Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

“I want to break up…”

They are the five little words that any woman who wants to have a long lasting relationship will dread.

If you have had the misfortune of being on the receiving of those words you are most likely left reeling and wondering what went wrong.

The truth is that there are literally thousands of reasons that a current boyfriend can break up with you. In fact, throughout the history of this site I have covered a lot of these reasons,

  • You being needy..
  • Him being needy…
  • You being emotionally unavailable…
  • Him being emotionally unavailable…
  • Cheating…
  • I think you get the idea here.

Well, today I am going to be focusing in on one specific reason and I have YOU to thank for that.

You see, a few weeks ago I sent out an email to my newsletter and asked you one very simple question,

“What do you want me to write about?”

In total, I got something like 500 responses all asking me to write about specific topics. Out of those 500 responses I chose the very best ones and it just so happened a lot of people were wondering if their ex boyfriend was breaking up with them to protect himself.

Diving Deeper Into This Guide

This guide is meant to accomplish a few things.

Firstly, like always, I want to teach you about men and how they think. However, since we are covering a specific situation here with men who break up with you to protect themselves I want to teach you about the minds of the men who could potentially be doing that to you.

In short, this guide is going to cover the following topics,

  1. Is it even possible for a man to break up with you to protect himself ?(The answer is yes. ๐Ÿ˜‰ .)
  2. What is going on in his head to make him do that?
  3. What can you do about it if it does happen to you?

Okie dokie.

Lets get started!

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Can Your Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?

protection

A lot of you may be wondering why I even chose this topic.

I mean, why would I make such a big deal about one small little situation.

I’ll admit that I am kind of shocked to be dedicating so much time to this little question but as I said above, this is what a lot of you wanted.

When I asked you ladies a few weeks ago what you wanted me to write about this particular situation came up on more than one occasion. In fact, it came up so frequently that I absolutely had to write about it. There was no other choice.

So, is it even possible?

Can an ex boyfriend break up with you in an effort to protect himself?

The answer to that question is a resounding YES.

Of course, you know me.

I don’t just stop at the yes. I give you more and more and more. So, in an effort to provide more value to you I have decided to inform you at how often this particular instance can occur.

How Often Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?

often

In a perfect world I would be able to assign a certain percentage value to the reasons for breakups.

For example, I could make some sort of claim like,

“10% of breakups occur because someone cheats and 20% occur because men are protecting themselves.”

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and as hard I tried for you guys I can’t assign a percentage for the protecting reason. The world and relationships are just to muddy for that. What I can do for you though is generalize things based on my extensive experience in dealing with thousands of couples.

While a generalization is not ideal I have found that more often than not my generalizations prove to be right.

In my opinion, men who break up with you because they are protecting themselves while not overly common are more common than you think.

I know that really doesn’t help you very much, does it? Well, it’s just that men who are protecting themselves are very hard to track.

For example, if the two of us were dating and I wanted to break up with you to protect myself I probably wouldn’t tell you that was the reason. What I probably would do is make up some fake reason so your feelings wouldn’t get too hurt.

Of course, this still really doesn’t help you very much does it?

Hmm…

Ok, here is what I am going to do.

I am going to give you a little cheat sheet. Think of it like me lending you my awesome brain for a few seconds.

This cheat sheet is going to teach you everything you need to know about what situations to look out for and in what situations your ex boyfriend is more likely to protect himself in.

The Cheat Sheet- What Situations Will Your Ex Boyfriend Be More Likely To Protect Himself In?

cheat sheet

In my experience there are certain situations that will make a boyfriend more likely to break up with you to protect himself.

I plan on covering those situations in this section.

Want to know what the situations are?

  • He Finds Out Your True Colors.
  • He Doesn’t Want History To Repeat Itself.
  • He Is Scared Of Getting Into A Deeper Commitment.
  • He Is Scared Of Your Past.

So, the purpose of this section is to give you a quick little cheat sheet that you will be able to glance at and determine if your ex could have potentially broke up with you to protect himself. In other words, if you were in any of these situations and your ex broke up with you when you seemed to think things were going well then you might want to take note.

Lets take a look at the situations now,

He Finds Out Your True Colors

true colors

What does that even mean?

Your ex boyfriend found out your true colors?

When everyone first starts dating they are on their best behavior. For example, when I first started dating my wife I didn’t want her to know that I was susceptible to a little jealousy here and there.

(Psst… I still don’t want her to know so don’t tell her.)

Anyways, when we first started dating I tried to remain as calm as I possibly could when any mention of one of her guy friends would come up. While I am very confident in myself I definitely don’t want to spend my days thinking of my (then) girlfriends guy friends. Heck, If I had it my way she wouldn’t say anything about them at all.

So, I would remain very quiet and standoffish any time the topic would be brought up. Now, I am not the type to tell a woman what to do in a relationship. I like it when people come to conclusions on their own so I just remained mum about the topic for the longest time hoping it would go away.

Eventually though, my wife started learning that I was not very responsive when it came to that topic and she found out my true colors…

My True Colors- I am definitely not a fan of listening to stories of my wife and other guys having a good time. Past or present. In other words, I can get jealous.

Look, I know that probably isn’t the best thing in the world for a relationship advice guy to admit but I know exactly how I am.

I get jealous where maybe someone better in that area wouldn’t.

I am a Taurus after all ๐Ÿ˜‰ .

Your Ex And YOUR True Colors

No one in this world is perfect.

Everyone has their flaws.

Some people are needy.

Some people are jealous (slow, embarrassed hand raise here.)

Heck, some people are just downright mean.

Now, here is the scary part. It is impossible to really know someones true colors until later on in the relationship.

(Remember, everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.)

I want to run a scenario by you.

Lets say that you and a new boyfriend just started dating and everything is great.

You love him…

He loves you…

All is right in the world.

You two are in that mushy stage where you can’t keep your hands off each other and you are always whispering things to each other like,

“Your the most amazing man I ever met.”

or

“Your the most amazing woman I have ever met.”

You get the idea.

Of course, a few months later your boyfriend begins to notice something. He begins to pick up that you are extremely needy and high maintenance. Now, some men can deal with needy and high maintenance girls but your boyfriend isn’t one.

In fact, out of all the qualities in the world.

A needy high maintenance girlfriend turn him off the most.

Now we have a bit of a problem.

All of a sudden that mushy happy stage where the two of you are living in La La land where nothing can go wrong ends and your boyfriend begins to think to himself,

“Oh my god… I can’t be with a needy high maintenance girl.”

This singular thought evolves and soon he comes to a sad conclusion…

“I need to break up with her to protect myself.”

Do you see how that worked?

Happy Stage Dissipates (leads to) Realization Of True Colors (leads to) Him Breaking Up With You To Protect Himself

He Doesn’t Want History To Repeat Itself

history

History is a funny thing when it comes to relationships.

Any time I write an article for this site I am drawing on my own past experiences either through my own life or through this site. In other words, the past I have experienced affects me and what I write.

Your ex boyfriend is no different.

It is entirely possible that he could be protecting himself with a breakup so his own BAD past experiences don’t repeat themselves.

Now, I actually have a real life experience to draw from to prove that this particular outcome does exist.

A good friend of mine ended up getting married at a really young age.

What is a young age?

Well, I personally think marriage around the age of 21 is a little below the norm.

Anyways, my buddy got married when he was 21 years old and he was with his wife for a total of three years. While I am sure they certainly had their honeymoon period that was abruptly ended when he ended up walking in on his wife and his best friend in bed.

She then proceeded to tell him that his best friend wasn’t the only guy that she had been with.

No, she had ended up cheating on him eight times with eight different men.

(FYI I have told this story on this site before if you were wondering.)

I don’t care who you are, an experience like that definitely makes an impression on you that will last forever.

How did my friend react?

Not well…

In fact, he ended up protecting himself so much from relationships that he hasn’t even been on a date with a girl in five years. Yes, you read that right FIVE YEARS.

What Kind Of Experiences Can Make A Man Protect Himself?

The way this works is actually quite simple.

If your ex boyfriend was dating you and he kind of gets the feeling that his own unfortunate history in relationships is about to repeat himself he will decide that the fastest way in which he can protect himself is to break up with you.

What I would like to do now is give you a list of all the types of experiences that can have this type of affect on a man.

  • If he was cheated on.
  • If he was in a long relationship that ended really badly.
  • If he had an abusive ex girlfriend (not you.)
  • If he was stuck in a relationship where he felt trapped or bored but didn’t do anything about it.

My point in giving you that list is actually quite simple.

If your ex boyfriend sensed any of these things during his time with you then he might take action to nip things in the bud so history doesn’t repeat itself.

For example, if he was with you and during your relationship you were constantly hanging out with other men then he is inevitably going to have this train of thought,

“I wonder if she is cheating on me? She is always around these other guys? What do they have that I don’t?”

Pretty soon, if the debacle continues then he is going to convince himself that you are indeed cheating on him or that you are a high risk of it.

So, what is it that he does to take care of this little problem?

Yup, you guessed it.

He will break up with you to protect himself.

He Is Scared Of A Deeper Commitment

star wars commitment

Some men are commitment-phobes.

In other words, they will break up with you because they are scared of commitment and this can be looked at as a way of them protecting themselves. In other words, a man who is truly a commitment-phobe is going to be protecting himself.

But what defines a commitment-phobe?

What is going on a mans head to make him a commitment-phobe?

Oh geez… don’t get me started.

Well, firstly you know you are dealing with a commitment-phobe when he has the following qualities,

  • Doesn’t Want Titles
  • Very Standoffish
  • Act Like They Don’t Care About Anything
  • The Marriage Factor

Like always, I am going to dive deep and flesh out each one of these bullet points. Lets start with “titles.”

They Don’t Want Titles

commitment

Men who are commitment-phobes aren’t going to want an official title.

You know, the boyfriend title?

A few weeks ago I wrote an article on why men won’t want to update their Facebook status to say “in a relationship” and usually an underlying cause of that is the fact that they are terrified of being labeled because in their warped mind being labeled a boyfriend can potentially end with them being hurt.

So, the best way to protect themselves is to not label the relationship.

After all, if you aren’t officially labeled as a boyfriend how can you get hurt, right?

They Are Very Standoffish

I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten an email like this,

“Chris, I have tried everything in my relationship to make it work but no matter how hard I try my boyfriend never lets me in. He is always so standoffish and any time I try to have a meaningful conversation he just shuts down.”

This is classic commitment-phobe behavior.

Usually you will get a guy who gives you mixed signals or is very hot and cold too.

For example, one moment the guy will be all into you and the next he is sad or depressed and its not even like he has to say anything for you to pick up on it. I mean, It’s almost like you can feel the energy between the two of you shift from a positive vibe to a negative one.

So, what the heck is going on for a guy to do this?

Well, usually what happens to a commitment-phobe is that he will go into a relationship (even if its not official) with his guard up.

gsp guard up

Then what usually happens is that your amazing personality, looks and charm start to work their magic and slowly but surely that guard begins to drop. All of a sudden he begins to have fun with you and starts to think that life with you isn’t so bad.

But then the worst thing ever happens.

A singular thought enters his mind…

“What if she hurts me?”

In other words…

anderson-silva-

So, what happens is after he has this thought he will put his guard back up and become very standoffish towards you.

This creates this hot and cold effect that you are constantly worrying about.

They Will Act Like They Don’t Care About Anything

I dont care

Last year I met a guy who I liked very much.

He had a good personality, seemed very family oriented and made everyone laugh a lot.

“Ok Chris whats wrong with him?”

Geez, you guys are harsh…

…..

…..

Ok, there was something a bit off about him.

He was haunted by his divorce and as a result kind of became a commitment-phobe to his current girlfriend. Of course, it wasn’t his girlfriend who told me this but it was him himself.

He actually told me without telling me.

You see, every time he would talk about his girlfriend he would constantly tell me things like,

“I don’t care what she does. She can go out to the bar any time she wants or flirt with any guy she wants.”

I remember at the time just nodding my head in agreement to not start an argument but the truth of the matter was that I was thinking,

“I definitely wouldn’t be ok if my woman started flirting with any guy she wanted. I think he was lying.”

Of course, the more I thought about it afterwards I began to see what was really going on.

This guy was absolutely burned by his divorce and it affected him on a deep level. So, in an effort to cope with it he put his guard up in a very unusual way. He began training himself not to care about anything bad that could potentially happen to him.

For example, if his girlfriend cheated on him he was training himself not to care.

If his girlfriend was emotionally or physically abusive, he would not care.

It was all an effort for him to protect himself by not getting attached to her so he wouldn’t end up feeling the sting he felt during his divorce.

The Marriage Factor

mawwiage

Here’s a fun fact about men that you won’t hear anywhere else.

Men are scared of marriage.

Actually, that’s nothing new…

However, what I want to talk about is the WHY!

Why are men so afraid of making the biggest commitment of all?

Why does it freak them out so much?

Well, it freaks them out because of a little something I like to call,

The Marriage Factor

What is the marriage factor?

I am so glad you asked!

The marriage factor is a certain thought process that a man goes through when he considers marriage to a woman.

I feel very qualified to talk about this since I just got married last year to a woman who completely destroyed my marriage factor.

Ok, the marriage factor goes like this,

Most men enjoy being single.

They like the way it makes them feel. They like that feeling of being free without having anyone to answer to.

I mean, when you date someone you have to basically check in with them a lot to let them know what you are up to. For some men this can be kind of annoying and makes them feel a bit trapped.

Oh, and in case you are wondering I am not even talking about marriage yet. Nope, I am just talking about a good old fashioned relationship.

Now, when the thought of marriage does enter the picture a man will usually get freaked out by a few things.

  • Marriage = A Lifelong Commitment To Just ONE Person
  • Marriage Usually Leads To Kids
  • His Way Of Life Is Gone

Marriage being a lifelong commitment is an obvious one. What isn’t obvious though is the kids factor. Call me crazy but I have a deep belief that most men out there are very protective towards their family and will do anything for their kids.

(There are definitely exceptions to this rule.)

However, when push comes to shove a lot of men step up and become great fathers to their kids. Of course, the introduction of a child into the mix means that a man can no longer hold on to his own selfish ways.

A man will have an innate belief that his every waking moment will be dedicated to his child and while being a father can be a very fulfilling thing you can understand how it won’t be appealing to a man who enjoys the freedom he has as a single guy.

Marriage usually leads to children…

Do you see where I am going with this?

When a guy starts to get wind of the fact that his significant other wants him to propose the marriage factor thought process is going to go through his head.

MF Thought One- “Oh my god…ย  I am going to have to be committed to her for life. What if things change?”

MF Thought Two- “First comes love… then comes marriage… then comes the baby in the baby carriage…. If we have a child my life is going to be over…”

MF Thought Three- “I am going to lose my friends… I am going to lose my late nights out… There is no way in hell she is going to let me keep partying the way I am now…”

So, with all of these scary thoughts swirling around in his head what does he decide to do?

Yup, you guessed it.

He decides to break up with you to protect himself.

He Is Scared Of Your Past

scared

Usually when you talk about the past the first thing most people think of is men.

“He has some serious baggage…”

“He just got divorced…”

“He won the Nobel Peace Prize a few years ago…”

Wait.. that last one doesn’t quite fit.

Let me clear something up.

When I talk about someones past I am not referring to their past accomplishments I am referring to their past relationships. More specifically, their past failed relationships and any baggage that goes along with those relationships.

Like I said above, most people immediately point the finger to men and the baggage they bring.

“Oh, he slept with 20 women in the past…”

Well, I hate to say this but women are just as guilty as men when it comes to their pasts. In fact, sometimes a woman’s past can be such a hard thing for a man to overcome that he will talk himself out of the relationship.

Let me give you an example.

Real Life Example

As many of more avid readers know I actually run two fairly large relationship websites, this one, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and another one called Ex Girlfriend Recovery. Well, my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery, deals specifically with helping men get their ex girlfriends back.

(Funny Story- A few weeks ago a woman from Ex Boyfriend Recovery told me that her boyfriend went to Ex Girlfriend Recovery trying to find advice on how to get her back. Meanwhile, she was on Ex Boyfriend Recovery trying to find out a way to get her boyfriend back. They were both using the no contact rule on each other when both of them wanted each other back. Of course, after the NC rule was completed they did get each other back but I digress…)

There is one fellow that specifically sticks out in my mind when I think back to my other site Ex Girlfriend Recovery.

You see, this guy got so freaked out about his girlfriends past that he ended the relationship to protect himself.

What was her past?

Well, lets just say that she was more experienced than him in certain aspects of love. More specifically, she had cheated a few times in the past.

Pretty soon this guy was convinced that his girlfriend would cheat on him no matter what he did since she cheated on her exes in the past. So, he broke up with her to “nip it in the bud” before the bud nipped him.

In other words, he was protecting himself…

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (270)

  1. Marie - 0

    Marie

    I’m 37 and my boyfriend is 54. We are both introverts and get along very well. Before us he hasn’t dated in over 8 years. He was with her for 15 years and she left him. I think he’s scared of being hurt and right now his only other friend is having problems with their partner and I think it made him think about being single again. We haven’t had any fights at all and we have so much in common. Anyways, this past weekend I didn’t hear from him at all(usually he does all the initial contacting) and then Monday evening he called and in a very abrupt conversation told me he was too introverted and not good boyfriend material and broke up with me. I was stunned. I could barely control my voice and tried to reason with him, but he cut me off and said it was him, not me and he wanted to get off the phone. (The phone call was just over 19 minutes long.) I sent him a text 30 minutes later saying…”I’m sorry I was emotional and kept you on the phone so long. The conversation was not what I was expecting. I accept you telling me the truth and wanting a break. Iโ€™d be happy if we were together right now, but I get it. Anyways, Iโ€™m really going to miss you.” I haven’t heard from him since and it’s now been a week since we’ve seen each other. I’m very confused as to what to do. I miss him so much. No contact seems ok, but what if he thinks I don’t care and he was right to protect himself? We also have personal belongings that need to be exchanged.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Marie,

      so you mean he wants you to chase? For your peace of mind, send a message. Ask him and explain your side. If he’s still decided then at least you both know you cared to ask him back before you ignore him..It’s ok to talk to him about stuff exchangibg5 during nc, as long as it’s only about that

  2. michelle - 0

    michelle

    So following on from earlier comments have finally managed to meet with boyfriend after doing a period of no contact to talk about his ending relationship by email, after 1 and 1/2 years together.
    I told him that we needed to communicate more about what was going on, and that the fact that he had housemates had made it difficult to talk sometimes when they were there in his house. While I understand they help pay the mortgage after his wife leaving, I understand this and don’t have a problem, but simply pointed out that it hasn’t made things easy sometimes for us to talk about more in depth things.
    He admitted that he was still holding a bit of a grudge when I contacted two of his friends a year ago after he was threatening suicide. This was after having a heart attack and his mother died, and with job issues, financial issues and major stress. He has previously tried this before when his ex wife left and had a bit of a breakdown, so I was scared and worried for him and told him this. Obviously he still holds this against me.
    I explained that he had been blowing hot and cold, and that it made me scared myself of being hurt. Previously he had said he was scared of falling for me completely incase he ended up getting hurt. I told him that we were both a bit scared of being hurt and that failing to communicate this to each other was resulting in both of us bouncing off each other and both perhaps being a bit distant when in company. In private we are very connected and affectionate with each other. In company there tends to be a disconnect, and I feel that he is reluctant to show friends or admit himself he is in a real relationship, because that may mean he faces being hurt if anything went wrong.
    I told him that this made me never sure where I stood with him. I also apologised for walking off when we had been out with female friends of his. Sometimes I feel in company with them he hasn’t been treating me like a girlfriend, but like just another friend, and it did make me feel a bit insecure as they are a very tight bunch (both male and female). It was like he was denying that we were together, engaged in deep conversation with them (female friends), but distant with me. He said it was because his ex wife didn’t like him showing any affection in public as he felt she was embarrassed because of his weight. I am a very in shape personal trainer and he told me how someone he knew laughed when he told them I was his girlfriend. And then asked what I was doing with him, and that I was way out of his league. This probably made him feel insecure.
    I have told him that I an not settling for him (as in hes not a second choice), and that Im not with him until someone better came along. He is very insecure about me as he is very overweight, and his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else saying he was too overweight and she didnt want to end up being his carer. He had a heart attack last year when I was with him, which resulted in me phoning for an ambulance.
    Despite telling me he loves me, introducing me to all of his friends (around a dozen), inviting me on nights out with his friends, and to friends houses on social occasions, telling me Im special, showering me with compliments, having me stay over 3-4 nights a week (always asking me down), cooking for me, buying me gifts, bringing me to meet his mother who was terminally ill every weekend for the 3 months before she died, saying we were a team, that my smile melts his heart, and that do we buy a house together.
    Now he is saying that he needs space, and that he can’t commit to a relationship at this time. Neither of us has been seeing anyone else for the year and a half we have been together. He says we have a great connection that you don’t find every day. Despite all this he says he just wants to keep things casual. Yet all of his actions speak otherwise. This doesn’t feel like a casual relationship to me. Does it?
    When we spoke, he said he missed me and then tried to have sex with me.
    Now he is saying that we can meet up next week, and he will start staying over at mine now and again, instead of me always staying at his (which I much prefer to staying at mine). He says we can take things really slow, but he needs space to sort his head out.
    I don’t want to lose him, as I think we are good together. He is 45, I am 46, so its not like we are 20 somethings.
    I feel he’s really scared of being hurt, overwhelmed with everything going on outside of the relationship, and he’s just completely stressed out.
    Any views and comments on this would be greatly appreciated. At the moment I am waiting for him to contact me. He said he needs space, so I don’t even feel I can text him at all, which is not good. But thats my fear coming through too.
    Some background, his father was always putting him down growing up, calling him useless, some physical abuse, emotional abuse and acting arrogant and calling him fat all the time. I think a lot of his self esteem issues stem from here. He’s a great guy and I love him to bits.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Michelle,

      you need to assess your non-negotiables. You say you’re not settling but right now you are, because you’re waiting for him to do something you want, which he doesn’t want to do. Whether it’s because of his issues or what not, it’s still something you’re both not agreeing with. You want commitment, he doesn’t. If you stay, that means you’re agreeing to the current set up. You really have to risk losing him because if you don’t, you’ll stay just the way things are right now. He’s old enough. He can handle himself. You’re not his mom nor his therapist, so staying doesn’t make him better, you’re just rewarding his behavior right now. If you really want him to change, you have to accept the fact that that’s his decision, not yours. So, talk to him. If you have already conveyed your needs or standards and he still isn’t changing to make the relationship work, then you have to move on.

  3. Leslie - 0

    Leslie

    My boyfriend broke up with me to protect himself. All the evidence is present:

    – He had his heart broken by an ex wife who left him and aborted his child all in a day’s decision.
    – His last girlfriend was insecure and couldn’t be trusted not to run off with another man.

    I am none of these things. I am one of your truly confident, self-assured women who realizes just about everything she wants in life… except this man, of course.

    We dated for seven months “long distance” (2.5 hours of driving… so we saw each other every 1-2 weeks worst case).
    It wasn’t easy – he was terrified throughout the relationship and along the way was often hitting me with “I don’t want a relationship” (then changing his mind) or “You know, I’m not head over HEELS in love with you.” Always keeping me at an emotional arm’s length. I was, am, head over heels in love with him since the moment I first saw him. I’ve always had a feeling that he’s the “one”.

    He’d started to settle in– hold hands, cuddle up more, talk about vacationing together, even going so far as to mention that he could see himself living in the area that I’m planning to move to…

    I spent two weeks away, and when I came back, an email:
    “You’re wonderful and blah blah blah, but I’m an idiot and I just don’t feel head over heels and we can’t continue because I’m at odds with myself.”

    We met up for lunch and he was all over the place. “Yes I’m sure, you should move on”, “I don’t know why I’m doing this”, “I’m going to miss this and this about you…”, “Don’t look for the reasons because I don’t even know them myself”. Etc.

    So then I went full NC on him. Put that baby right in the corner to figure himself out. I am 23 days in.
    Two weeks in I got a BS message saying “Hey Leslie, I hope you’re well. [Thing he was doing] went well. Little hello from Brittany. Kisses!” (He’s French, so we say things like “kisses”.)

    I didn’t answer, obvs. I’ve bought the book and I’m following all orders like a soldier.

    My question lies herein: I’m reading the section “What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind” and reading the list of resistances. Ie: Cheating, Neediness, etc.

    I never did anything wrong, our relationship was EPIC. Every weekend we spent together was just INSANE (climbing mountains, surfing, sleeping under the moon by a fire, etc), the sex was INCREDIBLE (for everyone). We never fought or even had tension.

    Maybe I was needy – if you call ONE text a day while on vacation needy. And then asking him to maybe answer one in six of my texts while I’m away. Pretty needy, right?

    No, he got scared off because I’m way way way in love with him and feelings are terrifying. And because a future with me might mean changing his life a little, although I’ve never asked him to change lives, move closer – nothing. Mind you this is all speculation — he doesn’t communicate or express anything of course. That would be opening up !

    Now, when I read the article and I think:
    What is he thinking about the relationship?

    That it was wonderful, that I’m amazing but that it could never have worked between us because [slew of dumb reasons because he can’t admit he’s terrified].

    And when I think of what his current resistance to “maybe I should get back together with her” is, the only thing I can think of is: “I can’t get back together with her because I am garbage and she’ll never take me back because I have completely messed up and I’m worth nothing an besides, there’s no future between us unless I want to move from where I am and I like where I am.”

    Yes we are dealing with one of the most insecure men I have ever met. That’s why I’m perfect for him.

    Right, get to the question:
    How do you deal with an insecure MoFo? Do the rules work the same if there was absolutely nothing wrong in the relationship and he’s just a total head case? Is a terrified man going to be inspired to come after what he can’t have? Can you change a man’s mind who thinks he’s unworthy and it’s impossible and he will inevitably get hurt by the situation?

    Thank you for your time ! I love your site because I love people and relationships and all this crud is fascinating.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Leslie,
      check this one:
      EBR 052: Insecure Ex Boyfriends And How To Handle Them

    • Leslie - 0

      Leslie

      Hi Amor,

      Thank you for your response. The article doesn’t pertain to my situation, as I didn’t cheat on or lie to my ex – I just loved him. He dumped me, afraid that he doesn’t love me enough. But I honk it stems from a lack of confidence in himself and his life.

      Are there any other articles about insecure men, ones that don’t involved guilt and remorse? I’ve done nothing to feel guilty about. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thanks,
      Leslie

  4. Michelle - 0

    Michelle

    So since my last comment and receiving a break up by email, I replied back same day by email telling him how I felt about him, and all the reasons I wanted him. Connecting memories, good times, insights etc. 2 days later I received another email saying how he was quite overwhelmed by my response and was also touched and honoured. Saying that I had a smile that melts his heart and my heart was like platinum. This hurt but also confused me as it was full of compliments. He said to respect his need for space at this time.
    I went down to his house 3 days later to talk as I didn’t think he would talk to me if I asked. He was very flustered (understandably). The meeting lasted around 30 minutes and we hugged at this time, and he said it was good to see me. He said he needed time to sort himself out and he was going to call me in a couple of weeks. It ended when I left and he said that he would call me in a couple of weeks. There was eye contact and I felt it went ok.
    Since then I have done NC and this is day 18. On Sunday it will be day 22. There is a big fireworks night near his house (which he helps organise). I am planning on going there to see the fireworks with a male friend of mine (who he has met a couple of times). When I run into him (which I will), he will be with friends who I have also met. I am planning on saying hello and keeping things light. And also reminding him to call me to talk maybe weekend after (that will be just short of 30 days) by then. And then leaving with my friend.
    We had such a good emotional connection, and I seriously dont think he is going to get from anyone else what he got with me. Part of me feels fairly confident that he definately has a lot of feelings for me, but I don’t want to ruin things at this stage. I also feel that I have handled things entirely how he wasn’t expecting and I suspect that my email response to him has seriously rattled his emotions, given that I suspect he has let me go to potentially risk me walking away, given that every other relationship has ended in girlfriends cheating on him. He is also very insecure (hes very overweight), that I would eventually have left him (which I wouldn’t). I really really love him and these last few weeks have shown me that as I have been thinking in a lot f depth about things. I believe he has an anxious avoidant attachment style too if that helps.
    Please help and advise? Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it would be better if you come with a group of friends..bringing just one guy would look like you’re just trying to make him jealous

    • Michelle - 0

      Michelle

      Yes he knows that this guy is just a friend as hes met him a few times. Latest is I received an email from him today giving me a catch up on everything thats been happening. He is under so much pressure.
      I replied back, and then he came back less than an hour later by email, and asked me if perhaps we could go away for a weekend together with his dog and chill out and talk. This was after I asked him 19 days ago that I wanted to sit down and really talk about everything with him. Since then I haven’t contacted him at all.
      So I am feeling hopeful, but he has also stated that he doesn’t know what hes doing, where hes going and what he wants, but he does miss me.
      Any advice would be so much appreciated.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yeah, I think you laying low, made him feel less pressured and got him to think. Just enjoy that weekend. If he has something to say, listen. If you want to say something, time it right. Say it when he’s in the best mood.

  5. Soph - 0

    Soph

    Hi there, I am in urgent need of help.

    My ex-boyfriend and I were in a relationship for 19 months. He is 28 and I am 22. I was his first girlfriend and he lost his virginity to me. When we first met, we hit it off right away and we fell deeply in love. It was incredible and like a fairy tale. After 3 weeks of being together, he said he loved me, which surprised me at first but I was flattered. I didn’t say I loved him until about 2 months into our relationship. After 3 months of being together, he phoned me up one day and said that he was worried that he wasn’t good enough for me and that he was too boring. He was worried that I would leave him one day because of it and that he had nothing to offer me. I met up with him afterwards and we went for a long walk and I reassured him there was nothing to worry about and that I truly loved him and that he was everything I wanted and more.

    For the next year or so, our relationship was great, and he told me that I was ‘the one’ for him and his ‘one and only’ (he called me this fairly frequently). This was also the first time I had ever loved someone and fully committed to them although I had been in previous relationships. We were both so smitten that we both worried about losing each other or one of us getting bored with the other. I had worries about initiating conversations on Facebook or calling him, because I was worried I would be a burden to him. Thus, he naturally initiated most of the conversations and when/where we would see each other, however sometimes 4-5 days would pass where neither of us would say anything to each other. I asked him about this and he said it was usually because he was waiting for me to get in touch first to ask to see him.

    I felt like I needed more communication but didn’t know how to get it from him as I was too worried/shy to initiate contact. He struggles with time management too, so I also didn’t want to burden him with conversations for this reason. Other men would start talking to me online and ask if I wanted to meet up with them. I struggle with making and maintaining friendships so I usually said ‘yes’ to meeting up with them in the hope of making friends (I get on better with guys than girls, always have done).

    14 months ago, a guy who I had met once three years ago (when I was single) and only ever gone as far as kissing with, started talking to me. He seemed physically attracted to me so I told him I wasn’t interested in anything more than friends and I told him that I had a boyfriend. He seemed cool and friendly about it, and asked me his name, profession, what he was like etc. He promised he wouldn’t try and make a move if I met up with him, so I agreed to meet up with him. I got in his car and we went for a drive, when he pulled up in a small remote village. It was dark outside and about 9:00 pm. We were just talking when he suddenly started groping me. I asked him what he was doing and re-instated that I didn’t want this. He raped me in his car. I didn’t scream or cry for help because my body just froze and went numb, and shut down. I started crying afterwards so he drove me back home. I got upset over this time and time again for the next two months when alone and by myself. It took me two months to tell my boyfriend. When I did, he freaked out but stayed with me because it was rape. He said he wanted to hurt this man.

    5 months later, my ex began to grow more distant from me. I felt in a way confused and unwanted. I had a work colleague who was initially my friend but grew more interested in me, although he knew I had a boyfriend (I told him this). I met up with him for a drink once or twice and on the second meet-up he told me he loved me. One day at work he tried to kiss me and he grabbed my ass but I pushed him away. After that incident, I unfriended and blocked him on Facebook. I told my ex after it happened. He seemed mildly annoyed and said it was ‘sexual assessment’. We didn’t really talk about it again.

    Due to my feelings of not being as wanted as I was during the earlier stages of our relationship and the lack of communication, we had some fairly petty and stupid arguments and I threatened to break up with my ex 3 times over the course of 3 months. One of the times, I got a call from my ex a day later saying he was sorry we argued the night before and that he felt terrible and wanted to make it up to me so we went out for a drive together.

    During these arguments that took place over the summer of this year, my ex would often say after them that he ‘needed time to think’. The first time he said that, I went over to his house to apologise and he said ‘there is no one in this world like you’ and we made up. The second time he said that, I again apologised and sent him many texts and messages explaining how I shouldn’t have ever met up with these other guys and that they weren’t what I wanted at all, I only wanted him. He said that I had played games with him and tried to make him jealous but I explained my circumstances and the lack of friends. We came to the agreement that we should give each other a bit of space and date/’see’ each other and just go along with the flow. In August of this year we trialled ‘dating’ instead of being in a relationship and that was really fun and worked well for about 2 weeks, but then we ended up in each other’s arms again and back together. The third time, he said he needed time to think again, so I backed off and didn’t contact him for three days. He agreed to meet up with me and talk. I fell into his arms and said that I was tired and drained by the fall outs over the past 3-4 months and just wanted to put it behind us. He used to say that I was ‘his home’, so I also said ‘you haven’t come home for months and I miss you so much.’ He gave me a big hug and we cuddled on my bed. I asked him when I would see him again and he said ‘tomorrow?’. I was so excited that night at the prospect of not arguing anymore and moving past everything and buzzing to see him the next day.

    The next day, he came round to my house. He said he couldn’t do this anymore and that the trust was broken. He said that he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He said that I had his body but not his heart. He said he thought I was the one. I was confused because the weekend before he had said he wanted to try again and start anew. I said to him that he had barely given us any time to try again (one week), but he said that we couldn’t get back together/try again this time and that he had made up his mind.

    He said he wanted to stay in touch. I suggested we be friends and we came to the agreement that he would still come up to uni to visit me and stay for those weekends. He said he would sleep in the same bed as me. I asked him if he would like to go out for coffee and drinks and do/see places with me when he came to visit and he said ‘yes, but we can’t be an item anymore’. I asked him whether he would like me to message him again or not and he said ‘yes, if you want to’.

    I maintained a fair amount of composure despite being shocked/upset, and I didn’t get down on my knees and beg or plead. I said that we didn’t have to be an item if he didn’t want to. After about 30 minutes, we ended up kissing and we had sex which he initiated. He said ‘I just can’t resist you’ and ‘I can’t help myself around you’. Afterwards, as we were saying bye to each other, I said ‘I love you’ and he said ‘I love you too’. We both hugged each other and he went home.

    Unfortunately, we had a concert booked for two weeks’ time from that date which we had both agreed to go to together. I didn’t contact him after the break up at all until 8 days later. I played it very cool, I initiated the conversation, asked him how he was and told him about how I was working on myself, had got a counsellor, and was getting a tattoo. He was receptive but didn’t show much emotion and treated me like a friend. I told him that I thought we shouldn’t see each other just yet and therefore should go to the concert separately. I also ended the conversation. I didn’t contact him the week after at all.

    I came home from university a week after our conversation for 9 days (as it was reading week) and he Facebooked me and started calling me because he had heard off my Mum that I didn’t want my ticket to the concert anymore (mainly said out of frustration because he kept postponing dropping it off at my house, which was his suggestion). He seemed reluctant for either of my parents to come and collect it off him (he only lives a 5 minute walk away), and as though he wanted to come round and drop it off personally. I didn’t respond to his message or call.

    Two days later, on the day of the concert, he called me up and I answered. He asked me what was happening tonight and where I was. I told him I was already at the concert venue. He said he would make his way to the train station. He texted me asking where I would be and where we were meeting. I said that I thought we had agreed to go separately, but he thought I had meant that we travel there separately and meet at the venue :S He said he wasn’t planning on going if I didn’t want to see him and asked me if I wanted him to board the train. I said that it was up to him, but we wouldn’t be seeing each other that night if he did come to the concert as it didn’t feel like the right time or place. He said he wasn’t coming and that we would catch up soon.

    Four days later, I sent him a message on Facebook explaining how I had been working on my problems of not feeling wanted and my issues with trust/ feeling like a burden. I wasn’t expecting a reply and I told him in the message that I wasn’t trying to get us back together by sending that message. I explained that I had no desire to play games in the future and that I loved and respected my body and would NEVER let someone abuse it again. He replied saying he was happy for me and glad to hear I was doing well, and he said ‘you have an awful lot to offer.’ We spoke for about an hour and then he he had to go because he was meeting his friend at the pub. I asked ‘catch up sometime soon? X’ and he replied with ‘perhaps tomorrow? I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and if I feel comfortable’. I told him ‘ok, that’s fine, have a wonderful evening’ and he said ‘thank you, you too’. Three hours later I got a phone call off him saying he was on a bench near where we live and was thinking about me. He asked me to come and meet him there. We were very friendly and slightly flirty with each other on the phone and spoke for about 5 minutes. I went to meet him; he had had a few drinks and was high. He told me he had been drinking and getting high every night for the past week (although he has a 9-5 job), which I thought was unusual and unlike him, but I didn’t say anything. When I got there, we hugged and he held me close and didn’t want to let go. He told his hand in mine and said he wanted to take me somewhere new. We went to lie down on the grass in a field, and we hugged and kissed and just lay there together. We didn’t talk about the break-up at all and it was like the first time we ever met. It was magical, we were laughing and cuddling and just talking and spending time together. He started getting turned on by lying next to me and feeling my body, he said his body was screaming for me but he couldn’t have sex with me. I said I didn’t want to either until the emotional foundations and trust were re-built. At the end of the night, I walked him home and then went home.

    Under the impression that we were starting anew, I messaged him the next day and asked if he wanted to do something with me. I was being bold and showing him I had changed and wasn’t afraid to initiate contact with him anymore. I felt positive, optimistic and determined to put things right. He asked if I would like to go for a coffee. He came to pick me up and we went for a coffee. When we got there, he said he couldn’t stop thinking about me last night. I said ‘me neither’. We were holding hands across the table and his palms were sweaty. I asked why, he said he was ‘nervous in both a good and a bad way’. I asked him what the bad nerves were about and he said because he wasn’t sure he should be there with me drinking coffee because he doesn’t know what he wants.

    I explained that I would like to try rebuilding our trust and just going out having fun together, I didn’t want to rush into anything, I wanted to take things very slow. He said he couldn’t be in a relationship just now but he was ok with being friends. I explained that I now understood why I made those mistakes in our past relationship and that I had learned from them. I had really identified my core values and knew what I wanted in a relationship and what I had to give now. I said that if I were to have another shot at it, there were several things I would do differently this time. I never wanted to hurt him or myself ever again and knew better than to trust boys who wanted to ‘meet-up’. I apologised and said that I had been naive and foolish.

    He said that there are times when he really wants to be with me but times when he doesn’t want to get involved in ‘us’ again because of the past relationship. He doesn’t know if he should be with me or be grateful for the times we had together and move on. He said he was a little afraid of me. He said he needed some space, and I agreed and said ‘I will give you your time and space, I need some time too to undergo more self-evaluation and self-improvement. I am not going to force you into anything at all.’

    At first I agreed to being friends. Once we had pulled up back at my house, I told him that I couldn’t keep hanging around in the hope that he would want me again, and that I needed to move on. He said ‘what, with someone else?’ and I replied ‘I don’t know, I can’t predict the future but I do need to get over our relationship. You really have lost me. I didn’t want you to lose me but I have no option.’ He started crying and said ‘I didn’t think I would ever have to lose you.’ I told him that if he decided he wanted me, whenever that may be, he knows where I am and he has my number. He told me to ‘keep shining’, I said ‘I will, it would make you proud.’ I told him that this was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, and he said ‘this is horrible’ as he was sobbing. I said that he was an incredible man and thanked him or giving me the best 19 months of my life. He replied ‘it’s been one hell of a ride’, smiling as he said so. He said ‘thank you for being you, you’re an incredible woman.’ I told him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but only if he wants to spend it with me too. I told him that I wouldn’t contact him and would give him time and space to think. He said ‘I love you *my full name*’ and I said it back to him. We kissed passionately then hugged, then I let go of his hand. I saw tears streaming down his face and wiped them away and said ‘don’t be upset, be positive and have faith.’ I got out of his car and went into my house.

    I love this man and am deeply in love with him. I honestly think we belong together and are soulmates. I have met many men, but this one is different and I trust my intuition. I want him back more than anything, but I want him to chase me and beg for me back. I want to do no contact for 6-8 weeks and see what happens (if anything). I want to know if I have done the right thing by walking away in the hope he will realise he has lost me and realise how special what we had was. I am working on myself and I want to better myself for my own sake. I am very confident, strong and independent, but I think about him everyday and wonder if he will ever regret losing me/breaking up with me, and if I will ever hear from him again…

    It’s been 3 days of no contact so far. What should I do in my situation? Has me walking away made him see me in a better light? Thank you ever so much for your help!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Soph,

      Let’s hope he does but it’s always a battle of standards. If he loves you, and he knows he has to change for the better he will but sometimes, even if he loves, if it’s really breaking his core values or non negotiables, he will not change. And you should think the same, make your non negotiables, so the right guy will stay..

    • Soph - 0

      Soph

      Will no contact help fade the negative emotions associated with the end of the relationship? How long should I do no contact for in my situation, and should I wait for him to contact me after NC or should I contact him first?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      the space can help but it’s actually your improvements during and after nc that really helps a lot.. you should try at least 45 days and yes you can initiate contact after..

  6. Michelle - 0

    Michelle

    I have been with boyfriend for 1 and a half years. During this time my boyfriend has been going through a divorce with ex wife (who cheated on him and is now living with someone else), he had a heart attach (when I was with him), and his mother died (who was terminally ill), 2 weeks later. His job has been on the line. Also suffers with excess weight, which has affected his sleeping patterns. So overall a high degree of stress overall.
    Despite this I felt our relationship was good. He had said I was a calm in a storm. And was always very affectionate when we were together, although a bit distant in company. I spent a lot of time with him socialising with his circle of friends and stayed over at his usually 3 or 4 times a week.
    He recently has broken up by email with me, saying that he can’t give me the attention I deserve and can’t commit to a relationship at this time. He has thanked me for all the support and love I have given him, but I deserve better, and that he is sorry to do this to me.
    I emailed back saying that just because he was going through all of these problems it wasn’t a reason to be breaking up. Also that it was up to me to decide what he was giving me in a relationship or not.
    Also wrote how I felt about him and asked to meet up in a few days and really talk.
    He emailed back 2 days later saying that my response overwhelmed him but also made him feel touched. Said he can’t commit to a relationship and needed space to sort his head out. To respect his space and that he would be ok.
    I went to his house 3 days later and he told me what had been going on (much of which I knew about). I told him I didnt want to break up, and he said to give him a couple of weeks to get things sorted.
    Now Im thinking that he is just going to tell me the same thing in a couple of weeks. He knows what he has with me. He has told me he loved me before, and also asked what do we do? Do we sell the house and buy a place together? Last year he emailed me all of his finances and also emails between his and ex wifes solicitors keeping me in the loop on things. Also that perhaps one day we could live together.
    I feel he is scared of committing. Im not sure its to do with the relationship. I have never pressured him, although we both agreed to take things slowly. I have told him I would like to settle down with him though.
    I am now giving him space. What should I do for the best, and whats my chances. I love him in a profound way.
    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Michelle - 0

      Michelle

      Further to this, its his birthday at the end of October. While he has said he will call me in a couple of weeks, I think he was flustered at the time, and was just fobbing me off. Couple of weeks is his birthday weekend.
      Im thinking of no contact now (and this is day 4). I was planning on not contacting him on his birthday as part of no contact, but am just wondering what I should do if he contacts me in a couple of weeks like he said he would. Part of me is scared that he is going to say thats it over again. I think he is breaking up with me to prevent himself from being hurt. Either that or does he still have feelings for his ex wife. Going through a divorce settlement now. He says he hates her and wants her out of his life? But does he really…
      Any advise would be really gratefully appreciated. Thanks x

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Michelle,

      You have to give him space.. as he said, let him sort his problems out. I think he chose to fix his life first, to focus on it instead of trying to maintain a relationship while trying to go through a divorce and trying to cope with grief..

      Yes, it hurts because it looks like you’re not a priority but if you think about it, he could have chosen a different approach.. He could have just used you as an emotional crutch or somebody to dump his negative emotions on..but he didnt do that.. he chose to handle this like a man..

      but if he is still in love with his ex, then this is still a blessing in disguise with you, because would you want to be in situation that he’s keeping you as back up or his girl on the side..no, right?

      or maybe you’re thinking that why can’t he just let you be there as his confidant in all of this? Like a wife? honestly that’s hard because he’s just feeling overwhelmed right now, more likely keeping you as a confidant means you’re going to be his venting go-to person..

    • Michelle - 0

      Michelle

      Thanks for your response Amor.
      I am giving him space for now (no contact), but do you think I have a chance of getting him back? I can be patient, even though its so hard.
      What if he calls me in a couple of weeks which he said? It would be 14 days since Ive given him space? Would I be best to do NC from there or speak to him. Im worried that he is still feeling negative and says that its over then, with the pressure of everything he is going through.
      Thanks very much

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nope..that would mean you have to ignore that call.. Yeah, I do think you have a chance..juat let him do this on his own for now

  7. Violet - 0

    Violet

    Hi Chris. I just got dumped today and thankfully I bought your guides after my last break up so I immediately refrained from responding after I got dumped BY TEXT MESSAGE this morning.

    Anyway, I know he did it to protect himself. He’s always tried to not show emotion to people because he prefers to protect himself on a regular basis. Now, my question is if he doesn’t show emotion in texts (but he was sweet in person during the relationship) how can I identify the positive texts from the neutral responses when I break no contact? And if he’s the type of person to not often reply to texts at all, how can I know whether he’s ignoring or being neutral?

    Reply
    • Violet - 0

      Violet

      I forgot to add my second question. He dumped me because he saw my true colours. It’s not easy to be with someone who has depression and he only focuses on my few bad days and forgets all my good days. All my past relationships have ended because of this. I’m seeking help and I’m improving all the time.

      The question is, how can I get him to see me in a good light again? Do you have advice on the psychology of seeming more positive in his mind?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Violet,

      I hope you dont mind my take for now.. I’m not a psychologist but for him to see the change you have to change genuinely.. Yes, depression is not cured with just a click, but you’re human, you have awareness.. That means you will notice it every time you feel that way. Adress it, acknowledge it, and then choose to do things that will help you get out of it even if you don’t feel like it…Instead of just staying in your bed, go out and walk… think in action because it does help…

      because let’s face it, if that has been a constant problem in all your relationships , you have to find a solution around it..

      It doesn’t mean you’ll ignore it, but find a way to make it for you and the people around you… Don’t reward feeling depressed by doing unhealthy things like eating unhealthy food or whatever… Choose healthy habits when you feel sad…It will be hard but it’s not impossible.. You have a choice.. Don’t have over your power by letting what you feel always get in the way of your life…

    • Violet - 0

      Violet

      Thanks so much, Amor. I’m sure trying my best to have self worth and self esteem. It’s a long journey.

      Do you have advice on my other question? He often seems neutral in texts. How should I go about breaking no contact next month if he doesn’t communicate well over text or phone?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Oh sorry..I forgot that.. check this for a first contact text:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

      if he doesnt reply, rest for a week before trying again.. if he doesnt reply again, rest for two weeks before trying again.. If he doesnt reply, that means you have to move on..

      You have to choose an interesting topic for him, because if he doesnt reply, that just means he’s not interested.. whether he’s texter or not, if he’s interested he would reply…

    • Violet - 0

      Violet

      I read the link you mentioned. Very useful but unfortunately we were only together for 4 months so it’s difficult to find a strong memory to pull positive memories of me. How long should I do no contact?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      do at least 30 days..that’s ok..just use whatever memory you have or anything that relates to it

  8. Katie M - 0

    Katie M

    Hi. So my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We’ve been together for 3 years, since the start of university and we were somehow living together already. A lot of things have happened to us throughout the relationship. I caught him flirting a couple of times and after that I just became very moody and short tempered and I would be jealous if I felt that he had more fun with his friends than me. So basically, I wanted him all for myself. A few months ago, we got into a really big fight because of my attitude and we broke up but I begged him to stay with me. He said that he really didn’t want to anymore, but he thought we could make it work. Now, he said he’s been unhappy for the longest time and he isn’t comfortable around me anymore. So that was why he broke up with me. He told me that he needed to heal alone for a few months so I shouldn’t try to contact him or anything. He said we still have a chance to be together in the future. Is this something a guy would normally say for the breakup not to hurt too much? This was my first relationship and I’m really confused.

    Thanks! x

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Katie,

      you became clingy because you made your world revolve around him.. which is common for a first time relationship.. do you still live together and are going to do the no contact rule?

  9. JC - 0

    JC

    I’ve been dating this guy the past year….and he’s been going through a divorce as well. Its coming down to separation of the Business / House… and I know he is totally stressed out about losing everything. We’ve been exclusive with one another, and off/on in relationship a few times. Finally, I got frustrated with his running hot and cold, especially in last month, and the constant complaining about his life, ex-wife… and I have been very understanding and patient… but comes a point where you thing “what about me”? I recently had surgery, and became I admit, a little more needy, and most boyfriends I would think want to see you and be with you more… my guy talked to me a little, but I hardly saw. He started acting distant… so I asked if he was seeing someone, and I do suspect he’s been online or maybe seeing someone on side… as his behaviour was so distant as said. So we had an argument, and he’s now not speaking to me. How do I get him back, and none of this off/on… or should I just “run”? Or is he protecting himself? Its been 7 days since we spoke, and I emailed him a few days ago asking him if he would like to talk things out as I love him, and got the response of “I don’t know, I need to take care of myself”. “And I’m very depressed”. I haven’t been calling him nor texting, Will 30 days NS work? Or is this just wanting too much too soon? Appreciate some guidance here.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jc,

      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it’s obvious that he sees you as one of the stressors in his life.. more demands, or talks will not help.. Either you really give him space or you move on

  10. Kris - 0

    Kris

    Please help. My boyfriend broke up with a month ago. We had been friends for 5 years before we became a couple a year and half ago the week he got divorced.We took things incredibly slow and fell in love 3 months into our courtship. We live an hour apart and daw each every weekend. This arrangement worked for us both bc I still have children at home and he has commitment issues. Everything had been beautiful until 3 months ago. 2 things happened. His father became gravely ill and he got me a job where he lives so I was staying with him 5 days a week. He became increasingly snippy and cold. I didn’t know if it was bc of his dad or me being there so much. Well his dad passed and he didn’t have me fly to RI to go to the funeral with him. I was crushed. I went out with a group of friends where I live and got drunk. An ex brought me home. I told my bf about it the next morning and he was furious. 2 weeks later he snapped at me again and we had a fight. In public. This has never happened to either of us before (we are in our 40s). He broke up with me the next morning. He said it was the last straw. I can’t tell if he did this bc of his grieving for his father or the commitment issue. I’m crushed. He’s since blocked me on fb bc he said it hurts too much to see my status updates but it’s only temporary and wants to be friends again eventually. Do I have a chance getting him back? I’ve been trying the NC rule and will last 5 days at a time.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kris,

      well, nc supposed to be one blow.. like straight 21 days is the shortest. how many times have you done 5 days nc?

  11. Ann - 0

    Ann

    Hi there. So I’m obviously here because my boyfriend broke up with me. We are both 18 and just went to college. We were talking completely fine all week, talking about me visiting during Christmas, he even said he couldn’t wait to see me and everything. The day he broke up with me we messaged like usual, the conversations was normal, we even video chatted that day. Then a few hours later he messaged me breaking up with me, unfriended me off of Facebook, changed his relationship status and profile picture (we both had profile pictures of us together), and took me off of PSN. I’ve been on the No Contact rule for a week now, and I am trying to go strong, but it is definitely tough. I messaged one of his friends asking if he heard anything and apparently he told him that it wasn’t working out between us and that the relationship had run its course. Obviously I want him back, and I hope he will talk to me after implementing the 30 no contact, but I always think of the what ifs. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ann,

      How long were you together? I’m assuming you’re in ldr. How long have you been in ldr. And… you have to restart the count. Start it the day after you asked his friend. I do understand that you have to ask of course, but you have to restart the count after that and then start focusing on improving yourself now.

  12. Luisa - 0

    Luisa

    Dead Chris and team. My boyfriend broke up with me after our second time we’ve been together. We’ve been together 3 years now and back then 2,5 with a 2 years break. The break up now is quite similar to the one back then. Once I had anxiety before an exam and he left me afterwards. This time I moved to Switzerland 6 months after him and began to work as a doctor and it was stressful and he had the feeling to have to lift me up all the time while I was cranky that he went away on my first free weekend. He broke up out of the blue for me while I was completely overworked and without any sleep. after 4 weeks that I came to the country (we live in separate towns though) now he is dead cold to me and said right from the beginning this time he does not want to start over. But for me the reaction is so extreme after 7 years and me giving up everything (while being needy I admit) that i wonder can this be real? He came back once before. He said he has nothing to say to me anymore and when I went to pick up some my things last time (my whole household is in his cellar until we planned to move in together in 6 months) he was so mean to me and did not talk to me at all, and maybe I made a mistake in even trying to talk. I’m really trying to show him that I can make it on my own but of course I wish our future would still be there, after I left my country for him..what should I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Luisa,

      do 45 days no contact and just focus in having your own life and getting the balance back.

  13. sophie - 0

    sophie

    Hi,

    I was dating my boyfriend for two years we started talking about marriage and he was terrified, he finally started coming around discussing venues, living arrangements so I decided to ask to go ring shopping just to browse he text me later that day telling me I scared him. he became extremely distant after that and two weeks later confronted me by saying I lack emotions and that despite being the perfect girl something is missing.so its coming up to a month since I implemented the no contact rule but he hasn’t contacted me at all during this period. Do I have a chance of getting him back? Some of my friends claim he’s not over his ex who he dated for a decade before we got together but he hasn’t been in contact with him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sophie,

      are you actively improving yourself? how old are you both? He doesnt want to get married yet, and I think he thinks you’re rushing him

    • Sophia - 0

      Sophia

      Hi amor,

      Were both 27 and all our friends are married.i am on day 20 of no contact and I finally heard from him yesterday but didn’t reply.i agree about the rushing but I stopped talking about it and he started talking about marriage and venues so I don’t know what to do.shall I reply or maintain no contact and how should I re contact him

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      his latest message is about marriage? what did he say?

    • Sophie - 0

      Sophie

      Apologies his last message wasn’t about marriage He just messaged sayn hi and asked me how I was and that he really wanted to reach out to me. What shall I message him after the no contact period has finished?!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      start with a topic that he loves talking about.. check this article on how to text:EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

  14. Christina - 0

    Christina

    I’ve been in a LDR with the love of my life for the last 3 years. We have had issues in the past of him judging my past, the time before we were together, which created some trust issues but he knows that I have been faithful the whole time we have been together. We’ve worked very hard together to get through these and I thought we were. 2 weeks ago I was on a business trip and I was drugged and ended up with a concussion and do not remember what happened to me. I lost my purse which had everything in it. Because of this i was not in contact with him for 8 hours and he was literally terrified that something terrible had happened to me, which I completely understand. Once I got into contact with him he was relieved and we were able to talk and I could tell he was so scared. He says that after that he became terrified that he could love someone so much that they would make him feel that way and he never wants to feel that way again. After a week and half of him being back and forth we finally made some headway and it seemed like we were on a good path and then on the 3rd day he blew up and told me that he just wanted to be done (knowing him i think that he’s just tired of discussing). He then reveled something that blew me away. He told me that in his anger after finding out I was ok he went out and had drinks and got another girls phone number who he was just friendly texting but nothing inappropriate. He has never done this and he said that it scared him that combined with being terrified that this incident would bring him back to square one with his trust issues and make him feel it’s ok to go out and do this to me. He also told me that he has a ring and was going to propose next month until this happened (we had plans for him to move to be with me). He had originally asked for a break before saying he wanted to break up and I suggested that we take a week to cool off.
    This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and I do not know what to do and who to turn to. I have one of your books and have been watching your videos and I just need to know what to do because I do not want to lose him. We are supposed to talk in a few days. Please help me!

    Reply
  15. Kara Hodges - 0

    Kara Hodges

    We were dating for 6 months. We met through our circle of friends. He said he loves me but that he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m the first woman who has ever loved him and that he’s loved, so he says. I’m 31 and he is 26. He says I’m all woman and he is not yet a man. I’m a pretty strong tough woman, but today is hard for me. I’m doing the NC rule, but he text me 6 days later, “Hey, I hope you are doing ok.” I have not responded. He has a lot of insecurities, and I think the pressure of having to be this “type” of man that he thinks I need and want is too much for him. He has a lot of family problems and he just lost his job so he is going through a really tough time. I thought by me being there for him he would appreciate that, but I think it just pushed him away. I’m trying to work on myself, but I can’t help it, I love him and want to be in each other’s lives. He wants to stay friends, but I just can’t. It makes it hard since we have the same circle of friends. Maybe one day we can be friends, but right now I’m still trying to get over the loss of him. Do you think I have a chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Kara,

      yes, because you have the right mindset… that’s right..heal first and let him be, so that you dont get friendzoned

  16. Ampy - 0

    Ampy

    Good day.

    I have been reading your articles and even purchased your books online. Yes, they did help with making me feel better.

    I just wanted to know what is happening between me and my ex from your perspective and what i can actually do.

    You see, my ex was my best friend. I was his first girlfriend. He was my third. He courted me for about a year and a half. I was afraid to go on a steady date with him because i didn’t want our friendship broken but eventually i fell for him and we dated. Our relationship lasted for almost 9 mos. There were some misunderstandings along the way but we were able to somehow iron things out.

    After my birthday last May 31, we had a big fight. He had some trust issues with me. No matter how much i proved to him that i wasn’t cheating, he would not believe me. Until eventually, he broke up with me. He told me that he could not handle my pride and the guys that “followed” me. For him, he felt cheated, he felt i was abusing the chances he was giving me, and a lot of other reasons. Honestly, i begged him to stay. I begged him for another chance. I absorbed all accusations even if they were not true. I removed all the pride i had just to show him that i wanted him to stay. Well, he did. He was sweet and told me he still missed me and loves me. Until after three days, he just stopped. I tried to contact him by calling or texting, i could not reach him. I tried sending him a message in FB, he was ignoring it. I tried to ask for help from our “friends” but for some reasons have sided with my ex. They told me a lot of hurtful things and i just absorbed it. I didnt bother explaining to them because i saw how close minded they were. It made them really mad. They decided that we have a group call to clear everything out. During that phone call, i was told a lot of hurtful stuff including my ex. He didnt stand up for me. It was really painful. Until i heard him say, “im sorry, im giving up on you. I cannot trust you anymore. We can stay as friends.” I declined the offer as friends and told him i could not see him just as a friend because i love him. Eventually, the call ended. The morning came, i discovered that my friends blocked me. He did not block me yet. And then i learned that he posted in FB something really bad about me that actually hurt my mom too after seeing it so she talked to him to erase the post. He erased it.

    When i was so depressed, i saw your articles and decided to purchase your books. I have been reading them. I decided to do the no contact rule last june 22. On june 27, when my best friend and i went to go somewhere out of the city, i learned that he blocked me already. It was really painful. My best friend had been posting pictures of us as we travelled. When i told my best friend to take a peek at his profile, i saw that he posted the single status. I do not know why. And then this morning, my best friend told me that she was unfriended too by my ex. Even my sisters were blocked too.

    i do not know what is going on inside the mind of my ex right now. Yes, i still want him back despite the painful blows. I decided to restart my NC again last june 30. I am confused and in pain. I want to understand what’s going on inside his head.

    Please do respond to this message. I will find it a really big help. Please.
    Thank you and more power to you.
    Thank you for helping people like me.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ampy,

      what did he mean by the guys that follwed you? were there any comments or any other interactions with guys that he finds offensive? what could have been something thag even your friends would think wrong for you to do as a gf?

  17. Kris - 0

    Kris

    Hi. I am really so lost right now. I REALLY HOPE YOU GIVE IT SOME TIME TO READ THIS. I bought the ExBfProRecovery, heck I even bought the Texting Bible and listen to your podcasts (thats how desperate I am and how I believe in your game plans so much) but I’m kind of losing hope due to the reason of the breakup. My ex bf broke up with me because of insecurities and he has some kind of trust issues. I am a single mom now who was in an abusive relationship (with my ex husband). Now, after my ex husband and I broke up. A few months after that, my ex bf and I got into a relationship. He knows all about my past relationship with my ex husband. About the abuse and financial struggles. So anyways, the reason for the break up were these: 1-He can feel that my mom is still in favor of my ex husband. (It was my daughters bday party and he felt left out) He’s hurt because he thinks I’m not doing anything about the situation about my mom still being in favor of my ex husband. (He’s also insecure that my mom want’s a Doctor for me.. my ex bf is a nurse) 2- He said he still thinks I’m still into my ex husband because I still get affected when I argue with him (well of course I’m affected..financially but not emotionally. idk why he does not understand that. 3-He said that our relationship revolved around my ex husband because we only get to date and have quality time when my ex Husband gets the kids. 4-He has this trust issue with my past co worker that he thinks I had a “thing” with. until now that we’ve broken up 3 months ago. he still brings it up. I assured him a million times that there was no “thing”. He said that my mom has a different story about this issue (my mom was somewhat close to my coworker and he opens up to my mom) 5-He’s insecure because I have already finished a higher profession than him while he’s still working on his. I know this is so complicated. But I really love my ex boyfriend. I really believe that we can be something great. we’ve always believed in that from the start. I dont know what happened. He said with all the insecurities, he kept the hurt bottled up inside him. Now we had this one big fight while he was out of the country. He said that all those bottled up feelings crashed down on him and he just blew up. and when he got back I picked him up from the airport thinking that we were already okay. we even slept together that night. But he started becoming cold. In addition, He was also so stressed with finding a new job and bills and school. So I was trying to give him sometime to recover from the trip. But I couldn’t take it anymore that I feel there is something wrong so I confronted him.. That’s when he broke up with me. He said he needs time to find himself. To finish his priorities especially with his profession. We were together for a year, the relationship was great. He said he’s happy. it’s just that the pain that he felt from that number 1 reason is just too much for him. He also said that he has fallen out of love for me. He tried to fight for it but the pain is too much already. It’s been 3 months now since the breakup. He said he is still healing and still working on himself. When we broke up, he asked if I could still be friends with him, more of a bestfriend. I agreed because of the desperation to be able to still be with him somehow. He said he really treasures what we had and wants to keep me in his life no matter what. He just can’t continue with the relationship anymore. I really love my ex and I can still feel even the slightest love from him with how we are now. (We still act like how we were in the relationship when we hang out just with limits, it’s like we never broke up, we hang out almost everyweekend since the breakup). If I had known about the NC rule earlier. maybe it’ll be different now. The first month of the breakup I pleaded and begged until he almost blocked me, now I sent him a message saying that I would be gone for a while. (I didnt know about NC yet, I just couldnt take the pain and that he’s ignoring me and blowing me off) . until one week later on Mothers day he texts me. We started being FWB. I know. I really wish I had seen your website earlier. When I came across your site, I somehow had some hope of getting him back. But I am completely lost how to start, I have been trying to do NC on and off I fail every weekend. I am even deleted on all social media (he got upset I’m ignoring him so he deleted me in all. his reason was so he can’t see what I post–cause Ive been posting fun things) I am starting to lose hope again because of the fact that I was already kind of moving on until he talked about the break up again and said he’s still hurt. Do you think with his reasons for the breakup we can still get back together if I follow your book?? And also, sometimes he still acts like a bf, like asking where I’ve been, time I went home, who I was with. He keeps checking with me if I have suitors already, sometimes he jokes about it sometimes he asks seriously. But sometimes he would talk about how life would be having separate lives with new relationships. his concerned if we can still hang out like how we used to. Getting mixed signals here.

    Reply
    • Kris - 0

      Kris

      Oh by the way, when I was pleading, he asked before if I want to continue the relationship but he can’t promise to give me him self 100% cause he’s still hurt. I refused cause I don’t want to be unfair on myself. sometimes I wish I agreed. But I think we won’t be happy. Anyways, since he’s been talking about feelings lately and I dont want to talk about it. I asked if we can have some time off from each other for now. I hope that was a good move. and then maybe start the NC 30 days? you think it will workout? Really need some kind of hope here to continue. hehehe.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You have to be strong in no contact because the more you restart the less it’s effect. You should be strong in it because you have more of the reason to do it since he knows how much you love him and that you’re just there available when he needs you.

  18. J.A. - 0

    J.A.

    Hi,

    I’m recently divorced after a pretty awful 10 yr marriage. My divorce has been incredibly difficult and high-conflict. It’s been one of those hard-to-believe jaw-dropping disgusting divorces.
    I also have an 8 year old daughter, and while I meet a lot of men, and get plenty of attention, I just really haven’t been feeling like I needed to be dating right now.
    But, I did meet someone that I actually liked. I was open to getting to know him better and seeing where things went. I was direct and honest. He seemed to be coming from the same place. We had a lot of fun together, and there were no “shoulds”.
    But here are some of the red flags:
    First, he is only a year younger than me, but his longest relationship in the last 5-6 years is like 9 months. So, I know that’s a warning right there.

    I slept with him on the first date, which I had no intention of doing, total rookie mistake, and I was not ready for it. He was pushy, and I kinda feel that a guy that respects the girl he’s with, wouldn’t have pushed it. But I’m an adult, so I own my choices.

    The next day we had made tentative plans, and while he kept texting me all day he never got back to me about the plans, so I was done. Inconsiderate and disrespectful. For me this was over. But he kept reaching out to me, apologizing, saying it was a misunderstanding, etc. for the next 2 days until I finally gave him another chance. So we went out again a few days later and I told him I needed a do-over and needed to make it home to sleep in my bed that night. That I had really great time last time, but I wasn’t ready for that.
    We went out a few more times with no sex.

    And then after that, the next 2-3 times I saw him we ended up meeting later in the evening, and then going back to his place and I’d spend the night.

    He was kinda weird with plans, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Making plans with him was just a little too much work.
    We were only dating for maybe 2 months, and I have my daughter every other weekend, but I never saw him on a weekend. That’s weird to me. He was texting me a lot, (I know-classic player) and then he kinda faded out. And I don’t really like or care about texting…it’s kind of unmaintainable, but, I can’t help feeling like he was trying to get me to walk away. And I can’t tell if he was pulling away bc he wasn’t that into me, and I just rejected him before he rejected me, or if I’m the one that really ended things.

    Even writing this, it seems so obvious he was playing me. But I’m struggling, bc it was so new, and I’ve been through so much with my divorce, that when he was sketchy with plans, I didn’t get mad, I just walked away bc I wasn’t gonna tolerate any of it. And he kept chasing me and wanting to keep things going.
    After 2 months or so, I just felt like I was making the effort to work with his schedule, and he wasn’t making the effort to work with mine. So I told him “no hard feelings, I just didn’t think we were coming at this from the same place. That I was trying my best to get to know him better and that he was making it really hard for me. Wished him well and maybe I’ll see him around”
    He said he that he “really genuinely” liked me. That it was just bad timing for both of us. He was a bit selfish and thought I could work around his schedule. He didn’t want me to feel I was changing my way to do things his way. That he had such a great time with me. That I was true sweetheart. It was so much fun. That he really liked that I was so direct and honest, that it brought out the best in him cause it made him open up. That hopefully he’ll see me around.

    Then I found out after I broke it off, that he’d been dating someone else at the same time I think (he brought someone to his sister’s destination wedding-I don’t know the exact story, if he planned to bring her before he met me or what, but I was totally jolted, it made everything that happened feel like bull-shit). I asked him about it, I wasn’t crazy or anything. He just said she wasn’t his girlfriend.
    I told him that was semantics and that he got to have information that I didn’t get to have with respect to making choices about things, and that I was hurt.
    He again said that a lot of things I said were true and he respected me for being so honest and he liked that a lot.

    We weren’t exclusive, I’m not mad that he was dating someone else. I’m only upset if he was really just playing me, and I can’t tell. If he really liked me would he have kept dating someone else? Wouldn’t he try to talk to me now or explain what happened?
    If he really wanted to date me would he say it was bad timing when I said I was trying to get to know him and he was making it hard for me? Or was he respecting me by walking away?

    If it was bad timing why would he have chased me in the first place? If he was just playing me, why would he say all those things to me after I’m telling him I don’t want to go out with him anymore? None of this makes sense to me.
    I liked him, but I’m definitely not going chase someone or settle.
    So why am I hung up on some guy I dated for a such a short time?

    I got married so young, I missed the whole dating thing.

    Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi J.A,

      because you’re in the honeymoon period.. that’s good that you don’t want to chase.. if he is serious with you, he’ll prove it

  19. Alva - 0

    Alva

    Hi Amor, my boyfriend broke up with after 2 years. 2great years together. We moved in together the last 5 months because my family had to move to another city so I wanted to stay with him and finish school. We then went from being super happy to fighting a lot (we’re 17, way too young to move in together, right?). We fought about money and responsibility. His father then got mad and picked a fight with me because he thought my ex’s grades became lower and lower. He thought that we were too young and that we payed to much rent for this small apartment and so on. And my ex really hates fighting so I really think that’s the reson he broke up with me. Because he just couldn’t deal with all the fighting and especially when his father also started it. He broke up with me 5 months ago and he also told me that everything would work out if my family moved back from Stockholm. Which my family now has and he said it was too late when we talked about them moving back.
    Anyways, I tried the no contact rule and then when I was supposed to text him again it was really good, I texted him that he should watch a great serie. He answered in a really positive way and like 2 or 3 hours later he asked me if it was ok for him to drop by and give me my jewellery back. When we had a fight after the breakup he said that he didn’t like me and that I wasn’t invited to his 18th birthday party, so I went to his house and left the jewellery. So he came by and then asked me if I wanted to “go for a ride”. So we did, and we drove around the city for 3 hours talking non stop about everything. He even told me that I started to look like myself again and that he missed me. I then got a little carried away and confused by all of this and then invited him over a few day later. I told him that I really had grown after all that has happened and I know that I really screwed it ALL up. But he told me that he was going to think about it, so it wasn’t a disaster. But now I want to start it all over and I think it’s working. I feel like I’m getting him a little confused by this, he showed up at a party I was at this weekend. No friend of his was there, and on our way down to the town lots of guys gave me attention. Which I think is good right? When they realize that other people want you… Anyways, what do think? Do I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi ALva,

      Yes, I think you have a chance you just have to continue improving and take it slow.

  20. Heather - 0

    Heather

    My boyfriend broke up with me via text message 7 weeks ago. Prior to that time, he had expressed lots of love and long term commitment. It has been difficult to get a reason out of him. Things he has written suggest that he broke up, in large part, due to fear. He wasn’t as certain of my unwavering long term commitment. He has some things going on with his life right now that made him feel less good about himself. He was married 10 years ago, she left him for reasons that could align with his current problems. He says he feared that given his situation and his perceived uncertainty in my long term commitment, he was scared I would be disappointed and hurt him. His behavior in these 7 weeks is more like indifference or disdain but he has continued to claim his love was real and that he has even used the present tense of love on occasion. I am frustrated. Regardless, he is adamant that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. The no contact rule is really hard to implement for me. I don’t like games…and I was committed. Logically, it would seem I would just need to reinforce that fact through both words and behavior but that isn’t working. Does the NC rule apply for this type of situation as well? The whole thing is really infuriating. If we love each other, why end things and why cause me so much pain? Any input appreciated

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Heather,

      it depends on your standards if you still want to continue this kind of relationship but no contact is still the better option because it seems like you’re not getting anywhere if you keep talking to him.

  21. Gwenn - 0

    Gwenn

    Dear EBR,
    I’ve read so many articles on your site to gain perspective, and this one really resonated with me.
    The situation I’m in is rather unusual by most break up standards, as things were left so open ended.. I could use some advice.
    He’s been a long time family friend of just over 5 years. We always had a great connection and chemistry. However, timing was never right and we maintained a mutual respect for the others relationship while building a great friendship.
    February, we caught up over the phone one night after not speaking for 5 months. Come to find out, we both had ended our long term relationships (both mutual break ups) and had been single for a few months.
    We were both going through some heavy transitions in life. Moving, job promotions, hectic family lives.. but we hit it off immediately! He flew out every chance he got for the month we were in contact. We discussed our future, professed hidden emotions for each other, all that happy stuff.
    We even got so far as him accepting a job transfer cross country and us moving together.
    During this time together, we received no support from my family. Flat out disrespect. They went out of their way to show disapproval. They brought up our negative traits from previous relationships and threw it in our faces. It even got as far as name calling… We were both devastated. Their words cut deep.
    Their reasoning? They wanted to see us together, but it was too soon after our break ups for us to get serious.
    Then one day, he calls me and says he’d just gotten off the phone with my family, and they are right, the timing isn’t right. We have too many transitions happening and not enough support. He had backed out of the job across country, so we won’t be moving. He said he loves me, he wants a future with me, and to make that happen, he had to preserve what we have for later.
    In the end, and all things considered, I know his intention is to protect himself as well as me.. He hasn’t spoken to me or my family since then, or made a single post on social media.
    I sent him an email 2 weeks later apologizing for my families behavior and wishing him well.
    From there, I’ve initiated the NC rule.. I’m coming up on 30 days next week. I’m not sure if making contact is the appropriate thing to do in this situation. Plus, he doesn’t have the greatest reputation of responding to people in the first place.. any input?
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Gwenn,

      at least you tried right? If he doesn’t reply try to use your time to prove everybody that by time you get together, whatever their opinion is, both of you can handle a relationship by then. If he does reply, then good but take it slow. Don’t rush, so that it won’t add up to the stress of your family pressures.

  22. Au - 0

    Au

    My boyfriend broke up with me weeks ago. He said that he want to protect my purity. He thought that the only way to stop touching me is by breaking up with me.

    However we are friends now and he still treats me a ‘girlfriend’. He still hugs,kiss on my lips and hold my hands etc when I remind me a lot of times that we shouldn’t be doing these since we are friends now. He treats me as a special friend because he still cares for me and the only reason he break up with me is because of my purity(thats what he said). It seems that he wants both worlds(single and relationship).

    I really want him as my boyfriend but he insist on staying as friends. He said “I want you to stay as friend. If we are not meant to be together in a relationship,we are meant to be together as friends”.

    I wanted to do the NC but I’ve already made future plans with him and I couldn’t ignore his texts cause i’ll feel guilty. I wanted to talk to him about us but his priorities are his classmates now. (He told me to talk about us the other day cause he is going home with his classmates today.) So therefore,I haven’t do NC.

    I feel extremely sad cause im no longer his 1st priority and I hate it when he ignores me(he usually ignores me if he is upset with me).

    I really want him as my boyfriend. Do you think he will stop treating me as a friend and come back to me as my boyfriend?
    Is “I want to protect your purity” a excuse to protect himself?

    Its so difficult distracting my mind and so difficult avoiding him in school.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Au,

      if you stay as friends..it’s more likely that you will be friendzoned

  23. Jacquelyn - 0

    Jacquelyn

    Help! I’m in the last scenario and your writing seemed to end right when I needed more!!! I had been dating a guy for 2-3 weeks, just getting cozy (less “dates” more Netflix and cuddle, staying over, developing routines). I’d met his friends and he was moving things quickly, saying all the sweetest nicest things ever. Telling me I was wife material and irreplaceable, he wasn’t used to dating a woman who actually brought anything to the table. Only problem is his buddy’s wife had just walked out on him early when we started dating so they kept comforting this friend…. Painting a bad portrait of this guys ex, women in general that do that. Well I’m divorced!!! It was mutual, but he didn’t seem to be in the mindset to believe it. I didn’t know when to tell him and since we went out with his friends for this reason maybe the 2nd or 3rd time we hung out I kept not feeling like it was the right time to tell him! When I did he said he felt it was weird I told him so late (I’ve asked friends and they said I’m still in the normal range for that but idk I’m still learning how to date and I didn’t know if that was a first date talk or not to air my dirty laundry!!). He seemed fine, we talked, then he went cold halfway through the day and broke up with me via text the next day. I know his family life growing up wasn’t great so I know this is what he’s doing but I don’t know how to turn it around!!! We weren’t even dating a month so I don’t think the full 30 day NC is necessary but I haven’t talked to him in 5 days maybe?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Jacquelyn,

      It’s not actually something to talk about in the first date.. But I’m assuming he’s adult enough to decide and realize that whatever his family was, not all people are like that. One month is short so, a month of nc is not advisable. How long have you known him before dating?

  24. Mina, 21 - 0

    Mina, 21

    Hi! My boyfriend of a few months (started hanging out 6 months ago, officially dated for last few months) broke up with me 3 weeks ago (Been doing the NC rule since day one:) and this article really struck a chord with me! My question is, if he broke up with me because he is emotionally unavailable, is there anything specific I can do to get him back? When we broke up, he told me he had been thinking of breaking up because he just didn’t feel anything anymore/didn’t feel romantic or affectionate and didn’t understand why, as he feels that I am an amazing girlfriend/really interesting, cool person, but that it wasn’t right to keep the relationship going. Reasons why I think it was because of his emotional hang-ups: 1) He had mentioned that this seems to be a pattern for him (feeling unhappy even though a situation is going great by all accounts), 2) We were getting to a point in the relationship where things were starting to relax and get comfortable, still some excitement and whatnot but the butterflies and honeymoon feeling weren’t as intense and were giving way to a sort of routine and stability, which may have scared him. 3) the relationship was great. We both have so much in common, we like a lot of the same weird, interesting, specific stuff, we had fun together, chemistry, personalities clicked etc. 4) HE is the one who started it. He is the one who pursued me, talked to me, asked me out, asked me to be his girlfriend, asked me to come visit him, all that business. Not to say that I didn’t pursue him or show him that I liked him and took initiative, it was not a one-sided relationship by any means. I just mean that how could he decide so surely that we had a connection and that we should be together and that he wanted me, but then just have it suddenly fade away over the course of a couple of weeks? I did not change, show my “true colors”, any of that. I have been the same person as I was when we first started hanging out, the only difference is that I began to feel even more comfortable and relaxed around him toward the end. 5) He hasn’t had a functional relationship with a girl who isn’t crazy/unstable/not good for him since high school. Also his family really liked me, which I think may have also scared him subconsciously? He mentioned before meeting them for the first time that I was “definitely the coolest person he’s ever brought home.” So, basically, I feel that he probably started feeling distant and unattached because we were getting to a place where things were getting comfortable and our relationship was probably about to get more serious, and that was scary for him (even if he didn’t realize that that was what was going on in his head), and so he decided to break it off.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mina,

      you might be right.. either he was scared to commit or the relationship got boring for him.. either way, if he really is serious or not, you’ll know during or after nc coz he will have some time to think… you’re about to end nc..did you make it active and posting about it? Think of interesting topics for a first contact text..

  25. Jenn - 0

    Jenn

    What can you do to get him back if he is protecting himself? I’m certain that’s what he’s doing.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jenn,

      what do you mean that he’s protecting himself and why?

  26. Rue - 0

    Rue

    Oh boy. This article hit the nail on the head. I think my ex is definitely protecting himself. My situation is complicated and our breakup happened last month. I have been in an unhappy marriage for years (married 20+ years. Hubby just moved out, not because he wasn’t willing to stay and try to work it out, but because I didn’t want to. It’s over for me). I had been having an affair for the last three months (although we’d liked each other for a year before that and were trying to avoid going down that road). I decided to tell hubby. I knew boyfriend was a bit of a wild card, so I didn’t base my decision only on him, however, I was looking forward to spending more time with him. Boyfriend is kind of cold/distant when chatting online, but was great on the phone or in person, except in one area, he would never talk about relationship things. Not about old ones, not about ours. He would shut down. He did tell me once something to the effect that he’s all about his work and his son and not so much relationships. He has an ex he has a child with and she’s been a nightmare at times and really put him through the wringer. I finally told hubby everything and that I was done. The next day boyfriend was supportive. Said he’d be there for me and even started opening up to me a little. The night after that, he broke up with me and blocked me on Facebook. Cold turkey. No discussion (although he gave me time to cry and say what I wanted, but he was cut and dry, said nothing and was just done).

    This is the trigger that set him off. The same day I told hubby. I messaged boyfriends ex girlfriend who he’s still friends with. He’s had a string of girlfriends break up with him because he’s a bad communicator (from what I’ve seen, it’s really that he pushes them away and they eventually break up with him). Anyway, his friend told hhim messaged her. He wasn’t very happy. Come to find out his crazy ex used to make fake accounts (I had a fake account to talk to him)break would contact his friends/family and make up lies and cause major drama. She has even driven away girlfriends. She has been a major problem. He didn’t seem too upset the first day that I talked to his friend. I talked to her more. She started sending him select screenshot of our convos. I made a flippant comment about jealousy (hubby was not always loyal and I am definitely leery about betrayal, but it doesn’t control me. Even hubby would say I’ve handle it with grace and class). THAT’S when boyfriend freaked out. He said he can’t deal with drama and kept going back to the jealousy comment even though my intention in writing to his friend was only to ask for advice on what she’d have done differently with him concerning his lack of communication. Jealousy wasn’t even in my mind when I wrote to her. He told his friend WOW………….. And said I was just some girl who had a crush on him and that SHE (the friend) was the woman he wanted to be with ( she lives away, they rarely see each other, but are good friends). Boom. Done. He broke up with me and blocked me on FB. {Insert sobs of grief here}. I don’t know if what he said was just just a knee jerk reaction or if he truly would rather be with her. She was shocked. She was surprised since it had been a few years since they’d been together. She also couldn’t believe that he’d just dismiss me so fast and say I was just a lady with a crush. She said that clearly he still wasn’t ready for any kind of a real relationship if he’d treat me like that.

    I left him alone for a week (even though I could still talk to him on Snapchat or text) then wrote a letter to him. He works a lot so didn’t get it for almost 2 weeks after I sent it. He didn’t read it for another week or two, then told me he had read some of it, would finish it later, but that he did like one thing I’d said. It wasnt even a very long letter 3 pages (Counting each front/back as a page) on very small stationary.) He has communicated with me some since. Very little and only if I don’t talk about us. He said he’d still be there if I need him. He’s still a bad communicator. ๐Ÿ˜› I saw him at the store where I work one day. I just acted casual, happy and friendly like I do to all my customers and he was friendly/civil but wouldn’t look at me. I just started the NC rule. This is day 5. The first 4 days were torture! LOL! But I’m feeling my mind break free just a little. I’m determined to do this right. He let me be myself. We could talk for hours so easily (just not online -says he hates texting, but originally he did text). I love him (although I had yet to tell him that yet). Sometimes I wonder if it was ever anything more than just a fling for him. But then I remember the last time we were together he was opening up some and I thought things were good. Until boom! It wasn’t. I should probably note. He’s 13 years younger. And this isn’t “his first circus” from what little he’s told me. It sounds to me like he’s had a couple of longish relationships, and a bunch where he’s a bad communicator and his gfs leave him (which I’d say, they leave because he pushes them away. Answers texts less and less, more short answers. At first he was great). Also not the first time he’d been with a married woman. He travels a lot (local area only -one county) for his work. Is he just a player? Do I have a snowballs chance in hell of getting him back or have I completely botched it? Is it worth it? I think he is, but I’ve had an irrational love for that man right from the start with my brain waiting against my heart. (Sorry for the book length post)

    Reply
    • Rue - 0

      Rue

      My brain warring… Not waiting. Sorry for the typos. Thought I’d proof it all until I hit send and THEN I spotted some ๐Ÿ˜›

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rue,

      Is he afraid to commit?

    • Rue - 0

      Rue

      I don’t know. I’ve been torn between trying to decide if he’s afraid or if he’s just a player who only likes the thrill of the chase and the firsts and sex. Or maybe he really does just want his ex. He won’t discuss anything. So I’m trying to give him some space either to win him back or to just help me move on. This is SO hard. I wish he’d just be blunt and level with me. God love him, he’s a stubborn, difficult man and I love him in spite of himself.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Okay, you said you have irrational love for him. So, basically that’s what you need to work on first. Because even if you manage to attract him back physically, if internally you’re imbalanced, this will all repeat itself. Spend your nc working on that first.

    • Rue - 0

      Rue

      The only thing harder than day 5 of NC. Day 6. When he has contacted you and you still have 6 days left. You need a private, online support group. :-P. Got one?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Private? not yet but Chris is thinking of making a forum for this site. I’ll forward your suggestion to Chris Rue. Thank you very much!

    • Rue - 0

      Rue

      I meant 24 days left

  27. Joanne - 0

    Joanne

    A day before he break up with me, he told me that he dream that I leaving him and he feel so sad and wake up will tears. But I have told him that I wont leave him whenever situation, he know I love him more than everything.

    Reply
  28. Meredith - 0

    Meredith

    I’m sure I’ve posted almost 10 comments on your site in the past 2 days and can’t even remember what article I’ve commented on hahaha but this one definitely struck a chord.
    I’ve known right from the start that my ex didn’t want a relationship and said he’d never love me (you can probably guess that changed with me) and while I always knew that it was because of past relationships, I never really understood why he would assume I would do the same as his past exes.
    A few weeks into dating he of course asked me to be his gf. He was very on and off with his coldness and warmth until a few months down the track where he lost his guard and became very protective of me. E.g not liking me talking to males, preferring me to wear clothes that covered my chest and at least half my thigh. And while I was more than happy to oblige, I obviously still wanted to be able to go to a bar with friends, at this point he’d adopt the “Fine. Do what you want, go have fun” which of course would make me feel guilty and I’d stay home.
    Fast forward 5 months he tells me that I’m his princess, that he’s in love with me and he’ll never hurt me.
    Me: 2 Ex: 0
    Things are still fine and dandy,were living together at this stage. He decides that he doesnt want other guys thinking they can have me. What happens? Facebook official.
    Me: 3 Ex: 0
    Things are moving very quickly for people who have been together for 6 months. He buys me very expensive jewelry for our 6 months and we go out to dinner. He changes his profile picture to a picture of us.
    Me: 4 Ex: 0
    Now why am I telling you all these useless facts? Because I had been told at the beginning that none of this would EVER happen.
    At this stage, Exes are almost a taboo subject and even the mention of another male that isn’t obviously friend zoned makes him shut down and go all cold.
    Reverse the situation.
    He messages an ex and I’m not allowed to get jealous about it
    Me: 4 Ex: 1
    This continues and I start to suspect he’s doing it to get a reaction out of me, maybe in a way to show that he is boss? And that because he is still very emotionless and detached he doesn’t give many f*cks. (Excuse my Australian slang).
    Okay I’m rambling now
    Basically, he was allowed to judge me based on his other rude, cheating and crap ex girlfriends, and because of that he believed he could be detached as he pleased.
    Me: 4 Ex: 3
    It comes to the last few weeks of our relationship. I had started to get very outgoing, had started a new job with males (my job before was only females) and as it was turning into hotter days, started to wear tank tops and skirts so I wasn’t melting in my own skin.
    I then break his trust and touch his old phone to find he had just begun to talk to another girl (which turns out to just be a bet with his friend). But because of this “trust breach” he shuts down completely and a week later were over on his terms.
    Me: 4 Ex: 4
    Is it fair for me to assume that although I had done everything right previously to make him believe I actually wasn’t going to hurt him, this one act changed his entire mind, damaging our relationship?
    It’s been going on in my mind the past week that I was his expection to everything. He did activities with me he swore he’d never do with another girl. (Nothing sexual I swear ),Facebook official, relationship, hell, he even fell in love with me, and we were living together at 3 months.
    That even after everything, the relationship moving quickly and phone incident, may have made him shut down so entirely that he needed to push me away so I wouldn’t hurt him?
    Me: ?? Ex: ?? Chris: ??

    Reply
  29. Anonymous - 0

    Anonymous

    If your ex breaks up with you to protect himself… Say from your “want history to repeat itself” or any of the other reasons you listed here…. Is there still any hope for reconciliation….??? Even you said it is hard to change a man’s mind. If he is set that history is repeating itself … How do you overcome that? You don’t really go much info solutions here for these circumstances?

    Thanks for your help! Still very informative article…

    Reply
  30. Rebecca - 0

    Rebecca

    Can the marriage factor freak a guy out an influence his decision to break up to you even though he has already proposed to you?

    We just got engaged in December, we booked our venue in June, he drew the cake he wanted in my wedding scrapbook in July then broke up with me in August.

    He hasn’t really given me a solid reason for breaking up and has even told others that we had a great relationship and can’t complain about it but he just doesn’t know if he is still ‘in love’ with me anymore.

    I’m sure there is more than one reason behind it but could the marriage factor still be one even though he has already proposed… like he freaked out when the wedding start becoming a reality?

    Reply
  31. Amanda - 0

    Amanda

    I have been very much appreciating your site! Best ever….my situation, though I can, and am, following the NC rule successfully so far, feels a little different than some. I have been successfully dating a guy for 5 months (until a week ago) with zero fights, a lot of love, and being as unneedy as possible while just enjoying each other. He’s a sweet guy and we encourage one another with kind words during the week, etc.
    About a month ago we hit a busy point where between kids and work we were seeing less of one another and contact was lacking, so I invited him to a party and had determined that I was going to let the relationship fizzle if he didnt go. He was thrilled I invited him – cut out of work early and we had a wonderful time. That night I let him know that I had been thinking of not seeing him anymore because I just felt there wasn’t enough time. He quickly asked me not to do that and was very attentive from that point on again. BUT…that night (with liquid encouragenent) he told me he was afraid to feel what he was feeling for me because his ex (who will come up again later) cheated on him and since I am pretty (he said that I’m not being vain) he worries I will ditch him and hurt him, said he didn’t intend to fall for me but that he did.
    That’s all great-next day he didn’t remember telling me any of it (yeah right!)
    Long story short we have had no problems but his ex wife recently was dumped and started feeling suicidal and ran back to him…ge told me last week that he let her move in because she couldn’t afford her apartment (they have kids) and that he can’t stand her being there because she drinks all the time and makes it miserable having her there. He said he didn’t know if they were going to try to work things out and that he didn’t know what he was doing but didn’t want to leave her stranded (master manipulator she is)….my heart broke when I heard this but I didn’t let him see, I just tried to point out that she was using him and go into psychologist mode (that’s my degree). He hugged me and said he isn’t trying to sleep with her, isn’t wanting to date anyone else – it’s always been just me. I asked if he felt he still cared about her and needed to find out one last time if there was anything between them before being able to know in his heart that he was done (I went thru the same with my ex) and he, shocked that I understood, said yes. I said “ok I understand, you have to do this for you then…but what do I do? Do I not call or text?” He said we shouldn’t right now to avoid confusion between us. I said OK.

    We left (he had to follow me because he had met me to help with car trouble – we had this conversation on the side of the road)

    On the way home, with him behind me on the eway, I talked to my best friend…she said I should’ve told him that I love him so he knew and so I had no regrets if this didn’t work in my favor. So u pulled off the eway and when he went to look at my car I said “my car is fine I just wanted to hug you one more (nay be I said one last) time”. He hugged me so very tight and I said “you shouldn’t give your time to someone who doesn’t love you when someone loves you like I do”. He pulled back looked into my eyes and kissed me and said “let’s just see what happens.”
    While walking me to my door he said with a smile “I can’t believe you pulled over on the eway to tell me that” I touched the front of his shirt and all I could say was ” I love you”.
    He hugged me again and I said “whatever happens is ok – just please don’t settle”.
    We got into our cars, he looked back n smiled and we parted.
    So………..I’m in NC because he asked that we not make contact right now , and also because I’m strictly following your advice! Even if he makes contact I won’t budge for the full 30 days…
    Am I to follow just as if it was a break up (I mean it basically is) but it’s different than what I’m reading.
    Basically I’m waiting for him to figure himself out and realize once again his ex is a disaster….. (they divorced in 2011) and for him to remember me and come back.
    Help…haha I know I can be successful with your advice and am willing to follow along!!

    Reply
    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      Ps…that’s the first time I mentioned anything about feelings of love. He told me weeks prior he was starting to feel he loved me.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      How far into NC are you?

      Also good job for doing it.

      Check out my latest article on NC to get my updated thoughts on it.

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      Today is only 8 days… I had a small emotional meltdown yesterday, I went to the grocery store outside of my town after picking my kids up at their grandma’s and as I walked in I saw him and his ex wife walking out. I don’t believe they saw me (thankfully because I was a mess) but I took the wind out of me. They were juat walking side by side, no hand holding or anything (we used to hild hands haha). He talked so negatively about her but here they are grocery shopping!?
      I wanted to angry text but didn’t … and eventually I got a grip and remembered what I read about when you said basically to mentally tell yourself you are much better than the girl he’s with now. It’s hard…..very hard cause she’s his ex wife, mother of his kids, determined to get him back (because he is her easy target) and then here’s me…the one he bailed on. I am feeling like the only chance I have is if she screws up and begins drinking and cheating again. But …. I am committed to see this through the 30 days because ya just never know. And I am a very determined girl (plus I love a good psych project). I am going to purchase your book today so I am well prepared plus it is great insight. Is there anything else I should be doing? Just improving me?
      I wish I could see into their situation so I knew just how involved they are…also I wonder if I should just leave it alone since they have a family they could mend? ……thoughts?

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      I read your update. In my situation, where he suggested no contact but told me he was giving his ex 2 weeks to get herself together or get out, should I NC in 21 and send a short text with a clever means to put a good memory in his head or should I 30 day? I guess if I go 21 why not go another 9 right? Thoughts?

  32. Liz - 0

    Liz

    Is it possible to get an ex boyfriend after he broke up with you to protect himself?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Yes, usually that’s just an excuse but you can overcome it.

  33. shoegal - 0

    shoegal

    Dear Chris,
    Your advice would mean everything to me. I read your articles religiously and I find them extremely helpful, though I can’t find a suggestion that would suit my case best, so I would really appreciate your advice!
    Me and him were in a relationship for almost 6 years. We’re both 23-year-olds and he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We were an amazing couple, love from the first sight. We had this magical ‘thing’. We communicated perfectly and could always work things out together. Absolutely NOTHING went wrong between us. I was never obsessively controlling him, expecting him to marry me etc. Suddenly, a 1,5 month ago, he got scared I think (we planned to move in together for the first time) and broke up with me using some cliche excuses, like he needs to be alone, he endlessly reassured me that’s him, not me and that he doesn’t regret a single moment spent with me and still wants to stay in touch, but as friends. But that’s not all. He said that he felt too safe with me always being supportive. He said he doesn’t know himself, because he has never spent a day as a single. He doesn’t like himself and needs to become a better, true male and work on himself. He said he must have freedom to do everything that he wants in his life and with me by his side it wouldn’t really be possible. He doesn’t want to regret never trying how it’s like to be with someone else and must take the risk (kinda ‘grass is greener’ I feel). He cried a lot and got really emotional. But I was not begging him to come back, I told him the opposite, that it’s tough for me, because I truly love him, but I won’t beg for anything. He was relieved when I said so. Chris, I am sure he’s the one. What was between us was magical. I will do anything to reignite the spark.
    Now, I’m going through the no contact period of 30 days. It’s day 26. Chris, taking into consideration what he revealed, he apparently needs time on his own, but on the other hand I’m scared, because he said he doesn’t want to regret having only one girlfriend in his life. The thought he may involve with someone else makes me wanna die. Do you recommend no contact for more than 30 days in this case or should I just proceed to texting as it’s suggested after that? I was thinking that maybe it would be better to wait until he feels it’s right for him to contact me (as he wants to stay in touch), but I also feel that I cannot wait forever until he does that first if I want him back, because it may never happen as well (especially if he finds a rebound), what do you think? And another question, is there any recommended time that texting should last before I suggest we catch up over coffee? I don’t want to keep texting for too long and accidentally become a friend.
    I would be more than happy to get your advice.

    Thank you,
    Shoegal

    Reply
  34. Crystal - 0

    Crystal

    So, I dated this guy for 9 months. He told me a the beginning that he was afraid that he was going to hurt me because he had “walls up” due to past relationships. I decided to risk dating him anyway because I’m not the type to fall for anyone quickly, but pretty soon I was head over heels. He would do really sweet things to show me he cared like pick up my favorite bottle of wine, cook for me, make special plans, wait on me to watch the newest episode of “our” show, etc. Yet, he would never verbalize that he cared. If I told him that I cared about him or missed him, his response was always “Aww, you’re too sweet!” He never introduced me to anyone else in his life, and when I asked him about it, he said that he’s always been that way. I didn’t pressure him about it, I just figured it was part of the commitment issues and would eventually work itself out. Overall, things were great, we were compatible and had chemistry. I finally asked him if we could talk about us, and he agreed that he thought that was a good idea. He didn’t seem hesitant in the slightest. He took me out for a fancy dinner, bought a bottle of wine, everything seemed fine…then he broke up with me in the car! His reasoning was that he is consumed by work (he is a workaholic), and he didn’t feel like he was devoting as much time and attention to me as he should and I deserve better. His job has never bothered me, but he has had 2 serious relationships that ended due to his job. I didn’t really know what to say at the time of the breakup, so I thought about it a day, and decided to send an email. There was no begging or pleading, I just told him how I felt, and let him know that I would be fine if he still thought ending the relationship was best. He texted me to tell me that he would read it and respond, but he never sent a response. I waited a little over a week and asked for my stuff back. I just told him if he would gather up my things and let me know when he’s be home, I’d send a friend by to get them. He responded back that he thought he’d bring me my things and us do lunch. I told him that I didn’t think having lunch was a good idea because I said everything I needed to, and he hasn’t indicated that he felt any differently. He never replied. I waited a couple of days before asking about getting my stuff again, and he finally told me when my friend could come by and get my things, and he did go on to say that he had planned to respond to my email, but he decided it would be easier for me if he didn’t, but he could respond if I wanted him to. I told him I’d rather have an honest response than silence, and I didn’t need him to decide what’s best for me. I haven’t heard a word from him since…Is there hope, or is this a hopeless cause?

    Reply
    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Today will be day 10 of NC, and still no word from him. Any advice other than to keep on doing what I’m doing?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I just had a woman on the site say she was giving up hope and on the 29th day of no contact her ex contacted her. Don’t give up on it. Just try to fill your life with other things that you enjoy to do and it will make no contact a lot easier.

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Thanks, I’ve been trying to stay busy, but it’s still hard! This situation is just a bit different because there wasn’t actually anything “wrong” in the relationship and the breakup was what I consider amicable. He pushed me away and ended things for his own reasons. If he doesn’t contact me, I don’t think I’ll attempt to contact him because I already told him how I felt after the breakup, and I feel like the ball is in his court now.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      There’s something more to that. People almost always have a reason for breaking up. Continue with no contact, you will do ok. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Let me re-phrase that, I’m sure there is a reason for the breakup on his side, but I don’t think it actually had anything to do with me. On a side note, one thing that I found strange is that when I asked for my stuff, I specifically mentioned the things that I wanted, but he included other things like the gifts he had given me, my toothbrush, used disposable razor, tampons, etc. Is that normal because it seems like something someone mad would do, or am I reading into it? Anyway, today is day 28, and I haven’t broken contact! I suppose it’s easier that he hasn’t attempted to contact me because it would be harder for me to ignore him if he did.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Yeah your doing good. He probably is trying to scare you by giving all of your stuff back or he’s mad at you. Give it some time.

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Thanks, will do! I appreciate the help! By the way, I’m really glad you created this site. It teaches women how to handle breakups with dignity and helps us to move on if we aren’t able to get our ex back =)

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I try to help the best I can! Thanks for your support.

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Update: Today is day 49 of no contact, and I still haven’t heard a word from him. As much as I want to contact him, I feel like I put everything out there for him, and now it’s his choice if he wants back in my life. I did hear a rumor that he has been seeing someone else, but I don’t know that I believe the source. However, he is the type that might get in a rebound relationship so that he doesn’t have to think about it, so it is possible. I just find it strange that he hasn’t contacted me because he has this almost obsessive need to remain friends with his exes. He’s told me this, and I know it truly bothers him if he doesn’t remain cordial with all his exes. Any ideas on this?

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