put him in a position where he has to chase you or work for that date. Since you’ve already opened the physical door of being friends with benefits, he’s going to be more likely to chase you. In his mind, he wants those benefits. Obviously, you’re not going to give them to him.
You’re going to consistently put him in a place where he’s chasing. When you have him in a place where he’s chasing, it’s a way to kickstart his feelings. Maybe it’s a little bit unorthodox. Men are competitive. If you put him in a situation where he’s constantly chasing you, your value rises. All of a sudden, he thinks, “I have to commit to her to get the physical benefits.” He’ll start to consider it.
Those are your six guidelines to follow if your ex does call after the breakup. I really hope they help you. I hope all of the listeners enjoyed this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Again, the podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you visited the page for this episode and left an honest review on the podcast. It would help me out tremendously. You can go to the show notes to find that iTunes page, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.
I hope you have a great day. I will talk to you tomorrow.