Today we’re going to be talking about if getting back with an ex ever works out.

It’s an interesting question because a large part of this entire website operates under the premise that getting an ex back works.

But if you really take a look at the question there are two things people typically want to know.

  1. Is it even possible to get back together with an ex?
  2. Do couples who get back together stay together?

We’re going to answer both today.

And if you stick around and read this entire article I’m going to give you three question that you need to ask yourself before considering getting back with your ex.

Let’s begin.

The Good News And Bad News

Let’s start with the good news.

When it comes to the question of if it’s possible to get back together with an ex the good news is that it absolutely works.

In fact, I’ve written multiple articles and filmed multiple videos about how I believe our success rate is better than any of our peers.

That’s the good news.

Let’s look at the bad news.

The Bad News: Roughly around 50% of couples break up again within three months.

Now, one advantage that I have over my peers is data.

My advice tends to be better because I’m giving it based on what we’re finding in research as opposed to gut feelings.

So, I figured it would be a good idea to interview the couples who used our program to get back together with their exes only to break up again and find out why.

Why Do So Many Couples Who Get Back Together Break Up Again?

After interviewing these couples and finding out why they broke up again we learned some interesting things,

  • The problems that initially caused the breakup weren’t fixed and continued to plague the relationship
  • One person usually emotionally self destructed out of fear that another breakup would occur
  • They got back together out of comfort as opposed to real love.

I’d like to briefly explore these three things so that you have a better understanding of what they mean exactly.

The Problems Weren’t Fixed

This was the most cited reason for another breakup.

Essentially what tends to happen with most couples who reunite is that the problems that caused the breakup in the first place weren’t fixed.

Usually there’s what I like to call a “mini honeymoon period” when you get back together a second time which can kind of hide some of those issues that happened in the first relationship.

But eventually they will crop up again if they aren’t addressed.

The Fear of Another Breakup

Another common issue cited from the people I interviewed was the fact that they would be so worried about another breakup that they would emotionally self destruct.

I’ve often claimed that there’s nothing worse than the shot you don’t see coming.

If your first breakup was considered to be “out of the blue” then that initial shock will create a fear that you can’t forget.

Getting Back Together Based On Comfort

What I’m about to say is super cliche but it’s something that definitely holds true.

Some couples aren’t meant to get back together.

However, there’s nothing better than the comfort of a fallback.

Sometimes that happens where you and your ex get back together based on comfort. Maybe it was a little more difficult going on new dates than your ex thought so he comes back to you because you’re familiar.

This is not going to create a foundation worth building on.

The Three Questions You Should Be Asking Yourself Before You Get Back With An Ex

Yesterday I was asked to do an interview for Vice.

It was a big deal for me since I don’t often get asked to do interviews. In fact, many times I notice that reporters avoid me like the plague.

Wanting to get an ex back is a taboo so why would they want to talk to someone who specializes in it?

But I have always recognized the “taboo” for what it is.

It’s nothing more than a double standard.

Think about it, society is all for saving marriages and yet they think that breakups with boyfriends and girlfriends happen for a reason.

Let’s explore that sentiment for a moment.

Is it ever a good idea to get back with your ex?

When I first started this website I wondered aloud what the legitimate reasons were and ultimately wrote what I consider now to be a very generic article.

In fact, now I’m so rabid about making sure that my articles are well researched and thoroughly thought out.

As I was planning for this article I ran into the exact same situation.

How do you know if it’s a good idea to get back together?

Certainly there are some situations where it’s not a good idea.

Well, before you attempt to get your ex back you should first know the risks and answer three simple questions,

  1. Are you getting back with an ex because you think they are your only option?
  1. Were you together long enough to create a lasting connection?
  1. Were you emotionally or physically abused?

Let’s get to the fun part and dissect these questions.

Question #1: Are You Only Getting Back Together Because They Are Your Only Option?

Too often I find clients wanting to get back together based on comfort.

You’ve heard of the grass is greener syndrome, right?

It’s basically when you go through a breakup or someone breaks up with you because they think they can do better.

Hence the name, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Except what I often find happens is that after dating someone for a long time you’re a bit rusty when you get back on the market.

Things aren’t as easy as you remembered.

The natural inclination is to devolve back into the pattern that you were used to.

It just so happens that, that pattern is your ex.

I’ve made it a point in this article to show you that a high percentage of couples who do succeed in getting their exes back break up again.

I don’t want to work with someone only to have them show up at my doorstep again complaining that their ex broke up with them for the third, fourth or fifth time.

It’s so important that your new relationship with your ex is built on a strong foundation.

And a strong foundation isn’t built on comfort.

So, if you can’t think of any other reason other than being with an ex is comfortable you have a massive problem and should not be getting back with your ex.

Don’t think that you’ll be the exception either.

Every time I write an article like this and talk about this very concept there’s always segment of the audience who thinks they are immune.

As if it doesn’t apply to them.

I’m going to make a bold statement now.

If you are getting back with your ex based on comfort I’ll probably see you again in a month or two.

Question #2: Were You Together Long Enough To Create A Lasting Connection?

It’s shocking that I even have to bring this up but I’ve been at this long enough to know that everyone thinks the rule doesn’t apply to them when it does.

How long you’ve been with someone IS a direct correlation to how much of a connection you’ve shared together.

Constantly I’ll work with women who think that their two week old relationship has the same rules as a two year one.

Generally speaking if you’ve been with an ex for a short amount of time and he broke up with you then you are a prime candidate for that on again off again relationship we are trying to avoid.

Of course, this brings up an interesting question.

What is considered a short amount of time?

Well, after some thought I determined that anything less than a month of being official should be considered “short.”

In other words, you can try to get your ex back and you might even succeed but you are at a high risk of not having things work out again long term.

You’d think it would be the opposite.

That not being together for very long is a sign that the two of you haven’t experienced many things together.

Therefore you have more opportunities to re-attract them.

However, I find the opposite is true.

Usually when you aren’t together long enough and your ex has broken up with you it’s because they determined very early on that they didn’t want to be with you.

It wasn’t that hard of a decision to break up.

Compare that to a situation where you’ve invested years into a relationship.

That is a much more difficult situation to end.

Question #3: Were You Emotionally Or Physically Abused?

One of the best documentaries I’ve seen is called “Minding The Gap.”

I’m always on the lookout for new things to watch or read. I find it’s incredibly difficult to find quality things.

I’m always on aggregate review websites like Rotten Tomatoes or MetaCritic. Anyways, I keep seeing this documentary called “Minding The Gap” pop up constantly.

One look at the preview and I’m not into it at all.

I don’t like skateboarding and upon viewing the preview it just looks like a typical skateboarding documentary.

Often I thought to myself,

How the hell did this get such a high rating?

And yet, somehow I decided to give it a chance.

For me it was revolutionary and really reshaped the way I viewed domestic abuse. I don’t want to spoil anything in case you’re interested in watching it but the documentary isn’t about skateboarding at all.

It’s about the impact domestic violence has on children.

If you’re trying to get an ex back and you’ve been physically and emotionally abused stop.

DO NOT PUT YOURSELF BACK IN THAT SITUATION.

That’s what most people advise and it’s what I’ve always advised.

What I failed to see though was how people could get sucked back in those situations.

I always found it odd that women would be so drawn to men that hit them. To me it seems like a no brainer.

Someone abuses you either physically or mentally get the hell out of the situation.

But it isn’t always that easy, right?

That’s what Minding The Gap showed me.

For the first time I got to look at the perspective from multiple different angles.

My sentiment didn’t change.

I never think you should stay with someone who abuses you much less try to get them back.

What I will say is that I understand why people will go back into those situations. This was great for me to understand because it made me rethink the way I was advising women.

Instead of saying,

“Hey, stay away from that guy.”

And then leaving them on their own I realize that much more needs to be done.

You need to talk to someone.

You need to get professional help and talk to someone who understand exactly what you’re going through.

I’d recommend talking to someone here.

Oh, and to reiterate this for the third time.

Do not ever get back into a relationship where someone physically abuses you or emotionally gaslights you.

It’s not worth it.

2 thoughts on “Does Getting Back With An Ex Ever Work?”

  1. Avatar

    Yolanda

    November 24, 2019 at 2:56 pm

    Hey Chris,
    I’m kinda in disbelief that I’m even posting this here, but here goes: I’m a 21 year-old girl, got dumped by my ex-boyfriend about a month ago. We were together for 9 months, and we were both each other’s second real relationship. The thing is, I’m supposed to go abroad by the end of this year for graduate school (9 months to 1 year). We both knew this from the start. Anyway, he broke up with me in October because he said he was uncomfortable with knowing there was a “deadline” on our relationship, and he’s not willing to try LDR (even though I’ve been in a LDR before and made it work).
    Even though we’d talked about this before, I still felt blindsided by the breakup. He was always incredibly affectionate, supportive, and thoughtful, and all of our friends kept saying we were so cute together. I loved him deeply (still do), and I was convinced he felt the same way. Then one day he shows up on my doorstep with a bag full of my stuff, saying that we should break up. I was heartbroken; asked him to come by two days later to pick up his stuff and talk things through. We had a long thought where I said everything I had to say (about not understanding his decision, thinking it was a mistake and that we had a future together, etc). He listened and was very patient, but didn’t change his mind (naturally).
    To answer the question I know you’re gonna ask: I did NC, currently on day 27. In fact, I even left the country right after the breakup to be with my family. I’m not sure I did the UG thing right as it’s been very hard not to think about him and read all your articles obsessively (I have obsessive-compulsive disorder), but I’ve been getting back into my workout routine, spending time with my family, applying to jobs (just got a really cool freelance writing gig), and reconnecting with old high friends… most of them are guys, and I’ve posted about it on FB.
    I’m honestly not sure about what I should do. I love him and I know I’m not ready to erase him out of my life; I hope he isn’t either. I really, really want him to realize he made an impulsive decision and change his mind, especially since it happened during a stressful time for him (his suicidal best friend and roommate went AWOL for a while). My hopes aren’t high though, because I know he’s a very stubborn guy who doesn’t open up to a lot of people, so he probably hasn’t discussed his reasons for breaking up with ANYONE else.
    I’ve sought a lot of support from my friends and family: they all think it sounds like he’s insecure, a bit immature about relationships, and most of all, afraid of getting hurt. They think he was so worried about me leaving him for Oxford that he prefers pushing me away now to protect himself — and honestly, that sounds like a very real possibility to me too.
    If there’s even a chance of getting him back, I think I have to take it; I know I’m practically still a baby at 21, but I’ve never felt like this before about anyone else and I honestly think we had something really special together. I don’t necessarily think he’s “The One” because I don’t believe in that, and I feel it’s way too early for me to think about “settling down.” But I do believe we could’ve had a much longer, more meaningful, and healthy relationship — and I think that would’ve been worth fighting for even if we weren’t “end goals” (whatever that means).
    However, I’m also worried because as you say it yourself, there’s definitely no 100% guarantee of success. In case nothing I do works, I’m scared of staying in denial (y’know, first stage of grief processing) and just delaying this painful process for myself. It doesn’t help that now I’m left questioning every single moment I spent with him — if he was sincere when he told me I was his favourite person, when he couldn’t stop cuddling up to me, etc.
    Sorry if I’m sounding too emotional: I don’t mean to dump all my troubles on you (hell, I don’t even know if I trust you), but I’m really scared to go to my friends and family for advice since I know what they’ll tell me.
    Best,
    Yolanda

    PS: in one of your articles, you mention that you hate the saying “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Can I ask what you dislike about it, because it sounds kinda similar to your “moving on without moving on process”?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Hi Yolanda, so the moving on with out moving on is almost the same general idea yes. You focus on being happy in your life and not focus on your ex or how to meet someone else either. That is how you do the MOWMO this is something we suggest for people who are in a blocked situation and cant reach out to their ex. But first of start with a No Contact and stick with it, then reach out to your ex as a friend and see how you feel by theend of the 30 days and how he responds to a friendly text. Do not be emotional or talk about the break up or the relationship etc. Just try to be friendly and keep it a short conversation to see what sort of responsive he gives you

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