By Chris Seiter

Published on June 7th, 2021

Today is all about the biggest question in the breakup space – should you get your ex back?

I love talking about this question because it’s so controversial.

Depending on who you ask, you will probably get a starkly different opinion. So I won’t take a gigantic stance on it either way; instead, I want to show you exactly how we approach a question like this.

First off, let’s discuss the general stigma around getting back together with an ex:

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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The False Negative Stigma Around Getting an Ex Back

Most avenues in society will tell you that trying to get an ex back is outrageous.

Think of your own friends and family – how would they react if you said you wanted to get back together with your ex?

Probably not too well. I can bet most, if not all, the people in your life will try to talk you out of getting an ex back, saying things like “why would you ever want that person back?” or “you’re better off without them.”

Why does society say this?

It all stems from a single false belief – once you break up with an ex, reconciliation won’t ever work out.

Where do I stand on this? Well, I’m split because I’ve seen it both ways – sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t.

To be honest, around half of the people we have helped get back together have broken up with their exes again. So there’s literally a 50 chance of you getting your ex back and breaking up with them again.

But on the other hand, I’ve also seen cases where people got back together and got engaged or even married – I’d definitely consider that a success! So there are signs that it can work out and that it may not work out too.

As far as your sphere of influence – the people who you surround yourself with whose opinions you care about – are concerned, they are not in agreement with the idea of getting your ex back.

They’ll think it’s toxic, it won’t work, or they have some sort of negative opinion. Usually, people who think it’s toxic or won’t work are drawing from their own personal experiences where they got an ex back, and it was a disaster.

Then sometimes I’ve seen people who have never tried to get an ex back or even wanted to get an ex back, and they always have an opinion until they find themselves in your exact situation and want an ex back themselves.

Here’s my ultimate stance on this:

Do whatever you can do so that you feel confident with the choices you’ve made when you put your head down on the pillow at the end of the night.

So if you know you’re going to regret at least not trying to get your ex back, then you should try to give it your best chance. But if you don’t really care about getting your ex back or just had a weak moment, you probably shouldn’t try to get your ex back. With that being said, we have identified certain types of exes you should not get back with for various reasons.

Exes You Should Not Get Back Together With

There are some exes who you should NEVER try to get back because of the situation, and there are others who you should avoid because you’ll probably break up again.

Let’s first look at the exes who are absolute bad news, and you should stay away from them under any circumstances.

Abusive exes are a no-no.

If there was any physical or emotional abuse, we do not ever condone getting someone like that back. It’s better to run off for the hills and never look back if you faced this obviously toxic scenario.

Next, make sure your ex does not fall into any of these categories, or you’ll probably end up breaking up again:

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Your ex is a chronic cheater

If your ex cheated on you (or someone else) multiple times before, they would probably cheat again. There’s no need to put yourself through that again and play the insecure guessing game of whether you will be cheated on again.

Overly narcissistic exes

Narcissist exes are people who make everything about them at all times. Do yourself a favor and google the definition and traits of narcissism. If your ex fits into those, don’t try to get them back.

Act on evil impulses exes

This is the kind of petty ex we see all the time on our private Facebook support group.

They hate you so much and want revenge, so they go out on dates and send you pictures of them making out with someone else. If your ex is acting on these immature evil impulses, you want nothing to do with them!

Overly controlling exes

Overly controlling exes are incredibly insecure, so they take controlling your life to the next level.

For example, if you go to the bathroom at your ex’s house and take slightly longer than usual, they’ll start knocking and asking you what’s taking so long. Just the mere fact that you spend a few extra minutes in the restroom is enough to make them fear that you’re cheating on them.

So if your ex wants to know and dictate every aspect of your life, such as what you wear, who you meet, how you spend your time… don’t try to get back together with them.

Engaged exes

For moral reasons, it’s just not a good idea to get back an ex who’s been engaged. Now some people will argue with me on this; they will say it’s not really a done deal until you have married that person – I disagree. It’s a bad look, so don’t try to get this person back

Now I’ve kind of danced around the truth here without addressing the big question…

Should You Get Your Ex Back?

Our approach – don’t decide on getting your ex back until you go through our self-development gauntlet.

This gauntlet is a newer concept I’ve been playing around with but haven’t fully explained to clients yet. Luckily, last week I got an email from one of our clients who had essentially figured out the gauntlet.

So I’m going to share her exact message here, but before I do, I want to be clear that this is not a success story – it’s just a regular client trying to get their ex back through our program, and she noticed something interesting about it:

I think this email was a perfect summation of everything we’re trying to achieve here.

We want you to know that you can come into this ex recovery process with doubts. You can come into this not really knowing if you want to get your ex back, just knowing that you want to live without regrets.

See our program is designed to help you achieve a goal – getting your ex back, but what we’ve learned is getting an ex back is counterintuitive. You can’t get an ex back until you give your ex something significantly different to come back to.

You need to start taking care of yourself first.

You need to go on a self-development journey first to truly know yourself and your intentions. We basically run you through this gauntlet where we ask you questions or make you do things that actively help you try to get over your ex. If you still want your ex back after we have hit you with every question and conceivable idea of helping you outgrow them, it’s probably a good idea to get them back because you will live with tons of regrets if you don’t at least try.

But unfortunately, what we see happen is that many people either never finish the gauntlet or completely miss the point of the gauntlet. So let’s talk about those two types of people:

People who never finish the gauntlet: These people buy our program, read it a few times, and begin the gauntlet. However, then it becomes too hard, or they let their anxious behavior take over, so they give up on the process.

People who completely miss the point of the gauntlet: These people hyper-focus on the tactical approaches to winning an ex back and completely forget about needing the proper mindset. The interpretation of a no contact rule is a great way to explain these people.

We’ve learned that the intent you go into a no contact rule with matters more than anything else.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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A lot of people incorrectly approach the no contact rule solely to make their ex miss them. Unfortunately, that is the wrong mindset. The intent of going to a no contact rule shouldn’t be trying to get an ex back; it should be putting all the focus on yourself and outgrowing your ex. People who only focus on playing hard to get, so their ex misses them usually fail at no contact because they did not properly work on themselves.

This also bleeds into things like the value ladder. Everything you say to your ex over text or in-person comes across as tactical and inauthentic because you entirely missed the point of the self-development gauntlet.

Now luckily, this gauntlet is designed for the best of both worlds. Think of it like a massive stress test where we try everything to help you get over your ex. If you don’t want your ex back anymore, you’ll be a happy person who moved on from them. On the other hand, if you still want them back, you’ve just proven to yourself that you care about your ex a LOT and are capable of achieving the mindset needed to get them back.


To recap, you should only make a decision to get your ex back once you have gone through our self-discovery gauntlet that basically helps you try to get over your ex.

If you cannot get over your ex by the time you’ve gone through our gauntlet, then you should try to get them back, so you can live without regrets.

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1 thought on “Should I Get My Ex Back?”

  1. K

    June 8, 2021 at 11:10 pm

    It has been two years since my ex broke up with me. He started dating someone else right after that. After the breakup he made it clear we couldn’t be friends or stay in contact because it wouldn’t be fair to his new girlfriend. However he had sent me breadcrumbs several times throughout the two years. I got a phone call from him out of the blue last month. He apologized for not ever contacting me in 7 months. He had some health concerns and wanted to talk to me about it. I still have feelings for him but he doesn’t know that. He said we can talk again in a week but I didn’t hear from him again until a few days ago when he texted me. It’s strange that he would text me on a Sunday morning when he had his kids and his college friend was in town visiting him too. I knew that because I saw on his friend FB. His text was different this time. He’s not asking me for a favor or needed something from me. He was asking me how I was doing. He wanted me to stay in touch with him. This is the first time since our breakup that he wants us to communicate again. I need advice. Should I put more into this? I still love him and would love for us to get back together. Is he throwing that out there that we should stay in touch so I can make the next move? I never reached out to him first in a year and half. I don’t know if I should get my hopes up now that I am in a good place emotionally . Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks