Breakups are rarely neat and tidy.
Very rarely does a relationship end with one party saying “You know what, Jane, this isn’t really working for me, I think it needs to end,” and the other party saying “No hard feelings, John! I wish you all the best in your life. Stay in touch!”
Ha. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Breakups result in a lot of hurt feelings most of the time. They’re messy, complicated, and one of the things that can make it all even messier is sex.
It’s not uncommon for exes to come back together to do “the deed” a few times after a relationship has ended. It’s familiar and comfortable, you’re both sad, neither of you know when the next time is that you’ll get laid…
The problem is, if you want your ex back, sleeping with him is absolutely NOT the answer.
It may seem like if you can get him feeling emotionally connected and remind him of how hot you and your moves are, you can get him to commit, but that is not the case.
The thing is, many guys don’t equate sex with emotional intimacy as much as women do (I won’t say all, because I’ve dated a few guys who do in fact view sex as something with an emotional component).
In season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I’m a HUGE Buffy fan so bear with me,) Buffy, now a freshman at University of California, Sunnydale, begins talking to this insufferable upper classman named Parker Abrams.
They end up sleeping together and then he totally brushes her off, and then badmouths her to some of the other guys, saying:
“The difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat is that the toilet seat doesn’t follow you around after you use it.”
Ouch. Harsh. Luckily, Riley punches him in the face, and a few episodes later, Buffy (in cavewoman form) gets to take out her anger on him as well.
Now, I don’t use the above quote to make anyone feel bad. Some guys are really, really awful – they’re the problem, not you. You don’t want to date those guys anyway.
The only reason I give this example is because this actually is some guys’ mentality about casual sex. Buffy thought that she and Parker had an emotional connection, and so she slept with him. She thought it was a form of commitment. So when she later sees Parker laying down the exact same moves on another girl, she is understandably confused and hurt.
Now, Buffy didn’t do anything WRONG. Let me stress that there is NOTHING wrong with casual sex. But she didn’t want casual. She had been manipulated by Parker into thinking that they had something special. She thought that sleeping together was the next step in their committed relationship. She didn’t get that in his mind, it was a casual, one night thing.
You know that saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I always hated that saying. It was always brought up when our elders were explaining why we girls shouldn’t have sex with guys.
But you know what? There is some truth to it. I hate to admit it, but there is. If a guy can sleep with us without commitment, why in the world would he commit?
The problem with hooking up with your ex is that it removed the very important “playing hard to get” cards from the table. And that can be such a valuable tool when you are trying to get your ex back. Trust me, I know. I’m in the midst of employing the method now, and I think many of the ladies in our facebook group would tell you that I’m doing a pretty good job of it.
So, in this article, we are going to be talking about what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you are wanting to get your ex boyfriend back, but find yourself hooking up with him occasionally. Or worse, in a full on friends with benefits situation.
This didn’t surprise you, did it? The first step is to absolutely break the cycle of sleeping with your ex. I know it feels good physically (I mean…if he’s doing his job right), and I know it feels like a high to be so emotionally close to him. I know it can be hard to indulge in self control.
But you must stop.
Don’t put yourself in situations where you two are alone in a private place. If he suggests sleeping together, give him a sexy smile, just shake your head and/or say no. Begin playing hard to get. It could confuse him for a bit and he may press you, but just remain pleasant and aloof.
What I would NOT recommend doing would be placing an ultimatum (i.e. “either we get back together, or I stop sleeping with you”). No one likes to be cornered, and ultimatums rarely work. In fact, you really risk him getting angry if you make him feel like he has to make a choice.
Remember: Ideally, we want him to ask for you back, not the other way around.
Employ No Contact
I cannot say enough good things about No Contact.
I’ve seen it work so many times, I’m convinced that it is magic.
I won’t tell you how to employ the No Contact Rule, as there is plenty of information on the site about that, but I will talk about why No Contact can be especially useful in a situation where you are hooking up with your ex, but wanting him to commit.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder (Wow, I’m using a lot of old time clichés in this article – sorry).
It’s a cliché, though, because it’s true. Think about it – You’ve gone from being in your ex’s life, rocking his world, he thinks you’re on good terms, and then, you disappear. Nothing to make a guy miss you like pulling the rug out from under him and vanishing from his life.
Not having you (and your rocking bod and killer moves) in his life after feeling like he was getting it with no effort may make him start to re-think things.
One of the things you could try doing could be to “break off” the understanding that the two of you have. The lovely and incomparable Jennifer (Chris’ wife, and an essential staple of the facebook group) came up with this method, but it is a bit risky.
It can’t be used in a lot of circumstances, so I would recommend asking someone on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery team if it would be appropriate for your situation before using it.
In this instance, you want to make your ex feel like you’re breaking off the understanding that the two of you have, which will make them feel rejected and want to chase you more.
You could say something like:
“You know, John, this has been fun and all, but I’m seeing a couple of people, and I really want to direct my time and energy there.”
Again, this can be risky (because he could be thinking along the same lines), so please seek advice before using this method.
Satisfaction + Your Value + Investment = Commitment
In a recent podcast episode titled “Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To“, Chris discusses the Interdependence Theory and the three factors that it takes to make a guy realize that committing to you will be the best choice he ever made.
Your ex needs to feel satisfied with your relationship. So what can you do to make sure that he feels a high level of satisfaction with your past and present relationship?
- Keep your interactions light and positive
- Bring up positive memories from the relationship
- Support him mentally and emotionally
- Do things that he mentioned in the relationship that he always liked/appreciated
The key here is to drive home all the positive points of the relationship so that when he looks back, he goes “Oh yeah. Jane was an awesome girlfriend.”
Your ex needs to feel like you are the best possible option for him. He needs to see that everyone else out there pales in comparison to you. So what are some ways that you can up your value in his eyes?
- Take care of yourself emotionally, physically, emotionally to be the best Ungettable Girl you can be
- Keep your emotions in check – don’t do unreasonable things that will push him away
- Always look smoking hot and play a little hard to get (remember, cow before the milk!)
- Don’t get discouraged if you see him out there dating. This can work to your advantage (In fact, I told my ex about a horror story I recently witnessed at a bar, just to drive home the point of how crazy awful the dating world can be. It worked. He was horrified).
As Chris mentions in the episode, sometimes your guy breaking up with you is a good thing because they see that the alternatives that are out there are not better than you, and they come running back begging you to take them back and save them from the crazy world of single-dom.
The final point is investment. Your ex needs to feel invested in the relationship. This means giving you his effort, time, and money. So what can you do to make your ex invest in you?
- See what you can do to make him emotionally open up and feel close to you
- Let him initiate. Don’t feel like you have to be in contact every day. Back off sometimes and make him extend the effort
- Drop hints – about a place you want to go to dinner, wanting flowers, needing favors done around the house, etc.
- Make his time around you the most enjoyable so that he will want to spend more time with you again as soon as possible
My ex has been investing in me a lot lately – initiating all conversations, buying our meals, wanting to see me all the time. When we are together I accept all of this graciously and thank him, and I do what I can to get him opening up to me so that we can feel emotionally closer. Keep tabs on the different ways that your guy likes to invest, as all guys are different.
What to do if you have a slip up
So, you’re doing your thing, being your best self, as Ungettable as can be. Then – whoops – you have a slip up.
You sleep with your ex. It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world, either.
What matters is how you behave in the direct aftermath of the deed. Like, RIGHT after.
My last breakup before this one, I had a slip up.
But I think I handled it in a way that allowed me to keep the power. Guys expect you to be all emotional and clingy after you sleep with them, so if you aren’t, it’s kind of surprising. As soon as we finished, I got up, put my clothes on, and was ready to go.
He walked me out to my car, and I joked the entire way, not being emotional at all. I said goodbye, and he leaned in to kiss me. I jerked back and said “what are you doing?” he stood there blinking, a perplexed look on his face. “Well, now I’m confused,” he said softly to himself, shaking his head.
As I drove away, I said out loud to myself, “that was the point.”
I did a similar thing with my most current ex, and got almost the exact same result.
It’s not the end of the world if you sleep with your ex, but you have to handle it as unemotionally as possible.
Women are the gatekeepers to sex.
That gives us the power.
You know that Greek play, Lysistrata?
The women of the village go on a sex strike to force their husbands to negotiate for peace during the Peloponnesian War.
It’s a comedy, but Aristophanes was on to something, and sex strikes have been used by women historically as a means to gain political leverage.
Sex is power, and in cases where you are trying to get someone to commit, not having it is what gives you the most power of all.
People want what they can’t have. Men love the chase.
So if you’re still hooking up with your ex, stop immediately, consider a No Contact period, and think about how you can implement the equation above to get your ex to realize that you’ve been the only girl for him all along.
(This article was written by Rachel)