Is your ex sending you mixed signals, and you’re utterly frustrated because you can’t figure out what he means?
Does he still have feelings for you?
Does he want to get back together?
Perhaps he is too scared to admit it.
So, today I’m going to take you through five signs that your ex is scared to get back together with you.
All of these signs are based on REAL life examples based on the several success stories from our ex boyfriend recovery program that I’ve been interviewing for the past few weeks.
Each of these success stories was in a position where they weren’t quite sure if their ex was scared to get back with them.
I only wanted to consider signs that an ex was scared to get back with you if they actually got back with their ex because that means there is still hope of breaking through your ex’s shell.
These signs are based on an ex’s inability to properly communicate or act a certain way.
Sign #1: They Are Responsive In Conversations But Won’t Reach Out
I can fill an entire website with questions of men and women asking me,
“Hey, why do I have to start all the conversations with my ex? How can I get them to reach out first?”
Today I’m not going to talk about how you can make your ex start a conversation because I want to help you understand why they may not be starting a conversation with you and how that shows they may be scared to get back together with you.
Think of having conversations with your ex like a game of chess where each chess move has consequences on the overall game.
Interestingly, these chess pieces contain your emotions.
So, it’s a little bit of a risk for your ex to make a move because if it doesn’t work out the way he wants, all of a sudden, his emotions or ego gets bruised, and he doesn’t like that.
He’s simply too afraid of making the wrong move, so he lets you lead the conversation.
Often times your ex is scared that you might not even respond to his text message, so he wants to make sure you make the first move.
When you make the first move, you put yourself at that risk of not getting a response, and that creates an expectation for him that you must be interested. That prompts him to respond because he can now play it safe, knowing that you reached out first.
After all, you actually wanted to talk to him.
Now what people tend to forget here is that eventually, if this behavior persists, you get into this pattern where your ex starts to expect you to reach out first. That pattern bothers most people, and that leads us back to the question of how you can get the pattern to stop.
I think you’re asking the wrong question and coming from an incorrect understanding of how and why conversations work.
A lot of people obsess over getting their ex to reach out to them first so much that they miss out on the reasons for conversation in general.
It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation. What matters is that you have an engaging and intriguing conversation, and you end the conversation on a high point.
This will leave your ex feeling positive throughout the conversation and then wanting more towards the end.
Sign #2: Your Ex Blocks You And Then Unblocks You
There are many different reasons why an ex would block you.
Often times the most convenient one being that you’re annoying them, or they don’t want to see your face because it brings up too many raw emotions.
But today we’re not talking about you getting blocked.
I already have several resources (articles, videos, and podcasts) that talk about the reasons for getting blocked and how to navigate that situation.
Today I’m talking about is the concept of pogo-sticking.
That may be a weird analogy, but think of it like this- if your ex blocks you and then unblocks you only to repeat that cycle, it’s an indication that they are definitely interested in what you’re doing, but they’re hesitant to start conversations with you.
Typically, they block you on social media, so they don’t have to see you, but as days go by, they start getting curious, wondering what you’re up to. So, they have to unblock you really quickly to see, and when they’re satisfied, they block you again.
This cycle just keeps repeating up and down like a pogo stick.
This constant blocking/unblocking is an incredibly immature response, but it’s a great indication of their mindset as they’re going through the breakup. They’re scared of getting involved with you again because it hurts, and they don’t want to feel that raw emotion again, but they still want to be in your life.
Before you say that they’re the ones who broke up with you so they shouldn’t have these emotions, according to success stories and research based on our private Facebook support group, many exes will paint themselves as victims even if they broke up with you.
Now I don’t expect you to understand every aspect of their mentality but think of it like this – if they broke up with you, they’d paint themselves as a victim by telling themselves (and maybe even others) that YOU forced them to break up with you.
I know it sounds weird, but it is what it is, and that’s what they think when they block and unblock you as well. It,s also an indication that they’re scared to be mature enough about the situation to have a conversation with you.
Sign #3: You Have Great Conversations And Then All Of A Sudden They Stop
Here’s how this goes:
You and your ex are going through the breakup. You hear about the program, and you go through all the motions, such as the no contact rule, to get to the point where you are having great back-and-forth conversations over the phone.
In fact, the conversations are moving so well and fast that you’re thinking to yourself, “Is this too good to be true?”.
The next day, your ex proves your doubts and stops replying to you.
Out of the blue he just decides he’s not going to talk to you anymore or better yet when you reach out to him, he responds with not very engaged messages or even phone calls.
So why is your ex doing this?
Well, there are a lot of different reasons why an ex could suddenly stop responding or being engaged in your conversations:
Potential Reason #1: Failing to create open-ended questions.
There was a recent comment in our private Facebook support group where a woman complained about her ex not responding to her messages, despite doing everything by the book.
I had to point out that she didn’t leave an open-ended question, so there wasn’t really something for her ex to dive in to and respond.
After all, you have to give your ex some reason to respond.
Potential Reason #2: Going too fast, too soon.
If the conversation is going too fast and your ex is close to the point of making a commitment to you, that big life change scares them, so they decide to abode or run from the situation.
This is a great indicator that they’re scared to get back together with you, and they can’t face you right now.
You’re probably wondering – what can I do to make them feel good again?
You just have to pull back a little bit and then re-engage and not put pressure on them.
Let them come to their own conclusion at their own time.
If they got to the point of commitment once, they can do it again!
Sign #4: He Mentions He’s Never Had A Connection Like Yours But Refuses To Commit
So, this is something that we see a lot in our success stories.
Here’s how it usually goes – everything is going perfectly, you’ve basically got your ex back, but you don’t have the official “girlfriend” title yet.
You’re just a friend that he does all the cool girlfriend stuff with.
He’s not pushing for the title at all, and you’re scared that if you push, he’ll just leave, and you’ll lose everything you worked for. He constantly says things like he loves you, but that girlfriend title still eludes you.
What’s actually going on here?
He is scared of overstepping your boundaries.
Sometimes when men do this, they’re looking at you to pull them up.
They’re throwing the rope down for you, but they need you to at least grab on before they can pull you up.
Basically, they need confirmation for the next step.
Often times I’ve told my success stories before they got the title that they’re eventually going to have to have a conversation where they have to say the three magical words… “what are we?”
Usually, if you’re at the point where you’re basically girlfriend-boyfriend but he’s scared to have that elusive talk, it’s a good indicator that he’s scared of being rejected.
If that’s the case, all you have to do is pick a romantic environment and focus on how you’re going to ask the following question: “we’ve been dating for a long time, but where is this going?”
Something along that line of “what are we” should work, but the key is to ask them during a romantic moment, so they’re more likely to have a positive response to you.
Another under-utilized aspect of this “defining the relationship” talk is the 7%/38%/55% rule.
This rule details the relative persuasive powers of three key elements of how people receive and respond to messages:
- 7% the words we used
- 38% the tone of our voice
- 55% the body language we use when we’re speaking
This shows us how little impact words actually have and that our overall demeanor is MUCH more important when having important conversations.
This is why you should always have the “what are we” conversation in person with your ex so you can have a calm and loving tone as well as the opportunity to hold your ex, especially if his love language is touch. That helps drive the message home and will help lower his insecurities, leaving him more open to receiving what you’re offering. i.e., a change to be boyfriend and girlfriend again.
Sign #5: They Start Dating Someone New But Can’t Stop Talking To You
I found a quote in a psychology today article talking about rebound relationships, which essentially said that:
If your ex moves on to a rebound relationship but continues to talk to you, especially about more emotional topics, it’s a good indicator that they’re not satisfied with their current relationship.
Tell me if this sounds familiar: you and your ex are dating. You go through a breakup, and he moves on to someone new. But he keeps talking to you just as much as he did when you were dating even though he has someone new.
This is an indication that he’s using the new girl as a security blanket – someone to provide him with emotional support or emotional confidence because he’s scared of the “come to Jesus” moment that you may have had for him. Your ex is also scared that he’s the one who broke up with you, and he knows that you’re probably angry about that.
I recently interviewed a success story, and one interesting thing she mentioned is that her ex moved onto another woman and is now refusing to talk about that woman even though they’re back together. She’s also scared to bring it up herself, and she was of couple’s counseling to get a third-party mediator.
To me, this just sounds like he’s scared of her reaction because he knows he did something wrong. He’s not proud of his rebound relationship (probably because it didn’t mean much to him), so he doesn’t want to bring it up and possibly upset her.
So, if your ex has moved onto someone new but is still talking to you, it’s a good indicator that he’s using the other woman as a failsafe because he’s scared of getting back together with you.
Sometimes your ex might be showing signs that he’s scared to get back together with you, and if you can see those signs, you can address them too! Here are the top 5 signs:
- Your ex is responsive when you start a conversation, but he won’t start one himself
- Your ex keeps blocking and unblocking you
- Your ex abruptly stops replying in the middle of a great string of conversations
- Your ex insists that he’s never had a connection like yours but refuses to commit to you
- Your ex starts seeing someone new but still talks to you