Today I’m going to show you the biggest mistakes that women make when they are trying to win their exes back.
The mistakes that I am going to list here today have been connected to hundreds of situations where women have been unsuccessful at salvaging their relationships.
- Breaking The No Contact Rule
- Going Too Fast Too Soon
- Living Together With Your Ex After A Breakup
- Waiting For Them To Text You First
- Being A GNAT
- No Curiosity Hook In Conversations
- Going Through The Process Without A Plan
- Doing Too Long Of A No Contact Rule
- Writing A Letter To Your Ex
- Sending A Gift To Your Ex
- Wishing Your Ex A Happy Birthday During No Contact
- Not Even Doing A No Contact Rule
- Being Emotionally Unstable
- Sleeping With Your Ex
- Getting Into A Fight With Your Ex
- Expecting Results Too Fast
- Not Being Able To Outgrow Your Ex
- Giving Your Ex An Ultimatum
Let’s take an in-depth look at these mistakes and why they are momentum killers.
Mistake #1: Breaking The No Contact Rule Too Soon
Throughout the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have talked a lot about the no contact rule.
In fact, I’ve talked a lot about it on my YouTube channel too.
So, if you’re wanting a complete run down of what it is and how it should be employed I recommend that you check those resources out.
What I’m here to talk about today is the single biggest mistake that I see people making when they try a no contact rule out on their ex.
The break it far too soon.
In fact, our independent studies have found that close to 80% of our clients who implement a no contact rule will break it prematurely.
Now, what do you think that means?
Breaking it too soon.
Think of it like this.
We are famous here for recommending three different time frames for the no contact rule.
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
Go here to figure out how long you should be doing your no contact period.
If you determine that you are supposed to be doing the 30 day rule then that means that you need to ignore your ex for 30 straight days.
But so much can happen.
What happens if around day 8 your ex texts you this,
The temptation to talk to them is going to be at an all time high.
You can see why so many exes falter when it comes to “staying true” to their no contact time period.
But why is it a mistake?
Well, contrary to popular belief having to do a no contact rule over and over again will actually hamper your chances of success.
As a general rule of thumb I tell my clients that every time you have to restart a no contact rule it loses effectiveness.
Mistake #2: Going Too Fast, Too Soon
Another thing that I’ve made famous here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is my concept of the value chain.
Essentially it’s the ultimate blueprint for “winning an ex back.”
Something that me and my team have refined over half a decade to help people have a better chance of success when it comes to reconnecting with their exes.
Of course, coming up with something as amazing as “the value chain” is nice but it spawned a very unique problem.
People who would buy my course would learn about how the value chain worked and try to work through it as fast as possible.
Normally a value chain is supposed to be progressed through very slowly like this,
Step by painful step.
However, something we began to notice about our clients is that they would completely disregard the natural progression of the value chain because they were too eager to get to the end.
So, instead of going from the no contact rule phase to the texting phase they’d skip two whole steps and ask for a date right out of the no contact rule.
Imagine how awkward that must be.
Going too fast, too soon is the death of success.
Mistake #3: Living Together With An Ex After A Breakup
Most of the clients that I work with do not live with their exes.
However, every once in a while I’ll work with someone who does live with their ex. This always makes everything more complicated as strategies like the no contact rule become less effective.
In the past I used to tell my clients that it wasn’t that big of a deal but over the years I’ve gotten quite a bit of experience with how to handle this situation.
One of the best things that you can do for yourself if you find yourself in a situation where you live with your ex is to find a way to remove yourself from that situation.
Now, it’s not always possible for everyone but for most it is and it’s something that my team and I highly recommend you do.
Well, a lot of the strategies we teach lean on this idea of absence making the heart grow fonder.
Put more simply,
The fear of loss
It’s very difficult to achieve this fear of loss if you are seeing your ex every single day.
Not to mention it makes an amazing strategy like the no contact rule less effective as you have to alter it into a “limited contact” rule.
Honestly, there isn’t much more I can say to expand on this other than the simple fact that if you live with your ex find a way to get out of that situation.
Mistake #4: Waiting For Them To Text You First
Most of the people who go through my course are women.
And the funny thing about women is that they have this inherent belief that they shouldn’t ever have to make a first move.
And in most cases this inherent belief is a positive thing.
However, breakups tend to be one particular situation where this “wait for them to text me first” rule isn’t that effective.
If there’s one thing I want to leave you with today it’s the fact that what matters the most isn’t who starts the conversation but who ends it.
I’ve talked about that in depth in this particular video.
Obsessing about who texts who first is all about your own personal pride.
Let me ask you a question.
If you are intent on getting your ex back but are unable to do so because you refuse to take a chance and reach out to them first can you live with yourself?
At the end of the day are you ok with missing that opportunity.
I feel like there is this dangerous narrative where people believe who starts a conversation is indicative of who cares more.
Sometimes that logic holds but I’ve found that what makes a more lasting impression is who ends the conversation and more important where the conversation is ended.
Memory experts often cite this idea of the peak end rule.
Peak End Rule: Human beings often remember experiences based on the peak of the experience and the end of the experience.
Notice how it says nothing about the start of the experience.
Stop obsessing about having your ex reach out to you first.
Start obsessing about ending the conversation first.
Mistake #5: You Are Too Much Of A GNAT
No, I’m not talking about those annoying bugs that fly around your head and never leave you alone.
Actually I am talking about that.
Think for a moment of how annoying and disgusting you find it when gnats swarm around you. It seems that no matter how fast you run or hard you swat they don’t go away.
That’s how it can sometimes feel to an ex who becomes annoyed with you during conversations.
Being a “GNAT” is one of the most common behaviors I see men and women making after a breakup.
Oh, by the way GNAT is an acronym that stands for,
The important thing I want to leave you with here is the fact that this isn’t just about “going crazy in your texting conversations” being a GNAT can have many different applications.
It’s sort of the acronym my students use to describe all kinds of desperate behaviors when it comes to breakups.
Here are some of the most popular GNATTY behaviors.
- Texting an ex non stop
- Begging for an ex back
- Acting very desperate
- Giving an ex an ultimatum
- Not getting the hint of when a conversation should be over
If you’ve engaged in any of these types of behaviors then you have exhibited GNAT behavior and that isn’t a good thing.
Mistake #6: No Curiosity Hook In Conversations
One of the coolest parts of going through the course here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that it gives you access to an amazing Facebook Group full of individuals who are going through breakups themselves.
The Facebook group has fast become one of the staples of our program.
It’s a place where women can go to get support and learn about what’s working.
Anyways, one of the most interesting aspects of the whole group are some of the collection of text messages they have utilized to get responses from their exes.
In fact, in the facebook group you can see there is an entire album dedicated to successful first text messages.
One look at that album and it becomes clear that there is a common theme among the successful text messages.
Each one has an inherent curiosity hook embedded within it.
What’s a curiosity hook?
I’m glad you asked.
Curiosity Hook – It’s an element of a conversation that is so intriguing your ex can’t help but respond or ask about it.
One of the biggest challenges that most of my clients face is figuring out exactly how to get an ex to respond to them.
Most of the time the text messages they come up with to do just that are awful.
Isn’t going to cut it.
There’s no incentive for your ex to even respond to that.
Now, let’s compare that to one of the text messages in the facebook group album.
What’s the first thought that is probably going to come into an exes head upon receiving this text message?
This creates enough of a hook to get them to bite.
Texting an ex is a lot like fishing. You just need to figure out what will make them bite and that’s when you have them right where you want them.
Mistake #7: Going Through The Process Without Any Kind Of Plan
Look, I’m going to level with you.
I’m aware of the fact that most of the people who read this article that want their exes back will disregard my advice and do things their way.
I get that.
However, let me tell you why that is a major mistake.
Most of the people who try to get their exes back in general fail.
Your relationship ended for a reason and you are embarking on a journey to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do.
If you don’t have any kind of plan for success you probably won’t succeed.
I’m not saying that to be rude I’m saying that because I’ve seen so many people try and fail and without any kind of plan your chances of success are much lower.
There’s also the people who on the opposite end of the spectrum who spend all their time searching for a plan and stumble across all these great ideas that they think will work but in the end get information overload and can’t stick to just one core plan.
That’s a mistake too because with this kind of scenario all that really matters is having a plan and sticking to it.
Not having a plan is a mistake.
And having more than one plan that you are implementing at once is a mistake as well.
Pick one plan and stick to it.
Mistake #8: Doing Too Long Of A No Contact Rule
Have you ever heard of our habit rule?
Basically a few years ago when researching exactly how long it takes to form a habit (and thereby break a habit) we discovered the magic number of 66 days.
In other words, it takes 66 days in order to form a habit or break a habit.
This is particularly useful when considering mistake number eight.
The no contact rule is without a doubt the foundation of the entire strategy that we teach here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. In fact, without it your chances of successfully winning your ex back plummet.
Yet sometimes our clients fall in love with the idea of no contact a little too much and stay in it for too long.
Contrary to what you may hear we have found that timing is a very important part of the get your ex back process.
If you stay in no contact for too long without trying to reach out at all then you’ll find your ex may have already moved on from you.
So, what’s the sweet spot for “too long” of a no contact?
If your no contact rule is longer than 90 days straight you are in dangerous territory.
Mistake #9: Writing A Letter To Your Ex
My take on this is a bit unique.
Often my clients will ask me what I have against letters and the honest answer is nothing.
The issue is that in my decade of time at the helm of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have never seen them work except in one specific circumstance.
And that specific circumstance shouldn’t really count because it’s when you have essentially already won your ex back.
So, why don’t letters seem to work in 99% of situations.
Well, the hidden key that no one really wants to talk about is that getting an ex back becomes exponentially easier if you’re able shift your anxious behaviors into more secure ones.
Yet often when writing a letter to our exes we are pouring our hearts out and often time apologizing.
Maybe not flat out begging for an ex back but doing enough to trigger your exes eye roll reflex.
It looks incredibly desperate and the last thing you need to be projecting to your ex is desperate types of behaviors.
Mistake #10: Sending A Gift To Your Ex
When I was in my early twenties I was set up with a girl, Katie, I think her name was, by my best friend and his girlfriend.
She had just gotten out of a long relationship (six years) and I was a few years removed from my last relationship.
The two of us went on a few dates and really hit it off but my best friends girlfriend told me that she probably wasn’t in a place where she would be ready to commit.
I didn’t care.
Telling me that almost made me want her more.
And so I decided I was going to do everything in my power to make this girl my girlfriend.
I bought her flowers and continually sent her gifts.
She loved it.
But after a few weeks of “wooing” I worked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend officially.
She declined saying she was just out of a relationship.
It was my very first lesson in the fact that gifts do not mean anything unless you are really in a relationship already.
In my mind I thought that if I bought these gifts for this girl she would immediately see how great I was and be interested in pursuing a relationship.
As if the gifts were what she cared about.
Here’s my point.
You and your ex have just gone through a breakup and you probably are considering winning them back.
Buying them a gift won’t help them make that decision.
Don’t get me wrong, they’ll accept the gift but they won’t commit to you over it.
Instead, all you really do by getting your ex gifts is making them realize how much you still are into them.
Something you’re actually trying to avoid.
Mistake #11: Wishing Your Ex A Happy Birthday During No Contact
Ah, the bane of my existence.
I’ve been on record many times stating my thoughts on this,
But to put it in a nutshell.
I believe that breaking the no contact rule, something you’re supposed to hold strong on, to simply wish your ex a happy birthday is a gigantic mistake.
Is it a nice thing to do? Yes.
Is it going to show your ex that you still care? Yes
But what it also does is ruin your discipline during no contact and let’s get real, if you really convinced yourself that wishing your ex a happy birthday was going to be the main factor in them taking you back you have bigger problems.
Wishing your ex a happy birthday has no bearing on whether they take you back or not.
Our society is too obsessed with worrying about what others think.
Here’s a thought.
Who cares what your ex thinks.
That’s the mentality that you need to have during no contact.
Oh, one other thing wishing your ex a happy birthday does.
It indulges your obsession at a time when you’re supposed to be outgrowing it.
That obsession being your ex.
Mistake #12: Not Even Doing A No Contact Rule
There are two types of people who come to this website.
- The prophets
- The practitioners
At first these two are identical.
Both come and read the free material. Both think to themselves,
“Wow, Chris is right.”
Both make a supreme declaration that they are going to follow the advice to a T.
Where they begin to deviate is when it comes to implementation.
Take the most important strategy to get right, the no contact rule.
The prophets tell themselves constantly that they need to do a no contact rule but never actually follow through on it.
Maybe they make it a day without talking to their ex but eventually fear takes over and they go right back to talking to their ex.
- A prophet is someone who THINKS they know what they are doing.
- A practitioner is someone who ACTUALLY knows what they are doing.
When they learn about the fact that they need to do a no contact rule they show extreme discipline and do it.
But why is it such a mistake to NOT do a no contact rule?
What’s the big deal.
Besides all the psychological benefits of a no contact rule what it really does is gets you in the right frame of mind before you begin talking to your ex.
It helps you confront the fear of loss and rather than cowering from it to actually accept it.
Yes, you may have lost your ex forever but that’s ok. You’re going to be ok.
The no contact rule helps you have that type of mentality which oddly enough turns your ex on.
Don’t deprive yourself of this insight by not even doing a no contact rule.
Mistake #13: Being Emotionally Unstable
We are big believers in attachment theory here.
If you aren’t familiar there are four core types of attachment styles,
- Secure: Deals with breakups normally. Grieves and then moves on realizing their life isn’t over.
- Anxious: Deals with breakups by overcorrecting and often is “too much” as they try to fix problems that can’t be fixed overnight.
- Avoidant: Deals with breakups by leaving or ghosting.
- Fearful: Is the odd combination between both anxious behaviors and avoidant behaviors.
What we know from working with clients the last ten years is that most of our clients actually exhibit anxious insecure behavior after a breakup.
- They beg
- They plead
- They show up at their exes work
- They show up at their exes house
- They write LOOOONNNGGGG letters
You get the picture.
Essentially they are the type of individuals with no emotional control.
You’ll often hear us say that you shouldn’t be talking to your ex until you have emotional control.
But what is that?
Well, I personally believe that’s just a fancy way of saying that you’re exhibiting more secure attachment tendencies.
I’ll give you a prime example.
Imagine for a moment that your ex is an avoidant meaning they just disappear off the face of the earth when things get hard for a little bit.
A secure person recognizes their need for time and gives them that time.
An anxious person disregards their need for time and crowds them trying to fix a problem that can’t be fixed.
In other words, an anxious person has no self control when it comes to their relationships.
It’s not that I’m saying the anxious person is wrong. Often times their concern comes from a place of kindness but it’s too much for many exes.
They need to work on their emotional control.
Mistake #14: Sleeping With Your Ex
Most people think that the hardest part of getting an ex back is that period of no contact.
The no contact rule is a test of discipline on your part.
Once you master your mind you’re usually good to go.
The hardest part is building rapport part and getting a commitment part.
Usually what happens with exes is that you are able to build rapport and things will seemingly be going extremely but you can’t get a commitment.
This is typically when our clients convince themselves that if they sleep with their ex they will suddenly have this epiphany and want them back.
What happens instead is they damn themselves to the friends with benefits stage and it becomes exponentially harder to get out of it.
Well, sleeping with your ex while you aren’t in a committed relationship indicates to them that they can have their cake (their freedom) and eat it too (sleeping with you.)
So, let me make this easy for you.
Do not sleep with your ex after a breakup.
Wait until you have them back before doing that.
Mistake #15: Getting Into A Fight With Your Ex
I always find this one kind of tricky and you’ll see why in a moment but first let me describe what I’m really talking about here.
Let’s say you want your ex back very badly and you start our program to do so.
Things seem to be going well and then your ex says or does something that just enrages you causing you to speak up and eventually you start a fight.
This happens a lot more than you’d imagine.
So, what’s the best way to handle it?
Well, I don’t think allowing an ex to be rude to you is ever ok. I think standing up for yourself is a must.
At the same time there is a difference between standing up for yourself and picking a knock out drag out fight with your ex.
Let’s use a real example.
Someone in our private Facebook support group got this text message for her ex,
– She asks a question
– What am I your assistant? Figure it out for yourself.
So, how should she respond to an ex.
Well, my approach would be to immediately trigger fear of loss in a happy way.
– No worries, I’ll ask someone else.
When dealing with exes you need to be unflappable. Nothing they say should bother you because you need to evolve to a point where nothing they say can bother you.
Mistake #16: Expecting Results Too Fast
I’ve got potentially bad news for you.
This process is not going to happen overnight. In fact, I recently recorded a success story video where I went through what we’ve learned in the past few years from our success stories.
On average it takes our success stories 5.2 months before they end up getting their exes back.
And that’s not including the time before they came into our orbit.
I’ve found that most people tend to come to us with completely unrealistic expectations about how long this process takes.
They literally think it takes 30 days to win an ex back and this kind of false narrative is dangerous because it causes them to quit earlier when they don’t see the immediate results they are expecting.
Temper your expectations before you begin this process.
Mistake #17: Not Being Able To Outgrow Your Ex
Everyones always looking for the quick results.
But that’s not what I’m about.
I’m far more interested in the sustainable results.
So, what creates sustainable results?
Well, upon interviewing success stories it’s really not about a special strategy or a special tactic but rather a mindset that you have when you implement those strategies and tactics.
I like to call it outgrowing your ex.
You get to a point emotionally where you’re so strong that you honestly don’t care if you get your ex back or not.
When you begin our program with that mindset your results are exponentially better.
Yet most people never achieve this mindset because they let fear control them.
I’m worried my ex will move on.
I’m worried ignoring my ex will hurt his feelings.
I’m worried my ex will never talk to me again.
These are anxious attachment style fears and really prove that you haven’t gotten to a point emotionally where you simply don’t care.
Mistake #18: Giving Your Ex An Ultimatum
Ultimatums don’t work.
Well, perhaps I should say explicitly stated ones don’t work.
Saying, “If you don’t come back to me in ten days I’ll be gone forever” is not only a tactical error it’s just childish.
What’s more effective is if you actually backed up your threat without actually telling your ex about it.
That’s the kind of stuff that’s eye opening for an ex.
Show don’t tell!
But at their core ultimatums with exes are a bad match for a number of reasons.
Imagine for a moment you use an ultimatum on your ex and they come back to you. Wouldn’t you always wonder if the only reason they came back to you was because you leveled the ultimatum at them?
But most of the time I find women using ultimatums on their exes actually can’t back up their threats.
They say if you don’t come back to me in ten days I’ll be gone forever.
Yet after those ten days they aren’t gone forever.
Plus let’s be honest. Ultimatums is a childish thing to do.