In today’s post I’m going to show you exactly how to go about getting your ex back if they won’t talk to you.
In fact, if you stick around until the end you’re going to learn.
- Why is your ex refusing to talk to you?
- On average, how long will they go without talking to you?
- Is it possible to get an ex back without talking to them?
- How do you get them to talk to you again?
Let’s dive right in
Understanding Why Your Ex Is Refusing To Talk To You
There’s nothing worse than an ex who won’t talk to you when you really want them back. I mean, how do you get someone back without any conversation?
So today, we’re going to take an in-depth look at why your ex is refusing to talk to you.
There are two main reasons why an ex might refuse to talk to you:
- They are hurt from the breakup
- They want to win the breakup
They’re Very Hurt From The Breakup
Most people roll their eyes when they hear this because about 85% of our clients were broken up with, so it’s hard to fathom why an ex would be hurt if they decided to break up in the first place.
But we have found through studying both sides of the equation that regardless of who initiated the breakup and who was broken up with, both sides will experience pain, sadness, depression, anger, bouts of nausea, and other unpleasantness that comes after a breakup.
So even if your ex broke up with you, it is highly probable that they are upset.
They’re probably still holding resentment in their mind for whatever actions you took that caused them to want to break up with you.
They Want To Win The Breakup
When I was in high school, I experienced my very first breakup. I broke up with her, and after the breakup, I thought I had to win the breakup. In my mind winning the breakup meant I wasn’t going to contact her first. So I literally did not contact her for months because I was so stubborn that she would have to contact me.
She eventually did, and I of course thought I won the breakup. I didn’t.
Usually in breakups, there are no winners or losers. Now for those of you sitting there thinking, “my ex couldn’t do that to me. We were almost engaged, he loved me more than anyone else”, I would say despite how much they loved you or how great the chemistry was, we still see this stubborn concept of wanting to win the breakup.
One of the first success stories that I ever had the opportunity and pleasure of interviewing on my YouTube channel was a woman named Jessy.
Jessy basically got her ex back and is now currently married to him. When I asked her about her experience during the breakup, she noted that her ex never actually messaged her during the no contact rule.
Of course, I probed and asked if she ever found out the reason after getting back together.
She said that he was stubborn that she was going to have to be the one to reach out to him first, AKA he wanted to win the breakup.
So now we know why exes may not talk to you, let’s move on to the next question:
On Average How Long Will an Ex Go Without Talking to You?
I’ve been fascinated with this concept ever since I started ex-boyfriend recovery, specifically about how exes react to being ignored in a no contact rule. Our initial assumption was that when you ignore your ex on purpose during no contact, they will reach out to you even more to get your attention.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHowever, we saw that it doesn’t necessarily work like that in real life.
Firstly, you’re missing the whole point of no contact if you go into it thinking that the only reason is to make your ex miss you. Secondly, that doesn’t always happen, so you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
I polled our private Facebook support group of dedicated people who did coaching with me (or one of the other ex recovery coaches), or they bought our ex recovery program and asked them one simple question: “how often did your ex reach out to you during no contact?”
We found that 65% of people said that their ex did not contact them at all during no contact.
So there’s basically a 65% chance that you won’t hear from your ex during the no contact rule.
Now you might ask how long this will last?
Typically, it lasts just as long as your no contact rule.
Your ex’s ego or pain will not let him reach out to you first, so they’ll most likely wait out your no-contact period to see if you reach out first. Now there’s a 35% chance they’ll reach out during no contact, but those aren’t exactly betting odds.
Let’s say you’re done with no contact, you reach out to your ex, and they still ignore you. On average, how long will they repeat that pattern?
I think the answer to this question depends on your ex’s attachment style. We know from people who have avoidant attachment styles that they’re not going to give themselves permission to miss or even talk to an ex until they feel that that ex has completely moved on. So however long it takes you to move on from your ex, or at least put out convincing signals that you’ve moved on – that is the window of opportunity when they’re most likely to reach out.
I’d love to sit here and say there’s a 25 day period after which your ex will stop ignoring you. The truth is it’s purely dependent on your unique situation.
So this leads us to another interesting question:
Is It Possible to Be Successful in Getting an Ex Back Without Ever Talking to Them?
No.
You will not be able to get your ex back if you don’t talk to them. Our program depends on the ability for you and your ex to share empathy for one another. You both need to understand where the other person is coming from and the only way this is possible is if you’re able to actually communicate with them.
So let’s tackle the big question now:
How Do You Get Your Ex to Talk to You Again?
There are three big factors you can implement to raise your chances of having your ex talk to you again.
- The foundation of the no contact rule.
- Not going too fast too soon (value ladder)
- Not expecting too much from your first contact text message.
Let’s dive into each.
Factor #1: Implement A Foundation with The No Contact Rule
A lot of people fail at the no contact rule because they fundamentally misunderstand the purpose behind it. They think no contact is a magical rule that’s going to cause an ex to wanna reach out and talk to you, but I have proven there’s a 65% chance that is not going to happen. What you should be doing during no contact is creating a foundation so you can feel like you’re moving on from your ex.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis hits on three concepts:
- you’re have to internally feel like you’ve moved on,
- you’re have to externally project that you’re moving on,
- you’re have to change your paradigms philosophically to feel like you don’t want your ex back anymore.
They can’t be your first priority anymore when you do talk to them
The second factor is also related to the first one because a successfully executed no contact rule can give you the ability to refocus your life and stop making your ex your first priority. Most of the people who successfully get their ex to engage with them have done a period of no contact where they’re not focusing on making their ex miss them. Instead, they’re focusing on ensuring that they get over their ex by that time they actually try to reach out to them.
I’m about to say something controversial; it doesn’t matter if your ex hasn’t contacted you after the breakup; what matters is if you’re the one to reach out first and end the conversation first.
This is especially hard for my female clients to hear, but it’s so important. If you just sit around waiting for your ex to contact you, then that probably won’t work. You actually have to do something to try to engage them in a conversation. The key is to reach out to them on your own terms but only when you are over them, and they’re no longer your first priority.
I know it seems counterintuitive to get over your ex and then want them back, but therein lies the powerful paradox. You HAVE to be emotionally secure enough to feel you’ll be okay with losing your ex because people tend to have much better results and confidence levels after that point.
Factor #2: Not going too fast too soon (value ladder)
A lot of people tend to go overboard and overcorrect after a breakup, especially those with anxious attachment styles. I can almost guarantee you that going too fast too soon will just creep your ex out and make them retreat further away from you.
That’s why we have this tried-and-tested, carefully crafted system of the value ladder.
The ex recovery process always starts with a 30-45 day no contact rule where you can ignore your ex and focus on yourself. However, that time is usually tense for people who spend it obsessing over their ex.
So when it ends, they overcompensate, and instead of having small conversations, they try to jump back into dates. That kind of rash behavior will almost always blow up in your face because you’re expecting immediate results.
Instead, we recommend gradually working your way up the value ladder by starting off building value with texting, then phone/video calls, meet-ups, romantic dates, and finally getting back together.
You need to take your time building value at each rung of the value ladder so you don’t mess it up by going too fast too soon! The value ladder is a perfect way to temper your expectations and really lay the groundwork for a new relationship.
Factor #3: Not expecting too much from your first contact text message
A lot of people misunderstand the point of the first contact text message after no contact.
They go overboard and have an outpour of emotions or ask their ex out on a date. The first contact message is meant to open up a line of communication – that’s it.
This message should not carry the weight of getting back together because it’s too early for that. You’re only trying to capture your ex’s attention and get a neutral to a positive response.
Sure there are techniques to crafting a first text message like having a hook, tapping into your ex’s hero complex, and having an interest-based conversation but all that doesn’t matter as much as having realistic expectations.
The first contact text message merely serves to establish that the two of you can talk in calm terms.
What matters isn’t who starts the conversation; it’s who ends the conversation
This is related to my controversial statement from earlier that I believe you should be the first to reach your ex. Our female clients usually have a problem because they’ve always been socialized to see men as the initiators in a romantic relationship.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI’m here to tell you it doesn’t matter! You already have history together so there’s no reason to be apprehensive in reaching out first. Plus, according to our research, it doesn’t really matter who starts a conversation but who ends it!
Think about it – if you and your ex are having a fantastic conversation and then you abruptly end it at the high point and leave them hanging, are they going to be thinking about who reached out first?
No, they’ll be too occupied thinking about where you went, why you’re ignoring them, or whether you’re talking to someone else.
Conclusion:
Your ex may be refusing to talk to you because they’re hurt or they’re trying to win the breakup. Either way, you cannot get them back without talking to them, so here are 5 tips to get them to talk to you again:
- The foundation of the no contact rule,
- They can’t be your first priority anymore when you do talk to them,
- Not going too fast too soon (value ladder),
- Not expecting too much from your first contact text message.
- What matters isn’t who starts the conversation it’s who ends the conversation.
Elise
March 5, 2022 at 6:22 am
Me and my partner have been together for nearly 2.5 years. We have broken up a few times before and got back together. We were going so good planning a future to have a baby etc. My parents even moved up here which is 24hours from where they lived before. And we had an argument a week ago and he told me to leave and go to my parents house and told me he just wants space. But he blocked me on everything and said don’t ever contact him again. And I went around to his today to try and talk to him and he told me to go away and his never getting back with me. He told me he would never be able to leave me and he loves me so much, and I love him so much too! Please help what do I do?? I really want to fix things but he won’t
Sara
November 19, 2021 at 8:59 am
I think I’ve ruined my chances of getting back with the one I still love. I’ve set up fake profile accounts just to talk to him.and when I do I get blocked. He has blocked me everywhere I believe, or just not responding to my texts. His mum got me arrested for something I didn’t do and I’m not sure if he believes her over me but I still want to talk to him even if it’s just as friends.
karrina alexia mccray
September 16, 2021 at 7:01 pm
hi im lex me and my boyfriend broke up last week but idk if he truly done wit me i hope not cause i love him wit everything in my heart and we was planning on spending time with each other before he moves to new jersey so i hope we can fix this so we can at least be friends . but then he tells me to deltete our pictures i feel like he’s hurting so im giving him space.! ima give him time and space because he needs i mean he just lost his lil cousin
Debbie Lawrence
July 16, 2021 at 7:58 am
We break up since 2 years, he blocked me on all social media so yesterday I came through one of his Facebook immediately I message him he blocked me again. I still love him but I don’t know what to do because is now in U.K while am in Nigeria
Jessica
July 14, 2021 at 11:53 pm
My girlfriend broke up with me 21 days ago. I’ve contacted her a few times and she responded to a few of them and some she did not. She said she was leaving me because of her depression (which was caused by medication she had taken for endometriosis and then she had the hysterectomy which left her with one ovary and a week later everything went downhill. And then about a month later she dumped me saying she loved me but that she couldn’t continue to destroy me along with her. And that she wasn’t changing her mind. I don’t know what to do and she is truly the love of my life. I really need advice.
Lauren
July 3, 2021 at 5:54 pm
We broke up two days ago. We have cut contact completely and today he texted me saying he didn’t want complete space to move on. We are 21- 22 and we were planning on moving in together at the end of August. A few days before the break up he said he didn’t want to move in and then we had a big fight then he broke up with me. He seemed upset and hurt after the big fight and said he didn’t love me anymore. I haven’t said anything else but he contacted me today. I don’t know what to think
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 3, 2021 at 9:25 pm
Hi Lauren, keep going with your NC as he doesnt get to speak to you when he wants to, just to ease his guilt. He got scared about the commitment you were making and chose to run. Let him feel what his life is going to be like without you. NC for 30 days and then reach out.
Rebekha
June 24, 2021 at 8:12 pm
Hello my fiance left me about 3 weeks ago I’m currently pregnant probably 7 weeks he left me a couple days after we found out just said he didn’t want to be with me and that a baby won’t keep us together and that we are not compatible but he’s wrong we were together 6 months became friends it was all to good to be true it was like a dream a month later he asked me to marry him not even a month of being together I did try to reach out many times I didn’t contact him for about 5 days and he told me he was talking to someone here a week and a half later still nothing he hasn’t once reached out to ask about the baby or myself he has me blocked on everything we did have some fighting about his ex when we were together it was almost constant because he was always talking to her it was a couple days before I was moving in with him we have broken up once in the past but he came back quickly and never told me he was talking to someone I just don’t understand why he’s wanting to throw everything away over what this girl I don’t even know I just don’t want to lose him I’ve been suffering and crying everyday if I can get him back I’d like to honestly thought he was my one any help would be greatly appreciated thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2021 at 11:00 pm
Hi Rebekha, if he is involved with this new woman then you need to follow a limited no contact where you would only speak to him for pregnancy issues. Otherwise you would follow the main rules of NC. Then start the being there method.
Kandi
June 21, 2021 at 1:36 am
After four days of us not contacting each other. Yes we’ve broken up before. A few times in the last few weeks. I usually start it because of something he’s done. Like be inconsistent. He will say that he will take me somewhere and don’t do it. Or say he’s going to come and don’t do it. Most times he follow through. But a lot of times he don’t. So he reach out to me and long story short he wanted to get back with me start a clean slate. I agreed. The next day he didn’t keep his words by coming back over to my house he said he was filling out paper work etc. I felt like it was bs because he also stated that his cousin was over so I felt like he was saying that he couldn’t come. Excuses too me. It made me so angry and I flew off the handle through text message because I was tired of it but I thought about it after a couple days he had me blocked. I called from my other number he answered we talked it over he unblocked me but when I call he don’t answer nor text back. It’s Father’s Day weekend. Haven’t heard not a word and I’m not jumping through hoops to get his attention. I’ve called and texted enough. I did tell him that if he didn’t want me just please leave me alone and move on. I think he has someone else although he says he doesn’t. I hate this feeling. I think we are over….I’m so hurt, angry, sad…please help!
Martha
June 6, 2021 at 9:59 pm
Me and my ex have been living together for 11 years, we have 2 children together, the last born is 2month, he break up with me through the phone when I Was on maternity leave, he decide I should not go back to his place, there was no proper reason y he break up with me. I try to apologize but he refused my apology, at a moment he don’t want to talk to me, what do I do, I am hurt deep inside my heart because I have a small baby.
Sarrah
June 3, 2021 at 1:25 pm
My ex and I work together. We split 3 years ago and for the first 2 years it was very amicable and friendly. But then he started seeing someone else from work and we haven’t spoken since. They had a very ugly breakup. He has since begun chatting to her more but he still won’t say a word to me. He’s leaving work next week and I know I will never see him again. I feel really lost and I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
Jane
June 1, 2021 at 12:45 pm
Me and my ex have been back together for a year. We have been on and of for about 5 years we had a stupid argument that got out of had a few days ago I apologised more than enough and he has ignored my texts for the best 2 days he’s blocked me on everything apart from my number.
Michelle
May 14, 2021 at 5:02 am
My x and I were engaged planning on living together. He started a BS fight broke up with me and has not talked to me in 5 days. He also got on bumble? I’m left hurting
Natalie
May 13, 2021 at 12:49 am
My fiancé and I were living together and then he moved out suddenly without saying anything. When we talked later he said that he still loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was in love with how we used to be before we lived together and I was always so busy. He felt like I didn’t hear him throughout our relationship and he felt disrespected in the way I talked to him. I listened and we hung out for about another week daily and I thought we were making progress. He said he’d even take me out on a date after a little space. Then he stops talking to me for another week and I get a text that says that he can’t see me because it hurts too much and that he felt bad for the way he left but he just doesn’t love me like that anymore and was only in love with how we used to be but too much has happened to think he would ever want to get back together. I thanked him for at least being honest and not continuing to lead me on. Then I got drunk, made him give me a ride home, and then unleashed all of my fears about our future and professed my love in a sloppy, sobbing way. He was mad to say the least. I have tried to apologize and tell him that I was embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior and that I was absolutely sorry for being out of line. He has not talked to me since but has not blocked me on anything.
Sarah
May 11, 2021 at 10:00 am
Me and my ex split up 10 days ago as things haven’t been right for a while and he ended it. Yes I’ve gnatted him and now he won’t talk to me at all. I’m absolutely heartbroken.. I’ve cried and begged him to try again but he just won’t. It’s so hard because we love each other still. I work at his house once a week too and do t know if I should carry on or give him his key back. I’m truly heartbroken
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 13, 2021 at 7:54 pm
Hey Sarah, keep working at his house but avoid speaking with him if you can for a your 30 day NC. Work on yourself at this time and understand when they first end things with you they think that is what is best and nothing you say is going to change his mind. This is why we follow the 30 day NC rule.
Laura
May 10, 2021 at 10:26 am
My ex (only of 4 months) Broke it off with me nearly a week ago, we had a lovely evening out, he even got me a gift, we had a bit of an argument in the car on the way back to mine, he still came in and had a cuddle, I said I love you and he said I love you too, he text me when he got home to say goodnight. In the morning he said I hadn’t messed up but the more I apologised the more he pulled away. The last message he sent was “I don’t think this is what I want or need right now” I replied saying “please don’t give up on me” and since then he hasn’t spoken to me, it’s only been 5 days! He’s done this before, left and said “I’m just looking at the bigger picture” I sent him some money back and a week after breaking up he contacted me again and we started again. Is it possible this time he will come back to to me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 20, 2021 at 4:37 pm
Hi Laura, it sounds as if he does not want to deal with a dramatic relationship. So if he is ending things when you have a fall out it seems as if he goes into flight mode when things are difficult. I would suggest that you at least stick to a 30 day NC as this is the second time he ended things with you, then reach out with Chris text suggestions, in the mean time read the articles on this website that apply to you especially the Ungettable girl information.
Amber
April 22, 2021 at 7:43 pm
My ex and I broke up 2.5 weeks ago but we had a long break up lasting over a month (went on a break for 2 weeks, we then talked again about breaking up and I said no, then another 1.5 week of not talking and I asked him if we can talk). He wouldn’t talk to me unless I initiated. During the break, I kept telling him I want don’t want to break up.
The last talk was the break up (over phone). I’m in the no contact phase but it doesn’t seem like he is even interested in speaking to me again (unless he must).
He texted me once to tell me there were open vaccine appts in the area (he said during the break up that he would still keep an eye out for vaccine appts for me). Is there any hope to getting back together? We were together for 6years.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 24, 2021 at 1:44 pm
Hi Amber if you work the program and stick with the advice then yes you have a chance but the important part is that you keep with the No contact
Shauna
April 14, 2021 at 5:35 pm
Me and my ex have 2 kids together a 6 year old and 17 month old he left me because he said he couldn’t do it anymore he needed to work on himself. We were together for 8 years And all I want is him back. Its hard for the no contact because of the kids. I just want the family life back. I want him to miss us and come back but I feel like it’s done for good.
joy
March 18, 2021 at 11:15 am
my husband and i ended two weeks ago for good and i’m devastated. we’ve been together over 9 years and been separated / on and off again for 18 months. we agreed our gut feel was to end things but i know i really only said that out of total stubbornness. he called my bluff and now he’s moved address (no idea where) and has not spoken to me at all. i went a bit crazy and begged and pleaded for him to give us another try. he said he’d rather be loved by an ugly girl than be with someone like me who has been hot and cold for a long time. he said some horrible horrible things to me and told me he does not care anymore and is moving on. i haven’t reached out to him at all for 4 days and he’s unfollowed me on everything. i have the feeling it’s done. he’s very very angry over my on/off attitude. i’m so mad at myself for not appreciating what i had. i really do love him and need to sort myself out. how do i go about this if he’a got no intention of ever contacting me again? he is insanely stubborn and very resentful.
Dom
March 1, 2021 at 12:31 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend recently left after 19 years together. He said he needs to find himself and be an individual. We had a child young he was 18 I was 16 she recently turned 18. He left a few weeks before our daughters birthday and was texting me quite a bit. Since her birthday he has not contacted me at all. It has been nearly 3 weeks. We have bills to sort out, a mortgage and I currently use his car. He occasionally reaches out to my family about general stuff and sees our daughter in the home where we lived together as due to covid. I don’t know what to do! And feel like how can someone be with me for that long and suddenly just walk away like I don’t exist. He has told our daughter he can’t call me yet because it hurts.
Julia
February 4, 2021 at 11:14 pm
I gnattted my ex, .. it’s been a month & he’s moved out and taken all his belongings, he knows how heart broken I am about it all but he’s refusing to talk to me but will occasionally answer my messages.. we broke up due to not spending enough time together, what made me feel unwanted, then he dropped the bomb that can’t see himself ever wanting to properly settle down… it’s destroyed me…