One of the most common questions clients ask us at ExBoyfriend Recovery is: do we think it’s a bad idea to sleep with an ex?
Now, in order to properly answer this question, it’s important to understand the state of mind that most clients are in when we speak with them. You see, our clients usually have one of two goals when they visit our YouTube Channel or websites.
- They either want to win their ex back
- They need help moving on from their ex.
Now, if a client is asking us if it’s a good idea to sleep with an ex, clearly, they want to get back with their ex. In this article we are going to explore if it is a bad idea to sleep with an ex?
I suppose the best way to answer this question is to ask more questions.
Specifically, what are the statistics related to people who decide to sleep with their ex after a breakup?
Well, in 2015, the Associated Press took a poll where they asked people a variety of questions about their breakup experiences.
- One question asked participants if they ever got back together with an ex.
- Another question asked if they ever slept with an ex after a breakup.
What may be encouraging to many people who visit our website is that 43% of the people surveyed said they got back together with an ex.
This is one of the statistics you’ll see me citing throughout my YouTube videos and articles.
But what’s interesting is the number of people who said they slept with an ex.
According to the Associate Press, 36% of people slept with at least one ex in their lifetime.
Now, further research paints an even more interesting picture. Believe it or not, most of the 36% of people who slept with an ex are women.
So, what is going through their heads? Why would someone – specifically, a woman – want to sleep with their ex?
Why Do People Think It’s A Good Idea To Sleep With Their Ex?
Well, from our experience, we have identified four reasons why this happens:
- Over-Romanticizing the Relationship
Let’s explore those four reasons together, before I share advice from our experience and an unconventional solution that has worked for several of our clients.
Reason #1 – Reconciliation
The first reason may seem obvious.
Clients basically believe that if they sleep with an ex, their ex will magically decide to keep the relationship going and want to work things out.
But, unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work out that way.
I think I have an interesting take on the reason this doesn’t happen, which I will share at the end of this article.
But, let’s first dive a little deeper into some of the other reasons that people – specifically women – want to sleep with their exes after a breakup.
Reason #2 – Over-Romanticize Their Relationship
The second reason someone may decide to sleep with an ex is because of they tend to over-romanticize the relationship with their ex.
They will forget all the bad parts of the relationship and only remember the good parts.
This relates back to the “Peak-End Rule” – a concept you have likely heard me talk a lot about on my website or in other videos. Basically, this rule says that human beings are not capable of remembering every detail of an experience. It’s just not possible for our brains. Instead, we remember two distinct parts of any experience – the most exciting or important part (the “peak”) and the worst part (the “end”).
So, people who tend to over-romanticize a relationship with an ex basically focus on the “peak” or the best parts of the relationship and they minimize or forget the worst parts or the “end”.
Reason #3 – Settling
The third reason is one we see often, and it’s usually connected to something we like to call the Grass is Greener Syndrome.
Basically, the Grass is Greener Syndrome occurs when someone goes through a breakup and emerges with a sense of optimism about the future.
They are excited about their newfound freedom and view the breakup as an opportunity to try dating again for the first time in a long time, if a long-term relationship ended. The issue, however, is how their expectation differs from reality.
This person expects life to be beautiful for them after a breakup, but the reality of dating turns out to be far less glamorous.
In fact, sometimes the reality is so unsettling that they want to return to a comfortable relationship and settle for an ex who is familiar.
This can go both ways for both partners. Yes, they may want reconciliation, but in this case they most likely feel like they cannot find anyone better. It’s just easier to fall back into what’s comfortable.
Reason #4 – Closure
One of the final reasons that we see people sleeping with their exes is to find closure. They feel that things were left unresolved in their relationship, so they seek closure through breakup sex.
Now, statistics and research have conflicting ideas about whether break-up sex with an ex will help someone feel a sense of closure.
Some people believe the best way to find closure and get over an ex is to go on the rebound and sleep with someone new. While other research says that sleeping with an ex is actually more harmful than good.
So, my guess is, you are still wondering – is it bad to sleep with an ex or not?
Here’s Our Advice
The most direct way for me to answer this question is to share from our experience with clients who decided to sleep with an ex.
Now, if you follow Ex Boyfriend Recovery, you definitely know where I stand on this issue.
I do not think you should sleep with an ex until you are in a committed relationship.
I’ve learned after working with countless clients over the years that sleeping with an ex will likely not produce the desired outcome. The relationship will likely not be restored.
You see, sex really is the closest physical intimacy you can share with another person. And, especially for women, it’s a way of bonding with their partner that makes them feel uniquely special. At least, this is the internal narrative that many women experience when they decide to sleep with an ex. They believe their exes view sex the same way they do.
It just that, after they make the decision to sleep with an ex, things just do not work out the way they expect. So, let’s talk more about what actually happens when you sleep with an ex.
Here’s What Really Happens When You Sleep With Your Ex
One of the best benefits of having a huge audience is that we get to learn from our clients’ experiences and hear a variety of outcomes to different situations.
As the Associated Press study said, 36% of our clients choose to sleep with their exes.
We tell them not to, but they still do it.
So, what happens to those clients?
Well, I think the more interesting question is: how do their exes react after sleeping together?
The most common response we see from exes after our clients choose to sleep with them is “friends with benefits”.
The ex sees an opportunity to have sex without any strings attached and they take it.
You see, men like sex. We just do. So, when a female client decides to sleep with an ex-boyfriend, they often report receiving “booty calls” afterwards.
Sex with an ex is like opening Pandora’s Box.
Once a guy realizes he can have sex without the complications of a relationship, not only do they lose a respect for the girl, but they start realizing they can take advantage of the situation. And they won’t stop until someone sort of puts them in their place.
But what should you do if you already slept with your ex or your ex is trying to create this “friends with benefits” scenario?
For a long time, we didn’t know how to advise our clients on how to handle this situation. That is, until one day a client did something outside of the norm. It was so clever that we started recommending it to more clients. And then our clients did it and had the same type of success. So, what was it?
An Unconventional Solution
Basically, our client “friends with benefitted” their ex, but did something unconventional for women afterwards.
Now, it’s well documented that when people sleep together, it creates a huge amount of oxytocin, otherwise known as the “cuddle hormone”. This makes most people – dare I say, most women – want to cuddle after having sex. Most men are expecting their partner to want to cuddle after sex for this reason.
But this client did not do that after having sex with her ex. Instead, after the deed was done, she got up and said, “hey that was great” and just suddenly left.
This was completely against the norm of what her ex was expecting.
So, a day or two goes by, and our client did not reach out to her ex. Thinking this was unusual, the ex was a little worried and reached out, but she didn’t respond.
Maybe a day or two went by and the ex reached out again.
Finally, our client responded and said, “oh, I’m so sorry. I was so busy. I was out with this person. I was out with that person”.
Her casual indifference for the fact that they slept together days earlier almost reinforced the idea that she didn’t need him. He realized, “hey, she’s not obsessing about me the way I thought she would.”
All of a sudden, this guy who thinks he’s God’s gift to the world realizes he’s nothing more than just a random human being walking around on this rock that we call earth.
You see, most men, for whatever reason, are fed the belief from day one that they are God’s gift to the world. Sleeping with someone almost reinforces this idea, because it gives them an extreme boost of confidence that they are desirable. After sex, it’s almost like they expect a woman to beg for them to come back. They expect her to want to be in a relationship again.
So, when that doesn’t happen, and our female clients look independent and in charge of their lives – almost like they used their ex instead of him using them – it kind of messes with men and reshapes the way they look at the situation.
In this situation, it’s almost as though friends with benefitting your ex is pressing the reset button on the relationship. Or, rather, it puts our clients in the driver’s seat of the relationship before their ex has the chance to friends with benefit them.