What To Do When Things With Your Ex Don’t Go According To Plan (With Christine Hassler)

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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When life doesn’t go according to plan it can be difficult.

 

When things with your ex don’t go according to plan it can be downright painful.

 

-Chris Seiter

I have been doing this for a really long time and the one thing that has become clear to me is that even if you have the best laid plans your ex can do something to completely screw your plans up.

It’s at that point that adaptability kicks in and becomes your best friend.

The problem is that most people struggle to adapt.

Well, that’s kind of what my guest today is a specialist in.

Christine Hassler is kind of a big deal, she has authored “Expectation Hangover” which is essentially the “go to” guide when things don’t go according to plan and runs one of the top podcasts on iTunes.

No seriously, she is super famous!

And to say she “brings it” in this episode is an understatement.

Check it out!

What To Do When Things Don’t Go According To Plan With Your Ex

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • How looking inwards is often the best use of your time
  • What an expectation hangover is
  • Sometimes it’s ok to be alone as opposed to being defined by a relationship
  • There’s no perfect partner and why it’s important to know that
  • Christina’s advice on how to draw someone in
  • Having a list? Yay or nay?

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Thanks for having me!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, absolutely! So, today we have Christine Hassler. Who is actually a Texas native like me. I just found out. Yeah! But she’s kind of like–you’re big deal on Itunes. Like a really big deal.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Thank you! If you’re going to be a big deal somewhere, I guess you know, Itunes is the place to be it.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Itunes is the place to be. Like I’m right here, and you’re like right here. No, but you run the podcast over and on with it. So, I wanted to give you a little opportunity to let the people listening kind of know what your podcast is about and then we can just take it from there.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, and we’re all in it together, you know. We’re all side by side just doing our part to uplift consciousness and to create different types of conversations which is important now more than ever. So, I’m happy to be here.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, so, man, So much to talk about. You are a life coach, author, speaker, you’ve written a book;expectation hangover. You’ve written a bunch of books haven’t you?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, that was my start.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

The Expectation Hangover is kind of, I think a perfect fit for my audience too because–so, I haven’t read the book. In all–man, I can’t even talk today. In all honesty, I haven’t read the book but I did kind of see some of the promotional materials and I think it is a really great–god, I really can’t talk today! I think it’s a really great fit for the audience and it’s kind of like when things don’t go your way in life and–

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, yeah. I can define an expectation hangover.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Please do.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

And I think a lot of us in America are in that right now but it is when one of three things happen. Either things don’t go according to plan, things don’t go the way you expected or things do go according to plan but you don’t feel the way you thought you would. Like you’d get that great job or the girl you like finally says yes but it doesn’t give you that sense of fulfillment and making everything ok than you thought it would or life just throws you an unexpected curve ball.

Everything from getting sick to getting dump to getting laid off to getting a really bad parking ticket. You know, it’s just those unexpected things that we have to deal with. So, basically it’s disappointment and then reason why I was so passionate about writing about this is well, nobody really wants to write about disappointment. Everybody wants to write about happiness and success and love and all those things but as a life coach and spiritual councilor for the past 12 years and as definitely a student of life myself.

I’ve always said I’m my own best client. I have seen that the greatest transformation becomes available when someone is disappointed. Often it is in the polarity, it is in the chaos, it is in this moments where we’re brought to our knees and are kind of like wtf. Like what? That we seek help and that we start to look within and sometimes it takes a few expectation hangovers because you know when they first happen, we just want to get through them. We use coping strategies that don’t work like over eating, over drinking, over working. Distracting ourselves and we live in a time where it’s really easy to distract ourselves.

But eventually they get more and more severe and we go, “Ok, maybe I need to look at this.” And I can think of my most severe expectation hangover happen when I was around 26 years old and I lost everything; my career, I was estranged with my family briefly, I was diagnosed with undiagnosable health disorder, I was in debt and I got dumped 6 months before my wedding. This was all coming off the heels with having this massively successful career in Hollywood and when I found myself literally on my bathroom going wtf and do I want to be here anymore I went– I had an insight and the insight was,

“Well, hmm, the common denominator in all of these situations is me.”

And that was sobering and I knew that I could either become a victim of my circumstances or I could really start asking,

“You know maybe, this is happening for me and maybe I have more influence than I think I do.”

And that’s really what was the pivot for me, not just in my career but in my life.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I didn’t know that about–I’m sorry that perfect storm just seemed to happen but it seemed like it turned out to be a good thing. And I absolutely love your attitude because people are so resistant to change. At least that’s what I think. So, what would you say to someone who is having an expectation hangover and they can have this pivot point in their life but they’re kind of resistant to it.

They have this coping strategies. This is something that a lot of the women who listen to my podcast are going through. They are resistant to change. They don’t see it as an opportunity to maybe make themselves better or have a better life.

They just kind of get broken down by it. So, what would you say to someone who’s in that frame of mind to maybe get them to look at it in a different way?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, I’ll go back to one thing I said it’s happening for you. And one of the biggest lessons we’re all here to learn is that our happiness, our fulfillment, our sense of safety, our sense of security, love, does not come from an external source. And one of the biggest wake up calls that we have, I think especially women but I think just as much as men in a lot of ways is heart break.

Because we put so much into that and we often without even realizing attach so much of our worth and our happiness onto being in a relationship, being chosen, being with somebody and it becomes so much of an identity. So, what I say people especially women is, first of all, there’s a massive sea change happening right now and women are really coming into our power more than any other time. And I say this with absolutely zero againstness towards men.

I love men! Men are amazing! And men are supporting women more than ever and I think we need to keep that conversation positive but one of the things that I think women are learning, myself included is not to source our okayness or our worthiness in relationship. A lot of teachers that teach masculine and feminine say that men prioritize purpose and women prioritize relationship.

And as a woman I have to say that I prioritize equally, purpose and relationship. And this is a time when so many of us are really stepping into our purpose and sometimes we may need, like a break from relationship to be able to do that. So, I know you ask me just how people deal with expectations 06:45 in general but I really wanted to talk about the relationship side because I think so many women really deal with that. So, what I’d say is, you know, you’re part of a  shift in consciousness.

You’re really being in ask to go in and become a wonderful partner to yourself, to find that inner masculine inside of you that provides you a sense of safety and a sense of security and also to connect with your feminine. So, that you connect with that voice of compassion and unconditional love. And yes, cry your tears. I’m very much into– a part of expectation hang over, it’s a very holistic plan and the first part of the treatment plan is the emotional level. Let you have yourself have your emotions about it but don’t identify with them and don’t judge your process.

It’s like we have our emotions but we need to have compassion and we need to also not indulge or identify with them and to come back to that place of love. You know one of the biggest, I guess I could call it mistakes, people make when dealing with an expectation hangover especially in terms of heartbreak is they end up closing their heart. They think that just because the relationship is over, love is lost. And that’s not true, I relationship may end but love is infinite and love is our essence.

And so, how can you keep your heart open instead of trying to get through the expectation hangover by forming walls around your heart? Because it’s a misunderstanding that we need to protect ourselves from love. Yes, we need to be discerning about who we choose to be in relationship with, for anything from romantic to friendship, even to family relationships. However, we do not need to close down or protect our heart. Keeping it open is how we feel more into that love and how we attract more love in our life.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

A really great points here and one thing I also wanted to mention or I guess I want to get your take on it because you have such a unique way of looking at things. A lot of people listening right now, they’re at this pivot point of their own. They’re going through a break up and they’re at this crossroads where they’re deciding,

“Should I try to get my ex back or should I try to get over my ex?”

Now, what do you think? How should someone come to a smart decision when they’re at this crossroads? Should they simply try to use your teachings or your methods or ideas to empower themselves or should they continue or try a relationship with the same person again even though it didn’t work out the first time? I realized there’s not correct or right answer. Everyone’s going to have a different view of this but I’m really curious to get your take because you’re smart. You know what you’re talking about.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, you know, I think it’s like you said. It’s different in every situation. But I always err on the side of you know, we are all here to really have a healthy and complete relationship with ourselves first and foremost. And I believe also in a relationship with a higher power. That can be anything from nature to Jesus. Like whatever your I–I’m not here to impose any religious beliefs on anyone but I’ve seen enough and experienced enough that indicates to me that,

“Woah, there is something bigger in terms of a consciousness that we’re all connected to.”

So, that to me has to be our first priority. And relationships can be a distraction from that because if we’re looking to get back with someone, to make them love us, to change them, to keep working and working and working on relationship, it can distract us from looking at our issues you know. And so we really have to take a step back and go,

“Ok, is this relationship for my learning? Is it here to really help me learn and grow or is this the relationship that really is something that I’m supposed to work on with the person?”

And it takes two people to really work on a relationship. So, if you’re willing and the other person isn’t, I would say let it be complete. Some relationships have an expiration date. And look more on like,

“Why did I attract this person?” and think about, “Ok, in my childhood, what love did I crave the most? From my mom or my dad or was it both? And how didn’t I get that? And how am I dating in order to get that? And how am I  trying to heal my childhood wounds through dating and through relationships? And how can I go and work on those and heal those? So, that I’m really dating as a grown up.”

Because the biggest thing Chris, that I see is that people are dating as 5 year olds, as 8 year olds, as 10 years olds, as 14 years olds. You know what I mean? Like? This even happened for me. I was like the nerdy girl who like never got asked out–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No. There’s no way. I don’t buy it.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Totally, totally! Well, you’re really sweet but completely, completely and boys would be nice to me because they wanted to cheat on my paper and that was kind of it. And so I always was going after like that popular, unavailable guys you know? Even as a grown up, as 32 years old, coming out of my divorce and like I wanted to date like that popular guy.

And I kept getting rejected and rejected and rejected because it was core wound that I was attempting to heal through going out and dating and then I eventually was like, “Ok, I need to stop this and really work on healing this inside myself. So, I don’t need to experience it anymore.” So, I’m answering your question. Going off on so many tangents.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, I love it completely because a lot of what I try to tell people is in the same line of thinking. Sometimes it’s better to look inwards as opposded to outwards. And I’ve also found–I don’t know if noitced but we have a lot of people coming to our website. So, it’s like the ultimate data source and I can tell people to do certain things to maybe try to get their ex back and figure out, “Ok, what works? What doesn’t work?” One of the things we found consistently is people who actually move on have a better chance of getting their ex and I think it’s a lot of that looking inwards type thing.

And maybe it’s also a little something that you’re putting out this vibe out there where you’re attracting people or you have a different, I don’t know, feel or look or confidence to you but a lot of what you’re saying is kind of in that line of thinking where sometimes looking inwards, sometimes working on yourself, trying to get your stuff together is the smartest thing you can do.

And relationships can be a distraction for that because you need to put in the time, you need to have some type of alone time. And that could be probably a problem too for people who are constantly in relationships. They jump from one relationship to the next and they don’t ever have any alone time. So, they don’t know really truly who they are.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Absolutely, absolutely.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, I want to ask you, someone who is that type of person who jumps from relationships to relationship to relationship, how can they break that type of a bad habit?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, and yeah it’s a bad habit. To some it’s just a coping strategy you know. We all want love and we all want to feel safe. So, if you’re identifying that and that’s you, don’t feel bad about yourself. Don’t feel like anything is wrong with you. You’ve been doing the best you could. And so, if you know that you’re sort of trying to feel better about yourself and sourcing love and jumping from one relationship to the next and really struggle when you’re alone, then consider that you know being alone for a bit. Let me bookmark the word alone. Remind me to come back to that Chris.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’ll write it down here.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Ok perfect! Being not in a romantic committed relationship doesn’t mean you’re alone. It’s an amazing time to, like I said, heal those core issues, so that you’re not–because they’re many different types of relationships and this is actually going to be my next book. I’m writing about the 5 different kinds.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Interesting.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

And we’re sort of sold this belief system that there’s one person that’s our soul mate and we marry that person and we have kids.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Really? You have to blame Disney for that one.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

I know right? Disney and Hollywood right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right. Disney and Hollywood! That’s in their fault.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Exactly. I mean I open up the book saying, “As a little girl, I used to look up at the stars and wonder if my future husband was looking at the same star.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh my god and as lame as it sounds, I used to do the same thing, except the moon. I remember thinking, “I wonder if my future wife is looking at the moon right now.”

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

It’s beautiful and I love, love. Like I’m not cynical about love and relationship but I think that if we only think that there is this one person and you know our whole purpose is to find that person and then we’re complete. We’re missing out on the amazing opportunity that relationships can be for growth and learning. Every person is a soul mate to us.

And so by taking a look at our relationship and really asking, “What am I learning? How am I attracting the kind of people that I’m attracting? What are the themes?” And it’s only when we’re not in a relationship that we can really look honestly at that. And so, I advise people if you’re a relationship hopper and you’re having trouble not being relationship, maybe take a pause.

Give yourself 6 months. Work with a coach. Work with a counselor. Get involved in personal development work and take an honest look about the kind of relationship you actually want and the kind of partnership that you actually desire. So, that you’re not dating and relating to fill a void because it works. Like we can attract people based on our issues. We totally can but it’s not always the kind of side by side partnership that I think to me, is the ultimate form of relationship.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

We think up in our heads maybe?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, exactly.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, we did bookmark the word alone so?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, that also has a stigma. I think that people especially women, often believe that life is better in a relationship. And I’m single, I’ve been single–I don’t even know. 6 or 7 years now. I’ve dated here and there but I–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Fun fact about me. I was single, I think 5 or 6 years before I met my wife. So, sometimes it’s important to take that alone time.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Absolutely, absolutely and the only time I suffer in being single is when I buy into the misunderstanding that it would be better if I was in a relationship or something’s wrong with me because I’m not and that’s just not accurate. And in this time, it’s given me the opportunity to really discover who I am, understand my career.

All of those kinds of things. And so, we’re not alone. The other beautiful thing that happened in my not in relationship life is, I’ve attracted an amazing soul family, the friendships I’ve had. Especially even friendships with men because when we’re in a partnership, sometimes we rely too much on that person. They become the person we do everything with. And so, it’s an opportunity to expand your soul family, set deeper into your purpose, examine your relationship with your higher power, whatever that is.

So, please let go of the misunderstanding that you’re alone if you’re not in a romantic relationship. And also, maybe take a break from the whole like bumbling and tindering and OkCupiding and all of those things and continuing to just like find and seek and all of those things. Go do your life and do things that you love to do without any attachment to finding that person.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s a good point you’re bringing up too because I feel like we live in this age where we’re always on our phones. There’s the Tinder, The Bumble, OkCupid, people now more than ever can establish these connections without ever meeting the person.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

That’s right.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And I guess, somewhat to switch gears and talk a little bit about that now because what is your view on online dating? Are you for or against it? Are you kind of indifferent to it? Because my personal view is, I think it’s a good thing but you to always take it with a grain salt because people are always putting their best food forward and sometimes, they’re not who they say they are.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, you know. I think it’s totally an individual thing. I personally don’t love it but I mean, I’ve never been. I even tried SnapChat for a while, and I’m like, “I just don’t want to be in my phone this much?” I’m just not in the present moment.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Me too. I tried SnapChat for a month and I really couldn’t get into it. So, I’d stick to the texting.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, I like Instagram. I’m active on there and Facebook. I just for me, I really like the organic, authentic way but I’m also out in the world a lot. I put myself out in situations where I’m open to meeting new people and I don’t just mean romantically. I mean just in all aspects. So, I think that it all depends on your energy toward it.

Like when I have done online dating and I’ve had the energy of cynicism or attachment or anything like that. It doesn’t go that well but if I do a little meditation before hand, if I get myself really in my feminine energy, if I get excited about it, if I come from my heart when I write my description, if I put pictures that are just like me in my environment doing things, instead of like selfies that are all like filtered out. Then I have a much different experience.

So, it all depends on the energy it rides on when you’re using the app. So, if you really enjoy it and you really love it and that you feel like it’s an amazing way to connect, then great but if you’re doing it as a means to an end and you have judgment on it and it’s a numbers game, then maybe reconsider.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, and one of the other things I think, that I’ve heard a lot of people talk about. I had a woman, she was a dating coach, she came on my show early in this morning, Battista.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Oh, she’s one of my best friends!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh!  How about that? I had no clue. She was nicest, nicest woman but she was talking about like selection. The selection process of a lot of women is off and you didn’t say that verbatim but that’s kind of also what you’re kind of talking about because many times honing your selection process means having that alone time and trying to understand what you want and that seems to be a common theme as I interview more and more people.

That keeps coming up and I don’t believe in coincidences. There’s something to that. So, of course to get your take on it, I guess, what is your opinion on how someone should select the perfect partner? Should they just try to figure out what they want before they do it or is there some other special magic trick to it?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, and there’s no perfect partner right? So, a lot of what we said. First start with you, like you know, right now I know that I am most likely to attract a match that is aligned for my highest good in terms of what I want because I feel more peaceful, more confident, happy, connected, on purpose, than I ever have felt before, more on my feminine. And so, that if feeling of longing without desperation and longing without attachment is I think a good way.

To use good, bad, right or wrong but I useful way to draw in someone that’s not based on your issues or someone that you know, you’re not drawing in because you’re trying to fill a void. So, that’s the first thing I’d say. The other thing I’d say is please throw away your list. Throw it away. Rip it up. Throw it away.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That is like the worst thing ever. I was talking to someone the other day about I saw some crazy thing on tv. Had to have been years ago, where this woman had like a list of 80 traits for the perfect man. And she had like dated a man who had filled out maybe 70 of them but there was like 10 that he hadn’t gotten and she would not date him. She was like so strict to this list. I think it’s really limiting because there’s no perfect person out there.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Absolutely and here’s how my advice for how to draw someone in. Because a lot of times, what we put on our list is things we want for ourselves. So, on my list, before I did a lot of work that I do now. Like 10 years ago, maybe more, when I was like, right after my fiance broke up with me and I was drawing in my ex husband.

I had a list and a lot of it was like super on purpose, successful, funny, like confident and these are all things I wanted to be. And so oftentimes, we project these things that we want to step into on our own life onto the other person. And so, if you do have a list, before you rip it up, look at it, and go, “How do I embody all this things?” Like how do I become those things? Because–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Very interesting insight. Yeah..

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

What we’re longing for is what we want and then when it comes to drawing that person in, focus more on how you want to feel and what you want to give. So, I focus on like for example, I want to feel really supported. And I don’t mean financially necessarily.

I want to feel like I can just be big and shine my brightest light and feel like my man has my, you know he just holds a space, as present with me. No matter what. So, and I want to feel like, obviously attracted and I want to feel challenged in a way that we help each other grow.

So, it’s like focus on how you want to feel rather than the package it comes in. Because too many women make a list of, “Well, he’s over 6 ft, he makes this much money, he makes me laugh, he has a good family. ” Like all of this things like, if you focus more on how you want to feel and live the rest upto the universe, you’re going to attract a much more aligned match.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah and a lot of times, if you have a list of 80 traits, you’ll never find anyone who meets them all. I mean you’re limiting yourself to so little. The odds of even finding that is astronomically low.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

And even if you did Chris, that may not be your best match because often times we create those lists from our mind and that it’s like–so, yeah. Throw any list before you do, look at how you can embody all those things.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, the list thing. I love the idea of how it makes you feel because so often in relationships, we aren’t, how can put this? We aren’t driven by logic, we’re driven by emotions. A lot of the actions that we take are driven by emotions or have some basis and how we feel or how the person is making us feel, whether it’s angry, happy, so on and so forth. So, I think it’s a really, really great tip. What are some other things though besides that list that you can do to fine tune your man picker so to speak.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Honestly, like just have a blast in your life. Like you know, be confident, it’s really–experience like your own sensuality and sexuality instead of waiting for someone else to wake it up inside of you. Have amazing girlfriends, have friendships with men, put yourself in situations continually that stretch you and that get you out of your comfort zone, find things you’re passionate about outside of your job, ways to be of service.

All this things that are feminine energy, like receptivity and creativity and sensuality and surrender and the flow of giving and receiving. Those things that put us in our energy, our feminine energy, if we want to attract a man. You know, obviously there are probably women who are wanting to attract a woman too and I think it works the same way because you want polarity.

You want to feel into what that balance is and then keep an open mind and open heart and also, look at what you’re going to say no to because often times I say, and I write about this in Expectation Hangover, we get a do over. Like we finally heal that issue, where like, “Ok, I’ve dealt with my abandonment issues about my dad and I’m going to stop attracting unavailable men who end up leaving or aren’t there, that trigger all of my issues.”

And you work on it, you go to counseling and you really feel like you got a handle on it. And then a month later, another unavailable guy comes into your life, that doesn’t mean you failed, it’s the universe giving you an opportunity to integrate your learning and your healing by saying no. So, watch what you say no to. Just as much as what you say yes to because here’s the thing about the brain, and I write about this in the book too.

We form this neural nets in our brain with repetitive thoughts, with repetitive belief systems, and our unconscious mind is 95% motivating our behaviour, consciously 3-5%. Personal growth helps us really elicit more of what is what the unconscious belief system, so we understand our operating system. So, as that’s changing, be very astute and very aware of, “Ok like, what’s attracting towards this person?

Is it my core wound around my parents? Is it my own desire to be more confident in my own life? Where am I attracting this from?” And if you know that you’re attracting it from old stuff, it’s just being aware of that and creating a new picture and a new vision of the kind of relationship that you want, and the kind of person that you want to attract.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I have to say this book sounds phenomenal. I may buy it. That’s how good it sounds. I’m going to make it like required reading for all of my–no, but perfect segway. Tell us a little bit about expectation hangover and all of the other adventures you have going on because you are all over the place. Like, so popular, just brag about yourself.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Oh, you’re sweet. I really feel blessed. I really love what I do and like I said, I’ve been on my own best client and listener and I I’ve used everything that’s happened in my own life to really  be vulnerable and really share and so I speak from lots of training but I also speak from life experience.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, and have you ever noticed that, I remembered when I stared doing that, when I started kind of telling really painful stories from my past, people really connected with me more. Have you find that to be the case too? Like, “Oh, wow. They’re bearing their soul. I trust them.” You know?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, I think it’s a mix. I think that we have to be careful about like bonding on woundology you know? So, it’s that mix of sharing our victim to victor story but also just really be in the stand for or also like standing in our power, you know? And so, I love being vulnerable and sharing with people what’s going on in my life but it comes from a–I see people out there share and are vulnerable but they’re kind of still in their victim energy and that can create that woundology bond. And so, I encourage vulnerability but let it right on the energy of strength and love and healing rather than sympathy, if that makes sense.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it makes complete sense.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

So, for me, expectation hangover was something that I wrote after my divorce and after being a coach for almost a decade. I wrote in 2004 and I started coaching in 2004- I mean I wrote it in 2014. And started coaching in 200 when I was just a baby and I wanted to deal with the massive expectation hang over that I felt so many people in the personal growth industry were facing because they would read one book or do their affirmations or their meditation or write their vision board and things still weren’t changing.

And I felt like they were failing at personal growth and what I noticed is there wasn’t a lot out there that was extremely holistic that dealt with emotions, thoughts- the mental level, actions-the beavioral level and spirituality, like that kind of 5th dimension, that higher power. Whatever that is. And so that what’s Expectation Hangover is. It’s holistic really healing treatment plan for yourself from your past, change your present to get what you really want.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And where can someone buy Expectations Hangover?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

I mean the easy Amazon. That’s the easy place to get it. It’s in bookstores, it’s in Barnes and Noble and stuff.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’ll link to it in the show notes. If you’re listening to this and interested in her book, I’ll link to it in the show notes but didn’t know it was in Barnes and Nobles. So, I’m actually getting the hard copy.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah!! Old school style!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, you should see how many books I have over there.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Me too.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And so in addition to Expectation Hangover, you’ve got this pretty popular Itunes podcast. Why don’t you talk a little bit about that and try to convert some of my beautiful listeners over to you?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Bring it over? Thank you so much. I’d love you to have you all and come over in our community. It’s a beautiful community. Over And On With It, it’s on Itunes and all the other none Iphone players as well.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Stitcher or whatever the–

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

All those. I coach people live on the air. So every Wednesday, an episode goes where I don’t anything about the person before. I hop on the phone with them and I coach them for about 20 minutes and before the call, I set it up a little bit and then after the call, I break it down and explain what I did and why I did it and give people assignments and takeaway. So, people love it as listeners and also people that are coaches, really love it because they learn a lot.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, and I have to say, I listen to one listener call that you had. I think it was a woman named, Emily. She was going through a break up. So, you actually do help people through breakups as well. So, it’s really relevant to you, if you’re listening. Well, look, tomorrow you’re going to have like 50,000 calls from people with break ups. So, I’m sorry Christine.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

No, no, no. That’s ok. I love it! And you know, the coaching sessions get filled up pretty quick. So, if you can’t get a session, just email [email protected] and we’ll get you at the wait list and then the other opportunity, as I have something called my inner circle where it’s a membership site community and you can join and be part of my tribe and get access to a monthly coaching call

and I share customized meditation visualization every month and we work on like a different life hack and quality we’re going to step into. Like every month it’s a different them, like forgiveness, gratitude, compassion. It’s also my place–because people ask me all the time about–I used to be a personal trainer.

I’m super into health and fitness and beauty and I have a lot of like those kind of hacks that I don’t share publicly. So, it’s sort of like a behind a scenes look into my life beauty, health, fitness, travel, prosperity, woo woo life as well.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That sounds amazing. So, where can someone find or sign up for the inner circle? Just in the website?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Yeah, if you go to christinehassler.com it will be up there.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

If you could maybe, after the show, just give me a link. So, I can link to it for the people listening.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Sure. That one is christinehassler.com/innercircle.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

/innercircle, ok.

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Thank you so much!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. I have to say, one of my favorite interviews ever. It’s a blast to have you on Christine!

It’s so great to be here! I love–you have such a great energy. I love that you’re creating this container and thank you for the awesome questions

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Any last words of wisdom?

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

Well, I’m kind of feeling into your audience and I actually kind of, sadness isn’t the right word but I feel the longing and I feel their hearts and what I want to say is,

First of all really, really, really be gentle with yourself. Everyone who’s listening. Being hard on our self and criticizing ourselves and thinking there’s something wrong with us is the most toxic thing that we can do. And so, I’m just sending everyone just so much love and really a prayer for self acceptance and coming into that place of really knowing all the love you’re looking for out there, whether you’re in a relationship or not is really inside of you.

And that relationships just become an expression or an extension of that but honestly, if you talk to your friends like you talk to your self, you probably wouldn’t have any. So, really work on being that loving, kind, compassionate friend to yourself because that is the thing that will change your life more than anything.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I have to say, you just stole my entire audience. Thanks for that!

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler

We’ll share!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, it was a blast Christine! Thank you so much!

December 12, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (66)

  1. Blue - 0

    Blue

    My boyfriend (let’s call him R.) & I have been together for 5 years in a long distance relationship. We met once a week, during weekends. R. always wanted to pay for everything during our dates. 2 months ago he lost his job & everything changed. He told me we should start meeting only twice a month. We had our last date 9 weeks ago, he treated me well, but avoided answers to my questions why he wanted to see me less. His emails to me became cold & finally, 8 weeks ago he called off our date without any reason.
    Our relationship was exclusive, respectful & he was treating me almost like a princess. I know/feel he broke with me because he had no money & he always believed that a man should pay during dates. After he called the date off, I emailed him asking for reasons, but I didn’t beg, just told him my heart was still ready for him. After no response & got help from EXRecovery & you advised me he needed my support for now. So, I started emailing R again, but his replies were cold, short (like “yes”, “OK”, “No”, “Nice”), then R. stopped replying at all.
    I asked EXRecovery for help & you advised me to go to NC, 30 days. I did all well, applied all the rules . So after 30 days I still had no email or text from R. I asked ExRecovery if I should contact him; you told me to decide myself. I waited a week since the end of NC & 6 days ago I contacted R. by email and he answered. I wrote him something related to his dog(R. loves his dog); he only answered, “nice”. I kept trying. I found a pretext to talk about politics, we exchanged some emails, nothing personal. Then again, I asked his advice about something; he answered but was keeping neutral tone.
    Last time, I sent him email was yesterday night & then today morning; the morning email I sent had the similar content as the evening one. I repeated email because I thought he might not get this one, maybe I shouldn’t do that. But I have had no reply from R. for 24 h. Maybe I should be more patient.
    I see things don’t work the way I want but they are not that bad either. R. still responds me, so it seems he wants to keep in touch. I know it doesn’t mean he wants relationship. I wonder if it has to do with money. I don’t even ask R. if he got a job, because I feel that it’s a sensitive topic for him,.
    Should I even continue trying? I just ask for a neutral opinion. Does it look for you that he might be even interested in relationship?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Blue
      ot looks like he’s just being friendly

  2. kathy - 0

    kathy

    Me and my ex met during my solo trip. We both fancied about each other and had a fun time together for 5 days. He was a quite experienced guy but for me that was my first ever relationship. After split, we had a distant relationship for about 2months then he flew to my country for me and lived with me for one month. Unfortunately we didn’t work out in the end. He left me. There was no other external causes of the breakup basically just he said we were not a good fit and he knew we wouldn’t work out. We are too different I am not the type compatible with him blah blah. For me it was my first relationship so I felt we could try to work things out. Anyways after he left, he contact me immediately the second day asked me if I felt better. I asked him to leave me alone for some time. But then we had some simple conversations on and off for a few days. I was also confused because he was still using our picture as his dp. Until finally after almost one month we broke up, he changed his dp. He asked me to find another bf. I stopped contact him since then. I keep diary everyday now as I know I can’t contact him. But I know I do miss him, and the feeling and pain is killing me everyday. I kinda still want to try to get him back. I even thought about impulsively fly to his place. I am just controlling myself not to do stupid things as my heart is so stupid atm. Suffering hard. Any advice for me? thanks

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kathy,

      so, the relationship was 3 months? Do you want to try the no contact rule? If yes, focus in healing and improving yourself

  3. Iris - 0

    Iris

    Dear Chris,

    I am posting second time here as I don’t know why my comments seems disappeared.

    I and my ex boyfriend was together for only 6 months and we break up for nearly one year now. The reasons of break up is not clear, most probably is he love me too little and I am a bit pushy. We argue a lot and finally we break up. After that, I was very sad and angry, so I applied the NC rule. However, it doesn’t work out. He tried to post something on Instagram to remind me, but I can’t get it. Then, we have been no contact for a year. For a month before, i initiated the contact with him and we talked quite well continuously for a month, and managed to meet up for three times. However, I feel like he just wanna be friends, so I can’t control and asked him whether he would like to be together again. He answered he is seriously not ready for a relationship with me now and say it was a bit too fast. He say we can be friends first but he afraid i wont be happy. It seems that he totally moved on. After that, I didn’t contact him for 2 weeks already and he didn’t message me either, what can i do? If i stay as friends, will i be friendzoned? And as he knows i love him, he will find me gettable and don’t wanna get back together. So, what to do now? should i give up now? I hope to receive your advice. I can’t work now.
    Thanks a lot.

    Iris

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Iris,

      I’ll copy paste my answer there here.

      Hi Iris,

      I think as a last approach, make it seem that you have accepted that you wont get back with and then improve massively..aim.to be the ungettable girl and then when you start to rebuild rapport, make good memories, have fun..I think you should do at least 45 days-3 months of nc.. but if it doesn’t work after this, move on..

    • Iris - 0

      Iris

      Hi Amor,

      Thanks a lot.
      But would he totally forgets me and gets another girl if i don’t contact him through such a long period of time? I do think he is chasing another girl.
      Also, he seems taking advantage of me chasing him previously, i do think he knows how i feel actually. I seems can do nothing to get him interested in me again. Should i chase him and treat him very good, then suddenly disappear from his life?

      Or sending some message like ” OK, I do think we should be friends better” , then talk to him again? would it work?

      Thanks a lot. =(

    • Iris - 0

      Iris

      Hi Amor,

      Besides, I understand if i can get him to move one step more, then everything would be easier, but seems he don’t wanna put it that step! Besides, i don’t know how to show him i massively changed.

      Thanks a lot.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      At this point, it would be better to think of it that he has moved on from you.. Chasing is never attractive. You’ll either be used or ignored if you do that. You have to raise your value by improving yourself. If he can see you’re desperate for him, he’s not going to be attracted. Aim to be the ungettable girl. That means being willing to lose him if it doesnt work. Lose him than lose yourself.

  4. Jay - 0

    Jay

    My ex and I were together for two and a half years. We had a special connection, we helped eachother through a lot in that time and really shaped eachother into who we are now. We were both committed to the long run, best friends, in eachothers families.

    He started a new job, and in the final months we argued on and off – rather than support him I would get on at him for not prioritising me. I regret that. I lost sight of what was important. Eventually he said he couldn’t take the arguing anymore and tried to end things, but I convinced him to give us a shot – him wanting to leave made me realise nothing else was important. So we then spent 2/3 weeks just moving forward, no arguments.. but I catch him messaging someone else, and when I confront him, he breaks up with me – said obviously he’s not happy and he knows we won’t make eachother happy in the long run.

    This was 4 months ago. I did a month of no contact, and then tried far too soon to reconcile, we met up a couple of times, just to talk, nothing serious.. and it was nice. I probably hadnt changed outwardly. The second month he was very hot and cold. Since then I’ve decided to close the door and just move on, I’ve grieved. We’ve spoken very rarely just the odd message on Christmas/birthdays/when I had a family problem he was there for me.,

    Now I’m working on me, trying properly to move on, date etc. But I truly miss my best friend, and appreciate so much what we had together. I just want that chance that he never really gave me – to not be petty about little things, just appreciate him, and our relationship.

    How would I go about doing this? I’m not aware of him having a new gf or anything..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jay,

      if you really want a chance of that, he has to see you differently first, because pushing for a chance like that just looks like you’re using it for a way back.. he has to think you’ve moved on first.. so move on first

    • Jay - 0

      Jay

      Hi Amor,

      Thank you so much for getting back to me!
      How do you mean move on.. and how can I move on and make him realise…

      I dont feel ready to date anyone, else and I dont think that me plastering all over social media that im with someone new would be at all attractive to him.. thats not who i am either..

      I cant figure out my next steps!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you dont have to date anyone but you have toove forward in your life. Make a new routine, improve yourslef, do new things and make new friends

  5. Linda - 0

    Linda

    My boyfriend broke up with me 8 weeks ago. He said we had too many problems and that this is the best for us right now. He keeps on saying that we might get back together in the future but today he told me that we probably won’t get back together. We’ve been together for 3 years and in LDR for 1 year. I know we can fix our problems but I don’t know what to do now when he told me that we probably won’t get back together? I don’t know if he got annoyed or if he really means it. Ever since the break up he has been really cold and distans. What should I do?

    Reply
  6. Charlotte - 0

    Charlotte

    So i’ve gotten into a bit of a complicated situation with my ex…
    We’re both 25 and originally dated for 5 years. We were each others firsts and it was our first long term relationship. He’d never dated before me, whereas i had dated others before him. Things got bad after i found him on dating sites 6 months into the relationship and i threatened to walk out. He begged me to stay and i did, however things just became worse and worse after that with our trust breaking down and both of us resenting each other, feeling more alone when we were together than apart. So i broke up with him.

    Fast forward to a year since the break up and I’ve completed NC successfully, and we’ve been seeing each other for 4 months. He flat out refuses to call me his girlfriend. We act like we’re in a relationship, he messages me every night, talks about a future with me and having children, and wants to see me more often. I’m even starting a new career and he’s asking me not to move abroad because he doesn’t want to lose me. He never wants me not to be in his life.
    I pointed this all out to him and asked why he refuses to call me his girlfriend. He keeps saying he’s stressed, he can’t move on with his life until his parents get back together, he’s not ready etc. He seems to think that being my boyfriend again means marriage. I’m certainly not thinking like that, or ready for that yet. He on the other hand is combining marriage and being my boyfriend.
    I have no idea what to do. He’s doing everything he can to avoid the title, while actually doing everything that a boyfriend would be doing. He knows that i’ve fallen back in love without me saying it, and i know that he cares just as much, but i can’t carry on like this. I’ve given him another week to decide until i make my choice, because i honestly can’t keep wasting my time if he doesn’t want to take this further. Especially since it’s been 4 months of us dating already.
    I don’t want to lose him, but at the moment i don’t see any other choice if he won’t make the decision to call me his girlfriend. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Charlotte,

      yup..lose him or lose standards.. because at this point, you’re basically allowing him not to commit

  7. Sherry - 0

    Sherry

    My ex-boyfriend and I are older (51 and 48) and started out pretty hot and heavy about 6 months ago after meeting on eHarmony. We are VERY similar (matched between 96 and 100% on all categories by eHarmony) and love to crack each other up. He talked pretty early about moving in (eventually) and marriage (“unless something MAJOR happens”). (This would be his 3rd marriage and my first.) Unfortunately, we both experienced about 3 months of VERRRRRRY stressful time (work mostly) and we had less time for each other (we even went over 4 weeks without having sex because he was SO exhausted–genuinely!). I thought that once things settled down (in December, but then there is Christmas!), we would regain our connection and time for each other. We took our first vacation together after Thanksgiving, but it was uncomfortable for me and it wasn’t very romantic, despite being in a very beautiful, mountainous, romantic setting. When I asked him about his distant behavior, he said I was “reading too much into it.” When we got home and talked about it (New Year’s day after playing tennis and laughing/hanging out having fun!), he said maybe we are too much alike because, although we still have AMAZING sex, he feels we are so similar that I’m more like a friend (or even a sister–ugh!). We jointly and amicably split up because, despite my belief that we could regain the passion we once had, he didn’t believe he would change his mind (he said he had “thought” about it for several weeks). He asked if I’d still like to be friends and I said, “The girl in me says yes, but the psychologist (yes, I’m a psychologist!) in me says that won’t likely work,” since our future partners aren’t likely to appreciate us spending time with an ex, even as friends. We hugged goodbye and I heard him take two quick breaths (like he was crying, although I didn’t see any real tears). As he walked out to his car, I told him I loved him and after a couple second hesitation, he looked back and said, “I love you, too, Sherry” and got in his car and drove away. The next day (as expected), I stalked his FB page and saw that he unfriended me already and I wasn’t following him (I’m not sure how the following thing works, honestly). I thought long and hard about it for two days and (before I found Ex-boyfriend Recovery) decided to write him a brief e-mail saying that since we are basically in the same field and have SO much in common, I felt I made a hasty move (as my brain was BUZZING from the fact that he wasn’t willing to try to fix things) and would of course like to be friends, since I generally enjoy smart and funny people (like him!) for friends. I sent this Tuesday morning and haven’t heard a reply 2 days later (I know he saw it because he has to monitor his e-mail for work). I read information from your pages about NC and what to do on my FB page and how to focus on my own self (I posted that I’m returning to ballroom dance lessons and plan to post a pic when I play tennis tonight). So, my question is:

    What do I do if HE is doing NC to ME???

    I don’t feel overly anxious (well, not as much as I usually would in this situation) and hope that he will see all the fun I’m having on my FB posts (I changed my privacy settings from “friends only” to “public”). I hope he will look at my page eventually and I have to believe that he will remember how much fun we had and how much we have in common, but if he never contacts me, I guess NC doesn’t work! Should I EVER contact him (after a month or two)? Any advice??? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sherry,

      If he doing the nc rule, that means he wants you back because after it he would have to build rapport. But I think what you mean is that he’s ghosting you. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it wouldn’t be nice to keep messaging you when it’s apparent that he’s ignoring you. And I think what he meant with what he said is that there is no mystery in you, because you two are too alike. He can’t see you as someone intriguing enough to make him interested and chase you.

    • Sherry - 0

      Sherry

      Thanks for the reply, Amor!

      Well, right after I sent this question to you, he replied via text (I guess he’s not ghosting me after all?):

      “I did not mean to just ignore your email from the other day. I don’t know what I think about trying to maintain a friendship. You were pretty clear and decisive when you said that you didn’t think it would work. I’m not sure which side of this you really stand on. I kind of think that we should just leave it the way it is. I think it could just lead to making each other feel badly at some point. I don’t know that there needs to be more discussion on this, but if you feel strongly about it we could talk.”

      He has a history of misinterpreting me (making assumptions that aren’t true), but I DID underline in my original e-mail the words “Of course I would like to still be friends.” So why does he use such hesitant language (kinda, I don’t know, etc.) and say he’s not sure which side of this I really stand on? He sounds insecure…?

      Anyway, I did not reply and am one week into NC now. I am still posting on FB all the fun things I’m doing and looking into getting a professional photo taken (also good for professional reasons), but I just wonder if I should just move on if he isn’t sure if he even wants to be friends (?). Your thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      maybe it came across to him that you were trying too hard to be friends, because later on you would want to be back. finish nc first, then if he’s not friendly after that, move on..

  8. Deb - 0

    Deb

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up on not the best of terms. We were together almost 2 years and the last year of being together he cheated, we took breaks, and he overall just did not treat me well. After the breakup I tried to leave things on a positive note however he didn’t seem to care, went off on me, and told me he didn’t think we should ever speak again. So I came to this site and it’s been seven months since I’ve spoken to him. I’ve changed my look, dated other people, and I’m in a pretty good place. However I miss him and the other night I was drunk and called him so his phone rang once (little imature I know) but then he called me back a few minutes later so it rang once and then proceeded to txt me “did you call me?” I then responded I “I got a new phone it was an accident sorry” and he responded “ok”. Now we haven’t talked since that and I’m not sure what to do from here. I thought he’d deleted my number but I guess not and I didn’t think he would have answered me in the first place. I’m curious why he called back and I wanna contact him again but don’t know how to do it without seeming desperate. Plz help.

    Reply
  9. Suhani - 0

    Suhani

    I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Suhani,

      you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.

  10. layla - 0

    layla

    Hi! I wrote on another article before but I forget where so figured this best fit me now. Anyways you probably remember me and how things definitely did not go as plan with my ex. I’ll try to make a quick recap. I’m 30 and my ex is 26. We were together a year and I basically lived with him and he broke up with me because he was “unhappy with himself and needs time to be alone to work on himself.” He basically was unhappy how he hasn’t found a fulltime job in his field (instead he only works in retail 2 days a week). I honestly thought we’d work things out because I know I was with him practically everyday since I basically lived with him and I told him we could spend less time together and just go on date once a week or so but he told me that was not a relationship. I went into NC and a month later reconnected and next thing I know we sleep together. We speak and hook up several times a week for awhile. Then I find out 6 weeks after we broke up he started hooking up with his best friend’s ex Anna. He had us both. I know this for sure because I just got a job next door to his place (I’m a teacher) so I’d see her car over when I would go to work or leave work. Anyways I still put up with him….testing to see if he wants me over Anna. Then in the middle of May I felt he lead me on by acting like my BF (and not friends like benefit which is how I felt he treated me before). However next thing I know he becomes sooo distant with me. He starts blowing me off and then just ignores my texts completely. I was upset and mid June I confront him. I ask him what his problem is when we used to text almost everyday and hangout several times a week and now you want nothing to do with me. He told me he only saw me as a “once a month or less friend” and that I was suffocating him and needy and he was even debating being friends. I told him he initiated texts and hang out just as much as me and suddenly you are over it and won’t say why. He did not answer and a couple of days later I just texted: I know the reason, you have Anna and you slept with us both at the same time. I done being the only one putting in an effort and you made it clear you want nothing to do with me by the way you started treating me.”

    I heard from him 2 weeks later when he called me to claim a friend saw me drive by (a lie) and he said I stalk him and he sees me drive by his house in the day. I told him yes because as you know I worked at the school down your street but now that school is over I’m not in his town so he has nothing to worry about. I told him it was very shitty of him to get a gf so soon after breaking up with me when you claim you need to be alone. He said she isn’t his GF they just “hang out.” So I said ok then why cant we hang out anymore? He wouldnt answer and said he had to go. I went into NC. He ended up seeing my cousin a few weeks later and he talked to her about me. Told her he felt I was stalking him and she said no she isn’t and that he is going to regret letting me go because I am amazing.

    Anyways after 45 days of N, in August, HE TEXTED ME. He asked me to a movie. I declined saying I was busy. I thought it was weird given he is still with Anna though not official (I know people who know) plus he thinks I’m a stalker why would you talk to a stalker….Anyways he kept initiating texts will me and I was very non chalant. About after 3 weeks into him texting me every few days, he invites me to a movie again and I go. It was great but nothing happened. Then he starts texting me every day and asks to see me every week (in september-early october) I play it cool the whole time. I swear the initiating score was ridiculous. Like 300 to like 5 for me lol! Anyways then he gets a fulltime job in his field and starts being distant with me. I want to say it’s job stress that made him that way but I don’t think so because I know Anna still goes over so he clearly still make time for her regardless of his new job. It’s insulting. Anyways I begin initiating the texts since he stopped and he only replied to them 2-3 days alter very short. I initiate going to watch a hockey game and he accepts and we had fun. I dont initiate any contact but he finally texts me beginning of October to go over to his Thanksgiving with his friends (he texted after midnight) I ignored it until the next day. Thought it was weird given shouldn’t Anna be there? and well it was all his close friends and their GF….Then I don’t hear from him…a week later I ask to hang out. I honestly wanted to talk to him about why he can go from texting me every day and asking to see me every week to barely anything this past month. Like what changed? It’s not just the job because if he really cared about me he’d make the time like he has for Anna. Anyways he invites me to his house to watch hockey (mid October). He was in a really weird mood so I did not feel it was the time to talk. He told me he is exhausted and hates work and feels he has no life becaise all he does is work and gets home late and has no life until the weekend and he claims that isnt living. He seemed depressed and we had a really deep conversation lol. Just not about us which is what I wanted to talk about…..anyways I leave. Don’t her from him and I text him 2 weeks later. He tells me he broke his arm last week and had surgery so he cant work for may weeks. He said he isnt in the mood to hang because of his arm….yet Anna is over almost everyday since he isn’t working.

    This upset me because he never told me about his arm when it happened. Don’t friends share that? And now he seems to be making a lame excuse on why he cant see me…when he can clearly see Anna….I back off completely. DOn’t hear from him. A month later (end of November) I text him. He says he can’t do anything because he is going to his gf house. WOW. I text oh so is that why you have stopped talking to me or wanting to see me lately? Because you have a gf? He said no he has been with her since then. There just was not any good movies to see and he broke his arm and has not been in the mood. I said breaking an arm does not stop someone from communicating with a person they wish to keep in contact with. It’s weird no? He said no we are friends and he has friends that he goes months without speaking to and that if I can’t just be friends with him he understands. I asked is it normal for someone to text a person every day and ask to hang out every week for a month and then just disappear? he did not answer and I wrote your silence speaks volumes. He wrote back well I asummed you knew I had a gf and becuase we were just becoming friends again I did not want to talk my ear off about her and yes its normal to stop talking when I haven’t been wanting to leave my house in a month. I asked to call him to discuss it and he did not answer. then I tried calling him the next day. No answer. So I sent a final text: I don’t understand why you refuse to talk to me now, but if I don’t hear back from you by today I’ll just assume that for whatever reason you no longer care to have me in your life. Please don’t text me out of the blue to see a movie again because I know it will only lead to you talking to me and asking to see ma again but that will inevitably lead to you cutting off contact with me for no real reason. I don’t know of any friends who treat their friends like that and I value myself too much to let anyone treat me that way.

    I haven’t heard from him. It’s been exactly a month. The kicker ANNA AND HIM AREN’T OFFICIAL. I asked his close friend and someone I know straight up asked her and Anna responded we spend a lot of time together, we always have but she does not know what they are. They just enjoy each other;s company and for now thats it. I’ve been very active but I blocked him on snap (the only social media I post constantly on) because I did not want him seeing what Im up to when he rarely posts things. I saw that he deleted me off his videogame’s friendslist this week. Guess he figures I won’t be playing on his PS4 again…

    Anyways I’ve been keeping really busy. Found my job contract has been extended to te summer (when it was supposed to end in January) so I’m happy about that. Things are going great for me…except with my ex. I know I should just move on but I can’t help thinking we will work out eventually. It’s not like he is stopping me from dating I just haven’t met a worthy guy…I don’t know what to do…do I reach out to him after many months? Do I only wait till I know he no longer sees Anna anymore??? What is going on with him and Anna anyways? She a rebound? It’s been over 7 months!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi layla,

      Cross the bridge when you get there.. You have to move on without fully moving on first because when you sent messages before even if he was not responding, that really looks like chasing.. So, you have months ahead.. we dont know if they will become official or not by then.. and stop asking his friend too, believe me that will reach him at some point that you kept asking about him.. If they are not offcial after months, then try to rebuild rapport again

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      Don’t worry I only asked his friend that one time when he told me. I backed off after lol! Well I ended up seeing him at the movie theater when I was waiting for my friend to arrive. He was leaving. I was hoping for a cordial greeting or something because he was passing me. But he put his head down and past me quickly. This bugged me because what you need to avoid me now? It’s been over a month….I ended up texting right after. I probably shouldn’t have but I wanted to test the waters. I simply wrote. I have to ask, was that you I just saw at the theater? he didnt reply and 15 mins later I wrote “sorry. I realize I sound like a creeper and I know if I got a message like that I’d be weirded out lol! But I swear I’m at the theater and could have sworn I saw you walk by. Anyways just want to clear the air that you don’t need to be a stranger.”

      no reply :/. I don’t know I felt it was the perfect opportunity to reach out and I wanted to test the waters and I figured my second message was kind and broke the awkwardness and I figured only a dick wouldn’t reply to that. Well he didn’t, which has showed me his true colours. Was all that a big mistake?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I agree with you.. Your texts was ok, the problem is with him..

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      Hi Amor!

      I know the problem is him. I don’t get what I did to be treated the way he has…lead me on twice since dumping me while having another girl in his life…and the second time I was very non chalant about it and played it cool….

      Anyways 2 things. First you say I should build a rapport as friends in a few months if they aren’t official….but what do I do if they are official? Not bother? I ask only because maybe they are now? I don’t know I haven’t asked anyone but it’s the holidays and I’m sure they would establish something by now given it’s been 7 months…plus I know he went over to her place at night on Christmas Day…

      Also more has happened since he saw me at theatre, snubbed me, & ignored my text…2 days later I get a call from him around 11 pm. I decline it. The next day I texted him: I noticed you called last night but I was with a friend and couldn’t talk. What’s up?. No reply….hours later I try to call him (figure I could given how he called me). It went straight to voicemail with no rings (so I’m thinking he blocked me…pretty sure that happens when ur blocked). I know his phone was not off because he was logged in on fb….

      So then I started doubting he eve got any of my texts lately. But I can’t know for sure you know…so I decided to message him on fb: so was there a reason you called last night? He finally replied that it was an accident because he blacked out last night from his work Christmas party and must have called me while trying to reach his brother to crash at his place….

      MY name is no where close to his bro…did he drunk dial me you think? Oh and just before I called him he liked a selfie I posted the day before on fb (and as you know I rarely post things on fb…and he hasn’t liked any of my pics in the past…) what the heck???

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      For me you should move on if they are official or if the girl is still present.. If you still want to try, set a limit until when you’re going to try to rebuild attraction.. maybe he did drunk dial and he just doesn’t want to admit it

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      How long should I remain NC and see what’s up with him & Anna? 5 months? I know that’s around his bday so it’s the perfect time to text out of the blue…and that’s around the time him & Anna have been doing whatever they’ve been doing for a year….

      Also should I re-add him now on snap chat?

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      Sorry Amor I forget if on my new comment I wrote today if I added: should I try re-add my ex on snap chat now and see if he accepts…. Or is it too soon/bad idea?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s ok.. Yeah, it’s ok to add him back..if he doesn’t accept, so be it.

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      So I saw that my ex blocked or deleted me off face book today….not sure how to take it….as you know I haven’t spoken to him since November….

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if the goal is to do a very long nc..then whatever he does during it shouldn’t matter because you shouldn’t have been checking on him

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      It gets worse………..I snooped and see that Anna (whom I’m not friends with blocked me too…) all today I assume…
      What gives? Clearly this does not look good for me….and I don’t know if it’s worth trying to contact him in a few months….it’s already been almost 2 months since I spoke with him (and well 1 month since he accidently dialed my number drunk and I texted him asking why he called the next day…) I don’t know what to do Amor 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if the goal is to do a very long nc..then whatever he does during it shouldn’t matter because you shouldn’t have been checking on him

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      I know it’s just easy to see that happened because as you know he liked a pic I posted last month and I just posted 1 or 2 more so I saw that his like was gone and checked….I just don’t understand why now and why get Anna to block me too? I think he thinks I’m doing something like last time when he accused me of driving by….but yes my goal is long NC. Its been 2 months since I last had a conversation about his poor behaviour (ghosting me when he was all about texting and seeing me) and in that convo he lied to me saying Anna was his gf when she is not…then last month he drunk called me but I didn’t answer but fb messaged him next day seeing what was up…now I’m worried I’m blocked on his cell too so I have no way to reach him if I want to later down the road…..how long should I keep remaining in nc? What do I do if I’m blocked everywhere?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if they blocked you, the more probable reason is because they both think you’re chasing.. So, if it’s a long nc and if he sees and hears through mutual friends you’re moving on, he’ll probably unblock you..

    • Layla - 0

      Layla

      How long should I keep being in NC and try to reach him somehow even though I’m most likely blocked?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      at this point, I think you should do 6 months. if you’re still blocked by then, move on…

  11. Ash - 0

    Ash

    This was a great podcast! My scenario is a bit different and I’m stuck on what to do next. My ex broke up with me out of the blue in May. In the summer we continued to date/text etc while he worked through his issues. (His depression came back) End of August I found out he’d been talking to several random girls and slept with at least 1 girl. I went NC for September. since then we are back to talking everyday and hanging out about once a week but we are not kissing/sleeping together etc. I think he may have started seeing a girl but he hasn’t said ANYTHING to me about it. How do I get him to go on a romantic date with me or movie it forward?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ash,

      what do you do when you hang out? If you have built rapport, just invite him..make it a casual invite. Tell him let’s go watch this weekend!

  12. Lilly - 0

    Lilly

    Hello, my boyfriend told me he needed a break from me for a while because I had some traits that were getting on his nerves. He was stressed out about school and working full time and I was being goofy and trying to cheer him up, but instead I think I made him feel his feelings were irrelevant. We had only dated three months, but had a real strong connection, but he started pulling away when he started his classes for his MBA. When he asked for a break I went into immediate NC and waited three weeks. I messaged him yesterday and asked him if we could talk, but all he responded was “I don’t think you should have to change”. I asked him what he meant by that, but he hasn’t responded back. How do I get him to talk to me? I feel like this can be worked out, but only if we communicate.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lilly,

      if he doesn’t want to talk which was what you clearly want and you told him that.. then you can’t force him.. It’s clear he doesn’t want it now. So act like you understood him. Give him space but this time, don’t just wait. Be active. Act like you cant wait for him forever because you have your own life too.. Heal, improve, explore enjoy.. I think this time you need to do another 3 weeks or 30 days, if he’s still like that, it means he’s ghosting you, and that you have to move on..

    • Lilly - 0

      Lilly

      Hey Amor, I didn’t mention in my first comment that he untagged himself in our facebook photos on day 9 of nc, day 10 he unfriended me, and day 15 he untagged himself in all the facebook posts that we were together. I wanted to reach out to him before he did all of this, but I felt like he was trying to get a reaction out of me, and the fact that he said he needed a break and he was really stressed (very type A personality), I felt it would be best to wait. There was nothing really wrong in the relationship, just a build up of things he didn’t tell me about until he blew up at me. This is also a man who met my family, helped me train my dog, fixed the belt on my car, and told me he had nightmares about me leaving him for another man. Why is it that sometimes guys can be so stubborn and stonewall you out of their lives? I ended up texting him that I felt like we were throwing something good away and that I wanted to fight for us, did that push him away further?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Not really.. but if he’s a Type A personality, that means you have to level up and be at par with his achievements to be able to really see you’ve changed.

  13. Confused? - 0

    Confused?

    Hi,

    Reading the comments section, I can’t help but notice almost 80% of people seem to have contact from their ex in the first days or early on in NC. I can’t help but feel somewhat jealous, considering my ex hasn’t reached out at all and tomorrow is day 21 of my 30 day NC. Does this mean NC isn’t working? I feel like the longer the time frame..the more hopeless. I am improving myself but I’m confused why other people have more luck with NC than I do? I mean I was with him nearly a year.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Confused,

      It’s not really luck. It’s more of about the situation. There are a lot that doesn’t hear from their exes too during and even after nc. It’s when they start to really move on, when the ex starts to contact them because the change becomes real but of course there are a lot too that really doesn’t progress and just continue to move on after nc.

    • Confused - 0

      Confused

      But aren’t the chances of getting him back after NC a lot less? Have you seen cases where after 30 days or more the ex reached out?

      Thanks for your insight Amor!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just 30 days after the break up, yes. There are a lot that get back together after completing straight 30 days, especially if they were able to do it right away.. But the more you do the no contact rule, the less the chances because you’re going to look like you’re just ignoring him to get him back and not really change..

    • Confused - 0

      Confused

      I implemented straight away NC. But during the break up he said he needed weeks/ months for himself, he’s facing uncertainty as to whether he will stay in the country and I said “you won’t contact me after weeks/ months” and he basically agreed with me. So now I’m thinking me giving him NC isn’t actually making him miss me, just giving him what he wanted in the first place. Especially since its day 23 of NC. He didn’t want to lead me on if he wasn’t gonna stay here in this country..so maybe he went back.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Well, he probably doesn’t expect you to move on and improve..and if space is really what he wants then you’re respecting his decision by doing nc and leveraging it by improving yourself..and a person wont miss you if you’re always present but the reason we also encourage initiating and building rapport after nc is to help him be reminded of the good times and to notice the new you but that’s also why it’s very important to change first because if you didn’t, he might think you’re chasing.

    • Confused - 0

      Confused

      Thanks Amor, I don’t see how he can tell I’ve improved myself cos got me blocked on FB and I deleted his number. He’s still got mine as far as I know. It’s been over 23 days of NC and I’m beginning to feel I need to give up.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Your posts need to public..so, that even if he’s blocked, he would still see it if he checks it through a different account

  14. Celeste - 0

    Celeste

    I’ve been dating my ex for around 6 months now. We’re exclusive with each other but i’m getting quite a few mixed signals from him.

    So he’s talking about marriage and children. Saying everyone he knows are having children, he’s getting old, that he’ll be there when we have children, and that he doesn’t want to spend the time to find someone else etc. He basically wants to settle down. He’s telling me how beatuiful and cute i am, and that he’ll miss me when i’m not there.

    Then the next minute he’s completely different and treating me like a friend with benefits. Despite us being exclusive with each other, he refuses to call me his girlfriend (we’ve been exclusive for 5 months yet he won’t call me his girlfriend). We see each other every once every 2 weeks where i stay over at his place. He also tried teasing me about dating someone else. I was honest and told him it would seriously hurt if we broke up, and he quickly says there’s nothing to break because we’re not together?!

    So I brought it up and he says that if things happen they happen. Then he tried hiding behind his work, saying he’s really busy (there’s always going to be work in our lives). So it’s now gotten to the point where i’ve told him that i’m not continuing to sleep with him until he figures out what he wants. I’ve made my choice but i won’t wait forever. He’s admitted he’s scared of things turning out like they did before, and we broke up and got back together multiple times but he won’t see that he’s pushing me away by acting like this.

    I’m so confused. Do you have any insight on what’s going on with him? Any idea of what i should be doing?

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Celeste,

      did he tell publicly that you are exclusive or he just kept saying to you only?

    • Celeste - 0

      Celeste

      Sorry if the email i used before doesn’t show up. I was having a few issues with the webpage accepting my comment. So i also tried again with another of my emails, I’m not sure which of my comments will show.

      He’s only said that to me in private. He’s invited me out with a few of his friends who i knew while we were dating. But he’s very vague when they ask if we’re together again or not. He simply says that we’re trying to connect and has introduced me as his friend.

      Even earlier on the phone he brought up that a girl he dated while we were apart. She didn’t want to see him because she didn’t feel any chemistry between them, so he felt better about a coworker saying they had good professional chemistry? Then he’s saying he dated her because she reminded him of me. That he has a type and i’m it.

      He also reacted quite badly to me saying that i was going out with one of my male friends. We’re off for a hike and he’s saying things like ‘booo’ over the phone. I know that he’s a little jealous of the guy, but he tried to be competitive. Saying he needs to find himself a female friend to do things with? I reassured him that we were friends, and asked if he wanted to come along. But he refuses and mentioned again that we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend?

      I can’t understand why one minute he’s acting like my boyfriend, and the next keeps insisting that we’re not a couple. Even the way he says it is blunt. Yet he doesn’t want me dating other men, and insists that he’s not dating any other women.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Oh no.. You’re not exclusive.. That’s what he wants you to believe to keep you hooked but truth is you’re not..what’s your plan now?

    • Celeste - 0

      Celeste

      Considering it’s been 5 months and he’s still not willing to commit to me, i think i only have one option if i truly respect myself. I deserve the respect and love that i’m willing to give. I deserve more than what he is currently offering me. Someone is ready to commit to me in return. Sometimes we just need that confirmation of what we knew all along! XD
      Even though it looks like things aren’t going to work out between me and my ex, going through NC and having the time to truly find myself has been amazing. I’m stronger, and know that i’ll make it through this without becoming closed off or bitter. So i cannot thank you and the whole EBR team enough for your support, and advice 🙂 x

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I’m very happy you chose yourself.. Keep being like that because when you respect yourself,more people will respect you too

  15. Louise - 0

    Louise

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up nearly 8 weeks ago. It was all very out of the blue, we were supposed to move in together and he booked our anniversary the day before he broke up with me, he said it was the hardest thing he had to do as it’s the best we’ve ever been and he loves me / is in love with me. Anyway, we spoke every few days for about 6 weeks after, I kept trying to implement the no contact rule but he’d text me with something he needed from me, so I eventually said to him to come to get the rest of us stuff from my house so I could implement the NC rule properly ( I didn’t tell him that’s what I was trying to do). He stayed for about 30 minutes and it was quite heated and he was angry and said he never loved me etc which isn’t remotely true. Following this, I sent him one message saying I disagreed with what he said and I was moving on and wished him well, no reply. I was out on Thursday with a group of mutual friends, he wasn’t there but went to the meal after with all of his friends who were at the first event with me, some of them like to cause drama even though they are in their late 20s and that’s exactly what they did. Apparently they were talking about me and he was asking lots of questions. I saw his friends again after the meal when he had gone home and they kept trying to talk to me about it and I wasn’t really obliging. They did tell me that he was asking who I was with and talking to, and asked why I wanted to go to the meal (I didn’t – one of his friends stirring again saying that I was trying to go). Some of the nice friends said that from what he’s told them he couldn’t put a reason on why he broke up with me and he seems really confused (he’s 28 and I was his 1st girlfriend). Anyway, it had been nearly two weeks since I contacted him but I had to do so yesterday as the present I ordered for him before we broke up arrived at his office and he has the insurance documents for a holiday we were supposed to go on together that I need to try and get a refund for, so I tried to call him and left a voicemail. Heard nothing back so I text him asking if he got my voicemail and saying it would be greatly appreciated if he could update me on those things, he text this morning saying he’d emailed the stuff and returned the present and to ‘please never contact him anymore’. I’m not sure why he’s being so cold when I’ve only contacted him for one valid reason in the past two weeks. It’s confusing and I don’t understand why he’s so mad?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Louise,

      Maybe because something about what he and his friends talked about. It’s ok to talk to him about his stuff during nc, as long as it’s only about the stuff. What’s more important is that you really improve. So, this time, focus in improving yourself.

  16. Ashley - 0

    Ashley

    I just want to say that I absolutely love this episode. I’ve noticed that the more I look into myself the more I’ve managed to decipher why I felt this ever growing need to cling onto my ex. With that, I’ve then been able to also try to deal with exactly why I had this extra clinginess. This just has just been one more push to help me step in the right direction, I’ve been trying so hard to learn to love myself, and it’s only after this breakup and after finding this website that I’ve really been able to take a step down that path. Thank you so much for everything you both do.
    Also, just looked into getting that book at my local Chapters ;P

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Thank you Ashley! I’ll forward this to Chris so he can forward this to Christine as well 🙂

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