What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

Here’s How You Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is The Right Man For You (With Marni Battista)

One of the worst predicaments that you can find yourself in when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back is that somewhere down the road you come to the realization that he isn’t the right guy for you.

I mean, I can’t tell you how often I have woken up to an email like this from a woman,

“Chris, I ended up getting my ex boyfriend back (thank you) but after dating for a few weeks I came to the realization that he isn’t the man I want anymore. I think I made a mistake. What should I do?”

Sometimes we can get what I like to call “tunnel vision” when it comes to getting an ex back which basically means you can ignore some pretty important signs telling you that he isn’t the right guy for you because you are so focused on getting your ex back.

And that’s why I brought Marni Battista in for you.

marni-battista

Who is Marni Battista?

Well, Marni runs the very popular website, Dating With Dignity, and she has been featured in publications like ABC, CBS, Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

To say that she knows her stuff would be an understatement.

She’s an expert in the selection process of men. And the thing I really love about Marni is the fact that she opens up and tells her own story about the mistakes she’s learned along the way.

And I have to say it’s an incredible story that you can read right here.

But like I said, I brought her on today to talk about how YOU should be making YOUR selection process when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back.

Check it out,

Video Of This Episode (How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Right For You)

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • Marni’s incredible story (again you can read about it in her free book here.)
  • How she fine tuned her “man picker”
  • The importance of not being resistant to what you need to see
  • What is a “quality man”
  • What the first step is to finding a quality man
  • Limiting beliefs and how to overcome them
  • What is the best place to find a quality man
  • And of all things… The Bachelor

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript

  • Ok, I think we’re officially live so, be in the best behavior.

  •  

    I will.

  • Alright! So, we have–hold on. Before we start, I just got to make sure I say your last name right. Battista? 

     

  • Perfect. Yeah, it’s perfect. 

  • Alright, so we’ll just start over again.

  • Ok, cool!

  • Alright so, we have Marni Battista here on the show and you’re really interesting Marni. You are certified personal–personal? I can’t even talk. 

     

  • I’m his personal pan pizza!

  • A certified professional dating and relationship expert and you’ve written for all this super high publications like The Huffington Post, Your Tango, I think Yahoo! even, you’ve been featured on CBS, ABC, you’re like a celebrity seriously. 

     

  • I’m internet famous!

  • Anyway, she’s here to talk to you about finding the right man and this is a really good fit because yo have a book coming out. I think it’s a free book right? 

  • It is right now. 

  • Yeah, so they can go to your website and download the free book. I just wanted to ask you. How did you get into this dating coach type thing?

    I read your book, so I know you have like a really interesting story but if you want, you can just kind of get the clip notes versions of how you came to the conclusion that this is what you want to do with your life. 

  • Ok, I will. First of all, what’s like–can we curse on this channel or do I need to keep it rated G? 

  • You can curse. Let’s go x rated today. 

  • Ok  great! When I first started writing– the reason I became a dating coach was that I wanted to write a book. And I think that I said in the intro of my book that I’ve been working on this book for like 10 years. So, the first version of this book was called, “The F*cked Up Girl’s Guide To Finding The Love She Deserves” because–and for anyone who like sees your self as a smart woman, like you got it going on in your life and you sit there and you look at your relationships and you’re having your like breakfast or brunch with your girlfriends, and you’re like, “This is so f****d up!” Like, This is so f****d up! Like what is wrong with me? What is wrong with him right?

     

    And that’s how really I came to this journey, It’s because, like it didn’t make sense. I’m like this nice Jewish girl from Iowa, I’m smart, I get good grades, I have parents that like I have a “healthy” relationship. Like there is no– to think obvious. I have this propensity to choose men who are really, really bad for me and it landed me in a marriage for  17 years with a guy who I–you know, have this amazing three kids. I felt like shit that entire time. I felt like there was nothing I could do to get the love that I deserved. Like I was always broken. There’s like a scene in the book which really captures just like my complete of feeling of like ineptness in everything I did.

     

    Even things that were typically,sort of like, mom or wife type of duties so to speak. Anyways, so I get divorced and I’m like, “Woohoo! I have this big do over!” And I freaking do the same thing. You know like, better looking younger version but same guy, different face. So, it was then that I sort of had my moment where I just felt like, if I don’t change for myself, I have to change for my three daughters. Because, if I can’t get on f****d up for myself because I don’t care about myself that much. I literally will transmit this contagion to my three daughters. And that was really the inspiration that helped me get on the journey to really do it with dignity, find self love and then meet an amazing, amazing–my husband.

     

    But in the middle of that, when I was in the journey, I was like I need to tell other women because I don’t want someone else to have a moment like I did on the–you know, in front of my driveway begging my ex husband to love me. Like that’s so f****d up right? That’s how I started writing the book and then someone said, the book is in the business and I was like, you’re right. I was like, “Oh my god! This is what I’m meant to do!” So, here I am talking to you.

  • Well, I have to say, I read the book and it was really interesting. You were pretty respectful to your ex husband and I have to say, most people trash their exes you know?

    But I really found it interesting, you’re married for 17 years. Was this kind of a deterioration along the way, where maybe–I know you got married young right? 

  • Yeah, I was 22 when I got married and I was 19 when I met him. So, it was sort of like–I have a daughter who’s going to be 21. If she came to me and was like, “I’m getting married.” I’d be like, “Hell no, you’re not!” And my mom was like, “Yey! We’ll plan a wedding!” Here’s the thing, for my book, I was actually going through all this old photos and kind of reminiscing, reading journal entries and things like that. And I think it’s the best of my 19 and 20, 21 brain. I thought this was the right thing for me. I didn’t really know anything better. But what I did talk about in the book is like– I got married in August in Iowa and we have this honeymoon and we moved to Chicago. 

     

    And I was looking for  a job and my ex husband went off to work everyday and I was so miserable. We have this apartment, it was near the elevated train. I just remembered sitting in my apartment like sweating and like the apartment was shaking, like, “ah ah ah ah!” You know when that train would go by. And I felt like it was ravelling my soul and I was watching soap operas, eating candy. Like that’s how bad it was and I was like– I was supposed to be so happy because I’m in this relationship right? I think so many women get attached to the idea of getting married, idea of that guy and there’s that voice inside that says this is not a good move sister and you’re like never mind lalalala. 

     

    And I saw a freaking ad on television that said like, “Are you depressed? Are you sad?”

  • Oh no. One of those. 

  • Yeah, 1800-find a therapist and I did. It’s actually a miracle because that was sort of the beginning of me figuring out how to live through that marriage and then ultimately I couldn’t make it work.

    I just can’t make it work. We can’t make it work. It got nasty and it got gnarly and it got really messy. I just had to get out because I was numb. 

  • It’s a tough thing. I think a lot of the people listening to this can relate because they are going through break ups which is very, very difficult. And one of the things that I really liked about you is the fact that you admit that, ok, you kind of jumped from– So, before you got married, you dated a guy. I think you were, you talk you were like 14 and he was in college. So, bad boys right? You’re into that. 

  • Totally, bad boys. Totally into bad boys. 

  • So, you jumped from him to the marriage. 17 yeas ok, that’s a long time. And then after the marriage, you get back into the dating pool where you said, “Ok, I got this do over.” And you fall for the wrong guy again. Now,  a lot of people don’t admit that. And I really liked that you admit that because really, self reflection is kind of what it takes to come to this conclusion, “Ok, I maybe need to step back and maybe kind of think more about how I choose the man I date.”

    So, let’s kind of shift to that. So, how did you choose from like–How did you undergo this epiphany so to speak, of your selection process? Because I think that’s really where your expertise can come into play here. 

  • So, what I know is that I wasn’t choosing at all. I was–my self-worth was sort of so low that I, like if you like me–I’m into you. You call me back after we have sex, you’re a keeper. 

     

  • Yeah, definitely need to raise the standards up a little bit. 

     

  • Yeah but that was sort of like where I was. Even when I was dating in college, I was like, I remember having those moments of like trying to convince myself that the nice guy was good but there was no chemistry, there was no connection.

    So, the first thing I would say is that we want to be in a place, especially after a break up, of deciding that this time, the next time, I’m going to choose. I’m not just going to pick by default. Because he’s got a better job-there’s this, I call it “The Relative Charm Factor”. Compared to my ex this guys is–you know. 

  • Ah, you do the comparison.

  • Right, compare it to that. And so I think we have to be in choice and the second piece of being in choice when we’re getting back to dating is we want to choose from what we want not from what we don’t want. And if you’re in online dating and you go and you can just read the profiles and I talk about this a little bit in my book.

    You can see who’s writing a profile from what they don’t want and basically it’s a commercial to describe their last crap relationship right? Like, no drama. Guess what, that person had a lot of drama. 

     

  • Exactly. 

  • Right? And you know, nobody flaky and you have to have a good relationship with your mom. The last guy was flaky and had a bad relationship with his mom.

    Ok, so you want to really read between the lines and you want to choose somebody who isn’t just bettter than your ex, you want to start reflecting and saying like, “Who do I want?” Like, “What are the values that I’m looking for?” and be in that place consciousness and choice. 

  • Yeah, so, I guess what I would have to say to that, is one of the things that I’ve experienced is people have really tough time, so they’re set in their beliefs I guess. They have a really tough time overcoming that. So, sometimes I’ll hear this horrible story where maybe the woman is dating  a married man and he broke up with he. She’s kind of the other woman right?

    And I’m saying, “Well, maybe it’s time to move on.” But they don’t want to. So, what would you say to someone like that, like how would you get them from that mindset to maybe the mindset of moving on and finding the right guy. 

  • Oh wow. You know, actually in my book, there’s a scene where I actually had that conversation right? And it was actually my ex boyfriend’s ex wife who says like, “Sister, you’re worth more.” So, here’s the thing. I coach a lot of women, really smart women who are involved with people who are in relationships. Whether they’re married or they’re just dating someone else. I had seen the struggle and it is a painful struggle and it doesn’t matter if your brain knows it’s the right thing. And so one of the things that’s really in that situation is that we get really good in coping and rationalizing. 

     

    And coping and rationalizing comes up because we are trying to avoid our feelings. And so, if you can just sort of do like feelings 101 and think about how it makes you feel to be the second choice and allow it to sink in and not just push it away, with fear that this is the best thing you’ve ever had, something is better than nothing. And allow your feelings–what I would want you to tap into is what I call righteous anger. 

  • Righteous anger. I like it. It’s got a righteous sound.

  • It does. People are like, “I don’t want to be angry.” This guys that are cheating, most of them do have shitty relationships and they are nice guys. They’re not like evil humans. They’re unhappy and their in their own dysfunction. But the truth is, deep down somewhere you’re pissed. 

  • Especially if you have been cheated on too right? 

  • Yeah, and you’ve been made promises and you’ve been stood up and you’ve been second priority and it’s usually when a client allows herself to get into that righteous anger that she allows herself to be mad to take a stand and say, “You know what, here’s the bottomline.

    It’s either this or it’s not going to be happening anymore.” I had clients, this takes like a year to extricate and I have clients do it in like three months. It’s your choice how much pain–there’s that quote that says, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” 

  • I like the quote.

  • Right? So, you’re going to suffer sister! You’re going to suffer now, you’re going to suffer in a year. I was in that place back and forth in “I’m getting a divorce. I’m not getting a divorce. I’ve moved out. I’m not moving back in.” for two years in my life.

    And here’s the last thing I want to say about that is, you’re practicing shit you don’t need to practice which is putting your walls up, having your guard up because every time, you’re in that like sweet, amazing spot when he’s like totally with you and then the next day, he like disappears for four days, you put your guard up. You don’t need to practice that. 

  • Yeah, it’s sort of like just drilling the habits that you should not be drilling so to speak. 

  • Well, if you’re actually reinforcing neuropathways that are going to prevent you from intimacy–and the bigger picture is this. Woah sorry about that. The bigger picture is this–there’s a reason why you’re attracted to a man who’s emotionally unavailable.

    And guess what, it’s because you’re emotionally unavailable. He’s perfect for you. That guy is perfect for you, your unavailable guy. Right? So, is that who you want to be? Do you want to be emotionally unavailable? Because even if you get it together with him, it’s not going to be a big amazing love because he’s still married and you don’t feel emotionally safe. 

  • Yeah, I’m really glad you brought up the cheating thing because that’s something we see a lot here too. And you have some really interesting stories relating to that as well. So, you’ve been cheated on correct? 

  • I’ve been cheated on. Yeah, awful. 

     

  • Yeah, so someone who’s going through that, how do they cope? What are some of the things they can do? Other than just sitting and eating a tub of ice cream every night. 

  • Right. Well let me tell you what didn’t work. So, anyone who’s been in this situation, you’re going to laugh and this is my best move back in the day. I kept all of the tissues that I was crying.

    Like he broke up with me,this is in my office, you know in my room, it that bed and I was just–you know how it is girls right? You’re like, “Aahhh!” You know and tissues everywhere. And so my best plan at that time was like I’m going to save this tissues in a drawer with a photo of us. And anytime, I feel–

  • That’s clever. I like that.

     

  • It didn’t work. 

  • Oh ok. Well, that’s unfortunate. 

  • I just a drawer full of snotty tissue. 

  • I like the idea. I can see how it’s like logically on paper, it seems like it would work but I guess it didn’t. 

  • But here’s the thing, what I love about that story is that it shows how creative one can be to like avoid doing that hard work which is accepting the truth. 

  • Yeah, accepting the truth can be difficult. Especially when it’s not want you want to accept. 

  • Totally, so one of the exercises–this is what I did. So, I like turned it into a whole process for my clients. So, I’m going to share it with your listeners. It’s called the wrecking ball process. And basically what you do, the shorter version is you make a list of everything that is wrong with this relationship. Like reality, like you know he doesn’t show up all the time. Besides the fact that he cheated on you. There’s probably other things in your relationship where if you could like custom design your ideal man, he wouldn’t be that guy. So, you make that list.

     

    Then you put it away. Ok, so this is not like a 16:51 . This is like you have to like kind of reflect a little bit. Sit with that. See how it feels.

     

  • Sometimes you don’t feel the same way too when I guess you take the list back. You’re thinking, “Oh, maybe that wasn’t as bad.” 

  • Exactly. So, you have that list. You put it away, you come back to it and then you make a list of–and do this like two days later. Your ideal relationship. The qualities and characteristics of the guy that you would like to be with me. Whether you would like him to change, which probably isn’t going to happen or the next guy. Ok, so you do that and then you look at both lists and you look at the truth about this person that you’ve been and you look at what it is that you want in your highest vision for your relationship. 

     

    And then I take people through a closed eye experience. Like what you can do is sort of do it yourself and it’s to close your eyes and see this guy you know as you see him. Like on a pedestal. Like there’s a giant–just imagine. Because if your guy is cheating, you have him on a pedestal if you’re not pissed about it. 

  • Yeah, that is so true. 

  • And I want you to think of that. Like think of how it’s kind of–because we have to get to righteous anger right? So, here you are, you’re little you and you put this f****g guy that told you he loves you because he probably did. And he’s like the David statue times 10, 000. And then in your mind, like see yourself how small you feel compared to that guy.

  • Yeah, visualization can really, really work. I know they did a study on olypic athletes and they made them like–I think it was like gymnasts. You know, which`is at the olympics and everything.

    They made the gymnasts like pretend they were going through the routine in their head. And they did a test versus the gymnasts who didn’t visualize it. The visualization actually netted better scores than the other ones. So, it actually can work. So, it’s a great tip.

  • It totally works and it changes the pathways. So, then what you do is, you then imagine yourself with a baseball. My clients like imagine–

     

  • I feel like Carrie Underwoods coming into your–

     

  • Exactly! Or a crane like a wrecking ball crane and you imagine yourself climbing up into this wrecking ball and like there’s one button and it’s the pendulum

  • Smash the–

  • Smash it and you do it’s a great. And do it in a quiet time and you can just say to yourself like, “And for this!” and you like expre–because expression is actually getting, tapping into that righteous anger. It’s all buried inside you right now. So, to have that cathartic release, you need to do an expression.

    And so closing your eyes, imagine that you’re doing that, knocking him off the pedestal and then going through–it might take you 5 minutes. It might take you 20 minutes. And then being in that place of looking at like, what do I do now when I don’t feel small? And make your next move from that place. 

  • Yeah, I love it. We use cheating as an example here but can this happen, let’s say, the guy didn’t cheat but he was just maybe a douche to the woman. This can work for that as well.

  • It totally can work and what’s great is that once I created this little process at that time–I think it was 20:15. I was like 4 years to go so, it’s been tried and true by a lot of women. My daughter at the time was 18.

  • Ok, so she’s at that age. 

  • Highschool–Yeah! And she had a total like you know, like it was her first moment of like understanding what it’s like to be with a good guy versus a not good guy. And she was having a hard time, like intellectually letting go of that and she did this process.

  • And it worked. 

  • And it worked. So, it doesn’t matter if you’re 65 or 18. It worked and it was pivot for her. Because what she realized is that I am not small. 

     

  • Yeah, I really like that. It’s interesting because a lot of our listeners can be 18. Just in highschool. Where you have some 35, 40 year old women which let’s shift to them now because you–I’ve been inteviewing experts for the past month or so and one of the most common things I hear about women or women who are going through divorces and haven’t dated in a long time. So, in getting into the dating scene, what would you recommend to women like that. So, they’re not used to the I guess the reality of the digital age now. 

  • yeah, it’s so crazy. Well, first of all, the best way to get over someone is not to get under someone else. 

  • I like it. Clever. 

  • Do not be like you know, “F*** him! I’m going to go be with someone else!” That is not–

  • Not the best route to take perhaps. 

     

  • It’s not the best route. So, the fist thing is, I always say also, the slower you go, the faster you get there. So, if you just got a divorce, do not start dating next week. You will be overwhelmed. It is a little complicated. It’s a little crazy. So, you want to go through–and I talk about this 3 steps in my book. Really looking at, how can you release yourself from your past, because one thing that’s really important is your story about your past does not define you. But what you do next could define you right? 

     

    So, you want to do this next. Go around, like from a completely different space. So, make sure that you are really free from the stories and the paradigms and the rules and all this stuff that landed you in that marriage. And really take that time to work on yourself. So, that you are relationship ready which means that you have a really strong foundation of self worth which is different than self esteem and I talk about that in the book. That you are really over your story about your past and that you know what you’re looking for and you’re clear on your relationship goals and then you start dating. 

  • Yeah, you bring up–every time you talk, I just keep thinking of new stuff that I’ve heard. So, there was really, really interesting I guess tactic or something that people can use if they’re carrying baggage from their  past and that’s literally to take a really heavy brick and carry it around with you. Just so you can feel how much it feels like to have the baggage with you.

    And just do it for like a month or so, just so you can feel how heavy it is and then once you can kind of understand, “Ok, this is insane that I’m holding on to this.”, you can throw the brick away and realize how good it feels. So, the visualization thing just popped up my head. 

  • Totally and that’s really good because there’s–I used to watch that show How I Met Your Mother. 

  • Oh, I love it! I love it!

  • Love it right? And there’s a scene and I think it’s Ted Mosby because poor Ted right? 

     

  • Always Ted. 

  • Always Ted, and he’s on a date and I think the woman, it’s either he’s got behind him or she’s got behind, they’re at dinner–

  • Oh the baggage! Yeah!

  • The baggage–23:54 there’s a suitcase 23:55 right?

  • Right, right!

     

  • I call that leaking. Like you can have like the blow dry and the make up and you lost weight and you’re like feeling really good and you go on a date and if you’re leaking, if you’ve got that baggage, a quality guy can sniff it out like you know, a dog can find where the dog treat is. I mean you’re a guy, right? There’s just some like energy or vibe..

     

  • No, no, no. It’s not so much. It always be this subtle hints that–Id’ be on a date for example and the woman will start would start talking about her ex. And I would think, Oh god. She’s going to start talking about him nonstop and I”m sure now that’s what would happen. I don’t if it was a vibe so much as just the cues I would pick up from that kind of turn me off you know. 

  • It’s a little turn off. It’s like you’re venting right? It’s like a fresh person to hear the story of what an asshole my ex was. Yeah and nobody wants to be that date.

    So, you have to like release all that and then when you feel like really clear and you’ve gone through three steps and then you can start dating and when you start dating, you want to do it I call this rejuvenation. You date like you’ve never been burned before. 

     

  • No wall up. Have the walls down. Just be open I guess to what’s going to happen. 

     

  • Yeah, dating as like you’re curious. There’s no such thing as a bad date really. One of my favorite bad dates, which wasn’t a bad date because it’s like one of my funniest stories ever was. I went on a date, it was an online date and I met this guy and we’re like sitting in a restaurant and we’re having dinner and stuff and he was like, “Do you want to see a really funny video of my cat?” And I’m like ok, like whatever. And he shows me this video and his cat basically sits like a person, like a buddha, And I was like, “Oh, that’s really funny!”  And then he kept showing videos of the cat. So, at that point I’m like, this is like either really bad or freaking hilarious.  

     

    So, I just went that this is hilarious. So, I’m going to interview as like you are one of those interesting sort of odd cat guy I’ve ever met and so I just totally like took it out in date category and went into the like, what makes–like you’re really into your cat. Have you always been into your cat? Do you have like edited videos of the cat? Do you have a Youtube channel on your cat? That was hilarious. It was a great night. Definitely not a great date. 

  • So, it turned into something positive as supposed to, “Oh no, it’s another dud.” Maybe you’re in a negative mindset. 26:28 over to the next date.

  • That’s a great– I mean, every date that I had, I’m just like thinking back and I’m sure we can all do that you know, like that was bad, was just like, “Ok, this was interesting”

  • Well, I maybe have one story that–so I went on date once with a girl and I broke my foot. So, not sure I can.

  • Oh gosh! No there wouldn’t be that–although recently, if you were in bachelor in paradise fan–

  • Unfortunately, I’m–

  • Because you’re married right? 

  • Exactly. 

  • All good husbands watch The Bachelorette. 

  • I actually kind of got into it. I’m not going to lie. I’ll own up to it. 

  • I know. My husband’s into it too. There was the character there Evan, who freaking used 27:13 to woo his girl

  • Oh god, the sickness! Oh you know, at first I hated that guy. I’m not going to lie. He was so annoying but he kind of grew in me a little bit. 

  • He’s a quality guy. Just a little nerdy but he was like, he was there. Ok, we should do a whole show–like when it comes back on, let’s just do recaps. 

  • Right!

  • He’s my favorite

  • We’ll get rich that way!

  • Exactly. So, yeah.  A medical thing could not be a bad date maybe. 

  • I guess so. 

  • ok. 

  • So, you’re alright. Your book, The Quality Man. Let’s really talk about this. What is maybe your three best tips for your on the date with the guy, sitting across from him, it’s going pretty well but you are maybe a little uncertain. What are some of the things that a woman could do on date to really determine if this guy is the real deal or not? 

     

  • Ok, so the first thing is, you do not want to go into a date interviewing him to see if he is a quality guy. 

     

  • ok

  • Because that guy that feel interviewed like–you know, I’m sure your guy friends have told you, they’re like, “Dude, it was like suddenly trying to ask me where my apartment is or what my job is or where I went to college or you know like, what kind of vacations I go on.” Right? And they’re like, “She’s so trying to find out like you know, how much have in my 401k.” So, you don’t want to do that. What I would do is pick 5 values and call them non negotiables and we talk about how to do this in the book. Pick your 5, and go out on the date doing what call, data dating. You’re just collecting information in a fun way to see if this guy and you share values. 

     

    So, let’s say family if your value. So, like, not where did you grow up but what’s your like favorite memory from childhood? 

  • That’s a good question. 

  • Right? 

  • I feel like I want to answer it right now. 

     

  • Yeah! right? or let’s say you love travel like, where somewhere you’ve traveled that like just scared the crap out of you but like you totally did it? or What’s your funniest like–did you ever stay in a hospital? What’s your funniest hospital story? You want to have conversations that is really just to get someone relaxed and talking about things that make them happy, like good memories and good times. Right? 

     

    You also don’t want–I’m giving you the don’ts. Do not ask like, So you’re divorced, tell me about that. That’s like eeeee.. Don’t want that. And my all time big don’t, so, how’s it going for you online? 

  • Ah, if you met online I guess. 

  • Yeah, if you met online. Like, are you still, how do you like match.com? How’s bumble going for you? Like, be creative.  Think about your values and what you really want to know about the person and get a fun conversation going about that. 

     

  • So, what are some things that you could do to come up with your values because I know a lot of women–I’m always trying to teach them, “Ok, text your ex this kind of thing. Don’t text your ex this kind of thing.” And it’s funny there was a woman that I just did an episode on who, took my advice but she took it like out of order. And she started her ex like sex stuff, like the first thing back. And he was like, he like erased her number and he was like, “Who the f is this?”.

     

    So,what are some things that women can do before they maybe start doing the data thing to come up with their values?

     

  • So, one of the things to do and I’ll walk you through it step by step is sometimes people don’t even know what values are. Ok, so, if you have kids or you’re an Auntie or something like that, you can think about, like what are 5 things I would want my kids to grow up believing or how they would like see the world? 

     

    If you don’t, another way to think about it is, if you are giving advice to someone about this 5 sort of ways to be in the world, like what you hold important, or would make the world a better place, what are those 5 things and what would they be? Like you know, maybe for you it’s like, being financially responsible. Whatever that means for you. 

     

  • 31:41

  • Yeah right? or adventure right? Travel or adventure was one of mine and my husband and I are like totally on the same page around travel and adventure and we put– we spend our money on travel and adventure. We taught to our kids.

    So, that was a really big one. Some people are really like they have a big value around personal development. You could call it personal development, spirituality. I have clients who are like really, really have a value around their specific religion. And that’s one of their values. So, think about what is important to you and what do you want to leave behind. 

     

    It’s like Jane was really all about this. 

     

  • Ah, what are people going to say about you, like your funeral maybe? 

  • Yeah exactly right! Like she was really all about integrity. She was all about travel or she is. And play with it by the way, because as you go out dating then–and by the way, this makes dating so much more fun because now, you’re just trying to see like, are these my values? Do we have a match? And here’s the other great thing about when you’re data dating for values, you can’t decide that on the first date. 

  • So, it takes a few dates to really decipher. 

  • It takes a few dates. So you can’t discard someone right away because most people are generally awkward and nervous on a first date, especially if it involves eating Sushi. Just saying. There’s that err..

  • So, let’s assume you have like, let’s say intelligence. Like you want your significant other to be really intelligent. What are–because that’s pretty broad. That can mean a lot of different things. Intelligent in–maybe books smart as supposed to street smart. Who knows? What kind of question can you ask around that? Because I think this is probably one of the best tips that you’ve said so far. So, I feel like I really want to get people the scope of how to accomplish this. 

     

  • Yeah totally! Well, that’s the great thing. Is that, first of all, when you say intelligence, just like you did, you’re like wait, “What do I mean by intelligence?” 

     

  • Ah ok. So, you have to kind of zone in on what your personal–so, it can’t be so broad. It has to maybe just specifically to what you want. 

  • Exactly. Here’s the litmus test. I say this to my clients all the time because they give me their 5–we have 5 non negotiables or 5 values because I say, there are 5 fights you’re never going to have right? It doesn’t mean you don’t get other stuff but there are these 5 things. 

    So, what I always ask you is, “Great. So, intelligence. What’s he going to do over the course of dating him for three months let’s say, that would show you he’s got an intelligence value that matches yours?”

    Ok, so he’d say like, “Yeah, I’m going to this book reading by dadada.” or “Hey, do you want to come over and watch The debate?” or right over someone else’s intelligence might be spreadsheets. 

     

  • Ok. A little boring but ok.

  • Yeah, but right like, “Can you help me like do–” like someone might say that their value is really around showing that their smart because their up on technology or they’re up in business or they’re up in whatever. So, before you do, you just ask yourself. “So, great, I’m in data date which means I’m going to collect data. So, what am I looking for that shows me? Not just on the date but in between dates and how he acts and what he’s talking about.”

     

     

  • So, it’s not just like asking a question to decipher the data. It’s also paying attention to what data is there. 

     

  • Exactly. Because everybody puts on their online profile, you know, their best version of themselves. So, if someone says their nature–So, one of my male clients, I used to coach men a long time ago but I love this story. He had a test and he would take women for coffee. We live in California, so he would take them coffee by the beach. And they would all say, “I’m into nature but I can dress and go out dancing.”

  • So, he would like put them into the test, I’m guessing. 

  • He would so after coffee, he would say, “Do you want to walk on the beach?” And some of those ladies, would be like, “It’s kind of windy. My hair is going to mess up. I didn’t wear the right shoes.” and then some ladies were like, “Oh yeah. I”m just going to carry my shoes and be wind blown.” So, be careful right because you want to collect data. That person might say, they value nature but if they’re like “Ew” 

  • Actions speak louder than words I guess. 

     

  • Yeah, exactly. 

  • Yeah, I think it’s a great tip and probably it has to be personal to you when you’re doing it, the data dating. So, let’s also shift gears here. Now, in the book, you talk about limiting beliefs. 

  • Yes.

  • So, for the listeners, what is a–I can’t even talk today! When you come here and talked about the Ted Mosby thing

     

  • I know! This is all over it. 

  • Okay, alright. Limiting beliefs. What is it? 

  • Limiting belief. A limiting belief really simply is a story that you make up that’s not true. It’s a misunderstanding you have. It’s a rule that you have about a situation , people, the world, dating. So limiting belief might be quality men only want to date women who are a size 4. 

     

  • ok

  • A limiting belief might be, there’s no good men where I live. 

     

  • Ok, I kind of get it. So, limiting belief is basically something that you’ve told yourself that says, “Ok, I don’t really have as good as a chance because I’m not that.” 

  • Right. It’s a condition that you’ve made up and you believe it is a rule for you. Like you believe it’s not a limiting belief. And I really like to use this little acronym BILLS because nobody likes bills. Believes Inappropriate that Limit your Lifestyle.

     

  • Ok. I like it. 

  • Like it really limits your lifestyle when you have this beliefs. And so the question you want to ask yourself if you come up against one of this, we all have them is, how true is that really? Like, there’s no good men in my town and I usually say, so, what happened is, last night while you are sleeping, the quality man bomb went off. They all vanished into thin air and now all that’s left are like homeless toothless men and that is who you have to date. And women are like, “Well, that obviously didn’t happen.” and I’m like, “Well, obviously! There are good men in your town! Just, you’re not seeing them.” 

  • Ah, perfect segway! So, let’s assume you get over to the limiting beliefs, where can a woman go to meet the quality man? 

  • Ok, well, so in my book. I literally give you 33 places that you will never think of on your own that are not online. So, if you’re like I hate online dating, you definitely want to get this one. 

  • Which can be a limiting belief by the way. 

  • Totally a limiting belief. Ok but let me give you– I want you start thinking about it.  First of all, quality men are everywhere. There is  actually an island that they go on you know? Chris was on the island, his wife got–

  • Florida. It’s Florida but there’s a hurricane coming so, you know when to 38:40. I’m  just kidding.

  • Exactly, All the quality men are taking cover. So, quality men are everywhere. So, what  I want you to think about is two things. One is, what it would like if you started looking to rule people in instead of ruling people out. Ok? And instead of saying he’s not my type, which is a version of like, “This doesn’t apply to me.

    This guy isn’t for me.” Start asking a better quality question.  “How could this guy be for me? How could get outside of what my type is? And that’s a whole other conversation. But quality men, to find them, we’re going  back to the values conversation. So, what is it that you care about and love about.

     

  • Let’s say church.

  • Church, great. So, be the person you want to attract. So, not just go to church but like does your church have like community groups? Can you volunteer at your church? Like you like church and adventure, go do a mission and meet somebody there who likes those same things. There’s not a cute guy there? It doesn’t matter. All those guys know guys. Be the person you want to attract. Put your cab light on. Stop looking at your phone. Stop telling the story yourself that there’s no good men for you. 

  • Now, it’s interesting you talked about, let’s say you go to church group, there’s not a good looking guy there. Now– I don’t know how it is for women but I know men are probably more visual than women. So, let’s say that there’s this common belief and I want you to kind of debunked it here.

    So, I’m kind of throwing you the softball. 

    Alright, so there’s this common belief that women have that the better looking the guy, the worse the guy is or he’s not quality and the uglier the guy, the more quality he is. 

    Is that true?

  • Ok, well so, no it’s not true because there’s absolutes in humans. My husband is super good looking and super awesome. Just by the way, and I know lots of women that I worked with that have men that are super good looking and that they’re really, really awesome. Here’s what I would say about that. How does that keep you safe? what does that say about you if that’s your belief? Is it because you’re actually intimidated by those guys? 

  • I think that would probably what it is for most women. 

  • Right? They make you feel uncomfortable and nervous.

  • And here’s the craziest part though, men, speaking personally. I feel almost, when I met my wife, there’s no way that she was more nervous than I was but she didn’t think that. But good looking guys, they get nervous too. 

  • They do. So, here’s a newsflash ladies. Men are human. 

  • Yeah, we are.

  • They are human and I do this man panel for some of my groups that I work with and I get quality men of all different ages. They get to ask them questions and always their take away is like, “Wow! They’re like really struggling with this stuff too.” And so, when you look at a man as like a fellow human that you want to connect with versus is he going to be my husband? Quality connection is really just much better and you might be saying, “Yeah nobody dates like that.” And so, ok but you can. 

     

    Because there’s a guy out there, who’s looking for the top 10%. Guys are savvy. They don’t want drama either. They don’t want somebody who’s insecure. They don’t want to play games either, believe it or not. A quality guy is not into you being aloof, any of that. And I always say, all you have to do is be 10% than 90% of the people out there that are dating and someone will notice you instantly. 

  • Yeah. It’s a good mindset to have. And I think a lot of women limited themselves with the limiting beliefs that you’re talking about. Thinking that, “Ok, the better looking the guy is, he’s not going to be a quality man.” So, maybe they’re limiting themselves just thinking that. 

  • Well, totally. And so then they’re going to leak that. Like if you go into with a really handsome guy and you’re a little intimidated and your paradigm, your mindset is you’re guilty until proven innocent. Here’s what happens ladies, like energy attracts like energy.

    So, if you go into any kind of situation, what I call your boxing gloves up, which is like, “Don’t F with me.” like you’re guilty until I know otherwise. So, that’s what we call like a complex sort of energy. Now, guess what, the wrong guy is all about that. A not quality guy is going to be like, “Let me get you. Let me prove to you.” Like he is attracted to the fact that you don’t trust him. 

     

    A quality guy is not interested in that. He doesn’t want to work that hard to sort of like break you down. 

  • Me personally, I always thought like, “Ok, falling in love should be easy. I shouldn’t have to go through all this work just to convince someone to like like me back you know.” 

     

  • Yeah or be open or trust. Who wants that? 

  • Because it can take years to break that kind of wall down. 

     

  • So, quality guys aren’t into that. So doing the whole–because reality is not The bachelor. We’re like the  girl is like–

  • You know actually my cousin was on the bachelorette.

  • Really?

  • I’m embarrassed to tell you it is because if you watched The Bachelorette, you’ll know who he is. 

  • Damn, now I got to know. Put it in the show notes.

  • Alright. 

  • So, yeah. So, if you’re intimidated by someone because you think they’re really good looking, like try and experiment and try and like be open and vulnerable and like on the first or second date, say, “I’m at a place in my life where I’m actually looking for a relationship. I love my life. Where are you?” Just ask. 

     

  • Yeah, you have a lot of really great tips. I got to say it’s pretty phenomenal. A lot of the stuff, I might steal it. 

  • You can totally! It’s really you know what, I just feel like, it took me–I’m 50. It took me until I was like 38 to get a divorce and like 42 to meet my husband and I told you my why. It was my three daughters and I put this in the book. You know like I was here so that they wouldn’t have broken pickers. And I see when I told them and I’ve spoken at colleges and lots of different ages of women, this s*** just doesn’t resolve itself. If you got a bad boy thing, if you–

     

  • You got to something about it I think.

     

  • You do because you know for me, it was like– I love that you do the ex recovery because I spent way too many years trying to get back guys that weren’t right for me and by the way which I don’t talk about in my book, my husband and I dated for 5 years and then he broke up with me. 

     

  • Oh you’re current husband right? 

  • My current husband, yeah. And there was like 7 weeks that we’ve broke up and he actually moved out. 

     

  • Oh no..

  • Yeah and I went through my boyfriend recovery. I probably did a lot of the things that you talk about doing. I gave him space and we had like a dialogue and we revisite our values and I had to work to make sure I wasn’t really in my masculine. Like, “If you don’t know by now then F you.” right? Which I just talk to myself. and so let me tell you for all of the people who are here because they want to get that guy back, the quality guy, if he’s your guy, it will be not easy to get back together, but if you have that 46:50 humming goal, it’s a beautiful process that makes you closer.

     

  • Yeah absolutely

  • If he’s not a quality guy, let him go. How somebody breaks up with you is a great way to tell if they’re quality. 

  • It’s a really great litmus test like you said. And it’s funny you say that because the other week, a woman contacted me saying that she got her ex back and they are on their honeymoon. They like got married and everything but I compared that to someone else who’s trying to get their back and they’re struggling and things aren’t going well. Generally speaking that, I’ve found that, it’s almost a little bit easier to get them back. It’s just like something was standing in the way that caused them or prevented them from committing but it is a good litmus test and it’s a good point that you bring it up. That sometimes, you have to revisit the values and open the dialogue up and it seems like that’s what you did. 

     

  • We totally did it and it was really interesting because my husband, my now husband, his thing was like, he didn’t get marriage because his parents have been married for like 50 years and he didn’t really think  it was like a great marriage. And he got his own thing, which is like, “If I get married, do I lose my freedom.” Like which is a totally normal guy thing right? And we had just dialogue about it and then he got to this place where he was like all about marriage and a romantic proposal and he wrote this amazing wedding vows, we had a great wedding. So, yeah. I think that a quality guy handles a break up in a really dignified way. 

  • Yeah, I’m really happy that you have the happy ending. It’s sort of like you have the nice bookends. How you had this personal struggle trying to find or maybe fine tune is  a better word. To fine tune kind of your man picker so to speak. 

     

  • Yes

  • And it took a while but you got it and you got the happy ending. 

  • I did and my daughters have all got really nice boyfriends and yeah. That was my litmus test. 

  • Alright so, Marni where could people find you? 

     

  • They can go to datingwithdignity.com and they can get a copy of the book. 

  • Yeah, now check out this book. I can’t say enough good things about it. I spent–my wife and I actually both read it. We were I think– you gave us like an advanced copy before you went live and it was pretty phenomenal. She’s really open. Like you’re really open about some stuff that’s not easy to talk about.

    And it’s interesting to hear the struggles you went through. So, it’s something I’d definitely recommend that people should check out. But where can they go to check it out? The dating with dignity website, but where on the website? Just so we’re very specific. 

  • There’s like a little pop up box that will come up that will say, do you want to get that book? And even if you’re not so interested in my story but it is dirty and juicy. There’s also those 33 places, the gold mines, where you could like go out tomorrow and like, well just change it up and find some quality men. 

  • And the book is free. So, this will not cost you anything.  And this is a person who’s written for Yahoo! Who’s written for Your Tango, who’s been featured on TV, this woman knows her stuff. 

  • Thank you Chris! I appreciate it. 

     

  • Do you have anything you want to say before we sign off? 

  • You know, I just love that I get to be on a show about you know, about exes. Because, I got a lot in my past, and I would say this, is that when I look back at my exes, they were the worst best things that ever happened to me. 

  • Learning experiences. 

  • Yeah, because they catapulted me forward in what I needed to do and how I needed to change and grow so I could be my best self`to attract a great quality guy into my life. And so, you can just shift into it, instead of being like, “Oh you know, I’m never going to get through this” to like this could be the best worst thing that happens to me. And how are you going to use to make your life better.

  • Ah love it. 

  • You know that’s the gift. Your ex gave you a freaking gift. And you have this show, and you have support and so, you know hold your shoulders up. Don’t let it define you and love is totally right around the corner. 

  • Yeah its’ a great way to end I think. You have such a really elegant way of putting things. 

  • Thank You!

  • So, I really appreciate you coming on the show. 

  • My pleasure anytime. 

     

  • Thank you so much!

  • Ok!

     

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

4 thoughts on “Here’s How You Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is The Right Man For You (With Marni Battista)”

  1. Ariella

    November 2, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    I’ve been dating my ex for 2 months now. Things were going great but we have just had a huge argument which started over me inviting him out for dinner.
    I’m going to be in the city this weekend for work, and i planned on going out for dinner with a friend afterwards. I was talking to my ex today and found out he was attending a friend’s performance on that day, so we would both be in central London in the evening. I smiled and asked what time he’d be finished, so we could all go to dinner togeter, yet he dodged the question, saying it would be really late and became really defensive about the concert and his new female friend, he made while we were apart. In fact he wanted to see my male friend on facebook, before replying, and then he blew up and said he doesn’t want to meet my friend or be there if he was?! He’s never even met the guy! I’ve also said that they would get along great, haven’t been too complimentary about the other guy, and fully encouraged them to meet (he was complaining how he doesn’t really know any of my friends now). He then decided to drag all of our past history up and said it wasn’t good enough for me to cut down on the contact with my male best friend (yet all of his friends are female?). He said oh i don’t want to meet the new guy because of my ‘track record’. Which i found insulting. I’ve never cheated on him, or done anything that i wouldn’t with a female friend, yet he’s quite secretive about some of his female friends. It’s almost as though he didn’t want me around when he was out with his other female friend? He’s also ended his last message with less kisses on purpose to further make his point.
    What on earth is going on? I haven’t replied because I don’t believe i deserve to be spoken to in that way.
    Any insight or advice would be great!! x

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 3, 2016 at 5:49 pm

      HI Ariella,

      Well, you have a new relationship, just two months in. How long do you know him before being with him? Because it looks like he’s being shady.

    2. Ariella

      November 3, 2016 at 6:56 pm

      Our previous relationship lasted 4 years, however there were a lot of issues where i had found out he had been on dating sites, flirting with other women and meeting them in secret (he said he never slept with anyone), he also lied to my face saying he was meeting his father when he was going to another girl’s concert. When we first talked he apologized for everything that he did, but now he’s being secretive again and I’m second guessing my decision to try things again with him. Especially with how much I’ve changed over the time we’ve been apart.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 5, 2016 at 10:13 pm

      yeah, if I were you, he has to prove himself first before I go back to him

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