By Chris Seiter

Updated on August 10th, 2021

Today’s episode is all about sex.

A topic that I have shied away from a lot here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Though thinking back I don’t know why?

You know what they say,

Sex sells…

Anyways, I don’t know if I have told you my process on how I choose questions to feature on the podcast.

Generally I go to my Speakpipe Dashboard and look through all the messages.

I listen one by one until something catches my eye (or ear.)

It just so happened that the question for today’s episode directly pertained to sex, something I hadn’t talked about too much on the podcast.

However, before I get to that I do have a bit of news.

“The Ex Recovery Headquarters” (AKA: my office) is going to get a makeover…

Here’s what it looks like right now,


It’s not too bad.

At least I have a cool desk in the middle of the room but it’s a bit plain and I really want to do a lot of cool filming sessions in the office. In other words, it needs to be very inviting and aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

Plus I got the “go ahead” from the wife to design it however I want so believe me when I say that I am going crazy and I have already taken the first step towards “pimping it out.”

Have you ever heard of a company called Impact Signs?

They design corporate office signs and they look pretty freaking cool,

signs logo 2 sign one

Oh, and they also design these amazing glass dry erase boards,

glass dry erase board 1 glass dry erase board

I think you see where this is going.

I decided to hire them to create a custom designed logo for the office but on top of that I thought it would be amazing to film in front of one of those glass dry erase boards so I hired them to create that for me too.

Here are the mock ups I have gotten back,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Metal Laminate Logo:

Screen Shot 2016-07-15 at 1.50.31 PM

The Glass Dry Erase Board:

Screen Shot 2016-07-15 at 1.50.24 PM

Pretty awesome, right?

Ex Boyfriend Recovery is moving up in the world. Anyways, you are probably rolling your eyes wondering when I am going to get down to business and start talking about the “sex episode.”

Well, I am going to do that right now.

In today’s episode we are going to hear from a woman named Natalie who had a very simple question,

Should I want to have sex with a man?

Here’s a quick introduction to Natalie’s situation,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Natalie’s Situation

  • She is seeing a guy and is confused as to what to do
  • The guy has made it known that he wants to have sex with her
  • She mentions that I recommend that you shouldn’t have sex until you get a firm commitment from him (FYI: she’s right.)
  • The guy seems like he is interested in getting to know her and he’s not just all about sex
  • She wants to know what his true intentions are

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • My thoughts on sex
  • The differences between men and women
  • Playing hard to get
  • Making a man wait to sleep with you makes him more likely to get to know you
  • The law of scarcity

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode


If you remember the last episode I made the executive decision that I would no longer just post the transcript for these episodes on the posts. Instead, I was going to format them and make them downloadable by PDF format.

I’m doing this to make it easier for you to digest and follow along as I talk.

Download The Transcript For Episode 49 Here

What to Read Next

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116 thoughts on “EBR 049: How To Handle Sex With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Julie

    February 13, 2017 at 5:34 am

    What if one of the issues was that I was feeling insecure in the relationship so our sex life went down hill – and sex is very much his love language. And I have one shot to see him before he leaves the country for awhile
    Would it be the best to play hard to get or is it better to leave him with an amazing memory?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 14, 2017 at 12:05 am

      Hi julie

      A good memory is in many different forms, if sex is the only thing you’re embarking on, and you’ll do it without commitment, he’ll probably remember the sex and not on wanting to commit to you, making him want to be friends with benefits with you because he knows you allow it and he doesn’t have to commit..

  2. Rebecca

    January 9, 2017 at 4:43 am

    Hello! My husband and I been married for 10 years. We’ve been separated for 3 months now because he is resentful of things and situations i did over the years and he kept them to himself, I didn’t know I was hurting him. From my point of view, nothing impossible to fix, but he decided to go anyway (he said “before it gets worse, because I do not want to hate you”). We love each other but he says he doesn’t know if he wants to come back home (No cheating BTW). We have a 6 year old daughter, so it has been impossible to apply de NC rule, and we occasionally have had sex because I start it, and he leaves anyway. I wish I’ve found you right after the break up, to apply all your advise, but I can’t turn back time. So… my question is: What can I do know to revert all my wrong actions to get him back although I make a lot of mistakes, especially the sex part? I have to say I´ve been doing the activities you suggest during the NC period (gym, working, my daugther, etc.) but every time I see him is like going backwards, all those feelings come back again. It is a difficult situation because we have a child.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2017 at 5:18 pm

      Hi Rebecca,

      You’re the only one who can really help yourself..So, if you dont focus in healing, improving and changing your routine, nothing will change. Don’t have sex with him. Yes, youre5 still married but situationally you’re not together anymore.. so, dont give him something that only someone who’s with you should get..check this one too:
      Get Your Boyfriend Back If You Have A Child Together

  3. Kiara

    November 15, 2016 at 12:17 am

    But what about the 21st? How do i act around him? Im so nervous about everything

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 15, 2016 at 11:20 am

      Just be civil, casual and polite.

  4. Kiara

    November 14, 2016 at 2:13 pm


    My ex and i have been broken up for about 11 months now. It has been such a complicated year, first of all we were together for almost 3years. He broke up with me in January, because he wasnt feeling right and didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. He was totally honest to me (we have a really close realtionship, we are always honest to eachother, and for some reason we both cant have no contact thing, because either i text him or he messages me and then after a while we would have a negative fight and he would say things like “this is why i dont want to be with you and etc…) and told me he kissed somebody while he was in Germany, at a club while he was really drunk. When we first broke he told me how sorry he was and how much he appreciates me and thinks that im the best girlfreind anyone could ever ask for. And since i sucked at the no contact rule, we would always talk, we go to the same uni, we would catch the train home, and the worst part about me is that we would go on nice drives, have sex, and sometimes i would even stay at his when his parents are not home and we would always sleep together. Its been 11 months and we were sleeping together, and then exams came and he told me he was bit over it, and that he has too many things such as fixing things at home and having things to do with his dad etc. ALl this was true because he would send snapchats, i was reallly worried that we would actually now loose contact because he is disinterested with having sex, (btw i still love him soo soo much and i believe that we have such an amazing relationship, BUT when we fight, it is not good at all, i start crying because he gets nasty and things turn out so bad!). Last week we had a fight and told eachother we wouldnt speak to eachother again, and i have not stopped thinking about him, i want to make it right, i truely believe that he cares about me alot. He use to be so obsessed with him, and after the breakup i guess i played easy to get and YES i regret it because he has become more and more less appreciative. we havent spoken for 6 days, and im thinking of taking on the no contact rule. to be honest this whole year since the break up, it never really felt like i actually broke up with him till now. i was at my lowest point last week, i think about him every minute and he knows how much i love him. we have been good friends this year (well not entirely because we were having regular sex). i just dont know how to do go on with life? i also think i may have completely lost my chance of getting back? i dont know how to go about with any of this. and also another reason why we would always see eachother is because we are in the same friends group, and in a few weeks we have a 21st and he is going to be there, and i dont know what to do, not that im scared to see him, but i just want my value back, i screwed up and it was all because i loved him so much. Before we got into a relationship he waited for almost nine months to be with me. We were young, he was 16 and i was 17 (7months apart) when we first got together, he worked so hard to be with me, and i know we were young and some of the reasons he says we broke when he gets angry with me is things like “i was young, i didnt know what i want”. I am now 20 and he is 20 in two months, i still love him the way i did a few years back. please give me some advice/

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 14, 2016 at 10:00 pm

      Hi Kiara,

      if you really want your value to rise again. Don’t ever become his friend with benefits again. Start improving yourself. Make new friends while maintaining relationship with your old friends. Go to the gym, volunteer, enroll in short course. Do new things and meet new people so you can make new friends. Honestly, You need to do at least 45 days.

  5. Grace

    September 29, 2016 at 6:22 am

    Hey how are you

    We dated since november to april perfectly, we had some fights and on and off twice (for like 5 days was the off. We were kimd of long distance, he hoes back and fwrd weekly, at that time it was mike 15 days) once on april Once on may only for a few days and we were back together. Then we stay together till beginig of june, brokeup out of the blue i was So sad. After that, we started dating again at begining of july til septemebr (in the same city finally, staying together for like 6 days in a row. He has babby kids son when he had hes kkids over to sleep i wasnt there obviously ) in the middle of august he hd 1 week of “crisis” were he went all weird like insecure of what he wanted. Then we were ok again together happy and then put of the blue he again came with hes bipolarity of not knowing if he wanted to be in a commited relationship (because he admit he chamge his mind like a crazy person, from morning to noon or from monday to thursday) he is just finishing his divorce. (At the begining from
    Nov to april he was CRaZY about me wanting to be so formal married and forever together) the thing is after the 2nd days of sept that ee broke up and he said he hd to figure out his mind and hving me in a roller coaster wasnt fair, we went no contact. My bday was 20 says after and he appear at midnight by chat saying he hope he was one of the 1st to wish me a happy bday. He was trabeling on my bday for work so the day of my bday, the day of my nday ask my sister to give me a kiss and stuff in his name and then wrote me if i got the message he sent me. Then we went no contact again for 4 more days and he came back from his trip and text my sister what were we doing a d they atarted talking and he said he wanted to have dinner for the bdays only if i go and he text me to say hi ans ask me if i wanted to go out to dinner with him and my sister for the bdays (her bday was close to mine) and he started kind of flirting and being super nice like in the bgeining but i play hard to get and when i finalmy said yes it was almost midnight so we didnt go because he was with his kids and didnt prepare because he though i wasnt going becaus i made him think that. He kept flirting kind if sexually too and the next day (last sunday) he kept texting me in the morning and all day super flirtinf, suoer like he missed me and i was great etc and i saw him after almost 30 days at my nephew bday party with his kids and he kept texting me the whole party and flirting . And asking if i could pamper him and stuff but we couldnt hang out that day bcs he was staying with his babies. Then on monday he send me a pic of my house at 5pm cause he was pssing throw and started flirtinf again and talking abt my look my eyes on the party the day before and how he was ashtonishe by how i looked at him ao deeply a d blablah. All day chating and flirting till he went to sleep. He was still with the babies (tje mother is traveling) and then on tuesday he didnt text me. Today Wednesday i texted him i answer inmediatly and the we talk he started flirtinf abt me pampering him if a offer and stuff and then out of the blue he said lets just avoid.. Is better take care. And i was like wtf? And he said lets avoid trouble problemas. Is better to avoid any aproach. and i was like i dont understand u confuse me and he said thats the thing i dont want to confuse you is best to avoid so we dont get both confuse. And i was like are u confuse? And he said no, thats why im saying this (maybe (i assume) meaning he is not confuse that he know doesnt want a relationship. After 3 days of flirting again) i felt angry and sad but inwanted to be smart so i just laugh and said “hahaha im nor confused at all. The only thing that confuses me is ur actitute now. I know u miss me and u aproche me and then you step back and get afraid and confise. And i know u wanted to see me but that doesn’t mean u necessaryli want sometjing serious. I know what u wanted this weekend and i know what i wanted too. ” so he got all curious and started asking what is it that u wanted. Thinking i just want sex (but i dont, i really care and im in love i just wanted him to desire me and to be intrige. Not to again HIM leaving me, and end thjngs with me by saying , lets avoid) and as men are basic he kelt texting si what is it ? U want to be pamper how? Sexually? And i started laughing and he was like u havent trll me what is it that u want and kept texting me arr u afraid ?? And i was like “never hahaha”. And then he strated flirting sexually and be like send me pics and stuf and trying to get me to say what i wanted but i handle it with grace and then he told me “wanna sneak in here?” At his house , and started flirting but i felt what happen in the afternoon was a big turn off because he made me feel i just wanted sex and in a way maybe he feels that bcs i know that, and i acted light chilling i know what u want, mayne he now feels no guilt abt doing that to me and it hurts my feeling but i didinnt want to be bitchy or needy so i pkayed hes game and made him felt desire but didnt go so he said “so ?? ” i didnt answer and then he said “well, then i will go to sleep” and i waited and then answer him “Late invite, im al ready home and tired laying in what you saw im wearing ..” ” interesting idea thought… i wouldn’t throw it out of the table… GN” what should i do know 🙁 🙁 i feel sad and unrespected and i want him to beg.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 30, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Hi Grace,
      I just wanted to make some things clear first. How many days did you do nc? And what day did you break it?

  6. Tanija

    September 11, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    So me and my boyfriend of 11 months broke up about two weeks ago because he said he felt like he was leading me on…. when we first got together our “honeymoon period” lasted for about 2-3 months and it was wonderful, but once we started having problems I became distant. I would give up on us and “shut down/ shut him out” because I didn’t know how to handle and work through them…. but he was patient with me and things got better. He was the only putting his everything into the relationship always making sure I was happy, fixing any problems we had, and just being the best boyfriend ever. Throughout the course of our relationship my ex (who is 3 years my senior) would often come back out of nowhere and we would have innocent conversations for a couple of days or so and it wouldn’t happen again till a few weeks later. At first my boyfriend was okay with it because I was completely honest with him about it and showed him all of the things we talked about so he was fine with it. But around the 3 or 4 time he started to tell me not to talk to him any more and I would agree of course but somehow I always Ended up talking to him again so I became more secretive about it his created more serious problems to I promised him I would stop…. and I did. After this I had an epiphany of some sort and I became completely transparent with my boyfriend we could talk about any and everything and I was putting more effort into making sure he was happy and I started caring about us more. But then in June I went to a waterpark with my best friend and coincidentally my ex was there. Him and my best friend were close friends so I couldn’t really ignore him so he was playing with us and I actually had a lot of fun. While we were there he texted my best friend about how much he missed me and how he wished he never cheated on me etc. we didn’t talk much at the water park because it was kinda awkward and I told my boyfriend everything that happened other than him saying he missed me and stuff like because I didn’t want any more problems/arguments to arise. So after I left the waterpark my ex texted me to see if my best friend told me what he said and I told him yes but that doesn’t change anything because I love my boyfriend. ( the last time I talked to him before this I cut off all ties with him because at a moment when I didn’t care about anything we made arrangements to have sex but less than an hour later I realized what I was doing and told him I couldn’t do it to my boyfriend so I ended all communication, I isn’t tell my boyfriend this either) so like I said our relationship was getting damn near perfect now and I began to feel guilty because of how good things were getting and I didn’t want his new era to be built on dishonesty so one day I told my boyfriend everything and was completely honest with him, answered his questions about it etc., just so I can get him to trust me again because who I was then isn’t who I am now. He told me hated me, called me a hoe, said that he’s done with me, told me how much I ruined him etc., and it really hurt to hear him say those things but I understood where he’s coming from so I was constantly calling him and begging him not to leave and he eventually decided to stay. Often he would bring up the things I told him and he would say he can’t stop thinking about those things and he fact that I could still be doing those things and he wouldn’t know it….. he said he couldn’t look at me the same and it even hurt him to talk to me otp…. that eventually got better but even a month later he seemed so distant in person. He barely talked to me face to face and he barely looked t me. We discussed this and I told him how hurt I felt that he could smile and laugh with other people but when it came to me it was barely words and eye contact. I invited him to com over that weekend so we could further talk about it but we ended up having sex and that was the first time I felt like he wanted to be with me in a month or so so afterwards I was sad because I knew after this it would all go back to being how it was so when he was getting ready to leave I kissed him as much as I could and let him hold me because I had a feeling this would be the last time. And it was ….. later that next week he told me that he felt like he was leding me on and that he had to force himself to to talk to me etc., so I reluctantly agreed to his decision to break up because we weren’t happy anymore and I was tired of feeling hurt all the time (even though I would endure that fair as long as it took) but he didn’t want to keep feeling like he was anymore…. so we broke up. I took it horribly because I truly love him and I want to show him that I’ve changed and that I would do anything to make him happy and for us to work this out. A few days later he was already talking to other females and seemed like he had already moved on. When my best friend who is also his close friend talked to him about this he said I was dead to him, that he doesn’t love me anymore, and that he doesn’t care about me at all she even did a 3-way call but he didn’t know I was listening in when he said Those things and I could hear the hurt in his voice. So I decided to give him his space when I stumbled upon this website. I am now on day 6 of NC. Do you have any tips or suggestions for me because I love him and I regret what i did and I want to show him that I’m different and that he can trust me and be happy with me again

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 13, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      Hi Tanija,

      cut all ties with your ex.. as in all, never go back to talking to him and then I think you should do 45 days.. Let him heal.. He has associated you to the negativity of what happened so, you have to show that you’re living life positively. And you need to check this: Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)
      EBR 020- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If YOU Cheated

  7. KCee

    September 7, 2016 at 12:30 am

    Amor, I think my confusion lies in the fact that he’s acting just friendly on the one hand but then the last two days as I mentioned he brought up some funny or cute memories of our relationship as well as having flirty conversations of a lighthearted sexual nature. However at the same time he’s not making plans to see me, (except for this coming Thurs. we’re meeting to look at a potential job) (But this is a necessary job related get together) I’m sure we’ll end up going for a bite to eat when done, which I’m going to treat as a “step one date”. I’m confused by his flirty behavior, (testing the waters?) as mentioned above, but then not verbally reconnecting with me or physically making plans to see me. It feels like mixed messages to me. I did just realize today that its only been one week ago today that he showed up to my house to return the vacuum and told me that he’s been missing me. Am I being impatient and expecting too much too soon? Or he is confused about what he wants. It makes it hard for me to know where things are and how I should respond when it’s so confusing. When he joked with me about such personal things I felt so encouraged and expected that he would at least want to see me in the next few days, but no invitation was forthcoming. And then as i mentioned in another post after the personal joking via texting, and i ended the conv. on a high point hopefully leaving him with wanting more fun and joking, the next day he seemed shut down and clipped in some texting we did about a job. Hes confusing me.Your insight please.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2016 at 9:38 am

      The length does have an effect..the longer it has been since the break up, less chances of getting back together but it’s not a hard rule. Like in your case, you’re going to be around each other even if it’s been a long time since the break up. So, there’s always a chance to keep the rapport intact.

      With his texts, maybe he’s missing the sex or he’s missing you but he doesnt want to jump in a relatioship with you again yet..

      with the texts, maybe he got upset because it was a flirty or sexy text but it didnt progress. You can pre-emp him when texting. Like saying you’re waiting for the train or bus so that when you say gotta go, he’ll understand or saying goodbye nicely like, sorry I need to continue (whatever you’re doing) suddenly. I’ll get back to you later! Make it light, so that he’ll think to himself that it would be silly of him to be angry..

  8. Tamy

    July 27, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    I need help , I realy dont know what to do. If i miss spell something im sory im not speaking English very well. I have bf for about 2 years and we realy love eachother and he is planning to marry me . Now heres the thing before him i was dating his friend for about 6 months we broke up becouse he cheated and we had a big argument and tpld eachother to never speak again. I didnt have a bf for about a year and i havent heard from my ex since.. we loved eacother very much but he was recovering from his ex and it just didnt work out i was yong etc.. When year passed he texted me to say hello and to say that he saw me and that i look realy great he said that he has a girlfriend that he is realy happy he said that he didnt realy loved me it was something else etc.. i said fine .. than texts began to be regular at the time i was single. He called me over and we had tallked for hours we had sex .. ( his girlfriend now was the one why he broke up with me and she said some realy ugly stuffa about me) i have never felt happier in my life when i was in a realtionship with him he also .. everything was so beautiful. I realy didnt love anyone as much as i loved him. And sex and seeing eachother became regular thing he opend up to me and was talking about his problems his gf problems and everything that he didnt told anyone even hes best buds or gf.. We became so close as friends and we saw eachother everynight.. that lasted for 3 years his gf cheated on him also and he began to disslike her the began to argue.. when it was second year i found this bf today he didnt like it he told me that we are never going to last that dude was only 2 times in his life sirious.. but that dude fell in love with me.. and there began problems.. i love them bouth so much.. bouth of them love me … my ex loves me .. he wanned to live his gf.. but i was not into that becouse i would hurt my bfs feelings… i began to love my bf much more but i lied to him.. my ex knows everysingle thing and doesent judge me he loves me for who i am… and i him.. nut my bf is old fashioned.. and i know he cant live without me he cryed lots of times… for me and he is like a “bad ass ” i want to spend my life with him but my ex i love him so much too.. i stoped contacting him for about few months now he tried to reach me but i told him it was over..he cryed he loves me so much and what i had with him coul never have with my bf.. but we have somting diffrend special .. but im confused… im going to marry my bf and plus on the wedding MY EX IS GONNA BE THERE.. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO… I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM BUT ALSO CANT LIVE WITHOUT MY BF IM GONNA DIE!! PLEASE HELP

    1. KCee

      September 8, 2016 at 2:20 am

      Amor, as I mentioned in my last post, the bf seemed very positive and friendly last week while we worked together for two days and friendly texts over the weekend. On Sun. nite as I mentioned in a prior post we were texting and he brought up something funny and personal and romatic. We joked back and forth and eventually I said I needed to go and would talk later. (My daughter showed up to pick up her dog which was the main reason i ended the text, but didnt explain that as i thought id explain when i talked to him later.She didnt leave until after 10:30 however, so I didn’t get back to him that night.) I didn’t explain why but I was friendly in how I said I had to go. As I stated in another post which I can’t find, he just said “Goodbye” even tho I had left him with a question. The very next morning I had to text him about a job related issue and he was very clipped and short and business like in his replies. Very different demeanor than I’ve experienced from him typically. He’s been this way for 3 whole days now, and isn’t reaching out to me except for job related stuff, once. It has felt to me that he’s mad that I ended the conversation when and how I did. It’s the only thing I can think of that has triggered his different behavior. I’m only surmising, but it seems like he thinks I was playing games with him. In the post that I can’t find, you mentioned me setting up an exit from a conversation a little differently. I can’t find the “guide” where you gave me that info. Regardless, I’m so confused by his shut-down these past few days. Don’t know if it truly is due to how I ended this conversation or is it possible that he just woke up Monday morn. and decided he no longer wanted to pursue anything with me even tho he initiated it and everything seemed good up until after the conversation on Sun. night. So my question is “What the heck do I do now? Should I do a mini NC for a week? Should I just wait for him to reach out and make no efforts on my part to communicate with him? If everything was fun and light and seemingly moving in the right direction and he’s not bi-polar (which he isnt) what else could be going on here? Today, I actually texted him with a lighthearted apology for realizing that I exited the conversation rather abruptly and gave him the circumstances briefly about why I did. At first he acted like he didn’t know which day or conversation I was referring to, but then admitted he did know and just said no problem, Thanks for being polite and apologizing. Haven’t heard from him since. Don’t even know if I should have apologized or if it made me look desperate and needy?. So again, what do I do with this and what could possibly explain his drastic change in behavior from a night of fun and personal texting to being cold with me for so many days?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 9, 2016 at 10:12 am

      yeah, it can be that text but you already apologized so, rest from texting now for at least 3 days. Let him think about it..

    3. KCee

      September 5, 2016 at 5:01 am

      Hi Amor, read this info tonight. I’ve commented on other pages, you’ll probably recognize my name. My question is …if the breakup was quite short and you were in a very active sexual relationship prior to the breakup, would that affect the amount of time that you would withhold sex after reconnecting. I initially would not not engage in sex with bf when relationship began until 3 months or so into the relationship. It was not until after he told me he loved me and I knew he had developed true feelings for me. He proved through his actions that he only wanted to be with me and for the 6 months of the relationship prior to the short breakup I never had a doubt that he was with me exclusivly. I don’t believe he has been with anyone during the 3 week breakup either. Also, if we’re only 6 months into a relationship, I don’t expect a marriage proposal, so what would he need to say to me exactly for me to feel he has committed to me? His ACTIONS prior to the breakup said that to me loud and clear but he is not one to spell things out verbally. Also, during the 3 months that we didn’t have sex, in the beginning, it was quite difficult to restrain from it on both our parts. We were very sexually drawn to each other. He was very respectful in that he never tried to push any other forms of sexual contact with me until I decided to have sex. But it was definately my decision to withhold it for that long. He eventually became very frustrated at times while still being respectful. I am a little concerned that by withholding it now after the breakup that he’ll feel like we’re going back down that same frustrating road and will feel upset with that. LIKE “NOT THIS AGAIN” We tried to stay away from frustrating situations during that no sex period, but it was hard and we did do a lot of kissing which led to the frustration.
      Does the commitment have to be a verbal “Statement” even if that’s not the nature of the bf and especially if he has commitment fears that make it hard for him to verbally express that. If his actions speak “Commitment” is that viable. And again, does the length of the breakup correspond to the length of time you should wait to resume sex. Does it have more to do with his actions than spelling g it out verbally. I want to be very careful how I handle this as I cannot handle friends with benifits.. It would damage me, as I believe sex should be shared when there is love and commitment. Thanks for answering all requested questions Amor. You are so great and I appreciate your comments so much.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 6, 2016 at 5:58 am

      Hi kcee,

      sorry for the late reply. Dont worry, I do reply to all of the comments, so when you dont have one yet, it means I havent reached yours yet.

      It would be better if you dont read too much into his actions so that you dont get dissapointed.

      It’s either he will ask to go back with you immmediately after being silent, he’ll be testing the waters first or he’s just being friendly.

      If you’re expecting too much and he’s still testing the water, he’ll feel pressured because in some way you will convey your frustrations to him and then he’ll realize your actions are the reason he’s not ready to go back with you.


      If he’s just being friendly, then instead of attracting him back, you’ll confuse him because of course you’ll get frustrated with him while he has no idea why. Because he’s not doing the things he did because of the reasons you thought, he’s just doing them because he’s being friendly.

      Start to act from those two point of views. Let him be clear of what he really wants. If or when he has feelings for you again, he has to think that he has to verbalize his feelings for you because if he doesnt, he might lose you.

      So, that means no sex until he really says you’re back together. Because if it’s just actions and then you’ll have sex for that, that would be easy for him to get sex from you without committing. He’ll just be extra sweet and say sweet words in the right moment and then after he gets it, he’ll say he’s not really sure of what he feels.

    5. Tamy

      July 27, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      AND ALSO i cant tell my bf anything he will judge me he is very old fasion..

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Hi Tamy,

      even if he’s not old fashioned, any guy will be angry if they found out what happened and then you’re still talking with that same guy.. the first guy didn’t really love you.. you had a very good connection but true love respects.. he just used you because he didn’t leave his gf and committed to you..

      and you have to be honest with yourself too. do you love your new guy now or you just love the feeling of being loved? If the current situation is bothering you, how would handle everything once you’re married? Are you going to keep this a secret forever?

  9. EBR Team Member: Amor

    July 25, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    you’re welcome 🙂

  10. EBR Team Member: Amor

    July 22, 2016 at 11:52 am

    take it easy… as he said take it slow.. so for now, go back to the activities you are doing and maitain that you have your own life.

  11. H

    July 20, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Hey! I wrote on here before, but quick recap. My ex and I broke up back in 2014 and we have been in nc for a while and recently started talking again. Quick question, so my ex asked me out on a date last week, so we went to the movies and then he took us to our special park in our neighborhood where we had our first kiss and anniversaries. He later told me that he actually really missed me and was thinking of getting back together with me. However, he hasn’t officially asked me yet. We ended up kissing and other stuff but no sex cause I told him I wouldn’t. We’ve been texting for a few days but he stopped replying yesterday maybe cause he got caugt up with work. This is what he told me cause I brought it up since it happened before. He basically isn’t that big on texting since he can’t during work and he prefers calling. Now I’m not sure how to approach this situation. How do I build more attraction and get him to actually commit? Also how do I get him to talk to me on the phone. I read your previous article regarding this topic but my main question is how often should you call him and do you have to send a text leading up to the phone call each time? Thanks:)

    1. h

      July 24, 2016 at 10:33 pm

      Also there is one more complication. So I’m actually going to be studying abroad for the semester starting in september. Since he stopped texting me, should I just let him be until I come back from my trip in December or should I still try to build attraction through texting and see where it goes? Im not sure if I want to start anything before I go, because Im scared that starting a relationship as a long distance might interfere and I feel like he’s not too keen on LD relationships but i’m not sure what he feels about it now, I do want him back though. I haven’t told him i’m leaving yet, since it hasn’t come up yet and we only went on one date on Friday 2 weeks ago. We texted that weekend after the date but he stopped replying last Monday. So how should I approach this situation? I really do want him back and it was going really well until he stopped talking. Your advice is really helpful and I hope you give me some insight into this please:)

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 27, 2016 at 6:55 am

      I think you should just be friendly..but to avoid being friendzoned,.don’t always be too really makes a difference when you have your own life and you maintain yourself because it keeps him interested.. use a story with a topic that he likes but also current.. if he likes pokemon something about that and then later on use that as a topic

    3. h

      July 24, 2016 at 5:41 am

      Thanks for the help! One last question, what kind of text should I send him after my 1 week nc? Do you suggest I use: the story, good memory or i found an old pic of us the other day text?

    4. h

      July 22, 2016 at 8:18 pm

      Also I didn’t get a reply regarding whether I should still reach out to him after 3-4 days or if I just do nc for a week. If you could answer both of the questions, that would be really appreciated! thanks for the help:)

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2016 at 9:46 am

      nope,.you dodn’t ruin it totally.. i think it’s better if you do 1 week nc

    6. h

      July 22, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      thanks for clarifying! so do you think i ruined my chances of getting him to re-commit if we did fool around?

    7. h

      July 22, 2016 at 3:05 am

      *since he did mention that he was thinking of getting back together, why do you think he hasn’t asked me officially yet? And what should I do to make sure he does commit?

      Sorry, just wanted to clarify
      Thanks for the help again!

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 6:26 pm

      it’s ok.. by fooling around if it’s still sexual, yes it’s like oral, or touching the intimate parts..if it’s just kissing,.nope..

      he’s not sure yet…so, don’t rush him and listen to this too:
      EBR 021- How To Make Him Re-Commit To You

    9. h

      July 22, 2016 at 3:03 am

      Thanks for replying Amor! So does fooling around count as sex? And should I wait a week or go ahead with the 3-4 days before messaging him again, since we did fool around and I still want him to see me as ungettable girl. I have really improved my life and he even mentioned my progress on our date. Also since he did mention that he was thinking of getting back together, why do you think he hasn’t asked me officially? Thank you for all of the help again:)

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 2:45 pm

      Hi h

      sorry, I just havent reachednyour comment yet.. continue your own activities..let him breathe from texting and then initiate of after 3 or 4 days he still hasn’t texted you yet

  12. Friends or FwB

    July 19, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago. I finished NC… Built rapport (he kept msging me he wanted to remain friends during NV and not lose me from his life during NC which I ignored and was quite mad after NC)… Met him several times… Tried to use seduction to reattract him. Things were going well and he would text me everyday (usually he initiated) even when he went to Asia for a holiday. Right after he came back he wanted to meet again and got me pretty drunk saying “he was showing Asian hospitality and refilling my glass”. We were really close to sleeping together but it just so happened it was the time of the month when I couldn’t go thru with it. He just got frustrated and asked me to leave as “we can’t do anything anyway”. After this I told him I was not up for casual sex and he distanced himself for a while. Nevertheless I continued flirting and he gave me an ultimatum of whether I wanted to be FwB or not. I sort of left him hanging and never answered him saying I’m confused. Now things are strange where one moment he acts like a platonic friend and won’t flirt and say we shouldn’t be flirt and encourage me to date other guys. The next day he would start sending me flirty and sexual messages (which I would cut off early).

    Now I have read both your strategy on how to handle things when I am friendzoned and how to use seduction/ have an ex chase me for using sex. Since my ex vacillates between being friends and pushing for FwB which strategy do I use? Do I recerse friendzone him and treat him like a gay guy friend or do I continue to flirt?
    Friends or FwB

    1. Friends or FwB

      July 19, 2016 at 2:56 pm

      Oh and when he acts as a platonic friend he shows very characteristic traits of just being friends like sharing work related problems. Offering to help me with presentations etc for work, sort thru my taxes etc that I have to file. So this is not just about him not flirting

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 9:52 am

      Hi Friends or FWB,

      oh no..he just wanted to make you fwb.. he doesn’t want commitment.. I think you should refrain from activities that will eventually end up in sleeping with him or that is suggesting that it can happen.

      if you see each other, go out .. don’t stay in a room. and maintain yourself and your own life to remain interesting and date others now too

  13. Fruit

    July 19, 2016 at 9:05 am

    So me and my ex had a nasty break up 5 months ago. I went on and off NC for the 5 months. The last time we talked was 2 weeks ago when I ended things peacefully. Before that, we had been talking for a month. He treated me like he loved me then when I confronted him about his feelings he said he doesn’t and he doesn’t want to be with me. I stayed “friends” with him and kept contact (we did have sex) until I got fed up of the bs and ended things. The thing is, he wants to be friends with me and I don’t want that at all.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 8:38 am

      Hi Fruit

      I’m assuming you’re in nc.. be active in improving yourself and then complete nc.. don’t sleep with him again.. use that attraction from him to establish that you’re not into friends with benefits and read this articles too
      EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

  14. michelle antonnete

    July 19, 2016 at 6:01 am

    Hi Chris, I did the 21 days NC rule as how u advice and it worked! He missed and probably realised he does love me after all after 4 years of relationship. During the NC period I took the time to heal myself and became a better & happier person, I learn to love myself. After we met for the first time after the NC period, we talked for hours and we kept hugging each other, he kissed me and kept asking if he could touch me. After several times of rejecting him I couldn’t say No anymore I felt so sad seeing him in pain & after we made love he felt complete & loving but I felt nothing just pity n felt bad for leaving him for 21 days. He keep initiating sex the next day every time we met, I didn’t want too because you advised not to have sex with an ex. But I just couldn’t reject him. I’m not sure if he was with me just for sex but then…
    Now it’s been almost 1 month and 2 days since we met after the NC period. Ever since then he’s been a much better guy than ever before and yea we been slept together, it was explosive every single time and I feel he is getting closer and involved me in his life again. He changed a lot and he made a lot of efforts for me which he has stopped many months ago prior to our breakup. Which I felt probably your advice really paid off and it worked! We spent times eating, hanging out, going for movies and just chatting. Just I’m not his GF yet…
    Just a little problem he is dating another girl during the NC period and probably 2-3 weeks before we broke up. Oh btw he asked for the break-up. My concern is if i stop giving him sex would I lose him? Because he has someone else too. They been on dates probably 2-3 months now but friends for a long time, they work in the same fitness company. He said I have changed somehow and he is changing too for me. But he still can’t seem to throw this other one, I did occasionally ask him that he can’t have the both of us for long as someday soon he will need to choose :(. I asked him if i back off would he be happy with her, he hold me and said he is not sure and said don’t go 🙁 We broke up before because he couldn’t live up to my attitude (I was always insecure and clingy) and he feels we argued too much till we get divorced if we were married. But she seems to have all the sweet and no pressure attitude he wants in a girl. But I don’t know why he still is making a lot of efforts to have me in his life. I know we both have exactly what we want in bed, I know how provide emotional support as no one is able and my commitment as a wife material (cook, clean, nurture). Also as you have advised, I have shown him my independence, scarcity and as what you have advised. This other girl is aware that I’m in his life but maybe she is not aware how close are we but I’m not sure how is she handling. I notice at one incident I posted me and his picture on FB and he had a call but it was a very short call and it was ok, probably they are not serious just dating phase so she couldn’t demand as much. However after the call, he still comes and look for me and very loving. I’m quite confused. He shows more care, affection to me but still can’t let go of the other one? Weird!
    Dear Chris, me and my guy were together for the past 4 years, we never cheated on either one of us and I dun intend to give it up. But he is being this great guy and all how can I get him once and for all? Please guide me and help me ya. I’m a single mother with 2 beautiful kids and I think I had enough with heart pain and all this uncertainty. I’m also a strong believer in Christ. I just want a second chance to have a soul mate in life who can love me and my children as their own. I would really hope I can have him back because we share a very strong and loving connection. I hope this feelings last all time. Thank you ya. Waiting for you advice. God Bless ya.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 7:59 am

      Hi Michelle,

      you can be a great wife but still be strong and independent.. that’s good that you can cook, clean and take care of him but he’s not your son.. you should be treated as a partner, not as somebody whom he wants to keep because you serve him well..

      If he doesn’t reapect you enough to be faithful, stop seeing him..don’t do this just because you won’t find a soul mate. Well, if you don’t go out and do the things you love, you really won’t find the same person who has the same values as you do..

      if you really want him, you have to show your standards.. because if he really loves you, he will respect you, not use you

  15. Laura

    July 19, 2016 at 3:59 am


    I listened to this podcast, and was thinking about something you haven’t covered……if you dont have sex with an ex, how about other physical contact types (ex. kisses, hugs, etc.) How far you play hard to get? other physical contact is ok in the dates after nc period?


    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 20, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      Hi laura,

      kisses are in the intimate side.. physical contact like friendly hugs or touch or taps are ok

  16. Penelope

    July 18, 2016 at 5:49 am


    I listened to this podcast and it’s something I did at the beginning of this month. I made the mistake of 1. not establishing the no contact rule for long enough and 2. having sex with my ex without a commitment. I realize the mistakes I made now. We recently got into an argument, for which he was at fault, and after apologizing he’s stopped contacting me for last few hours. I haven’t been texting him and plan on doing the no contact rule for the full 30 days to see if this works. Do you think it’s too late to right my wrongs? Should I just move on?

    Thank you,

    1. Penelope

      July 19, 2016 at 2:10 am

      Hey Chris,

      Thanks for responding so quickly! Update is that after I stopped hearing from him yesterday, I did not text further. He has since called me today multiple times, and texted me. I’m still confused though. I’m sorry if this is too long or I need to send this to you a different way. I just recently discovered your website and I really like your advice.

      We broke up at the end of April. We were living together prior because I had graduated college and was new to the workforce so he offered to help me get on my feet. I was thankful for his help but realize now that it was for the wrong reasons because he wasn’t really ready for me to live with him. We broke up because he lied about spending time with a female friend, and I found her purse. It bugged me more so that he lied than that he hung out with her because he swore to me earlier (by yelling) that day that they weren’t friends any longer due to her poor treatment of me.

      I ended it, moved out, and stopped talking to him. Fast forward to the end of May, he reached out to discuss things. He apologized but was still hanging out with the friend. I gave him a chance to talk and that’s where I made my biggest mistake. We never truly confronted the past because he said he wanted to move forward and be a better boyfriend. I fell for it. We started hooking up again because I missed him but did not get the real commitment from him. Now I know better.

      Then this past Friday we were supposed to go on a real date (something we haven’t done since we broke up). He got overly drunk and argued with me. It ended badly and instead of apologizing he told me that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend again but I ruined it by arguing with him. He left and has been half apologizing all weekend. He stopped responding to me yesterday so I got confused and but then he reached out to me today. I haven’t responded because I’m debating doing the 30 day no contact but his birthday is this week. :/

      Thanks for reading this Chris.


    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 20, 2016 at 2:04 pm

      Hi Penelope
      I hope you don’t mind me answering.. but you should contnue nc, it,’s been so back and forth with him.. you have to regain balance..and you can’t greet him too..

    3. Chris Seiter

      July 18, 2016 at 3:19 pm

      Thanks for listening to the podcast!

      How long ago was the breakup?

      How far removed are we?

  17. Tomboy

    July 17, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    I was watching an episode of “How I met your mother” and the episode was looking at the “Hooked” which is a person that stays friends with someone with their ex. It was an interesting episode because you see how the characters are treated when one partner is taken advantage by another party. My question is, when you have sex with your ex and they want to keep you around…how would you get out of the situation? Or try to be friends with them…without the benefits parts? (ex: sex) I read in an article that these are usually traits of narcissists? Thanks.

    1. Tomboy

      July 19, 2016 at 3:10 am

      I guess.. switch careers?! Ive been at my job for 5 years and no changes. I feel like the people in my life (ex: my boss, my parents and anyone I date) tend to be dominant… and to be honest, I’m a very patient and humble person. Overtime, my tolerance level will break.. I know lol. My friends always comment that I “give too much” and don’t do enough for myself. I always want to fix things, even though I am not at fault. I guess I always had a fear to move forward in life… I’m a female Ted Mosby… I don’t get angry and I always look at the bright side of things. Is that a bad thing?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 20, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      No, that’s not bad.. if you really want to.switch careers do it because you want it, but not just because of nc.. you can try doing other new things too

    3. Tomboy

      July 18, 2016 at 4:23 pm

      Yes, that is the episode with Carrie Underwood. lol. I still have feelings for him, and am going through the non-contact rule. He wants to be friends which he has explicitly disclosed (plus hanging out one on one), but I guess I want a bit more. I feel like Ted Mosby in this situation (minus the part of having a hook myself). I have a feeling that once he finds another girl (ex: like the case in HIMYM, Carrie Underwood and the best man at the wedding)…. he would drop me. Any suggestions?

    4. Chris Seiter

      July 18, 2016 at 6:22 pm

      We have actually seen the bests results with women who really do something personal growth wise during the no contact rule. So, that’s the place I would start. I know it seems counterintuitive but statistics don’t lie and women who do that end up being more successful.

      We can brainstorm some stuff for you if you want.

      What are some of the things you have always wanted to try but never had the guts to do?

    5. Chris Seiter

      July 18, 2016 at 3:18 pm

      LOVE how I met your mother.

      Didn’t hooked have Carrie Underwood in it?

      I think the way is to play hard to get a bit.

      Bait them and make them think you are open for having sex again but don’t actually act on it. At least, that’s a great way to get them chasing you again. Is that what you wanted OR were you just wanting to stay friends with them?

  18. Maria

    July 16, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    My ex and I have been on a second date, it involved some adrenaline, but not any other people as we have no mutual friends.
    We kissed on our first date, right at the end, this leaving him wanting more.
    The second date we kissed nearly straight away. Went on the date, which lasted a couple of hours and was really good, always talking and laughing.
    There was some conversations about our previous relationship (we were only seeing each other for few months) and he admitted he was wrong and he was sorry etc etc.
    He seems to be making the effort to want to get things started back and after our second date and kissing for a while said that he doesn’t want to have sex with me until the doubts in my head are gone.
    He’s really making lots of effort to make me happy and always responses to txts and always answers calls and calls me probably more than I call him actually.
    He seems a little jealous of other guys around me as he asks questions.
    He’s certainly saying all the right things.
    It’s taken a few months to get to thsee stage I am now. I’ve wanted to be at this stage for a very long time, I’ve put in a lot of effort and now it’s where i want it to be, I can’t help but feel a huge lack of trust in that he means he says.
    We’ve not spent a lot of time together, so I guess I don’t really have a good basis to study his actions.
    I have said to myself that I will not sleep with him until I have been introduced to his friends and family as a guideline for me. Do you think that’s a good way to go? Or do you think I need to give him something back? As it seems he is trying to make a mense. I don’t want him thinking that I’m too hard to get and give up!

    1. Maria

      July 23, 2016 at 2:19 am

      Is this to make him chase me still?
      I don’t understand when is the right time to stop making him chase you? When do you stop playing hard to get? Or does it just continue throughout the relationship?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2016 at 1:45 pm

      balanace it out..even if you are in a relationship you shouldn’t loase yourself and you should have your own life.. at the beginning, you let the guy prove first if he really loves you.. when you’re together,.maintain to have your own life and to grow because you’re both separate individuals.. do things because you’re happy doing it for him, not because you feel you need to do it just do that he wouldn’t leave

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 17, 2016 at 4:15 pm

      Hi Maria,

      sex isn’t the only reward for his efforts.. specially if you’re not back together.. shouldn’t getting back together come first? just continue to have fun whenever you’re with him and being nice.. that’s more than enough

  19. EBR Team Member: Amor

    July 28, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    nope..use something more current like the pokemon go example..

  20. h

    July 26, 2016 at 10:02 pm

    hey! you might have been busy but if I could get your advice on this that would be great! So my 1 week nc is over and I am planning on texting him. Which kind of text message do you suggest I send him? I found a pic of us from high school before we went out, should I just be like i came across this picture and go from there or should I follow the story or good memory text message? thanks!