In most parts of the world little girls and little boys are raised very differently from one another. Little girls are taught to embrace their feelings and to express them as often as they can. They write love letters to kindergarten crushes and sneak hugs at recess.
Little boys, on the other hand, are taught to be stoic. They are told,
“Big boys don’t cry.”
And they are taught to keep those feelings inside. When they develop a puppy-love crush they don’t tell the little girl about it. Instead they call her a mean name and push her down the slide to avoid being teased by the other kids.
Unfortunately, this difference in the genders often carries over to adult life. Women find themselves expressing their deepest feelings to a man they love only to be met with neutrality or even retreat. This doesn’t mean that men are not capable of loving. Of course they can love and they DO love. However, when love is pressed upon them it can seem scary and their first reaction is to run.
This is doubly true for an ex.
It may be tempting to let them know exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking. This will likely drive them further away from you, especially if you have only recently reconnected after No Contact.
Let’s review the EBR process a little.
(Update: Chris has also written a huge article about this over at Ex Girlfriend Recovery in case you were wanting to hear the guys side of things.)
Now, you should not be considering telling your ex how you feel about them at all if you are still working the Program to get him back. Obviously, in step one, No Contact, you should not be considering saying anything at all since you would be breaking No Contact to do so.
Take the time during step one to process your feelings and work on self-improvements.
During step two you are re-establishing a lost connection. This step should be looked at as a new beginning. Treat it as though this is a new friend and you are just beginning to text them for the very first time… ever.
In steps three and four feelings and emotions may come up and this is okay. Just don’t go overboard.
Following the EBR guidelines you will know how to direct the conversation in ways that will lead your ex to realize that he still has feelings for you and will open him up to a willingness to discuss those feelings. Men like to feel as though they have power. They want to be the ones to “decide” that a relationship is worth another chance. If it is their idea they will be much more open to it. For this reason, patience is key.
Sadly, women are not patient creatures, so I’m sure you are wondering how to deal with missing your ex and wanting him back.
To start, try to look at the big picture. Remember that while you may be suffering and struggling now, it will pay off in the long run. Not being able to share your feelings for a couple of months will seem like nothing if you are successful and can then share your feelings for the rest of your life.
Keep yourself busy and continue to do what you can to attract him. Initially you will be in the No Contact period and will be working hard on improving your health, wealth, and relationships. (The Holy Trinity if you’re doing Ex Recovery Pro)
Allow your posts on social media to reflect your exciting life full of imporvements where he will have the chance to see them and think,
“Dang! Maybe I shouldn’t have let her go.”
Once you move into the texting phase you’ll be focused on make him want to text you. Be fun and engaging, leave conversations on a high note, and post things on social media that will get him to initiate and ask you questions. Don’t be overly clingy and make sure that you maintain your independence and don’t begin to obsess over the cat and mouse game that the two of you are playing. If you find yourself wondering “what is he doing? what is he thinking?” put down your phone and go for a run or meet up with friends. Do whatever you need to do to refocus yourself on what is most important… your own well being.
Some days will, of course, be better than others and at times you are going to find it difficult to focus on other things.
You will find yourself saying,
“I miss my ex boyfriend and I want him back.”
Find a healthy outlet for your emotions. A close group of friends that you can vent to is always a good option
However, if you find that your friends are less than supportive and don’t agree with your desire to get back together with your ex, then simply don’t turn to them. Instead, try writing down how you are feeling. Keep a dedicated notebook or journal for your emotions. Stick to doing things that you were doing prior to the emotions coming on and later in the day go back and write down what helped you to get past the negative feelings. After awhile you will be able to avoid activities that trigger negative feelings without having to think about it. This will allow you to have a healthy collection of habits to help you deal with those situations when they arise.
This waiting game is especially important to master, especially in certain situations.
- If it has been a long time and you still have feelings for him
- If you are currently in a different relationship
- If he is currently in a different relationship
It Has Been A Long Time And You Still Have Feelings For Him
Sometimes, you’ll find that you still love your ex boyfriend after a year, two years, five years, or even ten years. There is still that hope of reconciliation floating around in your head.
In fact, in some situations, time is all that is needed to repair the damage of a breakup. People mature or the reasons for splitting up is completely forgotten.
However, showing up in this past lover’s life after years of silence is going to be alarming enough on it’s on. Showing up and baring your soul will almost certainly drive them away.
It is also important to take into consideration that after an extended period of time you both have likely changed and are not the same people you were when you were together.
You are going to need to rediscover yourself and how you feel towards your ex.
You will have to get to know the new person that your ex has become.
In situations like this, you may believe that you still love your ex only to find that you don’t even like the person that they have become.
Similarly, you may find that you are the one who has changed and that you simply are not a good match for your Ex anymore.
Either way, taking time to get to know one another again before going into the details of how you feel is going to put you both in a better place for success.
If You Are Seeing Someone New
Sometimes, you might find yourself wondering why you still have feelings for your ex if you are already in a new relationship.
First, take a deep breath.
Now, look at what is happening within your current relationship. Was it a rebound from your ex?
If so, then you may find that you jumped into this new relationship too quickly.
Were you only dating somebody else because your ex seemed to be moving on and you wanted to do the same? If so you may have been trying to force yourself to feel something for this new person, even though deep down you knew the emotions were not real.
If either of these situations feels like they may be what you are going through, then it you may do best to break it off with your new partner. Staying in the relationship would not be fair to them as it would be giving them false hope for a future. It also would not be fair to you as you would not be meeting your emotional needs.
However, if most of the time you are happy with this new partner and only find yourself missing your ex because of a recent fight that you and the new guy had, then it would be best to simply take some time and make sure. Don’t make any decisions when you are feeling heightened emotions. It’s easy to think,
“Wow! Joe and I never fought over what to do on the weekends. Maybe I should just go back to him.”
However, in the heat of an argument we often say and think things that we do not mean and we definitely don’t think or remember things clearly. Give yourself time to cool down and then revisit the thought.
Once you’re calm ask yourself if you really meant it. Would you really be happy if the new guy was out of the picture? If the answer is yes, then have a discussion with your partner about ending the relationship. If the answer is no, then sit down with your new partner and have a healthy discussion about how better to handle these disagreements in the future.
It is important to recognize that grass is greener syndrome can rear it’s ugly head and make you think that getting back together with your ex will be trouble free, even though that is rarely ever the case.
The bottom line here is that if you truly have feelings for another person then you should not stay in your current relationship, it’s not fair to anyone involved. Just make sure you aren’t dealing with feelings that are a reaction to a temporary situation like a disagreement.
After your current relationship ends then you may proceed with the EBR process. If the emotions are reactive to a situation then take the time to consider why you feel that way and how best to proceed. If this is the situation, then it would certainly be best not to mention how you feel to your ex OR your current partner as it could create even more difficult situations that could have been avoided.
Now, What If He’s In A New Relationship?
Well, he has a new girlfriend, but you still have feelings for him.
The first thing to do is to step back and look at the situation.
Have you noticed that the first step is always to get a CLEAR PICTURE of the situation at hand?
You never want to take rash action. That is how you get in a bad situation to begin with.
Reacting with a level head is always the better option.
Do you only have feelings for him now because he’s in a new relationship?
There is something about someone who is off limits that just makes them that much more appealing. If you previously didn’t feel anything for your ex and only want them back now that you know they are with someone, you would do best to avoid him and move on. Another thing to consider is that person’s happiness. Is your ex truly happy? Do they seem happier than they were when they were with you?
As hard as it is to accept, sometimes we are just unable to meet another person’s needs. You wouldn’t want to be with someone knowing that they were not happy in the relationship. If your Ex truly seems happier then take yourself away from the situation and have faith that if the two of you are meant to be then the currently relationship will not last. Not sharing how you feel will be difficult but in the end, it will be better for both him…. and you.
However, if you still find yourself believing that you and your ex belong together, then remember to be tactical and smart about it.
If you approach the situation by trying to pull them apart then you will seem like a villain and an obstacle that will only push them closer together. Instead you should utilize what is known as the “Being There” method. The “Being There” method is exactly what it sounds like. You simply befriend your ex and become a positive light in his life. When he and his ex go through a rough patch, which they certainly will, you just listen to him, let him vent. Never make suggestions that they break up. But don’t give him advice that will keep them together either.
After a time he will either realize that he misses you and needs you in his life, or the ex will become paranoid and jealous that you are still in the picture and it will drive them apart without you having to lift a finger.
Once his relationship has ended continue to “Be There.” Don’t pressure him into anything until he has had time to heal. As in the other situations, timing and patience is most important when revealing that you still have feelings for your Ex.
If you are still curious about more tactics to get him back if he is seeing someone new, you can watch this video…
A Quick Recap
So, I think we’ve covered a lot for today, but let’s talk about what we talked about for a second.
Yeah. You read that right.
So, coming into an article titled “Should I Tell My Ex That I Have Feelings For Him?” you are probably still having feelings for your ex. And you are probably thinking that reaching out and telling him that you still love him might change his mind. Well, long story short, the answer is a resounding, “No!”
Follow the advice laid out in this article and in the Ex Recovery Program and get your ex back rather than push him away.
Let’s do something. Tell me below in the comments about your breakup.
I want to know
- The details of your breakup
- What you’ve done since the breakup
We are going to talk about it and ultimately we will decide together what direction you should take moving forward.