When you’ve been in this business as long as I have you encounter a lot of different situations. One of the most beautiful things about this baptism by fire is you start to notice certain trends. For instance, each and every situation is unique and while I’ve tried to create a framework that unites everything under one set of rules humans are too complicated to allow that.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of interview Rachel, she’s one of our success stories and she had what you might think is one of the most difficult situations to navigate, long distance.

So after an hour of interviewing her I learned some really interesting things she did and I’m hopeful that if you’re in a long distance relationship you can get a lot from this.

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How Rachel Got Her Long Distance Ex Back

Chris Seiter:
Okay, today we’re going to be talking to Rachael who I have the pleasure of talking to. She’s one of our success stories, and we were talking a little bit before we started recording a bit about how she did things differently and she admitted she broke the no contact rule multiple times, so we’re eager to hear about that. But mostly what we’d like to do is get to the bottom of what Rachael did that’s different from everyone else who isn’t succeeding in winning their exes back. So, first off, how are you doing, Rachael?

Rachael:
I’m good, you know? This is a last minute thing and we just popped in here.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, it was very organic how it worked out. So, I’m pretty sure that you showed up to a few of the Facebook lives, am I remembering that right?

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
So, there’s so many people that show up it’s hard for me to… I just have the little thumbnail you know they have on Facebook?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
And if they change the thumbnail I’m confused again, so I’m pretty sure I remember your thumbnail so I think I remember a bit of your situation. You did not have a really easy break up, did you?

Rachael:
I’ve been in about three serious relationships and was actually probably the worst break up I’ve ever had.

Chris Seiter:
So, what-

Rachael:
I was in a new low.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so why don’t you tell us a little bit about how the break up occurred first off before we kind of get into what you did?

Rachael:
Okay. So, me and my now boyfriend because we got back together, but he was in the military and he just got out this summer so we’ve been long distance for a year and a half.

Chris Seiter:
So, he got back from being deployed, is that what you’re saying?

Rachael:
He ended his contract with the military so he’s officially out.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so he quit. He quit the military?

Rachael:
He’s now back being a college student. Yes.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so he’s back to the daily grind of being the college kid?

Rachael:
Yes. Sort of, because with COVID.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the COVID thing kind of… So, it’s more like a digital college from what-

Rachael:
Like what we’re doing basically. He’s-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, basically what we’re-

Rachael:
… actually here this morning doing classes on his laptop, so.

Chris Seiter:
Oh. Okay. So, he’s in the military, he quits the military, and I’m assuming this spawns a break up of some sort?

Rachael:
Oh, actually, no. He was still in the military when we had all this process.

Chris Seiter:
Got it. Okay.

Rachael:
Yes, and he came back to where I’m at in the beginning of July. The break up actually was in February. So, I was getting at, so he was in a desert somewhere and his grandmother had passed. And it was basically his second mother, he lived with her for a few years, and she had passed unexpectedly when he was out in the desert so they actually had to emergency… Red Cross had to get involved and bring him back for the funeral. And I at the time was going through a really stressful time at work. I was working 60 hour weeks and I kind of just… Yeah, it was not fun. This was pre-COVID-

Chris Seiter:
60 hours weeks?

Rachael:
Yeah, it was pre-COVID so it was, you know, I’m in the hospitality industry so it was popping at the time and now it’s dead.

Chris Seiter:
Well, that took a change.

Rachael:
Now, it’s dead. So, I basically had a mental breakdown at the worst time possible. It was-

Chris Seiter:
So, define mental breakdown, when you say mental breakdown what are some of the symptoms that you exhibit?

Rachael:
So, he was back with his family and I have a dog and I was going to come up and stay with his family for a couple days while they were doing the funeral and I was going to bring my dog… I was asking if I could bring my animal with me and he was like, “Sure, let me just ask my family,” and for some reason that… I have a interesting relationship with his mother, she’s not my biggest fan, so when he was like, “I’m going to ask her,” I was like, “No, I don’t want her to dislike me even more. I’m putting a burden on their family with a dog.” So, somehow me being a very hormonal woman, that just set me off and we just got in this huge fight and I started dumping all of this stress on him.

Chris Seiter:
So, the dog is essentially the catalyst-

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
… and them I’m assuming when you get into this it’s just like you’re throwing things out of left field that have nothing to do with the dog.

Rachael:
And he’s just like, “What the heck is going on?” I hadn’t seen him in two months because he was serving-

Chris Seiter:
Oh, so there’s a lot of anxiety and maybe [crosstalk 00:04:04].

Rachael:
Yeah, because I had moved to a new state, I didn’t have anybody out here, so that’s the mental breakdown. I moved to a new state, my family’s states away. I was living by myself, he was gone, and working 60 hour weeks it just… atomic bomb all at once.

Chris Seiter:
Finally, it was like the volcano building up, you know?

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
It just, it took a dog to set it off.

Rachael:
Yeah, my precious dog just… Yes, so I blame her sometimes, not really.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. All right. So, this is when the breakup occurs, I’m assuming? Like the breakup’s about to occur here?

Rachael:
Yes, this is the day of the break up. Yeah, this is-

Chris Seiter:
So, this is the catalyst for the breakup, this gigantic fight. Now, are you fighting like in person?

Rachael:
This is through text which is the stupidest thing ever because he was on-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I’ve had fights like that before.

Rachael:
He was literally in the airport about to fly home when this was happening.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, God. You get on the plane, so you lose connection, you can’t text anyone. It’s just simmering. So, you get off the plane and you’re just fuming.

Rachael:
And then it starts again.

Chris Seiter:
Right, yeah.

Rachael:
It was just a lot at once, and now we look back at it and I’m like, “I was an idiot,” so it was…

Chris Seiter:
So-

Rachael:
And I really just should’ve called him and had communicated properly about it, but you know at the time it was-

Chris Seiter:
Do you feel this fight… Was there a reason that you didn’t try to escalate it over to the phone or talk in person? Did it just feel safer?

Rachael:
It was really late at night, it was like 1:00 AM, 2:00 AM because I had just gotten off work and he was in the airport in the middle of a desert about to fly home.

Chris Seiter:
All right. So, who breaks up with who here?

Rachael:
So, that was that night he was flying back into where we’re at, and so he finally shows up and I’m like calling him several times, texting him, blowing up his phone, and he’s just trying to be there for his family for this funeral and I’m just… I was being very selfish at the time. I was like, “I need help, me, me, me,” when he’s… and he’s the eldest of three boys so he was trying to be there for his mother. He couldn’t be at two places at once because I live an hour away from where his parents are.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so he’s-

Rachael:
And he couldn’t be at two places, so I’m like, “I need your help,” and he’s like, “Well, my family needs me.” So, it was basically like an ultimatum and he picked the family and he was just like, “Look, I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so-

Rachael:
And so my crazy butt decided to drive up there.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you drove up there-

Rachael:
Literally when I say my story is similar in a lot of ways to other women, I did the whole being crazy, texting non-stop, calling non-stop. I showed up unexpectedly.

Chris Seiter:
You were the classic Nat then, you went nuts and texted literally.

Rachael:
When I watch your videos with Natting I’m like, “Yeah, that was me.”

Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s okay.

Rachael:
So, I go up there and I’m not banging on his door, we go to a park that’s outside of his neighborhood and he reluctantly meets me and I thought we… and I communicated then like, “Look, I’m stressed, all this,” and we started communicating properly face to face. Because we’ve been in a long distance relationship for so long the phone was kind of like our only means of communication.

Chris Seiter:
Safe haven. You’re used to the phone.

Rachael:
Yeah, so that’s kind of why I didn’t switch over to a phone call because I can’t call him because he’s out of signal somewhere. So, we started talking face to face and I thought we were fine but as I’m driving home he calls me and he’s like, “No, I can’t do this. I’ve been thinking about it, I think we need to go our separate ways and you need to find someone there that can take care of you.”

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so-

Rachael:
I was like, “But you’re getting out of the military in like six months,” and then-

Chris Seiter:
So, to me it just seems like an absolute matter of timing, like you-

Rachael:
Oh, yeah, if this had happened at any other time it would’ve been fine.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, you were stressed from 60 hour work weeks, everything was just kind of happening at once, and then he’s stressed because of this passing he had and having to be there for the family he feels like you’re putting him in the middle a little bit and he just sort of, you know, fight or flight. He’s like I’m just-

Rachael:
And it was wedged into such a small time because he could only be home for like four days and then he had to go back because-

Chris Seiter:
Still in the military, right?

Rachael:
Yeah. And he was a non-commissioned officer so he’s in charge of 40 guys when he gets back. He has to make sure they’re-

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so he’s got a lot on his mind?

Rachael:
Yeah, and I just put a hot spoke right in it.

Chris Seiter:
Right, you’re like, “Deal with this.” Okay, so all right.

Rachael:
So, neither one of us after the breakup were in a good spot. He just happened to have distractions because of being in the, you know, he got to be a man, and dirt, and guns, and all that kind of stuff so he put his anger out through his guys.

Chris Seiter:
Shot a few targets, you know?

Rachael:
That was the end of February and then two weeks later I get furloughed because of COVID, so it’s like I got hit with a double whammy of losing my boyfriend who I hoped to marry one day and then I lost my dream job, because I just had graduated college and this was my first big girl job. And then, so-

Chris Seiter:
So, it was sort of like your career essentially?

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
You get furloughed so that is another negative hit on just things going, and you’ll be surprised at how often your story is resinating with so many people because it’s really hit or miss too I’m talking to with the COVID furlough thing. I mean, like half the people I talk to are furloughed from work, half the people aren’t and work picks up for them. It’s just like this really weird thing. I’ve seen lots of breakups because of COVID though.

Rachael:
And I joined ERP literally the day I got furloughed because I was like, “I’m SOL, what’s left?”

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so-

Rachael:
Because I kept Natting him, I kept texting him and, you know, he’s in the desert.

Chris Seiter:
So, you’re trying everything to get his attention.

Rachael:
I’m grasping at straws.

Chris Seiter:
At what point do you take to… because I’m assuming you probably go to Google and you start typing in how do I get my ex back? Or I’m doing this wrong or I’m doing this wrong.

Rachael:
Yes, literally you… yeah. And I came across your quiz.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you took the quiz and then the quiz is probably promoting the program itself.

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
And then you get the program and you get into the Facebook group?

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
What happens then? Because usually I notice it’s like a 50/50 split between people who… Some people never just read the program they just use the Facebook group which I think is a mistake. I think people should always get through the program, but even when people read the program they still don’t kind of stick to some of the stuff. What was your experience with that?

Rachael:
Well, I’m a book worm so I read it and then I actually had purchased your Ungettable Girl workbook because at that time I was-

Chris Seiter:
Oh, yeah. I’ve got it back there somewhere.

Rachael:
Yeah, I saw it, it was one of your Facebook lives and I was like, “Huh, I’ll do that.” Because I’m a very organized person. I like writing things down if it’s a step by step thing. I honestly felt like I was trying to get rid of a drug addiction because it was such a loss.

Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s what it feels like. So, one thing maybe you don’t know if when you go through your breakup the same part of your brain that lights up is the same part of the brain that lights up when a cocaine addict is going through withdrawal. It is literally like getting rid of a drug addiction.

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And I had coaching with Anna and she said that same thing too.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. So, you did the whole nine yards?

Rachael:
I did the whole nine yards and I honestly feel like a much better person, because when I had purchased it and read it and I was doing the step by step thing I was like, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” because I was so… I technically moved here for a job, but it just so happened to be the same state he was going to move back to when he got out of the military so my dad says I moved out here for a boy, I did not. It was a job, it just happened to be in the same state.

Chris Seiter:
It just happened to work out that way. Okay.

Rachael:
I had just moved out here basically for him and I was like, “So, what do I do now?” I don’t have a job anymore, I lost him, so I-

Chris Seiter:
You got lots of time on your hands, I guess.

Rachael:
Yeah, I tucked my tail between my legs and moved back with my mom for… I was only furloughed for eight weeks.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, that’s not too bad.

Rachael:
So, I got my job back about May, so about Memorial Day actually, so.

Chris Seiter:
So, you get all the program and everything and did you stop texting him?

Rachael:
The day I bought the program, which I really didn’t feel like it was a purchase anyways because I need… it was just like, what else? What’s next? So, I texted him, which sometimes you’re like… in some of your videos, you’re like, “Just stop talking to him.” But I did the… I read on another page, it was like, “If you’ve been Natting,” which they used a different term, “send this text, apologize, and then be done with it.”

Chris Seiter:
Oh, yeah, so it’s sort of like a primer text before you get into a not contact type of-

Rachael:
Which I didn’t tell him, “I’m going on a no contact.” It was just like, “I’m sorry for the breakup and how I responded to it. I just wish you the best.”

Chris Seiter:
What was your take on that strategy? Do you feel like that had any impact on the overall success that you ended up having? Or do you feel like it was just kind of eh?

Rachael:
It was kind of eh, I felt like the no contact was the big thing because our phone’s been our lifeline for having a long distance relationship. Sorry, my dog is getting all up in my business. When I stopped talking to him, he was still in the desert at the time and I feel like he’s probably thinking, “When is she going to stop?” Because it was about two or three weeks where I was being a Nat and I slowly just stopped because my mom, my friends, are like, “You need to stop. He’s telling you to give him space and time to think and you’re not.” And I actually went to see a therapist as well and she did this thing where she stood up out of her chair and got up all in my face and I was like this, and she’s like, “You know, that reaction’s basically what you’re doing to your boyfriend right now because you’re-”

Chris Seiter:
Oh, the physical-

Rachael:
Oh, there she is.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, it’s a beautiful dog.

Rachael:
Thank you, she’s very annoying right now. You want to go home. But she was like getting all up in my face and she’s like, “That’s what you’re doing. You’re literally pinning him in a corner right now.” And my guy, he’s not the best with emotions. He’s a marine so he’s not a very-

Chris Seiter:
So, communication isn’t the best for him?

Rachael:
I wouldn’t say he’s an avoidant because he’s really good at communicating when he has time to think about it, and I wasn’t giving him that time to think about it. So, when my therapist got up all in my face and I’m very claustrophobic, that’s kind of when it clicked. I was like, “I need to stop.”

Chris Seiter:
So-

Rachael:
And that was the same day I got into the Facebook group, so I was just like, “Good bye.”

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you said basically-

Rachael:
Not really goodbye, just like, “Have a nice life,” kind of.

Chris Seiter:
Right, right. You said kind of the re-breakup type text type thing to I guess kind of pre-warn him because you feel like it’s the right thing to do and you do get into a no contact rule, but before we even started recording you said you broke it a bunch of times.

Rachael:
Yes, because-

Chris Seiter:
Tell me about that.

Rachael:
Because he’s basically on the back of a Humvee in front of a 50 caliber gun and I’m calling him, and he’s like, “Just stop trying to get us back together,” and that’s kind of also the trigger where I was like, “Okay, he’s serious,” because-

Chris Seiter:
How many false starts did you have at no contact I guess is the question I’m getting at?

Rachael:
So, when I started I was like, “I need to follow this program wholeheartedly,” it was only twice but there was two to three weeks… She’s just insane right now. It was two to three weeks of that Natting, and I would say probably twice in there too. So, I basically broke no contact like four times.

Chris Seiter:
Four times, okay so when it finally-

Rachael:
So, my spaces are just [inaudible 00:14:57].

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, right. So, when it finally took for good how long of a period of no contact did you actually make?

Rachael:
I was like, “I need to do the 45,” since it was such a bad breakup and I was Natting. So, I decided to do a 45 and I got to about the 18 day mark, that’s the first time I broke it because I had posted in a Facebook live, like, we had PlayStations that were linked together.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Rachael:
And-

Chris Seiter:
I kind of feel like… Was this during my Facebook live?

Rachael:
Yeah, it was during your Facebook live and I said, “Personal belonging issues,” or something is what I said.

Chris Seiter:
I’m pretty sure I remember something like that. Yeah, okay, so it turned out to be two PlayStations that are linked so you can see each other’s updates, is that kind of-

Rachael:
We were linked because we could game share because I was cheap and didn’t want to buy games that he had on his console.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, I didn’t even know you could do that.

Rachael:
Yes, if you log into another account. And somehow it got messed up so I had essentially had locked us both out of our PlayStations and-

Chris Seiter:
Uh-Oh, so you communicate essentially to fix that issue?

Rachael:
Yes, because he had to get on his and log off and stuff, and that’s the first time I broke it. And then I tried calling, well, I did call him and he picked up. Because this is when he got out of the desert is when I waited, and it turned into… I should’ve just left it at there, even Anna was like, “You just need to ask that, fix it, and then be done.” But me being me, I’m like, “So…” kind of like-

Chris Seiter:
Oh, God, you tried to extend it more?

Rachael:
Yes, and-

Chris Seiter:
So, she was just like, “If you’re going to break it just stick to the business at hand,” but you kind of spring boarded it into more.

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So, we talked for like an hour and then we hung up and I was like, “Dang it.” So, then I restarted it and, yeah, I got to… it was like day 40, 41 where I was going with a friend to… because she had just graduated and she was moving back so I was helping her move from our university back to her state and she has a lake house so we started hanging out, and I guess he saw on my social media that I was hanging out with guys from her hometown. I think that’s what triggered him, because he even said, “You should find someone there.” I had no intent to date any of those guys.

Chris Seiter:
But you just put yourself in the situation where there’d be other men around, and he reached out I’m assuming?

Rachael:
Yes. And so, during that second no contact is when I had the Ungettable Girl workbook and I did use social media to my advantage. I posted pictures, which was hard with COVID right now.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, it’s really hard.

Rachael:
I saw a lot of girls posting about that, it’s like, how do I do this because we’re not allowed to go anywhere? And I’ll admit, there was like six weeks in there where I just did not leave my room. Like my mom brought me food, I just was huddled. I did eat… yeah, it was bad. So, I got that-

Chris Seiter:
It took you awhile to kind of get out of the depressive state that the breakup put you in?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
Six weeks where your mom is essentially nursing you back to health.

Rachael:
Yeah. At one point, she came in and she’s like, “Are you just ever going to get out of bed?” I was like, “No. No, I’m not.”

Chris Seiter:
So, was it simply just time that kind of triggers you out of that state?

Rachael:
Well, me and my mom went to… We have property down on the Gulf Coast, so she took me and that’s kind of where I was like, hey, I could use this to social media advantage and make it seem like I’m going out, which I literally took a picture of the beach and then walked back inside and went on the bed.

Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s what you got to do sometimes, the baby steps, you know?

Rachael:
So, I started doing that and I had been posting pictures throughout and I think that was like, you know, it’s me in a bathing suit. So, he started liking that picture and I’m like, “Oh, well, you like that but not the other couple I posted?”

Chris Seiter:
So, did it kind of spring board from there after you got that one like [crosstalk 00:18:57]?

Rachael:
One like? I was like, “Oh, I got his attention again,” because I would see that he would like all… I never blocked him or anything, and I would see he would like all of my friend’s stuff but never would like any of my stuff. And I’m just like, “Okay, cool. You only know these people because of me,” and…

Chris Seiter:
Right, it’s almost like a passive aggressive way of saying, “I’m paying attention, but not to you.”

Rachael:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
But I’m really paying attention to you.

Rachael:
Yes. I was grasping at straws looking into all the minor details. So, fast forward, that was how I started was social media then that’s when he reached out is when he saw me hanging out with other guys. That was about end of April, beginning of May, so that was about day, 40, 41, and he… we just started talking. There was no-

Chris Seiter:
So, he reaches out and then it just kind of goes from there?

Rachael:
It was through Snapchat and then it was just like small texting. I don’t think I followed the program with the texting phase because about day 40, 41, when I was going helping my friend move we… how would I put it? I was just like, “Hey, I’m going back to the state we’re from,” and I was like, “Do you need anything from your mom or anything?” And that’s kind of how it rolled into then he notices me hanging out with guys that weekend and I guess that’s what set him off. So, I didn’t really have a… I followed the texting bible a little bit after that FaceTime call, I kind of was doing the push and pull method because a couple months ago I was blowing up his phone nonstop. I didn’t do the wait seven to 10 days, I never did that. We just kind of continued conversation.

Chris Seiter:
I’m noticing that trend where it’s just like once you get the conversation going you just want to keep it organic as possible and just sort of feel it out a little bit. Is that the approach you kind of took?

Rachael:
Yeah, because… and I felt bad because I would see girls posting and saying, “Is this right? Is this right?” They had their whole conversations planned and I’m like, “I don’t want to do-”

Chris Seiter:
So, you didn’t really do that? Okay.

Rachael:
Personally, I felt that part of the program… it does work for some people, I know, but I was like that’s kind of bogus. I feel like it’s staged a little bit.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So, you felt you didn’t want any inauthenticity to come through in your interactions with him. You wanted everything to seem authentic because it was authentic.

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
Now what-

Rachael:
And the one thing I did keep to heart though is leaving conversation, because I would always hear you talk about this.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, that’s a big thing we [crosstalk 00:21:34]-

Rachael:
About who does it, start it, ends it, and that’s the big thing I was trying to…

Chris Seiter:
Yes, yes. And do you feel that that was accurate advice, based on your experience?

Rachael:
Yes, because I’ve always been his person, he would always complain about his job and stuff and I’d always be the person that would just stay up late to hear about him and then he would fall asleep on me. So, when I’d be like, “I got to go,” I think that’s kind of, he, you know, who is this person now? She never has time for me anymore. And I’m-

Chris Seiter:
Do you feel doing that, did you notice him actually start reaching out to you more after you did that?

Rachael:
Yes. Because I will say I initiated several times, and then when he started picking up that I was leaving conversation that’s when he was like, oh, let me go after her a little bit. And then when he saw me with… because I never went on dates with anybody in the no contact period because of COVID and I personally just didn’t want to because that’s the person I… like, I wanted him. But I would be talking to other guys and, you know, nice attention. I never got a dating app or anything, it’s just people I knew. It was a confidence booster, and then I started working out, eating right, because I, you know, first six weeks was basically lethargic as my mom says it. And I think just all that once when he started re-talking to me, you know, he… and he does admit he saw me in a different light.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, different-

Rachael:
He’s like, “This is the girl that I’ve, you know, when I first saw you I fell in love with.” Because he was noticing I was slowly cracking since Christmas because of work and stress and moving and all that kind of stuff, and he’s like, “This is the girl that I remember.” He’s like, “You’re basically glowing. You’re beautiful as,” something that he quoted and I like screen shotted that text because I was like, “Aw.”

Chris Seiter:
So, from what I gather, you are texting back and forth or did you move on to talking on the phone-

Rachael:
Yes, because-

Chris Seiter:
… or was that even an option?

Rachael:
Yes, because he was back in his barracks at his base and we were texting and SnapChatting, and I would be leaving conversations. So, the hardest part about the breakup was because that was my best friend too, like we would FaceTime every single day and it was just like cutting a drug cold turkey. So, we moved to phone calls and FaceTimes pretty quick just because that’s what we used to do. And I know you talked about breaking habits is 66 days, it hadn’t been 66 days fully through all this breaking up, no contact, so it kind of just came back easily, FaceTiming all the time.

Chris Seiter:
So, did you notice-

Rachael:
And I would leave the FaceTimes quickly too, like, not quickly-

Chris Seiter:
Did you notice the conversations improving when you change mediums like that from just texting each other to seeing each other through face to face, like we are here?

Rachael:
Yeah. The conversations would get deeper, and again, that was one reason the breakup occurred was because it was over text and tone, emotions doesn’t come through text. And so, when we got to FaceTimes we would get… I feel like our communication’s actually better than ever now because of no contact and not being able to talk because we had so much to talk about for not talking for a month and a half. And so, it got more deeper conversations and at one point it got so deeper he’s like, “I’ve never stopped love you through this period. I just didn’t know what to say.”

Chris Seiter:
So, that’s almost like you got him back at that point, essentially.

Rachael:
I kind of knew at that point like I could do this, and then because of COVID his based was locked down. So, it opened up around Memorial Day, I had planned going up there and that was like, you know, you talk about planning a big meet up because we are long distance-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, long distance.

Rachael:
We were long distance at the time, and so I went up there and hung out for a weekend and then actually while I was up there is when I got the call back like, “Hey, we need you back at work in like three days.” So, then I have to fly back home and turn around and drive 14 hours and be at work.

Chris Seiter:
That’s a little way to drive.

Rachael:
It was funny, I lost him and my job at the same time and then I kind of got him and my job back at the same time.

Chris Seiter:
At the same time. They’re connected.

Rachael:
I don’t know how. But he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He felt like he wanted to get back, like, once he ended his contract with the military he wanted to get back and we date a little bit because we’ve always with the long distance relationship, you know, I’d come up for a weekend or a week and we always were vacationing kind of together. So, we never felt like we really dated, so he came back home about six weeks after that meet up and we started going on dates actually. And his mother was especially not my biggest fan after the breakup because she thought I directly was insulting her because I was doing it with her mother’s passing. So, she was very hesitant to us talking again, and I actually went up to his family’s house for his birthday and it was awkward, I will admit. He wanted me to apologize to her, and me being stubborn I’m like, “Why?” Because I apologized to her back, you know, around the breakup.

Chris Seiter:
Well, I think he’s just trying to play peace keeper, especially if he ends up marrying you. He’s like, “I don’t want these two women like cats and dogs.”

Rachael:
Yeah, because his father’s family never accepted her and I feel like she’s kind of doing it to me, even before the breakup.

Chris Seiter:
It’s really common, my best friend growing up, his mom was a lot like that to the girlfriend’s he would bring home, [crosstalk 00:27:04].

Rachael:
Yeah, and that’s her baby boy, that’s her first born son so that’s her baby. My mom, I have a brother and it was… my mom says when your boy dates a girl you either have to accept her or you’re going to just fight her the whole time, and she ended up accepting my sister-in-law, and-

Chris Seiter:
So, how did you approach… So, did you kind of apologize to her?

Rachael:
That’s the thing, I haven’t really said, “I’m sorry yet.” This is the battle I’m fighting right now is her getting to like me.

Chris Seiter:
If you want advice, I have a way that you can sort of clear the air but you have to kind of check your ego at the door. So, the best thing to do in situations like that is to actually come up and lay… the first thing you should do is just lay it all out on the table. So, like, hey, I know you feel this, and I know you feel this, and I know you feel this, and then she’ll kind of be a little bit more willing to listen to what you have to say after you kind of hit her with everything she’s thinking inside. But some people just aren’t willing to do that because we’re stubborn by nature, and it seems like you kind of feel-

Rachael:
I am stubborn, but the hardest thing is is she’s got three boys and a husband and the family’s always over. So, I’m always going to a house that has 37 people in it so I don’t want to do it in front of everyone, and every time we’re-

Chris Seiter:
Well, you can take her in another room or something and say, “Hey, could I talk to you,” or something like that.

Rachael:
And during his birthday I tried doing that but everyone keeps busting in and I’m like… so. Next time I go up there is when I’m going to do it because I said it in Anna’s Facebook live this weekend about it and she gave me some pretty good advice. But so-

Chris Seiter:
I’d take her out for like… well, I guess you can’t do that now, can you? Damn COVID.

Rachael:
You can in Texas, but that’s, you know.

Chris Seiter:
Oh yeah, that’s true. No, I do have some questions getting off the mom topic, we could probably chat about that.

Rachael:
That’s my current situation, but after we dated for a little bit and his birthday and I met his family again, I think that’s when he was like, “Okay, I’m ready,” and two or three days later he asked me to be his girlfriend again.

Chris Seiter:
So, when you look back at the whole situation, what do you feel like was the most important thing to your success, just your opinion on it?

Rachael:
Focusing on myself and re-finding myself because even though I love my job and I got a dealt a horrible hand of cards, it really change… I had to grow up really fast. I always feel like I’m pretty adult-ish, but moving on my own, and this is when I officially had been financially cut off from my family. My dad was like, “Oh, you graduated, done. I don’t pay for anything else.” He’s like, “I paid for-”

Chris Seiter:
Graduated from college or high school?

Rachael:
College.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, college. He at least gave you those four years to get the college degree, okay.

Rachael:
Yeah, he was like, “I paid for you for 23 years, so I’m done.”

Chris Seiter:
Okay, that’s what we call a baptism by fire, just putting them out there in the world.

Rachael:
And so, I would say re-finding myself because I really didn’t recognize myself, and even my friend said that. The girl who actually set me and my guy up, she was like, “I don’t recognize you any more,” because I’d be calling her all the time like, “What do you think I should do?” Because they’re friends and she was like, “You just need to relax.”

Chris Seiter:
So, what did you do to re-find yourself? What were some of the things that you-

Rachael:
Kind of like you say with the trilogy, I was focusing on my health because I actually had lost 15 pounds because the breakup because I just stopped eating for like-

Chris Seiter:
Really?

Rachael:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So, I see it’s like either hit or miss. Some people eat everything in sight, and that would be like me, and then some people just stop.

Rachael:
Which is funny because I am an emotional eater, I usually eat when I’m sad, but this… I wouldn’t even call it, just because I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, I don’t even know what this was. I just shut off completely.

Chris Seiter:
Well, I guess they do say sometimes one of the side effects you lose your appetite when you go through highly emotional breakups, so it’s probably a bit of that. But I’ve also seen it swing the other way, so.

Rachael:
Yeah, because I didn’t eat for several days, I was crying myself to sleep for probably a total of two weeks. It was bad.

Chris Seiter:
So, the breakup hit hard for you?

Rachael:
Yeah. It was the first one where, and hopefully the last one, where I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest.

Chris Seiter:
So, you’ve had breakups before but this one just stung?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
Do you feel it stung so much because you felt like this was your person, like you were supposed to marry him and now you lost it?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So, that’s why it hurt so bad?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And I understand he was going through the same kind of grief because he had just lost basically his second mother and then me too, so he got hit with a double whammy but he had distractions. So, I kind of had to find… I stayed in bed for several weeks and then when it started-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, but you’re furloughed so you have that on top of everything so it seems very stressful.

Rachael:
And so, I started eating better and I’ve always been athletic but because of college and work I’ve slowly let myself go over the past couple years. So, I was like, “I need to get back into shape,” so I started going to the… this was before gyms were shut down so I started working out from home and at gyms, and actually my good friend we were like FaceTiming yoga together.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, that’s pretty cool.

Rachael:
And I would post that on social media for kind of making myself look better. I would post the screen shots on Instagram, and so that was that. And then trying to get myself financially better because obviously COVID slashed through my financial on that, and then what’s the other one in the trilogy? Health, wealth, and-

Chris Seiter:
Health, wealth, and relationships. So, did you make new friends or something?

Rachael:
I made new friends technically. It was through gaming.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you played games and everything.

Rachael:
So, online friends a little bit.

Chris Seiter:
I mean, technically that counts, and sometimes all you really need to do is focus on two because the two will kind of bring up, and it did… It seems like to you so much of your relationships have matched up with him and that just took a hit. So, it’s almost like it’s kind of hard to explore other things in that realm because it feels-

Rachael:
Yeah, it was just a bad… 2020 has just not been a good year whatsoever.

Chris Seiter:
I think it’s been better than you think. You went through some ups and downs, but maybe in the end it made you realize how important this guy is and maybe the same with him to you.

Rachael:
Yeah. So, I focused on just on making my… because I let myself go for those first couple weeks, so just getting back and then trying to pick up my sad little bank account and then make friends, mostly online. I talked to some girls through the Facebook group too, with my battle buddy and some of the other girls, because I’d post things and they were like, “Oh, our situations sound similar,” and we’d talk. Because I was just looking for anything because every day… I’m a talker. When I have a problem, I talk it out right then and there. Him, he’s like my mother, he needs a couple days, time, to process it and then talk it. And that was one of the reasons I Natted because I wanted to fix it right then and there and he’s like…

Chris Seiter:
Yeah.

Rachael:
Stop.

Chris Seiter:
Well, his communication style is different than yours, and sometimes that can be hard for someone like you to grasp because you’re like, “Let’s just fix it.”

Rachael:
Yeah, I’m problem solver, and our communication has gotten better now now that we’re seeing each other more because he’s officially with me, not living with me, but back in the state that we’re in. And so, our communication has really gotten better versus just having to talk on the phone all the time because we’re states away.

Chris Seiter:
So, tactic wise, so you talked about the self improvement thing, and I’m happy to hear you say that because that’s the number one trend I see people cite. But tactic wise, like when it came to… So, you mentioned ending conversations first, you mentioned actually transitioning from texting to FaceTime, but what do you feel what really worked for you tactic wise?

Rachael:
I think the biggest thing, he said it, is just seeing my confidence come out more, because I had been working on myself and he just like I reminded him-

Chris Seiter:
So, like the social media posts that you were posting?

Rachael:
Social media posts, and then when we got to FaceTiming and I would end conversations, I was busy, even though I really wasn’t. I’d make my… because I’m not paying attention to him as much because I always had been his person to go to. And my mom was always saying that… My poor mom was my therapist during this whole thing, and-

Chris Seiter:
Oh, but she loves you so much to be able to do that, right?

Rachael:
Yeah, and so God bless her.

Chris Seiter:
You got such a good mom, seriously.

Rachael:
If I can be half the mom she could be then I would be set for life. She was like, “You were his person too,” because every day I’d be like, “I just want to talk to him,” and she’s like, “I know, but it’ll…” Because when I told her I got into this program… because she’s old school, like really old school.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Rachael:
Because when you talk about don’t talk to many people, because I was getting so many opinions because me being me and being a problem solver I was talking to a lot of people like, “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” And some people were like, “Just leave him. If he wants to leave you, then that.” And so, when we got back to talking I think just showing him that I’m the girl that he remembers from our first date, I think that was the biggest thing and then ending conversations so I looked busy.

Chris Seiter:
So, you did look busy, right. So, one thing that I’ve been also trying to advise people on recently, and I’d love to get your take on this, is trying to find something that you feel is more important than him. Do you ever feel like you got to a point where you found something like that?

Rachael:
I think the job I started treating more important than him.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So, was that helpful in just coping or getting kind of realigning yourself after the breakup?

Rachael:
Yes, because I’d just lost my job and my boyfriend, and so I technically had gotten my job back before he asked me to be his girlfriend again. So, when I got that I was focusing on work and making myself better at work and I think that showed him that my attention can go elsewhere, not just all on you.

Chris Seiter:
So, because to me it seems like the big problem that you had was your focus was so much on fixing things after this big blow up that you had and he maybe thinks, “Wow, she doesn’t have anything else other than just this.” That maybe just drew him back a little bit.

Rachael:
Oh, yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So, do you think him seeing these other-

Rachael:
I was not very attractive looking at the end of the breakup. I was very-

Chris Seiter:
I don’t-

Rachael:
I was very desperate looking.

Chris Seiter:
I think more than anything it has to do with your focus, like it seems like you’re obsessive about this breakup and then maybe putting your focus on other things is intriguing to him because he thought he had your pegged a certain way and then he realizes he doesn’t. Maybe that’s what your mom was trying to say, like she’s like, “Hey, you’re focusing…” or your therapist, you know, she was like in your face. That’s kind of… So, it’s kind of good that you got lots of different perspectives on the problem.

Rachael:
I think I got a little too many perspectives because I would talk to a lot of people about it.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, that’s a true… there is such a thing as too many chefs in the kitchen, so to speak.

Rachael:
Oh, and I work in a kitchen, so yeah, I understand that.

Chris Seiter:
So, what do you feel going forward is your next steps with him? So, are you guys long distance any more?

Rachael:
So, he doesn’t live with me, he lives with his parents right now because didn’t want to live in a dorm when he back to school because he did two years in the military and now he’s doing his last two years. So, he’s living with his parents right now and he’ll stay a couple nights here when my days off for work. And so, our thing right now is kind of just dating honestly because we were long distance from the start. And now it’s-

Chris Seiter:
Wow. Well, that says a lot about you though because it takes a lot to get into a long distance relationship off the bat, I mean, you really have to like that person.

Rachael:
A lot of my relationships have been long distance and my mom at some point’s like, “Do you purposely get in relationships with people you don’t have to deal with?” And I’m like, “No, it just happens that way that I date someone and then they have to move somewhere.” And so, now we’re just focusing on dating because during our reconciliation time my mom’s like, “You need to be careful just jumping feet first back in with him because what if he moves back and y’all end up hating each other after a couple months? You realize y’all were only good long distance?”

Chris Seiter:
That’s good advice too because it seems like sometimes when you’re long distance you get used to the routines of long distance, but then when you’re together there’s the aspect of having to see what the person’s like all the time. You see kind of the hidden depths to them that you don’t-

Rachael:
Like never putting the toilet seat down.

Chris Seiter:
There you go, stuff like that. I mean, that’s like petty stuff but there’s other stuff that can run deep that you just feel you’re not matched. Does you feel like you guys have had enough time to sort of feel each other out that way?

Rachael:
It’s getting better day by day. I think our biggest thing is I’m an over thinker and he has resting bitch face really bad. And he… I’ll always be like, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something?” And he’s like, “No, I’m just…” He’s not a big talker, unlike me.

Chris Seiter:
This is me, I just look mad all the time.

Rachael:
He’s like, “I’m just sitting here. I can enjoy your time in peace with you just sitting here and me sitting here and us watching videos.” That’s our biggest thing is just… because I’m a very… I’m type A, he’s type B. I’m very open… extrovert, introvert. He’s there, like when he first met my family, my family’s like, “He’s very quiet,” and I’m like, “He’s really not. He just doesn’t know you.” He’s kind of that person at a party that’ll sit in the corner until… And he’s even said it himself with me, he’s like, “I would’ve never gone up to you at a bar. Like, if I saw you at a bar I would’ve never gone up to.”

Chris Seiter:
So, he’s not going to be the person who opens up until he really knows you and trusts you. But you get him talking all the time, I’m assuming?

Rachael:
Yes, it’s my job. I deal with people, I’m in the people industry so that’s my thing. Because he’s always impressed with… he’ll even say it, like, “You can just walk into a room and make friends with five people right off the bat,” because I’ll just, you know?

Chris Seiter:
You’re very very personable, you’re very good at talking. It is an art and he’s maybe lacking in that way, but maybe that’s what draws him to you.

Rachael:
Yeah, we’re very opposites in that way, and figuring out our communication right now also is the biggest thing because I’ll say what I think, it’s got me in very problematic situations in the past, but I’ll say what’s on my mind right there and then without thinking and he needs time to process it. And so, our communication is getting better and I think that’s our biggest step is just feeling each other out, how we are together, and being able to talk. Because communication is key but also comprehension is key, because you can talk left and right but if they’re not understanding it or willing to work with it… because everybody’s like, “Communication is key in a relationship,” and I’m like, “No, comprehension is.”

Chris Seiter:
That’s true. I think also people have different ways of communicating and that’s not always easy to pick up on. Some people who aren’t very verbal will communicate very well non-verbally, you just have to learn to pick up their cues.

Rachael:
Yeah, with the love languages his is very much quality and acts of service.

Chris Seiter:
Really? Interesting, I would’ve expected touch for him.

Rachael:
So, guys are… No, he hates PDA. I’ll try to hold his hand in public and he’s, like, “No.”

Chris Seiter:
Seriously? Oh, man. Okay.

Rachael:
I know, we’ll be out on dates and I’ll be like, “Can I have a kiss?” He’s like, “This is your one kiss.” I’m like, “Wow, that’s just mean.”

Chris Seiter:
He’s not like that at home I’m hoping, right?

Rachael:
No, he’s just… And he’s a person that’s like, “PDA is not supposed to be public, it’s supposed to be private,” so.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, okay. All right.

Rachael:
Yeah, and so his acts of service, quality time, because he’ll stay over and wake up really early just to take my dog out or do my dishes for me because I’m working a lot right now because of COVID, so he’ll do that. That’s the biggest problem, because mine, I like words of affirmation. I-

Chris Seiter:
Okay, I would’ve expected that from you, words of affirmation. I guess words of affirmation and quality time would be my two if I were to guess you.

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And then I show mine by gift giving. I’m a very big gift giver.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, okay. So, yours is active… Is that one of the other…

Rachael:
It’s gift giving, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and words.

Chris Seiter:
Words of affirmation. I guess.

Rachael:
There’s five, that’s all I know.

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:43:36]. Five love languages.

Rachael:
So, yeah, I give mine by presents and then I like receiving words. He likes quality time, but he does acts of service.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. Now, what I’m also curious about is after you got him back, did you ask him about his perspective on the breakup at all? Did you get kind of his side of things?

Rachael:
Oh, we talked about it. I even told him I was in this program. He thought it was funny. He was like, “Were you that desperate?” I was like, “Yes, I was.” We talked about it and it was a long… that was like our really big deep conversation of what did he do while I over here and sobbing in misery, what did he do?

Chris Seiter:
So, what was his experience of the breakup?

Rachael:
So, he put himself to his work when he returned back to the desert with his guys.

Chris Seiter:
Distraction essentially.

Rachael:
Yeah, he distracted with that because he’s like, “I need to make sure they’re fed. We’re in 110 degree weather. I had to make sure they were going to be alive because they’re 18 year olds not knowing what the heck they’re doing.” And when I kept Natting him he was like, “At one point we were working on a truck or something and I threw an ax and it almost hit someone.” He just delved into work and then he said that-

Chris Seiter:
Rachael, you’re danger. You’re [inaudible 00:44:54] is super dangerous. You got to stop it.

Rachael:
I know, it almost killed somebody. Someone almost got an ax through the torso. But he said, “When you stopped talking to me…” because he would part on base because they couldn’t go out either because they were shut down, he would just drink with his guy friends. He’s like, “I really miss her,” like surely but surely he’d be like-

Chris Seiter:
It took time for him to come to that realization is what you’re saying.

Rachael:
He’s like, “I really do miss her,” and he struggled with do I let her meet someone there, even though I’m going to be back in a couple months? Do I let her meet someone there, or-

Chris Seiter:
So, seeing you go to this party where there’s other guys who could potentially hit on you is the ultimate inciting incident that causes him to reach out and start making realize I shouldn’t let her go?

Rachael:
No, and he’s a pretty smart, I mean, some of the male breed are stupid, but he really like-

Chris Seiter:
I can say that is true. I can undeniably say that’s true.

Rachael:
He even said, he’s like, “Did you post that one picture where you showed your butt just to spite me?” And I was like, “Yeah.” This was after we back together, he knew what I was doing. He knew I was posting things-

Chris Seiter:
Sometimes though I experience they can know what you’re doing but it’s still just as effective. That’s the beauty of it. It worked on him, I’m sure.

Rachael:
Yeah, it did work on him and he just slowly but surely realized he misses me, he misses talking to me, and when he saw me with other males that’s when his alpha male kind of kicked in and was like, “Nevermind, that’s mine.”

Chris Seiter:
He’s like, “Give that to me.” Oh, that’s great.

Rachael:
And when we started hanging out he saw that I was talking to… Hello.

Chris Seiter:
The other man in your life right there?

Rachael:
Yeah, well she’s a female.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, it’s a she? Well, you know?

Rachael:
Yes, she is a she.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Rachael:
Okay, she’ll just be… She’ll just be in here for right now. Can you please get down? Where was I going at? Once he saw-

Chris Seiter:
When he saw you I guess texting other dudes?

Rachael:
Yeah, he saw me texting other dudes and that’s when he was like, “Why are you doing that?” And I’m like, “Well, I’m not your girlfriend. I can talk to other people,” and then he’s like, “I’m working on it.” And so, his mind he officially wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend when I re-met his family again and kind of cleared the-

Chris Seiter:
So, that’s big for him to re-introduce you to the family?

Rachael:
Yes, because that was his biggest… because his mother did not… like, blocked me on everything, did not want us to be talking to… Yeah, she’s a very…

Chris Seiter:
Stern, I would say.

Rachael:
Yes, very stern woman. But yeah, that was the snapping point is when he saw I was… that’s when it clicked was when he saw, hey, she could be taken by other people. I was like, “You told me to do it, so I went and started talking to people and then you’re mad that I did it.”

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, that’s true.

Rachael:
But I wasn’t serious about it because he was my person, so.

Chris Seiter:
Right, right. So, is there any other thing that you learned from the experience that you feel anyone listening could take?

Rachael:
Even when you’re in your very low point and you feel like it’s not going to work out at all, it could end up working. Because I’d read so much into what you were saying about breaking no contact lessens your chances, obviously it didn’t lessen mine to the point it made it worked, essentially.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, it worked out okay for you.

Rachael:
And I think preaching to the choir, it’s like you got to focus on yourself because if you don’t love yourself how could someone else love you? That’s the thing. And so, when I started focusing on myself and finding myself again, that’s what drew him back in. So, the biggest thing I would-

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:48:37] so fascinating because it’s a long distance relationship on top of it. So, I mean, we are also no talking enough about this big meet up that you had. I always say you need to build towards this one big meet up, and it seems like that meet up went really well for you even though you had to drive 14 hours the other way.

Rachael:
Yes. I did 12 hours that way and 14 hours that way. Yeah, I feel like you got to trust in the process, I guess, which I’m not a very trusting person so I was like, “This is not working. Why did I do this?” And I kind of went off the track a little bit with not texting like you say. Sometimes you got to… It’s a guideline, it’s not a step by step. It’s a guideline. [crosstalk 00:49:22]

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, like The Pirates of the Caribbean, they’re not rules, they’re guidelines.

Rachael:
It’s more like guidelines. Yeah, I feel like that program… for some people in their situations, because I know you’ve seen thousands of relationships.

Chris Seiter:
Hundreds or thousands by this point, I think.

Rachael:
We’ve only been together a year and a half at the point of the breakup, and I was his first… I’m the first girl he’s ever taken home, the first girl he’s ever said he loved. I’m literally his [crosstalk 00:49:49]-

Chris Seiter:
So, you’re a big person for him.

Rachael:
Yeah, and I think when… and when we were discussing what did he go threw, he’s never had to [inaudible 00:49:59] serious breakup like this because I’m the first, so he didn’t really know how to handle it so it was new for him. So, and also going back to the guideline thing, I kind of went off the track a little bit and it seemed to work, so.

Chris Seiter:
It did, yeah. So, that’s the other thing I’m noticing is people calling audibles mid play and it still works out for them. It seems to me like you need to trust your gut because you know your guy better than anyone else. All right, I don’t think you breaking the no contact rule like 10 times worked so well, but you eventually got it.

Rachael:
Mine was like three or four.

Chris Seiter:
Three times, but you still-

Rachael:
Three or four or in there somewhere.

Chris Seiter:
You still did, like you said you did a 40 day no contact at one point, right?

Rachael:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Like, I think it was the second time I broke it is because I had accidentally had screen shotted something of his Snapchat and it sent a notification to him and I was like, “Crap,” now I got to re-start it. But yeah, my situation I feel like is different and typical because I’ve seen on some of the pages these people have been in 10 year relationships and they just suddenly can walk away, so-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I think the problems those people face are different than the problems you’re facing. You’re more of a news type relationship, they’re more of the we’ve been together so long it’s getting stale type problem. That wasn’t so much a problem in your situation because [crosstalk 00:51:27].

Rachael:
And in my mindset at the time I was like, “How can these people, they’ve been together 10 years, share kids, how could they just walk away?” And I’m like, “I’m hopeless because I’ve only been together a little over a year.”

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, that’s the wrong attitude. I mean, it’s like comparing apples to oranges because it’s two completely different situations.

Rachael:
Ann actually said that in our coaching and it helped a lot. She’s like, “Every relationship’s unique.”

Chris Seiter:
How old are you, by the way, and how old is he?

Rachael:
I turn 24 actually next week and he’s 24.

Chris Seiter:
24?

Rachael:
So, we’re only like six week apart, so yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I’m thinking back when I was 24 I felt a lot like you, so I felt like I kind of had a lot of it figured out but with time and age and experience you kind of realize it’s not the same. It’s a little apples to oranges, so a lot of those thoughts you had about, well, how can these people get their ex back after being 10 years and they have kids together? It’s a lot different situation now that I have kids and I’m married, I can kind of understand some of why they walk away sometimes. You have to work to keep that relationship going, and your problem is a lot different because I’ve also been in a long distance relationship. I married my wife and we were in a long distance relationship for maybe a year I want to say, and to me the key with the long distance relationship is always having a plan to close the distance, and luckily you’ve already done that so that hard part’s over.

Rachael:
Yeah, I did it like half way through the relationship, I was like, “I’m moving to where he’s going to back to eventually.”

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, but you said you didn’t do it for him, you said you did it for the job.

Rachael:
I got with the company and they’re like, “Hey,” I was like, “Do you have properties there?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” I was like, “Okay, going there.” There was something I was going to say, keep talking. It’ll come back to me.

Chris Seiter:
No, well I think your situation’s real fascinating because we don’t really have a lot of people that have come on that I’ve been able to interview for the podcast or the YouTube channel like this who are in long distance relationships. So, the one last thing I’d like to get your thoughts on are what was your key… Did you think there was a huge difference between an average breakup and a long distance breakup? What was your experiences with that?

Rachael:
With a breakup in person, you can’t behind your phone if you’re standing there in front of each other. And that’s like the biggest thing I kind of got PO’ed about was I’m like, “He can just shut me off because he just doesn’t have to respond to his phone.” And I think the key was when we were starting to talk again making it flow smoothly so he doesn’t just block my number and leave. Because this little device right here, so much of our relationship was through this. I kind of had to-

Chris Seiter:
Those devices are almost everything to us now if you think about it. I mean, most of our-

Rachael:
Oh yeah, this is my life.

Chris Seiter:
Most of our online searching habits are here instead of a computer now, which didn’t always used to be the way when I was growing up. It was always the computer that you would get online. But I just want to take a minute and thank you so much for coming on, seriously.

Rachael:
Well, I mean, I just want to help people because my situation I hope speaks volumes to people that I can work, because I was absolutely hopeless. I was willing to start talking to other people and see where it led.

Chris Seiter:
Well, thank you so much for coming on.

Rachael:
Yeah, because if he can just walk away like that, why can’t I?

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4 thoughts on “Success Story: How To Get Back An Ex In A Long Distance Relationship”

  1. Avatar

    PCA

    October 2, 2020 at 8:11 am

    I cannot believe how much I related to this story, I even screenshotted like five different parts. I am still in the NC period though so, I am really looking forward to everything working out and us getting back together 🙂

    I’m also dealing with a LDR break up, so technically my NC period should’ve already ended but I’m afraid to reach out since it’s way easier to ignore your phone if the person reaching out doesn’t live in your same country. Any tips?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 7, 2020 at 6:38 pm

      Hey PCA so even if you were not long distance. We tell people to reach out via text with hook messages (there are articles and videos to help with this too) to capture your exes interested and get them wanting to talk to you. Make sure that you spend some time working on your reach out texts to your ex before the end of your NC

  2. Avatar

    Ann Katrin Engjom

    September 18, 2020 at 1:35 am

    I just deleted him as a friend on facebook, cause it just hurts to mutch seeing on and not talking. We were in a ldr relationship for almost 5 years. He broke up with me almost 2 years ago and we have had no contact since. I regnet it all ready but I can’t undo it. I am still hearthbroken but I don’t have any hope left.

    I have lost hope and its just making me more sad. I wish everyone else gets a happier story than me.

  3. Avatar

    Anonymous

    September 5, 2020 at 6:39 pm

    My long distance ex boyfriend and I had a big fight at the beginning of August. Background- He had moved away for a job after he graduated, about 2 montjs into us dating, and the plan was for me to move with him when I graduate next spring. We were together for a little under a year.

    I had always wanted to return to the town we went to college in, but he wanted to stay in the town where he had been hired for a few years. I made the mistake of getting overly emotional and telling him how much it hurt that he wasn’t willing to move back, when I was willing to move to him. He said he was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t want me to makw sacrifices for him and grow to hate him, and we did not talk for 5 days until I reached out and we communicated our thoughts and made up. I thought everything was going ok. He had a big surprise for me for my birthday the next week, was telling me he loved me, told me he’d be my date to my friends wedding, he got protective when someone flirted with me, his mom was talking to me like normal and inviting me to their place, he nade plans to visit me in my college town, etc.

    About 2 or 3 weeks after I visited for my birthday, I could tell something was wrong. He said he did not feel well and didn’t feel like talking, but then went out with a coworker after work. When we he called, I was understandably upset, and he apologized and I asked if there was something wrong. He admitted that since our fight, he had been confused about how he felt about our relationship. He said I was his best friend and that he cared about me deeply, but when I asked if he loved me still, he couldn’t give me a straight answer. I made the mistake of pushing, and saying “either you want to be with me and you love me or do you don’t, its a yes or no question, not maybe.” This made him angry and he repeatedly said “I don’t know, I’m confused,” until I pushed him to say “no, its over, I don’t love you anymore.” I told him he was making a mistake and that he would regret it because we were great together and I did so much for him. He said he knew he would regret it and be sad but it was for the best. I ended the call by saying “Do not speak to me unless you are ready to apologize. I love you but I am very hurt right now.”

    We have not spoken in 5 days. I deleted him from my social media because it was too painful, but he has kept our mutual friends and my mom. He hasn’t deleted me from our gaming app either. His indecisiveness to break up and this behavior on social media gives me hope he will come back.