Today we’re going to talk about a situation where you’ve decided that you don’t want to move on from your ex and instead want to get them back.
This article will be your overview for having the best chance at success in getting your ex back.
First things first…
Is It Ok To Not Want To Move On From An Ex?
There is so much negative stigma around trying to get an ex back.
If you try to approach your friends and family about how you don’t want to move on, you’ll probably be hit with some unsupportive comments like:
“An ex is an ex for a reason. Don’t try to get them back”
“There are plenty of other fish in the sea”
Regardless of where these responses come from, it still sucks to have someone close to you invalidate your feelings of not wanting to move on from your ex.
Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly normal to want an ex back.
If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t really have much of a business now, would I?
Honestly, most of the people who give discouraging feedback have either never been in the position of wanting an ex back or they’ve had very negative experiences with breakups and they’re projecting those onto you.
Newsflash: no two breakups are the same.
Every single relationship and breakup is unique and there are so many moving parts that it’s almost impossible for anyone to tell you that you shouldn’t want your ex back. Now, this isn’t to say that you should always want your ex back.
There are definitely some red flag situations where it is not a great idea.
Read through this article or watch this YouTube video to see the red flags where I recommend that you should NOT get your ex back. If you find yourself falling into any of these red flag scenarios, then I’d consider moving on.
But if you’re not in any of these situations then I say it’s okay to not be able to move on from an ex and try to get them back…even if your friends or family don’t support that.
You need to do what’s best for you and your unique situation.
Now onto the million-dollar question…
What Should You Do If You Decide You Don’t Want To Move On From Your Ex?
So first things first – this is quite literally one of the biggest reasons for my business: helping people get their exes back.
There is no way that I can explain everything to you but consider the rest of this article as a cliff notes version of our entire program.
If you like what you see, feel free to explore our website and YouTube channel for more.
I’ve always looked at ex-boyfriend recovery or ex-girlfriend recovery or our ex recovery program as this living and breathing entity that’s always evolving based on new information. So a lot of the advice that we give out now is different from the advice that we gave out when I started this business.
Well, the world of dating and research around breakups is constantly changing. As more psychologists or psychotherapists study these areas, we get more insight into the human mind during breakups and we adjust our program accordingly. Also, over the years we have had so many success stories and each of them brings something special to the table.
We’ve been able to synthesize common themes and concepts that work in real life so our program now focuses on those instead of theoretical ideas that don’t play out too well.
Interestingly, our recommendation right after a breakup is the exact same for whether you’re trying to get an ex back or trying to move on.
It all revolves around the no-contact rule. The results of the no contact rule then decide whether you move on from your ex or you move to step two of building conversations and value.
Here are details about what to do when you’ve decided not to move on from your ex.
Establish And Follow The No Contact Rule
The no-contact rule is the foundation upon which everything should be based after a breakup.
It is essentially a period of time (usually 30-45 days) when you deliberately ignore your ex to focus on yourself. If your ex misses you as you’re building up your life, great! But making your ex miss you should not be the goal of no contact.
A lot of people think it’s controversial to suggest a no-contact rule after every breakup situation. Some people want to willingly stay friends with their ex (even though it rarely works out!) while some people are forced to stay cordial with their ex because they work or live together or they share children.
The no-contact rule has gone through many variations since I started ex-boyfriend recovery and ex-girlfriend recovery.
At first, it was simply just a 30-day rule where you ignore your ex no matter what.
Eventually, we learned through feedback that this doesn’t work in all situations so we came up with two adapted rules:
- Limited no contact rule: Reduced contact, limited only to necessary topics such as shared childcare or work, etc.
- Indefinite no contact rule: Extended no contact where you’re better off never speaking to your ex again.
The biggest change to the no contact rule though was the intent behind it.
Everyone always thinks of the no contact rule as this “hard to get” strategy where you ignore your ex to make them miss you. We’ve found that’s actually not the most important part of no contact and you will miss out on any self-development if you only focus on making your ex miss you.
The more important part of a no-contact rule (and the one that drives success) is focusing on bettering yourself and your life.
I know it sounds cliché but it all comes back to the concept of your holy trinity –
These three areas are the pillars of your life and a breakup wreaks havoc on all of these.
It’s almost like a domino effect where your relationship department suffers so you stop taking care of your body (unable to sleep or eat well) and start slacking off at work due to an unhealthy body as well.
You need to divert your attention from the breakup and focus it on some other aspect of your holy trinity to get your life back in order.
This can be anything from going to the gym or spending more time building up relationships with your close friends.
Do whatever helps you take care of yourself and use the precious no-contact time to your advantage.
Letting Go Without Letting Go During No Contact
This also links to a couple of other crucial points in the ex-recovery process – “letting go without letting go” and adopting a secure attachment style.
Without going into too much detail I just want to say that most of our success stories report attaining this secure mindset of not caring whether their ex comes back to them. Basically, they achieved a secure attachment style and mastered “letting go without letting go” by focusing entirely on themselves. This in turn made them even more attractive to their ex!
Now of course it’s not just a simple wave of a magic wand that lets you ignore your ex, focus on yourself, and “let go”.
It’s a gradual process, but one worth exploring more.
I actually just got done writing my 16000-word definitive guide to the no contact rule. It includes literally everything I could think of from every special situation we’ve come across to every question
I’ve been asked about the no contact rule. I highly recommend you check that out if you want an ultimate primer on how we view the no contact rule and what’s actually working to get exes back.
Essentially the no contact rule is the first building block after a breakup.
All the work you do during the no contact rule sets you up to truly know whether you want your ex back or want to get over them. We find that a lot of our clients who fully immerse themselves in the no-contact rule like we recommend end up letting go of their ex and moving on.
The clients who do want their ex back have a lot of work to do after that and all that work centers around building conversations using the value ladder and value chain.
Building Conversations Using The Value Ladder And Value Chain
So the value ladder and the value chain are the core components of our program. It’s basically the step-by-step quick guide to getting an ex back.
People often confuse the two together so here’s a quick wrap-up of each one.
Value ladder refers to the incremental methods of communication you will use when trying to get an ex back. Each method includes a higher level of interaction and you work your way up to each one just as climbing steps on a ladder.
The steps of the value ladder include:
- No contact rule
- Texting phase
- Calling (audio or video calls)
- In-person meet up
- Commitment phase
All these steps are in the most logical order that will help your ex open back up to you.
So if you try to jump from no contact to an in-person meetup or from texting to asking for commitment you might spook your ex.
Starting with texting allows both of you to have time to think of your responses.
Once you build enough value over text you can progress to the next step of calling.
Calls let you judge the tone of their voice, the urgency of their answers, and even their facial expressions in case of video calls.
Again, build enough value over calls and move on to an in-person meeting!
Eventually, enough in-person meetups can transition to the commitment phase of getting back together.
Now that’s a super quick way of explaining the general game plan, but you might be wondering what you’re supposed to talk about in each step of the value ladder and that’s when the value chain comes in to skyrocket your chances of success!
The value chain describes the actual conversations you have at each rung of the value ladder. As you move up the conversations become more meaningful and intense, allowing for more emotional vulnerability.
Here are the five different types of conversations you can have to build value:
- Small talk -This is the kind of conversation you’d have with a stranger such as talking about the weather or recent sports games etc.
- Telling stories- We only tell personal stories to people we know or are at least slightly acquainted with. At this stage, you share stories to engage your ex and make them want to hear more.
- Sharing opinions- Now sharing opinions is something you usually only reserve for friends because you know they’re not going to judge or leave you for your opinions. These can be political opinions or basically anything you wouldn’t want random people to know.
- Virgin ground- This is where you and your ex start sharing things you haven’t told each other (or anyone else) before. This is a great sign of increased trust.
- Sharing feelings- The most intimate form of conversation is when you can openly talk about your feelings with each other and know that the other person will respect you.
Now it doesn’t always work out perfectly where you’re able to weave together the value chain aspects into each rung of the value ladder so don’t try to be too strict with these.
This is just a general template to follow that has the best chance of success in getting an ex back.
It’s completely okay to not want to move on from your ex.
The first thing you should do after a breakup, regardless of whether you want to move on or get your ex back, is enacting a no-contact rule.
This is when you ignore your ex and work on yourself.
If you still feel like getting your ex back by the end of the no contact rule you should follow our value ladder and value chain concepts to build conversations with your ex that can eventually lead to commitment.