By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 2nd, 2021

If you’re reading this article, you probably know who I am and what I do – i.e., I help people get back together with their exes. So, I’m going to guess that you’re at a point where you’ve tried everything at your disposal to get your ex back, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Perhaps that means it’s time to give up and finally move on.

But how do you ever REALLY know if you should give up on trying to get your ex back?

Today, I’m going to set aside all the general ideas you see floating around the internet and give you hard SPECIFICS to help you know whether it’s time to stop putting in efforts to get back together with your ex.

I’m speaking with the experience of having seen HUNDREDS of people fail at getting their exes back, and I’ve pinpointed the specific patterns and situations that develop right before that happens.

Five patterns to be exact.

  1. Your Ex Has Not Responded Your Last Five Attempts To Start A Conversation
  2. They’ve Been With Someone New For Longer Than 8 Months
  3. You’ve Been On A Hard Block Longer Than 3 Months
  4. You Have Broken No Contact More Than 8 Times
  5. You Get Pity Responses In More Than 10 Conversations In A Row

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Pattern #1: Your ex has NOT responded to your last five attempts to start a conversation

My clients almost always struggle with two areas in the boyfriend recovery process:

  1. Staying in line with the no contact period
  2. Figuring out how to get an ex to respond to their text messages

After years of split-testing and experimentation, we have developed criteria to craft your first text message after a no contact rule. Most of the time, we get pretty positive responses when our clients follow these criteria.

But there’s always that one super stubborn guy who does not budge even after you reach out, wait a week, reach out again and on and on…

Well, when this happens for five consecutive weeks and you feel like you’re talking to a wall, it’s probably best to end the conversation and relationship.

Why keep reaching out trying to speak to someone who’s not even open to that conversation?

Now you may ask, why FIVE? Why is five the magic number to stop trying?

Well, we’ve found that if our clients use our specific first contact criteria, we tend to get responses pretty quickly right off the bat. But then there are always those stubborn stragglers who hold out.

So, five came out to be the average where reaching out more became pointless, and it was time to seek out greener pastures.

Pattern # 2: They’ve been with someone new for longer than 8 months

The BIGGEST fear people have when they’re trying to get their exes back is that their ex will meet someone better than them and live happily ever after.

However, here comes the dilemma of the rebound relationship. Has your ex actually moved on and found someone else, or is he just trying to make you jealous or get over you?

How can you know if your ex is in a rebound relationship?

Allow this video to explain;

There are two main characteristics to look out for to see if your ex is serious with his new partner or not:

1. How quickly did they move on from you?

Typically speaking, the faster they’re on to the next person, the more likely that it’s a rebound relationship.

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2. How long they’ve been with that person

Now, this is where it gets tricky because technically, your ex could be in a relationship for six months, and it could still be a “rebound” relationship.

This is why I find that 8 months is that sweet spot.

By the 8 month mark, it’s highly likely that the relationship has developed into something deeper even if it started as a rebound.

When you spend THAT much time with someone, you’ve shared a lot with them, and it’s only natural to form deeper connections from that point on.

So yeah, if your ex has been with someone for more than eight months, it’s time for you to move on.

Pattern # 3: You’ve been on a “hard block” for longer than 3 months

Not many people realize this, but there are two ways you could be blocked by your ex- the hard block and the soft block.

What’s the difference between a hard block and a soft block?

The Hard Block

Well, the hard block is exactly what it sounds like. It’s hard and foolproof, meaning there is NO way for you to reach out to your ex without running into that wall of being blocked. So, you’ve probably been blocked on their phone and every other social media imaginable.

The Soft Block

A soft block, on the other hand, is different. This involves blocking the main way you used to communicate but still keeping all or most other avenues of communication open. So, if you used to text a lot, your ex might have blocked you there, but you can still send them Instagram DMs.

Now that you know the difference between the two ask yourself if you have been hard blocked for more than three months. If yes, then it might be time to move on.

Why three months, though? Well, that seems to be the magic number as per most of our client’s experiences.

But there’s one thing you have to realize about human behavior when someone blocks you – there’s a ping pong effect.

When someone blocks you, they might end up getting envious or curious to know what’s happening in your life, so they end up unblocking you again to keep an eye on your social media updates.

But SOME stubborn men just skip this ping pong effect and stay on the hard block possibly forever. So, about three months of a NO ping pong hard block is when you should really close that chapter and move on.

Pattern #4:  You have broken the no contact rule more than 8 times.

80% of our clients who try the no contact rule end up breaking it, but what does that mean?

That means if you decided to do a 30 day no contact period with your ex, you could not make it that whole time without reaching out to your ex or responding to them when they reach out to you.

It’s REALLY important to get through the no contact rule unscathed because if you give in on day 14, for example, you will have to start all over again!

Here’s something people don’t fully realize – every time you redo a no contact period, it becomes less effective.

Think of it like watching a movie and how the first time is always when your emotions are the most heightened. But as you keep rewatching it, you can still experience the same feelings, but their intensity will be much lesser.

So, why am I saying that breaking the no contact 8 times means you should give up?

Well, we find that it’s pretty common for our clients to break it a couple of times and still see success at the end. Our most recent success story actually broke the rule three times and still ended up getting their ex back.

But there has to be a limit to everything…including the effectiveness of the no contact rule.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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That limit is 8. In fact, even getting to that 8 mark is extremely excessive, in my opinion, and the closer you get to 8, the higher chances of annoying your ex and pushing him away for good.

Situation #5: You get pity responses in more than 10 conversations in a row.

What exactly are pity responses?

I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where you’re talking to a man who you’re not really into, but you feel sorry for them, so you just keep the conversation going.

There are two defining characteristics of a pity response:

1. The depth of the response isn’t great.

This could happen when the conversation isn’t really interesting, or you’re just trying to end the conversation very quickly.

2. How long the words you’re using are.

For example, if you and your ex are talking and you’re putting a lot of thought into your messages but all you get back are one word responses like “thanks” or “yeah” or the worst of them all… “okay”. Something short and without any depth like that would definitely be your hint that they’re giving you pity responses and are not really into the conversation.

Your gut feeling plays a HUGE role in this because no one knows your ex like you do. Their short responses could signal shyness or fear instead of a lack of interest. That’s for you to judge.

But if you’re looking carefully and see these pity responses in ten straight conversations, it’s probably not the time to try to get your ex back yet.


Let’s do a quick recap of the 5 situations to look out for to tell when it’s time to give up trying to get your ex back:

  1. Your ex has not responded to your last five attempts to start a conversation
  2. They’ve been with someone new for longer than 8 months
  3. You’ve been on a “hard block” for longer than 3 months
  4. You have broken the no contact rule more than 8 times
  5. You get pity responses in more than 10 conversations in a row

Now that you know the 5 exact situations when it’s time to give up trying to get an ex back, I wish you the best of luck for your ex-boyfriend recovery process. But always remember, if any of these 5 things happen, he’s probably not interested anymore and it’s time to put yourself first!

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30 thoughts on “When To Give Up On Trying To Get An Ex Back”

  1. Kedar hede

    September 8, 2022 at 2:18 pm

    I have attached close to some girls and the end up telling my girlfriend about our talking and then she broke up with me and left was our more than …5…6 times breakup and it’s was last … I don’t know what should I do please give me some advice… I’m missing her tooo much

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 8, 2022 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Kedar, when you say you were attached close to some girls? Do you think you crossed a line of emotionally or mirco cheating? I think your on and off again relationship shows that you two are not working as a couple and it may possibly be time to move on with your life as you keep breaking up for a reason.

  2. Jay

    February 2, 2021 at 8:55 pm

    My ex had brought up marriage a lot over the last year and I always blew it off because they weren’t officially divorced. They brought up my online friendships with an ex that I had once considered to be the love of my life. Things happened in that relationship that I couldn’t talk about and left me feeling like I wasn’t allowed to delete them. They could delete me. Anyway. My ex took that all to mean that I wanted to be with that ex and I was just refusing to commit while holding out for something better ultimately making them feel unloved and every argument or complaint ended with the notion that I just wanted to be with someone else other than them. My ex left our home more than two months ago and moved right in with the next one. I just wanted time. Their friends would tell you that my ex just couldn’t be single. Now they’re dating a friend from their circle and I was always the outsider… the one that got away once. Now, I’m apparently the one that got in the way. I’m confused and devastated. I never wanted them to leave. I just wanted an actual break to process what we were both feeling so we could move on together.

  3. Rashford

    December 20, 2020 at 2:34 pm

    Pls I my gf broke up with me and for sometime I have been trying to get back with her she accepted to go out with me but at times she acts like she loves me by coming close and the next moment she doesn’t is there chance of getting her back

  4. Betsy

    September 8, 2020 at 12:45 am

    My ex bf broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. A few months ago he tried breaking up with me but I convinced him to keep trying. He claims it was because he lost feelings for me. During those few months he became very distant. We would still sleep together and spend time together since we lived together. After he broke up with me the first time, he said a lot of mean things. However, I know that he has recently started to struggle with Depression. He told me that he no longer has any hope for our relationship and he has been thinking about this for months. After the breakup from 3 weeks ago, (he broke up over the phone) he told me that he doesn’t want to see me and that he has not gained any of those lost feelings back. I tried to be mature about it and lied and said I agreed with the breakup and that maybe we can be friends in the future. I also suggested that we take this relationship as a learning lesson and try to be the best people we can. I also suggested that we give each other space and time to heal. However, I did not tell him that I honestly love him very much and was hoping that we could fix things. We were arguing a lot a few months before the breakup, we had decided to quarantine together. However I felt that we were not ready for such a huge step. He has moved back home. We have been dating for over a year and six months. Since we spoke about the breakup, I have not contacted him in any way. My birthday was recently and he did not reach out to even wish me a happy birthday. I am torn between moving on and trying to get him back because ultimately I want us to be happy. I truly want him back as we are each other’s first loves. However, I do realize that he made the decision to break up and only he can change his mind. Did I make the right call trying to act like I was okay with the break up? Should I contact this person?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 11, 2020 at 9:19 pm

      Hi Betsy, yes you did well to act like you were okay with the break up and showing you were doing well. You need to complete a full 30 days minimum of No Contact before reaching out to your ex, his friends and family.

  5. Abigail

    June 25, 2020 at 2:49 am

    I’ve only contacted my ex five times and possibly more. It’s already been a month since we’ve broken up. The main reason why we broke up is because I became insecure and continue to accuse him of cheating. Even though, there was no proof of it. I begged him to get back with me, the first day of breakup, he declined. I told him to not contact anymore to heal, this is before I discovered ExBoyfriend Recovery. He didn’t contact me up, I had to be the one to contact him. I’m always the one that has the reach out to him. Hell, he said I have to contact him first, because he’s so busy, like he forgets me. None of his friends like me, they usually say I’m toxic, he even agreed with them. I have a feeling his friends and family are telling I’m trying to get back with him! Though, I remember in our phone call that he still has my gifts to not forget the memories, but I’m not sure if he got rid of them yet. And he still replies to my text messages, but with short replies. I don’t know, but I’m losing hope. I think he has no interest in me anymore. I miss him so much, I don’t know what to do.

  6. ME

    May 19, 2020 at 12:03 pm

    Hi my ex broke up with me end of July 2019 we were together 4 years and one day out the blue he just said it. We came to decision to try a break but at the end of the break he still felt the same and said he wanted to remain friends. We continued to talk and occasionally saw each other because we have dogs. I did the whole begging, pleading and pushed him further away. I did no contact in January for just over the month. I reached out in feb as to catch up see the dog he agreed but he kept putting off. I ended up telling him how I really felt which I know now I shouldn’t have done he told me he’s moved on is seeing someone but still wants to remain friends. I got to heavy with texts Again and it make him feel uneasy so he blocked me. We have since spoken and cleared the air again him saying happy to be friends but I get dry responses or one word replies he said he will considering catching up he has also told me he is still seeing someone. But I have also herd from friends that they don’t think he is seeing anyone. Should I do no contact again. Any advice would be helpful please.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 9, 2020 at 11:38 pm

      Hey there so yes you need to re do the No Contact because of the emotional conversations, during this NC you need to work on your Holy Trinity and then read more articles about texting that Chris has here to help you compose a great hook text to keep him talking, you also need to avoid asking to meet up to see the dog too as he knows you want to get back together at the moment. There are also articles about the value ladder and value chain that should be helpful to you

  7. Sandra

    April 2, 2020 at 2:43 pm

    Hey, my name Is Sandra. I am 26 and my ex is 35. We were together for 2 months and everything was great. Our problem was with communication in text messages. We split up kind of mutually and then I regret it. I split with him because our friends kind of encourage me. He broke up with me by text message and because he said he has personal issues to fix and because of his work he has not time for me, and the classic it’s not you its me. Through our relationship we were talking everyday or calling. I didnt have a job and i was kind of clingy and needy with him everyday. Our mutual friends are in the gym that we met up. I did no contact for 1 month and after i texted him first with a simple hi, how are you due to coronovirus with a gif. He works as a policeman. I was initiating contact everyday and he was responding to me quicly, like when we were in a relationship. The conversation were short and we were talking about his job and my hobby. After that he did some jokes and we were sending some memes to eachother. Yesterday as we were texting he stopped responding and then ignored my messages. I don’t really know if he has someone new in his life because as a person he is really secretive. When we were together he said that before me he was playing with girls and his relationships usually lasted for 1-6 weeks. With me he was doing plans for the future and he was telling our friends that he was in love with me. 2 months have passed since our breakup and i still like him. I should give up or cut contact again? I have loose all my hopes. Please help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 10, 2020 at 12:22 am

      Hi Sandra, have you spent any time doing NC since your break up? If not then you need to do so now and work on your emotional control, you also need to learn not to let your friends make decisions for you in your life. I would then reach out to your ex and work up the value ladder again

  8. Jane Doe

    March 10, 2020 at 5:43 am

    I scored a 77/100 on the quiz.. but I’ve been in a Hard Block for 7 months.. I broke the no-contact rule over that long period (a couple of texts in the beginning, then I sent a sincere apology email months later, and recently an email expressing my remorse and that I missed him, wanting to know if he’d be open to talk.) No response to either and now he is dating a new person. Background: I broke up with my him (a 3-year, long distance, but super loving and fun relationship), and I made some mistakes toward the end that left my ex very angry (emotionally cheating)–He said some very hateful things about that. It’s been 7-8 months now of being ignored and blocked on social media. I was always the experienced partner in our relationship- and from that I truly believe its unlikely he will find a better match than we were..(and not to sound overly confident, but I know I am a really great person and hard to find kind of catch!) Nevertheless — with such a wall between us I feel unsure how to proceed. 🙁 I’ve been focusing on my own growth which has been really fun and positive, but I still miss him deeply.. Should I give up? I have no way of getting a dialog started right now. A relative of his told me it might be years because he is so stubborn.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 20, 2020 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Jane, so as you said you’ve been in a hard block for 7 months I would say that you start following the Moving on without moving on and read as much as you can about becoming Ungettable. If he is stubborn then you need to make it appear that you are moving on and speaking to his family about him is actually not going to help you. You need to give the impression that you are doing great without your ex

  9. Alexandra Calder

    March 3, 2020 at 3:03 am

    So I just bought my ex bf recovery pro and I’m on day one and ready to go. And because my ex and I share a living space (he is currently staying with friends but oftentimes come in to get clothing) we have had limited interactions. Today we were meant to discuss the logistics of moving out as we need to break out lease and contact our landlord. During the convo he made a few digs regarding things I was doing now that were great but it’s too little too late after 6 years. I didn’t even mention the things I was doing he had noticed them on his own but decided to call me out for them when I unwittingly pushed back on his blaming me for pushing him too far to end the relationship. We had only been having limited, yet calm interactions. Things took a turn tonight when I did push back as I said ultimately this was his decision and if he wanted to try he could. I am concerned he is just gone and I am fighting a losing battle. I understand I need to reset the no contact rule…at this point probably for longer than 30 days; however, some of the things he said have left me reeling. It’s been about 3 weeks and he essentially said at the end of our convo that he was going to walk out, put his headphones in and this interaction and I wouldn’t cross his mind for a second. He is genuinely just happy for the first time in a long time. I even said I felt like I made it worse because I shouldn’t have even tried to have a convo and he was like you can’t make it worse it means nothing to me. I am afraid that was a bit too damaging and I’m not sure how to bounce back from that or even claw my way anywhere really. I want to believe int his program and reset but is it too far gone?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 10:07 am

      Hi Alexandra I would not say its too far gone, but it is going to require you to have strong emotional control and make sure that you read the Pro fully so that you know what you need to do at every stage. Make sure that you understand too this process can take 3 months minimum if you follow it correctly. Where you work up the value chain, speaking with your ex about the living situation and shared commitments is allowed but you are not to get emotional or have arguments at all during that time always stay civil

  10. Worried

    February 23, 2020 at 2:26 pm

    My Ex and I were together for a year. We broke up 3 weeks ago. I started NC almost immediately (not after begging and pleading though) mistake #1. I backed completely off and could see he was always viewing messages. After 1 week NC he deleted me from facebook. It triggered my anxiety so Mistake #2 i broke no contact and texted, more than one message which got me absolutely no responses since he had my messages on ignore in FB messenger. We used messenger as primary form of communication. Rarely talked on the phone. After I went back into NC again. Its been a week. He has since deleted his facebook altogether and has removed me from FB messenger. Overall our relationship was very good. We never fought and I’m still reeling from the break up. I have not seen him in a month and he hasnt spoken a word to me in 3 weeks.

    I believe that he has an avoidant attatchment style. I have more of an anxious attatchment style. I have seen him cut close close people out of his life before and act totally fine. Usually he comes around after a while (with others). I’m just starting to lose hope. I’m working on myself but I’m almost convinced NC wont work on him. He was always very affectionate, I’ve met all his family who I’m still in contact with (no i dont discuss any matters with them concerning myself and him), i met all his friends and was always introduced as his gf even a week before the break up. I’m worried he wont miss me and I’ll just be another girl he dated at some point.

    Are my chances of NC decreased because of his attatchment and personality type? And because of basically no connection on social media? I set my profile to public so that it can be seen. I’ve posted as i normally would. I need direction for my situation and cant afford coaching right now.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      Hey there so with him being an avoidant attachment you are not likely to hear from him during your 30 day no contact, but it does not mean that you change the rules. Keep to the rules for yourself, work on your holy trinity and focus on becoming the best version of yourself, work on your first text like what Chris suggests to do in his articles and videos

  11. Victoria

    February 23, 2020 at 7:12 am

    My ex and i broke up in January after 4 months because he lied about previously being married and I reached out to his ex-wife for honesty. I did a month of no contact and texted him 2 days ago. His responses are cold and distant. And today he waited a full 24 hour period to respond and then back to one word responses and silence. Yesterday, when I reached out he did converse with me for about 10 minutes, asked after my son and I, but he definitely seemed disinterested. He said he forgives and forgets but the damage is still done. Not sure if I should try or if he even cares, because it doesn’t seem like it.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2020 at 10:47 pm

      Hi Victoria, the reason he is upset is that you have reached out to his ex, but I would be more worried why you are not upset that he felt the need to lie to you about being married. I would complete a No Contact and see how long it takes him to notice and reach out to you. Look up the Ungettable girl work so that you can show him how great you are without him

  12. Lucy

    February 17, 2020 at 1:31 pm

    Thanks for your reply Shaunna. Yeah, I will think about it and try to be brave enough to reach out. I appreciate your words, txs again!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 8:42 pm

      Anytime 🙂

  13. Lucy

    February 16, 2020 at 8:51 pm

    Txs Shaunna. It will be difficult for him to see if I’m doing good.. We have no friends in common. At this point I feel like I’m obsessing over this and wishing so hard for him to unblock me.. And as I have said before, I’m really scared, and coward, to write to him through another ‘channel’, I feel he hates me or doesn’t care about me and that’s why I’m still blocked. If I feel this way, what should I do?.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 10:28 am

      Hi Lucy, I have advised you to reach out, and if you cant do that to post to social media. So there is nothing else I can advise if you are not willing to do those things

  14. Lucy

    February 10, 2020 at 2:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I’m in situation nº 3. It has been 3 months being blocked and even though I tried to be brave enough to text him through the only “open” gate I have (LinkedIn).. I finally didn’t do it. Something tells me that it won’t be a good idea and that it will even hurt me more. Are all chances of being unblocked and getting to talk again lost?. Txs.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 11, 2020 at 11:22 pm

      Hey Lucy, so as long as you are working on yourself to be the best version of yourself, working towards that Ungettable Girl status. Then you are going to find that word is going to get back to your ex how amazing you are doing and likely that they will unblock you in time where they want to know what is going on with you

  15. Mary

    February 6, 2020 at 6:49 pm

    After no contact rule i asked my ex to go out for a beer and he agreed, after a beer we drove to quiet place and we was cuddling in the backseat of the car, when I try to kiss him after he was touching my cheek by his nose he said “no” because he “want to be consistent” but still cuddled me. When he take me to my house I said that I don’t know what I feel to him and I want to find out, he said that he feels same (he broke up because he said that he doesn’t love me and can’t see things in future). I said him that I’m actually meeting with someone and he looks rly sad with this info. Day after he text me like crazy and ask me to go with him to swimming pool and I agreed and he kissed me. After that he stoped texting, I called to him two days later and we talk like 40 minutes and after that I haven’t heard him (2 days). I don’t know what to think, I love him but now he doesn’t text me so I don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:48 pm

      Hi Mary, this is not what we do as a EBR process, after a No Contact you are supposed ot just text an ex and re build attraction. I suggest that you work on yourself in 30 days of no contact and then start the texting phase allowing your ex the chance to chase you. And make sure you are dating in the mean time too.

  16. Lana

    February 2, 2020 at 2:13 am

    What if he is with the other girl for more than eight months (2 years), but they are in the open relationship (we were exclusive)? They live in other countries, but he does not want to move to her. His friends do not believe in the strength of his feelings. However, they are together for a long time, and he posts photos of them being very happy together all the time. Is this a sign that he is not really into her?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 5, 2020 at 9:36 pm

      If they have had a two year long distance relationship, then their relationship is more than a rebound at this point. At this moment in time he is not willing to move near her, and it may be something they are discussing that you are not aware of. How long was your relationship? How long ago did you break up?

  17. Ruby

    January 30, 2020 at 9:58 pm

    My ex and I split 2 years ago. He has been seeing someone who was my close friend for a few months (roughly 5-7 months, can’t be sure). He and stayed close friends until about 9 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. To make it harder, all three of us work together. When he and I were together we were very independent and we both loved that. Even after 18 months together he didn’t book my birthday off for holidays. Today, he booked off two weeks for her birthday which isn’t for another 6 months. It hurts he is planning so far ahead with her when he didn’t with me. Before we stopped talking I always believed we would get back together. Sometimes it feels like it’s turning nasty but it may be because I’m hurting, I see things that aren’t there. All of my friends do not understand how I am still grieving this. I am sure I should just move on and get over it, but I have to see it every day at work. I cannot escape it.