Insecurity…

&

Ex boyfriends…

Who knew that these two things go together so well.

In this episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast” we are going to hear from a woman named Briana whose on and off ex boyfriend broke up with her after asking her a simple question,

Did you sleep with anyone else while we were broken up?

Briana, facing a crossroads ended up lying to him (she had slept with someone else) out of fear that he would break up with her if he found out. Of course, as these things typically go, he caught wind of the fact that she was lying and that’s when all hell broke loose.

Now she is looking for a way to win him back.

Let’s see if we can help her out!

Video Of Episode 52 (How To Handle Insecure Ex Boyfriends)

A Quick Recap Of Briana’s Situation

  • Briana ended up breaking up with her ex boyfriend because she got a bit of GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome)
  • They dated for a total of three years
  • They were classified as each others firsts..
  • After the breakup she ended up sleeping with someone else
  • This made her realize she wanted him back
  • So, they got back together
  • Driven by insecurity he asked her if she had been with anyone during the breakup
  • She lied and told him that she hadn’t when she had
  • He found out that she lied and promptly broke up with her
  • She is currently doing the no contact rule
  • She wonders how to contact him after the no contact rule
  • She wonders what kind of a chance she has

Important Things I Talk About In This Episode

  • The fact that Briana did nothing wrong (except for maybe the lie)
  • Why I think Briana lied to her ex boyfriend
  • The importance of taking a “cheating approach”
  • Our success rate with cheaters
  • The power of guilt and remorse
  • The “preemptive strike”

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

I Want My Ex Back
Do You Have A Chance?

Transcript Of This Episode

Download The Transcript Of This Episode Here

(BONUS) The Strategy We Talk About In This Episode

I wanted to give you guys a little bit extra since the show notes was looking a little thin. So, in case you missed it or you didn’t have a chance to listen to the entire podcast episode I made a very big deal about how if your ex boyfriend is insecure or has a problem with jealousy you need to utilize two things (assuming you did something like Briana did in this episode,)

Thing #1: Show Guilt & Remorse

Thing #2: The Preemptive Strike

Now, one thing I didn’t do a very good job of covering in the episode was where to utilize these two concepts.

Oh, and if you want an explanation of what the concepts mean then you are going to have to watch the episode 😉 .

What I want to do is show you where to place these two “things” within the strategy that we teach here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Therefore, I made this cool little graphic for you,

Graphic

What to Read Next

Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

What Ex Boyfriends Think Before They Break Up With You

By Chris Seiter | 3 comments

The Psychology Of An Ex During The Texting Phase

By Chris Seiter | 6 comments

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20 thoughts on “EBR 052: Insecure Ex Boyfriends And How To Handle Them”

  1. Avatar

    Jessica

    July 26, 2019 at 6:30 pm

    I just left a comment but I did forget to put that I do think my ex is punishing me and possibly trying to teach me a lesson because after we broke up, before the no contact, sent me quotes that said “sometimes the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for awhile,” and “what if you meet the right person at the wrong time?” … which timing never seemed to be an issue? He lives a hour and half away and our plan was that by January he would be would transferred here.

  2. Avatar

    Jessica

    July 26, 2019 at 5:53 pm

    My ex found some text messages between my previous ex and myself (only about recommendations of Netflix), he said that he’s overwhelmed, feels under appreciated, like he always has to compete with other men for my attention when he should already have it, refuses to feel that way, gives him anxiety etc…. I said I would never want him to feel that way but he didn’t give me an opportunity to fix it, instead he was just done. If you knew this guy, he appeared to be SO in love with me, my friends and family are in awe because of the way he treated me and took care of me, they’re just as confused as I am. He said I was the love of his life etc… I definitely could’ve done things differently but I never cheated. I did question why was he always questioning me, did he have something else going on (as in cheating)? Now that I look back … I don’t think there was anyone else, I think he purely got in his own head and wasn’t secure in our relationship. He is such an amazing person… the last time we spoke was one week ago, a week after the break up, because I thought I may be pregnant, I wasn’t. I let him know I took a pregnancy test and we’re in the clear. After that he wrote a very beautiful long text about how he will always love me, how I was IT for him, his dream girl and that’s why this hurts so much, how hes always imagined getting a message from me about us being pregnant but instead of scared/nervous we’d be excited, he’d be the happiest person in the entire world, went in depth romanticizing all the pregnancy cravings and back rubs etc… I feel blind sided. I can’t wrap my head around someone claiming to love me so much and just being so done over things that were fixable. I think he failed to communicate, bottled it up, hit his breaking point and was just done. Well since the texts about me being his person and pregnancy I haven’t texted him back (1 week, ensuring the NC rule) because it’s not like he’s saying ‘I love you, I want to fix this, let’s talk.’ I know he feels wronged, so I’m not sure how to go about this. I said when we were breaking up, I’d be willing to talk about things and he never took me up on that. He could see how upset I was, but he was just done. It’s bizarre to me that there was such little love and care with things going separate ways. Surprised that it happened but even more so with how cold he was about it. Is this a situation where I didn’t really cheat but did according to him I did? Or is this just an ego thing for him? He hasn’t reached out since those texts. He handled this really immaturely. This is his first serious relationship, where he’s considered wanting to marry someone (what he told me). I’ve always been stand-off ish to marriage and he’s the person who made me think maybe I do … he’s brought up wanting to marry me and make me his wife all before this happened so I don’t understand how he’s so easily out. One of your podcasts you mentioned watching this show where every episode the good guys never won and kept trying and trying and you gave up on it, I think maybe that’s how he felt? Ugh I feel so lost.

  3. Avatar

    Joice

    May 26, 2017 at 6:47 pm

    Hi,
    I met my boyfriend about a 9 months ago, we had a relationship for 8 months! During the first months he was great, afterwards he started ending the relationship every now and then, it eventually became a slippery slope to him! The first few breakups, i.e, the first, second and third he came back himself after no more than a day! After that he didn’t and I had to talk him through and make him agree to give our relationship a chance! However, we have never been on a breakup/NC for more than 3 days! Our last breakup was different though, after him putting me through a lot and leaving me every time I started developing trust issues! And I told him! During that entire mouth he was the sweetest to me! He literally did the impossible for me, but after a month n half he crashed saying “I am really hurt that my girlfriend has trust issues”, and he became so depressed. I told him I am working on it, and your good treatment is helping me! However, he is too stubborn and ended up ending the relationship! Also, just because I attended an event while we weren’t together he started putting assumptions that i am trying to impress other guys and he thinks i am seriously trying to keep my options open! And I give him divided attention! And I don’t stop other guys from flirting with me! I told him it’s not true at all and I explained it to him several times but he wouldn’t understand! He said, I might consider dating you again after I am healed in the fall but give me time to heal from the trust issues you had since it made him feel bad. Then few days later I asked him for help I needed and he said no! Then i was super upset and went to scold him at his place! We ended up fighting a lot and he blocked me, Afterwards I installed a new app I knew he had and asked him if it was a lot for him to help me after me always helping him and he explained everything saying it was for my good and he didn’t mean to be rude! And then he said after what you told me when you came to my place I won’t even consider re-dating you after summer holidays! It was finals week so we didn’t speak and then we decided no to speak as summer holidays were approaching and we both are going back home ( we are from different countries). It was the first time I went through NC and it lasted for 18 days then I broke it! I sent him a basic text that I remembered him after eating something he liked a lot and he texted me back saying hi and then he said lets not talk ever if u have something say it now and we shouldn’t ever talk! So I didn’t want to seem needy and I said I wanted to talk to u about something and I made something up by asking him “did u tell people we broke up?” And he said yes because its been long time, and I said don’t tell anyone for now at least and if they ask about me just say she’s okay I don’t want people coming and asking me about the relationship or some guys asking me out! And I asked him to delete our/my pictures and he said he already did and he’ll delete the rest, he got really upset from what I asked him and then out of the blew he said “you are the worst person I ever met, and why didn’t I block you from this app before” and he blocked me. I didn’t make a fuss, few hours later he sent me lots and lots of texts saying “why don’t u say no to your dates etc? Why are u always so needy to go on dates?, why are desperate for attention?” And he also mentioned that he got lots of dates offers and he rejected all of them till he heals! he lastly said “I will completely forget you as if I didn’t meet u ever and I can’t believe u texted me just for the pictures and to tell me not to tell friends we broke up” and he blocked me before I got to reply anything. So I sent him an email explaining and I asked his friend to tell him to read the email, and after some time he sent me an email saying i read it, and next time don’t bother my friends, and enjoy your summer, so I just told him I won’t annoy them no worries ever, and this is a closed chapter to me as it is to him!
    Brad, he get super jealous of another guys coming in my life. I remember once he actually begged me to come back when i told him that after the breakup I accepted to go on dates and made myself as if i have moved on! He literally freaked out! So I know jealousy works perfectly on him!
    But just because of that event I went to when we weren’t together made him think i am trying to impress other guys and get their attention which is not true!
    By the way we will be living next to each other starting next fall!

  4. Avatar

    Joice

    May 26, 2017 at 6:45 pm

    Hi,
    I met my boyfriend about a 9 months ago, at 3rd day of university (he pursued me), we had a relationship for 8 months! After a month of friendship! During the first months he was great, afterwards he started ending the relationship every now and then, it eventually became a slippery slope to him! The first few breakups, i.e, the first, second and third he came back himself after no more than a day! After that he didn’t and I had to talk him through and make him agree to give our relationship a chance! However, we have never been on a breakup/NC for more than 3 days! Our last breakup was different though, after him putting me through a lot and leaving me every time I started developing trust issues! And I told him! During that entire mouth he was the sweetest to me! He literally did the impossible for me, but after a month n half he crashed saying “I am really hurt that my girlfriend has trust issues”, and he became so depressed. I told him I am working on it, and your good treatment is helping me! However, he is too stubborn and ended up ending the relationship! Also, just because I attended an event while we weren’t together he started putting assumptions that i am trying to impress other guys and he thinks i am seriously trying to keep my options open! And I give him divided attention! And I don’t stop other guys from flirting with me! I told him it’s not true at all and I explained it to him several times but he wouldn’t understand! He said, I might consider dating you again after I am healed in the fall but give me time to heal from the trust issues you had since it made him feel bad. Then few days later I asked him for help I needed and he said no! Then i was super upset and went to scold him at his place! We ended up fighting a lot and he blocked me, Afterwards I installed a new app I knew he had and asked him if it was a lot for him to help me after me always helping him and he explained everything saying it was for my good and he didn’t mean to be rude! And then he said after what you told me when you came to my place I won’t even consider re-dating you after summer holidays! It was finals week so we didn’t speak and then we decided no to speak as summer holidays were approaching and we both are going back home ( we are from different countries). It was the first time I went through NC and it lasted for 18 days then I broke it! I sent him a basic text that I remembered him after eating something he liked a lot and he texted me back saying hi and then he said lets not talk ever if u have something say it now and we shouldn’t ever talk! So I didn’t want to seem needy and I said I wanted to talk to u about something and I made something up by asking him “did u tell people we broke up?” And he said yes because its been long time, and I said don’t tell anyone for now at least and if they ask about me just say she’s okay I don’t want people coming and asking me about the relationship or some guys asking me out! And I asked him to delete our/my pictures and he said he already did and he’ll delete the rest, he got really upset from what I asked him and then out of the blew he said “you are the worst person I ever met, and why didn’t I block you from this app before” and he blocked me. I didn’t make a fuss, few hours later he sent me lots and lots of texts saying “why don’t u say no to your dates etc? Why are u always so needy to go on dates?, why are desperate for attention?” And he also mentioned that he got lots of dates offers and he rejected all of them till he heals! he lastly said “I will completely forget you as if I didn’t meet u ever and I can’t believe u texted me just for the pictures and to tell me not to tell friends we broke up” and he blocked me before I got to reply anything. So I sent him an email explaining and I asked his friend to tell him to read the email, and after some time he sent me an email saying i read it, and next time don’t bother my friends, and enjoy your summer, so I just told him I won’t annoy them no worries ever, and this is a closed chapter to me as it is to him!
    Brad, he get super jealous of another guys coming in my life. I remember once he actually begged me to come back when i told him that after the breakup I accepted to go on dates and made myself as if i have moved on! He literally freaked out! So I know jealousy works perfectly on him!
    But just because of that event I went to when we weren’t together made him think i am trying to impress other guys and get their attention which is not true!
    By the way we will be living next to each other starting next fall!

  5. Avatar

    Mia

    November 11, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Hello, my ex boyfriend broke up with me through text saying he wanted to cut ties with me. A week after our breakup I posted on my Facebook that I was going to do something. About 10 mintues after the post he texted me asking me about my post. I never responded. But what does that mean that he wants me back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2016 at 7:42 am

      Hi Mia,

      well, he might just thought you were going to do something bad to yourself..Why did you break up? how long were you together? How old are you and are you in ldr?

  6. Avatar

    AG

    September 10, 2016 at 3:20 am

    Hi,
    What if I lied to him about meeting a guy, but no cheating involved at all? It was just a dinner.. I lied to him because I met him to talk about my relationship problem and to vent out my emotion as I didn’t get emotional support from my bf. I lied to him because I’m scared he will get angry and think different things. He found out and we broke up and accused me of cheating. Should I treat this case the same as cheating? Or should treat this case as lying? Should I go for no contact rule too? He unfriended me in fb too! And I haven’t been talking to him since yesterday.
    Many thanks,
    AG

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2016 at 6:56 am

      Hi AG,

      You’ve explained, the other guy explained, for me that’s enough. The more you talk to him, the more he will vent out his anger..Give him space to think.. Do 30 days nc and avoid going out with your friend for now..

  7. Avatar

    Maxine

    August 14, 2016 at 1:15 am

    Hi Amor, my question is how do you win back a man who is stubborn and damaged from his last relationship. He’s over her but still has insecurities about women. He’s very closed off and quiet when it comes to talking things out.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 15, 2016 at 8:03 pm

      Hi Maxine,

      are you together, he’s a ex or a potential boyfriend?

  8. Avatar

    Aly

    August 9, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Hello,
    My ex and I broke up about five months ago. It was practically because of my clinginess, pressure of getting engaged and insecurities that caused him to leave. He was a really good boyfriend to me for the 9 months that we dated. He had a home and sold it to move in with me. Anyway, we recently reconnected and have been going out at least once a week. We also have been intimate with each other for over a month now. When together, he acts like he’s my boyfriend by holding my hands or kissing me in public. It was also his birthday last week, and he invited me over to his mom’s house to have dinner and celebrate his birthday. However he has said to me that he just wants to be single right now and does not want the drama that comes along with the boyfriend title. He told me that he knows that I want to be married now and if someone comes along that wants the same things that I want, then he doesn’t want to keep me from that, however he gets mad if He believes I am going on a date. He has also mentioned that when ready for a relationship he would want it to be with me. I’m confused and I’m not sure what I should do in this situation.can you please help?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 11, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      Hi Aly,

      what did you say when he said that you still wanted to get get married now?

  9. Avatar

    Sandy

    August 5, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    heyy
    I really reallly…dont know what to do!
    I’m still in love with my ex for the past one and a half year!
    now when I try to get him back…he says he is not good for me.. and he calls himself a pervert..but whenever I get into a conversation (fb chat-online relationship) with him it goes really good and leaves me happy….we got back together..but only to split the day after…because he is saying he is not over his ex (he actually broke up with me for another girl…and she left him) I told him I’ll wait as long as I can..and now I’m afraid whether I will lose him ..as he started college.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2016 at 4:21 pm

      Hi Sandy,

      I think you being always there kills the desire because he knows you’re just there.. so, in a sense he’s not seeing your worth.

  10. Avatar

    Ai

    August 3, 2016 at 5:29 am

    I don’t understand how the cheating approach can be applied to my insecure ex. First off, I’ve not cheated on him. He’s insecure for a number of reasons: unhappy with work, family and is in a tough position in his life. How do make I someone who’s insecure from those things more secure? For me, when we were together, I’ve just left him alone whenever he felt insecure and tried to cheer him up but I feel like that didn’t make things better. We just drifted apart instead. (We were also in a long distance relationship and looking at the article on that, I can see why we are no longer together because those 4 factors never did meet up). We were together for 6 years and in those 6 years, it was always the same kind of insecurity. I had enough so I dumped him. Two months has passed and he has not once reached out. At this time I don’t know if I want to get back with him. But to avoid future relationship mishaps, I wanted to see what I can do if I meet another insecure guy so that’s why I read this article. However, I thought this article wasn’t helpful.

    Just by looking at the title, I really thought this would be an article that would deal with the insecurities men faced and how can we as women, handle them, support them in such situation or win them back from their insecurities. I guess I was wrong and disappointed. Maybe the title should be renamed to something like, “How to handle insecure men affected by cheating” or something.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 3, 2016 at 5:09 pm

      Hi Ai

      thanks for the suggestion.. with your question in general when a guy is insecure, don’t enable it.. go do your own stuff and just don’t do anything wrong, because he’ll realize it when you point it out and when you don’t let him control you by his insecurities

  11. Avatar

    Renee

    July 27, 2016 at 6:15 am

    What do I do when my ex is constantly pushing and pulling?
    Hi Chris and Amour,

    We have broken up almost a year now. I’ve done NC we have reconnected and we were seeing each other then he went cold for a couple months. Then he came back and now he is kind of cold again. I’ve done NC every time he has disappeared on me. The last two months we have been talking a couple of times a week through texting. But about a week ago, he disappeared on our latest text conversation and I haven’t talked to him since. He hasn’t texted me and I haven’t texted him. I don’t know what to do he keeps being really into me and then disappearing and then coming back. I feel like he’s stringing me along. What can I do? Should I contact him this week? I haven’t seen him in person since the middle of June. A couple of months ago, he moved two hours away, we use to live in the same city now just a couple hours a part. I feel like he has grown complacent with talking to me but not seeing me. How do I change that?

    Thank you!!!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2016 at 6:17 am

      Hi Renee,

      sorry, i just haven’t reached yours yet.. you should be the one that’s ending the convo first and doing what he’s doing.. be interesting by not being available all the time and improving yourself.. when he initiates again..remember how to end the convo first and go out with others too

  12. Avatar

    sabrina

    July 26, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    Hello Chris,

    I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP

    My boyfriend broke up with me last december, I did the no contact rule and then texted him after and things seemed to go pretty well. We were in a long distance relationship, (he lived four hours away). Months went by and we texted a couple times in between (although I was the one always initiating it, he never texted me first), and I was fine w this because I knew I would see him during the summer. This past weekend I texted him that I was in town and he responded that He wanted to go out w friends and do something. So we went with a group of friends to a college bar. This is the first time I have seen him in months, and i have lost twenty pounds, dyed my hair, I have confidence now that I never had before, and I can tell he thought I looked good. He kept walking up to me and talking to me but I didn’t want to seem so clingy so I would talk for a little then walk away. Later on in the night I saw some of his friends, and started talking to them and we ended up talking for a while (i was just being social I was not trying to come off as flirting, but his friends were flirting with me. I thought to myself, okay maybe this isn’t a bad thing cause then he will realize what he is missing out on. When he found out that we were talking, he thought i wanted to take them home or hook up and i was just being nice, i would never do that i knew they were friends. so later that night when i would try to talk to my ex, he completely blew me off. I was so confused cause I didn’t do anything. The next morning I called to see if we can try hanging out again and he ignored me. I called from another number and he picked up. At first he was trying to act like everything was fine, but when I told him to be honest he blew up. He told me he was looking forward to being with me that night until I started talking to his friends. He said his friends told him that I was all over them and wanted something for them which is a complete lie. I tried explaining myself but he wouldn’t listen to my side, he hung up. I texted him to explain myself and he ignored me again. I don’t know what to do, he doesnt believe me or doesnt want to listen or talk to me, but hours before he was all over me.
    Please help…

    Sabrina

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 28, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      hi Sabirina

      well that’s good that you really improved physically.. first mistake was, you texted too soon after that meet up..he was still angry when you contacted him and then it got worse when you tried to explain… give him space and let him cool off for now