Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?

304 thoughts on “Will An Ex Boyfriend Break Up With You To Protect Himself?”

MZ

February 4, 2015 at 12:14 am

I love this one!
I definitely feel a part of my ex ended it to protect himself from the past.. our break up was a circumstantial one. My ex bf has a high demanding job and he’s starting to pursue another degree which in his brain he stated he doesn’t have the capability of handling a healthy relationship. He told me he’s been through it was his gf before me…and I guess things didn’t work out too well on their end….

I completed NC several times (broken up 6 months ago) and I mentioned in my comments to you before that he wasn’t being too responsive. Also he did ignore me when we ran into each other out. But anyways I was in the process of “moving on without moving on” and guess what? Yesterday I wished him a happy birthday and he gave me positive responses. I skipped several steps from your EXPRO guide but I ended the convo with “let’s grab coffee sometime its on me have a good day!” and he said “okay let’s do that, take care.”

Now my plan is to enter the silence zone for awhile and prime him with texts until the time comes when he initiates a firm date for coffee or meet up. What do you think?? I know I need to play my cards right from now on….

admin

February 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm

Great plan!!!

Also, thanks for liking the article.

hayley

February 3, 2015 at 11:59 am

Chris I forgot to say thank you so much it is all because of your article how to get him back after a year or more that I got the love of my life back ! You are the one that made it happen thank u so much

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:47 pm

You are so welcome Hayley!

Hope you two are happy together!

hayley

February 3, 2015 at 11:48 am

Hello The One

I need some advice, I had a boyfriend for 6 months who I loved to bits. I felt like he was the only guy for me. The relationship was good he treated me well but I was insecure and needy at the time and also immature, I pushed him away and I eventually broke up with him because I had lot of unrealistic expectations on him. This was 3 years ago and during these 3 years I worked on my self esteem and made myself a prize catch and I am much more mature and grown up because I was 19 years old at the time and now I am 22. The thing is he contacted me 3 months ago and told me he never stopped thinking about me and caring about me and he wants to be with me, I felt the same and I told him how I feel. He invited me over to his house to watch movies after a month of sending messages back and forth, he was wary because I did have a boyfriend but we broke up before this. I accepted the movie date and when I got there his parents were at home and he introduced me to them. He cooked for me, and he eventually told me that he missed me so much because we didn’t speak in over a year and that he wants to be with me but he wants to take things slow, I agreed with him and we kissed and cuddled. A week later he came to my house, we talked and kissed. No sex just making out. He told me that we must not tell all our friends because when we dated before he said that ruined it but both our families know about us. The thing is we both are college students we dependent and don’t have jobs yet so we can’t do much in terms of money and dates, we don’t have cars and jobs so its dates at home so we both have some other priorities before a relationship. I’m wondering what does this all mean ?
Does this mean he is pursuing me ? Why does he want to take things slow and not tell all our friends? How do I behave towards him? He texts me everyday to check up on me and see if I’m ok, how should I respond to texts and should I play hard to get? He is a very private person, he doesn’t have social networks.

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:46 pm

“The One”

Awesome!

That’s new.

Definitely play hard to get!

Jasmine

February 3, 2015 at 6:40 am

Hi Chris! I just came across this wonderful website of yours. It was very interesting to read about your articles. You are very inspiring and kind to offer help to many people!

I actually broke up with my ex boyfriend exactly 3 weeks ago. What we have shared was amazing. However both of us realised that our relationship has reached a dead end and we tried to work out the problems. The problem was that we didn’t know if we could see ourselves being together any more. At first he didn’t want to end the relationship but deep down he was uncertain. In the end he said he was certain that I would hurt him again if he decided to maintain this relationship. Even though I didn’t agree with what he said, I took these words as his way of saying he wanted to call it quits. So I respected his feelings. I wished him luck, thanked him for this wonderful experience and said good bye. He never responded back. I spent the first day crying. After that day, I have been going on about my day like normal. Spending quality time with my family and friends, going to gym (my favourite place), job hunting (I am a fresh university graduate), going to interviews, and doing things that I love. I also evaluated our relationship, him and me. I have learnt a lot and I realised that the problems we thought we had weren’t the real problems in our relationship. Our relationship failed because of our immaturity and ineffective communication.

I haven’t talked to him since our break up, except that I constantly checked his whatsapp, instagram and facebook to see how he is doing (we haven’t unfriended each other on any social media platform). But then I realised that what I am doing was unhealthy for me. To give me peace of mind, I deleted him on snapchat, instagram and his number (consequently his whatsapp). Honestly deep down I hope one day in the future we can still get back together.

It is so frustrating I would want to get back with him one day and the next day I would rather die than to get back with him thinking of the way he treated me. ARGH.. when will this stop?!

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:38 pm

Yay!

I got a new fan 🙂

Jasmine.. do you want him back or would you just like to move on?
Jasmine

February 13, 2015 at 9:55 am

Haha yes you have gained a loyal fan from Australia! Your articles gives out a lot of meaningful insights. I reckon people who are not in these types of situations will also benefit from your articles!

Chris, thank you for asking me that question! A week ago when I posted my comment, I struggled to answer your question. I think the breakup decision might be a rash one but it was definitely the best at that time for both of us (especially for me). It has forced me to really think through our relationship and our problems, which I had never ever done.

My friends and my dearest Mommy who is my best friend and best mentor in the world told me that I deserve better and that I need someone who can take my shits/accept my flaws (excuse my language here haha).

However I would like to give the relationship one last try, if given the opportunity. I truly liked him a lot and what we shared was very special to me. He is a really great guy apart from a few flaws (flaws make us human and I accept his flaws). However in his last message, he said that he was certain that I would hurt him again if he decided to maintain this relationship and that he was not running away he was SAVING himself. From this message, I feel that he was determined to move on and does not wish to get back together ever because he is afraid that he will get hurt again. Consequently even if I want him back, it is highly unlikely that he would want the same.

It has been 30 days since our split. Tomorrow is Valentine’s day and I am thinking whether I should text him wishing him Happy Vanlentine’s Day and hoping all is well. I would like to see how is he doing. My inner voice is saying “maybe he would want to be friends again and eventually want to reconcile, and we would live happily ever after” LOL

I see people on other sites say that the dumper should initiate the first contact. But in my situation, I don’t even know who is the dumper. I feel like it was his wish to split but I said the word lol.

Anyways, would that text be a bit too weak? Maybe I should say something like “I just stumbled upon a food stall that sells your favourite snack. It reminded me how excited you get every time you have it and it made me smile. I hope all is well.” I am not lying here hahaha I am indeed going to a local market tomorrow with my girlfriends. There will be food stalls hehe 🙂

Thank you for your reply! It honestly helped me a lot 🙂 Thank you!
admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:39 pm

Sorry for the late reply…

I just needed a break this weekend!

I honestly don’t give too much credence to who contacts who first.

I think its overrated.

Elizabeth

February 2, 2015 at 8:13 pm

Hi Chris,

I could use a little advise! Long story short my ex and I of 11 months broke up 3 months ago due to life stress getting in the way. He ended it but I think I pushed him into doing it. Our relationship was great until that point. After about 2 months of NC I sent him an email and apologized for the part I played in the breakup. To my surprise he ended up responding the next day apologizing for his part and saying he was still mad at himself for what he did. We have had a few light ‘how have you been’ conversations sense then which is great. The other day I asked if he wanted to meet for a drink one night to catch up and he said ‘sure!’ so i responded ‘great! when are you free?’ and have not heard back, its been a few days now. I felt like things were progressing well but now I’m a little confused. Did this freak him out? Should I try asking again but pick a specific day? Thanks for your help!

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:08 pm

You may have went too fast too soon.

No worries though, just go slower next time.
Elizabeth

February 3, 2015 at 10:57 pm

Thanks Chris! A friend suggested txting him again but not to mention meeting up in case he was feeling pressure. I took her suggestion and he did message me back and we chatted for a bit and I did not bring up meeting up. I suppose I just need to be patient, take a step back and let him decide when he is ready to see me. It’s so hard though! 🙂
admin

February 4, 2015 at 2:13 pm

Who is this friend?

I should hire her/him.
Elizabeth

February 5, 2015 at 2:04 am

Haha yes she gives very good advice! I’ll be sure to tell her about you and your awesome advice! So my ex and I did talk again today and I casually mentioned grabbing a drink after work on Friday. He said that he has a team outing that night and his best friends b-day on Saturday but that we could meet up one day after work next week so I suggested a day and once again he did not respond! Is this normal?? I feel like I am starting to feel more anxiety about this because I am so unsure of how he feels about me right now and I am putting in all the work, is that how it usually goes? I’m probably overthinking things right now too because not only is next Saturday Valentines day but also what we considered our anniversary, double whammy!
admin

February 5, 2015 at 3:32 pm

Yes, thats typically how it goes. You are overthinking a bit though.

It’s understandable though considering the Valentines Day double whammy.
Elizabeth

February 16, 2015 at 3:49 pm

Hi Chris,

So a little update, my ex and I picked a night to meet up but due to a stupid blizzard we had to cancel. Anyways, we did not pick another night because the weather has been nutty but now I am feeling even worse. Thursday he messaged me and we chatted a little, he mentioned he was going out for his sisters birthday on Valentines day. The next day I saw on her fb pictures posted and there were a few of him next to someone and they looked like they were there together.. Needless to say I almost puked and threw my laptop out the window! Later that day I txt him just trying to strike up a convo but he never responded.. I really thought things were progressing and now it feels like I was kicked in the gut. I would still really like to meet up with him but it has been so hard to get to that point and now I’m feeling helpless about it all. Is there still hope? 🙁

Z.

February 2, 2015 at 5:23 pm

Hello Chris! By far I think you have the best guide out there. Bought it and I am reading through and through. Sorry if my english isn’t perfect.

I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago, and didn’t contacted him for 2 weeks now. Our break up wasn’t bad we ended on good terms. Laughing and with goodbye kisses on the cheek. He told me that night that I’m an incredible woman, that he is physically attracted to me like crazy and that I’m very smart. And what hurted the most for him was letting a great woman go away, he was almost crying at this point. (we both agreed to break up, but because mainly he was the one who gave up on us. And it was time for me to let go) He also told me that if in the future things came together, he would give us a chance again. I’m 22 and he is 27.

So that was the break-up. I can tell you I am a woman who handles herself pretty well. I know what I’m worth. I’ve been hitting the gym and doing muay thai (getting in the best shape of my life). But into 2 weeks of NC he texted me a picture. Me not wanting to be rude or send wrong signals because we ended so well answered him. I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE. Basicly the conversation was full of neutral answers from his part and ended quickly, not a hint of excitement, eventhough he started it. I answered positively to everything. The moment I ended the conversation, he replied positivly. I don’t get it. But I do get from the past mistake I made, that I WILL NOT break NC from now on.

I do have a question. I’m supposed to see him in 2 weeks because we agreed we would meet a month after the break up, he has a lot of my things I need (like my bike). What should I do? I’m afraid he is so indiferent when we meet.

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:02 pm

Your english seems great to me!

You can definitely exchange things with him.

What is it specifically you are scared of or worried about?
Z.

February 3, 2015 at 3:52 pm

I am scared he has moved on. That even if I arrive looking and feeling great he is so indifferent towards me and pulls me down. I tend to be extremly kind trust me, I can’t act cold never in life towards somebody. I don’t know how to act because it is not a date but I do want it to be an event he will remember and will change things. I’m worried I act the wrong way, should I be warm and kind as always or be a bit more cold and indifferent. How can I know during that encounter if he is no longer interested? I feel I’m kind of in the limbo he likes me but he doesn’t wants to be with me.

Too much questions, sorry hahah.
admin

February 4, 2015 at 2:00 pm

So, you are the really nice girl type huh?

Do you think you have the strength to carry out a NC rule without dropping the ball?
Z.

February 4, 2015 at 4:54 pm

Ok I get now, I do have the strength. I’ll keep you updated on what happens. Anyway thank you Chris, your help has kept me with my feet on the ground thousands of times.
admin

February 5, 2015 at 3:06 pm

Keep me updated please!

Ruby

February 2, 2015 at 10:38 am

Hi Chirs,

Me and my boyfriend had been dating for 4 months and we actually reconciled after a month of NC this month. Last time he was the dumper and the reason why we broke up was because of the argument situation. Last week he injured so he is having a bad time now. Few days ago we had a fight over petty things, afterwards he said we were cool but then ignored my messages. I got really frustrated as I expected there would be some changes in our relationship but then he hasn’t changed at all, still cannot get a grip on himself and blames me for everything. Moreover, I’m really tired of the argument situation. I just broke up with him under a very emotional status, poured all my emotions out to him and unfriended him on facebook. Then he got really mad and blocked me on facebook. After the day we broke up I regretted so I texted him and apologised for what happened. He said no sorry it’s over. I knew he was still angry with him so I didn’t reply to his message.
What should I do now? Can our relationship be repaired?
Jess

February 1, 2015 at 11:19 pm

So my ex pretty much broke up with me to protect himself, his ex cheated on him 5 years ago and it ended bad, he was devastated for years and has been single all that time… and he broke up with me saying he could see it going the same way.. Which was all in his head.. I would never cheat. Is it possible to break through this wall he’s put up again? I’ve asked him 2 months post our break up if he will give it another shot (not using your methods) and he said that we have a connection but he just can’t do it.. Should I not contact him for a couple of months and try again using your methods in your ebook? Or is it a waste of time as he sounds like he’s made his decision?

admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:33 pm

Of course it is…

Did he suspect you of cheating or something?
Jess

February 2, 2015 at 8:25 pm

Yeh he thought I was going to cheat on him and didn’t like it when I spoke to other guys.. Even his male best friends. So we started having disagreements whenever we were out drinking, as he would accuse me of flirting. In the end the stress of it got too much for him. So should I go on another 30 day no contact? Or try a bit longer?
admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:09 pm

Try a 21 day rule!

Aurelie

February 1, 2015 at 7:17 pm

Dear Chris,

My situation is changing with every day. Basically my ex was contacting me during NC like crazy and after one month I gave in and he tells me he loves me and he will get rid of his new gf(the one he was cheating on me with) when I move closer to him (we were in long distance) and was telling me I am the only special one and others are irrelevant. But the moment I agreed to still communicate with him until i move there and let him still date that girl.. he basically started to text less and started to like that girl’s pictures on instagram all over again. What is the deal with him?? Begging me to be with him for 2 months and now being a jerk again. Is it how you suppose to treat a woman you say you love and want to marry one day?

I am feeling all heartbroken all over again and I don’t know if I should play it cool and let it be until I move there or ignore him again when he contacts me (shall I explain why I ignore him or no?) Please let me know your thoughts

admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:25 pm

He seems kind of mean if he cheated on you with this girl and then left you for her and now he wants to leave her again…

I think its time for you to slip back into NC for a little bit…
Aurelie

February 4, 2015 at 2:30 pm

Thank you Chris! He gets very angry when I go into NC, thats why I am concerned to apply it again as I was doing it few times already. Well the thing is that he didn’t exactly left me for her. SHE texted me on his behalf and broke it off and he told me it wasn’t what he wanted ever. I guess he wanted to keep both of us until I make plans to move to the States. But thank you for your advice! I will keep you updated, but your guide does really work and once I am finally in one country with him and things will go well I will definitely write a review and give some feedback on what was the most helpful tip so other girls can use it too 🙂
admin

February 5, 2015 at 3:00 pm

Wait his new girlfriend broke up with you for him?
Aurelie

February 7, 2015 at 8:08 pm

Yes she saw my message to him and they were together at that moment (probably in bed) and she texted me back pretending its him and broke up with me. The next day he was telling me he is sorry and he didn’t want to breakup and its all bc of the distance. To be honest I sensed that night the message doesn’t come from him and after they deleted each other from Facebook for like a week before getting back. Not sure bc she was angry he was lying about me or bc she broke into his phone.

I ignored all his multiply messages for a month after that but when we spoke later he told me he didn’t write that message. He told me he loves only me and will end with her the moment I move to the States and said everything a girl would want to hear, BUT now he stopped texting me and spending time with that woman. I understand its hard for him because he haven’t seen me for more than 7 months and that woman is nearby, and he was always telling me no one else matters, so I do believe I have a special place in his heart, but I don’t know how to act when I move to his country. Give him time, let him end with her slowly and do not ask any details and get angry or be demanding from the day one. There is one thing he could do to show other women are aside: him updating Facebook status and posting our pictures after my move. He never did the status thing before and I am the only girl who he ever had couple pictures on social networks (which got deleted after he got back with her again), but do u think it will only freak him out? I usually wouldn’t worry about social media but taking his behaviour in consideration I think it would be fair, no?
Thank you! 🙂

B

February 1, 2015 at 6:51 pm

Hi Chris,
I love reading your articles and they have really made me see things in a different light. I’m in a bit of a dilemma. Long story short, there’s thus guy I’ve been hanging out with for the past 6 months. We were good friends, loved each other’s company. In time, things slowly moved forward. From texting daily, we got to talking daily. We worked together, so we would see each other all the time, IM through the day, and in the evening and night talk more over call. Over conversations have even gone up to 7 hours, through the night at times. We sort of spoke about everything. We’ve been there for each other through some challenges we both went through. And we got so close that we would even know what the other was going to say in certain circumstances. In the last month or two, he started giving me hugs when leaving work. At times the hugs would be long and tight, followed by kisses on my cheeks. The kisses became more tender in the last few weeks, and he would kiss me on my hair, hold my hand. I had a feeling that he was falling in love with me, but I didn’t say anything because I wanted him to work through it on his own and figure it out himself without any pressure from me. Then he started telling me that he loves me, but would at the same time say that I’m his best friend. I felt he was confused and left him to work it out. He’s always respected me and been very protective and caring of me. A couple of days ago, though, he gave me a very long hug, and didn’t let go. He hugged me for around ten minutes, and then sat on a chair, pulled me to his lap, and kissed me on my lips. He kissed me for a while, and then suddenly withdrew, as though he realized what he was doing. He was then very shaken. He asked me to marry him.i was taken off guard and I asked him why. He told me I was the first girl he’s kissed and touched and he doesn’t want to be the sort of guy to play with a woman’s feelings and walk away. And then he said he loves me a lot, but he’s not in love with me. Since he said that, I told him that I can’t accept a proposal that isn’t out of love. He then told me that we will do well together. But that he doesn’t love me. I told him that I’m not the sort of person who will tie a guy down just because he kissed me, and told him that the only way I can say a yes is if it is out of love. He went silent for a day. Then the next day he called me and said that it’s best if we say our goodbyes and don’t keep in touch for a while till we both heal. And he again said he’s not in love with me, that I’m his best friend, and that he’s never viewed me as anything more than a friend. He said that he was very emotionally attached to me and was also attracted to me, but couldn’t see me as more than a friend. I asked him whether there was any chance of him viewing me as more than a friend. He said no. And he said there’s no future for us. And he wanted us to not contact each other for 6 months to a year. I agreed, and told him if that’s what he ultimately wants, then I’ll do it. We weren’t in contact for few days. Then we spoke again yesterday and he told me that the reason we both don’t have a chance is because we are alike in too many ways, including our emotions. And he feels that in our friendship we both did support each other a lot through rough times, but that in supporting each other, we also drained each other out a lot. And he feels that if we get married, we will be an emotional drain on each other. So I accepted that reason, and we’ve not spoken after that.

I really love this guy, and honestly, I thought things were going to work out. I do want to get him back and I wish he would realize what’s in his heart. In all that he said, I felt that he had convinced himself that I was just a friend to him, and that he’s finding it hard or scary or whatever to accept that his feelings have changed. He told me not to get in touch with him unless I can deal with my feelings for him and have him as just a friend in my life. He still says I’m the best friend he’s ever had, and would want to be my friend always.

I do want him to get in touch with his feelings, beat whatever is holding him back. But there are some challenges here:
1. My work contract with the same office is over and I’m starting in a new place tomorrow. So we wouldn’t be seeing each other. I’m not bad looking and I take care of my appearance. He’s often loved my outfits and has even sent me IMs about particular clothes that he loved and used to ask me to wear outfits of his choice, on and off. Since I’m no longer with the same office, my chances of using looks or my presence to attract him, don’t really exist.
2. He can be pretty stubborn. If we are really going to stick to NC for many months, I’m afraid it may kill his feelings for me.
3. The only means of contact we have is through a whatsapp group with mutual friends. We often post funny pics and have random discussions (usually discussions that set all of us laughing hilariously) on this group. Even if we are not in contact individually, all our interactions on this group will kind of keep him in touch with me (albeit indirectly), and he’s not really going to get a chance to miss me. However, if I get off the group or go silent, the others aren’t going to be happy.
4. Although he is on Facebook he doesn’t use it much.
5. He can be quite stubborn if he really believes something. And even if there is a disconnect between his mind and heart, he needs something drastic to happen for him to accept what’s in his heart.

So here’s what I’m wondering.
1. Should I uninstall whatsapp, go silent for a week, and just randomly comment on the group so that the others don’t get upset? (They’re capable of showing up at my doorstep if I go silent without an explanation.) Or, should I take the risk and just go absolutely silent for the next 30 days?
2. At the end of 30 days should I initiate contact or should I wait for him to contact me or do I just post something on the group to make him realize that I’m still around? He told me he wants to stick to NC for 6 months at least. In view of this, should I still initiate contact after a month or should I freeze him out some more?
3. Should I keep my whatsapp profile active and change my dp periodically to some of my best pictures to make him nostalgic? Should I do this right now or after a month?

Please help. I’ve been scouring around trying to find some advice but am not able to. I really don’t want to lose him…. At least, not without giving it all I have.

admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:23 pm

1. No, just go silent for 30 days (take the risk.)

2. I think you should initiate contact yes.

3. Keep it active. Do it right now.
B

February 2, 2015 at 6:16 pm

Thanks Chris. I’m going silent for 30 days. If individual friends contact me, I’ll reply to them, but probably not interact on the group so that it won’t be a means of contact for him. And yeah, I’ve changed my dp to a really good one. It ought to get him thinking. Let’s see how things work 30 days or so from now. I do badly want to hear that based on everything, that he really loves me. But I know that he’s the only one who knows his true feelings and motives. So I’ll wait. Let’s see how things unfold. I just need to stick to NC and not be a softie if he contact me. I’m going to try real hard. Thanks again.
B

February 28, 2015 at 5:54 pm

So, I did a month of NC and sent him a text, similar to the ones you suggest. He saw my text but didn’t respond. I didn’t follow up with another text nor did I do anything else. I saw him today at the wedding of a mutual friend. He wore a set of clothes that I had asked him to wear, long before the entire relationship mess started up. When I walked in, he didn’t expect to see me. I was dressed at my best, and I saw shock and admiration in his eyes for a moment before it was quickly veiled. He didn’t talk to me at all, though we sat at the same table. I didn’t initiate anything either. I wasn’t looking at him, so I don’t know whether he was looking at me… Just twice I noticed that he had glanced at me and I don’t want to read into it. Anyway, when I was leaving, I ran into him at the doorway and just smiled and said “bye”. I didn’t wait for a response, and just left. I’m not going to read between the lines or try to figure out what he’s thinking, because the only person who knows what’s in his mind is he himself. Anyway, here’s what I’m wondering…
1. He hasn’t responded after a month of NC. When he ended things between us, he said he wanted 6 months of NC to heal. Do I stay silent for the remaining 5 months?
2. If I should initiate contact before 5 months, when do you suggest I do it?

I’m trying hard to be patient and controlled and not get emotional. Please advise.
B

March 12, 2015 at 9:57 am

Hi Chris, it’s just gotten more complicated. I didn’t contact him after he didn’t respond when I reached out. But a mutual friend kind of got a crush on me. I told him a No and so he picked up a quarrel with the guy in interested in and said that he had played with me, cheated me etc. I had nothing to do with it, but he’s now blocked me off chat apps and Facebook. I did try to send him a mail explaining that I had nothing to do with it, but he forwarded my mail back to me. It’s been a couple of days now since the block, and I don’t know what to do. It seems like I’m paying the price for others who have interfered, and I’m not even able to get through to him. I haven’t contacted him after that. And I’ve blocked off all mutual friends for a while, because I don’t want him to find out about me through them, nor do I want any of them to get involved just yet…they keep getting upset because they saw how good he and I were together, and they interfere.

Am I on the right track? I’ve not deleted my Facebook account and I still post positive upbeat stuff. My whatsapp profile pic is one of my best. I’m working on my own life and trying to reach some goals. But I don’t know what else to do. Should I just wait for his 6 month no contact period to finish (there’s 4 months more)? Or should I reach out after another month or so? Please help…
B

March 15, 2015 at 6:08 pm

Help…. 🙁
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:28 pm

With what?

How can I help.
B

March 22, 2015 at 10:51 am

I think my earlier post got missed out 🙁

“Hi Chris, it’s just gotten more complicated. I didn’t contact him after he didn’t respond when I reached out. But a mutual friend kind of got a crush on me. I told him a No and so he picked up a quarrel with the guy in interested in and said that he had played with me, cheated me etc. I had nothing to do with it, but he’s now blocked me off chat apps and Facebook. I did try to send him a mail explaining that I had nothing to do with it, but he forwarded my mail back to me. It’s been a couple of days now since the block, and I don’t know what to do. It seems like I’m paying the price for others who have interfered, and I’m not even able to get through to him. I haven’t contacted him after that. And I’ve blocked off all mutual friends for a while, because I don’t want him to find out about me through them, nor do I want any of them to get involved just yet…they keep getting upset because they saw how good he and I were together, and they interfere.

Am I on the right track? I’ve not deleted my Facebook account and I still post positive upbeat stuff. My whatsapp profile pic is one of my best. I’m working on my own life and trying to reach some goals. But I don’t know what else to do. Should I just wait for his 6 month no contact period to finish (there’s 4 months more)? Or should I reach out after another month or so? Please help…”

Should I wait for another 4 months or try to contact him again after another entire month of NC? He’s blocked me off chat and FB. 🙁

linda

February 1, 2015 at 4:56 pm

Hey chris.
Okay this is irrelevent, but this is the most active article so I had tto ask here to get the answer ASAP before I act impulsivly :p. If my ex broke up with his gf a couple of days ago how long do I have to wait before I make a move?. She is hison again, off again girlfriend, and she is very manipulative, but this time they blocked each other and everything and he said that it is the last time and he is never ever going back to her. Also, for about a week before he broke up with her, everyone was telling me that he can’t keep his eyes off me and stuff. Also, I talked to him and we had a pretty good conversation unlike our uncomfortable convos we had when he was with her. And everyone is saying that he is doing pretty good and not good in a (gonna pretend am over herb way.so how long do I have to wait? And how can I make it seem like it’s his own idea?

admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:19 pm

1-2 weeks before you make contact…

Then from then on its all about a slow climb of reattraction.

He lost me... willingly

February 1, 2015 at 1:14 pm

Hello, I have been reading your blog for a year now, because last year I was the one who initiated the breakup and regretted (even made him cry over the phone when he wanted to get me back).

Now, last night “he” was the one who broke up with me. We were a couple for almost two years…

Last month he spontaneously (and sincerely) told me he loves me, when I least expected it. After that we were doing more bonding and it even overwhelmed me of how much (I thought) he was into me.

But then a week ago… I’ve let him listen to my projects for the first time, and he discovered “how good” I am at composing music. He wanted us to work together in music.

Last night, after discussing work and afterwards being intimate, we got into a small argument. He apologized about his behavior. Then the breakup occurred. He told me that he wants to be friends and concentrate on music, because music is his whole life. And he wants me to work with him on music. He swore on his mother’s life that there isn’t someone else. I promised him to be his music partner when we were still a couple… Now, I feel stuck.

He asked me what he is to me. I couldn’t say that he is the love of my life. I just told him that I can’t change the way I see him in a snap and be “friends” with him. What hurt me most was when he told me that our relationship may be fated so that we work together. He wants to forget what we were and start over as friends and colleagues. He told me that he is afraid that I will fall deeply in love with him and he doesn’t want me end up hurt. I asked him if it hurts him if a guy replaces him. He said, not if he deserves you. He wants me to really become serious about music and no more private stuff (even though he was always the one to initiate intimacy when we worked)… Am I too distracting?

I can’t even… I was never needy. I am (honestly) beautiful and even slightly out of his league. I can’t be friends with him. It hurts. Now I just don’t know if I should continue working with him while having NC (only discuss work and no private stuff). Or just ignore him completely.

Did he just break up with me to protect himself? To chase his dreams instead of having me around as his gf of two years? How can someone who loves me, who can’t stop himself from becoming intimate with me and bonded with me, just become a person who seems he doesn’t give a damn…? It hurts… so much.

I love him. I already knew that when I first bonded with him two years ago. The worst part is that I “know” that he loves me, but still did this to me…

admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:09 pm

I don’t recommend anything crazy like quitting your job.

So, definitely dont do that haha.
He lost me... willingly

February 1, 2015 at 3:13 pm

Update:

After my comment here, he texted me how I was feeling. I told him we are colleagues and no friends. He said I thought you weren’t mad at me. I said no, but that doesn’t mean that we’re friends. He said, but you always will remain that. I said I will work with you because you’re a great musician, but we are over. He said, please don’t do this to me and have mercy. I said, last night you didn’t show me any kind of mercy. Chris, he said that he regretted everything he said to me last night and begged me not to go. He said he doesn’t want us to become strangers. I told him that he has no heart. He said that his whole life all he ever wanted from God was music and become successful in it. And God gave me to him. He said that he is not heartless, he doesn’t want to get married in his life and that’s why he doesn’t want any girl to feel heartbroken. I told him I never even discussed such commitment with you before and I am not looking for a husband, I live in the moment. And then after that he wanted to get back with me, but I couldn’t drop my anger and said that having someone who wants you for who you are is not something you consider worthy. I also told him that his heart is made of stone that you were willing to let someone else take your place. He said it was because of marriage that he told me this. And when I said that I will work with him, but we are through, he became restless. And after I closed our discussion he sent me a love song about a girl leaving the vocalist.

Why are some guys such idiots? He got his wish, and now he said he regrets. What should I do with him? With this specific case? I know that he loves me and realized it more when I agreed with the breakup. I get the feeling that even though I agreed to continue to work with him, he regrets his decision. He sabotaged the relationship.
admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:16 pm

Hold the horses here…

He said he doesn’t want to get married in his life?

Like ever?
He lost me... willingly

February 3, 2015 at 9:29 am

Ever since music became his life, his addiction, his obsession, yes… before that he was willing to marry me, even though I never brought that topic up. And now he is trying to win me back and I have the feeling that even though he loves me, he is too addicted to making music that he is willing to win my heart back in order for him to succeed. This was only been a week since we worked together, before that he was sweet to me.

What must I do? This case is too complex for me to understand. I won’t bother you with more stuff…
He lost me... willingly

February 3, 2015 at 9:36 am

By the way, in case you’re wondering, I am 25 and he is 26. He’s not some teen with a crazy obsession. He is a grown up with a rare type of addiction… making music.

M

January 31, 2015 at 11:05 am

hey Chris it’s me again I’ve commented a few days ago that me and my ex (now boyfriend) got back together thanks to you 🙂 and things are going really good for us.
but now I’ve got a question for my best friend it’s kinda out of topic and not sure if you can answer that but she’s so hurt and sad I wish you can help us, I will try to write the story the shortest version I can
she has met her boyfriend online too, they’ve dated for more than a year now, but after 6 months of the relation she knew from a friend of his country, that he is 46 years now, he lied her about his age, she’s 25 years, also that he was married and has 2 sons. she was about to break up but then they talked and became cool about it they meet almost monthly.
but the problem here he is so much flertish, we’re kinda sure he even cheets sometimes she found out his Skype password and saw his flerts which even had sex recently. we know he cheets for the distance, but I think no way for him nor to marry again neither for anyone to move, though they both still love each other so much, now she wants to break up with him but she loves him still and so much into him, she doesn’t know how to do it and how to make the pain of the breaking up less
I wish Chris if you write something about how to break up with a boyfriend if you still love him please, thanks.

N.M

February 2, 2015 at 4:59 pm

Hi chris sorry to butt in but I had earlier mentioned the ‘right time to break up’
The pain is going to be there no matter what but how about writing regarding us girls breaking up to protect ourselves? Like if one is in a situation where there is Certain heartbreak, like in my case, does one hang around for the scraps or bail out while the going is good, when u Know you will be cast off soon, ….
Any way to preempt/ prevent ‘that’ ?
Sort of how to prevent a breakup which you know is coming, but This breakup is initiated by the girl to protect herself, like the girlfriend finally realises her Bf will never leave his wife, or the gf realises baby needed a mother, now he doesn’t need a mother anymore…
How when the initial phase over and there is a balance shift?
When the chased becomes the chaser,
When equals are no longer equals
When you’ve been cheated on?
When should one throw in the towel?
When , when, when does one decide’That was the last straw’ when is Tok much, enough
Am I making sense?
Protecting oneself, forget why he did or Didn’t break up?
N.M

February 3, 2015 at 2:37 am

Balance shift…. When you were chased and now You are doing the chasing, the whole underlying idea behind getting him back.
NC can’t guarantee the balance back.
How to get that balance back after you do everything desperately without Appearing to be desperate , yet he Knows you are desperate, cos he was the last shot at love in this life, he Knows he holds the trump cards, that if he’s gone you are no longer his love , then you are just the fat old hag….
How to get him back and not feel demeaned, how not to lose your self respect…

Lynn

January 31, 2015 at 12:57 am

OH MY GOSH!!!!!! This was a great article!!!!!! I think I have the “He doesn’t want history repeating itself”. This article is very informative. I read it at work and had to read it again when I got home. I’m on day 14 of no contact and I’ve already been resolved to waiting the full 30 days, which is hard, but this article helped to make me even more resolveder (I made that word up) LOL. Anyway February 15th is my day of contact and I realize I’m going to definitely need to take it slow. Thank you for writing this!!!!!

admin

January 31, 2015 at 4:00 pm

Resolveder…

Help me out here.

What does that mean?

Your word.
Lynn

February 1, 2015 at 11:46 am

LOL. The no contact has been rough. But I’ve been resolved to the fact that I had to do this. So I just meant this article gave me I think a little more insight and made me even more determined (better word) to keep up the no contact and see this through.
admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:05 pm

Yes, it is very challenging to get through you will find.

felicia

January 31, 2015 at 12:21 am

That story of the couple being on your sites was awesome haha. Nice article, always helpful to know what goes on in the opposite sex’s mind.

admin

January 31, 2015 at 3:56 pm

I know right?

That was kind of cool to me.

Anything I can help you with.

Maria Michella

January 30, 2015 at 5:40 pm

You didn’t write what to do in the different situations?

admin

January 31, 2015 at 3:27 pm

Hahaha

What situation do you want me to cover. I will do it right now in the comments!

PN

January 30, 2015 at 2:39 pm

Hey Chris! You didn’t write about what to do… if this happens to you?
I have figured out that reassuring him again and again doesn’t work. I feel what might work is no contact…
My guy is a mariner… and he broke up with me just 2-3 days before he was leaving for sailing. And it is strange because he voluntarily spoke to my parents 2 days before he broke up with me… and all I was thinking is this is such a huge milestone for us.
His last serious girlfriend had stopped picking his calls all of a sudden and gotten married while he was sailing without informing him. Could be he is still nursing the wound. Or maybe he is afraid that since I am social and have a lot of male friends, I might just get fascinated by someone else.
He said “Each time I go on sailing, we shall break up and then when I come back we will reconsider it…” honestly I found it the crappiest nonsense because I am someone who is deeply loyal and dedicated – the rock of his life- he knows it… and has acknowledged it… he keeps saying no one has ever loved him so much… And he himself has been an extremely loving boyfriend…
I am doing a 45 days no contact because I do not want to contact him close to valentines week.. sheesh! That will look so needy! He contacted me only once 10 days into NC for my birthday. And I am trying to have fun with my girlies and work on my career and my looks and stay happy meanwhile… you need to tell me what can I do if he indeed is protecting himself.

admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:55 pm

Yes, he seems to be a candidate of protecting himself.

The LD aspect of this relationship has proven to be tough for him I believe.
PN

February 19, 2015 at 5:14 am

I have decided to move on. For good. I gave it a lot of thought. I want a man. Not a wimp who runs away to protect himself. Have removed him and his family from FB. Time to reinvent self and find someone worthy of my love.
It was a tough decision to take. But No Contact helps immensely. It’s like a magic wand. Thank you Chris! 🙂
admin

February 20, 2015 at 11:14 pm

Well, I am glad you found some peace!

I really am!
PN

February 12, 2015 at 7:37 pm

Maybe he really doesn’t love me Chris… Maybe he’s at sea and so he’s just lonely and he’s not really missing me but just any company will do? I really am not sure… I’ll do what you say Chris? Should I give this another chance?

I’m sorry for commenting so many times but his contacting me has shaken me up… and made me a little vulnerable 🙁
PN

February 12, 2015 at 4:31 pm

Also, do you think this insecurity will ever go? Is there a way for that? Or will he always be driving me mad?
I am patient and willing to help him unpack his baggage no matter even if it takes a few years (like 3 years) but I am not willing to carry it around all my life!
I have a life to live, a career to make, books to write and a world to change. He’s definitely the center of my universe but he is not my ENTIRE universe! I do want to accomplish a whole lot of other things from my life than just marry my guy and remain married.
PN

February 12, 2015 at 3:45 pm

So update! Something you will be happy about… NC totally worked. He messaged me on Facebook yesterday – just a simple “Hiii” When I didn’t respond then another “How are you?” … since I am on a 45 day NC because I didn’t want to break NC close to the Valentines, I didn’t respond. I’ll message him on 21st. I was also really thinking he doesn’t care because he didn’t message me after my birthday on the 14th of Jan which I had not responded to. I had told myself that if he doesn’t contact me by 14th of Feb, I’ll move on for good!

Anyways, I still feel a bit scared to resume contact with him. You see, I am so in my element right now… you know I am in control and in a safe place because of the NC but when I was in a relationship, my emotions were all over the place… it was like every fight would affect my mood to an extent that I was not able to work until I had sorted it out with him. He would get so insecure and would overreact about me even going out for coffee or movie with my male friends/ colleagues. I am not sure if I can maintain this grip I have on myself right now. I used to cry so much! Honestly, Chris… I don’t know if I will get him back or not, but one thing is sure- I have definitely got my sanity back! And I am not willing to lose it. And I have YOU… ONLY YOU to thank for this!

Second thing is that I wonder if I really should go back to him if he did just run away to protect himself (and maybe it is my fear of getting hurt again speaking)- I mean do I really want to be with someone who jumps off the (relation)ship after taking the first life jacket available at a mere SUSPICION that the ship might sink? Do I really want a guy like that? Don’t I deserve a guy who has the courage to take it all the way?

Then again, we did have some really great times. And there were no red flags really! He even quit smoking for me. He made me speak to his family and he did fight with his dad because his dad wasn’t too keen on me. He wanted a traditional Indian girl as the daughter-in-law of his house and I am quite a modern girl but my guy continuously took my side during that entire fiasco and said he is sure about me. (Yes, in the traditional Indian families you need “permission” from the elders of the house. It’s akin to respecting the family.)

Our fights were mainly because he wanted me to suddenly change- not talk to guys or very formally. Not be an open book. Not be so social. Wanted me to change my number so that nobody from my past could call me even though I wouldn’t entertain any calls from the past guys. I shouldn’t travel alone. I shouldn’t travel late night. He has to “protect” me (and I am very independent, I don’t like having a guardian angel). And he expected me to sort of immediately say yes to whatever he asked me to do. It was as if he wanted to “own” me. When I said that he knew about the kind of person I was BEFORE he stared dating me, he said all these things he was okay with if I was his girlfriend but as a wife he wouldn’t want that! (What hypocrisy). And all his constant nitpicking and restrictions made me feel suffocated. Obviously I didn’t do any of this because I wasn’t wrong and I wasn’t cheating on him and I was completely into the relationship. I used to reassure him a lot though and do cute stuff for him and grand gestures which used to touch him a lot.

What if he was just missing me and hence contacted me… and still probably has no intentions of moving forward or even if we start dating again, he might start passively or aggressively trying to build fences around my life once more. I’d be wasting my time then. Isn’t it better that I use that time to really move on and hence find another earlier? So I have only one question to you- I’m in two minds. What do you suggest: Should I give him one more chance?

Olga

January 29, 2015 at 11:02 pm

Hey Chris!

It’s me AGAIN and I am so confused right now :/ so I did very well with the NC, finished it and waited extra two days cause I wasn’t sure what to write. Then today I spontanouslh felt like texting him so I did. My text said ‘i’m just on my way home from work and caught myself thinking about you, hope you’re doing good’ and he replied an hour later with a text saying he’d recently wanted to ask how i was doing but didnt find it very smart but since i was asking, he said he wss doing fine and he that he would really like to know about me. And I said a lot had changed and that it was great. Immediately he replied asking for more details (where do you live? Where do you work? Are you going to the states?). i said i would tell him everything but i was really busy atm (that was true) and i needed to get things done. He said he was REALLY CURIOUS about what i was doing and if i wouldnt have told him then, he asked not to text him ever again. WHAT?! So i told him and i said i wasnt going to usa. He said thats a pity, i said i have no regrets at all, he said that’s a pity too but it’s important that everything’s fine. I said i really am happy with my decision and i am doing super great and i needed to go but i would really like to talk again, if he wants too ofc. And he hasn’t replied yet… I am so confused, please tell me what he could have been thinking cause i seriously have no idea 🙁

admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:27 pm

OLGA!

You should have ended the conversation sooner.

No worried, in a few days restart communication and try again.
Olga

February 2, 2015 at 7:44 pm

Oh I tried to but next time I’ll try harder haha. It has been 4 days since we had that conversation and I want to wait 2 more days until I text him again. I want to text him sth like ‘I forgot to ask you about your exams, I bet you’ve already passed them all but if I’m wrong, I’ll be crossing my fingers’. I’d like it to imply that I find him very smart (which he is and thats why I love him). do you think it’s a goodmtext to send? i feel stupid for asking about every single word I write but I really don’t wanna mess up.
admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:05 pm

I would say that text is fine!
Olga

February 4, 2015 at 5:52 pm

He replied ‘well thanks then’. Doesn’t look like an overly positive response does it…
admin

February 5, 2015 at 3:08 pm

An annoyed/neutral response.
Olga

February 5, 2015 at 6:42 pm

but whyyyy? and what do I do now?
Olga

February 4, 2015 at 7:31 pm

And i said ‘hope you won’t need them’ knowing he wouldnt respond but i didnt feel like writing sth to end the conversation when it pretty much didnt exist :/ i know i should manage my expectations but cant help but feel a little disappointed

T.

January 29, 2015 at 8:08 pm

Great article, Chris!
This helps!
I wrote you earlier this week on the ‘What if he doesn’t respond during NC”. He is 52 and I’m 47. He has all of the signs of a commitment phobe..except the title issue. He was very proud of me and still has my pics on his fb…..he moved fast (wanted exclusivity in 2 weeks). However, he did everything to distance himself from me and my family after 2 months. I am moving on….but I still feel a connection/love for him. Is there hope? 18 days NC.

admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:05 pm

I think there is…

But usually a commitment-phobe has to work through things on their own or you have to fascinate them enough to want to be with you.
T.

January 30, 2015 at 6:44 pm

He is a local celebrity in town….and is used to getting his way. I was a huge challenge for him–and NEVER lost my “un-gettable” status with him. I handled the breakup w dignity and class and I have not and WILL not break NC!
I’m his ideal on all level’s…..but when I asked about more time together and holiday plans he freaked out! He proposed in a week….I joked it off (way too soon)…I’m at a loss here. However, I am lightly dating and staying classy. Thanks for keeping me sane through all of this with your great advice. It is much appreciated, Chris!
admin

January 31, 2015 at 3:39 pm

Wow you sound like you really have it together!

Makes me happy to hear.
T.

February 1, 2015 at 2:12 am

I have it together thanks to you, Chris! I used to go to “crazy town” after a breakup! Thanks to you, now I know that has the opposite effect on men. After 20 days NC, I ‘m in a place that I now question if I even want my ex back. I love him-but maybe he’s right. He said he couldn’t walk tall enough for a woman like me-maybe he’s right. He is who/what he is. I asked if he loved me enough to try harder-he never answered. I know he loves me-but he loves his freedom more.
Time will tell……
admin

February 2, 2015 at 1:52 pm

Good for you!

Really happy to hear this.

Love hearing stuff like this.

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