The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

leah

November 4, 2013 at 7:19 am

does it still count as NC if your ex is the one who kind of initiated the NC rule? like he didn’t respond to me and as such i left it lone for a week and he replied and i responded back and he didn’t respond back – from there i decided to start NC (before i read your website)… after 35 days of NC i contacted him – we’ve been talking maybe every 2-3 days now (its been a month… sigh). and every time we talk its a walk down memory lane – we always talk about the good things in the relationship and how it made us feel. he’s also commented on a few things that I used to do for him that he misses. i also made sure that the text ratio is ~ 1:1. sometimes i don’t respond and let him pick up the conversation again even though he was the last to respond. however, knowing my ex – he falls under the “stubborn” guy as in the past he was always chased – and i was the first girl he had to chase. it’s been a month of hitting him hard with the good memories of our relationship and he hasn’t tried to meet up in person or set up a way to meet up in person (although he keeps saying ohhh one day we’ll have to do this! or i need to give you back this)…. should i be the one to suggest meeting up for a lunch/coffee (not dinner as that seems too much)? in the meantime during the NC and while i’ve been talking to my ex i’ve been doing things for myself like exercising, going out with new potential guys, hanging out with my girlfriends and family. at the moment the pain isn’t as apparent and i know i don’t need him (like i know i can find someone else etc) but i want to work things out because i don’t want to look back and regret not trying. thanks chris!

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:32 pm

I think it still counts.

Go ahead and suggest a meet up. Maybe something with friends involved so it seems less threatening.
Leah

November 9, 2013 at 5:40 am

also based on the fact that we talk often (should i ease up on the frequency? – i’m worried i’ll turn to a text gnat) do you think i still have a chance? my nc was 35 days and ended oct 1 – so we’ve been in the texting phase for a little over a month… i’m patient but i’m worried that his feelings for me will dwindle and no matter how much i can text memories into his head it might not work. it’s been 3 months since we’ve broken up so i’ve started to adjust to the idea of him not in my life – but he chased for 3 months and then we dated for 6.5/7 — 3 months is ~1/2 of our relationship… do you think i’d still have a chance?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 1:01 am

Of course!
Leah

November 11, 2013 at 1:51 am

but don’t you find after a threshold of time the chances dwindle?
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Yes that is true. After a certain amount of time your chances fall. However, I think it all revolves around the emotional connection you have with that person and your ability to continuously tap into it.
Leah

November 9, 2013 at 5:37 am

what else would you suggest? part of our breakup was based on an argument that involved his female best friend. he promised to go to my convocation ceremony before we broke up (at his best friends convocation ironically) and it’s coming up this monday – should i invite him to that? my friends will be there -but i feel like i will only be able to talk to him for a few minutes before i have to attend to taking pictures with everyone else. plus we were pretty serious and my family & extended family who are attending have also met him before and they know we broke up. would you think the invitation to convocation is a good/bad idea? what other suggestions do you have?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:56 am

Hmm… if you are still in NC I wouldn’t
Leah

November 10, 2013 at 9:33 pm

my nc was 35 days and ended oct 1 – so over a month ago; would u still recommend?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 10:05 pm

What do you think? re do it or not?
Leah

November 11, 2013 at 1:50 am

just for clarification… re do what? i was thinking of inviting him so then its not like a crazy serious thing and meet up for a few minutes and theres other people around since he’s already on the campus (he’s still in post grad program)?
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:16 pm

The truth is that you know your situation better than I do so if your gut is telling you to do something I would go with it!
leah

November 4, 2013 at 7:28 am

i’m worried that if i ask him to coffee or lunch i’ll be the puller 🙁 and i want to be the pusher :p
admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:33 pm

I hear you but sometimes in order to get where we want we have to take a chance.

Naina

November 4, 2013 at 6:31 am

Side note: I am that “stubborn girl”, so I am very good at the NC rule to the point that I don’t want to have to text him first. So maybe I’m a little too good at it.

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:59 am

Haha so the two of you are too stubborn to talk to eachother huh?
Naina

November 4, 2013 at 5:35 pm

Hahahaha basically 0:) And thank you for your response in the previous comment!
admin

November 5, 2013 at 4:50 pm

No problem
Naina

November 4, 2013 at 5:45 pm

And basically, I have good reason to be stubborn. He did the whole “you’re going to have a harder time getting over this than me” speech, and I just want to turn the tables on him, hence why I am reallyyy good at NC. If he didn’t say that kind of BS, I would totally have been more willing to contact him after 30 days. I’m also deciding if I even want him back or not. Just in case that I do decide to, I am following these rules to be on the safe side. Who knows, I could possibly change my mind sometime soon.

PS. We love you too! Thank you for all that you do 🙂
admin

November 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Well whatever happens or whatever you choose you have all of our support!

Naina

November 4, 2013 at 6:27 am

Question when it comes to the stubborn guy: You didn’t really mention what happens after someone starts to play the victim role. Do they eventually give up the game and text the girl? I am just not sure how you can win with someone like this, since they are probably doing a better job of NC than the girl. Do you still do the contact text after 30 days in this scenario? I feel like that would work against you if you end up texting them first? If you could further clarify how to handle a stubborn guy, that would be greatly appreciated! Thanks 🙂

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:59 am

How is it that I slaved all weekend to get this guide out and within seconds it already has comments?

Gotta say I kind of love this website and everyone reading it :).

Stubborn guys are hard to deal with. The thing to remember about them though is that deep down they do want to talk to you so while you may send your initial text after the 30 days they will likely respond to it.

Now in the event that you sending a text works against you I would say that the stubborness won’t last forever. After a certain amount of time it will subside you just have to realize that the process may take longer than you were hoping.
em

November 4, 2013 at 4:21 pm

first off, thank you once again chris for this. i’m sure everyone is definitely appreciating this guide!

i’ve probably read every article on here 3 times each thusfar, personally. even the ones that didnt apply to me.

for me in my LDR the last time he saw me we had many good moments, but i think hes focusing on the stressful ones that didn’t make it that much fun. which made him not talk to me for 5 days after i left which drove me crazy, and when he did finally talk to me we got in a fight. he was saying it could work out until i said “maybe this won’t work out”. then he decided to break up with me. and i made things worse.

i tried contacting him twice (like i told you) in long messages 15 days after we talked. he ignored them. then i found the site and decided on NC

i have 8 days left. he still has never contacted me.

i think he’s a stubborn guy. he was afraid talking to me he’d develop feelings again (although he said he loved me but wasnt IN love with me) and go through what happened (me wanting him to be more mature about things). i realized i couldve been patient. he kept saying he didnt deserve me and to move on.

i feel like the chances are he didnt respond to my messages because they were long and emotional and kind of begging. i left a bad aftertaste i think. it feels like he’s dropped all feeling for me.

these kinds of guys i feel like love the NC period.

if he’s a combination of being both stubborn and scared (of rejection, not being enough again), do you really think a text can show him otherwise? all i want to do is apologize and tell him i understand and im sorry.

i guess i just have a hard time believing the text thing could bring him back and forgive me and understand me. i even got the TYEB modules.
admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:42 pm

I think it can but the thing you have to remember is to take things really slow. Almost in baby steps. It will take some time but it is very possible. Just be really slow with him.
em

November 5, 2013 at 6:45 pm

i typed up this long message kind of explaining what i think happened and how i went wrong and how i’d like to open things back up between us.

i realized what happened all along is we were both scared about things and never told the other how we felt…because we were scared of losing eachother. that i’m sorry for pushing him away, and that the breakup was a good decision because it’ll allow the chance to develop a deeper friendship.

i’m really, really terrified if i don’t correctly apologize and explain what happened all along he won’t bother trying to talk to me. i guess i should wait until i try the casual memory text and see. but i’m fighting the urge to do this, it makes me feel slightly sick! i’m also scared though if i do send it it’ll be too much (it’s not a very emotional message, its more of an analytic afterthought) he’ll consider it closure and reject it. or picking up may be awkward.

basically, i definitely want things to go slowly. the baby steps. anything that happens so fast is usually over just as fast. but i’m not sure if i should make the these things ive realized known to him first? or if the texts work, wait and ask him if we could talk?

it’s a dumb question, but Chris would you want to know?
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:43 pm

Maybe you can apologize and then do NC if its bugging you that much.
em

November 7, 2013 at 2:30 pm

i did just that, and i feel much better. i had about 6 days left but it was important i do this to move on. i think though this guy is different, and he;s not going to reply back or reach out or try. i’m not sure what’s going on in his head. his friends and family don’t know, he won’t talk to anybody. he’s kind of just pretending and won’t even acknowledge anything. he didn’t even tell people why he broke up with me.

and trust me, it was never that extreme to warrant ignoring me and all of this. we just both became stressed and scared of the future but never explained it to the other so it put a wall between us. we didn’t talk about our feelings or fears because we were scared of losing the other when it caused just that. any rational person can see this can be overcome.theres no reason why it cant.

but i’ve decided to stay in NC permanently. i laid down the pavement for us to start over and it was reeeeeally good pavement. any sane person would respond back. he loves me, he’s just likely going through something. he needs to learn and mature and realize a lot about himself, myself, our relationship, and the grand scheme of life i think before we can ever talk again. and i’ll leave that up to him.

i stayed positive, and mature, and have no regrets in what i said and if that’s our last “communication” i’ll be okay.

i don’t think i gave up, i think i just accepted the ball just isn’t in my court for this one. some guys are just weird. i feel like your tactics would work on most guys though. my case was weird and i have no control over the other side.

i’d like to hope he’d reply soon. that love would come through WHATEVER weird crap he’s going through or thinking. but you can’t save everyone. i left it up to him. i didn’t believe in fate until we met. everything was perfect minus distance. but if we’re meant to be, HE will come back and ready. he’s not ready right now.and probably won’t for be for months if not years.

one can only do so much, be so understanding, and willing to compromise.

thank you chris for everything. i’ll still come read this site out of curiosity.
admin

November 7, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Of course!

You were an interesting person to meet and stay in touch!
em

November 11, 2013 at 6:29 am

hey chris.

while i felt very good and still dont regret sending my letter as it was very adult and gave me closure he of course ignored it

i found out 3 days later he entered in a relationship with a friend of mine.

i’m so sure it’s a rebound…it’s been only a month and a half since he dumped me, but it just hurts so badly as she’s doing all i wanted to do with him. especially since this friend had always been friendly to me and supported our relationship.

i’m pretty much going to stay in NC for the rest of my life unless he does something, and i don’t think he would or for a long time.

i wanted to send him back the things he gave me. i deleted and removed all traces of him online or in my life and took off family on facebook.

my goal isn’t to get him back. if he wants to try and get me back he’ll have to earn me, but i’ve concluded he’s too young and immature to do that. and if he did it’d be years from now. i don’t really want him back, because this hurt way too much to find out and i’ve done nothing but try and be civil and mature.

does sending back the things send a desperate message?

should i tell him in the package not to send me anything back because i don’t want it or should i just resend it if he sends it to me?
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:32 pm

Man what a great friend you have (eye roll.)

If they are his things I think he is entitled to them.

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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”