Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?

304 thoughts on “Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?”

Rue

February 7, 2016 at 11:42 am

Oh boy. This article hit the nail on the head. I think my ex is definitely protecting himself. My situation is complicated and our breakup happened last month. I have been in an unhappy marriage for years (married 20+ years. Hubby just moved out, not because he wasn’t willing to stay and try to work it out, but because I didn’t want to. It’s over for me). I had been having an affair for the last three months (although we’d liked each other for a year before that and were trying to avoid going down that road). I decided to tell hubby. I knew boyfriend was a bit of a wild card, so I didn’t base my decision only on him, however, I was looking forward to spending more time with him. Boyfriend is kind of cold/distant when chatting online, but was great on the phone or in person, except in one area, he would never talk about relationship things. Not about old ones, not about ours. He would shut down. He did tell me once something to the effect that he’s all about his work and his son and not so much relationships. He has an ex he has a child with and she’s been a nightmare at times and really put him through the wringer. I finally told hubby everything and that I was done. The next day boyfriend was supportive. Said he’d be there for me and even started opening up to me a little. The night after that, he broke up with me and blocked me on Facebook. Cold turkey. No discussion (although he gave me time to cry and say what I wanted, but he was cut and dry, said nothing and was just done).

This is the trigger that set him off. The same day I told hubby. I messaged boyfriends ex girlfriend who he’s still friends with. He’s had a string of girlfriends break up with him because he’s a bad communicator (from what I’ve seen, it’s really that he pushes them away and they eventually break up with him). Anyway, his friend told hhim messaged her. He wasn’t very happy. Come to find out his crazy ex used to make fake accounts (I had a fake account to talk to him)break would contact his friends/family and make up lies and cause major drama. She has even driven away girlfriends. She has been a major problem. He didn’t seem too upset the first day that I talked to his friend. I talked to her more. She started sending him select screenshot of our convos. I made a flippant comment about jealousy (hubby was not always loyal and I am definitely leery about betrayal, but it doesn’t control me. Even hubby would say I’ve handle it with grace and class). THAT’S when boyfriend freaked out. He said he can’t deal with drama and kept going back to the jealousy comment even though my intention in writing to his friend was only to ask for advice on what she’d have done differently with him concerning his lack of communication. Jealousy wasn’t even in my mind when I wrote to her. He told his friend WOW………….. And said I was just some girl who had a crush on him and that SHE (the friend) was the woman he wanted to be with ( she lives away, they rarely see each other, but are good friends). Boom. Done. He broke up with me and blocked me on FB. {Insert sobs of grief here}. I don’t know if what he said was just just a knee jerk reaction or if he truly would rather be with her. She was shocked. She was surprised since it had been a few years since they’d been together. She also couldn’t believe that he’d just dismiss me so fast and say I was just a lady with a crush. She said that clearly he still wasn’t ready for any kind of a real relationship if he’d treat me like that.

I left him alone for a week (even though I could still talk to him on Snapchat or text) then wrote a letter to him. He works a lot so didn’t get it for almost 2 weeks after I sent it. He didn’t read it for another week or two, then told me he had read some of it, would finish it later, but that he did like one thing I’d said. It wasnt even a very long letter 3 pages (Counting each front/back as a page) on very small stationary.) He has communicated with me some since. Very little and only if I don’t talk about us. He said he’d still be there if I need him. He’s still a bad communicator. 😛 I saw him at the store where I work one day. I just acted casual, happy and friendly like I do to all my customers and he was friendly/civil but wouldn’t look at me. I just started the NC rule. This is day 5. The first 4 days were torture! LOL! But I’m feeling my mind break free just a little. I’m determined to do this right. He let me be myself. We could talk for hours so easily (just not online -says he hates texting, but originally he did text). I love him (although I had yet to tell him that yet). Sometimes I wonder if it was ever anything more than just a fling for him. But then I remember the last time we were together he was opening up some and I thought things were good. Until boom! It wasn’t. I should probably note. He’s 13 years younger. And this isn’t “his first circus” from what little he’s told me. It sounds to me like he’s had a couple of longish relationships, and a bunch where he’s a bad communicator and his gfs leave him (which I’d say, they leave because he pushes them away. Answers texts less and less, more short answers. At first he was great). Also not the first time he’d been with a married woman. He travels a lot (local area only -one county) for his work. Is he just a player? Do I have a snowballs chance in hell of getting him back or have I completely botched it? Is it worth it? I think he is, but I’ve had an irrational love for that man right from the start with my brain waiting against my heart. (Sorry for the book length post)

Rue

February 8, 2016 at 6:30 am

I meant 24 days left
Rue

February 8, 2016 at 6:29 am

The only thing harder than day 5 of NC. Day 6. When he has contacted you and you still have 6 days left. You need a private, online support group. :-P. Got one?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2016 at 10:10 am

Private? not yet but Chris is thinking of making a forum for this site. I’ll forward your suggestion to Chris Rue. Thank you very much!
Rue

February 7, 2016 at 10:42 pm

I don’t know. I’ve been torn between trying to decide if he’s afraid or if he’s just a player who only likes the thrill of the chase and the firsts and sex. Or maybe he really does just want his ex. He won’t discuss anything. So I’m trying to give him some space either to win him back or to just help me move on. This is SO hard. I wish he’d just be blunt and level with me. God love him, he’s a stubborn, difficult man and I love him in spite of himself.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2016 at 9:08 am

Okay, you said you have irrational love for him. So, basically that’s what you need to work on first. Because even if you manage to attract him back physically, if internally you’re imbalanced, this will all repeat itself. Spend your nc working on that first.
Rue

February 7, 2016 at 11:50 am

My brain warring… Not waiting. Sorry for the typos. Thought I’d proof it all until I hit send and THEN I spotted some 😛
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 5:52 pm

Hi Rue,

Is he afraid to commit?

Joanne

December 9, 2015 at 1:29 am

A day before he break up with me, he told me that he dream that I leaving him and he feel so sad and wake up will tears. But I have told him that I wont leave him whenever situation, he know I love him more than everything.
Meredith

October 2, 2015 at 11:15 am

I’m sure I’ve posted almost 10 comments on your site in the past 2 days and can’t even remember what article I’ve commented on hahaha but this one definitely struck a chord.
I’ve known right from the start that my ex didn’t want a relationship and said he’d never love me (you can probably guess that changed with me) and while I always knew that it was because of past relationships, I never really understood why he would assume I would do the same as his past exes.
A few weeks into dating he of course asked me to be his gf. He was very on and off with his coldness and warmth until a few months down the track where he lost his guard and became very protective of me. E.g not liking me talking to males, preferring me to wear clothes that covered my chest and at least half my thigh. And while I was more than happy to oblige, I obviously still wanted to be able to go to a bar with friends, at this point he’d adopt the “Fine. Do what you want, go have fun” which of course would make me feel guilty and I’d stay home.
Fast forward 5 months he tells me that I’m his princess, that he’s in love with me and he’ll never hurt me.
Me: 2 Ex: 0
Things are still fine and dandy,were living together at this stage. He decides that he doesnt want other guys thinking they can have me. What happens? Facebook official.
Me: 3 Ex: 0
Things are moving very quickly for people who have been together for 6 months. He buys me very expensive jewelry for our 6 months and we go out to dinner. He changes his profile picture to a picture of us.
Me: 4 Ex: 0
Now why am I telling you all these useless facts? Because I had been told at the beginning that none of this would EVER happen.
At this stage, Exes are almost a taboo subject and even the mention of another male that isn’t obviously friend zoned makes him shut down and go all cold.
Reverse the situation.
He messages an ex and I’m not allowed to get jealous about it
Me: 4 Ex: 1
This continues and I start to suspect he’s doing it to get a reaction out of me, maybe in a way to show that he is boss? And that because he is still very emotionless and detached he doesn’t give many f*cks. (Excuse my Australian slang).
Okay I’m rambling now
Basically, he was allowed to judge me based on his other rude, cheating and crap ex girlfriends, and because of that he believed he could be detached as he pleased.
Me: 4 Ex: 3
It comes to the last few weeks of our relationship. I had started to get very outgoing, had started a new job with males (my job before was only females) and as it was turning into hotter days, started to wear tank tops and skirts so I wasn’t melting in my own skin.
I then break his trust and touch his old phone to find he had just begun to talk to another girl (which turns out to just be a bet with his friend). But because of this “trust breach” he shuts down completely and a week later were over on his terms.
Me: 4 Ex: 4
Is it fair for me to assume that although I had done everything right previously to make him believe I actually wasn’t going to hurt him, this one act changed his entire mind, damaging our relationship?
It’s been going on in my mind the past week that I was his expection to everything. He did activities with me he swore he’d never do with another girl. (Nothing sexual I swear ),Facebook official, relationship, hell, he even fell in love with me, and we were living together at 3 months.
That even after everything, the relationship moving quickly and phone incident, may have made him shut down so entirely that he needed to push me away so I wouldn’t hurt him?
Me: ?? Ex: ?? Chris: ??
Anonymous

September 23, 2015 at 11:42 am

If your ex breaks up with you to protect himself… Say from your “want history to repeat itself” or any of the other reasons you listed here…. Is there still any hope for reconciliation….??? Even you said it is hard to change a man’s mind. If he is set that history is repeating itself … How do you overcome that? You don’t really go much info solutions here for these circumstances?

Thanks for your help! Still very informative article…
Rebecca

September 14, 2015 at 12:16 pm

Can the marriage factor freak a guy out an influence his decision to break up to you even though he has already proposed to you?

We just got engaged in December, we booked our venue in June, he drew the cake he wanted in my wedding scrapbook in July then broke up with me in August.

He hasn’t really given me a solid reason for breaking up and has even told others that we had a great relationship and can’t complain about it but he just doesn’t know if he is still ‘in love’ with me anymore.

I’m sure there is more than one reason behind it but could the marriage factor still be one even though he has already proposed… like he freaked out when the wedding start becoming a reality?
Amanda

September 1, 2015 at 2:42 pm

I have been very much appreciating your site! Best ever….my situation, though I can, and am, following the NC rule successfully so far, feels a little different than some. I have been successfully dating a guy for 5 months (until a week ago) with zero fights, a lot of love, and being as unneedy as possible while just enjoying each other. He’s a sweet guy and we encourage one another with kind words during the week, etc.
About a month ago we hit a busy point where between kids and work we were seeing less of one another and contact was lacking, so I invited him to a party and had determined that I was going to let the relationship fizzle if he didnt go. He was thrilled I invited him – cut out of work early and we had a wonderful time. That night I let him know that I had been thinking of not seeing him anymore because I just felt there wasn’t enough time. He quickly asked me not to do that and was very attentive from that point on again. BUT…that night (with liquid encouragenent) he told me he was afraid to feel what he was feeling for me because his ex (who will come up again later) cheated on him and since I am pretty (he said that I’m not being vain) he worries I will ditch him and hurt him, said he didn’t intend to fall for me but that he did.
That’s all great-next day he didn’t remember telling me any of it (yeah right!)
Long story short we have had no problems but his ex wife recently was dumped and started feeling suicidal and ran back to him…ge told me last week that he let her move in because she couldn’t afford her apartment (they have kids) and that he can’t stand her being there because she drinks all the time and makes it miserable having her there. He said he didn’t know if they were going to try to work things out and that he didn’t know what he was doing but didn’t want to leave her stranded (master manipulator she is)….my heart broke when I heard this but I didn’t let him see, I just tried to point out that she was using him and go into psychologist mode (that’s my degree). He hugged me and said he isn’t trying to sleep with her, isn’t wanting to date anyone else – it’s always been just me. I asked if he felt he still cared about her and needed to find out one last time if there was anything between them before being able to know in his heart that he was done (I went thru the same with my ex) and he, shocked that I understood, said yes. I said “ok I understand, you have to do this for you then…but what do I do? Do I not call or text?” He said we shouldn’t right now to avoid confusion between us. I said OK.

We left (he had to follow me because he had met me to help with car trouble – we had this conversation on the side of the road)

On the way home, with him behind me on the eway, I talked to my best friend…she said I should’ve told him that I love him so he knew and so I had no regrets if this didn’t work in my favor. So u pulled off the eway and when he went to look at my car I said “my car is fine I just wanted to hug you one more (nay be I said one last) time”. He hugged me so very tight and I said “you shouldn’t give your time to someone who doesn’t love you when someone loves you like I do”. He pulled back looked into my eyes and kissed me and said “let’s just see what happens.”
While walking me to my door he said with a smile “I can’t believe you pulled over on the eway to tell me that” I touched the front of his shirt and all I could say was ” I love you”.
He hugged me again and I said “whatever happens is ok – just please don’t settle”.
We got into our cars, he looked back n smiled and we parted.
So………..I’m in NC because he asked that we not make contact right now , and also because I’m strictly following your advice! Even if he makes contact I won’t budge for the full 30 days…
Am I to follow just as if it was a break up (I mean it basically is) but it’s different than what I’m reading.
Basically I’m waiting for him to figure himself out and realize once again his ex is a disaster….. (they divorced in 2011) and for him to remember me and come back.
Help…haha I know I can be successful with your advice and am willing to follow along!!

Amanda

September 2, 2015 at 2:37 pm

I read your update. In my situation, where he suggested no contact but told me he was giving his ex 2 weeks to get herself together or get out, should I NC in 21 and send a short text with a clever means to put a good memory in his head or should I 30 day? I guess if I go 21 why not go another 9 right? Thoughts?
Amanda

September 2, 2015 at 2:17 pm

Today is only 8 days… I had a small emotional meltdown yesterday, I went to the grocery store outside of my town after picking my kids up at their grandma’s and as I walked in I saw him and his ex wife walking out. I don’t believe they saw me (thankfully because I was a mess) but I took the wind out of me. They were juat walking side by side, no hand holding or anything (we used to hild hands haha). He talked so negatively about her but here they are grocery shopping!?
I wanted to angry text but didn’t … and eventually I got a grip and remembered what I read about when you said basically to mentally tell yourself you are much better than the girl he’s with now. It’s hard…..very hard cause she’s his ex wife, mother of his kids, determined to get him back (because he is her easy target) and then here’s me…the one he bailed on. I am feeling like the only chance I have is if she screws up and begins drinking and cheating again. But …. I am committed to see this through the 30 days because ya just never know. And I am a very determined girl (plus I love a good psych project). I am going to purchase your book today so I am well prepared plus it is great insight. Is there anything else I should be doing? Just improving me?
I wish I could see into their situation so I knew just how involved they are…also I wonder if I should just leave it alone since they have a family they could mend? ……thoughts?
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:21 am

How far into NC are you?

Also good job for doing it.

Check out my latest article on NC to get my updated thoughts on it.
Amanda

September 1, 2015 at 2:59 pm

Ps…that’s the first time I mentioned anything about feelings of love. He told me weeks prior he was starting to feel he loved me.

Liz

August 24, 2015 at 9:08 am

Is it possible to get an ex boyfriend after he broke up with you to protect himself?

Chris Seiter

August 24, 2015 at 5:22 pm

Yes, usually that’s just an excuse but you can overcome it.

shoegal

July 26, 2015 at 11:51 am

Dear Chris,
Your advice would mean everything to me. I read your articles religiously and I find them extremely helpful, though I can’t find a suggestion that would suit my case best, so I would really appreciate your advice!
Me and him were in a relationship for almost 6 years. We’re both 23-year-olds and he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We were an amazing couple, love from the first sight. We had this magical ‘thing’. We communicated perfectly and could always work things out together. Absolutely NOTHING went wrong between us. I was never obsessively controlling him, expecting him to marry me etc. Suddenly, a 1,5 month ago, he got scared I think (we planned to move in together for the first time) and broke up with me using some cliche excuses, like he needs to be alone, he endlessly reassured me that’s him, not me and that he doesn’t regret a single moment spent with me and still wants to stay in touch, but as friends. But that’s not all. He said that he felt too safe with me always being supportive. He said he doesn’t know himself, because he has never spent a day as a single. He doesn’t like himself and needs to become a better, true male and work on himself. He said he must have freedom to do everything that he wants in his life and with me by his side it wouldn’t really be possible. He doesn’t want to regret never trying how it’s like to be with someone else and must take the risk (kinda ‘grass is greener’ I feel). He cried a lot and got really emotional. But I was not begging him to come back, I told him the opposite, that it’s tough for me, because I truly love him, but I won’t beg for anything. He was relieved when I said so. Chris, I am sure he’s the one. What was between us was magical. I will do anything to reignite the spark.
Now, I’m going through the no contact period of 30 days. It’s day 26. Chris, taking into consideration what he revealed, he apparently needs time on his own, but on the other hand I’m scared, because he said he doesn’t want to regret having only one girlfriend in his life. The thought he may involve with someone else makes me wanna die. Do you recommend no contact for more than 30 days in this case or should I just proceed to texting as it’s suggested after that? I was thinking that maybe it would be better to wait until he feels it’s right for him to contact me (as he wants to stay in touch), but I also feel that I cannot wait forever until he does that first if I want him back, because it may never happen as well (especially if he finds a rebound), what do you think? And another question, is there any recommended time that texting should last before I suggest we catch up over coffee? I don’t want to keep texting for too long and accidentally become a friend.
I would be more than happy to get your advice.

Thank you,
Shoegal
Crystal

July 23, 2015 at 1:36 pm

So, I dated this guy for 9 months. He told me a the beginning that he was afraid that he was going to hurt me because he had “walls up” due to past relationships. I decided to risk dating him anyway because I’m not the type to fall for anyone quickly, but pretty soon I was head over heels. He would do really sweet things to show me he cared like pick up my favorite bottle of wine, cook for me, make special plans, wait on me to watch the newest episode of “our” show, etc. Yet, he would never verbalize that he cared. If I told him that I cared about him or missed him, his response was always “Aww, you’re too sweet!” He never introduced me to anyone else in his life, and when I asked him about it, he said that he’s always been that way. I didn’t pressure him about it, I just figured it was part of the commitment issues and would eventually work itself out. Overall, things were great, we were compatible and had chemistry. I finally asked him if we could talk about us, and he agreed that he thought that was a good idea. He didn’t seem hesitant in the slightest. He took me out for a fancy dinner, bought a bottle of wine, everything seemed fine…then he broke up with me in the car! His reasoning was that he is consumed by work (he is a workaholic), and he didn’t feel like he was devoting as much time and attention to me as he should and I deserve better. His job has never bothered me, but he has had 2 serious relationships that ended due to his job. I didn’t really know what to say at the time of the breakup, so I thought about it a day, and decided to send an email. There was no begging or pleading, I just told him how I felt, and let him know that I would be fine if he still thought ending the relationship was best. He texted me to tell me that he would read it and respond, but he never sent a response. I waited a little over a week and asked for my stuff back. I just told him if he would gather up my things and let me know when he’s be home, I’d send a friend by to get them. He responded back that he thought he’d bring me my things and us do lunch. I told him that I didn’t think having lunch was a good idea because I said everything I needed to, and he hasn’t indicated that he felt any differently. He never replied. I waited a couple of days before asking about getting my stuff again, and he finally told me when my friend could come by and get my things, and he did go on to say that he had planned to respond to my email, but he decided it would be easier for me if he didn’t, but he could respond if I wanted him to. I told him I’d rather have an honest response than silence, and I didn’t need him to decide what’s best for me. I haven’t heard a word from him since…Is there hope, or is this a hopeless cause?

Crystal

September 9, 2015 at 8:17 pm

Update: Today is day 49 of no contact, and I still haven’t heard a word from him. As much as I want to contact him, I feel like I put everything out there for him, and now it’s his choice if he wants back in my life. I did hear a rumor that he has been seeing someone else, but I don’t know that I believe the source. However, he is the type that might get in a rebound relationship so that he doesn’t have to think about it, so it is possible. I just find it strange that he hasn’t contacted me because he has this almost obsessive need to remain friends with his exes. He’s told me this, and I know it truly bothers him if he doesn’t remain cordial with all his exes. Any ideas on this?
Crystal

August 19, 2015 at 2:41 pm

Thanks, will do! I appreciate the help! By the way, I’m really glad you created this site. It teaches women how to handle breakups with dignity and helps us to move on if we aren’t able to get our ex back =)
Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 7:03 pm

I try to help the best I can! Thanks for your support.
Crystal

August 18, 2015 at 2:42 pm

Let me re-phrase that, I’m sure there is a reason for the breakup on his side, but I don’t think it actually had anything to do with me. On a side note, one thing that I found strange is that when I asked for my stuff, I specifically mentioned the things that I wanted, but he included other things like the gifts he had given me, my toothbrush, used disposable razor, tampons, etc. Is that normal because it seems like something someone mad would do, or am I reading into it? Anyway, today is day 28, and I haven’t broken contact! I suppose it’s easier that he hasn’t attempted to contact me because it would be harder for me to ignore him if he did.
Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 3:06 am

Yeah your doing good. He probably is trying to scare you by giving all of your stuff back or he’s mad at you. Give it some time.
Crystal

August 10, 2015 at 3:11 pm

Thanks, I’ve been trying to stay busy, but it’s still hard! This situation is just a bit different because there wasn’t actually anything “wrong” in the relationship and the breakup was what I consider amicable. He pushed me away and ended things for his own reasons. If he doesn’t contact me, I don’t think I’ll attempt to contact him because I already told him how I felt after the breakup, and I feel like the ball is in his court now.
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 7:10 pm

There’s something more to that. People almost always have a reason for breaking up. Continue with no contact, you will do ok. 🙂
Crystal

July 31, 2015 at 1:39 pm

Today will be day 10 of NC, and still no word from him. Any advice other than to keep on doing what I’m doing?
Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 9:18 pm

I just had a woman on the site say she was giving up hope and on the 29th day of no contact her ex contacted her. Don’t give up on it. Just try to fill your life with other things that you enjoy to do and it will make no contact a lot easier.

Lisa

July 12, 2015 at 7:10 am

Hey Chris,
this is going to be a long story..SORRY

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 4 months (I know short time) and ended it on July 8th with him saying that “he really thinks he doesn`t want a relationship right now”. Three weeks before we came back from a 1 week vacation were we were fighting a lot..(in general out of the four months we’ve been in a lot of arguments for the last two months.)..and after that vacation he said he needed time to think about stuff and that he doesn’t feel the same anymore.
Now I was starting to nag and became a gnat ’cause you see… before that, this guy was texting me ALL the time, plus, every morning and night I got the sweetest messages. (Damn I regret not giving him his space and basically forcing him to break up with me…so stupid!)

When we first met I just got out of a relationship where I was cheated on and lied to in every way possible…and he knew and was trying to convince me that he’s a good man and trying to win my trust.
For the first weeks everything was perfect he said to me he couldnt believe how comfortable he was around me without knowing me for this long etc…
Then he started talking about the flings and hookups he had before me..and brought up these girls in very inappropriate situations, plus he checks out other girls a lot… which was bringing my trust issues back,…which eventually always ended in arguments, small or big and him saying he feels he cant make me happy or that he has to watch his words too much with me.

Now, to his side of the story..he was married for 7 years and just got divorced a little over a year ago…after that he had some casual flings but wasnt dating anyone..he even told me I was the first girl he really liked and that he could see a future with (yup, hurts to think that I messed this up by being jealous and clingy when I should’ve truste him all along).
His ex wife cheated on him and he said himself..if we met earlier it probably wouldn’t have worked out cause he was feeling hatred and resentment towards women.
Thinking back now, I feel like when he brought up his hookups when we were getting really close was probably his way of getting some distance between us…subconsciously making sure he wouldn’t get hurt again..and me freaking out about him talking about them or checking out other girls was my way (not a good or effective one) of not getting cheated on again.

Now after the vacation we saw us on both weekends..he was being quite distant but I was doing everything to be the cool caring girlfriend and he definitely noticed and said he was feeling bad for being so distant when I am putting in so much effort…him being distant these last few week made me realize how much I messed up and that I needed to make a 180..and the last two weekends showed me that my jealousy is in proper control..cause being with him is more important to me than anything else…talk about wake up call. (actually when he was being distant on the weekend I got onto my phone and he showed a little jealousy by asking who I was walking to I replied “why are you asking” cause he never cared before who I was tealking to and he said ” if it’s a guy don’t do it here at my house..that’s disrespectulf etc. and I told him I only want him and wen to proof him with a kiss ;;)

So on Monday this week we kinda agreed that we would just see where it goes..not labeling it but still not messing around with anyone else…and I was SOOO happy to hear that..cause I felt like I could win him back by being the UG that I have been when he first fell for me. Then he didnt respond to any of my texts tuesday and wednesday and the GNAT was in full force again..basicall forcing him to tell me he doesnt want a relationship on wednesday night (I was getting on his nerves big time), thursday I texted him somewhat and told him I still had the concert tickets I got him for his birthday( his bday is next month and the concert is in october) and that we would still go and he should mark this day in his calender because by then he will have fallen for me again ;). he laughed and said ok.
On Friday I found out that his ex wife got engaged to someone new on tuesday (when he started to full on ignore me..I guess this could be something that just adds to his confusion and the mindset that he doesn’t want a relationship right now).

Now I’m in no contact on day 2, and I will do ANYTHING to get this man back. He has been fantastic in the beginning and I have a lot of understanding that it isn’t easy for him either to start a new relationship and commit to someone (although he said before that he’s so happy that with me he’d never have to worry about cheating on him). The big problem we’re facing is, he is in the military and in december he will start his new assignment in England..we knew right from the beginning he would have to leave and I was the one who was sad and confused about it while he was saying “it’ll workout..don’t worry for now”, but now that he is selling his house and cars he knows that it isn’t long till December anymore (that’s another reason why he doesn’t want a relationship now) but we talked about it before and I could move to England in February to finish my master’s thesis.. so there wouldn’t even be an LDR for longer than maybe 8 weeks.

He is an amazing men, and I was happy with him but couldn’t get a hold of my trust issues before, but if anyone ever deserved to be trusted it’s him. I want to do a 25 day NC because time is so valuable when he has to leave in december…I really hope I have another chance with him, as he’s been patient for so long with me and I just ruined it. When he became distant I realized I majorly effed up.

He said he still liked me and cares about me and wouldn’t just cut me off, and he always said I was so caring and sweet..that I probably did more for him in 4 months than his ex in 7 years with him.
Do you think , taking all these determinants into consideration ( his divorce, his ex getting married again, me being a jealous nagging girlfriend that more than likely left some bad aftertaste, and him leaving in december) there’s still a chance?

Thank you so much for all you do on this page!
AM

June 22, 2015 at 3:11 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m loving all of your advice and every time I feel myself about to break the NC rule I re-read your posts over and over. I’m dealing with a mixture of a stubborn (strong minded) man who is also afraid of making the same mistakes he’s made before so he’s ended what I thought was a great relationship. We never fought, we had fantastic chemistry, our sex life was like nothing we’ve ever had before but to be completely honest in order to get a better feel of our situation, you should know our relationship was based on an affair. I’m in a sexless, unhappy marriage and we met online with the sole purpose of just having a sexual affair. It soon turned into something deeper and 3 months into it without warning he ended it abruptly completely catching me off guard. He’s reason – was that he felt guilty for going after a married woman and he wants to be a better person than that. I am now separated for my own reasons but still have very deep feeling for this man I had the affair with. I’m at the tail end of my 30 NC but when we left off he had asked me not to contact him as he needed space and was currently seeking therapy. I’m not sure if contacting him after the 30 days will help or hurt. Keep in mind I know he cares for me very deeply but he is also very committed to better himself as he has two small children to worry about. Any advice would be very helpful and appreciated. Thanks Chris!!
lydia

June 10, 2015 at 8:06 pm

Hi Chris,
so I’m still deeply in love with my ex, with whom i officially broke up in july 2013. He broke up with me because he decided that he wanted to find a job abroad and not return to our hometown after completing his MBA, and felt that there was no point in trying to have a relationship from a distance with me. After that, we still talked from time to time. He came back to visit his friends and family several times, and most of them we met and had sex. At one point last year he was back and forth, and every time he was back in our town, he called or texted and we saw each other, had sex e.t.c. Then I desided to surprise visit him, even though we weren’t officially back together. When I travelled to visit him, he went mad. He got really angry with me and didn’t let me stay with him. We met only for a cup of coffee, where he told me that he didn’t like surprises, I shouldn’t have made the trip and that he was under a lot of pressure and didn’t have time for me. I have to add, that prior to taking this trip, I knew that he would come back to visit home soon and asked him if I could go see him there and then take the plane with him back home and he had said yes. He had asked me to search for the flights and when i found a suitable one and asked him if i should book it, he wouldn’t answer me. So, I decided to go anyway and just call him when i arrived. After that incident we didn’t talk for about 3 months. Then I initiated contact again and he was very friendly and sweet with me. I then made a trip to the town he was, to meet some friends of mine. We decided to see each other as well, and we met two nights in a row. The first one he invited me to go with him and his friends for a beer and the second night we went to his house, where he cooked for me, we had sex and then we slept together and he hugged me tight the whole night. After that, I saw him again in the holidays for one time, where he invited me for a drink with his friends and then we went at his place and had sex. Even though he was in town for ten days, he didn’t ask me out again. Following this, I saw him again one month ago, he was in town for a weekend, he asked me to go for a drink with him and his friends and then we spent the night together. These last few months, we talked and he also sexted me from time to time. Now, last night I got all nostalgic and sent him a text about what had happened last year with my surprise visit and he replied that there is no point in discussing it, what ever happened happened, he probably could have behaved better but he believes that is not good to stay in a situation that is objectively problematic. So, i asked him for the first time, if he felt that our relationship had problems that couldn’t be resolved, other that the problem of distance and added that it would help me to know what he thinks. He replied that it wouldn’t help me and that it doesn’t help anyone to make hypothetical conversations. Then he wished me good night.
So, I’m wondering.. can it be that he still loves me, but he doesn’t wanna deal with the pain a relationship from a distance might cause him? And if that’s the case, how can I convince him that if we love each other, we should be together and everything is going to be ok?
Aylin

May 18, 2015 at 6:46 am

Chris, what about the male ego and protection? Can life circumstances/not being able to envision a future get a man to break up?

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming but.. he’s got a lot on his plate. He’s got in debt, lost his job and is now unemployed.

He said he lost feelings for me, which I find hard to believe..(he was loving and committed until a couple of days before the break up) But he seemed very sure about his decision…(a couple of days after the break up he’s sent me a text telling me that he knows not to contact me, but yet will follow his heart on this and that his kids think he’s lost his mind. And that he’s doing the best he can..)

Could this loss of feelings be true or stress talking, that he just wants me gone because he feels inadequate?
I don’t know what to think or do or how to proceed (I’ve stayed calm and went right into NC after his goodbye) I really want this to work as there are also children involved (I’ve got kids as well) Thanks in advance for your answer.

Christine

June 1, 2015 at 2:34 am

Me and my bf just broke up bc we were in a long distance relationship. When we broke up, we did it in person which was probably one of my better break ups bc we were forced to deal with the issue. The reason was the distance and that like in your article he’d done it before and he just couldn’t do it again, which I understand. The thing is I want to move to where he is bc I love the city, but I think he was scared it would never happen or I was just talking. I mean how do I approach the situation in getting him back without scaring him that I had already made the decision to move for the city, and that if we worked out great but if not its okay. I just don’t know what to do. We ended on good notes, I mean I cried but he comforted me and you could tell he didn’t like the outcome either. I mean the best thing he could have done was introduce me to where he is, bc I fell in love with the city. And now I’m applying there and working on moving there, I just know the fact that Im moving to him now or I’ve made that decision would make a difference. I just want to share it with him, but idk how to do that.
Aylin

May 20, 2015 at 7:26 pm

Hmm, I was wary about the stress part as well, but being in debt up to ones ears and job loss/being unemployed can wreak havoc on everything..
Anyway ,I will wait NC out then..

Thanks for your swift reply!
Aylin

May 20, 2015 at 5:20 am

We’ve both got children from previous relationships.

Anyway, would so much like to know if
1. Is it possible a man breaks up because of his life circumstances (or that stress overload makes him feel less in love)
2. Is his text a good sign / does this stand a chance…

Thank you.
Chris Seiter

May 20, 2015 at 2:51 pm

1. Yes, but I don’t buy into the whole stress excuse.
2. I think its a good sign
Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 7:12 pm

They are his kids?

Alez

May 6, 2015 at 8:15 pm

Hey Chris, I think it is a huge possibility my bs broke up with my to protect himself. He said I pushed him away (I did, but I tried fixing it.) Hes contacted me a lot after the breakup but I want to know if there is a difference in how to get him back if he did it to protect himself vs any other reason a man would break up with a woman.
Abigail

April 27, 2015 at 11:59 am

Hi Chris, my ex of 3 years and I (both approaching 30) broke up because he was scared of taking that next step of committment (marriage) and claims to be just uncertain about everything in life, his future and whether I was ‘the one’. Instead of communicating with me and trying to work things out, he ran away without any explainations. I’m curious how would one get over that fear exactly? What are some of the ways guys can overcome that fear? Especially now we’re in almost 3 months NC.
Katia

April 19, 2015 at 10:41 pm

I’m trying to figure out what is the reason my date stopped contacting to me. (I figure we broke-up.) After reading your article, I understand most of the reasons why men choose to protect themselves, except the first reason. Why will a high maintenance woman make a man wanna protect himself? Will he get hurt just because of that? Thank you!!
Michelle

April 18, 2015 at 11:06 pm

Chris, do you believe a guy would break up with his girlfriend if he believed he couldn’t make her happy?

Michelle

April 22, 2015 at 10:51 pm

What is your reasoning on why you think that’s not the case?
Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 9:16 pm

Nope I don’t believe that at all.

Alex

April 17, 2015 at 4:16 am

Hi Chris,

First, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your in depth articles. I do have one question- if your ex did end things to protect themselves, is it less likely that you will be able to get them back? Here’s my situation: for the first few months our relationship was going great, but then he suddenly told me he wanted to take things down a notch to friends with benefits, because he wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship yet (4 months prior he ended things with a long term ex who cheated on him multiple times.) He still really wanted to see me even just as friends, but I told him that I deserved/wanted more than being in a friends with benefit relationship and so we ended things. Problem is I still really do like him and wish we could be together again, but I know it is almost impossible to convince someone to let go of their fears of getting hurt again, and that this has to come from their own change in thinking. I’m currently implementing the NC rule, but is all hope lost of getting back together in the future?

I’d really appreciate your input!

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:26 pm

You are very welcome.

Thanks for taking the time to read them.

Have you read this one. I think it will answer your question,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/do-you-even-have-a-chance-at-getting-your-ex-boyfriend-back-lets-find-out/

Chloe

March 31, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Hi Chris, I left a comment under the earliest no contact article, I’ll paste it after this below. This is just turning out to be so multifaceted between the reasons given for the breakup, the mixed signals, the issue I brought up about NC when we have the same friends and they are literally my support group as well (without them Id have to be a recluse), the giving in and so on. I was broken up with after a period of him being too busy suddenly after a honeymoon phase, and he says things like, “I care deeply for you, Im still attracted to you, I love you etc” But also says things like “Im a malcontent, I have to be alone, I can’t give you what you need, I need to move away etc..” I have done a week of no contact, as well as a few days here and there. As of today he has asked me to hang out. We have slept together twice since the breakup. I told him I can’t do that anymore, and he said he still wants to see me tonight. Here is an actual text:
I asked what he wanted out of seeing me tonight. His reply:
I honestly would be psyched to just shoot the shit and hang out. Making love with you is great but most valuable is your company and reliability. I can’t say i will be available as a mate because Im just not right now. I know my indecision in relationships has screwed me in the past and its screwing things up with you right now but its a way of being that I know and must move forward with. * (He left his ex abruptly in the past to be alone and travel as well and also went through a MAJOR depression)* IT does make me an a**hole and a malcontent and an impossible human but I just am that way and although there is room for improvement in that regard I feel its important to me.

WTF. This really seems like he is trying to avoid the pain of vulnerability, but also like his focus is completely selfish at this point. He plans to move away in the fall, but his grandiose plans change constantly and without notice. I really would appreciate your wonderful insight.
Michelle

March 29, 2015 at 9:03 am

Hi Chris, I am so glad I found your website! I am very confused about my breakup (he started initiating conversation about it 2 months ago after he had a panic attack, he’d been planning it for a few months and finally pulled the cord 2 weeks ago) I am currently NC though I said to him that we would talk in a week after he cut the cord (which should have been a week ago) He hid his anxiety from me for 4 years and was on his “best behaviour” as everything was great. He admitted he didn’t want to marry me, wants to be alone as he is an introvert and suffers anxiety. He also said I drove him to drink while he was keeping up his “act” as I made him nervous and I would be better off finding someone more extroverted to take care of me. Everyone says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and there is a lot of shock going around. So I really relate to what you are saying about protecting himself, fear of commitment, showing true colours. He had some criticism about me to that I was too indecisive and passive, but otherwise I am perfect and deserve the best. I never got tell him how I felt (I was in shock and couldn’t speak) and I also feel bad about NC with someone with a mental illness. I am prepared to welcome him back with open arms and support his anxiety, but it’s an interesting one to hear any thoughts if you think he would come back or not. I am also undecided about sending a card and flowers to his parents for Easter and to say thank you for everything they did to support me.

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:01 pm

I am gald you found it too.

I understand your reservations about NC but it may be effective in this case. If you are that concerned with it I would consider doing LC isntead.

« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

304 thoughts on “Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?”