By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 10th, 2021

Breakups are rarely neat and tidy.

Very rarely does a relationship end with one party saying “You know what, Jane, this isn’t really working for me, I think it needs to end,” and the other party saying “No hard feelings, John! I wish you all the best in your life. Stay in touch!”

Ha. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Breakups result in a lot of hurt feelings most of the time. They’re messy, complicated, and one of the things that can make it all even messier is sex.

It’s not uncommon for exes to come back together to do “the deed” a few times after a relationship has ended. It’s familiar and comfortable, you’re both sad, neither of you know when the next time is that you’ll get laid…

It happens!

The problem is, if you want your ex back, sleeping with him is absolutely NOT the answer.

It may seem like if you can get him feeling emotionally connected and remind him of how hot you and your moves are, you can get him to commit, but that is not the case.

The thing is, many guys don’t equate sex with emotional intimacy as much as women do (I won’t say all, because I’ve dated a few guys who do in fact view sex as something with an emotional component).

In season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I’m a HUGE Buffy fan so bear with me,) Buffy, now a freshman at University of California, Sunnydale, begins talking to this insufferable upper classman named Parker Abrams.

They end up sleeping together and then he totally brushes her off, and then badmouths her to some of the other guys, saying:

“The difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat is that the toilet seat doesn’t follow you around after you use it.”

Ouch. Harsh. Luckily, Riley punches him in the face, and a few episodes later, Buffy (in cavewoman form) gets to take out her anger on him as well.

Now, I don’t use the above quote to make anyone feel bad. Some guys are really, really awful – they’re the problem, not you. You don’t want to date those guys anyway.

The only reason I give this example is because this actually is some guys’ mentality about casual sex. Buffy thought that she and Parker had an emotional connection, and so she slept with him. She thought it was a form of commitment. So when she later sees Parker laying down the exact same moves on another girl, she is understandably confused and hurt.

Now, Buffy didn’t do anything WRONG. Let me stress that there is NOTHING wrong with casual sex. But she didn’t want casual. She had been manipulated by Parker into thinking that they had something special. She thought that sleeping together was the next step in their committed relationship. She didn’t get that in his mind, it was a casual, one night thing.

You know that saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

I always hated that saying. It was always brought up when our elders were explaining why we girls shouldn’t have sex with guys.

But you know what? There is some truth to it. I hate to admit it, but there is. If a guy can sleep with us without commitment, why in the world would he commit?

The problem with hooking up with your ex is that it removed the very important “playing hard to get” cards from the table. And that can be such a valuable tool when you are trying to get your ex back. Trust me, I know. I’m in the midst of employing the method now, and I think many of the ladies in our facebook group would tell you that I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

So, in this article, we are going to be talking about what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you are wanting to get your ex boyfriend back, but find yourself hooking up with him occasionally. Or worse, in a full on friends with benefits situation.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz


What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

This didn’t surprise you, did it? The first step is to absolutely break the cycle of sleeping with your ex. I know it feels good physically (I mean…if he’s doing his job right), and I know it feels like a high to be so emotionally close to him. I know it can be hard to indulge in self control.

But you must stop.

Don’t put yourself in situations where you two are alone in a private place. If he suggests sleeping together, give him a sexy smile, just shake your head and/or say no. Begin playing hard to get. It could confuse him for a bit and he may press you, but just remain pleasant and aloof.

What I would NOT recommend doing would be placing an ultimatum (i.e. “either we get back together, or I stop sleeping with you”). No one likes to be cornered, and ultimatums rarely work. In fact, you really risk him getting angry if you make him feel like he has to make a choice.

Remember: Ideally, we want him to ask for you back, not the other way around.

Employ No Contact

I cannot say enough good things about No Contact.

I’ve seen it work so many times, I’m convinced that it is magic.

I won’t tell you how to employ the No Contact Rule, as there is plenty of information on the site about that, but I will talk about why No Contact can be especially useful in a situation where you are hooking up with your ex, but wanting him to commit.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder (Wow, I’m using a lot of old time clichés in this article – sorry).

It’s a cliché, though, because it’s true. Think about it – You’ve gone from being in your ex’s life, rocking his world, he thinks you’re on good terms, and then, you disappear. Nothing to make a guy miss you like pulling the rug out from under him and vanishing from his life.

Not having you (and your rocking bod and killer moves) in his life after feeling like he was getting it with no effort may make him start to re-think things.


One of the things you could try doing could be to “break off” the understanding that the two of you have. The lovely and incomparable Jennifer (Chris’ wife, and an essential staple of the facebook group) came up with this method, but it is a bit risky.

It can’t be used in a lot of circumstances, so I would recommend asking someone on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery team if it would be appropriate for your situation before using it.

In this instance, you want to make your ex feel like you’re breaking off the understanding that the two of you have, which will make them feel rejected and want to chase you more.

You could say something like:

“You know, John, this has been fun and all, but I’m seeing a couple of people, and I really want to direct my time and energy there.”

Again, this can be risky (because he could be thinking along the same lines), so please seek advice before using this method.

Satisfaction + Your Value + Investment = Commitment

In a recent podcast episode titled “Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To“, Chris discusses the Interdependence Theory and the three factors that it takes to make a guy realize that committing to you will be the best choice he ever made.

Let’s explore.


Your ex needs to feel satisfied with your relationship. So what can you do to make sure that he feels a high level of satisfaction with your past and present relationship?

  • Keep your interactions light and positive
  • Bring up positive memories from the relationship
  • Support him mentally and emotionally
  • Do things that he mentioned in the relationship that he always liked/appreciated

The key here is to drive home all the positive points of the relationship so that when he looks back, he goes “Oh yeah. Jane was an awesome girlfriend.”

Your Value

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Your ex needs to feel like you are the best possible option for him. He needs to see that everyone else out there pales in comparison to you. So what are some ways that you can up your value in his eyes?

  • Take care of yourself emotionally, physically, emotionally to be the best Ungettable Girl you can be
  • Keep your emotions in check – don’t do unreasonable things that will push him away
  • Always look smoking hot and play a little hard to get (remember, cow before the milk!)
  • Don’t get discouraged if you see him out there dating. This can work to your advantage (In fact, I told my ex about a horror story I recently witnessed at a bar, just to drive home the point of how crazy awful the dating world can be. It worked. He was horrified).

As Chris mentions in the episode, sometimes your guy breaking up with you is a good thing because they see that the alternatives that are out there are not better than you, and they come running back begging you to take them back and save them from the crazy world of single-dom.


The final point is investment. Your ex needs to feel invested in the relationship. This means giving you his effort, time, and money. So what can you do to make your ex invest in you?

  • See what you can do to make him emotionally open up and feel close to you
  • Let him initiate. Don’t feel like you have to be in contact every day. Back off sometimes and make him extend the effort
  • Drop hints – about a place you want to go to dinner, wanting flowers, needing favors done around the house, etc.
  • Make his time around you the most enjoyable so that he will want to spend more time with you again as soon as possible

My ex has been investing in me a lot lately – initiating all conversations, buying our meals, wanting to see me all the time. When we are together I accept all of this graciously and thank him, and I do what I can to get him opening up to me so that we can feel emotionally closer. Keep tabs on the different ways that your guy likes to invest, as all guys are different.

What to do if you have a slip up

So, you’re doing your thing, being your best self, as Ungettable as can be. Then – whoops – you have a slip up.

You sleep with your ex. It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world, either.

What matters is how you behave in the direct aftermath of the deed. Like, RIGHT after.

My last breakup before this one, I had a slip up.

But I think I handled it in a way that allowed me to keep the power. Guys expect you to be all emotional and clingy after you sleep with them, so if you aren’t, it’s kind of surprising. As soon as we finished, I got up, put my clothes on, and was ready to go.

He walked me out to my car, and I joked the entire way, not being emotional at all. I said goodbye, and he leaned in to kiss me. I jerked back and said “what are you doing?” he stood there blinking, a perplexed look on his face. “Well, now I’m confused,” he said softly to himself, shaking his head.

As I drove away, I said out loud to myself, “that was the point.”

I did a similar thing with my most current ex, and got almost the exact same result.

It’s not the end of the world if you sleep with your ex, but you have to handle it as unemotionally as possible.

Power Plays

Women are the gatekeepers to sex.

That gives us the power.

You know that Greek play, Lysistrata?

The women of the village go on a sex strike to force their husbands to negotiate for peace during the Peloponnesian War.

It’s a comedy, but Aristophanes was on to something, and sex strikes have been used by women historically as a means to gain political leverage.

Sex is power, and in cases where you are trying to get someone to commit, not having it is what gives you the most power of all.

People want what they can’t have. Men love the chase.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So if you’re still hooking up with your ex, stop immediately, consider a No Contact period, and think about how you can implement the equation above to get your ex to realize that you’ve been the only girl for him all along.

(This article was written by Rachel)

What to Read Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

40 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)”

  1. Riley

    July 28, 2021 at 9:18 pm

    Me and my ex started dated in February. We knew each other from college, this semester we got serious, and started dating. It started off good, it was his first time dating someone. But a month later he ended it. I was devastated. He told me how he may never get a girl like me, but it’s just wasn’t what he wanted at the time, and maybe we can date later. For the next month we still hung out, some days he acted like we were dating, some days he told me to leave him alone and ignored me. I was confused why we couldn’t date. During this time he started hanging out with another girl,a friend who he cut off when we started dating, he even went to her apartment the night he ended things. He said he went there bc he was relieved he ended it and wanted to reconnect. He told me
    how he feels so bad that he went there that night, and he made sure to not sleep by here out of respect for me, but says how there’s nothing respectful about that, glad he realizes. A few weeks later they hooked up, while we still hung out. I didn’t know this until later, as we got back together in May. I don’t know how feel about this, we were seperated for a month, and he got with someone else while getting with me. He says now he has so much regret ending it after a month, and he has no clue why he didn’t want anything. We’re really happy now, but it seems he has depression and guilt on why he left me and played me for a whole month, just to get back together. He says he doesn’t deserve me, because his actions had no love.

  2. Faith

    August 9, 2020 at 3:24 pm

    I recently got broken up with my ex boyfriend after dating him for almost 5 years and we have “cold and hot days” since the breakup. We also hooked up a couple of times. He said that he misses and still loves me on some days, then some days he says when he’s angry that we won’t get back together. I still love my ex and I want to get back together with him but I’m not sure on how to initiate “the talk” or when to even have the talk. We tried no contact when he blocked me off social media, but I ended up getting unblocked and he messaged me. He’s the type where he speaks out of emotion and anger, and not thinking logical until after he’s cooled down.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 6:48 pm

      Hi Faith, if you want your ex back and want to follow this program, then you need to go into a 30 days No Contact without breaking it when he reaches out. And definitely stop sleeping with him while you are not in a relationship. He now knows sex is an option with you with out the commitment of a relationship. And he is also going to know if he tells you he loves you and misses you that he can talk you into bed. You need to change this by ignoring him for 30 days and work on yourself, work on the holy trinity (see articles) to help you understand what you need to be doing through this no contact phase

  3. Sophia

    April 15, 2020 at 8:47 pm

    My ex and I dated for over a year and it was my first serious relationship. He continued t reach out to me and we began talking again. The no contact period left me wanting him back. Then we started hooking up again and we hav been for about a month now. I told him I think it is time to move forward. Another friend of mine said he wanted to get with me and I don’t know if I should. I still feel connected to my ex.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 18, 2020 at 4:36 pm

      Hi Sophia so the conversation with him about moving forward, does this mean in a relationship or you two separating? If you want to be back in a relationship with him then stop hooking up and focus on rebuilding your foundation to create a strong relationship rather than it being based on sex

  4. Carmen

    October 14, 2019 at 6:09 pm

    My bf and I broke up six months ago after being together for a year. The relationship was fairly serious, marriage potential and so on. He broke up w me because we were young and both going through transitional phase of graduating from college (although staying in same city and planning on living there forever bc of family) and he wanted to be alone. I was upset for weeks and didn’t want to speak to him even though he wanted to stay in contact. I started dating someone else and he was rly upset when he found out. Friends told me he really regretted it and missed me a lot. He was reaching out three times a week on all social media and text/phone. A couple months later, we met up and agreed we really missed each other but he was too upset to get back together because I acted immaturely during the break up. We started hooking up again and it went back to basically dating without the commitment. I ended that a month ago and he says he’s really upset and wants me back but doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now but to him I am his entire world. We hooked up by mistake this past weekend and now he won’t stop texting me. How do I get him to commit sooner rather than later?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:12 pm

      Hi Carmen, so you’ve got him interested and texting you so keep talking to him and build up your conversations and DO NOT HAVE SEX again until he is you boyfriend again, allow it to develop through dates and meeting up again but keep it PG until he is committed again

  5. Haley

    October 11, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    My ex broke up with a couple of weeks. Ago. I started implying the no contact rule and of course he contacted the other night and asked me to cuddle. I went to cuddle with him and we ended up sleeping with each other. He texted me the next day but that is it. I don’t regret it but I don’t want to be just a booty call. He broke up with me because he is unstable. So do I do the no contact rule again and see what happens?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 11, 2019 at 7:10 pm

      Hey Haley yes do the NC again and stick with it, hes just confirmed he can have out if he reaches out so next time you need to ignore him to set the boundaries straight

  6. Precious

    August 12, 2019 at 9:44 am

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me, i then established no contact and it well went. He started calling me non stop and urged to meet up and give back some of the stuff i left at his place. When I got to his place he started sharing the good memories we had together, and how proud he is that i was once a part of his life. He tried to kiss me at first I resisted the kiss but eventually fell in for it and we made up. After making love I got angry and told him not to call me ever again.I suggested that we stop callig each other, he insisted that he’d love to call me and say hi since he cant bare the thought of not calling me and I said No . I told him to delete my digits from his phone and he said he already knows them by head. I did this because he does not want to commit I felt like he only wanted to enjoy himself in me yet I want him to commit, was it the right thing to do or it will push him further away. What must I do now?

  7. Britt

    August 6, 2019 at 11:54 am

    No contact went great and we were easing back into seeing each other , calling, and texting. Then I slipped up and slept with my ex, but instead of backing away in a cool and coy way from the situation I called upset and said that I needed to stop because I need to know myself and that I’ll just want more out of the relationship. He didn’t say much, just that it’s ok.

    I think cutting it off was the right thing to do – I don’t want FWB – but am concerned that stating I’d want more gave up too much power (or will send him running eternally because I admitted that I would end up wanting a relationship again). Thoughts on how I can regain control here?

  8. Rae

    May 19, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    My ex broke up with me 19th April. At first I took it badly and was emotional then I distanced myself and cut contact to work on me. This helped me mentally get to a better place. My ex and I are on good terms and met up a few times. As of yesterday my ex and I Spent the last 48 hours together. He let me stay over and we hooked up. This isn’t the first time we have hooked up and I’ve stayed over either. Only this time seemed more like us and how it used to be. He cuddled me to sleep and cuddled me in the morning to wake me up which were things he would do when I lived with him. We chilled all day watching Netflix and being playful and laughing. He pulled me into him to cuddle me when watching films too. We also went out to lunch the day before and dinner the day after. He also started calling me babe again which I know might not mean much but initially he was acting cold. He struggles to open up about his feelings but I can’t help but think he misses me and I’m struggling with the mixed messages. He hasn’t messaged me today and I haven’t messaged him as I’m still trying to give him his space (his reason for breaking up with me initially). I really love him and want us to get back together, what do I do to increase my chances of this happening?

    1. Chris Seiter

      May 19, 2019 at 9:20 pm

      Hi Rae…so just think in terms of little steps. Seek to put together a lot of positive moments and experiences, not trying to force things or put a label on the relationship.

  9. Bridgette

    December 26, 2017 at 4:15 am

    I was in a LD relationship for about a year. He broke it off due to the complicated situation of being far apart and said he felt like he disappointed me too much by not being able to give more or come see me more. When we broke up I did no contact for 27 days because day 30 I was in his town for a wedding, so I broke no contact to see if he wanted to grab a coffee while I was there. We met up an had the best time ever. After I left we continued to talk every day now for a year and a half. However, there’s no talk of relationship again. I went to visit him again for 2 weeks and again we had an amazing time. But still no talk of getting back together. And, he hasn’t come to my town since. He told me he wants to move to another state and it upset me because it shows me he will move to somewhere new but not to my area.
    I started no contact again 15 days ago, my question is, what would I do after? If anything. I read in other blogs that you shouldn’t bring up getting back together after no contact? But when should I? Or how should I?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 27, 2017 at 10:32 pm

      Do it when there’s already attraction built after meet ups without sleeping with him

  10. Luci

    December 17, 2017 at 6:51 am

    Btw, before we slept he had been asking me when will I come to visit him, and he’s free to travel with me anytime. But I told him I would only fly to see my bf n travel with a bf, not an ex. Then he said he understood n talked sth else. That’s why I think probably he’s not going to commit.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 6:54 pm

      Ask now, because you’re not trying to build rapport anymore. You’re going to ask to know if you should move on or not.

  11. Luci

    December 17, 2017 at 6:30 am

    Hi Amor, thanks for your reply. He replied my msg 1 day after (the msg was delivered right away but I think he intentionally replied me later). Should I ask him directly if he wants to try again or I should continue to build rapport? He’s 4x, married once but he never really chased anyone before, not even proposed in his previous marriage, his mindset is weird, He says men n women are equal, if we both love each other, why men need to chase? And I really do not like this cos he makes things so vague. Thanks to advise.

  12. Luci

    December 15, 2017 at 3:50 am

    Hi Amor, I had a long distance relationship for 2years n we had 3 breakups in a year. The last break up was initiated by him 6 months ago, after 2 months I asked for my stuff back and since then he called me every day telling me he missed me a lot. But since 2 months ago I was seeing someone new n I told him about that. Last month we got a chance to meet up but then we slept. Since then I started NC right away and for the first week he msg me for a few times n I ignored him. He knew I intentionally ignored him for sure. He is revenge type, if I ignore him once he would do it twice. So after NC I initiated contact but he didn’t even bother to online (he didn’t online since the last msg he sent) and read the msg, I know I should wait for a week before sending another text….. what else Can I do to stop his anger? Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 15, 2017 at 5:11 pm

      Hi Luci,

      talk to him on what your real status is, and if he decides he doesn’t want to try, move on.. he will try again after that, ask him again, unless he really wants to commit and make it official, don’t be talk to him.

  13. Rose

    December 4, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    My Ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I did no contact, he played hot an cold, tried to make me jealous and after the no c. even told me how much he misses me. We decided to take things slow because he is still undesicive and went on a few dates, which were nice and fun for both of us. After the last two dates (which where on following days) I slept with him. We had no contact after that for two days but I saw him on Monday again because we are at the same university and he reacted like if we were back together and even kissed me in front of our friends. I told him that I am confused because I know he still does not want to get back together and it upsets me that we are just a thing when he wants us to be. He then told me he totally understands me but he still can not give me an answer to my question and he still doesn’t know what he wants. What should I do? Ignor him? Invest in more special time to “convince” him that it works?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2017 at 7:37 pm

      Hi Rose,

      you already talked to him, so the last approach is to do 45 days.. be active in improving yourself.. and if you talked to him during nc about feelings and the relationships, that means it’s broken.. if he approaches you and starts talking about it, just nod or say you understand and then excuse yourself and walk away..

  14. Sonja

    August 29, 2017 at 6:38 pm


    So I did no contact for about three or four weeks. He messaged me a couple times, and I ignored him. Then he told me how much he missed me and really wanted me back. So we talked for about a week and ended up making out in his car one night. After that, he stopped being so engaging in the conversation. We hung out twice more after that, and ended up making out but not having sex. I told him I wanted more, and it seemed like he didn’t and that this situation was really confusing. He just accepted it and didn’t say anything else. What do I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      Restart nc and then dont sleep with him again of you’re not official

  15. Lilliane

    August 24, 2017 at 9:47 am

    Me and my ex had broken up back in January in June he comntacted me and we started seeing each other as fwb . About a month ago we stopped i initiated the NC Rule yet last Saturday he contacted me and I responded in a cold way. Im really scared I want him back but not in a fwb situation. I dont think he will ever come back since we have been in a relationship and fwb and he said he cant see a future with me. What shall I do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 24, 2017 at 10:06 pm

      Sorry, I didn’t explain it well. Do the no contact rule, be active in improving yourself and in posting during and after it while slowly building rapport and don’t be friends with benefits again.

  16. Lucy

    August 22, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Hi, so my ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago, I did NC right after the breakup but a month later a contacted him and he invited me over. I said yes and we started casually seeing each other, but I knew he was seeing only me. A week ago he told me he hooked up with someone and that it wasn’t fair to me to keep our “casual thing” going.. I told him I don’t mind just so that I can keep seeing him, but I do mind. I don’t want to be his friend with benefits, but I’m afraid that, without me in the picture, he will start seeing the other girl seriously.. I really want him back and would do anything. Should I restart NC again and risk losing him to her or keep in touch with him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 10:23 pm

      Yep, restart nc and don’t be friends with benefits again.

  17. Michelle

    August 2, 2017 at 7:21 am

    I slipped up and slept with my ex a second time. He showed up at the same place my friends and I were at and my friends were leaving early. We wound up staying and decided to go somewhere else but before that he had to make a pit stop first and asked if I wanted to wait at his house a few mins while he made the pit stop. I said yes and waited there. We headed out to see a band and came back to his house after. It felt so normal and natural. We went to bed and slept together. It was so passionate. The next morning he woke up relaxed, he made an amazing breakfast for us, hung out at his house for a while and then he said he had running around to do and he asked me what I was going to do and I said I was going home to shower and do some other things, so we got ready and and as we left he kissed me goodbye. I wanted to talk to him about what he was thinking about us but never got the chance bc he was about to go and I didn’t want to seem clingy. I asked if we can talk later and he said he would call me later. He never called. I called him later that night but he didn’t pick up. So then I messaged him bc I saw he was active on Facebook when I called. I messaged “hey, what are you up to?” He never answered but opened the message the next day in the afternoon after his work. Its been 3 days. Do I text him?? I want to tell him. I don’t want to jump back into the relationship but start over clean slate, go slow and give ourselves space and take our time. We broke up a month ago. I successfully completed the NC rule for 27 days before we ran into each other for the first time since the breakup. We had a drink and went back to his house and slept together. That first time, too, he said he’d call but hadn’t and I again didn’t contact him. He text me a few days later saying he couldn’t sleep but then acted like he textb me by mistake but then we text from 11pm to 4am. A week went by and text him a light friendly text about something that reminded me of him. He responded right away and positively and I briefly ended the convo. I waited and text him a few days later with another light friendly text asking him if he remembered what we ate at a restaurant he especially enjoyed. He responded positively and that was the night before our second encounter. Do I contact him to tell him how I feel and i mentioned before?? Thanks Amor.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 5, 2017 at 5:20 pm

      By now, did you? You need to restart nc

  18. b

    August 1, 2017 at 3:10 pm

    On and off for two years, he had a specific “type” of girl who wasn’t me, but we have an insane connection he can’t find elsewhere (all according to him). He always comes back to me and says they dont “compare”. Currently hes asking me to put my life on hold while he chooses between me and another woman. Would the method above, the break off, be useful in making him jealous, or would it just push him to walk away citing that he doesn’t want to infringe on my happiness?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 5:24 pm

      The question is, are you happy being the second choice and being treated like his friend with benefits? Because the more you’re willing to be in that situation, the more you’re conveying you don’t have self respect. Do nc for yourself..not to make him jealous,.not more for him but for yourself.. If he doesn’t commit, it’s his loss..

  19. Julia

    July 30, 2017 at 4:13 am

    My ex broke up with me in February of this year. It was long distance. Now, we’re still long distance but he has asked to be friends with benefits. I agreed at first but it makes me feel terrible. He got mad at me for jokingly saying something and told me to shut up and he regretted contacting me. I was hurt by this. Today he messaged me saying he thought I was looking down on him by saying that, and I told him I wasn’t. He said he often felt inferior and that led to a long emotional coversation. He then said if I agreed to friends with benefits in hopes of getting him back it wasn’t going to work, that he would never love me again and that he wouldn’t get in a relationship with me. He said it made him feel terrible for writing this but that it was the truth. I lied and said I didn’t want to get him back that I just wanted to be there for him as a friend. We talked about certain things that I shouldn’t have allowed after what he said. What should I do if I even want to start repairing our friendship? Is it possible to even get him back after so long? He’s in love with someone else who said she needed time to think but never gave him an answer. I have tried NC for two weeks once, and he acted very strangely. He sent me several messages in a row and commented on my posts. I feel like if I were to do it again he would just block me. I really need help with this. I’ve read several of the articles, but I’m not sure about what I should do.

    (Sorry for commenting twice. I put the wrong email the first time.)

    1. Julia

      August 8, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      I had sent a message on Snap a week before starting no contact. My ex never bothered to look at it because it was just a text and not something “visual.” Around four days into NC (I’m on day nine now) he opened it and put a question mark like I had sent it that day. He also watched my story and sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk or if I needed more time. I did’t respond to any of this, but I was wondering if I needed to restart NC from the beginning because of that message on Snap.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 9, 2017 at 3:37 pm

      nope, no need.

    3. Julia

      July 31, 2017 at 7:47 pm

      Hello. Thank you for responding. Yesterday he started to act out of line and said he wanted me to continue the benefits part of our relationship but he didn’t want to stay friends because it was too much of an emotional rollercoaster. He stated that be had given me more chances than anyone and that he was tired of getting mad at me. The thing that had made him this upset was me calling him cupcake. This was not meant to be hurtful in anyway so I don’t really get why he’s acting this way. After saying he doesn’t care and hearing people say much much worse to him it just strikes me as weird. He also brought up that he lashed out at me the most and didn’t even act this way with people who purposely caused him harm.He said I frustrated him and he was scared of becoming livid at me and saying something hurtful he couldn’t take back. This was someone I had always been there for. Someone started a smear campaign against him basically and he still wanted to be friends with them. His behavior started coming off as extremely immature. I asked if all he felt when talking to me were bad feelings. He responded with they were either that or sexual. This was a hurtful comment after I have done my best to be nice and civil to this person. I still care about him since we have been friends for a while and a part of me does love him. I just don’t get it. After that he mentioned that he wanted to continue to read the short stories and the book I was working on because he had nothing but respect for me as an author. I ended the conversation by saying I needed time to think and that I should never have stooped down to this level. He immediately responded back with that he needed to know if it was goodbye. After I said I wasn’t sure he went to a social media website we both used (and were on everyday) and said he wouldn’t be using his account because he didn’t see the point of it if I wasn’t talking to him. Although he didn’t flat out use my name.

      Just two weeks ago he was complimenting me constantly and saying that if it wasn’t long distance we would still be together. He said this after getting wrapped up in work and his social life so he wasn’t able to talk to me for a week. The sudden change over something like that confuses me.

      I’m on day one of no contact, but I do still want him back despite all of this. He’s incredibly stubborn. I feel that I may have put him in a position of power after begging when our relationship was over (months ago) and agreeing to friends with benefits. I know that he’s very physically attracted to me and he does enjoy my writing to the point he asks for more and gets excited if I send him a chapter of something I’m working on early. During NC I already made plans to attend a few musicals, art classes, and spend time with friends. I plan on improving myself. I just want to know what I should do afterwards so I can prepare?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 4:22 pm

      Just a reminder, nc means no replying too nor commenting back to his comments on your posts if he does.check this one:
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 31, 2017 at 3:05 pm

      Hi Julia,

      Do you want to restart nc and follow the advice above? If he blocks you, so be it. It’s better than to continue losing self respect

  20. Julia

    July 30, 2017 at 4:10 am

    My ex broke up with me in February of this year. It was long distance. Now, we’re still long distance but he has asked to be friends with benefits. I agreed at first but it makes me feel terrible. He got mad at me for jokingly saying something and told me to shut up and he regretted contacting me. I was hurt by this. Today he messaged me saying he thought I was looking down on him by saying that, and I told him I wasn’t. He said he often felt inferior and that led to a long emotional coversation. He then said if I agreed to friends with benefits in hopes of getting him back it wasn’t going to work, that he would never love me again and that he wouldn’t get in a relationship with me. He said it made him feel terrible for writing this but that it was the truth. I lied and said I didn’t want to get him back that I just wanted to be there for him as a friend. We talked about certain things that I shouldn’t have allowed after what he said. What should I do if I even want to start repairing our friendship? Is it possible to even get him back after so long? He’s in love with someone else who said she needed time to think but never gave him an answer. I have tried NC for two weeks once, and he acted very strangely. He sent me several messages in a row and commented on my posts. I feel like if I were to do it again he would just block me. I really need help with this. I’ve read several of the articles, but I’m not sure about what I should do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 31, 2017 at 3:04 pm

      Hi Julia,

      Do you want to restart nc and follow the advice above? If he blocks you, so be it. It’s better than to continue losing self respect