What’s up and welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Before I start getting into the build up of this episode I just wanted to take a minute and thank you for being the most incredible fans in the world.
For all of you who have commented, emailed, read and bought my products.
I really appreciate you.
Sometimes I get so into what I am doing that I take what I have for granted and I can honestly say that the only reason Ex Boyfriend Recovery is what it is today is because of you.
Yup, without YOU this website wouldn’t exist so thank you for all of your positive feedback over the last several years.
Anyways, lets get down to business here.
Today we are going to hear from Lisa.
Lisa has a very interesting question but before I get into that here is a quick rundown of her situation,
- She is currently in a relationship with her boyfriend (who she named as A)
- She has been dating A for 5 years
- Recently her ex (who she named as T) has gotten into contact with her and has been begging for her back
- He is saying things like they are soul mates and that the universe wants them to be together.
- Here’s the kicker, Lisa had only dated T for a week
- So, she wonders why he is so persistent about getting her back when they essentially have no history together
- She also wonders if he is just crazy or if he is lonely due to the fact that T just got out of a relationship and is hurting
Here’s a quick rundown of what is talked about in this episode,
What I Talk About In This Episode
- The importance of her ex (T) recently going through a breakup
- Whether or not Lisa should leave her current boyfriend to be with (T)
- What she should say to her current boyfriend (A) about (T)
- Whether Lisa would be a rebound if she got back with (T)
- The Grass is Greener Syndrome
- Why I believe (T) is being so persistent
- Whether (T) is just flat out crazy or acting crazy based on his loneliness
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- The Grass is Greener Syndrome Article
- Leaving a review on my iTunes Page
- Rebound Relationship Podcast Episode
Is Lisa’s Ex Boyfriend Crazy or Lonely?
Based on everything that Lisa said in her voice mail recording I am not sure I buy into the fact that her ex boyfriend is completely crazy.
However, I am not sure I buy into the fact that he is completely lonely either.
Yes, there is evidence that shows that he is both crazy and lonely but I think the reaction he is having is based on something entirely different.
Oh, and in case you don’t know what I mean by “reaction” I am talking about him telling Lisa that they are meant to be together. You know, the whole soul mates and universe spiel.
So, what’s going on in his mind to make him act like this?
Well, your going to have to listen to the whole episode to find out 😉 .
Welcome to Episode 37 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited for the episode today. It seems like I say that a lot, but I really am excited to be recording these podcasts. I have a quick update. I know I’ve been talking a lot lately about this coaching idea. We’re definitely going forward with that.
My wife and I have talked. We decided that we will be doing the coaching. There will be a beta test at the beginning that will require only a month of my time. This will be to get a gauge on what it’s going to be like and what kind of time commitment it will be for me. There will only be 10 spots available for the coaching.
I’m hoping to have the coaching up and running by next month, in July. Hopefully we’ll run through all of July and into August. I cannot guarantee anything right now because I don’t know how long it will take to get everything processed the way I want to get it processed. For example, right now I’m working on the sales page for the coaching.
Sometimes I go a little bit overboard with the sales pages or articles in general for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Sometimes I write an article and I think, “I want this article to be around 4,000 words,” but when it’s all said and done, it ends up being closer to 7,000. I get off on a tangent. I’m going to try to have everything up and running for July.
I’m going to create some sort of waiting list for those of you who are interested in getting in on the beta test of the coaching. Again, there will only be 10 spots. They will probably go very quickly. The 10 people who do sign up for the coaching will get access to me, my wife and game plans. We’re going to have a good time and help those of you who need help.
Let’s get down to business. Today we’re going to hear from a woman named Lisa. Lisa has a bit of an interesting question. Lately I’ve been doing these podcast episodes once a week. That’s a perfect time commitment for me. I can do once a week pretty easily and get a lot of the other stuff done that I want to complete. I’m trying to make these podcast episodes a little bit longer than normal.
I’m shooting for about half an hour. I’m a little hesitant to go with an hour-long episode, only because I think people get more out of bite-sized episodes. I think 40 minutes to 60 minutes is a pretty strong time commitment. Whereas, I think a 20 to 30 minute episode is more bite sized and helpful for those of you interested in the topics that I’m covering. Lately I’m trying to cover topics in this podcast episodes that interest not only me but that will interest you and help you.
I have a few really cool ideas coming up that I can’t wait to implement. I’ll just give you a little tease. I’m going to be hiring someone to write a transcript for these episodes. For those of you who don’t feel you get a lot out of the audio version of the podcast, there is going to be a written version as well. You can follow along with what I’m saying.
Let’s hear from Lisa with today’s question. Lisa, I thought your question was really interesting, and something I wanted to cover here, so congrats for being chosen. Let’s have a great episode:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Lisa. I’m currently in a relationship. I’ve been with this guy for five years. We’ll call him A. My ex-boyfriend, we’ll call him T, recently found me. I’ve heard for a couple of months that he’s been asking about me through a mutual friend of ours. I guess he finally got my number. I have no social media. He called me.
He says that the universe wants us to be together and I’m his soulmate. I don’t take him too seriously because he recently got out of a relationship. I’m still in a relationship. When we did date, it was only for a week. I know he wanted to get back with me when we broke up. I do not understand why he is so persistent and why he wants to rekindle something. We don’t have a past together. I want to know if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely. Thank you.”
That’s a great question, Lisa. Is he crazy or lonely? It’s not often that a person who leaves a voice message for me for the podcast doesn’t have a question about getting their ex back. Your question is more about understanding your ex’s motivation for why he’s acting the way he’s acting. Kudos to you.
It seems like you’re happy in your relationship with A. It seems like you’ve been dating A for five years, which is a very long time. Kudos on making that relationship last as long as it has. I’m wishing you and A the best going forward. Hopefully we can give you some insight into your ex-boyfriend, T as you called him.
First, I want to apologize to the listeners. I noticed that Lisa’s audio had some sort of weird smoke alarm beep in the background. I apologize if that hurt your ears or annoyed you. I wasn’t able to edit it out like I was hoping I would when I first heard her question. Her question was so intellectually challenging to me that I really wanted to feature it here. I was willing to overlook the beep.
For those of you listening, we’re going to do a recap of Lisa’s situation. Then I’m going to give you and Lisa some insight into why her ex-boyfriend is acting the way he’s acting.
She dated a guy and broke up with him. That guy is her ex-boyfriend, who she called T. Currently, Lisa is in a relationship with a man named A. She’s been dating him for five years, which is a long time. While she’s been in this relationship with A, recently T, her ex-boyfriend, has messaged her. He told her that they’re soulmates, that the universe wants them to be together and all the corny stuff that romance movies talk about.
T seems to be using all the lines to try to get her to leave her current boyfriend and go out with him. But it doesn’t seem like Lisa is taking T too seriously based on the fact that her and T only dated for a week, which is interesting. Lisa is wondering why he is so persistent when they have no past. A week isn’t a lot of time in a relationship. She’s wondering if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely.
From what I understand of your situation, Lisa, I find it fascinating that T, your ex-boyfriend who you dated before A, is coming back almost five years later. Maybe it’s even longer, depending on how long you dated him and got together with your new boyfriend. It could even be longer than five years that he’s come out of the blue, acting like this.
I don’t know if the two of you stayed in touch or were on friendly terms. If you were on friendly terms throughout the relationship with A, where you were commonly talking to your ex-boyfriend T, you have him in the friend zone and rely on him for emotional things or gave him an inclination that the two of you were together, then I could understand his actions a little bit more.
But from the information you gave me, it doesn’t seem like that’s happened. It seems like he has come out of the blue here. He’s messaging you and essentially telling you to leave your boyfriend and go with him because the universe wants you to be together and you’re soulmates.
Like I said, if you had been in constant contact with T throughout the relationship with A, you’ve seen T in person, you’re strictly friends and nothing else and you’ve never flirted with him, I could see how he would think that the universe would want you to be together.
First, let’s talk about T in general. What we have here is an ex-boyfriend who wants you back. For a lot of the women who listen to this podcast, they’re trying to get in your position. They’re trying to get in a position where their ex-boyfriends are actively chasing after them and making the speech that T is making to you.
Right now, you’re in an amazing place. It doesn’t seem like you want your ex back. It seems like you’re just trying to understand his motivation. I do feel the need to warn you that, if you don’t nip this in the bud, it can become a problem, especially with your current relationship.
I don’t know the state of your current relationship. Perhaps it’s as good as ever and you’re happy. Maybe you’re not thinking of leaving A. I will say that men in general are territorial. We will get jealous of exes. I would certainly get jealous of my wife’s exes if they came back into the picture and were doing what T is doing. If they said, “Be with me. The universe wants us together,” I would be pretty furious.
Make sure you find a really soft way of breaking the news to your boyfriend that this happened. If you don’t tell your current boyfriend, A, that your ex-boyfriend has been contacting you and this is what he said, it could backfire. What’s worse, him hearing it from you when it happens or him hearing it a month down the road and knowing that you hid it from him?
If you hide it from him and he does find out, he’s going to think that you’re hiding more things. He may potentially think that you’re cheating on him, when you’re clearly not. You’re just trying to understand your ex’s actions. That’s my warning about talking to your current boyfriend about the situation. The last thing you want to do is leave him out to dry.
It seems like your ex-boyfriend, T, just went through a breakup. It is logical that he is looking for comfort. They often compare breakups to some of the worst things imaginable. As gloomy as this sounds, some people go as far as taking their own lives over breakups. That is bizarre to me. Again, no man is ever worth your life. Breakups hurt people a lot.
Women are kind of better at talking about these breakups and their feelings with their friends. They network with their friends a lot better than men do. I’ve always had this theory that men are much more physical than women. Women are better at fitting in social situations than men.
This is the best way that I can explain this. I currently own two websites in the relationship niche. There is the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website, which this podcast is attached to. I also have another “brother” website to Ex-Boyfriend Recovery called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery. I know this may get a little too technical for some of you listening. Bear with me here. I promise there is a point to this.
When I was doing research for coming up with the idea of what I was going to invest my time into, I was always interested in the idea of relationships, but I didn’t know what area of relationships to go into and become an expert at. I did my research and determined that helping women repair their relationships with their exes is what I wanted to do. So then I created a website on that.
But then I started getting the idea, “I wonder how many men are searching online for advice on how to get their ex-girlfriends back.” I looked at this tool. It’s created by Google. It shows you how many people are typing in a given phrase. I typed in the word “ex-boyfriend” and it came up with about 20,000 searches a month. That means, according to Google, that 20,000 people go to their computers each month and search for the phrase “ex-boyfriend.” That is probably not accurate. It probably gets more like 250,000 searches.
Here’s the point. When I went into the tool and searched “ex-girlfriend” for men, it had substantially more searches than the women. I got to thinking, “Why is this?” I think I figured out the answer. I think it’s because men don’t like to talk about their pain. They don’t like to admit weakness to other men.
The way our species has evolved, it’s survival of the fittest. A man will make fun of another man for complaining or crying about a breakup. What do they do? They go online where they can search things in secret, where they don’t have to feel like an outsider amongst their own group of friends.
Women, on the other hand, are better at talking things out. This relates to you, Lisa, in the fact that T probably doesn’t have an outlet where he feels comfortable expressing himself after his breakup with his current girlfriend. As a result, he’s bottling up his extra emotions inside. He just went through a breakup. He’s even more likely to look for comfort because he’s not able to process or deal with the emotions that need to be dealt with after a breakup.
Let’s move on here. I want to give you a warning. If you do end up leaving your boyfriend, A, which I’m not recommending but you did post on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery site that deals with helping exes get back together. If you were to go out with T, your ex-boyfriend, you would be a rebound. He just got through a breakup.
You would be a rebound. Rebound relationships don’t stand the test of time. Some of them do. The last time that I wrote about rebound relationships was for Ex-Girlfriend Recovery a few months ago. I found some research that said that rebound relationships can be quite healthy for people.
But I don’t think that they stand the test of time. It’s not going to be the same as a normal relationship where the person is ready to get into a long-term relationship. It seems like T, your ex-boyfriend, is not ready to get into a long-term relationship.
Here’s the point. You’re wondering if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely. Why is he so persistent at trying to get you to go out with him? I think it has to do with the grass is greener syndrome. For those of you who aren’t familiar, I’ve talked a lot about this on the podcast. I may have even created a podcast about it. I will link to the grass is greener syndrome article in the show notes.
I’m going to give you a quick crash course on the grass is greener syndrome. This says that the grass is greener on the other side. Let’s pretend that you and I are dating. Towards the end of our relationship, I look at you and think to myself, “I could do better.” I break up with you and I start looking around for a woman who is better than you.
In my mind, you’ve created a bar that you set yourself on. It’s a scale of one to ten. Let’s pretend that my experience in the relationship with you was an eight, but I felt I could get something better, like a nine or ten. Then I date a new girl, who rates as a nine for me. I’m going to think to myself, “I’m so glad I left that relationship. I found someone better.”
This works both ways. Let’s say that my experience in the relationship with you was an eight. I went out with someone new, who was a six. All of a sudden I think, “I made a big mistake.” The grass was not greener on the other side.
Here’s what I think happened. This is going to get complicated. I’m going to do my best to explain it. It does tie in directly to the grass is greener syndrome. You only dated your ex-boyfriend, T, for a week. That’s not a long time. What I think happened is, in that week, he had an amazing time with you.
I’m assuming that you broke up with him. I’m making assumptions here that may not be true. If what I’m saying here is not true, leave a comment in the comments section of this episode. I will be glad to give you my thoughts after I get more of the facts. For now, I’m going to operate under the assumption that you broke up with T after a week. You weren’t feeling it.
We need to look at how he feels. Let’s pretend that, in that week, T had the best time of his life. He’s never experienced a week like that with a woman since. He’s constantly looking for it. Even though it was only a week, the bar with you was a ten. Remember, the honeymoon period is a real thing. The honeymoon period states that, when you go out with someone, the beginning is going to be flowers, happiness and Disney.
It’s going to be great. But eventually, it levels out to a normal level. The honeymoon period is in play here, especially if you only dated him for a week. I’m assuming that he’s going to prioritize his week with you as the best it’s ever been. It was a true ten on the grass is greener scale. When we was looking for a woman after you, he’s always comparing that woman to the high standard that you set during that week of a ten. He’s not been able to find it because, what I didn’t tell you about the scale is that it’s a sliding and moving scale.
Let’s pretend that you and I are dating. I break up with you because I think that I could do better. Let’s pretend that my experience in the relationship with you is an eight. In my mind, when I look back at our relationship, I think, “That was an eight out of ten. That was good but not the greatest it could have been.” I think I could do better. I start dating a new girl.
At the beginning of the relationship, I’m high on the honeymoon period. I’m rating my relationship with the new girl as a ten. Let’s say, four or five years down the road, that ten has slipped to a six. Things were so great at the beginning, but I’m comparing them to the scale of when I left my relationship with you, which was an eight.
The scale with the new girl started off as a ten. As our relationship grew deeper and things went on longer, even though the new girl was a ten, it eventually slid down to a six. Since I ended my relationship with you at an eight, I’m always comparing everyone’s number to that relationship until someone can beat it consistently or state at a level above an eight. Since this girl is a six, it’s no good.
What I think happened with you, Lisa, is that your ex-boyfriend has you at a ten. He can’t find anyone who beats you. He’s not smart enough to realize that he was in the midst of a honeymoon period when he dated you. You really have no past.
When you say that you have no past, you really don’t. You only dated for a week. A week is not long enough for the honeymoon period to go away. Sometimes it can take years for the honeymoon period to settle down to where it’s at a normal level. Maybe the honeymoon period is a ten but it drops you down to an eight normally.
That’s a great way to set the bar, but he’s not smart enough to realize that he was experiencing the honeymoon period when he was with you. No one is going to beat that level if he’s with them long enough. Since he’s coming off a breakup, he’s even more susceptible to trying to rekindle the relationship. In his mind, if he gets you back, you’re going to make him happier than anyone will.
But you won’t because, eventually, the honeymoon period will wear off for him. Again, that’s why I’m not recommending that you get him back, especially since you were with him for a week. I’m assuming that you broke up with him, probably because you were not feeling things with him. That’s what I think is going on.
When you ask why he’s so persistent, I think it has to do with the bar theory that I just explained. You set the bar so high for him in that one week that he wants it back. He’s so persistent at getting you back.
Is he crazy or lonely? I do think he’s a little bit lonely. I don’t think he’s crazy. I think he’s motivated by finding someone that’s going to make him happy. He thinks that you’re the only one who can make him as happy as he can possibly be. I do think there is merit in the argument that he is lonely because he just went through a breakup. You would be a rebound, which would probably cause your bar to lower for him.
Those are my thoughts on your ex-boyfriend and why he’s acting the way he’s acting, by talking to you and saying that the universe wants you to be together, and that you’re soulmates, even though you were only together for a week. Again, I would love to have more information about this situation. It’s interesting to me. I would love to know if you kept in contact with your ex-boyfriend while you were dating A, your current boyfriend.
That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery podcast. I want to give you the bite-sized episodes that you’re hoping for, provide a lot of value and give you some insight into how men think. I know this wasn’t as action-packed an episode as I was hoping it would be. But I have some really interesting ideas for the podcasts coming up.
I am committed to continuing recording these podcasts. I really want the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast to be a success. I know I haven’t asked in a while, but it would tremendously help me out if you could go to iTunes and leave an honest review for me. I don’t care if it’s bad. Just leave an honest review of what you think of this podcast. Every little bit helps.
How many reviews I get is a function of how high in the rankings you get for the podcasts. This podcast can only be successful as long as it stays high in the rankings. Right now, we’re not doing as well as I was hoping. If you could, it would help me out tremendously if you hopped over to iTunes and left an honest review. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode.
That’s going to do it for today’s episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment on the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode37. Thanks for listening. It’s been a pleasure having you. Thanks for being a fan.