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106 thoughts on “How Do I Get My Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend Back?”

  1. Brooke

    May 3, 2017 at 1:24 am

    Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 7 years now. About a month ago he came back after trying to be with someone else, telling me he doesn’t feel a connection with her like he does with me and that he feels he will never feel that connection with anyone else. We were doing great and he started calling me his girlfriend and telling everyone about me. We had a few arguments and after the last one, which we both agreed was dumb, he shut down and started pushing me away. On Sunday, he told me he feels he’s not ready for a relationship and that he can’t give me what I need right now. He told me he doesn’t like being on his phone (we live an hour away so a lot of our relationship is over the phone) and he doesn’t know when he can make time for me. He said that when he’s with me all he wants to do is hug me and love me and call me his girlfriend, but when we’re not he doesn’t know how to act cause he’s not ready to compromise and communicate. He wants to be friends and as he said, “take a step back and take things slow”, he cried and told me he hates hurting me but doesn’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m lost on how to handle this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:29 pm

  2. Leeanne

    April 22, 2017 at 11:43 am

    Hi. I was with a guy for 1 year. He pursued me intensly at the beginning and when I backed off he continued until he eventually won me over. His last relationship of 1 year ended because she wanted matriage and kids he couldn’t give her straight answer so it ended and they remained friends. Years before that he went through a bad divorce and admits he gets scared when he gets close. I ended it few months back because the way he was was making me anxious and his uncertainty was driving me mad but I instantly regretted it and the chase from him stopped. We got back together about a few weeks later because sane issues kept coming up. I begged, texted a billion times, my anxiety soared, I had personal issues going on too and everything got too much. He has been working away for 2 months bur I’ve bombarded him with texts no calls just texts, sometimes replies sometimes doesn’t. He tells me he cannot give me what I want. I’m on day 3 of no contact. I’ve been on a date and I’m gradually feeling like my old self. What should I do? Move on??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 28, 2017 at 5:48 pm

      Finish no first..keep healing and improving..and then slowly build rapport after. If it doesn’t work, move on..

  3. Martha

    March 28, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    Hi, I got my ex back using the no contact.
    We got back together and we were great for a while, then the ups and downs again.
    I have a small child, so my time is limited woth doing my things that I was doing in NC. I felt it was very hard to get a balance and either way the relationship would end of suffering.
    He is a commitment phobe. So after reading this I am thinking he is gone for good.
    Can I do ND again? I’ve read the article about on/off relationships. I am happy to do 45 days Nc. But just wanted you opinion and maybe some advise specifically for my situation as I’ve already done your game plan with the NC, txts, phone calls, dates, recovery.
    Also, it’s hard to “keep it fun” when you have a child and limited time to see each other
    Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 29, 2017 at 11:39 am

      Hi Martha,

      do it one last time if you will, if it doesn’t work out, it would be better to move on than to tire yourself to keep trying.

  4. Sammy j

    February 23, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Hi,
    Thanks but we already have, hence confronting our previous issues, my problem is moving on from that now as a commitment phobic. Everything he ever said was a lie, I dont believe anything he says now so how do I get past this? Even with anyone new I will have the same trust and commitment issues. Do I break nc & how? What is there left to say? Is there any point? This has got to be the most unfixable exbf recovery yet?!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 23, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      You know yourself. You just have to be clear and take ownership. Ask yourself why, list it down and I think you need to have a personal professional counselor. Because in that way, it would be easier for you and your doctor to figure stuff about you that you can’t understand or don’t know how to understand. We can help you, but not as effectively as someone who really talks to you personally.

  5. Sammy j

    February 22, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    I am now the commitment phobe. Sadly made awful mistakes in our marriage, we got divorced. He has been living a double life, lying and cheating since, yet our relationship changed- for the better having to confront our issues, he is desperate to move forward and do everything different, proper this time, but I don’t trust him or believe him, I pick fights and disapear, I told him to leave me alone and I’m now 25 days nc. Is it worth breaking? I don’t Do any social media. I have dated other guys for my benefit only and have no other interest on them, i simply don’t want them like I want him. True to his word he has stayed away. I can’t think of how, why or what to say to break nc, we are what we have done to each other, if we move onto new relationships then these are our rebounds, my trust and lack of commitment issues ensue again therefore failure will arise yet again?! Is it ever posible to repair and recover from so much hurt? I swore I’d never get divorced- no one in my family has remained married to the same person, my ex husband was traumatised and now I can’t imagine ever wanting to get married again, I told him I can’t see past tomorrow or making plans for next weekend, just talking about a holiday for next year had me running away again! I just can’t let anyone get that close to hurt me so badly again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 23, 2017 at 1:30 am

      Hi Sammy j,

      why don’t you both go to counseling?

  6. Jenna

    February 17, 2017 at 4:09 am

    Hi Amor
    I sent a reply… it said waiting for moderation and now it’d gone

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 17, 2017 at 1:55 pm

      Hi Jenna,

      I’m not sure why it disappeared but I didnt erase your comment.. I’ll paste my latest reply there here..

      because he will notice the pattern..he’ll think you’ll go back after some silence because that’s what always happens and feelings fade over time too..
      be active in improving yourself, make him regret through your improvements. So, be active in posting in social media.. If he doesn’t like confrontations, that means you have to talk to him calmly with every disagreement..but after nc, you can’t fight with him because you’re trying to build rapport..

  7. Jenna

    February 16, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    Hi
    We have been semi living together for almost 4 years…I still keep my own place…every 2-3 months he gets mad at some stupid thing and says get out go.. home… does the ignoring thing..I will usually be the 1 to come crawling back….. this time I broke up with him…and have 0 contact for 3 weeks… my question…..is I’ve done the NC before….things go right back to the way they were..should I do a longer NC

    1. Jenna

      February 17, 2017 at 3:42 pm

      Hi Amor
      He is not on any social media.
      Do you have any other suggestions. I also need help with what to say in my first text

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 17, 2017 at 9:00 pm

      that’s ok.. once he gets curious he’ll check your account, and he has to see posts there because that’s your indirect way of showing you’re not moping around, just waiting for him. check this:
      Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)

    3. Jenna

      February 17, 2017 at 2:16 am

      Hi Amor
      Can you explain.. why that is. He is always the one that ignores me. Not sure what to do..This time I broke up with him. I told him not to contact me. Which is what he usually does over nothing. He thinks people should never argue or disagree. He ignored his mother and several friends for years over nothing.What should I do.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 17, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      because he will notice the pattern..he’ll think you’ll go back after some silence because that’s what always happens and feelings fade over time too..
      be active in improving yourself, make him regret through your improvements. So, be active in posting in social media.. If he doesn’t like confrontations, that means you have to talk to him calmly with every disagreement..but after nc, you can’t fight with him because you’re trying to build rapport..

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 9:49 pm

      Hi Jenna,

      the more you do nc, the less it can help but yes, that means you have to do a longer one this time..

  8. Ella

    February 15, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    I started dating a good friend of mine recently, and things were going great. I’ve known him a long time and dating just felt like a natural progression. After nearly a month, he stayed over and things got more intimate (but no sex). We had made plans to sleep together the following week. 3 days later he broke up with me out of nowhere, saying he didn’t want to commit to a relationship and that he thought we should end things before they went further, and then he was surprised when I was upset. He wanted to go right back to our friendship, but they’re so awkward now it’s just not possible. I sat him down and explained how I was hurt and how I would be keeping him at a distance from now on to protect myself. I miss him and aside from his phobia of commitment we’re very well suited. Can I get him back and how?

    1. Ella

      February 16, 2017 at 2:50 pm

      He knows I have my own life and my social media is the same as always-I’ve gone on a few trips and done some fun things etc. He says he doesn’t want any relationship right now but he was the one who initiated dating so I think he’s freaked out about committing, but I can’t just be friends anymore

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 8:10 pm

      that’s not a good.. that was just a week ago.. it’s a very small chance I admit and I think you need to extend nc or restart and do one last 30 days. Because he just said he doesn’t want a relationship, it’s like he doesn’t want you to expect, so he’s getting it out of the way now. You can’t control him so, the best step is to make him regret by improving yourself more, date others too. It’s not a guarantee but that’s only way that can help you avoid being friendzoned now and to at least not look like you’re chasing him.

    3. Ella

      February 16, 2017 at 2:48 pm

      He knows I have my own life and my social media is the same as always-I’ve gone on a few trips and done some fun things etc. He says he doesn’t want any relationship right now but he was the one who initiated dating so I think he’s freaked out about committing.

    4. Ella

      February 16, 2017 at 10:14 am

      The thing is, I saw him last week (been 3 weeks since the breakup) and he said he made the right decision to stay single and that he just really wants to keep me as a close friend. We haven’t talked since. But how do I get him to change his mind? His last relationship ended very badly and he keeps bringing that up as a reason to not date.

    5. Ella

      February 15, 2017 at 10:13 pm

      Well when we talked last week (been 3 weeks since the breakup) , he said he made the right choice to stay single as his last relationship ended badly. We haven’t talked since, but is there any way to show him that dating me was not a bad idea? He wavered several times before we started datingbut I assumed that he had gotten over it since we actually dated after that, but now I don’t now how to get him back.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 1:32 pm

      but how much did you improve and how active were you in posting in social media? If he thinks it’s too fast, then he has to be interested again and see that you have your own life..

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      HI Ella,

      I think he just thought things were moving too fast. It’s too early to say he’s a commitment phobe.. But right now, if you’re going to do nc, just do 3 weeks.

  9. JHS

    February 10, 2017 at 9:36 am

    Hi Chris,

    I have been in a weird relationship for a really long time. It was on-off like Ross and Rachel. We know each other since school so almost 12 years. and we dated for almost 4 years. The sad part is that it was always long distance. He is USA since 4 years and I live in India. He used to visit India to meet his parents and friends for one month every year. that is when we meet and spend some time together. We indeed kiss and get intimate. He was never 100% sure about his future with me. But he respects me a lot and appreciates my progress in career. Compliments me sometimes for my looks. According to him I am just perfect. There was a time when he cheated on me for 2 months. He soon broke up with her. I figured this out after 8 months. I was really upset and started to believe that he would have cheated on me millions of times since he is too far. I blocked him everywhere honestly. He sent me emails to convince me to forgive him. Called me every other day. He realised how important I was for him. He asked me to marry him but i was so upset that I would hardly reply to him or answer his calls. He then visited India and I broke in front of him. I forgave him and asked him what’s next now. He said he shall talk to his parents now. He told me they will surely accept me and we’ll get engaged soon. But they did not. He is very tall 6′ feet and I am just 5’2. In India parents choose the bride. He tried to convince them even after he went back. I met his family just so they could judge me if I am fit to be in their family. They simply didn’t like me. Maybe they are against love marriage. He tried to make them understand that i am important for him, but then had to give up against his father’s emotions. Throughout this year, we fought a lot and I tried NC lot of times. i have blocked him everywhere. But he will call me or email me whenever he wants to talk. I told him I am going to be available for him whenever he wants. He is back in Inida. We meet, we kiss, we get intimate. He says he loves me. But he is seeing other girls for an arrange marriage. He asked me to move on. He said we can be nothing more than friends and you need to accept this. He also said that I need you in my life in any form. If love did not materialise into marriage, it is okay. But honestly for me it is not okay. He will be leaving back in 10 days. I want him to change his decision. If he gets engaged in next 10 days. I will have no option but to move on. But if he doesn’t (which he said he won’t) what should I do to win him back? Please help me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2017 at 7:13 pm

      Hi JHS,

      you need to stop allowing other people treat you in the way you dont want to. If he’s going to marry someone else, move on.. If not,.make him work for you. If he still seeing other women while seeing you, move on.. because what you allow will happen. If he can see you’re ok with what he’s doing, of course he knows you don’t like it, but you’re still present in his life, so why change right?

  10. Lisa

    February 6, 2017 at 11:21 pm

    Hi Chris and Amor,
    Please help me! I’m so bummed right now:/ I am the same Lisa who commented on this post a few days ago . So I sent my first contact message on Saturday (2 days ago) and after a few hours received a positive response from him . I then waited a little and replied by ending the convo. The first day was a success ( at least I thought ). Yesterday on day 2 I gave it a break As per PRO’s guidelines . Today day 3 I sent another text and it’s going on 5 hours with no response ! I’m so bummed I really thought things were going smooth so why no response when he responded positively to my first text after no contact :/ I know you have to follow ABI ( always be interesting ) and I really feel I was ! Here’s what I sent :
    How about that overtime ?! Making super bowl history what what ! Then sent a bitmoji that said touchdown with a football Bc we always sent bitmojis to each other …..Where in the world did I go wrong ??? I thought that was a pretty good text Bc I know he was so excited about the super bowls outcome ( based on looking at his fb through my friends page). So what happened ???!!! Is it possible that he only responded positively to the first contact messssge Bc he thought I was just trying to be friendly but now that I sent another one he caught on to what’s going on and doesn’t want to reply ?? What’s my next course of action ?? Please help

    1. Lisa

      February 9, 2017 at 5:55 pm

      Hi ,
      So In a week im going to try again to initiate a first contact text message . He responded to my first contact text message but then he didn’t respond to the second message I sent and yesterday I sent a simple happy birthday to your mom and no response. I’m beginning to lose all hope . Once he responded to my first contact text I was thinking positively and now I’m not . But anyway , what if he still doesn’t respond after I Text him again in a week ? How will I know when it’s time to move on?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      Sure, I’ll forward this to Chris but I can’t promise he can answer immediately. Usually, when you’ve gotten three negative or answered texts, that’s when you should really move on.

    3. Lisa

      February 9, 2017 at 12:08 am

      Hi ,
      So I am going to wait a week and try again . I sent him a text saying happy birthday to your mom and he didn’t even respond to that . It’s just so weird how he responded so positively to the first contact message after no contact and then nothing after that ! I would love if Chris could also chime in himself too would be nice to get both perspectives . Just stinks Bc after seeing such a positive reply it really got my hopes up but now I’m feeling like there’s no hope . So I’m going to follow what u said amor and wait a week to try another first contact text message but what happens after that if he doesn’t reply? How will I know when to really just move on ?

    4. Lisa

      February 8, 2017 at 1:37 am

      Hi ,
      Sorry to bother you again I promise this is my last message I really appreciate all your help ! So his moms birthday is tomorrow and I was just thinking about sending a general “happy birthday to your mom ” and nothing else text and then after that wait a week before trying another first contact text . Now I know if I was still in no contact I wouldn’t be able to do this but since I’m technically not in no contact am I able to do this ? Or do you think it’s better if I just don’t ? Thanks so much promise this is my last one !

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2017 at 12:36 pm

      It’s ok you can ask as many as you want! 🙂 Yeah, I think it’s ok to do that.

    6. Lisa

      February 7, 2017 at 10:32 pm

      Thanks for the reply! Have you ever seen a situation like this where he replies positively after first contact then the second time he doesn’t respond at all? It seems strange to me and is making me lose hope 🙁 also , after I wait a week and initiate again should I use the format of first contact text message with only sending 2 texts or can I skip to second contact message with 3 texts since he already responded to my first contact message not my second ? Please help !

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2017 at 12:33 am

      you’re welcome! yes, there are..usually the guy is not sure if the girl has really moved on..use the first contact format

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2017 at 6:31 pm

      Hi Lisa,

      wait 5 days or a week before initiating again..maybe he is thinking..during the week, go back to being active in posting

  11. Anna

    February 6, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    This article describes my ex so well. Every time he would tell me he loved me he would disappear for a week and then come back like nothing had happened. I gave him an ultimatum and he broke up with me, that was 5 months ago now and I haven’t heard from him since. He was following all my social media accounts (until I blocked him) and reads all my messages but won’t reply. I deleted him on facebook. Should I add him again? do commitment phobes always come back?

    1. Anna

      February 21, 2017 at 2:25 pm

      I found that he started seeing someone right after we broke up. Should I confront him about it? If I send him an angry message telling him I don’t wish to see him again, will this push him away for good or make him want to come back?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 21, 2017 at 11:55 pm

      don’t, confronting and being angry will probably push him away..

    3. Anna

      February 6, 2017 at 7:40 pm

      Should I re-add him on facebook?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      nope..just unblock him..re add him later when you’ve already built rapport

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 6, 2017 at 5:06 pm

      Hi Anna,

      not always always but you should definitely unblock him

  12. Steven

    February 4, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    Texted after 30 days and she got a new phone and asked who it was…
    Here’s the text.
    Me-“you will not believe what I saw yesterday…
    Her- I got a new phone, who’s this
    Me- Steve
    Long pause- Me- I’m sorry I didn’t mean any harm.
    Her- why are you texting me.
    Me- I was at my friend’s house and they have an iguana named Magnum and it made me miss you.

    I know I should not have finished but I’ll give her another week or two before trying to make my 2/3 attempt. Feeling sad but by that time I will be moved from this city I despise.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Steven,

      go back to being active in social media after that.. be active in posting your activities, because that’s your indirect way of showing you have a life, and that you’re not always thinking about her

  13. Lisa

    February 4, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    Hi , I sent my first contact message this is what I sent:

    You’re not going to believe what I just heard from a friend . I heard they are opening up a snowboard and ski shop locally . It made me think of you . I know how much you like snowboarding and skiing . Hope you’re doing well and hope your dad is also doing well .

    He responded a couple hours later :
    That’s awesome! Thanks for letting me know and thank you. My family is doing great. I hope all is well.

    What do you think ? Would this be considered a positive response ? Is it normal that he didn’t say anything in his response to keep the convo going?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      Hi lisa,

      yes that’s a positive response and yes it’s common that they don’t initiate a topic at first contact

  14. Sandra

    February 3, 2017 at 10:51 pm

    I’ve been casually dating a commitmentphobe for 6 months (we were seeing each other once a week). He’s a classic case, blows hot and cold. I feel like he’s definitely in love with me but whenever he feels close he pulls back. Also throw into the mix– he is super successful and about to become astronomically successful and I think his head is swelling. I’m a brainiac like he is and have my own interesting thing going on– and am as hot as the dumb girls that populate my city– so I definitely qualify as ungettable. We didn’t have any break up but he started pulling away more– I suspected he was dating other women (we never had a talk) so I pulled way back let it subtley implied I might be dating others. His reaction to that seems to be to hookup even more using the apps– like multiple women a week I hear. I don’t think he’s going to easily find a connection like we have and if this is a phase so be it but I’m not sure what to do– I’ve been doing NC for a week (no attempt made on his part either). Is there any hood of resuscitating? Or in casual situations will the guy with lots of options simply easily forget and move on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 4, 2017 at 12:09 pm

      Hi Sandra,

      there’s a high chance that he will just move on especially if you have been doing this for a long time that he had already viewed you as somebody who is just there whenever he wants to. That’s very good that you’re an ungettable girl but if he thinks you’re just threatening him that you’re going to date others then that explains why he just opts to match your “threats”.. It’s hard with those kind of guys but I really believe it’s only when a person feels he will really lose someone great because they know they dont meet the standards of that person, will they start to value or change…because other than that, if they are not willing to change, they will just accept and let go and then regret later on

  15. Nana

    February 3, 2017 at 4:12 am

    Chinese new year. No particular reason for ignoring, probably because he doesn’t really celebrate it (added to the fact that he’s really not the type to reply a lot unless excited or important, even to his bros or friends.) I just popped him a quick message a while ago asking if he’s not busy (supposedly for a quick favor online in a site) but he was out so he wasn’t able to help me in that small thing. It’s been 9 hours and he hasn’t messaged back to ask what it was or whatever so I might have to do no contact unless something happens… is that the appropriate thing to do immediately?

    There’s a major event on March anyway where the both of us have to communicate so I guess a no contact during this time is appropriate (cuz I’ve become busy too these days.) After the no contact, I’ll just carry on right? Just be my normal “quality” self and not apologize for disappearing for 30 days?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2017 at 5:44 pm

      if you’re going to do nc, that means you can only talk to him if you need to exchange important stuff or other very important matters that cannot wait and only talk about that. no, social media stalking too.. just focus in improving yourself and be active in posting too.. but other than that, ignore him.. after nc, continue improving yourself while building rapport with him..

  16. Cara

    February 2, 2017 at 2:10 am

    This article resonated with me tremendously and is hands down one of the best articles on guys who are commitment phobes, whereas other articles online tend to demonize them and just chalk it up to them being “players’ or men who will never change. I think it hit on a very important real life issue and that is….Anxiety , it’s a real disorder that requires therapy and yes men can have Anxiety related to commitment. I think it’s like bungee rope jumping for some people…..really scary and they feel like they are losing control.
    For me, I have been in no contact with my commitment phobe for over 4 months and he has come back and got scared away a few times. (Not intentionally on my part) This time he’s not even trying to text me occassionally, or I knew he was still somewhat in the game when he’d “like” a facebook picture. So I’m not sure there’s much else I can do besides keep improving myself and act like I’m not into him. I feel like it’s hopeless at this point. I think he correlates my being on Facebook often as me checking up on him, so I’m trying to figure out how to stay off and make my friends communicate with me in other ways. But I know he monitors my FB .
    Anyhow, very awesome and insightful article. Thanks Ashley!!

  17. Nana

    February 1, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    Me and a guy (we aren’t in a relationship but we’re casually dating and sort of exclusive) had a day of being a little more emotionally intimate (not sexual, only involved him giving me a gift and me showing appreciation and got the both of us really mushy and happy). Our casual dating involves things more on hobbies than anything super romantic. But we do have some sparkly moments and sweet moments because we’re attracted to each other. We didn’t speak for a few days and I greeted him about a yearly celebration (my culture, not his. But I greeted anyway) He hasn’t responded to that for a week. Valentine’s coming up and I wanted to give him a light, simple non-intimate greeting. Is this a bad idea? Given that he hasn’t responded to my previous greeting e-card? I want to greet him on Valentine’s but I do not want him to feel like I’m clingy or he might want his space. But I could be overthinking this because he may have forgotten to reply for important reasons. I was thinking of waiting until the last minute of Valentine’s before I greet him in case he decides to greet, but he’s the shy type who really isn’t very invested in replying/responding to people unless he deems it important or necessary. What does EBR think? What high value behavior can I do?

    1. Nana

      February 2, 2017 at 11:27 am

      around 3-4 months though we have known/are acquainted with each other longer. Just got closer recently. I am 26 and he is 23

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 2, 2017 at 8:31 pm

      what yearly occasion is that? why did he ignore you after it? if you’re going to do the no contact rule, that means you can’t send him valentine measages

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 1, 2017 at 3:29 pm

      Hi Nana,

      how long have you been cAsually dating and how old are you both?

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