Will Text Messages Work To Get Your Ex Back?

My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)

Breakups are rarely neat and tidy.

Very rarely does a relationship end with one party saying “You know what, Jane, this isn’t really working for me, I think it needs to end,” and the other party saying “No hard feelings, John! I wish you all the best in your life. Stay in touch!”

Ha. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Breakups result in a lot of hurt feelings most of the time. They’re messy, complicated, and one of the things that can make it all even messier is sex.

It’s not uncommon for exes to come back together to do “the deed” a few times after a relationship has ended. It’s familiar and comfortable, you’re both sad, neither of you know when the next time is that you’ll get laid…

It happens!

The problem is, if you want your ex back, sleeping with him is absolutely NOT the answer.

It may seem like if you can get him feeling emotionally connected and remind him of how hot you and your moves are, you can get him to commit, but that is not the case.

The thing is, many guys don’t equate sex with emotional intimacy as much as women do (I won’t say all, because I’ve dated a few guys who do in fact view sex as something with an emotional component).

In season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I’m a HUGE Buffy fan so bear with me,) Buffy, now a freshman at University of California, Sunnydale, begins talking to this insufferable upper classman named Parker Abrams.

They end up sleeping together and then he totally brushes her off, and then badmouths her to some of the other guys, saying:

“The difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat is that the toilet seat doesn’t follow you around after you use it.”

Ouch. Harsh. Luckily, Riley punches him in the face, and a few episodes later, Buffy (in cavewoman form) gets to take out her anger on him as well.

Now, I don’t use the above quote to make anyone feel bad. Some guys are really, really awful – they’re the problem, not you. You don’t want to date those guys anyway.

The only reason I give this example is because this actually is some guys’ mentality about casual sex. Buffy thought that she and Parker had an emotional connection, and so she slept with him. She thought it was a form of commitment. So when she later sees Parker laying down the exact same moves on another girl, she is understandably confused and hurt.

Now, Buffy didn’t do anything WRONG. Let me stress that there is NOTHING wrong with casual sex. But she didn’t want casual. She had been manipulated by Parker into thinking that they had something special. She thought that sleeping together was the next step in their committed relationship. She didn’t get that in his mind, it was a casual, one night thing.

You know that saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

I always hated that saying. It was always brought up when our elders were explaining why we girls shouldn’t have sex with guys.

But you know what? There is some truth to it. I hate to admit it, but there is. If a guy can sleep with us without commitment, why in the world would he commit?

The problem with hooking up with your ex is that it removed the very important “playing hard to get” cards from the table. And that can be such a valuable tool when you are trying to get your ex back. Trust me, I know. I’m in the midst of employing the method now, and I think many of the ladies in our facebook group would tell you that I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

So, in this article, we are going to be talking about what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you are wanting to get your ex boyfriend back, but find yourself hooking up with him occasionally. Or worse, in a full on friends with benefits situation.

STOP

This didn’t surprise you, did it? The first step is to absolutely break the cycle of sleeping with your ex. I know it feels good physically (I mean…if he’s doing his job right), and I know it feels like a high to be so emotionally close to him. I know it can be hard to indulge in self control.

But you must stop.

Don’t put yourself in situations where you two are alone in a private place. If he suggests sleeping together, give him a sexy smile, just shake your head and/or say no. Begin playing hard to get. It could confuse him for a bit and he may press you, but just remain pleasant and aloof.

What I would NOT recommend doing would be placing an ultimatum (i.e. “either we get back together, or I stop sleeping with you”). No one likes to be cornered, and ultimatums rarely work. In fact, you really risk him getting angry if you make him feel like he has to make a choice.

Remember: Ideally, we want him to ask for you back, not the other way around.

Employ No Contact

I cannot say enough good things about No Contact.

I’ve seen it work so many times, I’m convinced that it is magic.

I won’t tell you how to employ the No Contact Rule, as there is plenty of information on the site about that, but I will talk about why No Contact can be especially useful in a situation where you are hooking up with your ex, but wanting him to commit.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder (Wow, I’m using a lot of old time clichés in this article – sorry).

It’s a cliché, though, because it’s true. Think about it – You’ve gone from being in your ex’s life, rocking his world, he thinks you’re on good terms, and then, you disappear. Nothing to make a guy miss you like pulling the rug out from under him and vanishing from his life.

Not having you (and your rocking bod and killer moves) in his life after feeling like he was getting it with no effort may make him start to re-think things.

“Re-breakup”

One of the things you could try doing could be to “break off” the understanding that the two of you have. The lovely and incomparable Jennifer (Chris’ wife, and an essential staple of the facebook group) came up with this method, but it is a bit risky.

It can’t be used in a lot of circumstances, so I would recommend asking someone on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery team if it would be appropriate for your situation before using it.

In this instance, you want to make your ex feel like you’re breaking off the understanding that the two of you have, which will make them feel rejected and want to chase you more.

You could say something like:

“You know, John, this has been fun and all, but I’m seeing a couple of people, and I really want to direct my time and energy there.”

Again, this can be risky (because he could be thinking along the same lines), so please seek advice before using this method.

Satisfaction + Your Value + Investment = Commitment

In a recent podcast episode titled “Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To“, Chris discusses the Interdependence Theory and the three factors that it takes to make a guy realize that committing to you will be the best choice he ever made.

Let’s explore.

Satisfaction

Your ex needs to feel satisfied with your relationship. So what can you do to make sure that he feels a high level of satisfaction with your past and present relationship?

  • Keep your interactions light and positive
  • Bring up positive memories from the relationship
  • Support him mentally and emotionally
  • Do things that he mentioned in the relationship that he always liked/appreciated

The key here is to drive home all the positive points of the relationship so that when he looks back, he goes “Oh yeah. Jane was an awesome girlfriend.”

Your Value

Your ex needs to feel like you are the best possible option for him. He needs to see that everyone else out there pales in comparison to you. So what are some ways that you can up your value in his eyes?

  • Take care of yourself emotionally, physically, emotionally to be the best Ungettable Girl you can be
  • Keep your emotions in check – don’t do unreasonable things that will push him away
  • Always look smoking hot and play a little hard to get (remember, cow before the milk!)
  • Don’t get discouraged if you see him out there dating. This can work to your advantage (In fact, I told my ex about a horror story I recently witnessed at a bar, just to drive home the point of how crazy awful the dating world can be. It worked. He was horrified).

As Chris mentions in the episode, sometimes your guy breaking up with you is a good thing because they see that the alternatives that are out there are not better than you, and they come running back begging you to take them back and save them from the crazy world of single-dom.

Investment

The final point is investment. Your ex needs to feel invested in the relationship. This means giving you his effort, time, and money. So what can you do to make your ex invest in you?

  • See what you can do to make him emotionally open up and feel close to you
  • Let him initiate. Don’t feel like you have to be in contact every day. Back off sometimes and make him extend the effort
  • Drop hints – about a place you want to go to dinner, wanting flowers, needing favors done around the house, etc.
  • Make his time around you the most enjoyable so that he will want to spend more time with you again as soon as possible

My ex has been investing in me a lot lately – initiating all conversations, buying our meals, wanting to see me all the time. When we are together I accept all of this graciously and thank him, and I do what I can to get him opening up to me so that we can feel emotionally closer. Keep tabs on the different ways that your guy likes to invest, as all guys are different.

What to do if you have a slip up

So, you’re doing your thing, being your best self, as Ungettable as can be. Then – whoops – you have a slip up.

You sleep with your ex. It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world, either.

What matters is how you behave in the direct aftermath of the deed. Like, RIGHT after.

My last breakup before this one, I had a slip up.

But I think I handled it in a way that allowed me to keep the power. Guys expect you to be all emotional and clingy after you sleep with them, so if you aren’t, it’s kind of surprising. As soon as we finished, I got up, put my clothes on, and was ready to go.

He walked me out to my car, and I joked the entire way, not being emotional at all. I said goodbye, and he leaned in to kiss me. I jerked back and said “what are you doing?” he stood there blinking, a perplexed look on his face. “Well, now I’m confused,” he said softly to himself, shaking his head.

As I drove away, I said out loud to myself, “that was the point.”

I did a similar thing with my most current ex, and got almost the exact same result.

It’s not the end of the world if you sleep with your ex, but you have to handle it as unemotionally as possible.

Power Plays

Women are the gatekeepers to sex.

That gives us the power.

You know that Greek play, Lysistrata?

The women of the village go on a sex strike to force their husbands to negotiate for peace during the Peloponnesian War.

It’s a comedy, but Aristophanes was on to something, and sex strikes have been used by women historically as a means to gain political leverage.

Sex is power, and in cases where you are trying to get someone to commit, not having it is what gives you the most power of all.

People want what they can’t have. Men love the chase.

So if you’re still hooking up with your ex, stop immediately, consider a No Contact period, and think about how you can implement the equation above to get your ex to realize that you’ve been the only girl for him all along.

(This article was written by Rachel)

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

18 responses to “My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)”

  1. Sonja says:

    Hi,

    So I did no contact for about three or four weeks. He messaged me a couple times, and I ignored him. Then he told me how much he missed me and really wanted me back. So we talked for about a week and ended up making out in his car one night. After that, he stopped being so engaging in the conversation. We hung out twice more after that, and ended up making out but not having sex. I told him I wanted more, and it seemed like he didn’t and that this situation was really confusing. He just accepted it and didn’t say anything else. What do I do now?

  2. Lilliane says:

    Me and my ex had broken up back in January in June he comntacted me and we started seeing each other as fwb . About a month ago we stopped i initiated the NC Rule yet last Saturday he contacted me and I responded in a cold way. Im really scared I want him back but not in a fwb situation. I dont think he will ever come back since we have been in a relationship and fwb and he said he cant see a future with me. What shall I do ?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Sorry, I didn’t explain it well. Do the no contact rule, be active in improving yourself and in posting during and after it while slowly building rapport and don’t be friends with benefits again.

  3. Lucy says:

    Hi, so my ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago, I did NC right after the breakup but a month later a contacted him and he invited me over. I said yes and we started casually seeing each other, but I knew he was seeing only me. A week ago he told me he hooked up with someone and that it wasn’t fair to me to keep our “casual thing” going.. I told him I don’t mind just so that I can keep seeing him, but I do mind. I don’t want to be his friend with benefits, but I’m afraid that, without me in the picture, he will start seeing the other girl seriously.. I really want him back and would do anything. Should I restart NC again and risk losing him to her or keep in touch with him?

  4. Michelle says:

    I slipped up and slept with my ex a second time. He showed up at the same place my friends and I were at and my friends were leaving early. We wound up staying and decided to go somewhere else but before that he had to make a pit stop first and asked if I wanted to wait at his house a few mins while he made the pit stop. I said yes and waited there. We headed out to see a band and came back to his house after. It felt so normal and natural. We went to bed and slept together. It was so passionate. The next morning he woke up relaxed, he made an amazing breakfast for us, hung out at his house for a while and then he said he had running around to do and he asked me what I was going to do and I said I was going home to shower and do some other things, so we got ready and and as we left he kissed me goodbye. I wanted to talk to him about what he was thinking about us but never got the chance bc he was about to go and I didn’t want to seem clingy. I asked if we can talk later and he said he would call me later. He never called. I called him later that night but he didn’t pick up. So then I messaged him bc I saw he was active on Facebook when I called. I messaged “hey, what are you up to?” He never answered but opened the message the next day in the afternoon after his work. Its been 3 days. Do I text him?? I want to tell him. I don’t want to jump back into the relationship but start over clean slate, go slow and give ourselves space and take our time. We broke up a month ago. I successfully completed the NC rule for 27 days before we ran into each other for the first time since the breakup. We had a drink and went back to his house and slept together. That first time, too, he said he’d call but hadn’t and I again didn’t contact him. He text me a few days later saying he couldn’t sleep but then acted like he textb me by mistake but then we text from 11pm to 4am. A week went by and text him a light friendly text about something that reminded me of him. He responded right away and positively and I briefly ended the convo. I waited and text him a few days later with another light friendly text asking him if he remembered what we ate at a restaurant he especially enjoyed. He responded positively and that was the night before our second encounter. Do I contact him to tell him how I feel and i mentioned before?? Thanks Amor.

  5. b says:

    On and off for two years, he had a specific “type” of girl who wasn’t me, but we have an insane connection he can’t find elsewhere (all according to him). He always comes back to me and says they dont “compare”. Currently hes asking me to put my life on hold while he chooses between me and another woman. Would the method above, the break off, be useful in making him jealous, or would it just push him to walk away citing that he doesn’t want to infringe on my happiness?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      The question is, are you happy being the second choice and being treated like his friend with benefits? Because the more you’re willing to be in that situation, the more you’re conveying you don’t have self respect. Do nc for yourself..not to make him jealous,.not more for him but for yourself.. If he doesn’t commit, it’s his loss..

  6. Julia says:

    My ex broke up with me in February of this year. It was long distance. Now, we’re still long distance but he has asked to be friends with benefits. I agreed at first but it makes me feel terrible. He got mad at me for jokingly saying something and told me to shut up and he regretted contacting me. I was hurt by this. Today he messaged me saying he thought I was looking down on him by saying that, and I told him I wasn’t. He said he often felt inferior and that led to a long emotional coversation. He then said if I agreed to friends with benefits in hopes of getting him back it wasn’t going to work, that he would never love me again and that he wouldn’t get in a relationship with me. He said it made him feel terrible for writing this but that it was the truth. I lied and said I didn’t want to get him back that I just wanted to be there for him as a friend. We talked about certain things that I shouldn’t have allowed after what he said. What should I do if I even want to start repairing our friendship? Is it possible to even get him back after so long? He’s in love with someone else who said she needed time to think but never gave him an answer. I have tried NC for two weeks once, and he acted very strangely. He sent me several messages in a row and commented on my posts. I feel like if I were to do it again he would just block me. I really need help with this. I’ve read several of the articles, but I’m not sure about what I should do.

    (Sorry for commenting twice. I put the wrong email the first time.)

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Julia,

      Do you want to restart nc and follow the advice above? If he blocks you, so be it. It’s better than to continue losing self respect

    • Julia says:

      Hello. Thank you for responding. Yesterday he started to act out of line and said he wanted me to continue the benefits part of our relationship but he didn’t want to stay friends because it was too much of an emotional rollercoaster. He stated that be had given me more chances than anyone and that he was tired of getting mad at me. The thing that had made him this upset was me calling him cupcake. This was not meant to be hurtful in anyway so I don’t really get why he’s acting this way. After saying he doesn’t care and hearing people say much much worse to him it just strikes me as weird. He also brought up that he lashed out at me the most and didn’t even act this way with people who purposely caused him harm.He said I frustrated him and he was scared of becoming livid at me and saying something hurtful he couldn’t take back. This was someone I had always been there for. Someone started a smear campaign against him basically and he still wanted to be friends with them. His behavior started coming off as extremely immature. I asked if all he felt when talking to me were bad feelings. He responded with they were either that or sexual. This was a hurtful comment after I have done my best to be nice and civil to this person. I still care about him since we have been friends for a while and a part of me does love him. I just don’t get it. After that he mentioned that he wanted to continue to read the short stories and the book I was working on because he had nothing but respect for me as an author. I ended the conversation by saying I needed time to think and that I should never have stooped down to this level. He immediately responded back with that he needed to know if it was goodbye. After I said I wasn’t sure he went to a social media website we both used (and were on everyday) and said he wouldn’t be using his account because he didn’t see the point of it if I wasn’t talking to him. Although he didn’t flat out use my name.

      Just two weeks ago he was complimenting me constantly and saying that if it wasn’t long distance we would still be together. He said this after getting wrapped up in work and his social life so he wasn’t able to talk to me for a week. The sudden change over something like that confuses me.

      I’m on day one of no contact, but I do still want him back despite all of this. He’s incredibly stubborn. I feel that I may have put him in a position of power after begging when our relationship was over (months ago) and agreeing to friends with benefits. I know that he’s very physically attracted to me and he does enjoy my writing to the point he asks for more and gets excited if I send him a chapter of something I’m working on early. During NC I already made plans to attend a few musicals, art classes, and spend time with friends. I plan on improving myself. I just want to know what I should do afterwards so I can prepare?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Just a reminder, nc means no replying too nor commenting back to his comments on your posts if he does.check this one:
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

    • Julia says:

      I had sent a message on Snap a week before starting no contact. My ex never bothered to look at it because it was just a text and not something “visual.” Around four days into NC (I’m on day nine now) he opened it and put a question mark like I had sent it that day. He also watched my story and sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk or if I needed more time. I did’t respond to any of this, but I was wondering if I needed to restart NC from the beginning because of that message on Snap.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      nope, no need.

  7. Julia says:

    My ex broke up with me in February of this year. It was long distance. Now, we’re still long distance but he has asked to be friends with benefits. I agreed at first but it makes me feel terrible. He got mad at me for jokingly saying something and told me to shut up and he regretted contacting me. I was hurt by this. Today he messaged me saying he thought I was looking down on him by saying that, and I told him I wasn’t. He said he often felt inferior and that led to a long emotional coversation. He then said if I agreed to friends with benefits in hopes of getting him back it wasn’t going to work, that he would never love me again and that he wouldn’t get in a relationship with me. He said it made him feel terrible for writing this but that it was the truth. I lied and said I didn’t want to get him back that I just wanted to be there for him as a friend. We talked about certain things that I shouldn’t have allowed after what he said. What should I do if I even want to start repairing our friendship? Is it possible to even get him back after so long? He’s in love with someone else who said she needed time to think but never gave him an answer. I have tried NC for two weeks once, and he acted very strangely. He sent me several messages in a row and commented on my posts. I feel like if I were to do it again he would just block me. I really need help with this. I’ve read several of the articles, but I’m not sure about what I should do.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Julia,

      Do you want to restart nc and follow the advice above? If he blocks you, so be it. It’s better than to continue losing self respect

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