Have you ever felt that everything was going well in your relationship, and then your ex randomly started pushing you away?
Sucks, doesn’t it?
It’s so much worse when you have no idea why your partner was being distant or how you could have fixed things.
Today we’re going to talk about why people push their partners away and exactly how to get an ex back that did this to you.
Understanding the Common Reasons Men Push Women Away
The very first thing you need to do in this situation is to get into your ex’s head and figure out why they pushed you away.
After all, how can you find a solution without properly understanding the problem?
So one of the things I did in preparation for this video was asking real men and women why they pushed their exes away.
We got several responses from our private Facebook support group, and as we looked through the answers, a common theme developed. Let’s see if you can spot it from some of these answers for why these people pushed away their ex/significant other:
- They cried too much
- They fought too much
- They were too clingy
- They were too controlling
- They were too negative
- They were asking for too much
- They were moving too fast
All these answers have one thing in common – anxiety.
These insecure behaviors spell out anxiety and constant fear of losing their significant other. Such obsessive, anxious tendencies can quickly overwhelm people, so ask yourself if you’ve ever displayed anxious signs like this before or immediately after your breakup.
These answers from our private Facebook support group closely relate to what we’ve recently learned about attachment styles. Since anxious behavior is one of the top reasons for exes pushing you away, it might be worth considering if you have an anxious attachment style.
Shift Your Attachment Style from Anxious to Secure
Attachment styles are the emotional and interactional backbone of how we behave in all relationships, romantic or otherwise. They guide how we maneuver emotional vulnerability and distinguish our individuality from a relationship.
Interestingly, most of our clients tend to exhibit anxious attachment style tendencies, while most of their exes tend to be avoidants. We’ll talk about the avoidants in a little bit but first, let’s talk about people with anxious attachment styles:
Someone who has an anxious attachment style is going to put almost their entire identity into a relationship.
They’ll constantly ask their significant other for reassurance, and they’re the ones who are most likely to blow their exes phone up after a breakup, even begging and pleading to fix things right away. They will do over-the-top stuff like showing up to their ex’s home/workplace unannounced or sending gifts to magically cure the relationship.
Now be honest – could you see yourself as this person? Chances are you probably have an anxious attachment style, and that’s okay. The important thing to remember is that your ex knows you were anxious and insecure during the relationship, but you should NOT reinforce that perception after the breakup.
Think of your breakup as an opportunity to rebrand yourself into a more secure individual.
If you keep showing anxious behavior like immediately begging for your ex back, you’re just reinforcing their belief that you’re a very anxious and insecure individual. One of the smartest things you can do for yourself is to shift your anxious tendencies into more secure tendencies.
You can really only do that one specific way, and that really requires time…
Using the No Contact Rule to Get the Guy Who Pushed You Away
Now we love the no contact rule here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, but we understand that some of you may have your doubts.
The no contact rule is often seen as a manipulative strategy to play hard to get, so your ex comes running back to you, but we don’t see it that way.
The no contact rule is a period of time when you ignore your ex and work on yourself. The focus of the no contact rule should not be to make your ex miss you; instead, it should be to focus your time on outgrowing your ex.
You’re probably thinking, “why would I want to outgrow my ex if I’m here trying to get them back? Often, when people go through breakups, they believe that their ex is their number one priority, which is the wrong way to approach it. You need to have more priorities in your life that you care about just as much as you care about your ex.
Sure, you may be rolling your eyes now but think about it – if your ex left you because you were too anxious, isn’t keeping away and working on yourself the best way to eventually get them back?
You need to shift the narrative from being the overly anxious ex-girlfriend to being the badass, independent, Ungettable woman who doesn’t care if her ex comes back.
So, you’ve figured out the reason your ex pushed you away, and you’re successfully enacting a no-contact rule; what’s next? You need to understand the real reason exes come back and how you can capitalize on that.
Why Do Exes Actually Come Back?
Exes come back when you have created enough nostalgia for them to want to come back.
Coach Anna and I recently did an interesting podcast episode about why exes are hardwired to care about you, and she had these amazing insights:
There’s complex physiology associated with romantic attachments that stays with us for most of our lives. Even after we resolve a romantic relationship, we have a remarkable ability to forget the bad parts and focus on the good ones.
Most people have a lost love that they wonder about, like someone who held your hand through really important moments that helped define you – this is nostalgia.
These feelings of nostalgia are very common, and people benefit from a state that they refer to as nostalgic reverie. They reminisce about the past at some point in the day…possibly several times a week. Almost no one reminisces on just once a month basis. It’s possible that we think about the past because it’s good for our well-being. Apparently, nostalgic reverie can boost our mood, our feelings of self-esteem, and our identity.
You can technically foster nostalgic reverie by exposing people to websites that promote feelings of connection to past lovers.
So we believe that nostalgic reverie is the key to getting an ex back that pushed you away, but you can’t just skip steps and jump into the nostalgic reverie phase while the hurt from the breakup is still fresh.
The smartest thing you can do right after a breakup is to take stock of why your ex pushed you away. Generally speaking, it’s going to be some type of anxious behavior that turned them off and made them think they could find someone better than you.
The next step usually is going through some period of no contact where you’re focusing on converting your anxious tendencies to a secure attachment style. You can do this by concentrating on things in the holy trinity of your life (health, wealth, and relationships) other than your ex, so you feel more centered and confident!
How to Create and Use Nostalgic Reverie to Get Your Ex Back
As previously mentioned, several studies have shown that certain romantic websites can remind people of the past and engage their nostalgic reverie. Well, you don’t need to create a whole website for your ex since you already have the tool you need…
Social media is the key to creating nostalgic reverie on your own.
We always stress the importance of social media during the no-contact rule because it’s the perfect indirect way to highlight your life and show off to your ex. Now you don’t need to be obvious about it; you’re supposed to subtly show them hints of what they’re missing, and those missed opportunities with you might help create that nostalgic reverie.
You can personalize those social media nostalgic reverie efforts by thinking back to things you both wanted to do together but never got a chance.
For example, let’s say you and your ex always wanted to go to Hawaii together, but life always got in the way, and you kept putting it off. But there was always a running joke that one day you’d both be in Hawaii.
Well, now that you’re single, maybe you can plan a trip to Hawaii alone or with friends without your ex. All you have to do is have a great time and post pictures of yourself doing it.
Seeing you fulfill your mutual dream alone will throw your ex into a perfect space of jealousy nostalgic reverie. They’ll forget about the bad parts of your relationship and focus on that one good part that makes them regret pushing you away.
When you’ve made enough social media posts to create nostalgic reverie within your ex, you can finally contact them again! If you successfully got through your no-contact rule, this conversation with your ex will set you on the perfect track to get them back.
To recap, here are the two main purposes of the no contact rule:
- Going into no contact as an anxious individual and coming out as a secure one
- Doing your best to ignite nostalgic reverie within your ex so that things so smoother when you reach out to them and start the re-attraction phase.
There are basically three sequential steps to getting back an ex who pushed you away:
- Figure out exactly WHY your ex pushed you away.
- Enact a no contact rule to focus on yourself and outgrow your ex.
- Create a nostalgic reverie that makes your ex reminisce about the good times and regret breaking up with you.