Imagine you met the man of your dreams.
He’s handsome…
Charming…
Smart…
Basically everything you wished for as a little girl.
The two of you have this amazing relationship where it almost seems like you were destined to be together.
You are completing each others sentences…
You can’t keep your hands off each other…
And you have all those great inside jokes that no one understands except you…
You are basically this couple,
But then something happens…
All of a sudden the man or your dreams starts to become distant. It doesn’t happen overnight. Rather its a long drawn out process. You used to not be able to go a moment without talking to each other but now you go days.
You start to get that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and sense that a breakup is on the horizon.
Sure enough, it happens.
You hear the five words that no woman ever wants to hear.
“I don’t love you anymore?”
Upon hearing this you are devastated.
All kinds of questions run through your head.
“How is this even possible?”
“How is it that he can’t love me anymore when I still love him so much?”
“What did I do wrong?”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWell, with this article I am going to be answering these very delicate questions.
First though, I think we should have a little discussion on if it is even possible for a man to fall out of love.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Can A Man Even Fall Out Of Love With You?
Would you like to hear something funny about me?
I absolutely love Disney movies!
This is a fact my wife constantly teases me about.
How much do I love Disney movies?
Well, one day my wife was looking up the highest grossing movies Disney movies of all time on Wikipedia and she decided to test me.
The Test- How many of the 50 movies listed there have I seen.
How many of the movies on the list do you think I have seen?
30?
35?
45?
Nope, I had seen every single one of them…
“My name is Chris and I have a problem.”
Hey, everyone has quirks so don’t judge.
Anyways, the thing I have always found interesting about Disney movies was the fact that they promote the idea of true love.
What is true love?
(P.S. I am also a fan of the Princess Bride)
True love is this idea that love is everlasting and won’t ever end. In other words, if you have true love with someone then you will be with that one person for your entire life and you won’t ever falter or look elsewhere.
It’s an incredible idea but is it real?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Does True Love Exist?
True love is one of the rarest things on this earth.
So yes, technically it does exist.
However, it is very rare and most people never experience it.
Why?
Because it IS possible for people to fall out of love and unfortunately a lot of people do.
I deal with exes every single day…
Technically if these couples were experiencing true love the thought of breaking up with each other wouldn’t even be crossing their minds. Heck, people who are experiencing true love wouldn’t even know this site exists.
The Disney Problem
You know how much I love Disney, right?
Well, as much as I love Disney I do have one issue with their movies.
Their movies have convinced everyone that true love is common when it is not. Look, if you have true love in your life consider yourself lucky because most people can live a lifetime without knowing it.
From a young age we watch Disney movies and from a young age we are taught that there is someone out there that loves just us and won’t ever cheat on us or leave us.
So, this shapes our perception of love and it makes it even more devastating when things don’t work according to plan.
Ok, enough of this depression.
Lets turn our attention to the real reason you are here, to get answers.
Falling Out Of Love…
A while back I sent out an email to my newsletter subscribers and asked them what they would like me to write about?
The very first response I got back was this question,
“Chris, is it possible for a man to fall out of love with you? If so, why?”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWell, technically that is two questions but I think you get the gist of it.
Above I answered the first question,
“Is it possible for a man to fall out of love with you?”
(Yes, anyone can fall out of love and we blame Disney for that 😉 .)
Well, below I am going to be answering the next question,
- Why do men fall out of love with you?
Lets dive right in!
Why Do Men Fall Out Of Love With You?
There are literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of reasons for why a man could fall out of love with you.
Now, I know this is going to be a touchy subject for a few of you since the last thing you probably want to do is take a look at such a negative aspect of relationships. However, if you really want insight into the mind of a man you have to wade through the muck sometimes.
Above I mentioned that there could be thousands of reasons for why a man might fall out of love with you.
Well, I don’t know about you but I can’t sit here and write about thousands of reasons.
(Even I don’t have the time and patience for that and I write A LOT.)
So, what I am going to do for you is give you the most common “fall out of love” reasons that I have seen through this site.
Of course, that isn’t the only thing I am going to do for you.
You see, I believe in giving as much valuable information as I possibly can to you and for this article I have decided that in addition to explaining why men can fall out of love with you I am also going to give you my strategies for safeguarding your relationship to prevent that particular reason from happening to you.
Let’s begin!
Reason #1- The Honeymoon Period Ends
A common complaint you hear from men who have fallen out of love is,
“Things just aren’t the same between us anymore..”
or
“My feelings have changed…”
It’s actually really ironic because the only reason they say things like this is because they get so used to how the relationship feels during the honeymoon period that they grade everything on the relationship based on that feeling.
Take a look at the graph below.
Imagine that, that arrow represents the height of your relationship, the honeymoon period.
It’s a period where you see your significant other as perfect. It’s almost like they can do no wrong or they are some sort of transcendent being.
Well, some men get so used to the honeymoon period that they start grading the entire relationship by that standard.
So, when the honeymoon period wears off and comes back down to earth…
Your boyfriend starts to think there is something wrong in the relationship.
He isn’t developed enough emotionally to understand that the honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship isn’t supposed to last forever. It’s supposed to come back down to earth after a while.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way your boyfriend got it in his head that the way that he feels during the honeymoon period is how he is supposed to feel throughout the entire relationship. So, when the honeymoon period does wear off he starts to think he is falling out of love with you when really what is happening is he is just returning to normal.
So, now that you understand this concept how do we safeguard a relationship from it?
How To Safeguard Your Relationship
In my mind safeguarding your relationship from reason number one all has to do with your selection of man.
A man who thinks he is falling out of love because the honeymoon period ends probably hasn’t experienced a lot of relationships before. This kind of means that in order to safeguard reason number one from happening to you your boyfriends past relationship experience is in demand.
In other words, it can be a bit risky for you to fall for someone who hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience in the past because they might make the honeymoon period mistake.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Reason #2- You Cheated On Him
I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.
When it comes to relationships I am more loyal than a dog.
I mean, some men aren’t made for monogamy but I definitely was.
If there is a god out there I often imagine that when he created me he thought to himself,
“Let’s make this guy the most loyal man on earth.”
So, when you understand that about me you probably also understand that when it comes to people who aren’t loyal I am not really a fan of their actions. Yes, that sometimes puts me at odds with you guys (sorry.) Seriously, sometimes I will read a situation from the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation and think to myself,
“WHYYY… Why would you cheat?”
So, lets do a little role play here.
Lets say that you and I are dating and you make the biggest mistake of your life and cheat on me (and trust me it would be a mistake because I am AWESOME.)
I would without a doubt fall out of love with you because to me cheating is the biggest betrayal you can make in a relationship.
Now, that is just me.
Is it possible that other men can feel differently?
Umm… no, not really.
Even though other men might not be as loyal as I am I guarantee you that they will feel just as betrayed.
But why?
What is it about cheating that makes a man fall out of love?
Why Cheating Makes A Man Fall Out Of Love
I am going to open up a bit and speak from the heart here.
Lets say that you and I were dating and you cheated on me.
(Oh, and I didn’t find out from you, I found out from the guy you cheated on me with. )
Well, in this case I would experience a number of emotions.
I would experience,
- Anger
- Depression
- Self Doubt
- Paranoia
- A Need For Revenge
Lets also make another assumption. Lets say that despite all of this I stuck with you. I decided to try to forgive and forget and move on with our relationship.
Well, I know for a fact that every time you’d go out with your friends, family or you’d be at work I would wonder in the back of my head,
“I wonder if she is f**king some guy right now?”
I would seriously wonder that.
I know it’s an irrational thought to have all the time in every situation but you betrayed me, remember?
Oh, and then I would picture you with some other guy and it would make me furious. Just the thought of him having you or you giving yourself to him in ways that you wouldn’t give to me would make me livid.
Now, I am going to ask you a very simple question.
If you had done this to me do you think I would love you more or less after it happened?
LESS!
How To Safeguard Your Relationship
This one is simple…
DON’T CHEAT.
Or at the very least if you think you are going to cheat and realize there is no hope for your relationship then just break up with your boyfriend so you don’t make more of a mess of your relationship by potentially crushing him for years to come.
Reason #3- You No Longer Admire Him
Men love to feel admired.
I can attest to this.
I want my wife to think I am the greatest man who ever walked the earth. Now, I can guarantee you that I am not the greatest man who ever walked the earth but if my wife thinks I am then all is right in my little world.
(Kind of pathetic, huh?)
The point is simple, I love feeling admired by her and your boyfriend is probably no different.
When you first started dating he probably felt like he was the most important person on this earth to you but something along the way changed.
Maybe you got bogged down and depressed by troubles at work…
Maybe you were having health problems and this caused you to close up emotionally…
Heck, maybe you just flat out started ignoring him and his needs…
Whatever the case you have to remember that your boyfriend has an ego to feed and it is constantly hungry. Now, most women understand this and do a great job of feeding that ego but every once in a while a woman can get preoccupied with other things and completely forget to feed it.
This is a very bad thing because it means a man is going to start to feel a lack of admiration.
A Lack Of Admiration Leads To A Lack Of Love
Lets do another fun little role-play.
Lets say that you and I are dating and when we first start dating you are doing an amazing job of making me feel admired.
You are constantly telling me how great I am…
How handsome I am…
How I have the body of a Greek God…
How out of all the men in the world I am the greatest lover you have ever had…
How I am the best thing that has ever walked this earth…
Did I let that go on for a little too long?
Oops..
Anyways, at the beginning of our relationship I am feeling pretty darn admired.
Lets fast forward three years and change the dynamic of the relationship entirely.
While the beginning of our relationship was marked with you constantly “admiring me” the end of it is marked with you not making me feel admired at all. Instead, all you do now is criticize me (which is perfectly fine every once in a while if I do something wrong.) However, the amount you criticize me is a little too much.
All of those great compliments you were giving me at the beginning of the relationship have disappeared and now I am commonly thinking thoughts like,
“I wonder if she still looks at me in that way…”
or
“I wish I was with someone who appreciated me…”
So, three years later now that the dynamic of our relationship has changed do you think I am more in love or less in love with you?
The answer is quite simple, I am not in love with you anymore because instead of feeling admired I am feeling like I am beneath you. I constantly have to scramble for your approval and I can’t get a compliment from you without first having to ask for it.
How To Safeguard Your Relationship
I know what I just told you is a bit of a shallow outlook on men but I took it to the extreme to make a point clear.
Most men don’t need admiration on a daily basis and oftentimes women who can make men constantly crave their admiration win out in the end. So, there is an advantage to not constantly giving a man the admiration he craves. However, don’t let this fool you into thinking that you can’t ever let your feelings out and admire the man you are dating.
What you really need to do is find a balance between admiring and not admiring (with the intent of making him crave your admiration.)
So, what I would say the best practice is, is to constantly jump between admiring and not admiring.
For example, lets say that one day you decide that you really want to admire your boyfriend and let him know what you really think of him (the good things.) So, you spend the entire day just showering him with compliments and being all lovey dovey…
On this day you are setting the standard and he is going to subconsciously think that you are going to admire him like this every single day.
Well, the next day I want you to spend the entire day NOT complimenting him.
Don’t be mean about it or anything like that.
Just make it a normal day where the two of you interact and have fun but don’t feed his ego with a ton of compliments.
Now, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way so allow me to dive in a bit deeper.You can still say stuff like, “I love you” or “I miss you” but you cannot say stuff like,
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me…”
or
“You have the most incredible body on a guy that I have ever seen…”
or
“You are the most handsome man I have ever seen…”
Do you get it?
One day you shower him with those type of compliments and the next day you don’t show him with them. After a few days you shower him with the compliments again. The idea here is to always keep him guessing and craving these compliments from you.
This way he is constantly seeking your attention.
Reason #4- You Are Way Too Clingy
Lets now turn our attention to a situation where a woman showers her boyfriend with WAAYYY too much attention and expects the same amount of attention in return.
A girl who is clingy is kind of cute at first… until it’s not…
Does that make sense?
No?
Ok, allow me to explain.
Above we established that most men seek attention from women.
In other words, they want to feel admired by them.
Well, what type of girl is more admiring than a girl who loves you so much that she becomes clingy?
So, at first a girl who is clingy can kind of be attractive to a guy. After all, she is really making him feel admired. Of course, there is a point where it becomes too much.
For example, lets say that we are dating and you are starting to become clingy to me.
Well, at first I will probably think to myself,
“Wow, this is kind of cute. She must really care for me a lot.”
Of course, I am under the assumption that your clingy behavior is going to stop eventually. So, when it doesn’t that is when we have a problem. All of a sudden my “cute” thoughts about you turn into “hate” thoughts about you and slowly but surely I will start to fall out of love with you.
So, how are you supposed to prevent this from happening if you know that you are a bit clingy in relationships?
How To Safeguard Your Relationship
The main take away here is that men kind of like a little clingyness upfront BUT only upfront. There is a point where it can be too much. So, if you know you are susceptible to being clingy in relationships then you definitely want to make a mental note to tone it down.
“Yes Chris… I know that but HOW?”
I am going to give you a piece of advice.
If your whole world revolves around pleasing the person you are in a relationship with then you are most likely going to be clingy.
Instead, you should be looking to find another purpose with your life than just this one person you are dating. Look, I know that may be kind of hard to hear since if you are on this website then you must love your boyfriend A LOT. However, remember that you also have to have your own life.
So go get it!
P.S.
Women who end up “getting their own lives” often have an interesting effect on their boyfriends or ex boyfriends.
What is the effect?
Their boyfriends end up being the clingy ones!
Reason #5- You Are Insanely High Maintenance
In a perfect world high maintenance wouldn’t matter.
Whenever I think of high maintenance girls I always think back to that episode of Friends where everyone keeps telling Monica she is high maintenance…
(Sorry for the stupid ads…)
In a perfect world you would all have a Chandler telling you that he likes “maintaining you..”
Of course, we don’t live in a perfect world…
Instead, what usually happens when a guy finds out that his girlfriend is super high maintenance is he gets extremely annoyed.
Sometimes when I am scanning through my own personal Facebook profile I will see one of my friends post something like,
“Yes, I am high maintenance BUT I’m worth it…”
Umm…
No, no your not…
Let me explain something to you.
A girl who is super high maintenance isn’t attractive to men.
Now, before I go on I think it is important for me to define what I mean by “high maintenance.”
What I Consider To Be A High Maintenance Girl
Do yourself a favor, go to Google and type in,
“What is high maintenance.”
Once you do this you will be greeted by two definitions,
- Needing a lot of work to keep in good condition.
- A person (or relationship) demanding a lot of attention.
Most people mistake high maintenance for definition number one. Well, when I talk about high maintenance here on the site I am talking about definition number two.
Ok, imagine for a second that you are in a relationship with a guy and he is constantly demanding all of your attention.
Instead of both of you attending to each others wants and needs it is all about him.
He is completely selfish and seems like he doesn’t ever care about what YOU want in a relationship.
I am betting you would be kind of annoyed.
Why?
Because the relationship would be all about him.
THAT IS WHAT A HIGH MAINTENANCE GIRL IS LIKE.
Selfishly men want their needs taken care of too so this can create a problem in a relationship when their needs aren’t being taken care of.
It creates resentment and resentment and falling out of love go hand in hand..
How To Safeguard Your Relationship
If you are high maintenance and you know it then you have some work to do to safeguard your relationship.
I would say that your best defense in your case is to always make a point of making sure your boyfriend is taken care of.
Also, don’t be offended if he can’t do every little thing you want.
No man is superman…
Well, except me 😉
So, I guess what I am saying is not every man is ME!
(I hope you realize I am just kidding.)
Reason #6- His Needs Weren’t Met (Emotionally or Physically)
(Disney makes yet another appearance….)
No man is going to stay in a relationship (long term) if he feels his needs aren’t being met.
Now, women get incredibly offended when a man tells them something like,
“You aren’t meeting (Need A) or (Need B.)”
For example, if we were dating and I said,
“I feel like you are never there for me when I need you to be…”
No doubt you would take that as me saying,
“You aren’t good enough for me…”
Well, that is really not what I am saying at all.
All I am doing by telling you that I feel like you aren’t there for me when I need you to be is to tell you what I need from you to be happy.
In other words, I am trying to help YOU out in the relationship.
Now, lets say that you really make an effort to “be there for me” and I am still not pleased. Well, in this case you have my permission to be angry at me for still being upset about it.
Why?
Because you are making an effort and that is all anyone can ask of anyone in a relationships.
A Word On Physical Needs
I feel like I am about to kick a hornets nest full of angry women here…
Eh… What the heck, I am going to risk it.
Sex and love go hand in hand…
More particularly, a lack of sex and a lack of love go hand in hand.
I know I am going to get those women out there swearing up and down that their boyfriend is better than that. In fact, I once had a woman tell me that there is more to love than sex…
She is right…
Love is an incredible emotion that has a lot more to it than just sex.
Here’s a fun little test.
I want you to go out and pick a guy to fall in love with. In the first three months of dating him I want you to have an incredible relationship with him. In other words, I want you to laugh, have fun, have deep intimate discussions AND be intimate with each other on a very frequent basis.
Ok, so now that you got him hooked lets test to see if sex really has a correlation to falling out of love.
I want you to tell him that for the next year you will not be sleeping together…
Not once…
You won’t even let him touch you.
How long do you think he would stay with you then?
Something tells me not long.
…..
(Drops Mic…)
I’m out!
Lace
April 12, 2021 at 2:24 pm
You should mention how men contribute to this as well instead of basing your article on all the things the woman is supposedly doing wrong. In my case, it’s because he doesn’t even love himself. He tried to make the most perfect romance story with me until he realized he just didn’t even like who he was so it wasn’t possible to give love to me. He was forcing it.
Loraine
November 23, 2020 at 10:31 am
My boyfriend broke up with me few days ago. That same day we broke up, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. After thinking about it for 2 days, I met him to ask him to solve our problems and that maybe we had a opportunity to make it work, but he told me without any anger that he really didn’t have any feelings for me, that those 2 days of course he missed me but more as a friend but not as his couple. He also told me he didn’t even feel like kissing me or hug me cause there wasn’t love anymore.
After he told me that, I was very neutral and wished him the best, no cry at all, and had been into no contact for these days. I am sure he fell out of love with me because I have been the whole relationship too clingy and he even told me that I was too intense. We have been together for 3 years.
Do you think there is a opportunity for us to get back together? I am focusing on myself and on changing that, but I don’t even know how to make him know I have changed in that aspect…
Olivia
September 5, 2020 at 1:06 am
So I broke up with my bf because we never talked and we didn’t have good communications. Either he or I were too nervous to talk to each other and it just wasn’t working out. But I want to know if he would give one more chance. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for him. I want him to know that I will actually try hard and that I still care about him. What do I need to do to make it obvious to him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 5, 2020 at 8:11 pm
Hey Olivia you dont mention length of time of your relationship. If it was short relationship then yes it is likely just try building a connection with your ex again (after your NC)
Lorie
August 12, 2020 at 1:41 am
I ma 65 ..divorced in 1982 cause he was gay, then finaly remarried 9 yrs ago but he cheated after 2 yrs.. then met my boyfriend and we were together 6 yrs…. as of 3 weeks ago he told me hes sorry but hes no longer in love and doesnt see a future together adn only loves me as a friend He is 70. I live with and take care of my 97 yr old father.. we had a future planned together after dad passes . I have a traumatic brain injury from a fall 15 months ago. It had many repercussion and I can no longer taste, smell ,swim, dance ride a bike, fly in a letc.. I as in ICU for a week and 3 months of all kinds of therapy. Bill was there for me thru out. He says it has nothing to do with our break up..He was always very supportive and loving . I never saw any hint of this coming. I am devastated. Feel like I have nothing to look forward too.. weekend are esp hard. Im use to seeing him. Im still in denial its so painful , very depressed and grieving his loss as weel as still adjuting to a new norm with my health.. hard to function
Jenny
July 24, 2020 at 1:11 am
Hi Chris,
My ex broke up with me three days ago which was right around the time we were supposed to spend our one year anniversary. He was a little stressed financially and said he would rather wait to do something when things were better financially and I said I didn’t care about doing anything fancy, I just wanted to celebrate the day with him. But when he made plans to visit a friend for the weekend to play golf and discuss a potential second job I called him out and told him I felt I was being taken for granted. He had time and money to do something with his friends but couldn’t make time for our anniversary? I did not think he would break up with me from saying this to him. He said he was in a different phase in his life, he said he wasn’t happy with where he is in life and can’t have me be the little bits of his happiness. He said the relationship became more pressure and he felt like he couldn’t be the guy I wanted and said he didn’t see us working out, He isn’t in love with me anymore and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I was blindsided. Just the weekend before we broke up he had said how much he loved me, everything was great or so I thought. We didn’t have a major fight or anything to make me think he wasnt invested anymore, we still spent the same amount of time with each other. We had planned a vacation together for my birthday and when I begged him to try it out and go on the trip and see if we can work on the relationship he said he had been trying and didn’t think there was anything to try anymore. Looking back I guess I was the clingy one, do you think I have a chance at getting him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 24, 2020 at 11:17 am
Hi Jenny, yes there is a chance but you do need to work on yourself a little so that you can show him you are the best version of yourself, the person he met a year ago and that you are not clingy or needy. Work on yourself so that you are the Ungettable and read the articles to help you through the program
Emma
December 2, 2019 at 10:11 am
Hi Chris,
My now ex boyfriend (19) and I (20) just recently broke up about a week ago. We had been dating for nearly 5 years and were high school sweethearts. We go to different colleges, but I always made sure we got to be together 1-2 times per month and when we were home from school. He broke up with me over text a day after our last visit and I begged him to sit down and talk about what happened with me in person (we did 2 dats ago). Ultimately he said he had stopped loving me but doesn’t know when or why. He said he has been lying to himself that he did love me and he did want the relationship (this also lying to me). I had asked him question regarding if he still loved me, if he still wanted to date me, if he would prefer to date someone from his school, and so on during our last visit and he answered positively to all of them. He said he loved me. He told me during our talk that he would feel emotionally drained after being with me even if all we did was cook, watch movies, and visit family. He also said he hadn’t planned to break up with me, but if he’s been feeling like he “didn’t know“ if he still loved me for months wasn’t he? I feel angry because he never mentioned any of this before the break up and I’m hurt because I’m not sure when the love stopped being real. We were talking about moving in together (Closer in time frame) and getting engaged (I know we are young but we were talking around another year). I’m also hurt because he said he “felt nothing good” when he looked at/thought about me. I know I was always the one putting in more effort to be a part of his life and it wasn’t reciprocated. I always planned the get togethers, always texted first, and was driving to him & paying for him every time. I supported him in everything and celebrated with him during his accomplishments. He never took the time to do that in return. I just accidentally FaceTimed him while cleaning out my phone, so I’m not sure where I stand on the NC. I had tried to find the core of the problem during our talk as I was willing to try and fix it. It appeared he had little interest in trying to fix it/already decided it couldn’t be done. I’m still in love with him and I’m feeling like I was taken for granted. I know the break up may not be the worst thing, but he was a huge part of my life and we have memories everywhere as he was also one of my best friends. I’m not sure what to do. Although I still love him I’m not sure how I could trust him in loving me after being told all this and I’m not even sure he will notice the absence I’m feeling and ever think to try again. I was his first long term relationship but he was not mine. Any advice to help me through this would be much appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2019 at 9:49 pm
Hi Emma, so what happens when we spend a lot of time with someone there is the “newness” that makes it exciting, then we get settled and love the person we are with, then that becomes routine, we get used to who we are with and when it becomes the norm, we think we dont “love they way we used to” or that we are not as attracted to someone as we used to be. So it is hard to hear but it is true, that can wear off for some people. This is where Ungettable girl kicks in. And you need to do the work to become that to your ex. Read about it and make sure you do the work that it takes to your life to become that girl!
Christianne
October 25, 2019 at 9:38 am
Hi Chris,
My partner and I have split up recently. He said that he just doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. He has “fallen out of love”. We have been together for a year and a half… he keeps saying he doesn’t exactly know what he wants… we barely argue and it was extremely out of no where for me. I had thought we were drifting but when it came to asking him he reassured me we weren’t. We are meant to be going away in January and he was asking if the flights has been booked and my immediate thought was okay he doesn’t want to go, and he said he doesn’t know where he is at. I called him and he said he needed a break, I broke down at work and called him and he said he didn’t know where he was at and wanted a break. Breaks never work, I don’t want to be strung along. He is hoping that because we have split up he will miss me and it’ll show him what he really wants but I don’t know 🙁 I’m so beside myself. I fear he won’t fall back in love with me. I won’t find better. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.
We are still going to talk and everything but I’m still so in love with him that I can’t talk to him forever because then I will never get over him. I’m giving him until the start of December, if nothing happens from now to then we are going to go our seperate ways because I can’t continue to break my own heart. Do you think this is the right thing to do? Can you give me any more advice. I want things to work with him. He feels we don’t necessarily have the spark anymore. Which leads me to think he has come out of the honeymoon phase between us…
what am I able to do to make him either fall back in love with me or for him to realise he is making a mistake. I miss him everyday and can’t help but want to talk to him. I try and avoid talking until he wants to…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 27, 2019 at 9:24 pm
Hi Christianne, so if you want a chance of getting him back then you need to follow the program as Chris explains leaving him and you do nothing – is not going to get him back… No Contact is for 30 days for a reason and that is to give you both some space from the negative. Then reaching out as a friend not as an ex and talking positively about an interest of his where you exchange maybe 4 maximum messages then leave him alone for a few days and reach out again. You need to read some more articles about how to get an ex back and how texting theory works to understand this process properly
Janie
July 7, 2019 at 10:03 pm
Hi Chris, is it clingy or too much to ask for if I’m asking my boyfriend (now ex) to text/call at least once a day or at least don’t leave me hanging? He was annoyed when I was upset because he felt like I was having a go at him all the time. I’m secretly worried that he was talking to other girls because there was a change in his behaviour and attention towards me. 🙁 We sort of broke up in the end…
Katie
May 29, 2019 at 6:29 pm
Hi chris,
My bf and I of 1.5 yr had an arguement, we are long distance and often get into tricky conversations which usually dont go well over the phone. He said like a switch, he just didnt know about the relationship anymore. For a month we had couple good and mostly bad days where he was avoidant. I was a few weeks away from moving in. He decided breaking up was best. I did no contact for 5 days until i had questions about my stuff at the apartment and he said he misses me but is gone forever and he doesnt think theres a chance to work on anything. I’ve started no contact again. He travels to his ex wife house to see the kids 2 days a week, of course I’m worried hes involved with her again. Am I just holding onto an idea of something that’s really gone?
Chris Seiter
May 29, 2019 at 11:03 pm
Hi Katie…it does seem like NC would be the right medicine here. I hope you are using EBR PRO!
Katie M
May 19, 2019 at 1:16 pm
Hi,
My partner of 8.5 years and I broke up a month ago today. I had caught him cheating with a girl he works with. At the start of April he told me he “no longer felt like a couple”, which turned into “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
Over a period of two weeks he kept telling me that he wasn’t sure how he felt and agreed to come to couple’s therapy. At the session he said he “wanted the relationship to end”, but never actually said the words it’s over.
The day after that session he went away for the weekend (with this girl), but pretended it was to get space so he could think.
I confronted him the day he got back. He told me that if I hadn’t confronted him that he would have stayed with me until he could have found a place.
I am devastated. I was forced to break up with him because of how he acted. Now I feel even more lost than I did when he told me he no longer felt like a couple.
He’s acting like I don’t exist, like our relationship never existed. I have been trying to be understanding, but I am so hurt.
He is treating me like a crazy ex. All my friends are telling me I should be angry, but all I am is sad.
I can’t believe this has happened. Cheating I had said was a dealbreaker (as had he), but I know in my heart that if he came back I would consider it.
He has told me that he is 100% done with me, and has no feelings for me at all anymore.
Is there any possibility that he might eventually realise what he’s lost? He says he’s “happy” with her, and that physically he’d felt things with her that he’d been trying to feel with me for a while but couldn’t.
I need some help with this, please.
Katie M
May 19, 2019 at 12:35 pm
Hi Chris,
I’m not really even sure where to start with this. My partner Sam and I were together for about 8.5 years, prior to that we had been friends for another 4 years. We met online through our love of writing, and met up properly when I was in my third year in college.
For the first two to three years of our relationship we were long distance (him in the UK and me in Ireland). After that Sam moved over to Ireland for about two years. During that time we moved into our own place together and had some very happy times and also some sad times.
In 2015 he moved back to the UK (to get work in his field) and we continued doing the long-distance. I had myself in a good routine with work, so had he and we were both happy. In 2016 I moved over to the UK to be with him. After doing so I experienced significant homesickness and was over-working (which did put a strain on our relationship – but we talked it out and came out of it together).
After a year in the UK Sam agreed to come back to Ireland with me. We got a place together (at his insistence that he didn’t want to share with other people). The following year passed quickly. Sam took a job at a company that paid well but that he didn’t really feel comfortable in. I encouraged him to find something that he would like to do.
In February of this year he started a new job and seemed happier.
We were both working away, and everything seemed ok.
At the start of April he told me that he “no longer felt like a couple”, that he “loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore”. I was shocked. I tried talking to him about it, but once he had said it it was like he’d just stopped caring. I would get upset and he wouldn’t comfort me.
After two weeks of trying to work on it together and with a couple’s therapist he went away for a weekend to clear his head. I discovered that he had begun flirting with a girl from his office and that he was taking her away for the weekend away.
When he came back, he lied about where he had been, gotten annoyed at me when I started taking about our relationship as he thought he’d been clear that we’d broken up.
I confronted him that night and threw him out the next day.
He told me that if I hadn’t found out he would have kept living with me, seeing her and never told me and left once he’d gotten a new place.
I was forced to end it with him because he was too afraid to say the words.
That was a month ago today. I have tried my best to be no contact, but initially failed at this. He is so cold towards me, he barely acknowledges my existence. He acts as though the last 8 years with me never happened.
He said he’d felt differently for the past six months, but wanted to try and work it out for himself.
I am doing my best to keep going and move on, but I am hurting so much. His attitude hurts me more. He said so many horrible things to me including that he thinks he’s 100% done with me and has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore.
He seems to be in complete denial, has told me he’s “happy” with this new person and that he’s most likely going to ask her out.
The logical part of me agrees that him cheating is unforgivable, but I’m still in love with him despite everything.
I don’t know what to do, and in my gut I feel like we’re not done with each other.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Chris Seiter
May 19, 2019 at 2:35 pm
Hi Katie….a lot of my clients have had good success in employing the No Contact Rule and the rest of my Program (EBR Pro Bundle), so you should take a close look at as there are many elements to this entire process.
Haeven Clark
May 14, 2019 at 9:36 pm
Hey Chris.
Me & My ex broke up a little over a week ago, we weren’t together long. Only a month. After the break up, he had told me that he wants to be with me but just needs time. I kind of didn’t respect what he said & ended up blowing his phone up. I’m trying NC but ended up breaking it. Today, he went out & bought a whole new phone. He deleted me on Snapchat but didn’t block me. We’re still friends on Facebook & He still follows me on Instagram. (He also, didn’t respond when I contacted him other than to tell me he got a new phone) he hasn’t contacted me at all since the breakup & I just do not know what to do. I’m stuck. Please help!
Chris Seiter
May 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm
Probably best if you have a sensible plan going forward both for you own healing as well as how you can stick with NC as it can be an effective strategy if implemented correctly.
Belinda Bacon
April 8, 2019 at 7:01 pm
My partner left me 2 months ago He said his feelings were not as strong as they were
He recently lost his mother who he really loved
and is depressed
I started N\C and managed 21 days I broke it yesterday
I love him so much and really miss him
He was nice when I phoned him says he has no one else and dos I’d want anyone else
Just wants to be on his own
I don’t know what to do please help
Kate Javellana
March 25, 2019 at 7:41 am
Hi Chris,
I was in a relationship for 7 years with my ex. We broke up 26 days ago to be exact. We were very much happy during our relationship. We were pretty much of best friends. However, just last February, I got really upset about him because he was not able to visit me during one Saturday. I blocked him on all social media sites and he did not try to contact me. After a week of no communication, we talked and he already wanted to break up. He said that he felt unappreciated, worthless and he thinks this is a cycle every time I’m upset with him, he feels really bad and he thinks I deserve someone better. He was also stressed with work and his family and I added to his stressors. I gave him another week to think about it but I got impatient so the following day, I confronted him about an alleged 3rd party in their office (but I later found out that this girl is just a close friend, more of a mentor). He broke it off. He told me he was not as happy as before. He told me that he fell out of love 3 years ago but he didn’t tell me anything, thinking he could fix it by himself. During the past 3 years, he was really sweet and we were really happy but now he said he is not as happy as we were for the 1st 4 years of our relationship. I accepted it because I didn’t want him to be unhappy. I asked for a 2nd chance but he thinks this will still lead to another break up which will be more painful.
After the breakup (Feb 27), we met on March 2 to hear mass to give thanks for our beautiful and happy 7-year relationship. It felt really light and we were happy. He said he wanted to be friends because he thinks we’re better off as friends. He said he’s happy when we’re together but he does not crave for my presence when I’m not around. I accepted it. After this last meet up, he insisted we shouldn’t contact each other for 1 month.
But during March 21, I had to break the No Contact due to financial matters. We had a small catch up and he said he got promoted, etc. He even said “It was nice catching up with you!” but after this catch up I asked him again if he really does not love me anymore. He said he really doesn’t feel the love anymore. I sent him text messages to apologize, that I’ve learned a lot from our breakup, and said my final goodbye.
I am starting NC all over again and I unfriended and unfollowed him on all social media sites. Did I do the right thing? What would be the next step I should do? I’m really in shock because he was really sweet the past few days of our relationship. I did not expect it at all.
Chris Seiter
March 25, 2019 at 11:27 pm
Hi Kate..so if you are starting NC all over again, my advice is to keep the social media channels open as you can leverage that to reinforce your value and give him an eye upon what you are up to – think of it as dropping little indirect message. You might also want to tap into my Special Topic eBook, The No Contact Rule Book” as its rather comprehensive and should help in many ways!
LC
March 7, 2019 at 12:39 am
What does it mean when a guy says, “I am looking for something different that I was not able to find with you and I wish there was a nicer way to say it but there isn’t.I don’t know what that is and my goal is to hopefully one day find out.”
Background: He was in an 8 year relationship 20-28. He is now 29, we both are. He started dating 5 months after their break up. I was a year after their breakup. He told me he loved me and all of that and we were talking future plans and everything. Suddenly, he said he was depressed. He was not ready for the relationship that I want. And that he was losing his individuality. That he feels that he isn’t ready. Ok. We break up. I break down a week later I text him, I miss you. He comes over we talk and he spends the night (no sex). He said he wants to think and see if this is what he wants. Thursday he calls me, doesn’t come over and said it’s over. Ok I was hopeful but then we agreed to make Saturday night a date night to see if we could be friends. Well, he cancelled on me. Alright well then instead I went out with some girl friends to ease it. Sunday happens. This is where I get crazy. I had this intuition the entire relationship about this girl on Instagram. He told me they have only talked once. Ok no big deal but then I check her profile. (Dumb me). She posted a text by him. I flip out. Mind you I deleted his number and blocked him on everything. Butttttt I had his number still from our conversation on Thursday. I confront him. Turns out that she asked for his number on Thursday and they have been talking non stop since. He said he was sorry that he didn’t mean to hurt me. Side bar: we all go to the same gym and she lives 2-3 hours away but visits out here for her family… This is where I told him wow…. You are so disrespectful towards me. My past was every relationship, I have been left for other women (3/3 serious ones). Only one came back begging. This is what hurt the most.
1. Was I in the wrong to say how disrespectful it was since he knew my past as well as knew how I felt about her?
2. Do you think he would come back even after my crazy fit?
3. What does the above quote mean?
Yuhsh
February 15, 2019 at 1:38 am
Hi. I was in a relationship for 14 months with a man who i planned my future with. We had plans and we would tell each other we move each other before we went bed every night without fail. During the last few months, his grandad passed away and he gave me a cold shoulder for 2 weeks. I remained by his side as I understood it was a difficult period for him. He then wanted a new job as his current one was too far, thus adding more stress. We had a few disagreement here and there about his lack of effort and just general couple arguments- but it was something we could get over. One night during an argument over text he said he felt guilty betraying mother (she didn’t know about us and she is very overprotective) – although he always promised he wouldn’t leave without a valid reason, he tried to break up. I fought for it, and called him and cried to which he said fine let’s work it out. The next few months were bliss, yes we had slip ups but it was nice. He got a new job and he started appreciating me more. We were great. Until two days ago, he broke up with me. He got angry over something small and blamed me for the downfall of the relationship. He said he hasn’t loved me for a while and stopped feeling for me ages ago. Only 7 days ago he sent me the sweetest message ever and now he is telling me to find someone else and that he is over us. It makes no sense but ultimately he said he doesn’t want to betray his mum. I am confused, i still love him. I am going through a difficult period in my life at the moment and he abandoned me. Yet i stayed by his side when he was facing difficulties. I’m his first ever girlfriend.
Chris Seiter
February 16, 2019 at 12:58 am
Hi Yuhsh!
Seems to be a lot of stress with this guy you are dating which is rubbing off on you and the relationship. Though it is odd that he just came apart at the seams over such a small thing. Perhaps he really doesn’t quite know his feelings and his conflicted. I know its hard but that is one of the things you can work thru during a NO Contact period. I have written extensively about this and how it works for you and potentially for the relationship. I recommend you pick up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it serves as a blueprint during this post breakup period and will also be very helpful with the healing and recovery you need to undergo.
Tammy Marshall
January 7, 2019 at 6:23 am
Hi, I’ve been dating a guy thats 28, I’m 48. He’s my sons best friend. The first 2 months were awesome. He said that age didnt matter. We texted constantly and went out every weekend. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Then all of a sudden, communication from him slowed down a lot. We eventually had a couple of arguments about this and now things have totally changed. We didnt speak for about a month after the last one. We are friends again but things are definitely different. Now we are texting again but hes slow to respond and seems distant. We go out once every couple of weeks. When we’re together, it’s like we were before. We have so much fun like it was in the beginning. We’ve agreed to take it slow but he just seems so distant. He blames this on his hobby, which is building cars. I can’t figure out what’s wrong. I know he’s not seeing anyone else. What should i do? Im giving him space. Should I just give up? I’m so confused. Thank you, TJ
C
January 3, 2019 at 3:47 am
Hi Chris,
I was in a relationship for two years. It was overall a good, loving relationship but near the end we fought a lot. He told me he couldnt give me what I needed, that he couldnt make me happy, and he didnt want to hold me back anymore. Essentially, I was pushing for an adult relationship. I wanted to know if he saw me in his future but he could never give me a clear answer. I wanted to travel the world with my partner, and he knew that. I am worried now that by him saying all of those things to me at the end, that it was a cop out. That he didnt love me enough to try to meet me half way. We havent seen or spoken to eachother in two months. I now feel like I was more invested than he was the whole time. That I loved him more than he loved me. I am truly devastated.
S
December 9, 2018 at 2:59 am
Hi.
I need an advice.
We were engaged for only little while
Before the breakup there’s a lot things happened. I lost my dad and feeling depressed and he gave up everything even friends to be there for me. But I was going kind of crazy and we set the rules and when he left me he said he felt like prisoner that he can’t take it anymore. After few weeks of breakup. He still told me good night or I love you. But recently he stopped texting me and he doesn’t tell me good night or I love you anymore. It really hurts because I was already pictured growing old together as partner. After while I realized me blamed him for couple things really hurt him and that rules made him lose his man control and he even told me he is scared of me and that don’t want us back together because he lost everything. I don’t know what to do.
Chris Seiter
December 10, 2018 at 1:02 am
HI S…I know you are going thru a lot of difficulty..but you are going to get thru this. You should give NC a look and pull the focus on your personal recovery.
Amber
August 31, 2018 at 5:26 pm
I started dating a guy after I had already had a kid by someone else and at that point in time she was already 2.5 or 3 years old. Fast forward to now me and this guy have had two kids of our own and at first when it was just my daughter and I with him he was do sweet and would help out at home etc and after our first son was born he helped out a lot at home etc. I feel that after our other son was born that he changed. I dont know when it happened really but we have been together for almost 7 years in total and for the past 3 weeks I think it’s been now give or take he isnt with me anymore. We were fighting a lot mostly in my opinion as he just wasnt being there for me like he should have. He would go out to do odd jobs or whatever it was that he did and he would start sleeping on the couch. We havent been intimate like we were in the start of the relationship but again that’s because he started not being sweet and helping etc and it just seemed like he was not caring about how I felt as long as he got to have sex that was good enough for him. I did everything for our kids and him like dishes laundry etc and he would constantly say that he was the only one working that me staying at home wasnt a real job etc. Everything became like he could do no wrong and everything was my fault. I finally hit a breaking point like I thought I did before and told him to get out…. last time I said that he left for a few days maybe a week. I said it this time and I went away for 2 weeks for a vacation back home to see friends and family like I had done the year before and we fought when I left just like last time and now we aren’t a couple. I want him back with me and the kids. I know we are all probably better off without him for many reasons but I’ve never been good on my own and now with all the kids and having almost 7 years devoted to him it seems very scary. He says he left cuz I wanted it etc he says one day we are done and acts so cold then another day he can talk like we are friends and that after we have been apart for awhile that we can maybe work it out but not live together etc right now…. is this just to string me along?? Is it just too much stress to handle right now?? Thoughts??