By Chris Seiter

Updated on September 7th, 2021

This is the ultimate guide for knowing if your ex still has feelings for you.

In fact:

Each of the signs that I’m going to list out here today have been taken directly from our success stories.

Let’s dive right in.

In all, there are 16 signs to keep an eye out for if your ex still wants you back.

    1. Your ex goes through their own personal “pendulum effect”
    2. Your ex has a high investment of time into you
    3. Your exes true intentions come out during drunk texting
    4. Your ex goes on the rebound but can’t seem to stop talking to you
    5. Your exes social media mirrors their feelings
    6. Your ex gets really jealous of you
    7. Your ex actually uses a form of reverse psychology on you
    8. Your ex begins to exhibit nostalgic reverie
    9. Your ex begins to “future pace”
    10. Your exes response time is extremely fast
    11. Your ex acts like the two of you are still together
    12. You hear from a mutual friend they were asking about you
    13. Your ex purposefully prolongs conversations
    14. Your ex is there for you during a particularly tough moment
    15. Your ex tries to meet up with you quickly after no contact
    16. Your ex overreacts to a no contact rule

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Sign #1: Your Ex Goes Through Their Own Personal “Pendulum Effect”

One minute you’re done. It’s over. The next you find out he’s asking all of your friends if you are seeing someone.

Then he’s giving you the cold shoulder. Then he’s sending you late night texts about nothing.

It’s almost like he’s trying to play games with your head.

This type of behavior results from an internal struggle.

Think about it.

We all question our decisions, even if we are super confident in them at first.

If your ex is being hot and cold with you after a breakup, you can bet he is at least giving into his feelings for you sometimes.

You don’t just cut someone important out of your life and not miss them. You can see both the upside and the downside of splitting up. So, you end up going back and forth between wanting them back and standing your ground.

It’s like this.

Is that not clear enough? Here let me try again.

Imagine him just swinging back and forth. At first, he is okay with his decisions he may even have a little animosity toward you. Then he thinks about it and remembers the times he enjoyed spending with you. But, then he reasons with himself and goes back to being okay with his decision.

You will be tempted to interrupt the swings and force him to stay on the side where he misses you.

It doesn’t work that way.

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The more you try to effect his position directly, the more likely he is to swing to the other extreme.

That’s why we focus on changing his position indirectly with No Contact.

But here’s the point, he still has feelings for you, he is just rationalizing past them.

Sign #2: Your Ex Has A High Investment Of Time Into You

Did you know that there are five motives for communicating with an ex?

Weird right?

  1. The friendship with the ex is strong and rewarding.
  2. They see their ex as a possible “backup”
  3. Their ex is part of a larger group of friends.
  4. They invested a lot of time and have been through a lot with the ex.
  5. They still have feelings for their ex.

We’re not talking about why you are keeping in touch with them. We’re talking about why they’re keeping in touch with you.

Staying in contact simply because you are a part of their circle of friends is almost always just a tactic to keep the peace. So, we can go ahead and write that one off as a sign that they have feelings.

They’re just avoiding drama.

Can’t blame them for that.

If the underlying friendship connection within the relationship was strong, we can assume that there are going to be at least some feelings there, but maybe not the overly strong ones you are hoping for. Although, I wouldn’t write that off. Because after the EBR process, your ex could easily transition from friendly feelings to “I miss them” feelings.

If they seems to be staying in touch to keep you as a backup, then it’s likely that they are lacking in some self esteem when it comes to dating other people. They may not have romantic feelings per say, but he still sees the possibility there. And that’s something.

If they invested a lot into the relationship in the first place and the two of you went through some trials together, then it is likely that the two of you formed a bond. It’s hard to break those.

Reestablishing those bonds takes some strategy. Luckily, we’ve laid out an actual strategy that we have proved works time and time again.

If this is your ex, stick with the program. They will be missing you in no time.

Sign #3: Your Exes True Intentions Come Out During Drunk Texting

There is not one but two quotes that come to mind when I think of drunk texts.

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.” – Charlie Chaplin


“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts”

Alcohol has the ability to amplify whatever you are feeling at the moment. So, if you are particularly down, a girl’s night out drinking isn’t really the best idea.

Likewise, if you are getting drunk texts from your ex, then there are two possibilities.

Either he is reflecting on your relationship and missing you or he’s hoping to hookup.

Either way he is thinking about you when he is vulnerable.

So that’s something to keep in mind… that you are on his mind.

Sign #4: Your Ex Goes On The Rebound But They Can’t Stop Talking To You

We kind of touched on this earlier. If a guy is in a new relationship, but he can’t seem to cut you off. It is likely that he is unhappy or insecure in his new relationship.

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The fact that he is keeping you around can be a good sign that he has feelings or you make him feel more comfortable.

You can learn more about that by watching this video.

Sign #5: Your Exes Social Media Mirrors Your Feelings

Let’s be honest, you’ve been on his Facebook. You’ve been keeping up with his posts, his snaps, and his vague Instagram posts.

And you’ve been trying to figure out if he’s trying to tell you something.

You find yourself looking for subtext in all of his posts.

It happens.



The post that is directed at someone without actually saying their name.

We’ve all seen the passive aggressive social media post. In fact, some of us may even be guilty of posting a song lyric or seven of our own.


It’s me.

I’m guilty.

When are you likely to do this?

When you are hurting and you just want someone to understand how you are feeling?

When something just resonates with you and you need to feel like someone is hearing you?

When you want your ex to know that you are missing them?

Basically when you are emotionally raw and feeling alone… THAT is when you start posting emotional and passive aggressive quotes and lyrics even if it’s not something you would normally do.


So, if you’re seeing a lot of emotional stuff coming from a guy who’s not normally very emotional. It’s safe to say he’s feeling the separation.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Sign #6: Your Ex Grows Very Jealous Of You

We’ve talked a lot about jealousy on this website.

So, I don’t think I need to go too in-depth here.

If your ex grows jealous of you after the breakup it is absolutely a sign that they still have feelings for you.

One of Coach Tyler’s favorite phrases is,

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

A surefire way to prove that your ex doesn’t have feelings for you is if you attempt to make your ex jealous and they don’t react at all. In fact, if they have grown so far apart from you they probably wouldn’t even notice.

On the other hand, if you post a picture like this,

And your ex turns into a detective trying to figure out who the person sitting across from you is then you know for a fact that they are jealous and still have feelings for you.

Again, nothing revolutionary here.

Let’s move on.

Sign #7: Your Ex Uses A Form Of Reverse Psychology On You

This one will probably require some context to properly explain.

As you may have heard me mention on my YouTube channel. I do a ton of interviews with success stories trying to understand what’s really working in the field.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting Mary, a woman who got her ex back after he blocked her.

But around the 7 minute mark of the interview she mentions something really interesting.

By the time her ex actually reached out to her he threw the typical breakup tantrum we see so many exes throw during no contact.

But this ex did something interesting.

He made specific statements insinuating that she had moved on and he would do the same.

“Looks like you’ve already moved on.”

“Well, have a nice life.”

I found this particularly interesting because essentially what her ex was doing was insinuating that she had moved on (when he knew she really hadn’t.)

The end goal was of course to get her to respond to him.

But the context is important to consider here because this is coming from an ex who eventually asked to reunite.

So, if you find your ex is trying to manipulate you with reverse psychology as odd as it sounds it might actually prove that they still have feelings for you.

Sign #8: Your Ex Begins To Exhibit Nostalgic Reverie

The concept of nostalgic reverie is an important one to grasp if you want to know if your ex still has feelings for you.

One of the best videos I ever recorded for my YouTube channel was one on understanding avoidant exes.

You see, most people completely misunderstand the way avoidant personalities deal with breakups. They think that once an avoidant becomes scared they will retreat and disappear closing this romantic chapter on their life forever.

That’s not what happens.

When an avoidant ex begins to feel like they are losing their independence they will end the relationship and retreat.

That much is true.

But what might be shocking for you to realize is that there will come a point when they do begin to miss you and have these extreme bouts of nostalgic reverie.

Usually this only occurs when they feel safe to miss you.

Sounds weird, right?

So, when is it safe to miss you.

One of two criteria must be met.

  1. They need to feel like you are over them
  2. They need to see you have moved on to someone else

Why do you think I go on and on about how the no contact rule should be about “outgrowing” your ex instead of making them miss you.

It’s because of this concept.

By outgrowing your ex you are exhibiting signals that you are moving on from them. It’s at this point that they feel safe to miss you and have these bouts of nostalgia.

So, if you are talking to your ex and you notice they keep bringing up really powerful memories of the past this is often why.

Sign #9: Your Ex Begins To “Future Pace”

Future pacing is a concept I noticed our clients exes exhibiting when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Basically it occurs when your ex talks about things that they’d like to do with you in the future.

Now, it’s usually not that cut and dry as the “future pace” can be embedded in a conversation to where it doesn’t look like a future pace.

Let’s imagine for a moment that you and your ex are having a conversation and at some point your love for Hawaii gets brought up.

To which your ex replies,

“Oh we’ll go there one day.”

This is a VERY good sign.

It’s a prefect future pace.

But while it’s exactly what you’re looking for it’s important not to overreact. Most people think that just because their ex future paces them that they are going to immediately come back. This is not necessarily the case.

Just because your ex has feelings for you doesn’t mean they are going to be begging for you back.

Identifying an ex who wants you back and making that ex commit are two entirely different things.

Sign #10: Your Exes Response Time Is Extremely Fast

Usually when we talk about texting an ex we are looking at things like,

  • Word count
  • Message intent
  • Who texted who first

The list goes on and on.

But one often undervalued thing to keep an eye out for is how quickly your ex is responding to you.

Specifically when you are getting deeper into the process.

Or rather your climb up the value ladder.

If you are having texting conversations with your ex and they are very quick to respond it’s an incredibly good sign.

Sign #11: Your Ex Acts Like The Two Of You Are Still Together

In my experience when an ex breaks up with you but nothing really changes emotionally between the two of you it’s a good sign.

Having them act like no breakup really occurred is interesting.

My personal take on it is that you have this person who is most likely exhibiting avoidant type of behavior. They may have felt their independence was at risk so they break up with you and while they maybe don’t regret the decision immediately they recognize that the emotional closeness they gained through the relationship is something they still want.

Essentially they want to have their cake and eat it too.

After surveying our audience we learned that most of their exes tend to exhibit avoidant behaviors and one thing you need to understand about avoidant exes is they really like to feel their independence is present.

So, you have these two conflicting concepts.

  1. Your ex wanting their independence
  2. But without a relationship with you

This is often why they act like the two of you are still together.

They need to reframe the relationship between the two of you into something that they can handle. Something that they can retain their independence with.

Yet they still want to have that emotional closeness.

It all goes into this concept of them not being able to let go of you fully.

Sign #12: You Hear From A Mutual Friend That They Were Asking About You

Our concept of the sphere of influence often doesn’t get enough credit and it’s actually pretty profound when you consider that often when trying to understand breakups there are two sphere of influences to take into account.


Your exes

So, what is “a sphere of influence.”

It’s essentially a group of people whose opinions you truly care about.

Usually people populating the sphere of influence will be,

  • Best friends
  • Family members
  • You get the idea

For this particular sign we are looking for what I like to call “the overlap.”

It’s essentially the point at which your sphere of influence overlaps with your exes sphere of influence.

Also known as “mutual friends”

So, this sign works in the obvious way you’d expect.

You hear from a mutual friend that your ex was asking about you.

BUT when you hear from them is just as important.

Usually you’re hoping to hear from the mutual friend that your ex was asking about you when you are already in “the texting phase” of that value ladder graphic I posted above.

Sign #13: Your Ex Purposefully Prolongs Conversations With You

Have you ever been in the midst of a conversation with your ex on the phone and you thought to yourself,

“I just don’t want this to end.”

That’s how you know you’re having one hell of a conversation so you continue having it and then eventually both you and your ex run out of things to talk about and you are greeted with these long silences as someone tries to think of something to prolong the conversation.

If you are getting to this point with your ex it is an incredibly good sign.


It means that your ex would rather sit in silence trying to think of something else to say than doing something more entertaining with their time.

It’s a sign that they care about you.

Now, one overlooked factor is that this prolonging effect can occur in all conversations whether they be in texting, in person or on the phone.

They will have slightly different variations depending on what you are encountering but the thing you need to be paying attention to is what your ex does when both of you run out of things to talk about.

If they stay in the conversation it’s a good sign.

Sign #14: Your Ex Is There For You During A Particularly Tough Moment

Life isn’t easy.

As you go through this process you’re bound to encounter situations outside of your breakup that are trying.

Interestingly, how your ex responds to these type of situations can give us insight into how they really feel about us.

I honestly can’t take credit for this as I just took the five love languages and adapted one of them to fit my purposes here.

If you aren’t familiar with the five love languages I highly recommend you check this out.

But basically it just states that human beings have these five languages of love.

  1. Words of Affirmation – Using words to convey how you feel
  2. Physical Touch – Appropriate physical touch
  3. Receiving Gifts – Literally receiving gifts
  4. Quality Time – Giving the person your undivided attention
  5. Acts of Service – Actions speak louder than words

But first before I explain their importance I’d like to share a story.

I was interviewing a success story a few years ago and she told me this really interesting story about how her father had a health scare and had to get rushed to the hospital. She was in the process of trying to get her ex back at the time and was in the texting stage.

She briefly mentioned this to her ex and he went and sent her flowers.

So, here’s the point I’m trying to make.

If you are going through a tough time in your life and your ex actively tries to make it better by calling upon the love languages above it’s an incredibly good sign.

Sign #15: Your Ex Tries To Meet Up With You Quickly After No Contact

The no contact rule is without a doubt a foundational strategy that I’ve recommended for years.

In fact, it’s the very first thing I recommend to every new client.

Yet the real magic doesn’t tend to happen until your no contact rule is complete.

One trend that we’ve definitely noticed that shows an ex still has feelings for you is if they want to rush the value ladder process.

You remember this graphic,

We tend to be pretty strict about recommending our clients stick to it.

Yet sometimes upon getting back in touch with an ex they will want to rush immediately to seeing you in person.

This is both good and bad.

It’s good from a “hey my ex still has feelings for me” perspective but bad from a “I want my ex to commit” perspective.

If this happens to you here’s our recommendation.

Accept but make your ex jump through a hoop in the form of a reschedule.

“Sure, but I actually can’t that day. I’m free next Friday though.”

Sign #16: Your Ex Overreacts To A No Contact Rule

Finally we have those exes who freak out when you use the no contact rule on them.

We’ve written about this a lot on this website.

But we haven’t ever looked at it from a perspective of, is an ex overreacting during no contact a good sign before.

In short yes it is a good sign that they have feelings for you.

Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

So, what you don’t want to see is an ex who doesn’t care about you.

This isn’t so much a problem with an ex freaking out about you doing a no contact.

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