Does The No Contact Rule Even Work?

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

I have been staring at my screen for about five minutes straight trying to find the perfect angle to attack the no contact rule from.

If you hadn’t noticed, lately I have been writing about the no contact rule a lot and I feel like today’s the day to deepen your understanding even further.

But I have to be honest with you, I’ve been coming up blank on finding a no contact rule topic that would interest you.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

You see, while I was having my deer in the headlights look an idea popped into my head.

Wait, why does the no contact rule even work?

I often talk about how great the no contact rule is but it occurred to me that I haven’t ever touched on why it worked.

I mean, if a gun was held to my head and I was told that I had to convince someone to try the no contact rule out how would I convince them?

Well, that’s where this article comes into play.

Here Is How I Am Going To Structure This Article

I thought I would be a little unique today and structure this article a bit differently than you are used to.

You see, it occurred to me that if someone is going to go to Google and type in “will the no contact rule even work?”

screen-shot-2016-11-28-at-11-14-17-am

They have to be having serious doubts about whether or not to even use it.

So, instead of approaching this article as if I were explaining the benefits of the no contact rule I have decided that I am going to approach this article like I am trying to convince someone who is super skeptical about it.

Get it?

So, let’s pretend that you are someone who doesn’t want to use the no contact rule on your ex.

What would I have to say to convince you to start using it?

(Because in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s kind of an important thing to try out. )

Let’s begin!

BUT FIRST… There’s Something Important You Need To Know

I have been helping men and women get back with their exes for over half a decade and I have learned that most people have preconceived notions when they end up on my site. They think that all they have to do is follow the directions that I give them on the page and they are good to go. Now, while this may hold true in some cases I will say that the no contact rule is usually such a complex process that I can’t explain everything there is to explain about it in one simple article.

Luckily, I have created an “ultimate resource” for you to follow to not only help you understand the correct way use the no contact rule but to also help you get your ex back.

All you have to do learn about this resource is to click the button below,

Master the No Contact RuleWith Tactics I Just Can't Post Publically...

 

The No Contact Rule Is Universal

A lot of people don’t know this but I actually recommend the no contact rule in just about every breakup situation.

Now, what do you think I mean by that?

Well, most of the women who end up on this website have one goal in mind,

They want to get their exes back at any cost

In fact, many women are so desperate for results that they literally throw themselves at my feet begging me to give them the “magic bullet” to win their ex back?

And as much as it pains me to say this,

There is no magic bullet.

It’s at this point that I let them in on my overall strategy for getting an ex back (which includes the no contact rule.)

Now, not to toot my own horn but I have been lucky enough to see some pretty amazing results with this strategy,

But I am getting way off topic here.

A big part of the strategy that I teach to get over an ex utilizes the no contact rule. However, someone who is going to try out my strategy is clearly in a space where they want to get their ex back. It never crosses their mind that the no contact rule can also be used to get over an ex.

Hence the title of this section.

The no contact rule is truly universal.

A few weeks ago I was asked by a reporter from The Cheat Sheet for my take on “The Honeymoon Period.”

My response to her was pretty darn simple,

During the honeymoon period your body is overflowing with oxytocin. In fact, every time you see your significant other oxytocin gets released and almost reinforces the good feeling that emphasizes the honeymoon period. Thus, your body is training you to fall in love every single time you see your significant other.

Now, why am I telling you this story?

Well, it’s important to realize that the no contact rule is really your best bet to counteract the chemicals being released by your body.

Think about it for a minute.

How do most people handle a breakup?

Well, they do everything they possibly can to get their ex back.

They obsess over him…

They cry over him…

Spy on him…

Stalk him…

Call him a million times…

All of these types of behaviors can trigger memories that cause Oxycontin to be released.

Therefore, it becomes more and more difficult to get over an ex.

However, when you utilize the no contact rule you are doing so with the intention that you aren’t going to obsess over your ex. You aren’t going to spy on him. You aren’t going to stalk him. You won’t call him a zillion times.

You are training your body to be ok without him.

Thus, the no contact rule can actually be used with the intention to get over an ex.

However, like I have already mentioned.

Most of you reading this article don’t care about that.

Instead, you care about the components of how the no contact rule can help you win your ex back.

Let’s take a look at that.

What Makes The No Contact Rule Work

There are really three main components that make the no contact rule such an effective strategy to use on your ex.

  1. Reactance
  2. Improvement
  3. Breaking Addiction

Now, if none of these “components” make sense to you then that is completely ok.

That’s what I am here for.

Of course, before we start getting into specifics it might be important to actually define what the no contact rule is.

I have a very different approach to the no contact rule than you might think.

You see, most experts out there will tell you that you should only use the no contact rule as a way to make your ex miss you and while it can certainly do that it’s a little bit shortsighted.

Here is how I define the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule: A period of time where you ignore your ex (except in certain circumstances) with the intent of make him miss you while at the same time giving yourself an opportunity to improve yourself and break your addiction of thinking about him too much.

Whew…

Deep breath…

That was a lot.

Now, when you look at that definition can you pick out where the three components that I was talking about above come into play?

Here, I’ll make this easy for you,

three-components

But what do they mean?

What is the purpose behind these three components?

Why do they even work?

Well, let’s talk about each of the components individually and break them down from there.

Component One: Reactance

Reactance is a psychological principle.

I believe the exact definition looks a little like this,

Reactance- is a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.

But what does this even mean?

Psychology is such a great thing when it comes to “ex recovery” but the truth is that it’s a bit dry and it can be very overwhelming to someone who isn’t practiced.

So, I am going to do what I do best.

I am going to break it down for you to it’s simplest form.

You like chocolate chip cookies, right?

Well, let’s pretend that I made a whole batch of them and right as you go to reach for one I slap your hand away,

slap-face

Ok, this isn’t exactly a slap on the hand but you get the idea.

“Why did you do that?” you ask me.

“You can’t have these. I made these for only me” I tell you.

By depriving you of eating a cookie I am essentially taking your freedom away to have cookies. So, in turn the cookies begin to look more appealing to you and you start to take specific actions to sneak a cookie behind my back.

Why?

Simple, because when I took your freedom away you are likely to react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

Now, let’s apply this same principle to something simple like the no contact rule.

By ignoring your ex completely except in those specific circumstances you are depriving him of his freedom to talk to you. So, it stands to reason that he is going to react in a way to try to get his freedom back.

The end result is that he is going to take specific actions in line with HIM missing you.

Of course, most people who recommend the no contact rule do it for this reason alone.

But I find that most of those people don’t have an understanding of WHY the no contact rule makes an ex miss you.

But the Ex Recovery Team and I have found that this is the least effective component of the no contact rule. It’s actually the people who implement the other two components that have the greatest success when it comes to their exes.

In fact, that’s a perfect segue. Let’s talk about the next component now.

Component Two: Improvement

The no contact rule presents you with an opportunity.

Now, I am a huge fan of the acronym FEAR.

(I promise that I’m not reinventing the wheel hear.)

You see, when most people go through a breakup fear takes hold of them.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Run

They can’t deal with the pain. So, instead they rely on the “reactance” part of the no contact rule to make everything all better. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.

Yes, by ignoring your ex boyfriend you can technically raise the chances that he will miss you. However, my team and I have found that the best way to speed that process up is by utilizing FEAR in another way.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Rise

Instead of just sitting on your hands hoping that your ex will have this epiphany and come back into the picture I say take a proactive approach.

Why not use the no contact rule as an opportunity to cultivate your life?

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“Ok, but how do I do that?”

Great question, I recently did an interview where I was asked what advice I could give to my younger self.

It took me a while to come up with something but ultimately I came up with my “holy trinity” technique.

If you don’t know what that is then I recommend you check this out.

I will give you a quick crash course though.

If you could divide your life up into it’s three most important aspects you would probably pick,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Now, the trick with this “trinity” is to find a way to maximize each aspect while achieving a healthy balance.

So, let’s pretend your holy trinity spread looks like this at this very moment,

holy-trinity

Your health seems to be decent but your wealth and relationships have taken a massive hit.

Well, instead of letting this fact break you (like so many people tend to do) let’s look at this as an opportunity for improvement.

Remember, we are very “glass half full” here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

So, let’s attempt to get this type of a spread,

holy-trinity

Do you see how everything is maximized and balanced at the same time?

Pretty awesome, right?

Here’s the thing that I left out though.

Getting everything perfectly balanced and maximized is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried in my life.

Why?

Well, in order to fully explain this I first must talk about our most finite resource in the world, time.

As a human beings we only have a certain amount of time that we can dedicate to this process every single day.

Let’s break this down.

1 Day = 24 hours

According to research the average person SHOULD sleep between 6 to 9 hours per night. So, let’s say that you are averaging around 7 hours at night.

All of a sudden our 24 hours of time to work with becomes 17 hours.

After Sleep We Have 17 Hours To Play With

Now, let’s assume that you wanted to work on your holy trinity during this 17 hour period every day.

What would your spread look like?

Well, in a perfect world it would look a little like this,

holy-trinity

Now, some of you may be wondering why I didn’t choose every aspect to have 5 hours across the board.

Well, working on health for 5 hours a day is the type of training that professional athletes are used to and since I don’t think most of you are professional athletes I don’t think you will be able to do that.

The spread above is ideally what you should be shooting for.

Of course, I still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room.

If you recall, we had a total of 17 hours to work with and I have only addressed 12 of those hours with the holy trinity. Why do you think that is?

Well, I want you to have some down time to do whatever you want.

  • Watch a movie
  • Watch tv
  • Play video games
  • Read a book
  • You get the picture

But remember, this spread is only supposed to be happening in a perfect world.

Do we live in a perfect world?

No, absolutely not.

Usually our real spread looks like this,

holy-trinity

We work too much without exercising.

And usually the only time we get to spend cultivating relationships is within our own family. Now, there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes it’s a good idea to meet more people but I am getting way off track here.

My point by showing you these graphics is to highlight how difficult it is to maintain a balance of the holy trinity.

Because putting time into one aspect takes away from another one.

Keep this in mind as you progress.

The Holy Trinity During The No Contact Rule

So, now that you have the nuts and bolts on how the holy trinity works let’s talk a little bit about how it will fit into the no contact rule.

The number one mistake I see women making over and over during the no contact rule is simply relying on component one (reactance) to do all the work when it comes to getting their ex boyfriend back.

After all, how could improving yourself help you get your ex back?

Actually, I would say that if you rely entirely on reactance to do all the work you are taking a huge risk that probably won’t pay off.

Why do I say that?

Well, think of it this way.

Half of the battle with making sure you stay true to the no contact rule is keeping yourself distracted. You see, there are a lot of people who start the no contact rule with the right intentions but the addiction takes over and they end up breaking it.

(Don’t worry, we are going to talk about addiction in a second.)

Utilizing a tactic like the holy trinity during the no contact rule is going to keep you distracted enough to where you will have an easier time staying in no contact.

On top of that, I have always found that the people who go above and beyond with the holy trinity have this really attractive vibe that pays off later on in the process.

But let’s not get off topic here.

We still have another component to talk about.

Component Three: Breaking Addiction

If you are an avid reader of this website then you have probably heard me say,

The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that lights up in a cocaine addict going through withdrawal.

It’s kind of my go to quote to make people realize how difficult it can be for someone going through a breakup.

I got the quote from renowned anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who once famously compared love to a drug.

Of course, I am often given a difficult task by my clients to find a way to cure the addiction that is a breakup not by moving on but by getting that person back.

Well, one of the things that I have learned in my years here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that there is nothing more unattractive than a breakup junkie.

Allow me to expand.

Breakup Junkie- Someone who won’t stop obsessing about their ex to the point that it becomes annoying to them.

I’ll give you an example of a breakup junkie.

Yesterday I got an email from a woman who wanted to hire me as a consultant.

Yay me, right?

Eh…. not so much.

As I read her email she casually explained that she had already hired someone to advise her on how to get her ex back and after months of attempting a campaign this person advised her to try moving on.

That’s when she decided to fire him and look for someone who was going to give her actionable advice directly relating to getting her ex back.

Now, there are a few issues with her situation.

She is clearly obsessed about her ex to the point that she is willing to throw out good advice that could actually help her. You see, the reason I am not taking her on as a client is because I would give her the same type of advice.

Try moving on.

I have actually found that this is the most effective way make your ex want you back after you have turned them off.

I’ll admit, it’s a huge leap of faith for a lot of people. In fact, most scoff at it but the results are undeniable.

The problem with the breakup addict girl I am talking about is that she probably ruined her chances of getting her ex back because she annoyed her ex to the point that he was turned off.

And believe me, it can happen.

It’s not her fault though.

She is just a love addict looking for her fix.

She’s not thinking logically.

And that’s where the no contact rule can come into play.

By essentially imposing a forced time out you can take some time to let the addiction die down.

Hence, that’s why this component is called “breaking addiction.”

Published December 7, 2016, | Modified December 8, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (155)

  1. Sohurt90 - 0

    Sohurt90

    Hey Amor,

    Hate to keep bothering you. After making no attempt to texting nor calling him. Although he block my number he text me one of his favorite pictures of me and he unblock me from FB. My number is still block tho. What to do?

    Reply
  2. Erica - 0

    Erica

    My ex boyfriend and I share two kids together and additional two kids each from previous relationships. We have lived together 10 of the 14 years together. Total 14 years together. He woke up on 06/21/15 and said he no longer wanted to be in this relationship and was going to move out. I was devastated and crushed, but I didn’t want to beg him to change his mind. I cried and asked why and respected his decision. His reasoning was he didn’t like how he felt in our relationship anymore. He wasn’t happy. He packed a few things to move in with his aunt who lives down the street from our house. He did not completely move out for 10 months after the initial break up. He went from sleeping on couch to sleeping in bed with me. After 10 months I felt he was trying to have all the benefits without the title anymore so I packed the rest of his stuff and asked him to leave. Even after he left he kept coming back over and staying on the couch and trying to be with me physically. Down the line we still acted as if we were together, but we were not. And he had no intentions coming back. A few months after a few arguments and talks about what’s going on I stopped contacting him… it lasted a week until he said he realized he did love me and did miss me… but somewhere after the roller coaster ride he still did not want to get back together. He eventually started to back off from me. Just the past 3-4 months we’ve argued and talked about this relationship. It’s usually just me initiating the conversation and him not wanting to talk about it. Just recently he is finding a getaway and comfort in a female friend who he says he’s able to just feel at peace with and talk about anything and everything but their only friends. She has been the subject of the past 1-2 months of my obsessive texting, angry words, begging to work it out… pretty much all the things you say not to do… I’ve done. He has told me time again that this isn’t the way or how to work things out… he said I just keep pushing him further and further away. The last thing he said is he doesn’t know if he can ever come back after this… he said I’ve been controlling and needy and suffocating him and he doesn’t think I will ever change. He said he loves me and cares about me, but he’s not in love. He’s just tired of the drama and wants peace, happiness, and positive energy. I’m assuming this is what his female friend gives him and why he says she’s his getaway because he doesn’t have to worry about feeling bad or unhappy or have to talk about relationship. He said he hasn’t thought of her no more than a friend. He still comes by or text me a few times, but I just recently about three days ago decided to stop contact. But he’s the type who is tit for tat and will become angry and hold a grudge if he sees I’m ignoring him and will text me things like “I will notate you ignoring me”… then he’ll try to do to me the same. He has not tried to text me since I’ve stopped contacting him three days ago unless about kids. He did try to call today but I ignored it.
    After a year and half breakup…Have I lost him to my begging and pleading, getting angry and emotional saying things I don’t mean, hate text, spam texts, overemotional texts….etc???

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Erica,
      you had a long time together, the memories are not easy to forget..but he also knew at a certain way for a long time.. so, stop chasing now.. start changing

    • Erica - 0

      Erica

      Hi amor,
      I’m not really understanding your response. I’ve stopped chasing him. I also stopped calling and texting him successfully for a week now. He has been the one initiating all texting until the last two days when he realized I wasn’t responding. He has decided to not text me either. I’m trying to complete the no contact but it seems it’s difficult when he has a key to the house and at times I come home and find him here. He carries a conversation and with respect I respond. This takes away from my purpose of the no contact when he comes to the house to see kids or if he’s dropping them off. He puts himself in a position to still visually see me. He also recently surprised me with lunch with a note apologizing for being a jerk. I’m confused as to what he wants from me. I didn’t understand the note. He also got me a gift 2 weeks ago apologizing for hurting me. I hurt and miss him but he seems to still confuse me. He says I push him away but as soon as I stop all that he still contacts me. He shows no sight of reconciliation as he’s been just going out with friends now a lot and seems to be happy and enjoying life and not missing being a family. I’m confused

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s probably because he’s feeling guilty.. stick to being distant.. when he initiates a talk, reply short, direct but polite responses..
      He has to think you’re moving on and improving which I think, you’re doing a good start by stopping to chase him..keep that up, improve yourself, have a new routine with yourself and with the kids..

  3. Kat - 0

    Kat

    Me and my ex broke up a few days before christmas, we had been on a break for a week before he did so and during this period i told him about how i had met people who knew me as his girlfriend to which he replied that it was good. So I accepted it as he said his feelings had changed overtime and we agreed to be friends although I later told him that I didn’t want to do so.
    We live together but he went home (abroad) for the holidays so I started nc and limited nc when he came back so its been nearly 3 weeks nc/lnc. He had sent me a couple snapchats asking if i was ok but ignored them. We haven’t spoken about the relationship since breaking up and he’s acting friendly towards me. It also seems like he hasn’t told anyone about us.
    Has he really moved on and do i have a chance to get him back? What should i do from now?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kat,

      you mean you live together now?

    • Kat - 0

      Kat

      Hi Amor,
      Yes we currently live together now that we are back at university but we haven’t seen each other much in or outside the house as it is exam period.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ah ok..well, have you been active in improving yourself? If yes, start slowly rebuilding the rapport and attraction after 30 days

    • Kat - 0

      Kat

      Thanks for the reply!
      I have been trying to improve myself by working out more and focusing on my studies. Since we live together how should I first contact him after the 30 days?
      Do you also think that he really meant what he said that his feelings have changed?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      start by more friendly slowly in person..check this one too:
      EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

    • Kat - 0

      Kat

      I have one more question, I’ve seen articles where people say that we should talk about the problems we had in the relationship to prevent them occurring if getting back together. Is this a good idea or would it just bring back the negative memories and decrease my chances of getting him back? If not, when should I implement it?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that would be more appropriate if he wants you back.. if he agrees or says he wants you back, then that’s whwn you talk about those

    • Kat - 0

      Kat

      Sorry to bother you again.
      I know I maybe shouldn’t have done this but I secretly checked his phone and found out that he’s in a relationship with someone else. I don’t know how long it has been but I have previously noticed they they were starting to become close before the time of our break up. He seems to be keeping a secret and they are becoming intimate really quickly. He is doing things with her that we did in our relationship. I’m now really confused by his past actions and don’t know what to do.
      He seems to be keeping it hidden ,is this because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or because he may want to keep a chance at getting me back?
      Since the time he was acting friendly, we haven’t seen each other or talked, as he has stayed at hers almost every other night. I’m confused, I don’t know if his previous behaviour suggests that he did still have feelings for me and he only just recently got into a “relationship” with her.
      My 30 days no contact is coming to an end at the beginning of next week and I’m not sure how to approach it anymore.

    • Kat - 0

      Kat

      I have just remembered something, and believe he has been in this relationship for a while now. When he came back on the 7th I saw he had a new phone case and i picked it up to have a look, but he immediately snatched it out of my hand as if he was hiding something. I realise now it was to hide the notifications that he was getting from her.
      I also know that they were getting close before we broke up and that their relationship started not long after we broke up or even worse he started getting feelings for her before we broke up hence his reason for breaking up was because his feelings had changed overtime. How possible do you think this scenario could be?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you mean he cheated on you? if he left you for her, then it’s a grass is greener case.. Check the link below about that..if you’re going to initiate contact..you have to act like you dont know it

      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  4. Sohurt90 - 0

    Sohurt90

    How will the no contact rule work if my ex block meeverywhere( Facebook and phone)and everyone else knows connected to me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes the no contact rule.. there’s no guarantee that it will work but you also have no better choice than toove on if you’re blocked.. And you can’t just stop talking to him..you have to improve yourself

    • Sohurt90 - 0

      Sohurt90

      You’re right, yesterday I manage to call using a different number (I know lol), he actually answer and didn’t right away hang up on when he heard my voice. Although he didn’t say anything, but he let me talk for 3 minutes before hanging up. See the last time we had any contact with each was on Tuesday( where he block my number). The only reason he block me on Facebook is because I text him ( I must admit was like a maniac calling and texting him, which I’m not proud of 🙁 ) if you really wanted this relationship to be over with you would delete me ( I know lol… my judgement was definitely clouded) . I know a lot of this is my fault, but my goal is to at least get on speaking terms with him. Surprisingly, although he told me it was over, he never changed his relationship status on FB nor did he return my stuff. One would think he would’ve given my stuff back already… ESPECIALLY, if he was the one that asked me when I wanted it back.

      Maybe I’m overthinking this, but something tell me that he didn’t really mean it when he said ” it’s over” . I admit that maybe at one point he wanted to end things because he needed to figure things out for himself( he suffers from low self esteem) . But going as far as blocking me … I feel like he only did that because I drove him to go to extreme measures so he can get his space. After we broke up… I come to realize that maybe we just needed a break from each other. I still want back, but I feel we need to fix some of our issues in order for that to be up for discussion. I believe that we were meant for each other, but now was definitely not the right time.

      My goal now is to get him to speak to me because I miss my friend…. SO PLEASE HELP!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      start the no contact period..do at least 30 days.. aim to be the ungettable girl. check this link:
      The Ungettable Girl

    • Sohurt90 - 0

      Sohurt90

      He just text me.

    • Sohurt90 - 0

      Sohurt90

      Hey Amor!

      So after making no attempt to call nor text him. He actually text me yesterday one of his favorite pictures of me and unblock me from FB( he like two of my posts) . Although he still have my number block… I had a friend( from a block number) call him( I know lol) he (actually answer.. he knew it was me. I didn’t say nothing so he hung. I’m not going to lie, it angry feeling came over me… What should I do going forward?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont worry, you can ask anytime! If you’re doing the no contact rule, stick to it..

  5. Confused and don't know what to call it... - 0

    Confused and don't know what to call it...

    Ok, so here is my situation…It seems like there are way too many stories like mine out there on the internet… Does the NC rule work for the almost relationships? I have been seeing (I guess you can call it that) this guy for about a year and a half. We started out as a casual relationship. I didn’t want anything serious and neither did he. He was getting a divorce and away from a horrible marriage that his wife cheated multiple times and I just wanted to stay single. Months later I fell for him. I eventually told him I did last February and he accepted it. We continued to see each other. There have been about two times were I have tried to end it because of my feelings, but he never wanted to let me go. His feelings never matched mine though. Anyways, last April I tried to walk away again. I agreed to being friends after I heeled. But ever since then it has always seem to be more than that. He likes me more than a friend but not a girlfriend because he does not want a relationship. I always get mixed signals it feels. Sometimes I think he likes me and other times I don’t. He always gave me excuses as to why we can’t be together. Mainly because he wants to move back home to another state in a few years. We talked everyday through texts. Sometimes intimate conversations on his terms just to tease me. Our phone conversations were hours long. When we hung out he was always flirty. I’d catch him looking at me a smiling. He was always very affectionate too. All the little things that us women look into that gets us in trouble. He was my best friend and I was his. We talked about everything and anything. Until recently he seems sneaky. He went out with my girlfriends and me for her birthday. Was very gentleman like. But then he seemed out of his character. Kept running outside of the bar to talk on his phone, wouldn’t take a picture with me, and left abruptly with a side hug. I never got side hugs! I realized then that I was friendzoned. A week before that he kept pulling the friends card as well. I don’t like it. I got the feeling that he is talking to another woman, but he wont admit that because he does not want to loose me as his friend. Well enough became enough for me. I lost my shit on him later that night. I have never done that before. I told him that I cannot be his friend. He blocked me on instagram, I gave him is house key back, and the following day I ended it. I told him that I cannot be just his friend. I told him I am not ok with him dating other woman when he gives me ABC excuses on why he can’t be with me. I refuse to be on the fence any more. I finally respect myself way too much. I told him to contact me when he wants to give me a fair chance. His response was “so we can’t speak to each other if we are not significant others?” and then I went on about how it is unhealthy for me and toxic. Anyways, Days later he messages me through text, How you holding up champ? Please talk to me? Ok, I get it I wont bug you. Keep your pretty head up.” I never responded. Last Friday he reached out to my girlfriend asking how I was doing because I won’t talk to him. She told him why I wasn’t talking to him, because it was torturous and that he won’t give me a commitment and that him seeking me out was only creating false hope. He then said that this whole thing sucks because I am his best friend. He then said to her “I get it, I will leave her alone”, and “make sure she don’t end up with a douchebag “and then proceeded to ask her if “I will ever be his friend again?” She then told him that she didn’t know and ended the conversation. Then he unblocked me off of instagram. It is a slap in my face that he is trying to push me on to someone else. He is the most confusing man and needs to grow up. This i am aware of. I am on 10 days of no contact. I have not heard from him since he spoke to my friend lats. I do think he likes me more than a friend, if not than why would he be so concerned, or why would he hide other people he is possibly seeing from me? Why not be honest if I am just a friend? Anyways, because all of the questions and confusion that I have…does NC even work for this kind of situation?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      There’s no guarantee that it will work but do you sleep with him?

  6. VAX - 0

    VAX

    I just started the NC after being in an 8 year relationship. My ex was my soulmate and it took losing him to realize this. I had not spoken to him in 6 months but he now works with my twin sister as her assistant. I hear about him all the time so I reached out to him and we have hung out recently. We had so much fun and I know he’s still insanely attracted to me. But the following day he sends this text…
    “I want to hangout with you and I like talking to you and all of that stuff. I just don’t want you gearing our talking and hanging out towards getting back together right now”..
    It stung but I was very positive and said I completely understand. After all of that I purchased the Ex BF Recovery. The exact day I purchased it, he randomly texted me about his day…I followed the rules. I didn’t respond. But what if he decides to never text again. What if he responds by saying “why are you ignoring me?”

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Vax,

      I think it would be better to just say you thought about what he said and you understand and agree that being friends is not workable for you as of the moment.. and then start nc but dont mention for how long

  7. Cat - 0

    Cat

    I can see you have already replied! further down 🙂 that chat disappeared on me for a while as I had some issues with my purchase. Thank you!!! Will reply to the thread down on page- 26th Dec.

    Reply
  8. Momo - 0

    Momo

    Will the No contact rule still work if I continue to break it but end up using it properly?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Momo,

      There’s a chance but, it will depend on how many times you’ve broken it, what you did during those times. Because the more you nc, the less it can help you.

  9. Nervous - 0

    Nervous

    Sorry this is long. I’ve purchased Ex Boyfriend Recovery Premium and have begun to read through it, but I wanted to approach you with my situation personally because I fear that these methods may not work for me.
    I do believe that in time this relationship can work, with some effort on both sides, I just need to know how I can get him to see that. I truly have never felt a connection with another human being like I did with my boyfriend and I feel with my whole heart that our relationship was not at a point of being over, but rather at a point of mending.
    My boyfriend and I had been dating for over eight months when he broke up with me on Tuesday, January 3, 2017. We are both in our third year of school. At home, we live about 35 minutes away from each other, however, during school, where we spend most of our time, we’re about six hours from each other. It was hard. But we made it work. We met on our spring break and were immediately attached to each other, starting our relationship just a month later. He was my best friend, and truly the love of my life.
    On Tuesday, he came to my house, and we both just began to cry. He explained how the long distance is too hard and even going two weeks without seeing me was too hard for him and making him really depressed during those gaps where we don’t see each other. We both cried and cried, and I told him that I love him and that this is something we could fix, to no avail.
    We had a texting conversation after he left, where we went back and forth with me saying that we could fix it and I would come to him more and that we could see each other more. It eventually ended with us agreeing to take time apart to think about the situation, and then later come back to it. That evening he asked me to FaceTime; however, I was with my friends, trying to distract myself.
    The next morning he FaceTimed me and said again that he couldn’t be with me because of the distance while crying hysterically. I’d never seen him cry like this before. I’d seen him cry, but not like this. I hung up after two minutes of saying why are you doing this you aren’t sorry. I gathered my composure and called back.
    We had a conversation about the distance, where I finally said: “what is it that is drawing you to this conclusion.” To which he said, everything. I asked him what everything meant. Finally, he revealed what had happened. He stated that he couldn’t take it when I get into passive aggressive or angry moods, where I just stop answering him or one word answer him or lash out at him for no reason. He said that that I am “so hard to read” and it drives him crazy when that happens because he doesn’t know if I am truly mad at him or if I am just in a mood and that it makes him really depressed and he cannot handle it. I apologized profusely hysterically crying, and he continued to cry as well. He said that it really hurts him and he takes it really hard and couldn’t deal with it anymore. To which, I tried to explain that this has happened to me in the past with other people, and it is a fixable problem and how confident I am that I can fix it but he said he couldn’t deal with if any more and doesn’t know how to give it a second chance because it may happen again in the future and he won’t be able to handle it. I told him that I wished he would’ve told me earlier so that I could fix it rather than it coming to the point of us not being together anymore, and he said he didn’t know how to approach it with me. I told him that I’m in contact with my doctors and am seeing my therapist regularly again, he stopped crying for a second and asked me when I was seeing my therapist, to which I said Friday (This is now on Wednesday), and he said how am I supposed to be in this state of depression and known until Friday, that he did not have it in him to wait for me to fix this and then run the risk of it not being fixed. He said to me, what if you do badly on a test and are in a bad mood one day and take it one on me, that he couldn’t deal with that again because it makes him so depressed. He did then coin the distance as being part of it, saying that if we were at school together or had months at home now (like in the summer) to deal with this issue then he would be able to come to me when this was happening and we could talk about it face to face, however we’re not, and it just doesn’t work. He said that if it continues to happen, and we have to break up again, but from six hours away over the phone it’ll make him so depressed, and he won’t be able to deal with the heartbreak.
    We basically ended that conversation there. We were both hysterically crying. I was trying, pleading with him, that this is something that I have under control and that I can’t guarantee anything but I’m confident in the solution. He responded that even I just said that I couldn’t guarantee anything. I kept telling him that I love him, and he would say it back, but it didn’t change. He kept saying he understood if I hate him and I kept saying no, I couldn’t. He said he would always have a special place for me in his heart. We ended with a few text messages, on that day (Wednesday), and then again on Friday. On Wednesday I sent a long-ish message explaining how sorry I was for hurting him, that I could never hate him and that I would always have love for him, if our paths crossed in the future it would be a blessing, that I was working on my anxiety/mood issues not just for him but for myself, and that I wished him the best. He responded that that meant a lot, nothing could take away from what we had, and he was sorry for how it ended. On Friday I sent a very long message, apologizing for hurting him again, taking responsibility, explaning all of my anxiety issues completely, explaining specific situations he was addressing in the break up, and telling him how I was fixing them and moving forward. I said all of this so that he would understand what went wrong, and see the solution to the problem. He responded thanking me, saying he was happy I was fixing these issues, but that he needed time to figure out what he wants/what is best for him, that he wanted to be honest and hoped we could remain friends. I said thank you for being honest, that I respect him taking his time, that I wanted to be honest, that I am always here for him, and that I truly hopes he figures all of that out for himself, regardless of whether or not that includes me.
    My concern is that he won’t follow the typical trajectory of a boyfriend during the No Contact period. We really were not a superficial couple, the love between us was deep and real, between two adults. I do not see him going through those phases of texting me in a week, then thinking “what a bitch I can’t believe she’s not answering,” to text me again, and so on and so forth.
    I just want to know what your thoughts are if this is a fixable situation if I should follow this regular pattern displayed for us in your teachings. Your lessons are wonderfully insightful; I just am nervous that my own situation will not benefit from them. I understand that you receive a lot of emails daily, but if there is any way that you could look at this situation, I cannot tell you how much I will appreciate it. Thank you so much in advance, you are truly saving my life.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nervous,

      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it doesn’t matter if he texts you or not during nc, what matters most is how much you improve yourself during and after it

  10. Aubrey - 0

    Aubrey

    Should I restart no contact rule if he just saw snapchats (one was a picture of my sister going out and one was of a cat meme that said I like you)!sent a couple days before we broke up (it’s been a week since we broke up). We were in a LDR relationship.

    Reply
  11. Laura - 0

    Laura

    I dated this guy for about 3-4 months. I let him lead because he was more into me, so I sat back & took my time, eventually coming around. He was somewhat overwhelming, expressing his feelings, eager to hang out a lot, wanting to introduce me to friends, using pet names now & again. All things that usually have me running, but we had an amazing connection, so I went with it & really came around. Then he had some legit stress/stuff going on & took a step back – I didn’t say anything or push, but eventually brought it up. While discussing it, after he apologized, he basically had a breakdown about not understanding what his issue was because he really wanted to be with me, but wasn’t ready to answer to someone/need to check in or whatever – nothing I had asked for or mentioned! so he didn’t know what to do. And said he thought I wanted more serious – again nothing I even hinted at. He also admitted he had just started talking to someone else. I should have written him off for several reasons, but I had just been on a date myself. And since I wasn’t ready for anything very serious yet either (& his freak out freaked me out), I thought we were on the same page, but it did hurt that he started talking to someone as I was leaning toward wanting something slightly more exclusive minus the title, etc. Fast forward, I had some health problems that really impacted me emotionally. While this was happening, I saw him & acted crazy. I didn’t tell him what was going on because I thought it was too much & at that time I didn’t really get the health stuffs effect on me anyway. Needless to say, I didn’t hear from him after. I sent an apology text a few days later & nothing. I called just short of a month later with a casual apology, explaining my embarrassment & vaguely tried to explain the situation. That was two weeks ago, & nothing. I’m guessing this was his ticket out, & I should quit while I’m ahead?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      try the no contact rule first, if you decide to move on after it, then go ahead.

  12. Nellie - 0

    Nellie

    Hey, my 30 day of no contact ended the 23 of December. I wanted to reach out to my ex, but I was afraid he would just think I’m lonely during the holidays. I’ve decided to wait until after I get back from New Years (Jan 3). Is that okay? Or should I wait until a little while after the holidays?

    Reply
  13. Anon - 0

    Anon

    I’m on Day 27 of NC. My ex and I have not texted or talked at all, but I did notice that he still watches ALL of my stories on snapchat. I don’t send him any directly, but he always watches when I post publicly. He also has sent me 3 snapchats since the breakup. I opened them but didn’t respond in any way. One of the photos was to show the view from his new apartment, which is now walking distance from my apartment. Why would he send me that? How does social media come into play with NC? Should I not be posting stories? I know this is stupid but I tried to keep how I posted the same as before so it would appear like I was unaffected, and also so he could see that I’m still going to concerts, hiking with friends, and doing fun things without him. I also have run into some of his family members since the breakup. We hug, say hi, catch up a little, but I make sure never to discuss my ex in any way. Is that bad?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      that’s exactly the reason for being active in social media. You need to show you’re holding up and improving and you handled the interaction with his family well..:) that’s very good..

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      I’m not on Day 37 of NC. I didn’t want to reach out too close to New Years, plus I know he was out of town on a trip. My ex has not reached out at all other than those snapchats a few weeks ago. When we broke up, he said he needed space. Should I break NC now?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if the goal was just 30 days, yes you can initiate contact now

  14. Julianna - 0

    Julianna

    I am in the middle of NC, today is day 19. I was going for the 30 day rule but I’m not sure if its enough. My ex has not reached out to me once. I am not blocked on any social media but everything is private and he blocked my friends from being able to see anything. Christmas passed and I did not attempt to reach out. I’m doing alright with my personal recovery, posted a nice picture on my facebook yesterday that received a lot of attention but nothing from him. His birthday is coming up, on day 21. Not sure if I should let his birthday pass without a word as well.. I have read how it said not to but this month has alot going on. Last week was his 3 years sobriety- I didnt reach out either. I just dont know if I should let his birthday and new years pass without reaching out as well.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Julianna,

      What’s your understanding of why you shouldn’t greet him in his birthday?

    • Julianna - 0

      Julianna

      I read that it won’t mean much because there are probably many more people who are also wishing him so. So not saying anything may make him think of me more, but I’m just afraid he’ll be convinced I’m just a cold bitch who doesn’t care about him anymore.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Well, it also said that you’re not really meant to greet him because you’re not together anymore. You’re not supposed to care.. it may make him annoyed, but that’s a good sign because why would he expect you to greet?

  15. Jill - 0

    Jill

    Hello, I have been in Nc with my ex for three months now. We dated for 3 years on and off. He always broke it off. And always came back begging after me being silent. I tried to reach out after two months and I realized my number is blocked. I did notice he has been posting pictures with two other girls and going out to bars and keeping very busy. But a few days before xmas I sent our dog a toy and his mom a gift, bc our families are close and xmas is hard for his mom bc they lost his sister around xmas time and he also has our dog. His mom just texted me and said merry xmas to you and your family thank you for the gift… and then he texted my mom (which they were very close) he always seems to contact my mom during break ups with me. He texted her the day before xmas and said merry Christmas to you and your family…. after we ended on such bad terms I’m confused if it is really over and the on off cycle is done is he just being nice to my mom? Or is he testing the waters with her.. he also posted an old video I took of him when we were on vacation almost a year ago. And he posted a puppy picture that I took of him and the dog I bought him. Is he missing me or reminiscing? Or am I getting false hope. I’m worried about this been pretty girl that came to visit him from her state..

    Reply
    • Jill - 0

      Jill

      Might I add that he broke up with me bc we had a blow out fight bc I thought I caught him lying. And broke up with me in a text and said I will never change. Which he has said that before.. bc I flipped out during the fight.. also my mom texted him On xmas of a pic of him and his dog when he first got him.. and he just messaged her back and said aw thank you merry Christmas.. it sounds like he is indifferent and just moved on. Or am I overthinking

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jill,

      it would be better to think that he has moved on rather than have hopes that might be false

  16. Cat - 0

    Cat

    Hello!

    I just joined here and bought the ex-bf-pro, wondering if the whole thing is too late for me or how I should go about it. Me and my ex were together for a year and suddenly after our summer holidays together, after meeting my father and telling me he loved me, he suddenly dumped me without much of an explanation. The problem is we stayed in contact and decided to try give it another chance, but I caught him sleeping with someone else (not in action but I had to confront him after finding ‘stuff’). This was six weeks ago, haven’t seen him since, we didn’t speak for two weeks, after which our communication resumed (by my initiative), he excused himself over text but I have not ‘forgiven him’ (not a thing to do over text!) We keep sending each other erratic, semi- personal and semi-positive messages, roughly once a day, but it’s all quite draining, and I can’t find a tone I like. I want to try NC for at least 45 days and see how I feel after that. He has said that he tried and misses me, but he could not make things work, and that he wants us to be friends. I don’t know if he is only sleeping with this new girl or what is going on there. I blocked him on FB and Instagram on the day I caught him. I feel quite confused. Do I announce to him that I will go NC and whatdo I say in the text? We always texted a lot in our relationship and have done so since it ended so it would feel strange to just drop off the radar. In reality I guess I am hoping for him to start missing me and decide to pursue me again. Any useful comments? Thank you

    Reply
  17. Angie - 0

    Angie

    Hi so this is my second time doing the no contact rule. The first time I only lasted 1 week and 5 days. Oops. Anyways I’m doing it again. & I started the 23 of dec. Here’s a little back ground info, we were together for about a 1 & 2 months. But known each other for about 3 years. We honestly broke up and got back together within 2 weeks, more then 8 times. Before I decided to do the 30 no contact rule again, we were already broken up, but still talking and acting like we were still together & did that for about a month. But I hated that because I felt so stupid and lost. He didn’t want the title of my boyfriend but still wanted me to act and treat him like he was that. & I really wasn’t happy with this situation so I told him I would be leaving, and that I needed time. That I thought we both needed time. So now it’s the 25th, Christmas and he texted me saying “Can we talk about what would need to happen for us to be together? Like, a serious conversation?” And I was just wondering if I could get advice on whether to text him back saying I need more time, or just ignore the text.

    Reply
  18. Siera - 0

    Siera

    Hey, sorry this is long. So my ex broke up with me on October, 24th. We were together 4 and a half years. He also broke up with me through text message, which is very unlike him. He broke up with me twice before. The first time lasted only a day, because he said it hurt him too much. The second time lasted about a month, I stopped talking to him and he actually saw me on a date with another guy and he got really jealous and upset. And texted me immediately after. So we got back together and have been together sense, which would be about 3 years. We moved in together with his brothers and sisters into a town home, 3 hours away from our parents for college. We lived together for a little over a year. We had small fights, but nothing major. I also deal with depression and anxiety and understand now that most of the fights were my fault. I have worked on those problems. Living together we didn’t fight a lot compared to the other couples in the house. The reason behind him breaking up with me is the same for every break up. He doesn’t know about forever. Last year he had given me my promise ring back, which he took back the first time we broke up. Turns out when we broke up this time he had said he was never honest with me, that he only gave me the promise ring back because he thought it’d make me happy. And he only wanted to move in together because he thought it’d make him want me forever, and figure things out. While we we’re together we would talk about marriage and how we want our house to be. He’d even bring up the conversation sometimes not just me. So when we broke up I didn’t know about the no contact rule, I was just worried about fixing things, so I did drive the three hours to try and work things out, because I moved back in with my parents. That didn’t work out, and while we were talking he couldn’t even look at me because he’d start crying. After I learned about the no contact rule, I had heard that it was ok to text him back if he texts you, only if it’s short but make him think your fine. He would text me once every week to “check on me”. Well I bought the ex boyfriend recovery guide and so I started to do that. I was doing good, until I heard that he was talking to a girl that he always goes back to. And i had posted something I shouldn’t of on my instagram story. Well he saw it and he started messaging me like crazy, not being mean but like I had hurt him. I didn’t message him back though until the next night. He had even tried calling me, which isn’t like him. So then I finally broke through and texted him back, and he was so worried that I had changed my view of him, and told me that the only reason he hung out with this girl, and texted her was because he was lonely. And that he wanted talk to me but knew he couldn’t. But said he would stop talking Talking to her. This was the first night for us to talk over the phone. So after that we started talking, even FaceTime each other and we’ve never done that. I should also say we did things on FaceTime, that we shouldn’t of done. I didn’t listen to what the book had said, i messed up and I realize that now. The first couple days or so I did, but then I quit and started talking to him more and more. We would FaceTime, call, and snapchat each other, and text throughout the day. The weird thing is if I would mention me not talking to him as much he would tell me that that scared him, because he doesn’t want me to meet someone else. And said that he was afraid that I would and that he would realize then that he messed up. He also told me that he knows he could be happy with me forever, but he hates having thoughts of wanting to date other girls. He said he would get those feelings sometimes while we were dating. He said he’s so conflicted that he doesn’t know now what to do. While we were talking, if I said we should stop talking so much he would always say that that scared him so much. So I think I’ve told you about everything. That leads me to this. About a week and a half later he said that he has to be honest with me. And told me that he realized what he wants, and that is that he needs to be single, and grow. And maybe in the future if we both want to start over we can, but for right now I think it’s better that we stay single, and work on ourselves. He then unfollowed me on facebook, instagram, and everything else. Because he said it’s too difficult seeing me on social media. I want to know if I messed things up, and if there’s a way to fix things. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Siera,

      you didn’t actually do the no contact rule. You’re only allowed to reply if you had important stuff needed to get, sort out or talk about, kids, emergency or school stuff and work stuff if you work together.. but only about those things.. answering him checking in on you, is not included.. It’s like you’re reassuring him that you’re still there, waiting if he changes his mind about the break up…

    • Siera - 0

      Siera

      Hi Amor! Thanks for replying! So that night that I wrote this he texted me and I was really desperate and we started texting. I acted like I didn’t care for a couple of days and he got worried. He also got really jealous about this other guy. He was so upset he was calling me and texting me like crazy saying ” Well I guess your just giving up on us? You don’t want to work things out” and so on. So a couple of days passed and I fell in. We even met up the day before New Years, and then spend New Years Eve together. He had told me he wasn’t in a rush to get back together. And just not yesterday but the day before he had told me he didn’t mind being single. And the. Last night I had asked him if he still sees us going in a good direction, and he had paused for a second and said yes it still could. And he said maybe we just don’t need to text as much. I feel like we’re going in a circle. I started the NC rule today, he hasn’t tried messaging me but I know he will. I just feel like I ruined it because he was at first going crazy about me not texting him back and was so scared he had lost me. And now I think he knows that I’ll always come running back, and so he’s okay with being single. And just yesterday he had said it would be hard not to text me. So I guess my questions are if I ruined it? Is it too late for me? Can I still do the NC rule and it possibly work?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I don’t understand. Did you have a talk about your status? Did he know you want him back and then he replied he just wanted to be single? If yes, then you’re right to be distant for now.

  19. E - 0

    E

    Hello – I was in a relationship for four months, and he broke up with me a couple weeks ago. He said although there was nothing wrong with our relationship (never fought, I wasn’t crazy, etc. ), he longer has feelings for me. He said he wanted to keep in contact, and we have been texting since then, nothing needy or begging him back, just both of us sharing little updates on life. In his last text, he even asked how my parents are doing. Is it too late to start NC, and will it seem rude and abrupt if I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi E,

      I don’t think it’s too late..but since you’re friends, it would be better to say, it’s not working for you now.. so, you need space to move on.. but dont say for how long you will do nc

    • E - 0

      E

      Thanks for the feedback, Amor. I told him that I realized I’m holding onto hope because I keep feeling like if we tried and put the effort into a relationship, it would work out, which is why I know I need to move on, but in order to do that, I need space and being friends with him is not going to work right now. He responded back a few days later, “I understand what you’re saying. I also agree that with some effort, we probably could make it work but part of (my) problem is that I don’t want to put in the effort which I know sucks to hear and is inconsistent with what I’ve said before and how I acted but I can’t explain why my feelings changed. The only logical conclusion that I can think of is that I was incredibly lonely and so badly wanted to fall in love and believe that all of my feelings were true, until I realized that it was just loneliness making me feel that sense of longing and not genuine feelings of love…” The way he acted before was that he was much more invested and interested in me than I was in him because I initially had my guard up. He even said a couple months in that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

      We met through a dating app, and it looks like he’s back on it. I think I already know the answer to this, and it’s hard to admit and accept, but based on his latest text, it sounds like there is no future chance for us and I should move on – would you agree?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      try doing the no contact rule first and in rebuilding rapport and attraction after. If it still doesn’t work, then at least you know you did what you can before moving on

  20. Marylouise - 0

    Marylouise

    Can you help me? Im so desperate Im even on google looking for answers. I really dont understand whats going on.

    My ex and I dated for 4years. It was really great at first. He was a real gentleman and was always showing me how much he loved me. We were the most confident cute couple.. I thought. I felt really proud being his girl.
    It was amazing untill he got a busy job and started school at night last year. He had no time at all for me and our love began to fall apart. It was a lot of stress for us both. In august I broke up with him because he had stood me up on dates for way too many times. I was fed up with it all. He begged me to come back, was super sweet and showed me how much he really loved me. I fell for it. STUPID MISTAKE. It got worse. I found out he was texting a lot with this girl from class. Texting??? My ex hated texting. We only called and almost never text. I was really jealous inside but wasnt showing it at first.
    After I caught him talking to her at 2 in the morning while I was at his place sleeping in his bed!!! I broke up with him again. I was so mad and we had a huge fight. This was our first big fight ever. This time he let me go, no begging no nothing.
    That broke my heart so bad because I needed answers. I wanted to talk it out. I tried talking to him but the look in his eyes was just cold, he was very distant. I was strong back than and left him alone. After a month he shows up at my house with a rose and sweet words saying how much he misses me. So we talked the whole night and decided to go slow this time. For a few weeks everything went great. He would call me for hours each day and we were laughing again.

    But than all of a sudden he starts ignoring my calls. For no reason at all. I got worried and tried to text him. He wasnt even reading my text for days so I went to his house. He opened the door and hugged me like nothing was wrong??? He said he was so busy with school he hadnt even got time to check his phone. Which was weird because his phone was always glued to him. I was so confused but was happy to be in his arms again. He told me he didnt want to lose me but it stresses him out that I dont understand him, that everything he says I take the wrong way. He said I am always mad at him and he missed my sweet personality. So I thought I was the one who needed to change and I felt guilty. (Now I realize how stupid that was)
    That night while I was driving home he sends me a lovesong which discribed our love perfectly and he called me his girl again. It felt like I was falling in love with him again like crazy. My heart was beating so fast. I was smiling big time and thought we were good.

    But no.. the next day I hear nothing from him. The day after that.. nothing. I was trying to not act so needy so I didnt text or called him either. I saw him online on whatsapp alot, which made me wonder. A few days went by and I was so frustrated and confused. Why wasnt he calling me. So I broke one day and I called him. His phone was busy. An hour later I call again, his phone was still busy. I got furious and just knew he was talking to that girl so I call again. This time it rang but he didnt answer. I mean this is whatsapp call so he saw my missed calls too.
    I couldnt sleep at all that night hoping he might call. I was so tired and really didnt know what was happening. I was trying not to send an angry text because I wanted to act like his sweet girlfriend again pfff.
    The next night I was scared to call so I text him why is he ignoring my calls.

    He called me right away but I didnt hear my phone ring. He than sends me a text ‘so im ignoring??’ I call him back and he says he was just joking. That he is in class and will call me back in 10 min. That was 3,5 weeks ago. He neverrrr called me back. I tried texting calling him like a crazy stalker. I dont know why I did that. I tried stopping myself but I couldnt. I tried sending him a song. I tried being nice. I tried being mad. I tried leaving him alone for a few days. I tried everything to get his attention, but he just reads my texts and doesnt react at all :s.
    Why is he doing this?? He never played any games like this before with me. Why cant he just give me one answer?? Its so weird, we didnt have any fight. Why wouldnt you text the woman you LOVED and tell her whats wrong. If he doesnt want me anynore he could tell me right??? Than I could get the closure I need.

    Ive been feeling so lost, so broken these days. Nothing hurts more than to be ignored by the one you love. And to not know why.
    Just a few minutes ago I send a last text ‘never mind’ , and I deleted my whatsapp and deactivated fb. This is soooo hard.
    I dont know if this is childish but I need rest. I want to cry myself to sleep now :(. I will never ever love again.
    I know he doesnt love me anymore. Why would you ignore someone you love right??? It would be impossible.This ignoring game has been going on for more than a month now.

    Is this hopeless??

    Reply
  21. P - 0

    P

    Hello Chris! I just finished your ebook!

    Ive been very depressed these past 4 days because my boyfriend of 5 years and 5 months just broke up with me. He wasnt perfect but he was a good boyfriend to me. He was a very nice man. He broke up with me because he thinks his feelings are not the same as before and said that he has been reassessing it for weeks. He told me he doesnt want to continue our relationship if he feels for me that way because it’s very unfair on my part. He told me that he liked someone in his workplace but theyre not in a relationship, he doesn’t see his future yet with that girl, he doesnt love her, but right now he likes her more than he likes me. He told me he found in her the spark we have lost when we were courting, and this idiot just wont believe me when i told him that long term relationships really experiences this.

    He told me that he wanted to fix himself so bad, alone. He has been having financial problems lately with his family, his job is not yet stable, he has no savings yet and he’s already 28, and he feels like his ego has been challenged every time he goes out with my family and my family treats him. He feels like he’s a failure.

    He told me that he stopped pursuing her(the other girl) the other week. Because he felt so bad for cheating on me. He was never the kind of person to cheat. And he can not forgive himself and he can no longer continue to fix his relationship with me because he feels like he no longer deserves me after all that he has done. That he can no longer look at me the same way because he will always feel ashamed and that I will use it against him someday. That he will be branded as that kind of man who cheats even if thats not really his personality. Thats why he wanted to fix himself.

    I still love him and every single minute, im breaking into pieces. I love him so much that i have forgiven him immediately the moment he told me everything. I wasnt even able to get mad at him that day he told me everything. I even told him to learn to forgive himself because i have already forgiven him even if i know i shouldn’t and should be mad at him but i can’t.

    I’ve been extremely devastated these past few days. I feel so rejected. I feel like he has forgotten my value. But i also know he doesn’t because he told me he feels like he wouldn’t deserve me forever for what he has done. So the other day, i went to their house because… he wanted to tell me everything. The only reasons he gave me on our first day of breakup was that he wanted to focus on himself and his family and second, his feelings are not the same. But being a good investigator that i was, i found out that he has been.. uhh im not so sure with the term.. but i know hes not yet courting her but maybe theres mutual understanding. So thats when i told him that i knew because a contact from a company where he works confirmed to me that he sees him with this girl. So he demanded that we meet so he can tell me everything because thats what i deserve. Soo he told me everything and he asked me to think about it. If i still want to continue the relationship and try, knowing that he’s feelings are no longer as strong as before plus the fact that he made a terrible mistake towards me. He even told me he only sees him a friend. Fuck that! I asked him if he will try his best, he told me there’s no assurance that his feelings will be brought back. I was extremely hurt. And i told him that i will miss him. And when i asked him if he will miss me, he said that he doesnt know. He will only know if im already gone and that in a few days of our breakup he wasnt feeling that yet.

    I am so puzzled because on our first day of breakup, he asked me that if ever he will already be fixed, if there will be any chance of us getting back together again next year? I answered, ‘maybe’ ‘idk’ and ‘we’ll see’ . Then i asked him, but what if he’s already in love with someone next year. He told me i got a point and asked me what if im the one who’ll be in love with someone by the time he realizes that the lost feelings for me are back. And he also said sorry because he told me that breaking up with me is the only way he can do to fix himself and that he can not do it if he’s committed.

    I asked him if he will pursue this girl that he wants but he told me hes not yet sure and he’ll see whatever happens.

    He has assured me that he really wanted to fix himself. I believe him but at the back of my mind, i’ve been thinking if he only said all these to get rid of me so that he can start a relationship with this girl. Although im kinda convinced that he was also very guilty of what he has done and has hated himself bevause of that and stopped pursuing rhe girl last week because he wanted to stop being the man he really wasnt(which is being a cheater). But also broke up with me because feelings arent the same anymore and cant fix things with me for now because he can no longer look at me knowing that he made that mistake.

    I woke up yesterday morning feeling so shattered. I wanted to talk with my friends but they were asleep so what i did was i messaged him and told him i was very much in pain etc. i told him i was sorry for messaging him and he told me it was okay. Then told me that maybe i should stop communicating with him because itll be harder to move on if i dont. He also said that i deserve someone better etc etc (and it hurts me because why cant he make things right and be the better man he thinks i deserve). I told him that ive beem planning to stop my communication but i messaged him because i got no one to talk to and my friends were asleep and he said he understood. But i no longer replied to his message just so he’ll be the one who has sent the last text.

    I have finished reading your ebook and i wanted to seek more advice. Your ebook was great and i am feeling better. I am thinking that if i may not be successful in getting him back, i might be successful in putting myself together. Besides, i have been meditating and deep inside i have always know that there are so many reasons why we shouldn’t be together and that maybe God is just answering my prayers to save me from future pain. But theres a big part of me that really wants him back and then i’ll decide if i want him back too only when he shows signs of wanting me back. Its just that my ego has been hurt because he has decided to end this relationship on his own. We could have prevented this if he told me that things between us have been starting to dry instead of pursuing this girl. I told him that couples in long term relationships really experience this loss of feelings but that doesn’t mean it isnt there. We just needed to spark it up. He doesn’t seem to get it! He also told me that i am the only woman he loved the most in his entire life.

    Please give me some advise… your thoughts on what i told you.. and also answer my questions please

    Questions:
    1. We dont text that much. We have different working times. He works at night and i work on normal hours. So everyday, our exchange of messages are just.. hey im home. Or im already at the office. Okay, i love you. Etc. we only see each other on sundays. But we really had an intimate and close relationship. We loved each other so much and we have already planned of marrying eavh other. We are close to each others family. His mom, dad, and siblings and I were crying like crazy when i said my goodbye to them the other day. They can not believe it! So my question is, if i stay religious with the 30 day no contact, do you think he will miss me?

    2. We never unfriended each other on facebook and instagram. We still have each other’s pictures. He asked me on our first day of break up if we can remain friends. I said yes. Is that right to answer him that way?

    3. So since i was extremely sad, my best friend gave me a chocolate and a balloon with my first name’s letter. Then my mom gave me a stuffed toy and my bro gave me a book. I was thinking if it’s okay to post all these with the caption ‘thank you’? Maybe he’ll think i have admirers? And how many days after breakup should i post that?

    4. I have always been a confident woman. So when you advised that i should be to become na UNgettable one, what more shall i do? He’s the one between us who is not so confident. I did talks on public etc etc and i have always been confident.
    Except lately when we were taking pics together and i kept on saying i looked like a trash and he told me why i kept on saying that.

    5. After 30 days of no contact, and i start sending him a text, will he think that i havent moved on with him yet and i still kept on thinking about him if out of the blue i text him i have a confession to make.. then say stuff that are not really very controversial like ( i saw this and reminded me of you etc) will it not make him cringe knowing that ive been thinking of him still?

    6. What if he greets me merry chirstmas or send me a message on facebook?
    Shall i make sure he knows i have read it nut no plans of replying, or leave the message at unopened at all)

    7. I have always taken care of myself physically in our whole 5 year relationship so i do not know what else to do. Like take care of myself more and be more attractive that how i used to be?
    I have always known im a good catch. I do not want to be arrogant but i have always been a good girlfriend to him and people have been telling me that i really am an ideal girl. (Oh gosh so sorry but i have to tell you this because you advised we have to think this way too). The people around us and I believes that he wouldnt find someone else like me.

    8. What if he doesnt miss me after 30 days of no contact. I wll extremely be devastated again. What if he’ll be busy with this girl and this 30 day NC is ineffective? What do you think?

    9. I have been currently investigating the name of this girl he was so into in their office and do you think i should pursue my investigation? Should i check the girl’s fb profile?

    10. He loved ramen! We never had ramen when were together because i wasnt a fan. Maybe only a couple of times but hes the only one who ordered. If i go out with a guy friend and i post that we are eating ramen because he convinced me do you think it will have an impact on him?

    11. He loves shoes and this adidas nmd. I can defo afford it but never bought one bevause i am thrifty. If i buy one for myself do you think he’ll be interested with the photo?

    12. Is it okay to post photos of his siblings and me if we hang out?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi P,

      long term relationships does lose the spark sometimes but you cant convince the other person by just telling them that’s it’s a phase. If he saw the other girl as a grass is greener case, the means the relationship probably got boring and lacked variety. Dont over think doing the no contact rule..Just do it. Dont answer if hr greets or messages, unless it’s about an important matter or emergency, and just live your life.. have your own life by having your own routine apart from him and do new things

  22. Rachel - 0

    Rachel

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago. She said she no longer felt the same and told me that she was completely done. She now has a new girlfriend. is there any chance at all to get her back? The situation is a bit complicated and very lengthy but moral of the story is i still have hope even though I don’t think I should anymore.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rachel,

      she fell out of love with you?? how long were you together? do you want to try the no contact rule?

  23. Haylie - 0

    Haylie

    Hi guys!
    So, my ex isn’t exactly a boyfriend, he is a friend/friend with benefits, but we really are good Friends and we love each other very much (although he is not “in love” with me). We were together like that almost a year. He didn’t use me for sex, I was the one initiating “the benefits” all the time. He said he cares more about our friendship and special bonding than sex.
    Two months ago a friend of him returned from an 8 month journey and I started to see changes in him and to see how they interacted on facebook, and we started to fight. A week ago he confirmed that he has something with her and he wants to give it a shot. He said they talked about start a commited relationship but they seem to get along well like this for now.
    Instead of beg, I did want I thought it would be the more mature thing, I told him that if that’s how he feels I undearstand, I won’t interfere, that I wish him luck with her but that I can’t continue as his friend ‘cause he knows I love him and it hurts me seeing him with another woman.
    Truth is I’m not that kind, since I really want him to miss me and realize that he wants to be with me. I started NC but I broke it the first week, he started to text me like crazy, he said he miss me like crazy, he miss everything about me, that we are more than friends, we have something special, that he likes me and of course, that I turn him on. But he is still pursuing that girl. So I started NC for real. BTW, we work together and we see each other 3 times a week. We say a friendly Hi to each other but that’s it, NC.
    BTW, I’m making improvements with myself. I’ve got my own house (I use to live with my parents). My clothes, hair, make up and body are sexier and he told me I look beautiful (but I said to him he can’t say those things to me anymore since he is searching something serious with another girl, and it makes me feel like the second woman) I’m not sure if I did a good thing with that or not.
    My plan is to go NC for a month (NC would end just on his birthday but I’m not planning on break it), then start with all the texting thing, etc… and to be present on his facebook so this girl starts to feel jealousy like I did.
    Is that too manipulative? Would that even work? Or he would hate me or forget about me for going NC on him? Since he wasn’t my boyfriend, I was the one who started the break up and he wants me around ‘cause I’m his special friend. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Haylie,

      theres no guarantee that nc will work but if you really want to change your image in him, dont ever be friends with benefits.. if you’ve re-attracted him, he will probably try that with you even if he’s pursuing the other girl because in his mind, you’re the girl who’s ok to sleep with even if there’s no commitmment.. so, that’s your chance to prove him that you will not be in that situation anymore by refusing..

    • Haylie - 0

      Haylie

      Yeah, I won’t be his FWB. I’m trying to be his friend, we went for a coffee and he hugged me the whole time, kissed me on the cheek a lot and I think he almost try to kiss me on the lips, called me pretty, etc… but now he says we can’t interact with each other on facebook ’cause that would be problematic for his relantionship with this other girl. I don’t know how to make her jealous on facebook ’cause he will get mad at me if I try that

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont make direct posts of making her jealous.. just post you activities..your improvements are more than enough..

  24. Jai - 0

    Jai

    PLEASE HELP!!!
    Me and my ex have been on and off for 3 years. He was my high school sweetheart. He friend zoned me in November so I implemented the no contact rule for 30+ days. It worked and we were on good terms everything was going perfect! This weekend I unexpectedly saw him in the store and we hugged and laughed like nothing happened. I was about to call a taxi but instead I asked for a ride home. He agreed. During the car ride he said he was ready to make up and gave me forehead kisses and held my hand. He dropped me off at home but I left my phone in his car. He decided to go through it and found that I texted another guy (nothing crazy just hello and it was once) this was during the no contact period so it was not cheating. He was very upset and told me that he ” didn’t want to mess with me like that anymore tbh but we are still friends”. I don’t understand why he is upset when he friend zoned me!? I want to be more than friends and I know he still loves me but I don’t know where to go from here PLEASE HELP!!

    Reply
  25. Suhani - 0

    Suhani

    I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Suhani,

      you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.

  26. yumi - 0

    yumi

    Hi,

    My ex used to like all of my pictures on social media. But ever since we broke up he stopped doing it. He rarely posts comments on friend’s posts, now it’s like he always likes pictures of another girl and even post comments on it. I’ve started the no contact period btw. It’s been 2 weeks now. Before that he offered to become just friends because according to him he loves me but he’s afraid that he might hurt me again. I accepted the friendship but never contacted him again,nor did I hear anything from him as well. What is it now? It’s like I’m totally losing him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Yumi,

      how long were you together? Are you improving yourself? why did you break up?

  27. Drea - 0

    Drea

    Hello,

    I am currently in day 17 of the NC rule. So far Im understanding the point of me moving on from the breakup and not focusing/worrying about my ex(staying busy, talking to friends, etc). The feelings of the breakup are still there but with less severity. My ex broke up with me out of the blue for reasons I felt were not that serious. Wasn’t a bad breakup, just a lot of crying(from him) and I was in shock. Overall, we had a very happy and easy relationship. However, Im not sure if 30 days will be enough for me to actually be comfortable with talking to him again( and since he hasn’t contacted me yet). Im wondering if I should extend the NC for a while longer cause it seems as if he was just as confused about the breakup himself.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Drea,

      it’s ok if you want to extend to 45 days

  28. Maureen - 0

    Maureen

    I finished the 30 day no contact rule . I texted my ex boyfriend first because I wanted to see how he was doing and how work was. He did text me back and we just texted back and forth, we only texted for about 30 minutes then I told him that since he has work early in the morning I will let him get some sleep. We both play Dungeons and Dragons online with people from work and we seem fine when we’re in character. After the game we talk for a little bit then we just say goodnight. Did I do anything wrong or shouldn’t I have made the first attempt to contact him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Maureen,

      how many times have you talked? Do you end it at high point? Did you maintain improving yourself? How many days have you been texting?

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      I completed the 30 no contact rule. We do talk almost every Friday night. I do try to end conversation on a high point. I’ve been improving myself by losing weight and changing my look. We really don’t texted because I know that he works crazy hours and I don’t know when my ex boyfriend gets home so I don’t bother him.

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      We do talk after playing online role playing games. I do try to end the conversation on a high point, but it’s hard sometimes. I did improve myself by losing weight and changed my look a little bit. I know my ex boyfriend works crazy hours so I don’t bother him during the weekends. But it’s really hard to text him! But the truth is that I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend. And I did complete the 30 day no contact rule it was 45 days

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah.. I meant how many weeks or days have you been texting? how many attempts did you make?

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      We rarely texted each other during the week and on weekends he doesn’t text me at all, because he says he sleeps and does things around the house or errands. I haven’t really make an attempt to text him because I’m scared.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      so, has it been just a week of texting? if yes, then that’s hardly long enough to build rapport

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      Amor: What is the best advice for building rapport? Because I’ve been having trouble understanding how to build up rapport. I still believe that my ex boyfriend still cares for me and he’s not saying anything. He can’t stop loving me just like that.

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      Amor: I don’t know if my first message got to you sorry if I’m repeating myself. I know he works crazy hours during the week and the weekends he sleeps and/or does errands as well. My question is what is your best advice to build a rapport so my ex boyfriend can seem interested in me again.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you really have to have good or fun conversations,.like being in the first stage of a relationship. When you like a guy and you got his number, how do you talk to him?

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      My ex boyfriend and I used to talk about what we both liked and disliked, what I did I my day off or when he was off, about what we would like to do on the weekends when I slept over etc.
      But since we’ve been broken up for almost 2 months, it’s like I don’t know him anymore but we’ve known each other for 4 years. So I’m trying to talk about anything interesting. I truly still love my ex boyfriend and I believe that we are meant to be like Jack and Sally from the nightmare before Christmas.

    • Maureen - 0

      Maureen

      Amor: My ex boyfriend and I used to talk about what we both liked and disliked, what I did I my day off or when he was off, about what we would like to do on the weekends when I slept over etc.
      But since we’ve been broken up for almost 2 months, it’s like I don’t know him anymore but we’ve known each other for 4 years. So I’m trying to talk about anything interesting. I truly still love my ex boyfriend and I believe that we are meant to be like Jack and Sally from the nightmare before Christmas.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      That’s why it’s very important that you do something new and make new friends, not just because you have something to talk about in your life but because it helps you have a different perspective over things. The only way to build rapport is to connect. if it’s just conversations about how your days went, it’s like being in a boring relationship already. It’s ok to talk about your days but pick the fun stuff or talk about the topics that he likes in a different perspective. If he likes games of thrones, does he think the author will separate the tv series ending from the book ending or will he keep in mind that he’s not getting any younger and might just make the tv series a better ending than the book? something like that kind conversation..

  29. K - 0

    K

    Hi my boyfriend of 3years broke up with me moved to new place and about 2months into the long distance relationship he broke up with me. I could feel something was off during that 2months we were separated by the distance. And when he broke up with me he was very determined and sounded like he really wanted the break up. And I feel like he didn’t even have any feelings left for him to move on from. Should I implement the nc on him because i am worried the longer i go without contacting him the more surely he will move on and there will be no chance later when I’ll be able to see him in person in march.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi k,

      when did you break up? When did you last talk? Does he want to talk? Did you chase him? Are you friendzoned?

    • K - 0

      K

      We haven’t talked or tried to talk ever since we broke up 2weeks ago

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ok, if you like he fell out of love already, chasing will not help. Doing nc will not make him suddenly change his mind.. there’s a chance that he will miss you but if you dont address the problems, they will arise again.. change yourself first because you cant control him.. you wont have a restart if you keep chasing

    • K - 0

      K

      So.. are you suggesting that I shouldn’t go nc but instead talk to him about the problems we had? How can i not chase him but not do nc at the same time? I’m confused.. 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      oh no, by address, I mean identify what you can control, and change it. Like your routine, habits, activities. and he didnt forgot the app if he deleted it, that means he purposely doesn’t want to talk… so, either you move on, or take time and focus in changing

    • K - 0

      K

      Since this is not my first time implementing nc on him, (yes we’ve been on and off..) i am really trying to focus on myself and things that make me happy. But how long should i go without contacting him? When do you suggest I start talking to him? But can I post pictures while I’m on nc? (I am not really active on social media and neither is he and he knows it)
      Thanks!!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      oh no, by address, I mean identify what you can control, and change it. Like your routine, habits, activities. and he didnt forgot the app if he deleted it, that means he purposely doesn’t want to talk… so, either you move on, or take time and focus in changing

  30. Lily - 0

    Lily

    Hi!
    I haven’t had any contact with my ex for a bit more than a week now. We met up, I told him that I need to move on and I gave him all of his last stuff that had been at my place. He then said “I’m removing you from Facebook just so you know. If that makes it easier for you” And I replied that this was my intention, upon which I removed him everywhere right infront of him. He makes a comment “Yeah okay, you don’t need to do it now, you can do it later”. I finish, we give eachother a short hug, he tells me to take care and then I leave. My intention was to make him realize that he doesn’t “have me” and that maybe this way he’d start missing me. However, we’ve had no contact since. And I know for a fact that he’s in contact with his previous ex.
    What would you advice me to do now?

    / Lily

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lily,

      even if you removed him be active in posting in social media,just make your posts public because there’s a chance he will check it.. That means you have to be active in improving yourself..

    • Lili - 0

      Lili

      Hi again! He contacted me asking “I thought you removed me everywhere but all of a sudden I see you in my feed”. And I broke the nc to answer him. Yes, I know I’m weak. What should I do now for best results? He can still see my feed.

      / Lily

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s good that he can see your feed..just restart the count of nc and continue being active

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      Hi again! So it turns out he removed me after a few days when he saw me being really active and I posten quite a lot. He removed me after seeing me hang out with a guy friend of mine. Should I send him a friend request and keep on being active?
      / Lily

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nope..dont send a friend request..just continue being active

  31. Drena - 0

    Drena

    I am 24 hours into the NC. I was with a man for about 2 years now. His ex told him she didn’t think she loved him anymore then took his kid and moved to Florida. I had a feeling he was not over her so we broke up once and I went about my way. I didn’t have a lot of feelings for him at that time like I do now. But we got back together and he told me he thought that I was his one true love and he wanted to marry me. We have a really great relationship and connection. So we discussed marriage but planned for something for about a year later. He wanted his son to be there.

    Well he called his ex and told her he was going to propose to me. This was in September. She had a meltdown and told him she was still in love with him and please give her another chance. It confused him but then he told me he wanted to be with me. Well now I found out he is still confused and has decided to move to Florida to give them a shot. He says he loves us both. The problem is is that he wants me to wait for him. I know why. He knows if it doesn’t work out our relationship is going down the tubes. I told him to go down there and figure himself out but I couldn’t give him any promises. So in about a week she is coming in for Christmas with their son. Then he’s going back to Florida with them. The problem is is that I felt like she did this all out of jealousy not true love. I know I love him but I don’t want to be that girl that begs him to stay with me like she is. So I’m just curious if anyone has any advice. I’ve been reading the book but my circumstance isn’t exactly the same as what’s in there.

    I’ve been sick to my stomach over all of this.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Drena,

      Good call.. At least he knows you’re not just going to sit there waiting. Let’s say, do that no contact rule. Heal, improve and if he reaches out to you after it or during it to get back together, talk to him about the circumstance. Because the truth is, he has to choose. If he chooses, how will it work with his child? What will he do if the mom suddenly decides not to let him see the child because of you? Will he dump you again?

    • Drena - 0

      Drena

      All very good points. Thank you for the advice. I’m going to stick to this though not sure what to say if I start getting texts that he misses me or something.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome! Ignore it..

  32. Nene - 0

    Nene

    I got dumped about 2 weeks ago and spent that time through a mutual friend trying to apologize. The breakup was is really petty in my opinion. My SO is going through a divorce and so am I. When I’m in love I become very clingy and considering my SO was going through alot I decided to give him space. I figured I’ll delete his number for a few days to make sure I didn’t bother him like I normally do. However, I informed our mutual friend about this and he told my SO. SO was NOT happy, he thought I was cutting him off. Instantly, we were done after a year of being together. He doesn’t want to talk to me, see me, and won’t accept my apology. He WILL NOT budge. I told my husband I want to be with someone else and he automatically knew who and wanted to retaliate. So my SO and husband wanted to fight making things worse. Not to mention my SO only knew about my husband being upset because of that pesky mutual friend that started this mess in the first place. I should’ve keep my mouth closed. My SO thinks I’m toying with him, and he prides himself on “having the gift of goodbye”. Even though he said he was in love with me, he up and left like it was nothing. I officially started my NC 4 days ago, I’m just wondering should I even try?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nene,
      I know this is too personal but I’m confused. Do you still live with your husband? But your divorce is on going right? What does SO mean? Secret On?

  33. Katie - 0

    Katie

    My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago because of too many arguments about him never taking days off work. I started no contact 10 days ago and now Ive started dreaming about him every night and wake up feeling so sad and missing him even more. It’s really hard. I feel like he has just moved out of the house and is getting on with his life and doesnt think or care about me at all 🙁

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Katie,

      I want to clear some things first, so when you broke up, you still lived together? And after the break up, you’re the only initiating texts, how was he responding? It looks like you chased him and didn’t work right? How long was he working full time before?

  34. Katie - 0

    Katie

    My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago because of too many arguments about him never taking days off work. I started no contact 10 days ago and now Ive started dreaming about him every night and wake up feeling so sad and missing him even more. It’s really hard 🙁

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Katie,

      I want to clear some things first, so when you broke up, you still lived together? And after the break up, you’re the only initiating texts, how was he responding? It looks like you chased him and didn’t work right? How long was he working full time before?

  35. Bumble Vee - 0

    Bumble Vee

    Hello 🙂
    Thank you for the resources, I have a question, if you could only help me!!
    I was seeing a guy a little bit over a month, everything was doing good. I met his parents and he told me he wanted to ask my mom the permission to have a relationship with me.
    One day after he said that, he broke up with me, he said he didn’t see a future relationship with me because we are not in the same page in some stuff. He said he was having feelings for me but he didn’t want to hurt me and also get hurt, he asked me to be friends and still hang out. I told him NO.. I was really hurt with his reaction, and out of the blue one day he says he wants to have a relationship and one day later he changes his mind? awesome!
    We met last week to talk in person, I apologized because I was really rude when he said those things (he didn’t say it in person he texted me). Anyways, he asked me for another chance to be friends.
    But since then we haven’t spoken. Well, I still have one of his books and his helmet.
    Last night I posted a picture with one of my male friends and updated my profile picture with our picture together, he never met him because he doesn’t live here..
    And then later that night he texted me asking if “I could” take his helmet to his friend and drop it there, he said he will pick it up. I did not reply him yet, don’t know why he would ask me to give it to someone else instead of him, and why? I didn’t reply him, and probably will drop it at his friend. He did not mention the book (and he also has one of my books with him but I did not ask for it). I am thinking about returning the helmet and not replying him (No contact) would that be a good choice? What is this guy up for? Why would he ask me to give the helmet to someone else?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bumble Vee,

      It can be to avoid confrontation and talking about everything. I think that’s a good idea. The friend will just inform him.

  36. Nicole - 0

    Nicole

    can someone enlighten me? so my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago sayin that he is not ready for a relationship and wants his freedom and stuff….although he kept updating his whatsapp status with messages towards me….4 days ago I said I wanted to talk. he came to my house and continued with the same story that he needs to be alone and free…I said I was seeing someone to hurt him…he was bothered with it for a few mins and said that if I’m happy.. I should move on … I said that once he left he was never gonna see me again….he was very undecided but left….. yesterday he sent me messages sayin that I need to go on with someone that makes me happy and is always there for me cuz he isn’t… why he sent me that message? if we already solved everything 4 days ago???

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nicole,
      Because it’s human nature that he will still miss you, but that doesn’t mean he would you back right now.

  37. Donna - 0

    Donna

    Hi Amor,

    I’m currently trying NC again. As you suggested that I contact him, sent my ex a tweet on November 30 congratulating him on his new tv job (a job he has been wanting for years). I sent him the tweet on my other account and have not checked the account since then.

    Since then, I have continued walking 3 to 4 miles every day. I have also been spending time at the nursing home with my grandma and some other people as well, and I’m still job hunting. So I’m staying busy!

    I have tried to get in touch with Chris. He answered me back on Facebook messenger, but has yet to reply since then with advice.

    I still find my ex’s behavior a bit odd (some of our mutual friends agree with me as he quit talking to them), he is certainly not acting like the same person he was last year and I’m afraid of loosing him forever. Is it because of his chosen profession? I’ve never seen such behavior from a 40-something-year-old man before (especially since he has teenage children). All I (and some friends) can come up with logically is that he is going through a midlife crisis (his new girlfriend is barely 25, just 5 years older than his oldest daughter). It’/ like watching a really bad romantic tragedy movie here.

    He blocked me last Christmas Day all because of some inappropriate pictures a girl sent to him (on Twitter) and he couldn’t handle the “stress of it all” as he put it (he blocked both of us). Should I just consider this a loss and move on? Or do I keep waiting this out hoping for the best? It just baffles me that a man his age would react so immaturely.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Donna,

      I think by this time, you should move on. Maybe it’s a mid life crises or not but what’s apparent right now is that he has moved on.

    • Donna - 0

      Donna

      Do you mean “moving on without moving on” as Chris recommends in his getting blocked guide? Or do you think that there is no hope even with the progress I have made?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You can try that, as a last approach. Do a long no contact maybe 60-90 days but I did mean you should move on. It’s not about your progress. It’s about him. If he doesn’t change, you can’t force him even if you’ve been the best woman. In fact for me, you’re blocking meeting the right person if you keep going for him. But again, try moving on without fully moving on first, so that you’ll have peace of mind that you know you’ve done what you can.

  38. Lilly - 0

    Lilly

    I entered no contact immediately after my bf of three months asked for a break. He was busy with work and getting his MBA, he was stressed and I added to his stress/anger. He canceled our Thanksgiving plans, saying “I need a break from you for a while”. I told him that I really cared about him, that I wanted us to be able to talk about things, and that I wanted to work on this relationship. I apologized and told him I would give him all the space he needs, but I didn’t want things to be over. He has not responded, and I haven’t said anything else. It has now been 16 days. On day 9 he untagged himself from our photos, and day 10 he unfriended me on Facebook.

    Can I reach out to him now, or should I still stay no contact? I feel like we are throwing something great away over a huge misunderstanding.

    Reply
  39. Susan - 0

    Susan

    I and my boyfriend broke up 4 months ago and when we first broke up, I did all the wrong things till late September when I decided to implement the no contact rule. I became more active on social media. Posting a lot of pictures on Instagram, going out and having fun. My ex had unfollowed me but still managed to like my pictures which meant he was checking on me. A long the line he started calling me and I always responded short and polite. Fast forward to his birthday when I decided to reach out. This was a month after. I wished him a happy birthday and he sent a voice note saying he made so many mistakes and was selfish to have left me go and we would work things out and he really wants to see me. Since that time everything has been smooth and I have been making sure to chip in “good and happy” memories and he says he missed those times too and if it’s possible they will still happen. I was in a different town then and now I’ve moved back to the town where he is and I have stalled on seeing him. I would really want to know how I should act on our first meeting so as not to jinx it and to also find out whether or not I should have sex with him. I have come this far i don’t want to mess things up. What do I do?

    Reply
  40. Donna - 0

    Donna

    Hi Amor,

    I’m currently trying NC again. As you suggested that I contact him, sent my ex a tweet on November 30 congratulating him on his new tv job (a job he has been wanting for years). I sent him the tweet on my other account and have not checked the account since then.

    Since then, I have continued walking 3 to 4 miles every day. I have also been spending time at the nursing home with my grandma and some other people as well, and I’m still job hunting. So I’m staying busy!

    I have tried to get in touch with Chris. He answered me back on Facebook messenger, but has yet to reply since then with advice.

    I still find my ex’s behavior a bit odd (some of our mutual friends agree with me as he quit talking to them), he is certainly not acting like the same person he was last year and I’m afraid of loosing him forever. Is it because of his chosen profession? I’ve never seen such behavior from a 40-something-year-old man before (especially since he has teenage children). All I (and some friends) can come up with logically is that he is going through a midlife crisis (his new girlfriend is barely 25, just 5 years older than his oldest daughter). It’/ like watching a really bad romantic tragedy movie here.

    He blocked me last Christmas Day. Should I just consider this a loss and move on? Or do I keep waiting this out hoping for the best?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Donna,

      I think by this time, you should move on. Maybe it’s a mid life crises or not but what’s apparent right now is that he has moved on.

  41. M - 0

    M

    Hi, thanks for writing great articles which were real helpful to go through my break up period and survive with dignity.
    Finally I am moving on from my ex boyfriend. The only problem I have is the trust issue now. I am feeling good individually and being single. But whenever a guy talks to me in intention of going forward to a relationship I feel not to trust their words and I think I talk in a way which turns these guys off.

    So can you write an article about what to consider and how to talk when you start back with a new affair after moving on from previous break up?
    It’ll be a great help for the courageous ladies who forgive and move on.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI M,

      Thanks for the suggestion! I’ll forward it to Chris. My take is that, for me, you should always take a new guy’s word with a grain of salt. You can try replying in a cheeky or a humorous way if they say something that you’re not comfortable in putting your trust in yet. Like if he says, “I really love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you blah blah blah” Tell him, well, you better have a very long life, coz I’m a vampire! And then observe his actions later on. Or say, “Aww, that’s so sweet! I have to record that and show it to your face while you’re waiting for me to shop! Let’s see if you can last 30 minutes with me!hahahaha!” Something like that..

  42. Laura - 0

    Laura

    Hi, I sent an email but had no reply. I have 10 days left on no contact rule but work in the same place and run into each other maybe a few times a day but he is not there everyday, actually we went a week and a half whithouth seeing each other. He stopped talking to me after 6 months of dating. Thing where getting very serious and we even talked about marriage. With my NC time to reflect I realized that I was not ready and screw up a few times, so I think he just decided to stop after I made a demand at our las fight. He is very stubborn and descision person. Also after I saw that he did not spoke to me after a week and a half, I requested my thing and gave his, but apparently I gave him some socks that weren’t his…sooo he is probably thinking I did cheat or was with another person already. Another week went by and I wrote to him “how are you?” But no anwer, so next day I gave him a letter. I just said thank you, I am sorry for disrespecting you, how sad i felt about what was happening and basically said good bye.
    He had trust issues but I have a few brothers and I tend to do laundry at my moms, but I am sure he just used it as fuel to his decision. Although I did not cheat and haven’t even spoke to anyone since the brakeup, I decided to take the approach as if I cheated because that is what he has on his mind, also he said I was impulsive . Now I am sure I want him in my life!! I am also working on myself, working out, looking for a new and better job(we had a difference in professional levels) and getting better dressed and prettier to work. He hasn’t contacted me and I think he might be talking or dating someone(maybe is my mind but I know it is what they do). I honestly have my moments when I just think he doesn’t care and never did, but I know he is going to hurt at his time, but men are very good at hiding feelings and being extra cool after a breakup….I honestly don’t know what to look for or how to know the right moment to text him when the 30 days are over o what to do next….the NC approach has helped me a lot on getting a new perspective on things and bettering myself, but I can help to feel afraid of what is going to happend when the 30th day arrives. A looot of questions come into my mind and a hurricane of emotions start to rise. I really love this guy and want to show him I understood and changed for the better.

    I honestly feel lost. How shouls I behave or act when we bump into each other? Is there some kind of a sign that he also misses me or wants to get back? I know he is the type of guy that is going to be difficult to change his mind or question if he made the right decision, also I dont know if he actually might think it was me who broke up whit him… Helpp

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      when did you start the count of the no contact rule? Because it should be the day after you last talked or met for things. Other than that since you work together, you can still talk to him about work stuff but not about feelings or relationships. Check this one:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

  43. Heather - 0

    Heather

    How do you deal with someone who doesn’t want to talk to you anyhow? My ex is a stubborn, prideful, jerk…(Not even sure why I’d want to get back with him) But, in this case, how is NC effective? More so for improving myself and doing the social media game and showing him what he’s missing out on?? I did the whole begging and all of the mistakes after we broke up, so obviously he made clear that he didn’t want to talk to me for a while. But isn’t it also beneficial to just go silent and leave him alone so that maybe he will realize what he lost?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Heather,

      The time apart and the improvement is really the only steps you could take that can help. Because if he didn’t want to talk to you because you chased, he has to think you have moved on. He has to think you’re not the old you anymore and there’s something about you or what you do that would make him want to talk to you and build rapport again.

  44. Jurr - 0

    Jurr

    Hi Chris,

    I’m doing no contact right now. It’s been 12 days now and I’m starting to panic a little bit. He first texted me on the 10th day, asking me how i was doing. When I didn’t reply, he texted me again the next day asking how our pet is doing. And the next day (today) again, asking if something is wrong and that he really wants to speak to me if it’s possible. I have always been a loving person to him, so I’m having a really dificult time to hold on not responding to him, just because I’m not like that. Won’t he think negative things about me that hurts my chance to win him back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jurr,

      when and why did you break up? How long was the relationship? How long did you keep talking after the break up?

    • Jurr - 0

      Jurr

      Hi Amor,

      We were together for 3,5 years and he broke up with me in march, so it’s been 9 months now. The reason why he broke up with me was because his feelings for me were gone since he started studying abroad. For me it came out of the blue, because we had a really good and loving relationship. But it was a peaceful breakup and we stayed on speaking terms. After we broke up he went abroad again for his study, and he would stay there for 7 months. From that moment we have been talking through text messages. One time he initiated a conversation, and the other time I did.
      During those months after the break up I knew that I still wasn’t over him completely, but when I saw him a month ago (when he came back to town again), I just realised that I want to do everything I possibly can to get back together again. That’s when I discovered your page, and I started my no contact period.
      So far so good, I haven’t talked to him for 16 days now and it’s going well, also with my self-improvement. The only two things I’m afraid of are 1 he has negative thoughts or feelings about me because of me ignoring him (just because we always have kept in touch with each other and in our relationship I was very supportive, and now all of a sudden not anymore) and 2 it maybe won’t work, this whole contact rule and stuff, because of his negative thoughts or maybe because of our specific situation…

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      So, he friendzoned you after.. For me, it’s ok to send him a clean slate text but you have to restart the count. Tell him, I know you’vee been wondering why I’m not replying and texting anymore. I apologize if that hurt you or made you worry but I realized I needed space to fully heal. When I’m ready I’ll reconnect. I hope you understand. and then restart the count and massively improve yourself.

    • Jurr - 0

      Jurr

      Thank you for your advice! Can I assume that this is something I could do if I want to contact him in the no contact period? I was thinking, because he hasn’t contacted me anymore and I’m doing good at self-improvement and I’m already halfway through my no contact period, that it is maybe better to hold on and continue no contact. After that I’ll just use your strategies for the first contact text message. And then if he asks me later “why did you ignore me?”, I’ll explain him that I needed some time and space for myself. Do you think that’s a good way to approach the situation?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes, that’s even better!

    • Jurr - 0

      Jurr

      Okay thank you very much Amor! I will try my best doing that!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome!

  45. Julia - 0

    Julia

    My boyfriend and I had been dating for 6 month. Last thursday we got into a fight. I told him that sometimes I feel insecure in the relationship, because he hasn´t met any of my friends yet and because of past experiences. He got really upset and told me that he doesn´t of if this is right anymore if he treated me so badly. I told him I am sorry but we hang up and he was in a bad mood. Friday he called and suggested that we meet up saturday to talk. I asked him what it was about. He told me that he just wants to discuss 2-3 things and that he wouldn´t throw away a relationship because of one fight. Saturday 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet he canceled on me with a text, saying that he is sorry but he just can´t, that he is confused and he is not clear about if he sees a future for us. That he is said, but he cannot get that thought out of his head. We texted a little and he said that he would write to me the next day. I asked him if he wants to break up with me. and that was my last question. He hasn´t answered yet. It is like he dissapeared completely. I wrote one text on monday in a weak moment, but that was it. I haven´t heard anythinng and I am going crazy and don´t know what to do. We still have stuff from eachother keys etc..I don´t know if he broke up, if he needs a break. I don´t what to do? No contact rule? I have no idea what is going on…thanks for you help!

    Reply
  46. Amber - 0

    Amber

    Hi Chris,

    My partner and I broke up about 2 and half months ago after a year together. He said be wasnt getting that intense love feeling he thought he should have. We had to speak for a bit after the break up due to living together and handing stuff back. We hadnt spoken for 3 weeks until he text me a few days ago saying he had my mail and asked i wanted to leave it at our mates place. I text after an hour but then i have had no reply. I broke no contact 🙁 now I feel stupid. Do I have to start all over again?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amber,

      if you only replied about the mail, you didn’t break. If you asked him about how he is, yes you did break it. Are you actively improving yourself? How much? Are you active in posting in social media?

  47. Motivated - 0

    Motivated

    It has been exactly two weeks since we broke up and I initiated no contact. I have not heard a peep out of him..and am beginning to lose hope..I made it clear to him I was deleting his number and if he wants to make an effort he would have to make the contact. It was a general break up but he was also figuring out his visa situation and basically told me to give up on him. Two weeks is a long time coming to still not have heard anything right?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If you have been clingy, two weeks is short for him to think you have changed. So, be very active during and after the no contact rule. He has to think, the least, that you are starting to change by the time you initiated contact. He has to see that you have accepted the situation, started moving on and being independent.

    • Motivated - 0

      Motivated

      I was only a little bit clingy not too full on clingy. I have been independent and positive. I can’t initiate after NC only he can cos I’ve deleted his number. People think since it’s been two weeks he won’t ever talk to me.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      That’s good. Maintain that.. so, do this nc more for him to miss you and to think you standards to maintain too..

  48. Roli - 0

    Roli

    How do you deal with a shy guy who’s generally quiet and barely replies to anyone’s texts/messages etc?

    Do I just keep chatting him up? Keep talking and asking some questions?

    Is time the only thing for this?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 2

      Chris Seiter

      I think the key here is getting him to invest.

      So, saying something so interesting (AFTER no contact) that he says something back and engages in the conversation is the key for you.

      The more you can get HIM to invest his time into the relationship the better.

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