By Sarah Drees

So many women come to our Facebook page and say,

“My ex said I was insecure.”


“My insecurity killed my relationship.”

Before we delve into what it means to be insecure, which is the whole reason you arrived on this article, right? I want to take a few minutes to talk about what it means to be attractive. Don’t worry, I know where I’m going with this and by the end of this article, I’ll bundle everything together nicely for you so it makes perfect sense. Today you learn how to tell if you are actually insecure and how to become less insecure.

Okay, let’s get started.

What is Attractive?

Generally speaking, something that is attractive is something that is “pleasing or appealing to the senses.” I got really creative and googled it for your guys. That is literally what it said.

So what specifically what` do guys find attractive?

Guys find a lot of things about women attractive.

We all know this right, though?

Guys like:

  • The way girl’s look
  • The way girl’s smell
  • The way girl’s laugh at their dumb jokes
  • All kinds of things. You get my point.

However, do you know what guys find more attractive than any of the above? If you said “confidence,” then you would be right! Guys find it really attractive, like REALLY attractive when a girl is super confident.

If you want to read more about how and why confidence is attractive and other things that men find attractive, we wrote several articles about what it means to be an “Ungettable” Girl here.

The Ungettable Girl

The 6 Things That Are Keeping You From Being Ungettable

How to Be Confident When You Feel Like Crap After a Breakup

What Men Find Attractive

What Is Not Attractive?

Let’s play a really quick game. Next time you are on a computer, type out the word “confidence” and look up what it means to be the opposite of confident. Really, do it!

Okay, you don’t have to do it – I did it for you. Before I show you the results, I want to take a detour… yes, another one.

This time, I want you to think back to middle-school English class when we all learned what it means for something to be a “synonym” versus and “antonym.”

If you need a refresher, a “synonym” is a word that means that same thing as the word you are looking up. So, using the example of “confident,” a synonym would be “secure.” They kind of mean the same thing and are interchangeable. Got it?

A “antonym” on the other hand is a word that means the opposite of the word you are looking up. Well, guess what the opposite of “confident” is?


Don’t believe me. Below is the screenshot to prove it.

What can we learn from this?

Well, if being confident is attractive then, it would be safe to assume that being insecure is unattractive.

See, my detours always have a point.

What It Means To Be Insecure

We already know that being insecure is the opposite of being confident and is unattractive to guys. However, I want to dig a little further and talk about what it means to feel insecure and later we can talk about what you can do to feel more secure or confident.

While there is some truth to faking it until you make it, I want you to truly feel secure with yourself, not just to get an ex back, but for you.

Let’s be real, we ALL have things that we are insecure about. Generally speaking, a feeling of insecurity is an internal feeling of not feeling good enough in some way. Like you are lacking a certain something or a specific quality. To make this come full circle, feeling insecure is feeling “not confident” in one way or another.

Take me for example, for the longest time I was insecure about my height. You see, I’m only 5’0″.

5’0″ is also probably a slight exaggeration of my height too, but so not the point. I am always the shortest one in my group of friends, I can easily fit into large children’s clothing, and as for reaching for stuff on the top shelves… just forget it!

But here is the thing, I used to be really insecure about this.

Now, it is one of my favorite things about myself. I learned to shift my biggest insecurity into something I am proud of and something that I think truly sets me apart from others!

You can do the same!

Why Being Insecure is Not Attractive

Feeling insecure in your relationship sucks!!!

If that was you in your relationship, I feel you.

Insecurities of this kind can show up in some of the worst ways such as:

  • Being overly emotional
  • Constantly feeling “not good enough”
  • Feeling jealous or constantly worrying that your significant other will cheat
  • Always wanting more of a commitment

Insecurities, such as the ones above, can prevent you from enjoying your relationship or a particular moment. Worse, they can begin to chip away at what is otherwise a great relationship.

Signs of Being Insecure

Perhaps you are still unsure if you are coming off insecure or if any of your actions may have effected your relationship.

Fear not! I’ve created the below Insecure Reality Check(list) which covers common behaviors that are often associated with people that are insecure.f

I want you to read through the below list and count up how many of these statements you would agree are true or that you would agree describe you. No cheating!!! I mean it! This is how you tell if you are insecure.

Insecure Reality Check(list)

  • You feel the constant need to or you constantly do go through your significant other’s phone
  • You do not want to do any social activities without your significant other
  • You do not want your significant other to do any social activities without you
  • You often worry about your significant other’s previous partners
  • You want to know the passwords to your significant other’s accounts
  • You often cry when you and your significant other get into a confrontation
  • You often fear losing your significant other
  • You often fear that your significant other may find someone better
  • You want to know where your significant other is at all times
  • You fear your significant other interacting with anyone else datable
  • You text, call, email, etc. your significant other constantly with little or no replies
  • You often question whether your significant other is lying to you
  • You want to feel constantly reassured about your relationship
  • You guilt trip your partner when they do not call you or do not quickly return your calls or texts
  • You apologize as a means to avoid conflict or for small things
  • You’re overly critical or over analyze things you say or do on a regular basis

If you answered that three or more of the above statements were true, then it is possible that you are coming off as insecure. If you answered that six or more of the above statements were true then you are probably, almost definitely, coming off as insecure.

It is possible that your ex picked up on this and may have found this unattractive.

Don’t worry though, we are going to talk about a way to begin the process of reversing this so you can start to inadvertently convince your ex that you are not insecure.

I’m also going to provide you with a step by step plan to start the process of feeling more confident and going as far as to convince your ex that you ARE confident.

My Ex Told Me I’m Insecure

So the worst case scenario happened and your ex told you that you are insecure.


That had to have stung a bit.

Now, I’m going to have to give you some tough love for a minute because there are two main scenarios where an ex will call you insecure:

  • Scenario 1 – You were not insecure and he told you this in the heat of the moment
  • Scenario 2 – You were being insecure

Scenario 1

First of all if you think you fall into Scenario 1, I want you to double, triple, quadruple check that you are being totally honest with yourself. I would say that only about 5% of the people reading this article will fall into this category. It is far more likely that you actually fall into Scenario 2, or did something that caused your ex to think that you fall into Scenario 2.

Hey, no judging here. If you fall into Scenario 2, I’m glad you found this article!

If you actually fall into Scenario 1, you should move on from this comment that your ex made during this heated moment and do not let it get to you. A confident, Ungettable Girl, or UG, would not be bothered by this as she KNOWS that this is not true.

Your actions of not letting this bother you will speak more loudly than any efforts you may want to make to try to convince your ex that you are not insecure. Remember, actions speak louder than words so don’t tell your ex that you are not insecure, just simply show him by not reacting and going about your life.

Keep on with your confident UG-ness and proceed with the other EBR materials to get your ex back!

Scenario 2

So, you fall into Scenario 2.

Hey, again, no judging here.

If you fall into Scenario 2, you will need to take action to change the way that your ex perceives you. I’m not going to lie, some of the things in the list above may make this process a bit more challenging.

Let’s get started…

How Can I Convince My Ex I’m Not Insecure?

So, your ex told you that you were insecure and you may have actually been insecure and now you want to show him or prove to him that you are not insecure or that you are no longer insecure.

Remember at the beginning of this article and when we talked about what men find really attractive? You don’t remember? How did you already forget? No problem, here is a reminder:

Men find confidence to be really attractive.

You can use this knowledge to your advantage. Remember, being confident and insecure are opposites. The more you are of one, the less you will be of the other. The more confident that you are, the less insecure you will seem.

To convince your ex that you are not insecure, you will need to start by working on your confidence!

I know what you are thinking… that is great and all but you want specifics. So I’m going to give you a step by step outline on how to do this.

Ways To Be More Confident

I want you to imagine something for a minute.

I want you to imagine a small, dark, cloud. Now, I want you to imagine that the cloud is moving towards you. I want you to imagine that as the cloud is moving towards you that it is getting bigger and darker. Now I want you to imagine that the cloud engulfs you. You can no longer see. All you can think about is the cloud. The experience is overwhelming.

Now I want you to imagine that in a split second that the cloud turns translucent so you can see again.

Imagine yourself stepping out of that cloud.

Once you are out of the cloud, you are simply going to exhale and blow it away.

Off, it goes. As it is floating away from you, it begins to get smaller, and smaller, and smaller until if eventually disappears.

This cloud is kind of like your insecurities.

The feeling of being insecure is something that you can let in and it’ll make things worse. If you really let it get out of hand, it can engulf you altogether so that you can’t think straight.

The good news is that you also have the power to get rid of the cloud. You can overcome and get over insecurity.

Free On Demand Coaching
Yes, please

Specific Things You Can Do To Feel and Be More Confident

As we talked about towards the top of this article, one of the biggest ways to appear less insecure is to be more confident.

So, I’ve compiled a list of some small things you can do to feel and be more confident:

  • Do something or multiple things that you’ve always wanted to do
  • Have your own interest separate from your ex
  • Meet new friends
  • Be independent financially
  • Find things you enjoy doing on your own
  • Seek the advice of a therapist if needed
  • Find ways to trust yourself
  • When feeling insecure, question your insecurity and if it is actually happening or if it is in your head
  • Practice self-care
  • Practice positive self-talk
  • Give yourself a makeover
  • Be kind to others
  • When feeling insecure, take deep breaths
  • Exercise
  • Make a list of things that you are confident in and keep this list growing

Now that you have a list of little things you can do each day to work on becoming more confident…

You’re welcome!

I’m going to give you a step by step guide to convincing your ex that you are no longer insecure!

Step By Step Guide To Convincing Your Ex You’re Not Insecure

I’m going to start this process off at the very beginning and assume that you have not yet completed a No Contact period or are in the process of completing your No Contact period.

What is a No Contact period? Check it out here. EBR also has a whole book on how to be as successful as possible during No Contact and you can check that out here.

1. Do a Successful No Contact

There is this quote I really like and I think it will really resonate with you.

Side note, I have no idea who said this.

Anyway, the quote is:


You can interpret this quote to mean a variety of things. However, I WANT you to interpret this quote to mean that confident people are silent and insecure people stay loud.

I want you to keep this quote in the back of your mind as you complete your No Contact period. Use this as motivation to NOT contact your ex at all and to stick to your No Contact period under all circumstances.

Reaching out during this time at all is just going to remind your ex of how you came off as insecure during the relationship. You want him to completely forget those feelings and giving him space during the No Contact period. Allowing him to do this and it will make you seem more confident in his eyes.

While you are in No Contact, use your time in No Contact to work on your self-confidence so that once your No Contact period is over you are oozing confidence.

Your ex will be attracted to your new found confidence and the fact that you have taken control of your life.

2. Show Yourself Off

During your No Contact period, I want you to really work on building up your confidence. Use a few of the methods we talked about above.

Then I want you to get comfortable with posting about your new accomplishments on social media.

For example, if you try something new that you have always wanted to do, let’s say rock climbing, I want you to post on social media that you went rock climbing and had the best time and can’t wait to do it again!

This will show your ex that you are growing as a person and becoming more confident in yourself and your abilities.

3. Have a Really Good First Text

Once you have successfully completed your No Contact period, I want you to send a really great first text message.

“Hey” is not a good first text message

“Hey, I miss you” is worse.

I want your first text message to show him that you are doing fine on your own.

If you need help coming up with a really good first text message, I would encourage you to check out this article. The Texting Bible also has really good texting ideas that you can use and adapt for your specific ex boyfriend and scenario.

For your specific scenario, I would also avoid “Memory Texts” and “Damsel in Distress Texts” as first text messages as these types of text messages could potentially backfire and reinforce, in your ex’s mind, that you are still insecure.

You can use these kinds of texts later, but only after you have convinced your ex that you are a confident, UG, rockstar!

3. Text Him With Confidence

While you are building rapport and moving along through the texting phase, I want you to keep the tips above in mind.

Each and every text should have a point.

No, you are still not allowed to text him “Hey.”

Each and every one of your texts should be awesome and oozing with confidence.

I also want you to keep up with doing things to build up your confidence and posting about it on social media. You can read more about that here.

Another thing to master during this phase is to be prepared to react confidently in all scenarios. Especially, those scenarios where you may have reacted insecurely before.

This is so important and this is where you are truly going to be able to start convincing your ex that you are not insecure.

For example, if you used to get upset and gnat your ex when he wouldn’t call you after work then you need to change your approach and not get upset and gnat him if he does this again.

It is important during this phase to SHOW him that you have changed.

Take a look at the below screenshots:

Screenshot 1 is how an insecure person would react in the above example.

Screenshot 2 and 3 shows two options of how a secure person would react.

Do you see the difference. You need to try to be Screenshot 2 or 3.

5. Ooze Confidence During Your First Meet Up

Now, if you’ve been doing a good job with the steps above, it is likely that your ex is going to want to meet up with you to be around the all-new-confident-you!

When you do get this meet up, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

  • Do not be too available – when arranging the meet up, do not be available at any time or at every time that he offers. Remember, you are now confident and UG and you have your own life and activities. These should have you way too busy to accept a last minute invite or to be overly available for whenever he is. Don’t be afraid to turn him down if you are not available. Don’t you dare cancel your plans to meet up with him at the last minute!!! And you definitely don’t owe him a blow-by-blow account of your schedule.
  • Look really good – look super hot! You want him to literally think that you are a new person! Don’t overdo it to the point where you don’t feel confident in yourself or like yourself, but make him eat his heart out. And don’t look like you are trying “too hard.” Think beautiful and effortless.
  • Stay Calm – it is very likely that you are going to have a lot of nerves surrounding your first meet up. This is normal. However, don’t let these nerves get the best of you. Whether the meet up goes really awesome or really bad the EBR team has your back. Either way, it is not the end of the world. So don’t psych yourself out.
  • Don’t be afraid to brag a little; but don’t brag too much – don’t be shy about talking about all the things that you’ve accomplished during your No Contact period however, don’t go overboard. Otherwise, you run the risk of this coming off as fake or braggy, and you don’t want that!
  • Don’t ask him he wants to get back together – I can probably think of 30 different reasons why this is not a good idea for a first meet up. However, under no circumstances do I want you to ask him to get back together.
  • You got this!

The Big Picture

If I want you to get anything out of this article it is that being confident is attractive and being insecure is not… AND that confidence is within your grasp.

Work on things that will build up your confidence because the more confident that you are, the less insecure you will be.

If your ex called you insecure or thinks that you are insecure, you will need to reverse this image in his head and the easiest way to do that is to show him that you are confident.

There is one other situation dealing with insecurity that you might be faced with… an insecure ex. If that is closer to your situation, then you can watch a video Chris made just for that situation here.


Now, that you are equipped to become more confident and to show your ex that new version of yourself, you’re ready to consider getting him back.

However, every situation is different. And we here at EBR are prepared to go the extra mile for you. In the comments below tell me a little bit about your breakup and what your ex said o you. Then, follow that up with what you PLAN on doing to build confidence. Our experts will help you decide what it is your best next step.