On February 4th, 2004 the way we looked at relationships forever changed.
What happened on that date?
Well, a little site by the name of Facebook was launched and with Facebook came three little words that are vitally important to relationships, even today.
What are those words?
“In A Relationship”
It’s funny how these three little words can sometimes define relationships. I always used to say that relationships weren’t truly official until both couples updated their Facebook statuses to reflect it and I still kind of believe it.
I want to do something fun here for a moment.
Close your eyes and think of the three happiest, cutest or strongest couples you know.
Have you thought of them?
Ok, now I want you to look those couples up on Facebook and see if their relationship status is either,
A. “In A Relationship”
B. “Married To…”
I am willing to bet that all three of those couples Facebook statuses reflect their “official” status.
Ok, now that you have thought of the best couples you could think of I want you to take another moment to think of the worst couples.
Do you think that these couples have their Facebook profiles updated to reflect that they are in a relationship?
Some might but some might not.
The point of this fun little exercise is simple, it’s to show you that there actually is a correlation between happy couples and happy Facebook relationship statuses and unhappy couples and a lack of a Facebook relationship status.
What’s The Purpose Of This Page?
This page is pretty self explanatory.
What we are trying to accomplish here is to understand why your ex boyfriend won’t update his Facebook profile to reflect the fact that you two are officially in a relationship.
Now, this particular situation can occur in two separate ways.
- Before you two were broken up and when you two were clearly dating he wouldn’t update his Facebook status to reflect that fact. (Before The Breakup)
- You two have gotten back together after a breakup but he won’t update his Facebook relationship status. (After The Breakup)
Obviously the purpose of this page is to give you extreme insight into why he refuses to update his Facebook status in both of these situations but I don’t feel comfortable diving into that until I first highlight why I think it is such an important thing for a couple to do for one another.
Why The “In A Relationship” Status On Facebook Matters A Lot
Imagine we are studying two couples.
For the purposes of this article we are going to call them (Couple A) and (Couple B.)
(Couple A) – Has changed their Facebook statuses to reflect the fact that they are in a relationship with one another.
(Couple B)- Neither member has changed their Facebook statuses to reflect the fact that they are in a relationship with one another.
One thing we can assume right off the bat is that (Couple A) is never going to have to worry if the other person is committed to them 100% like (Couple B) will.
What do I mean by that?
It’s quite simple really.
Changing your Facebook status to “In A Relationship” is like standing on top of a table in the middle of a crowded room and screaming at the top of your lungs,
“I AM TAKEN!!!”
Look, I have been a single guy before and I know that any time I would be interested in someone the first thing I would do is go to Facebook to check and see if they were in a relationship or not. If I did find out that they were in a relationship then I knew not to pursue that person.
So, lets pretend that a single girl out there is prowling Facebook for a boyfriend and she stumbles across the (Couple A Male’s) profile and learns that he is in a relationship. Well, then that single girl is most likely going to determine that this particular guy is not for her.
In other words, by changing your Facebook status to in a relationship you are lowering the chances that you are going to be pursued by single people which as I am sure you are aware is never a good thing if you are in a relationship.
What do I mean by that?
Well, lets take a look at the same situation happening to the male in (Couple B.) Remember, (Couple B) has not changed their Facebook status to say that they are in a relationship with one another.
So, here comes this single girl on to the male in (Couple B’s) Facebook profile and she determines that he is not in a relationship. So, rather than moving on like she did with (Couple A) she decides to pursue the male in (Couple B.)
Now, I don’t know about you but it is never a good thing when your man is constantly getting hit on by other women in a relationship.
This is how cheating often occurs.
The male in (Couple B) starts some harmless flirting with the single woman who contacted him through Facebook. Eventually that harmless flirting turns into a friendship where he vents about his girlfriend. Pretty soon he starts to develop feelings for the single woman and then that’s when the unthinkable happens, cheating occurs.
So, the point I am trying to make here is that since (Couple B) didn’t update their Facebook statuses to reflect the fact that they were in a relationship with one another they are almost inviting this kind of thing to happen.
Now, I basically just highlighted an extreme case there but take it from someone who has seen a lot with regards to this kind of stuff.
Those three little words, in a relationship, matter quite a bit when it comes to Facebook.
So, now that you understand why updating your status matters lets try to understand why men feel the need to not update it.
Lets start with before your breakup.
Why Your Ex Wouldn’t Update His Status Before The Breakup
Lets hop in a time machine for a moment and go back to that beautiful time where you and your ex boyfriend first started dating.
Do you remember that time?
All the happy moments…
All the laughing…
Everything was perfect with the two of you except one major thing. Your boyfriend refused to update his Facebook status. Now, this kind of hurts you because you made a conscious effort to update your status hoping that he would follow suit. Unfortunately, he didn’t get the hint.
Eventually you start to become so fed up that you decide to take hold of the situation and confront him about it.
You tell him that you think it’s important that he update his Facebook status for the sake of your relationship. You tell him that you did it for him so it’s only fair that he does it for you.
His response to this point is a typical,
“Facebook is dumb. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is how we feel about each other and that’s it.”
So, what is really going on in his head here?
Are there truth to his words or is it just some line he thought up so he can string you along?
The Timing Of The Status Update
Believe it or not but in this case timing really does matter.
When I look at the beginning stages of a relationship I think of something that is very unstable.
There are a lot of ups and downs.
Take the graph below for example,
Pretend that this graph represents your relationship with your boyfriend at the beginning stages of your relationship.
Notice how this graph is very up and down.
Point A: Lets say that you just had an amazing date where he asked you to be his girlfriend.
Point B: Lets say that after a few days he didn’t call or text.
Point C: Lets say that here you went on another date and got him to kiss you for the first time.
Point D: You are wondering why the heck he won’t change his Facebook status to reflect that he is in a relationship with you.
My point of taking you through this exercise is that things aren’t always smooth at the beginning of a relationship where you are trying to create a spark with someone. The last thing that man wants to do is make the mistake of calling you his girlfriend and then find you smooching his best friend. The beginning of a relationship is unstable because not enough intimacy, trust or rapport has been built yet.
So, the point of me writing this section is to kind of inform you that you need to manage your expectations at the very beginning of a relationship.
Now, with that being said there is going to come a point where if he hasn’t updated his status on Facebook there isn’t going to be any excuse from him.
When will that point arrive?
If in one month of the two of you officially calling each other “boyfriend and girlfriend” and he hasn’t updated his Facebook to reflect that fact then you have my permission to trigger the apocalypse.
Why Would He Not Want To Update His Facebook Status?
Lets say that it’s been a month of you dating your boyfriend and he still hasn’t updated his Facebook status.
What the heck is going on in that head of his?
Well, as it turns out there are quite a bit of reasons that he may not want to update his Facebook status. I am going to do my best to cover them all for you.
Reason #1- He Really Doesn’t Care About Facebook
I have this friend who I have known for about three years now. He is a bit of an introvert and though he is not technologically impaired he doesn’t really log on to Facebook that much. Seriously, as I am writing this I went to his Facebook page to see if he has posted anything recently.
Seriously, this is what his wall looks like,
Essentially what this means is that he hasn’t logged into Facebook in so long that Facebook literally has nothing to show for his Facebook wall.
So, tell me something.
Do you really think that someone who logs into Facebook once a month is going to be concerned with updating his Facebook status to say “in a relationship?”
Something tells me he won’t.
Reason #2- He Is Playing Facebook Chicken
You have heard of that game chicken right?
Ever seen footloose?
Geez, am I getting old already?
Basically chicken is this game where two cars race towards each other as fast as they can and the first one to swerve out of the way loses. Now, imagine that happening with your boyfriend except instead of using a car he is using Facebook.
In other words, the first person to change their status on Facebook to say “in a relationship” loses.
Why would he do this?
Because men are weird?
No, it all goes back to his need for power. He needs to feel that you care for him so much that you will do it before he does.
Reason #3- He Doesn’t Want Anyone To Know You Are Dating
Lets imagine that the two of us are dating and I won’t update my Facebook status to say “in a relationship.”
I don’t have any of the normal “couple pictures” even though we have taken plenty and every time you confront me about it I simply blow it off and say,
“Why are you making such a big deal about this?”
Now, I don’t know about you but I personally think that, that paints me in a very bad light.
Because there is absolutely no evidence that we are dating at all anywhere on my social profile. If you look through my pictures I don’t have any pictures of us. If you look through my statuses my status says “single” as opposed to maybe me just leaving things blank.
What’s to stop other girls from hitting on me?
The Answer – NOTHING!
Oh, and that’s the way I like it.
(Not in real life.)
Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. I have a beautiful girlfriend in you but I can also try to get as many women as I can on the side.
It’s unfortunate but some men do think like this.
Why Your Ex Won’t Update His Status After Getting Back Together
Now that you have a pretty decent idea of why an ex boyfriend would want to hold off on updating that status on Facebook lets take a look at another complex Facebook situation.
Why an ex won’t want to update his Facebook profile after you have won him back after a breakup.
The thing you have to keep in mind here is the fact that navigating the social media landscape of Facebook after a breakup is kind of tricky.
Probably because of this,
Everyone who was connected to you via Facebook was informed of your breakup and as I am sure you have realized by now, not all of your friends and family were 100% supportive of your relationship to begin with.
(Just trust me on this.)
So, making your grand re-entrance as a couple on Facebook might be kind of scary for him.
Why Might He Won’t Re-Update His Facebook Status?
There are actually quite a few reasons for why your ex boyfriend doesn’t want to update his status if you were to get him back. I intend to do my best to outline them all below.
Reason #1- Things Aren’t Quite Like How They Used To Be Yet
Now, the first thing you have to understand is that when you start over with your ex boyfriend for a second time around things are going to be kind of awkward for a little while. The two of you are still trying to get to a place where you feel comfortable with each other again (like you did in the past) and adding in the pressure of a Facebook update might be a little too much at this juncture.
I am going to use myself as an example here.
I hate awkward situations.
In fact, I hate them so much that I will literally do anything to try to dispel them so I don’t get that gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach that something is wrong.
I know that if I were to just get into a new relationship with an ex of mine I would definitely not feel comfortable putting “in a relationship” on my Facebook profile until I was sure this was going to be a more permanent thing. Things are just too awkward at the beginning.
I mean, most guys are going to sit there and think to themselves, “I wonder how long we are going to last,” after just getting back with an ex.
Again, it’s kind of an awkward situation to be in.
Reason #2- It’s A Facebook Status Stand Off Between Him And You
(We talked about this above and here it makes a reappearance.)
As many of you probably know, I got married last year.
When I think back to who updated their Facebook status first I am kind of proud to admit that it was me who initiated it first.
Because I am aware of the fact that sometimes when you get two stubborn people who date each other you get a Facebook status stand off.
What is a Facebook status update stand off?
I’m glad you asked!
Facebook Status Stand Off– A term that describes what happens when a man refuses to update his Facebook status until the woman does and the woman refuses to update her Facebook status until the man does.
So, basically how this works out is that after getting back with you your ex boyfriend is going to think to himself,
“I am definitely not updating my status to say “in a relationship” until she updates hers.”
Of course, you being the incredibly stubborn person you are say the same exact thing to yourself.
What ends up happening is both members of the relationship begin to get annoyed at each other because no one breaks down and updates their Facebook status.
Reason #3- He Doesn’t Want To Deal With The Fallout Of Friends And Family Knowing
This is an especially interesting one.
Because it kind of perfectly pertains to this situation.
Look, everyone takes sides when a breakup occurs. Your family rushes to your side and his family rushes to his.
The same goes with friends. His friends rally to his side and your friends to yours.
Now, if there is one thing on this earth that will make people say or do mean things it’s a breakup. Usually you think of the people involved in the breakup when you think of this but in most cases it also extends outside of it too.
For example, years ago my exes friends prank called me for three days straight and eventually came to my house and poured mustard all over my car.
Now, I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous and like I am making it up but I promise you it really happened.
(Fun Side Note: It rained later that day so I didn’t even have to clean my car. Joke was on them I guess!)
Anyways, my point is simple. Your ex boyfriend knows and understands that your friends and family probably said or did mean things to him during the breakup and making a relationship re-official on Facebook might rub some of these people the wrong way.
Reason #4- He Claims “He Doesn’t Want Anyone Knowing His Business”
Your ex boyfriend claims he doesn’t want anyone knowing his business, eh?
Ok, well I am going to interject my personal opinion on this one.
In my professional opinion I think this is a statement that makes absolutely no sense at all.
Allow me to explain.
Facebook is without a doubt one of the most “business shouting” type sites there is.
For example, what is the very first thing that you are greeted with when you log in to Facebook?
A news feed, right?
Basically this feed that keeps you up to date on what your friends are doing. I mean, isn’t the point of having a Facebook is so you can connect with your friends so you can know their business and they can know yours?
If someone truly didn’t want anyone to know their business they wouldn’t even have a profile on Facebook. In fact, the very act of making a Facebook profile ensures that everyone who is connected to you will indeed know your business.
Thus, I fail to see the point that some men try to make when they use this phrase.
Yep, even this one is beyond me.
Do you think you can help me crack what they mean when they say this?