Today I’m going to show you the biggest mistakes that women make when they are trying to win their exes back.

The mistakes that I am going to list here today have been connected to hundreds of situations where men and women have been unsuccessful at salvaging their relationships.

Let’s dive right in.

The Seven Biggest Mistakes That Women Are Making When They Try To Win Their Exes Back

In all there are seven mistakes that I’d like to talk to you about today.

The thinking here is that if you can avoid these seven mistakes you can improve your odds of winning your ex back.

Let’s take a moment and look at what these seven common mistakes are.

  1. Breaking The No Contact Rule
  2. Going Too Fast, Too Soon
  3. Living Together With Your Ex After The Breakup
  4. Waiting For Them To Text You First
  5. Being A GNAT
  6. No Curiosity Hook In Conversations
  7. Going Through The Process Without Any Kind Of Plan

What I’d like to do now is take some time and describe what each one of these mistakes entails.

Mistake #1: Breaking The No Contact Rule Too Soon

Throughout the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have talked a lot about the no contact rule.

In fact, I’ve talked a lot about it on my YouTube channel too.

So, if you’re wanting a complete run down of what it is and how it should be employed I recommend that you check those resources out.

What I’m here to talk about today is the single biggest mistake that I see people making when they try a no contact rule out on their ex.

The break it far too soon.

In fact, our independent studies have found that close to 80% of our clients who implement a no contact rule will break it prematurely.

Now, what do you think that means?

Breaking it too soon.

Think of it like this.

We are famous here for recommending three different time frames for the no contact rule.

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Go here to figure out how long you should be doing your no contact period.

If you determine that you are supposed to be doing the 30 day rule then that means that you need to ignore your ex for 30 straight days.

But so much can happen.

What happens if around day 8 your ex texts you this,

The temptation to talk to them is going to be at an all time high.

You can see why so many exes falter when it comes to “staying true” to their no contact time period.

But why is it a mistake?

Well, contrary to popular belief having to do a no contact rule over and over again will actually hamper your chances of success.

As a general rule of thumb I tell my clients that every time you have to restart a no contact rule it loses effectiveness.

Mistake #2: Going Too Fast, Too Soon

Another thing that I’ve made famous here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is my concept of the value chain.

Essentially it’s the ultimate blueprint for “winning an ex back.”

Something that me and my team have refined over half a decade to help people have a better chance of success when it comes to reconnecting with their exes.

Of course, coming up with something as amazing as “the value chain” is nice but it spawned a very unique problem.

People who would buy my course would learn about how the value chain worked and try to work through it as fast as possible.

Normally a value chain is supposed to be progressed through very slowly like this,

Step by painful step.

However, something we began to notice about our clients is that they would completely disregard the natural progression of the value chain because they were too eager to get to the end.

So, instead of going from the no contact rule phase to the texting phase they’d skip two whole steps and ask for a date right out of the no contact rule.

Imagine how awkward that must be.

Going too fast, too soon is the death of success.

Remember that.

Mistake #3: Living Together With An Ex After A Breakup

Most of the clients that I work with do not live with their exes.

However, every once in a while I’ll work with someone who does live with their ex. This always makes everything more complicated as strategies like the no contact rule become less effective.

In the past I used to tell my clients that it wasn’t that big of a deal but over the years I’ve gotten quite a bit of experience with how to handle this situation.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself if you find yourself in a situation where you live with your ex is to find a way to remove yourself from that situation.

Now, it’s not always possible for everyone but for most it is and it’s something that my team and I highly recommend you do.

But why?

Well, a lot of the strategies we teach lean on this idea of absence making the heart grow fonder.

Put more simply,

The fear of loss

It’s very difficult to achieve this fear of loss if you are seeing your ex every single day.

Not to mention it makes an amazing strategy like the no contact rule less effective as you have to alter it into a “limited contact” rule.

Honestly, there isn’t much more I can say to expand on this other than the simple fact that if you live with your ex find a way to get out of that situation.

Mistake #4: Waiting For Them To Text You First

Most of the people who go through my course are women.

And the funny thing about women is that they have this inherent belief that they shouldn’t ever have to make a first move.

And in most cases this inherent belief is a positive thing.

However, breakups tend to be one particular situation where this “wait for them to text me first” rule isn’t that effective.

If there’s one thing I want to leave you with today it’s the fact that what matters the most isn’t who starts the conversation but who ends it.

I’ve talked about that in depth in this particular video.

Obsessing about who texts who first is all about your own personal pride.

Let me ask you a question.

If you are intent on getting your ex back but are unable to do so because you refuse to take a chance and reach out to them first can you live with yourself?

At the end of the day are you ok with missing that opportunity.

I feel like there is this dangerous narrative where people believe who starts a conversation is indicative of who cares more.

Sometimes that logic holds but I’ve found that what makes a more lasting impression is who ends the conversation and more important where the conversation is ended.

Memory experts often cite this idea of the peak end rule.

Peak End Rule: Human beings often remember experiences based on the peak of the experience and the end of the experience.

Notice how it says nothing about the start of the experience.

Stop obsessing about having your ex reach out to you first.

Start obsessing about ending the conversation first.

Mistake #5: You Are Too Much Of A GNAT

No, I’m not talking about those annoying bugs that fly around your head and never leave you alone.


Actually I am talking about that.

Think for a moment of how annoying and disgusting you find it when gnats swarm around you. It seems that no matter how fast you run or hard you swat they don’t go away.

That’s how it can sometimes feel to an ex who becomes annoyed with you during conversations.

Being a “GNAT” is one of the most common behaviors I see men and women making after a breakup.

Oh, by the way GNAT is an acronym that stands for,

G- Going

N- Nuts

A- At

T- Texting

The important thing I want to leave you with here is the fact that this isn’t just about “going crazy in your texting conversations” being a GNAT can have many different applications.

It’s sort of the acronym my students use to describe all kinds of desperate behaviors when it comes to breakups.

Here are some of the most popular GNATTY behaviors.

  • Texting an ex non stop
  • Begging for an ex back
  • Acting very desperate
  • Giving an ex an ultimatum
  • Not getting the hint of when a conversation should be over

If you’ve engaged in any of these types of behaviors then you have exhibited GNAT behavior and that isn’t a good thing.

Mistake #6: No Curiosity Hook In Conversations

One of the coolest parts of going through the course here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that it gives you access to an amazing Facebook Group full of individuals who are going through breakups themselves.

The Facebook group has fast become one of the staples of our program.

It’s a place where women can go to get support and learn about what’s working.

Anyways, one of the most interesting aspects of the whole group are some of the collection of text messages they have utilized to get responses from their exes.

In fact, in the facebook group you can see there is an entire album dedicated to successful first text messages.

One look at that album and it becomes clear that there is a common theme among the successful text messages.

Each one has an inherent curiosity hook embedded within it.

What’s a curiosity hook?

I’m glad you asked.

Curiosity Hook – It’s an element of a conversation that is so intriguing your ex can’t help but respond or ask about it.

One of the biggest challenges that most of my clients face is figuring out exactly how to get an ex to respond to them.

Most of the time the text messages they come up with to do just that are awful.

Simply texting,

Isn’t going to cut it.

There’s no incentive for your ex to even respond to that.

Now, let’s compare that to one of the text messages in the facebook group album.

What’s the first thought that is probably going to come into an exes head upon receiving this text message?

“What news?”

This creates enough of a hook to get them to bite.

Texting an ex is a lot like fishing. You just need to figure out what will make them bite and that’s when you have them right where you want them.

Mistake #7: Going Through The Process Without Any Kind Of Plan

Look, I’m going to level with you.

I’m aware of the fact that most of the people who read this article that want their exes back will disregard my advice and do things their way.

I get that.

However, let me tell you why that is a major mistake.

Most of the people who try to get their exes back in general fail.

Your relationship ended for a reason and you are embarking on a journey to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do.

If you don’t have any kind of plan for success you probably won’t succeed.

I’m not saying that to be rude I’m saying that because I’ve seen so many people try and fail and without any kind of plan your chances of success are much lower.

There’s also the people who on the opposite end of the spectrum who spend all their time searching for a plan and stumble across all these great ideas that they think will work but in the end get information overload and can’t stick to just one core plan.

That’s a mistake too because with this kind of scenario all that really matters is having a plan and sticking to it.

Not having a plan is a mistake.

And having more than one plan that you are implementing at once is a mistake as well.

Pick one plan and stick to it.

20 thoughts on “The Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get An Ex Back”

  1. Avatar


    August 14, 2019 at 10:27 pm

    Hey Chris

    I recently broke up with my ex we were together for 1 year we moved in quickly and my ex wasn’t very honest wihh in our realtionship and cheated twice after being able to leave home he left me and I just can’t get over it we spent every day together we got on so well. I’m not sure if he’s maybe needs some space alone since the last 6 months we have been close every day but I keep calling and he gets more and more angry. I just want him to miss me what should I do to make him talk to me or miss me please help


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    August 8, 2019 at 10:06 pm

    Long story short I’ve know this guy for a year and a half. He wanted to be together and I didn’t then he got a girlfriend and the tables turned. Once they broke up for good we started hanging out again and I asked him out he said he liked me and loved hang out but wasn’t ready. I sent a message saying we couldn’t be friends anymore but a few days later realize I over reacted so I sent him a text he replied friendly but then said “I thought you hated me “ I jokingly said “I did but now I’m over it lol” and he never replied . Should I reached out again or start no contact

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 9, 2019 at 4:36 am

      Perhaps you should explore around the edges

  3. Avatar


    August 6, 2019 at 10:35 am

    Dear Chris,

    It is not about an ex but I would really appreciate your opinion. I’ve been reading your site before and successfully got back my ex, it was a few years ago, we didn’t last but nevermind. It was for the better.

    I have been chatting with one guy for two weeks every day, long distance, we have never met but he would like to meet me. However I am not sure if he likes me or he is just trying to get laid. He started to mention me in that context, mentioning me naked although jokingly but still. I told him I don’t want that type of adventure. He continued about me naked and then he stopped.
    I don’t know how to react.
    My male friend said that he and his ex were joking about sex during typing phase before meeting live but I don’t know.
    Before in life, when I would accept that kind of jokes it would end in fwb situation.
    I don’t want to seem some boring prude to him but I want him to take me more seriously and want to know if he sees me as a girlfriend material. But I can’t ask him that because we haven’t even met yet. It’s long distance and we won’t be able to meet for some time.

    I would really appreciate your advice. Does men mention sex when they want a commitment also?

  4. Avatar


    August 5, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    I really need help ,

    Ive listened to all your things pod cast brought the pro and read the book and I think Ive already stuffed up .. ive worked on me apart from losing weight from not being able to eat after the break up and having a major injury stopping me from working i am now stuck on the me part. so how and where do I start now .
    Back story:
    Relationship/ on and off long distance for 2 years , but on the last 6months .
    The break up-
    I sent a really bad text over a fight because didnt get enough time together that was it and we never spoke for 2 months (no contact ) ,both being suborn and both went on dates with others during that time.
    But then i moved home to where he lives we slept together, then talked / fought he said he needed space (i cried and sent texts like i love you blah blah blah how much i wanted him he said he needed space and that we wanted different things i begged that we didnt) and so i didnt message for 2 week- then i started texting , he texted for a bit and now hes ingoring me and wont reply to anything. i think hes seeing the another girl , we also share a puppy but ive asked can i see the puppy and still no reply. What do i do ? Where do i start , i went back to the no contact rule when he stopped replying and when i first heard your advice, its been 2 weeks … and now this weekend i will see him at a function and possibly with his new partner im panicking what to do and say and have I already stuffed it up in getting him back.


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    August 4, 2019 at 10:52 am

    Hi chris,
    Recently I started meeting an ex after 3 years apart. It was going ok, we met on a few occasions and we slept together once. He continued to call me and ask me to meet him, until the other day. We spent the night together. Then in the morning I woke up feeling hurt because I wanted to cuddle him and I couldn’t, I said to him bluntly that I don’t wanna carry on if it was just this he wanted, he didn’t chat about it much. Then I dropped him off home. I text him twice after just apologising for being moody in the morning and he hasn’t replied. This has left me feeling so used and helpless as really he’s got what he wants now. I messaged him one last time just saying is everything ok between us and I’ve yet to see him reply. I really want a relationship with this guy again and I don’t want to mess up any more chances I might get. I just wanted some advice or what to do now? How do I get him back? I know not sleeping with him again is the first step but how do I get to that position where he’s chasing me again? Help!

  6. Avatar


    July 30, 2019 at 7:49 pm

    Hi Chris
    My ex and I dated for 4 years and broke up after 2 of living together. There were some issues, but nothing that hurt the other or was not fixable. A lot of our troubles stemmed from work situations that caused one of us (myself) to become depressed at home, resulting in arguments and misplaced emotions.

    About immediately after breaking up, he and his ex before me began talking and now seem to be seeing each other (he has not told me this, but I know they are somewhat involved and talk via text). They dated for a little under 2 years prior to his dating me. Is this a rebound on his part? There are signs (according to your site) that lead me to believe he still loves me, and he brings up our past relationship at times. But at times hes hot and cold, and blames me for the breakup- claims my depression pushed him away after 4 years of loving me. I couldnt implement strict no contact, since we still needed to be in contact about our shared apartment; however, I did not reach out to him in our time apart. He was always reaching out, and not about his things or the apartment- but instead to talk to me and “check in” as he put it a few times. It’s been about 2 months.

    I need a little help understanding the situation- is he rebounding with his ex? We are very different people- and the reason he broke up with her has not changed in their situation. Is NC applicable in this situation now that we’re no longer in the same apartment? Is all hope lost in this situation? Etc.

  7. Avatar


    July 30, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    Help! I did no contact and it seemed to work. My ex was talking to me again and getting friendlier and showing signs he missed me. He made plans to see me but then started going distant and started avoiding me and postponed our dinner plans. I called him and he essentially went through the whole break up speech with me again. I guess he had second thoughts and decided it’s best not to see me. 🙁 Will doing no contact work again? Is there anything I can do to salvage this? I feel like all my hard work is wasted and I ruined my chances. I should have backed away and given space but instead I panicked and did all the wrong things. Please help me.

  8. Avatar

    Caitlyn Roderick

    July 29, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    Hey Chris-
    So my boyfriend broke up/took a break with me 3 weeks ago, and then left for naval training for a month. He kept conflicting between us being broken up for good and is going on a break during this inperson chat. Immediately after the incident, we did not speak to one another for 3 weeks. I finally sent a message wishing him the best of luck and apologizing for my emotional behavior during the “break up,” (and I genuinely meant it, because it was messy, but not hurtful!) I sent this with the intent he either wouldn’t answer or would reply with the minimum, and was ok with that. He sent back a very long message addressing he was sorry, and that I had no reason to be sorry, and that he loved my new haircut, and even said he was willing to talk about anything. We now have a phone call coming up this week… and I am afraid to ask if we are really broke up or on a break. He was not clear with me when it happened, and a few of his family/friends have reached out to me (I did not contact them first) and told me conflicting answers from his side. We have been together 3 years. I just don’t know how to address this situation of talking about our relationship so soon, but I still want him back. Also, his reason for breaking up with me, was that he was afraid of waking up in 30 years and realizing that we weren’t working, and that he didn’t know if I was “the one” anymore.

  9. Avatar


    July 28, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Chris.
    My ex is still friends with my brother and mutual friends.
    The breakup was 2 years ago and a few weeks ago i heard that he has a new girlfriend. Up until this moment i still believed and had hopes that we would get back together. That’s why i tolerated it that my brother is still seeing and talking to him regularly because of a shared Hobby even though it hurts me that he is still somehow in my life but not with me.
    I really want to get over him now. I really dont want to feel hurt and sad anymore.
    Is it the wrong way to get over him by wanting my ex Out of my Life and Out of my family? Is it the wrong way If my brother stopps seeing him for now at least? Is this not accepting the breakup and should i just handle this fact?
    If they keep spending time together it makes me Kind of angry and jealous. I am not proud of that but i really want to Change my situation.
    Best wishes

  10. Avatar


    July 27, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    I know this site is about getting ex back ..but..
    I admire and respect you Chris as a relationship expert..ur insight and knowledge is remarkable. Pls give me your advice on this:
    I like a guy. He says upfront that he just want hookup ,nothing serious. But i want a steady relationship. Cn a hook up person turn into relationship person ?? Is it possible ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 27, 2019 at 9:49 pm

      Hi Runi….usually a hook up won’t lead you down the path you want to go if that is all he is interested in at this point

  11. Avatar

    Kirsten Haddox

    July 24, 2019 at 5:31 pm

    Hi Chris!

    I was in a very healthy and happy relationship with my ex for a year and a month, and we were close friends for two. We treated each other very well and had an amazing first year of college together (both 19 years old). However, he gets so stressed out and practically shuts down when overwhelmed by classes or the stress his parents put on him. I am always there in a heartbeat to make him feel better at school, but at home with our busy schedules, it was different. His stress got to the best of him, and two weeks ago we went on a walk where he told me I didn’t deserve the lack of attention he was giving me in the past few weeks and he does not see himself having time for a relationship in the fall. He said he really wants us to stay friends, but we need to give it time before talking first. I begged and cried in person that day and sent him 4 texts afterward begging for a break, which he never replied to. I hopped on the internet for research on what to do and instantly saw the no contact strategy (thank you!) I sent one more text that day and told him to disregard my messages, and we have not contacted each other since. Should I implement the no contact rule until he reaches out? Time is of the essence for us since we will be back to school in one month.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 24, 2019 at 10:37 pm

      Hi Kristen…be sure to implement No Contact in the way I teach it in my Program – Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Bundle….or in my eBook “The No Contact Rule Book”. You need to identify a NC period…usually about a month or so, then follow the process as I describe. There is a lot more to it than meets the eye.

  12. Avatar


    July 20, 2019 at 5:56 am

    We were talking for 2 months after the break up then NC for 30 days, but at the end of the NC I did something that he hates so for a result – he erased me from all his social media and he also has a new girl.
    How do I get out of this situation?

  13. Avatar


    July 18, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Hi. I just went through thirty days of no contact after a 2.5 year relationship with my ex but I’m afraid that I might be doing issue number 2 on this list. We broke up mostly because of me being too clingy and controlling. I texted him after 30 days to tell him a nice story about the dog we shared during our relationship. The next day I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out with the dog and me, but then I got nervous that this was too much too soon so I said he should just have the dog stay at his house a couple of nights. He did that and we FaceTimed so I could see the dog on both nights when he had the dog. Then I picked the dog up and yesterday tried to call him again. He said that it was “tough” and “weird” to go from not talking for a month to talking almost every day for a week. And then he said that he would text me next week to see me and the dog. I don’t know, I think I might have gotten too ahead of myself.

  14. Avatar


    July 15, 2019 at 11:18 am

    Hey Chris,
    We broke almost 3 months ago and continued talking for first two months. I thought we were going somewhere cuz he was acting hot and cold on daily. Then he just left me on read on what i reacted and aftet that i read 3 of his messages that same night and never responded. Its been almost 30 days and he hasn’t ever contacted me. I posted a lot of photos on instagram story and he liked one i posted on the timeline. We were in a long distance relationship and that was the key factor. Last night i partyed and hooked up with a guy and my friend recorded that live on instagram and he saw it. Couple minutes later he changed his profile pic to the one with a girl and unfollowed me on instagram. I realised it was girl from his college and i asked him about her once. I bet he thinks i hooked up with a guy on purpose but i didnt want him to see it and make him angry i know he put the picture up just so i could see it, but why would he get so angry at me cuz he was the that broke up and obviously the one in a new relationship…. i really love him, did i ruin my chances??? Can he go from hating me to loving me again?? Should do more than 30 days of nc? Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 15, 2019 at 3:12 pm

      Hi Nina…I think a month or so of No Contact is about the right range. Be sure to take a look at picking up my comprehensive Program Bundle, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Relationship Bundle” as it can help you along the way.

  15. Avatar


    July 14, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    Hi Chris, I really need your help.
    I’ve been flirting with this guy for six months (not dates because we live in different cities and we wanted to meet -we have met in person before- but certain circumstances made us put off that). He trusted me a lot and we were going step by step (he was recovering from a difficult relationship=. But recently he started to use a dating app and I am afraid he has met another girl (ore more than one) and he may be about to date someone. He even ignored one of my texts, he never did that, he always responded inmediately and that time…
    I don’t know what to do, I like him very much and he liked me, I know that he using dating apps is a rebound from that previous relationship but I had been working, being there, being supportive and interesting… He was very attracted to me in all senses and now, from one day to another…
    What can I do?

  16. Avatar

    Shiloh Seglin

    July 13, 2019 at 9:41 pm


    My ex and I had a fight and I ended up giving him an ultimatum. He declined to leave. Looking back I really didn’t think he was going to leave. I was trying to get him to see how important something was to me. I texted him a lot off and on for 2 weeks. To be honest this is what I did when we fought too. When he was hurt or angry he puts a wall up and I need to do that to get him to bring it down. I really didn’t think much of it until I read about GNAT. Anyway I came across your website and started using NC. I have not contacted him in any way for a little over 2 weeks. I think he has blocked me every which way he could. I don’t want to test the 1 or 2 ways until it’s time for no contact to end. He didn’t start blocking me every where until I started pestering him.

    Have I killed my chances, should I just throw in the towel?

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