I have been staring at my screen for about five minutes straight trying to find the perfect angle to attack the no contact rule from.
If you hadn’t noticed, lately I have been writing about the no contact rule a lot and I feel like today’s the day to deepen your understanding even further.
But I have to be honest with you, I’ve been coming up blank on finding a no contact rule topic that would interest you.
Well, that’s not entirely true.
You see, while I was having my deer in the headlights look an idea popped into my head.
Wait, why does the no contact rule even work?
I often talk about how great the no contact rule is but it occurred to me that I haven’t ever touched on why it worked.
I mean, if a gun was held to my head and I was told that I had to convince someone to try the no contact rule out how would I convince them?
Well, that’s where this article comes into play.
Here Is How I Am Going To Structure This Article
I thought I would be a little unique today and structure this article a bit differently than you are used to.
You see, it occurred to me that if someone is going to go to Google and type in “will the no contact rule even work?”
They have to be having serious doubts about whether or not to even use it.
So, instead of approaching this article as if I were explaining the benefits of the no contact rule I have decided that I am going to approach this article like I am trying to convince someone who is super skeptical about it.
So, let’s pretend that you are someone who doesn’t want to use the no contact rule on your ex.
What would I have to say to convince you to start using it?
Maybe you should check out our ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!
(Because in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s kind of an important thing to try out. )
The No Contact Rule Is Universal
A lot of people don’t know this but I actually recommend the no contact rule in just about every breakup situation.
Now, what do you think I mean by that?
Well, most of the women who end up on this website have one goal in mind,
They want to get their exes back at any cost
In fact, many women are so desperate for results that they literally throw themselves at my feet begging me to give them the “magic bullet” to win their ex back?
And as much as it pains me to say this,
There is no magic bullet.
It’s at this point that I let them in on my overall strategy for getting an ex back (which includes the no contact rule.)
Now, not to toot my own horn but I have been lucky enough to see some pretty amazing results with this strategy,
But I am getting way off topic here.
A big part of the strategy that I teach to get over an ex utilizes the no contact rule. However, someone who is going to try out my strategy is clearly in a space where they want to get their ex back. It never crosses their mind that the no contact rule can also be used to get over an ex.
Hence the title of this section.
The no contact rule is truly universal.
A few weeks ago I was asked by a reporter from The Cheat Sheet for my take on “The Honeymoon Period.”
My response to her was pretty darn simple,
During the honeymoon period your body is overflowing with oxytocin. In fact, every time you see your significant other oxytocin gets released and almost reinforces the good feeling that emphasizes the honeymoon period. Thus, your body is training you to fall in love every single time you see your significant other.
Now, why am I telling you this story?
Well, it’s important to realize that the no contact rule is really your best bet to counteract the chemicals being released by your body.
Think about it for a minute.
How do most people handle a breakup?
Well, they do everything they possibly can to get their ex back.
They obsess over him…
They cry over him…
Spy on him…
Call him a million times…
All of these types of behaviors can trigger memories that cause Oxycontin to be released.
Therefore, it becomes more and more difficult to get over an ex.
However, when you utilize the no contact rule you are doing so with the intention that you aren’t going to obsess over your ex. You aren’t going to spy on him. You aren’t going to stalk him. You won’t call him a zillion times.
You are training your body to be ok without him.
Thus, the no contact rule can actually be used with the intention to get over an ex.
However, like I have already mentioned.
Most of you reading this article don’t care about that.
Instead, you care about the components of how the no contact rule can help you win your ex back.
Let’s take a look at that.
What Makes The No Contact Rule Work
There are really three main components that make the no contact rule such an effective strategy to use on your ex.
- Breaking Addiction
Now, if none of these “components” make sense to you then that is completely ok.
That’s what I am here for.
Of course, before we start getting into specifics it might be important to actually define what the no contact rule is.
I have a very different approach to the no contact rule than you might think.
You see, most experts out there will tell you that you should only use the no contact rule as a way to make your ex miss you and while it can certainly do that it’s a little bit shortsighted.
Here is how I define the no contact rule,
The No Contact Rule: A period of time where you ignore your ex (except in certain circumstances) with the intent of make him miss you while at the same time giving yourself an opportunity to improve yourself and break your addiction of thinking about him too much.
That was a lot.
Now, when you look at that definition can you pick out where the three components that I was talking about above come into play?
Here, I’ll make this easy for you,
But what do they mean?
What is the purpose behind these three components?
Why do they even work?
Well, let’s talk about each of the components individually and break them down from there.
Component One: Reactance
Reactance is a psychological principle.
I believe the exact definition looks a little like this,
Reactance- is a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.
But what does this even mean?
Psychology is such a great thing when it comes to “ex recovery” but the truth is that it’s a bit dry and it can be very overwhelming to someone who isn’t practiced.
So, I am going to do what I do best.
I am going to break it down for you to it’s simplest form.
You like chocolate chip cookies, right?
Well, let’s pretend that I made a whole batch of them and right as you go to reach for one I slap your hand away,
Ok, this isn’t exactly a slap on the hand but you get the idea.
“Why did you do that?” you ask me.
“You can’t have these. I made these for only me” I tell you.
By depriving you of eating a cookie I am essentially taking your freedom away to have cookies. So, in turn the cookies begin to look more appealing to you and you start to take specific actions to sneak a cookie behind my back.
Simple, because when I took your freedom away you are likely to react in a way to try to get that freedom back.
Now, let’s apply this same principle to something simple like the no contact rule.
By ignoring your ex completely except in those specific circumstances you are depriving him of his freedom to talk to you. So, it stands to reason that he is going to react in a way to try to get his freedom back.
The end result is that he is going to take specific actions in line with HIM missing you.
Of course, most people who recommend the no contact rule do it for this reason alone.
But I find that most of those people don’t have an understanding of WHY the no contact rule makes an ex miss you.
But the Ex Recovery Team and I have found that this is the least effective component of the no contact rule. It’s actually the people who implement the other two components that have the greatest success when it comes to their exes.
In fact, that’s a perfect segue. Let’s talk about the next component now.
Component Two: Improvement
The no contact rule presents you with an opportunity.
Now, I am a huge fan of the acronym FEAR.
(I promise that I’m not reinventing the wheel hear.)
You see, when most people go through a breakup fear takes hold of them.
They can’t deal with the pain. So, instead they rely on the “reactance” part of the no contact rule to make everything all better. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
Yes, by ignoring your ex boyfriend you can technically raise the chances that he will miss you. However, my team and I have found that the best way to speed that process up is by utilizing FEAR in another way.
Instead of just sitting on your hands hoping that your ex will have this epiphany and come back into the picture I say take a proactive approach.
Why not use the no contact rule as an opportunity to cultivate your life?
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“Ok, but how do I do that?”
Great question, I recently did an interview where I was asked what advice I could give to my younger self.
It took me a while to come up with something but ultimately I came up with my “holy trinity” technique.
If you don’t know what that is then I recommend you check this out.
I will give you a quick crash course though.
If you could divide your life up into it’s three most important aspects you would probably pick,
Now, the trick with this “trinity” is to find a way to maximize each aspect while achieving a healthy balance.
So, let’s pretend your holy trinity spread looks like this at this very moment,
Your health seems to be decent but your wealth and relationships have taken a massive hit.
Well, instead of letting this fact break you (like so many people tend to do) let’s look at this as an opportunity for improvement.
Remember, we are very “glass half full” here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
So, let’s attempt to get this type of a spread,
Do you see how everything is maximized and balanced at the same time?
Pretty awesome, right?
Here’s the thing that I left out though.
Getting everything perfectly balanced and maximized is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried in my life.
Well, in order to fully explain this I first must talk about our most finite resource in the world, time.
As a human beings we only have a certain amount of time that we can dedicate to this process every single day.
Let’s break this down.
1 Day = 24 hours
According to research the average person SHOULD sleep between 6 to 9 hours per night. So, let’s say that you are averaging around 7 hours at night.
All of a sudden our 24 hours of time to work with becomes 17 hours.
After Sleep We Have 17 Hours To Play With
Now, let’s assume that you wanted to work on your holy trinity during this 17 hour period every day.
What would your spread look like?
Well, in a perfect world it would look a little like this,
Now, some of you may be wondering why I didn’t choose every aspect to have 5 hours across the board.
Well, working on health for 5 hours a day is the type of training that professional athletes are used to and since I don’t think most of you are professional athletes I don’t think you will be able to do that.
The spread above is ideally what you should be shooting for.
Of course, I still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room.
If you recall, we had a total of 17 hours to work with and I have only addressed 12 of those hours with the holy trinity. Why do you think that is?
Well, I want you to have some down time to do whatever you want.
- Watch a movie
- Watch tv
- Play video games
- Read a book
- You get the picture
But remember, this spread is only supposed to be happening in a perfect world.
Do we live in a perfect world?
No, absolutely not.
Usually our real spread looks like this,
We work too much without exercising.
And usually the only time we get to spend cultivating relationships is within our own family. Now, there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes it’s a good idea to meet more people but I am getting way off track here.
My point by showing you these graphics is to highlight how difficult it is to maintain a balance of the holy trinity.
Because putting time into one aspect takes away from another one.
Keep this in mind as you progress.
The Holy Trinity During The No Contact Rule
So, now that you have the nuts and bolts on how the holy trinity works let’s talk a little bit about how it will fit into the no contact rule.
The number one mistake I see women making over and over during the no contact rule is simply relying on component one (reactance) to do all the work when it comes to getting their ex boyfriend back.
After all, how could improving yourself help you get your ex back?
Actually, I would say that if you rely entirely on reactance to do all the work you are taking a huge risk that probably won’t pay off.
Why do I say that?
Well, think of it this way.
Half of the battle with making sure you stay true to the no contact rule is keeping yourself distracted. You see, there are a lot of people who start the no contact rule with the right intentions but the addiction takes over and they end up breaking it.
(Don’t worry, we are going to talk about addiction in a second.)
Utilizing a tactic like the holy trinity during the no contact rule is going to keep you distracted enough to where you will have an easier time staying in no contact.
On top of that, I have always found that the people who go above and beyond with the holy trinity have this really attractive vibe that pays off later on in the process.
But let’s not get off topic here.
We still have another component to talk about.
Component Three: Breaking Addiction
If you are an avid reader of this website then you have probably heard me say,
The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that lights up in a cocaine addict going through withdrawal.
It’s kind of my go to quote to make people realize how difficult it can be for someone going through a breakup.
I got the quote from renowned anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who once famously compared love to a drug.
Of course, I am often given a difficult task by my clients to find a way to cure the addiction that is a breakup not by moving on but by getting that person back.
Well, one of the things that I have learned in my years here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that there is nothing more unattractive than a breakup junkie.
Allow me to expand.
Breakup Junkie- Someone who won’t stop obsessing about their ex to the point that it becomes annoying to them.
I’ll give you an example of a breakup junkie.
Yesterday I got an email from a woman who wanted to hire me as a consultant.
Yay me, right?
Eh…. not so much.
As I read her email she casually explained that she had already hired someone to advise her on how to get her ex back and after months of attempting a campaign this person advised her to try moving on.
That’s when she decided to fire him and look for someone who was going to give her actionable advice directly relating to getting her ex back.
Now, there are a few issues with her situation.
She is clearly obsessed about her ex to the point that she is willing to throw out good advice that could actually help her. You see, the reason I am not taking her on as a client is because I would give her the same type of advice.
Try moving on.
I have actually found that this is the most effective way make your ex want you back after you have turned them off.
I’ll admit, it’s a huge leap of faith for a lot of people. In fact, most scoff at it but the results are undeniable.
The problem with the breakup addict girl I am talking about is that she probably ruined her chances of getting her ex back because she annoyed her ex to the point that he was turned off.
And believe me, it can happen.
It’s not her fault though.
She is just a love addict looking for her fix.
She’s not thinking logically.
And that’s where the no contact rule can come into play.
By essentially imposing a forced time out you can take some time to let the addiction die down.
Hence, that’s why this component is called “breaking addiction.”