Does The No Contact Rule Even Work?

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

I have been staring at my screen for about five minutes straight trying to find the perfect angle to attack the no contact rule from.

If you hadn’t noticed, lately I have been writing about the no contact rule a lot and I feel like today’s the day to deepen your understanding even further.

But I have to be honest with you, I’ve been coming up blank on finding a no contact rule topic that would interest you.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

You see, while I was having my deer in the headlights look an idea popped into my head.

Wait, why does the no contact rule even work?

I often talk about how great the no contact rule is but it occurred to me that I haven’t ever touched on why it worked.

I mean, if a gun was held to my head and I was told that I had to convince someone to try the no contact rule out how would I convince them?

Well, that’s where this article comes into play.

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Here Is How I Am Going To Structure This Article

I thought I would be a little unique today and structure this article a bit differently than you are used to.

You see, it occurred to me that if someone is going to go to Google and type in “will the no contact rule even work?”


They have to be having serious doubts about whether or not to even use it.

So, instead of approaching this article as if I were explaining the benefits of the no contact rule I have decided that I am going to approach this article like I am trying to convince someone who is super skeptical about it.

Get it?

So, let’s pretend that you are someone who doesn’t want to use the no contact rule on your ex.

What would I have to say to convince you to start using it?

(Because in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s kind of an important thing to try out. )

Let’s begin!

BUT FIRST… There’s Something Important You Need To Know

I have been helping men and women get back with their exes for over half a decade and I have learned that most people have preconceived notions when they end up on my site. They think that all they have to do is follow the directions that I give them on the page and they are good to go. Now, while this may hold true in some cases I will say that the no contact rule is usually such a complex process that I can’t explain everything there is to explain about it in one simple article.

Luckily, I have created an “ultimate resource” for you to follow to not only help you understand the correct way use the no contact rule but to also help you get your ex back.

All you have to do learn about this resource is to click the button below,

Master the No Contact RuleWith Tactics I Just Can't Post Publically...


The No Contact Rule Is Universal

A lot of people don’t know this but I actually recommend the no contact rule in just about every breakup situation.

Now, what do you think I mean by that?

Well, most of the women who end up on this website have one goal in mind,

They want to get their exes back at any cost

In fact, many women are so desperate for results that they literally throw themselves at my feet begging me to give them the “magic bullet” to win their ex back?

And as much as it pains me to say this,

There is no magic bullet.

It’s at this point that I let them in on my overall strategy for getting an ex back (which includes the no contact rule.)

Now, not to toot my own horn but I have been lucky enough to see some pretty amazing results with this strategy,

But I am getting way off topic here.

A big part of the strategy that I teach to get over an ex utilizes the no contact rule. However, someone who is going to try out my strategy is clearly in a space where they want to get their ex back. It never crosses their mind that the no contact rule can also be used to get over an ex.

Hence the title of this section.

The no contact rule is truly universal.

A few weeks ago I was asked by a reporter from The Cheat Sheet for my take on “The Honeymoon Period.”

My response to her was pretty darn simple,

During the honeymoon period your body is overflowing with oxytocin. In fact, every time you see your significant other oxytocin gets released and almost reinforces the good feeling that emphasizes the honeymoon period. Thus, your body is training you to fall in love every single time you see your significant other.

Now, why am I telling you this story?

Well, it’s important to realize that the no contact rule is really your best bet to counteract the chemicals being released by your body.

Think about it for a minute.

How do most people handle a breakup?

Well, they do everything they possibly can to get their ex back.

They obsess over him…

They cry over him…

Spy on him…

Stalk him…

Call him a million times…

All of these types of behaviors can trigger memories that cause Oxycontin to be released.

Therefore, it becomes more and more difficult to get over an ex.

However, when you utilize the no contact rule you are doing so with the intention that you aren’t going to obsess over your ex. You aren’t going to spy on him. You aren’t going to stalk him. You won’t call him a zillion times.

You are training your body to be ok without him.

Thus, the no contact rule can actually be used with the intention to get over an ex.

However, like I have already mentioned.

Most of you reading this article don’t care about that.

Instead, you care about the components of how the no contact rule can help you win your ex back.

Let’s take a look at that.

What Makes The No Contact Rule Work

There are really three main components that make the no contact rule such an effective strategy to use on your ex.

  1. Reactance
  2. Improvement
  3. Breaking Addiction

Now, if none of these “components” make sense to you then that is completely ok.

That’s what I am here for.

Of course, before we start getting into specifics it might be important to actually define what the no contact rule is.

I have a very different approach to the no contact rule than you might think.

You see, most experts out there will tell you that you should only use the no contact rule as a way to make your ex miss you and while it can certainly do that it’s a little bit shortsighted.

Here is how I define the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule: A period of time where you ignore your ex (except in certain circumstances) with the intent of make him miss you while at the same time giving yourself an opportunity to improve yourself and break your addiction of thinking about him too much.


Deep breath…

That was a lot.

Now, when you look at that definition can you pick out where the three components that I was talking about above come into play?

Here, I’ll make this easy for you,


But what do they mean?

What is the purpose behind these three components?

Why do they even work?

Well, let’s talk about each of the components individually and break them down from there.

Component One: Reactance

Reactance is a psychological principle.

I believe the exact definition looks a little like this,

Reactance- is a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.

But what does this even mean?

Psychology is such a great thing when it comes to “ex recovery” but the truth is that it’s a bit dry and it can be very overwhelming to someone who isn’t practiced.

So, I am going to do what I do best.

I am going to break it down for you to it’s simplest form.

You like chocolate chip cookies, right?

Well, let’s pretend that I made a whole batch of them and right as you go to reach for one I slap your hand away,


Ok, this isn’t exactly a slap on the hand but you get the idea.

“Why did you do that?” you ask me.

“You can’t have these. I made these for only me” I tell you.

By depriving you of eating a cookie I am essentially taking your freedom away to have cookies. So, in turn the cookies begin to look more appealing to you and you start to take specific actions to sneak a cookie behind my back.


Simple, because when I took your freedom away you are likely to react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

Now, let’s apply this same principle to something simple like the no contact rule.

By ignoring your ex completely except in those specific circumstances you are depriving him of his freedom to talk to you. So, it stands to reason that he is going to react in a way to try to get his freedom back.

The end result is that he is going to take specific actions in line with HIM missing you.

Of course, most people who recommend the no contact rule do it for this reason alone.

But I find that most of those people don’t have an understanding of WHY the no contact rule makes an ex miss you.

But the Ex Recovery Team and I have found that this is the least effective component of the no contact rule. It’s actually the people who implement the other two components that have the greatest success when it comes to their exes.

In fact, that’s a perfect segue. Let’s talk about the next component now.

Component Two: Improvement

The no contact rule presents you with an opportunity.

Now, I am a huge fan of the acronym FEAR.

(I promise that I’m not reinventing the wheel hear.)

You see, when most people go through a breakup fear takes hold of them.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Run

They can’t deal with the pain. So, instead they rely on the “reactance” part of the no contact rule to make everything all better. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.

Yes, by ignoring your ex boyfriend you can technically raise the chances that he will miss you. However, my team and I have found that the best way to speed that process up is by utilizing FEAR in another way.

F- Face

E- Everything

A- And

R- Rise

Instead of just sitting on your hands hoping that your ex will have this epiphany and come back into the picture I say take a proactive approach.

Why not use the no contact rule as an opportunity to cultivate your life?

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“Ok, but how do I do that?”

Great question, I recently did an interview where I was asked what advice I could give to my younger self.

It took me a while to come up with something but ultimately I came up with my “holy trinity” technique.

If you don’t know what that is then I recommend you check this out.

I will give you a quick crash course though.

If you could divide your life up into it’s three most important aspects you would probably pick,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Now, the trick with this “trinity” is to find a way to maximize each aspect while achieving a healthy balance.

So, let’s pretend your holy trinity spread looks like this at this very moment,


Your health seems to be decent but your wealth and relationships have taken a massive hit.

Well, instead of letting this fact break you (like so many people tend to do) let’s look at this as an opportunity for improvement.

Remember, we are very “glass half full” here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

So, let’s attempt to get this type of a spread,


Do you see how everything is maximized and balanced at the same time?

Pretty awesome, right?

Here’s the thing that I left out though.

Getting everything perfectly balanced and maximized is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried in my life.


Well, in order to fully explain this I first must talk about our most finite resource in the world, time.

As a human beings we only have a certain amount of time that we can dedicate to this process every single day.

Let’s break this down.

1 Day = 24 hours

According to research the average person SHOULD sleep between 6 to 9 hours per night. So, let’s say that you are averaging around 7 hours at night.

All of a sudden our 24 hours of time to work with becomes 17 hours.

After Sleep We Have 17 Hours To Play With

Now, let’s assume that you wanted to work on your holy trinity during this 17 hour period every day.

What would your spread look like?

Well, in a perfect world it would look a little like this,


Now, some of you may be wondering why I didn’t choose every aspect to have 5 hours across the board.

Well, working on health for 5 hours a day is the type of training that professional athletes are used to and since I don’t think most of you are professional athletes I don’t think you will be able to do that.

The spread above is ideally what you should be shooting for.

Of course, I still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room.

If you recall, we had a total of 17 hours to work with and I have only addressed 12 of those hours with the holy trinity. Why do you think that is?

Well, I want you to have some down time to do whatever you want.

  • Watch a movie
  • Watch tv
  • Play video games
  • Read a book
  • You get the picture

But remember, this spread is only supposed to be happening in a perfect world.

Do we live in a perfect world?

No, absolutely not.

Usually our real spread looks like this,


We work too much without exercising.

And usually the only time we get to spend cultivating relationships is within our own family. Now, there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes it’s a good idea to meet more people but I am getting way off track here.

My point by showing you these graphics is to highlight how difficult it is to maintain a balance of the holy trinity.

Because putting time into one aspect takes away from another one.

Keep this in mind as you progress.

The Holy Trinity During The No Contact Rule

So, now that you have the nuts and bolts on how the holy trinity works let’s talk a little bit about how it will fit into the no contact rule.

The number one mistake I see women making over and over during the no contact rule is simply relying on component one (reactance) to do all the work when it comes to getting their ex boyfriend back.

After all, how could improving yourself help you get your ex back?

Actually, I would say that if you rely entirely on reactance to do all the work you are taking a huge risk that probably won’t pay off.

Why do I say that?

Well, think of it this way.

Half of the battle with making sure you stay true to the no contact rule is keeping yourself distracted. You see, there are a lot of people who start the no contact rule with the right intentions but the addiction takes over and they end up breaking it.

(Don’t worry, we are going to talk about addiction in a second.)

Utilizing a tactic like the holy trinity during the no contact rule is going to keep you distracted enough to where you will have an easier time staying in no contact.

On top of that, I have always found that the people who go above and beyond with the holy trinity have this really attractive vibe that pays off later on in the process.

But let’s not get off topic here.

We still have another component to talk about.

Component Three: Breaking Addiction

If you are an avid reader of this website then you have probably heard me say,

The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that lights up in a cocaine addict going through withdrawal.

It’s kind of my go to quote to make people realize how difficult it can be for someone going through a breakup.

I got the quote from renowned anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who once famously compared love to a drug.

Of course, I am often given a difficult task by my clients to find a way to cure the addiction that is a breakup not by moving on but by getting that person back.

Well, one of the things that I have learned in my years here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that there is nothing more unattractive than a breakup junkie.

Allow me to expand.

Breakup Junkie- Someone who won’t stop obsessing about their ex to the point that it becomes annoying to them.

I’ll give you an example of a breakup junkie.

Yesterday I got an email from a woman who wanted to hire me as a consultant.

Yay me, right?

Eh…. not so much.

As I read her email she casually explained that she had already hired someone to advise her on how to get her ex back and after months of attempting a campaign this person advised her to try moving on.

That’s when she decided to fire him and look for someone who was going to give her actionable advice directly relating to getting her ex back.

Now, there are a few issues with her situation.

She is clearly obsessed about her ex to the point that she is willing to throw out good advice that could actually help her. You see, the reason I am not taking her on as a client is because I would give her the same type of advice.

Try moving on.

I have actually found that this is the most effective way make your ex want you back after you have turned them off.

I’ll admit, it’s a huge leap of faith for a lot of people. In fact, most scoff at it but the results are undeniable.

The problem with the breakup addict girl I am talking about is that she probably ruined her chances of getting her ex back because she annoyed her ex to the point that he was turned off.

And believe me, it can happen.

It’s not her fault though.

She is just a love addict looking for her fix.

She’s not thinking logically.

And that’s where the no contact rule can come into play.

By essentially imposing a forced time out you can take some time to let the addiction die down.

Hence, that’s why this component is called “breaking addiction.”

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

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What Do You Think? (243)

  1. Nia - 0


    My ex has been in a rebound since my depression caused me to break up with him 2 months ago. Depression makes people make poor choices, and I thought I should go back to my previous ex because he would take care of me. That was a dumb idea, he was an ex for a reason. My current ex wanted to be friends and we were getting along great but it hurt because he wanted to date the rebound.
    I started the no contact and he tried to reach out to me, but when I answered a day later he said he just had a moment of weakness and he’s fine now. Then I started no contact again and after two weeks he wrote a big long message about how he feels like I have all the power, and he was tired of waiting and he’s moved. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said he couldn’t take me back anyway because I left for me ex. He has since started seeing his rebound much more frequently and actually dating her. I feel like I lost the chance to get him back because I took too long to contact him and he’s now completely moved on. I do want him to be happy, so I don’t want to interfere if this rebound will actually make him happy when I couldn’t. But I don’t even know how to stay present in his mind when there is a new girl. I kind of feel bad for her too knowing that he only jumped into it to forget me. But maybe he will be happier?
    I still wake up in the middle of the night angry that he didn’t support me through my depression, just ran off because I was confused and hurt that he wasn’t around when I needed him, to the point I thought my ex was a viable choice. I can’t even be a positive, flirty person because I don’t want to be that girl that breaks up a possible good thing for someone I love. How do I handle this?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nia,

      you lost the power when you replied to his long message.. that was his way of trying to make you reply to regain the power back..restart the count of 30 days, go back to improving yourself and being active in posting and stick to it..unless he says he wants to get back together

  2. Nicole - 0


    Does the no contact rule work if its the 3rd time that he breaks up with me using the same excuses he says he needs time on his own…needs to focus on school and says he is mad at everything.. he broke up last week and since then he said nothing…..last time he came back after 4 weeks of no contact.
    We date for 1 year and 2 months.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nicole,

      the more you do no contact, the less it can help and if you are on and off that means you have to do a longer one this time, at least 45 days

  3. Francesca - 0


    Hi. I found this website the day after my ex and I broke up. We broke up after we were fighting a lot. I know now that I was the issue. The fights weren’t about anything but I was just unhappy with myself and carried negativity. I recently started counseling to deal with my emotions. I’m on the first week and I am confused on what to do with my ex. I know we have the NC rule and I will follow it but I can’t help but to think about my chances. Everyone says get over it but I can’t because I messed up a great thing. During the break up after crying and begging the first day and talking for 4 hours. We both calmed down. Nothing mean was said. I apologized a lot. He said we needed to end it now while before we hate each other. I said I’m going to miss him and he said he will too but he won’t be erasing me either. I asked if we can try again…he said he doesn’t know and he may consider it but he doesn’t know. His friend says give up because he’s never seen him go back to an ex. PS. we texted the day after the break up but I stopped after reading the material from here.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Francesca,

      finish at least 30 days first.. improve first, that’s the most important aspect of it.. if you were the only problem, then use that as motivation to change..

  4. Kay - 0


    Ok, so for all you doubting ladies out there, I have some reassurance- this guy truly knows men. After being broken up with by a guy who I embarrasingly grovelled to because I told myself, and him, that my pride wasn’t worth losing him over….and with a guy who once wanted to marry me and who ended up losing some respect for me when my insecurities took hold of the relationship, this same guy who had complete control over the breakup, has since texted me 3 days and called once all over a period of the first 6 days of no contact. His messages went from somewhat romantic in the form of sending me a music video that he had said early on in the relationship made him think of me, to messages of I miss you’s, to messages of hurt and anger like deleting me from Facebook, to now groveling and admitting he “never does this” and misses and loves me. And you know what? Day 4 in I said to my friends finally, “You know what? I deserve more than an ‘I miss you’, because, duh, that’s a given for anyone in a break up. I deserve an ‘I love you’ and an ‘I’m sorry’, and an acknowledgement of some sort of responsibility for some issues, as I have taken the blame for it all unfairly.” So he’s on his way…even mentioning he was finally putting down his pride and “didn’t care”, which was part one I was waiting for since I had done so so many times. But the funny thing is that, just as Chris said, I am starting to find myself and my self-respect again and now I’m seeing things a bit more clearly…and I’m not sure I want to have it back because I’m not sure it was healthy for me. Anyways, stay strong ladies and trust in the process.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kay,

      Im happy for you! Thanks for sharing!

  5. Lyd - 0


    We went on a break on February 8, and eventually broke up on February 15. He was “unsure” about the future, which is why we originally went on a break, which was to end on March 4. When we spoke during the break up he was still unsure, And I asked him if he wanted the rest of the break to think about things. He told me over text “I don’t want to wait two weeks to talk to you!!!!!! I never wanted to wait three and a half weeks to talk to you!” After that, we spoke a few times, and the last time was very cordial and civil and we didn’t talk about emotions or the relationship at all. I started my no contact period on February 26. I got a text this past Monday (12th) saying ” hey, how are you. I was cleaning and I found your copy of the cable guy in my apartment. How can I get that to you sometime?” Is this a good sign? I still have at least a week left of my no contact, and I feel really bad for ignoring him. He so important to me and any insight you can give me into my situation would be very very appreciated. Thank you!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lyd,

      yes that’s a good sign but did you improve yourself and were you active in posting in social media? if not, do that now and extend at least a week of nc..

  6. Jasmine - 0


    Hello Chris,

    I need some advice. My fiancé and I just broke up about 2.5 weeks ago and I moved out. On New Years we had a huge fight and he started distancing himself saying some really hurtful things like he didn’t know if he saw a future with me, that he was torn if he wanted to be together or not, that he may still have feelings for his ex wife. He said that he may need space to figure things out etc. Because I couldn’t take the back and forth and the mental roller coaster (almost 1.5) months I decided to make the decision for him and break things off. The day I moved out I told him that anything that I left at the house he could just throw away. I started NC immediately he has reached out to me a few times taking pictures of clothing or mail that didn’t get forwarded to see if I wanted to meet up and pick them up even though I have not asked for these items. In one of the text he called me dramatic because I told him again to just throw away the items and I refused to meet up with him to pick it up. Do these text mean he misses me or do you think he is just being nice? So far I have been doing very good with no contact and not engaging him. I would really like for us to reconcile but I don’t want a man that is not sure about me. We were together for almost 2 years how long do you think I should continue no contact?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jasmine,

      do at least 30 days.. Yes, that looks like he’s missing you and that’s his way of trying to reconnect.

  7. JL - 0


    my ex asked a favour a couple of weeks ago, after i helped him, he offered me a help which i can do it myself or we can do it together. but i refused as he has a new girl friend, i am a bit confused, should i take his offer?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jl,

      it’s too vague.. is it something that only you can do?

  8. Suzanne - 0


    I’m on day 22 of the 30-day NC and having a really hard time heading into this last week. My ex has texted me four times during NC– a text about a sports team we like, a “hey,” a “miss you,” and “i’m sorry. goodbye.” The last one came a week ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. What are my chances of getting a response when NC ends if he said “goodbye” because I wasn’t responding?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Suzanne,

      he’s just respecting your space.. But the fact that he is curious about you during nc, gives a good chance that he will respond.

  9. Martyna - 0


    HI. My name is Martina and I really need some relationship advice. I’m a total mess since the break up and I don’t know what to do. I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years and everything was great. We fell in love from the first sight and every month we visited each other. We talked and wrote to each other every day. It was hard but he was always the one to comfort me when I was sad about it. Suddenly one day he found out that he might be genetically ill( he has 50%). He did some resarches on this disease and had to wait so long for the results. No matter what I was still there for him. As time went by he found out that the results has came. He had to come back to my country and open them. Since he found out about it he became very indifferent he did not want to talk to me and was so cold towards me but I was patient and waited for results… Then he comes to my hause… all in tears saying that he can no longer live like this with me and that we have to break up claiming that results made him think about us a lot. He said that he asked everybody if he should be with me and all his family told him not to…. He deleted all our pictures and does not want to have any contact with me at all. He said that this is going to be better for both of us if we separate and that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He still does not know if he is ill or not.He said he loves me so much but this distance is killing him. I suggested him some resolutions to this problem but he does not want to talk to me about it and thinks that it will destroy my life completely. He said that it is easier to forget about everything and that “time heals wounds” , He did not want to listen to me. It hurts me so bad and I still love him so much. I started no contact and we have no contact for a week already. No message My question is will the no contact work for me at all ? please help me

  10. Chris Seiter - 4

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    well that’s you.. as you said, you wouldn’t be harsh as him, so it makes sense th at you also wouldn’t do what hes doing now.. being interested can mean he wants to reconnect but not necessarily to be back together right can be because he’s trying to guage how much you really changed. If it’s just physical or just for show.. or he’s just guilty about what he did and he’s now friendzoning you to clear his conscience

  11. Chris Seiter - 4

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    Hi Amanda,
    if you improved, it can be interest but it can also be because he felt guilty on what he had to do for you to move on and now he wants things to clear the air and to be normal again.

  12. Chris Seiter - 4

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    Hi Amanda,
    just to make it clear, you just want insight on why he’s talking to you again right? But you dont want him back? That’s probably because he senses you gave up and now really moving on.. So, he thought it’s safe to talk to you again.. did you improve yourself in the past 2 months?


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