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324 thoughts on “This Is How To Make Him Trust You Again”

  1. Lizzy

    January 17, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    Hi,

    So my situation is rather complicated and any help would be greatly appreciated. I have been/known my ex (lets call him X) for almost 2 years and we recently broke up. I am going to list down the background story and situation so its easier to understand:

    – X came into the relationship very reluctantly because he was in a 8/9 year relationship with his high school sweetheart – the relationship was very tumultuous, up and down and he felt very insecure with her. he once cheated on her and that caused her to after sometime leave him and that made him pretty much go insane, after regaining his mental and emotional stability he tried with her again but it never worked out in the end. (his life took a serious set back academically and professionally)
    – i met X post 2 years after his official break up and we at first started casual because i had just come out of a 2 year relationship with someone else (lets call him Y). it was great speaking to him and we got along great. suddenly feelings grew and we began to fall for each other – which is when he drew the plug, ending it after 3 months of ‘hanging out’ saying that he wasn’t ready for anything serious, this was getting serious and that he needed to focus on his work since he finally managed to get his life back on track and was not going to screw it up this time.
    – during this time, i thought it had ended and we had just had a fling. i never really went out of my way to contact him and i moved past it quite easily. in the mean time he often texted me and spoke to me and joked about how i had disappeared.
    – during this time i did a few things – even mistakes. i kissed the same guy who set us up (lets call him R). (R and X had been friends for a while but R guy had been pining for me for years whilst having a gf and i always said no. that night which was his bachelor party before he got married, i let him kiss me. he is basically my best friends older brother and i had known him for years. he wanted me so badly and i let him because i was going through a lot of emotional instability and just wanted to be wanted.) I never knew at that time X and I would ever be together I only regarded it as a fling because X didnt want anything and that was perfectly fine at the time.
    -any how before i kissed R he and i both had asked X to come to the same place we were going – we had no idea we were going to do what we did.
    – after all this i got back together with my first ex – remember Y, for a bit becasue he really wanted to try again and after two weeks i could no longer to do it because i realised i no longer felt the same way about him
    – after the 2/3 months hardly any contact with X, he decided to return back into my life. That is how we started things again,
    – Now mind you at this point, X has still told me he is emotionally unavailable, he does not want anything serious but likes me very much. I kept telling him to trust me and rely on me and that he can open up to me – and that i was not his ex.
    – we only met twice, hung out – almost slept together but didnt – kept texting – but he kept pushing me away emotionally. I was in this really crazy YOLO (you only live once) phase and because i felt like i wasn’t getting that emotional part of him i just said screw it he is having fun with me so i will too. So i was out with my friends and i kissed a random guy. a week or two weeks later i kissed another guy who just so happened to be some guy he knew and his ex had kissed a long time back. i also having done this said nothing and landed up the same morning at his place and spent the weekend with him.
    – So basically at this point you’re probably thinking im pretty fucked up, why was i telling him to trust me when i was doing all of these things. the truth is, i just wanted him to love me or want me the way i wanted him. i rejected the idea that i was falling in love with him and tried to keep casually hanging out because i knew he had walls that just needed to come down with me.
    – all in all, i told him everything, i told him about this random guy and the other one 2 months later and then 5 months later i told him about R. he almost ended it with me, but i persuaded him into trusting me again. I also a lot of the time claimed i didn’t really ‘cheat’ because i was
    a.) not with with him when i kissed R and didn’t think we would ever re-enter each others lives again b.) claimed we weren’t actually together or in a committed relationship when i did the other stuff
    – he would always get mad and say i never took responsibility for my actions and was trying to sleep with him during that time (i was a virgin) and got away with it.
    – we tried to move past it and since then which was almost 1.5/2 years ago, i have completely remained faithful and not done anything.
    – now for the last few months he had begin feeling insecure because we went out once and i was laughing with another guy and ignored him the whole night, amongst other things i apprantely did that made him feel super insecure but never told me about. he just felt as though i should have ALSO been giving him the attention and this was making him insecure. He confided me in about how he felt and i asked him try with me and trust me.
    – he would fight with me everyday and drive me crazy constantly accusing me. I would always run after him, trying to calm him down and give me another shot. – the problem here is that he would say horrible things to me and i always let it pass. this became a weapon against me. he became emotionally abusive during out entire relationship, would say hurtful mean things, control me in a lot of ways and just generally throughout the relationship always leave or claim to leave or say he was unhappy or didn’t want anything serious.
    Even though we’ve been together for so long, slept together, and he has called me his gf and accepted it to the world. to me he would often go back and forth and say i am not ready, you are pressuring me, i am uncertain if i want to marry you, i am uncertain about you, you are full of shit, you keep lying to me, you’re a piece of shit, you are slut etc etc etc.
    – the breaking point . i went out for dinner with my friend and the same guy he was insecure about. we just sat ate food drank some wine. but when he called, i didn’t answer and i said i was only out with my friend. later i called him to tell him everything but he completely shut me out because he said he had a feeling i was lying. he said even though he told me he was insecure i still went ahead and met him and i lied about it.
    – i did avoid it, i avoided the whole truth, because i have been more afraid of conflict, his reaction and the constant accusations. i did that and ended up looking shady when i didnt even do anything shady
    – So now, he is not budging this time, claims he doesn’t even love me anymore because he thought i was someone else and who i am full of shit and constantly lying and there is no way he will ever take me back.
    – now comes the weird part if that all wasn’t weird and fucked up enough – he claims he will take me back, forgive me, marry me etc if i sleep with a another guy and send him a video of it. apparently it gets him off, and makes him feel in control again. he claims i deny wanting to be with another guy when i probably already have, i think this way he feels like he can control me or the situation and even his insecurities. He also said this will be the grand gesture that is so impossible, that if i did it, it would mean i really love him.

    Should i give it the 15 day NC rule? Am i crazy to even consider hooking up with another guy and doing what he asks? is this all my fault? Why do i feel so disturbed by the situation? I waited 25 years to have sex and i did with him, and now i feel as though he has to be the one i marry – that no one will understand what all i did with him and for him physically and emotionally, because it made him happy and as a result made me happy.

    I really hope you can help, i am going out of my mind,

    Kind Regards,
    Lizzy

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 17, 2017 at 8:35 pm

      Hi Lizzy,

      you feel disturbed because you know it’s wrong of him to ask what he wants you to do.. You just have to have self respect so that you know what he asks of you is wrong..15 days is too short..For me you should move on because the relationship is toxic and disrespectful but if you really want to try, do at least 45 days.

  2. Joanna

    January 14, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    Hello, thank you for this great article and the many others on this blog! I’m in a situation with my ex-bbf that was not directly covered by this article so I am hoping that you advise me on how long I should keep up NC. So the situation is basically this – I was in a relationship for 4 months and during that last month of this relationship one of my female friends starting flirting with me. I’m bisexual, so I was not uncomfortable with this except for the fact that I was already seeing someone, my ex-bf. This flirty friend had also flirted with my ex-bf in the past as well and she said a lot of things to indicate to me that she was hoping for a situation where all three of might have sex together. In hindsight, I realize that this was clear to she and I…but not to my ex-bf.

    At any rate, I told my now ex-bf about the flirting right away and that she had asked to kiss me at some point. We had a miscommunication where he told me he was fine with what was happening between she and I and even laughed about the situation! But what he actually meant was that he was fine with the flirting and was not fine with the kiss. This was unclear to me so I did go ahead and kiss her, thinking this was the next step in a progression in which all three of us would have contact. When I told him about it he was hurt and defensive, as if I had cheated. I was very shocked by his response and so I never managed to get it out of my mouth that I was not interested in her, just a potential threesome – not sure if that part matters but it bothers me because *to this day* he still does not know that, as I have never said it. I think he thought I just wanted “a side chick”. Big communication fail on my part there!

    At that point he took about a week-long break (during which we had no contact) and in the end he decided he wanted to break up. He admitted that he should have been more clear what he was and was not ok with, and did not try to blame me for what had happened. I could tell though, that he essentially reacted to this emotionally as if I had cheated. Yet, the official reason he gave for the breakup was that he sees me as friend. I think it’s possible that his opinion of me has simply changed throughout this process, but I also know he felt hurt by what happened and feels cheated on. I really want to call and explain the part about my interest in her only ever being related to him/all three of us, buuut I am already done with one full week of NC so I don’t want to break that rule.
    What I am wondering is if I should use 15 -days of NC as advised here or go through with the full 30 days? In general do you recommend that I treat this situation more like one with infidelity involved i.e. rebuilding trust, or more like one that needs to have attraction reignited instead. Or both, is that even possible? Sorry for the length of this post, and thanks in advance for your help! Best!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2017 at 4:31 pm

      Hi Joanna,
      more on infidelity involved.. try doing 15 days first, if it doesn’t work out, proceed to 30 days

  3. Betty

    January 3, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    Hi there,
    My boyfriend of 2 years has left me. We recently just moved across the country together. I previously had a relationship where I was cheated on numerous times in the past. Unfortunately, I never completed those grievances. I started to distrust my new partner and it snowballed. I was so full of anger and pain, I didn’t see my mistreatment of him. He said he hit his breaking point and he needed to leave the relationship. I know he loves me, as he said leaving was not a matter of love but a matter of being healthy.
    I am so sad and feeling so guilty. I never meant to mistreat my partner. He is a wonderful consious man and very independent. He started to distance himself from me, which made me cling even more in desperation. I have started councilling and will continue with that. I have moved out of our place and am staying at home right now. I know he is staying in this new place. He is so full of resentment and anger towards me. He doesn’t want me to talk to him, I have started NC and want to give him his space. My only fear is that I ruined any chance.

    Any advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2017 at 2:58 pm

      HI Betty,

      change, that’s just it. You won’t have a restart with the relationship, if you don’t start with yourself.

  4. Leia

    December 1, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Hi, Chris.
    My case is very complicated and I need some help! I’ve been broke up with my ex for 2 week because I’ve lied something big to him. I’ve visited the theraphist and she said that I have some mental problems that can be cure. He has blocked me on every single SNS but he doesn’t block my phone number so I can call and message him. I’ve told him that I’m not that type of liar he thought like my theraphist said but he won’t believe that I think cause he keeps listening to my friends that doesn’t like me a lot and they told him that I cannot be trusted.

    By the way, when I broke up with him someone has flirted me and I went on a date with him and then my ex thought that I’ve never love him! Now I have broke up with that guy cause I think that my ex is better cause he always pull out the best of me that no one couldn’t do it.

    How can I earn his trust back and how could I getting him back? At least just a friend is OK than somewhat of this situtation. I’m still trying your theory and it worked sometimes cause recently he accepted my gift that I gave to him as an apologize but he didn’t unblocked me yet so I really need your help cause now it’s nearly his birthday and I wanna give him something he won’t forget. I’m trying to change myself even my best friend told that I’m better than yesterday so I thought I could have a chance!

    Thank a lot

    1. Leia

      December 12, 2016 at 7:11 pm

      Hi, Amor.
      Well, thanks a lot. I decided to keep no contact rule until New Year so maybe send him some New Year Wish is great? FYI, right now I asked my friend not to send me his status and I didnt stalked him since then.

      By the way, even I won’t contact him on New Year, his birthday is on January so I think it’s gonna be great if I send him a brithday present? Or maybe I don’t have to do anything and just sit back waiting for him to contact me?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 14, 2016 at 8:38 pm

      I think a gift is too much. Especially now that you’ve broken up and you haven’t rebuilt rapport. You can greet him, but don’t give a gift.

    3. Leia

      December 6, 2016 at 5:31 pm

      Hello, Amor

      Well, I decided to follow your adivce and guess what? That’s work! Wherever, he said he doesn’t give a f**k with me anymore he’s still stalking me and my bestfriend has captured me his Facebook status a few hour ago. He still doesn’t unblock me on Facebook yet so literally I cannot see it by myself.

      He said that he was shocked by the facts and everything I have been through but in the bad way ,though. And that’s all. He is shocked that why I’ve mentally problem all the time he with me.

      I don’t know what to do next! This kind of reaction is kinda weird for me actually. Seem like he’s still thinking of me but I don’t know which way. Since the NC period isn’t end yet so I think it gonna be bad idea to contact him first right now. ( I decided to use this rule since I found your website 😉 love this )

      Thanks you guy soooo muchhh xoxo
      Leia

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 10, 2016 at 6:35 pm

      Right now, focus in improving yourself and think about the situation too. If you need to extend the no contact rule, do so.

    5. Leia

      December 5, 2016 at 10:54 am

      Hi, Amor.

      Yeah, I like the advice above. Okay, now I’m keeping the distance from that friends right now and I’ve never stalked my ex since I asked you. You know what happened? My bestfriend’s just captured me a screenshot that my ex post a status on his Facebook that he wanna know all the truth right now but I’ve keep no contact rule with him. I made my twitter account to be private so he couldn’t stalk me and that’s got him nut! Since I’ve broke up with him I told him that all the facts he wanna know is in my twitter he can look for it there but right now I locked it so he couldn’t do that. He said that he will never care of me again!

      Help! Should I let him see the truth and contact him again or keep the no contact rule until he contact me first? I can’t bear if he will got away from my life forever.

      Thanks you guy so much!
      Love, Leia. ❤️

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 4:14 pm

      it would be better if you unblock him.. but don’t add him back.. the posts in your social media account are you indirect way of showing that you’re moving on because in that way he will see your improvements while you’re not talking to him

    7. Leia

      December 1, 2016 at 7:18 pm

      I haven’t told you something that he has been living with his ex girlfriend all along when we are in relationship too cause she said that she doesn’t have anywhere to go cause his place is near to her university. That’s suck and he has been lied to me all the time too that his ex never live with him even when I went to his place.

      By the way, I’ve forgive everything he has done cause mine is worse than his. And now his ex is still haunted my life. She said she is going to getting back with him. Although, he has told me that he doesn’t love his ex as much as me but how I can prove that? I’ve used my friend SNS to stalk his life and he’s still posting about me sometimes so I thought that maybe he’s still have feeling for me. That’s why I really want to win his heart right now. Please help.

      Thanks.

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 1:36 am

      Hi Leia,

      if you’re friends doesn’t like you, they are not your friends.. And don’t stalk your ex.. What do you think about the advice above?

  5. Mandy

    November 29, 2016 at 5:46 am

    Hi 🙂
    I went through this website when I had a first broke up with my ex ! After that thank Chris we got back together and he has slowly changed himself to be a better bf for me !
    He is a British and I’m from Asia ! Met in our country and living together ! culture different We had couple fights but got over it and make it up eventually !
    Right now is found out I made couple lies about small things which makes him thinks : He changed so much for me and yet i couldn’t tell me the smallest thing ! It makes him wonder what else I am hiding from him.The fact that i didn’t go to work was so minor but I couldn’t tell him instead I would lie about work and Manipulate others to make them not send me pictures
    I understand he doesn’t trust me anymore ! I tried to prove it to him other than that i have always been honest with him !
    Today is my first day doing NC rules ! But according to my friend told me he went out with her 2 days ago and my female friend told me that I think he has a feeling to me and I might too ( which my female friend just broke up as well )
    I don’t know this time can I actually get home back since we have been together a year and I flew to London with him to visit his parents and he came home with me to meet my parents
    Sorry I try to make this comment as short as it could be ! Please help me

    1. Mandy

      November 30, 2016 at 5:20 am

      we are still living in the same city and yes I did explain to him why I lied
      But he doesn’t look like he is buying the reasons !

      Also He hanged out with our mutual friend sherry last Sunday !
      I got Sherry’s messages around 4 and she told me :
      Mandy… I have to be honest with you I think Connor has feelings for me.. and I might too.. but I’m not ready for anything and I know your hurting which is why I am trying to not make anything serious….
      He told me that he can be friends with you
      But he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and I’m sooo sorry to be the one to have to tell you this

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 30, 2016 at 8:52 pm

      Ok.. well, right now, don’t chase.. Let them be.. Improve yourself, show you’re moving on..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2016 at 8:09 pm

      Hi Mandy

      did you tell him why you lied? Where is he now? You mean he’s going out with your friend?

  6. Summer

    November 23, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    Hi,

    When your ex has lost trust in you how do you build it back when they say they need space?

    Summer

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 26, 2016 at 12:02 pm

      Hi Summer,

      Give him space.. what about the advice above? Do you want to try it?

  7. Sam

    October 16, 2016 at 3:08 am

    Hello I liked your ideas .. My ex and I never met in person I met him in an website and then we started a magical relation step by step we became mad about each other, we had a plan to meet next Novmber in his country to arrange for the marriage. We was talking to each other every day about 10 hours a day without stops we enjoyed that so much we worked while online together we ate we did every thing. Some times he gets very busy with his work and had to disconnecet with me for days that of course made me upset and I started acting like a crazy woman I sent him many many texts, fc, what’s app, line, every where and toooo many, I called him tooooo much like 20 calls or more a day .. He wasn’t happy with that but since he loves me and knows how much I love him he accepted that many times. Last week we talked to each other as usual and he promised me to call me in the morning but he didn’t till this moment, I started that crazy acting again I called him every single day for more than 20 calls, I sent him more than100 text, he didn’t answer me after two days he saw my Fc and what’s app messages and didn’t reply. I saw him online and talked to him and he totally ignored me. It is now 2 weeks since we last talk to each other. I know lam crazy but why he is not talking to me all of sudden. I started the no contact rule yesterday, today is my second day. It is not easy, what am not sure about is how to recontact him again? Now I am waiting my visa to his country, if I get it, my flight should be on the first of November. Should I tell him I am coming ? Can I just drop by his work without telling him I am on his country ?? I am not sure what to do I need your advice plz.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      Hi Sam,

      No matter how long your relationship was, if you never met, it’s not a real relationship.. I know I can’t stop you from going there. But, I”m telling you, don’t go there. You don’t really know him.. You don’t even know what he’s really doing when he goes missing for days.. You need to move on but I doubt that you will. The least you can do is to do the no contact rule. Start 45 days of no contact rule after reading this and focus in having a real life in the real world. Not to find a rebound but for improving yourself. Improve your self esteem by doing the things you love and meeting people with the same interest to make new friends.. Join a class of volunteer..

  8. Chloe

    October 5, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    Hello!
    I posted on here about a week ago and i have been doing the no contact, my ex however text me the other day asking how i was doing and has been very friendly towards me and making conversation, today he text me saying how sorry he was during the end of the relationship. He’s been talking to a mutual acquaintance about us and saying to him that he still cares and that he’s going to take it one step at a time and he got worried when this acquaintance told him that I have had previous ex’s contacting me trying to worm back in. I’m a bit confused, i’m not getting my hopes up though. Do you think I should ask my ex out right if he wants to get back with me or should I be patient and leave it until he makes the first move – if he wants to get back – I don’t want to come off desperate so I would like your professional advice before I do anything rash!
    Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 7, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      Hi Chloe,

      nope don’t ask him.. if it comes to a point that he doesn’t ask you until after the no contact period, you can initiate texting but still, don’t ask about your relationship.. Just slowly build rapport.

  9. KCee

    September 22, 2016 at 1:22 am

    Hello Amor, since I posted last, my bf and I have gotten back together. I want to thank you and Chris for all of your help and information. After seeing each other a few times and him wanting to initiate sex, I had a discussion with him asking what he had in mind going forward. I let him know that I would not and could not be friends with benifits. I mentioned that I needed some reassurance that he was looking to resume our relationship and to move forward in it. He did give me that reassurance and stated quite clearly that he was interested in being together as we were and how much he enjoys us together. At this point we are doing very well.
    A question I have for you now is to ask how if at all can I let him know or encourage him to include me in interactions with his two children. He has one who is 16 and one 19. Both live with him. Approx. 3 or 4 months into us seeing each other he invited me to go to 2 or 3 soccer practices for his son, the 16 year old. I went every time he invited me and let him know how much I enjoyed it. He and I had fun while there and I feel I was attentive to the practice and followed my bf’S lead as to how much he and I visited during the practice etc. He seemed to enjoy having me there. For the last few months however he has not asked me to go again nor to any of the actual soccer games. I always ask how practice went and about the games as well, trying to show my interest. With his issues of commitment, I am aware that this can be a common practice of keeping family and friends separate in order to not feel too committed. This hurts me however as it makes me feel that he doesn’t want his children to get to know me because he doesnt view me as a permanent fixture in his life. He has introduced me to some of his male friends all of whom really liked me. He has told me that a few times. He even invited me on a bike trip for 3 days back in July with several of his guy friends. It went very well. We are 7 months into our relationship. Is it too soon for me to expect him to bring me into his kids sphere? How can I address my desire to be included at times with them both in connection with soccer and also other activties? I don’t think he has dated many women over the last few years so I don’t think it has to do with not wanting to bring “too many” women into their lives. This is weighing on me and making me feel a little disconnected and leary of his objectives. Please advise if I can bring it up to him and how I would do so. Thank you Amor.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 23, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      That’s good! Congratulations! Why not try initiating activities instead? Or just asking casually like, “I don’t have anything to do at this day, I was thinking of watching his soccer game, I enjoyed it the last time, would it be alright with him if I watch again?”

  10. Salvatore

    September 21, 2016 at 6:49 am

    Im a guy and have been single for over 16 years, i have no trust and respect with women period, i hsve learned to treat them like dirt its what they deserve. most women i have encountered are gold diggers, superficial, manipulative, pathalogical liars, drama queens, too emotional and self centred.

    If ever a woman cheated on me, i would throw out her belongings, burn them and change the locks, with me you only get one chance.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 22, 2016 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Salvatore,

      Why so? Hmm.. I wonder why you would even give one chance if you really don’t trust women.

  11. AG

    September 10, 2016 at 2:45 am

    Hi,
    I really hope you will read this and replied to me. I obviously just broke up with my bf for a year and came across this site. A year ago, we broke up once because we went clubbing and I got so drunk and I kissed someone. We had a bad break up but eventually we got back together. We had trust issue for the past year. We tried to work things out, work other issue too. But I always feel distant with him and emotionally not connected with him. I brought it up a lot of time with him and we always fought and argued about it. He shut me down whenever I raised my emotional needs. And he ignored me and didn’t talk to me for a day or two whenever this happened. It depressed me and I couldn’t sleep or eat and I will just cry. I needed to let it out and I have this good Friend of mine whom I always chatted to whenever I’m upset. I’ll tell him my situation and will cry to him and he will normally advise me or just listen to me. My bf didn’t know about this and I didn’t tell him. Scared that he will get even angrier to me. So recently our situation got worst, we quarrel almost every 3 weeks and we didn’t talk and ignore each other for days or week. I felt so distant with him and I had to give in and talk nicely to him in order for him to start talking to me again. So during that period, I met this Friend of mine and talked to him about my situation. And my mistake is that, I lied to my bf when he asked whom I went out with. 4 days ago he found out about it and he was so angry to the fact that I lied to him and he just dropped me in the middle of the road and left me basically. I texted him that I’m sorry that I lied and told him my reason that in scared he will get angry, etc and said I just need to have someone to talk to. He didn’t buy it. He kept msg me all the nasty word and saying he can’t trust me anymore etc. He even accused me that I cheated on him! Which I didn’t!! He is a very temperament guy btw.. So basically he said it’s over, and I said sorry and thanks for everything and then his last msg is about me not being ashamed after I cheated on him. That was yesterday and I didn’t reply him ever since. So what should I do now? Do I have a chance to get him back? Should I keep the no contact rule? Many thanks for the advise..

    1. AG

      October 16, 2016 at 12:35 am

      Hi,
      I didnt get my stuff back still. I msg him twice asking for it again after his last msg but they were ignored. I think I will just give that up. And I think he’s just mental and crazy and sick and not worth my time. I don’t want to get him back. Myself worth more than that. Turned up it wasn’t that hard to move on from toxic people.. Thank you tho for all the advise 🙂

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2016 at 10:16 am

      Ok AG.. That’s good.. You’re definitely right.. Don’t hold on to toxic people!

    3. AG

      October 2, 2016 at 11:55 pm

      And also, what does that msg even mean? I thought we were over like a month ago and he made it clear. And why he repeated the msg again? And does it even mean he is still thinking I cheated on him? What was on his mind?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 5, 2016 at 9:35 am

      yeah, it looks like he still thinks you cheated but at least he’s not that angry anymore.. that means it’s ok to ask for your things..just dont do any relationship or feelings talk when you meet

    5. AG

      October 2, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      Hi,

      I haven been talking to him since my last msg. Which is a week ago.. Today he suddenly msg me

      “I am sorry. But what you’ve done there’s no turning back. And although you’re not saying it. I know what’s happening.

      Thank you for loving me as well and for the good times we have had. I don’t forget that. But that’s in the past, before you decided to change and make wrong decisions. I’m very sorry.

      Take care”

      What should i do? I haven’t got my stuff back to.. Should I stay nc?

    6. AG

      September 24, 2016 at 8:09 pm

      Thanks for the advise. Even if it’s not such a precious stuff, I have a lot of my daily stuff there (clothes, make ups, my Son stuff and toys too). What if he throw it away or burn it? (Just because he’s a jerk sometimes) still 30 days nc?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 25, 2016 at 9:55 am

      Oh ok, he may think they’re replaceable.. That is so not nice.. I think he’s just angry.. let him cool off.. He might have just been using those to piss you off.

    8. AG

      September 24, 2016 at 3:35 am

      I said “Hi, I still have stuff at your house. I would like to get it back. Will you be free this Saturday?”
      He replied “Go fuck yourself with your new bf”
      I replied “Hey can you grow up please and stop being childish? I already said sorry and own up to my mistakes which was lying and Not having bf or having sex with anyone!”
      He replied “You bring him along to f1 and call that nothing? You are not that hard to read”
      I said “You can assume whatever you want, but you have no right to accuse me and call me names based on the assumption you made out in your head. we broke up and you ask me to leave you alone. So i cant go f1 with you and does that mean I can’t go to f1? So can i have my things back?”
      He said “You think I’m stupid? If you didn’t do anything wrong or wasn’t cheating on me, then why would you need to hide it from me and control jayden from telling me. You also cheated on me with this old ugly asshole and by hiding from me that you went to the beach alone. You’ve cheated on me and still deny it. This old asshole even been to your house. (I don’t know where he got this from but no one came to my house).You’re a liar and nothing but a cheating fucking low class slut. You even now talk like a slut! I didn’t expect you expect you to stoop to such a so low mental level, become so low class and dirty! You said last year was a mistake and I forgave you but you’re still the same. You mix with low class girls.Whether or not you want to acknowledge or deny it, the facts speaks for itself. I don’t want to ever associate myself with someone like you ever. You’re fake.

      I don’t care what you think about me either. But if you think you can hurt my feelings with what you’ve done to me and think by talking like a slutty bitch and just saying sorry, disappear thereafter and expect that I be nice to you – you’re obviously underestimating me and forgotten who you are dealing with. You don’t show me any respect and neither will I. Im much better than that and I deserve someone better than that. Your stuff is all gone.”
      And I said “you asked me to leave you alone. This is exactly what I did and this is why i disappeared. Is my stuff really gone? Else can you just leave it at the door and I’ll ask or to pick it up? Thanks.”

      Those were 4 days ago and he didn’t reply Nor I message him after that.. So what’s next? Continue nc? I still can’t get my stuff back 🙁

    9. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 24, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      Yes, you need to continue nc.. If it’s really important, just wait for him to cool off but if he knows it looks like he knows it’s not that important to you because if it is, he would have just given it.

    10. AG

      September 20, 2016 at 6:25 am

      Hello,

      Thanks for the advise. I’ve pretty much taking care of myself now. I msg him to get my things back, nicely. Only talked about that, and he verbally abusing me again. Calling me names and said he won’t return my things!!! I’ve tried to explain again to him and focusing on getting my things back but he kept replying all the abusive words! Please advise on what I should do! Thanks..

    11. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 21, 2016 at 5:54 pm

      how did you respond to it? If you really need the things, have someone else get it.. If not, it’s better to not get it now..

      If he responds like that, tell him

      I’ve already explained and I understand that you dont believe me. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or offended you by messaging. But if it’s more comfortable with you, I’ll have another person(sibling, girlfriend, any girl) pick it up instead of me.

    12. AG

      September 16, 2016 at 12:11 am

      Hello,
      I haven’t spoken to him for a week since my last msg proofing that I didn’t cheat on him. He replied me on Tuesday which I ignored and he said why did I even need to explain that to him and it even frustrate him as I shared intimate conversation with guys, etc. So basically he sent a very Long text saying all the things he didn’t like in the relationship and how he can’t trust me anymor because I lied to him and it shows that I didn’t only want him, etc. I ignored that msg and haven’t contacted him since. He unfriended me on Facebook btw, and now I bump into him on tinder!! He put his bare TOP picture on tinder and some bio.! Next week I wanted to ask for my stuff back from his house too, which means I will probably need to end the NC rules! What should I do??? What was on his mind at this stage and how can I get him back? Thanks.

    13. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 18, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      It’s ok to get your things, as long as you only talk about that. If you had an argument, that means you have to restart nc.. If you can hold off getting your things that would be better, but if not, it’s ok to get it.. Whether you restart the count or not, you should focus in improving yourself. If you are going to get your things, look your best and be calm and civil once you’re there.

    14. AG

      September 12, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      Hello,
      Thank you for the reply. I’ve texted him a closure msg yesterday giving him all the proof of my conversation with my friends. Hopefully he read it which I doubt so. I will keep the no contact rule then. Thank you.

    15. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 13, 2016 at 8:41 pm

      You’re welcome!

    16. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2016 at 6:56 am

      Hi AG,

      You’ve explained, the other guy explained, for me that’s enough. The more you talk to him, the more he will vent out his anger..Give him space to think.. Do 30 days nc and avoid going out with your friend for now..

    17. AG

      September 11, 2016 at 6:00 am

      Just to update, he msg me again asking why I cheated on him which I replied after that and said I didn’t cheat on him.. And now he said again don’t lie to him and I didn’t reply after that. Now another problem is that, this guy Friend of mine msg him in Facebook without my approval and Told him that he wanted to clarify the misunderstanding. My ex bf didn’t even read the msg and ignoring my Friend. And since then we haven’t been talking. What should I do???

    18. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2016 at 6:56 am

      Hi AG,

      You’ve explained, the other guy explained, for me that’s enough. The more you talk to him, the more he will vent out his anger..Give him space to think.. Do 30 days nc and avoid going out with your friend for now..

  12. KCee

    September 6, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    Thank you Amor, your comments were very helpful. One clarification if you will. Could you comment on my question about whether the length of the breakup has an effect on the bf losing his romantic desire. As mentioned we were very sexually active prior to the short 3 week breakup. It’s confusing to me that he doesn’t seem interested in stepping back there at this point. I get that he may be testing the waters again. Should I just focus on building rapport rather than attraction so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to take the lead? Two days ago, I felt encouraged because we were texting and at his initiation, it naturally led into joking about a personal and sensual/sexual conversation we had. I felt that he wouldn’t joke about such personal things unless he was wanting to open that back up again. But then the next day he seemed real shut down and he isn’t making plans to see me or spend time together. When we were joking, I didn’t push the jokes to any conclusions making it look like I was desperate. It was all fun and lighthearted. I even employed the push/pull after several back and forth texts by indicating that I had to go and we’d talk later. As I said, the next day he seemed shut down, business like and short cut off answers. I actually felt like he was mad that I had ended the conversation the night before and was withdrawing due to that. (He can be pretty sensitive about texting and how they end) Anyway, I would like some tools to use to create Attraction” from him again. Is there a guide that specifically deals with how to do that?

  13. KCee

    September 6, 2016 at 12:54 am

    Hello Amor, I have a post/and questions on the “guide” called “How to handle sex with your ex”. Could you please read it also and give me your feedback. Thx.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 6, 2016 at 5:57 am

      Hi kcee,

      sorry for the late reply. Dont worry, I do reply to all of the comments, so when you dont have one yet, it means I havent reached yours yet.

      It would be better if you dont read too much into his actions so that you dont get dissapointed.

      It’s either he will ask to go back with you immmediately after being silent, he’ll be testing the waters first or he’s just being friendly.

      If you’re expecting too much and he’s still testing the water, he’ll feel pressured because in some way you will convey your frustrations to him and then he’ll realize your actions are the reason he’s not ready to go back with you.

      or

      If he’s just being friendly, then instead of attracting him back, you’ll confuse him because of course you’ll get frustrated with him while he has no idea why. Because he’s not doing the things he did because of the reasons you thought, he’s just doing them because he’s being friendly.

      Start to act from those two point of views. Let him be clear of what he really wants. If or when he has feelings for you again, he has to think that he has to verbalize his feelings for you because if he doesnt, he might lose you.

      So, that means no sex until he really says you’re back together. Because if it’s just actions and then you’ll have sex for that, that would be easy for him to get sex from you without committing. He’ll just be extra sweet and say sweet words in the right moment and then after he gets it, he’ll say he’s not really sure of what he feels.

  14. Maria

    September 4, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    My ex broke up with me a few months ago because we were fighting constantly and had started being very disrespectful to one another. We live together (still) but after begging and pleading I implemented no contact and started staying with family so I wouldn’t see him. This worked for me (temporarily) and he asked me if I wanted to work things out.

    Living together, it was hard to take the getting back together thing slow. I made the mistake of laying all my feelings on the table because he said he felt I was playing games and I must not of missed him. So I spilt my heart out and told him how much I missed him and how I had gone on a date but hated it.

    I moved back in for a week and we were great when we were together but when we were apart he was texting me saying it wouldn’t work bc he couldn’t trust me now that I had gone out with someone else. I don’t feel this should be an issue since we were broken up and I’ve since blocked the other guy so there is no communication. But he says due to his past relationships he just can’t trust me and doesn’t want to worry about what I am doing.

    Should I move back out of the house? Should I re-do no contact? Or have a ruined my chances all together?

    I feel like he is in no hurry to work things out bc he knows how much I love him and wE are stuck living together until our lease ends next year!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 6, 2016 at 6:20 am

      Hi Maria,

      have you talked to him that it was done when you were broken, so it’s not like you’re cheating.. if yes, and he still feels that way, then it’s better to move back to your parents house

  15. KCee

    August 23, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    I posted about this on another thread, but it got deleted when the site was updated.
    I’ve been in a six month relationship with a man in his 40’s. He’s a bit younger than me. We’re both divorced. He has commitment issues and fears due to his divorce. Early on with us, there were some issues between us due to that. Recently however things have been quite good with us even spending about 12 days together in a row with being at each others homes for dinner etc. It was a big step for I’m to have me to his house. He cleaned the apt. and made me a lovely dinner and wine and it was very sweet. That evening we were laughing and I spontaneously said “I love you!” He responded with “I love you too!” I knew that was a huge thing for him due to his fear and trust issues. I just smiled and moved on.
    The next evening I was in his neighborhood and decided I’d just stop by to visit and talk to him about some things that had happened that day. As I pulled into the parking lot I got very anxious and scared due to a previous experience where I surprised a boyfriend and caught him with another woman. It was traumatizing and ended the relationship. Anyway, When I got into the parking lot I made the stupid decision that I’d just walk around behind his bldg. just to see thru the window that he was home alone. It made sense to me at the moment. Well, he was outside with his dog and caught me. I didn’t think he’d seen me, only the dog, and I ran away because I was so humiliated. He knew it was me, but didn’t call out to me. I went home in a panic. I know, it all sounds so bizaar, cuz it was. The next day it all came out over the phone. I tried to explain but it all sounded so lame. He believed I was stalking him. I reasoned with I’m that I’ve never snuck into his phone or in any other was snooped. He seemed to agree that he knew that was true. Well, he broke things off with me over this. I actually didn’t quite understand the stand he took and the next day I texted him some other thoughts I wanted him to consider but it was to no avail. He left the next day for a planned vaca. I owed him money, quite a sum, for a job we worked on together. I did contact him to let him know I’d received payment and did he want me to just mail it to him. He texted no, I’ll get back to you when I’m back in town. He did this 3 days after he got home and asked if we could meet up for me to pay him. I agreed and we did. Then he sent me a text that said ” I want you to know I don’t hold a grudge against you. I don’t think any less of you. I still think you’re a great and wonderful woman. I want you to know that.”
    We met a bit later and he greeted me by putting his arm around me and kissing me on the cheek.. I did try to reason with him again about how I wasn’t stalking him but just reacted out of a momentary fear and insecurity. He didn’t move off of his decision. He did suggest however that he thought we should still work together on jobs when they come up if either of us need help from another. But I told him that I was struggling with the fact that it appeared to me that he must not have had a deep connection with me after all, if he couldn’t find a way to work thru this incident. He became defensive and irritated over that. We left the meet up place shortly after and he walked me to my truck. He was still mad and said, “This just doesn’t feel right!” I think he was referring to my accusation about not having a deep connection. He held me, kissed me on the cheek and then we left.
    The next day he texted me with “I didn’t like how things went yesterday. I don’t like what you said about me not having a deep connection. But I guess that’s how you feel!
    Since I hadn’t realized I should have been employing the No Contact, I responded with an explanation. Mainly told him I was sorry he didn’t like it and I wasn’t implying he didn’t HAVE one, but that my blunder must have been a deal breaker for him and I didn’t understand that. Don’t know how to feel differently. But hoping we can have peace between us.
    He responded with …he wants peace too, and that he realizes that this is about his trust and fear issues as much as what I did. That he is always true to me and to himself and he’s Man enuf to admit his share of blame.
    That texting was this past Fri. We haven’t talked or texted since. I am now employing the NC rule. I would have done so before but was unclear of his stand and wish to end this and felt so awful that I felt the need to apologize and explain (too much!)
    Having had 2 weeks to mull this over, I actually think that he may have pulled back from me even if this “stalking issue” hadn’t happened. It has happened before with him in the past, but not to this degree. I think it’s possible that my snooping compounded his fears and caused his severe reaction. 1. Do you think that’s a possibility? 2. Why was it so upsetting to him that I questioned his deep commitment that he needed to address that with me After he broke off with me in the text? 3. Was it just important to him to feel in the right or was it that he wanted me to know he had a deep connection? 4. How likely is it that he’ll respond to the no contact and want to pick this relationship back up, especially since there was no cheating, lying or controlling etc. ( Just suspected stalking) (Is that a #2,3,4or 5?) I do believe he loves me, but became very fearful and then used this situation as a basis to step way back. This is a very typical response from a commitment fearful person. 6. Do I need to employ the full 30 day NC or would a 15 day work here?

    1. KCee

      September 4, 2016 at 6:05 pm

      Thank you again Amor, I deeply appreciate your in depth replies. I think I mistakenly felt that when he reached out to me during NC and we saw each other he would want to pick up where we left off. I realize now it doesn’t work that way genearly speaking. I felt that since the breakup only lasted 3 weeks and he was in touch just 6 days into it with very positive comments that it would just snap back to where it was. Anyway, now that I know that’s not going to happen, I know my approach needs to be altered.
      The 2nd day we worked together seemed to go very well, with him opening up to me about some personal things and joking with me about some things related to he and I in a romantic and sexual way. This was a step forward from the day before which was pretty platonic and made me worry a bit because I didn’t understand it. I admit that I have a bit of concern that he he just likes to talk with me about his life and situations. I don’t offer him advice, as I don’ t want to be in that position in my relationship with him. I try to just listen and when appropriate, to offer understanding. But i also know he doesnt have alot of people to talk to about life etc. His family lives out of the country. I have a bit of concern that his ability to talk with me about anything may have been more of a motivator to reconnect with me than reconnecting romantically. (Although, his joking with me about our romance and sexual relationship gave me hope that he still has interest there too.) Am I correct in that assumption?
      When we went out for a drink together as I mentioned above after this job, he talked about several situations going on in his life and I mostly just listened. There was a little lighthearted joking as well. When it ended we walked out to our trucks and I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek, but didnt. I felt a little shut down, as I didn’t fully understand that he needs more time to make a reconnecting with me. I think he felt my shutdown a bit. He didn’t attempt to kiss me in any way either even though he has been kissing me on the cheek when we’ve seen each other at my house the day he showed up to return my vacuum. (And even back when we met up for me to pay him for a job a week after the breakup, he kissed me on the cheek and put his arm around me.) So, we just got in our trucks and left. He texted me a thank you for all the help on the job today and I texted him back and thanked him for the drink and snacks. He texted back that it was his pleasure he enjoyed it very much. I didn’t reply to this text because I was under the impression that I should still continue the NC since it hadn’t been 30 days. About an hour later he texted me again with a joking text about whether I was already asleep. I didn’t respond to that text either. Then I got your reply to my last post where you indicated I didn’t need to continue the NC at this point. So the next day I texted him a kind of lighthearted flirty text, thinking to make up for ignoring his previous two texts. It was a photo of something from one of the first jobs we did together and said “Look what I came across! Brought up fun and happy thoughts!!” He replied, “You still have that?” I replied back, “I know right? Maybe I kept it for sentimental reasons!”
      His response was to just say “Maybe.”
      We continued texting for a bit about a work related subject which also contained some light joking.
      My concern here is that he seemed to just dismiss my comment about keeping the item for sentimental reasons and I feel now that I took things too deep, too soon. It made me look like I was reaching too much to reconnect with him. It feels like he has pulled back and is reassessing things. I’m concerned that due to my lack of understanding about the reconnection process that I’ve made myself look too eager. I feel like not responding to his two texts that evening and then perhaps over doing it the next day that I’m coming across as confusing to him and a little errattic. This doesn’t feel good and I would like some feed back and reassurance about this. How can one correct a mis -step in this process and am I focusing too much on one detail? Even if my actions were a little off of ideal, can I rebalance it and should I be realizing that if he does still have genuine feelings for me, that a few mis-steps shouldn’t undo everything? I think I’m being a little hyper sensitive which is the other reason I wanted to do the full 30 days. I feel now however, that I can’t go back and reinstate NC w/o appearing erratic. I will be reading the guide about the Ungettable Girl. Thank you for any feedback. Again…

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 6, 2016 at 5:58 am

      Hi kcee,

      sorry for the late reply. Dont worry, I do reply to all of the comments, so when you dont have one yet, it means I havent reached yours yet.

      It would be better if you dont read too much into his actions so that you dont get dissapointed.

      It’s either he will ask to go back with you immmediately after being silent, he’ll be testing the waters first or he’s just being friendly.

      If you’re expecting too much and he’s still testing the water, he’ll feel pressured because in some way you will convey your frustrations to him and then he’ll realize your actions are the reason he’s not ready to go back with you.

      or

      If he’s just being friendly, then instead of attracting him back, you’ll confuse him because of course you’ll get frustrated with him while he has no idea why. Because he’s not doing the things he did because of the reasons you thought, he’s just doing them because he’s being friendly.

      Start to act from those two point of views. Let him be clear of what he really wants. If or when he has feelings for you again, he has to think that he has to verbalize his feelings for you because if he doesnt, he might lose you.

      So, that means no sex until he really says you’re back together. Because if it’s just actions and then you’ll have sex for that, that would be easy for him to get sex from you without committing. He’ll just be extra sweet and say sweet words in the right moment and then after he gets it, he’ll say he’s not really sure of what he feels.

    3. KCee

      September 3, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      Thank you Amor for going back and rereading my messages so as to have a more clear picture. I do want to mention that he, early on in the relationship, admitted that he has deep fears and commitment issues. So his admission and his severe reactions to certain normal things,, rollercoastering, did trigger my fears as well. He didn’t break things off with me after he said he loved me and I didn’t reply back. He just paused with his communication for a day or so. I did talk to him about why I didnt reciprocate his, I love you in the moment, and I did tell him then, that I did love him. I know it’s not the same as saying it spontaneously in the moment. But I felt we moved past all of that and had 4 months of continued relationship.

      Just to clarify are you saying in your last reply that since NC has been broken only half way thru, that I shouldn’t fulfill it now for an additional two weeks (especially after working together this past week) but to continue on as if it was fulfilled and to work on building rapport. At this point, should I respond to his texts etc. and to invitations to do things? I felt that I should continue it so as to allow him to miss me being in his life even more and realizing he is still attracted to me romantically. I do want to sleep with him again, he seems to be the one who doesn’t want to go there yet. Is there an article that will guide me to building rapport, not necessarily just thru texting but while in person?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2016 at 4:41 pm

      Oh sorry.. i didnt clarify. I did understand that it went that way before..that you didnt broke up and things got better.

      dont sleep with him again yet.. not until you’re back together. And yes, continue it like you’ve completed nc but dont stop improving yourself, dont stop having your own life and going out with others.. that’s how you dont look too available to him.

      You need to avoid appearing too available and wanting him back. Be the ungettable girl. When in person, make every interaction fun or light. Always look your best and if you can leave at high point do so. If not, make that day fun or dont be available the next day.
      Let him miss you. Absence creates mystery and then desire.
      You want to create that feeling of want, specially the feeling of not having you, therefore wanting you because you’re so beautiful and he feels so happy with you but he feels that he might lose you if he doesn’t ask you back..

      Commitment phobes dont like the feeling of being owned, or that you only make your world revolve around him, or you need him to commit.. basically it’s like reverse psychology. When he knows you’re not going to demand for him to commit because you’re not crazy about him and there are other guys that would be doing that without even asking, then he would more likely feel that he has to do it, for him not to lose you.

      If you havent checked this out,.please do: The Ungettable Girl

    5. KCee

      September 2, 2016 at 8:36 pm

      Thank you Amor, the update with this is that we did spend two days working together on a job. It was a little difficult keeping things on a purely business level as it is just the two of us there. I didn’t initiate any conversations and I tried to give minimal replies without being rude. Apparently he did notice a change with me because he commented that it seemed that I was a little “off” from normal. I just blew it off. I also decided to drive to the job by myself rather than ride together as we typically do. I know he took note of that. He also texted me a friendly text a couple of hours after we got home from work. I didn’t reply to it. One decision I did make that I shouldn’t have was to agree to go have a drink after work the last day because that is a ritual we always do at the end of a job. I caved in and went. Realize it would have been a good opportunity to show my detachment, but I weakened. Darn it!! I was disappointed, however because during the drink, it felt like we were just friends, due to his demeanor. It was upsetting to me.
      My question for you now is related to his demeanor. He seems to want to be connected with me. But he’s holding back from taking it back to a romantic level. Isn’t initiating any romantic kissing or getting together. It feels like he has friend-zoned me in this short time sice the breakup, but wants to be connected to me. Is it a typical response for a man who seems to want to reconnect to take it real slow in stepping back into the romantic aspect of the relationship? Especially since our breakup had nothing to do with cheating, but the “snooping” incident, only. (I suspect it has to do with his commitment phobia issues, as it may scare him to become so emotionally connected to me this soon after the short breakup. It’s a distancing tactic that CP’S use when their fears are in high gear.) Not that I would reengage at this point , but it’s confusing me that he’s not initiating it. Could he have decided he just wants to be friends after only 3 weeks of a breakup with me? Could he actually have lost all of his romantic feelings for me in that short of a time especially when we were very engaged with each other just a couple of days prior to the incident that happened. If that’s what has happened, how can I best reignite those romantic feelings in him, if possible? Is it with the continuation of the no contact for an additional amount of time? Is it just being patient and allowing him to feel safe enough to go there again? I assume that the only thing I can do is to stay busy and give him reason and space to realize that if he doesn’t step up that he will lose me. It was encouraging to me that after only 6 days of no contact he reached out (I didn’t respond) and then 12 days into NC he dropped by, which was when he told me that he missed me. It felt like he was intent on reconnecting in every way, but now with his “friendly” demeanor, I’m not sure. Please advise, Amor. Thank you for all of your feedback.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 3, 2016 at 3:57 pm

      Hi Kcee,

      I just read your previous comments.. your first comments was when you were only just 2.5 months into the relationship

      and the first issue was when he started pulling away that time because you told him, you need him to commit first before sleeping with him, and then he said I love you but you didnt reply right ahead.. after that he suddenly didnt text you like before..

      and then in your next comments you had dinner in his house, after days of being together and in the spur of the moment, both of you said i love you and then the stalking incident happened and he broke up with you after that..

      now, he’s starting to be friendly with you again..

      honestly in my perspective, he did have feelings for you, yes he has fears and issues from his past relationship but he’s not a commitment phobe..he’s just taking it slow because that’s natural.. you’re just 6 months in the relationship..

      this is not to blame you but you’re so hung up that he might be a commitment phobe, so you acted upon it. I do understand that it’s because of your past experiences.

      I agree to declining to sleeping with him before but when he said I love you, and then you didn’t reply back immediately, it showed that you’re the one who’s not really that into him or you’re building up walls.. Maybe it got him to thinking because first you dont want to sleep with him, now you’re not saying i love you back..

      and when things were starting to get good again,he sees you stalking him which, may have weirded him out or hurt him because it showed you dont trust him.. so apart from having walls before, you’re now being paranoid..

      Actually it’s normal that he will be friendly after the break up too. Almost all exes do that because they’re used to talking to their ex, until slowly they talk less to move on.. especially in your case, if you’re going to work together, he has to be friendly with you.

      But i think you have a chance.. Things didn’t end good. I think he just got tired of trying to understand you.. I’m not saying you should sleep with him but give him a chance. Let go of the idea that he is a commitment phobe. Yes, he has fears but we all have that.. And your relationship is too short to think about those things.. Just enjoy. If you dont want to sleep with him that’s ok. But dont hold back on having fun and making every moment count. And then dont always be too available too. Keep being the independent girl that he knew. Give him space from time to time so he can miss you.

      Right now, try that.. since nc is already broken, the best you can do is to continue improving yourself while slowly rebuilding rapport

    7. KCee

      September 1, 2016 at 3:31 am

      Thank you Amor. So I think you’re saying that after rereading my posts, you no longer believe that he “just wasn’t that into me?” I believe his distancing actions were related more to his “commitment phobias” than my “stalking” incident. I really believe that he would have withdrawn from me and created some reason to do so if I hadn’t done what I did. I believe it was triggered by the admission of saying he loved me. Unfortunately. Often many people, even those related to relationship counseling don’t fully understand the emotional rollercoaster of the “commitment phobe”. Often, we can be as confident and independent as possible and they still cannot commit. There is a website that discusses in detail what commitment phobia is and how deep the issues can be and how frustrating it can be to be involved with someone with these deep fears. My job now is to determine whether this is something I want to contend with in a relationship. The website I’m referring to is the most in depth study of this subject I have ever come across. Yu may enjoy having this info to refer to. http://www.commitment-phobia.com

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 1, 2016 at 1:44 pm

      I need to reread your posts, but I haven’t. I think I can go back on them in the next days. Anyways, commitment phobes aren’t actually insecure with themselves, they just don’t want to commit. Most of the times it can be because of a past experience but together with that, it can also be because they haven’t met that person that they feel they can’t afford to lose and because they know they will lose that person if they don’t commit.

    9. KCee

      August 30, 2016 at 8:47 pm

      Additional update: Last evening my bf showed up unexpectedly at my front door. His reason was to return a shop vacation he had borrowed a few weeks ago. He did not text me ahead to let me know he was coming so I was taken very off guard. I am 12 days into no contact. He greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asked how I was. We talked about work related issues for a few moments. I felt a little shut down as I was not prepared and a little nervous about how it was going to go. He asked me if I was willing to work on a job with him in order for him to complete it by Sept. 1st. I must have had a surprised look on my face because he made a comment about my expression, and thought I was declining. He said he misses me and our conversations etc. A few moments later he gave me a full on hug and said “I’ve been missing you!!”.
      I indicated that I would be OK with eloping him with this job. I frankly was so caught off guard by the visit and his expressions that I couldn’t think clearly about how I wanted to handle it and whether I should agree to help him. He seemed very genuine in his expressing about missing me and it made me feel very hopeful. I didn’t hear any more from him last night or today so far. He’s likely working on another job he’s doing and tied up. I’d like some feedback on his visit and expressions to me and whether I should have agreed to help him him. Also, do I now go back into no contact and if so I’m hoping I don’t have to start over as I didn’t initiate this nor did we discuss anything about our relationship except for him saying he misses me. I felt that I was friendly w/o being overly gushing and tried to keep it to business. Can you direct me to info mow, about how I handle from here on if it does lead to more interaction and contact. I want to be causously optomistic. Thank you.

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2016 at 1:45 pm

      sorry Kcee! I answered in your other posts. I thought it was related to this one and I didn’t copy paste it. I”m just going to copy paste it now.

      Oh! I’m sorry! Well, that’s good.. you can accept the job, just do minimal contact.. dont mention about nc.. I’d have to reread your previous comments and get back to you..

      and check this article out for working with an ex:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

      and about the podcast..Chris will notify you via email but sometimes he forgets so, it’s better if you keep up to date with the new posts

      in regards to this post.. just continue on with the count of no contact.. no need to restart..and keep improving yourself.. it looks like it’s working

    11. KCee

      August 30, 2016 at 3:40 pm

      I noticed my last comment is no longer being moderated but yet there was no reply to my comment. I was so hoping for further feedback as I felt there were details that were misunderstood or misapplied to my situation. I would be grateful if you considered it and replied. Thank you.

    12. KCee

      August 27, 2016 at 5:41 pm

      Thank you, it seems there are a few things that you may have misunderstood. Just to clarify, he didn’t break up with me before this incident. This incident was the catalyst that brought him to do it, unless you’re saying that he had intended to in his own mind, and I just didn’t know it yet. But, we were in fact spending alot of time together(about 15 days in a row) up until the day prior to this happening, and everything was going very well. If he wasn’t that in to me then why did he have me over and make dinner and say he loved me too and heavily pursued me through the 6 months we were together? The dinner and the “I love you too” happened just 2 days prior to the incident.
      I haven’t brought the stalking up to him again, except initially, the day after it happened when I apologized and explained that I wasn’t stalking but just had a momentary insecurity. The only other time we discussed it was when we met up so I could pay him. That was when I relayed my past experience of catching a boyfriend with another woman. I thought it would help him to understand my fears and why it created my “stalking” actions. After that it hasn’t been mentioned.
      Also, I’d like to clarify that I haven’t been needy with him. Have had a full life etc along with my relationship with him. He often commented that I was a very confident woman and knew if he wasn’t doing something with me, that I’d be doing something with friends etc.
      I feel confused by some of your reply, which is why I wanted to clarify these things, to see if your opinion might change about him just not being that in to me. If he wasn’t he sure acted like he was.
      I did start no contact 8 days ago. Two days ago he texted me to see how I was doing and to say hello. I did not respond. He hasnt tried again. Yet. It felt to me that it was a good sign that only 6 days into no contact he texted me and that he seems to care about how I’m doing.
      I would like you to comment on my question about whether I should ignore him if he contacts me about working on a job with him during the no contact especially if I need the work. Would I accept it but then employ the info. about “No Contact” rules if you work with your ex?

      Please give me feedback on these clarifications. Thank you

    13. KCee

      August 23, 2016 at 11:35 pm

      PS: How do I regain his trust if we do reconnect and if he continues to feel I was stalking him. Also, we are not connected on Facebook or other social media so how can I employ him seeing me moving on etc. w/o being able to use those forums? And lastly, if he were to contact me to help him on a job during the 15 or 30 days, would I ignore that even if I needed the work? Thank you for reading all f this and answering each question. I deeply appreciate it.

    14. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 27, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      Hi kcee,

      sorry for the late reply. I hope this one works
      https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-if-he-doesnt-contact-you-during-no-contact/comment-page-13/#comment-22449

      1) Move on from the stalking issue
      If it was a big deal, he wouldn’t have talked you again after that.. the more you bring it up, the more he will think about it and then later on would agree with you
      2 &3) “But I told him that I was struggling with the fact that it appeared to me that he must not have had a deep connection with me after all, if he couldn’t find a way to work thru this incident. “– you said after all. He might have felt attacked, because he did have feelings for you, it’s just not that strong but with your statement, it sounds like an accusation.
      4) We cant guarantee that the no contact will work..
      5) The incident is just one thing, he broke up with you before that happened. So, it means he’s just not that into you.. Let’s say the stalking incident lessened your chances but continuing to apologize or mull over it will not improve your situation..

      6) With how anxious you are now, I think you should do 45 days..

      If he really is a commitment phobe, and ok, let’s address your worries about the stalking incident. Let’s say it did have an impact then it’s not trust that you should build.

      It’s confidence and being independent. If he sees you’re the type of woman that he always has fun with but is great independently, beautiful and doesn’t need him, has a separate life or world apart from him, it would make him want to commit because he will get attracted to you and he knows he’s not a loss in your life. There will be other guys and he would be afraid to lose somebody that is so great that he has connection with

  16. Katie

    July 20, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    My ex and I dated for 3 years. We had broken up a few times for maybe a week or so but never anything too serious. Throughout the relationship my ex always had a hard time trusting me as I would often be caught it little white lies. I never lied about anything serious and he never suspected me of cheating or anything like that though.

    Anyways a few months ago I decided that I wanted to end the relationship, I go to college and my ex doesn’t and I felt like I wasn’t experiencing college life enough, ect. So I broke things off with my ex and just a few days after slept with someone else after a college party (I know, so dumb).

    At this point I knew that my ex would never want to get back together with me after I slept with someone else so soon. I ended up sleeping with this guy 3 more times but he was a complete asshole and I never was interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

    I honestly didn’t expect my ex to want to get back together with be because before, it was him initiating the break ups. But after a few weeks without hearing from him he started to beg for me back. I didn’t know what to do because I thought he would move on. He would constantly come visit me and call me and tell me how mush he missed me.

    When he started doing this, I realized that I meant more to him than I thought and I also realized I wanted him back. But I had already slept with someone else. When my ex asked me if I had been with anyone since the break up and I told him no and he believed me.

    We had planned a month long vacation with his family before the break up and decided to go on it still. About a week into the vacation he finds out about the guy I had slept with by looking at text messages with my friends. (we were very open about going on each others phones). Anyways he freaked out and I knew he was angry but we still had a 3 week vacation left.

    He told his family and they all agreed that I didn’t do anything wrong and these situations are part of life. However my boyfriend as extremely high standards and I knew that he was crushed. While we were still on the vacation he asked me to tell him everything about my relationship with this other guy and I did. He also said that we would try to work on the relationship. We completed the vacation together acting semi-normal but I could tell that he was still bothered.

    I asked him a few times during the vacation if we would be okay when we got back home and he said yes, but I had my doubts. When we got back home he asked to talk to me the next day.

    He came over and laid it all on me, he was furious. He told me that he could never be with someone who would do that to him..ect. Told me that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. Of course I was hurt but I understand why he was so angry, I would have reacted the same way.

    My entire experience with the other guy has really taught me a lot about relationships. That temptations happen and sometimes you question the relationship but that this feelings pass. Now, I know that I want my ex back more than ever.

    I texted him asking to talk and begging for him back for a few days but now have been in no contact for a week. Today, he posted a Facebook status about how he has never felt more excited for life and is so happy to be “out of a (way too long) draining relationship”. This really hit me, I can’t believe I made someone who loved me so much now hate me.

    I am willing to do absolutely anything to make this relationship work. Again, my ex has extremely high standards and would never get back together with me unless he truly believed it was best for him.

    Do you have any advice??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 9:26 am

      HI Katie,

      cut all ties with the other guy first and then continue being active in no contact.. His family even said you didn’t do anything wrong.. So, just let him cool off for now..

  17. Amanda

    July 3, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Hi

    I recently broke up with my bf. He fell for another girl at his university (ohh we were in a long distance relationship) I got mad when he said he would like to befriend with a girl because he once promised me that he wont care about other girls because he got me,and it was more than enough. But then I agreed right after he convinced me that they will remain as friends. My insecurities got the battle of me and i stalked him and even broke into his fb account. He was upset when he found out. I asked him did he have fallen for her,he said yes and he couldnt control his feelings he said. He apologized and asked me to leave him alone. He even said he didnt trust me anymore aftr what i’ve done (stalking and broke into his fb & insta). He broke me up and asked me to get the fuck out of his life. I apologized on my wrongdoing but he said it was too late. I think its unfair tht he decided to leave so sudden. After all,i found out that hes happy with the new girl,and ignored my chats,replied me shortly and didnt even care about me anymore. Is it possible for me to get him back? I still love him :’)

    1. Amanda

      July 9, 2016 at 10:48 am

      well, its okay then. I’ve decided to move on. Love isnt a thing to be forced to,it comes naturally. Im glad I met him. We spare each other a heartbreak and believe that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for a gentle advice and tips :’)

    2. Amanda

      July 8, 2016 at 12:31 am

      by then, i still can get him back?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 8, 2016 at 1:01 pm

      it’s not a guarantee but it will increase your chances..especially if he views you as the chaser

    4. Amanda

      July 7, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      active nc. is it possible ?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 6:03 pm

      oh, active no contact means being active in improving yourself in health, wealth and relationships aspects of your life.. relationships with other people in your life.

    6. Amanda

      July 6, 2016 at 9:38 pm

      He did have fallen for her. He got fed up with me.

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 3:48 pm

      then decide if you want to move on or do active nc

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Amanda,

      did he really fell for her or he just said thay out of anger? are you going to do active nc?

  18. Krist

    June 26, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Hi,

    My boyfriend recently broke up with me on June 19th because he believed I was cheating on him. I was talking to another guy, but just as friends and he knew I had a boyfriend. I tried explaining this to him, but he wasn’t hearing it. We got into a very heated text argument 2 days after we split. So on June 22nd I apologized to him saying that I was sorry if me talking to another man hurt him and told nothing ever happened and nothing ever will. No reply to my sincere apology and I went into no contact after that. I’m no longer speaking to the man he thought I cheated on him with(this guy friend asked me out and when I told him no he flipped out on me). What else should I be doing?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 28, 2016 at 12:32 pm

      HI Krist,

      WE actually addressed that in this post:How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Thinks You Cheated But You Didn’t
      you can try Chris’ advice there.

  19. annie

    June 23, 2016 at 11:38 pm

    Need some advice:

    I lied to my boyfriend (currently still my boyfriend) about something silly almost a full year ago. I can’t even remember what the lie is, but according to him i lied about the other men i was dating when he thought we were exclusive and i thought we weren’t.
    I thought he had forgiven me, but he’s been acting really distant, stopped putting in effort into our relationship and unless i talk to him or call him, i rarely hear from him ( i do but not often). I asked him why this is happening and he said he doesn’t know if he wants to be in this relationship anymore BECAUSE he can’t trust me since i was honest too late after i had been dishonest. This happened a year ago and when it did i apologized and i thought we worked things out. Since then, i have done everything to show him that i am being honest and not hiding anything, i changed my behavior and i can give a list of times when i was honest right away instead of waiting a day or two. He knows this too, i would think.

    When he brought it up again, i apologized and i asked for his forgiveness, but he said he wasn’t sure if he could forgive me. He is still staying with me and still keeps saying he’s not sure if he wants a relationship, but he answers my calls and my texts and we can talk 2+ hours sometimes. He hasn’t made any plans to see me though. After i apologized i told him that i had been making an effort to show him that i am honest and i am trustworthy. It destroyed me knowing that i had lied since honesty is one of my main principles, so i worked hard to never lie again.

    Now i don’t know what to do. I can’t make him forgive me, but he’s stopped putting in any effort and i feel like i’m chasing him. What would you do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 28, 2016 at 7:26 am

      Hi Annie,

      I would talk to him sincerely and calmly and ask him what the solution can be.. and then I would live my life normally in a way that I can improve myself. Because, if you can do the solution, do it but if he says he doesn’t know, then you have to keep in mind that you’ve apologized already. You can’t control when he can forgive but that can’t be controlling you on how you should live your life.. Initiate having fun with him, if he doesn’t want then don’t be angry. Ask your friends to do or to come with you instead. Just don’t lie.. but continue on how you would live your life, instead of waiting for him to change how he would treat you. Because in that way, he’ll see that it’s not healthy to hold an ill feeling while you’re moving on in life and wanting to be happy with him.

  20. EBR Team Member: Amor

    June 15, 2016 at 4:22 am

    HI Ashley,

    have you apologized? apologize first and then cut ties with JL.. I’m not saying that will solve it but that’s the first step and then start with no contact before slowly rebuilding rapport again.. Keep in mind that it’s not a continuation of what you had before.. basically you’re starting from scratch

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