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324 thoughts on “This Is How To Make Him Trust You Again”

  1. sarah

    December 7, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Hi chris your insights are very intresting….i dated this guy and one day as he was going through my photos he came across a photo of .me seated on a pal the truth about it was he (my friend)was drunk n dnt want to let me go untill a photo taken so i let him be
    Shamelessley i had a couple of weeks no contact with my ex n when we talked we discussed the ssue n he was all sarcastic about it n kept on insisting i movevon for he was seeing someone chris i love the guy and want him back is there hope????we talked and he still insisted on the me moving on and then strangelly asked why i loved him n i did not hesitate to reply…….i still have feelings n the fact that he texted talking about how he dnt care about women nymore n how he was just messing around llike i apparently did to him…..

    1. admin

      December 7, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      Ok, can I ask you a question. This is actually just more about my curiousty than anything else.

      This photo where you were sitting on the drunk friend. Why did you leave it up? Why not take it down? You had to know that it would hurt your boyfriend. I guess I am just wondering your thought process on leaving it up?

  2. Sue

    December 6, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Hi Chris,

    Thanks for sharing so many insights. To keep this as short as I can I’m going to jump right in. My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and neither of us were looking for a relationship. Looking back, I was not ready at the time, but he was amazingly comforting through some rough times. Outside of our relationship, we both had a rough year with a lot of stress. It took its toll and at some point we just couldn’t get along anymore. Neither of us cheated and we still had fun times, but stupid emotional fights kept reoccurring. We were walking on egg shells rather than being ourselves and enjoying each other. We mutually decided to split and both shed a lot of tears saying goodbye. We had already planned something for a significant (very emotional) event for me outside of our relationship, so we spent that day together 2 weeks after the split and had an amazing time, but both got choked up again saying goodbye and ended up having a blow up fight. He is *extremely* hard on himself and introverted and says he thinks shouldn’t be in any relationship because that he won’t ever be able to make someone else happy (yet he was willing to pursue me). In the past we’ve talked about other couples that took breaks and came back and he said he was always against that and would never look back on any relationship. We both loved each other very much (I still do, but can’t speak for him), but the stress was beyond our control and we both had poor emotional reactions. I’m 20 days into NC and I’ve been able to tackle several of the major contributing stress factors and recognize when I showed him poor emotional reactions to things that had nothing to do with him. He hasn’t reached out to me and knowing him I don’t expect him to. He probably shut everyone out without telling them we broke up and started working insane hours. My question is- after the NC ends, what’s the best option to approach? I don’t doubt that he loved me, but I can’t tell if he could ever see past all the past emotions now that life is a little calmer and emotions are more in check.

    Thanks again!

    1. admin

      December 6, 2013 at 7:54 pm

      Sending a text message and slowly working to emotionally connect him in the conversation.

    2. Sue

      December 16, 2013 at 11:03 pm

      Thanks for the suggestion. After NC, I sent an ‘across the bow’ following the guidelines. He hasn’t answered, which I kind if expected. How long do I wait to try again and should it be another across the bow? Or does this just sound like a lost cause?

    3. admin

      December 17, 2013 at 6:40 pm

      About a week. Try something unique this time though. Something that you know he will have no choice but to respond to.

  3. Anne J

    December 2, 2013 at 12:31 am

    And what about if I didn’t cheat, but broke up with him for another guy ( I was confused at that time), but the whole time we were appart I though about my bf. And yes, I kissed the other guy, and that was it, it didn’t felt well at all. Then another month passed, and I told him what happened , that I was sorry and wanted him back, and he obviously got angry, but 2 weeks later we talked again and he said he loved me more and would forgive me, so we started again, but…. it has been a year and a half since that incident, and still he can’t forgive me, it seems like all the anger grew every day inside him, so, a month ago he broke up with me because he couldn’t take it anymore… He says he loves me but don’t want to suffer more
    And all I wanna do is to love him for the rest of my life… =(

    1. admin

      December 2, 2013 at 6:57 pm

      Thats almost as bad as cheating in my opinion b/c it makes a guy feel like your second choice. BUT you can still get him back it is still possible.

  4. rach

    November 29, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Oh wow, you worked on Thanksgiving!?! Do you ever take a day off? Well I hope you had a good time with friends and family.
    My ex and I were together for a year before we broke up. I did NC successfully and have received positive responses since I sent the first contact message. I led him into calling me once and we discussed mostly our break up. It wasn’t over emotional and no one got angry, but we came to the agreement that what ultimately caused the break up was that no one could know we were together. (I’m going through a divorce which is why we had to be a secret.) We work together and we work mostly with men, so when they found out that I was going through a divorce I was presumed single and a few guys (one in particular) were doing everything they could to get with me. So here I am, supposed to look like I’m single although I was (and still am) madly in love with the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he’s having to stand on the side lines and deal with other men chasing the woman he loves more than anything and fought incredibly hard for to get! I mean this man went through an incredible amount of heart ache in order to be with me, he truly amazes me by his tenacity. Now I was always completely honest with him and told him everything that was going on with guys chasing me, for one out of respect for him but also because I didn’t want him to be told something by a co-worker whether it be a rumor or the truth. So one week he finally blew up and said that he couldn’t take the other man hitting on me anymore so I promised I would stop him and I did. Or so I thought. One week after him blowing up (and I honestly don’t blame him for that) I go out to a bar for a friend’s going away party and I knew that there was a possibility of the guy who had been chasing me was going to be there. I shouldn’t have gone, and I won’t give you all the reasons why I went unless you just want to know but my reasons fall short to me and seem more like excuses for a poor decision. I was at the bar a few hours and had drank too much to safely leave but wasn’t drunk if that makes sense, I was just a little “tipsy”. Well here comes the guy who has been relentlessly trying to get with me and initially he was fine. He kept his word and treated me just the way a friend should. I had quit drinking so I could leave by the way. I went to the bathroom and when I came out that guy was standing behind the door waiting for me, grabbed my shoulder from behind, turned me around and kissed me! I didn’t kiss him back and pushed away immediately telling him that this isn’t going to happen. He kept pushing for me to meet him somewhere after I left and just wouldn’t leave me alone. If course I never met him anywhere and went straight home asap. The next morning my now ex and I are talking and he asked about the guy and I told him exactly what happened and within less than five minutes he broke up with me. Now part of me believes that I have a decent chance of getting him back but he probably won’t actually get back with me until the divorce is final which I’m perfectly fine with. My main question to you is should I approach this as though a cheated on him? I’m really conflicted with that because I’m not a cheater and I didn’t do anything to deserve that guy doing that to me. I admit I shouldn’t have gone to the bar, but if I need to approach this as though I cheated I will. I have no problem swallowing my pride and looking at things as though I did. He fought so hard for me, I will fight just as hard to get him back!
    Thanks so much, and happy late Thanksgiving!

    1. admin

      November 30, 2013 at 4:37 am

      Approach it as though you cheated. BUT don’t be so hard on yourself.

    2. rach

      November 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

      Ok, so since we’ve been having positive communication for nearly a month now should I just randomly throw an apology text that you described his way or what? I guess that I’m just a little worried that since we’ve been talking so well to one another that bringing it up this late in the game may go against me a little. I just don’t want it to open up old wounds I guess. He is also the type of man who is very adamant on not bringing up the past. He strongly believes that once something has happened, it is discussed and never brought up again.
      Thank you.

    3. rach

      November 30, 2013 at 8:37 pm

      So here is my apology text that I plan on sending “I know you believe in leaving the past in the past, I’m not trying to bring it back up or open old wounds. I only want you to know that I am truly sorry for ever giving you reason to doubt that you were enough for me. I am sorry for not focusing more on you and the way I should have been treating you. I allowed myself to get distracted and I fell short of what you deserved. Do you remember how I used to argue with you that I’m not perfect and you would always tell me that I was perfect to you? I fully understand what you meant by that now because no other man can live up to who you are to me. Please just know that I am honestly sorry for what I did.” What do you think?

    4. admin

      December 1, 2013 at 6:19 pm

      Well… its a good apology 🙂

    5. rach

      December 6, 2013 at 5:18 pm

      So I found an opportune moment to send my apology text and it went over unbelievably well. At first he was very grateful for it and telling me to not worry about it, we both had made mistakes and learned from them (I was particularly thrilled to hear that). That’s all I honestly wanted was for him to feel better, so I just told him that I was glad he felt that way and left it at that. About half an hour later he began highly complimenting me which was a wonderful surprise, and we continued in that manner for a while longer before the conversation ended. So thank you very much for the advice on my apology! I have no doubt that he wouldn’t want to say anything to hurt me, but it seems as though he is going above and beyond just being nice. Now my question is; from a man’s perspective how far would you go just to be nice or spare a girl’s feelings? I am wondering if I should take this as a sign to maybe kick things up a notch because this isn’t the first time he has been “overly nice and complimentary.”

    6. rach

      December 6, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      If you answered my last question the answer didn’t show up but the “waiting for migration” is gone.

    7. admin

      December 7, 2013 at 7:35 pm

      Has it been answered it yet?

    8. rach

      December 7, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      Nope

    9. rach

      December 8, 2013 at 12:18 am

      Just to make sure the question I’m talking about in particular showed up on your end it was about sending the apology text and it going well and if his actions may mean to kick things up a notch. If you didn’t get it then I can resubmit it.

    10. admin

      December 8, 2013 at 6:48 pm

      Hmmm… If you get a positive response I suppose you can go up a notch BUT make sure you go really slowly. Rushing things at the beginning can be a killer.

    11. rach

      December 6, 2013 at 9:38 pm

      Moderation*** haha

  5. Anne

    November 26, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks for this- very informative. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago in a “heat of the moment” emotional argument. Obviously, I regret it, we’ve talked, apologized, gone out a few times, but I do sense I devestated his ego, and destroyed a lot of trust. He says he doesn’t want to jump right back into things, but wants to keep talking and see what we think. I feel positive we are on the right track, but it makes sense, he doesn’t fully trust me yet. It helps to read that it’s likely he needs to have his time to work through this, “hold it against me” for a while, but in time, he probably will get over it. This helps me understand where he is coming from even more, and helps me realize I do need to keep making efforts towards him to rebuild trust.

  6. Jane

    November 26, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Chris
    This guide is spot on. I am the controlling type of girl, I have to admit that I used to control my ex and he HATED this so much (now I feel so so bad about it). And he used to say that I did not respect, trust nor understood him. After the breakup I got to realize just how bad a girlfriend I was to him. I didn’t know that my behavior was a turn off. I am also the over emotional and sort of a small drama queen (brought up lots of arguments), attributes that I hate so much now and always cringe whenever I remember all the negative things I did (I feel so bad about this, wish I could take back time). However, I am indeed trying so much to change and be a good person and girlfriend to someone, its not easy but I am putting my best, like thinking before reacting.

    Chris I keep thinking that my bad character is what drove him away from me and its the main reason for him still being angry at me and hating me this much. I guess he is afraid to give me a 2nd chance lest he regrets it later. You at least give me hope that maybe he may forgive me and stop hating me. I did text him after my 2nd NC and he didn’t bother to reply, I was just saying hi. So now am wondering, how will he get to see that I have changed/am changing when he clearly told his circle guy friends some time back that he did not want ever want to hear any of them mention my name to him, that if at all they saw me (we are good friends with his guy friends) they should just keep that to themselves. It was so bad that he almost fought with one of them after he mentioned my name to him. He is seeing this nice and young chick who I think is the complete opposite of me, probably has better girlfriend attributes than me. This scares me since he still hates me and am sure he doesn’t check on me, he may continue falling for this “better” girlfriend and clearly forget me (they’ve been dating for 4mnths now), yet I miss him SO MUCH.

    1. admin

      November 26, 2013 at 8:23 pm

      Hey we have all been there! Don’t beat yourself up over the controlling just keep on trying to improve.

  7. Nao

    November 26, 2013 at 12:59 am

    I’m too controlling, therefore my ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Because he thinks our personality is too different. I made another mistake…begged him with needy and desperate,but he just texted me” Sorry, I’m not the one for you. You deserve the better.” After that he never responded me any message. Finally I started the NC period, today is the 8th day…I know all I can do is waiting, seeing and changing myself to a better position…But sometimes I really want to know is there any chance I can get him back?

    1. admin

      November 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm

      Of course!

      But there are obviously no guarantees Nao

    2. Nao

      November 27, 2013 at 12:33 am

      Hi Chris
      Thanks for your reply. I know there are no guarantees, but I’ll keep going my NC challenge.
      Then hope he can give me the chance to prove my change.

    3. admin

      November 27, 2013 at 7:37 pm

      Then you have the perfect attitude!

  8. Viki

    November 25, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    Tnx! I have a lot to think about… You are right,the trust issue is very imnportant. Although my ex claims he doesn’t trust me because I have alwasys been so honest with him and so openhearted that he wished not to know at least half of it. I’ve never tried to control him (although I must confess that sometimes I had to be extremely reserved!!!). In my case he thinks he dumped me, but indeed he apologized and told me how sorry he was about saying stupid things, asked for a fresh start… I agreed (but not openly) as I wanted to understand if I can trust him again (we broke up because of his parents). Long story short, when I decided to give him a chance he blew it off as according to him he already knew that nothing would work out (we tried the fresh start but relations were strained), so he disappeared somewhere 2 weeks later after “reunion”. I was upset but insisted on meeting though. It was a complete disaster!!! I wish I could come across your website earlier! Few weeks later (after we got along….again) I decided to aplly the NC. No wonder why he started writing messages and calling me. Guilty! I violated the NC rule a few times becuse we bumped into each other severeal times (it was a coincidence, I know that). The other day he sent me a greeting message. I don’t know why but I wrote him back. Having not received a reply on my 4th message (we had a smal chit-chat before that), I waited fro several hours and sent my final word asking him to leave me alone and stop being very kind to me as I don’t give a f*** about his greetings… The message, OK, those 2 last messages were agressive, but he replied with 1 word: ‘OK’. What does that suppose to mean? He wasn’t answering, and then… here you are! I am not going to lie, but my expressive words were truthful in that moment. Lately, I have been doubting about us, because he is certianly not a man of my dream but why am I holding the grudge? Yeah, right, my ego suffered, but he is not the lastman on the Earth! Long story short I restarted my NC, meanwhile I can’t sleep thinking how far I’ve screwed and what is my MPC regarding the agressive message (as literally it was like ‘ **ck you, my dear! enjoy your evening)… Oh I hate being this rude!!! I am so pathetic and so confused!

    1. admin

      November 26, 2013 at 7:26 pm

      You are not pathetic and sometimes its ok to be rude if it brings you closer to your goal.

  9. Lydia

    November 25, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I always look forward in reading your articles. Its been 10 days now I have been following the no contact rule with my ex boyfriend. Its extremely hard and as much as im trying to keep myself busy and occupied the worst times for me are in the evenings. I think alot and i loose sleep over thinking about my ex and the things i could have done differently. In the beginning of our relationship i never told him that i had decided to drop out of univerisity after my first year which was a choice i made, im always hesitatant to disclose that to people because most of the times they are quick to judge you even though it was my own decision and i am okay with that. So he always thought i had finished my university studies until i decided to come clean after 5 months into our relationship and he was disappointed but happy i told him and we moved on from it. There were about 2 other small incidents that i lied about after and he made a statement to me that he has lost trust in me, the trust he had for me was gone. I felt hurt cause there were very minor things to me but he overlooked them and we moved on again. Fast forward to the day he broke up with me, he mentioned those incidents as one of the reasons he was not happy including other factors so this has hunted me since. I cant sleep because i have these regrets that maybe if i had told him from the beginning he wouldnt have felt betrayed and lied to. I loose sleep over these kind of things and as much as i am gonna stick to the no contact rule, i just dont see how i will earn his trust back. He is a very strick kind of guy and a proper business man, he owns his own company so he definitely has this serious side to him and i am the opposite of him and when we broke up he also did say he felt like we were 2 different people and even when he broke up with me, he treated the whole scenario like a business deal gone wrong in the way he analysed all my cons that led to our break up. He has had this strike system in place and it was my 3rd strike so that was it for him. I am trying Chris, to see light at the end of the tunnel and follow through to 30 days but i feel like when i get there, how can i win this mans trust again. Do people like him ever break down there hard exteriors?

    1. admin

      November 26, 2013 at 7:11 pm

      Yes but as always it takes time and it depends on the guy. Some guys are just too proud for forgiveness or trust… but some guys aren’t

  10. Nicole

    November 25, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    This is a good page! But what about how can you be able to trust your ex bf again after he broke up with you? What if those things you mentioned never happened. He use to always bring up the past mistakes I made and wouldn’t let it go. He even admitted about that. So how can he remember the good if some things that happened were bad cuz he felt hurt as he called it. There wasn’t anything bad I have done. He use to talk down to me and insult me and some how point out every flaw which I never done any of this to him. He would some how after I said stop bringing up the past he did it anyways! But if I mention anything he did wrong he would just tell me to stop talking about it. Of course I have been hurt worse than him. He is made cuz one time we wen to a fair about a year ago. HE knows I don’t like roller coasters or even fast rides at the fair for that matter. But I went on the Ferris wheel even thou I hate heights. He was upset cuz he bought tickets for the rides and I said that I didn’t like them but it’s just cuz I didn’t feel comfortable. He said he felt embarrassed and upset only cuz his brother and his gf went on them. I’m like sorry they just scared me but wouldn’t be okay or fine that we went anyways to hang out? He didn’t look how I looked at it. He thought why couldn’t she go on one ride for me. But it’s just he didn’t understand I felt uncomfortable but I still wanted to go and walk around. That was one thing he felt hurt about. And another was about school back when I lived near him and well I stopped going cuz the major wasnt what I wanted to do and financial aid screwed me over. So I was stuck there working at publix and I never wanted that forever. So I had him to keep me going trying to figure out stuff and nothing was working out so I get upset more than I should have and he didn’t like that. I felt happy with him around but then I wanted him to stay at my place more than going back to his parents. Which he did slot to play video games and his cat was there..so to me things I have done was not even compared to the hurtful things he has said to me. So I just don’t know how I could go by by trusting him again with everything. Since when I was upset figuring out my life I never gave up but cuz he did cuz he can’t handle stress and rather be alone? So if he doesn’t want a gf now as he claims how could I ever make him come back or even me trying to trust him again???

    1. admin

      November 25, 2013 at 8:45 pm

      I am confused. Is it YOU who has the issue trusting him? Or the other way around?

    2. Nicole

      November 26, 2013 at 1:15 am

      Well me, after something like breaking up and crushing me, how can I be able to trust him again if things ever do happen. Like how can I be able to trust his words or anything again?
      So if the guy did the dumping does he usually come back?

    3. admin

      November 26, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Depends on a lot of factors obviously.

      And trust is something that you are going to have to take a leap of faith on unfortunately.

    4. Nicole

      November 26, 2013 at 7:48 pm

      Yeah I mean if it comes to that time I might be able to. So why would a guy say hurtful things to try and put you down for? Does that say something about himself? I mean he never done that before it always when he’s stress and now telling me different things why we broke up, fights personalities and then he wants to be alone and needs to figure himself out and the world. I just don’t know what to believe anymore..

    5. admin

      November 27, 2013 at 7:11 pm

      I hate how relationships can fog up your perception of things.

      They would say hurtful things to put you down to feel a sense of control or power.

    6. Nicole

      November 28, 2013 at 1:05 am

      Yeah it sucks when relationships do that 🙁

      What about is also cuz they have insecurities of themselves and can be jealous of you in some way?

    7. admin

      November 28, 2013 at 5:49 am

      That is possible too.

      I think the more likely thing is the insecurities part.

    8. Nicole

      November 30, 2013 at 9:12 pm

      Well that makes sense! I mean i could do that too but im a girl and we view it differently. Then it must either be something about his life isnt going right or just himself in general?

    9. Nicole

      December 8, 2013 at 4:49 am

      So, what would be a next step as I should so? I already did nc and we sort of talked lay month but he still wants space and to figure himself out. Should I wait till he reaches out to me? He knows I’m moving over where he is soon so I’m thinking he’ll try and wonder when I’ll be there. Plus his school is over next week.

    10. admin

      December 8, 2013 at 7:01 pm

      Hmm… I would wait until he reaches out.

    11. Nicole

      December 2, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      Yeah I think it must be it but my friends when I talked with them they think it could be someone else but idk I don’t think so..I mean they said cuz it’s what he told me how he wants to be alone for now and do how own stuff..like that’s something guys say when there is someone else but I know it’s been almost 2 months and there isn’t one.. I just don’t know. I did ask if there was someone else and like he sort of was mad I asked him cuz he’s like apparently you don’t know me then..but it’s just cuz those girls I mention before he still hangs with the one and goes out to dinner with all them and she’s way younger than him! Like a distraction? But still it just doesn’t seem right..what you think?

    12. admin

      December 1, 2013 at 6:16 pm

      I think thats true.

      Him or something in his life.

    13. Nicole

      November 28, 2013 at 11:58 pm

      Yeah I think so as well. He doesn’t have confidence in himself at all. What makes you think that’s what it could be?

    14. Nicole

      December 5, 2013 at 5:14 pm

      Guys just seem to not care about girls feelings 🙁 it’s all about them. He blames me for this but I didn’t do anything wrong. But it sucks cuz I’ll be there soon and I kind of want to talk or well just catch up about stuff. When should I do this?

    15. Nicole

      December 1, 2013 at 11:50 pm

      Yeah I think it must be it but my friends when I talked with them they think it could be someone else but idk I don’t think so..I mean they said cuz it’s what he told me how he wants to be alone for now and do how own stuff..like that’s something guys say when there is someone else but I know it’s been almost 2 months and there isn’t one.. I just don’t know. I did ask if there was someone else and like he sort of was mad I asked him cuz he’s like apparently you don’t know me then..but it’s just cuz those girls I mention before he still hangs with the one and goes out to dinner with all them and she’s way younger than him! Like a distraction? But still it just doesn’t seem right..

    16. admin

      December 2, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      Guys do a lot of stuff that aren’t right I have learned through this site. I mean, I have seen things you can’t imagine happen to women on here.

    17. Nicole

      November 29, 2013 at 3:21 am

      So what makes you think it’s the insecurities that are getting to him to act that way? I mean he had to like me to stay with me for 3 years..

    18. admin

      November 30, 2013 at 4:11 am

      I just put myself in his shoes and tried to think how I would react.

  11. abby

    November 25, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    this is really helpful, chris!! thank you soo much! i want to ask for your opinion about the differences feelings between guy who dumped his girl and a guy dumped by his girl. what is their differences of feelings? thank you.

    1. admin

      November 25, 2013 at 8:44 pm

      Usually the guy who got dumped is more likely to want his ex back

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