By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 2nd, 2021

This guide will help you learn if you are making mistakes that will ruin your chances of getting your ex back.

The best part?

Once you understand what these mistakes are you can do everything in your power to avoid them and ultimately improve your odds of reconnecting with your ex.

(In other words, this is the ultimate guide on what NOT to do to get your ex back.)

So without further ado, let’s get started.

6 Mistakes That Can Ruin Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back

There are six things that I’d like to talk to you about today.

Now, before I get going on them I do want to say that there are definitely more than seven mistakes that I see people making but I don’t have the time or patience to list out the hundreds of small mistakes that I see some of my clients committing.

Instead, I’m just going to be listing the most popular or “committed” ones,

  1. GNAT
  2. Not Positioning Yourself Properly
  3. Trying To Get Them Back When The Time Isn’t Right
  4. Being Emotionally Unstable
  5. Failing To Understand Your Exes Self Interested Nature
  6. Having Sex With Your Ex

Allow me to explain.

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Mistake #1: Being A GNAT

You are familiar with what a GNAT is, right?

And no, it’s not an annoying bug that buzzes around your head and makes you jump like this,

It’s one of my original acronyms designed to explain how you appear to someone if you are annoying the heck out of them when you text them.

Watch this,

This is my first video ever.

As you can see, the quality has improved over time. In it, I explain what a GNAT is.

G- Going

N- Nuts

A- At

T- Texting

There’s nothing more unappealing or annoying to someone than an unstable person over texting. You’re familiar with the people who send text messages like this when they don’t get a response right away,

This is a GNAT and it’s extremely annoying to whoever receives the message.

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It also happens to be one of the biggest mistakes I see men and women committing when they try to get their ex back.

They get eager and overstep.

Mistake #2: Not Positioning Yourself Properly

Two things are required in almost every successful “get your ex back campaign,”

  1. Positioning
  2. Timing

Without either you are dead in the water.

Let’s talk about positioning for a moment.

Over the past six and a half years I’d say I spend about 75% of my time refining my process for positioning.

Positioning is all about convincing your ex that they made a mistake without making it look forceful.

We aim to show and not tell.

So, after six and a half years here is what I’ve come up with from a positioning perspective,

This little graphic focuses on all the communication I’ve found to be effective with an ex both directly and indirectly.

I explain it to newbies like this.

Pretend you are climbing a ladder. In order to advance up the ladder each step matters. You can’t advance unless you complete each step.

Like this,

For the record, most of the clients I work with do not take this approach.

Instead, they jump right to trying to meet up with their ex in person and that is a complete mistake.

Before you do something like that you have to position yourself properly.

Of course, positioning isn’t the only thing that is required to be successful with your ex.

Mistake #3: Trying To Get Your Ex Back When The Time Isn’t Right

Timing is just as important as positioning.

Consider for a moment a person who does everything perfect from a positioning perspective but tries to get an ex back when they aren’t ready.

Do you honestly think that is going to play well?

Probably not.

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That person will probably fail to get their ex back.

So, while I have been working on positioning for about 75% of the time in the last six and a half years I’d say the last 25% is all about timing.

Here’s what I’ve come up with,

This is the entire process we teach to get an ex back.

It’s the process I outline in my book and talk on the phone with clients over.

It combines everything I know about timing and positioning.

Notice the insertion of the no contact rule.

That’s a strategy mostly informed by timing.

It’s getting your mind right and also getting your exes mind right.

Notice how the graphic won’t allow you to move on to the next level unless the one you are on has already been completed. I talked a little about this in the last section with the ladder.

This is done on purpose because it allows time to go by so that by the time you get to the end your ex is in the right frame of mind.

Now, I’m not going to get too caught up explaining the intricacies of the chart above. That’s what my best selling book is for. So, if you do want that detail make sure you pick it up.

Mistake #4: Being Emotionally Unstable

I am a fan of How I Met Your Mother.

I don’t know why but I find it hilarious and often a lot of the humor can teach us about human dynamics.

Specifically relationships.

There is a scene in How I Met Your Mother where Barney Stinson is explaining something called the “Hot-Crazy Scale,”

The whole idea of this scale is illustrating what a person would have to do to overcome being emotionally unstable or as Barney Stinson so eloquently puts it, crazy.

Now, there are flaws with the idea of the “hot-crazy scale.” However, one thing it does get right is that no one really finds an emotionally unstable person very attractive.

Believe it or not but I actually illustrated this point with a personal story about someone I took on a date a few days ago in this video,

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In the video, for those of you who are a little too lazy to watch I tell the story of a girl who had some pretty awful things happen to her which made her pretty emotionally unstable which I found as a major turn off.

In the end, it was very insensitive of me perhaps but it leads us to the next mistake I see people making.

Mistake #5: Failing To Understand The Self Interested Nature Of Your Ex

If you watched the video above and paid attention to the story I told I actually made a very interesting statement.

I tend to be selfish about my own relationships

In other words, I care about how the relationship makes me feel.

I’m not going to be in a relationship unless I’m going to get something out of it.

Hollywood will have you believe in true love.

And the fact that love will conquer all.

I call this the prince charming syndrome,

Human beings tend to be self interested in their relationship decisions.

Consider your break up with your ex.

I know the reasons for breakups can be complicated but if you boil it down to its simplest form you have one person telling another that they think they can do better.

That they can find someone else who will meet their needs better.

Most of the clients I work with seem to forget this fact.

As a result, they get burned when they fail to understand what their ex is looking for.

Because if it’s true that your ex left you because they think someone else can bring something else to the table that you can’t all you have to do is find out what that “something else” is and bring it in spades.

Mistake #6: Having Sex With Your Ex

How can I put this.

Since I’ve started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have never seen a situation where having sex with an ex will improve your odds of getting your ex back.

Now, think about that for a moment.

To date, I have answered over 100,000 comments,

Which means I’ve seen a lot of situations.

Sex has never improved any of them until a new relationship was formed. Now, I understand the thinking.

You are thinking that if you have sex with your ex it’ll create all of these emotions and cause them to look at you in this new light.

Instead, here’s what ends up happening.

You have sex with your ex while you are broken up and they want to have sex again.

But they don’t want to commit.

Why would they want to do that?

Especially after you’ve already proven to them that it’s possible to have sex without the strings attached.

Most of the people I encounter who have sex with their ex end up in a friends with benefits situation and that is not where you want to be.

Trust me.

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22 thoughts on “Mistakes That Ruin Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back”

  1. Anonymous

    October 16, 2022 at 2:23 pm

    After the breakup I was obsesssive and non stopped texting him and begging him. I say a lot of things I regret. I apologized but he said the door was completely closed now because I wouldn’t leave him alone and he only sees me as annoying and selfish and too much. If I start no contact and show I have changed is there still a chance?

  2. Janet

    February 2, 2022 at 12:43 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I broke up because he wasnt sure if he was ready for a relationship and I immediately did 41days of no contact. he contacted me on my birthday with the sweetest message ever. It was a whole paragraph or so about how I mean a lot to him and he even used a nickname I love that he calls me. So I was so happy and called him to thank him and we caught up with the time we were apart but he had to go because he was at work. Then he texted me and to me it seemed like he wanted to go back. It was mixed signals and I’m not sure what to do. He brought up how jealous he was about me posting pictures and how he would always ask our mutual friends how I was doing but when I brought up what we are since I was confused. He said he’s not sure. He didn’t expect me to bring up getting back or asking about where we are. I just told him that I was confused and I wasn’t sure how he felt about us but that he could have time to think about what he wants for us. And he said he didn’t text me happy birthday with the intent to get back together but because he said I meant a lot to him. but the thing is he texted me a loving message not just a short happy birthday which is why I was confused. I don’t know what to do.

  3. Kirsty

    October 20, 2021 at 9:56 pm

    My ex broke up brutally with me two weeks ago. I got my stuff a week later. He was surprised I didn’t stay for coffee at a cafe with him. I have been having a hard time letting go and sent him a nice email today basically saying goodbye and that I am letting him go for good (which is what he wanted). Is it too late to go NC??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2021 at 11:43 pm

      Hey Kirsty, no it isnt too late but from what you have told me above I would suggest that you complete a 45 days NC

  4. Ellise

    November 12, 2019 at 4:51 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I broke up four and a half months ago. I’ll start off by saying our relationship ended due to infidelity on both ends throughout the relationship and because of my alcoholism. We spoke a few times after the split then I went no contact for about 3 week while I was in rehab for my addiction. We started talking on the phone again in August and started going on dates in late September. We have been having sex and whenever I brought up the relationship he would say “yes I do want to be with you, we’re working towards it but we’re taking it slow”

    Then I found out he’s been on tinder and talking the other women the entire time. I confronted him about it and his response was “I’m just trying to hang out with people, I can be on there if I want to I’m single”. While he’s definitely right about that, my concern was why would he want to be on there if we’re working on things??

    Long story short, I was so upset that he’s still trying to hook up with other women that I relapsed after 5 months of sobriety last Tuesday. I hooked up with another man and he was upset about that although I feel that kind of makes him a hypocrite. He was extremely upset that I relapsed, but said he was still interested working it out after I give him some space for a few days.

    Then I called him today because he was on tinder again and he said “you know what, I don’t even want to work on things anymore this is too much drama” I don’t want to be with someone who keeps relapsing and is this emotionally unstable

    I reached out to him a few hours ago and apologized and asked for another chance and he simply said “Idk, show me you deserve another chance and I’ll reconsider.”

    I love him but I feel like this relationship has ran it’s course. 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 7:59 pm

      Hi Ellise, so by the sounds of it you need more time apart and get stronger being sober too. If the relationship is going to be trigger for you then you do need to consider what is going to be best for you to stay sober and strong. Sometimes we love people who are not good for us, by the sounds of it he is still actively looking for other women so until he stops that I think infidelity is going to continue even if you try to work on things

  5. Kiki

    October 30, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    Hi, I did no contact for 2 weeks until he asked me to drop something of his off. I did & continued not talking. He blew my phone up begging to see me saying he missed me loves me. I did stop by to see him for a few min then left. I went over the next night to hang out & stayed over. We had a great night. After that I was helping him with something while he was at work & he started being a jerk so I went off on him but he was still asking to see me later on that night. I said no I was going to bed. Throughout these 3 days I have been telling Him i don’t want to waste my time & go down the same road & if he’s still talking to a bunch of girls I’m all set. He plays dumb about that but I know he talks to girls & that’s fine as long as it’s not disrespectful towards me. I wish I didn’t bring anything up. I feel like I just screwed myself again. I know he loves me & missed me. He said he thought I wasn’t going to talk to him ever again because I’ve never cut him off like that. I told Him I’ll turn the 2 weeks into forever if he thinks I’m going to go through that again. I have said many times i want a relationship with someone who puts in effort to be with me. If he can’t then I’m moving on so he needs to decide what he wants. I said we can get dinner to talk tonight if he wants to do that. Haven’t heard back yet but I don’t think we’ll do that. Did I screw everything up? I hate thinking he’s talking to other girls & get mad at him for it but we aren’t together so he can do what he wants. Now I’m worried I screwed up. He has never really been done With me & I’ve never been done with him. How can I turn this around & get him realize I’m serious without him thinking I’m being dramatic?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 8:02 pm

      Hi Kiki, so you need to make sure you spend some time in NC (minimum 21 days) where you dont reply even if he reaches out to you. Then after the NC you then talk to him as a friend not as his ex and build up the value chain. You can read about this in the articles Chris has written. You need to become Ungettable Girl for him to full walk away from the online chatting etc that he has been doing

  6. Hopey

    November 4, 2018 at 7:57 pm

    Hi Chris

    Is it too late to start a no contact rule with my ex who we have separated for 3 months and I find it difficult to be friends with him coz I still want him as my boyfriend instead of a friend and I recently found that he is involved with someone else yet he still gives me mixed emotions what can I do ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 4, 2018 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Hopey!

      I do think its a pragmatic choice. You might want to pick up one of my eBooks that can help you with implementing your ex recovery plan.

  7. Liv

    November 1, 2018 at 3:14 pm

    Hi Chris,
    When is it too late to use no contact? My ex was the more emotional person in the relationship. Everything was great until I made a mistake and he subsequently broke up with me. I purchased your book and have had a one on one counseling. I am currently making mistake #6 and it’s due to wanting it for myself and wanting my ex back. He is younger and we have made pact to be honest with each other if we ever “hook up” with anybody else and I know for a fact that he is being honest. He owns a bar and is surrounded by hot bartenders that are 10 years younger than me and I am starting to feel pretty insecure. Besides cutting him off from sex, do I go into no contact again to make him miss me or focus on building more attraction (via texts and hanging out)? Thank you!

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 2, 2018 at 2:28 am

      Hi Liv!

      There are two different strategies there. I do know all the particulars of your case. I am not sure how effective you implemented your first no contact. So its always tricky to give advice in such matters, but if I was to venture a guess, it may be best to continue to try to build more attraction such as I talk about in my “being there” strategy. Think little steps. Little positive deposits in his attraction and trust bank. But if that does not work after a good amount of time, then logic suggests a change in strategy may be in order.

  8. Ellie

    October 24, 2018 at 10:21 pm

    I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago, initially I did beg him not to go but then I saw this and implemented no contact. Stupidly I broke it but I’m now restarting it. I’m 2 weeks in and determined this time. Are my chances ruined or bleak of getting him back? Is no contact still going to be effective?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 25, 2018 at 4:09 am

      Hi Ellie!

      I am glad you are back to NC. Pick up either more 485 page core eBook, “Pro” or the 247 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” to get up to speed on all the things you need to know post breakup!

  9. Lauren

    October 22, 2018 at 10:48 pm


    So my ex and I broke up about 6 days ago we ended on the worst possible terms. I mean he called me names and things were thrown. I texted him 3 days into the breakup and my phone number was blocked. I couldn’t resist and I texted him yesterday morning to my surprise I was no longer blocked however I got no response. I been thinking of sending an apology text then going into no contact since it was a bad breakup I’m just not sure. Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 24, 2018 at 3:35 am

      Hi Lauren!

      You might want to pull back a bit. I not so sure that an apology text is necessary here. You can give him a heads up that you will be off radar to heal and take stock of things. Consider picking up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” so you can learn all the ropes of what to do post breakup.

  10. Shocked & Ashamed

    October 22, 2018 at 8:36 am

    My ex and I fought quite a bit but most of it was me being a baby and always wanting more from him. Although he was giving me what I wanted by always kissing my ass, I would push arguements to make him beg me to come home. I was also mean to him in all forms. Mental, emotional and physical abuse are something that seemed to come so easy to me and I am shocked and ashamed at myself for having such behavior.
    I am honestly not sure why I did those things because I am in love with him and I do believe we are soulmates. While he wasn’t a pure angel, he was definitely the most giving in the relationship. He made me feel special and I took advantage so much that he surprised me with a dvp.
    I’m hesrtbroke beyond words and I would just like to speak to him again. Is there a chance for us?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 24, 2018 at 3:47 am

      Just be sure to keep the focus on your self improvement as that is the avenue to successful relationships. Giving each other space so one or both partners can get healthy is often the best medicine

  11. Lost

    October 21, 2018 at 6:40 pm

    I need help..
    My ex’s best friend died a year ago and the memorial of his death falls 6 days before my no contact period ends. Should I send him a short text on that day, or shouldn’t I? It’s a huge deal to him and I know how awful he will feel on that day, I really want to let him know that I’m there for him and that I still care, but would this ruin all the work I’d done with the no contact period?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 22, 2018 at 3:57 am

      Hi Lost!

      Time to be found, don’t you think. First you must find yourself so I hope you are also focusing on your healing and recovery. But, yes, send him a brief message of support with the approaching memorial

  12. Mallory

    October 21, 2018 at 9:44 am

    Hi, so my ex messaged me last Friday and told me that he suddenly remembered me from my photos in his phone. I asked him why he is keeping those photos and he told me that he has forgottent to delete them. I tried not to react too much when he said that, because I don’t want to appear emotional. I told him to go bother another woman if he’s that bored. He read the message and didn’t respond.

    Then this afternoon I saw him he posted a photo of a concert from one of our favorite bands. I asked him, “who was your lucky date?” He also read that one and didn’t answer. Now I got so pissed so I told him that he should stop playing games by sending me a message out of the blue and then disappear at me again. I don’t know what’s his deal. Again, I was trying not to be emotional when I told him that. Am I already ruining my chances of getting him back, seeing he messaged me first?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 22, 2018 at 3:58 am

      Hi Mallory!

      Probably best to employ no contact and follow along with the program steps I discuss in my eBooks as it seems your ex is playing games.