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79 thoughts on “Age Gaps With Ex Boyfriends (What They Mean & Do They Matter?)”

  1. Marie J

    March 15, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I hope you can give me some advice please. My ex and I broke up four months ago after a year together. We were best friends, had an intense, passionate, happy relationship and loved one another very deeply. We also work together, we have a significant age gap but we never noticed it in how we related to one another inside and outside of work and we were extremely close and serious about one another. However,he has been uncomfortable about what people think, he is concerned about other peoples opinions and told me out of the blue that he didn’t see a future with me because I will die and leave him alone. He also said he was worried about me aging and that I am too old to have a child with him. Prior to this he was talking about living together and hated being away from me, we just loved being with one another so much. He was quite possessive. Since the breakup we have both been absolutely devestated and for a few months he was pretty miserable and acted like a jealous, angry idiot. He went from such a happy focused guy to such a miserable guy.
    The past month he has been a lot better and he is starting to go out with friends rather than moping at home. Neither of us are dating anyone else. We did reconcile very briefly but he was distant and withdrawn after begging me to go back to him and said he can’t get past the age gap. It seems he sees me as a number rather than a vibrant, interesting and nice looking girl. It’s not like I’ve turned this age over night. He often said he hasn’t loved anyone like me. It seems such a pity to let it all go.
    It’s so hard because there Is still love between us. At least that’s what he says, although he appears confused as sometimes his words and actions don’t match, he has also said some unkind things although I can tell its because he’s upset. What can I do? I’ve tried the NC rule We have gone from being really crazy about one another to total strangers like we are both in denial of our emotions. I see him looking at me a lot but he hides it. He is very sensitive but I think he does see me as ‘really old’. I look great for my age and get lots of looks from men of all ages. Funny thing is he acts older and I act younger so it kinda balanced us out. I get some of his concerns but some of them seem so negative and a bit unrealistic. is it impossible to change his outlook? Do I just give up?

    1. admin

      March 18, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      I wouldn’t say its impossible but I am curious about something.

      You mentioned that you acted younger.

      Explain that a bit more for me.

    2. Marie J

      March 18, 2015 at 6:58 pm

      I guess my outlook on life is more of a younger person. While I have a serious side I can also be silly, fun, curious, adventurous. I’m not the knitting, talk about kids, gardening type that many my age are. Hard to explain really.

    3. admin

      March 18, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      And your age is?

    4. Marie J

      March 18, 2015 at 10:00 pm


  2. adele

    February 25, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    Age gaps don’t really read like a text book when the individuals aren’t really ‘of their age’ though – generally a 35 year old woman might be an issue for a younger guy with her biological clock ticking and wanting to settle down for example, but what if she’s not at that ‘life stage’?

    For eg – my ex thought I wanted marriage and kids *now* because I’m 35 – unfortunately I’m just coming out of a 10 year relationship & marriage (mmarried for 3) and that couldn’t be further from my mind – I’m acting far younger than him – (my ex boyfriend not husband….he’s 25 going on 35 compared to my 35 going on 25….).

    Unfortunately ideas like this that ascribe certain things to set ages don’t help – look at the individual and where they are in their life, *not* just a number 🙁
    (I know this is about me specifically but a generalization is just that and misses off many people that fall out of that range).

    1. admin

      February 25, 2015 at 10:05 pm

      I think actually the sterotypical idea of what women at that age want is hurting you.

  3. Love from London

    February 24, 2015 at 1:12 am


    I’ve just found your site:)) some great advice and tips…..I wanted to give you my view on age gaps. My ex is 53 & I’m 42 this week, we had a relationship for 4 plus years, I ended it beginning of January as it really came into focus that we both wanted totally different lifestyles, he was my married boss when we met, he made clear he liked me, he is a typical alpha male, knows what he wants and does not give up, he is also extremely wealthy and I a single mum of 2 great girls aged 8 & 12.
    I’m divorced 6 years, financially independent, have my own place, great friends (most who don’t like him, especially now) and really wasn’t looking for a relationship, I have a good relationship with my daughters dad, so no baggage!!!
    I rebuffed him for a long time, he was very determined to be my friend and mentor, which worked well for a while and we lost contact.
    I then bumped into him a year down the line and he had left his wife, got his own place and we started eventually dating. What he loved about me at first, he found exceptionally hard to deal with, my independence, my fiesty nature of not putting up with his BS and my ability to call him out on things….and my ability to take care of my girls and myself in every sense…..we were in love, smitten head over heels in love, planning to move abroad last summer, things then started to go wrong once he realised living with 2 young children full time, whne his were all grown up was a lot tougher than he thought, he backed off moving in together over here, but wanted to still live together abroad??? Yeah right?!? How does that work?? …I decided against moving abroad with him, was honest and caring about him pursuing his own happiness….now here’s the rub!! The response I got was verbal abuse and threats?!?
    So basically, he wanted me to move mountains, uproot my kids and move to Spain, in the middle of nowhere so he could retire and play golf all day while I was stuck in a foreign land, apparently being financially cared for but completely lacking everything that makes up my life…..so I ended things, no contact from my end has been good, but he constantly calls, emails, sends me fb requests and messages begging me to go back….I don’t see how we can make it work, my life are my kids, they need me and I want to be there for them, I couldn’t imagine swapping the daily love and relationship we have in return for being cared for and controlled by him….the age gap is big enough for me to be modern in outlook and him to be archaic, he wants to be top dog, no questions asked as his father was at hom when he was growing up. He hates me having make friends ( there’s nothing romantic in it ever) , he feels insecure as I’m younger and apparently get hit on regularly ( I wish) …..the age gap, makes a blended family impossible his children are independent and he didn’t raise them, he was busy working hard to provide, he doesn’t get that I want to raise my girls myself, not have nannies and stand ins!! He thinks everything has a price and can be bought with enough money…sadly not me…I say sadly as the money would be nice but not in return for free will:)) so age gaps don’t work in my opinion….both parties need to be on the same page and stage of their lives……thanks for reading and your patience. Love from London

    1. admin

      February 24, 2015 at 9:28 pm

      Glad you found the site!

      I think you bring up some really interesting points about age gaps.

      In your case the fact that he thought he could buy everything really hurt your relationship.

    2. N.M

      March 2, 2015 at 5:31 am

      Im glad I didn’t burn my bridges to be with my much younger guy, ie social ostracism in my country etc, cos now I get constantly told im older, he wants to party n I am more home loving.
      Same stage in life says it so aptly.
      Like the gentleman who wants to lead a retired life, my younger guy just wants fun but if I need to go to the doctor, he would be out with the guys…
      I’m happyfor you Love from London , you came to your senses in 4 years,
      I on the other hand am in still in denial after 11 years, cos where else do I go at this age, he’s living off me and yet he’s not there for me anymore, now he says he can’t be seen with me, he just wants fun, you can bet he won’t be around if I fall sick. And if I’m not getting the attention I want, why do I need him? Why?
      But again like ohsnap
      Not only a younger woman may want marriage, kids the works!
      A younger guy also may realise what Has he got himself into, being with this fat old hag who is no fun, she just keeps nagging about remorse!

  4. Ohsnap!

    February 14, 2015 at 6:12 am

    I think your commentary is interesting but very generic. For example, it is completely different when the guy is younger than the woman. It also depends on how old the guy is. If a man is 30 plus, then he is not a boy. He is a grown man and usually knows what he wants. If he falls for an older woman, the best thing would be to define the relationship. Does he want kids? Marriage? If the woman is past childbearing years, then he knows this going in. Older women, on the whole, are secure, know what they want and what they don’t want. They usually are not in a rush to marry. Children are out. They don’t need someone to support them. The relationship, in that case, can be on a whole different level. Now if it’s the reverse, a younger woman and older man, in my thinking, it’s more complicated. She does want, marriage, children, financial support. Whole different ballgame.

    1. admin

      February 16, 2015 at 10:54 pm

      Thanks for the comment!

      Maybe I should hire you to write!

      You make some excellent points.

      OH SNAP!!!

    2. N.M

      February 27, 2015 at 7:14 am

      While he may Know going in, that there won’t be children, he may be immature and think it won’t matter, but few years down the line , his friends are getting married and having babies and he’s stuck, his parents pester for grandchildren n all that, then where is this secure lady going to be? The rules maybe set in the beginning, but when they change, who’s to stop him from leaving, and the lady is all alone after investing many years into this relationship!

  5. Lee

    February 13, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    My ex boyfriend was 14 years elder than me. im in my 20s we met in SD, then we were forced to separate after we got together a week. i went back to my home country so we are thousand miles apart. thing didn’t go well after a month, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. but i wouldn’t say it’s a not successful relationship. after all those 6 days i spent with him was wonderful.

    1. admin

      February 16, 2015 at 10:49 pm

      So, you only dated 6 days?

    2. Lee

      February 17, 2015 at 3:09 pm

      yes. too little huh?
      but it’s fine for me.
      If we want, we will definitely meet each other again. im off to SD at the end of the summer again.

  6. Shannon

    February 12, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Hi Chris. I’m 21 days into NC. I’ve done everything you said to do during no contact. Can I text him now? Or should I wait 9 more days?

    1. admin

      February 16, 2015 at 10:21 pm

      9 more days.

      Doing good Shannon!

    2. Shannon

      February 18, 2015 at 12:05 am

      I caved and I did text him ugh. He didn’t get back, and idk if it’s because he doesn’t have his phone because I remember him saying in February he’s gonna be gone for a month for training. What should I do now? I’m gonna completely listen to you chris from now on I promise. Please reply. I need your help :/

  7. Allison

    February 11, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    I have a question, that doesn’t necessarily have to do anything with the article. Is it normal for a man to be distant when in a relationship? I’ve been seeing a guy since September and of course the first few months were amazing but recently he’s been distant, and he doesn’t display affection as much as he used to. Is this normal?

    1. admin

      February 16, 2015 at 9:53 pm

      Yes, some men can be distant…

      However, if it is a consistent thing and he is distant in non normal situations it might be an issue.

      Has he always been distant?

    2. Allison

      February 21, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      Well no, that’s why I brought it up last Saturday because it had been going on for a couple weeks and I was concerned. I told him I felt like he was being distant and that if he didn’t feel the same or if something was wrong please tell me, he never responded. It’s been a week and we haven’t contacted each other at all. I didn’t want to text him again because I didn’t want to cause an arguement. I’m assuming it’s over because we normally talked everyday and hes been all over social media this past week, chatting with a new girl. I just find it really weird that this happened, we almost never fought and were happy together for the most part.

  8. Lauren

    February 10, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    This article came at a perfect timing. My ex is 12 years younger than me, we were together for 1 year and split up but we were still very attracted to each other. I suffered a lot after the split up, but being more mature than him i went on with my life. After more than one year he’s now back. But the weird thing is, I can now see how immature he is. I still love him on a certain degree, but deep down I know it’s will never work out for us.

    BUT, as you said… it all depends on the individuals. My previous ex was 10 years younger than me. I tend to have younger boyfriends as I look younger than my age and sometimes it is a real curse. Despite this, even if I’m approaching the 40’s, I have a very uncommon lifestyle and I’ve never wanted to get married or thought about having kids.

    I always thought that if I found the right person then it will be a spontaneous decision. My ex (the one 10 years younger), was 25 when he proposed, he had a stable career and we were living together for a few years already. I ended the relationship as I realized that he wasn’t for me.

    That said, i tend to agree with your theories, I’m an exceptional case…in general I find the age gap to be a big problem when the girl is much older than the guy, because of social pressure and the clock ticking. If the woman wants to settle down, I strongly advise for her to find a partner who is max 6/8 years younger, or she’s gonna be in trouble sooner or later. The ugly truth! 🙂

    1. admin

      February 11, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      I think your a unique situation because most women want the things you don’t seem to want.

      I do agree with your 6-8 years younger comment 🙂 .

  9. C.D.

    February 10, 2015 at 3:13 am

    I’m dealing with a 15 year age gap. He’s 25 and I’m 40. What was supposed to be a “fling” has turned into a 7 month long situation. I insisted that we don’t define what we have and “go with the flow” and he agreed. I however, do have standards on how I wanted to be treated and I reciprocated those expectations. Long story short he started to get flaky and do the “slow fade”. I immediately caught on and before he could fade any further and implemented the NC immediately. We are now into day 7. He has tried to contact me twice (He’s that passive aggressive egotistical dude you talked about earlier). The first time I didn’t respond. The second time was on day 5 my birthday in which he wished me a happy birthday. I waited more than 24 hours to respond a neutral “thank you” and he waited 45 minutes to respond an equally neutral “your welcome” and I didn’t respond anymore. Did I fail to mention this is also a long distance situation? Long enough where we don’t see each other daily but we still see each other at least every other weekend. I am using this NC period to really think about if I want to pursue this or allow him to go ahead and live his life. He and I both love each other but are at very different points in our lives and I don’t want to be selfish but I do love him. This NC will not be a problem as I have no shortage of things to do that keeps me busy and I do plan to go full steam ahead with it. I want to contact him around 45 days or so but I am confused at how or even if I should. He has a very convincing poker face (mine is equally convincing) and I am 100% positive he probably won’t try and contact me again and I am going to have to be the one to initiate contact. I don’t know if I am asking for advice or just needing to vent but any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    1. admin

      February 10, 2015 at 3:59 pm

      Well, you set the standard by not defining things so he probably thinks he can get away with a lot.

      My advice would be you break the ice first after NC.

  10. Georgette

    February 9, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    Only two comments on this post, compared to other posts!

    I’ve been happily married for nearly a decade in the big age gap category. We were fortunate that neither of us wanted kids–that probably would have been the big deal breaker.

    1. admin

      February 10, 2015 at 3:38 pm

      I know…


      I thought more people would comment but I guess this isn’t high on the priority list. Anything about no contact gets a million comments haha.

      Anyways, congrats on your successful marriage. I am really happy the two of you figured out how to navigate the age difference.

      Also, thanks for the comment. Now we have four!!

  11. N.M

    February 6, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    You forgot 56/28
    The guy was 18 when he fell head over heels for the 47 year old woman! And now it’s ending at 29/57

    1. admin

      February 9, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      I would classify that in the “large age gap”


    2. N.M

      February 10, 2015 at 3:08 am

      Well are you writing a post on that?

    3. admin

      February 10, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      I wrote about the big age gap in this post haha.

    4. Confused

      February 10, 2015 at 1:11 am

      at least they lasted 11 years. You cannot say that for many relationships.

    5. admin

      February 10, 2015 at 3:53 pm

      That is a long time.. 11 years 🙂

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