By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 8th, 2021

I have been staring at my screen for about five minutes straight trying to find the perfect angle to attack the no contact rule from.

If you hadn’t noticed, lately I have been writing about the no contact rule a lot and I feel like today’s the day to deepen your understanding even further.

But I have to be honest with you, I’ve been coming up blank on finding a no contact rule topic that would interest you.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

You see, while I was having my deer in the headlights look an idea popped into my head.

Wait, why does the no contact rule even work?

I often talk about how great the no contact rule is but it occurred to me that I haven’t ever touched on why it worked.

I mean, if a gun was held to my head and I was told that I had to convince someone to try the no contact rule out how would I convince them?

Well, that’s where this article comes into play.

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Here Is How I Am Going To Structure This Article

I thought I would be a little unique today and structure this article a bit differently than you are used to.

You see, it occurred to me that if someone is going to go to Google and type in “will the no contact rule even work?”


They have to be having serious doubts about whether or not to even use it.

So, instead of approaching this article as if I were explaining the benefits of the no contact rule I have decided that I am going to approach this article like I am trying to convince someone who is super skeptical about it.

Get it?

So, let’s pretend that you are someone who doesn’t want to use the no contact rule on your ex.

What would I have to say to convince you to start using it?

Maybe you should check out our ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

(Because in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s kind of an important thing to try out. )

Let’s begin!

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The No Contact Rule Is Universal

A lot of people don’t know this but I actually recommend the no contact rule in just about every breakup situation.

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Now, what do you think I mean by that?

Well, most of the women who end up on this website have one goal in mind,

They want to get their exes back at any cost

In fact, many women are so desperate for results that they literally throw themselves at my feet begging me to give them the “magic bullet” to win their ex back?

And as much as it pains me to say this,

There is no magic bullet.

It’s at this point that I let them in on my overall strategy for getting an ex back (which includes the no contact rule.)

Now, not to toot my own horn but I have been lucky enough to see some pretty amazing results with this strategy,

But I am getting way off topic here.

A big part of the strategy that I teach to get over an ex utilizes the no contact rule. However, someone who is going to try out my strategy is clearly in a space where they want to get their ex back. It never crosses their mind that the no contact rule can also be used to get over an ex.

Hence the title of this section.

The no contact rule is truly universal.

A few weeks ago I was asked by a reporter from The Cheat Sheet for my take on “The Honeymoon Period.”

My response to her was pretty darn simple,

During the honeymoon period your body is overflowing with oxytocin. In fact, every time you see your significant other oxytocin gets released and almost reinforces the good feeling that emphasizes the honeymoon period. Thus, your body is training you to fall in love every single time you see your significant other.

Now, why am I telling you this story?

Well, it’s important to realize that the no contact rule is really your best bet to counteract the chemicals being released by your body.

Think about it for a minute.

How do most people handle a breakup?

Well, they do everything they possibly can to get their ex back.

They obsess over him…

They cry over him…

Spy on him…

Stalk him…

Call him a million times…

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All of these types of behaviors can trigger memories that cause Oxycontin to be released.

Therefore, it becomes more and more difficult to get over an ex.

However, when you utilize the no contact rule you are doing so with the intention that you aren’t going to obsess over your ex. You aren’t going to spy on him. You aren’t going to stalk him. You won’t call him a zillion times.

You are training your body to be ok without him.

Thus, the no contact rule can actually be used with the intention to get over an ex.

However, like I have already mentioned.

Most of you reading this article don’t care about that.

Instead, you care about the components of how the no contact rule can help you win your ex back.

Let’s take a look at that.

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What Makes The No Contact Rule Work

There are really three main components that make the no contact rule such an effective strategy to use on your ex.

  1. Reactance
  2. Improvement
  3. Breaking Addiction

Now, if none of these “components” make sense to you then that is completely ok.

That’s what I am here for.

Of course, before we start getting into specifics it might be important to actually define what the no contact rule is.

I have a very different approach to the no contact rule than you might think.

You see, most experts out there will tell you that you should only use the no contact rule as a way to make your ex miss you and while it can certainly do that it’s a little bit shortsighted.

Here is how I define the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule: A period of time where you ignore your ex (except in certain circumstances) with the intent of make him miss you while at the same time giving yourself an opportunity to improve yourself and break your addiction of thinking about him too much.


Deep breath…

That was a lot.

Now, when you look at that definition can you pick out where the three components that I was talking about above come into play?

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Here, I’ll make this easy for you,


But what do they mean?

What is the purpose behind these three components?

Why do they even work?

Well, let’s talk about each of the components individually and break them down from there.

Component One: Reactance

Reactance is a psychological principle.

I believe the exact definition looks a little like this,

Reactance- is a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.

But what does this even mean?

Psychology is such a great thing when it comes to “ex recovery” but the truth is that it’s a bit dry and it can be very overwhelming to someone who isn’t practiced.

So, I am going to do what I do best.

I am going to break it down for you to it’s simplest form.

You like chocolate chip cookies, right?

Well, let’s pretend that I made a whole batch of them and right as you go to reach for one I slap your hand away,


Ok, this isn’t exactly a slap on the hand but you get the idea.

“Why did you do that?” you ask me.

“You can’t have these. I made these for only me” I tell you.

By depriving you of eating a cookie I am essentially taking your freedom away to have cookies. So, in turn the cookies begin to look more appealing to you and you start to take specific actions to sneak a cookie behind my back.


Simple, because when I took your freedom away you are likely to react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

Now, let’s apply this same principle to something simple like the no contact rule.

By ignoring your ex completely except in those specific circumstances you are depriving him of his freedom to talk to you. So, it stands to reason that he is going to react in a way to try to get his freedom back.

The end result is that he is going to take specific actions in line with HIM missing you.

Of course, most people who recommend the no contact rule do it for this reason alone.

But I find that most of those people don’t have an understanding of WHY the no contact rule makes an ex miss you.

But the Ex Recovery Team and I have found that this is the least effective component of the no contact rule. It’s actually the people who implement the other two components that have the greatest success when it comes to their exes.

In fact, that’s a perfect segue. Let’s talk about the next component now.

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Component Two: Improvement

The no contact rule presents you with an opportunity.

Now, I am a huge fan of the acronym FEAR.

(I promise that I’m not reinventing the wheel hear.)

You see, when most people go through a breakup fear takes hold of them.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Run

They can’t deal with the pain. So, instead they rely on the “reactance” part of the no contact rule to make everything all better. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.

Yes, by ignoring your ex boyfriend you can technically raise the chances that he will miss you. However, my team and I have found that the best way to speed that process up is by utilizing FEAR in another way.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Rise

Instead of just sitting on your hands hoping that your ex will have this epiphany and come back into the picture I say take a proactive approach.

Why not use the no contact rule as an opportunity to cultivate your life?

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“Ok, but how do I do that?”

Great question, I recently did an interview where I was asked what advice I could give to my younger self.

It took me a while to come up with something but ultimately I came up with my “holy trinity” technique.

If you don’t know what that is then I recommend you check this out.

I will give you a quick crash course though.

If you could divide your life up into it’s three most important aspects you would probably pick,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Now, the trick with this “trinity” is to find a way to maximize each aspect while achieving a healthy balance.

So, let’s pretend your holy trinity spread looks like this at this very moment,


Your health seems to be decent but your wealth and relationships have taken a massive hit.

Well, instead of letting this fact break you (like so many people tend to do) let’s look at this as an opportunity for improvement.

Remember, we are very “glass half full” here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

So, let’s attempt to get this type of a spread,


Do you see how everything is maximized and balanced at the same time?

Pretty awesome, right?

Here’s the thing that I left out though.

Getting everything perfectly balanced and maximized is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried in my life.


Well, in order to fully explain this I first must talk about our most finite resource in the world, time.

As a human beings we only have a certain amount of time that we can dedicate to this process every single day.

Let’s break this down.

1 Day = 24 hours

According to research the average person SHOULD sleep between 6 to 9 hours per night. So, let’s say that you are averaging around 7 hours at night.

All of a sudden our 24 hours of time to work with becomes 17 hours.

After Sleep We Have 17 Hours To Play With

Now, let’s assume that you wanted to work on your holy trinity during this 17 hour period every day.

What would your spread look like?

Well, in a perfect world it would look a little like this,


Now, some of you may be wondering why I didn’t choose every aspect to have 5 hours across the board.

Well, working on health for 5 hours a day is the type of training that professional athletes are used to and since I don’t think most of you are professional athletes I don’t think you will be able to do that.

The spread above is ideally what you should be shooting for.

Of course, I still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room.

If you recall, we had a total of 17 hours to work with and I have only addressed 12 of those hours with the holy trinity. Why do you think that is?

Well, I want you to have some down time to do whatever you want.

  • Watch a movie
  • Watch tv
  • Play video games
  • Read a book
  • You get the picture

But remember, this spread is only supposed to be happening in a perfect world.

Do we live in a perfect world?

No, absolutely not.

Usually our real spread looks like this,


We work too much without exercising.

And usually the only time we get to spend cultivating relationships is within our own family. Now, there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes it’s a good idea to meet more people but I am getting way off track here.

My point by showing you these graphics is to highlight how difficult it is to maintain a balance of the holy trinity.

Because putting time into one aspect takes away from another one.

Keep this in mind as you progress.

The Holy Trinity During The No Contact Rule

So, now that you have the nuts and bolts on how the holy trinity works let’s talk a little bit about how it will fit into the no contact rule.

The number one mistake I see women making over and over during the no contact rule is simply relying on component one (reactance) to do all the work when it comes to getting their ex boyfriend back.

After all, how could improving yourself help you get your ex back?

Actually, I would say that if you rely entirely on reactance to do all the work you are taking a huge risk that probably won’t pay off.

Why do I say that?

Well, think of it this way.

Half of the battle with making sure you stay true to the no contact rule is keeping yourself distracted. You see, there are a lot of people who start the no contact rule with the right intentions but the addiction takes over and they end up breaking it.

(Don’t worry, we are going to talk about addiction in a second.)

Utilizing a tactic like the holy trinity during the no contact rule is going to keep you distracted enough to where you will have an easier time staying in no contact.

On top of that, I have always found that the people who go above and beyond with the holy trinity have this really attractive vibe that pays off later on in the process.

But let’s not get off topic here.

We still have another component to talk about.

Component Three: Breaking Addiction

If you are an avid reader of this website then you have probably heard me say,

The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that lights up in a cocaine addict going through withdrawal.

It’s kind of my go to quote to make people realize how difficult it can be for someone going through a breakup.

I got the quote from renowned anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who once famously compared love to a drug.

Of course, I am often given a difficult task by my clients to find a way to cure the addiction that is a breakup not by moving on but by getting that person back.

Well, one of the things that I have learned in my years here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that there is nothing more unattractive than a breakup junkie.

Allow me to expand.

Breakup Junkie- Someone who won’t stop obsessing about their ex to the point that it becomes annoying to them.

I’ll give you an example of a breakup junkie.

Yesterday I got an email from a woman who wanted to hire me as a consultant.

Yay me, right?

Eh…. not so much.

As I read her email she casually explained that she had already hired someone to advise her on how to get her ex back and after months of attempting a campaign this person advised her to try moving on.

That’s when she decided to fire him and look for someone who was going to give her actionable advice directly relating to getting her ex back.

Now, there are a few issues with her situation.

She is clearly obsessed about her ex to the point that she is willing to throw out good advice that could actually help her. You see, the reason I am not taking her on as a client is because I would give her the same type of advice.

Try moving on.

I have actually found that this is the most effective way make your ex want you back after you have turned them off.

I’ll admit, it’s a huge leap of faith for a lot of people. In fact, most scoff at it but the results are undeniable.

The problem with the breakup addict girl I am talking about is that she probably ruined her chances of getting her ex back because she annoyed her ex to the point that he was turned off.

And believe me, it can happen.

It’s not her fault though.

She is just a love addict looking for her fix.

She’s not thinking logically.

And that’s where the no contact rule can come into play.

By essentially imposing a forced time out you can take some time to let the addiction die down.

Hence, that’s why this component is called “breaking addiction.”

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297 thoughts on “Does The No Contact Rule Even Work?”

  1. Jessica

    August 2, 2020 at 1:44 am


    My ex and I dated last year for 4 months. I have a preschool aged boy. Unfortunately all of our time together was spent with my child in tow not to mention family and friends. He is very introverted. He broke things off telling me he was not ready to commit.

    We have talked off and on, I’ve done no contact once. And since just became steady friends. With me every once in awhile showing my true colors that I still have feelings for him. I went 6 months without doing so but finally, after he said he still has feelings for me but does not want anything more, I told him I think we should both move on. And that I can’t talk to him anymore.

    Much of the time after our initial breakup was spent breaking down his trust barriers so we could even have an honest conversation about what happened. That has happened now but I feel like I’ve been letting him have his cake and eat it too.

    Can I treat this as a no contact again? Do I respond if he gets back in touch?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 5, 2020 at 11:58 pm

      Hey Jessica, you would need to go into a No Contact and follow the program properly and ignore him for at least 30 days before speaking with him again

  2. Vanessa

    August 14, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    What if your boyfriend ghosted you and is doing his own no contact first? How do you handle that?

  3. Kitkat

    July 21, 2019 at 2:55 am

    Hi, my ex broke up with me yesterday after almost 4 years of being together. He came to my house to break it off in person. At first, I cried and begged him to stay. But he just didnt see a future between us. He didn’t want to keep hurting me and lead me on. So I let him go. Its been one day since NC. I miss him so much. I want to talk to him but I know I cant. My birthday is next week. If he tells me happy birthday should I reply with a thank you? Or is that not allowed?

  4. Hilary

    July 2, 2019 at 9:21 pm

    Okay so my ex and I have been together for about two years. He ended things with me a little over a week ago. I’m 22 and he’s 24 and we have known each other since I was 15 and he was 17. We were on and off in high school, he even took my virginity lol. then after high school dated here and there but I knew I always wanted him. About three years ago we became very close friends and did a lot together but became intimate quickly. Started officially dating about two years ago and had a really awesome and beautiful relationship. Like I mean we did so many things together, traveled so much together and shared so many memories. He was my other half. Of course we fought but never broke up or were on and off. Our relationship was very consistent and all in all good. Never cheated and we were also so affectionate and full of love.
    He’s had a hard life in the past few years and was living with me at my house for a year and a half, I go to school at home so I still live with my parents. A month ago he moved into his own apartment and I helped him with everything, like everything. We have always done a lot for each other but I certainly poured myself into him and took care of him.
    Last weekend I came home from a girls trip and that Sunday he broke up with me. I was completely blind sided and was not expecting it at all!! His car broke down earlier that week so I let him have my car that whole weekend while I was away, I got dropped off at his work, picked up the key then when I came to his house later that night was when he told me he wanted to break up. I was not accepting it. I begged him and pleaded him to change his mind. I cried and cried. He would not budge and was very firm in his decision, although he was also crying and upset. When he explained why he was ending things he said he had been thinking about it for a few weeks and that he does not feel the same way about me that he used to and has tried to fight it because I am very good to him, he didn’t want to hurt me and we have a lot of up coming plans this summer. He said that he needed to do this and he was not going to change his mind. That he wanted time and space from me and to focus on himself and his own life. I definitely had a melt down and continued to beg him to not do this. He did not change his mind and that was that.
    The whole week after that I would call him and send him paragraph after paragraph saying anything I could to get him to regret it and come back to me. I’d text bomb him, send him so many videos and pictures of all of our memories we made together. No matter what I did it was like he shut himself completely off from me. Days before that he was telling me he loved me and calling me his baby and then it was like he was like a stranger again. I started to annoy him with texting him constantly and being extremely emotional. He would tell me I would be okay and I’ll get through it but thats not what I wanted to hear. He also did tell me that he wanted us to work but he needed time and space from me and that he has hope in our relationship but that I need to give him space. I wanted to give him space because I wanted to do anything to get him back but I. Could. Not. Stop. Texting. Him like no matter how much I tried. He got extremely annoyed with me and began being cold toward me telling me to leave him alone and that I need to relax and that if I want this to go anywhere I have to leave him alone. I saw him yesterday and ended up sleeping with him. We talked too and he still seemed firm in his decision. He actually seemed perfectly fine. It had been one week since he ended things with me yesterday and he did not seem upset at all or seemed like he missed me. He also didn’t call me babe and called me by my first name, which sounded foreign to me. I read that this stage in the break up he is feeling relief and because I have been in communication with him, he has the mind set that he still has me and does not have the chance to miss me yet. I haven’t talked to him since this morning I know I NEED to start no contact. It’s just so hard and I’ve been obsessing over it. But I do hope with no contact he will miss me and think of all the good things about our relationship. I also know I need to force myself to find myself again. I am scared to do no contact because I’m scared if I don’t talk to him he will become used to me not being around. I just hope that we get back together in time.

  5. Whiskers

    May 20, 2019 at 12:51 pm

    My partner of around 20 months broke up with me due to the numerous serious issues he has with his family and career at the moment. He just cannot be here for anyone else, and the situation could go on for years.
    In retrospect, I cannot say it wasn’t expected, and he is actually completely right regarding the situation.
    When we were together, we used to communicate all the time.
    We haven’t contacted each other since the breakup; it’s been ten days.
    Is there any hope?
    Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      May 20, 2019 at 2:45 pm

      Hi Whiskers….so yes, I think you can enhance your chances if you are making use of a sensible ex recovery plan and also doing things to help yourself with the healing and recovery side of all of this. I think understanding No Contact and how it works will benefit you.

  6. Casey G

    May 7, 2019 at 9:49 am

    So me and my ex of 2 years got into a bad fight and we broke up 11 months ago. I begged and begged for him back. After about 3 weeks of me trying I gave up and started to move on. I hung out with another ex who was always a friend of mine and he freaked out. He started hearing I was hanging around guys and a rumor that I cheated. No matter what I do I’ve accepted I couldn’t change his mind about the truth. However, no matter how much he said he was done, he always found a reason to show up at my house and fight with me about something he heard. Eventually, the drama setttled down and we continued to Bascially date but without the title (his ego is huge and he didn’t want to admit he got back with me because he thought I “cheated”). The love was still there, and I was pretty sure we were gonna get back, since he said so.

    Then after 8 months of going back and forth and basically getting back, he just left (about 3 months ago) Blocked me and left Bc we got into a tiny fight. Things changed up so fast. I have to admit I went so Crazy as to email him and create random instagrams to try and contact him. He responded sometimes, but he recently told me about a week ago to stop repeating my same old “imy and let’s keep trying” speech. After I saw that email from him, I gave up on contacting him and realized I should have left it alone. Is it too late to start NC? Is there any hope?

  7. S

    April 26, 2019 at 3:57 pm


    So my situation is complicated and I’m not quite sure how to feel. I started seeing this guy mid December 2018 and things moved pretty fast for us. We had an instant connection and I felt very comfortable and close with him very early on. The problem was, I am in the military and knew I’d be deploying for 4 months end of January 2019. I told him this before we even started hanging out.

    He didn’t seem to bothered by that and we continued to see each other every weekend for the remainder of my time back home. Once I deployed we talked every single day for the first 2.5 months. There was one time about 2 months in where he became distant. I asked him if he still felt the same and he said yes, and was hopeful for the future. After that we were back to normal and constantly communicating.

    And then it happened. About 2 weeks ago he started disappearing again. I got annoyed and decided to back off for the most part. But one night after not hearing from him for 2 days I questioned what was going on.

    He messaged me telling me that he was sorry for his absence, and wanted to be honest and let me know he has been talking to someone, and feels it may go somewhere. Being only 1 month away from my return home I was very hurt and upset. I don’t think I was too crazy, I just let him know how upset I was, and questioned why he ever bothered getting involved with me knowing I’d be gone for 4 months. He was very apologetic, and said he never intended for this to happen, but I still felt hurt knowing he didn’t care enough to not go out and start talking to a new girl.

    I ended the conversation by saying, he’s made his choice, and it wasn’t me. Have a nice life. He never responded to that, and I Immediately applied the No contact rule.

    I unfollowed him from Instagram, but he still follows me. The first 3 days of no contact he was still viewing my stories, but never reached out to me.

    It’s been 8 days of boncontact so far. Now he seems to no longer be viewing my stories, or at least not fully through.

    I was very angry at first, but now my anger is a lot milder. Only every once and awhile when I think about him choosing another girl over me does it make me feel awful again.

    I’m not sure if he’s still pursuing this new girl or not. But he hasn’t posted anything making it obvious.

    I’m working on myself, and my new plans for my return home next month. But I still don’t feel quite over him. I know I shouldn’t want him back, seeing bad how he chose someone else over me. But I’m still thinking it through and trying to be reasonable knowing we spent a short amount of time together before I left for a 4 month long deployment.

    Do you think he will try to contact me again? Especially if things don’t work out with the new girl in the ways he intended? If he does reach out should I give him a second chance?

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 26, 2019 at 5:01 pm

      HI S…so I think you are on the right track with No Contact. Just follow thru as I discuss in my Program and continue to work on being the best “you”, but not for him – rather you are doing it for yourself. Tap into my eBook, EBR Pro, if you have not already as it goes thru much more detail than I can here!

  8. Laura

    January 7, 2019 at 9:42 pm

    Hi i met this guy sometime in may 2018.he tried to get me out on dates on several occassions and i declined.then he travelled for school and was away for 3months.when he was away we talked on a daily bases.almost 7 times a day.the connection was great and we were never bored with each other.few days before he returned i travelled and met him and we returned together.everything was great.then he started pulling away.we will talk everyday but he will hardly invite me out for a drink.if we met i always initiated it or we just happened to meet.i gave him too much attention(i acknowledge that) we will spend nights together and we never had sex if we did i initiated it.but he will always text and call to find out how am fairing.but he was distant and never gave me the attention i think i deserved.we talked 2 weeks ago and i told him i want to quit the relationship because i think he is distant and driving me nuts.he gave his explanations and believe me all of them were was like i had no reason to be worried.then a week went by and he never initiated any contact but was always out with his friends.he will be online but write to me i could feel that he was distant and it was like am putting pressure on him.i have not say anything.but for a week i have not said a word or called him.he dropped messages twice and i have not responded.j really do like him and we were great at the start but i feel like i put pressure on him and he pulled away.i just want things to be normal.i really don’t know if am doing the right thing by going silent for a while.

  9. Sandra

    March 19, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    No contact does work.I was in a seemingly great relationship for almost a year when out of nowhere got dumped because the man “needed space”.I was heart broken but didn’t overreact and decided to let it go,no contact.I started concentrating on myself.It was the hardest thing to do but kept to it.A few weeks later I started receiving simple texts like “hi” or “how was your day”.I didn’t respond initially but they kept coming.When I felt like I could respond without getting emotional,I eventually replied on my time . It seemed like he was attempting to friend zone me so I mirrored his messages and never said more than he would.Then one day he asked if I’d meet up for dinner. I showed up,looking and feeling great with only one goal in mind-to simply have fun and enjoy our time together. I was nice,friendly but at the same time kept a little distance because I read about not giving in and always leaving your ex wanting more. Since then he’s come on full force and wants the relationship back so these tips really do work.
    Just FYI my guy also told me what was going through his head when I wasn’t responding.He said that he was missing me so bad,it made him rethink his decision of “space” and all he could think about was the good times we shared and he made a mistake letting me go. So now I know that even though he wasn’t texting or calling,I was on his mind constantly.Mine is a hard one cause he’s very straight forward when he makes decisions normally.I initially thought it was just over and there was no chance of bringing him back because of that. This shows that if your relationship wasn’t bad and you follow the tips,there is hope:) I normally don’t post on these sites but when I got dumped,I was looking for answers on what to do.I hope this will help.

  10. Christina

    August 4, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    So my ex boyfriend broke my heart 3 weeks ago when he broke up with me. We had been together for a little over a year and half. We got along great, loved each other, I got very close with his family and friends. This was one of his first serious relationships so he has been hesitant throughout our time together when any sort of drama or rift occurs he would retreat. I have been implementing no contact now for 4 days. At first when he broke up with me I begged, pleaded (very pathetic) but I realized he would not budge. His reason for the break up was that he did not see a future with me and I think things got stagnant, I became dependent. When we first met I was independent, working out everyday and I think that really attracted him. But I got injured and somethings in my life happened where I became very needy and clingy, I basically morphed my life into his. I think this is what brought him to break up with me, that is was not very attractive. When he first broke up with me he cried and was very emotional, but during the week we hung out as friends I pretended like everything was fine and we slept together and hung out, but it was clear he was sticking to his decision. I then made a mistake and had some drinks with some friends and called him all emotional. He told me the next day that I clearly was not moving forward and that I need to get over him and that we should implement a no contact. The thing is we have a weekend planned together that was planned before the breakup (my birthday present) a hot air ballon ride. We were planning on doing a theme park one day and the hot air ballon the next. This tip is supposed to be happening in a week and he wanted us to have no contact until then for things to “cool off.” This has been the longest we have gone with neither of us initiating contact. I want to go and have a fun weekend but I know the no contact is supposed to be for 30 days and at that point it would be 2 weeks, however the trip is paid for and he seemed open to doing the balloon at least and to “talk about” the theme park and staying over night. I feel like the breakup was very unexpected and rash. I have been working on getting my old self back, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, started gardening again, joined a soccer rec team, rock climbing every other day.. I realize that I was dependent on him and I know if he gave it another shot things would be very different. I have moved my stuff out of the house and have stayed strong these 4 days to not contact him, which he may be thinking I can’t sustain. I know I want him back and miss him sooooooo much! How to I start contact again after 2 weeks and ask him about the hot air balloon trip, I think it would be a good way for us to have a good time together, but I don’t know if he wants to make a weekend out of it or just do the balloon trip or what, I don’t know how to even approach the question, how should I act after the trip? Sorry so long!! please help!

    1. Marta

      August 8, 2017 at 7:29 am

      I would strongly recommend that you don’t go. My boyfriend and I broke up this past Sunday, but I’ve known for about a month it wasn’t working on his end as the same thing happened – I became dependent. I moved to his city so naturally I was dependent and have only been here 2 months (clearly I would rely on him way more considering it’s a foreign city) but like you – it’s as though he finds the dependence unattractive. Not you, but the dependence. He doesn’t find you as valuable anymore because he thinks you will always be there.

      Basically, if you want to break the cycle of dependence – you are going to have to go on this trip with your friends. Show him what you can do without him!

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 4:29 pm

      Wouldn’t that be awkward? How would you portray you’re moving forward from him if you’re still expecting to be with him in your birthday? I think it would be better to go there with your friends instead.. Because it looks like you’re holding him up on a promise he made when you were still together.. For me that would be awkward because he just broke up with you.. If you’re still going, dont count this time as no contact.. Do it after meeting him..

  11. Ash

    July 18, 2017 at 1:47 am

    Hi, I need some advice in my situation. Recently my ex backtracked on our relationship after a petty fight. He distanced himself for a week, and out of the blue messaged me thathe feels like I pushed the relationship even though he wasn’t over his ex at the time. He told me he couldn’t give any girl he wanted cause his priorities were elsewhere. We talked on the phone and I told him my feelings clearly, and I would appreciate it if we talked about it in person. He agreed but mentioned how he wanted to keep seeing me since he doesn’t want to lose contact with me and because he’s always happy when we’re together. He flaked on our meeting all because my text sounded sarcastic. I realized my mistake and apologized to him, but he wouldn’t take my call. He didn’t contact me until I apologized again and mentioned how important he is to me and how I miss him. He sent me a snap and has been replying regularly about what he’s doing. He even responds in matter of minutes, but I try to keep the conversation short and light replying only after a couple of hours have passed. I thought I could talk to him now, but he muted my call saying he’s with family. He never called back. I feel like we’ve broken up. It hurts, but I have started the NC for a couple of days now. I wanna just focus on myself to become a better person. Because I know I have prioritized my relationship with him before taking care of me, and that isn’t right. I am realizing that I deserve to be treated better, but what should I do if he sends me snaps? This is how he usually communicates. Is it rude to just watch it and not say anything, or should I not open them at all?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2017 at 9:42 pm

      Hi Ash,

      it would be better not to open it because you’re still emotional.

  12. EBR Team Member: Amor

    July 14, 2017 at 12:58 pm dont need to restart

  13. Luu

    July 6, 2017 at 10:41 am

    I’ve completed 30 days of NC (not talking to him), but I got to admit that I still think a lot about him (maybe obsessively), searching a lot of “how to get him back” online and didn’t improve myself much. I mean, I analyzed our relationship and I’m fixing my mistakes (working on being happy without him, not being needy, fixing and organizing my life) . Should I start NC again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2017 at 7:58 pm

      It’s normal that you would still think about him but you need to improve yourself and be active in posting, so yes, restart nc..

  14. Katy

    July 3, 2017 at 1:23 am

    My ex broke up with me a month ago.
    One day I threatened him about breaking up because he turned distant. The next day I begged for him back but he said no. He said it made him realize that he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t need to be with anyone (his ex cheated on him and hurt him.) The next few weeks I made the mistake of begging. At times he agreed to thinking about getting back together, and meeting up. After I asked again, he said no. It was a very firm no. He offered to still talk to me as friends, but I told him I need to move on.
    This is what he told me: he said he is in a bad place right now. He said it’s possible we could date in the future but not to wait for him. He also said “we shouldn’t talk”…and then added “right now” quickly almost as if he wasn’t ready to say goodbye forever.
    He would not meet in person as it would hurt me. He said we could in 1-2 months. I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks, and I plan not to initiate the conversation. My question is how likely is it for us to get back together? It baffles me how easily it is to lose feelings for someone. I honestly believe a lot has to do with his ex, and he still is trying to move on.
    I just don’t know if I should wait on him. I have 2 more weeks of no contact left as of today. Am I doing ok? I’m having a hard time and don’t want to meet new people. What do I do?

    1. Katy

      July 6, 2017 at 8:50 pm

      Thanks for the reply! I feel like with time I’m getting better. I’m just trying to focus on me…
      I recently posted a selfie on Instagram and a story of fireworks. He saw my story and he unfollowed me. That was the last social media we followed each other on. Why do you think he did this? If he “lost feelings” how would it matter if he was looking at my life? I would be then just like the hundreds other girls he follows right? All I know is I had some kind of effect on him.
      Anyway, I’m following him but he isn’t following me anymore so posting will not help remind me of him.
      What do I do? And should I unfollow him too or use it to my advantage? Is my chance of getting back together ruined.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2017 at 1:24 pm

      how much are ýou improving yourself and how active were you in posting?

  15. Joni Fryling

    June 14, 2017 at 12:15 am

    My boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago after being together for 3 1/2 years, it hurt me so bad I tried taking my own life!! The pain is undescribable.. He continued to tell me he loved me up until the day he walked out saying we weren’t compatible and he just didnt see a future for us. We did everything together and had a lot of great times. He is 10 years younger than me, but that didn’t matter when we first started dating… He even said he felt addicted to me, because I made him feel so good. I’m in utter disbelief as to why he changed his mind. He won’t even talk to me anymore!! I’m destroyed, can’t even get out of bed the pain is so bad!! I want him back in my life.. Any suggestions would be great. Yes I’m seeing a counselor!! I love him so much!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 4:38 pm

      have you received the extras? do at least 30 days of nc and check this one:
      EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?

  16. Mariah

    June 7, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    Hey, so my situation is a little unique. My ex and I have known each other for about 7 years. We’ve been through a lot. We were actually together for about 2 and a half years, off and on. We have broken up 3 times and I was always the one to initiate the breakup. The last time I broke up with him was about a year ago and I started seeing someone else, but never lost contact with my ex. We still talked all the time and even slept together occasionally. I ended the thing that I had with the other guy months ago and realized that I still love my ex. We had talked about the possibility of us getting back together in the future and have even said “I love you” multiple times. Just over a week ago, he started ignoring me and I found out through Facebook that he went to Vegas with another girl who I knew he kind of liked, but was under the impression that it wasn’t that serious. He ignored me the entire time he was there and when he got back, we met up and talked. We both cried, he told me he still loves me, but he’s really starting to like this girl and he “just needs time”. He also said that he’s in a relationship with her now, since Vegas. He tells me to move on and that he hates seeing me like this, but he also will tell me what we had is more special than what he has with her and that he’s just hurt from me breaking up with him 3 times and just needs time. I have no idea what to do at this point. I feel hopeless. It’s been about 3 days of NC, but I’m worried he’s moving on and going to forget about me since he’s with her now. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 10, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      Hi Mariah,

      do at least 30 days and then dont be friends with benefits again.. check this one:
      What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Moves On To A New Girl (Video)

  17. Shelby

    May 8, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    I am in major need of help and what is the next right move to do. My ex and i dated for about 2 years, been broken up for 3 months now. Unfortunately she has now found a “rebound” and i fear that they may end up in a relationship. Yes i am said she, my ex girlfriend. She has told me she has love for me and misses me but does not think after the ups and down we have been through that it’s a possibility of us getting back together. Of course who doesnt go through ups and downs? Nobody is perfect and we were in love. I know in some cases, exes can come back depending the situation, but after telling her that i refuse to be an option i felt that going into NC might work to show that im serious and she can’t always have her way. I cherish her friendship but i feel like the hurt is getting me more now after seeing them out together in public. Does going into NC have an effect on en ex when they are trying to move on? I know this is about an ex girlfriend and not boyfriend but i hope maybe it can have the same effect. any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 11, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      it’s better to do nc because that increase chances.. it helps not to be in the friendzone with her

  18. nillie

    April 27, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    hi, i need help. i met a guy and we were friends with benefits for 6 months, while sharing a deep emotional connection and feelings, and weve been throuh a lot together (hes ded passed away this time too). i wanted something serious and he won’t, so it stopped. 3 weeks later i sent him a text asking for him to do an important favor i really needed from him, and on the weekend weve met on coincidence. i just said hello and kept going, i was ignoring his texts and it was driving him CRAZY. he didn’t stop thinking about me, and told me he wanna meet up and talk, saying he wants to be with me. weve been happy together for 2 amazing months, and then we had a fight about my mistakes lately (i was flirty and close for too many guys who i have history with). i apologized, chaned and became absolutely PERFECT, but he said he can’t be with me anymore because it makes him cold and distant and he don’t think that will pass. he left me 3 days ago. do you think the NC will work? what about using jelousy and this case? and one more thing. on the brakeup i told him to never talk to me again or even think about getting back. will it have an influence?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 30, 2017 at 8:10 am

      It’s not yet too late.. Even if you didn’t cheat, approach it like you did because that what he thinks..

  19. Alex

    April 19, 2017 at 9:02 pm


    My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago… I begged, cried, acted needy, said things I didn’t mean, bought him gifts, you name it, I did it…

    I only started the NC rule a week ago. Will it still work even though it was 3 weeks after the breakup?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 26, 2017 at 1:50 pm

      there’s no guarantee that it will but it’s not yet too late

  20. Vanessia Johnson

    April 17, 2017 at 4:57 am

    so me and my boyfriend of two months recently ended things a week ago April 8th was our anniversary, he broke things off with me, but anyways I’m just confused at this point because last time I went over to his place ( living together) to collect some of my clothes he stopped me and wanted to talk things out, which me did. He got all emotional ( literally crying) because he felt like he wasn’t good enough for me, long story short he kissed me and said he wanted to start things off slowly, like getting to truly know each other before developing into another relationship. so I agreed. Of course there was flirting and we made up inside his house then I left, a day or two later he messaged me saying he we better off alone, he didn’t feel good enough to be with which was b.s. and he thought I wasn’t happy with him, another b.s. At this point I was confused and hurt and of course angry so I called him up that night and totally went off on him telling him confused I was from that while kissing and making up session we say that previous day, he said he didn’t mean too, it’s just every time he sees me he automatically wants to kiss me and hug me and hold me because he misses me. The phone calls d 3 hours of us talking about memories and laughing and flirting here and there, but we both knew we didn’t want to move on from each other. A couple days after that phone call he went all M.I.A on me (Missing In action) and to be honest it scared me more than anything so yeah I blew up his phone frantically and left several calls/Voicemails not knowing any better so i let it go for the night. Next day I waited til he was off work and decided to call him on my dad’s cell phone, surprise! he answered! we talked again for 3 or 4 hours talking about little things and not giving up on each other, I told him about I’m attending therapy sessions and told him exactly what the therapist said to me that he probably needed time and space for himself to think. Which TADA! she was right, he went M.I.A on me because he need space and time to breathe. So i talked to him about that and he admitted that that’s exactly what he was doing. So a couple days went by i decided to message him just say I have a good day and he’d reply, then I’d ask him if he wanted to go lunch he would reply with the no I’m good but thanks tho … I let that go for a few hours then decided to message him again but on Fb (Facebook) there were pictures involved because I thought why not..Hours went by until midnight hit he saw the pictures! but…he hit me with the I dont think we shoykd be sending these back and forth, I’m sorry I didn’t reply, i told you i needed space and would reach out to you when i was ready… truthfully my heart sank, I felt ashamed of myself, he told me to leave him alone and not to call/text him anymore.. so i left him on seen and started the NC (No Contact Rule) im on day 4 now with absolute 0 contact to him. oops! I left out he even admits he hates waking up and sleeping without me there. makes him miss me. so he stays at his parents so he has company. anyways do you think he’ll contact me when he’s ready? I’m respecting his space. do you think he’ll reach to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 22, 2017 at 1:51 pm

      Whether he’ll reach out or not, finish the 30 day no contact period. be active in improving yourself and in posting and then take it slow in building rapport after nc

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