By Sarah Drees

So many women come to our Facebook page and say,

“My ex said I was insecure.”

or

“My insecurity killed my relationship.”

Before we delve into what it means to be insecure, which is the whole reason you arrived on this article, right? I want to take a few minutes to talk about what it means to be attractive. Don’t worry, I know where I’m going with this and by the end of this article, I’ll bundle everything together nicely for you so it makes perfect sense. Today you learn how to tell if you are actually insecure and how to become less insecure.

Okay, let’s get started.

What is Attractive?

Generally speaking, something that is attractive is something that is “pleasing or appealing to the senses.” I got really creative and googled it for your guys. That is literally what it said.

So what specifically what` do guys find attractive?

Guys find a lot of things about women attractive.

We all know this right, though?

Guys like:

  • The way girl’s look
  • The way girl’s smell
  • The way girl’s laugh at their dumb jokes
  • All kinds of things. You get my point.

However, do you know what guys find more attractive than any of the above? If you said “confidence,” then you would be right! Guys find it really attractive, like REALLY attractive when a girl is super confident.

If you want to read more about how and why confidence is attractive and other things that men find attractive, we wrote several articles about what it means to be an “Ungettable” Girl here.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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What Is Not Attractive?

Let’s play a really quick game. Next time you are on a computer, type out the word “confidence” and look up what it means to be the opposite of confident. Really, do it!

Okay, you don’t have to do it – I did it for you. Before I show you the results, I want to take a detour… yes, another one.

This time, I want you to think back to middle-school English class when we all learned what it means for something to be a “synonym” versus and “antonym.”

If you need a refresher, a “synonym” is a word that means that same thing as the word you are looking up. So, using the example of “confident,” a synonym would be “secure.” They kind of mean the same thing and are interchangeable. Got it?

A “antonym” on the other hand is a word that means the opposite of the word you are looking up. Well, guess what the opposite of “confident” is?

It is INSECURE!

Don’t believe me. Below is the screenshot to prove it.

What can we learn from this?

Well, if being confident is attractive then, it would be safe to assume that being insecure is unattractive.

See, my detours always have a point.

What It Means To Be Insecure

We already know that being insecure is the opposite of being confident and is unattractive to guys. However, I want to dig a little further and talk about what it means to feel insecure and later we can talk about what you can do to feel more secure or confident.

While there is some truth to faking it until you make it, I want you to truly feel secure with yourself, not just to get an ex back, but for you.

Let’s be real, we ALL have things that we are insecure about. Generally speaking, a feeling of insecurity is an internal feeling of not feeling good enough in some way. Like you are lacking a certain something or a specific quality. To make this come full circle, feeling insecure is feeling “not confident” in one way or another.

Take me for example, for the longest time I was insecure about my height. You see, I’m only 5’0″.

5’0″ is also probably a slight exaggeration of my height too, but so not the point. I am always the shortest one in my group of friends, I can easily fit into large children’s clothing, and as for reaching for stuff on the top shelves… just forget it!

But here is the thing, I used to be really insecure about this.

Now, it is one of my favorite things about myself. I learned to shift my biggest insecurity into something I am proud of and something that I think truly sets me apart from others!

You can do the same!

Why Being Insecure is Not Attractive

Feeling insecure in your relationship sucks!!!

If that was you in your relationship, I feel you.

Insecurities of this kind can show up in some of the worst ways such as:

  • Being overly emotional
  • Constantly feeling “not good enough”
  • Feeling jealous or constantly worrying that your significant other will cheat
  • Always wanting more of a commitment

Insecurities, such as the ones above, can prevent you from enjoying your relationship or a particular moment. Worse, they can begin to chip away at what is otherwise a great relationship.

Signs of Being Insecure

Perhaps you are still unsure if you are coming off insecure or if any of your actions may have effected your relationship.

Fear not! I’ve created the below Insecure Reality Check(list) which covers common behaviors that are often associated with people that are insecure.f

I want you to read through the below list and count up how many of these statements you would agree are true or that you would agree describe you. No cheating!!! I mean it! This is how you tell if you are insecure.

Insecure Reality Check(list)

  • You feel the constant need to or you constantly do go through your significant other’s phone
  • You do not want to do any social activities without your significant other
  • You do not want your significant other to do any social activities without you
  • You often worry about your significant other’s previous partners
  • You want to know the passwords to your significant other’s accounts
  • You often cry when you and your significant other get into a confrontation
  • You often fear losing your significant other
  • You often fear that your significant other may find someone better
  • You want to know where your significant other is at all times
  • You fear your significant other interacting with anyone else datable
  • You text, call, email, etc. your significant other constantly with little or no replies
  • You often question whether your significant other is lying to you
  • You want to feel constantly reassured about your relationship
  • You guilt trip your partner when they do not call you or do not quickly return your calls or texts
  • You apologize as a means to avoid conflict or for small things
  • You’re overly critical or over analyze things you say or do on a regular basis

If you answered that three or more of the above statements were true, then it is possible that you are coming off as insecure. If you answered that six or more of the above statements were true then you are probably, almost definitely, coming off as insecure.

It is possible that your ex picked up on this and may have found this unattractive.

Don’t worry though, we are going to talk about a way to begin the process of reversing this so you can start to inadvertently convince your ex that you are not insecure.

I’m also going to provide you with a step by step plan to start the process of feeling more confident and going as far as to convince your ex that you ARE confident.

My Ex Told Me I’m Insecure

So the worst case scenario happened and your ex told you that you are insecure.

Ouch!

That had to have stung a bit.

Now, I’m going to have to give you some tough love for a minute because there are two main scenarios where an ex will call you insecure:

  • Scenario 1 – You were not insecure and he told you this in the heat of the moment
  • Scenario 2 – You were being insecure

Scenario 1

First of all if you think you fall into Scenario 1, I want you to double, triple, quadruple check that you are being totally honest with yourself. I would say that only about 5% of the people reading this article will fall into this category. It is far more likely that you actually fall into Scenario 2, or did something that caused your ex to think that you fall into Scenario 2.

Hey, no judging here. If you fall into Scenario 2, I’m glad you found this article!

If you actually fall into Scenario 1, you should move on from this comment that your ex made during this heated moment and do not let it get to you. A confident, Ungettable Girl, or UG, would not be bothered by this as she KNOWS that this is not true.

Your actions of not letting this bother you will speak more loudly than any efforts you may want to make to try to convince your ex that you are not insecure. Remember, actions speak louder than words so don’t tell your ex that you are not insecure, just simply show him by not reacting and going about your life.

Keep on with your confident UG-ness and proceed with the other EBR materials to get your ex back!

Scenario 2

So, you fall into Scenario 2.

Hey, again, no judging here.

If you fall into Scenario 2, you will need to take action to change the way that your ex perceives you. I’m not going to lie, some of the things in the list above may make this process a bit more challenging.

Let’s get started…

How Can I Convince My Ex I’m Not Insecure?

So, your ex told you that you were insecure and you may have actually been insecure and now you want to show him or prove to him that you are not insecure or that you are no longer insecure.

Remember at the beginning of this article and when we talked about what men find really attractive? You don’t remember? How did you already forget? No problem, here is a reminder:

Men find confidence to be really attractive.

You can use this knowledge to your advantage. Remember, being confident and insecure are opposites. The more you are of one, the less you will be of the other. The more confident that you are, the less insecure you will seem.

To convince your ex that you are not insecure, you will need to start by working on your confidence!

I know what you are thinking… that is great and all but you want specifics. So I’m going to give you a step by step outline on how to do this.

Ways To Be More Confident

I want you to imagine something for a minute.

I want you to imagine a small, dark, cloud. Now, I want you to imagine that the cloud is moving towards you. I want you to imagine that as the cloud is moving towards you that it is getting bigger and darker. Now I want you to imagine that the cloud engulfs you. You can no longer see. All you can think about is the cloud. The experience is overwhelming.

Now I want you to imagine that in a split second that the cloud turns translucent so you can see again.

Imagine yourself stepping out of that cloud.

Once you are out of the cloud, you are simply going to exhale and blow it away.

Off, it goes. As it is floating away from you, it begins to get smaller, and smaller, and smaller until if eventually disappears.

This cloud is kind of like your insecurities.

The feeling of being insecure is something that you can let in and it’ll make things worse. If you really let it get out of hand, it can engulf you altogether so that you can’t think straight.

The good news is that you also have the power to get rid of the cloud. You can overcome and get over insecurity.

 

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Specific Things You Can Do To Feel and Be More Confident

As we talked about towards the top of this article, one of the biggest ways to appear less insecure is to be more confident.

So, I’ve compiled a list of some small things you can do to feel and be more confident:

  • Do something or multiple things that you’ve always wanted to do
  • Have your own interest separate from your ex
  • Meet new friends
  • Be independent financially
  • Find things you enjoy doing on your own
  • Seek the advice of a therapist if needed
  • Find ways to trust yourself
  • When feeling insecure, question your insecurity and if it is actually happening or if it is in your head
  • Practice self-care
  • Practice positive self-talk
  • Give yourself a makeover
  • Be kind to others
  • When feeling insecure, take deep breaths
  • Exercise
  • Make a list of things that you are confident in and keep this list growing

Now that you have a list of little things you can do each day to work on becoming more confident…

You’re welcome!

I’m going to give you a step by step guide to convincing your ex that you are no longer insecure!

Step By Step Guide To Convincing Your Ex You’re Not Insecure

I’m going to start this process off at the very beginning and assume that you have not yet completed a No Contact period or are in the process of completing your No Contact period.

What is a No Contact period? Check it out here. EBR also has a whole book on how to be as successful as possible during No Contact and you can check that out here.

1. Do a Successful No Contact

There is this quote I really like and I think it will really resonate with you.

Side note, I have no idea who said this.

Anyway, the quote is:

“CONFIDENCE IS SILENT. INSECURITIES ARE LOUD.”

You can interpret this quote to mean a variety of things. However, I WANT you to interpret this quote to mean that confident people are silent and insecure people stay loud.

I want you to keep this quote in the back of your mind as you complete your No Contact period. Use this as motivation to NOT contact your ex at all and to stick to your No Contact period under all circumstances.

Reaching out during this time at all is just going to remind your ex of how you came off as insecure during the relationship. You want him to completely forget those feelings and giving him space during the No Contact period. Allowing him to do this and it will make you seem more confident in his eyes.

While you are in No Contact, use your time in No Contact to work on your self-confidence so that once your No Contact period is over you are oozing confidence.

Your ex will be attracted to your new found confidence and the fact that you have taken control of your life.

2. Show Yourself Off

During your No Contact period, I want you to really work on building up your confidence. Use a few of the methods we talked about above.

Then I want you to get comfortable with posting about your new accomplishments on social media.

For example, if you try something new that you have always wanted to do, let’s say rock climbing, I want you to post on social media that you went rock climbing and had the best time and can’t wait to do it again!

This will show your ex that you are growing as a person and becoming more confident in yourself and your abilities.

3. Have a Really Good First Text

Once you have successfully completed your No Contact period, I want you to send a really great first text message.

“Hey” is not a good first text message

“Hey, I miss you” is worse.

I want your first text message to show him that you are doing fine on your own.

If you need help coming up with a really good first text message, I would encourage you to check out this article. The Texting Bible also has really good texting ideas that you can use and adapt for your specific ex boyfriend and scenario.

For your specific scenario, I would also avoid “Memory Texts” and “Damsel in Distress Texts” as first text messages as these types of text messages could potentially backfire and reinforce, in your ex’s mind, that you are still insecure.

You can use these kinds of texts later, but only after you have convinced your ex that you are a confident, UG, rockstar!

3. Text Him With Confidence

While you are building rapport and moving along through the texting phase, I want you to keep the tips above in mind.

Each and every text should have a point.

No, you are still not allowed to text him “Hey.”

Each and every one of your texts should be awesome and oozing with confidence.

I also want you to keep up with doing things to build up your confidence and posting about it on social media. You can read more about that here.

Another thing to master during this phase is to be prepared to react confidently in all scenarios. Especially, those scenarios where you may have reacted insecurely before.

This is so important and this is where you are truly going to be able to start convincing your ex that you are not insecure.

For example, if you used to get upset and gnat your ex when he wouldn’t call you after work then you need to change your approach and not get upset and gnat him if he does this again.

It is important during this phase to SHOW him that you have changed.

Take a look at the below screenshots:

Screenshot 1 is how an insecure person would react in the above example.

Screenshot 2 and 3 shows two options of how a secure person would react.

Do you see the difference. You need to try to be Screenshot 2 or 3.

5. Ooze Confidence During Your First Meet Up

Now, if you’ve been doing a good job with the steps above, it is likely that your ex is going to want to meet up with you to be around the all-new-confident-you!

When you do get this meet up, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

  • Do not be too available – when arranging the meet up, do not be available at any time or at every time that he offers. Remember, you are now confident and UG and you have your own life and activities. These should have you way too busy to accept a last minute invite or to be overly available for whenever he is. Don’t be afraid to turn him down if you are not available. Don’t you dare cancel your plans to meet up with him at the last minute!!! And you definitely don’t owe him a blow-by-blow account of your schedule.
  • Look really good – look super hot! You want him to literally think that you are a new person! Don’t overdo it to the point where you don’t feel confident in yourself or like yourself, but make him eat his heart out. And don’t look like you are trying “too hard.” Think beautiful and effortless.
  • Stay Calm – it is very likely that you are going to have a lot of nerves surrounding your first meet up. This is normal. However, don’t let these nerves get the best of you. Whether the meet up goes really awesome or really bad the EBR team has your back. Either way, it is not the end of the world. So don’t psych yourself out.
  • Don’t be afraid to brag a little; but don’t brag too much – don’t be shy about talking about all the things that you’ve accomplished during your No Contact period however, don’t go overboard. Otherwise, you run the risk of this coming off as fake or braggy, and you don’t want that!
  • Don’t ask him he wants to get back together – I can probably think of 30 different reasons why this is not a good idea for a first meet up. However, under no circumstances do I want you to ask him to get back together.
  • You got this!

The Big Picture

If I want you to get anything out of this article it is that being confident is attractive and being insecure is not… AND that confidence is within your grasp.

Work on things that will build up your confidence because the more confident that you are, the less insecure you will be.

If your ex called you insecure or thinks that you are insecure, you will need to reverse this image in his head and the easiest way to do that is to show him that you are confident.

There is one other situation dealing with insecurity that you might be faced with… an insecure ex. If that is closer to your situation, then you can watch a video Chris made just for that situation here.

 

Now, that you are equipped to become more confident and to show your ex that new version of yourself, you’re ready to consider getting him back.

However, every situation is different. And we here at EBR are prepared to go the extra mile for you. In the comments below tell me a little bit about your breakup and what your ex said o you. Then, follow that up with what you PLAN on doing to build confidence. Our experts will help you decide what it is your best next step.

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37 thoughts on “My Relationship Ended Due To Insecurity”

  1. Avatar

    Ruth

    April 27, 2020 at 8:23 am

    Hi there. So I am 20 and my boyfriend is 26. He is working and all. He travels in and out of the country for work quite often. So far its been 6 months since we’ve been dating. Having been in a relationship before where I got cheated on I got so insecure that my boyfriend asked for space.I would check his phone and am sure he did notice that I didn’t trust him. I would text too much and get few replies, until the dreaded words “i need space”.. After asking for space he would reply to my status and all but I had said nothing for two weeks since the break. I felt angry because he had sent me another girl’s photo that I didn’t know telling me she’s pretty and that “he didn’t have to prove that”, I told him I felt disrespected and he apologized and thought it was best that I said nothing afterwards. So I replied yesterday when he texted again and we had a conversation. A friendly conversation, on how I have been, didn’t ask about him. Being a small body I decided to try out a squats challenge which I told him about and this made him eager to see me. And even wanted to call but I declined. His closest brother once told me that he was thinking of breaking up since I get very insecure when he’s away. The brother is still very friendly to me and he even calls. We can talk for about 30mins to an hour on a call.
    But then I said that I missed him and he went like “I miss you too girl, how’s everything!? ”
    So should I start the no contact again or let it flow. And what are my chances of getting this on path. What would you advice on this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 2, 2020 at 1:51 pm

      Hi Ruth, so I would say that your first hurdle is overcoming your insecurities and work on that for yourself for some time, what is the longest period you have spent not speaking with your ex? You ideally would need to do 30 days NC

  2. Avatar

    Patsy

    April 6, 2020 at 12:55 pm

    Hi my breakup was because I felt that he was seeing someone Elsa but at the end he wasn’t and he said it was because I was insecure and jealous all the time . He was tried if it . But I was that way because he stop loving me and texting or me too . I miss him and do live him .

  3. Avatar

    Betty

    February 15, 2020 at 11:12 pm

    Hello, although I found this article to be insightful, my relationship with my ex is completely over. We met through an app last year after I had been cheated on. I realize that I did not give myself time to heal, but I loved the attention I was getting and the fact that a very good looking man found me attractive and interesting. Moving forward, I was constantly accusing him of chatting with other women through WhatsApp because he wouldn’t call or text as much as he did at the beginning. He also stopped being intimate with me every time I would come visit him (long distance relationship). Towards the end, he asked for a 30 day break that turned into 6 weeks. When I flew out to visit him, he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Two weeks later he told me that he had started dating a coworker and that they are getting serious.

    I’m devastated and hurt by this breakup, but mostly upset with myself because I haven’t tried to really work on myself and insecurities. I know that I don’t have to feel this way and put myself through so much pain, but I just can’t seem to let go and move forward with dignity and self love/respect for myself. Please help me as I’m feeling alone and sometimes feel as if I want to give up on life overall. Please help me! 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2020 at 9:33 am

      Hi Betty, it is hard going through a break up and your feelings are more than valid! But as you are feeling so low you need to go seek out a local therapist to help you work through those emotions delicately! That is the most important thing right now is that you look after yourself

  4. Avatar

    Rita

    January 19, 2020 at 6:09 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago because of my insecurities. Reading this article helped me understand how so insecure I was. I was with him few weeks back and found a message on his phone telling a girl he has been with before that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and would like to be with her and I also noticed he chats with his ex and then deletes it immediately. Though he apologized about it I noticed he still talks to same girl and that just made me overly insecure and always wanting reassurance from him that he wouldn’t cheat on me. Whenever I don’t hear from him for a long time I immediately have thoughts in my head that he is up to something shady and that causes issues between us every time. He eventually got tired and broke up

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 1:56 pm

      Hey Rita so this thought process you have that he is up to something because you have not heard from him, shows that you need to work on you, your trust, your self esteem, your confidence. Working through this you are going to help yourself in all relationships with lovers or friends. It is not a nice feeling to have such a low level of self worth so make sure you do everything you can to speak positively to yourself and learn your self worth.

  5. Avatar

    Sarah

    December 24, 2019 at 7:33 am

    We work together we been talking for 3 weeks and we went out on date/kissed / he came over my place many times. I had lot of insecurities I admit, he was everything I wanted in a man n we had so much in common but I was paranoid our other co workers will get in his head espically the one that secretly still in love with me after I reject him and the females that out to get me due to jealousy. We started arguing lot and he was in hot and cold he was just confusing me at the end he said it was over n he realize I’m not his type n i smuther him and u suck at playing the game and he met someone. I said ok and I didn’t contact him. 2 days later some of my do workers were talking about some post on his fb. That post was our conversation. N I found out he is socially talking to those 2 females and added them on fb. That’s just not him and when my co worker confront him he claims he heard I have done that with plenty guys that worked there even though he was the only guy I dated at work. I just feel like maybe my insecurities got the best of me but was that a reason to hate me this much. I am using the NC even though we work together I will entertain the breakup rumors and all that. But I truly do like him and I’m hurt by his actions and maybe it’s dumb of me to even hope for him back that he can see the truth and regret all this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Sarah so to be honest it sounds more like high school behavior than it does a workplace! Be the adult, and keep to your No Contact and allow them to talk amongst themselves, if you want this guy back then you may find that it is going to be hard if your co workers are getting in his head and turning the situation into something it isnt

  6. Avatar

    Crystal Davis

    July 27, 2019 at 6:30 am

    My ex broke up with me because I was jealous all the time and threw his past in his face. It’s been 3 days, we live together and have kids together. Right now we barely talk but when we do it’s pleasant. The first day was awful. I begged and such but none after that. He says he doesn’t want to work it out or do anything til he gets past the hurt. How do I know if I have a chance to have him back?

  7. Avatar

    Emilo

    July 26, 2019 at 1:32 am

    Hi my boyfriend and I were been in a relationship for 5 years we had a distance relationship but he break up with me Becoz I was stalking at him, the main reason of our break up is he wants me to stay strong and I agreed with his decision but what I found out was he use to hang out with his female friend every evening rite after his work that makes me more and more insecure and when I ask what’s going on between them he told me they are just friends. I still stalk at him and he still hanging out with that girl. Which one do I believe are they just friends or more then friends? Here m trying my best to stay strong but if he keep going out with that girl then how can I make myself strong I really love him soo much but I feel like he is cheating on me

  8. Avatar

    Mary Bea

    April 13, 2019 at 11:45 pm

    Hi. I’ve read your article and I discovered I’m insecure. However. I didn’t used to be. My husband made me feel this way by constantly putting himself in situations where trust was broken. Again and again. We’ve been to therapy twice. And he seems to think it’s a waste of $. I’ve been in this relationship for 19 years, 17 married…and have 2 kids. I’m stupidly still fighting to keep my marriage for my kids sake and to be honest. I just love the guy and can’t imagine my life without him. He makes little to no effort to build trust and annihilate these insecurities… Instead. He can’t stand it! Doesn’t want to talk about it. And worse, wants to “get away” from me when they make an appearance. Im a confident person in every aspect except my relationship. No one I know would believe how Insecure I actually am…. Other than terminating my relationship… What can I do? Building confidence in myself doesn’t eliminate my lack of trust in him. Yet they play hand in hand. A vicious cycle.

  9. Avatar

    Ivy

    January 30, 2019 at 10:21 pm

    I just broke up with my boyfriend two days ago and it was a very rough decision to make. We have been dating for 6 months. He is absolutely amazing but he deals with a lot of insecurities. We are similar in a lot of ways however our differences are things like, I am very social and hes more introverted. I don’t mind that at all however he would get so stuck in his head with thoughts that since he wasn’t like that, I would eventually get bored with him. I stopped going out as much as I use to more because I now found someone I rather hang out with then going to bars and I am also a bit of a homebody since I live alone so I never minded just chilling. He would have a hard time communicating with me and he would get stuck in his head. He would either completely shut down around me for a bit or he would get mad at me for something like not wanting to have sex one night but realistically it had nothing to do with that at all which I’d find out after a big fight. I use to be very insecure myself and I felt that if I could be patience and constantly reassure him that I wasn’t going anywhere and how much I appreciate him and love him, it would get better but I started realizing I was adjusting my behaviors to avoid his insecurities and hurting his feelings which in return was causing my insecurities to creep back. I struggled for days with the thought of breaking up with him because I knew I didn’t actually want him out of my life but I felt there was no other solution. I felt that me staying with him during this time was only making things worse. Like instead of him figuring out himself, he was so busy trying to figure me out and comparing us. He was never able to just be in the moment and that was very hard at times. What made me make the decision was a few nights before I broke up with him, I was in a very bad funk because I was having issues at my job. He came over and I communicated that with him so he could understand my mood a bit. I also started off with reassuring him that the way i was currently feeling had nothing to do with him or us because we were good. But instead of being emotionally supportive and helping me get my mind off of things, he got so in his head thinking he is making my life worse that he barely spoke to me the rest of the night because he didn’t know how to communicate what was going on in his head other than the same thing he has been struggling with for the past six months. I struggle with not knowing if i made the right decision since he is someone i could totally see myself with for the long run but I am not sure if insecurities are really something that can be changed while in a relationship. I guess I am just looking for some advice on if i made the right decision to give him time to sort through these things. I never want to change him because i think he is incredible, I just wish he loved himself and accepted the things he didn’t. I was a lot happier when I finally realized that, and it hurts me seeing him in this kind of pain. Your mind can be your worst enemy.

  10. Avatar

    joanina

    September 3, 2018 at 9:46 am

    Hi Chris.

    My ex and I broke up 2 months ago because of my toxic behaviors, mainly because I was insecure. We were living together and my mistake was to beg and plead him back. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t give him the space although sometimes he was being hot and cold to me. He said he didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship right now. 2 weeks after the break up, he went on a trip with his family. Before he left for the trip, he told me he loved me and gave me a peck on the lips. He spent 3 weeks away and when he came back, he told me that he’d rather stay as friends now. A few days later I found out that he has met someone during the trip, and he’s talking to her everyday. He goes out all dressed up and says he’s meeting his friend and dad for dinner but he rarely dressed up when he meets them. He even stayed the night out once, said he spent the night at his dads. There are other signs that he is seeing the other girl instead. But during the time he was away on the trip, I really worked on myself and I am also seeing a therapist now. My question is – is there still a chance with him? Should I apply the “being there” method or no contact rule? I’m afraid that by stepping out of the picture he will connect with this new girl even more.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 3, 2018 at 8:10 pm

      Hi Joannina!

      Look Joanina….I am quite sure your behavior in the relationship wasn’t the only one that could stand improvement. It always takes two to tango, so don’t let your ex put all the blame on you and you should not plead for him to take you back.

      I do think you should employ no contact. No matter what you do, you can’t control what he choose to do or not do with this other girl. If it makes you feel better, just can give him a heads up you are taking some time for yourself

  11. Avatar

    Charlotte Morgan-Williams

    August 28, 2018 at 7:44 am

    Hello
    My ex broke up with me and just said he lost feelings but his mum said to me “this is to do with a lot of your inscurites ”
    We have a 3 year old boy together and I really do want him back but I recognize where it went wrong.
    I never let him breath I was always upset and I hated myself. Can I do the nc when we have a child?
    I’ve booked a flight abroad for 2 weeks to clear my head just me and my son but I really want him back but I need to get back to being hapoy myself and doing things for myself again.
    Do you think there’s any luck?
    He said hes lost feelings and it will never change but he says he still loves me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 28, 2018 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Charlotte!

      I know its frustrating to hear from your guy that they “lost feelings”. I want you to stop hating yourself and your are right, its time for you to focus on “you” and healing and doing things that are fulfilling for you.. You are special and are everything to your 3 year old.

      I do think you can do NC, but with the child it will be a limited form of NC, make those reasonable exceptions that pertain to communication about him and visits.
      If you have not already done so, you should take a look at my program and the resources I offer that can help you in so many ways, both personally and with your quest to get your ex back.

  12. Avatar

    Aria

    August 13, 2018 at 1:22 pm

    Hi! I was with my ex boyfriend for just under 2 years and my insecurity was an ongoing problem in our relationship. It’s weird though because it started off him being insecure, he’d always repetitively call if I didn’t answer straight away, always want to know exactly what I was doing, wouldn’t want me having boys on social media etc. then it all just changed. His attitude started rubbing off on me after a few lies he told me. I was always worried, thinking he’d lie again although after the few lies he was 100% loyal to me. I’d always want to text him and be around him. I’d get upset when he chose seeing his friends over me. I’d always question what he was doing. All these things I did ended up making him angry, he would argue with me all the time and tell me I’m always ruining his nights.. We had a big talk, both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and our own problems and haven’t spoken in just over a week now. It’s extremely hard sticking to the “no contact” rule, I really did see this boy as my soulmate. I want to prove that I’m not that crazy, jealous person I turned into.. but my friends don’t think he’s worth going back to as I stood by him in his insecure stage and he lied to me about things I’d never even consider doing to him. Life’s just a bit of a struggle at the moment ‍♀️

  13. Avatar

    Fiona

    February 2, 2018 at 10:30 am

    My ex broke up with me via txt, than blocked me on all social media and txt my family that I am sick and need support. He messaged me a few days later and we met up. He told me he was walking away, still loved me, never been in question, sex amazing but I need to heal from my previous domestic abuse partner. When I got home I called him crying and he said his phone is always open. We have been together for 2 years and we’re weeks away from moving in with each other. I have started the no contact rule. He always saw me as insecure and yes after reading this article I was. Is there any hope. It’s been 3 weeks since the txt, 1 week since he told me to my face and we haven’t had any contact.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2018 at 12:23 pm

      HI Fiona,

      There is if you genuinely changed and if you do the change for yourself and not for him.

  14. Avatar

    Sam

    January 12, 2018 at 2:22 pm

    So hi guys. I was with my boyfriend for a little less than a year. Our relationship started off a bit dramatic because he left his ex for me. At that time I was oozing with confidence and he was extremely attached to me. We got together pretty quickly after their breakup and things went well for a while. However, his ex called all the time and I became pretty demanding that he cut her off etc. But he’s a pretty soft guy and didn’t want to hurt her too much because they were together for four years. In any case as our relationship went on we fought a lot and things became less romanic. We were codependent as well and neither of our lives were getting better. His family also didn’t support our relationship because of how it started and I’m also not the best fit. I’m very ‘crazy’ and they are well respected people. Things got so bad that he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. I think he associates me with not getting anywhere in life and always struggling and not having his freedom and simply not being happy. He eventually cheated on me with his friend and told me he’s moving on with her. The reason why that kills me is because I knew we could have worked things out and built a great life together, from my perspective. I guess his is different. I’ve tried the no contact rule 5 times and failed every time. Every time I did try it, he would want to fix things but I messed it up pretty badly by not having control and pressuring him to end things and to get things sorted right now and called and showed up by his house unannounced. It was pretty dramatic. He’s solidified in his decision now to move on to the new girl. It really seems like there’s no hope now. I’ve done a lot. I want someone to tell me if there really isn’t hope for us anymore. I’ve read so many of your articles and I finally have the courage to reach out for some help. Because of the intensity of our breakup and the fact that this new girl is very important to him I’m thinking maybe 45 days of no contact will be best? He said he doesn’t want me coming to his house because he doesn’t want it to look like hes playing with anyone. He made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore. Is there anything I can do to change that. I want another shot because while yes there are trust issues because of the cheating I do believe in him and his purpose and the genuinity of his love. He was definitely the love of my life. Wasn’t I his? I was for a moment. I want y’all to understand that my assessment is that there is very very very little hope for us now. Can that change? I’ve made a list of the reasons we broke up, I don’t know if that will help you advise me further. Here goes; co dependence, no space, lack of trust, bad habits such as smoking, no individual growth, no external support, lack of romance, doubt of self and doubt of the relationship. In the good list, there’s compatiblity, understanding, lack of judgement, open communication, love, friendship, trust in each others love, dependability, enjoyment. I want this guy back. I want us to work. I am in love with him. Help me. Please.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 14, 2018 at 10:33 pm

      Hi Sam,

      You can still try the nc rule for the last time but stick to it and make it 45 days..

  15. Avatar

    Crisly

    December 31, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    Hi I broke up with my boyfriend after been living and working together for 10 months.During our relationship I was insecure and try to breakup with him many times.We had talked and he said he was tired of me trying to breakup with him. He said if there was a next time that will be the last. He was dealing with some problems at work. He stopped giving me the attention I wanted and would get mad when he will go out with his friends. I broke up with him again without thinking straight. This was on July 30th. Two weeks after my grandmother died.We were still sleeping in the same bed but without having any contact. Then I begged him to get back with me one week later and he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Then another week later was his birthday. I bought him a gift. And he invited me to go out with him and his friends so I did. I was keeping my distance since he had already rejected me. He accidentally call me babe at the theater out of custome.There was a night I wake up from a night mare I try hugging him from behind but he pushed me away because he thought i was asleep.After that happened I told him it was best if we sleep separate. Since his friend was our landlord he try to raise my rent so I move out on october. Since my ex didn’t have a car to go to work. I offer him to be his ride. So we did until he got himself another job closer to where he lives. This was in November. The last day we drive together I dropped him off to his house and he hugged me tight like he didn’t want to let go until I pull away b/c I didn’t want him to know I still had feelings for him. Then we kept texting b/c I was helping him get his car. The day he got his car I was texting him I was proud of him and he told me he pushed me away because he wanted me to do better. Then i told him how I had felt something the day we hugged and but he did not reply and i was heartbroken again. on my last text I wished him luck on his new job and when on the 30 day no contact rule.
    Before the NC it had been passed 3 months since we had broke up. But had never been with NC because we will see eachother at home and at work. So we were finally going to be without contact or see eachother . The NC ended December 18. That is when I did my first attemp to reach him by texting about a tv show he likes. I got a positive reply from him. Then didn’t say anything for 2 days and start a new conversation and finish it in a rush. On December 22 my cousin came from north carolina so that day I saw my ex b/c he is friend with my cousin. This was the first day we saw again with no contact at all for 30 days. Another cousin and i went to meet my North carolina cousin when he was eating with my ex and two other friends of my ex so we didn’t know we will see eachother. I was looking my best.We all decided to go see a movie together and when we got the tickets there were only seats for 3 and 3 on the other side. My cousin give us the tickets randomly even thought we had say all the cousin will seat together and my ex will seat with his other 2 friends. But for some reason everyone started asking what ticket numbers we got. I have the ticket next to my NC cousin and my ex exchange my cousin’s seat to seat next to me. But my other cousin make him feel bad and he left and switch his seat again. Then for the 24th I saw him again. My North carolina cousin invited me to go spend it with him and his friends at my previous house were my ex still lives. I wore a sexy dress as I knew I will see him and wanted to show off how I had lost weight. That day he came to me and give me one box of marvel toys that I remembered he have gotten for his brother long ago. I text him i couldnt accept it. He said he had gotten it for me all along. When everyone was gone went looking for him to the backyard. where he was alone.I was drunk so I sounded like I was trying to pick a fight with him about the gift. I text him the next day to apologize.Told him i got nervous and that I didn’t mean to sound like i was trying to pick a fight. I told him thank you for the gift and that i will take good care of it. And he reply its alright. On the 25th I was trying to see him again so I texted him to arrange a goodbye for my cousin since he was going back to north carolina but he said he was with his family. I send him a gift through the mail. One of his favorite collection toys and he texted me to say thank you with a big happy face. This was on the 28th. I haven’t text him since then and he hasn’t text me either. I don’t know what to do next… help.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 11:15 pm

      HI Crisly,

      Take it slow.. go back to being more active in your activities.

  16. Avatar

    CDB

    December 31, 2017 at 3:36 pm

    Hello!

    I am currently almost to week 1 of NC, preparing and doing my research of what to do after NC is over. I have blocked my ex from all social media accounts for my own sanity. My question is, how do I share my new found confidence with my ex if he can’t see my accounts? Would I have to unblock & re-friend him after the NC?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 11:11 pm

      Hi CDB,

      unblock him but don’t send a friend request. Just make your posts public.

  17. Avatar

    Reshseth

    December 29, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    Yes i hve started no contact.. am on day 10… am doing positive changes.. am working out 2hrs daily.. hve formulated a strict skin n hair care regimen.. concentrating on my entrance exams mre.. met a few frnds nd spending mre tym with family.. am mre emotionally stable now.. am also working on my neediness and i think i kinda sorted it out.. maybe i wil reach out to him after day30?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:45 pm

  18. Avatar

    Tanya

    December 26, 2017 at 8:18 pm

    Sorry I thought the first message didn’t go through. Lol

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 1:36 am

      Hi Tanya,

      That’s ok.. Check this one:
      Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back After Years Apart

  19. Avatar

    Tanya

    December 26, 2017 at 8:17 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I was very insecure and after constantly contacting my ex he told me to leave him alone and that he didn’t want anything to do with me. I did NC and it will be a year in January.

    Should I attempt to contact him again? Or are we over for good?

  20. Avatar

    Tanya

    December 26, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Hello

    I had a lot of insecurities and as a result my boyfriend and I split up after being together 6 months after having spoken on and off for 3 years. He said to me he wasn’t ready and after much persistence and my constant contacting him, he said he wants nothing to do with me and for me to leave him alone and so I did NC and it’s been almost a year. I don’t know what to do now. Should I reach out to him?

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