We get asked about this quite a lot.
We hear from at least a few ladies every day saying,
“I used your system and it worked great. So much so, that we made out, but now I’m not sure what to do.”
Well, The Good News First
The good news is that your ex still finds you physically attractive.
And you got him to meet up with you in person!
That says a lot right there.
Most couples after a breakup, can’t even stand to be in the same room as each other, let alone make out.
But, here you are kissing him and stuff.
Go you! Kudos!
You’d be shocked how many women jump at the chance to play tonsil hockey with their exes.
Once you get through No Contact, Texting, and land that first face to face, it’s easy to get sucked back into the physical relationship. Giving into that temptation to jump straight to the kiss and makeup part is so alluring that going back to establish a good foundation for the relationship becomes a hurdle.
Assuming he kissed you back, it could be worse. I mean could have not. He could have run away screaming bloody murder.
What You Really Want to Know
What you are really wondering is how to proceed now that you’ve lip-locked with your ex-sweetie. Now that you’ve experienced a reaction, you are hoping that that means you’re done.
Who wouldn’t wonder that?
I mean as humans we are impatient. We want what we want and we want it now.
The bad part is that no, the kiss means only one thing. It’s just a guess, but I bet he wanted to kiss you when you two were together. Finding someone attractive doesn’t ever go away completely.
So, you guessed it, both the good and bad news is that he wants to kiss you. The bad news for you is also that there’s no shortcut to getting your ex back.
When you are hungry you go out and get some fast food. This satiates your hunger.
When your exboyfriend needed to feel wanted or doesn’t want to feel alone he reaches out to feel connected.
Keeping that in mind, you have to realize that a make-out sesh doesn’t a relationship make. It’s not a promise of one in the future.
When you were fourteen and you made out with someone, it generally led to you being emotionally invested.
I don’t presume to know your ex. But with most of the adults I know, making out with someone just means they’re attractive and up for a quick dose of Dopamine.
The trick to making this become something more is to make him desire more from you specifically. I mean, I’m guessing you don’t want him making out with you AND everyone else.
That’s why it’s important to go through ALL of the steps to succeed in presto chango-ing your exboyfriend into being your boyfriend again.
Let me put it this way. When I was little I loved to watch Buffy. Yeah I know, Chris isn’t the only Buffy fan. But I HATED waiting a whole week for the next episode to some out. Those cliff hangers fed into a desire to see things through to the end.
Or worse, when they would skip a week! It was torture.
Now, Netflix is my best friend and worst enemy.
Judging by the fact that marathoning no longer only applies to running really long distances for a T-Shirt and no good reason. (You know, like a bear, or a shoe sale) I’m going to guess that most of you have the same issue I do.
Too much of a good thing!
There are so many good shows out there and my wilpower isn’t enough not to sit down and watch all 6 seasons of lost in less than a week.
If you watched that show you know things got a little weird toward the end. Sometimes it was just down right hard to watch simply because it was hard to believe or follow what was going on.
But I couldn’t stop watching.
Do you want to know why?
They kept a little bit of mystery going on. Grant it, after they started with the magic nonsense, it just got a little hard to keep up. But the real reason I could stop is because I had invested time into getting to know the characters.
I cared whether they lived or died and what happened to them even though I know that they were 100% fictional.
Emotional investment is hard to force on someone, but investment in general isn’t.
Much like my need to finish things once I start them. You need to generate a need to keep up with you in your ex.
Did you ever watch that movie “Failure to Launch?”
If not, here’s the general premise.
Parent’s who have tired of their grown sons still living at home being couch potatoes hire a woman to make their sons fall in love with her. Basically, her goal is to motivate them to create a life for themselves.
In my opinion, the movie wasn’t one of my favorites, but it always interested me that she had this process of making the men do what she wanted.
Yes, it’s fiction, but she had a pretty good plan that she laid out for his parents like this.
“Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends – if he has any – uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.”
What does any of this have to do with you making out with your ex?
Well… why did you make out with him?
Because you want him back right? You wanted to remind him of the connection he had with you before.
3 of my best friends are guys. So, I get a lot of insight into why they do things. That’s part of why the “Failure to Launch” process kind of struck me as funny.
Most men don’t run around making out with people hoping to create a long lasting emotional bond. Those with low expectations just need the little self-esteem boost of knowing that you still want to make out with him. However, most men are just testing the waters to see if you’ll still sleep with them. Then, they don’t have to invest effort into a whole new relationship quite yet.
It’s sad I know. I hate to generalize men like that. because I know for a fact that every man doesn’t simply want to sleep with you. But the percentage is high enough that I feel like it’s a pretty safe bet that he wasn’t making out with you to reestablish some kind of deep bond.
It doesn’t mean you can’t create one, though.
“How do I do that?”
Well, I’m sure you know by now that men want what they can’t have.
Once you make it through the ExRecovery program and you are spending time together, ask him for help with something… anything. The goal here is to make him feel needed.
That was the general idea in Failure to Launch. Building self-esteem isn’t something we do easily on our own.
The problem here is accomplishing this without coming off as needy.
Ask him for his help. Let him help. Then thank him and go about life.
I’m hesitant to tell you to do this because the last time I told someone to ask her ex for help to become a source of self-esteem she went a little overboard.
Here I was suggesting she call him instead of me because she was distraught over this desk she bought that came with instructions that were written completely in Japanese.
She called him and, like the knight in shining armor that he was, he came and saved the day. He even brought real tools and everything.
They spent the whole time talking and laughing. He hugged her before he left.
That’s when everything went wrong. She started calling him to help her with everything!
Pickle Jar lids? Call Jared*.
Cat escaped and ran off into the night? Call Jared*.
Car won’t start? Call Jared*.
Can’t decide what movie to watch? Call Jared*.
As you can imagine, Jared* didn’t feel needed. He started to think that no one else cared. She became his “needy ex-girlfriend and he stopped answering when she called.
So, I can’t stress this enough. Ask for his help once, maybe twice, with things that it is possible that you actually couldn’t do on your own. He’ll see straight through a pickle jar situation.
Don’t try and skip to the end of the Ex Recovery Program either.
If you haven’t already, start with No Contact and at least get through a couple in person interactions before playing the Damsel in Distress card. Otherwise, it just looks like a maneuver, when you want it to seem completely innocent.
Basically, all you have to now is stay on track with wherever you are in the process.
I know. I know. Being patient is a lot more difficult than it sounds.
I’ve dealt with it myself.
According to a study done by Roy Baumeister. Willpower is a limited resource.
The study was an odd one involving a plate of cookies and a plate of radishes. Sounds really scientific I know.
But Dr. Baumeister brought the subjects into the room where the plates were. Some were asked to sample the cookies. Some were asked ot sample the radishes.
Now, I don’t know if your mom loves to bake like mine. But, I used to walk home from school and I could tell halfway down the road if mom was baking. The two smells that stood out above any other were Chocolate Chip Cookies and homemade bread. By the time I stepped foot in the door, my mouth would already be watering and I would go straight for the cookie jar like most children would.
Now, if any of you have ever had to resist warm chocolate chip cookies, you can imagine how hard it would have been to take a radish instead, especially if the smell of warm cookies were filling the space.
The subjects were then asked to complete a difficult geometric puzzle in 30 minutes. What he found was pretty interesting.
The subjects who had to exert willpower by resisting the cookies were the first to give up on the puzzle.
That study was done in 1998. In 2010, though, a Stanford University researcher Veronika Job, PhD, and her colleagues found that simply believing that willpower was a limited resource was what made the subjects more susceptible to giving up.
There are still ongoing studies as to what effects willpower. But according to what Professor Job found, you can extend your willpower (to not try to rush the process of getting your ex back) simply by believing that you can.
As one of my college friends used to say regarding my positive outlook and cheery demeanor,
“That is so Disney of you, Ashley.”
It’s the truth, though. You will be tempted to give up and you won’t get your ex back if you try and jump to the end.
Trust that the Program works and see it through and the likeliness that you will be successful is 100% more likely than if you give up.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Well, most people who want to get their ex back would take making out with him as a sign that they’ve reached their final destination. But, getting a little momentary attention isn’t the main goal here. You want him to beg you to take him back and be completely invested. I little smooching and you’re ready to settle for a layover instead of your final destination.