There is a lot of breakup advice on the internet and it’s not all created equal.
Some of it can be downright terrible and might even be destroying your chances of getting your ex back assuming that’s what you want.
Here’s my roundup of the seven worst pieces of breakup advice that I’ve ever encountered.
I’ll go into why each one is so bad, but it basically boils down to this – it simply doesn’t work!
A Primer On The Seven Worst Pieces Of Breakup Advice I’ve Ever Seen
One thing that I want to make very clear is that each of the “bad pieces of breakup advice” isn’t just pulled from a hat. All of it is taken directly from real life observations that I have personally seen or my coaches have told me about.
This means that all of the things discussed here have been proven by real life scenarios.
Really quick, here’s the seven bad pieces of advice,
- The 90 Day No Contact Rule
- Writing A Letter To Your Ex
- Waiting For An Ex To Reach Out First
- Sending A Gift To Your Ex
- Sleeping With Your Ex
- Breaking No Contact To Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday
- Not Even Doing A No Contact Rule
Bad tip #1: The 90 day no contact rule.
This is going to be one of the most controversial pieces of advice that we talk about today because a lot of my peers recommend longer periods of no contact that are around 60-90 days.
Here’s the thing – I have found the timing to be the most important factor in a successful no contact rule.
Timing is so crucial that we’ve pretty much nailed it down to a science, based on research about separation anxiety:
According to recent research, separation anxiety becomes the worst for adults around 45 days.
This is why we usually recommend no contact periods between 21 and 45 days to get the best impact from your ex’s separation anxiety.
Another important aspect to consider is how long it takes to make or break a habit.
Contrary to popular belief of taking 21 days to change habits, it actually takes around 66 days to fully get over or start a new habit.
See how that 90 days is WAY over the optimum time for separation anxiety and getting over habits?
If you wait that long, your ex will have enough time to get over you. If your goal is to get your ex back, why would you give them the time to basically forget how much they liked having you in their life?
Bad tip #2: Writing a letter to your ex.
I have extremely strong feelings on this one, so much so that I have an entire article dedicated to how much I hate this concept.
Well, because I have NEVER ever seen it work for any of my clients.
I never recommend it and when I see my peers recommend writing your ex an apology letter before going into no contact all I can think is how it takes away the element of surprise and that “hard to get” idea that’s so important for a successful no contact rule.
An apology letter announcing a no contact rule to your ex can pretty much be the end of your ex recovery process. Here are a few reasons why it’s such a bad idea:
Most “apology letters” are selfish by nature.
Writing an apology letter is more about YOU and how you feel than about your ex.
Why should that matter to your ex or make them want to come back to you?
If anything, humans are self-centered individuals so when you admit all your mistakes upfront your ex will probably feel more secure in their decision to break up with you.
Takes away the point of a no-contact rule
Your ex might interpret your letter as a final goodbye or as an “I’m going into no contact, but I’ll be back” and in both those situations, you will lose any leverage you would have had with the no contact rule.
Your ex will see it coming and they won’t be intrigued when you disappear so to speak.
It. Doesn’t. Work.
I know I already said this, but it bears repeating. None of my clients have ever had success with writing a letter.
A simple letter that centers around you isn’t enough to change your ex’s mind. It takes a lot more attempts at conversation to make that happen.
Bad tip #3: Waiting for an ex to reach out to you first.
This is another one of those really controversial pieces of advice that I sometimes get into arguments with my own clients about.
A lot of my female clients are under the impression that it matters who reaches out to who first and they expect the guy to always reach out.
But what I’ve learned and teach is that who reaches out first does not matter at all! There are two aspects to conversations that matter more than anything:
Who ends the conversation first?
This shows who’s the more interested party and keeps your ex hanging on for more.
The quality of the actual conversation.
Neither of those two has anything to do with reaching out first. I think today’s society has this very unhealthy obsession about who reaches out first.
That might matter more when you’re trying to attract someone for the first time, but definitely not when you’re trying to get someone back and that’s an important distinction that needs to be made.
If you’re sitting there waiting for your ex to reach out, you could lose your opportunity to start a good conversation that rebuilds the attraction needed for them to come back to you. So, I recommend taking matters into your hands instead of waiting for a text that may never come.
Bad tip #4: Sending a gift to your ex will make them want to come back.
Now somewhere hidden in my YouTube channel is a story that I’ve told about one of my early college friends who tried this technique out.
Without going into too much of the details one of my college friends decided that they wanted to get their ex back with a gift.
The thinking was pretty simple – if I can buy them this really meaningful gift, they’re going to realize how much I value them, and they’ll come back to me.
So my friend bought their ex a 500 dollar guitar.
He absolutely loved the guitar (as they knew he would) but he still didn’t consider getting back together.
Sure, he sent a customary “thank you, I hope you’re doing well” message but that was it and he moved on with his life, leaving my friend with a broken heart, an empty wallet, and a pretty rough wake-up call about expectations.
The Benjamin Franklin concept comes into play here.
The common belief is that if you do someone a favor, they’re more likely to do you a favor back, however, that’s not how it actually works. In reality, if you do someone a favor once, you’re more likely to do them a favor again…and again.
The person who does the favors is more likely to do another favor. So, giving your ex a gift not only overplays your hand, but it also makes you more susceptible to doing them another favor or giving them another gift.
Bad tip #5: You should sleep with your ex to get them back.
I am on record multiple times saying you should never sleep with your ex, no matter how close you are to getting them back. Until you’re 100% sure you’re officially back together, don’t sleep with them.
Some of my peers disagree with me on this but I believe my reasoning is sounder and more rooted in reality than theirs.
They think that if you’re close to getting your ex back, sleeping with them is enough to push them over that hurdle and get back together with you. However, that’s not what our clients’ experiences have shown.
Our clients who sleep with their exes almost always find themselves either being stuck in a friends with benefits situation or being ghosted. Their ex got what they wanted and hightailed it out of there.
We have seen this so consistently and I’m about to say something that may shock you:
Out of the thousands of coaching clients that we have had, about 10% of them slept with their exes and not a single one of them got their ex back.
These are real numbers, so I’d think long and hard before sleeping with an ex you want to win back.
Bad tip #6: Wishing your ex a happy birthday during a no contact rule.
Now if you’ve followed my YouTube channel or blog for some time, you’d know that my biggest pet peeve is when people break the no contact rule without a valid reason.
There are obviously valid reasons for breaking a no contact rule, such as when you share a child and there’s a health emergency or when you’re in a limited no contact rule because you still work or live with your ex.
Those situations are forgivable but breaking a no-contact rule for something so meaningless as wishing your ex a happy birthday is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Ask yourself how that birthday wish helps you going forward? The most you’ll hear back will be a “thanks” or a no response because your ex is angry at you. Either way, you’ve shown your hand that your no contact rule is a farce and you’re still thinking about your ex instead of focusing on yourself.
You might think your ex will be upset if you don’t wish them a happy birthday but who cares? You are under no obligation to wish them a happy birthday, especially not when you’re doing a no contact rule for yourself.
Bad tip #7: Not even doing a no contact rule.
This is probably the most annoying thing for me because it’s probably the most baseless and clickbaity piece of advice out there.
The breakup industry can be a little slimy, so a lot of people put profits over success by using controversial “hot takes” to get clicks.
One of the hot takes making the rounds recently is people saying how you should never do a no contact rule because they don’t work. As someone who’s been in this industry for almost a decade and has had over 10 million people come through our content, let me put this as simply as possible: These claims are all bogus and attention-seeking.
The no contact rule is the single most effective strategy for anyone to adopt after a breakup, regardless of whether they’re trying to get their ex back or move on. We’ve been able to study thousands or even tens of thousands of our success stories to come up with some pretty conclusive statistics about the no contact rule:
- Out of all of our success stories, 70% of them have used a no contact rule.
- Out of all of our coaching clients who have gotten their exes back, every single one of them has used a type of no-contact rule in some way shape, or form.
So, to sit here and say the no contact rule doesn’t work is just ridiculous and false! I think this disconnect happens because a lot of people teach the no-contact rule the wrong way, so it doesn’t really work.
Most people say that the point of a no contact rule is to ignore your ex to make them miss you. We say that’s true, but the more important aspect of a no-contact rule is using that time to improve yourself and adopt a secure attachment style that is essential for letting go and making an ex find you attractive again.
Here is a quick summary of the 7 worst pieces of breakup advice that you should avoid if you’re trying to get your ex back:
- The 90 days no contact rule
- Writing a letter to your ex
- Waiting for your ex to reach out to you first
- Sending a gift to your ex to make them come back
- Sleeping with your ex to get them back
- Wishing your ex happy birthday during the no contact rule
- Not doing a no contact rule